Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-03-18 23:59:59'

Texas veteran who urged his son to enlist rejoins the Army himself after his son is killed in Iraq because he wants to be a "positive influence on the 20-year-old troops there"

(174)

Not to be outdone by the Texans, a Connecticut legislator volunteers to be tasered in public hearing

(29)

"There's currently $370 TRILLION in derivatives,hedgefunds & over-leveraged investments.There's no relationship between this cyber-wealth & actual deposits/investments. It's a banking scam on steroids."

(178)

(Some Non-Waiter)

How much do you tip in U.S. restaurants? Is 20% the new 15%?

(678)

How to be a gentleman

(421)

French fries or onion rings?

(334)

Some amazing creature art

(40)

Tasers issued to police officers to reduce shootings. Being that this is Texas, police shootings have not decreased, and most of the people tasered were never charged or convicted of a crime

(120)

Japanese museum puts massive gold bar worth $2 million on open display, explaining 'they wanted visitors to be able to touch it.' Pretty much the worst that could possibly go wrong almost immediately did

(123)

Man takes rifle to airport, through security, boards plane, plane takes off, nobody notices. Security workers: " A gun? Really?"

(73)

Retards force news anchor to apologize for saying she sometimes "feels like a retard" on air

(162)

Marching bands, carnival rides, and John Travolta welcome Scientology to small religiously conservative town

(55)

NCAA second round day 2 discussion thread. Not that it matters, looking at your brackets

(1130)

'Hooking up' can mean anything from kissing to sex. Phrases like 'getting mangled' and 'blazing' are related to alcohol or substance abuse" says teen who just ruined it for everyone

(94)

Mom called to elementary school to pick up their "disruptive" child. Mom then throws tantrum in classroom, arrested for threatening principal. Apple didn't fall far from tree

(65)

Free land for anyone who doesn't mind their nipples falling to the ground and shattering like champagne flutes

(92)

Nest of bald eagles found in Philadelphia. Eagles fans boo and throw batteries at it

(75)

Photoshop this door. Watch that first step

(101)

After woman's ex-husband destroys her newly-renovated house, the renovators offer to fix the damage -- for free

(185)

More than 50 reptiles, including a crocodile, were stolen from Steve Irwin's wildlife center. Crikey

(31)

Your police officer girlfriend sends a saucy get well photo to your mobile. Do you a) delete it b) keep it to fap to c) share it with the rest of your police force colleagues via email?

(127)

(LSJ)

Vermont police stop man riding mower cross-country for charity. ''Vehicles that travel on our highways are required to be registered and to have a plate,''. That's some excellent police work there boys

(58)

Japanese Irish turn out in droves to celebrate St. Patrick-san's Day

(83)

(Annapolis Capital)

When providing a fake name to police, make sure that is doesn't already belong to a felon wanted on several warrants

(28)

Theft of M&M's and Twizzlers escalates into murder by salsa

(45)

New York artists who can paint the future sue NBC over "Heroes" ripoff. Their latest future-masterwork is them buying burritos at the local 7-11, so if you've recently bought a burrito at a 7-11, you might want to get a lawyer

(68)

Fashion designer charged with rape in LA. Police find the charges shocking, particularly the part about the fashion designer being straight

(The Kansas City Channel)

The coolest sand sculptures you will see today

(41)

(New York Times)

Photoshop Riccardo Chailly the Blasted Conductor

(92)

(Inside Bay Area)

How to take pictures of naked coeds for free: 1) buy camera, 2) find some trees that will be cut down, 3) tell coeds that you're doing an artistic piece on the the connection between people and trees to protest development

(89)

British Navy toilets declare war on British Navy seamen. So far the toilets are winning

(30)

Welsh restaurants pushed to focus on local ingredients. Thistle, leek and Kit-Kat pie expected to be a big hit

(21)

35 year old female teacher + 13 year old male student = 10 year sentence? You'll know why as soon as you see the teacher

(182)

Plastic surgeon faces charges of professional misconduct after he botched an operation so badly that the patient was left without a belly button or right nipple. Real smooth, Dr. Fumblefingers

(49)

High school makes former student pay 30-year-old algebra book fee

(59)

Man carjacks woman with the help of a screwdriver, though submitter has always thought that tequila was supposed to be the drink that got you in trouble with the law

(15)

Unions are beginning to turn labor disputes into art with a street exhibition of photos depicting the faces of the affected workers, then going on break

(49)

You know how cooks work with lots of knives? Yeah, that's why you don't argue with them at work

Southern men are not down with art exhibit featuring Confederate flag hanging from noose

(243)

Lawyers with stones battle police with tear gas, will face cheerleaders with nunchucks in the final round if they win

(23)

NY firefighters told to stop acting like drunken Irishmen during St. Patrick's Day Parade. "What I have a problem with is members of the uniformed services showing up on the parade route intoxicated by 12 noon"

(34)

Six hours on a plane can get you from LA to Dallas, but at NY airports it gets you about 50 feet farther on the tarmack

(Stars and Stripes)

First, troops ordered they can't have sex, followed by orders not to ever get drunk. Now, troops ordered not to smoke tobacco. Really want to make insane killers now, don't we?

(115)

“She was not wearing any clothes when she was taken into custody”

(29)

What was the first concert you ever went to. LGT mine and I was 15 at the time at the Channel, in Boston

(714)

Note to self: airport authorities will actually check out your story if you tell them you're authorized to carry a gun on the plane

(28)

Florida nudists will only pay with $2 bills. Even at Taco Bell

(75)

"Merlot can be a variety of grape or a type of red wine, but not an acceptable personalized license plate in the state of Utah." Yeah, that's important

(66)

(WMAR)

Maryland apologizes for slavery, offers rice krispie treats

(169)

The best way to loan a poor entrepreneur $20

(28)

Suicide chlorine bombers hit Iraq, expected to headline Lollapalooza this year

(70)

Photoshop this Polish satellite image

(80)

Sat March 17, 2007:

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# of Comments

Canadian judge says he's really f*ckin sorry for swearing in the courtroom, eh

(26)

British Airways passenger told to "get over it" after corpse is placed next to his first-class seat

(117)

Man says that it wasn't the alcohol that was making him swerve all over the road, it was the new sex toy that his wife was...fondling

(27)

(News9 Chattanooga)

Dumb: woman lugging a safe on a public highway. Dumber: telling the police she stole it from her boyfriend. Fark: Boyfriend gives police permission to open it, where they find crack, stolen guns and drug money

(49)

The mud flow has increased by 30%, the steaming mud is now full of rocks, but the scientist who thought of the crackpot plan thinks it's working. Why? Because the rotten egg smell is now worse

(68)

Emma "Hermione" Watson gets her first stalker. The Sun is there. Giggety

(245)

Thai air force, under orders from the military government, attacking cities with Dihydrogen Monoxide

(91)

Germans invade small city of Trondheim, Norway

(147)

All it takes is a female lawyer giving evidence topless to get a hung jury

(66)

"Except for leaving behind all his money, plus a few scrapes and bumps, throbbing testicles and no public hair, he was none the worse for wear"

(41)

(Short News)

There is a downside to drinking too much vodka. Specifically, the whole cutting-off-your-genitals part

(57)

NCAA Day 3 discussion thread

How Irish are you?

Earthquake alert for Southern California

(107)

Twenty-year study in Scotland finds changing weather is affecting the evolutionary pattern of sheep and making them sexier than they've ever been

Photoshop this crushed can

(78)

Al Gore's Inconvenient Toxic Zinc Mine nets him $500,000 in royalties

(438)

In Kenya’s isolated Northeastern Province, books are brought to the semi-nomadic indigenous people by the Camel Bookmobile (pic)

(17)

Parents in Scotland are getting in trouble for driving their kids to school instead of letting them walk

(37)

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, a guide to Irish Stick Fighting. Remember: "The only fear I have is the fear of killin' you" (pic)

(96)

Indian police will start to wear uniforms that'll make them sweet-smelling and sweat-free. Some of the cops in submitter's home town could learn something

(44)

Kim Jong Il will shut down nuclear power plant for.... *camera zooms in* 25 MILLION DOLLARS *pinky to mouth*

(118)

Chinese court has upheld a ban on a company from selling land on the moon, ruling that "celestial bodies" could not be anyone's property. Moon, not yours

(86)

The digital Bedouins: "Nobody knew I was sunburned, drinking from a coconut and listening to howler monkeys"

(84)

Man arrested for 28th DWI charge. Henry Earl rolls eyes, mutters "Amateur" before tossing head back and gulping down more sweet, sweet ripple

(51)

(Islington Gazette)

Cops angry that meter maids are ticketing their illegally parked, marked police cars

(82)

Superhero costumes could land your kids in the hospital. EVERYBODY PANIC

(60)

The time-honored tradition of hand-made lace finds new life with lace thongs and g-strings

(176)

Charity organizers shocked, SHOCKED to see 5% of expected turnout after booking Travis Tritt

(88)

(HPR)

Should the government be able to regulate our unhealthy lifestyle choices? Harvard University looks at the impact of smoking bans

(633)

Ever wonder what $206 million dollars stacked in a room looks like?

(110)

Police decline to arrest teens who got ratted out for having a blow up sex doll in their car. “It’s not indecent exposure because it’s not an actual person,” say cops, who think the incident was blown out of proportion

(33)

(The Charleston Gazette)

Reporter compares Farkers to "monkeys throwing feces." Ook ook.

(425)

Photoshop these art critics

(90)

7-year old boy doesn't take "your momma" jokes too well

(62)

"The Da Vinci Code" was a work of fiction, folks. Don't take it too seriously. In other news, the world lost a hottie today

(208)

Not news: FedEx makes delivery. News: Of a 3-year old child. Fark: Covered in ice cream & wearing a Spider-Man costume

(54)

Denied restroom access, airline passenger urinates into air sickness bag. Does the airline (a) apologize for the inconvenience, (b) send him free travel vouchers, or (c) have him arrested as a potential terrorist?

(96)

In case of rapture, grab my beer

(224)

Old and Busted: Pro wrestling is fake. New Hotness: Sumo wrestling is fake

What exactly do you do for a living and do you like it?

(773)

Pet food causing kidney failure and death in cats and dogs. Your dog wants steak

(96)

The last bottle of HP Sauce made in the UK has rolled off the production line in Birmingham. People looking to pollute their steak with something that tastes like industrial waste will now have to buy it from Holland

(90)

Judge blocks "D.C. Madame" from selling escort service records of over 15,000 clients, disappointing 1000s wondering what size corset Karl Rove wears

(59)

People with more money than brains are paying upwards of $45,000 for a handbag. Hedoismbot approves

(82)

Woman gets kicked out of IHOP for kissing her girlfriend. Plans in the works to rename signature dish to "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Absolutely Positively Straight"

(118)

Photoshop these three lightbulbs

(84)

(KVUE.com)

Breaking into someone's house to steal $5,000 in booze? Make sure you don't drop a digital camera with pictures of you committing the crime. Chances are they'll end up on Fark(pics)

(53)

The 20 most expensive alimony settlements ever. Your dog wants a divorce

(53)

Want a job in the restaurant/bar industry? There are currently 11,000 positions available in Alberta

(56)

Gonzales is packing his bags, reports CBS

(268)

(Mirror)

Police hunt elderly bank robbers who spray their victims with liquid poop before taking their cash. "The smell was instant and vile," says one victim

(38)

Turn water into ice that is hotter than the boiling point of water in nanoseconds. Wait, what?

(70)

More young women are looking for one-night stands. Giggity

(137)

The names of more than 200 dead U.S. soldiers will be removed from an Iraq War memorial because the families of the dead still support the quagmire...I mean, war

(276)

Answer: A three-way. Question: What is a first for Jeopardy?

(146)

Fri March 16, 2007:

SUBMIT A LINK

# of Comments

Vicious killing machines such as pit bulls, german shepherds, rottweilers, and dobermans to be banned in Tampa. Florida tag in a coma after Spiffy attack

(479)

Show us your plans for this evening. With MS Paint

(568)

Omgwtfbbq111. McCain uses the term "tar-baby", immediately apologizes

(354)

Stan Lee Media has sued Marvel Entertainment for $5 billion. Too bad Stan Lee himself is not in favor of the lawsuit

(75)

Drew will be on KMOX St. Louis later this evening

(31)

Bus driver announces over speaker that Muslims should be called "sheetheads" instead of "towelheads". Jihad firing ensues

(209)

(Some Soldier Guy)

Photoshop this lil' trooper

(101)

(CT Post)

If a girl shoots you down in the third grade, don't wait until you're 20 to send her a stick figure drawing of her holding her own bloody head in her hands

(129)

Floods and droughts predicted this sping. If only there was some way to save water when you have more than you need, some kind of reservoir of water

(82)

Students name space station module "Harmony." "Mike Rotch" came in close second

(67)

Half-assed liposuction leaves woman half-assed. Asinfourpointfive tag unavailable for headline

(81)

If you want to get re-elected to public office, it might be be best to not mention that you are an alien abductee

(57)

Gunman complains that he hadn't had all he could eat. Wanted $4.99 back

(58)

(The Oshkosh Northwestern)

Court declares Microsoft's FAT patent invalid. Your mom may begin collecting royalties now

(173)

Bally Fitness learns the hard way that Americans want to be fat and lazy

(173)

Benetton hires Warner Music exec as CEO, will immediately begin suing everyone who ever downloaded a v-neck sweater

(20)

Duke Lacrosse accuser won't answer prosecutors questions, cites losing Magic 8 Ball for problem

(141)

Officer, I've had too much to drink, forget about that field sobriety test and just take me to jail. But let me get this Big Mac first

(61)

(Idaho Statesman)

Winning Idaho Lottery ticket printed in error worth $1 million. Naturally a bunch of douches try to claim it

(88)

It had to happen: "Suicide Bombers," the situation comedy

(86)

Bad news for those of you hoping to spend the weekend on a plane: JetBlue cancels 215 flights ahead of winter storm

(58)

Soccer club has warned their fans against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught lobbing the popular salad vegetable could be banned

(57)

NZ council sues itself and wins, loses

(36)

Girl, 14, impaled while having fun with friends. More fun than you can stake a chick at

(256)

Using an Airsoft gun to shoot a pregnant woman gets Scotsman a stern talking to

Students stage protest rally, walkout over high school principal -- but that's not the really weird part

(106)

World's shortest St Patrick's Day parade runs 100 yards between two pubs in this tiny Irish village, which luckily also happens to be as far as the locals can stumble

(56)

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what kind of purified white powder you're going to get

(21)

U.S. will give visa to Iranian president. State Department reportedly happy to roll out red carpet for him to visit Guantanamo Bay as well

(76)

Politician who has his bike stolen calls for Sharia law to be imposed on bicycle thieves. If that involves beheading or public stoning, submitter is all for it

(79)

Non-trial of the century: Jury clears NBA player's wife of hurling hot coffee

(22)

(Entertainment Weekly)

Top 12 movies that make guys cry that have nothing to do with her taking half your stuff

(1057)

Sir, here's your ticket. Please watch your speed. Oh, and before I forget, you're under arrest for armed robbery and resisting arrest

(10)

(Trentonian)

Four idiots claiming to be from the "Abannaki Indigenous Nation," which includes citizens of Venus and Mars, try to claim diplomatic immunity after being arrested in New Jersey

(33)

Man smuggles grenade in pot of honey in failed attempt to assassinate Winnie the Pooh

(18)

(The Australian)

If you're happy and you know it, you're clearly not Hungarian

Further proof that smoking and drinking are dangerous. Especially when you're drinking rubbing alcohol. And trying to light that gutter-stub cigarette. With the shakes

(19)

Baltimore Police debut new community relations program: Arresting seven-year-old children

(99)

If you're summoned to appear in court, leave your cellphone at home. Yeah, and your bag of pot, too

(17)

Three-hundred-pound lesbian singer says she takes it as a compliment when people call her a “fat ugly biatch” (with pic of fat ugly biatch in spandex)

(218)

Man caught driving 159 mph has dangerous driving conviction overturned, citing his "unusual driving skills." Did we mention he's a cop? Yeah, that probably had nothing to do with it

(117)

McDonald's finally answers the question that's on everyone's minds: "Why did your employees ejaculate into my grandmother's milkshake?"

(63)

Raw milk, it must be more healthy, say urban hippies with various and sundry parasites

(207)

Man to be compensated for weapon that was broken when police ordered him to drop it

(51)

(Argus Leader)

Bank, casino, jewelry store, or flower shop? It’s Fark so you know which one this genius robbed. Bonus: purple Cavalier getaway car

(29)

Judge forced to apologize after telling man he was sentencing for breaking into elderly woman's house that he would get a shotgun and "blow the head off" anyone who tried to do it to him

(37)