Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-12-30 23:59:59'

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Sun December 30, 2007

(Munster Times)	Munster, Ind. paper looks back at its year of Not News. And it's not bad, from the town clerk accused of embezzling to feed her knitting addiction to the nervous bank robber who could say nothing but 'Thank you, come again'	(41)
	Quebec man sells snowbank on eBay for $3,550. Eskimo who bought it now says he feels ripped off	(42)
	Bhutto's teenaged son to succeed her as party leader; fortunately we would never be so silly in the U.S. as to select an inexperienced person to fill an important government position just because he is the former leader's son	(305)
(Some guy in need of support)	Times Square ball to turn 100, which explains why it hangs so low	(50)
	Police arrest suspect in rash of Christmas, lawn decoration thefts. It turns out he had cleverly hidden them in his own front yard, no word yet on Drew's gnome. [w/video report]	(22)
(Some Guy)	If you have a problem falling asleep on the job, maybe you're just not cut out to be a burglar	(20)
	Europe cancels massive New Years fireworks display over terrorist threat, despite the fact that could make it the most awesome fireworks show evar	(42)
	Lost diamond ring turns up in packed fudge	(52)
	Latest Western job to be outsourced to India: pregnancy	(75)
(Some Biker Guy)	Photoshop this easy rider	(85)
(Bozeman Comical)	Skiers activate their rescue beacon as darkness falls, are located hours later by six sheriff's deputies, 22 volunteers and an ambulance crew who courageously rescue them from their hotel room	(99)
(Turnto23)	Teacher arrested after asking two students if he could trace an outline of his penis for them. Kicker: He's charged with being annoying	(71)
(Some Prophet)	Religious pilgrims trying to reach Egypt get stranded at the Red Sea, fear capture by Israel. It'll take a miracle to save them	(49)
(Some Guy)	When cats design websites	(154)
	Chauffeur busted after drag racing at over twice the speed limit...with the newlyweds in the back seat	(31)
(Some Guy)	The 10 best rollercoasters on Earth	(170)
	San Francisco man keeps 100% of his 2007 garbage. Now wants to donate it to an artist, because you know, where else could they find garbage?	(58)
(Palm Beach Post)	20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter swarm shopping mall. Entire family arrested. Was someone: A) Terrorizing shoppers B) Robbing merchants or C) Wearing low pants? And if you look at the tag for a hint you’re cheating	(457)
	If you own an airplane you may have to pay sales tax on the plane in every state you fly through	(125)
	Not news: attempted robbery foiled. News: robber tried to use taxi as getaway vehicle, opened door into oncoming streetcar. Fark: robber charged with theft, opening a door into traffic	(7)
(NY Daily News)	Here's the train. Got the luggage? Yes. Got your backpack? Yes. Got your book? Yes [bing bong - watch the closing doors]. Got the baby? Oops	(37)
	Don't buy enough booze at the bar? That's a beating, a frog-march to an ATM, and then an arrest. And I thought the girls at Starbucks who didn't get a tip were rough	(160)
(volunteertv)	Customer who was shot at Hooters has died, assistant manager still in critical condition. Suspect still at large, and we're looking at you, Mr. Edge from U2 (see police sketch)	(66)
	Three women with three un-belted toddlers in an SUV thought it would be fun to do some drinking and off road 'mud-bogging' at 70 mph. What could possibly go wrong?	(136)
(NY Daily News)	When stealing a GPS unit, deactivate the "home" address	(45)
	And you thought your legal problems were bad: Attorney goes on the lamb with her policeman husband after spending tens of thousands of clients' money	(126)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this snack exchange	(64)
(Some Guy)	Small-town newspaper discovers something about online readers after several months: They like to read stories about weird news and dumb criminals	(26)
	Time travel is real, and it's available on eBay. Yes, it's $10 million, but you have 90 days to pay it. And if it works, you have a whole lot longer than that	(358)
	College tuition may be more than a lot of people can afford, but that doesn't mean you should commit armed robbery to pay for it	(38)
	Sure, the robber may have left a note saying "Sorry wrong house" but he still kept the things he stole	(22)
(2008 is the year)	So what do you wanna accomplish in 2008?	(576)
	SeaWorld extends free admission offer to active-duty troops and their families. Hero tag goes to the troops	(76)
	The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that could be used at home	(135)
(Adn.com)	Ever wonder what the 7 wonders of Alaska are? Well, here you go	(77)
	Old and busted: suing file sharers. New hotness: suing legitimate customers for ripping a CD	(332)
(On Dancer, On Prancer)	Photoshop a dance partner for this young lady	(62)
	Rolls Royce reveal some of their strangest customer requests, including a footbath to prepare for prayer and an elongated footwell to allow space for prostrate servants	(76)
	If you have ever suffered from Anorexia Nervosa there's now a slim chance you can blame your mother	(61)
	Cruise ship rams glacier in Antarctic; captain immediately orders free drinks for everyone on board. Now that's leadership	(73)
	Cindy Sheehan may hijack the Rose Bowl Parade	(273)

Sat December 29, 2007

(Some Gourmand)	Worst food trends of 2007, courtesy of Epicurious	(283)
	The 2007 Texan of the Year? The illegal immigrant. There's another job taken	(117)
	Three dogs inherit $800K estate. Your dog is jealous, wants Filet Mignon now	(31)
	Dare to question why a cop is harassing you over a flicked cigarette? That's a christmas dinner with Bubba	(308)
	In an effort to bridge cultural divides and promote understanding and tolerance, Malaysian government passes a law saying only Muslims can use the word "Allah"	(138)
	Man calls police to report that someone stole his pot and his Playstation. Common sense unavailable for comment	(39)
	Failing at abstinence-only, female elk in national park will go on birth control, which will surely turn them into sluts	(37)
	Man wants dog in bathroom while he showers with his girlfriend. Girlfriend disagrees. Man calls woman a name, woman punches man in face repeatedly, and it all ends up in a naked fight	(91)
	Topless woman in a park flirts with man then asks to see his penis. In related news, Penthouse Forum publishes its first arrest report	(276)
(Some Jingle Bell)	Photoshop these sleigh bells	(91)
	Oh, the "S" goes at the END of the restaurant's name	(162)
(Lohud.com)	Having rid New York state of crime, corruption, high taxes, pollution, traffic, potholes, cockroaches, rats, silverfish, illegal immigrants and Hamptons asshats, state assemblywoman declares war on loud movie theatres	(62)
	The story a battered old pair of brown shoes can tell: a 200-mile escape over ice and snow, pursued by 900 Nazi soldiers	(77)
	Grumpy old man leaves waitress $50k. She must have stayed off of his lawn	(44)
	Clever immigrant smugglers discover real passenger capacities of vehicles (w/pics)	(74)
	New Osama bin Laden tape just released. His old stuff was way better, but that was before he lost his original bassist and drummer	(214)
(The Herald Dispatch)	WV city is littered with broken-down UFOs	(47)
(HeraldNet)	Man blames car accident on pterodactyl attack. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal	(124)
(Salisbury Journal)	American submitter has no idea what is going on in this story but is pretty sure somebody should have been locked up years ago	(76)
(Some Guy)	Man dressed as Santa kidnaps boss. Cousin Eddie unimpressed	(40)
(WIBW)	Pizza delivery driver fatally shoots would-be robber. Uncle Enzo reportedly impressed	(187)
	Not news: man stopped for DUI. News: Man is tasered. Fark: for biting himself	(47)
	Japanese inmates complain about pajamas and room service. Obviously they've never slept in a Days Inn	(40)
(Some Guy)	Just in case you missed that story about the Norwegian military promoting a penguin to Colonel in Chief of the Royal Norwegian Guard, here it is	(31)
(Free Lance-Star)	Couple busted after woman reports bag of cash stolen from convenience store. Cops find boyfriend on tape walking out with money bag, and the $14,000 at her house	(13)
(KTSM TV)	Tattoo artist and customer injured when the gun they were using as a model shot them both	(72)
(AL.com)	When visiting the police station to check on confiscated money, don't arrive in a stolen car...with a small bag of pot plainly visible on the car's center console...and a gun plus another half-pound of smelly skunk bud under the seat	(32)
	US troops clear out insurgents, build new base, start training Marines and Firebats in preparation for next Zerg rush	(147)
(WPRI Eyewitness News)	Burglary suspect gives cops fake address when arrested; later gets robbed and gives cops his real address. Oops	(16)
	Starting your own business? Be sure to leave enough room in your budget to bribe your local Congressman	(71)
	Photoshop Grover	(75)
(wnd.com)	Botanists abandon research near USA-Mexico border to avoid drug smugglers. 'I got kind of allergic to pistols being held to my forehead'	(131)
	Pakistanis identify Bhutto assassin, plan to chase him ineffectually for several years while invading some random country and burning down their Constitution	(199)
	Christmas Eve robbery masterminded by a nine-year-old. Bonus: the accomplice was five years old	(32)
(Some Guy)	Drinking called "Scotland's national sport", narrowly edging out hurling, which is traditionally relegated to post-match celebrations	(42)
	High fat/high sugar diets found to be more harmful to obese people. In other news, crackheads should stay away from crack	(46)
(Some Guy)	Reporter in Fark's favorite state sends out call to get better looking hookers	(52)
	Hottie nurse saves life of choking kitten by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I can has yur phone number? (With pic)	(469)
	Family outraged when dead man is upgraded to "mostly dead"	(73)
	Fighter pilot dressed as sheep goes down in flames	(28)
	Officer who captured runaway kangaroo puts the animal in his family's Christmas card photo (w/ pic)	(26)
	Wichita Police will conduct field sobriety and breath alcohol tests Monday on a group of volunteer drinkers to show the effects of alcohol on drivers. Mapquest servers crash due to Farkers printing driving directions to Wichita	(44)
	Number of parking tickets issued in Britain soars 400 per cent in just five years. It's not about the money, it's about the safety	(42)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Civil War mortar crew	(67)
	Survey finds two-thirds of people keep their ex-SO's number on their cell phone "just in case"	(91)
	Telegraph's predictions of 2008's big stories: "June: Based on its real-world GDP, Second Life is admitted to the G8, displacing Canada. The virtual world sends a purple woman with improbably large breasts to the summit"	(35)
	Monkey stashed in plane passenger's hat dies. Authorities did not immediately confirm whether it was a man's big yellow hat	(39)
	If you plan to set up shop installing snow-chains on the side of a highway, make sure it is actually snowing... and that you're not smoking pot in your car when the cops drop by to give you the weather report	(37)
(wbtv.com)	74-Year-Old Man Jailed For Shoplifting $3 Sirloin. Forgot to use the "I'm an old man. I'm confused I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?" defense	(57)
(Some Guy)	Intoxicated female flasher brightens the night for San Carlos Park, FL police (Mug Shot Hottie Alert)	(140)
	Regardless of the topic, "this New Year's Eve, steer clear of Wyoming"	(48)
	A handy list of new words and phrases that nonebrity turdbirds like you are going to need to know in 2008	(83)
	You've just been arrest for your 13th DUI, what do you do? A) Cooperate with police. B) Try to explain yourself. C) Strip. (video included)	(39)
	Newsweek asks the hard-hitting questions about why a tiger would want to eat your face off after you jack around and dangle your tasty legs into an enclosure that has really low walls	(93)

Fri December 28, 2007

(Some Thumper)	If your child's substitute teacher has blue hair and a nose piercing, she's probably a witch. Or a duck	(155)
(Some cannibals)	Catholic Spin 101: Transferring a Priest who has been molesting mentally retarded dishwasher to an all boys school, not telling the school about his record, is a "breakdown in communication"	(86)
(Some Fleabag)	Today's story of 237 Pomeranians in one house courtesy of Corpus Christi, Texas	(54)
	Bill Maher counts down his picks for the 13 biggest dickheads of the year. Obvious tag for #12	(633)
	China's government assures loyal citizens that air quality in Beijing is improving. Scary pic says otherwise	(135)
(ksal.com)	Kansas farmers are delighted with wheat prices hovering around $9 a bushel. The only problem is now they have to deal with thieves in search of GRRAAAIIIINNNSSS	(56)
(Some Guy)	Government orders daycare workers to resist their "natural instinct" to stop boys from using pretend weapons such as guns or light sabres in games with other toddlers	(147)
	Six-year-old writes heartbreaking essay about her dad dying in Iraq to win Hannah Montana tickets. It would be pretty sad if her dad had actually died	(172)
	Pakistan crisis won't interrupt Bush's month-long vacation. What, you expected him to rush back to Washington just because a nuclear power is on the verge of civil war?	(301)
(Some Blech)	Jörg Blech examines the mystery of why some people practice geophagy, the habit of eating dirt. Jörg Blech? Come on, you guys have got to be making this stuff up	(40)
	Canadian anthropology professor's research shows women think online dating is much like the same old bar scene and men frequently misrepresent their looks, interests, and marital status	(159)
(Some Frog)	Smoking ban hits French cafe culture. Berets, thin moustaches, striped shirts, and existential angst next on the list	(108)
	Reminder: Phoenix Fark party tonight at the George and Dragon. LGT prevous thread	(59)
	News: Reader's Digest gives each of its staffers a holiday cash bonus with the requirement that they use it to help others. Fark: The bonus was $5	(121)
	Pope declares war on Satan. Santa thanks FSM that the Pope isn't dyslexic	(197)
(NBC4)	News: FAA restricts rechargeable batteries on flights. Fark: Because they can't figure out how to extinguish fires in non-rechargeable batteries	(133)
(Lohud.com)	Police officer's three-year-old daughter can eat only one thing -- a doctor-prescribed formula. What does the insurance company do? A) Gleefully refuse coverage, B) Cackle as they swim in their giant pool of fifties and hundreds, or C) Both	(525)
	You win if you picked today for the "Atlantis launch to be delayed again" pool in your cube farm	(16)
	Al Qaeda in all kinds of trouble because they think it's okay to have killed Benazir Bhutto	(173)
(Some Shadow Puppet)	Photoshop this shadow	(77)
	Child-slapping babysitter being charged with cruelty to children, Submitter’s eyes	(95)
	"31 Ways to Meet a Quality Man," featuring 31 ways that don't work, each one occupying its own little URL of failure	(314)
(WDSU)	Devil cast out from town's phones. And no, we're not talking about AT&T	(65)
	Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 4: October through December (details in thread)	(173)
	FDA regulators get a gold star for identifying over 14,000 pounds of E. coli tainted meat. However, they may need to beef their security after the truck it was in was stolen	(34)
(Some Nerd)	Netscape Navigator dies quiet death	(303)
	Insurance companies don't like the new "Toyotathon Phenomenon" ads, correctly believing that there are enough dumbasses out there who will be inspired by ads to commit fraud	(80)
	82-year-old woman sues bank when they won't cash a 22-year-old check worth $20,000	(258)
	The curvaceous Mazda Furai concept is pure automotive sex	(137)
(Some Beer Drinkin' Guy)	So, has anyone seen Drew lately?	(71)
(KTVU San Francisco)	American diagnosed while overseas as infected with drug-resistant TB, takes crowded commercial flight back to the US. No, not that guy, a new one	(83)
	Microchips in your license? They're coming. Get out your tinfoil wallet	(171)
	Fast-food drive-through employee steals customers' debit card numbers, goes on shopping spree. In court, she pleaded "ngrrrt grreaphfy, yurff honnftr"	(81)
	Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 3: July through September (details in thread)	(137)
	Tiger victim was trying to protect his friend from mauling, only to be mauled himself. What fearful symmetry	(401)
	Buford Pusser Award: Small-town residents join low-speed police chase, but most get bored after 30 minutes in the parade. One steps up, crashes into suspect's car	(36)
	Would you wait in line three hours to eat at The Cheesecake Factory? "I could drive to New York and get a fish sandwich in that time."	(375)
(Some Zookeeper)	SF Zoo homepage has been updated to include a message of condolence for tiger victims. Maybe while they were in there, they should have changed their mission statement (on right of page)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Man's attempt to elude police by wearing a wig fails spectacularly. Is there a pic? Oh you betcha	(59)
	A man has been hospitalized after he fell into a cement mixer. Police say there is no concrete evidence of foul play	(55)
(The Daily Gazette)	Caption this totally not cute squirrel and its pumpkin	(65)
	Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 2: April through June (details in thread)	(95)
	Teacher attacks student for telling him he looks like Simon Cowell, ensuring that the whole world discovers that he does in fact, look like Simon Cowell (with pic)	(91)
	If you're growing pot in your basement, don't let your wife do mushrooms in your home and whatever you do, don't come to the door unless you're wearing pants	(44)
(Some Guy)	2007: The year fashion went EXTREEEEME. (Includes picture of model wearing $159,000 C-3PO legs)	(85)
(The Times Record News)	Man breaks into a home and wakes the owners. He runs from the house, gets in his car and crashes into a snowbank at the end of the driveway. Five minutes later he knocks on their door and ask if he can come in because he was cold	(22)
(KCTV)	Parents hire lawyer after their precious little snowflake finds her new mp3 player filled with porn	(161)
(Pensacola News Journal)	SWAT team called to deal with exploding squirrel	(33)
	Actual Headline: "Antarctic base staff evacuated after drunken Christmas brawl"	(49)
	Connecticut to do for high school what the University of Phoenix did for college	(41)
	Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 1: January through March (details in thread)	(109)
	Man acquitted of "assault by handshake" now suing. Can't we all just shake hands and... oh, guess not	(14)
(Some Guy)	Five women with whom your girlfriend would agree to have a threesome	(654)
(Some Guy)	The nerdiest bike you'll see today	(92)
	Woman, 34, marries foster son she and her husband adopted from Kosovo seven years ago. Are the Mother of the Year nominations closed? (With pic)	(149)
	Hello Kitty makers seek to expand market by introducing line aimed at guys. "We think Hello Kitty is accepted by young men as a design statement in fashion"	(116)
(Some guy going 'ha-ha!')	Kid gets car for Christmas, takes it to the beach days later, promptly learns two important lessons: 1) It's pretty easy to get a car stuck in sand. 2) The tide comes in pretty fast	(135)
	Knocking a drink from my hand? Well, that's just a trip through the window for you, isn't it?	(55)
	News: Man vows to live on roof of bar until Ravens win a game. Fark: Thanks to all the news coverage, police know just where to arrest this man on his outstanding warrant	(38)
	Now playing in a Manhattan courthouse: "Star Trek 12: The Wrath of the Bogus Trek Memorabilia Buyer"	(95)
	Not news: Student seeks Mustache Institute help to combat facial hair policy. News: There is a Mustache Institute	(122)
(Tribune Review)	When reporting car stolen, it's best not to push it over a cliff and try to recover insurance money for car and items removed from car later sold on eBay	(45)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this "lady of the woods" into a more modern setting	(65)
	The latest wheeze in the Nanny State: Children must be given "unlimited time" to do standardised tests, to avoid stressing the precious little flowers unduly	(154)
	Majority of Brits would rather see Prince William as their king than anyone else, tell Prince Charles to get out of town, along with the horse he rode in on	(116)
	Normally, when the propeller falls off of your single engine airplane over the Rocky Mountains, things don't end well. Then there's this guy	(181)
(Some Guy)	Postal workers who volunteer for Christmas duty say they get a special joy out of it. Cough time and a half cough	(42)
	Three-pound Chihuahua mix named "Tink" helps to nab fugitive	(24)
	If you can't trust the people telling you God wants you to be a millionaire, who can you trust?	(123)
	News: Man solicits child for illegal sex act. Fark: While wearing a sundress, high heels and a black wig. Guess which state	(43)
	Today's burglar stuck in a chimney like a "grub in a cocoon" brought to you by Alice Springs, Australia	(27)
	New Year's resolutions differ between men and women. Boiled down, it's that men resolve to change some aspect of their life while women resolve to change all aspects of their man's	(36)
	If you're going to steal inventory from your company, don't then try to sell it on eBay. Or you can be like this idiot. Your call	(25)
	"Market for doorknobs slowly losing its grip. Levers expected to gain upper hand one day"	(85)
(Some Guy)	You drop a letter in a USPS mailbox and then regret it. Do you: A) Stick your arm down the slot? B) Contact the post office and ask them to retrieve it? C) Unbolt it from its concrete pad and drag it down the street?	(38)
(Law.com)	Prosecution unlikely over doctor's photo of patient's penis tattoo, he'll just have to go through life being known as the penis picture physician	(50)
	Man moves girlfriend, her kids from Ohio to Florida as part of homemade "Witness Protection Program." Then things got weird	(32)
	Dr. Phil thinks Lynne Spears is a great and dedicated mother	(164)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this tall glass of cool water	(61)
(L.A. Daily News)	You know that "secret" email account you have for your "adult content"... it's not so "secret" anymore as the Adult-Entertainment Industry gets its servers' backdoor violated	(77)

Thu December 27, 2007

	New dollar coins unveiled featuring Larry Fine from the Three Stooges	(110)
	Reporter confronts man, asks why he broke into 61-year-old neighbor's house to steal her underwear. Answer: "I was stoned and stupid"	(74)
	Thieves steal, destroy pair of 6-foot-tall, 100-pound nutcrackers. Suite	(49)
(WOODTV)	One more case to consider in your Father of the Year voting: Man decides he's too drunk to drive so he makes his 9 year-old drive instead	(41)
	Old and busted: Manbearpig. New hotness: Sheep-pig, back from extinction	(68)
	Spiderman, Spiderman sending strongly worded letters to his enemies, Spiderman LOOK OUT here comes the Spiderman	(92)
	State symbol turns on its maker, as Idaho spuds cause firehouse blaze. Irony tag sobs with delight	(45)
	Headline: "Mall gunman admitted he was Satanic." Article: Not one mention of Satan or anything about Satanism	(207)
(CCSU)	Study names Minneapolis 2007's "Most Literate City." Nerds	(147)
	Nine out of ten New Year's resolutions will fail, according to psychologists at the Institute for Pulling Numbers Out of Our Asses	(113)
(iht.com)	Woman charged with domestic battery gets battery on police officer charge added after wiping her nose on officer's uniform. "Sometimes you need a police officer; sometimes you need a tissue. Confuse the two, and it could cost you"	(78)
	Remember the GPS installed in the baby Jesuses to track the thieves stealing 'em? Got one	(149)
(Some Guy)	Avoid holiday booze blunders: 1) Don't buy cheap booze, 2) Don't spill the booze, 3)... Wait, that's not what they mean?	(178)
(Some Kleptomaniac)	News: Grocery store employee on break fired for stopping and detaining shoplifter. Fark: Store manager goes to scene and orders employee to release shoplifter	(320)
(WTVT)	Man spends hours partying, watching strippers at all-nude gentlemen club, then passes away in private "Champagne Room." Can anyone think of more perfect way to die?	(153)
(one really bored federal inmate)	Happy birthday to the greatest frivolous lawsuit writer in America: Mr. Jonathan Lee Riches©	(123)
	If the Nanny State has its way, you'll never be able to tell boys to "man up" again	(133)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop a Fark Rose Bowl parade float (LGT examples)	(419)
(NY Times)	List of notable people who died in 2007. Included is Richard Jewell, "hero of Atlanta Olympic bombing." Appropriate, but sadly too late, media	(125)
	Woman reports being attacked by seven-foot-tall suspect, covered in white fur. Claimed to have kicked him in groin, Yeti kept on going	(64)
(Pew Research)	Eighty-one percent of Republicans are satisfied with the way things are going for them financially, while only 54 percent of Democrats and Independents are. Suck it, broke-ass liberals	(379)
	Today's magic number: .55. If you don't know the rest, you're on the wrong site	(182)
	County sheriff reprimands two employees for committing adultery. Public stoning scheduled for tomorrow at 0700	(107)
	Today's ridiculous media fear-mongering article: "How safe is the food in your fridge?"	(127)
	Energy analysts predict Americans will pay $3.75-$4.00 for a gallon of gas by Spring. Happy new year	(293)
	San Francisco tiger attack upgraded to "Darwin Award" as kitty was taunted, had help escaping. Bloody shoe found inside enclosure provides clue. Catuday safe again	(621)
	Allentown asshat receives "electronic tar and feathering" for suing eight-year-old skier	(197)
(Lafayette Daily Advertiser)	City gets around public resistance to speed cameras by calling them red light cameras that happen to measure speed as well	(75)
	Worried about being the scene of the next Virginia Tech-like incident, many colleges are telling students with psychological issues to "fix it or GTFO"	(301)
	The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York is offering the Average Joe a chance to weigh in with criticism of its new stupidly boring fashion exhibit	(50)
	School district secretly installs hidden cameras outside locker rooms and bathrooms. Would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids at the school newspaper	(94)
	D.C. Fark Party reminder: Tomorrow, 7:00 p.m. at Rock Bottom, Bethesda	(168)
	Flying bra causes car crash and lawsuits, and dissolves friendship	(77)
(The Australian)	Yeah, that money you gave the tsunami victims a few years back? It's being spent on politicians' pet projects. Suck it, charitable souls	(88)
	Here's the cutest photos of an overweight wombat stuck in a flower pot you'll see today	(54)
	"Mean" former lunch lady is denied unemployment benefits after being fired for "refusing to give food to students who didn't have money"	(368)
	Priests brawl in the Church of the Nativity. If only someone had some sort of guide they could turn to in times of strife, instead	(88)
	People upset about excessive and complicated packaging are now caught up in wrap rage	(95)
	Not news: Man says he is victim of identity theft. News: The identity thieves have caused traffic several accidents and run up $20,000 in parking fines. Fark: His name is Mohammed Ali	(37)
	Honey is making a comeback as a natural disease fighter	(69)
	Doctor concludes that driver-alcohol related deaths increase at year's end. You don't say	(21)
(Some Guy)	NYPD goes fabulous by replacing Kawasakis with Mopeds. They say it's greener, submittard says pinker. (With fabulous pic.)	(220)
(My Fox DC)	D.C. is adding some style as more and more sleek, glass office buildings are being built downtown. Fark bonus: D.C. media can now report crimes as happening "within sight of the Capitol" from 82 new locations	(61)
(Rufus A. Bearsbutt)	Photoshop this policeman with his remote control aircraft	(56)
	Benazir Bhutto critically injured in suicide bomb attack at political rally. Update: Condition downgraded to killed	(2024)
(WMTW.com)	When a police officer lends you a pencil to help you arrange bail, it's best not to stab him in the head with it (with "I wouldn't stick my pencil in it" mugshot)	(66)
	Not news: Father buys daughter music CD for Christmas. News: Kids hear "F" and "N" words on CD. Fark: CD was supposed to be Hannah Montana songs	(124)
	Customs catches Canadian carrot carrier carrying copious quantities of chronic	(52)
	Must be a slow news day when there is a front page article about a 56-year-old toaster (with pic of said toaster, ooh ahh)	(81)
(Some Guy)	Man walks up to stranger talking on cell phone and punches him repeatedly in the face after overhearing man say, "Your daddy." Deputies report suspect is "not at all sorry that he did it"	(102)
	On top of women's 2008 wish lists? Losing weight, buying nicer clothes and marrying a rich guy	(272)
	Philippines customs seize inflatable sex dolls that were to be used in PETA protests over chicken abuse. Somehow	(57)
(Some Guy)	Holidays are good times for you, your wife, family, mistress	(37)
(Some Guy)	Local firefighters stay busy all night, responding to residents' repeated sightings of fog	(21)
(Stars and Stripes)	Latest scam on street: Calling relatives of soldiers deployed to Iraq, asking them to wire money so soldiers can make it home for surprise Christmas reunion	(58)
	Not content with zoo tigers getting all the ink lately, circus elephant fatally crushes a handler	(39)
	Finding and keeping $11,000 at the scene of an accident? That's a decade in jail. Whatever happened to finders keepers?	(34)
(WXYZ.com)	Dumb: Man caught stealing. Dumber: From an unlocked police car. Fark: In the parking lot of the police station	(22)
(Some Color-Lovin' Guy)	Photoshop the inside of this pretty balloon	(49)
	Helsinki's resident of the year is an owl that likes soccer. YA RLY	(35)
	The NRA has hired hundreds of private investigators to track down gun owners whose weapons were seized after Katrina. Good luck, there, Charlton	(186)
	Scientists discover drug that reverses liver damage. Drinking yourself to death just got a little harder	(68)
	Police respond to next-door neighbor of Drew Peterson after she discovers dozens of photos of a cemetery scattered on her front lawn. And that's not the weirdest part	(39)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 138: “Simply Beautiful." Details and rules in Boobies. LGT next week's theme	(304)

Wed December 26, 2007

	You might be a redneck if you spend Christmas Eve wedged in a septic tank	(40)
(PennLive)	PennDOT has a bridge they'd like to sell you. No, really	(38)
	Woman, surrounded by pack of pit bulls, lavished with cutesy puppy dog licks while she pets them. Wait. That should read 'Woman ripped to shreds in the street by genetic killing machines owned by irresponsible power-tripping douchebags'	(464)
	Up to 3/4 of all classical musicians may use performance enhancing drugs	(138)
	Army hopes to entice more female soldiers into the military by offering them new shoes (pic)	(65)
	F-15 groundings have caused Alaska to depend on the Canadian Air Force for protection. EVERYBODY PANIC No really: EVERYBODY PANIC	(177)
	Six bodies found at rural WA property	(86)
(kptv.com)	Man walks into convenience store, claims to be Ozzy Osbourne, then whips out pistol on befuddled clerk. With surveillance photo that, well, looks remarkably like Ozzy	(67)
(Some Guy)	A roundup of the wild, wooly, and truly strange news of Petaluma, CA Animal Enforcement, with cute-ass pics of a horse, a gator, and a pot bellied pig. Strange beats out Sappy by a length	(38)
	Several hostages held by the FARC in Colombia since 2002 may be freed within hours, pending agreement from Colombian government. Man, it takes forever to get a FARC party organized	(34)
	Once again, NYC is the safest big city around. It also cooler than, more important, looks better, and has more money than Chicago	(275)
(Strawberry Tallcake)	Photoshop this fallen berry	(60)
(Chattanoogan)	From the "Hold My Beer, I Want To Try Something" files comes this story of a pickup truck, a TV news crew, and a jailarious altercation with... a jail	(29)
	Most parents of precious huge lard choked snowballs don't see the problem	(170)
	Little Brit yobs lobbing stones at lorries cause one to careen orf dual carriageway into tree killing dishy secretary. If yeh know which sodding dustbin lid did this, the rozzers would fancy to hae a dickey bird	(101)
	"Chen said he sued because he believes that, under China's law and the Communist Party's declared policies, the censors had no right to scratch his musings off the Internet."	(42)
	Yellowstone National Park wants to allow visitors to carry guns. Because if you're American, you just can't enjoy a day in the wilderness without being able to kill someone if the mood strikes you	(254)
	Not News: Car parked in tow away zone gets towed News: With kids inside the car. Fark: Parents left them in there to appear in court and are now suing the towing company	(74)
	Washington State considers bicycle licenses to hold riders accountable for actions, costs	(294)
	Charges dropped against steak knife girl	(89)
(Science Daily)	Marijuana may inhibit cancerous tumor growth. Is there anything that pot can't do?	(269)
	New elf academy in Finland begins training next year's class of elves in the survival skills they need – and at graduation, they have a lot more marketable skillls than a liberal arts major (pic)	(36)
	17 year old American girl buys school for Cambodian children. What were YOU doing at that age?	(185)
	Cars will cost thousands more, light bulbs six times as much, and electricity's price will go up 30%. But don't worry, it's for the children	(305)
	San Francisco Chronicle asking readers to pick top strange news stories of 2007. If only there were some website where people could read about strange news stories on a daily basis	(36)
(Some Guy)	The secret to saving failing schools? Firing the incompetent teachers who work there, at least according to report by experts that teachers' unions will fight to their dying breath	(243)
	Two 1,500-year-old Bangladeshi statues of Vishnu stolen from airport warehouse. Where are your gods now?	(44)
(Some Guy)	Man gets up before dawn on Christmas to deliver few more presents to mother's house. Winds up delivering baby for woman on sidewalk	(31)
	"Women are women, they always want to look good"	(280)
	FBI aims to build world's largest biometrics database	(124)
	300 lb. tiger that attacked at San Francisco zoo did not get out through an open door. They believe she got across a 15-foot moat and climbed 20-foot walls	(513)
(Press Enterprise)	Rancher hosts Civil War battles, motocross and topless photo sessions. Unfortunately, not all at the same time. Police not amused	(73)
	Virginia legislator who came up with the $3550 speeding ticket now wants to jail the 500,000 motorists expected to be unable to pay those massive fines	(213)
(Some Guy)	Research firm discovers that hitting the "reply-all" email button costs the U.S. economy $650 billion every year. Think how much Drew has cost the economy	(63)
	Your dog wants high-fat beef that will lower his cholesterol. It will only cost you $65 per pound. But he is your best friend	(56)
(History.com)	Happy Kwanzaa	(493)
(Some Guy)	Lawyers reach a new height: seeking to have teacher's suicide recognized as workplace casualty	(94)
	Old and busted: Smoke Free Zones. New hotness: Profanity Free Zones. Subby: STFU & GBTW	(194)
	Reporter laments that people will not pay for news online, will only pay for not news	(72)
	Environmentalists aren't too happy about America's recent effort to reduce dependence on foreign oil	(352)
(Some B/W Guy)	Photoshop Challenge: Colorize this misty photo of the hills of Tuscany	(93)
(Times-Argus)	Man, tripping heavily on 'new' hallucinogen, runs into traffic after stripping naked. Naked dude running into traffic trifecta now in play	(127)
	Caption this photograph of Rudolph Giuliani with his gift	(115)
(Some Guy)	Dog saves family from fire, perishes after trying to find family's other dog; selfish cat makes it out OK	(121)
	Hospitals urged not to decorate children's wards with paintings of clowns, for fear of upsetting young patients. Still no cure for mimes	(58)
	Man takes his Dance Dance Revolution skills onto the interstate. Cops not impressed with his Pants-Off Dance-Off	(35)
	You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz High-Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated quick-response Worzel™ and 20,000 zurlebytes of scringe-view quorms	(98)
(Kitsap Sun)	Woman beats up drunk ex-boyfriend who "woke up to use the restroom, but was so confused he urinated in the closet"	(136)
(Some Guy)	After an anonymous 911 call about a man with a gun, cops show up at mall and taser the wrong guy and his wife in a busy food court	(387)
(Some Guy)	Two brothers drown after jumping in river without knowing how to swim. Family wants warning signs posted	(160)
(The Pittsburgh Channel)	Man whose lawn Christmas decorations were stolen posts sign in yard offering remaining decorations to thieves	(30)
(Some Guy)	President for the School for Deaf and Blind retiring. No one remembers seeing or hearing from her in years	(30)
	Photoshop this gingerbread house	(27)
	Not News: Milwaukee sets up radar speed trap. Fark: To catch sledders	(53)
(Anchorage Daily News)	The wife of Iditarod champ is mush	(48)
(Some Guy)	82 percent of Americans identify themselves as Christians; the other 18 percent presumably volunteered to work Christmas day and refused all gifts that they were offered on principle	(414)
	Tennessee man after soliciting sex from undercover cop: “I should have known something was up, she had all her teeth.’’	(35)
(Empire State News)	Underage Amish kids holding drinking party at lumber mill busted after one of them calls 911	(53)
	Chicago cop doesn't beat anyone up and still makes the news	(49)
(MyFox Orlando)	Not News: Burglars Break into Man's House. News: Man chases the intruders out of the house with a baseball bat as police arrive. Fark: Police arrest homeowner and allow the burglars to run free	(143)

Tue December 25, 2007

	If you're carrying weed, it is best not to throw walnuts at police officers	(66)
	Construction on Boston's $14B Big Dig is finally complete, only $12B over budget	(160)
	You think your Christmas dinner was painful? Try being mauled to death by a tiger in a zoo cafeteria	(219)
	Egypt to claim copyright on pyramids, failed to read the bit about "life of creator + 70 years"	(156)
(Some Cold Guy)	Leaving an underage drinking party on a blustery winter night do you A) Flee from police in your car B) Flee into the woods without shoes C) Break into a garage and hide in a car all night? Frostbite ensues	(46)
(Some Guy)	It was your dad that answered everyone's letters to Santa every year (site Farked; article pasted in first post)	(127)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this trade show booth	(42)
(Some Guy)	Scotland to put drunk driving ads in video games. Killing cops, stealing cars, running over pedestrians, and using cheats all still O.K	(62)
(Some Guy)	With the price of food skyrocketing, it's unlikely that 70% of Americans will be overweight by 2015. If there's one thing we love more than gluttony it's greed	(183)
	Dead guy sends Christmas cards to family and friends, says he'll see some of them sooner than they think	(54)
	Twas the night before Christmas and from out of the pipes / Came a flood of raw sewage, of various types / When they couldn't reach maint'nance, they then cleaned up the floor / And then passed out and woke up and saw worse than before	(47)
	After receiving 29 parking tickets, owner tracks down her stolen car... two blocks from the police station	(144)
	Texas lottery players fail to collect $449 million in winnings. Fark needs a plural "Dumbass" tag	(56)
	Loss of Arctic sea ice could harm walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob	(83)
	Beloved leader of country even fixes television sets for his people. Is there anything Kim Jong-Il can't do?	(85)
	Slow news day: Woman discovers she is allergic to Christmas trees	(52)
(Press of Atlantic City)	Post your "scared of Santa" pics here. Re-runs and old classics are OK. Merry Christmas	(148)
(PhotoSig)	Photoshop these blurred dancers	(61)
	California court rules there is no such thing as private property	(197)
	"Cigna stands by decision on transplant. The insurer defends its initial denial of a liver procedure for a teen who died last week"	(422)
(Some Guy)	Humbug, the law that banned Christmas	(34)
(Pacific News Center)	Congress votes to make your state quarter map obsolete	(132)
	It wouldn't be Christmas on Fark without at least one story of a drunk naked guy plowing his car into a garage. Happy Holidays, everybody	(27)
	Who would have thought this would ever happen? Hero trumps Sappy	(45)
	6.2 magnitude quake hits Japan. No word on possible tsunami. Large Caucasian man in red suit seen near epicenter wanted for questioning	(34)
	Man goes to the police station to lodge a complaint, winds up tearing an air conditioning unit out of the wall and setting a police SUV on fire	(33)
(Some Guy)	Rival Pennsylvania towns mimic New York’s Times Square on New Year's Eve - By dropping giant pickles, Kisses, wrenches, and now potato chips (w/giant bag o chips pic goodness)	(59)
(Laughing Man)	Japanese man dumps his panty collection, DNA recovered. Charges for 1994 murder pending	(21)
(Some Guy)	"Woman battered by plate of burgers." Mayor McCheese asks to lettuce end this violence	(31)
	LAPD arrests 280-pound man dressed in Santa hat, red lace camisole, purple G-string, and black leg warmers for DUI. Thankfully, this article has no pics	(32)
(Some Type Dorkette)	Photoshop this ancient relic	(82)
	If you're a cross-dressing liar who wants to marry a Japanese woman for her money, don't do it in Arizona	(33)
	For the eighth time in the last nine years, beer consumption in Germany declines, as Germans begin drinking other non-alcoholic drinks	(44)
(Daily Snack)	Hitler please	(181)
(Information Liberation)	China clinic gives 'web addicts' shock treatment. No word if treatment uses USB-enabled device	(29)
	Man missing in the wilderness near Humptulips found safe just in time for Christmas. In related news, submitter now can't stop saying 'Humptulips'	(43)
	Hangover Prevention 101	(136)
	Castro's brother says zombie Fidel has full control of his faculties, BRAIIINS	(36)
(Kingston Daily Freeman)	Ceiling fan is watching you	(56)
	So that's how Santa does it	(32)
	Today's naked knife fight brought to you by Brooklyn	(48)
	Cops taser urinating man	(56)
	Man demonstrating how he would kill companion with a nail gun shoots himself	(43)
	Top Ten T-Shirt slogans for 2007	(97)
	Putin's dog wanders off, so he launches satellites to track her. Your dog wants geostationary steak	(38)
(Balltown, Iowa)	If you never ate at Iowa's oldest continually operating restaurant ... well, you missed your chance	(60)
	Woman stabs husband to death while he slept because "he keeps inviting people over in the apartment and she wasn't going to take it anymore" (w/mugshot)	(68)
(Some Guy)	Google Maps and NORAD are working hard, as always, to update Santa's movements every five minutes on this crucial day	(270)

Mon December 24, 2007

	Caption the anchorman freaking out at the sight of a van crashing into the newsroom	(98)
	Kyrgyzstan declares itself the new home of Santa. Mr. Klwz too busy to comment	(18)
(Today's TMJ 4)	Gas station employee fed up with daily occurrence of armed teens demanding gas and merchandise fights back. Weapon of choice: a stick, which the thugs promptly took and beat employee with	(97)
(Some Convict)	Not news: Couple gets married. News: groom is jailed convict. Fark: Marriage in courtroom with groom in striped prison uniform and handcuffed. "It doesn't matter what I am wearing, she makes me feel warm inside"	(24)
	Airlines reluctant to start offering internet services aboard because of the mile high fapping club	(65)
	Uglyass baby elephant joins the herd. No word if he'll be a taxi, entertainer or artist but he does come from a performing family [w/pic]	(7)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this happy driver	(61)
(Some Guy)	"The only state that has earned its own category on farq.com and newsoftheweird.com, Florida is a veritable wellspring of wacky and weird people." Farq.com?	(82)
	Old and Busted: Shoplifting.....New Hotness: Shopdropping	(62)
(Public Radio)	For just $195, you can buy a family in Lesotho a pig. Bacon trifecta complete	(50)
	Boston Celtics fans caused the War on Drugs	(28)
	The cutest video you will see today, brought to you by two baby pandas	(36)
(Pew Pew Pew Research)	The key to happiness? Going to church every week. Really	(467)
	North Dakota farmer forecasts weather via pig spleens. Bacon trifecta now in play?	(21)
	Three oversize queens set to meet in New York harbor, and for some reason the media is making a big deal about this	(44)
	Step 1: slip on pigeon poop. Step 3: profit. And if you're a New York taxpayer, you are going to be very annoyed by Step 2	(75)
	The coming financial meltdown will make the '29 crash look like "a walk in the park." EVERYBODY PANHANDLE	(296)
	Man shoots cans, he hates these cans. Police arrest the jerk for shooting them inside a frat house	(49)
	Immigration: Fence not working, switching to moat	(144)
	Toilet tragedy jiggles the handle of compassion	(23)
	A redneck Trans Siberian Orchestra holiday lightshow	(99)
	Good: scratching a lottery ticket that says you won $25,000. Bad: then scratching off a line that reads, "All winners are losers and must have an excellent sense of humor."	(88)
(Farkette at work on Christmas Eve)	"Hurry up, dude. It's Christmas Eve. Stores will generally close around 6 p.m. . .That's it. Not a lot of news today." Ah, the honesty of small-town papers	(60)
(Some Guy)	Theme: Create a pictogram advertisement. Difficulty: PICTOGRAMS ONLY -- no photographs. Link goes to inspiration	(71)
	70% of Americans will be overweight by 2015: "Ima gonna eat chu"	(219)
	Linus and the meaning of Christmas. Suck it, War on... you know what, nevermind. Peace on Earth, good will towards men	(79)
(Some Guy)	Gas prices fall below $3 which will magically allow consumers to pile on more holiday debt. It's a Christmas miracle	(75)
(Amazon.co.uk)	You'd think the buyer reviews for the average Bic ballpoint pen would be uninteresting. And you'd be wrong	(101)
(Some Real Baconator)	Perfect Christmas recipe: from the creator of Bacon Cereal comes the Bacon Cheese Baconburger, with bacon mustard. Bacon	(129)
(The Columbian)	After police were ordered to write more speeding tickets, speed-related crashes in Clark County, Washington increased 23% this year	(60)
(Live Free or Die)	Cops from five NH police agencies stop 514 cars at "sobriety checkpoint." Eight arrested for DWI. Your tax dollars at work	(466)
	A pint of beer could cost £4 ($8) in Britain's pubs next year. EVERYBODY PANIC	(82)
	Singapore officials plan to sell every item Maria Sharapova uses during her one-night stay at a hotel next weekend, except for the toilet seat	(61)
	New public skating rink in Mexico City, world's largest, attracts a thousand skaters hourly. In other news, NHL looks to expand even further south, save a lot of salary money	(43)
(Some Guy)	"You have one life, and we help you keep it. And we work Christmases." Wish your local EMTs and Paramedics a Merry Christmas	(284)
	Enough marijuana to roll more than 171 million joints was taken out of commission in a 16-county area and the price of it remains unchanged. Battle on brave drug-warrior	(223)
	The gasoline fire that engulfed a neighborhood wasn’t enough. Now city lawyers, citing lead concerns, want to "quarantine" gifts collected by a 10-year-old to help the newly homeless families. Ho Ho Ho	(72)
(W C A X)	Merry Christmas. Someone escaped from the mental hospital Friday, but we waited until Monday to tell you	(49)
(NY Times)	About half the population in Kentucky does not have dental insurance, and 1 in 10 are missing all their teeth. Obvious tag for the win	(107)
	UK Brainiacs applying to Ivy League colleges because their own fancy pants universities don't cut it no more. With totally hittable UK Brainiac pic	(149)
(Some Guy)	Introducing the mascots of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver: Bigfoot, a fairy elf, and a Canadian mermaid	(103)
(Go Erie)	Pennsylvania county is not sure whether to prosecute some teens as adults. Your precious snowflake wants habeas corpus	(100)
(Some Guy)	Darth Vader is more popular than Santa Claus	(64)
	The great British Pub Quiz of 2007. Are you smarter than the average Brit?	(82)
	Doctors urging revelers to drink moderate amounts of alcohol, in Australia. Yeah, good luck with that	(32)
	Top 10 health trends for 2008: It's a British list, so No.10 is pushing hard for the 'irony' tag	(42)
	Money changers see increased profits selling Christian-themed material possessions in the growing evangelical retail market	(119)
(Some Guy)	On his last raid before retiring, a police sniffer dog finds a record haul of cocaine, speed, and pot. "I have never seen a reaction from the dog like that before."	(44)
(KVBC)	Your housemate asks you not to drink milk from the carton. Do you; A) Apologize and oblige her, B) Buy your own milk, C) Chop up her and her family with a machete	(113)
	People are increasingly germophobic. Fark's favorite reporter would have been on the scene, but is currently busy scrubbing the Romeromobile with bleach	(76)
	Some people won't vote for Barack Obama because they don't want him to get assassinated	(167)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these logs, Lincoln	(53)
	Britain set to release secret streetlight files	(35)
	The Scottish government will today receive a request for a licence to bring back beavers to Scotland for the first time in centuries. "Once we get the green light from the government, we will develop the detailed plan"	(44)
	Postman refuses to deliver mail to family because he keeps getting attacked by their cat	(88)
	Christmas shopping in France has never been more boaring as 200lb wild pig rampages through clothing store, emerges 30 bullets heavier	(46)
	Winston Churchill's party-animal granddaughter has died, gets extra cool points for co-founding the Glastonbury rock festival	(77)