Sun May 13, 2007
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Oldest motorist in UK has never sat a driver's test, because they weren't invented when she started driving in the early 1930s | (5) |
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Worried about her upcoming prison term starting June 5, Paris Hilton is going to learn Karate and seven other Japanese words | (66) |
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Moosehead president says Canadian beer industry disappearing | (38) |
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Three youths rescued from cave. No word yet on whether the kids found a cursed tiki | (25) |
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Joey & Amy: These two crazy kids might just make it after all | (63) |
| (Daily Southtown) |  |
10 month old child receives his Firearm Owner's Identification Card. Hopefully a better shot than Dick Cheney | (45) |
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When breaking into a police station try to avoid getting stuck in one of the prison cells | (13) |
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Nudists try to attract younger people by telling them how much fun they can have naked | (66) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Mexican doctor busted for replacing drug dealers' fingerprints with foot skin | (20) |
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Grandparents of 12-year-old girl sue after female substitute teacher shows "Brokeback Mountain" in class. Apparently class voted for "Sordid Sorority Sisters 3" but was overruled | (126) |
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Man attacks roommate with machete. There can only be one | (28) |
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Disabled Army vet offers to mow lawns to pay for his dog's operation. Your dog wants-never mind what your dog wants, this is the dog of a man who's served his country admirably | (83) |
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The RIAA is making students an offer they can't refuse: Pay us $3,000 or we'll sue you. "Legally, it probably makes sense, because we don't have the money to fight.", says one shaken down college student | (265) |
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California sea lion joins childrens' walk-a-thon; seeks bukket | (39) |
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A German sex toy company has been ordered to pay 50,000 euros in damages to two German football stars after selling vibrators named for them during last year's World Cup | (29) |
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Hair thieves in Myanmar are stealing ponytails. Patchouli-scented hackey sackers flee in tears | (46) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Darwin and mothers agree, don't play with scissors | (52) |
| (madison.com) | |
Man's head run over by truck. Head stays intact, bicycle helmet crushed (with pic) | (81) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Caption this guy and his gun | (97) |
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Mail falls on mail scanning device, which then beeps. Obviously, this led to evacuations and mayhem | (26) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Ugly-ass wood bison born at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center (w/video) | (14) |
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441-year-old St. Augustine miffed over Jamestown's 400-year birthday walking across its lawn | (96) |
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Theme: If product placement deals had existed all throughout history... | (127) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Man runs gambling room in a secret part of his house, while his children and wife live in another secret part of the house that was infested with rats and maggots | (35) |
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Scientist "who has studied marijuana for 30 years" finds no link between pot and cancer, craves Taco Bell | (154) |
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MC Hammer declared web 2.0 expert by eminent consortium of computer experts | (57) |
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Triumph of the Underpants: Bryan Ferry dropped as menswear spokesman by Marks & Spencers after expressing admiration for films of Leni Riefenstahl | (48) |
| (Khaleej Times) |  |
Today's $6.8m number plate brought to you by Abu Dhabi and Currency Converters | (40) |
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Mullah Dadudallah killed after endless taunts | (138) |
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Pizza delivery driver shoots and kills would-be robber. What do you want on your Tombstone? | (243) |
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Will you marry me? This proposal will self destruct in 30 seconds | (58) |
| (WMTW.com) | |
When spending your $200,000 inheritance, it's best that the benefactor is dead first | (30) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Going out of business sales are going out of business. Hurry before the sale ends | (91) |
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Tiananmen Square portrait of Chairman Mao damaged by flaming projectile hurled by local crazy man. LMAO | (69) |
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Man finds 40mm sewing needle in his chicken the hard way | (34) |
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Don't just stand there... bust a move | (122) |
| (KATU.com) | |
You know all those teachers having sex with students? Oregon wants to help the problem become an epidemic. GO OREGON | (104) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this massive Moroccan mural | (86) |
| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) | |
WV mom is badly burned saving son from house fire, gives birth to second child while still in burn unit | (78) |
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Ho killed by hoe | (88) |
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5,500 play in record coconut orchestra. European Swallow Union complaining they weren't called in for transport | (33) |
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Turtle tries several times to lay eggs on Central Park ice skating rink. Due to its odd behavior, biologists have fitted the reptile with a Philadelphia Flyers jersey | (24) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Stop... Hammertime | (70) |
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South Korea's richest businessman kidnaps karaoke bar waiters, and takes them to a remote mountain area. Then, the beatings begin | (39) |
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King of Samoa dies, Girl Scouts to fight heirs for rights to his delicious cookie recipe | (37) |
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Happy Mother's Day to all Farkmothers and mothers of Farkers - share mom stories and love | (159) |
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World's largest floating bookstore opens in port of Fukuoka, Japan | (29) |
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Ballistics expert who was the first non-governmental specialist allowed to examine the evidence in President Kennedy's assassination dies of natural causes. Or at least, that's what they would have you believe | (48) |
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Murfreesboro principal may soon have Murfreestime after telling all her elementary school kids that a gunman was loose in the school | (51) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The naked truth on recruiting challenges for nudist colonies | (55) |
| (Patna Daily) | |
Potatowned | (29) |
| (northjersey.com) | |
Get well card urges inmate to get back on his horse | (10) |
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If you own a broadband intertubes service provider, please make sure to have the FBI's key copy to the front door ready by Monday, or else... Exactly | (131) |
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German-speaking Texans create their own local dialect in which skunks are referred to as "die Stinkkatze" and George W. Bush is referred to as "das Boob" | (64) |
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Granny jailed for caging grandson. Now who will protect the lawn? | (24) |
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83-year old Holocaust survivor refuses to meet her son after he searched for her for 17 years | (81) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Woman dies after being ejected from motorcycle and then struck by ambulance | (51) |
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"British Asians see a society that hardly inspires them to integrate. They see aspects of Britain which are a threat to the values they hold dear. Britain needs to integrate more with the Asian way of life, not the other way around" | (283) |
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Man who won Supreme Court decision saying mentally ill patients cannot be forced to take their medication goes crazy and stabs his roommate | (110) |
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Unidentified explosion in Russian junkyard kills Sanfordsky & Son | (22) |
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being the farking guy who's going to be competing in the PMITA Olympics | (24) |
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Sake may power cars, karaoke singers in the future | (24) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this land yacht driver | (46) |
| (KPHO-TV) | |
Dentist tackles blowfish fangs. Fish's annual office visit a teeth-grinding experience | (17) |
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John Dillinger's relative tries to stick up 'Dillinger Days' festival | (39) |
| (Hagerstown Herald-Mail) | |
"Frankenberry appointed to county board." Count Chocula said to be considering run for state legislature | (41) |
Sat May 12, 2007
| (Some Dutch Paper) | |
Bob Geldof claims Al Gore stole the idea for "Live Earth" from "Live Aid." Wants credit for inventing the Internet, too | (46) |
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DaimlerChrysler group in talks to sell Chrysler division to a three-headed dog that guards the entrance to hell | (62) |
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Emily and Emma were the most popular names given to baby girls born in the United States last year, while the boys were dominated by Jacobs and Michaels | (173) |
| (Some Old Geezer) | |
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." Happy Birthday George Carlin-- Here's a list of 100 of his greatest lines | (192) |
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Plane Crash in Montana kills 5 skydivers. If only they had some way of slowing their descent as they fell | (61) |
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Criminal charges dropped against Boston's Light-Brite Terrorists | (77) |
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Hollywood braces for writer's strike. OH NOEZ11 Who will dredge up shows from the 70s? Who will mail in sequel after sequel? | (85) |
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How strip clubs plan to dance around the law | (61) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Pizzeria implicated in Fort Dix plot "under new management" | (64) |
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Remember that guy last year who died having sex with a horse? Yeah there is a movie about him now | (130) |
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Predictably, VT graduation marked by sorrow, sadness, and CNN putting cameras in people's faces, inviting you to "Watch students struggle with mixed emotions" | (78) |
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Plant responsible for pet food contamination torn down. By owner. Just days before US FDA inspectors were scheduled to arrive. Yeah | (142) |
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German court denies bald men state-funded wigs | (39) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this red pumpkin | (87) |
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Man finds cat in container of Chinese take-out | (122) |
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Russian cargo ship hauls snails to International Space Station. So really it's more of an escargot ship | (172) |
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From the unfortunate headline department: "NASA's shuttle to hit launchpad next week" | (41) |
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Hey, eBay: You call that mail order? THIS is mail order | (49) |
| (Some Guy) | |
State proposes new policy for homeowners who discover alligators wandering on their surburban lawns: Don't call us; deal with it yourself | (65) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Yeah, the clown was pretty funny... up until he pulled his peener out | (84) |
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Shakespeare to be adapted for manga. Kenneth Branagh last seen hacking into a cyberbrain | (68) |
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Have you ever benefited from the kindness of strangers? Tell us about it | (391) |
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Woman castrates young son then blames the dog | (128) |
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First Lady Laura Bush says she skipped her college graduation in 1973. The commencement speaker? "Some guy named George Bush" | (61) |
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From the "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" Files: Helmets attract cars to cyclist | (94) |
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Man picking up litter in river becomes part of the problem when he falls in and drowns | (14) |
| (Some Ugly Guy) | |
Photoshop this creature | (94) |
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Woman survives rare form of decapitation | (177) |
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Prison inmates gets £100,000 driving simulator. Because it's so important that inmates be safe drivers | (25) |
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Star Trek nerd who spent £30,000 turning his flat into the Voyagers flight deck has sold it for five times its market value. Still can't get laid | (68) |
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Did you know Mount Rushmore is actually located in Australia? | (71) |
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Parents could need permits to drive their children to school under a proposal to curb obesity | (56) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Today's "handcuffed suspect wriggles through plexiglas barrier and steals cop car" brought to you by Georgia | (6) |
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Before ordering 6000 T-shirts for your stores, first make sure the cool Cyrillic script isn't a Neo-nazi slogan | (75) |
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Old and busted: paying for braces for your kids. New hotness: paying for braces for your cat | (34) |
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For the second time, family chases half naked man out of their 4-year-old daughter's bed | (75) |
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The Leaning Tower of Surat leans no more | (15) |
| (Some Guy) | |
That guy who slept in a dumpster and was shocked, SHOCKED to end up in a garbage truck now has a lawyer. Cuz, you know, dumpsters should be a safe place for people to sleep | (49) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Since taking care of all the important issues, Wisconsin is working on making themselves the official birthplace of the burger | (31) |
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Australian police claim Mythbusters "could be" inspiring students to make bombs | (65) |
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Girl fighting rare, life-threatening disease gets kidney transplant. Now she has three of them | (40) |
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Guy leads police on high-speed chase, ends up with his SUV trapped vertically between two overpasses (w/pic and video goodness) | (32) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Rutgers class president can't graduate with the rest of her year after being charged with burglary in student residence where she was an advisor. Would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids | (34) |
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$35 adult slot machine diapers might be a sign that Canadians are either incredibly incontinent or enjoy gambling to an unhealthy degree | (38) |
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The greatest metaphor for a woman's pubic hair ever: "[T]he map of Tasmania." (article covers sorta Not safe for work topics) | (78) |
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Detroit mayor spends 8K from community fund toward family spa vacation. Motor City population decreased by 50,000 over the last 5 years. No connection though | (45) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop those tourists staring into a hole | (131) |
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China shoots down one of its own satellites for "scientific purposes." Riiiiight | (43) |
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Lego - the company so non-violent that for years it refused to produce green bricks in case boys used them to build tanks – begins supplying its action figures with guns for first time | (141) |
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Soccer fans in England outraged at having to pay £8 or a hamburger at stadiums. NFL fans take a swig of $10 watered-down beer and sneer | (58) |
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Matthew and Tracy Pepper, married, graduate from Vanderbilt University with both earning the title of Doctor. Dr. Peppers. Get it? If not, this article will ram it down your throat with a potato masher | (62) |
| (WRAL) | |
Baptist church's sign criticizing Islam, offense ensues | (178) |
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Inventor of lethal injection method of execution has suggestion for those who think it is too cruel: "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the guillotine. It can be operated by an idiot and it is a very effective instrument" | (149) |
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Mrs. USA, I laugh at your public drunkenness and raise you a strangling | (23) |
| (CapitalNews9) | |
25-year-old, wounded Iraq vet doesn't understand why he can't go to his girlfriend's senior prom | (196) |
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I-Mockery unearths the pilot episode of "Tag Team" - a TV show that was never greenlighted, starring Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura as two ex-wrestlers who decide to become crime fighting cops | (42) |
Fri May 11, 2007
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Fish farm workers pulled from giant vat of fish sludge | (35) |
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Court rules woman who had willingly had sex with man she thought was her boyfriend in a dark room can't later claim she was raped when she discovered he wasn't | (264) |
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PC gone wild: Disney worried movie not due for at least two years will be "racially offensive" | (193) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this tube head | (85) |
| (Some Beer Lover) | |
Congress is considering a bill that would cut the tax on beer by half, presumably making beer cheaper. This group is against cheap beer, but helpfully provides a list of Congressmen you can thank | (103) |
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Surveillance video released of everyone's favorite crazy astronaut as she stalked her target at Orlando International Airport (with video, photos) | (38) |
| (WAOW) | |
This cow has two noses. How does it smell? Terrible. Terrible | (43) |
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Rolling Stone's top five bad albums by good artists | (300) |
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Bottles of bleach found in an empty field. OMG TERRISTS | (98) |
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You knew it was coming: the "Celebrity Media Apology" already reduced to a pathetic marketing gimmick | (78) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Bad: Teens caught after stealing school bus. Worse: They crashed the bus into a deputy State Attorney General's car. Fark: They kidnapped the deputy State Attorney General | (72) |
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Apparently it’s still OK to have sex with your dog in Washington | (123) |
| (Enquirer) | |
Future Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader arrested with 2 bottles of "pure grain alchohol". Complete with kissing of strangers and running around half naked goodness | (135) |
| (Eagle Tribune) | |
Andover Massachusetts police would like to sell you several bags of panties they don't need any more | (77) |
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Public urination is a big problem in Western Canada. In related news, there's something called the World Toilet Organization | (118) |
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FARKtv - Give your mom the shaft | (93) |
| (Some Crazy Alaskan) | |
Man flings urine-soaked socks at police after 100mpg high speed chase | (71) |
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New census data finds 'Katrina' is a surprisingly unpopular name for babies in the United States for some reason | (89) |
| (The Warden) | |
Photoshop these prison signs (and don't drop the soap) | (90) |
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Barack Obama also doesn't want to see a pantyless Britney Spears. The Smoking Gun is there | (191) |
| (The Local) | |
If you're scamming the welfare system by pretending to be blind, don't let the cops catch you driving a car. Three times | (44) |
| (940 Montreal) | |
Montreal city worker ruins bar mitzvah by making rude comments, stealing and trying to sell stuff. Then things get weird | (57) |
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YouTube to remove videos making fun of Thailand's idiot douchebag King Bhumibol Adulyadej | (132) |
| (Peterborough Examiner) | |
Actual Headline: "Passerby punched for no reason". Bonus: If you said 'drug deal gone bad' give yourself one gold star | (44) |
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Abilene residents rally to keep Bob Barker sculpture | (46) |
| (The Register-Herald) | |
It's usually OK to get in the right lane to let faster traffic pass. Unless, of course, the right lane is wet concrete and blocked by traffic cones | (93) |
| (Record Online) | |
Man accidentally shoots himself in leg, decides to tell cops that he was the victim of a carjacking to cover it up. Cops charge him with criminal dumbassery, possession of marijuana | (27) |
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Midwife disciplined for pulling a pregnant woman's umbilical cord so hard she dragged the woman halfway down the bed. The Aristocrats! | (129) |
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Obama: "We should force our auto makers to make cars that average 45mpg like Japanese cars do" Toyota: "What the hell are you talking about, rookie?" | (632) |
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Newspaper questions how far vice officers should be allowed to go to determine if a stripper is breaking the law. With examples that make you really wish you were a vice officer | (114) |
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Jealous of all the press the Department of the Blindingly Obvious has been getting, the Department of Wishful Thinking releases a study claiming 1 in 4 women want to star in porn and 1 in 3 want to be spanked | (188) |
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Please note that your Satellite Navigation system may not warn you of oncoming trains | (78) |
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Mooninite duo apologizes for Boston being run by dumbass spazoid politicians | (111) |
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Today's Democratic politician too important to obey speed limits comes to you from Governor Bill Richardson | (160) |
| (Some Guy) | |
A look at the weird contents of Carl Sagan's 1970s message to intelligent extraterrestrials | (149) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Former president of ACLU arrested for kiddie porn, proving once and for all that the ACLU is a front for Godless communism | (195) |
| (The Local) | |
Vegas run by gays and Jews, says Viking magician before vanishing from USA forever | (55) |
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Sex tapes can get you into trouble, especially when you're married, having an affair, doing drugs and the man you're having sex with dies of a heart attack and it's all caught on tape. (Video) | (68) |
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Whoa, Evenflo...Car seat breaks and baby fliiieees...Oh, you don't know...so we're taking them awaaaay, yeah (them away, them away) | (125) |
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This film has been rated R by the MPAA for strong language, sexual content and...smoking? | (120) |
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David Bowie is taking over Manhattan. Take heed, all you babies named Toby | (80) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Denver residents advised to stay the hell away from the city's squirrels, unless they really want the words 'bubonic plague' to appear in their obituaries | (69) |
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Chicago Fark Party. June 8th BlackRock on Damen. Drew will be there. Will you? | (57) |
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Allstate may have to change their name to Moststate after deciding that California homeowners are pretty much on their own these days | (118) |
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L.A. Housing Department pays Zen monk $20,000 to teach its executives sphincter control, swordfighting | (50) |
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CBS concludes that people who don't enjoy the news with Katie Couric should take a good hard look at themselves to find out why they hate women so much | (171) |
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Gnats are actually attacking people. EVERYBODY PANI- oh wait, it's just gnats | (59) |