Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2008-01-20 23:59:59'

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Sun January 20, 2008

	Canada denies claim it is dumping ecstasy into US market, but it would like America to give foreign countries more hugs	(15)
	Stick a forklift in him, he's done	(62)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this House	(57)
	Ocala daycare worker arrested after she sells her cell phone. Why? Because she didn't bother to delete the cell phone video that showed her hitting the kids	(44)
	Four dead as two private planes collide over Corona, California	(56)
	Inside the coldest city on earth, and it's not Green Bay	(91)
(Some Swimcoach?)	Marco Porno?	(92)
	Darwin gets two for the price of one when he finds graffiti artists tagging a storm-water drain. During a storm	(57)
	Today’s substitute teacher pleading guilty to getting it on with five teenage boys brought to you by Nephi, Utah. With "I might keep a paper bag handy" mugshot goodness	(159)
	Scotland: Kittens adopted by pet rabbit (w/picture & video goodness). Caturday meets Bunnday	(169)
	Turkmenistan's president Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov ends ban on operas, circuses. In other news, you can use the letters in his name to spell "I banged a gerbil" or "My groin hamburger"	(70)
(Some Guy)	Get your foil hats out everybody... they're here to collect	(86)
(Chronicle Herald)	When walking around world, vodak helps blistered feet	(45)
(Some Synapse)	Photoshop these neurons	(51)
(Brooklyn Paper)	The name "Brooklyn" has risen to the 43rd most popular baby name. Staten Island reportedly jealous	(262)
	Today's crime that sounds dirty but isn't: Police respond to snatch at Legs & Breasts chook shop	(31)
	Forty-eight disabled people set world record for largest gathering of wheelchair users on ice at one time. Scouts from Maple Leafs, Kings seen with contracts, heading to airport	(40)
	Unable to wait for The Ocho, ESPN unveils coverage of its latest sport: computer gaming. Says with a straight face that gamers are "creating a new breed of sports hero for the 21st century"	(149)
	Scotland asks US to lift ban on haggis. You submitted this with some offal pun and felt sheepish (with photo of yummy haggis)	(107)
(Some Guy)	The top ten discontinued sodas	(511)
	Penultimate French WWI veteran dies aged 110. He never surrendered	(139)
(Some Guy)	Hackers retaliate to Scientology's ordered removal of that Tom Cruise video from YouTube by attacking their website; Xenu heard cackling from his underground prison	(536)
	Todays 30 cats, 40 chickens and turkeys, 100 goats and sheep, a llama, an emu, a pregnant horse, three potbellied pigs and a 600-pound farm pig, brought to you by Lancaster, CA. Your dog wants food and water,	(50)
	Pakistani authorities arrest 15 year old boy in Bhutto murder investigation. Crime solved, peace descends on region	(30)
	Rudy Guiliani may have saved New York City on 9/11, but Tom Cruise used his super Scientology powers to detox the rescue workers	(247)
(Imageshack not hotlinked)	Today's "Lio" pays a small homage to the final "Calvin and Hobbes" strip	(257)
(Some Guy)	Incredibly bad criminal excuse, times two	(16)
	There's rich, there's super-rich, and then there's the rest of us	(630)
(MaineToday.com)	Maine is looking to ban the sale of novelty lighters. But how am I going to light my novelty?	(54)
	Mean old woman takes her revenge on a small village by giving it £1 million. What a biatch	(33)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this King Arthur wannabe	(48)
	24-year old man breaks into house of 53-year old woman, who chases him for several blocks. And since she was a marathon runner and a black belt, he gets his mugshot on the Internet	(87)
	Dolphins invent the wheel, now figuring out how to sink Japanese ships with it	(54)
	Clown car for hire	(16)
	There are two things that I can't stand in this world - people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch	(345)
	Porn star Allie Sin included in this week's TSG mug shot roundup. She's photo #6. Allie's only 22 ... but many people have hit it	(204)
	"Etiquette is an arcane list of arbitrary and pointless conventions that are laid down as pratfalls for the aspirational, as an amusement for the unlovable"	(81)
	Jesus held hostage over "weiner poopies" (video)	(24)
	British youth crime increases by 30%. Prestoopnicks don't viddy having yarbles to stem the old ultraviolence	(79)
(WISH TV)	Mother busted because her 11-month-old son's blood alcohol level was 0.118 (with mugshot badness)	(66)
(Farmhouse Breakfast)	The full English breakfast the world knows and loves has been replaced by nancified health pap	(87)
	News: 7th graders waiting for school bus to arrive taken to hospital. Fark: because they were drunk	(30)
(Some Guy)	Fast-food customers know Chick-Fil-A is more expensive than other chains, but most of us don't get arrested for pointing that out	(113)
	I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your soaps frighten and confuse me	(84)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this horse and rider	(52)
	Suzanne Pleshette has died. It isn't a dream	(162)

Sat January 19, 2008

	Everything's bigger in Texas, including carbon emissions	(151)
	Ford pulls "Drive it like you stole it" campaign, as it might encourage theft, erratic driving	(60)
	AP projects McCain winner in South Carolina	(317)
	Poodle has to wear hard hat after two life threatening incidents ... with ugly ass picture	(79)
(Pittsburgh Channel)	Woman hopping mad after her sister beats her with her own prosthetic leg	(41)
	Army shipping wounded soldiers still undergoing treatment back to Iraq due to troop shortages	(141)
(Ars Technica)	Photo IDs actually increase crime, identity theft, voter fraud	(60)
	What are some combinations of items that you'd be embarrassed to be seen buying together at the store, but are completely innocent on their own? For example: a cucumber and baby oil	(656)
	Man celebrates his forty-fourth birthday after walking 660 miles to South Pole	(52)
(Some Guy with Singles)	Just as you don't pick up milk and eggs at the strip club, it's pretty unusual to encounter a woman stripping naked at the local supermarket	(84)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this free faller	(91)
	Reminder: Minnesota Fark party tonight at Nye's Polonaise. Seek shelter from the bone-numbing cold by getting comfortably numb with Farkers and Farkettes	(90)
	The new Ford pickups: Built Cartel Tough	(78)
(Tuscon Citizen)	Not news: State upset about Mexicans flooding in seeking work. News: It's the Mexican state of Sonora	(113)
	Rebel violence triggers surge of Thai fighters	(89)
(Some Guy)	"Oh snap, she stabbed me"	(77)
	Hillary takes Nevada, all eyes turn now to South Carolina to see if Obama can maintain a two-person race	(949)
	A macaque is a really good general purpose sort of monkey	(59)
	Leave no red rose as a token, of that lie thy soul hath spoken/ Leave my loneliness unbroken/ Leave the cognac above my door/ Quoth the stranger, "Evermore"	(67)
(News Tribune)	Welcome home for two inmates who escaped in "Shawshank Redemption" style plot. What say there, fussy-britches. Feel like talkin'?	(61)
	Romney takes Nevada, Ron Paul comes in second... which isn't as earth-shattering as it sounds since they were the only two actively running there	(825)
	The master criminals who harassed a manatee and posted a video of it on MySpace will have to spend up to a month each in federal prison. And issue an apology on MySpace	(118)
	Clowns say that survey finding them scary to children is NOT true, and that the little buggers better agree with them if they know what's good for 'em	(114)
	Boy, 16, enjoys champagne, hostesses and then some	(113)
	Author travels the world seeking out the "happiest places on Earth." Difficulty: he's an admitted grump and NPR correspondent, which is basically redundant	(101)
(The La Crosse Tribune)	Actual news site poll: What is your favorite number between 0 and 20? (In "The Buzz" section on the main page)	(203)
(Lakeland Ledger)	Police called to scene of dispute. Woman gesturing to police officer inadvertently bumps police officer's shirt pocket. Gesture inadvertently releases police dog. Police dog advertently attacks teenage girl	(154)
	Judge allows the City of Chicago to oversee their own efforts to clean up their notoriously corrupt hiring practices. In other news, Mr. Fox has become head of security at the henhouse and Michael Jackson has opened a daycare center	(43)
(WLTX.com)	Insurance rejects transplant patient who needs $3200 a month for anti-rejection medication. Ironic tag succumbs to Obvious tag	(285)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this serious owl. Srsly	(120)
(KPTM.com)	Identical twin earns perfect score on ACT	(142)
(KPTM.com)	Identical twin earns perfect score on ACT	(46)
	UK Health & Safety Executive forces local drama group to lock up their wood and plastic swords, register toy gun with police. Thanks, we all feel much safer now	(112)
	Crown Princess Mary training with Danish National Guard, still hitable	(125)
(Kingston Daily Freeman)	Today's "old man on the roof stealing phone service for his camp in the woods" story is brought to you by Accord, New York	(18)
	Red-bellied cooter threatens casino project	(50)
(Some Guy)	11-year-old booked with armed robbery for stealing cheesy bread and buffalo wings	(43)
(Some Guy)	"She was screaming, 'We're going to Egypt, we're going to Egypt' while she was trying to strangle my mother-in-law to death"	(64)
(Lincolnshire Echo)	If a man breaks into your home demands £15,000, you better give it to him. Unless he's willing to settle for some chives, instead	(19)
	Bake the pizza guaranteed to offend everybody: with beef, foi gras, calves' liver, nuts, and whale bacon. Mmmm whale bacon	(79)
(Sioux City Journal)	Stray cat outside car dealership brought in just in time to have kittens (w/video)	(513)
(Some "Boy")	Daughter of cult leader, arrested for posing as teen boys and girls while skipping around Europe, may be able to shed light on abusive Czech "stepmom" who tied her young son up in a closet naked. Whole lot of crazy going on	(38)
	Locksmith thrown into jail after cops find his fingerprints on lock he installed earlier, and then ingeniously connect him to the crime	(72)
	Group of middle-aged "rioting yobs" chop down a telephone pole to put on a bonfire, then attack police when they try to stop them. With mugshots, for anyone wondering what rioting yobs look like	(49)
	Scotland's "Naked Rambler" released after 20 months in prison. Celebrates by taking off all his clothes and getting arrested again. Six steps from the courtroom	(56)
	Moose are moving into Utah neighborhoods. Flying squirrels soon to follow	(31)
	Turns out the plane that landed at Heathrow without any power was landed by the co-pilot, who's name is Coward	(78)
	Alfred the blind harbor seal makes his L.A. Zoo debut, works on his "Marco Polo" skills	(11)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this boy and his robot	(108)
(The Pittsburgh Channel)	Rain, snow, sleet, dark of night may not stop mail, but video slots and poker at Mini Mart will	(9)
	Cops arrest and handcuff little old lady banned from church because she didn't like the pastor	(82)
	British soldiers selling their high-powered assault weapons so they can buy spotted dick, booze	(140)
	On this sad day in history in 1973, England lost a war against Iceland over cod, even after launching an unarmed "supertug" that did even less than David Beckham in the average L.A. Galaxy game	(37)
	Price of a pint of beer in England could double to £4 within the year. American Armored Wankball fans used to paying $9 for a half-cup of foam with some Bud Light splashing around the bottom sneer	(128)
	Clooney named U.N. messenger of peace, sends strongly worded letter to Fabio threatening sanctions	(38)
	No one expects the Spanish demolition	(40)
	The goggles finally do something: Ric Romero gives you an onion-proof view	(66)
(Edmonton Sun)	Cops search for stolen dog that happens to have just one testicle. "The fact that there’s only one hanging will help identify this dog," a police spokesman said	(30)

Fri January 18, 2008

	Man breaks into the same house twice to steal underpants. Dude, she's 14	(92)
	Kansas City mayor suggests letting people with criminal records become cops to increase the number of minorities on the police force. What could possibly go wrong?	(143)
	Feds recommend killing 30 sea lions a year at Columbia River dam to protect salmon, buckets	(106)
(Some Guy)	Nigerian e-mail scam recipient convinces scammer and friends to hand write Harry Potter for $100 per page as part of the Advanced Handwriting Recognition and Graphology project. Scamilarity ensues	(280)
	If you've stumbled upon a 9 mm fully automatic MP5 submachine gun, the Wayne, N.J. police department would like a word with you	(122)
	World's worst wax sculptures go up for sale. With pics that will haunt your dreams	(79)
	Olympic-sized swimming pool worth $500,000 stolen. In other news, it's apparently possible to steal a swimming pool	(49)
	High School invites noted homophobe and anti-civil rights activist to speak at MLK assembly. What could possibly go wrong?	(218)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this business school lobby	(48)
(Winona Daily News)	Bottomless beer cups, ladies-drink-for-free specials and alcohol atomizers may soon be a thing of the past in Minnesota	(77)
	Latex has been banned at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Well, there goes that fantasy	(59)
	Associated Press answers questions from readers for first time. Proving readers are morans, questions include "Whatever happened to Baghdad Bob?" and "What does college football eligibility have to do with the price of oil?"	(28)
	Ancient burial mask returned to ghost village. Descendents of the man who originally took the mask claim they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids	(10)
	Man pleads guilty to smuggling monkeys (that's plural) in his trousers. No word if man was wearing yellow hat	(28)
(Some Guy)	Bust me once for smoking pot? Shame on me. Bust me twice in two hours for smoking pot? Wait? Pizza? Mmmm pizza	(53)
	150 years ago this month, the first woman ever filed for divorce. When you see the pic, your only question will be why the husband didn't think of it sooner	(64)
	Trooper accused of overlooking possible drug charge in exchange for sexual favor from porn-actress gets off easy	(86)
	Judge gets angry because there was no courtroom available, dismissed 220 traffic tickets	(55)
(WLBZ.com)	Firefighters fight fire at egg farm. It was over easy but just left a shell. Investigators are hoping to crack this case soon	(49)
(Marine Corps Times)	Westboro Baptist Church to picket Camp Lejeune tomorrow because recent murder of pregnant Marine was "typical Marines."	(257)
	GM says new fuel requirements will add $6000 to the prices of their cars. Toyota engineers point and laugh	(500)
	Real estate investors scammed into buying $300,000 parking spaces. They are premium spots, though	(26)
	Today's incoherent headline award goes to: "Buffalo disease, Naples trash sour mozzarella sales." Somebody set us up the bomb	(44)
	After a two-week inquiry, the FBI concludes a toy monkey was not hanged as a symbol of hate but was merely hung out to dry, much like the taxpayers that paid for the investigation	(74)
	Shotgun-toting man arrested near US Capitol. EVERYBODY PANIC	(72)
	Transgender female sues hospital for breast augmentation refus ... OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE	(259)
	Slow news day? Bored editor? Maybe. Here's a report on something that's not happening	(61)
	Mother of the Year candidate who let 8-year-old daughter sleep over with a nudist admits the peeing incidents are "weird" but that it was not hurting anyone and she knows other people who drink urine	(195)
	Nevadans feel a certain level of harassment when outsiders mispronounce the state's name, irregardless of whether it's on purpose or not	(290)
(kare11.com)	Blowing up a dump truck in your yard may attract some unwanted attention	(54)
	Restaurant owner challenges county executive to boxing match in effort to overturn recently implemented alcohol tax	(39)
(WYFF4.com)	Man fends off snowballs with a machete and shotgun	(56)
	Plastic grocery bags are not the environmental tools of the devil, although they do lead to crappy movies about suburban ennui featuring a dead narrator	(114)
	In order to keep up with high demand for his free mustache rides, scientist clones himself (with pic of sweet mustache)	(113)
	Today's shut down brothel brought to you by Clearwater, FL (with mug shots)	(385)
(Some Guy)	Police officer alters arrest forms to read "State of Your Momma" as prank. Fark: DA actually files charges using form	(94)
	Illinois smoking ban turns out not to be the end of civilization as we know it	(298)
	Scary … a woman hides in her closet from intruders. Scarier … one of them joins her to hide from police	(45)
(Some +1 Guy)	Mace used at crowded party. Not the kind of mace you are thinking of. FLAIL	(194)
	Nepali linguists have come across an 82-year-old woman who they believe is the last speaker of the Dura language, and hope to record the language before she dies. Unfortunately all she keeps saying is "I want the knife"	(157)
	NASA attempting to create MMORPG. Trying to get funding, but another group is camping 'The Budgeting Director' a rare, named spawn	(91)
	Ugly bank customers in Florida exposed. No more hats, sunglasses or hoodies allowed	(80)
(Some Guy)	Panhandler begging for money busted with $3,426.78 cash in his pockets	(275)
	McDonald's program that gives free Happy Meals to students who get good grades is canceled because one parent doesn't want her precious snowflake to eat fast food	(478)
	"Clinton countered that being a womany woman is better than being a blacky black"	(70)
(Metro)	Does Hallmark do a "sorry we accidentally fired a missile into your house" card? Because the Russian military could use one	(48)
	As lawmakers try to ban 'truck nutz' - residents of one state getting are particularly upset. With video of trucks with balls	(174)
(some uninked farker)	Getting inked by the door-to-door tattoo salesman with his homemade tattoo gun seemed like a great idea. Until the tattoo-ee passed out and had to be hospitalized	(67)
(Some Guy)	10 things you didn't know you could buy from Amazon. Super saver shipping on gay attraction mist	(101)
	Couple dies in a car accident after 57 years together. Leave $1.6 million to 70 of their friends	(51)
(Some Kiwi)	New Zealand potato sorter lucky to be alive after harvester nicks him in the spuds	(21)
	Nudists charged in sexual assault of 12,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 boys	(167)
	Caption our happy First Lady	(114)
(Some Guy)	News websites not a prime destination for the current generation of web-surfing pretards as they say finding out what is happening in the world is "stressful"	(90)
(Energy Fiend)	1 Starbucks Venti White Mocha: 4.75, Add 11 shots: $6.05, Add Vanilla: $0.30, Add Hazelnut: $0.30, Add Cinnamon: $0.30, Add Soy: $0.40, Add Mocha: $.30, Add Caramel: $0.30. Total: $12.70. Free coupon for any drink: Priceless	(170)
(Zug.com)	Zug.com is having a $500 Photoshop contest for the funniest ad created for a male enhancement supplement. Finally, all the time you waste on these things can pay off. Penis	(75)
	Army Surgeon General's task force calls for comprehensive study of how to detect and treat traumatic brain injuries in soldiers. Also advocate slamming that barn door shut now that the horses have escaped	(45)
	Teacher on Internet cheating - "I had one cut and paste that was so blatant that the text still had web page adverts in it"	(280)
(WLBZ.com)	A woman fired from a job in one town office for gossip has been named Employee of the Year in another. But you didn't hear that from me	(40)
	Mother of the Year candidate leaves daughter home alone -- for six weeks -- to go on holiday. "She had, in her mind, made arrangements for the father to look after her"	(122)
	Your lifelong dream of wearing French President Francois Mitterrand's clothes is about to become a reality	(19)
	Naval Academy Midshipmen no longer allowed to lube up giant pole and climb on top of it	(174)
(The Local)	"Workman's skirt" sweeps Swedish building sites. Quick access to toolbox a major advantage	(143)
	♫ Oh,oobee doo / I wanna be like you / I wanna sue like you / Press walk like you, too / File meritless petitions too / An ape like me / Can learn to be litigious too ♪	(42)
(Lost And Found)	If you dropped your meth near the police station, it's ready for pickup	(32)
(Malawai Times)	Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice and those handcuffs obviously aren't working	(25)
	Kids in grades 5 to 8 are being offered $5000 to quit smoking cigarettes. Hey, that'll buy a lot of weed	(99)
	Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer dies. Checkmate	(373)
(mirror.co.uk)	"I've lost all power, I'll just glide her in." I thought it got dark early tonight, but it was just this guy's balls blocking out the sun	(326)
	Old and busted: writer's strike. New hotness: nude model's strike. EVERYBODY PANIC	(48)
(Some Tumbling Rock)	Photoshop this red door	(79)
(Your Local Librarian)	The worst video game of all time	(257)
	Durham, NC police accused of evidence tampering. The Nifong tradition lives on	(38)
(Boston Magazine)	Because of incompetence, a big American government department has been kept off the Internet since 2001	(66)
	Yeah, turns out they were taunting the tiger	(457)
	Creationist museum to auction off 350 year old mastodon skull	(479)
(Some Guy)	Man walking down the street with blood on his hands, a broken doorknob in his pocket, and smelling of pot tells police he had nothing to do with the "weed of Satan"	(23)
	Kindergarten parents shocked children are taught the names of bits and pieces they use in the restroom	(133)
	Adult club billboard draws citizen complaints, but officials explain it's perfectly legal as "specified anatomical" areas are covered	(54)
	German youth authorities send violent 16-year-old to Siberia where he can spend the next nine months alone, making his own fires, digging his own toilet and pumping his own water. Tag is for them	(124)
	Britain goes on extreme weather alert after forecasters observe phenomenon that in scientific terms is "Red sky in the morning." Hope that wasn't too jargony for you (w/ pic that will make sailors take warning)	(73)
	Over 250 people volunteer to help Colorado Division of Wildlife officers feed a herd of 21,000 stranded deer. Submitter can't get his wife to stop at a drive-thru for him on her way home	(39)
	As if you needed another reason not to go into Mexico. Gun battle erupts in Tijuana, complete with rooftop to rooftop fighting	(75)
(Some Local TV News)	All crimes have been solved, city aims to ban chicken mascot at hot wings joint and mascot protest breaks out	(34)
	New Jersey airport traffic controllers continue to thrill travellers with interactive passenger experiences by directing jets so close that you can hear pilots' sphincters tighten without even turning on the in-cabin announcement system	(47)
(WMUR)	Today's 22 dogs--three of them dead--and stuffed inside an SUV parked outside a Wal-Mart is brought to you by Salem, NH	(55)
	Not News: Man witnesses a car crash. News: Man pulls over, pulls them out of the wreck, and does triage and basic medical care until ambulance arrives. Fark: The only medical training he had was from a video game	(128)
	With no more pressing problems to address, British policewomen appeal for new pants because the ones they're issued make their asses look too big (pics)	(69)
	72% of teens surveyed feel confident about their ability to solve the world's problems with technology and creativity. Still no cure for atomic wedgies though	(106)

Thu January 17, 2008

(InventorSpot)	Paper airplane to be launched from space station... wait, what?	(45)
	Meet Osama bin Laden's dreadlocked, leather biker jacket-wearing son who wants to work for peace. Osama heard screaming he never should've let him to go to NYU	(110)
	Los Angeles federal officials propose law making it illegal to pretend to be someone else on the internet. Internet tough guy wanted for questioning	(123)
	Not News: Man's car cited for a snow emergency parking violation. News: The car is inoperable and hasn't been used in a decade. Fark: It's been parked in the owner's garage	(40)
(Some Guy)	How "American Idol" has changed radio, or why all top 40 sounds the same	(296)
	RIAA told to pay legal fees for harrassed defendant, faces possible class acton suit as a result of their tactics	(197)
(The Amazing Someguy)	Theme: Superheroes misusing their powers	(123)
	U.S. Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur (D-umbass) grills the chairman of the Federal Reserve about his involvement in the subprime mortgage crisis after mistaking him for U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson	(136)
	Sexual abuse victim beats the shiat out of the elderly paedophile who abused him as a child, only has to pay $280 for the pleasure. Bargain	(106)
	Actual quote from story: "They say he tooked an eighteen pack of Bud Light beer without paying."	(87)
	Teenagers in Utah want to see each other naked. Quick, ban cell phones	(93)
(Some Smelly Guy)	Drunk Mother of the Year Candidate "the reek of cat urine and vomit was nearly overwhelming," WTF mugshot included	(118)
	In the parlance of our time, Tom Cruise is stuck in the closet	(134)
	Clips from full uncut Tom Cruise Scientology video, in which he rescues America after 9/11 and single-handedly gets Paxil banned	(358)
	25 years after Seppo lends off Aussie museum and steals boomerang, Whacker returns it. Curator rages on, hits the turps and has a few schooners and gets totally stonkered	(57)
(Quill Blog)	The itsy bitsy penis was in the book, no doubt. U.S. publishers said air-brush the penis out. German illustrator angrily complained. Now the itsy bitsy penis is in the book again	(119)
(YNet News)	International community pledges $7.6 billion in Palestinian aid. That will buy a lot of rockets to shoot at Israel	(480)
	Five things not to do in the ER. "The patients" conspicuously absent from list	(207)
(The Courier-Journal)	In effort to reduce suicides, city considers idea to make it illegal to sit in an idling car	(84)
(nbc17)	North Carolina man arrested for using a bad pickup line	(227)
(Ars Technica)	The head of National Intel says he wants "the ability to read all the information crossing the Internet in the United States." You know, in case Perez Hilton is Al-Qaeda or Tera Patrick has a secret message in her hoo-ha	(341)
	Hall & Oates cancels Florida tour. Reason? Too busy developing cartoon about superpowers of Oates' mustache. Really	(154)
	Couple sues Martha Stewart for poisoning their children with her dinnerware	(81)
	Some of the highest paying jobs in the US. Running Fark.Com suspiciously absent from list	(216)
(Distraught Student)	BYU students want to put blinds up on the aerobics room at the local Gold's Gym. Why for, you ask? Why because of the provocitive dancing and pornography, of course	(433)
(Statesman.com)	At $250,000, this 550 sq. ft. solar-powered double wide is a steal	(51)
(Some Guy)	Previously mislabeled photos unveiled from Lincoln's second inaugural	(126)
(myspace)	Chief Wana Dubie declares run for Missouri Governor	(76)
(Ars Technica)	More and more colleges and ISP's will filter copyrighted content from their networks, just like they filtered out all the spam and viruses	(83)
	Well-known gang members taunt Metro-Dade Gang Unit on YouTube. Invite law enforcement to "come at us." Not surprisingly, law enforcement comes at them (with link to dumbass YouTube clip)	(243)
(John Waters)	Photoshop a different reflection for this pink flamingo	(77)
	Woman changes gears and turns to exercise bike after she tires of men spinning her wheels, yanking her chain. Becomes spokes-woman for bike-sexuals everywhere	(149)
	Good: Shredding old documents. Bad: Placing your NFC championship game ticket next to the pile of documents to be shredded. Fark: Finding the Packers' ticket office had heard crazy stories like this before	(98)
(Some Guy)	Primary care doctors get together to create innovative solution for people who lack health insurance. Wait a second, you mean pharmaceutical companies and politicians don't know what's best for us?	(209)
	Man apologizes for killing hotel's duck	(122)
	Weird: Zimbabwe central bank issues $10 million bill. Weirder: That and another $5 million will get you a hamburger. Weirdest: Until now, the largest denomination bill was $750,000	(169)
(Wicked Local Quincy)	Police ask pedestrians not to jump in front of moving traffic so often. Apparently this isn't considered obvious in the Boston area	(80)
	North Cherry Creek Sports Bar: Come for the Wings, Stay for the Newborns Stuffed In Plastic Bags	(120)
(Break.com)	Newscaster to teen in big trouble: "Why don't you go home and take a long hard look at yourself?" Teen: "I have. Everyone has. They love it."	(181)
	500-lb NYC cop doesn't understand that his weight might have something to do with his "injury."	(146)
	When swinging a chicken over your head before slaughtering it on county property, don't forget to clean up the messy remains	(41)
	Lawsuit alleges patient having eye exam opened her eyes and saw doctor pulling his shirt down. And then it got weird	(90)
	Parenting tip of the day from the FDA: Don't give the baby Nyquil	(99)
	Thousands gather in Rome for the running of the balls	(25)
(WCBS 880)	Cow found in NJ woman's garage. Can't be mooved because it's illegal to put a cow in a pickup truck in NJ	(42)
	Britney Spears might be engaged and why not?	(132)
	Richard Knerr, 82, co-founder of Wham-O, has died. He invented that circle thing, you know, for KIDS	(107)
	Stephen Colbert gets limited six-week showing at National Portrait Gallery on the wall right between the bathrooms over top of the water fountain. Museum officials say that's an "appropriate place." (w/photos)	(93)
	Majority of British wives would leave their husband if not for the money. Yeah, lying on the sofa, going to the pub, and beating up Florrie really brings in the big bucks	(129)
	Police investigate shooting of two poodles. Wait, that's a crime? They're poodles for crap sake. Have you ever MET a poodle? Jeez	(80)
	A man who did not have a record and didn't have any alcohol or drugs on him flees police while leaving his two-year old son in the car	(61)
	Your relationship with your girlfriend is bad when she throws your pizza in the sink and you throw her hardboiled eggs on top of the pizza and she throws scissors at you and you have to go to a bar to get your wounds treated	(38)
(Gulf Times)	Qatar has a zoo filled with robotic animals, including a platypus, giraffe, and a giant squid... that combine to form DEVASTATOR	(66)
	"Teresa Malof knew she wasn't in Kentucky anymore when a cleric issued a fatwa against her secret Santa gift exchange."	(188)
(British Medical Journal)	Should surgeons turn their heads when they sneeze during an operation?	(40)
(NY Daily News)	Hillary: If there's one thing I know about 46 year old punks, it's that they don't have what it takes to be President. Bill Clinton, 46 when he became President, unavailable for comment	(356)
	You find out your son stole a taser from a police car do you c) post a video of you and son tasering each other on the Internet?	(39)
	Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the disappearance of the greatest humanitarian you've never heard of	(125)
(CBS6Albany)	The first 2008 Fark hooker round-up comes from Schenectady, NY with some scary Do Not Want mugshot goodness	(141)
	Why the internet kicks TV's ass, with a breakdown of the Australia party douche kid story as an example. Bonus: Fark gets big mention as the springboard	(90)
(kusa-tv)	Be careful if you are walking the streets of Greely Colorado, you might get summoned for emergency jury duty while walking down the street	(78)
	Captured anti-whaling protester fed whale meat for dinner. Mmmm... whale meat	(231)
	Over 100 people sleep in tents waiting for free chicken. Mmmm... chicken	(54)
	Scientists officially discover that the perfect female legs are slightly longer than average and attached to Kylie Minogue	(122)
	No wonder kids can't stand clowns: The 'Net is a roiling cauldron of grownup clown hatred	(72)
	Need to escape from the conference call from hell? Here's some tips, plus a few more cool ideas	(26)
	British Airways pilot gets high marks for arriving ahead of schedule, loses points for arriving ahead of runway	(193)
	Bisexuality isn't just a phase. Dear diary, JACKPOT	(598)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these archers	(53)
	You don’t want to get caught for running a stop sign do you A) shut off your headlights and take off B) punch a cop C) choke a K-9 D) all of the above (with mugshot goodness)	(61)
(Merced Sun-Star)	Not news: Wrestling team develops a rash. News: Assistant principal performs diagnosis, declares it herpes. Fark.com: He announces over the campus intercom	(80)
(Some Guy)	School softball coach directs students to Myspace for further instructions... where you could also find inappropriate pictures of the assistant coach... who happened to be his daughter. (w/news video)	(83)
(Some Guy)	Pizza man, pizza man, pizza man hates robber man. They have a fight, pizza wins, pizza man	(168)
(WWL)	The Red Cross is facing a $200 million budget deficit and a thousand layoffs because there hasn't been a high-profile disaster in a while	(58)
	British schoolteacher suspended when her students spot her in a raunchy ad, simulating sex with workmen. Tag is for the kids who turned her in; with "fist of an angry god" photo	(204)
	Elderly woman sparks massive air-sea rescue after mistaking screams from her TV for real ones. But who among us who has viewed porn has not made the same mistake?	(42)
	Explosion at winery leaves workers weak bodied with a rich red hue, containing discernible hints of charred debris and strong character best described as dead	(57)
	The veteran pilot said the UFO, an estimated half-mile wide and a mile long, was "bigger than a Wal-Mart." In other news Wal-Mart is the new standard for all comparisons	(196)
	Teacher accused by student of teaching teens how to make cocktails, roll joints, watch porn on Internet. Like, why teach them stuff they know already?	(55)
	You know what? If you're a small-town mayor and you get busted for enticing a minor over the Internet, you really shouldn't phone the detective who busted you and beg him to make the case 'go away'	(32)
	Los Angeles police say that their surveillance cameras in a large park have successfully reduced serious crime in the area. So, naturally they've decided to remove the cameras	(39)
	If you live in Iowa and a man knocks on your door and says he'll get rid of the squirrel infestation in your chimney for $600, don't trust him	(27)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 141: “Heavy Metal" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(210)

Wed January 16, 2008

	Man in his underwear chases burglar out of his house and down the street while swinging an ax handle, heard screaming "wait till I get my hanes on you"	(62)
	MySpace and YouTube are fast becoming the best law enforcement tools out there -- two 9th grade girls arrested after beating another girl and posting video of it online	(59)
(Some Guy)	Juice is on the loose again - OJ posts bail	(48)
	Headline: CNN reporter shot in Kenyan unrest. Story: shot in the back with a tear gas canister	(56)
	Grown man gets his little man caught in a mannequin	(75)
	Stunned witnesses grab a man before he leaps from the Empire State Building (with video)	(216)
	Police investigating the cause of a chain reaction car accident have nothing to go on until they find portable toilet	(23)
	The crime of the century in Alice, Texas involves the mayor, her twin sister, a burly investigative reporter, and a dead dog, that's not really dead	(66)
	This just in: Teens are sending nude photos of themselves using their camera cell phones. Also, Germans love David Hasselhoff	(160)
	Study shows 70% reduction in heavy metal in the air in the U.K. since 1980. Judas Priest, Iron Maiden bow their heads in a moment of silence	(130)
(KMBC)	Nine year old girl saves 8 year old friend with the Heimlich. When asked about payback, rescuer responds: “All she needs to do is be my best friend for life.”	(88)
	La Niña to help drought conditions in Idaho. For those of you who do not speak Spanish, "La Niña" means "The Niña"	(76)
	Asshat says law against him claiming to have won the Medal of Honor when he didn't is against his free speech rights, the same rights that actual Medal of Honor winners fought to protect	(180)
	Thieves decide to steal themselves a large set of brass ones	(12)
	Sex keeps people attached into older age. Old, dry, wrinkly sex	(126)
(koco.com)	Legislator proposes putting drunk driving convictions on driver's license to alert bartenders. Because if there's one thing bartenders need to know, it's who their heavy drinkers are	(65)
(The Local)	There will never be a better opportunity for a Swedish sex bomb pun - so milk it	(48)
	Until O.J. Simpson comes up with $250,000, "O.J." will continue to stand for "orange jumpsuit"	(39)
	Oklahoma's state revenues got an unexpected boost from December's ice storm. Now officials are contemplating how to profit from tornadoes	(31)
(Some Farker)	Today in 1919 was one of the darkest days in US history	(139)
	Man arrested for 99th time, coming close to testing New York state's "100 strikes and you're out" rule (with pic)	(92)
	City officials in Frankfort, KY to decide whether Szokie the Goat is considered a pet, livestock, or friend with benefits	(21)
(Some Guy)	Photoshoppers rejoice as Library of Congress posts thousands of copyright free images to Flickr	(64)
(Some Guy)	Your kid refuses to wear a Packers jersey during the big game. Do you: A) tell him about the rich tradition of Green Bay football in Wisconsin; B) ask him to leave the room; or C) duct-tape it to him and incur felony charges?	(157)
(Some Guy)	New Mexico investigating how an entire town got bukkakked	(116)
(NYDN)	Construction worker hit on the head by a piece of wood gets a UFIA from doctors then winds up in jail. With unforgettable quote, "Where I came from, you don't put anything in someone's a**hole"	(291)
(WoodTV8)	Today's forecast calls for cold, clear skies with winds from the southeast, and a 85% chance of pork. 40,000 pounds of pork, to be exact	(57)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this blue crab	(74)
	Man arrested for murdering his long-term partner, after police secretly tape him confessing. To his cats	(68)
	Throwing an awesome party can put you on top of the world. Producing child porn can put you under a convict named Rocko	(84)
(Gainesville Sun)	Jack Kevorkian continues push for legal euthanasia, notes that it can end suffering, provide cheap source of protein for the poor	(118)
	See this juice box? You can put your weed in it	(93)
	New research shows that clowns scare the fark out of kids: "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children," says Dr. Romero	(165)
	Former Republican Congressman indicted for supporting terrorist fundraising ring that backed al-Qaida and the Taliban	(579)
	Yorkshire police fail to recognise one of Britain's most-wanted paedophiles in spite of his picture being listed on their newly launched website	(17)
(Missoulian)	"How was your day honey?" "Oh, it was good. We net-gunned about 40 bighorn sheep from the helicopter and carried them off the island." Just another day at the office for this crew. With video	(45)
	Chase says "bend over", hikes non-customer ATM fee to $3	(341)
	GM's self dubbed "Moon Shot" for the hybrid market almost gets better coefficient of drag numbers backwards than forwards	(244)
	Planned fund-raising party for children at firehouse canceled because kids might slip on spilled lemonade and juice. The Nanny State outdid itself this time	(58)
	Police arrest woman for shoplifting, find out she had been registered as dead a month before. Weirder: Her parents had identified her 'dead' body	(47)
	Drink beer -- without getting a beer gut. Check out this list of high- and low-calorie brews	(223)
	New eco-friendly Walmart has decorative moldings made from used diapers	(59)
	UK Farkers rejoice as Brown declares war on the Nanny State culture	(114)
	English Premiership soccer player who drove drunk, parked his car across two lanes on a major freeway, and fell asleep said it was the referee's fault	(41)
(Rock Bottom Location)	Indianapolis Fark Party this Friday, January 18. Start at Rock Bottom, then move to Jillians	(66)
(Some Guy)	Atlanta to get snow today. EVERYBODY PANIC	(219)
(TNT)	Sea lions take advantage of dam good fishing on Columbia, give middle flipper to wildlife agents	(52)
(Some traveler)	Vermont. Celebrating 40 years of billboard-free views. Suck it, pop up states	(249)
	These criminals gave their correct names to the police ------>penis	(67)
	Hungarian scientists taking time off from not finding a cure for cancer are developing dog-bark translator. Most common translation: "I want goulash"	(63)
(RADAR)	A glossary of terms that explains what Tom Cruise was saying in his crazy Scientology video	(553)
	Last Call: Edgar Allen Poe Birthday Fark Party: Baltimore, January 18, 10:00 pm at Maggie Moore's, followed by waiting for the Poe Toaster. LGT previous thread	(64)
	Environmentalists want to kill all the wild horses. Well, that begs the question. Who's gonna ride your wild horses? Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?	(164)
(KOB)	Albuquerque is making so much money from ticket cameras, the city can't figure out how to spend it all. Buying a vowel hopefully not an option	(65)
	America: Where chickpeas are the new comfort food	(214)
	Ugly ass polar bear cub opens eyes, with ear piercing cub crying video	(73)
	Exactly 30 years ago, the greatest moment in the history of televised entertainment was broadcast	(364)
	I-95 shutdown in Florida as another great sinkhole opens to swallow up those wonderful Florida automobiles	(95)
	Texas Attorney General says "MySpace law" is worthless and does nothing to keep kids safe. Obvious tag checks for new friend requests	(66)
	University professor bans Google and Wikipedia sourced work and provides a reading list of books instead	(217)
	Apparently, its illegal in New York to walk down the street with a python around your neck. Who knew?	(51)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Davey Crockett action figure	(59)
(Daily Princetonian)	Princeton student who was assaulted with an Orangina bottle for his Scientology beliefs now claims that he was abducted by extraterrestrials. Bonus: Article written by Tom Cruise	(90)
	Want some of Leona Helmsley's stuff? Now's your chance... though sadly the dog is not up for auction	(17)
	British intelligence agents nabbed "Al Qaeda's top Internet agent" after he cunningly attempted to set up a Web site called YOUBOMBIT (w/freaky mugshot)	(203)
(Some Not So Prescient Guy)	Astrological Magazine ceases publication due to "unforeseen circumstances"	(61)
(Some Guy)	Man found walking down street plastered in flour and ketchup, plastered	(23)
	Queen of England does not want women dressing as filthy whores at this year's Royal Ascot horse jamboree. Camilla told to leave favorite bridle at home	(56)
(news-leader.com)	Sorority disbanded for playing drinking games, leaving blindfolded girls in a cemetery, and forcing a pledge to get an application from a strip club. In other news, sorority commended for novel outreach efforts, pole work	(110)
(news-leader.com)	Ther iz a sux0r born evry min. ;)	(22)
(City Pages)	"Between 150 and 200 real-life superheroes, or 'Reals' as some call themselves, operate in the United States"	(293)
(WLBZ.com)	Man is suing a grocery store chain for his illness resulting from a two-pack-a-day habit. Two packs of microwave popcorn, that is	(42)
(Journal News)	News: Man robs minimart, flees. Fark: Flees to state prison grounds, corrections officer	(8)
	When holding a funeral, at least make an attempt to be sure the guy you think you're burying is actually dead	(27)
(shieldsgazette)	Grief-stricken owner demands supermarket punch air holes in packets after his dog suffocates on plastic chicken bag; if only the dog had wanted steak	(73)
	Bill Gates = Ceiling Cat	(76)
	Caption what Dubya is thinking	(197)
	I-Mockery discovers that Orbitz, the discontinued drink with the floating balls in it, actually still exists under a different name	(70)
(insidebayarea.com)	If you're going to rob a bank, make sure you know how to get the safe open first	(9)
	Maybe "LOONY-BIN-RALLY" isn't the best slug for the press release about a march for mental illness	(26)
	Every now and then the 'Stay the hell off his lawn' cliche turns out to be valuable advice (pic)	(29)
	ACLU goes to bat for Senator Larry Craig. Takes a wide stance on sex in public restrooms	(456)
(Fox 9 Twin Cities)	When sending your hard drive to Best Buy for data recovery, it's best not to have a folder on it named XXXYOUNGS (w/mugshot)	(165)
	Passenger takes control of bus after driver falls asleep behind wheel, keeps it above 50 mph	(20)
	Bad: Spending 11 years in prison for a rape you didn't commit. Fark: spending 2 more years because your DNA proven release got put into the wrong file folder	(129)
(Roanoke.com)	Bad: You crash pickup truck into telephone pole, hospitalizing passenger. Worse: You fail 2 of 3 sobriety tests, blow .25 BAC, get DUI charge. Fark: You are a Virginia State Policeman - now unemployed	(43)
(9News.com)	After decades opposing it, Colorado liquor stores finally support Sunday liquor sales. Mostly because grocery stores may soon sell beer and wine and run them out of business	(91)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this slider	(56)

Tue January 15, 2008

	Good Samaritan has bad day. "If there was a blonde, half-naked chick running away from a guy with a chainsaw, I wouldn't stop"	(123)
(newsreview.info)	Best weekend plans: Break into country store, steal doughnuts, dress in cowboy garb, offer stolen doughnuts to cops, 'act normal, dude'	(17)
	U.S. births rise in part because illegal immigrants are having the babies American women won't have	(320)
(Roanoke.com)	Apparently irate about recent increase in tuition, a couple of deer bust into Radford University administrative building. That, ladies and gentlemen, is not the best way to save a buck or two	(62)
(alaska.com)	A can of Budweiser: 5 percent alcohol. A bottle of Listerine: 26.9 percent. Bums with minty breath: 100 percent	(139)
	Romney wins Mittschigan	(399)
	Armed and hungry 13-year-old girl robs Burger King. "Give me a (expletive) cheeseburger now"	(132)
	Italian Supreme Court OK's using a hidden camera to tape sex. Also OKs overuse of cologne, bad haircuts, and ridiculously tight pants	(55)
(Some Guy)	Bill would make TruckNutz illegal in VA. Fark squirrel unavailable for comment	(156)
(AJC)	Actor Brad Renfro becomes Client of Ghost World	(199)
(American Thinker)	NY Times prints article implicating returning U.S. war vets in 121 killings. Neglects to point out that rate is five times lower than others in their age bracket	(116)
	News: Wisconsin is trying to explain why it has printed people's social security numbers on the outside of a mailing. Fark: for the third time	(66)
(The News & Observer)	Former Durham DA Mike Nifong, the Duke lacrosse case prosecutor, files for bankrupty, claiming millions of dollars in debts. Fark needs a "Karma" tag	(120)
	Another man arrested for driving drunk on his lawn mower, this time in New Zealand. It's a wonder they didn't arrest him for disturbing the sheep	(23)
	Computer system runs 10,000 simulations of AFC Championship to predict that the San Diego Chargers have a better chance of winning than you do of winning the lottery... but not by much	(181)
	Britney was standing in the store completely naked so "I grabbed a dress to cover her and she screamed, 'Get away from me Don't you *****ng come near me"	(487)
	The Guardian catches onto the fact that Lord Alton's married twins story might be a complete and total fabrication	(23)
	The hottest female arrestee you’ll see today. Honest	(312)
	TicketsNow is finally breaking the Ticketmaster monopoly . . . damn . . . Ticketmaster is buying them out	(36)
(WTVT-TV)	When Jesus appears in a slab of granite, there are only two words that should come to mind: "Florida" and "eBay"	(65)
(Some Guy)	After inviting her to "touch my muscles," Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez has started dating supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nicolas Sarkozy surrenders	(88)
(Some Guy)	Theme: Magnification. Enlarge something to reveal its hidden properties. LGT example	(63)
(northjersey.com)	College requires faculty to respect all differing views - like fascism and racism. This should end well	(146)
(WISTV 10)	Guy wanted for conterfeiting money, now found to have counterfeited his death. At least he's going with his strengths	(19)
	Wesley Snipes starts his tax fraud trial in Ocala, Florida. The first thing his lawyers do is pull out an entire deck of race cards	(88)
(Louisville Courier-Journal)	Kentuckians get hot and bothered over photo of two University of Louisville basketball players kissing, and they weren't even siblings	(118)
(Rutland Herald)	Control room operator at nuclear power plant suspended for working while under the influence of pot-laced brownies that he "accidentally ate"	(54)
	C'mon - she's only 12. She didn't know that before you rob a Girl Scout of her cookie money that you don't have to fill out an order blank and put your name and address on it	(91)
	Forgetting which side of the Bay Bridge it's on, San Francisco is averaging one homicide every 52 hours in 2008	(205)
(Some QC dude)	News, in a series of attacks, woman is victim of arson, a shooting, multipule stabbings and assults. FARK, she is the suspect	(65)
	What is the sane thing to do if you don't get the fries you ordered with your McMeal? Why, ram your car into the restaurant of course	(78)
	If you "borrowed" a 300 pound fiberglass cow, the Newport News, VA police department would like a word with you	(64)
	Tourist pamphlet spoilt by nose picking girl	(293)
(JC Online)	If you're going to rob a convenience store, be sure not to shoot yourself in the testicle. Actually that's good advice no matter what you're doing	(102)
	Attorney says Boston police officer doesn't usually get drunk and rob a gas station with his service weapon, so go easy on him	(58)
	Plane belonging to Egyptian nuclear agency crashes, although officials refuse to confirm incident. Denial is more than just a river there	(51)
	FDA approves cloned meat for human consumption	(280)
	FDA approves cloned meat for human consumption	(70)
(Some Guy)	Ladies and gentlemen, making a triumphant return, please welcome back.... Black Death. EVERYBODY PANIC	(133)
	Bill Clinton gives a young girl the vapors during one of his speeches	(181)
	Philadelphia police now valuing marijuana seizures as being worth $100 a joint, and the media is glad to play along	(256)
	Florida trumps California, finds 114 cars in one canal. Bonus: one with driver still in it	(69)
(Opie and Anthony)	Australian Party Boy Corey Delaney confirms his celebrity status on the Opie and Anthony Show	(64)
	He captured the hearts and minds of dozens--nay, severals of internet viewers. Happy Birthday Trogdor	(92)
	Nearly one in 10 pages viewed on computers at Dallas public libraries is pr0n	(111)
(Dell)	Drew: "I love it." Dell: "Cool...anything else?" Drew: "So where's the cup holder?" (Sponsored Link)	(156)
(Some Stripper)	Las Vegas Strippers May Influence Global Nuclear-Waste Policy. Actual headline, actual article	(49)
	82 year old bride's wedding day death bums out 24 year old groom, "Like, we were going to go to Hawaii. I was stoked cause I'd never been out of the country."	(164)
(Big Head DC)	CNN runs promo showing senator as a criminal -- problem is, he isn't one of the known criminals in Congress (yet)	(96)
(Drew)	Front page auto-refreshing results from yesterday. Also - anyone want to grab a beer tonight around 9:30pm?	(60)
	The guy doing the taunting on the radio during the Iran gulf warship encounter was probably a well-known local prankster who has been doing it for years. Baba Booey	(161)
	If you're telecommuting, you may be hurting office morale	(106)
	What has eight legs, two good eyes, swears, and is not welcome at some restaurants?	(188)
(Hindustan Times)	In what might as well be news from another galaxy, Supreme Court allows jallikattu, the traditional sport of bull-runs held during the Pongal festival, to go on	(29)
	Springfield, MO, avoids endless lines of fat, ugly women as it turns out the Brad Pitt Museum idea was just a hoax	(103)
(Some Guy)	Mistake #1 - Turning the stove's gas on without lighting the stove. Mistake #2 - Lighting a cigarette	(30)
	Think Hitler would have owned a blu-ray player? Think again. Der Untergang subtitled to reflect the fall of HD-DVD	(98)
(Some Guy)	Fraternity at Northwestern is under fire after hiring a group of midget wrestlers to perform during a recruitment event	(129)
(Times Herald Record)	Truly a cunning plan: hotel guests steal flat-screen TV from the hotel storage room... and bring it back to their hotel room. Might have gotten away with it if not for the security cameras	(26)
	Three dead in attack on US embassy vehicle in Beirut	(212)
	2006: Security guards prevent man from jumping off the Empire State building. 2008: Same man sues Empire State Building owners for $30M for severe emotional distress. Going splat into 5th Ave: Priceless	(96)
	German researchers have proof that the Koran might not actually have been written by Mohammed. This should all end well	(406)
(Some Guy)	Today marks the 89th anniversary of one of the darkest days in cooking products history: the Boston Molasses Disaster	(89)
(BulldogRadio.com)	Drew is live with Bulldog and the Rude Awakening Show this morning at 9:40 EST. Listen live via the link. Call in at 1-877-723-9626	(52)
(some other guy)	Photoshop some guy meditating	(56)
	Girl Scouts to sell cookies in 100 calorie packages. Still no cure for the urge to down an entire box of the crack cocaine known as Thin Mints	(252)
	What kidnapping would be complete without stopping at gas stations and forcing the victims to buy beer	(37)
(Some Guy)	Caption this picture submitter took of John McCain and a Ford product specialist at the Detroit Auto Show	(153)
	Afghanistan's intelligence service arrests man wearing police uniform suspected in bombing hotel, are still on the lookout for his accomplices who were reportedly dressed as a construction worker, an indian, a biker, and a cowboy	(22)
	"BBC wins battle of news bongs"	(64)
	Woman saved from house fire by neighbour's trampoline. Woman saved from house fire by neighbour's trampoline. Woman saved from house fire by neighbour's trampoline. Woman saved from house fire by neighbour's trampoline	(72)
	Why US pickets walk in circles	(111)
	MRSA is being transmitted by gay sex. Quick, someone get Fred Phelps on the phone	(319)
	Medical association stiffly rebukes chef for serving aphrodisiac dessert, but he remains firm	(41)
	Brunswick splits from bowling pin production. Strike not likely as no employees were spared	(72)
	Burglar breaks into stables, steals chicken feed and wheelbarrow, feeds victim's pussycat before leaving. Obviously not a cat burglar, then	(23)
	Jan. 15, 2001: The "free encyclopedia that anyone can edit" is invented by Thomas Edison and Malcolm Jamal-Warner. Happy 15th Birthday, Wikipedia	(187)
	Survey find average person tells 88,000 lies over their lifetime, or an average of four every day. Of course you submitted this with a better headline, and it was a really good one	(88)
(Blackpool Gazette)	Escapologist has to be rescued from padlocked duvet - Can you hear that? No, not the laughter of the crowd, it's Houdini turning in his grave (which is covered in chains and 20ft underwater)	(31)
	Father who suffers from "manboobs" says he has become a prisoner in his own home after health bosses refuse to pay for breast reduction. Still willing to pose topless for an Internet pic	(130)
	Man gets five years in tree massacre. Axed if he was sawry, the man says he pines for the losses	(64)
	From the humans you shot, you got 218 pounds of meat. However, you were only able to carry 100 pounds back to the SUV	(81)
	Sonata for bullet in A minor	(43)
(Some Guy)	Family continues Oregon-bound roadtrip with dead grandma in RV. Griswold Family unavailable for comment	(42)
(KGO San Francisco)	Boeing 757 backs into a commuter jet at San Francisco International Airport. Police describe the plane as "a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol."	(120)
	Woman in metric assload of trouble for selling produce in pounds and not kilos – even though EU claims that no such law exists (pics)	(109)
(Some Guy)	84-year-old woman uses handbag to beat down bicyclist who ran a red light and almost ran her down (pic)	(156)
	Not News: Lake levels in California are low. Fark: Which has revealed all the stolen and abandoned cars that people dump into lakes	(47)
	And this week's "THAT THAR'S ONE O' THEM UFOs" story comes to you from Stephenville, Texas	(89)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Popcorn	(91)
(Some Guy)	Jail administrator now in jail for illegally jailing wife. JIAL	(62)
	In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, Columbus' junk was turning blue	(92)
	Iran urged to stop letting its citizens get stoned. Bummer, man	(211)

Mon January 14, 2008

(Pantagraph.com)	German man accidentally drinks from "gasoline flask". Bonus: After realizing his mistake, spits gasoline onto lit cigarette	(72)
	Today's "kid left in hot car while guardian shops at Flea World" brought to you by Sanford, Florida (w/mugshot)	(96)
(News Channel 9 Chattanooga)	Woman arguing with boyfriend sets his car on fire, suggests that he "might want to get some marshmallows" (w/mugshot)	(59)
(Some Guy)	Tellin' me to marry the 'fine young lady' on TV? That's a stabbin'. (w/mugshot goodness)	(61)
	Gay actor taking BBC to court after suffering pelvic injuries due to bending over for long periods while wearing a pink and brown bear suit	(84)
	New York Police Department says no to facial hair such as goatees, quickly solving its evil twin problem	(136)
(Gazette.com)	Hot wings place in Colorado hires a guy to stand outside in a chicken suit; city forces owner to have the guy in the chicken suit hold a flag to "maintan the town's mountain grandeur." With snowy chicken-suited photo goodness	(171)
	The Smurfs kick off a smurf year of 50th birthday smurf celebrations today with smurfberry cake and smurf sasparilla juice	(141)
	That guy that fired his employees for not smoking? Maybe not so much	(175)
	According to astronomers, the universe is playing out like a Quentin Tarantino movie. So the universe is actually boring and dull but gets a pass for doing something good once 14 years ago	(190)
	New dolphin school teaching sudents to become airborne. Whales invited to learn similar techniqes to avoid Japanese whalers (with pic of dolphins flying)	(63)
	Having solved all the world's problems, the Vatican decides now is a good time to answer that enduring question: Is Harry Potter really evil?	(165)
	Identity of the "Mona Lisa" finally revealed by scribbled notes in margin of 1503 book. Also revealed: shopping list for buboe cream, extra-large codpiece and new witch-ducking stool	(102)
	New state representative in Colorado kicks news photographer during morning prayer before being sworn-in. (video included)	(176)
(Gothamist)	Trump SOHO partially collapses in on itself, one fatality reported	(210)
(Charleston Daily Mail)	Newspaper photo gallery of ring girls at "Rough and Rowdy Brawl." SFW, but bring your own eyebleach	(116)
	Is "Cloverfield" this year's "Snakes on a Plane"? All signs point to yes	(485)
	U.S. Intelligence drafting a plan that would allow them to figure out just how many people are Googling "naked philipino lesbians" and who is looking for "peni5 enlar9ment"	(168)
	IAFF rules that a runner with no legs has a clear advantage over someone who does have legs	(184)
(Some Creep)	Drew Peterson, concerned about the fate of the second wife he killed, hires a publicist	(97)
	Shoshone indians want possession of ancestor's graveyard, will suck people through televisions if necessary	(66)
	Iran accuses Bush of drumming up irrational fear of Iran. Fortunately, we all know this isn't true because everyone in Iran is a lying terrorist	(505)
	What the hell is a license really going to do for illegal immigrants? And this costing what?	(461)
(Some Tony Romo)	Dallas-Fort Worth Fark Party: Sunday Jan. 20th in Arlington at Sherlock's Pub	(152)
	Scientists discover that people enjoy wine more if they think it's expensive. Still no cure for merlot	(234)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop the man in the funny hat	(75)
	The kid who threw the wild party with 500 of his closest friends while his parents were gone now has another 18,000 reasons to regret it	(154)
	Annual story on coffee beans harvested from civet feces courtesy of The Baltimore Sun	(59)
	In case the riots and killings in Kenya didn't clarify it for you, a US exit poll shows that the current Kenyan President did not win the election	(72)
(Drew)	Front page auto-refreshing for today only, back to normal tomorrow	(209)
(WLBT Jackson)	Today's "naked guy captured by police" story brought to you today by Jackson, Mississippi. Bonus: Suspect involved in high-speed chase in an SUV that doesn't exactly blend in	(62)
	CNN sets the bar high for investigative slideshows of 2008 with the question: "Do these puppies look like a sleeping polar bear cub?"	(36)
	Police: Sir, you may or may not have been going 10mph over (we're not sure), you won't be ticketed or charged with a crime. But that $69,040 cash looks guilty as hell, let's just assume a crime and seize it	(522)
(Some Guy)	“Forty years and there hasn't been a tornado here. Then we moved here.” Is it good or bad luck when you survive the third tornado strike on your home?	(70)
	Chicago woman upset with loud & drunken nightclub patrons in her neighborhood sets up video camera to capture their antics. Films fights, puking, vandalism, illegal parking, and as luck would have it, a murder	(143)
	Bush stops in Saudi Arabia for talks, asks what "-stan" he's in now	(401)
(Journal-Gazette)	Bars that lost customers to smoking bans have found a new addiction. Bet you can't guess what it is	(698)
	There's just one problem with the stickers that Delaware requires licensed fishermen to affix to their boats -- the stickers quickly disintegrate in salt water	(69)
	As Boston police plan warrantless raids on houses to seize guns, residents are stockpiling spares so they don't get caught unarmed. Who said 11-year olds couldn't make long term plans?	(232)
	Dispute over stolen orange leads to one stabbin', two hammerin's	(37)
	Man inadvertently defenestrates himself while throwing away his Christmas tree from his third story window	(132)
	Britain will have to build two million new homes, or 263 every day for almost 20 years, to cope with immigrants	(147)
	Cops bust group of Pikeys, confiscating $20,000 worth of pot, hydroponic growing equipment, two samurai swords, a firearm, dags	(103)
	Your dog wants steak. Your alligator, on the other hand, wants dog	(56)
(earthtimes.org)	Airport security finds 34 marijuana joints in man's underwear when cop who "frisked him during a routine body check felt something on his buttocks"	(88)
	Photoshop this guy in front of the 150-inch TV	(114)
	Cops fired for allegedly holding country singer at gunpoint over foosball faux pas	(58)
	NY newspaper flies Jessica Simpson look-alike to Dallas, gives her tickets behind the Cowboys bench to "distract them" during playoff game vs. Giants (with pic)	(128)
	"Pulp Fiction" screenwriter Roger Avary arrested for manslaughter after not calling The Wolf soon enough	(140)
(KXII)	Fisherman catches Hummer limo. No word on what bait he was using	(35)
(Some TFette)	Man hides body under his trailer house for seven years, then packs up body to relocate Fark Bonus: Man's name is Gross, and so is his mugshot	(73)
	Bank staff foil armed robbery with the cunning ruse of getting up and walking to another room	(28)
	Author wonders "How does one spend nearly an hour and a half talking to youngsters about various aspects of wind-breaking or gas-passing without uttering the dreaded word that rhymes with cart?" Lectures considered a hoot	(27)
	Average Brit drinks 44,000 pints of beer "before he pops his clogs" - whatever the hell that means	(57)
	A man who believed he had supernatural sexual powers killed his partner's best friend after encouraging her to sleep with him to exorcise her demons. Supernatural? Like glow in the dark nads?	(47)
	A new generation of zombies is arising	(54)
	Toilet costing taxpayers $245,000 raises a stink	(28)
	British yachtsman, seriously injured while sailing solo across Atlantic, calls for help from his local pub back in England	(31)
(9news.com)	Wyoming wiped out by avalanche	(58)
	If you've been selected Secret Santa for a Muslim colleague, it probably isn't a great idea to give him bacon and wine. Especially if you're both police officers	(99)
	Coolest landscape photos made with the contents of a fridge you'll see in the next 22 minutes	(36)
(Photobucket)	Photoshop this uninterested polar bear	(60)
	Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Admiral Mullen recommends closing terrorist detention center at Guantanamo	(362)
	"'The Sun' is on the wane and it can't all be blamed on the internet." The Independent is there	(19)