Sun June 03, 2007
| (Goleta Valley Voice) |  |
Naked chicks and meth heads, dead pigs in the dryer, inmates playing in puddles...just another day in Goleta | (3) |
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"There is a lot of sentimentality about women. We like to think that women are kind and motherly and are not going to go to war. But it's not true, is it?" | (10) |
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In news totally unsurprising to our dirt-eating, onion-wearing, mine-working, uphill-walking Farkers of yesteryear, today's kids don't want summer jobs | (27) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Nude hellcat breaks into apartment, husband and wife disagree on whether to call police, police disagree on whether to take her to jail, Mongolian Midget Wrestlers disagree on whether they have had her yet | (23) |
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They're just like us: Bears waving and begging for food | (35) |
| (Greeley Tribune) |  |
A poodle will likely not provide sufficient force to break a window | (43) |
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Giving a whole new meaning to the term "trailer trash", a man's trailer is stolen & then returned filled with garbage | (11) |
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Need to bump up your credit score? If you can spare a few thousand, you could literally go from 550 to 720 overnight. What can possibly go wrong? | (67) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Tattoo parlors are officially too mainstream, after one opens with scented candles and plasma-screen televisions set to the Disney Channel | (51) |
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A San Diego hotel where rooms start at $450 a night is setting itself apart with a racy atmosphere featuring group showers and firemen's poles | (43) |
| (LGT Example) |  |
Movie brain scan: What's your favorite movie that doesn't have originally-scored music in it? | (243) |
| (StupidVideos.com) | |
Fat, stupid, bald and covered with green paint is no way to go through life, son. It's also no way to pretend to be a Ninja Turtle. Even if someone sprays you with a hose | (32) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Art project mistaken for vandalism is vandalized | (88) |
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Inmate on death row accepting submissions for funniest joke that will be read as his final statement before execution | (198) |
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Had sex with a member of the U.S. Congress? Publisher Larry Flynt is again offering up to $1 million cash if you can prove it | (94) |
| (Some Vet) |  |
Photoshop this cat toy | (72) |
| (Mega Bunny) | |
I bet you just recycle your empty beer cans. Well, that's one way to do it | (37) |
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A house, the worst investment ever? | (358) |
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Hell hath no fury like a guy whose daughter's swimsuit has been snatched from the backyard by a naked stranger | (81) |
| (WBAY) | |
Woman charged for drunk driving after crashing into a beer truck | (64) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Some people can't even look at whether a toilet seat is up or down without subjecting it to a game theory analysis | (134) |
| (GJ Sentinel) | |
Weirdest police chase all week involves a man who struck two kids, crashed his unregistered motorcycle, then jumped into a river naked with his t-shirt wrapped around his head | (39) |
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Manhattan residents continue to show their legendary grit by quietly suffering through a severe butler shortage | (70) |
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If you don't want to be a medical research subject, just write to the company, and wear the simple ID tag. Thank you, citizen, for your cooperation | (104) |
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"'I am being buried in a box in Dublin underneath a metre of mashed potato,' he said. He did not explain why" | (53) |
| (APOD) | |
Scariest pic of the day: death ray from Moon colony blows up space shuttle | (78) |
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The Dutch are trying to grow meat. Vegetarians in a quandary | (217) |
| (Roanoke.com) | |
"When deputies strip-searched her, they saw that she had a small penis and one testicle" | (92) |
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Family hires witch doctor to revive their snake-bitten son...two days after they buried him | (39) |
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Suspect held in three murders. He's only eight years old | (89) |
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Meet new Kansas City police officer Jessica, same as the old Kansas City police officer, David | (68) |
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Photoshop this superhero and his awesome hat | (53) |
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Your advances are rejected by a family friend. Do you a) Get over it, b) Move on, or c) Frame her son for a planning a bomb attack at his high school. Bonus: He was a former reserve sheriff's deputy | (46) |
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Actual headline: Mayor, trolls celebrate restored Fremont Bridge | (56) |
| (Orlando Sentinel) | |
"Any time I expelled gas in the suit, I realized nobody could smell it, it was amazing" | (115) |
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"I've stopped worrying about what art is." Good reason to stick $119 million of diamonds in a skull | (55) |
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Today's brawl at a funeral brought to you by Long Island, NY | (51) |
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Indianapolis police hold a memorial service for Bo, a 6-year old Belgian Malinois who helped apprehend over 100 criminals and died in service. Good boy | (134) |
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Iran's hard line Minister of the Interior is backing temporary marriages as a way for the average pious Muslim to avoid the danger of adultery | (81) |
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Actual headline: Save the planet, eat a vegan | (146) |
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Pink flamingo lawn ornaments will once again be manufactured in the US. In related news teenagers rejoice for once again having something to steal when bored on the weekends | (35) |
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Leading chef warns of culinary apocalypse. Panic now, truffle fans | (47) |
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Tired of old people getting all the limelight, a 30 year old woman plows through a crowd at 70 mph | (64) |
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Canadian dollar will be soon be at par with the American dollar, thus rendering many common Fark comments useless and stupid | (209) |
| (WWL) | |
Barry is seeking Lexapro | (30) |
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Teenager caught driving at 200km/h "didn't realise" he was speeding | (111) |
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You do not like your daughter's new boyfriend. Do you a) Tell her never to see him again b) Have a beer and get over it or c) Run her down with your car GTA style | (39) |
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Photoshop this bored runner | (48) |
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Houses in Illinois' largest state park suddenly start blowing up. Explains Agent Rogersz: "It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes" | (53) |
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South Korean government now promoting their nation's latest tourist attraction - breakdancing squads | (32) |
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An Italian salami can rev up sex life. Ok, I'll take your word for it | (33) |
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Nuclear waste? Yeah, we keep it out in the parking lot | (30) |
| (Some Guy) | |
"I don't know what came over me. I guess I was just trying to impress my friends. I feel very embarrassed and ashamed. It was the dumbest thing I ever did.'' says kid who urinated into a ketchup bottle in school cafeteria | (61) |
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Secondhand smoke doesn't concern you? How about secondhand radiation? | (76) |
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If you're doing flaming bar tricks, don't keep cleaning fluid behind the bar | (35) |
Sat June 02, 2007
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City tries to figure out what to do with lawn-digging worker who moonlights by having fire ants eat his crotch on Bubba the Love Sponge's satellite radio show | (61) |
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Nick Nolte starting mug shot fashion trend? The Smoking Gun reports on a wave of scary looking Hawaiian-shirt-wearing arrestees. Highlight: #5 | (56) |
| (Some Arborsmith) | |
Check out these cool tree trunk sculptures | (49) |
| (WGMD Radio) | |
If you're going to burglarize a place, picking a daycare center--where every room has a video camera--is not the best idea | (18) |
| (techblorge) | |
Second life becomes a second home to sexual deviants and misfits. Pretty much just like first life | (91) |
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Tractor-trailer driver enters Lincoln Tunnel with trailer six inches higher than tunnel clearance, drives entire 1.5 miles despite police yelling at him to stop (amusing photo) | (125) |
| (Oregon Mail Tribune) | |
Unable to sell spec house, Boy Scouts may earn merit badge in foreclosure | (37) |
| (Art Bell) | |
Drew gets a new tin foil hat from Art Bell on Coast to Coast AM tonight. 10PM Pacific, 1 Am Eastern. Find your local station, some with streaming audio at the affiliates list at the link | (146) |
| (NHL.com) | |
Stanley Cup Final Game 3. Let's hope that it's over in regulation time, otherwise NBC is going to cut to a rerun of Friends | (507) |
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Los Angeles now taking applications for medical marijuana. You can barely read this headline because of that damn glaucoma | (89) |
| (colorado confidential) | |
Press release from Colorado Senator: "I don’t think first responders have really done anything significant in comparison to their counterparts who have dealt with real natural disasters, I have no idea what else to say here..." | (56) |
| (englishrussia.com) | |
Handdrawn American movie poster collection from Belarus; guess which movie they represent | (72) |
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UK is going to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds to raise all their park benches three inches | (62) |
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If you're running an anti-gun advocacy group that received $1.5 million from the city of Los Angeles, it's probably not a good idea to to sell guns to undercover ATF agents | (39) |
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Sleeping pill wakes woman after two years in coma, which begs the question: why give a sleeping pill to someone in a coma? | (92) |
| (Some Biker Guy) | |
Photoshop this badass biker dude | (70) |
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Minor League baseball manager goes postal… pulls up bases, crawls through the grass and throws a resin bag like a grenade…(video attached) | (128) |
| (Bradenton Herald) | |
Poll: Most residents of the Gulf Coast don't know squat about hurricanes and haven't prepared for the next one other than to blame Bush in advance | (117) |
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Sponge Bob no longer content to live in a pineapple under the sea, will be moving to ugly-ass hotel in San Diego | (48) |
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Man busted for DWI golf carting after failing to find a horse to ride | (27) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Fighter jet art - a new use for missiles and flares | (69) |
| (Sgt. Mike T) | |
A collection of Nose Art from WW2 | (56) |
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Naked 12-year old boy helps police foil robbery, gives Michael Jackson an idea for the Best. Crimefighter. Evar | (32) |
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Chinese Vice-Premier Huang Ju dies at the age of 68. Coroner unsure if it was the toothpaste or the puppy chow | (31) |
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Study shows police have less race bias than civilians, NBA referees | (55) |
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At least 146 german police officers injured in rioting before G8 summit | (266) |
| (Some Guy) | |
You might have a dysfunctional marriage when a fight over a parrot escalates to knife-throwing. Polly wants a lawyer | (14) |
| (L.A. Weekly) | |
Every English teacher you've ever had was wrong | (226) |
| (I4U NEWS) | |
Japanese researchers develop really creepy android child named CB2. If they can teach it to fetch the remote control without spilling chocolate milk on the carpet, they might be on to something | (52) |
| (Some Guy) | |
“If they had to come into our police department and get marijuana that means that my officers were doing their job and keeping drugs off the street” | (55) |
| (Some Petting Guy) | |
That petting zoo with the cute little animals is actually a germ-infested chamber of horrors just waiting to infect you and your kids | (45) |
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One of the Church of England's most senior women clerics has quit her job after becoming pregnant while unmarried. Oops | (79) |
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Taliban Navy sinks. No comment from Admiral Osama | (75) |
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For most high school students, the perfect grade point average is a 4.0. But that wasn't good enough for one Hillsborough County student who graduated with a mind-boggling 8.08 GPA | (235) |
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"Dr. Carlos Schenck reported in the journal Sleep that sleepsex, or sexsomnia, is becoming more common" | (57) |
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Pervy private school pedagogue pinched for purloining past pupil's panties | (30) |
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Arrests made at Kennedy airport with terrorist connection. News conference at 1 pm | (277) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
You can has Caturday - caption this lolcat | (165) |
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If you're going to run and hide after defrauding investors for tens of millions of dollars using fake oil fields, don't hold your daughter's sweet 16 party on MTV | (106) |
| (MLive) | |
"About 50 people with baseball bats and pipes left several cars damaged and a man with a head injury Thursday at a Harrison gasoline station." | (41) |
| (WESH TV) | |
Man chasing dog is struck and killed in traffic. Chasing anything in traffic is dangerous, doing it with untied shoelaces is plain darwinism in motion | (28) |
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Solar & wind powered town in trouble with environmentalists because the presence of so many windmills is spoiling the landscape and killing birds. Which is an inconvenient truth | (139) |
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Wolf whistle to co-worker gets 18-year-old fired, even though prom-dress-wearing associate wasn't offended. "I've known her since seventh grade," 18-year-old says indignantly | (137) |
| (Chilliwack Progress) | |
Chilliwack residents sure that what they saw in the sky was definitely a UFO, now working on theory of why aliens would be attracted to Chilliwack | (65) |
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Not News: ESPN producer stopped for having lighter by TSA. News: Has drugs in carry on. FARK: Has child porn in checked baggage (video news story) | (70) |
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California's gay inmates to get conjugal visits, Aren't they getting these visits from their cellmates already? | (59) |
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Photoshop this smoker and her fountains | (61) |
| (SunJournal.com) | |
Middle school students play on global warming gets some parents hot under the collar | (174) |
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Old and busted: speed dating. New hotness: selling your book to a literary agent in three minutes or less | (19) |
| (Tahoe Daily Tribune) | |
Weekend in Tahoe: $783. Marble-sized piece of marijuana swallowed upon police arrival: $14. Being arrested naked and booked while sweating and suffering from "acute paranoia": Priceless | (32) |
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An Indian tribe that has had no formal contact with Western civilization has been located in a remote Amazon region. Richard Dreyfuss unavailable for comment | (64) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Strange roller coasters you don't see everyday | (27) |
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Have you heard the one about the dead man laughing? | (24) |
| (Crave) | |
Quiz: 'Star Wars' name, ballplayer, or Thai food? | (32) |
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Burglar breaks into used clothing store, accidentally kicks switch to turn on powerful ventilation fan while he's still in it. Seriously Florida, you make this too easy | (51) |
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I-Mockery covers the best and worst things to come from the Nintendo Entertainment System era. Mario cologne and underwear? Now you're playing with power | (32) |
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The reason that nothing good is on television is because entertainers are increasingly putting their ideas on the internet, where they have more creative freedom. Even if the idea happens to be a buddy show featuring a pair of testicles | (21) |
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Study finds that 85% of women are content with their partner's penis size, yet men increasingly suffer from Small Penis Syndrome when they shouldn't. Except for you over there, needled*ck | (173) |
| (NBC) | |
Teacher sues over his death in the student film "Teddy Bear Master". Blade and Pinhead get angry, rip out your teddy's stitches | (30) |
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Twenty-six people sue bus company for various debilitating injuries they claim they suffered in crash on way to wedding. Judge immediately tosses 20 when wedding video shows they weren't too badly hurt to eat, drink and dance jigs | (17) |
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Ancient McDonald's Uncovered in Pompei | (36) |
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The mayor has ordered the city's firefighters to get off their lazy asses, cut grass and trim shrubs while on duty | (55) |
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Family harassed and tormented for being gingers. God damn it, Cartman | (111) |
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The Something Awful Goons go to an anime con. Hilarity ensues | (96) |
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College president calls for drinking age to be lowered to 18 | (121) |
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A black widow found only in Chile gives men long lasting erections and can be used for spermicide as well. Bonus: The research team that discovered this was headed by Dr. Romero | (45) |
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Some sodding git says being polite will make Britain great again. What a prat | (33) |
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When trying to drum up interest in the circus coming to town, try not to let your crocodile escape into the sea | (9) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Japanese man confesses to stealing more than 8,000 articles of women's clothing so he could sleep buried in them | (26) |
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U.S. warship launches strike into Somalia | (178) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this girl and her cow | (63) |
| (JapanSugoi) | |
Caption Darth Vader in Japan | (105) |
Fri June 01, 2007
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Polish man in coma for 19 years wakes up, now adjusting to new world without Communism and with whiny mobile phone users | (93) |
| (Some Extreme egg-dropper) |  |
Remember those "egg dropping" contests you did in High School? This guy won't | (141) |
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Flip This House star didn't actually own, repair or flip many houses but he did get rich quick. Caveat Emptor | (75) |
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Figures show the most commonly-uttered phrase among ATV riders on Memorial Day continued to be "Hold my beer and watch this" | (32) |
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If you have one too many and think you can avoid being arrested by riding home on horseback, you better think again | (41) |
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Chinese Crest toothpaste: Recommended by 4 out of 5 jealous husbands and/or homicidal maniacs | (43) |
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TB dickwad story gets even more farked up. The couple never married, TB dickwad was only in Greece for two days | (197) |
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US officials "used expletives" when they learned that plans for the new US Embassy in Baghdad had been posted on the web. %^&*@$ing right, they did | (61) |
| (Bloomberg) | |
Ever wonder who's holding the bag of "toxic waste" subprime mortgage loans? It's US pension funds and retirement funds. Enjoy your "retirement," boomers | (77) |
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Remember the kid in Alabama who killed a half ton wild boar with a handgun? Turns out it was a farm pig named Fred, "hunted" in his pen | (327) |
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Kentucky physicist to travel to Antarctica to find a fog-shrouded hole in the Arctic Ocean that leads to the centre of the Earth, where an unknown civilization is lurking inside the hollow core of the planet. No really | (198) |
| (The News Tribune) | |
Ft. Lewis rethinks mass memorials for fallen Operation Iraqi Freedom soldiers | (55) |
| (Revision 3) | |
Drew interviewed by former TechTV current Revision 3 awesome guy Martin Sargent, talks Fark, book, is drunk (not safe for work language) | (65) |
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Nothing captures the spirit of Paris quite like getting scuba diving lessons at the Eiffel Tower | (22) |
| (Some weather guy) | |
This just in: normal summer weather happening in the Gulf of Mexico, EVERYBODY PANIC | (91) |
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Dutch kidney transplant reality show "The Big Donor Show" turns out to be a hoax. Dutch Ashton Kutcher says "You've been Tonderzwam'd" | (30) |
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As many as eight inmates stabbed at Baltimore jail during prison fight, or as Cincinnati calls it, "Bengals Tryouts" | (114) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop these two statues | (71) |
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Succeeding where the Mongols failed for years, a Chinese mining company ripped a hole in the Great Wall so their trucks could avoid paying tolls | (95) |
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Dead whale spotted near Golden Gate. Coast Guard said it isn't Delta or Dawn, just some stupid anonymous whale that doesn't love you like they do | (100) |
| (Some Smiley Guy) | |
Wal-Mart to open fewer stores in 2008, because their only remaining competition comes from existing Wal-Mart locations. "We also have been focused this year on reducing cannibalization of existing stores" | (232) |
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One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Red Fish | (233) |
| (Times-Picayune) | |
Rep. William Jefferson says Louisiana may have to donate $1 billion to bail out Katrina recovery program. That's 11,000 freezers worth | (152) |
| (Charleston Gazette) | |
Powerball winner Jack Whitaker is back in court, losing another lawsuit | (103) |
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Reminder: Iowa City Fark Party, tomorrow | (60) |
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New soon-to-be-discredited Loch Ness Monster footage made public | (128) |
| (not Constantinople) | |
Bust out your tinfoil hats, Texas. Gov. Rick Perry to attend Bilderberg Conference in Istanbul. Bonus: Paid for using campaign funds | (78) |
| (KTRK - ABC Houston) | |
What do you do when you are drunk and get kicked out of a party for trying to steal an Xbox 360? You set fire to the beer of course | (49) |
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Ugly-ass rare baby red-ruffed lemurs born at Lemur Conservation Foundation. It was a double triple (w/pics) | (33) |
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Chicago Police Dept. has new high-tech helicopter with night vision and a radiation detector. Now, if only they can keep the pilot from landing it in front of a freight train | (82) |
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Alabama apologizes for slavery, despite all U.S. slaves and slave owners being long dead. In related news, American Indians asking for an apology were told to STFU or get better lobbyists | (415) |
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China blames Panama, Van Halen, for tainted products | (31) |
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Actual headline: "Next Hurricane Could Strike Anywhere From TX to NY." Ric Romero on the scene | (44) |
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"Angel/spirit" currently edging out "printing error" in online poll of source of strange apparition in photograph. W/pic and poll | (179) |
| (Some Guy) | |
In a suprise to absolutely no one, White House pulls a Sheryl Crow and tries to downplay NASA head's controversial global warming remarks as "humor" | (261) |
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A "landmark international study" finds that bumps on the head can potentially lead to brain damage | (33) |
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Steelers' assistant coach makes strong case for removal of "reply to all" button | (75) |
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"Lucky man survives lightning hit" or "Unlucky man struck by lightning" - the choice is yours | (43) |
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For some reason AirTran doesn't want Michael Vick as a spokesman any more | (73) |
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Police save emotionally disturbed man from the top of NYC's George Washington Bridge and from the thousands of emotionally disturbed drivers stuck in the traffic mess he created | (75) |
| (WOAI) | |
If you left your couch in the middle of a highway in San Antonio, some pissed off wrecked SUV driver would like to speak with you | (87) |
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Before traveling, TB dickwad had his conversation with doctors recorded, almost as if he knew this would happen. Submitter thinks the dickwad planned a lawsuit from the beginning | (369) |