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Sun December 30, 2007
| (Munster Times) |  |
Munster, Ind. paper looks back at its year of Not News. And it's not bad, from the town clerk accused of embezzling to feed her knitting addiction to the nervous bank robber who could say nothing but 'Thank you, come again' | (41) |
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Quebec man sells snowbank on eBay for $3,550. Eskimo who bought it now says he feels ripped off | (42) |
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Bhutto's teenaged son to succeed her as party leader; fortunately we would never be so silly in the U.S. as to select an inexperienced person to fill an important government position just because he is the former leader's son | (305) |
| (Some guy in need of support) |  |
Times Square ball to turn 100, which explains why it hangs so low | (50) |
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Police arrest suspect in rash of Christmas, lawn decoration thefts. It turns out he had cleverly hidden them in his own front yard, no word yet on Drew's gnome. [w/video report] | (22) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
If you have a problem falling asleep on the job, maybe you're just not cut out to be a burglar | (20) |
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Europe cancels massive New Years fireworks display over terrorist threat, despite the fact that could make it the most awesome fireworks show evar | (42) |
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Lost diamond ring turns up in packed fudge | (52) |
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Latest Western job to be outsourced to India: pregnancy | (75) |
| (Some Biker Guy) |  |
Photoshop this easy rider | (85) |
| (Bozeman Comical) | |
Skiers activate their rescue beacon as darkness falls, are located hours later by six sheriff's deputies, 22 volunteers and an ambulance crew who courageously rescue them from their hotel room | (99) |
| (Turnto23) | |
Teacher arrested after asking two students if he could trace an outline of his penis for them. Kicker: He's charged with being annoying | (71) |
| (Some Prophet) |  |
Religious pilgrims trying to reach Egypt get stranded at the Red Sea, fear capture by Israel. It'll take a miracle to save them | (49) |
| (Some Guy) | |
When cats design websites | (154) |
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Chauffeur busted after drag racing at over twice the speed limit...with the newlyweds in the back seat | (31) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The 10 best rollercoasters on Earth | (170) |
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San Francisco man keeps 100% of his 2007 garbage. Now wants to donate it to an artist, because you know, where else could they find garbage? | (58) |
| (Palm Beach Post) | |
20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter swarm shopping mall. Entire family arrested. Was someone: A) Terrorizing shoppers B) Robbing merchants or C) Wearing low pants? And if you look at the tag for a hint you’re cheating | (457) |
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If you own an airplane you may have to pay sales tax on the plane in every state you fly through | (125) |
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Not news: attempted robbery foiled. News: robber tried to use taxi as getaway vehicle, opened door into oncoming streetcar. Fark: robber charged with theft, opening a door into traffic | (7) |
| (NY Daily News) |  |
Here's the train. Got the luggage? Yes. Got your backpack? Yes. Got your book? Yes [bing bong - watch the closing doors]. Got the baby? Oops | (37) |
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Don't buy enough booze at the bar? That's a beating, a frog-march to an ATM, and then an arrest. And I thought the girls at Starbucks who didn't get a tip were rough | (160) |
| (volunteertv) |  |
Customer who was shot at Hooters has died, assistant manager still in critical condition. Suspect still at large, and we're looking at you, Mr. Edge from U2 (see police sketch) | (66) |
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Three women with three un-belted toddlers in an SUV thought it would be fun to do some drinking and off road 'mud-bogging' at 70 mph. What could possibly go wrong? | (136) |
| (NY Daily News) | |
When stealing a GPS unit, deactivate the "home" address | (45) |
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And you thought your legal problems were bad: Attorney goes on the lamb with her policeman husband after spending tens of thousands of clients' money | (126) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this snack exchange | (64) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Small-town newspaper discovers something about online readers after several months: They like to read stories about weird news and dumb criminals | (26) |
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Time travel is real, and it's available on eBay. Yes, it's $10 million, but you have 90 days to pay it. And if it works, you have a whole lot longer than that | (358) |
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College tuition may be more than a lot of people can afford, but that doesn't mean you should commit armed robbery to pay for it | (38) |
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Sure, the robber may have left a note saying "Sorry wrong house" but he still kept the things he stole | (22) |
| (2008 is the year) |  |
So what do you wanna accomplish in 2008? | (576) |
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SeaWorld extends free admission offer to active-duty troops and their families. Hero tag goes to the troops | (76) |
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The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that could be used at home | (135) |
| (Adn.com) | |
Ever wonder what the 7 wonders of Alaska are? Well, here you go | (77) |
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Old and busted: suing file sharers. New hotness: suing legitimate customers for ripping a CD | (332) |
| (On Dancer, On Prancer) | |
Photoshop a dance partner for this young lady | (62) |
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Rolls Royce reveal some of their strangest customer requests, including a footbath to prepare for prayer and an elongated footwell to allow space for prostrate servants | (76) |
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If you have ever suffered from Anorexia Nervosa there's now a slim chance you can blame your mother | (61) |
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Cruise ship rams glacier in Antarctic; captain immediately orders free drinks for everyone on board. Now that's leadership | (73) |
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Cindy Sheehan may hijack the Rose Bowl Parade | (273) |
Sat December 29, 2007
| (Some Gourmand) | |
Worst food trends of 2007, courtesy of Epicurious | (283) |
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The 2007 Texan of the Year? The illegal immigrant. There's another job taken | (117) |
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Three dogs inherit $800K estate. Your dog is jealous, wants Filet Mignon now | (31) |
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Dare to question why a cop is harassing you over a flicked cigarette? That's a christmas dinner with Bubba | (308) |
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In an effort to bridge cultural divides and promote understanding and tolerance, Malaysian government passes a law saying only Muslims can use the word "Allah" | (138) |
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Man calls police to report that someone stole his pot and his Playstation. Common sense unavailable for comment | (39) |
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Failing at abstinence-only, female elk in national park will go on birth control, which will surely turn them into sluts | (37) |
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Man wants dog in bathroom while he showers with his girlfriend. Girlfriend disagrees. Man calls woman a name, woman punches man in face repeatedly, and it all ends up in a naked fight | (91) |
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Topless woman in a park flirts with man then asks to see his penis. In related news, Penthouse Forum publishes its first arrest report | (276) |
| (Some Jingle Bell) | |
Photoshop these sleigh bells | (91) |
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Oh, the "S" goes at the END of the restaurant's name | (162) |
| (Lohud.com) | |
Having rid New York state of crime, corruption, high taxes, pollution, traffic, potholes, cockroaches, rats, silverfish, illegal immigrants and Hamptons asshats, state assemblywoman declares war on loud movie theatres | (62) |
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The story a battered old pair of brown shoes can tell: a 200-mile escape over ice and snow, pursued by 900 Nazi soldiers | (77) |
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Grumpy old man leaves waitress $50k. She must have stayed off of his lawn | (44) |
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Clever immigrant smugglers discover real passenger capacities of vehicles (w/pics) | (74) |
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New Osama bin Laden tape just released. His old stuff was way better, but that was before he lost his original bassist and drummer | (214) |
| (The Herald Dispatch) | |
WV city is littered with broken-down UFOs | (47) |
| (HeraldNet) | |
Man blames car accident on pterodactyl attack. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal | (124) |
| (Salisbury Journal) |  |
American submitter has no idea what is going on in this story but is pretty sure somebody should have been locked up years ago | (76) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Man dressed as Santa kidnaps boss. Cousin Eddie unimpressed | (40) |
| (WIBW) | |
Pizza delivery driver fatally shoots would-be robber. Uncle Enzo reportedly impressed | (187) |
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Not news: man stopped for DUI. News: Man is tasered. Fark: for biting himself | (47) |
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Japanese inmates complain about pajamas and room service. Obviously they've never slept in a Days Inn | (40) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Just in case you missed that story about the Norwegian military promoting a penguin to Colonel in Chief of the Royal Norwegian Guard, here it is | (31) |
| (Free Lance-Star) | |
Couple busted after woman reports bag of cash stolen from convenience store. Cops find boyfriend on tape walking out with money bag, and the $14,000 at her house | (13) |
| (KTSM TV) | |
Tattoo artist and customer injured when the gun they were using as a model shot them both | (72) |
| (AL.com) | |
When visiting the police station to check on confiscated money, don't arrive in a stolen car...with a small bag of pot plainly visible on the car's center console...and a gun plus another half-pound of smelly skunk bud under the seat | (32) |
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US troops clear out insurgents, build new base, start training Marines and Firebats in preparation for next Zerg rush | (147) |
| (WPRI Eyewitness News) | |
Burglary suspect gives cops fake address when arrested; later gets robbed and gives cops his real address. Oops | (16) |
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Starting your own business? Be sure to leave enough room in your budget to bribe your local Congressman | (71) |
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Photoshop Grover | (75) |
| (wnd.com) | |
Botanists abandon research near USA-Mexico border to avoid drug smugglers. 'I got kind of allergic to pistols being held to my forehead' | (131) |
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Pakistanis identify Bhutto assassin, plan to chase him ineffectually for several years while invading some random country and burning down their Constitution | (199) |
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Christmas Eve robbery masterminded by a nine-year-old. Bonus: the accomplice was five years old | (32) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Drinking called "Scotland's national sport", narrowly edging out hurling, which is traditionally relegated to post-match celebrations | (42) |
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High fat/high sugar diets found to be more harmful to obese people. In other news, crackheads should stay away from crack | (46) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Reporter in Fark's favorite state sends out call to get better looking hookers | (52) |
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Hottie nurse saves life of choking kitten by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I can has yur phone number? (With pic) | (469) |
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Family outraged when dead man is upgraded to "mostly dead" | (73) |
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Fighter pilot dressed as sheep goes down in flames | (28) |
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Officer who captured runaway kangaroo puts the animal in his family's Christmas card photo (w/ pic) | (26) |
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Wichita Police will conduct field sobriety and breath alcohol tests Monday on a group of volunteer drinkers to show the effects of alcohol on drivers. Mapquest servers crash due to Farkers printing driving directions to Wichita | (44) |
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Number of parking tickets issued in Britain soars 400 per cent in just five years. It's not about the money, it's about the safety | (42) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this Civil War mortar crew | (67) |
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Survey finds two-thirds of people keep their ex-SO's number on their cell phone "just in case" | (91) |
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Telegraph's predictions of 2008's big stories: "June: Based on its real-world GDP, Second Life is admitted to the G8, displacing Canada. The virtual world sends a purple woman with improbably large breasts to the summit" | (35) |
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Monkey stashed in plane passenger's hat dies. Authorities did not immediately confirm whether it was a man's big yellow hat | (39) |
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If you plan to set up shop installing snow-chains on the side of a highway, make sure it is actually snowing... and that you're not smoking pot in your car when the cops drop by to give you the weather report | (37) |
| (wbtv.com) | |
74-Year-Old Man Jailed For Shoplifting $3 Sirloin. Forgot to use the "I'm an old man. I'm confused I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?" defense | (57) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Intoxicated female flasher brightens the night for San Carlos Park, FL police (Mug Shot Hottie Alert) | (140) |
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Regardless of the topic, "this New Year's Eve, steer clear of Wyoming" | (48) |
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A handy list of new words and phrases that nonebrity turdbirds like you are going to need to know in 2008 | (83) |
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You've just been arrest for your 13th DUI, what do you do? A) Cooperate with police. B) Try to explain yourself. C) Strip. (video included) | (39) |
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Newsweek asks the hard-hitting questions about why a tiger would want to eat your face off after you jack around and dangle your tasty legs into an enclosure that has really low walls | (93) |
Fri December 28, 2007
| (Some Thumper) | |
If your child's substitute teacher has blue hair and a nose piercing, she's probably a witch. Or a duck | (155) |
| (Some cannibals) | |
Catholic Spin 101: Transferring a Priest who has been molesting mentally retarded dishwasher to an all boys school, not telling the school about his record, is a "breakdown in communication" | (86) |
| (Some Fleabag) | |
Today's story of 237 Pomeranians in one house courtesy of Corpus Christi, Texas | (54) |
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Bill Maher counts down his picks for the 13 biggest dickheads of the year. Obvious tag for #12 | (633) |
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China's government assures loyal citizens that air quality in Beijing is improving. Scary pic says otherwise | (135) |
| (ksal.com) | |
Kansas farmers are delighted with wheat prices hovering around $9 a bushel. The only problem is now they have to deal with thieves in search of GRRAAAIIIINNNSSS | (56) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Government orders daycare workers to resist their "natural instinct" to stop boys from using pretend weapons such as guns or light sabres in games with other toddlers | (147) |
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Six-year-old writes heartbreaking essay about her dad dying in Iraq to win Hannah Montana tickets. It would be pretty sad if her dad had actually died | (172) |
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Pakistan crisis won't interrupt Bush's month-long vacation. What, you expected him to rush back to Washington just because a nuclear power is on the verge of civil war? | (301) |
| (Some Blech) | |
Jörg Blech examines the mystery of why some people practice geophagy, the habit of eating dirt. Jörg Blech? Come on, you guys have got to be making this stuff up | (40) |
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Canadian anthropology professor's research shows women think online dating is much like the same old bar scene and men frequently misrepresent their looks, interests, and marital status | (159) |
| (Some Frog) | |
Smoking ban hits French cafe culture. Berets, thin moustaches, striped shirts, and existential angst next on the list | (108) |
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Reminder: Phoenix Fark party tonight at the George and Dragon. LGT prevous thread | (59) |
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News: Reader's Digest gives each of its staffers a holiday cash bonus with the requirement that they use it to help others. Fark: The bonus was $5 | (121) |
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Pope declares war on Satan. Santa thanks FSM that the Pope isn't dyslexic | (197) |
| (NBC4) | |
News: FAA restricts rechargeable batteries on flights. Fark: Because they can't figure out how to extinguish fires in non-rechargeable batteries | (133) |
| (Lohud.com) | |
Police officer's three-year-old daughter can eat only one thing -- a doctor-prescribed formula. What does the insurance company do? A) Gleefully refuse coverage, B) Cackle as they swim in their giant pool of fifties and hundreds, or C) Both | (525) |
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You win if you picked today for the "Atlantis launch to be delayed again" pool in your cube farm | (16) |
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Al Qaeda in all kinds of trouble because they think it's okay to have killed Benazir Bhutto | (173) |
| (Some Shadow Puppet) | |
Photoshop this shadow | (77) |
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Child-slapping babysitter being charged with cruelty to children, Submitter’s eyes | (95) |
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"31 Ways to Meet a Quality Man," featuring 31 ways that don't work, each one occupying its own little URL of failure | (314) |
| (WDSU) | |
Devil cast out from town's phones. And no, we're not talking about AT&T | (65) |
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Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 4: October through December (details in thread) | (173) |
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FDA regulators get a gold star for identifying over 14,000 pounds of E. coli tainted meat. However, they may need to beef their security after the truck it was in was stolen | (34) |
| (Some Nerd) | |
Netscape Navigator dies quiet death | (303) |
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Insurance companies don't like the new "Toyotathon Phenomenon" ads, correctly believing that there are enough dumbasses out there who will be inspired by ads to commit fraud | (80) |
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82-year-old woman sues bank when they won't cash a 22-year-old check worth $20,000 | (258) |
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The curvaceous Mazda Furai concept is pure automotive sex | (137) |
| (Some Beer Drinkin' Guy) | |
So, has anyone seen Drew lately? | (71) |
| (KTVU San Francisco) | |
American diagnosed while overseas as infected with drug-resistant TB, takes crowded commercial flight back to the US. No, not that guy, a new one | (83) |
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Microchips in your license? They're coming. Get out your tinfoil wallet | (171) |
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Fast-food drive-through employee steals customers' debit card numbers, goes on shopping spree. In court, she pleaded "ngrrrt grreaphfy, yurff honnftr" | (81) |
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Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 3: July through September (details in thread) | (137) |
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Tiger victim was trying to protect his friend from mauling, only to be mauled himself. What fearful symmetry | (401) |
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Buford Pusser Award: Small-town residents join low-speed police chase, but most get bored after 30 minutes in the parade. One steps up, crashes into suspect's car | (36) |
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Would you wait in line three hours to eat at The Cheesecake Factory? "I could drive to New York and get a fish sandwich in that time." | (375) |
| (Some Zookeeper) | |
SF Zoo homepage has been updated to include a message of condolence for tiger victims. Maybe while they were in there, they should have changed their mission statement (on right of page) | (74) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Man's attempt to elude police by wearing a wig fails spectacularly. Is there a pic? Oh you betcha | (59) |
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A man has been hospitalized after he fell into a cement mixer. Police say there is no concrete evidence of foul play | (55) |
| (The Daily Gazette) |  |
Caption this totally not cute squirrel and its pumpkin | (65) |
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Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 2: April through June (details in thread) | (95) |
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Teacher attacks student for telling him he looks like Simon Cowell, ensuring that the whole world discovers that he does in fact, look like Simon Cowell (with pic) | (91) |
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If you're growing pot in your basement, don't let your wife do mushrooms in your home and whatever you do, don't come to the door unless you're wearing pants | (44) |
| (Some Guy) | |
2007: The year fashion went EXTREEEEME. (Includes picture of model wearing $159,000 C-3PO legs) | (85) |
| (The Times Record News) | |
Man breaks into a home and wakes the owners. He runs from the house, gets in his car and crashes into a snowbank at the end of the driveway. Five minutes later he knocks on their door and ask if he can come in because he was cold | (22) |
| (KCTV) | |
Parents hire lawyer after their precious little snowflake finds her new mp3 player filled with porn | (161) |
| (Pensacola News Journal) | |
SWAT team called to deal with exploding squirrel | (33) |
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Actual Headline: "Antarctic base staff evacuated after drunken Christmas brawl" | (49) |
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Connecticut to do for high school what the University of Phoenix did for college | (41) |
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Fark's 2007 Headline of the Year contest, Round 1: January through March (details in thread) | (109) |
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Man acquitted of "assault by handshake" now suing. Can't we all just shake hands and... oh, guess not | (14) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Five women with whom your girlfriend would agree to have a threesome | (654) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The nerdiest bike you'll see today | (92) |
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Woman, 34, marries foster son she and her husband adopted from Kosovo seven years ago. Are the Mother of the Year nominations closed? (With pic) | (149) |
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Hello Kitty makers seek to expand market by introducing line aimed at guys. "We think Hello Kitty is accepted by young men as a design statement in fashion" | (116) |
| (Some guy going 'ha-ha!') | |
Kid gets car for Christmas, takes it to the beach days later, promptly learns two important lessons: 1) It's pretty easy to get a car stuck in sand. 2) The tide comes in pretty fast | (135) |
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Knocking a drink from my hand? Well, that's just a trip through the window for you, isn't it? | (55) |
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News: Man vows to live on roof of bar until Ravens win a game. Fark: Thanks to all the news coverage, police know just where to arrest this man on his outstanding warrant | (38) |
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Now playing in a Manhattan courthouse: "Star Trek 12: The Wrath of the Bogus Trek Memorabilia Buyer" | (95) |
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Not news: Student seeks Mustache Institute help to combat facial hair policy. News: There is a Mustache Institute | (122) |
| (Tribune Review) | |
When reporting car stolen, it's best not to push it over a cliff and try to recover insurance money for car and items removed from car later sold on eBay | (45) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this "lady of the woods" into a more modern setting | (65) |
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The latest wheeze in the Nanny State: Children must be given "unlimited time" to do standardised tests, to avoid stressing the precious little flowers unduly | (154) |
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Majority of Brits would rather see Prince William as their king than anyone else, tell Prince Charles to get out of town, along with the horse he rode in on | (116) |
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Normally, when the propeller falls off of your single engine airplane over the Rocky Mountains, things don't end well. Then there's this guy | (181) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Postal workers who volunteer for Christmas duty say they get a special joy out of it. *Cough* time and a half *cough* | (42) |
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Three-pound Chihuahua mix named "Tink" helps to nab fugitive | (24) |
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If you can't trust the people telling you God wants you to be a millionaire, who can you trust? | (123) |
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News: Man solicits child for illegal sex act. Fark: While wearing a sundress, high heels and a black wig. Guess which state | (43) |
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Today's burglar stuck in a chimney like a "grub in a cocoon" brought to you by Alice Springs, Australia | (27) |
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New Year's resolutions differ between men and women. Boiled down, it's that men resolve to change some aspect of their life while women resolve to change all aspects of their man's | (36) |