Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-03-11 23:59:59'

Seventeen-year-old college student thinks Florida governor Charlie Crist is her father

Germany moves to posthumously strip Hitler's citizenship, meaning he'll need a new passport if he wants to move through Poland again

(62)

Recently discovered hormone may explain why teens are so moody. Listening to My Chemical Romance still unexplained, however

(79)

Why intelligent people tend to be unhappy

(390)

Nothing says "Tour de Georgia bike race" than breakfast at Waffle House

"Randy Gurchin performed mouth-to-snout resuscitation and CPR on Lucy" (with doggie pic)

(31)

Vladimir Putin is a very great man and has the unconditional love and support of his people. Right, comrade? Right? Smile

(63)

"A kindergarten teacher known as the 'Critter Lady' and her menagerie including a boa constrictor, turtles, frogs, small mammals and a monster toad were shaken up in a two-car collision"

(25)

Aussie teachers now required to be numerate and literate. That includes not banning Shakespeare for mentioning goblins

OK, so one of your teenage daughters has been missing for four months. You also notice a 'putrid' smell coming from one of the rooms. Some people would put together 'one' and 'one', but not this family

(77)

The USPS has proposed a "forever stamp" that retains its first-class value when postage rates go up. Photoshop a design for the first "forever stamp"

(109)

Brush fire in Orange County, 2 homes destroyed so far, hundreds of people evacuated

(101)

Diver beats off giant humpback whale. It would have been better if it were a sperm whale, but you make your submissions with the stories you have, not the stories you want

(60)

Comedian Richard Jeni commits suicide at age 45. Goodnight, funnyman

(222)

Woman, twice targeted in murder-for-hire plot, found dead. Cops say death not suspicious

(29)

(Times of India)

Cop goes berserk and kills five fellow officers, just because they tried to sodomize him while on duty

(78)

Old skool: "Is there a doctor in the house" New skool: "Are there any ActionScript programmers in the room?" SF coffee houses becoming the new place to run a business

(36)

(680 News)

Off-duty cop gives his radar gun to a friend so he can clock how fast the cop's new snowmobile really was. We don't know what the top speed was, but the deceleration was phenomenal

"Calculus hasn't changed in 300 years, so there's no need for a new edition of a textbook every couple of years"

(255)

College students surprised to have in-dorm pot farm shut down by campus cops

(62)

(kos)

Halliburton is moving HQ to Dubai, to get closer to new markets in Iran and Syria

(179)

Elderly man accidentally steps on accelerator instead of brake as his wife is opening the garage door for him, inadvertently executing a flawless Jersey Divorce

(60)

Man gets drunk, decides it will be funny if he calls the cops and taunts them for three hours. "He said we need to try harder to find him. He said he couldn't believe he hasn't been caught yet"

(57)

European Union wants speed limits on the last bastion of speed, the autobahn

(139)

One of our favourite farkers goes on vacation

(94)

(NZ Herald)

Researchers release groundbreaking study that finds that women feel sexier after having sex. Plans followup study to discover if water makes things wetter

(80)

(KABC)

Guy claims he created Spongebob Squarepants eight years before the character was introduced, waits until now to say anything

(90)

Americans are increasingly medicating pets. Your dog wants a Vicodin

(77)

"A joyous chorus of 'I do' is expected to resound around the world as unprecedented numbers of weddings take place on one of the luckiest days of the century: 7/7/07"

(115)

The first rule of Underground Combat League is that you do not talk about Underground Combat League

(47)

(EurekAlert)

Any article with reference to a historical Viking named Ragnar Hairybreeks is worth your time to read

(51)

British criminals find a sure fire method of avoiding jail. Don't turn up for the trial

(21)

"Starbucks must move out of the imperial palace immediately, and it can no longer be allowed to taint China's national culture"

(118)

(Mirror.co.uk)

Women comemmorate their weight loss by adopting an animal that weighs the same as what they've lost, adopt a baby hippo at the zoo

Quit your belly aching: Pulaski County, Indiana had to set their clocks forward two hours this year

(57)

(MetroWest Daily News)

High school students rush to buy school sports team merchandise before it is banned as politically incorrect

(69)

Photoshop this ballerina

(107)

Newborn Texas baby kidnapped from hospital found safe in Clovis, New Mexico

Woman calls police to report naked man on her couch. "The two did not appear to know each other," said Sgt. O'Really

(28)

(Some Podunk town newspaper)

Cool things you can do with a Tesla Coil -- just don't kill yourself

(57)

(Dethroner)

The worst tattoo job you'll see for a while: alien face on back of the head

(156)

America gets an "F" in religion

(586)

Missouri Nazis. I hate Missouri Nazis

(98)

Bully beats up and mugs 101 year old woman. "If I was younger I'd have gone after him" she says. (w/video)

(53)

Navy commissions USS New Orleans, says like its namesake city, it can take on anything as long as it doesn't involve water

(38)

(Some Security Guy)

On March 15th CBS is launching a massive DDOS attack on corporate networks across America

(29)

(nwherald)

If you plan to hire a hitman to kill your son, make sure it isn't an undercover FBI agent first

(43)

Washington State embraces the 20th Century, looks to double number of liquor stores open on Sundays

(45)

(Some ugly-ass human)

Rare ugly-ass banded linsang born at Malaysian zoo (with pic)

(26)

Remember to set your clocks ahead one hour for daylight savings time

(161)

(WHAS-11)

Four drunks use catfight at Waffle House as subterfuge to sneak out of their $100 meal tab and get into a high-speed chase. No word on how the hell you rack up a $100 tab at Waffle House

(102)

Long island teacher accused of being a witch

(150)

(Some Girl)

Photoshop this Roman emperor's sceptre

(62)

Texas town hosts it's own version of Whacking Day, complete with rattlesnake eating contest. Homer Simpson and ghost of Barry White unavailable for comment

(43)

When refusing to pay for lapdance do you 1) Promise to pay later 2) Run off and hide or C) Drunkenly get in your dilapidated van and drive the mother right into the place?

(KTVU Fox 2)

Oakland woman births baby on sidewalk, rips umbilical cord and leaves it for dead. Oakland tag, anybody?

(153)

On today's edition of 'When cats attack'

(155)

Fire & Rescue getting tired of Applebee's sizzling fajitas

(111)

Sat March 10, 2007:

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# of Comments

World's First SciFi Interior Design Firm sets up shop and they'll even redo your can

(55)

Man builds energy-saving house with water-filled old wine bottles

(66)

Swedish company proposes burning dead chickens to create electricity. That's fowl

(40)

(Wash Post)

Samuel L. Jackson wants the kids to speak English in What

(95)

(Queens Chronicle)

Badge saves rookie cop from being stabbed by steak knife-wielding lunatic. Badge given promotion, parade, freedom of city

(31)

(Naples News)

Proposed bill requires healthcare workers to report pregnant girls under age 16 to police, or lose their licenses

(162)

Scientists unveil mathematical blueprint describing the most beautiful women and men in the world. Submitter would get snarky like usual, but damn, it's like looking into a mirror

(249)

James Brown finally buried, reportedly feeling good...in gold coffin

Member of Maine legislature introduces a bill that will require graduating high school students to complete at least one college application before receiving their diploma

(153)

Unemployed getting free massages, makeovers and manicures to boost their self-esteem. Government has two words for people working two menial jobs to make ends meet and whose self esteem is at a low ebb, and they rhyme with 'duck shoe'

(88)

Get your new Jeep today. Options include power windows, anti-lock brakes, air conditioning that randomly spews flames

(67)

Theme: Upcoming Wii games

(93)

Criminal sentenced to life in prison for possession of single marijuana joint to be put back on streets in latest damning proof of liberal judicial activism

(121)

Music teacher loses day job at high school to continue playing in amateur theater production "The Full Monty." "We kind of hold our teachers to a higher moral standard than, say, someone who works for Comcast."

(60)

"Honey, who should we invite to our wedding party?" "Oh, sweetie, let me think..... how about 250 street beggars?" "OK"

(26)

Pedophile ranks presidential candiadates based on the "cuteness" of their underage daughters. Obama's kids win, yet he doesn't seem happy

(161)

Hospitals must report superbugs by next year. Starship Troopers on standby

(53)

When someone stopped to do actual research, it was found that Erin Brockovich's $300+ million lawsuit didn't actually have any basis in.. what's it called.. oh yeah, fact

(151)

(heraldonline.com)

Bad: Being busted for selling pot. Worse: At counseling center. Fark: When you're 8-years-old

(38)

New Jersey Attorney General tells police to falsify DUI arrest reports to work around a bug in breath test equipment

(49)

Apparently, Russia's just poisoning people at random now

(75)

Caption this messy fellow

(105)

Man with twenty entries in the Guinness Book of World Records takes a break to go bowling. For 168 hours

(30)

Parents in uproar after 8th grade health teacher actually discusses sex while teaching sex education. "There's certain things at her age they need to know. But this was a how-to manual"

(185)

Zombie Bin Laden 50 years old today

(78)

Napoleon Bonaparte biography

(121)

School vandalism is so bad in New Zealand that parents are forced to sleep in their kids' classrooms to stop them being trashed overnight

(32)

(heraldonline.com)

Fearing ski masks have bad rap, man decides to walk around town with one to prove people who wear them aren't out to cause trouble. Hilarity sure to ensue

(61)

Queensland survey finds that Australian women achieve orgasm more easily without men around. Men who have watched the entire No Man's Land series can see how that might happen

(49)

Man asks his girlfriend to marry him by making a film and showing it at his local cinema

(51)

(Island Packet)

Tree-removal company accidentally fells tree onto house after mistaking it for the adjacent empty lot. Oops

(13)

Call's to Victoria's 911 emergency line prove that Canadians are just as stupid as Americans. "We've had moms calling to say, 'My son won't eat his dinner'"

(79)

Brits who don't want to sign up to the voluntary ID card system won't be allowed to have a passport. Voluntary system, yeah right

(106)

The youth of today have eschewed dating in favor of hooking up. “Hooking up is like Thanksgiving for guys. They don't have to do anything to get sex” says one young woman. Pass the potatoes

(180)

(NBC 5i)

Woman takes her car to the car wash, is distressed when an attendant steals it and cleans all four wheels right off it

(19)

Tired of all the U.S. teacher/student sex scandals, Canada decides to join in

(38)

(DelawareOnline)

MADD decides that publicly supporting the legislator who used his position to get out of a DUI was not such a good idea after all

(47)

Woman calls the police, crying that someone stole her pot plants...again

(22)

(Charleston Daily Mail)

West Virginia teachers ask for 6% pay raise, WV Legislature says no because state can't afford it. Then turn around and give themselves a 33% raise

(271)

(hamptonroads.com)

NC woman sues Dollar Tree after the batteries fall out of the heel of a pair of light-up shoes and end up stuck in her 2-year-old daughter's nose. Wait, what?

(52)

(The Canadian)

Mexican university professor says that extraterrestrials walk among us and helped him with several of his medical breakthroughs. Yo quiero creer

(56)

Pong with a twist, how coordinated are you?

(87)

(Daily Bulletin)

Being carjacked is bad enough, but when they also take your clothes and leave you naked on the side of the freeway, well, that's just mean

(31)

(Some Chick in France)

Theme: Predict and photoshop the next big celebrity publicity stunt

(70)

Mmmm, Rachael Ray

(296)

Geologists to map the world. Not like we already have a map of the world, or anything

(182)

Envious of Florida hogging all the nation's stupidity, Vermont residents start keeping alligators as housepets. "They just don't warm up to people," understates reptile rescuer. "They don't ever become friendly"

(58)

Initial investigations prove captured Iraqi al-Qaeda leader isn't actually the Iraqi al-Qaeda leader

(54)

Woman marries her fiancé, just a few minutes before his cremation

(64)

(WWL TV)

FEMA medical trailers sit idle and empty in New Orleans while the local hospitals are overflowing. The ghost of Brownie still doing a heckuva job

(120)

Google Earth to rename Mount Hitler. Still no word on Pol Pot Pass or Mussolini Meadows

(58)

If your boss tells you to help get two clients to the airport in time to catch their flight, calling in a bomb threat to delay the departure isn't a good idea

Ugly ass rare baby tiger born in Davenport, Florida (with so-ugly-its-almost-cute pic)

(Record)

"When I looked out the window, I saw Ian holding a saw at the flagpole. He was cursing and shouting, 'There's your f*cking flagpole. Fly your f*cking flag now.' He seemed intoxicated"

(41)

Photoshop this squinty-eyed beach girl

(86)

Tour group spotted with abductors. Secretly blinked "h.a.v.i.n.g a g.r.e.a.t t.i.m.e. w.i.s.h y.o.u w.e.r.e h.e.r.e"

(25)

Today's 'face of Jebus found in an ultrasound of a fetus' story brought to you by Glasgow (with pic of our unborn saviour)

(127)

Some things you can find at your pawn shop: bike rims, some cereal, uranium and... wait, what?

(Town Online)

Cambridge, England invaded by car-eating rats

(37)

Apparently unaware of what happened to all the previous holders of 'world's oldest person' record, 128-year-old in El Salvador joins them

(28)

Meet Britain's ugliest dog (with photo badness)

(44)

From the "Aw, not this shiat again" department, Georgia to start offering Bible classes in school. ACLU seen sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches

(321)

Cutting your electronic monitoring bracelet off because you had tickets to the Jerry Springer Show is not an excuse that will fly with the judge

(24)

"The grassy areas outside Birmingham's NEC are not good places to walk right now. When you've got 25,000 dogs visiting over four days, some poop is inevitably going to remain unscooped"

(Slater Online)

Americans are no longer the tallest people on Earth. At least not if measured vertically

(178)

(KSL)

Utah Supreme Court rules that the smell of pot being smoked isn't reason enough for police to enter your home without a warrant

(190)

Fri March 09, 2007:

SUBMIT A LINK

# of Comments

Brad Delp of Boston - RIP and just keep on tokin'

(273)

Four words: USB-powered office cannon

(64)

Mexican voice-over actors who dub The Simpsons into Spanish are threatening to boycott the cartoon's movie if they are not hired to translate the film due for worldwide release this summer, costing the producers $6.35 worth of net profit

(82)

Twenty three year old teacher has sex with sixteen year old student. Judge lets teacher out with no bail. A cookie if you can you guesses the sex and looks? With pic goodness

(287)

Woman sends her parking ticket to a police station, along with unmarked (muffin mix) powder and a note saying she hopes the cops get the flu. What could possibly go wrong?

(34)

" "

(116)

Not news: Woman gets sued by neighbor. News: For smoking. Fark.com: In her own garden

(275)

Canada slammed for how it treats its Indians. Submitter humbly suggests we just grant them Quebec and solve two problems at once

(173)

Photoshop this cute couple

(134)

Houston school district to teachers: Could we get those bonuses back, y'all? Houston teachers to school district: Aw, hell no

(66)

Ants in Brazil are chewing images of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary on leaves

(58)

(Some Gal)

Last call for the L.A. Fark party, tonight 7pm at the Cat and Fiddle pub in Hollywood. Drew's gonna be there, good times

(127)

RIAA forcing university students to pay $3000 each to avoid lawsuits. Suck it, largest demographic of music-buying public

(371)

Osama bin Laden turns 50 on Saturday. Insta-shop him a card

(201)

(Some Bukowski)

America's greatest poet and author died thirteen years ago today

(173)

How many Europeans does it take to change a light bulb? All 490 million of them

(152)

When trying to unload a car full of stolen goods, try not to do it at the entrance to a police firing range

Music teacher fired after whacking viola student with bow. Student says she's just glad she wasn't taking piano

(106)

Your toaster catches fire while cooking meth. Do you throw baking soda on it? Smother with a blanket? Drive to Walmart to buy a fire extinguisher?

(108)

Ballistics expert who testified in hundreds of cases found to be lying about his credentials, decides to examine a bullet up close and really personal

(149)

(Some Hooker)

Judge rules that it is indeed OK to spend company money on hookers and blow. CEO's everywhere breathe a sigh of relief

(50)

Because “our culture loves to talk about being the victim” a new holiday, “GET OVER IT DAY,” has been created to prod people into moving on. Victimization industry expected to decry this attack on their livelihood

(186)

City fixes spelling error on road sign. After 20 years. After someone finally points out the mistake

(146)

Good: Mother only wants what's best for severely autistic son. Bad: "What's best" includes using small jolt from cattle prod to calm him down

(137)

Today is World Kidney Day. If you didn't wake up groggy in a bathtub full of ice, well, you didn't get with the program

(41)

Fat dogs forced into fitness classes. This story has nothing to do with Rosie O'Donnell, but we know that was the first thing that entered your mind

(56)

(tech tree)

Microsoft accuses Google of copyright violation. In other news, a 2:00 p.m. newsconference is scheduled by my kettle to say a thing or two about my pot

(65)

Male TF'er just lost some of his masculinity. Any ideas on how to get it back? DIT

(660)

(Telly)

Farmer falls down drain at health and safety demonstration. "It would be funny if it wasn't so painful," she notes

Hot American mom wins Mrs. World beauty contest in Russia, friends of her son ask to stay for dinner (SFW)

(136)

FBI underreported the government's use of the Patriot Act which -- Hold on, someone's knocking at my door

(379)

Boobies flashed, oral sex demonstrations in front of cameras. Spring break in Cancun? Naw, just another day riding the bus to high school

(175)

Judge reverses decision to let accused child molester visit Disney World, presumably after reading Fark

(37)

Introducing the new $49,500 bed. Yes, bed. No, it will not aid in getting laid, and the woman doesn't come with it, so technically it's just a really big, expensive piece of memory foam crap

(90)

Jedi Mail from the US Postal Service. Can Sith Stamps Be Far Behind?

(59)

Burglars claim to be police and tie up homeowner. "When the suspects returned to the bathroom, they found Mr. Daniels, now armed and in a shooting stance," say the real police

(172)

(pcworld)

Microsoft says HD Photo's lightweight algorithm causes less damage to photos during compression, with higher-quality images that are half the size of JPEG

(161)

Three dead as cyclone blows ashore in Australia. President Bush immediately blamed for not making country cyclone-proof, evacuating all residents

(103)

How do you provide public education as a private company, turn a profit, and still pay your CEO millions? Hmmm, let me think

(47)

If the police ask you why you got that knife, don't reply "It's easier than strangling"

(25)

(SB Sun.Com)

If you've lost a rental truck with over three tons of marijuana inside, the California Highway Patrol would like to have a word with you

(29)