Sun April 29, 2007
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Houston law firms volunteer new employees to prosecute speeding tickets. Some confidently demand the maximum penalty for 65 in a 60 zone. Some burst into tears when they lose | (5) |
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What in a name? Maybe $10,000 | (41) |
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Turkey serves as a model for the world in secularism | (69) |
| (Casper Star Tribune) |  |
Jeff Gordon passes Dale Earnhardt's career NASCAR victory total with win at Talladega. Delighted fans shower their new hero with hundreds of beer cans in celebration | (96) |
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Japanese patch measures pet stress. Your dog wants Zoloft | (16) |
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Two women arrested in Rome public transit umbrella stabbing death | (48) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Man flies across the country to have sex with a girl who turned out to be an undercover officer | (114) |
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Sometimes you eat the bear | (105) |
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Bangles becoming popular again. "There's something sexy about the jingle. It's like the bell of a woman calling your attention" | (113) |
| (RGJ) |  |
Man caught fapping behind a curtain at a teen volleyball tournament. No happy ending here | (150) |
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Former "American Idol" finalist arrested for aggravated battery with beer mug, cocaine possession. (with mugshot goodness) | (84) |
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For-profit vigilantes rid Rio slums of crime | (72) |
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Is there *anything* you can't do with a butter knife? | (56) |
| (MyFoxKC) |  |
Shooting at Ward Parkway Center in Kansas City, MO | (311) |
| (Record-Courier) | |
Underage man tries using a prison id for a alcohol purchase, flees police, receives a "forward spinning strike" for his asshattery | (32) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Photoshop these brazin' hussies | (63) |
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For $82 a night you can learn your lesson the Pablo Escobar way | (52) |
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Woman has to pay $2000 to clean up one of those "green" lightbulbs | (283) |
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Wounded from VT are coming out of the hospital, getting CNN another front page story out of them. Subby predicts Breaking News of VT Graduation, with live video | (40) |
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Family has been threatened with eviction after they put up razor wire to stop vandals breaking into their property | (88) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Woman gets locked in a room for 15 years by her husband because she didn't have a big enough dowry | (83) |
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Two men admit to trafficking whale teeth, plead for baleiniency | (64) |
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PR campaign revamping Israel's image from Holy Land to Babes & Beaches Land. Where is your Yahweh now? | (109) |
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Spring: when the flowers bloom, the birds sing, and Darwin gets on his lawnmower and weeds out the stupid kids | (67) |
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Woman tries to shake down the local CW news crew for $10,000 or she'll kill her children. Children seen nervously wishing Mom would have picked the Fox affiliate | (40) |
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Four out of five eyewitnesses are about as reliable as a Ford Edsel, but the jury loves them, and that's what matters | (87) |
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Man arrested for allegedly stealing 26 cars to see girlfriend | (38) |
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The world's first matchmaking website for pets, by 17-year old New Zealand student | (29) |
| (mlb.com) | |
St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock killed in auto accident | (180) |
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Northern Californian Farkers: Section Of Macarthur Maze collapses. Use alternative routes | (165) |
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On Halloween 2005, prosecutors say, Peter Braunstein dressed in full firefighting regalia — but his outfit had nothing to do with the holiday, although he did pull out his firehose | (19) |
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Florida A&M University is looking for about $2.7 million worth of missing stuff, including a golf cart, ice machine, five lawnmowers, and two large popcorn poppers | (38) |
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Deadbeat $350/haircut hairdresser in dire financial straits. Where is John Edwards when you need him? | (48) |
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82 prisoners remain locked up in Guantanamo Bay despite having been cleared of all charges against them, because the US doesn't want to deport them to places where they might face torture or other human rights abuses | (483) |
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Cavemen just *loved* doin' the nasty. Which is why we're all here | (101) |
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Caption this picture of Barack Obama making some kind of point | (137) |
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Bush predicts the end of a "cruel dictatorship" in the western hemisphere. No, silly, he was talking about Cuba | (84) |
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"I sleep at McDonald's three or four nights a week" | (33) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this creampuff | (64) |
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Schools banning media players because kids are using them to cheat. Even Ric Romero is laughing at our educators | (56) |
| (MaineToday.com) | |
Goats can give so much more than just milk and sex | (25) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Truck carrying booze flips on I-5. Relax, it was wine coolers | (37) |
| (WLBZ2.com) | |
Woman buys shoes and returns them without a receipt. Management decides she's a stupid poopyhead | (59) |
| (Dorset Echo) | |
Donut-chomping officials stop baker selling novelty pig cakes as they don't contain pork. Spotted Dick still on sale | (55) |
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Not news: Global warming is melting the icecaps. News: On Mars | (274) |
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Joey Buttafuoco emerges from prison with a new appreciation of what his last name really meant in the old country, and a slightly different walk | (31) |
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Crackhead with low self-esteem fakes kidnapping. The lofty ransom? $350. Bail has been set at $2500 | (14) |
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Foiled Saudi attack looked a lot like 9/11 | (72) |
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Pothead describes watching motorcyclist practice flying skills | (41) |
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"Dick will make you slap somebody." Not safe for work Language | (56) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Coolest book art you'll see today | (39) |
| (Stars and Stripes) | |
Air Force set to implement widespread ban of tobacco products on all bases. This should end well | (107) |
| (WHAM Rochester) | |
In a move sure to encourage visitors, city feels it would be best if its "downtown guides" were skilled in hand-to-and combat | (21) |
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If you left 700 pounds of cocaine at O'Hare airport on an Aeromex flight from Guadalajara, the Chicago Police Department would like to have a word with you | (37) |
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You wish to promote God of War 2. Do you A) Show off gameplay, B) set up a booth at conventions, or C) decapitate a goat and invite people to eat the entrails? (Not safe for work) | (253) |
| (WRAL) | |
Duke cheats | (54) |
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Expert says it's OK to cry at work. Which is good, since this is what submitter does when he sees his paycheck | (38) |
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There's cool- and then there's this guy. Rock on, King of the Mullets™ | (71) |
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Next time you lose your cell phone, you might have to file for bankruptcy | (86) |
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High school students dress as samurai for life-size game of Japanese chess. Mongo only pawn in game of life | (51) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop these Atlases | (46) |
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Old and Busted: Noah's Ark - New hotness: Johan's Ark, complete with 50-seat film theater and one camel | (28) |
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Judges will reschedule cases for attorneys with a legitimate excuse. This attorney found out that a shopping trip is not one of them | (9) |
| (New York Magazine) | |
Study shows that overpraising children has negative effects. Obvious tag suddenly feels unloved | (55) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The most amazing collection of historical photos you'll ever see | (109) |
Sat April 28, 2007
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Try explaining this to your underage friends…. "Uh, couldn't steal any booze. A geriatric store clerk chased me down, tackled me and turned me over to police" | (27) |
| (mofunzone) | |
Kill yourself some damn dirty zombies in this 20 level flash game | (128) |
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Vikings may have used polarized crystals to navigate, find Sarah Connor | (85) |
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Ancient manuscript suggests Jesus asked Judas to betray him; planned for Ashton to show up midway to tell the apostles they all got punk'd | (295) |
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Ambulance driver dies of heart attack. If only...oh, never mind | (64) |
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Rules for working at an auto wrecking yard -- be on time, wear the proper uniform, and don't crush a car with a full gas tank | (39) |
| (KPHO-5) | |
Feds bust "Greenhound"; fake tourbuses smuggled pot and money between Detroit and Tucson | (71) |
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Canada moves to protect 107-year-old shipwreck with beer shipment still intact. Those who have tried already advise divers from doing what comes naturally: "It was pretty skunky" | (40) |
| (SomeBeltSander) | |
Photosop these industrious gentlemen | (70) |
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That's not a tinfoil hat, THIS is a tinfoil hat | (182) |
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New project available to the public provides recipes for robot kits made with off the shelf parts and the ability to control bots via Internet. What could possibly go wrong? | (44) |
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Officials concerned about transgender gators, advocate tolerance, mutual respect | (23) |
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Christian tattoo shop will not tattoo anything that glorifies sin, such as marijuania leaves, nekid ladies or the worst of them all, peace symbols | (269) |
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Most of the time, life as a council member is fairly uneventful. But then there are those times when you have to evict a harp-playing transvestite with only one leg | (29) |
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The ashes of James "Scotty" Doohan to be launched into space today | (103) |
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Hershey sees no reason to continue using chocolate to make chocolate bars, especially when plenty of Americans will scarf down anything that's make from fat and sugar | (173) |
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Islamic punk rock is on the rise. Presumably without the sex and drugs. So no fun at all, really | (83) |
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Mom blames library for teaching her kid how to sniff nail polish remover. We wait for the day mom finds there are Internets | (47) |
| (Dilbert) | |
Scott Adams discusses how United Media rejected a recent Dilbert comic strip because it was "too provocative" (with pic of original) | (182) |
| (Doc Brown) | |
Postcards from 1900 speculating what life would be like in the year 2000. While they nailed the escalator and did pretty well on the TV, I'm still waiting for my Weather Dominator | (91) |
| (Some Hockey Guy) | |
Photoshop this goalie and levitating linesman | (86) |
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Unisex lavatories - with blurred glass walls - could help in the battle against school bullies, increase peeping | (123) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Squirrels are dying off from the plague in Denver; on the brighter side they all had enormous testicles | (45) |
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Ever thought to yourself that you could live in just your bathroom, if you had to? This guy took the concept to its logical conclusion | (108) |
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Parents in south Florida warned to keep small children away from lakes and canals, as severe drought sends hordes of Everglades alligators on the march | (37) |
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European Union politicians want to help fight global warming by helping cows and sheep to stop farting | (57) |
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Teens avoid a DMV law with the new trend of 'Trunking' (with video) | (107) |
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We're gonna need a bigger couch | (54) |
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Sesame Street to be adapted for Northern Ireland. Bert calls the Pope the Anti-Christ whilst Ernie gives support to the IRA | (40) |
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Life jacket for sale. Marked 'RMS Titanic'. Used once | (35) |
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Bush warns Congress over Iraq timetables, saying he never got past 8x8 himself | (204) |
| (Some Guy) | |
The best analysis of cat image macros you'll read all day. I can has greenlight? | (165) |
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Not News: Man walks down the street. Still Not News: He has an 18-year-old female college student on his mind. Fark: Literally | (47) |
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5.0 earthquake hits southern England. San Francisco Farkers wonder what all the fuss is about | (133) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop the submitter's co-worker into some more exciting situations. Difficulty: SFW | (105) |
| (Vernon Broadcaster) | |
Amish fear government-mandated cattle ID numbers amount to branding 'the mark of the beast' on their livestock. Go ahead and discuss - it's not like the Amish will be flaming the thread or anything | (76) |
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Neighborhood is evacuated after cops find rental truck filled with "rotting fish, cow parts, and pig organs" | (24) |
| (Newburgh Register) | |
Small town in Indiana works hard to keep it's oldest Boner erect | (30) |
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29 ugly-ass ducklings are stopping traffic on one of the UK's busiest roads (with pics) | (35) |
| (Orlando Sentinel) | |
News: Man turns himself in on DUI manslaughter charge. Fark: he allegedly dragged a motorcyclist to his death after hitting him head on. Florida: while high on aerosol dust remover | (34) |
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Court spends £8,000 to prosecute teenager for barking at a dog | (38) |
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Here's what your favorite female celebrities would look like bald | (134) |
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A young lady of Seville would not think of attending the bullfights at the Maestranza ring without.. OMG WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? | (278) |
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Man arrested for distributing fliers with pictures of his naked ex-wives | (39) |
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That's "Mr" fluffy von snuggles to you | (76) |
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Today's "Student posts hit list on MySpace then comes to school with a knife" brought to you by Anne Arundel, Maryland. Bonus: She was a cheerleader | (86) |
| (Fitchburg Sentinel) |  |
State: Your pond isn't up to code. Owner: *pulls drain plug* Do you have a code for mudholes? | (59) |
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Fans are heckling your baseball team. Do you A: Ignore them, B: Have them ejected from the stands, or C: Have the team beat them down with baseball bats | (33) |
Fri April 27, 2007
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Neighbors of a church have petitioned a Ohio city, saying screams and sounds of glory and praise coming from the building are a nuisance | (104) |
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Charter Communications gives AOL's customer service a run for its money for 'Worst. Customer. Service. Ever.' | (108) |
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Two prison escapees' freedom short-lived after they celebrate by lounging around backyard in their jail uniforms, drinking beers and chatting up neighbors | (23) |
| (Knuttz) | |
Caption this animal standoff | (70) |
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Problem: Those pesky Europeasants objected to having the new EU constitution shoved down their throats. Solution: "use different terminology without changing the legal substance" | (88) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Photoshop this metallurgist | (63) |
| (Some Gunslinger) | |
Would you rather see car drivers carrying guns or talking on cell phones? In Arizona, the survey says: guns | (134) |
| (Daily Herald (IL)) |  |
Boy arrested for writing 'disturbing' story explains the story (with full text of story) | (263) |
| (Some Valet) | |
Drunk parks his truck on the deck on the back of the house. Refused to take the time to pull around back, goes through kitchen instead (w/ pic and mugshot goodness). Vehicle-in-house trifecta now in play | (34) |
| (Some lard-cheeks) | |
"Ass-face" is now a compliment | (60) |
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Pope Benedict XVI to visit NYC. Terror level raised to white | (47) |
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Today's "dynamite-stealing thieves leave pay stub behind" story brought to you by Missoula, MT | (22) |
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Cheerleaders who became famous (pics) | (118) |
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Woman's car messes with bull, gets horns | (18) |
| (Daily Herald (IL)) | |
14-year-old boy gets perfect ACT score. "Ahrggh hftty sfdfd aiini," he says, from inside a locker | (89) |
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Saudi tribe holds camel beauty pageant. Those humps, those humps, those dromedary lumps | (46) |
| (NBC10) | |
♪♫ He’s a stabby guy from Cambodia ♪♫ He’ll stab you in the back ♪♫ He’s a stabby guy from Cambodia ♪♫ He’ll shank yo ass for craaaaaaack ♪♫ | (66) |
| (Greenville Online) | |
Playboy playmate and her "trainer" busted after leaving kilo of cocaine in hotel room for maids to find | (80) |
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"Online dating is about game theory, not looks" | (127) |
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Junior high students collect 12,000 batteries for recycling. City of Toronto says "No thanks, you keep them." | (71) |
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Earthquake brings sunken ship, Cthulhu to surface in Pacific | (70) |
| (NBC11) | |
Detroit cop faces charges after forcing couples to have sex | (79) |
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Pittsburgh trying to redefine itself as an art mecca instead of the alcoholic, laid off half-brother of Philly | (81) |
| (KSAT) | |
When in a Cessna, it's best not to taxi too close to 737's | (51) |
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Police officer lifted off the ground by tornado, did not catch the bicycle-riding witch she was chasing | (10) |
| (Run groom, run!!!) | |
Usually, when a bride ends up in handcuffs on her wedding night, it's for kink rather than marital battery | (55) |
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Canadian university developing a Shakespeare-themed video game. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and all your base are belong to us" | (89) |
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It's a sad day in the War on the Drugs when the two-year olds are practically giving the coke away for free | (41) |
| (Some Guy) |  |
Like a lump of lard in a deep-fat fryer, Rosie O'Donnell is rising to the top of the celebrity blog poll. Lets help Wil out | (108) |
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Styrofoam-gobbling llama delays Cadillac Ranch photo shoot | (29) |
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Bush Administration declares war on Chocolate | (173) |
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English pub wants to beat smoking ban by asking Peru for consulate status. Peru agrees as long as it can extradite the traitor Paddington Bear back to Lima | (146) |
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God is green | (178) |
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Saudi officials round-up 172 Al-Qaeda No. 2s in lightning raids all over the country | (119) |
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U.S. captures another high-ranking al-Qaeda operative whom you've never heard of and will likely never hear about ever again | (77) |
| (WRAL) | |
Woman killed at funeral home. Talk about convenient | (44) |
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Any high school graduate looking for a job? Good news. It looks like you're qualified to be the dean of MIT | (80) |
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Cleveland Fark party at Notacon 4 this Saturday, 9:00 p.m. at the hotel bar. Drew will be there | (30) |
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Hot Venezuelan Milka Duno passes her IRL rookie test (with pic) | (197) |
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Skeletor, Bush's economic advisor, states that economic growth slowed to a near crawl of 1.3 percent (with scary pic) | (124) |
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Croatian footballer given 16 sheep for the 16 goals he has scored this season. No word on whether he's going to open a brothel | (26) |
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"My credit card company called me and said, 'Are you in Japan right now buying shoes?' And I said, 'No, I'm in Chicago'" | (110) |
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Remember the story about the Japanese women buying sheep that they thought were dogs? Ewe were conned | (42) |
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Cat in China gives birth to four kittens and one puppy | (151) |
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New York's governor proposes legalizing gay marriage in state; Yankees clubhouse ecstatic | (183) |
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Much like most of the girls submitter knew in college, FDA rejects Arcoxia | (57) |
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Boy breaks leg trying to fly out window, rejected from International League of Little Vampires | (48) |
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Female deputy under investigation for sexing up a female inmate. Investigators continue research into the case, including extra copies of "Chained Heat 3" and "Prison Biatches" | (34) |
| (Some Guy) | |
Here's your chance to buy "The General Lee" directly from Bo Duke. Yeeeee-haw | (219) |
| (Some Tfette) | |
Photoshop this sassy couple | (82) |
| (PRB) | |
Not news: Person sets up a website begging for money. News: It's for a boob job. Fark: As it turns out, it's for a guy | (59) |
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Canadian politicians concerned about upcoming "FLICK OFF" campaign: "Clearly it's an ad agency that has a bunch of flickin' amateurs as employees" | (59) |
| (Townhall) | |
Addiction to online pornography on the rise. Submitter thought that was the point | (207) |
| (Gazettelive.co.uk) | |
News: Church organist found dead at his Teesside home Fark: Naked and inside a giant plastic bag | (97) |
| (CBS46) | |
Tennessee Senate passes bill allowing zoos to sell booze | (73) |
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Five lesbians got married last weekend in Nigeria. Islamic police are looking for them -- but not in the same way you or I would be looking for them | (127) |
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Russia to Estonia: "Look, just because we repressed you for decades doesn't mean you can just tear down every Soviet war monument we built, you ungrateful bastards" | (172) |
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Naked, spread-eagle Paris Hilton autopsy sculpture with "removable innards" created to warn teens of the dangers of underage drinking, gang bangs | (123) |
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Woman teed off by drunken golfers relieving themselves on her property. Decides to videotape them, then gives tapes to TV stations. Hilarity ensues |