Sun July 08, 2007
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Tobacco company being sued for voluntarily printing the phone number of a stop smoking organization on packets | (29) |
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Katie Couric in hot water at CBS for slapping an editor -- OH SLAP | (59) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Photoshop this panoramic shot | (90) |
| (Psychology Today) |  |
Ten politically incorrect truths about human nature. Truth #1 - men prefer big breasted blondes... and then the list gets even more interesting | (311) |
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Chewbacca assaults Marilyn Monroe in the midst of the Harry Potter premiere | (86) |
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Leesburg, VA votes on whether to return to the eighteenth century by outlawing drive-throughs | (111) |
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Today's "teacher fired for multiple sex charges" story is brought to you by Yerington, Nevada. With photo of lecherously smiling Ron White | (88) |
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Chinese women crave Bill Gates's sperm, combining about four common spam emails into one headline | (56) |
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Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the paintballs of Jesus going on before | (64) |
| (Linux Distro News) |  |
Rev. Al Sharpton to start campaigning for Linux | (93) |
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Police break into an apartment after neighbors complain of a nasty smell. They don't find a dead body, just a tenant with really bad foot odor asleep next to a pile of foul-smelling laundry | (39) |
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23-year old asshat cries "not fair" when his license is revoked for receiving 10 moving violations in five years | (268) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this fellow and his firehose | (61) |
| (Florida Today) |  |
The music industry is taking extortion to a whole new level by going after coffee shops who have live music. How is this even legal? | (338) |
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World's smallest funeral procession begins as co-founder of Matchbox cars passes away at 87 | (54) |
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The world will be just fine using fossil fuels for the next fifty years. At least according to Jeroen van der Veer, the CEO of oil conglomerate Royal Dutch Shell | (102) |
| (mcall) | |
Vo-tech administrator suspended after punching student who gave him a titty-twister | (59) |
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Atheism is the result of people not having babies | (726) |
| (Some Guy) | |
A look inside the business of America's 3,600 strip clubs, where business is booming | (66) |
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Army reservist that signed up for two weekends a month gets sent to Iraq for so long that he's going to lose his job and his house | (449) |
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Don't you hate it when you leave $64,000 laying in the bathroom and the police find it? | (17) |
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"What's Opera, Doc?", the greatest cartoon ever made, celebrates its 50th birthday. Kill da wabbit | (195) |
| (Nevada Appeal) | |
72-year-old Mayor gets cited for DUI and loses license. Does he, A) get someone to drive him to work, B) abuse his power and make the DUI go away, or C) suck it up and bike to work every day on a red Schwinn? | (52) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Female drug counselor at youth center attempts to stop one teen from using drugs by, you guessed it, having sex with him (w/eyebleach pic) | (115) |
| (WMAZ-13) | |
The annual Redneck Games are underway: "A lot of fighting, carrying on, that we ain't got no sense but there's a lot of folks out here that's got some sense." | (68) |
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"If the mother is eating Cheetos and white bread, the fetus will be born with those taste buds. If the mother is eating carrots and oatmeal, the child will be born with those taste buds." | (124) |
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You're not alone. Thousands commemorate 1947 UFO crash in Roswell, NM | (69) |
| (Some Norwegian Guy) | |
Fjotoshop this fjord | (116) |
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Texas couple spends their 07/07/07 taking a flying 4-story leap off a spillway on a Jetski... and live (with insane video). Oh yeah, "The Aristocrats" | (101) |
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Sydney building catches fire. One hundred people had to pull out, then leave | (27) |
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NYC tour helicopter plunges into river, wetting several, all of whom declared it, "The worst tour ever" | (36) |
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How do you improve test scores? Suspend low-scoring students before test time, fire complaining teachers, change hundreds of test answers | (106) |
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Purple Heart-winning soldier in jail for allegedly helping illegal immigrants cross the border | (129) |
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Admiral Sir Alan West encourages Brits to be "a little bit un-British" and to start snitching on everyone and anyone suspicious | (66) |
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US National Academy Of Stating The Bleeding Obvious reports that aliens might not be like us | (48) |
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Theme: The Clintons re-enacting other famous scenes from the movies or TV | (110) |
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Sony apologizes for "virtual desecration" of Manchester Cathedral in PS3 game. Church of England wants compensation anyway. Where is your lawyer now? | (70) |
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Man dies after 'tombstoning' jump. Now he gets one | (41) |
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Gator vs. Truck: Draw | (46) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
If you only see one insane house imploding illusion today let it be this one | (57) |
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Two criminal masterminds rob a hotel at gunpoint and try to get away by driving into a police station parking lot. Jailarity ensues | (11) |
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What are your rules for a first date? VE | (401) |
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The cherry pit spitting champ repeats with with only a minimal loss of dignity | (15) |
Sat July 07, 2007
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Nearly 4,800 fluorescent yellow golf balls were stolen from a Kansas City golf course after someone raided its driving range in the middle of the night. "Enough to fill the bed of a pickup" say police | (54) |
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Foot patrols lower crime, increase donut shop and tavern sales. Everybody wins | (47) |
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News: Catholic Church removes restrictions on Latin Mass. Fark: they didn't remove the part about prayers calling for the Jews to 'be delivered from their darkness' and converted to Catholicism | (330) |
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After spending a year out of the headlines, attention whore and would be JonBenet slayer John Mark Karr arrested after domestic disturbance | (49) |
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Apparently a survey was necessary to determine that most bartenders are young and have multiple jobs. Obvious tag reports for duty | (23) |
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Man disguised as a tree robs bank, quickly leaves. Police are stumped | (88) |
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Chinese tourist dies after falling into a volcano. Waponi Woo is saved | (81) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
70 year old woman to vie for beauty pageant title created when she was 42 | (25) |
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New 7 wonders of the world named | (198) |
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Most people can't tell one beer from another. Piss is piss | (119) |
| (American Heritage) | |
The 'Summer of Love' happened 40 years ago. What did it leave for us? | (232) |
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Woman to Police: My car has been stolen. Police to woman: No you can't have, not yours. With video goodness | (73) |
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Photoshop theme: Subtle changes to "The Price Is Right" if Rosie O'Donnell becomes the host | (95) |
| (Some Guy) | |
President Musharraf says mosque radicals face doom, gloom and will be swept by broom into a small room with a PMITA groom | (45) |
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No PMITA prison for AWOL soldier suffering from PTSD. Given discharge and told to GTFO | (109) |
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After 33 years of knocking on doors, Jehovah's Witness concedes she hasn't convinced more than five people to take up bible study | (504) |
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"Everybody's Gone Surfin, Surfin U.S... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" | (71) |
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"My new girlfriend has issues with where I store my prophylactics. That is, tucked into the arms of an Optimus Prime action figure on my bedside table" | (247) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Howard Families to celebrate the 100th birthday of Robert Heinlein. Kilts, cats and genius red-haired hotties required | (177) |
| (Some Beer Snob) | |
Beer snob predicts the "Canned Beer Apocalypse"... EVERYBODY PAN *buuuurrrrrpp* IC | (110) |
| (Manchester Evening News) | |
Indoor smoking ban prevents robbery at bingo hall by masked swordsmen | (29) |
| (WBIR NBC 10) | |
Tennessee Supreme Court rules that off-duty drug use irrelevant for worker's comp claims. Bonus: TV station doesn't know what a pot leaf looks like | (123) |
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NAACP to bury successful and attractive African-American during annual convention in Detroit | (142) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this guy resting against his big rubber ball | (119) |
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A therapist has been accused of taking advantage of a patient with a split personality - using one of her alter egos for sex, another to be his cleaner and a third to lend him cash for holidays | (120) |
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Sixth-grader arrested for a Level 4 school infraction, sent to alternative school for four months... for writing "I Love Alex" on gym wall. To be fair, though, Alex is a total douchebag | (126) |
| (Express and Star) | |
Man hunting for his old army buddies that helped keep him out of the clink after he was blown “sky high" when he set fire to gunpowder because he was bored beyond belief | (30) |
| (Some Druggie) | |
United Nations says world drug problem under control, sky is plaid | (117) |
| (KARE 11) | |
Status of Minnesota kiddie pool victim downgraded from colon to semicolon | (124) |
| (Niagara Gazette) | |
Fark's "Dumb Criminal of the Day" is the asshat who thought he'd steal the carton of cigarettes while the clerk was busy... busy checking his ID | (17) |
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Man arrested with notebook of plans to kidnap his ex-girlfriend -- flowchart included. Oh yeah, and six condoms, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, plastic gloves, Bic lighters and Clorox disinfectant wipes | (104) |
| (Some Bad Kittah) | |
Cutest kitten pictures (sans domo kun) you'll see today | (303) |
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Conditions in "for profit" prisons are bad enough inmates tend to commit suicide. Thank goodness they at least have free medical care | (102) |
| (Some Guy) | |
110 children plucked from Irish Sea after being swept into the water during a junior regatta | (24) |
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$5,000 of Styrofoam + Double-wide = big farkin' houseboat | (74) |
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If you want to build a high-speed railway, it's best not to use fake building materials when you're building it | (40) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Teenager's asthma cured by bagpipes - marking the first time in the history of the goddamn universe that an instrument that sounds like a cat being tortured with a blowtorch has resulted in a positive outcome | (60) |
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Your dog wants $31,660 Hello Kitty doghouse | (24) |
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If you have a belt-buckle that looks like a gun and wear it into a bank, you are an idiot. Just ask the San Diego Police | (58) |
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Bad Neighbor #4,367 - a nine story rollercoaster | (45) |
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More British residents buying their clothes in supermarkets than clothing stores. Which kind of explains a lot | (39) |
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When authorities find your 83-year-old mom covered in red ants and feces in her trailer with no electricity, you are probably the next candidate in the Bad Son Hall of Fame | (71) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Today's massive portable toilet arson fire brought to you by an anonymous idiot in San Diego | (16) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Taiwan cancels speed-eating contest for kindergarten and elementary school students over concerns about health and fears that expatriate American kids would dominate the competition | (12) |
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Man arrested for telling women they were "extremely beautiful." I'll take "Lines that only work for Brad Pitt" for $500, Alex | (89) |
| (Some Guy) | |
His friends all seem kinda bored, so Photoshop something a bit more exciting for this guy to be collecting | (50) |
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Miss New Jersey says someone's on her internets, captioning her pictures, and she's not LOL | (70) |
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Man gets frustrated by the way people park on his street and decides to get creative with a can of spray paint. Hilarity ensues (with video) | (66) |
| (Orlando Sentinel) | |
Not News: Home goes up for sale. News: Car crashes into home two hours after going on the market. Fark: Bloody driver exits car asking for a light | (34) |
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Irish bookie offers 14/1 odds that 'Al Gore' would be next high-profile American arrested. Damn shame for him that he didn't specify which one | (20) |
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Bank-robbing granny sentenced to 23 months in PMITA (probationary, monitored, in-house, threat-free, age-appropriate) prison | (16) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this albino bandoneónist | (45) |
| (Rutland Herald) | |
Man caught by police while dancing naked and pulling a piece of clothing back and forth between his legs rubbing his genitals says that there was nothing sexual about it, and he was just washing himself | (30) |
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♪It's raining Yen ♪ Hallelujah, it's raining Yen, Amen♪ | (37) |
| (Some hovburglar) | |
Actual headline: Woman arrested for not watering lawn | (88) |
Fri July 06, 2007
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When applying for a job, it's really important to remember to take the picture of your testicles off of your social networking site | (57) |
| (WMAZ Macon) | |
Wife wins marital argument the old-fashioned way: she stabs her husband in the yambag with a samurai sword | (67) |
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TB Dickwad reaffirms his uber-Dickwad status | (124) |
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Muslims with long history with al Qaeda, and who have attended terrorism training camps in Pakistan, allowed to keep their jobs with British police because it would be "politically incorrect" to fire them | (204) |
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New Mexico state law against cockfighting violates treaty that ended Mexican-America war, at least to hear the lawyers for cockfighters tell it | (26) |
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Painfully nerdy guy robs a bank with a hand drawn gun, no, a drawn hand gun, wait, whatever. There was no gun. [pics] | (57) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this kid and his contraption | (71) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Cambridge professor claims 50/50 chance all life on Earth will end in next century, names top eight PANIC-inducing scenarios | (253) |
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The “I (Heart) Midget Porn” guy isn’t the only perp to wear a cute slogan shirt for their mug shot. The Smoking Gun is there | (124) |
| (boston.com) | |
Not News: MA man sues after failing the bar exam. News: he failed because he skipped a question. Fark: the question was about gay marriage and it offended him | (176) |
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"What do we want?" "Now." "When do we want it?" "More pay" | (110) |
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You'd think becoming a public laughing stock would stop him. You'd think losing the case would stop him. But Roy Pearson really really REALLY loves those pants | (115) |
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Oil prices rise following the kidnapping of a three-year-old British girl. Wait, what? | (34) |
| (Baton Rouge Advocate) | |
Volunteers needed to drink beer. FREE BEER. Drew last seen headed to Louisiana | (42) |
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Philadelphia to school kids: "Stop feeding the homeless." School kids to Philadelphia: "Suck it." | (83) |
| (splc) | |
Violent lesbian gangs are on a nationwide rampage, raping young girls and attacking straight men. O RLY? | (212) |
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Monica Lewinsky is to a cigar as a secretary at Morgan Stanley is to a pencil | (134) |
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Not news: DUI suspect flees police. News: Suspect sideswipped a car and flipped over. Fark: At 100 miles per hour. TotalFark: Suspect is an 11 year old girl | (80) |
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The RIAA doesn't want you to learn how to play guitar | (239) |
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Gigantic phallus terrorizes Oregon town | (189) |
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News: US announces it has killed Iraq Al Quaeda leader Kamal Jalil Uthman. Fark: He's been dead since 2006, at which time the US announced they had killed him | (78) |
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Fireman charged with public indecency, plum-smuggling charge dropped due to lack of evidence; judge requests new keyboard after viewing mugshot | (37) |
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WSJ ranks the major airlines, from "sucks donkey balls" all the way up to "bring a parachute" | (90) |
| (TheIndyChannel) | |
Man avoids repo man, instead finds reaper man | (58) |
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Navy probes Marines, probes them long and hard | (98) |
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Scariest dog picture you'll see all day | (195) |
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Japan to boost missile defenses to guard against aggression by North Korea, Mothra | (29) |
| (Idaho Statesman) | |
"Alcohol is suspected to be a factor in the incident, police said" with a lovely mug shot | (78) |
| (Greenville Online) | |
Leader of Christian Exodus postpones move to South Carolina after his potential SC employer sees what he's a part of, and terminates the job offer | (115) |
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How the hell could you Farkers pass up the mother-of-all-flamewars: it's George W. Bush's 61st birthday | (341) |
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The sharks have begun feeding: Quebec passengers suing TB Dickwad | (81) |
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Baltimore church advocates acceptance, which has nothing to do with its transgendered pastor, who feels that two in the hand is better than one bush | (34) |
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Tourists flock to Pamplona for the annual Running of the Nude Hippies | (54) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Fred Phelps' grandson stomped on an American flag during a funeral protest. Now his daughter is being charged with negligent child abuse, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, flag mutilation and disturbing the peace | (357) |
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Gunmen holding girl demand money. Tomorrow's followup: Gunmen with money demand girl | (44) |
| (PhysOrg) | |
Booze, drugs, and smokes ranked top three addictions by researchers at the University of Well Duh | (78) |
| (Some TFette) | |
Photoshop this baby undulate ray | (73) |
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Biafra wants to leave Nigeria, cites growing threat of Nazi Punks, killing of poor | (125) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Mother hospitalizes her child after rolling his head up in a car window. Don't worry, the car window is okay. It's still under warranty | (97) |
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Old and busted: red-light cameras. New hotness: stop sign cameras | (202) |
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Second deluge causes double trouble for Texas flood victims | (160) |
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Federal Appeals Court throws out ACLU lawsuit against Bush's domestic wiretapping program, says defendants do not have standing to sue, should have obtained the β Communicator in Area 16 first | (260) |
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Fark TV filmmaker risks his life for science and entertainment due to a misunderstanding as to what the term "trans-fats" means | (79) |
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The most common gift in Italy for a graduating high school girls is now breast enlargement | (191) |
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China opens 4 story, 1000 stall public restroom. What could possibly go Wong? | (105) |
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"But when a little boy brought a 9-legged frog home to Kansas, some adults got worried" | (84) |
| (The Local) | |
UFO sightings up sharply in Sweden, proving one thing: aliens dig six-foot tall blondes with big racks | (139) |
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Police proud to announce that they've recovered the stolen rodeo clown barrel and reunited it with its owner. Interpol breathes sigh of relief, spontaneous dancing breaks out in several countries | (21) |
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Bad luck: getting Paris Hiliton's old phone number | (111) |
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Problem: fiancee's family won't pay promised marriage dowry. Solution: bride takes off her clothes on a busy street to protest. Oh yeah, there's a pic all right | (173) |
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If you ever wanted to be a condom tester, Durex has 200 openings they’re trying to fill | (64) |
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I scream, you scream, we all scream from a blow to the back of the head with a baseball bat | (46) |
| (Autoblog) | |
The world's only $200,000 Hyundai | (112) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Florida town needs spot to store two tons of marijuana. Any volunteers? | (48) |
| (KXAN Austin News) | |
Federal plans for border crossing station found in TV station dumpster. Right next to Americans' hopes for competent government | (93) |
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Hmmmm... I wonder what would happen if we threw this land mine against the wall? | (132) |
| (KDSK) | |
Man wants peace and quiet, moves his home office into a treehouse (pic) | (58) |
| (OC Register) | |
19-year old co-ed belies her 4.0 GPA when she rides off with a biker she "met on Craigslist". She later made a call after locking herself in a bathroom and, well, that was 11 days ago so this should all end well | (246) |
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Gentlemen, behold. A pool pump so powerful it can suck the intestines right out of a six-year old | (230) |
| (Some Guy) | |
If a store clerk seizes your counterfeit credit cards, it would be best if you didn’t file a complaint with the police department | (17) |
| (WTEN Albany) | |
Police in Albany announce kidnapping. Victim is eight feet tall with bright red hair, goofy sack dress, striped socks and size 27 shoes | (46) |
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Bonbon Bandit besieges Boston, burglarizes Ben and Jerry's | (36) |
| (Some Wise Guy) |  |
New York, New York casino in Vegas ups the realism as man shoots up casino floor | (178) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Cinema manager repeatedly enters a burning theater to carry people out on his back. After the blaze is extinguished, his body is found with a mobile phone in one hand and fire extinguisher in the other | (221) |
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This is how to write a headline | (189) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this stir crazy lady | (74) |
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Guests at dinner party find the bodies of his wife and son in the freezer. Awkward | (98) |
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Four-year-old girl calls 911 begging for McDonald's 300 times. Can you say future fat chick? | (128) |
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Teen caught having sex with a cow. The Sun is there and stole every smartass comment you wanted to post, including the one about police wanting to put him udder arrest | (150) |
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Here's photographic proof of why the world no longer needs payphones | (139) |
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Good News: Money fell from the sky today. Bad News: In Euros, which are like 20 cents in real money | (356) |
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