Sun November 04, 2007
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Cops learning how to extend beats online. Be wary of new Farkers with names like 'hotgurl16' | (96) |
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Photoshop this organ grinder | (69) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
New book deals with incredibly stupid morons who commit crimes. Or as we like to call it around here, Tuesday | (28) |
| (Some Secret Service Guy) |  |
The list of rules for Jenna Bush's book signing include STFU and don't, repeat DON'T EVEN look at Her Royal Bush-ness. Winning the hearts and mind of the public is an art perfectly practiced by the Bush family | (182) |
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Contrary to decades of feminists arguing that pornography promotes sexual violence against women a new study shows that as porn has become more prevalent and easily accessible instances of rape have been plummeting faster then ever before | (479) |
| (Some Guy) | |
In New Zealand, brain damage from alcohol threatens one in five. That's like, more than half | (52) |
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Elderly woman sues her rapist when he wins the lottery 15 years after the crime | (94) |
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Are you keeping a secret from your SO? Here's how to tell them about it... and insure that it will end well | (174) |
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Somebody stole three monkeys from a sanctuary. Police are having a hard time finding witnesses who have seen evil, heard evil, and spoken evil | (34) |
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Man crashes car, gets shot, breaks into a resturant, and strips to his underwear. Just another night in Tennessee | (33) |
| (Some Spamaholic) | |
Study links consumption of processed meat to cancer. Obvious tag unavailable due to previously scheduled angioplasty | (109) |
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Oz teen allowed to take smoke breaks during school on 'Medical grounds'. The poor little angel gets stressed, you see, so it's OK | (143) |
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If you are 77 and have been going to the same store for 40 years, they probably shouldn't ask for your id when you buy alcohol | (135) |
| (Orange County Register) | |
Judge declares city's red light cameras illegal because system is designed to raise revenue rather than promote safety | (223) |
| (Some Colorful Kid) | |
Today's Iron Photoshop challenge: Recreate a classic work of art using only a 16-color palette. (LGT crayons) | (98) |
| (WNEP) | |
Thieves steal 200 solar powered light up crosses from graves. In related news: Homeland Security raises national tackiness level to pink plastic flamingo | (45) |
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Facebook is more popular than porn. Wait, what? | (110) |
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Lights, beings, beams: Just a typical night in Australia's UFO capital | (26) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Completely useless web sites for the hopelessly stupid | (86) |
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68 percent of parents say they have rules about their teen's Internet use. 100 percent of teens surf circles around those rules | (297) |
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Human rights activist arrested for... for... apparently for being too close to Boston when police needed to meet their panic quota | (68) |
| (The Bristol Press) | |
Connecticut city will start picking through people's trash to enforce recycling rules | (89) |
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The wussification of the UK continues, as a man who tackled drunken teen for attempting to break into his house and then turned the teen over to police is arrested for assulting the teen | (394) |
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School pulls student magazine's sex issue due to “offensive” drawings of females. Hope they don’t discover what their female students are doing with those newfangled “cameras” everybody’s talking about | (50) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Thief crawls through air-conditioning ducts, steals four puppies worth $9,000, mutters "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs” | (56) |
| (New Britain Herald) | |
Connecticut company launches bottled water for dogs; America is going to hell | (90) |
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d-_-b >> |-_-| | (81) |
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Not news: Six Arabic speaking passengers detained by airline after passenger complains. News: They are suing over the "public humiliation". Fark: They were in the U.S. training Marines in Camp Pendleton | (390) |
| (The Cheers) | |
Gangs in US: from crime syndications to freedom fighters? | (77) |
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In honor of the upcoming world sporting event almost 3,500 Chinese parents have named their children "Olympics" | (60) |
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THIS is the way to get back at your ex-partner - implicate him in mass-murder. BONUS: She's a journo, so it must be true | (31) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
It's Wil versus The Baconator in the battle for Best Celebrity Blogger | (69) |
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Man who sets bouncer on fire at strip club called "disgruntled" | (39) |
| (WMTW.com) | |
Woman wins a home in front of a stadium crowd, then has it taken away. Not yours | (104) |
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Youth Minister of the First Baptist Church At The Mall caught paying minors for sex. I love the smell of moral hypocrisy in the morning | (150) |
| (NWF Daily News) |  |
Remember the $53k strip club trip? Looks like someone's getting a $39,000 refund. Oh, and for bonus points, the state is contemplating a whopping $250 fine. Ah, Florida, how I love thee | (38) |
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First the good news: Teen hit by car is fine, able to walk away and leap road barrier. The bad news: second car ends teen's road barrier leaping career | (30) |
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Actual headline - Sperm donor reforms 'long time coming'. Better that than coming prematurely | (33) |
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\______[0]______ It's cool | (108) |
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Photoshop this scarecrowboy | (54) |
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Instead of wielding swords and muskets, modern pirates rely on Kalashnikov assault rifles and RRRRRRRRRRRRPGs | (52) |
| (wisn.com) | |
Today's story of a 4 y/o bringing mom's marijuana to school, brought to you by Milwaukee | (30) |
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Cricket player whips out gun, shoots opponent during match -- in Orlando, Florida | (65) |
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October 2007 was the first month in 3 years that the United States hasn't had an execution | (76) |
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Hurricane-fahce wind knawcks out powah to eastern Mass | (70) |
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Man arrested for attacking body in open casket during funeral | (38) |
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Man stabs sportsman to death because he could not give him the time. "The guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I sometimes take my anger out on other people" | (57) |
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Don't forget to turn back the clocks, and try not to worry about your increased death rate with the time change. Sleep tight | (60) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Woman walks into sheriff's office to report drug activity -- specifically, the crack she was smoking in her car before she walked in (with mugshot) | (47) |
Sat November 03, 2007
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The latest thing thing to damage Beijing's image is... live donkey meat ads? | (57) |
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Photoshop theme: A political campaign that panders to geeks | (65) |
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World's smallest horse--ever--embarks on national tour of children's hospitals after owners discover she loves sick kids | (68) |
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Officials getting hard on teacher sex. So are the students | (58) |
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Today's 100 car pile-up brought to you by Fresno, California | (168) |
| (Some Skeptical Guy) | |
Actual headline: Suspect says pants caused fire | (48) |
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Ethiopia introduces coffee-flavored condoms: you want cream with that? | (94) |
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Ever wanted your own 500 mph jet? These guys just made that dream a little closer | (121) |
| (WBAL) | |
Today's truck spilling cargo onto interstate comes to us from St. Clairsville, Ohio. Double bonus: Trailer filled with live monkeys | (88) |
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Photoshop this chili pepper | (102) |
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♪So tape that golden wing♪ And learn to fly again♪ And learn to live so free♪: Astronaut repairs wing on space station | (56) |
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Having solved all other crimes in the area, police decide to press charges on 72-year old woman for having an illegal yard sale | (122) |
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MTV's Don Vito has a meltdown in a Colorado courtroom. After he's convicted of groping young teen girls, Bam's uncle collapses, screams "Just kill me now" and spews a barrage of f-bombs before deputies drag him to jail | (320) |
| (M&C) | |
Techie, wrongly jailed due to incorrect information provided by his ISP, only held three weeks after the correct suspects were arrested | (107) |
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Two-mile long fixer-upper cave with cathedral ceilings being auctioned by authorities. Complete hydroponic history available upon request | (49) |
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Priest destroys art fresco after becoming offended at Saint Luke's depiction as an ox, complete with testicles | (64) |
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Judge who decided the outcome of a case with a coin toss, and who ordered a woman to "drop her pants," suddenly finds himself looking for work | (38) |
| (TG Daily) | |
Researchers announce that they are attempting to create accurate three-dimensional maps of major cities...using millions of vacation photos from Flickr | (46) |
| (Setexas Record) | |
When it comes to bizarre legal proceedings, shows like Boston Legal can't hold a candle to real-life weirdness | (20) |
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Woman prays to douglas fir trees. God responds by growing a cross in the tree and saving her husband's genitals from Fournier's Gangrene | (47) |
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25-year-old Nebraska teacher busted in Mexico while in the company of her 13-year-old "boyfriend" | (86) |
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Man sues Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency over loss of penis, perhaps didn't read the small print | (31) |
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Runner dies during marathon trials, found by a guy going to the store for a pack of smokes and a box of Ho Hos | (77) |
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Women with otherwise perfect breasts demanding implants so they too can look like hookers and porn stars | (204) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The coolest origami you're likely to see all day | (55) |
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City closes porn store by buying it. City employees applaud the effort and vow to put in long hard hours searching for their next target | (41) |
| (KSAT) | |
University of Texas student, who's MySpace page states she's a strip club dancer, is planning an on-campus porn club. In other news, requests for admission to the U of T have increased by 275% in the last day or two | (106) |
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Train A leaves Indianapolis for Nashville. Train B leaves Nasvhille for Indianapolis. If they collided in Goodlettsville at 11:15, why aren't the tracks further apart? | (28) |
| (Some Limey) | |
Police surprised to discover that one of their parking meter readers was a former terrorist | (15) |
| (Daily Express) | |
Prison offers inmates pole vaulting lessons. Wait ... what? | (45) |
| (MyFox NE Wisconsin) | |
Not news: Man robs a McDonalds. News: At the drive-thru window. Fark.com: On a bicycle | (23) |
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President declares martial law, suspends constitution | (366) |
| (Sheboygan Press) | |
Mayor tells woman she's not allowed to put a link to a city web site on her web page | (84) |
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It may be time to reconsider your position as Z-List Celebrity when a survey reveals you to be more irritating than junk-mail, ringtones and hangovers. And James Blunt. And diarrhoea | (121) |
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Pleasantville pimp picks up Pennsylvania prostitutes, presents pubescent prizes to paying people. Police pounce; pounding of pimp's prostate probable | (40) |
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It was 50 years ago that physician-scientist Wilhelm Reich, best known for his discovery of a purported cosmic life force associated with sexual orgasm, died in federal prison, his books burned and his equipment destroyed by the government | (108) |
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Usually, when a patient is curious about a doctor's medical background and asks him about his degrees in medicine, the doctor doesn't respond, "I have them up the ying-yang" | (23) |
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Indonesia's Mount Kelud volcano appears to have erupted. based on seismographic signals. Clouding prevents aerial photo. Over 300,000 people live within six miles of the volcano | (66) |
| (Break.com) |  |
History of LOLCATS revealed. I can haz history? | (478) |
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If you give a man a pizza, he eats for one day. If you give a meth addict $1,500 to burn down your pizza parlor, you give him security-camera failarity and yourself 15 years of jailarity | (30) |
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Jailarity ensues for one-legged mugger in a wheelchair, whose attempts keep getting thwarted because potential victims 'just walk away' | (20) |
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"Heaven can wait. Thanks to the booming business of privatized disaster services, we're getting the Rapture right here on earth" | (47) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this water bird | (49) |
| (WLWT TV.com) | |
My high school fantasy comes true. Cheerleading coach fired over nude pictures of herself and a freshman cheerleader. Pictures of the hittable coach (and cheerleader) included | (247) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Mother's Day will always be strange the moment this kid is old enough to read this article | (69) |
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♫ They see me rollin', they hatin', suspicious 'cause my back tire is on fire ♫ | (22) |
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Irish priests afraid to drive if they celebrate more than one Mass a day in case they get arrested for impaired driving due to consumption of sacramental wine. Father Ted unavailable for comment | (37) |
| (Daily Bulletin) | |
Freeway chase culminates with adult bookstore robber reaching into his waistband for his... dildo. Perplexed policeman; "I have found that type of thing on people many times-but related to an officer-involved shooting? No." | (18) |
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"Cliche trial goes to the jury." I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that he will get his just desserts. This trial is small potatoes compared to the game of hide the salami he'll be playing in prison | (31) |
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"We used to revel in the conceit that Australia was the biggest sergeants mess in the world, its inhabitants genial proles with a taste for mindless vulgarity; now it is hard to name a nation that has ever had it so good as Australia" | (240) |
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9-year-old boy creates a foot-activated toilet seat lifter*. He calls it the "Privy Prop." (*The lack of bad puns in this headline is a direct result of the overabundance of them in the article) | (104) |
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Hot or not? 18 happy female arrestees brought to you by The Smoking Gun | (273) |
Fri November 02, 2007
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Couple discover a secret room in the house they bought. It contained a note that said "You found it'. What they actually found was enough mold to kill a moose. Lawsuitarity ensues | (175) |
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Bus bomb kills 8, injures 50 in Russia | (43) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this ordinary lever | (59) |
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MSNBC provides advice on how to set your clocks back one hour tomorrow night. Refer to your owner's manual, or take it in to the store for help | (76) |
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Firestorms, earthquakes, city blocks suddenly moving to the right, mud slides, sink holes, droughts, and now pipe bomb threats closing down a major highway. San Diego just can't catch a break this year | (42) |
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Judge tosses evidence found in car of Fark's favorite Astro-Nut and every statement she's ever made | (80) |
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Dentist likeys to boogie down while drilling, what could possibly go wrong? | (54) |
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70% of the Mexican state of Tabasco is underwater. Submitter panics and heads south to organize the world's biggest crawfish boil | (115) |
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FBI records show OJ told police in advance about his memorabilia 'sting' and asked them to go with him to get his property back | (67) |
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8 year old twins invent wedgie-proof underwear. Suck it, bullies | (97) |
| (motorists.org) | |
Chemist determines that breathalyzers overstate your BAC by 23%, a fact overlooked by courts due to a misplaced 1985 decimal point | (199) |
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Old & busted: fake news conference by FEMA. New hotness: fake security tests by TSA | (109) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this subway station | (130) |
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North Korea to open first foreign-run restaurant. Just wait until they find out it's all a ploy by an American Colonel | (96) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Self-described “western Kentucky hillbilly” Baptist minister auctioning off contents of "Elvis is Alive" Museum on eBay. He'll have a blue Christmas without it | (42) |
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour Sunday morning for no good reason whatsoever | (307) |
| (CORN HAT) | |
This is your FINAL WARNING: Atlanta FARK party, Sat. Nov. 3rd, The Local, 7 pm | (71) |
| (Some Forker) | |
So, the wife was all like "Fork you," and the husband was like "you did not fork me," but the prosecutor was all up in "No, FORK YOU," but the judge said "Oh no you didn't" | (77) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Police officer takes up personal crusade to punish "drunk" drivers. Meaning, he arrests anyone who drives away from a bar, including those with a 0.00 BAC. It only took a few years before the police department did anything about it | (616) |
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Four PA siblings collect 115 pounds of candy on 6 night trick or treat binge. "I couldn't wait to tell everyone at school, my friends were all jealous." Plan to donate some to Scouting for Food Program | (58) |
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Gov. Spitzer says we should give driver's licenses to illegal aliens because unlicensed drivers are five times more likely to get into fatal accidents. Does this mean we can cure tooth decay by giving everyone a dentist licenses? | (448) |
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Old and busted: Sculpting your abs. New Hotness: Sculpting your abdominal fat to look like abs | (211) |
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Study reports "suicide tourism" in New York City. Empire State Building, Times Square and George Washington Bridge are popular sites; some jerks apparently ruined the World Trade Center for everybody else | (109) |
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AZ Nuclear power plant on lock-down due to "suspicious package". Evacuations underway | (257) |
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Sears is a great place to get deals on housewares, but let's not forget the convenience of a bathroom where it's always a happy ending, until you get arrested (with mug shot goodness) | (193) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Happy "Day of the Dead" to all Mexican Farkers. If you have a gun, shoot 'em in the head. That's a sure way to kill 'em. If you don't, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat 'em or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy | (103) |
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US Navy to launch offensive against pirates, join the National League Central | (70) |
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War supporters are quick to point out that violence is decreasing in Baghdad, slightly less eager to point out that the city has become a series of walled off sectarian enclaves | (230) |
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Ridley Scott (who never makes a bad movie) teams up with Denzel Washington (who never acts in a bad movie) and Russell Crowe (who never loses a fight). (Sponsored Link) | (191) |
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Breastfeeding woman at Universal Studios park asked to "cover up or leave the premises." Because if there's one thing the producers of Fast Times at Ridgemont High won't stand for, it's bare breasts | (380) |
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Condoleezza Rice assures Turkey that Kurdish rebels in northern Iraq are common threat, says they may need to be gassed to get them under control | (89) |
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Study suggests 70 percent of kids 12 to 16 believe they're virgins even if they've had oral sex - and 16 percent believe anal sex doesn't count. In other words, parents, your snowflake isn't as pure as you think | (464) |
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8 lb 6 oz Baby Jesus tops eclectic Oakland ballot | (48) |
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Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein warns that modern journalism has lost its grip on reality and that the "idiot culture" in the U.S. is at fault. "The blame simply can't all be put at the feet of those who present news" | (273) |
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Tennessee Governor's mansion will soon include a $4.8 million, 13,000-square-foot, underground entertainment center. It's good to be the king | (47) |
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Not a Big Deal: getting angry at your son-in-law. Kind of a Big Deal: getting back at him by falsely telling the FBI he's a terrorist | (61) |
| (crooksandliars) | |
Fox and Friends: Today's moral decline can be traced back to the source--Barbara Eden | (266) |
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Prank leaves Oregon police station infested with gnomes. With actual quote: "Every time I leave my office they're sitting in my chair, working on my computer" | (77) |
| (International Herald Tribune) | |
Judge Mathis has ruled: man who sold amputated leg in smoker can have it back, but he must pay $5,000 | (46) |
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Waking voters up at 2 a.m. with a recorded campaign phone call is probably not the best way to win an election | (70) |
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'Goat sucker' actually a hairless coyote, not a lonely guy in New Hampshire | (87) |
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Only a few weeks left to name your turkey, and send it fanmail, before killing it and eating it. Oh, and other "interesting" Thanksgiving turkey traditions | (44) |
| (Post-Gazette) | |
Thanks for the gift card Mom and Dad; now I can finally get that colonoscopy I've always wanted | (48) |
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To all males who feel like coming to Time Square to walk around nude: Stop. Honestly. We don't want to see it | (82) |
| (Yorkshire Evening Post) | |
What better way for the northern English city of Leeds to demonstrate what sums its spirit up best than by unveiling two massive balls of steel | (56) |
| (NY Daily News) | |
Sort of okay: Cops put a scare into a 14-year-old boy they caught tossing eggs on Halloween. Not okay: They do it by stripping off his clothes and dumping him in a desolate area | (205) |
| (wikipedia) | |
Photoshop this delicious rhubarb pie | (79) |
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When selecting staff for redundancy, you can no longer take into account their attendance record because it might discriminate against the disabled, lazy | (80) |
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In an attempt to reduce its carbon footprint, the BBC begins recycling headlines | (45) |
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Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be soon landing in Denv...zzzzzzzzzzz | (80) |
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Lighter lost in WWII returned 62 yrs later. "I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the lighter to you" | (65) |
| (Courier-Gazette) | |
Solving an argument by jumping out of a moving vehicle doesn't make you the winner of the argument | (37) |
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If we have bad sex then the Feminists have won | (705) |
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News: offender jailed for assaulting fisherman. Fark: offender is an 8 ft. crocodile | (10) |
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When your wife is in a coma, you pray that she'll wake up. You promise that you'll stick by her no matter how bad it is, if she'll just come back to you. Be careful what you wish for | (231) |
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Target to hold fashion show using hologram models on holodeck sets | (43) |
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The Random Words You Never Thought You'd See Together in a Headline Department brings you: Possum, rampage, art museum | (23) |
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Not news: Man arrested in sex sting after showing up to meet what he thought was a 15-year old girl he met online. News: At the Ohio Statehouse | (52) |
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A list of the greatest British inventions. Yeah, it's a pretty short list, but being able to eat an apple through a picket fence has to count for something | (99) |
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Dog the Bounty Hunter's son was the one who taped his phone conversation and sold it to tabloids for "a lot of money." That son of a biatch | (391) |
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Ugly-ass baby Indian Rhinoceros born at Ohio zoo | (31) |
| (FIRE) | |
White Male Patriarchy scores another victory over enlightened forces of political correctness as U of Delaware abandons its ideological reeducation program | (231) |
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Quite possibly the most disturbing photo ever taken of Wil | (156) |
Thu November 01, 2007
| (Some Guy) |