Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-12-23 23:59:59'

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Sun December 23, 2007

	Motorist deliberately crashes van into Chicago's ABC7 State Street studio during live broadcast. Police cannot confirm that the driver was a Packers fan	(15)
	Hospital has a little mix-up: brain tumor patient has knee operation, knee patient undergoes brain surgery	(26)
(Times of India)	Man jailed for requesting national flag colored underwear. Wonder Woman unavailable for comment	(55)
	"The better elephants got themselves a job as taxis. The intelligent elephants got themselves jobs as show elephants. The smarter ones became artists."	(32)
	M-I-C (see, this is what you get)... K-E-Y (why, because I hate you)	(57)
(Some Guy)	Bangkok Post reports election ends in a Thai	(34)
	50 drunken santas go on rampage in cinema trashing the place and setting off fire alarm. Looks like someone just made the naughty list	(40)
	Your wife's family are the ones who hold Christmas together, scientists find. Now go put that rigid grin on your face and be nice to them for the next three days	(57)
(WND)	Somebody in Mexico really, REALLY hates country music	(138)
(KHOU)	Old and busted: prank calling pizza delivery to random house. New hotness: prank calling SWAT team to random house	(79)
(Some Costumed Guy)	Photoshop this colorful cosplay player	(40)
	American soldier adopts disabled Iraqi boy	(171)
	57-year-old man loses his car in crowded mall parking lot. Security ensures he won't ever be allowed to have this problem again	(115)
	Westminster City Council aims to ban soup kitchens. If only there was an amusing quote based on soup-denial with which to liven up the subsequent Fark headline	(46)
	Merry Saturnalia Why Christmas has nothing to do with Christ. Bonus: it's an editorial in a Fox-owned paper	(98)
	Why men are useless at buying Christmas gifts	(295)
	Robbers hijack truckload of holiday gifts, return it, give driver $60 to get out of Brooklyn. What, he's too good for the subway?	(15)
(Phuket Gazette)	Which of these is not a good combination? A) peanut butter & chocolate B) chips & dip or C) alcohol and hand grenades?	(58)
	Will Smith: "Hitler was a good person"	(466)
(George Constanza)	Happy Festivus - time for the airing of grievances and the feats of strength	(125)
	British vigilante anti-speed camera group plans to destroy all speed cameras in the UK during summer 2008, claiming they are just "money-making machines"	(131)
	Actual headline - "Sharp decline in knife attacks"	(47)
(Florida Today)	It's that time again... This week's Melbourne, FL hooker round-up	(54)
	If you ever wanted to see the Queen falling off a skateboard, the Duke of Edinburgh getting hit in the yambag by a polo-ball and Prince Charles shouting "LEAVE CAMILLA ALONE," you're in luck	(31)
	Roadside mower hits 16 foot python in Vero Beach, Fla. Dinner is served	(31)
	Deaf parents demand right to designer deaf children. WAIT, WHAT? WHAT?	(389)
(Some Guy)	All you'll ever need to know about Santa.. as explained by preschoolers	(42)
	Today's 'Thousands of personal records go missing in the UK' story brought to you by the Department Of Health. Who'd have expected such incompetence from a department called 'DOH'?	(19)
	Italian scientists link Christmas to pagan tradition. Pagans everywhere seen with smug "we told you so" smiles	(167)
	Photoshop this sky-high monastery. Difficulty: No Starbucks	(76)
	Baby Jebus statues being fitted with GPS devices to prevent them being stolen. "We may need to rely on technology to save our savior"	(49)
	AJC looks into state employees use of state credit cards, wonders if the Georgia Bureau of Investigation really needed to attend DragonCon	(39)
(Some Guy)	For the second time in 13 years, an Indiana man has bought a new vehicle with his spare change	(79)
	Miami Herald's 2007 news recap reminds us why we have a Florida tag	(21)
(Some Schmoker)	To dodge indoor smoking ban, Restaurant owner installs holes in wall for customers to stick their heads through and puff away. The Smoking Hole is there (pics)	(224)
(Some Bunn)	In a stinging one-uppance to Caturday, cloned rabbit glows green, will be able to reproduce in three months, demands immediate and unconditional Bunnday	(162)
(KPTV)	Butcher held at gunpoint by cop for incorrectly seasoning his jerky	(87)
(HeraldNet)	When the guy ahead of you at the drive-thru pays for your coffee, it's a nice gesture. When the next 350 people repeat the gesture, it's a heartwarming Christmas story	(151)
	"Officers returned to the cell a half hour later and the suspect told them: 'I think you've given me something you weren't supposed to'"	(71)
(Some Guy)	Today's naked crazy guy wielding an axe getting tasered by Moran brought to you by Wauzeka, Wis	(56)
	Ugly-ass giant panda cub debuts in San Diego (pics)	(13)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop Challenge: "Warm up" this snowy barn photo	(55)
	Unlikely: Fruitcake has been made tolerable. More unlikely still: By Trappist monks who took out the fruit and replaced it with a farkload of rum	(52)
	Student who's tired of having his lunch money stolen baits a mousetrap with a $5 bill. Hilarity ensues	(114)
	5 tons of marijuana seized in El Paso. In unrelated news, Frito Lay receives order for 10,000 bags of Doritos from El Paso police department	(63)
	"Able-bodied charlatans pretending to be physically impaired have forced the premature end to an enormously popular taxi service staffed by hot women in maid outfits"	(38)
	El Gordo, the world's largest lottery awards $3.2 billion in prizes. La Flaca unavailable for comment	(27)
	More couples seeking "collaborative divorces." Work together to be apart	(73)
(Some Guy)	♫ Away in a Ranger, no Harley to ride, the church held its service in the showroom so wide ♫	(17)

Sat December 22, 2007

	Meathead arrested for chucking prime rib at his aged and seasoned mother. Well done	(62)
	Documents surface showing FBI director had plans to use the war as an excuse to suspend Habeas Corpus and imprison 12,000 Americans he considered "disloyal". FBI Director Hoover, that is	(102)
(New York Daily News)	Nothing says Christmas quite like Santa nailed to a cross (with pic)	(114)
(Some Guy in shades)	Coolest pic of Winter Solstice sun you will see this Winter Solstice	(121)
(Some Guy)	Humane Society of the United States looking for people who chased 200 goats off a cliff in Hawai'i. El Paso Police unavailable for comment	(81)
	Mentally challenged boy gets the one thing he wants for christmas... a ride in a garbage truck	(90)
	You're driving drunk and see a breath test ahead. Do you: c) run the officer down?	(53)
(insidebayarea.com)	"Grasshopper," homeless taxi-driver-mayoral-candidate extraordinaire, misses court date for charges of naked guitar strumming on top of van because he was in jail for beating and imprisoning a previous passenger	(14)
(Some Guy)	Handy bacon flowchart	(173)
(insidebayarea.com)	DEA sends "threatening letters" to medical cannabis dispensaries in California, points out that owners can't rely on state law as valid defense against federal charges	(188)
	Offbeat stories of the Year. Guess how many appeared on Fark	(32)
	Miss France dethroned over sexy photos. (With WTF-is-that-over-her-left-shoulder pic, which is sadly safe for work)	(61)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this determined fisherman	(63)
	Old and Busted: Nigerian Princess needs your bank account info to give you a nice share of African gold. New Hotness: CIA Agent on failed mission needs $10,000 from you to hire a helicopter to escape. Wait, what?	(57)
	God-fearing bishop adds "atheistic fundamentalism" to list of non-existent things to be scared of	(478)
	CIA hid existence of torture tapes before destroying them. For those keeping track that's torture first, then lying about it, then destroying the evidence. No word on whether they stole an old lady's purse	(278)
(Some Guy)	Teen boy suing school district because 25-year-old female teacher taught him sex ed. TTIUWOP	(85)
	El Paso police shoot rampaging goat this Christmas weekend. Baaaaaaah humbug	(36)
	Congress votes to not build the southern border fence that they didn't want to build anyway	(187)
	TV station develops a "Viewer's Bill of Rights". We report, you decide	(41)
	Judge rules lawyer-rating website protected by 1st Amendment	(31)
	Actual headline: "Internet porn has tempted millions." Someone light up the Romero-signal, we've got a hot one here	(78)
(Pew Pew Pew Research)	Just 39% of Americans now say they enjoy eating "a great deal," which does not bode well for the big family dinner on Tuesday	(56)
(Some Guy)	Louisville judge rules citywide smoking ban unconstitutional. Suck it anti-smoking activists	(313)
	FBI to collect biometric data on all British visitors to America, including shape of their earlobes, after deciding dental records were all but useless	(68)
	New study names London as capital of the world. New Yorkers roll out their view of the world maps and go "London?"	(200)
(Some Guy)	U.S. lawmakers pass bill giving terrorists more time to relax in Grand Cayman, Cozumel and the scenic beaches of Nova Scotia	(32)
	Sheriff condemns "loophole" in law that does not allow people to be charged with killing police during high speed chase if there was no high speed chase and the police were just acting Floridian	(171)
	Cheap parlor tricks to amuse your friends and amaze your less-intelligent in-laws this Christmas	(50)
	Massachusetts says it's still OK to shock special ed kids, but you need a better reason than "some guy called and asked me to"	(48)
(Some Guy)	1 to 1.4 mm thick, they use European pulp board for its density, absorption and firmness. A 10-centimetre circle or square with rounded corners is the standard size and shape. You can't live without them	(81)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this case of puppy love	(57)
(Some Guy)	Over half of Americans take a break from their frenzied holiday shopping to tell pollsters that they are bothered by the commercialization of Christmas	(50)
	Britain suffers its first pirate attack since the 1820s - on the river Maaaarrrrsey in Liverpool. The Sun is thaaaaaaarrrrr	(53)
	Why lottery tickets are probably not a good gift idea: $200G gift swap spat goes to court	(97)
	Britain's premier historian says Prince Charles might be the British monarchy's best hope for survival. I say, old chap, you might be doing it wrong	(51)
(Some Guy)	Apparently there are these things called "trains" run by a company called "Amtrak" which people can ride in and visit neat places. Who knew?	(184)
	Historic map raises questions about the naming of Atlanta ... or is it Atalanta?	(139)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this forlorn train station	(50)
	Just a reminder - Tomorrow is the Festivus for the Rest of Us	(61)
(Some Guy)	Texas "pole tax" will add five bucks to a strip joint visit, with most of the proceeds going to help victims of rape. Wait, what?	(185)
	Gizmodo takes on The Onion in celebrity deathmatch, with legal advice from Drew, an "amateur lawyer and fly fishing aficionado"	(23)
(WSB TV-2)	Woman takes up residence at Wal-Mart for 3 days until cops took her home. Woman's response to employees as to why she was there so long: "I'm shopping"	(50)
(Some Guy)	British and German troops climbed out of the trenches during Christmas in 1914 to sing carols, exchange gifts, play a game of soccer, swap dirty jokes	(103)
(Addison Independent)	Trucker the cat finds his humans three years after house destroyed by fire. I can has reunion?	(374)
(Not CNN)	Wildlife officials try to stick it to beaver; CNN gets hot, steps in. Story has happy finish	(26)
	The new science of everything: Foobienomics	(25)
	Lost chalk drawings of penguins by explorers Captain Scott and Sir Ernest Shackleton that no one knew were lost have been discovered in a basement at Cambridge University	(39)
	Opened your Christmas present early? That's a stabbin'	(28)
(Daily News Tribune)	A woman was seen taking pictures of a school. Police admit "it may be noncriminal" but ask that people panic and turn her in anyway	(79)
	Frosty the Snowman is a gay smoker and other ways to overanalyze and ruin your favorite Christmas specials	(88)
	Elementary school principal caught with briefcase full of kiddie porn. Clearly, he's not your princiPAL	(74)
(Some Guy)	Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago	(48)
(Some Guy)	Investigation into Muslim students arrested for carrying explosives is jeopardized by video of deputies worrying they shouldn't be taping themselves calling suspects "Taliban"	(67)
	What is your all-time favorite book? One that you could read over and over and still like?	(832)
(Channel 4 News)	New scientific theory suggests that time is slowing down, and may stop altogether, because -- oh, hell. Read it yourself and melt your own damn brain	(146)
(Berkshire Eagle)	Massachusetts used up its entire snow removal budget for this winter two days before this winter started	(67)
	Headline: "Dalai Lama 'is not a call girl.'" Fact	(40)
(nymag.com)	Naomi Campbell interviews Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro. Throw in Charles Manson and John Bolton and this story will combine to form Crazy Person Voltron	(59)

Fri December 21, 2007

	Denver mayor appoints marijuana council in response to citizen's desire to reform drug laws. First item on the agenda: road trip to Dunkin' Donuts	(72)
	News: Woman drives at 10mph on a 70mph highway with a sign saying, "I do not drive fast, please overtake". Fark: Judge's final comment is, "We shall adjourn the case until January 4. I hope she doesn't drive here."	(98)
	Stepping outside to take a phone call rather than yakking it up in the store...that's a tazing	(282)
	Who should be Time's "Person of the Year"? Photoshop your nominee with their qualifying accomplishments	(116)
	Russian boy who was raised by wolves is found, then escapes. Doggie door at hospital to be promptly removed (with scary picture goodness)	(102)
	Da Guvernator has a great idea: Let's release 22,000 prison inmates early, just because we can	(160)
	Weekly hot or not mug shots open for debate, courtesy of The Smoking Gun	(289)
(Some Guy)	One of these ad campaigns is sure to make Farkers amused, upset, or just say: "THIS again?"	(34)
	Teens suspended for making a Facebook page for their teacher claming he was a pedophile are suing the school to get their suspensions overturned	(148)
(Some Guy)	86 year-old man gets thrown in jail for refusing to clean up his property. Guards at the prison he's kept at hear about it, and go and clean it up for him	(72)
(Live Free or Die)	State of NH passes law imposing $3-a-swipe fee for using credit and debit cards in courthouses, in spite of Visa and MasterCard surcharge ban. State motto reminder: Live Free or Die	(81)
	Study reveals Burger King is high in trans-fats. Really? Burger King? But it seemed so healthy	(84)
(Times Herald Record)	As it turns out, playing with one's ding-a-ling for eight hours a day in front of the Wal-Mart might not be the right gig for a Level 2 sex offender	(54)
(propeller.com)	Man carves 6000 step stairway in mountain for his wife, warns her the stores are all closed	(105)
(Some Guy)	Test your knowledge of sci-fi sounds	(220)
(Florida Today)	Welcome to today's Florida teacher is suspended article. Brought to you by Daisy BB Guns	(48)
(Some TFette)	DC Fark Party for those who missed last week's, LGT location	(50)
(Some Guy)	Guess where it is illegal to get a fish drunk, but it is leagal for a cop to bite a dog? Wrong, not yours Florida	(74)
(Some Guy)	Actual headline - "Whatshisname identified on sixth DUI arrest"	(47)
(The Bayou Buzz)	Rent a riot: The people protesting New Orleans's plan to bulldoze public housing projects were hired to protest from outside New Orleans	(167)
	Student catches principal fighting with student on cellphone camera, school responds by banning cellphones	(75)
	A list of "24,500 teachers who have been punished for a wide array of offenses was made available to the public Friday by a Florida newspaper." Come see if your child's teacher is tomorrow's front page news	(40)
(KIRO 7 News)	Priest arrested for jogging naked, claims he "sweats profusely if he wears clothing"	(28)
(Lion In Oil)	PETA's holiday e-card wishes former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick a very un-merry Christmas. Way to stay classy, PETA	(223)
	Why the tag was invented	(258)
(Some Guy)	A very Walken Christmas	(106)
	Iraq named most dangerous location for journalists, beating Antarctica and Detroit by a slim margin	(37)
(Some Guy)	Today is Bah Humbug Day	(77)
	Photoshop this retro derby car	(72)
	"It's pretty sad when you make $50K, and you still pay half of your take home income for a dinky one-bedroom apartment."	(681)
	A North Carolina farmer who has long sold lambs and goats to Muslims for holiday sacrifices has been barred by the state from hosting the slaughters	(234)
	One of the last known WW1 vets passes away at 109. Drove a car until he was 104	(73)
	Though it makes them feel blue, Japan to call off hunt for humpbacks. They felt they had the right and claim that this is a grey area. Greenpeace bow heads in thanks. Beluga	(84)
(Spiegel Online)	Twas the week before Christmas in the Swiss town of Birr, where a Bosnian woman caused quite a stir. Into gardens she'd creep, to find things to pinch - sounds suspiciously like our old friend the Grinch	(15)
	Parents cite safety as the reason they buy their young children their own cell phones. Kids see other benefits: "ZOMG hai lets give Ralphie a swirlie aftr recess LOL"	(54)
	Headmaster bars two kids from school Christmas party because "they don't believe in Jesus". Take that, War on Christmas	(258)
(KWGN-TV)	Keeping a Bengal tiger in your backyard? Here's a tip: Don't take it for a little drive around the neighborhood. People will get suspicious	(21)
	What was ailing Tiny Tim? (Besides sappy dialogue)	(56)
	Female couple and male accomplice bind and sexually assault 3 UNC football players after a drunken romp in downtown Chapel Hill. The goggles, they did nothing	(129)
	Student asks for extra credit assignment, teacher follows the porno movie playbook. Jailarity ensues	(115)
	Teen sneaks into an impound lot to take one last picture of his car. Owners catch him and dangle him upside down from the arms of a forklift. Guess who got arrested when police arrived?	(97)
	Photoshop theme of the season: Worst. Presents. Ever	(128)
	Australian Rules footballer hospitalized when he swallows a beer cap. I thought those guys were supposed to be hardcore	(41)
(Some Guy)	Contraceptive maker seeks protection	(30)
(Cambridge Chronicle)	Footprints in snow lead police from Dunkin’ Donuts to robber. And probably back again	(39)
	British doctors increasingly using more internet slang. LOL H4X	(59)
(Some Pedestrian)	From the phrases you never expected to hear department: assaulted school bus drivers trifecta in play. And Florida isn't involved at all	(19)
	Theme: Unromantic weddings	(43)
	One resident's solution to another theft of her baby Jesus statue: "I think I'll nail it down."	(94)

Thu December 20, 2007

(wrcbtv.com)	Paint sniffer in court for 126th time. No, not the one you're thinking of - this is the Southern Fried version	(107)
(N.Y. Times)	Wheelchair users end 10-day strike. In other news, wheelchair users have been on strike for 10 days	(45)
(The Times Union)	Federal judge dismisses industry challenge to New York State’s Airline Passenger Bill of Rights	(53)
	Report finds TSA tops list of least-liked federal agencies. Agent that strip searched you and stole your bottle of vodak surprised by findings	(143)
	Ten tips for approaching women - #1: don't discuss your level 9 wizard	(489)
	Researchers discover that men are funnier than women. Still no cure for cancer	(195)
(EADT)	Ugly-ass Columbian black spider monkey born in British zoo. Heineken is the father	(44)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this beach kid	(64)
(NY Times)	Giuliani headed home from St. Louis hospital despite blathering to nurses about being a lifelong Cardinals fan. 9/11	(58)
(Some Hack)	Thieves steal 144 cartons of cigarettes from store. That's just gross	(73)
	CNN would like to ask you if you're a 'cyberchondriac', a syndrome that makes web surfers think they have every disease they read about on WebMD. It's not news, it's CNN	(61)
	Cops can now legally inflict permanant damage on you to draw blood if you are accused of DUI. Rodney King says "I've known this for 16 years"	(291)
	Seven medical myths even doctors believe	(202)
	Subby dares you not to say "awww" at this gallary of zoo animals opening Christmas gifts	(85)
(Some Guy)	Man who made 80 prank 911 calls in two hours won't face charges because he's mentally impaired. And, no, it wasn't Flavor Flav	(27)
(WAVY)	Mother of the year boards her child's school bus and proceeds to give the driver a beat down (with mug shot goodness)	(109)
(Variety.com)	Columnist says Drudge Report "plays fast and loose with the headlines." Guess he hasn't found Fark yet	(61)
	"Can dogs be mentally retarded?" Slate asks you to vote for 2007's stupidest question. Your dog wants an IQ test	(131)
	Snow prompting countless accidents. This breaking news brought to you by lazy AP reporter who can't count	(18)
	Asshat out-of-town skier sues an 8-year-old for collision. Who sues an 8-year-old?	(157)
	Stephen Colbert is the AP Celebrity of the Year. "In receiving this award, I am pleased that I was chosen over two great spinners of fantasy — J.K. Rowling and Al Gore."	(135)
	Kyrgyzstan to name a mntn for Snta Cls	(27)
	San Diego police shocked -- SHOCKED, I say -- to find pipes and other drug paraphernalia at the Up in Smoke store on University Avenue	(57)
	Hot chick shows boobs during Grizzlies game during crowdcam on the Jumbotron. Safe for work	(198)
(Some Guy)	The top 10 physically modified people	(123)
	Excavations at Jamestown show that even the earliest American colonists were useless at bridging the trade gap	(30)
	Cosco Busan departs San Francisco Bay by successfully threading the quarter-mile gap between bridge supports. Hey, second time's the charm	(46)
	Men armed with a samurai sword and an axe rob a convenience store. Officials said to be on the look out for a ninja accompanied by a level-nine dwarf	(83)
	Study finds "fun fact" that lesbian couples have the same bacteria in their hoo-hoos. Still no cure for cancer, but who cares? It's lesbians	(214)
	Lawyer for an amputee who threatened to punch and strangle a judge says he didn't mean it because he can't physically carry out such threats. DA says the amputee's case, torso haven't a leg to stand on	(42)
(haaretz)	UC Irvine concludes that Muslim students destroying Holocaust memorial, defacing campus with swastikas, throwing rocks at Jews, shouting "slaughter the Jews," was directed at Israeli policy and so not racist	(604)
	Bad week for Santa continues: This time Santa is left unconscious, with a broken nose and black eyes	(64)
	Coca Cola enters the Procter & Gamble Hall of Fame by showing "satanic" ads in Russia	(114)
	Forty million people set to take to the roads in Britain on Friday -- and to make it more dangerous, every single one plans to drive on the wrong side	(82)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this cruising kid	(61)
	♫ It's fun to stay at the Y - M - C - A ♫♫ Except when the boss is P - E - D - O ♫	(110)
	Today's "Holocaust survivor arrested for stealing tangerines from neighbor's tree" story is brought to you by Spring Hill, Florida. (With pics)	(189)
	The story: Archbishop of Canterbury says some traditions about the Nativity story, such as three wise men, the December birth or the oxen in the stable, may not be true. The headline: "ARCHBISHOP SAYS NATIVITY A LEGEND"	(180)
(Some Guy)	What do subprime gingerbread houses look like? Presenting the gingerbread ghetto	(88)
	Proud to be an American: Fake vomit made in the USA is the finest in the world	(74)
	If you have stolen 500 parking meters in Atlanta, the police frankly don't give a damn	(72)
	Dude, where's my bottle of Anisette liqueur, two boxes of Kansas City steaks, two half-gallons of Prestige ice cream, a bag of frozen meat, a package of Cornish game hens and a package of Stouffer’s frozen stuffed peppers?	(48)
	Hillary Clinton tries to launch anti-Obama websites, apparently not realizing that unlike her own idiot staff, some people know about a little tool called WHOIS and see who they're registered to	(576)
(Gothamist)	Hazmat teams dispatched to Union Square Park in Manhattan to investigate suspicious substance EVERYBODY PANIC	(161)
	Original Knight Rider car up for grabs on eBay	(118)
	Tampa TV station wants to know, what do men really want for Christmas?	(447)
	Kidd Rock + hot chicks + Waffle House = jailairity	(176)
	Man arrested for bringing fake bomb into building. With excellent mugshot goodness	(74)
	People are fleeing California because it no longer resembles America. The rest are staying because it no longer resembles America	(338)
(Mmmm Bacon)	AOL lists top 11 things to put bacon on. Mmmm bacon	(161)
	Japanese Defense Minister concerned that his nation's pacifist constitution could possibly hinder military deployment against alien invaders, citing Godzilla attacks as precedent	(77)
(Deseret News)	Inmate sues to obtain hammer, cardboard sword and mead horn. Unless he's really Loki, his Asatru is gonna be Thor	(48)
(Brantford Expositor)	City hall buys strip club -- it's like they're not even trying to hide it anymore	(25)
(Some Guy)	Sign at Orlando McDonald's causing controversy	(172)
	$1,000 reward offered for a kidnapped goose with red toenails. Guess which state	(18)
	Mental health charity sparks outrage with spoof Christmas carols, including "Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me", "Silent Night Holy, Oooh Look at the Froggy -- Can I Have a Chocolate? Why Is France so far Away?"	(141)
	Chevrolet reveals new 620 HP Corvette ZR1, because sometimes a man needs a more powerful penis replacement	(210)
	Note to city planning officials who like their jobs: Taking a leak in public is not a Hindu ritual	(36)
(WOODtv.com)	Today's "bus driver with special needs kids on board picks up hooker who was really a cop" story brought to you by Detroit	(73)
	Apparently, walking blindfold and barefoot through raspberry jelly is a morale booster. Share your stories of management's strangest ideas here, VE for the funniest	(243)
	Ten tramps mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas in their mitts	(55)
	Prayers of 600,000 Oklahoma residents answered, power restored. Except for 14,000 or so. Their prayers just sucked	(114)
	Locavores gain in popularity, eating only foods produced within 100 miles of their home. Then there's the Scottish version, consisting of deep-fried potatoes and deep-fried Mars Bars, all washed down with pints of heavy	(78)
(Some Guy)	With a full moon, and an extremely bright Mars, it won't be hard to spot a jolly fat man flying across the sky in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer on Christmas Eve	(49)
	Massive front-page news scandal in Illinois: Governor gets free Hannah Montana tickets	(75)
	Geek alert: The Nanny State has decided that if you cause a wreck while using a mobile device, It's two years in PMITA prison for you	(305)
	Boston city councilor refuses to shovel his sidewalk after the storms -- even though it's against the law	(135)
	Artist -- who looks kinda like a hippie Santa -- facing fines, charges for handing out cigars and Kentucky bourbon to homeless	(86)
	"Once women burned their bras, today they send photos of their breasts to lad mags and call it liberating." Hooray for women's liberation (SFW)	(199)
(Some Guy)	If you e-filed your Oregon taxes, the big computer in Salem may have "glitched" its way into donating your refund to the state	(93)
(AZ Family)	Swim coach-teacher named Gay apparently isn't, according to underage student she had sex with. With mugshot goodness	(123)
	Bipolar man wins human rights case against employer who dismissed him for being weird, needy and unreliable	(210)
(The Age)	When you report to the world that you have been attacked by a shark, make sure that you have actually been attacked by a shark, and not just making it up. With "shark attack" wounds	(40)
	British Airways suspends flight attendant for eating a muffin that was leftover on a passenger's meal tray. First they came for my peanuts and I said nothing...	(47)
	WWII veteran, 95, tells knife-wielding robbers to get off his lawn	(40)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Marconi control table	(69)
(Some Guy)	Woman told not to put up security because it may harm returning burglars	(213)
	Fatality	(228)
	How to win at "Rock, Paper, Scissors" but fail spectacularly at life	(73)
	A guy in Colorado thought it would be okay to keep a live tiger in his home. Darwin gets cheated yet again after wildlife agents show up	(39)
	Caption Time Magazine's Putin of the Year	(145)
(Boston Phoenix)	In his speech on Mormonism, Mitt Romney said his father marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. Turns out MLK wasn't the only one who had a dream	(145)
	In response to the latest mass shooting, Congress passes law to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill, Dick Cheney	(100)
	The Vatican is "consoling" itself with the knowledge that "The Golden Compass" ticket sales are disappointing. Being glad for the failure of others? How very Christian of them	(311)
	Liquor stores blare classical music to drive off loiterers and hobos interfering with customers' Chopin. Supporters readily Lizst merits of idea, opponents say that riff-raff will be Bach	(73)
(the blue meanies)	It's not easy being blue	(106)
	Religious groups say I-35 is the road to salvation. Just watch the bridges though. Those are a biatch. God has a sense of humor	(168)
	Sitting Bull's Lakota Indians break 150 years of treaties with U.S. "We are no longer citizens of the United States of America." Better luck this time	(340)
	Woman kept body of child wrapped in newspaper and locked in suitcase for 50 years. Bonus: Child's 102-year-old alleged father doesn't want to talk about it	(82)
(Some Old Goat)	Woman shocked to receive tickets after her goats were caught having sex in public	(54)
(My Fox St. Louis)	Rudy Giuliani admitted to St. Louis hospital for testing and observation after displaying severe flu-like symptoms. 9/11	(177)
(Racine Post)	Wisconsin's battle of public religious displays heats up as Racine atheists erect a plywood pyramid on public land	(308)
(Farktography)	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 137: “Season's Greetings Cards." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(139)

Wed December 19, 2007

	Finally, Darwin, party of one: Man reaches into tiger cage to get better picture, with predictable results	(107)
	Eight people arrested for selling counterfeit DVDs, having poor taste in 1980s television shows	(74)
(Some Dirty Dog)	Today's too-many-dogs-in-a-house story seems to set a record with 237. Your dog wants an easier way to make the news	(44)
(Editor & Publisher)	Newspaper has great idea to let families write obituaries for dead loved ones. What could possibly go wrong?	(133)
	From the "even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut" department: Much-ridiculed 9th Circuit Court rules man's probation can't bar him from enjoying a tall cold one	(92)
	He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you shoot at his helicopter while flying over a Rio de Janeiro shantytown, so be good for goodness sake	(43)
	Brawl erupts among parents at children's Christmas pageant. Next time, don't try leaving just because your kid's part is over, mister. (with video)	(122)
	Friendly store manager becomes suspicious after helping nice man gather up money blowing around the parking lot. But he never said thanks before speeding off. That's when she know something was up	(38)
	Grinch who stole Christmas gifts busted after cops followed trail of tinsel from victim's apartment	(23)
	An exhaustive and expensive investigation has determined that someone really did sabotage Miss Puerto Rico garments. Now that that is settled, perhaps we can all get some sleep tonight	(40)
	The White House uses big, fancy, grown-up words to deny New York Times report that they knew all about the CIA torture tapes. Which probably means the story is correct	(464)
	Will your tongue really stick to a frozen flagpole? Here comes the science	(121)
(Some Guy)	Purdue University, training great minds such as Orville Redenbacher, Neil Armstrong, and this girl who locked herself in her trunk	(125)
	The jury in the who created the 'Sopranos' trial rules for	(102)
(Some Guy)	CNN says it's not interested in appealing to the kind of mouth-breathing retards who want to see live police chases. Also notes there are a ton of Not News sites out there, one of which is named Fox News	(190)
	Israeli scientists etch entire Hebrew bible onto nanoscale gold plate. Microscopic Mormons reportedly thrilled	(102)
	Submitter: Anyone near Lombard, IL who can tell me what the hell's going on? Multiple helicopters hovering overhead, traffic in all directions stopped, WTF? (Drew: Voting enabled for wild speculation)	(673)
	Darwin now 0 for 2 with that now found California Christmas tree family	(80)
(Radar Online)	Exactly 29 years to the day after he walked into a Cleveland bank and handed the teller a note reading, "All your $ or die," Dennis Kucinich's brother Perry was found dead in his Cleveland-area home	(80)
(Some Guy)	Now that Britney's sister is revealed to be pregnant, the media are asking the hard-hitting questions: "Should we blame hip hop?"	(335)
	Thirteen deputies disciplined for taking cruisers on high-speed, "Dukes of Hazzard"-style car chase, complete with several wacky wrecks. Waylon Jennings unavailable for comment	(53)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this NATO debate	(92)
(TPM)	CIA: Waterboarding an Al Qaeda captive provided valuable information and prevented future attacks. FBI: All information obtained from captive as a result of waterboarding was crap	(254)
(Via Huffington Post)	Sherri Shepherd, who's unsure if the Earth is round and is certain Christianity always existed, now concerned that she can't beat her kids in a "rich white folks' store"	(313)
	Man fired over Dilbert cartoon vindicated, free to explore new paradigms	(139)
	Actual headline goodness: "Is It Sexist to Discuss Hillary’s Wrinkles?"	(175)
	Whales may have descended from deer, and not from the sky with a bowl of petunias as previously believed	(282)
	Family lost last year in Norcal wilderness loses themselves again this year	(389)
(Some Guy)	Bill Clinton: "George Bush Sr. and I are going on a diplomatic tour to restore America's lost respect." George Bush Sr.: "No we're not, and while you're at it please enjoy this nice hot cup of STFU"	(675)
	Bob the Builder sought in arson investigation. Can he burn it? Yes, he can	(37)
	Queen Elizabeth appears in public with large bruise on neck. Prince Philip spotted giving two thumbs up to mates. (Pics)	(129)
	South Florida tops list of national "judicial hellholes,'' according to some pro-business group	(63)
(Some Guy)	Toyota to develop cars for seniors, comes with permanently flashing turn signals, top speed of 35 mph and booster seats to see over dashboard	(156)
	Florida considering adding mermaids to the state payroll	(41)
(MLB)	Roger Clemens may get to describe his masterful steroid-injecting techniques to those high school coaches after all	(58)
(People Magazine)	Queen Latifah signs on to endorse Jenny Craig, which is like Amy Winehouse signing on to endorse Alcoholics Anonymous	(153)
(Some Guy)	Sex education found to increase abstinence in early teens unless their last name is Spears	(151)
	CCcoooppp lleeetttss Mmmiccchaaell Jjj.. FFfox gggoo afftterrr puuulllinggg himmm ooovveerr inn ffeerrraarrriii ddooinnng 9999000 mmmiiilles pper hhouurr	(299)
	"What is Santa Claus' favourite pizza" officially tops list of the worst Christmas jokes in Britain	(327)
(Statesman.com)	Cloned animal registry to identify when the family BBQ is an affront to God	(47)
	One of the new "American Gladiators" has a resume that includes "naked pizza boy" and "curious guy at the gym" in gay porn films	(119)
	Apparently being named Time's "Person Of The Year" just isn't enough for Vladimir Putin. Now he's being worshipped as the reincarnation of Saint Paul	(62)
(My Fox DC)	Homicide count in Baltimore hits 275, matching 2006 tally. City leaders surprised strategic plan of holding candle-light vigils and painting murals on abandoned buildings did not work again for the fifth straight year	(240)
	Police: Mom left boy in mall to "teach him lesson"	(89)
	"Don't tase me, bro" tops the '07 best quote list. "(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom" by Senator Larry Craig takes eighth	(133)
	Never lose cool, succumb to road rage in states where concealed weapon permits grow on trees	(267)
(Cordon Bleu Guy)	Man arrested for cock fighting complains it's animal cruelity that his birds were killed and served for holiday dinner by Animal Control	(27)
	There may be a bomb in some school somewhere, maybe	(28)
	Lynne Spears' parenting book put on hold now that daughter No. 2 is knocked up at age 16. FAIL	(552)
	Ex-Hyundai CEO wins South Korean presidential election. Sout Korean voters hoping their country will from now on be mistaken for nicer country at first glance	(130)
(Failure magazine)	Fruitcake: Big joke or big business?	(87)
	Bidder pays over $20 million for Perot's copy of Magna Carter. Magna Reagan and Magna Bush I expected to sell for much more	(66)
	Study reveals why monkeys shout during sex	(167)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this water slide	(62)
(wndu.com)	Snow + Beer = OUCH	(65)
	Belgium to form coalition government. Stupid Flanders	(46)
	Evidence burns out of control at National Security Agency (Old Executive Office Building)	(569)
	Colombian Marxist guerrillas have said they will turn over three hostages to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, because he's the biggest commie attention whore around at the moment	(26)
(Some Gal)	Jamie Lynn Spears, on a fast track to follow in her sister's footsteps, is pregnant at 16	(767)
	Get ready for World Orgasm Day	(208)
(Miss Georgia USA)	Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Miss Georgia USA contestants. Who farted, y'all?	(216)
	The photograph is unremarkable, but the headline is Johnny Dangerously sweet (another great one from the Voting tab)	(108)
	Steve Webb, a member of the Liberal Democrat party, tried to log on Monday but received a message saying his account had been disabled following complaints he didn't really exist	(23)
(Some Guy)	Man calls police over serial gum thrower who has been terrorizing his lawn for years. Violet Beauregard wanted for questioning	(20)
(WCBS 880)	Time Magazine names Russian President Vladimir "Pootie Poot" Putin its Person of the Year	(107)
(wigantoday)	Mad woman goes to court, gets a restraining order forbidding her to talk to her drag-queen neighbour after years of verbally abusing him, goes home, spots her neighbour, hurls some more abuse, goes to jail. And she looks so normal	(57)
	♫ Six geese a-slain dead, FIVE C'S OF LOSS, four mangled ducks, three Market goods, 2 AM's the time, and a bear at the scene of the crime ♫	(40)
(Some Guy)	Woman kills husband, found guilty of first-degree premeditated murder, gets two days in jail. With picture explaining why	(224)
(Pekin Daily Times)	Pekin, Illinois police have a message for the person who stole two fire department radios, then whispered "Shots fired" over them: Cut that out	(33)
	Today's "cop drinking and driving his patrol car, and failing to pay toll" story brought to you by none other than sunny...	(19)
	Millionaire cellphone tycoon heads to NO SIGNAL territory for some Bigfoot hunting	(41)
(Some Guy)	Your hat falls into the garbage chute. Do you: A) Get it from the dumpster six stories down? B) Let it go because, man, it's gone? Or C) Climb in after it?	(66)
	Car thief steals car, realises he has an unexpected and hairy passenger, beats uncharacteristically wise retreat. (With hilarious rear-view pic)	(83)
	If you have four children before you're 18, it's safe to bet any future Fark headlines about you will include the phrase "house arrest"	(66)
	Cousins reunite after 70 years. Is there anything the Internet can't do?	(20)
	The latest thing that the British government have lost: £80,000 worth of Bolivian marching powder. The Sun is there, boy are they ever	(29)
	Water from Thames beats out bottled water in expert taste test. In related news, water from East River comes fourth behind battery acid, Porta-Potty liquid and Budweiser	(43)
(Some Guy)	Prisoners escape from prison van after bump in road causes rear door to open. Doesn't that only happen on TV?	(20)
	Heathrow gets personal rapid transport system vaguely resembling stormtrooper helmet. At least you know you'll never hit anything. TK-421 surrenders	(60)
(Some blowhard)	Photoshop this windmill farmer	(72)
(Metro.co.uk)	Couple forced to house criminal because he gave their address in court as his home. No, really	(145)
	Motorcyclist with a broken pelvis drags himself an agonizing one kilometer along a bush track for two days in search of help, Sarah Connor	(48)
	If you are a surgeon and during surgery, you see that the patient's penis bears a "Hot Rod" tattoo, resist the urge to take a picture of the guy's junk. It can only end badly	(108)
	Nanny state blows £20,000 trying to prosecute kid charged with assaulting man with a two-inch cocktail sausage	(66)

Tue December 18, 2007

	Sing-along DVD for would-be suicide bombers targeted at British children. Those songs are the bomb, yo	(167)
	Your tax dollars at work: Teen with burst appendix rescued off cruise ship by Navy helicopters, flown 500 miles to aircraft carrier for successful surgery. Suck it, income tax deniers	(223)
	Activists get their panties in a bunch over Japanese aquarium putting Santa hats on their whales. (With pics)	(80)
(Green Bay Press Gazette)	After pagan wreath is vandalized at the Green Bay city hall, mayor declares moratorium on any new decorations. The Nativity scene can stay, of course	(298)
(KTAR)	Drunk driving roadblocks are ineffective, according to a new study that might be taken more seriously if it were not by the American Beverage Institute	(123)
	Man carrying an axe through a crowd gathered to see the Queen claims that he only wanted to photograph her, maybe axe her a few questions	(59)
	Who knew competitive knitting should be so bloody? My psychotic aunt Edna, that's who	(64)
	"Dude, seriously... road trip to Texas"	(75)
	The Monterey Bay Aquarium is letting the public name its cute-as-hell newborn African otter through an online survey. (with pics and link to survey)	(104)
(Some Guy)	22-year-old man and biological mother reunited - and find out they have been working together since last April	(54)
(Some Guy)	John Edwards apparently has two women for his two Americas	(532)
	Kurds, Rice, Turkey, food joke	(29)
(dcist)	Just in time for the DC Fark party, needle exchange is legalized	(37)
	Zuma looking like a lock for President of the African Congress. Bookworm and Bejeweled demanding a recount	(45)
	Colombia opens probe into Chiquita militias, hoping to peel away defectors, split factions, and round up the whole bunch	(48)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this creepy exhibition	(61)
	Cops, Inigo Montoya, hunt six-fingered suspect	(68)
(Some Guy)	The girls you love, before and after Photoshop	(262)
	FEMA official in charge of cutting red tape to speed up Katrina aid, actually does her job and implements a system that could disperse money in 72 hours or less. So of Course her bosses countermanded her order and dismantled the system	(76)
(Business Week)	Top link on the Fark voting tab today: Knew cellphone future uses voice recognition softcore to turn voicemails into test massages	(123)
(Some Guy)	Debbie Lafave returns to court. Nothing really happens, but here's some new pics	(131)
	Floridians safe from injury now that Local6 has run a story on safe snow shovelling	(61)
	A hundred green organizations and 10,000 political blowhards were in Bali trying to out-green each other, and all the while the conference air-conditioning system was spewing toxins into the atmosphere at a rate not even Al Gore could match	(286)
(Some Scalia)	Old and busted: Camping out for Hannah Montana tickets. New Hotness: Camping out for Supreme Court oral argument seats	(52)
	Turkey withdraws from Iraq, leaving a giant, Greek-made horse behind	(35)
	CNN's list of the 12 biggest advertising blunders of the year. FTA: "...dark-skinned Cuban women in bikinis bottle-feeding a tourist baby as he sings, 'Feed me, mulattas... come on, little mamas, take me to my crib'."	(167)
(Anderson Independent Mail News)	Youth home turns into Jerry Springer set after teen is denied “another bowl of cereal”	(74)
	Some hot Princess Leia look-alike becomes Prime Minister of Ukraine. Again. With "Who'd hit it?" pic	(276)
(The Visitor)	Man loses his friends, loses his pants, breaks into town hall, soils his underwear, dresses up as the Grim Reaper, then gets arrested. Officials report that he was "very drunk"	(53)
	New York Times claims Blackwater shot its dog in Iraq	(183)
	Some call it police brutality, others call it a dumbass getting shot with dummy bullets - either way its caught on tape, and its great	(391)
	Catastrophic meteorite impacts made life flourish. Who made catastrophic meteorite impacts? Chuck Norris	(91)
(Florida Today)	Sending nude pictures of your ex-girfriend to her fiancé and asking for $5,000 is not the way to get even (with mugshot photo)	(138)
	"Pork Vacation Tour" enables you to get a taste of monuments to government-pork spending	(139)
	New Jersey commuters likely to get the shaft as New York's Mayor Bloomberg's push for a Manhattan congestion charge picks up speed	(122)
	Just like your douchebag brother-in-law, Argentinian ants become vegetarians once they go to California	(72)
	Prank caller tricks mental-health facility into activating patients' remote-controlled shock devices. Milgram wanted for questioning	(174)
	Flashing digital billboard along major interstate displays messages such as "I'm Famous," "Hug Me," and the classic "I Talk To Your Wife Everyday" (with images, video)	(65)
	NYC clubs say "ladies night" does not discriminate against men, so the guy trying to sue them for discrimination should grow a pair and stop being such a whiny little biatch	(347)
	A buyer's guide to digital watches, for those of you who still think they're a pretty neat idea	(170)
	Imperial stormtroopers arrest Santa Claus. Emperor Palpatine to take over Christmas	(81)
	World's largest food-service provider says its laying hens will still be confined indoors and have their beaks cut off -- but they'll have a little more space in their cages to roam around in. So that's good	(200)
(Some Guy)	Val Kilmer wants sequel for "Real Genius." Says it's a moral imperative	(226)
	More churches incorporating live donkeys into Nativity scenes, disovering live donkeys want no part of Nativity scenes: "The creature kept going, dragging Joseph behind for several hundred feet before it finally settled down"	(48)
	Today's "coach-of-the-year candidate" story brought to you by Marietta, GA and some pornographically posed reindeer	(54)
	Yahoo recommends "2 girls 1 cup" video as a related link	(366)
(Global Nation)	Whales named as petitioners in lawsuit against oil companies, demand judgement award of 30 billion krill	(19)
(Military.com)	Israel wants the U.S. to give it the first F-35s off the line, Oh, and it also doesn't want to follow the rules required for purchase	(165)
	Nevaeh makes top 20 of Arizona girls' names. ?kcuf eht tahW	(257)
	Natalee Holloway case closed in Aruba (until the next time they reopen it)	(93)
	Japanese company unveils a new phone device that allows you to "speak" through your ear. A future variation is being developed for politicians, once they get past the sanitary issues	(40)
	New energy bill would make incandescent light bulbs illegal. Buy your mercury futures now	(333)
(Miami New Times)	Sex offenders get their own "colony" under a causeway bridge in Miami	(107)
	Ticketmaster plans on getting into the ticket reselling business. Plans on charging you to just think about buying a ticket	(75)
	Health and Safety Nazis in Nanny State prohibit garbagemen from lifting 76-year-old woman's garbage can over four-inch curb, leaving her to do it herself. "It's bureaucracy gone out of control"	(55)
(Some Guy)	Students become more spiritual and more liberal during college	(208)
(Roanoke Times)	Bank of America does what Penn State couldn't to student who wore Virginia Tech victim costume	(519)
	London's attempt to make driving miserable and expensive has succeeded in making driving miserable and expensive	(33)
	Today's second "UK citizens' data loss -- including national insurance numbers and pension contributions" story brought to you by HM Revenue and Customs	(13)
	Record global warming whalloping Canuckistan	(254)
(Some Guy)	Eating soy is good for the boobies. Plus, there'll be more meat left for men to eat	(290)
(Some Girl)	Photoshop this pedal boat	(52)
(EDN)	Consumers are starting to wise up to the "buy something expensive to pretend you're green" trick	(57)
(Some Assist. Principal)	Top 10 teacher sex scandals of 2007. Subby'll be in his bunk with his yearbook	(74)
	Microwave popcorn companies to remove inhalation poison diacetyl from their product. In other news, popcorn has WHAT in it?	(76)
(WGAL)	Man takes on deer intruder in hand-to-hoof combat. "That's when I went on her… I jumped on this deer"	(35)
	Drag queen bingo: When regular bingo just isn't enough	(73)
	Iraq War veteran wants his marijuana back	(71)
	Italian court orders couple not to name their son Friday, tells them to call him Greg instead. The Addams Family unavailable for comment	(76)
	ADHD adults have more money, sex problems, TotalFark accounts	(211)
	Reason No. 37,459 for the Florida tag: Dad arrested for beating seven-year-old boy over pink fingernail polish on nails	(98)
(Earth Times)	Bear versus human pizza-eating contest prompts PETA protest, manbearpig sightings	(51)
	U.S. cancer death rates fall by two percent. Still no cure for... er... your dog wants chemo	(15)
(Some Guy)	Free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, free meal, prison	(64)
(Metro.co.uk)	UNICEF chooses a wedding picture as their photo of the year. Think about it	(381)
	It turns out the toy you bought your kid for Christmas has been recalled due to lead paint? Do you: A) Return it? B) Throw it away? C) Give it to the poor?	(39)
(Some Guy)	Because the massive media conglomerates have demonstrated so amply their ability to maintain effective, unbiased news coverage even with near-monopoly control, communications regulators ready to loosen media ownership rules even further	(45)
	Grand jury decides not to indict off-duty sheriff's deputy who shot and killed a man during a road rage incident after the victim threw a cigarette butt that landed on his car	(190)
	Japan's top government spokesman says UFOs exist	(86)
(MaineToday.com)	Maine man mounts homemade snow plow to the front of his 1998 Honda Civic. "The only drawback is I can't hit a snowbank hard or the car airbags could go off." Yankee ingenuity indeed	(70)
	British residents were healthier in Middle Ages than they are today, survey finds. The latest damning indictment of socialized health care and society where only criminals have guns	(129)
	Frank Drebin alive and well and still shooting actors	(41)
(Some Guy)	County school board rejects evolution-only teaching. Says one member: "I'd probably ideally like to keep it all out of the classroom. If it's going to create this much controversy, how important is it?"	(805)
	Today's "loss of millions of citizen's data records in the UK" story brought to you by the Driving Standards Agency	(24)
(The Daily Gazette)	Woman, 82, lived as a man since age 19. Why? She "had no money and a woman’s wages 60 years ago were not enough to keep me alive"	(52)
	Not news: Man in car arrested at DUI checkpoint. News: He is a state employee on government business. Fark: His drunk passenger is the director of California's parole board	(26)
(Statesman.com)	Texas capitol temporarily used for something useful: An iPod dance party	(28)
	Why did 300 soldiers get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks -- who just sent them into Iraq	(102)
(Some Guy)	It's all fun and games until the cops raid the wrong house based on a bad tip and get shot at by the homeowner	(218)
(WAVY TV-10 News)	Woman busted after posting video to MySpace of her coaxing her two-year-old kid to smoke cigarette and curse (with mugshot)	(76)
	Bank gives employees $1000 each, as long as they spend it on someone in need, and videotape it. Didn't Oprah do the same thing?	(32)
	Eight-foot-high park bench suddenly appears in lower Manhattan	(37)
	Another study reveals people don't like traffic in Atlanta	(56)
	"Baby wranglers" describe annual competition for acceptable baby Jesuses for nightly live Nativity scenes. "The earrings might give people a clue"	(23)
(Some Guy)	Former British WWII pilot fights to save Berlin church he bombed six decades earlier	(19)
	Finally someone has the guts to say it: Working on Christmas Eve is pointless	(110)
	Australia to send ship armed with .50-calibre machineguns to "gather evidence" of Japan's illegal whaling activities	(98)
	Guys: Wearing nothing but a pink bikini and riding an elevator in Singapore will get you a $7,500 fine and a day in jail	(24)
	Amsterdam to shut down "Red Light" district, preferring upscale tourists who visit the city's churches	(115)
(Om nom nom nom)	Photoshop this crevasse	(60)
	Denver cop leaves inmate alone in van during stop at a gas station. Keys? In the ignition. Inmate? Gone like spit on a hot skillet	(46)
	Those silly Brits will try to have sex with anything. First a bike, then a fence, now... the pavement	(61)

Mon December 17, 2007

	Cops in Rancho Cordova are scaring the $#% out of people in order to give them a gift certificate for a hot, steaming cup of $#%	(144)
	Health-conscious Santa Claus refuses to wear pillow under his costume because he says it promotes child obesity	(110)
	American to Isle of Man: "I am your king". Isle of Man to American: "We didn't know we had a king. We didn't vote for you"	(175)
	Any state could give you a heartwarming tale of a mother and son spending Christmas together, but leave it to Florida to make that "together time" a botched robbery, high-speed chase and a shootout	(22)
	Woman stabs boyfriend with car key, proving that she really has no grasp of what he meant by "turn me on"	(35)
(Daily Princetonian)	Francisco Nava, the Princeton University student who was allegedly assaulted for being a member of a conservative student group, now admits that he made the whole thing up	(143)
(Some devastatingly sexy swordsman)	"They may appear to be dentists or clerks, but deep down they are actually fierce swordsmen or goddesses with devastating sex appeal"	(180)
	Time reports on the secret and sultry life of trees	(61)
	Pamela Anderson files for divorce after getting over her hangover	(111)
	"Fifth taste" proposed by scientists. No word as to a fifth of what	(136)
	Fidel Castro announces he will "no longer hold on to power", will devote more free time to search for brraaaaaiiiiiinnnss	(185)
	Man barricades himself in his basement and calls 911 after his wife shoots and kills his flat-screen TV	(51)
	Hon, get behind the truck and tell me when I'm clear of the garage. Hon? Hon?	(70)
	Bush: "It's OK for Iran to get nukewler materials from Russia"	(143)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this begoggled man	(128)
	This Christmas, give the gift of insanity	(108)
(Body Two)	Not news: Person gets breast implants. News: Man gets breast implants. Fark: He gets them in his leg	(123)
	For some strange reason, school cancels Roger Clemens' speech entitled "My Vigorous Workout: How I Played So Long"	(172)
	Ron Paul raises $6 million on Sunday, thus enabling him to move his eventual concession speech from the parking lot of a Hackensack office building to a Chuck E. Cheese down the street	(886)
(Some Guy)	Woman fulfills husband's dying wish by taking his ashes to Steeler game. The way they're playing this year, she's lucky they didn't ask him to suit up and start as a lineman	(97)
(Denton Record-Chronicle)	Eff me, it's a leprechaun	(76)
(The school)	About that student suspended for using Firefox -- he doesn't exist	(142)
	Sixty-three years ago today, the Battle of the Bulge began. "Just pull your vehicle behind me... I'm the 82nd Airborne, and this is as far as the bastards are going"	(343)
(Arthur's Hall)	How tree-hugging hippies are destroying the environment	(254)
	One of Britan's highest police chiefs makes the news once again. Last time it was when he called for all drugs to be legal, this time it's because he broke into headquarters to test how the security was during remodeling	(34)
(TMZ)	Michael Jackson seen shopping at a bookstore in Las Vegas. And there is something very, very wrong with his face. Even for Michael Jackson. (With pic)	(326)
	"The federal budget deficit would have been 69 percent higher than the $162.8 billion reported two months ago if the government had used the same accounting methods as private companies"	(227)
	Norway's carbon emissions up 80 percent, despite the country having ratified the Kyoto treaty and pinkie-promised to reduce them	(139)
(Las Vegas Sun)	New Jersey bans the death penalty. Persons convicted of capital murder will instead be sentenced to life term of picking up syringes off the beaches of Wildwood	(128)
(Think Progress)	Possibly the least intelligent Right Wing Media Product is "The War on ____", whereby white upper middle class Christians can feel persecuted without having to actually do anything. This week it's Tony Snow and the War on God	(766)
(Some Guy)	9 year old drives dad having a heart attack 10 miles to cell phone range	(63)
(Slice of SciFi)	When will the Television and Film writer's strike end? The answer may be in David Letterman's pants	(103)
(Some Guy)	562 Farmers live in Manhattan, cultivating the land and weeding out the muggers	(56)
	One determined writer takes on one of life's most interesting questions: "Could a morbidly obese goalie shut out an NHL team?"	(207)
(Some Guy)	American malls collecting tons of beer and poutine-stained clothing left behind by Canadians, who change into newly-bought ones to avoid paying taxes at border	(105)
	Bank robber found walking along street outside of the bank with wads of cash and a demand note in his pocket and a degree from Duke on his wall	(21)
	Canada is off the wagon	(105)
	If the old line about a conservative being a liberal who got mugged holds true, then GOP ranks in the House will be increasing by one	(151)
(Florida Today)	If you're going to drink and drive on a suspended license, it might not be a good idea to drive your SUV into someone's home (With wonderful mug shot of this smiling goofball)	(28)
	New species discovered in Indonesia now include a giant rat that scientists say is actually as big as the ones New Yorkers swear they see in their apartments	(47)
	Brady Bunch star threatens to separate from his wife. Dumbass tag applies to the fact that it's over hot lesbian pics she had taken for his birthday	(372)
	A childhood Xmas classic, but how it would be made today. Now with extra flamethrowers. Animation by Adult Swim	(74)
	The AFI released its list of the 10 best films of the year that nobody has seen	(136)
	Fair and BalBOOM	(255)
	Iraq complains about Turkey bombing. With Allah as their witness, they thought they could fly	(52)
	French President Sarkozy making it much harder to make fun of France	(139)
	So there ain't no beatin' that holiday feelin', when he says "Shut up" to you	(40)
	Archaeologists dug in a Nashville yard for four hours looking for the body of a man President Andrew Jackson killed in a duel. They didn't find the body but did unearth two empty cans of Skoal, a tire, some Budweiser cans and a boot	(40)
(Burnley Express)	Boy dyed red after close encounter with snowman ... well it is Christmas	(36)
	Man survives fall from forty-seventh floor. Darwin overheard muttering "that guy is hardcore"	(74)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop an election campaign poster for a Fark cliche. Difficulty: No actual politicians. LGN	(282)
	Pregnant widow leaves house for 7.5 hours. Comes back to find volunteers have renovated it and upgraded her furniture	(64)
	Iran shuts down 24 internet cafes "using immoral computer games, storing obscene photos ... and the presence of women wearing improper hijab". Oh yeah	(464)
	Mall has strip club hidden downstairs. In related news, local men mysteriously volunteering to do last-minute Christmas shopping	(81)
	Report states that two of Norway's top Defense figures got free trips to sex clubs in Amsterdam. What kind of benefits does YOUR job offer?	(97)
(Times of India)	Vatican finally snaps out of it, adds a pub to its nativity scene	(82)
(The Age)	In North America, the groundhog forecasts the coming of spring. In Australia, they wait for the first Goth of summer to appear	(136)
	Grandma got run over by an airbag: Car accident rescuers fail to notice the body of an elderly woman who was extracted from the wreckage a day later at the impound yard	(76)
	When the cops show up at your door, how do you avoid the taser? A) Greet them warmly and welcome them inside B) Ask them what's going on C) Pepper spray and charge them with a machete	(63)
	You know it's Christmas party season when you come into work to an email which starts "This morning the Office Manager informed me that last night two people were caught enjoying 'relations' on one of their desks"	(75)
(KXAS-5)	Man displays meteorite that he says reveals the face of Jesus, subby thinks it's more like LBJ. Creedence Clearwater Revival unavailable for comment	(100)
	Fark's second-favorite anchorwoman busted in NYC for punching a female police officer in the face	(55)
	Mike Huckabee's son is a fatter, whiter, balder Michael Vick	(310)
	Thousands of British doctors outsourcing their own jobs to India, where hospitals are better equipped and germ free	(70)
(Daily Record)	Old and busted : Chewbacca defense. New and shiny : Loch Ness Monster defense	(27)
	The longest headline you'll see this week	(87)
(Some Guy)	Sorry, the Land of Opportunity is currently only accepting applications from billionaires. We will keep your resume on file if any positions in the field of huddled masses become available	(197)
	Forbes magazine releases list of world's most influential toddlers and captains of nap industry	(10)
(Some Guy)	Attention British taxpayers: your hard-earned money is funding an ostrich farm in Iran	(43)
	Now the rumors are true about Jennifer Love Hewitt; she's pregnant	(174)
(bakersfield.com)	Today's Catholic high school debate coach having sex with a student of undetermined gender brought you by Bakersfield, California	(71)
(Some Guy)	Nanny State town that plugged itself as a "safety town" due to its high numbers of speed cameras found to be one of the most dangerous places to drive in that European backwater	(93)
	French reporter kidnapped in Somalia. Don't panic, it's not Mélissa Theuriau	(79)