Oldest motorist in UK has never sat a driver's test, because they weren't invented when she started driving in the early 1930s	(5)
		Worried about her upcoming prison term starting June 5, Paris Hilton is going to learn Karate and seven other Japanese words	(66)
		Moosehead president says Canadian beer industry disappearing	(38)
		Three youths rescued from cave. No word yet on whether the kids found a cursed tiki	(25)
		Joey & Amy: These two crazy kids might just make it after all	(63)
(Daily Southtown)		10 month old child receives his Firearm Owner's Identification Card. Hopefully a better shot than Dick Cheney	(45)
		When breaking into a police station try to avoid getting stuck in one of the prison cells	(13)
		Nudists try to attract younger people by telling them how much fun they can have naked	(66)
(Some Guy)		Mexican doctor busted for replacing drug dealers' fingerprints with foot skin	(20)
		Grandparents of 12-year-old girl sue after female substitute teacher shows "Brokeback Mountain" in class. Apparently class voted for "Sordid Sorority Sisters 3" but was overruled	(126)
		Man attacks roommate with machete. There can only be one	(28)
		Disabled Army vet offers to mow lawns to pay for his dog's operation. Your dog wants-never mind what your dog wants, this is the dog of a man who's served his country admirably	(83)
		The RIAA is making students an offer they can't refuse: Pay us $3,000 or we'll sue you. "Legally, it probably makes sense, because we don't have the money to fight.", says one shaken down college student	(265)
		California sea lion joins childrens' walk-a-thon; seeks bukket	(39)
		A German sex toy company has been ordered to pay 50,000 euros in damages to two German football stars after selling vibrators named for them during last year's World Cup	(29)
		Hair thieves in Myanmar are stealing ponytails. Patchouli-scented hackey sackers flee in tears	(46)
(Some Guy)		Darwin and mothers agree, don't play with scissors	(52)
(madison.com)		Man's head run over by truck. Head stays intact, bicycle helmet crushed (with pic)	(81)
(Some Guy)		Caption this guy and his gun	(97)
		Mail falls on mail scanning device, which then beeps. Obviously, this led to evacuations and mayhem	(26)
(Some Guy)		Ugly-ass wood bison born at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center (w/video)	(14)
		441-year-old St. Augustine miffed over Jamestown's 400-year birthday walking across its lawn	(96)
		Theme: If product placement deals had existed all throughout history...	(127)
(Some Guy)		Man runs gambling room in a secret part of his house, while his children and wife live in another secret part of the house that was infested with rats and maggots	(35)
		Scientist "who has studied marijuana for 30 years" finds no link between pot and cancer, craves Taco Bell	(154)
		MC Hammer declared web 2.0 expert by eminent consortium of computer experts	(57)
		Triumph of the Underpants: Bryan Ferry dropped as menswear spokesman by Marks & Spencers after expressing admiration for films of Leni Riefenstahl	(48)
(Khaleej Times)		Today's $6.8m number plate brought to you by Abu Dhabi and Currency Converters	(40)
		Mullah Dadudallah killed after endless taunts	(138)
		Pizza delivery driver shoots and kills would-be robber. What do you want on your Tombstone?	(243)
		Will you marry me? This proposal will self destruct in 30 seconds	(58)
(WMTW.com)		When spending your $200,000 inheritance, it's best that the benefactor is dead first	(30)
(Some Guy)		Going out of business sales are going out of business. Hurry before the sale ends	(91)
		Tiananmen Square portrait of Chairman Mao damaged by flaming projectile hurled by local crazy man. LMAO	(69)
		Man finds 40mm sewing needle in his chicken the hard way	(34)
		Don't just stand there... bust a move	(122)
(KATU.com)		You know all those teachers having sex with students? Oregon wants to help the problem become an epidemic. GO OREGON	(104)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this massive Moroccan mural	(86)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)		WV mom is badly burned saving son from house fire, gives birth to second child while still in burn unit	(78)
		Ho killed by hoe	(88)
		5,500 play in record coconut orchestra. European Swallow Union complaining they weren't called in for transport	(33)
		Turtle tries several times to lay eggs on Central Park ice skating rink. Due to its odd behavior, biologists have fitted the reptile with a Philadelphia Flyers jersey	(24)
(Some Guy)		Stop... Hammertime	(70)
		South Korea's richest businessman kidnaps karaoke bar waiters, and takes them to a remote mountain area. Then, the beatings begin	(39)
		King of Samoa dies, Girl Scouts to fight heirs for rights to his delicious cookie recipe	(37)
		Happy Mother's Day to all Farkmothers and mothers of Farkers - share mom stories and love	(159)
		World's largest floating bookstore opens in port of Fukuoka, Japan	(29)
		Ballistics expert who was the first non-governmental specialist allowed to examine the evidence in President Kennedy's assassination dies of natural causes. Or at least, that's what they would have you believe	(48)
		Murfreesboro principal may soon have Murfreestime after telling all her elementary school kids that a gunman was loose in the school	(51)
(Some Guy)		The naked truth on recruiting challenges for nudist colonies	(55)
(Patna Daily)		Potatowned	(29)
(northjersey.com)		Get well card urges inmate to get back on his horse	(10)
		If you own a broadband intertubes service provider, please make sure to have the FBI's key copy to the front door ready by Monday, or else... Exactly	(131)
		German-speaking Texans create their own local dialect in which skunks are referred to as "die Stinkkatze" and George W. Bush is referred to as "das Boob"	(64)
		Granny jailed for caging grandson. Now who will protect the lawn?	(24)
		83-year old Holocaust survivor refuses to meet her son after he searched for her for 17 years	(81)
(Some Guy)		Woman dies after being ejected from motorcycle and then struck by ambulance	(51)
		"British Asians see a society that hardly inspires them to integrate. They see aspects of Britain which are a threat to the values they hold dear. Britain needs to integrate more with the Asian way of life, not the other way around"	(283)
		Man who won Supreme Court decision saying mentally ill patients cannot be forced to take their medication goes crazy and stabs his roommate	(110)
		Unidentified explosion in Russian junkyard kills Sanfordsky & Son	(22)
		What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being the farking guy who's going to be competing in the PMITA Olympics	(24)
		Sake may power cars, karaoke singers in the future	(24)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this land yacht driver	(46)
(KPHO-TV)		Dentist tackles blowfish fangs. Fish's annual office visit a teeth-grinding experience	(17)
		John Dillinger's relative tries to stick up 'Dillinger Days' festival	(39)
(Hagerstown Herald-Mail)		"Frankenberry appointed to county board." Count Chocula said to be considering run for state legislature	(41)

(Some Dutch Paper)		Bob Geldof claims Al Gore stole the idea for "Live Earth" from "Live Aid." Wants credit for inventing the Internet, too	(46)
		DaimlerChrysler group in talks to sell Chrysler division to a three-headed dog that guards the entrance to hell	(62)
		Emily and Emma were the most popular names given to baby girls born in the United States last year, while the boys were dominated by Jacobs and Michaels	(173)
(Some Old Geezer)		"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." Happy Birthday George Carlin-- Here's a list of 100 of his greatest lines	(192)
		Plane Crash in Montana kills 5 skydivers. If only they had some way of slowing their descent as they fell	(61)
		Criminal charges dropped against Boston's Light-Brite Terrorists	(77)
		Hollywood braces for writer's strike. OH NOEZ11 Who will dredge up shows from the 70s? Who will mail in sequel after sequel?	(85)
		How strip clubs plan to dance around the law	(61)
(Some Guy)		Pizzeria implicated in Fort Dix plot "under new management"	(64)
		Remember that guy last year who died having sex with a horse? Yeah there is a movie about him now	(130)
		Predictably, VT graduation marked by sorrow, sadness, and CNN putting cameras in people's faces, inviting you to "Watch students struggle with mixed emotions"	(78)
		Plant responsible for pet food contamination torn down. By owner. Just days before US FDA inspectors were scheduled to arrive. Yeah	(142)
		German court denies bald men state-funded wigs	(39)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this red pumpkin	(87)
		Man finds cat in container of Chinese take-out	(122)
		Russian cargo ship hauls snails to International Space Station. So really it's more of an escargot ship	(172)
		From the unfortunate headline department: "NASA's shuttle to hit launchpad next week"	(41)
		Hey, eBay: You call that mail order? THIS is mail order	(49)
(Some Guy)		State proposes new policy for homeowners who discover alligators wandering on their surburban lawns: Don't call us; deal with it yourself	(65)
(Some Guy)		Yeah, the clown was pretty funny... up until he pulled his peener out	(84)
		Shakespeare to be adapted for manga. Kenneth Branagh last seen hacking into a cyberbrain	(68)
		Have you ever benefited from the kindness of strangers? Tell us about it	(391)
		Woman castrates young son then blames the dog	(128)
		First Lady Laura Bush says she skipped her college graduation in 1973. The commencement speaker? "Some guy named George Bush"	(61)
		From the "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" Files: Helmets attract cars to cyclist	(94)
		Man picking up litter in river becomes part of the problem when he falls in and drowns	(14)
(Some Ugly Guy)		Photoshop this creature	(94)
		Woman survives rare form of decapitation	(177)
		Prison inmates gets £100,000 driving simulator. Because it's so important that inmates be safe drivers	(25)
		Star Trek nerd who spent £30,000 turning his flat into the Voyagers flight deck has sold it for five times its market value. Still can't get laid	(68)
		Did you know Mount Rushmore is actually located in Australia?	(71)
		Parents could need permits to drive their children to school under a proposal to curb obesity	(56)
(Some Guy)		Today's "handcuffed suspect wriggles through plexiglas barrier and steals cop car" brought to you by Georgia	(6)
		Before ordering 6000 T-shirts for your stores, first make sure the cool Cyrillic script isn't a Neo-nazi slogan	(75)
		Old and busted: paying for braces for your kids. New hotness: paying for braces for your cat	(34)
		For the second time, family chases half naked man out of their 4-year-old daughter's bed	(75)
		The Leaning Tower of Surat leans no more	(15)
(Some Guy)		That guy who slept in a dumpster and was shocked, SHOCKED to end up in a garbage truck now has a lawyer. Cuz, you know, dumpsters should be a safe place for people to sleep	(49)
(Some Guy)		Since taking care of all the important issues, Wisconsin is working on making themselves the official birthplace of the burger	(31)
		Australian police claim Mythbusters "could be" inspiring students to make bombs	(65)
		Girl fighting rare, life-threatening disease gets kidney transplant. Now she has three of them	(40)
		Guy leads police on high-speed chase, ends up with his SUV trapped vertically between two overpasses (w/pic and video goodness)	(32)
(Some Guy)		Rutgers class president can't graduate with the rest of her year after being charged with burglary in student residence where she was an advisor. Would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids	(34)
		$35 adult slot machine diapers might be a sign that Canadians are either incredibly incontinent or enjoy gambling to an unhealthy degree	(38)
		The greatest metaphor for a woman's pubic hair ever: "[T]he map of Tasmania." (article covers sorta Not safe for work topics)	(78)
		Detroit mayor spends 8K from community fund toward family spa vacation. Motor City population decreased by 50,000 over the last 5 years. No connection though	(45)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop those tourists staring into a hole	(131)
		China shoots down one of its own satellites for "scientific purposes." Riiiiight	(43)
		Lego - the company so non-violent that for years it refused to produce green bricks in case boys used them to build tanks – begins supplying its action figures with guns for first time	(141)
		Soccer fans in England outraged at having to pay £8 or a hamburger at stadiums. NFL fans take a swig of $10 watered-down beer and sneer	(58)
		Matthew and Tracy Pepper, married, graduate from Vanderbilt University with both earning the title of Doctor. Dr. Peppers. Get it? If not, this article will ram it down your throat with a potato masher	(62)
(WRAL)		Baptist church's sign criticizing Islam, offense ensues	(178)
		Inventor of lethal injection method of execution has suggestion for those who think it is too cruel: "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the guillotine. It can be operated by an idiot and it is a very effective instrument"	(149)
		Mrs. USA, I laugh at your public drunkenness and raise you a strangling	(23)
(CapitalNews9)		25-year-old, wounded Iraq vet doesn't understand why he can't go to his girlfriend's senior prom	(196)
		I-Mockery unearths the pilot episode of "Tag Team" - a TV show that was never greenlighted, starring Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura as two ex-wrestlers who decide to become crime fighting cops	(42)

		Fish farm workers pulled from giant vat of fish sludge	(35)
		Court rules woman who had willingly had sex with man she thought was her boyfriend in a dark room can't later claim she was raped when she discovered he wasn't	(264)
		PC gone wild: Disney worried movie not due for at least two years will be "racially offensive"	(193)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this tube head	(85)
(Some Beer Lover)		Congress is considering a bill that would cut the tax on beer by half, presumably making beer cheaper. This group is against cheap beer, but helpfully provides a list of Congressmen you can thank	(103)
		Surveillance video released of everyone's favorite crazy astronaut as she stalked her target at Orlando International Airport (with video, photos)	(38)
(WAOW)		This cow has two noses. How does it smell? Terrible. Terrible	(43)
		Rolling Stone's top five bad albums by good artists	(300)
		Bottles of bleach found in an empty field. OMG TERRISTS	(98)
		You knew it was coming: the "Celebrity Media Apology" already reduced to a pathetic marketing gimmick	(78)
(Some Guy)		Bad: Teens caught after stealing school bus. Worse: They crashed the bus into a deputy State Attorney General's car. Fark: They kidnapped the deputy State Attorney General	(72)
		Apparently it’s still OK to have sex with your dog in Washington	(123)
(Enquirer)		Future Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader arrested with 2 bottles of "pure grain alchohol". Complete with kissing of strangers and running around half naked goodness	(135)
(Eagle Tribune)		Andover Massachusetts police would like to sell you several bags of panties they don't need any more	(77)
		Public urination is a big problem in Western Canada. In related news, there's something called the World Toilet Organization	(118)
		FARKtv - Give your mom the shaft	(93)
(Some Crazy Alaskan)		Man flings urine-soaked socks at police after 100mpg high speed chase	(71)
		New census data finds 'Katrina' is a surprisingly unpopular name for babies in the United States for some reason	(89)
(The Warden)		Photoshop these prison signs (and don't drop the soap)	(90)
		Barack Obama also doesn't want to see a pantyless Britney Spears. The Smoking Gun is there	(191)
(The Local)		If you're scamming the welfare system by pretending to be blind, don't let the cops catch you driving a car. Three times	(44)
(940 Montreal)		Montreal city worker ruins bar mitzvah by making rude comments, stealing and trying to sell stuff. Then things get weird	(57)
		YouTube to remove videos making fun of Thailand's idiot douchebag King Bhumibol Adulyadej	(132)
(Peterborough Examiner)		Actual Headline: "Passerby punched for no reason". Bonus: If you said 'drug deal gone bad' give yourself one gold star	(44)
		Abilene residents rally to keep Bob Barker sculpture	(46)
(The Register-Herald)		It's usually OK to get in the right lane to let faster traffic pass. Unless, of course, the right lane is wet concrete and blocked by traffic cones	(93)
(Record Online)		Man accidentally shoots himself in leg, decides to tell cops that he was the victim of a carjacking to cover it up. Cops charge him with criminal dumbassery, possession of marijuana	(27)
		Midwife disciplined for pulling a pregnant woman's umbilical cord so hard she dragged the woman halfway down the bed. The Aristocrats!	(129)
		Obama: "We should force our auto makers to make cars that average 45mpg like Japanese cars do" Toyota: "What the hell are you talking about, rookie?"	(632)
		Newspaper questions how far vice officers should be allowed to go to determine if a stripper is breaking the law. With examples that make you really wish you were a vice officer	(114)
		Jealous of all the press the Department of the Blindingly Obvious has been getting, the Department of Wishful Thinking releases a study claiming 1 in 4 women want to star in porn and 1 in 3 want to be spanked	(188)
		Please note that your Satellite Navigation system may not warn you of oncoming trains	(78)
		Mooninite duo apologizes for Boston being run by dumbass spazoid politicians	(111)
		Today's Democratic politician too important to obey speed limits comes to you from Governor Bill Richardson	(160)
(Some Guy)		A look at the weird contents of Carl Sagan's 1970s message to intelligent extraterrestrials	(149)
(Some Guy)		Former president of ACLU arrested for kiddie porn, proving once and for all that the ACLU is a front for Godless communism	(195)
(The Local)		Vegas run by gays and Jews, says Viking magician before vanishing from USA forever	(55)
		Sex tapes can get you into trouble, especially when you're married, having an affair, doing drugs and the man you're having sex with dies of a heart attack and it's all caught on tape. (Video)	(68)
		Whoa, Evenflo...Car seat breaks and baby fliiieees...Oh, you don't know...so we're taking them awaaaay, yeah (them away, them away)	(125)
		This film has been rated R by the MPAA for strong language, sexual content and...smoking?	(120)
		David Bowie is taking over Manhattan. Take heed, all you babies named Toby	(80)
(Some Guy)		Denver residents advised to stay the hell away from the city's squirrels, unless they really want the words 'bubonic plague' to appear in their obituaries	(69)
		Chicago Fark Party. June 8th BlackRock on Damen. Drew will be there. Will you?	(57)
		Allstate may have to change their name to Moststate after deciding that California homeowners are pretty much on their own these days	(118)
		L.A. Housing Department pays Zen monk $20,000 to teach its executives sphincter control, swordfighting	(50)
		CBS concludes that people who don't enjoy the news with Katie Couric should take a good hard look at themselves to find out why they hate women so much	(171)
		Gnats are actually attacking people. EVERYBODY PANI- oh wait, it's just gnats	(59)
		Teens who drink socially with parents less likely to binge later on. No word on smoking an ounce of prevention with them	(143)
		OJ Simpson, who claimed the Kentucky restaurant owner who recently threw him out on his ass was racist, drops lawsuit threat (with audio)	(86)
		MLB players' union refuses to release medical records for Senator Mitchell's steroid investigation	(84)
(Some Guy)		Reminder: tomorrow, you can put all your disgusting canned goods on the porch, and your mailman will get rid of them for you, free	(132)
		Pervert photopraphs women and children making toilet, sentenced to four months of having his aperture opened up	(66)
		Photoshop a Mother's Day card for someone who doesn't like their mother	(92)
		Legally blind woman keeps getting bounced from the pub because they think she's drunk	(42)
		Man chained up for marriage punishment. Usually you have to pay extra for that	(15)
		NASA study: Eastern U.S. getting hotter, Leon getting larger	(337)
		Australian Prime Minister compares Snoop Dogg to Holocaust denier David Irving. Bonus weirdness: he said this to a bunch of school kids	(25)
		Anheuser-Busch criticized for making drink aimed at teens. Must be that new Spiderman 3 Malt Liquor	(63)
		I can has diplomacy?	(131)
		I fought the law and the law...just kind of gave up. Why it's sometimes worth fighting a speeding ticket	(47)
		Pope Benedict warns Brazilian youth off sex and drugs, rock n roll is still under review	(59)
(Some Guy)		Wisconsin woman calls 911 to ask for them to send a babysitter, refers to her call as a "nanny 911"	(58)
		Dinner honoring local police department turns awkward when the hired entertainment performs racist song "Press 1 For English"	(137)
		Town shows fighting obesity can take a village. A fat, fat village	(31)
(iht.com)		Woman vies to be first female Venice gondoliera but the men-only association is fighting it. Oh solo Mia	(21)
(WCAU)		Today's hot female teacher-turned-lover brought to you by Woolwich, N.J. and the girls' field hockey team (with pic)	(125)
(Dog Does Not Want)		Obviously never having so much as glanced at Fark, Georgia company markets dog food made from broccoli	(51)
		Cop eats 'special' brownies calls 911 and says "I think we're dying. We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do."	(139)
		Divorce? In my country? It's less common than you think	(57)
		Bottled water killing the planet. Fark calls for immediate cull of Evian-sipping wankers	(97)
(jg-tc online)		Study names Red Lobster, T.G.I. Friday's, and eight other national chains as area's most desired restaurants. In other news, sample group was full of asshats	(229)
(Some Guy)		Teacher accused of writing love letters to her 12-year-old student says God has forgiven her and she wants everyone to do the same	(75)
		WWII ace gets buried in coffin shaped like a Hawker Hurricane fighter plane (with pics)	(67)
		Thief steals van and gets more than he bargained for when he finds two-year-old inside, returns van to owner	(37)
		Health authorities felt the need to tell parents not to use flea and tick treatment on children. Your child wants doggy shampoo	(21)
		A man "whomped his thumb" with a hammer and the ensuing X-ray revealed an implant in his wrist placed there 20 years earlier by aliens in a ship that was "100 foot long, 20 foot wide and about 10 foot high."	(118)
		Chick randomly hatches from store-bought eggs on news of Tony Blair's resignation	(65)
		Actual Headline: "Man with panties on face attempts to rob W.Va. store"	(61)

		Theme: Sugar, spice, everything nice; snips, snails, puppy-dog tails: Create a Nutrition Facts label for yourself or someone famous	(40)
		NYPD clerk charged with stealing dead man's wedding ring, won't need it where he's going	(44)
(Senic Sports)		Caption this bobcat and his canine friends	(64)
		Huge wildfire erupts on California's Santa Catalina Island. If only there were some kind of easily accessible, abundant water supply nearby to help extinguish it	(76)
		World record holder for holding world records wants to be the world record holder for underwater hoola hooping	(44)
		Sometimes the bear eats you and sometimes the safety regulators charge your employer, then it gets weird	(35)
(Some Guy)		Jane Fonda fondles a nervous Stephen Colbert	(280)
		Man who is golfing attempts to recover lost ball, has heart attack, drowns. The Aristocrats	(107)
		If you dressed a stillborn fawn in a baby sleeper with a bib reading "You think I'm cute? You should see my aunt," and left it in a basket outside a Tacoma theatre, there a bunch of baffled cops there who'd like a word	(89)
(KSAT)		Man tries to bribe his way out of being arrested, calls buddies to bring money. Mass arrest-ularity ensues (with pissed off pic)	(44)
		The sale price of a Dutch child in Asia hasn't changed since 2002	(62)
(Some Guy)		Today's "Dildo gun, bullets, and bisected skulls" story brought to you by Edmonton, Alberta. You just can't make this stuff up	(94)
		Toronto municipal employees banned from using Facebook, but city councillors exempt themselves from the ban because they need to communicate with constituents, especially hot young female ones with low self-esteem	(41)
		Today's 70ft inflatable man floating above a city brought to you by Milan, Italy	(42)
(Some SysAdmin)		Photoshop these I.T. guys cooling their server room with dry ice	(83)
		Some of the dumbest song lyrics of all time. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck"	(456)
		New Jersey terror plotters sought to get 7.62mm AK-47 assault rifles, so legislature takes the obvious step and outlaws .50 caliber rifles	(432)
		Must be a slow news day: News media trots out the same tired story about pole-dancing exercise. Just let it go, guys	(90)
(Some Guy)		Motorcyclist comes up with foolproof way to beat speeding tickets: Blast past the cops at 170 mph so they don't even have time to get your plate numbers	(376)
(Some Guy)		Elementary students in North Carolina raise $2,000 so beloved 71-year-old school janitor can fulfill his lifelong dream of seeing Golden Gate Bridge. Awwwwwww	(131)
(ME Times)		Remember when we told you Hamas took Mickey bin Laden off the air? Well, they didn't	(239)
		Study confirms Canadians are being gouged at the pumps. Magic 8-ball unavailable for comment	(161)
		Milwaukee errs on the side of caution, worried that the irony would create a rift in the space-time continuum	(89)
		Step 1: Rob bishop. Step 2: Profit. Step 3: Return later to pizza shop next door, try to rob old woman and beat her with her own cane. Step 4: Profit? No	(44)
		Are you an ugly, lazy, fat jackass? You too can blame your thyroid	(229)
		More and more women come forward claiming Phil Spector pulled guns on them. In other news, Phil Spector is still welcome at most steakhouses in Los Angeles	(55)
		The "new" AT&T gets ripped a new arse in spying case	(419)
		British council decides it actually wasn't such a great idea to send motorcyclist who hit deer a £386 bill to clean up the mess he made of the road (with pic of said biker in hospital)	(42)
(Daily Herald)		Today's "teacher having sex with a middle school student and then running off to Mexico with him" story brought to you by Tompkinsville, KY	(160)
(Newark Advocate)		Inattentive motorist left gas nozzle in tank and drove off, ripping hose away from gas pump, which lit a spark and made the pump go "KABOOM." Propane tanks unimpressed by explosive display	(68)
		Check the pattern buffer and narrow the containment beam. Scotty's particles are lost in subspace... er... New Mexico	(92)
(Some phone tracker)		Kid forgets to turn off phone in concert. Police call to invite him to hospital for heart transplant	(112)
		Bear livens up Alaska couple's breakfast by killing a moose in their driveway. With video goodness	(137)
(WUSA)		Doctors: You have Parkinson's disease. Wait no, it's Multiple Sclerosis. After three years of treatment for MS: Sorry, you never had MS. You've had breast cancer the whole time. Our bad	(78)
(Some bird)		Pub pays tribute to patron, who liked to eat raw bacon. They thought he died once before, however it was premature, but this time he wasn't fakin'	(46)
		Today's "almost school shooting" story brought to you by the People's Republic of Boulder. Men in camouflage and ski masks scared away by... a chef	(99)
(IHT)		Putin likens U.S. foreign policy to that of Third Reich. This should end well	(381)
		Prime minister of Australia quizzed by teenager about how he grooms two caterpillars that live above his eyes	(32)
		Dick Cheney "may be" on D.C. madam's infamous list. Compared to war crimes and shooting his friends in the face, this is probably a minor infraction	(228)
		Hundreds of men in Britain falsely accused of being pedophiles were actually victims of credit card fraud. Pete Townshend vows he won't get fooled again	(53)
		Remember that motorist who was videotaped beating up a cyclist? Yeah, he was a cop	(123)
		Tornado victim disputes governor's claim that there were no Hummers. "I was getting Hummers every day," he said. Submitter wants to be a tornado victim too now	(88)
		Woman sues hospital after child birth because they won't let her eat the placenta	(265)
(Some Guy)		Submitter calls on the power of Fark to help a deserving teacher. DIT	(261)
(Mail & Guardian)		Father of the Year candidate hires three strippers for his son's 16th birthday party	(102)
(Some Guy)		Student knows class president is just a popularity contest, joins school board for the real power	(42)
		The oldest profession gets screwed by the 2nd oldest as prostitutes become liable for tax	(59)
(Some Guy)		Theme: Flintstone appliances not shown on the TV show	(49)
		Female astronauts on the space shuttle can pee standing up. Submitter hopes this space age technology one day becomes available to us earthlings. It's not news, it's the BBC	(51)
(WBAL)		Baltimore Raven's QB Steve McNair arrested for DUI in Tennessee. Oh, and he wasn't driving	(132)
		What's the greatest nation in the world? Resignation	(196)
(Metrowest Daily News)		College girls steal 1,000 copies of their school's newspaper because they felt they looked "too fat" in the front page photo (with pics that now the whole world will see)	(382)
		Pope to canonize Brazilian monk after hundreds claim miracle cures after taking his paper pills inscribed with prayers. No word on whether he'll also be named the patron saint of placebos	(82)
(Some Guy)		Quadriplegic man gets drunk, drives his bed to a whorehouse, misses the turn, and drives six miles down the highway before the cops stop him. ¡Viva España! (With pic)	(50)
(The Local)		Man sets fire to own apartment to teach neighbours a lesson for not cleaning out lint trap in community dryer	(35)
		Officer sees "shiny object" and fires. What was that object, you ask? A gun? A knife? Nope, a bag of pot	(88)
(Lansing State Journal)		Woman sues church after the Lord strikes her down at the altar	(52)
		Vancouver man finds pre-chewed gum in his Big Xtra after biting into his burger and tasting peppermint. Here comes the hepatitis	(36)
		Queen evokes gravity at NASA: "Let them derive F = GMm/r², where G = 6.67*10-¹¹ N-m²/kg²"	(118)
		Proposed Texas zombie farm on hold over concerns that region lacks sufficient brains	(43)
(Some Metro)		New study released from the Institute of Pulling Numbers out of Our Asses: Men are more concerned with the brand of their handbags than women	(59)
		Elderly woman killed by runaway truck tire, not a Goodyear for her	(57)
(Examiner - Enterprise)		If you've recently gone crystal digging in Oklahoma and found some strange vials of yellow liquid, the government would like them back. Oh yeah.. and don't open them	(46)
		Boy receives passing grade in Australian school's newest P.E. activity... javelin catching	(30)
(Some Guy)		With all problems solved, the Tennessee Senate bans motorcyclists from riding on one wheel	(60)
(Orlando Sentinel)		Q. What do you do on the 15th anniversary of murdering your father? A. Murder your mother. Bonus: Suspect arrested at nudist colony, no indication if she was concealing a weapon	(26)
(Some Guy)		96-year-old man has lived in the same house all his life. "Why would I want to leave?"	(42)
(Some Guy)		New York Post rolls back its 100 percent price increase and goes back to selling papers for a quarter after hundreds of thousands of readers abandoned it for sites where they can read the news for $5 a month	(40)
(wistv.com)		Man leads cops on car chase, finishes his beer and cocaine during standoff before he surrenders	(23)
		Man gets shot while stealing a game console from a security vehicle in which a guard was sitting	(43)
		Poppy the St. Bernard gives birth to 13 cute-ass pups (with adorable pic)	(55)
		Widow of one of the July 7th bombers interviewed. In other news, no one outside of Britain remembers what happened on July 7th	(57)
		Reporter says restaurant should control how much you eat, not you	(58)
		Minnesota man encounters 104-pound wolf under his deck. Alaska residents call that "Wednesday"	(53)
		First ever ugly-ass baby elephant born in Ireland. With pic	(19)
		How to make money: Say you saw a ghost, then sue the paper that publishes the story because everyone thinks you're insane	(14)
		George Lucas' company IL&M didn't work on "Spider-Man 3" because he thought it was a "silly, silly movie." The man is right -- who needs whiny brats turning evil and wearing black costumes?	(115)
		“You’re talking somebody being robbed and shot in their home for a games console. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect in America, not here. The violence used was extreme”	(106)
		Oral sex linked to throat cancer	(329)
(Scranton Times-Tribune)		Not news: Emergency team rescues man dangling from power line. News: It's a dummy. Fark: A dummy left from one of their training exercises	(32)
		City of Milan hands out drug-test kits to parents so they can test their kids for pot and coke	(42)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this lovely older lady	(69)
(Some Guy)		Coolest picture of the Milky Way as seen from Death Valley you will see today	(108)
		Chinese chickens playing soccer, complete with commentary on the number of "fowls" they're committing. What the hell, it's Fark.com	(23)
		Man runs into music store, hits woman repeatedly with piece of wood, runs out without taking anything. Police theorize it was either an unusually stupid robber or an average drummer	(58)
(Farktography)		Theme of Farktography Contest No. 105: "Happy Anniversary II." Details in first post. LGT next week's theme	(220)

(Some Guy)		If your sex toy has been banned from a country because of fears that it will disrupt military equipment, you no longer need a marketing department	(82)
(KPHO Phoenix)		Scottsdale, AZ police chief's daughter arrested for second time in two months (with "eh, I'd hit it" pic goodness)	(147)
		Scientists start working on free, online catalog of all Earth's 1.8 million documented species. Now Drew's wife can quickly identify that giant spider behind the clock	(120)
(Some Guy)		If you come up with the 11-point plan for carrying out the perfect murder, don't write down the steps and leave it on your laptop where the cops will find it later	(80)
(Business Wire)		The 2,000-foot-tall Chicago penis-shaped compensating-for-something spire receives final approval of city council	(154)
(Jerusalem Post)		Hamas bows to pressure and pulls Mickey bin Laden children's program	(115)
(Pennlive.com)		Sperm donor must pay child support for children of a lesbian couple for whom he provided sperm	(270)
(Some Guy)		Black bus driver fired for calling black student the N-word during argument. Please	(178)
(Some zombie)		Not news: A musical is made out of a film. News: The film is "Evil Dead." Fark: It stars Mustard Man	(104)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this plain brown bench	(72)
		Parrot lost in Michigan ends up in found Las Vegas. Owner identifies parrot because "she has spoken to the parrot on the telephone and knows it's him"	(49)
		Jared from Subway likes sandwiches, porn	(111)
		How many different ways can Rush Limbaugh fans call TV station employees morons? Here's a sample of the 2,800 submissions	(223)
		"You can not accurately predict if and when a given virus will become a pandemic virus," said Chicken Little as The Boy Who Cried Wolf nodded agreement	(46)
		Not news: Man catches foul ball at game. Still not news: Man refuses to give ball to younger fan. Fark: The man keeping the ball is future Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson	(117)
(Star Bulletin)		United plane returns to LAX gate so that Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family can be removed from flight after refusing to buy second seat for Beth's boobs	(154)
		After Rush sells 84,000 copies of new record in first week, columist blames it on the publics' poor taste. Submitter says it's the blame of salesmen... OF SALESMEN!	(444)
		Wild, wild horses couldn't drag them away, but nearby stables can make them relocate their concerts	(44)
		He was wearing about a dozen pairs of women's underwear under his clothing, a sheriff's deputy said	(63)
		Paris' pardon plea laughed out of governor's office	(461)
		That guy who bid $10 million on the General Lee on eBay? Yeah, it's looking like he doesn't really have $10 million	(68)
		She offered her honour. He honoured her offer. All night long, His Honour was on her and off her	(122)
		If 87 people know your secret, it ain't a secret no more	(40)
		EBay in talks to acquire StumbleUpon for $75 million. In related news, Fark.com in talks to acquire Heineken for $24 a case	(63)
		Federal Reserve does nothing	(165)
		The Irish girl who was refused travel to receive an abortion is now allowed to travel	(132)
(World Net Daily)		Burn the American flag and it’s an exercise in free speech. Burn a Mexican flag and you better be ready for charges of intimidation, unlawful assembly and disorderly conduct	(182)
(Some Guy)		The best "11-year-old sets fire to potato chips display" story you've seen all day. Link goes to article; video link on side	(34)
		Broadcast TV loses 2.5 million viewers in one year. Producers of "The Real Wedding Crashers" and executives who cancelled "Drive" blame daylight savings time and DVRs	(268)
(National Hurricane Center)		Let's give a warm welcome to Andrea, this year's first subtropical storm	(102)
(Daily Mail)		Sketch of kidnapper suspected of abducting three-year-old girl in Portugal released. This ain't gonna narrow things down any (with pic of apparent egg with hair)	(150)
		Scientists discover protein that originally made human brains highly intelligent, and decide to artificially induce its production in laboratory chimps' brains. We all know how this one turns out, with the Statue of Liberty and everything	(170)
		Fark TV: Bloopers from Seasons 1 and 2	(113)
(KFDM)		The pen is mightier than the sword. As it turns out, the Taser also shares that distinction	(59)
(Homer Derby)		Vernon Wells gets back at some heckling fans by sending them the greatest autographed baseball you'll ever see (pics)	(97)
		EU backs away from plan to ban pound and ounce measurements. Suck it, metrics	(169)
		Netflix queue replacing the remote as source of marital conflict	(112)
(Some Artist)		Not news: Bartender confiscates underage drinker's fake ID. News: She posts it on her website. Fark: Underage drinker files DMCA complaint	(231)
		George Lucas planning on making two Star Wars TV movies. Won't somebody please think of the ewoks?	(211)
		French business community breathing easier now that Bill O'Reilly has lifted his boycott of French products. Paris Business Review personally thanks O'Reilly for boycott, which increased French imports to the U.S. by almost 30 percent. O RLY?	(99)
		Casino staff not properly trained to spot and stop gambling addicts. Casino owners snicker, say they'll get right on that	(77)
(DelawareOnline)		Campus outrage again as students hold Cinco de Mayo party and post pictures on Facebook of themselves dressed as Hispanic gardeners	(283)
(Some Balloon Guy)		Photoshop this soldier and his balloons	(64)
(The Courier-Journal)		O.J. Simpson's attorney plays race card and says he may go after steakhouse's liquor license after O.J. denied admission	(277)
(wwtdd)		How surprised would you be to see that Paris Hilton is still driving her car?	(322)
		Hamas on BBC kidnapping by rival group: "We reject these methods used by certain Muslim believers because they harm Islam." Seriously. They said that. Hamas	(302)
		Entire wedding party dines and dashes at reception	(63)
		Parents shrink daughter so she's easy to care for. Hospital says, "Yeah, looking back, we probably shouldn't have let you do that"	(336)
		Marilyn Manson's new video is so shocking that it starts with a warning that it's not suitable for kids under 16 -- as if parents would be watching MTV with their kids. In related news, they still play music videos on MTV. Who knew?	(214)
		Today's "eighth grader suspended for taking Tylenol in school" story brought to you by Norfolk, VA	(113)
(Charleston Gazette)		Judge throws out student's lawsuit against teacher for failing grade on leaf collection	(102)
		Nothing says class like defrauding war veterans and stealing their medals	(25)
		Psychic Uri Geller sued after trying to remove critical YouTube clip. Says he never saw it coming	(113)
(Some Guy)		Caption Alec Baldwin's view	(89)
		Dick "Go F**k Yourself" Cheney makes a surprise visit to Baghdad; teaches warring factions all about diplomacy; calms everybody with his peaceful demeanor	(204)
(WXYZ-7)		With a fork through his ear, 86-year old man finds out in the worst way why you don't screw the help. With pic of perp, bring your own goggles	(76)
(MaineToday.com)		2.5-year-old falls from third-floor window and lands safely on a discarded tarp below. Gets up and says... nothing, he's only 2.5	(75)
		Times Square generates more revenue than Panama, Bolivia. It also spends more money on Panama and Bolivia's "product"	(28)
		Bill Clinton designs a crossword for the New York Times. What's a six-letter word for ashtray?	(93)
(Some Guy)		Typical contraband found during Irish prison cell sweep: Drugs, booze, live birds... wait, what? And that's not even the best part	(56)
(KOTV-6)		We've replaced Lisa's regular tea with urn cleaner. Let's see if she notices	(34)
		Teen grows pot on police chief's land. Florida tag strikes again	(25)
(Some Guy)		News: Man decapitates himself. Fark: With a chainsaw	(137)
		You know you probably won't pass your driving test when you realise you've been directed to the nearest police station	(17)
		Burger King overcharges $8,000+ on woman's Visa card. That's a Whopper of a mistake	(76)
		Brits spend £32,000 on alcohol in their lifetimes, poll finds. Slightly intoxicated Farkers sneer, make slightly slurred jokes about it being Amateur Night every night back in the Sceptered Isle	(75)
(Some Guy)		Mom and daughter keep sex diary, compare notes... for everyone to read. No, it's not submitter's mom	(108)
		Photoshop these young pyromaniacs	(70)
		Huge 4.6 earthquake in Montana startles several cows, knocks some bricks off a building, reinforces local wingnuts notion that the End Days are nigh	(39)
		Did you know in Austria, libraries use erotic hotlines to raise money?	(24)
		Prison officials refuse dying man's wish that his last meal be given to the homeless	(147)
		Guy with no arms and one leg eludes police on high-speed car chase. Again	(57)
		While the mask did help to conceal his identity, ultimately he would have had a better chance of being undetected if he had robbed a bar that wasn't owned by his parents	(14)
		Giraffe to students: "Get off my lawn"	(19)
		Barack Obama announces new death toll in Kansas tornado is 10,000, up from the initial count of... 12. The 1,600 residents of the town scratch their heads collectively	(268)
(SomeSoloGuy)		Han Solo-isms for everyday life	(68)
		Playwright ordered to warn audiences that his act features a dead chicken to avoid offending vegetarians. But then, what doesn't?	(51)
		Gas-station owner in trouble for selling discounted gas to senior citizens	(42)
(New Haven Register)		Bear causes school lockdown. Steven Colbert plans scathing editorial	(28)
		The plastic cassette tape: 1965-2007. Hundreds mourn the obsolesence of a machine munching their tunes	(220)
		Prison guards arrested for abuse of inmates, including forcing them to clean toilets with their tongues. You knew what state this happened in without looking at the tag	(32)
		Guy builds $90-million media empire copying other artists' work. He would have gotten away with it too, if not for those meddling internet kids	(99)
(Some Guy)		Female Colorado teacher forgets to have sex with her students when boozing them up at parties. Mugshot apparently taken immediately after party	(50)
		PA teacher accused of seducing ninth graders on, you guessed it, MyS... wait, Facebook?	(96)

		Man in India campaigns for political party to protect rights of "living dead"; founds Braaaaaaaaaaains Party	(31)
		U.S student perishes in New Zealand glacier accident. Damnation, that's one slow student	(35)
		Ferry on San Francisco Bay stops to pick up one more passenger, a woman in the water who was distressed and undressed	(26)
(Foster's Online)		Police charge man with wiretapping after he makes tape recording of his own arrest	(122)
		Woman blindfolds husband, tells him he’s in for a big surprise. HAMMER BEATING	(109)
(The Age)		Australian morning TV host regrets saying that he was so hungover, he felt like he'd had sex with a black man; says it was a white man and it was hardly noticeable	(73)
		Woman wants new lease. Super says, "Here's your new lease" and punches her in the face. Super also told woman to take bedbugs infesting her apartment, wrap them in a taco and feed it to her kids	(111)
		Holy Bible now translated into Aboriginal language for anyone who was previously free of fear and shame	(371)
(Some Guy)		Indiana simulates a nuclear explosion to test the state's response, because we all know Indiana would be the first one hit	(141)
(The Courier-Journal)		Louisville steakhouse opts not to serve O.J. Simpson instead of going through trouble of removing knives from all its tables	(242)
		Workers draining propane tank start little bonfire, quickly turns into massive explosion (w/great video of propane tanks exploding)	(58)
		More than a million people have paid in advance to find out Harry Potter dies in book seven	(267)
(Do not want)		Not news: Man vandalizes a car. News: Car owner shoots vandal. Fark: Car owner was previously arrested for "chewing his dog"	(55)
		Guy whose site offers to deliver post-Rapture letters from Christians to heathen credits Fark.com exposure for a phenomenal boost in his business	(92)
(Creepy Clowns)		Jazz up this little girl and her creepy clown	(76)
		Black writer says white fans are childish, racist for not wanting black baseball player to break black baseball player's record. Puerto Ricans, Samoans unavailable for comment	(306)
(WPTV WPB)		Remember the arctic seal that was swimming around in Florida? Yeah, it's dead. (Submitter saw the seal last week behind his house, along with news helicopters... all damn day)	(48)
		Fire breaks out in L.A. again. Sources say it's the studio execs burning piles of money from "Spider-Man 3"	(141)
		In America, when politicians disagree, they respectfully debate the issue. In Taiwan, they beat each other	(67)
(eCanadaNow)		Paris Hilton has created a petition directed to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask that she be pardoned from any jail time	(286)
		Time story: "A 'Pro-American' French President?" Bonus: Picture of president-elect showing a room full of people how to surrender properly	(109)
		New Jersey lawmakers considering abolishing the death penalty. After all, if they have to live in Jersey, why should convicts get the easy way out?	(163)
		Half of all British residents admit serving steamed hams to dinner guests and claiming they were an old family recipe	(111)
(Some Fear Monger)		West Nile virus season begins in Tennessee. Add that to flu season, hurricane season, terrorist season and shark season, it's a wonder Americans ever leave their bunkers	(84)
		Last year: New York Times won a Pulitzer for exposing the government's data mining for national security. This year: NYT announces it's data mining its own customers to increase profits	(65)
(13WHAM)		"When he just got out of the [crashed] airplane, he said, 'Hi, how are you doing? Someone put a big barn in my way'"	(46)
		Man accused of showing his ass to motorists crossing a bridge blamed his behavior on prescribed medication	(25)
(WHEC)		Next time you think $40K is an unbelievable deal on a house, you're probably right	(98)
		Bank of America continues to authorize fraudulent transactions weeks after woman notifies them her bank account had been compromised. Bonus: The victim's name is Poor	(189)
(Pegasus News)		Small town police blotter reveals female shoplifters in Texas prefer to steal perfume and men favor beer. Everybody, however, enjoys "goin' muddin'"	(38)
		Apparently in India you can declare someone legally dead and then take their stuff	(39)
(CityNews)		Kids on school trip videotape driver punching cyclist in face. America's Funniest Jailarity ensues (w/ vid)	(405)
		Milwaukee Brewers offering free rectal exams today at the ballpark. Better make sure that 12-person beer bong is accessible before and after the exam	(81)
(Some Guy)		Here's to you, Mr. Creepy Guy sending pictures of your junk to teen girls (with mughot badness)	(113)
		KLM accused of helping Nazis flee. KLM responds: "You're unbelievable. WHOA"	(163)
		Arctic seal found in Florida canal. Kvetches that the weather up north makes him meshuggah, looking for a nice beachside resort community	(49)
		Drunken idiot in Indiana decides it would be fun to tip over tombstones in cemetery. Dead take their revenge and trap him under one weighing 1,000 pounds. Don't fark with the dead, kids	(59)
		Accused Fort Dix attackers foiled by suspicious video-store clerk	(237)
(The Ledger)		Students who took out loans to go to culinary school find the only "BAM" they're hearing is coming from their student loan payments crushing their bank accounts	(119)
		Another reason to stay away from Jersey beaches this summer: They're now polluting them with live munitions	(46)
		Canadian conglomerate bids for Reuters. All future Fark headlines to end with "eh," eh	(56)
		Study finds that most parents let babies watch TV to allow themselves to take the occasional break, despite advice from presumably childless scientists	(131)
		Bush makes mistake of winking at the Queen, hiring Frank Drebin to run her security	(306)
		Media: Teens are committing suicide? It must be a death pact EVERYONE PANIC. Cops: Not so fast there	(66)
		Hot girl robs Austin bank	(238)
(WWLTV.com)		Lawmakers: "suck it, cock fiends."	(51)
		Iran to require all TV dramas to feature praying. Audience chants of "Death to America" still optional but encouraged	(111)
		Article about a man stealing pantyhose so full of puns and alliterations that you'll groan yourself to death	(41)
		Saudi Arabia closes Canadian embassy booth at education fair because it was run by a woman. Remember kids, cultural tolerance and feminism do not mix	(135)
		NPR story on Fark (featuring Drew and many attendees of the most recent D.C. Fark Party) Link goes to page with audio, Charlie Brown.	(259)
		Besides gold paint around the mouth, here are some of the other signs of inhalant abuse	(125)
		Son of Sam says he is born again. Victims somewhat less lucky	(226)
		Today's school shooting is brought to you by Fresno State	(106)
		Telephone operators in Wales are being told not to greet callers in the country's native tongue because the language may damage vocal chords	(61)
		McDonald's worker seeks revenge. Sets off fire alarms then urinates on fire trucks	(48)
(Some Guy)		Drew will be on Mancow's Morning Madhouse this AM, check website for local stations or check out their podcast	(120)
		Judge sentences shoplifter to be a Wal-Mart greeter (with photo goodness)	(151)
		Theme: Unlikely baby products	(104)
(E&P)		Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist, tells newspaper publishers he has a "great deal of sympathy for them" because they are "screwed"	(82)
(KARE 11)		Minnesota Senate approves bill allowing police to pull you over for not wearing your seat belt, then write you a special speeding ticket that raises money for the town and doesn't on your record	(221)
		Virginia's new camera-enforcement system at toll booths works about as well as you'd expect	(69)
		Four men steal helper monkey. Second monkey stolen in six months	(84)
		North Korean general tells Bush joke, hopes to get $50 from Censor's Digest	(54)
		Riq al-Romero investigates child mortality in Iraq, finds a shiiteload of it	(92)
		Motorcycle stuntman dies after attempting to jump between two ramps at the Ningaloo Whale Shark Festival. Eyewitnesses report the man's last words were "AAAYYY..."	(68)
(Palm Beach Post)		Rescuers pull a homeless man out of the back of a garbage truck. TA DA	(34)
		Intellectually disabled woman successfully sues rail company for not doing enough to prevent her misguided attempt to jump onto a moving train, which resulted in her losing a leg	(85)
(Townonline.com)		Where's the best place to offer "erotic massage"? If you said "mom's daycare facility," step up and claim your prize	(70)
(thedesertsun.com)		Man threatens to blow up newspaper office after being denied 35 cents off Cool Whip	(37)
(Rochester D&C)		A self-proclaimed anti-violence advocate faces a maximum of 25 years in state prison for beating, pepper spraying and throwing another woman through a window	(55)
		Six NJ men arrested in terror plot to storm Fort Dix and open fire on soldiers and civilians. EVERYBODY PANIC	(355)
(NASA)		NASA finds "The brightest supernova ever." The sun is no longer there	(110)
(Kansan.com)		Man breaks windows, threatens someone with a knife, gets into a police chase and barely misses a fountain full of college kids before crashing into the Chi Omega house. Daniel Simpson "D-Day" Day unavailable for comment	(37)
		Malaysian customs officials threaten to tip nearly 200,000 cans of beer down drain. Fark negotiators, peacekeeping unit en route	(10)
		Climber falls 120 feet off cliff, gets rescued because someone was watching him through a telescope three miles away	(26)
		Ghosts seen, photographed on "deadly" stretch of interstate built on top of graves (with ghost pic)	(195)
		“You helped us celebrate our bicentennial in 1796,” Bush said confidently, and in a split second realised his error	(324)
		Dogs, cat honoured for heroism. Cat was actually being kind of a dick, but was the closest thing they could find to a heroic cat	(37)
		Britain't most famous astronomer declares war on women, wants to look at Uranus	(123)
		The tomb of King Herod has been discovered	(130)
		Write a story in six words or less	(1144)
(KSDK)		Missing St. Louis girl found safe. Link goes to story, first post goes to previous thread	(103)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this surly koala bear	(128)
(Aberdeen American News)		South Dakota's DMV won't be recalling the MPEACHW plate after all. Suck it, neocons	(85)
(Some Guy)		What does Drew's book and a gallon of milk have in common?	(118)
(wbztv)		"Cocaine" energy drink pulled from shelves amid concerns about its name. Clearly, a popular canned drink and an illicit drug sharing a name would cause the public great harm	(101)
(Some Guy)		Today's "12-year-old student receiving love letters from his 42-year-old teacher" story brought to you by Clayton County, Georgia (with video)	(85)

(Bozeman Daily Comical)		♫ Rocky Raccoon, got hit by some goon, and roadkilled in Illinois central ♫ An art student chose, to use baby clothes ♫ To decorate Rocky's crushed entrails ♫	(86)
		Proving what we all know about lawyers: After killing a guy while driving drunk, lawyer states, "I hope the guy has insurance to fix my car"	(116)
		News: Man is reunited with the wallet he lost in 1952. FARK: He lost it while he was doing the ol' hibbity dibbity in the backseat of '46 Hudson	(46)
		A 10-year-old and eight-year-old burgle Play-Doh, popsicles, and crayons from local daycare. Police coerce confessions from the accused by threatening them with cooties	(36)
		Woman prepares to give birth to 17th child. Once again, it's a vagina, not a clown car. Bonus: They live in Arkansas, and the father's name is Jim Bob	(375)
(Some Guy)		Students collect 13,580 newspapers for the humane society so dogs and cats can pee on them	(25)
(www.shorpy.com)		A collection of old photos, many over 100 years old	(51)
		Look, nothing I could make up would be as good as the real headline. Just click the link	(175)
		Newest trend among border smugglers: Transvestite tikes	(21)
		It's bad enough to make your prom outfit out of duct tape, but do you really need to cover it in flowers too?	(91)
		Brand new coronary ward in hospital kills eight patients in just over two weeks, because no one bothered to see if the stuff coming out of the oxygen mask was actually oxygen	(124)
		Boss must pay $32,300 to employee after forcing her to go drinking with fellow employees. Submitter: "Better get lawyered up, Drew, there's legal precedent now." Drew: "If we lose, then what the hell, at least we died trying"	(78)
(KSDK)		Police searching for missing St. Louis girl (friend of Farkette -- good luck)	(252)
(The Syndicate)		Chris and Adam from Fountains of Wayne (who are also Farkers) try to make Neil Sedaka relevant to the kids by performing live on stage with him	(113)
		Man tries to get $5 million for eight bricks of white paper he claims was $4 million in cash dyed white	(79)
		Not news: Bay Area couple pays a half-million for a house. News: It's an 870-square-foot dump. Fark: It collapses during renovation	(247)
		Photoshop this long jumper	(84)
		EA cuts deal with The Weather Channel, so all games played in NCAA Football '08 will be played in real-time weather conditions. (Halfway down the page)	(112)
(kake)		Greensburg tornado survivor found in rubble two days later	(36)
(Some Guy)		Today's drain-circling update from Venezuela: Chavez moves to outlaw all but one political party and orders the country's largest steel producer to stop exporting	(295)
		Paul Wolfowitz quits World Bank to open hair salon "Spit 'n' Lick"	(125)
(Some Guy)		Los Angeles County Superior Court judge suspends David Hasselhoff's right to visit his children in the wake of the video showing the actor drunk on his living room floor	(172)
		Bush joked that the queen just "gave me a look that only a mother could give a child"	(242)
		Christian complains about increasing number of books on atheism. Too bad there aren't any books that support Christianity. Some sort of Bible or something like that	(1050)
		18,000 Mexicans strip for nude photograph, then all leave in one van	(134)
		Fark TV: Being a pro athlete has its advantages, your Honor	(58)
		Don't you hate it when you're in the bathroom at a party and a fat guy is watching you from the tub? Sponsored link (possibly not safe for work, safe for broadcast TV though)	(52)
		Cops are now calling the Vegas backpack bomb a targeted murder, not a terrorist act. Everybody stop panicking, and on a related note, be sure to pay your bookie what you owe him	(42)
		Refinery? No way. Nuclear power plant? Get that out of here. Deadly disease germ lab? Why hell yes, we'll take two, please	(58)
		Not news: Elevator doors get jammed. News: Elevator was vandalised. Fark: Vandals found trapped in elevator	(32)
(The Consumerist)		Not satisfied with just charging people for not using long distance, AT&T is docking its customers up to eight minutes per actual minute spent during in-state calls. Bonus: They claim it's to pay a nonexistent FCC fee	(129)
		Warren Buffett wants to buy a "big" business. Apparently, he's bored with his Margaritaville thingy	(63)
(Some Guy)		City officials are used to opening parking ticket envelopes and finding pennies or spit, but man who filled his with dog crap described as "a take-the-cake kind of a guy"	(53)
		Top painter to lose home over nude "Mother India"	(44)
		Building a Pirate fort out in the woods with your buddies is really cool if you're 10 yrs old. When you're 20 then it's just creepy	(150)
		Verizon drops sponsorship of Akon after he dances raunchy with a 14-year-old girl. They had no problem promoting his song "Smack That," though: "Go to my place and kick it like Tae-Bo and possibly bend you over"	(150)
		Say what you want about the Taliban, but they sure aren't violating the Americans With Disabilities Act	(40)
(kwch)		Greensburg tornado snatched famous 1,000-pound Pallasite meteorite	(94)
		Scientists develop cap that shoots magnetic pulse through your skull so you can cram a full night's sleep into three hours	(118)
(Some Guy)		Wisconsin daredevils tempt Darwin by tying a couch to a pickup and riding it through a pasture. Darwin apparently thinks it's too easy and leaves them only injured	(35)
		ABC announces end date to "Lost." Harlem Globetrotters rumored to show up in final season	(156)
(Hugh Hewitt)		Minneapolis Star Tribune deals with crashing readership by canceling one of its most popular features: Farker James Lileks' column	(101)
(Rochester D&C)		Man buys winning $2 trifecta ticket for Kentucky Derby... and loses $13,240 in the process. (Second story)	(81)
		Newsweek says cheerleading is getting more popular. The photo they decided to run with the story is equally disturbing	(213)
(Some Farkman Guy)		New video game by Farker Parallax features Weird Al Yankovic killing computer viruses. OMGWTFLOLBBQ is the new UHF	(27)
		U.S. Defense Department pwned by a painted Canadian quarter	(92)
(Alternet)		Some author carefully examines whether stripping is a feminist act. Meanwhile, countless Farkers carefully examine the small, black-and-white picture of a stripper accompanying the article	(79)
		One of the most unusual versions of "Take Five" you'll see today ... or ever	(104)
		Recovering NJ governor speeds back into first full day of work	(30)
		CNN picks another Fark TV episode for its main page: This time it's "An Inconsistent Truth"	(78)
(NYM)		New York panhandler wins $100,000 settlement from city police department. Neighborhood immediately starts betting pool on when he'll be broke again. The over/under is three months (pic)	(64)
		One quarter of Americans actually think the "troop surge" is working. Bonus: Many of these people vote	(544)
(Las Vegas Sun)		Backpack explosion kills man in Las Vegas parking garage. In related news, maybe Bush is right in using the same word for "terrorists" and "tourists" ("tarrrists")	(135)
(Some Guy)		Forty percent of people say that gas prices have already caused them to reduce the amount of driving they do. Unfortunately, only 10 percent of these people are being honest	(177)
		An explosion has destroyed a 30-metre section of a gas pipeline crossing Ukraine, stopping the flow of Russian gas to Europe on the news that Paris Hilton's publicist has quit	(70)
		North Korea promises to shut down all their nuclear wessels if they get their bank account back	(38)
		Babysitter shows her eight- and four-year-old charges how to beat dehydration	(74)
		U-Reek-A	(67)
		The woman who sold a grilled cheese sandwich that she claimed resembled the face of the Virgin Mary for $28,000 wants to remember the holy food with a tattoo	(76)
		Theme: Photoshop the next big celebrity faux pas	(69)
(The Local)		Extremist politician arrives at meeting in underpants, reveals his extremities	(28)
		Gunfire at bowling center. Police would like a word with a Mr. Sobchak	(141)
		China warns of population growth because couples have stopped using the "let's drown it if it's a girl" contraception method	(116)
		82-year old man drops shotgun-wielding robber with a head of lettuce. The gunman escaped, obviously not a salad shooter	(38)
		Man strangles wife who found porn on his mobile phone	(79)
		If you're going to swallow baggies of drugs before boarding a plane, try not to vomit them up during the flight	(41)
(Some Guy)		Wild island off Key West to be developed. Endangered birds and homeless people searching for new place to roost	(41)
(KIRO)		Baby found at Arizona motel. John Goodman heard screaming, "Never leave a man behind." Okay, then	(76)
		If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you	(49)
		Kid with Down syndrome makes it a daily routine to dress like Bush and sing "The Star Spangled Banner" (with video)	(175)
		Four soldiers, one police officer, two fake Red Cross workers arrested for looting in tornado-ravaged Greensburg, KS	(50)
		JESUS CHRISТ IТ'S A LIOΝ GEТ IN ТНE CAR	(154)
		Horses: Not just for royalty anymore	(32)
(Some Guy)		"You have cancer and about a year to live. I'm sorry." A year later: "There was no cancer. Oh, and you were awfully foolish selling everything and partying like you had a year to live"	(112)
		Face masks may not slow spread of super flu, still considered effective against extreme butterface and Ed Zachary disease	(15)
		Woman attempts robbery using a blood-filled syringe, gets pwned by off-duty cop	(18)
(ninemsn.com.au)		Woman who was refused a tour of a brothel rams it with her powerful, thrusting car	(21)
		Barber saloon for guys has beer, TV, DJs and vibrating massage lounges	(30)
		College presidents vow to boycott college rankings, will still be ranking their own students however	(68)
(The Moscow Times)		Children blamed for killing 200 butterflies within days of exhibition's opening	(41)
		When choosing a vehicle to carjack, the conspicious lime-green Charger may be tempting, but is probably not a wise choice	(31)
		Possibly the worst way to die: Deputies there found a man stuck in the propeller of a MasterCraft ski boat	(87)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this professor	(76)
		"Spider-Man 3" has biggest opening day and opening weekend of all time, pulling in almost $150 million in three days. Too bad it has to pull in at least $700 million to make any profit	(303)
		Did you ever hear the one about counterfeiters who broke into Abraham Lincoln's tomb to steal his body for a ransom of $5 bills?	(55)
		Devout Mormon and evangelical Christian have been married for 26 years, despite husband running anti-Mormon ministry on the side	(65)
		Woman gives birth to her own grandsons	(116)