Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-02-03 23:59:59'

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Sun February 03, 2008

	City evicts sex offenders living under bridge because they couldn't find housing that wasn't 2500 feet away from schools. Maybe they should move to state parks instead?	(62)
	Somewhere in South America, a village is getting a shipment of "19-0" T-shirts. Giants upset Patriots 17-14 to win Super Bowl	(1141)
	If you still have your learner's permit, it probably isn't a good idea to do burnouts in the parking lot in front of a police station	(29)
	TUBE = "Totally Unnecessary Breast Exam"	(65)
(Some Guy)	Job you're glad is not yours: answering the phones right now at Fox 24 in Arkansas, who farked up and lost their Super Bowl feed	(57)
	Joran van der Sloot says he was with Natalee Holloway when she died and disposed of her body	(131)
(NFL.com)	Super Bowl thread, part deux	(2284)
	One in five people on welfare fails to show up for mandatory review of why they're not working, offering excuses from "I'm drunk" to "Work is irrelevant to my life"	(77)
	Delmaine Fine Foods is jerkin' the Gherkin	(23)
	Pub owner cuts opening hours after discovering that serving drinkers too much alcohol leads to drunken behaviour - blames government for not teaching people booze can be bad for you	(13)
	British announce a 61% increase in liposuction and a 27% increase in breast work. Not among women, either	(19)
(WBALTV)	Maryland lawmakers are trying to cut taxes on college textbooks. Wow, is it just a coincidence that this happens two days after they try to raise the beer taxes six-fold?	(45)
	One in four people think that Winston Churchill never existed but Sherlock Holmes did	(111)
	Snowboarders plopped across the middle of runs chatting on cellphones, gondola cars reeking of smoke, and Red Bull cans littering the snow under lifts are all examples of poor shrediquette	(55)
	Can I have my steak medium well with a side order of carbon monoxide poisoning?	(54)
	There are things you can do for yourself and avoid having to call in a pro: fixing a leaky faucet, installing carpet, tiling the bathroom. An exorcism is not one of those things	(28)
(Some Puppies)	Puppy Bowl IV discussion thread	(211)
	Patriots. Giants. 'Nuff said	(1769)
	Fourth undersea cable cut in Mideast; Authorities readying "damage from ship anchor" excuse	(250)
	British man dies piste off after trying to ski down mountain on a mattress	(45)
(Murfreesboro Post)	50-year old woman surprised after man named "G" fails to return her car after borrowing it	(58)
	Hillary promises that unlike her rivals, HER health plan will be universal. Even if she has to automatically enroll the reluctant and garnish their wages to pay for it	(657)
(pennlive.com)	News: Teen faces weapons of mass destruction charges. Fark: after exploding plastic egg at flea market	(66)
	Irish setter has record-breaking litter of 16 puppies. With the ugliest-ass pictures of 16 ten-day-old puppies you've ever seen	(78)
(Buffalo News)	Apparently a seven-week suspension violates state education law. Principal says student can come back, but only if she says she's sorry	(64)
	Photoshop theme: Insects	(47)
	Scientists find wearing stiletto heels is good for a woman's sex life. Obvious tag surrenders	(105)
	Flashing high beams to alert drivers of speed traps "promotes karma" and is NOT illegal in Canada or U.S	(359)
	New Hampshire officials wonder why accidents are five times higher after they dropped a roundabout in the middle of a four lane highway	(181)
	Just in case you missed the first 500,000 articles about tropical rainforests falling at an "alarming" rate, here's the latest one. EVERYBODY TROPANIC	(59)
	Will it be 19 and 0? Have we finally found a game that Eli cares about playing in? Will Matt Light get stuck in between Michael Strahan's front teeth? Super Bowl pre-game discussion/smack talk thread	(654)
	FDA blames Pfizer's anti-smoking drug for causing suicidal thoughts among aspiring quitters. Obviously nobody at the FDA has ever tried to quit smoking	(104)
	Tazer parties becoming more popular. What's shocking is that they're not just for Houston cops anymore	(58)
	To ensure that their special day goes off without a hitch, some brides require bridesmaids to sign a contract stating that they won't get fat or pregnant before the wedding	(167)
	Crime Stoppers to take text message tips. Your BFF Jill better watch her step	(36)
(Hampton Roads)	Police seize murals from Abercrombie & Fitch store, including "one of a woman topless and whose breast is displayed with her hand covering just the nipple. You could still pretty much see the rest of the breast."	(367)
(ufospider)	Is the USAF testing its own Flying Saucer? Here comes the photographic "evidence"	(103)
	Australian state to start online court hearings. "ZOMG WTF R U THINKNG?" "STFU OBJECTIONX0RSZ." "LOLVERRULED, n00b, ROFL"	(66)
	Man takes steamroller for joyride through new housing estate. K-K-K-Ken un-un-un-unavailable f-f-f-f-f-f-f-for c-c-c-c-c-CAH-c-c-c-CAH-CAAAAAAAH report	(74)
	Scientists discover famous "six degrees of separation" theory between people is wrong. You can quit sending Christmas cards to Kevin Bacon now	(119)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this "O"	(75)
	The gain in Maine falls mainly on... someone whose name doesn't fit into this rhyme scheme: Mitt Romney	(66)
	Taxi and Limousine Commission inspectors and police officers launch "Operation: Secret Rider" to catch NYC cab drivers breaking the rules. Reverend Jim Ignatowski still doesn't know what a yellow light means	(28)
	If you went swimming at a Marin County or San Francisco beach on Friday, you might want to make sure your hepatitis booster is up to date	(27)
	Manitoba Merv the groundhog predicts six more weeks of winter for Winnipeg	(53)
(Some Guy)	State Senator wants bong buyers to take a tax hit	(81)
	Man driving through accident scene busted when cops spot guns and drugs in his car. Suspect: "I'm probably gonna wind up on one of those 'dumb crook' shows"	(24)
	At least four injured by a hand grenade at a Sri Lanka zoo. They taunted the grenadier lemur	(30)
	This year's deadpool is supersized; "Fatburger" founder Lovie Yancey is the latest restaurateur to go	(47)
	Farmer's markets? Too easy. Elderly Brits play "there can be only one" with mobility scooters	(23)
	It's cold outside, and you need to get your nicotine fix. Fortunately for you, Phillip Morris has made a shorter cigarette with the same amount of nicotine and cancer	(92)
	If you know who else lost a fleet of three German U-boats in the Black Sea during World War II, tell him they've been found	(60)
	50 years ago this week, the US Air Force lost a bomb off the Atlantic coast. A nuclear bomb. Which poses no danger ... unless you drop anchor in the wrong place	(91)
(Some Guy)	"Many men I know have no children and play video games. They still wear teenagers' clothes, they obsess about pop music and films and value themselves and their leisure activities over responsibility"	(547)
	If you're on Staten Island having a heart attack and need to get to the hospital, keep a $5 bill in your purse/pocket (w/video)	(68)
	Polls show European high school students suck at 20th century history as much as American students do. Mao Zewho?	(116)
	Mall pianist chases down teen who stole tip jar, adds Jane's Addiction, AMG & Ben Folds Five to repertoire	(51)
	What is your greatest irrational fear? LGT something vaguely related	(729)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop what could possibly go wrong	(67)

Sat February 02, 2008

	Woman missing since Sept. 10, 2001, declared a "victim" of 9/11. Simply because, as a doctor, she "might have been" there	(120)
	Flu season running hot in 11 states with new strain not covered by this year's vaccine	(80)
(DW-World)	Atheists make children's book teaching acceptance of all beliefs and sharing. Nah, just kidding, it is portrays all religions as evil and bloodthirsty complete with a crazed Jew	(893)
	For those who thought "Boy this is good sake, but I wished it had more of a squiddy taste" you're now in luck	(53)
(pennlive.com)	"The second boy sat down on the pencil, lodging a piece of it in his rear"	(76)
(I want to thank fark)	Beauty queen drives across three lanes of traffic to block the path of another car. That's when things start to get weird (with crying picture of the psycho winning a pageant)	(94)
(Chattanooga Times Free Press)	Sheriff arrested prior to scheduled jail tour to show students what happens to adults who commit crimes	(29)
	Maybe NYC can't beat Boston in sports, but they sure can beat them on the streets: John Kerry's sister mugged in Manhattan	(62)
(The Times)	Deal to end writers' strike may be near. Fans of Carebears: The CGI Adventure and The Godfather 4: A Lifetime TV mini-series rejoice	(206)
(The Union (Nevada))	Monday, 11:51 a.m.: when dancing like a robot in the parking lot is outlawed, only outlaws will go BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP	(66)
	Leave your kids at home. Damn, pimpin' ain't easy	(27)
	Hostile NYC Cab Drivers offer a side of "flesh and bone" to all credit card customers (Ouch)	(52)
	Small town mayor resigns amid felony charges after telling the owners of a dog she was watching that it died; dog was spotted three months later at the groomers, was living with mayor's sister under a new name	(63)
(Some Guy)	Romero's been scooped once again: Economic downturn linked to increase in arson	(66)
	I can has waves?	(104)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop challenge: Colorize this snowy barn	(60)
	France's Sarkozy surrenders, marries Bruni	(46)
(Some Guy)	Rent-to-own furniture company purposely hiring convicted felons as collectors, stalking client's children, and even knifing a customer. And that's the nice stuff	(119)
	Five shot in Lane Bryant store outside Chicago; four dead, shooter at large	(460)
	Antitrust laws may help Microsoft acquire Yahoo. In other news, water is dry, carrots are soft, and bananas are crunchy	(53)
(Some Guy)	"Infidelity expert" claims 85% of Americans are victims of emotional, cyber, same-sex, tentacle, or female infidelity. Other 15% getting serious action	(181)
(The Boston Channel)	Yes, Virginia, you CAN fit a black angus cow into the back seat of a Dodge Intrepid (with post-accident video goodness)	(81)
	One fine day, in the middle of the night, two dead policemen began to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other	(75)
(Sierra Vista Herald)	Bad headline writer inadvertently posts Help Wanted ad for Farkers	(62)
	Natural hallucinogenic sage may be banned finally giving it a chance to compete with marijuana	(305)
	"How one man's life was ruined by marriage." One? They only found ONE?	(107)
	Hotties, doofuses, grills, shirts with slogans, something odd on the ceiling - you'll find all this and more in this week's roundup of mugshots from The Smoking Gun	(167)
(Some gang member)	It cost the city of LA $25,000 to escort Britney to her last hospital visit. It is not like LA needs these cops in the first place anyway since there is no crime, drunk drivers or gang members in paradise	(162)
	Apparently even the Dutch can't get enough porn - website featuring safe sex instructional videos overloaded on first day. Bonus: it's a government website	(65)
(Some 38 year old guy)	Since this 38 year old woman has never visited Fark, she thought 16 year old meat would be fun and safe to play with. Shocking: She's not a teacher	(130)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these tree diggers	(43)
	Man who was photographed riding his motorcycle on the freeway while wearing his barbecue grill says he now sees the error of his ways	(43)
	Poll shows that "Miami Vice" is the first thing most Americans think of when they hear the name "Miami." Don Johnson would like to thank you for validating his existence	(85)
	Accordion to the article, Daddy's got 800 squeezeboxes. Mama never sleeps at night	(42)
(Some Guy)	Costco to sell its own brand of beer. They love you	(131)
(Some Guy)	Not News: Today is Groundhog Day. News: Today is Groundhog Day. Fark: Today is Groundhog Day	(94)
	Man puts brand new car in wrong gear, tumbles it down 100-foot cliff, escapes uninjured. Ta-da	(29)
	Le maker de 'franglais' est le dead	(70)
	Ceiling cat is watching you operate	(557)
	Interrupt me while I'm tagging this building? That's a stabbin'. Now just bleed quietly while I finish, dammit	(32)
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)	98 luftballons	(67)
(Some Guy)	Not news: Misled youths steal. News: Misled youths steal from the Girl Scouts. Fark: HOT misled youths steal from Girl Scouts (w/ pic...)	(392)
	Your wife can now cite "Stressorexia" as another excuse to avoid sex on a Friday night	(39)
	Some of the most boneheaded emergency calls in Britain, including, “I’ve found a kitten in my house," and “Come and arrest my boyfriend – he’s put my hamster out in the rain"	(44)
	Welsh post-graduate student dies in apartment blaze in China. If only he'd taken part in the fire drills	(19)
	When you're using hydrochloric acid and methylated spirits to scrub rocks in the backyard it's probably not a good idea to light up a smoke	(22)
	Two junior high students cited for "hurling missiles." The missiles in question? French fries	(31)
	Photoshop theme: Presidential Candidate Breakfast Cereal	(54)
(Some Guy)	If you're a cop, it's not a wise career move to zip past photo radar at 73 mph as you respond to an emergency call giving two thumbs up with both hands off the wheel (w/pic)	(72)
	Two Amtrak trains stranded near Donner Pass. There are 400 passengers, so they are not expected to run out of food	(55)
(iAfrica)	MP apologizes for suggesting prostitution be legalized during the 2010 Soccer World Cup, claims he just wanted to promote more scoring	(20)
(The hung list)	Men named Dave presumed to be the most well-endowed, according to a poll of British women. Sorry Ray, looks like you're most likely to be out driving around in your new Porsche Carrera 4 convertible	(115)
(Some Guy)	Department of Children & Families spokesman arrested for hiring teenagers to make child pornography. Ironic tag will sit this one out in favor of obvious	(89)
	Virus that causes cervical cancer in women can cause oral cancer in men. But, how the heck could that be transmitted?	(72)
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)	Family dog saves pregnant woman from mad moose. Much was at steak	(63)
	Post meant to rise out of the ground to block traffic does so at random, taking unwary pedestrians who happen to be walking over it at the time with it (pic)	(74)

Fri February 01, 2008

	Actual Headline: "Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks"	(55)
	"If you look up right now you can see the tallest building in the *BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTZAP"	(43)
(News Net 5)	Cue ball, apply directly to the forehead. Cue ball, apply directly to the forehead	(96)
(Some rich guy)	"If you happen to find a rare, decorative, gold colored, jewel encrusted Fabergé Egg, Grosse Pointe Shores Police would like to hear from you"	(52)
	Canada: Where old British people go to die	(93)
	Man attempting to hang self discovered by girlfriend, who cuts him down. Man starts fighting with her, fight is noticed by passerby, who stops fight by putting man in sleeper-hold, which kills him. Taa-daa	(104)
	"Men's desire to have an equal parenting role does not extend to child-related domestic chores such as washing clothes or packing lunchboxes"	(124)
(Desert News)	It's all funny to skip school with two of your friends until the the three of you get kidnapped and held hostage	(45)
(Some Guy)	Young woman hatched bizarre plot to get even with ex-boyfriend, convincing four guys to kidnap him, drive him to another town, make him clean her apartment, and phone his new girlfriend to break up with her. Whiskey. Tango. Fark	(47)
	Man with a 30-inch inseam falls off a roof and onto a 36-inch fence post	(69)
	It's all funny to join a record club under the name "Shiat Face" until the "Dear Shiat" collection letters start arriving	(86)
	Guy decides to display his knowledge of explosives at an airport. What could possibly go wrong?	(62)
(Who cares? It's Bacon!)	Woo hoo... bacon candy recipe goodness (bacon, bacon, bacon)	(153)
	Pope criticizes science for not protecting human dignity. This from a guy who wears an origami hat	(231)
	Flight 209 now arriving, gate	(164)
	Wesley Snipes aquitted of the most serious charges against him, still faces three years in prison on lesser charge, which surprisingly is unrelated to his performance in "Demolition Man"	(197)
(The Boston Channel)	Perhaps the town dump is not the best place for your sausage stand	(46)
(Albuquerque Journal)	New Mexico group pushes for tax on video gaming equipment, televisions to discourage lazy children. Next step is to just make being lazy illegal, but they needed taxes to fund the enforcement program first	(95)
(Some Astronaut)	Photoshop this flying cowboy	(54)
	Irish Republic takes pleasure in rolling back stiff tax on condoms after being ribbed by pressure groups. Penis	(54)
(WTAE-TV)	School bus driver hailed as a hero after deliberately driving his bus full of kids into a tree	(110)
	Art students take afternoon off from daytime TV and design some pretty useful looking mobile phones for the future	(41)
	News: Man attacks hiking couple with bat. Newsier: Man loses control of bat to woman hiker. Fark: She starts beating attacker with said bat	(62)
(Some impressed 200+ pound Guy)	Personal responsibility seen working out, getting ready for a comeback as man loses 600lbs through -- you'll never believe this -- "diet and exercise"	(111)
(Some Med Student)	MILFy medical student visits zoo, sees baby tiger choking, assists zookeeper in clearing its windpipe, performs CPR and mouth-to-mouth, saving tiger's life. With pics of said MILF and ugly-ass baby tigers	(174)
	MIT student argues that it is her First Amendment right to be an asshat	(270)
(TPM Election Central)	Humorist Al Franken leads in Minnesota Senate race; would be first Senator ever to be intentionally funny	(272)
	If you have been riding your motorcycle while wearing a barbecue grill, the Aussie police would a word with you. (w/pic)	(77)
	New languages happen in a sudden burst of new words coined as groups of people strive to describe the world around them, says the ORLY Insitute	(103)
	Colorado lawmaker submits, "Wouldn't this be real nice inside of you?" as best pickup line with requisite pulling out of junk	(141)
	Atheist group on MySpace gets deleted for the third time. Where is your god now?	(555)
(Albany Times Union)	Woman forced to grab a shovel and fill in her brother's grave after town forgot to bury the casket	(56)
(Some Guy)	Writing about your eating disorders on MySpace or Facebook doesn't endear you to insurance companies	(72)
(Some Guy)	Proposed Mississippi legislation prohibits restaurants from serving the obese	(274)
(Der Spiegel)	Behind the scenes of a rocket factory in Gaza, where Palestinian men build delivery systems carrying payloads of chocolate and fuzzy puppies to Israel (with pics)	(374)
(Ledger-Enquirer)	Sometimes relationships end, but I don't think setting your girlfriend on fire will score you points with the next girl that comes along	(73)
	Southern Methodist University is considering putting in a bar on campus to combat drunken driving, ugly coeds	(82)
	Today's "Don't post a marijuana ad on Craigslist" lesson brought to you by Stamford, Connecticut	(90)
	Secular progressives score a victory as man is arrested for praying -- in church	(132)
(Law.com)	Judge reprimanded for telling a defendant with three female attorneys that he should get a good male lawyer. In his defense, he also made fun of them for being black	(76)
	114 years ago today, the first movie studio opened. 114 years ago tomorrow, it ran out of ideas	(81)
	Man about to put a million miles on his truck with the original engine. It's not a Ford, which should come as a surprise to no one	(190)
	What are we likely to see as the result of the Microsoft-Yahoo takeover?	(68)
(Some Old Guy's Lawn)	80-year old former Green Beret gets mock courtmartial for shooting burglar with "inadequate caliber weapon"	(268)
(WISHTV)	Attempted copper theft at power substation leave thousands without power. Police on the lookout for men with new hairstyles, speech impediments	(76)
	America's disaster plans "couldn't move a Girl Scout unit"	(129)
(Chocolate Balls)	"We appreciate that marketing chocolates is a matter of great commercial sensitivity and hope that we have not inadvertently hit a delicate spot by drawing attention to the fact that these sweets looked and felt like testes"	(52)
	Teen who stole boat and sparked massive air-sea search to spend next year walking 5,000 miles around Britain apologizing to everyone he meets	(59)
(Buffalo News)	Knock, knock... who's therBLAM	(86)
	The wheels on the dump truck bump the school bus. Bump, bump, bump. Bump. bump, bump. The wheels on the dump truck bump the school bus, early this morning	(57)
	Blind Texas woman makes second stab at state acupuncture license	(65)
	The latest poll numbers are in and Obama is now leading in Germany by double digits and running even with Hillary in Japan, Russia is solid Romney territory, while Iraq is trending for McCain	(267)