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Sun December 09, 2007
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Anti-Gay Boy Scout Leader, who sued Berkeley, CA, arrested for... what else? Molesting boys | (76) |
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Wintertime in the Midwest can only mean one thing. It's waterpark season | (35) |
| (Island Packet) |  |
If you're going to rob a bank, don't ask for directions from the city councilman's law firm | (8) |
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Supermarket tries to attract customers with new high-tech and lightweight carts; customers treat them as lovely parting gifts for them to take home | (97) |
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An anonymous bidder paid $54,000 for a rare bottle of 81-year-old single malt scotch whisky. Now we know why Drew's been saving all those $5 bills for all these years | (62) |
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63-year-old woman arrested for trying to bring loaded gun, knife and some sharp scissors into Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park (with today's scary mug pic) | (97) |
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Thanks to standardized testing, safety concerns, and rising gas prices, grade-school field trips are becoming extinct | (171) |
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Soldier recovering from leg amputation can't decide if he'll stay in the army. "Right now, I'm leaning against it" | (114) |
| (Bah Humbug!) |  |
RIAA forces charity to pay copyright fee so kids can sing carols | (148) |
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Price of hops hops 400%. Drinkers of real beer to pay the price | (166) |
| (Virginian-Pilot) |  |
Pat Robertson hands over day-to-day operations of CBN to his son. May concentrate on getting a negative tractor disrupter for his spaceship | (53) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Helga Zepp-LaRouche says that what is playing out these days on the international financial markets is unprecedented. We find ourselves in an advanced phase of the greatest collapse in the history of financial markets | (89) |
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Gunmen open fire at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Mike Jones unavailable for comment, for once | (654) |
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Pickton trial jury comes back with verdict of six counts of second degree murder, lucrative book and appearance contracts | (69) |
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Sweet and sour emotions as group contesting their aunt's will are denied in their wonton greed. Also ordered to pay court costs, and Dim Sum | (36) |
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Photoshop these gangsters | (69) |
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Column writer finds article on how to squirrel-proof homes, replaces "squirrels" with "teens" and mails in his column. Surprisingly, it's still very accurate | (53) |
| (Tribune-Review) |  |
Redneck wedding couple marries in muddy demolition derby arena, exchange vows standing on top of derby cars. Bride: "I'm ready to smash into a whole bunch of stuff" | (55) |
| (Traverse City Record Eagle) | |
Turkey falls through man's third-story bedroom window, leaves trail of destruction. "Turkeys -- you don't see them jetting across the sky," says maintenance worker called to scene | (43) |
| (M&C) | |
3 killed, 50 injured and up to 100 buried as building under demolition decides it doesn't need any help | (28) |
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Catastrophe narrowly averted after hundreds of dangerous explosives were defused before being sent to British soilders. The explosives? Crackers | (50) |
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What can you do? The parrot just won't pay his parking fine | (62) |
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Brawndo is becoming an actual beverage. It's got Electrolytes | (191) |
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Kids are turning away from marijuana and more of them are abstaining from sex as today's youth become more conservative. Suck it liberal geezers, they respect your lawn | (172) |
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Headline: "Primary school bans Christmas cards claiming they cause 'hurt feelings.'" Article: "In no way have we banned Christmas cards from school." | (69) |
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"Dead" man's wife arrested after going to Panama with her very-much-alive husband. Authorities invite them both to a dead man's party | (49) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Blind woman hit by car wins $500K from jury. "I never saw the car coming," says woman | (35) |
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It's not truly winter until the first person overreacts and calls the hazmat team when a letter falls on the rock salt coated sidewalk | (63) |
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If you lost a truck with $100,000 of tequila in it, the police would like you to know that they've successfully recovered your empty truck | (31) |
| (CentralOhio.com) | |
Just as people in glass houses should not throw stones, people carrying marijuana shouldn't throw snowballs at cars | (33) |
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McDonald's workers dismayed to discover that their drive-thru can also be used as a climb-thru | (33) |
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Slideshow: why you should never piss off your painter | (135) |
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Gunman wounds four in missionary center. Reverse cowgirl headquarters on lockdown | (57) |
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Services to begin for Omaha mall victims. Tasteful memorial established between Orange Julius and Victoria's Secret | (78) |
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A 20-foot tall Menorah next to a 7-foot tall Christmas Tree? That's not kosher | (97) |
| (Some Broke Guy) | |
Ric Romero gets the scoop again, "Credit card use leads to rise in consumer borrowing" | (51) |
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The pot cave is now the cheese cave | (47) |
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Tyna Robertson, Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher's baby momma, ordered to pay "Lord of the Dance" star Michael Flatley an $11 million settlement for a false rape claim and extortion | (123) |
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Pedophile suspect has violent outburst in courtroom, forced to wear strange anti-spitting mask (with hiliarious pic). Guess where? | (191) |
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Funeral director refuses to allow WWII vet's coffin to be lifted during funeral, citing potential back problems for pallbearers | (55) |
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No joker: this king of the record books builds a 25-foot skyscraper out of cards. You might think he's doesn't know jack, but he's an ace of his trade. Queen | (59) |
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Drunks spilling booze, overweight relatives breaking furniture and overused plumbing will cause £400million in damage to British homes this Christmas | (18) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this subway car and looking man | (65) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
♫ Taliban on the run/Talibaaaaaaaaaaan on the runnnnnnn ♫ | (54) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Guys smuggling ten pounds of pot are arrested after they tailgate a police car. You're doing it wrong | (45) |
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Charles and Camilla have a new filly. No, really | (26) |
| (Daily Yomiuri) | |
Japanese scientists invent superstrong, superelastic spider-silk socks by extracting genes from spider web thread and injecting them into silkworm eggs. If only there were a movie to dramatize results of this process | (86) |
| (Some Creeped-out TFette) | |
"You know what your newborn needs, Janice? A pair of beanbag pillows shaped like disembodied hands." (oh, yes, there are pictures) | (75) |
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A metric ass-load of crazy here. Crazy, but you'd still hit it | (253) |
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Slow news day, tortoise escapes yard when gate left open | (27) |
| (KOMU) |  |
Mayor orders police officer to stop arresting drunk drivers and giving minor traffic citations. In other news, submitter just found a new hometown | (133) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Indian man makes run for world's biggest douche by tricking his grandson into shooting grandma with the old "it's a toy gun" trick | (52) |
| (Rapid City Journal) | |
"The lion must have been equally surprised. It could have been way bad, if it would have slipped and fell in the tub with me" | (76) |
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The latest western outsourcing to India is... shuffles tarot cards... fertile wombs | (81) |
| (Some PaRumpa PaRum) | |
Photoshop these drummerboys | (48) |
Sat December 08, 2007
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Another unexpected consequence of rising fuel costs: crematorium only half-burns bodies, dumps the rest out back | (75) |
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Today's women 'would rather look sexy than be clever' | (649) |
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Oooo Aaahh ooohhh Aaarrghh | (55) |
| (Captain Obvious) | |
Stop the presses: unarmed mall security cops with no police training are inadequate for preventing attacks | (111) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Vegan inmates finding more options for keeping meat out of their orifices | (99) |
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When trying to hire a hitman to off your husband, you might want to make sure he's not an undercover state trooper, or judging from the pic, Greedo | (134) |
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Man arrested for 18 armed robberies applies to be cop for the department that arrested him | (41) |
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, whose life was hanging by a thread after stepping on a power line? | (185) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Middle school raises $46,000 for a library renovation by letting students pay per swing to smash up the old one with sledgehammers | (37) |
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Aruba prosecutor mulls closing Holloway case, although doing so would cause significant layoffs in the van der Sloot-arresting industry | (38) |
| (EarthTimes) | |
Woman trying to retrieve something from under the bed finds something, feels curved...like a triggerBLAM | (53) |
| (Zombo) | |
Zombo finally adds huge free game library. It's incredible. Links all available after the intro finishes | (278) |
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Step 1: Crash boat into rocky shore. Step 2: Leave boat there for over a month. Step 3: Boat becomes tourist attraction. Step 4: Profit? | (39) |
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Not news: Man teaches photography classes. Direct-to-Fark: To the blind | (43) |
| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) | |
Ho-hum: Christian youth education club. Ho-ho: Activities include teen boys wearing diapers, sitting in girls' laps; girls eating pudding from diapers | (100) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Let's see how Sylvia Browne did in her predictions for 2007 | (189) |
| (The Politico) | |
Mike Huckabee believes that homosexuality is "aberrant" and "sinful," and that all HIV positive citizens should be isolated from the general population. GOP primary win secured | (685) |
| (WISN) | |
Energy-efficient LED Christmas tree lights are a big hit with city squirrels | (65) |
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Father meets teenage daughter he never knew he had. Does he: a) jump for joy; b) hug her and catch up on the times they've missed or c) sexually assault her while she's sleeping | (199) |
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If someone wants you to bring $22,000 cash for a Porsche advertised on craigslist, it's probably a robbery | (33) |
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Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds or from stealing your cash filled Christmas cards | (27) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop something emerging from the forest | (109) |
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Paddington Bear will mark his 50th birthday by being arrested and questioned about his immigration status. Wait, what? | (22) |
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The Smoking Gun: demolishing our faith in humanity one mug shot at a time | (247) |
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Louisville post office will end tradition of sharing "Dear Santa" letters from needy kids with the public, because they can't tell if they really are from kids or if they're from scumbags running a scam | (53) |
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40% of pollsters say 30% cell phone usage is making taking polls difficult 84% of the time. 70% agree that poll participation is down 20%. Margin of error may be as high as 50%. The chance that they will call during dinner still 100% | (59) |
| (Some Guy) | |
One-legged Vietnam vet captures escaped, naked prisoner and holds him for police. Proving there's at least one sane American left, he says, "I didn't know whether to take my gun or my cell phone. I took my cell phone" | (62) |
| (News-Leader) | |
Not news: Girl graduates highschool. News: Three years early. Fark: And is brainwashed into believeing she is a vampire | (167) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Collection of 3,364 TV theme songs for your listening pleasure | (205) |
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The Federal Government starts an investigation of a huge danger in the workplace: Panda costumes | (26) |
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Phil Spector gets new lawyer, hairdo. (With ventriloquist/dummy pic) | (46) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Brothel workers found to be surprisingly well educated...and it's not all liberal arts degrees, either | (55) |
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When robbing a business, don't leave a receipt with your name and address behind | (11) |
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Family bird lives twice as long as average, credits love of whiskey. "After a couple of sips he gets all happy and starts singing, but if he goes over his limit he starts biting" | (42) |
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Former mayor suggests bicyclists that venture out in a snowstorm be shot | (107) |
| (Some Guy) | |
For Sale: 17-room house for $895,000. Includes 6 bedrooms, 3½ baths, game room, den, 3 fireplaces, and 3000 square foot basement purification center. May have residual thetans sticking to walls | (62) |
| (Iceland Review) | |
Most traffic accidents in Iceland found to happen on Friday afternoon. Nation's motorist vows to be more careful around that time in future | (19) |
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The first use of a law passed in the aftermath of Megan Meier's suicide might be to protect the very person accused of baiting her into suicide | (250) |
| (Spiegel.de) | |
If the power goes out in Europe at 7:00 p.m. GMT, you'll have these asshats and their cunning plan to thank for it | (58) |
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Three cops tasered in Australia...by God | (42) |
| (If You Like Pina Coladas) | |
LAST CALL: Dallas-Fort Worth Fark Party Saturday night at 8pm in Irving. LGN/DIT | (57) |
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Today's teacher/student hookup brought to you by Fark's favorite state. No pic, but it is a good bet the teacher could never win a Super Bowl | (61) |
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Good: Man successfully earns new Guinness World Record book. Bad: He wasn't trying. Fark: The record was for Greatest Distance Thrown in a Car Accident | (47) |
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Club launches £35,000 cocktail. Style guru provides full endorsement of this decision - "It is so gauche, so crashingly crass, that everyone else will see the buyers as barely literate, as one step up from a potato" | (76) |
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Blankets now deemed a security risk at concerts. Linus inconsolable | (45) |
| (Some Surfer Dude) | |
Photoshop this brave surfer | (53) |
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Cat is revived after getting frozen solid outdoors, then thawed. With frosty pic of "Little Popsicle." I can has warm blankee? | (497) |
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"Teen pleads guilty in pedestrian death." Vows to kill again with more panache | (85) |
| (Some Guy) | |
If you think Baby Jesus was born in the North Pole, a mall, or Phoenix, you're not alone | (122) |
| (thisisplymouth) | |
Barn owl in car chase ordeal. Ya, rly | (31) |
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♬ Hold the condoms, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us ♫ | (42) |
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Scottish mail carriers efficiently delivering a mountain of Christmas cards and gifts this December. From Christmas 2006 | (15) |
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PETA calling for boycott of M&Ms. Good news though, you can eat all the ones with "Ws" you want | (191) |
| (Sun Herald) | |
Police called twice to break up fights at Buddhist Temple. You're doing it wrong | (28) |
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British resort bans sale of blow-up sex dolls to improve its image. Nanny State Farkers rush off to furiously cancel Christmas holiday bookings | (39) |
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Inhaling aerosolized pig brains may be hazardous to your health | (85) |
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Scores of senior citizen patrons join "mission" to get Debbie Lafave her restaurant job back | (63) |
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"Don't tase me, bro" available as ringback tone from Verizon. Experts say this is a sure sign of the coming apocalypse | (67) |
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Western states like Colorado get up to two feet of snow in December blizzard, disrupting residents' weekend rodeos and keenly-awaited plans to sit around in diners drinking coffee and saying 'Yup' a lot | (73) |
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If you're in the donkey business, it's a seller's market in Gaza right now | (34) |
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Dodge Challenger buyers lining up to pay $20,000 over sticker price | (191) |
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Photoshop this old Russian silo thingie | (47) |
| (Some Guy) | |
China, the words 2nd leading country in greenhouse gas emissions, says that global warming is everyone else's problem and of no concern of theirs | (196) |
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Create a name for a new breakfast cereal derived from your login. Bonus for slogan. LGN | (758) |
Fri December 07, 2007
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Gas station employee accidentally changes the price of a gallon of gas to 33 cents then leaves for the night. Hillarity ensues | (147) |
| (Bloomberg) | |
Churches win this round of the War on Christmas: Walmart brings back Santa. Santa is what Christmas is about, right? | (82) |
| (KMGB 9 News) | |
Wal-Mart pulls SuperBad DVDs packed with fake Hawaii driver's licenses | (82) |
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Officials blame Pennsylvania bridge collapse on heavy truck. Or possibly gravity | (60) |
| (Some Whopper) | |
The reason Americans eat so much crap is because healthy food costs 10 times as much as junk food on a per calorie basis. We aren't lazy, we're frugal...yeah, that's it | (355) |
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Omaha mall killer's suicide notes released. "I'm so sorry," he wrote. The Smoking Gun is there | (463) |
| (Big Head DC) | |
Teen won't say how he figured out President Bush's secret phone number | (381) |
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Columnist claims that there are fewer Pearl Harbor survivors alive today that at any time since the attack. Thanks for clearing that up for us | (112) |
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Texas town outlaws suburban sex clubs, including one that features "Naked Twister" nights. Participant grumbles "It's crazy that they want to force their morality down our throats. We're all frustrated." | (95) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Two young women researchers are calling for a new form of sexual ethics that would allow women to have casual sex without feeling that they're "sluts" | (356) |
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Third suspect in Holloway case released. Everyone agrees to meet back at courthouse this time next year to go through the same circus all over again | (41) |
| (Some Rich Swede) | |
Tiger Woods' wife wins $183,000 settlement in lawsuit over nude photos. Maybe now they can finally afford that new car they always wanted | (91) |
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Oil down below $90 a barrel on news that we're just dumping it in the ocean | (45) |
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Democrats unleash the farking fury over destroyed CIA tapes | (297) |
| (NBC5i.com) | |
Top 10 reasons why people like top 10 lists. Bonus: It's from a credible source | (43) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The only thing going up faster than the price of gas is the price of Christmas trees | (50) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Having no gang violence, or crime, Local television stations in Utah have had to resort to writing stories about flamewars between scrapbookers | (71) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this man and his new t-shirt | (64) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Todays teacher having sex with a student isn't a teacher, she's the school nurse. With sorta would hit it picture | (171) |
| (Fox 5 Atlanta) | |
Man defends family from armed robbers. Turns out he was insured by Smith & Wesson | (570) |
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Five ways to keep your man from straying. Oddly enough steak and BJ's not on the list | (615) |
| (Some Raptured Respirator) | |
Doctor discovers man's chest pains the result of having Jesus trapped in his ribcage | (186) |
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One man shot, one plastic snowman decapitated after neighborly argument in... wait for it... all together now... Florida | (47) |
| (International Herald Tribune) | |
Young Danes leaving their homeland, leading to labor shortage in Denmark. Hmmmm, is it the cold, the all-herring diet, or the 63% income tax rate? | (300) |
| (Some Guy) | |
In an effort to reduce crime, police are placing yellow tags on cars in shopping centers that have visible packages inside. Now potential thieves no longer have to look in every car - just the ones tagged by police | (126) |
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Development biologist files suit, claiming he was fired for his religious beliefs. Claims his creationism is in no ways a justifiable reason for firing a developmental biology researcher | (810) |
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Mother shocked, SHOCKED, to find out her precious snowflake does the same things she does. With the same guy | (99) |
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Top environmental hypocrisy of 2007, including jet-setting Al Gore, Kennedys against wind power, and the famously idiotic Football Night in America studio darkness | (467) |
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European airport security is improving: only eight out of nine persons carrying knives and bombs managed to sneak past checkpoint | (32) |
| (TMJ4) | |
Milwaukee mayor is shocked, SHOCKED to hear that free porn is available in the City Hall magazine racks | (118) |
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Cougar prowling Dallas area neighborhood. Local teachers don't like the competition | (85) |
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Missing McDonald's manager found tied up in car. Hamburglar wanted for questioning | (44) |
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Early copy of Magna Carta on sale in NYC. "King John was forced to sign it on this very spot." "When?" "1215." "Shoot, just missed it by a half hour" | (78) |
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Man receives gas bill addressed to Antonio Dickhead Arseface | (93) |
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Old and busted: White college kids partying in blackface. New hotness: Penn State kids wearing Virginia Tech shirts with bullet holes in them | (243) |
| (Some Hungry Guy) | |
After a busy morning of three armed robberies, a kidnapping and a carjacking, armed robber needs the kind of delicious and creative breakfast that can only be found at IHOP | (23) |
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"I want the media to stop the practice of identifying crazed fame-seekers, such as the gunman who killed eight people Wednesday in an Omaha mall before taking his own life. Don't release their names or photos" | (214) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Nothing puts you in the mood for Christmas quite like getting into a snowblower duel with your 72-year-old neighbor | (72) |
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Suspected in his wife's disappearance for more than a month, Drew Peterson's biggest concern is that his face is on a pinata | (77) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Kid secretly records cops trying to pressure him into confession. Cops deny talking to the kid without parents or lawyer, until lawyer busts out the recording. Give the gift of iPerjure | (395) |
| (Siren was my favorite) | |
The silver lining to the writers strike: "American Gladiators" returns in January | (249) |
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The Amazing Kreskin says he knows who will be the next U.S. president. In a related news story, the Amazing Kreskin is still alive | (136) |
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Indian judge summons two Hindu gods to appear personally in court. Oh, Flying Tandoori Monster, touch us with your spicy appendage | (80) |
| (Albany Times Union) | |
Five days before he died, a seven-year-old boy was made an honorary firefighter. Here's his story, from last weekend. Subby recommends the full box of Kleenex | (349) |
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Mayor Bloomberg: Crime in NYC is down to record lows.... Hey. Where's my Lexus? I parked it right here | (69) |
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You simply take my breath away. When we come together, my heart stops, and I feel like time itself has come to a standstill. Being with you brings me one step closer to heaven. Here's to 25 years together | (176) |
| (Asbury Park Press) | |
Pearl Harbor vets honored 66 years after the Germans bombed them ... or something like that | (200) |
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"Where millions of Jewish boys and girls, light candles, eat potato pancakes, get a gift and wish they were Christians." | (223) |