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Sun January 20, 2008
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Canada denies claim it is dumping ecstasy into US market, but it would like America to give foreign countries more hugs | (15) |
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Stick a forklift in him, he's done | (62) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Photoshop this House | (57) |
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Ocala daycare worker arrested after she sells her cell phone. Why? Because she didn't bother to delete the cell phone video that showed her hitting the kids | (44) |
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Four dead as two private planes collide over Corona, California | (56) |
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Inside the coldest city on earth, and it's not Green Bay | (91) |
| (Some Swimcoach?) |  |
Marco Porno? | (92) |
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Darwin gets two for the price of one when he finds graffiti artists tagging a storm-water drain. During a storm | (57) |
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Today’s substitute teacher pleading guilty to getting it on with five teenage boys brought to you by Nephi, Utah. With "I might keep a paper bag handy" mugshot goodness | (159) |
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Scotland: Kittens adopted by pet rabbit (w/picture & video goodness). Caturday meets Bunnday | (169) |
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Turkmenistan's president Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov ends ban on operas, circuses. In other news, you can use the letters in his name to spell "I banged a gerbil" or "My groin hamburger" | (70) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Get your foil hats out everybody... they're here to collect | (86) |
| (Chronicle Herald) |  |
When walking around world, vodak helps blistered feet | (45) |
| (Some Synapse) | |
Photoshop these neurons | (51) |
| (Brooklyn Paper) | |
The name "Brooklyn" has risen to the 43rd most popular baby name. Staten Island reportedly jealous | (262) |
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Today's crime that sounds dirty but isn't: Police respond to snatch at Legs & Breasts chook shop | (31) |
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Forty-eight disabled people set world record for largest gathering of wheelchair users on ice at one time. Scouts from Maple Leafs, Kings seen with contracts, heading to airport | (40) |
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Unable to wait for The Ocho, ESPN unveils coverage of its latest sport: computer gaming. Says with a straight face that gamers are "creating a new breed of sports hero for the 21st century" | (149) |
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Scotland asks US to lift ban on haggis. You submitted this with some offal pun and felt sheepish (with photo of yummy haggis) | (107) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The top ten discontinued sodas | (511) |
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Penultimate French WWI veteran dies aged 110. He never surrendered | (139) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Hackers retaliate to Scientology's ordered removal of that Tom Cruise video from YouTube by attacking their website; Xenu heard cackling from his underground prison | (536) |
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Todays 30 cats, 40 chickens and turkeys, 100 goats and sheep, a llama, an emu, a pregnant horse, three potbellied pigs and a 600-pound farm pig, brought to you by Lancaster, CA. Your dog wants food and water, | (50) |
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Pakistani authorities arrest 15 year old boy in Bhutto murder investigation. Crime solved, peace descends on region | (30) |
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Rudy Guiliani may have saved New York City on 9/11, but Tom Cruise used his super Scientology powers to detox the rescue workers | (247) |
| (Imageshack not hotlinked) | |
Today's "Lio" pays a small homage to the final "Calvin and Hobbes" strip | (257) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Incredibly bad criminal excuse, times two | (16) |
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There's rich, there's super-rich, and then there's the rest of us | (630) |
| (MaineToday.com) | |
Maine is looking to ban the sale of novelty lighters. But how am I going to light my novelty? | (54) |
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Mean old woman takes her revenge on a small village by giving it £1 million. What a biatch | (33) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this King Arthur wannabe | (48) |
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24-year old man breaks into house of 53-year old woman, who chases him for several blocks. And since she was a marathon runner and a black belt, he gets his mugshot on the Internet | (87) |
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Dolphins invent the wheel, now figuring out how to sink Japanese ships with it | (54) |
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Clown car for hire | (16) |
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There are two things that I can't stand in this world - people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch | (345) |
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Porn star Allie Sin included in this week's TSG mug shot roundup. She's photo #6. Allie's only 22 ... but many people have hit it | (204) |
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"Etiquette is an arcane list of arbitrary and pointless conventions that are laid down as pratfalls for the aspirational, as an amusement for the unlovable" | (81) |
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Jesus held hostage over "weiner poopies" (video) | (24) |
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British youth crime increases by 30%. Prestoopnicks don't viddy having yarbles to stem the old ultraviolence | (79) |
| (WISH TV) | |
Mother busted because her 11-month-old son's blood alcohol level was 0.118 (with mugshot badness) | (66) |
| (Farmhouse Breakfast) | |
The full English breakfast the world knows and loves has been replaced by nancified health pap | (87) |
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News: 7th graders waiting for school bus to arrive taken to hospital. Fark: because they were drunk | (30) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Fast-food customers know Chick-Fil-A is more expensive than other chains, but most of us don't get arrested for pointing that out | (113) |
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I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your soaps frighten and confuse me | (84) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this horse and rider | (52) |
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Suzanne Pleshette has died. It isn't a dream | (162) |
Sat January 19, 2008
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Everything's bigger in Texas, including carbon emissions | (151) |
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Ford pulls "Drive it like you stole it" campaign, as it might encourage theft, erratic driving | (60) |
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AP projects McCain winner in South Carolina | (317) |
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Poodle has to wear hard hat after two life threatening incidents ... with ugly ass picture | (79) |
| (Pittsburgh Channel) | |
Woman hopping mad after her sister beats her with her own prosthetic leg | (41) |
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Army shipping wounded soldiers still undergoing treatment back to Iraq due to troop shortages | (141) |
| (Ars Technica) | |
Photo IDs actually increase crime, identity theft, voter fraud | (60) |
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What are some combinations of items that you'd be embarrassed to be seen buying together at the store, but are completely innocent on their own? For example: a cucumber and baby oil | (656) |
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Man celebrates his forty-fourth birthday after walking 660 miles to South Pole | (52) |
| (Some Guy with Singles) | |
Just as you don't pick up milk and eggs at the strip club, it's pretty unusual to encounter a woman stripping naked at the local supermarket | (84) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this free faller | (91) |
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Reminder: Minnesota Fark party tonight at Nye's Polonaise. Seek shelter from the bone-numbing cold by getting comfortably numb with Farkers and Farkettes | (90) |
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The new Ford pickups: Built Cartel Tough | (78) |
| (Tuscon Citizen) |  |
Not news: State upset about Mexicans flooding in seeking work. News: It's the Mexican state of Sonora | (113) |
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Rebel violence triggers surge of Thai fighters | (89) |
| (Some Guy) | |
"Oh snap, she stabbed me" | (77) |
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Hillary takes Nevada, all eyes turn now to South Carolina to see if Obama can maintain a two-person race | (949) |
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A macaque is a really good general purpose sort of monkey | (59) |
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Leave no red rose as a token, of that lie thy soul hath spoken/ Leave my loneliness unbroken/ Leave the cognac above my door/ Quoth the stranger, "Evermore" | (67) |
| (News Tribune) |  |
Welcome home for two inmates who escaped in "Shawshank Redemption" style plot. What say there, fussy-britches. Feel like talkin'? | (61) |
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Romney takes Nevada, Ron Paul comes in second... which isn't as earth-shattering as it sounds since they were the only two actively running there | (825) |
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The master criminals who harassed a manatee and posted a video of it on MySpace will have to spend up to a month each in federal prison. And issue an apology on MySpace | (118) |
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Clowns say that survey finding them scary to children is NOT true, and that the little buggers better agree with them if they know what's good for 'em | (114) |
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Boy, 16, enjoys champagne, hostesses and then some | (113) |
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Author travels the world seeking out the "happiest places on Earth." Difficulty: he's an admitted grump and NPR correspondent, which is basically redundant | (101) |
| (The La Crosse Tribune) | |
Actual news site poll: What is your favorite number between 0 and 20? (In "The Buzz" section on the main page) | (203) |
| (Lakeland Ledger) | |
Police called to scene of dispute. Woman gesturing to police officer inadvertently bumps police officer's shirt pocket. Gesture inadvertently releases police dog. Police dog advertently attacks teenage girl | (154) |
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Judge allows the City of Chicago to oversee their own efforts to clean up their notoriously corrupt hiring practices. In other news, Mr. Fox has become head of security at the henhouse and Michael Jackson has opened a daycare center | (43) |
| (WLTX.com) | |
Insurance rejects transplant patient who needs $3200 a month for anti-rejection medication. Ironic tag succumbs to Obvious tag | (285) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this serious owl. Srsly | (120) |
| (KPTM.com) |  |
Identical twin earns perfect score on ACT | (142) |
| (KPTM.com) | |
Identical twin earns perfect score on ACT | (46) |
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UK Health & Safety Executive forces local drama group to lock up their wood and plastic swords, register toy gun with police. Thanks, we all feel much safer now | (112) |
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Crown Princess Mary training with Danish National Guard, still hitable | (125) |
| (Kingston Daily Freeman) |  |
Today's "old man on the roof stealing phone service for his camp in the woods" story is brought to you by Accord, New York | (18) |
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Red-bellied cooter threatens casino project | (50) |
| (Some Guy) | |
11-year-old booked with armed robbery for stealing cheesy bread and buffalo wings | (43) |
| (Some Guy) | |
"She was screaming, 'We're going to Egypt, we're going to Egypt' while she was trying to strangle my mother-in-law to death" | (64) |
| (Lincolnshire Echo) | |
If a man breaks into your home demands £15,000, you better give it to him. Unless he's willing to settle for some chives, instead | (19) |
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Bake the pizza guaranteed to offend everybody: with beef, foi gras, calves' liver, nuts, and whale bacon. Mmmm whale bacon | (79) |
| (Sioux City Journal) |  |
Stray cat outside car dealership brought in just in time to have kittens (w/video) | (513) |
| (Some "Boy") | |
Daughter of cult leader, arrested for posing as teen boys and girls while skipping around Europe, may be able to shed light on abusive Czech "stepmom" who tied her young son up in a closet naked. Whole lot of crazy going on | (38) |
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Locksmith thrown into jail after cops find his fingerprints on lock he installed earlier, and then ingeniously connect him to the crime | (72) |
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Group of middle-aged "rioting yobs" chop down a telephone pole to put on a bonfire, then attack police when they try to stop them. With mugshots, for anyone wondering what rioting yobs look like | (49) |
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Scotland's "Naked Rambler" released after 20 months in prison. Celebrates by taking off all his clothes and getting arrested again. Six steps from the courtroom | (56) |
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Moose are moving into Utah neighborhoods. Flying squirrels soon to follow | (31) |
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Turns out the plane that landed at Heathrow without any power was landed by the co-pilot, who's name is Coward | (78) |
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Alfred the blind harbor seal makes his L.A. Zoo debut, works on his "Marco Polo" skills | (11) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this boy and his robot | (108) |
| (The Pittsburgh Channel) | |
Rain, snow, sleet, dark of night may not stop mail, but video slots and poker at Mini Mart will | (9) |
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Cops arrest and handcuff little old lady banned from church because she didn't like the pastor | (82) |
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British soldiers selling their high-powered assault weapons so they can buy spotted dick, booze | (140) |
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On this sad day in history in 1973, England lost a war against Iceland over cod, even after launching an unarmed "supertug" that did even less than David Beckham in the average L.A. Galaxy game | (37) |
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Price of a pint of beer in England could double to £4 within the year. American Armored Wankball fans used to paying $9 for a half-cup of foam with some Bud Light splashing around the bottom sneer | (128) |
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Clooney named U.N. messenger of peace, sends strongly worded letter to Fabio threatening sanctions | (38) |
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No one expects the Spanish demolition | (40) |
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The goggles finally do something: Ric Romero gives you an onion-proof view | (66) |
| (Edmonton Sun) | |
Cops search for stolen dog that happens to have just one testicle. "The fact that there’s only one hanging will help identify this dog," a police spokesman said | (30) |
Fri January 18, 2008
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Man breaks into the same house twice to steal underpants. Dude, she's 14 | (92) |
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Kansas City mayor suggests letting people with criminal records become cops to increase the number of minorities on the police force. What could possibly go wrong? | (143) |
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Feds recommend killing 30 sea lions a year at Columbia River dam to protect salmon, buckets | (106) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Nigerian e-mail scam recipient convinces scammer and friends to hand write Harry Potter for $100 per page as part of the Advanced Handwriting Recognition and Graphology project. Scamilarity ensues | (280) |
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If you've stumbled upon a 9 mm fully automatic MP5 submachine gun, the Wayne, N.J. police department would like a word with you | (122) |
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World's worst wax sculptures go up for sale. With pics that will haunt your dreams | (79) |
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Olympic-sized swimming pool worth $500,000 stolen. In other news, it's apparently possible to steal a swimming pool | (49) |
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High School invites noted homophobe and anti-civil rights activist to speak at MLK assembly. What could possibly go wrong? | (218) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this business school lobby | (48) |
| (Winona Daily News) |  |
Bottomless beer cups, ladies-drink-for-free specials and alcohol atomizers may soon be a thing of the past in Minnesota | (77) |
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Latex has been banned at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Well, there goes that fantasy | (59) |
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Associated Press answers questions from readers for first time. Proving readers are morans, questions include "Whatever happened to Baghdad Bob?" and "What does college football eligibility have to do with the price of oil?" | (28) |
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Ancient burial mask returned to ghost village. Descendents of the man who originally took the mask claim they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids | (10) |
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Man pleads guilty to smuggling monkeys (that's plural) in his trousers. No word if man was wearing yellow hat | (28) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Bust me once for smoking pot? Shame on me. Bust me twice in two hours for smoking pot? Wait? Pizza? Mmmm pizza | (53) |
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150 years ago this month, the first woman ever filed for divorce. When you see the pic, your only question will be why the husband didn't think of it sooner | (64) |
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Trooper accused of overlooking possible drug charge in exchange for sexual favor from porn-actress gets off easy | (86) |
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Judge gets angry because there was no courtroom available, dismissed 220 traffic tickets | (55) |
| (WLBZ.com) |  |
Firefighters fight fire at egg farm. It was over easy but just left a shell. Investigators are hoping to crack this case soon | (49) |
| (Marine Corps Times) | |
Westboro Baptist Church to picket Camp Lejeune tomorrow because recent murder of pregnant Marine was "typical Marines." | (257) |
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GM says new fuel requirements will add $6000 to the prices of their cars. Toyota engineers point and laugh | (500) |
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Real estate investors scammed into buying $300,000 parking spaces. They are premium spots, though | (26) |
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Today's incoherent headline award goes to: "Buffalo disease, Naples trash sour mozzarella sales." Somebody set us up the bomb | (44) |
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After a two-week inquiry, the FBI concludes a toy monkey was not hanged as a symbol of hate but was merely hung out to dry, much like the taxpayers that paid for the investigation | (74) |
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Shotgun-toting man arrested near US Capitol. EVERYBODY PANIC | (72) |
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Transgender female sues hospital for breast augmentation refus ... OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE | (259) |
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Slow news day? Bored editor? Maybe. Here's a report on something that's not happening | (61) |
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Mother of the Year candidate who let 8-year-old daughter sleep over with a nudist admits the peeing incidents are "weird" but that it was not hurting anyone and she knows other people who drink urine | (195) |
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Nevadans feel a certain level of harassment when outsiders mispronounce the state's name, irregardless of whether it's on purpose or not | (290) |
| (kare11.com) | |
Blowing up a dump truck in your yard may attract some unwanted attention | (54) |
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Restaurant owner challenges county executive to boxing match in effort to overturn recently implemented alcohol tax | (39) |
| (WYFF4.com) | |
Man fends off snowballs with a machete and shotgun | (56) |
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Plastic grocery bags are not the environmental tools of the devil, although they do lead to crappy movies about suburban ennui featuring a dead narrator | (114) |
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In order to keep up with high demand for his free mustache rides, scientist clones himself (with pic of sweet mustache) | (113) |
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Today's shut down brothel brought to you by Clearwater, FL (with mug shots) | (385) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Police officer alters arrest forms to read "State of Your Momma" as prank. Fark: DA actually files charges using form | (94) |
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Illinois smoking ban turns out not to be the end of civilization as we know it | (298) |
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Scary … a woman hides in her closet from intruders. Scarier … one of them joins her to hide from police | (45) |
| (Some +1 Guy) | |
Mace used at crowded party. Not the kind of mace you are thinking of. FLAIL | (194) |
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Nepali linguists have come across an 82-year-old woman who they believe is the last speaker of the Dura language, and hope to record the language before she dies. Unfortunately all she keeps saying is "I want the knife" | (157) |
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NASA attempting to create MMORPG. Trying to get funding, but another group is camping 'The Budgeting Director' a rare, named spawn | (91) |
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Ugly bank customers in Florida exposed. No more hats, sunglasses or hoodies allowed | (80) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Panhandler begging for money busted with $3,426.78 cash in his pockets | (275) |
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McDonald's program that gives free Happy Meals to students who get good grades is canceled because one parent doesn't want her precious snowflake to eat fast food | (478) |
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"Clinton countered that being a womany woman is better than being a blacky black" | (70) |
| (Metro) | |
Does Hallmark do a "sorry we accidentally fired a missile into your house" card? Because the Russian military could use one | (48) |
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As lawmakers try to ban 'truck nutz' - residents of one state getting are particularly upset. With video of trucks with balls | (174) |
| (some uninked farker) | |
Getting inked by the door-to-door tattoo salesman with his homemade tattoo gun seemed like a great idea. Until the tattoo-ee passed out and had to be hospitalized | (67) |
| (Some Guy) | |
10 things you didn't know you could buy from Amazon. Super saver shipping on gay attraction mist | (101) |
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Couple dies in a car accident after 57 years together. Leave $1.6 million to 70 of their friends | (51) |
| (Some Kiwi) | |
New Zealand potato sorter lucky to be alive after harvester nicks him in the spuds | (21) |
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Nudists charged in sexual assault of 12,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 boys | (167) |
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Caption our happy First Lady | (114) |
| (Some Guy) | |
News websites not a prime destination for the current generation of web-surfing pretards as they say finding out what is happening in the world is "stressful" | (90) |
| (Energy Fiend) | |
1 Starbucks Venti White Mocha: 4.75, Add 11 shots: $6.05, Add Vanilla: $0.30, Add Hazelnut: $0.30, Add Cinnamon: $0.30, Add Soy: $0.40, Add Mocha: $.30, Add Caramel: $0.30. Total: $12.70. Free coupon for any drink: Priceless | (170) |
| (Zug.com) | |
Zug.com is having a $500 Photoshop contest for the funniest ad created for a male enhancement supplement. Finally, all the time you waste on these things can pay off. Penis | (75) |
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Army Surgeon General's task force calls for comprehensive study of how to detect and treat traumatic brain injuries in soldiers. Also advocate slamming that barn door shut now that the horses have escaped | (45) |
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Teacher on Internet cheating - "I had one cut and paste that was so blatant that the text still had web page adverts in it" | (280) |
| (WLBZ.com) | |
A woman fired from a job in one town office for gossip has been named Employee of the Year in another. But you didn't hear that from me | (40) |
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Mother of the Year candidate leaves daughter home alone -- for six weeks -- to go on holiday. "She had, in her mind, made arrangements for the father to look after her" | (122) |
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Your lifelong dream of wearing French President Francois Mitterrand's clothes is about to become a reality | (19) |
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Naval Academy Midshipmen no longer allowed to lube up giant pole and climb on top of it | (174) |
| (The Local) | |
"Workman's skirt" sweeps Swedish building sites. Quick access to toolbox a major advantage | (143) |
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♫ Oh,oobee doo / I wanna be like you / I wanna sue like you / Press walk like you, too / File meritless petitions too / An ape like me / Can learn to be litigious too ♪ | (42) |
| (Lost And Found) |