Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-03-11 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Fark March Madness, your bracket sucks...1st prize: one year of Total Fark, 2nd prize: six months of Total Fark and 3rd prize: one month of Total Fark

(72)

Atlantic City agency in charge of doling out casino money to those in need considers the casinos themselves "in need"

(13)

Seventeen-year-old college student thinks Florida governor Charlie Crist is her father

Germany moves to posthumously strip Hitler's citizenship, meaning he'll need a new passport if he wants to move through Poland again

Recently discovered hormone may explain why teens are so moody. Listening to My Chemical Romance still unexplained, however

Why intelligent people tend to be unhappy

(390)

Nothing says "Tour de Georgia bike race" than breakfast at Waffle House

"Randy Gurchin performed mouth-to-snout resuscitation and CPR on Lucy" (with doggie pic)

Vladimir Putin is a very great man and has the unconditional love and support of his people. Right, comrade? Right? Smile

(63)

"A kindergarten teacher known as the 'Critter Lady' and her menagerie including a boa constrictor, turtles, frogs, small mammals and a monster toad were shaken up in a two-car collision"

Aussie teachers now required to be numerate and literate. That includes not banning Shakespeare for mentioning goblins

OK, so one of your teenage daughters has been missing for four months. You also notice a 'putrid' smell coming from one of the rooms. Some people would put together 'one' and 'one', but not this family

The USPS has proposed a "forever stamp" that retains its first-class value when postage rates go up. Photoshop a design for the first "forever stamp"

(109)

Brush fire in Orange County, 2 homes destroyed so far, hundreds of people evacuated

Diver beats off giant humpback whale. It would have been better if it were a sperm whale, but you make your submissions with the stories you have, not the stories you want

Comedian Richard Jeni commits suicide at age 45. Goodnight, funnyman

(222)

Woman, twice targeted in murder-for-hire plot, found dead. Cops say death not suspicious

(Times of India)

Cop goes berserk and kills five fellow officers, just because they tried to sodomize him while on duty

Old skool: "Is there a doctor in the house" New skool: "Are there any ActionScript programmers in the room?" SF coffee houses becoming the new place to run a business

(680 News)

Off-duty cop gives his radar gun to a friend so he can clock how fast the cop's new snowmobile really was. We don't know what the top speed was, but the deceleration was phenomenal

"Calculus hasn't changed in 300 years, so there's no need for a new edition of a textbook every couple of years"

(255)

College students surprised to have in-dorm pot farm shut down by campus cops

(kos)

Halliburton is moving HQ to Dubai, to get closer to new markets in Iran and Syria

(179)

Elderly man accidentally steps on accelerator instead of brake as his wife is opening the garage door for him, inadvertently executing a flawless Jersey Divorce

Man gets drunk, decides it will be funny if he calls the cops and taunts them for three hours. "He said we need to try harder to find him. He said he couldn't believe he hasn't been caught yet"

European Union wants speed limits on the last bastion of speed, the autobahn

(139)

One of our favourite farkers goes on vacation

(NZ Herald)

Researchers release groundbreaking study that finds that women feel sexier after having sex. Plans followup study to discover if water makes things wetter

(KABC)

Guy claims he created Spongebob Squarepants eight years before the character was introduced, waits until now to say anything

Americans are increasingly medicating pets. Your dog wants a Vicodin

"A joyous chorus of 'I do' is expected to resound around the world as unprecedented numbers of weddings take place on one of the luckiest days of the century: 7/7/07"

(115)

The first rule of Underground Combat League is that you do not talk about Underground Combat League

(EurekAlert)

Any article with reference to a historical Viking named Ragnar Hairybreeks is worth your time to read

British criminals find a sure fire method of avoiding jail. Don't turn up for the trial

(21)

"Starbucks must move out of the imperial palace immediately, and it can no longer be allowed to taint China's national culture"

(118)

(Mirror.co.uk)

Women comemmorate their weight loss by adopting an animal that weighs the same as what they've lost, adopt a baby hippo at the zoo

Quit your belly aching: Pulaski County, Indiana had to set their clocks forward two hours this year

(MetroWest Daily News)

High school students rush to buy school sports team merchandise before it is banned as politically incorrect

Photoshop this ballerina

Newborn Texas baby kidnapped from hospital found safe in Clovis, New Mexico

Woman calls police to report naked man on her couch. "The two did not appear to know each other," said Sgt. O'Really

Cool things you can do with a Tesla Coil -- just don't kill yourself

(Dethroner)

The worst tattoo job you'll see for a while: alien face on back of the head

(156)

America gets an "F" in religion

(586)

Missouri Nazis. I hate Missouri Nazis

(98)

Bully beats up and mugs 101 year old woman. "If I was younger I'd have gone after him" she says. (w/video)

Navy commissions USS New Orleans, says like its namesake city, it can take on anything as long as it doesn't involve water

(Some Security Guy)

On March 15th CBS is launching a massive DDOS attack on corporate networks across America

(nwherald)

If you plan to hire a hitman to kill your son, make sure it isn't an undercover FBI agent first

Washington State embraces the 20th Century, looks to double number of liquor stores open on Sundays

(Some ugly-ass human)

Rare ugly-ass banded linsang born at Malaysian zoo (with pic)

Remember to set your clocks ahead one hour for daylight savings time

(161)

(WHAS-11)

Four drunks use catfight at Waffle House as subterfuge to sneak out of their $100 meal tab and get into a high-speed chase. No word on how the hell you rack up a $100 tab at Waffle House

Long island teacher accused of being a witch

(150)

(Some Girl)

Photoshop this Roman emperor's sceptre

Texas town hosts it's own version of Whacking Day, complete with rattlesnake eating contest. Homer Simpson and ghost of Barry White unavailable for comment

(Some Podunk town newspaper)

When refusing to pay for lapdance do you 1) Promise to pay later 2) Run off and hide or C) Drunkenly get in your dilapidated van and drive the mother right into the place?

(KTVU Fox 2)

Oakland woman births baby on sidewalk, rips umbilical cord and leaves it for dead. Oakland tag, anybody?

(153)

On today's edition of 'When cats attack'

(155)

Fire & Rescue getting tired of Applebee's sizzling fajitas

(111)

Sat March 10, 2007:

# of Comments

World's First SciFi Interior Design Firm sets up shop and they'll even redo your can

Man builds energy-saving house with water-filled old wine bottles

Swedish company proposes burning dead chickens to create electricity. That's fowl

(Wash Post)

Samuel L. Jackson wants the kids to speak English in What

(95)

(Queens Chronicle)

Badge saves rookie cop from being stabbed by steak knife-wielding lunatic. Badge given promotion, parade, freedom of city

(Naples News)

Proposed bill requires healthcare workers to report pregnant girls under age 16 to police, or lose their licenses

(162)

Scientists unveil mathematical blueprint describing the most beautiful women and men in the world. Submitter would get snarky like usual, but damn, it's like looking into a mirror

(249)

James Brown finally buried, reportedly feeling good...in gold coffin

Member of Maine legislature introduces a bill that will require graduating high school students to complete at least one college application before receiving their diploma

(153)

Unemployed getting free massages, makeovers and manicures to boost their self-esteem. Government has two words for people working two menial jobs to make ends meet and whose self esteem is at a low ebb, and they rhyme with 'duck shoe'

Get your new Jeep today. Options include power windows, anti-lock brakes, air conditioning that randomly spews flames

Theme: Upcoming Wii games

(93)

Criminal sentenced to life in prison for possession of single marijuana joint to be put back on streets in latest damning proof of liberal judicial activism

Music teacher loses day job at high school to continue playing in amateur theater production "The Full Monty." "We kind of hold our teachers to a higher moral standard than, say, someone who works for Comcast."

"Honey, who should we invite to our wedding party?" "Oh, sweetie, let me think..... how about 250 street beggars?" "OK"

Pedophile ranks presidential candiadates based on the "cuteness" of their underage daughters. Obama's kids win, yet he doesn't seem happy

(161)

Hospitals must report superbugs by next year. Starship Troopers on standby

When someone stopped to do actual research, it was found that Erin Brockovich's $300+ million lawsuit didn't actually have any basis in.. what's it called.. oh yeah, fact

(151)

(heraldonline.com)

Bad: Being busted for selling pot. Worse: At counseling center. Fark: When you're 8-years-old

New Jersey Attorney General tells police to falsify DUI arrest reports to work around a bug in breath test equipment

Apparently, Russia's just poisoning people at random now

(75)

Caption this messy fellow

(105)

Man with twenty entries in the Guinness Book of World Records takes a break to go bowling. For 168 hours

Parents in uproar after 8th grade health teacher actually discusses sex while teaching sex education. "There's certain things at her age they need to know. But this was a how-to manual"

(185)

Zombie Bin Laden 50 years old today

Napoleon Bonaparte biography

School vandalism is so bad in New Zealand that parents are forced to sleep in their kids' classrooms to stop them being trashed overnight

(heraldonline.com)

Fearing ski masks have bad rap, man decides to walk around town with one to prove people who wear them aren't out to cause trouble. Hilarity sure to ensue

(61)

Queensland survey finds that Australian women achieve orgasm more easily without men around. Men who have watched the entire No Man's Land series can see how that might happen

Man asks his girlfriend to marry him by making a film and showing it at his local cinema

(Island Packet)

Tree-removal company accidentally fells tree onto house after mistaking it for the adjacent empty lot. Oops

(13)

Call's to Victoria's 911 emergency line prove that Canadians are just as stupid as Americans. "We've had moms calling to say, 'My son won't eat his dinner'"

Brits who don't want to sign up to the voluntary ID card system won't be allowed to have a passport. Voluntary system, yeah right

(106)

The youth of today have eschewed dating in favor of hooking up. “Hooking up is like Thanksgiving for guys. They don't have to do anything to get sex” says one young woman. Pass the potatoes

(180)

(NBC 5i)

Woman takes her car to the car wash, is distressed when an attendant steals it and cleans all four wheels right off it

(19)

Tired of all the U.S. teacher/student sex scandals, Canada decides to join in

(DelawareOnline)

MADD decides that publicly supporting the legislator who used his position to get out of a DUI was not such a good idea after all

Woman calls the police, crying that someone stole her pot plants...again

(Charleston Daily Mail)

West Virginia teachers ask for 6% pay raise, WV Legislature says no because state can't afford it. Then turn around and give themselves a 33% raise

(271)

(hamptonroads.com)

NC woman sues Dollar Tree after the batteries fall out of the heel of a pair of light-up shoes and end up stuck in her 2-year-old daughter's nose. Wait, what?

(The Canadian)

Mexican university professor says that extraterrestrials walk among us and helped him with several of his medical breakthroughs. Yo quiero creer

Pong with a twist, how coordinated are you?

(Daily Bulletin)

Being carjacked is bad enough, but when they also take your clothes and leave you naked on the side of the freeway, well, that's just mean

(Some Chick in France)

Theme: Predict and photoshop the next big celebrity publicity stunt

(70)

Mmmm, Rachael Ray

(296)

Geologists to map the world. Not like we already have a map of the world, or anything

(182)

Envious of Florida hogging all the nation's stupidity, Vermont residents start keeping alligators as housepets. "They just don't warm up to people," understates reptile rescuer. "They don't ever become friendly"

Initial investigations prove captured Iraqi al-Qaeda leader isn't actually the Iraqi al-Qaeda leader

(54)

Woman marries her fiancé, just a few minutes before his cremation

(WWL TV)

FEMA medical trailers sit idle and empty in New Orleans while the local hospitals are overflowing. The ghost of Brownie still doing a heckuva job

Google Earth to rename Mount Hitler. Still no word on Pol Pot Pass or Mussolini Meadows

If your boss tells you to help get two clients to the airport in time to catch their flight, calling in a bomb threat to delay the departure isn't a good idea

Ugly ass rare baby tiger born in Davenport, Florida (with so-ugly-its-almost-cute pic)

(Record)

"When I looked out the window, I saw Ian holding a saw at the flagpole. He was cursing and shouting, 'There's your f*cking flagpole. Fly your f*cking flag now.' He seemed intoxicated"

Photoshop this squinty-eyed beach girl

(86)

Tour group spotted with abductors. Secretly blinked "h.a.v.i.n.g a g.r.e.a.t t.i.m.e. w.i.s.h y.o.u w.e.r.e h.e.r.e"

Today's 'face of Jebus found in an ultrasound of a fetus' story brought to you by Glasgow (with pic of our unborn saviour)

(127)

Some things you can find at your pawn shop: bike rims, some cereal, uranium and... wait, what?

(Town Online)

Cambridge, England invaded by car-eating rats

Apparently unaware of what happened to all the previous holders of 'world's oldest person' record, 128-year-old in El Salvador joins them

Meet Britain's ugliest dog (with photo badness)

From the "Aw, not this shiat again" department, Georgia to start offering Bible classes in school. ACLU seen sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches

(321)

Cutting your electronic monitoring bracelet off because you had tickets to the Jerry Springer Show is not an excuse that will fly with the judge

(24)

"The grassy areas outside Birmingham's NEC are not good places to walk right now. When you've got 25,000 dogs visiting over four days, some poop is inevitably going to remain unscooped"

(Slater Online)

Americans are no longer the tallest people on Earth. At least not if measured vertically

(178)

(KSL)

Utah Supreme Court rules that the smell of pot being smoked isn't reason enough for police to enter your home without a warrant

(190)

Fri March 09, 2007:

# of Comments

Brad Delp of Boston - RIP and just keep on tokin'

(273)

Four words: USB-powered office cannon

Mexican voice-over actors who dub The Simpsons into Spanish are threatening to boycott the cartoon's movie if they are not hired to translate the film due for worldwide release this summer, costing the producers $6.35 worth of net profit

(82)

Twenty three year old teacher has sex with sixteen year old student. Judge lets teacher out with no bail. A cookie if you can you guesses the sex and looks? With pic goodness

(287)

Woman sends her parking ticket to a police station, along with unmarked (muffin mix) powder and a note saying she hopes the cops get the flu. What could possibly go wrong?

(34)

" "

Not news: Woman gets sued by neighbor. News: For smoking. Fark.com: In her own garden

(275)

Canada slammed for how it treats its Indians. Submitter humbly suggests we just grant them Quebec and solve two problems at once

(173)

Photoshop this cute couple

(134)

Houston school district to teachers: Could we get those bonuses back, y'all? Houston teachers to school district: Aw, hell no

Ants in Brazil are chewing images of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary on leaves

(Some Gal)

Last call for the L.A. Fark party, tonight 7pm at the Cat and Fiddle pub in Hollywood. Drew's gonna be there, good times

(127)

RIAA forcing university students to pay $3000 each to avoid lawsuits. Suck it, largest demographic of music-buying public

(371)

Osama bin Laden turns 50 on Saturday. Insta-shop him a card

(201)

(Some Bukowski)

America's greatest poet and author died thirteen years ago today

(173)

How many Europeans does it take to change a light bulb? All 490 million of them

(152)

When trying to unload a car full of stolen goods, try not to do it at the entrance to a police firing range

Music teacher fired after whacking viola student with bow. Student says she's just glad she wasn't taking piano

(106)

Your toaster catches fire while cooking meth. Do you throw baking soda on it? Smother with a blanket? Drive to Walmart to buy a fire extinguisher?

(108)

Ballistics expert who testified in hundreds of cases found to be lying about his credentials, decides to examine a bullet up close and really personal

(149)

(Some Hooker)

Judge rules that it is indeed OK to spend company money on hookers and blow. CEO's everywhere breathe a sigh of relief

Because “our culture loves to talk about being the victim” a new holiday, “GET OVER IT DAY,” has been created to prod people into moving on. Victimization industry expected to decry this attack on their livelihood

(186)

City fixes spelling error on road sign. After 20 years. After someone finally points out the mistake

(146)

Good: Mother only wants what's best for severely autistic son. Bad: "What's best" includes using small jolt from cattle prod to calm him down

(137)

Today is World Kidney Day. If you didn't wake up groggy in a bathtub full of ice, well, you didn't get with the program

Fat dogs forced into fitness classes. This story has nothing to do with Rosie O'Donnell, but we know that was the first thing that entered your mind

(tech tree)

Microsoft accuses Google of copyright violation. In other news, a 2:00 p.m. newsconference is scheduled by my kettle to say a thing or two about my pot

(65)

Male TF'er just lost some of his masculinity. Any ideas on how to get it back? DIT

(660)

(Telly)

Farmer falls down drain at health and safety demonstration. "It would be funny if it wasn't so painful," she notes

Hot American mom wins Mrs. World beauty contest in Russia, friends of her son ask to stay for dinner (SFW)

(136)

FBI underreported the government's use of the Patriot Act which -- Hold on, someone's knocking at my door

(379)

Boobies flashed, oral sex demonstrations in front of cameras. Spring break in Cancun? Naw, just another day riding the bus to high school

(175)

Judge reverses decision to let accused child molester visit Disney World, presumably after reading Fark

Introducing the new $49,500 bed. Yes, bed. No, it will not aid in getting laid, and the woman doesn't come with it, so technically it's just a really big, expensive piece of memory foam crap

Jedi Mail from the US Postal Service. Can Sith Stamps Be Far Behind?

(59)

Burglars claim to be police and tie up homeowner. "When the suspects returned to the bathroom, they found Mr. Daniels, now armed and in a shooting stance," say the real police

(pcworld)

Microsoft says HD Photo's lightweight algorithm causes less damage to photos during compression, with higher-quality images that are half the size of JPEG

(161)

Three dead as cyclone blows ashore in Australia. President Bush immediately blamed for not making country cyclone-proof, evacuating all residents

(103)

How do you provide public education as a private company, turn a profit, and still pay your CEO millions? Hmmm, let me think

If the police ask you why you got that knife, don't reply "It's easier than strangling"

(SB Sun.Com)

If you've lost a rental truck with over three tons of marijuana inside, the California Highway Patrol would like to have a word with you

Iran raises domestic price of gasoline to 43 cents a gallon on news that Eddie Van Halen has entered rehab

(23)

British man likes to have sex with cars. No, not IN cars, WITH cars. Currently has an eye on a slutty little Corvette

$80 Million mega lottery winner: "Money has already made me a liar"

Army Rangers buy AKs, grenades with bonus money, rob bank to expose war crimes commited by special forces. Wait what?

(Chattanoogan)

They always come in threes: the latest school shooting comes from East Ridge, Tennessee

Film asks why so many women in Guatemala face horrific violence. "It's the fashion here to murder women," says a man in the film. "That, and wide lapels"

(WNBC.com)

After gunfire rang out, New Jersey authorities say a lockdown procedure at an elementary school worked perfectly. But the guy who was shot, who was trying to get into the school to flee his attacker, begs to differ

(Times Herald Record (NY))

Photoshop these sunbathing stars

(61)

DOT engineers to whiny parents: it's your dumbass kids driving too fast that's the problem, not the roads

Man driving golf cart has rabbit leap inside cart, followed by large bobcat. Rabbit jumps out leaving bobcat and man inside. Hilarity ensues

Sled? Check. Dogs? Check. Provisions for conditions in the arctic? Check. Knowing how to read a map? Ummmmm

(some fit guy)

73% of American youth unfit to serve in military because they are “are morally, intellectually or physically unfit for service"

(417)

Lady Justice bronze statue installed in front of courthouse. Comments include "Magnificent," "Hideous," and "Where are her nipples?"

Violence in Darfur is caused by global warming. In related news, global warming ran over my dog and is a poor tipper

(197)

GPS 'bait' motorcycles being used to capture organzied theft rings stealing tricked out Harleys at Bike Week in Daytona Beach

Most people who take illegal drugs do not cause any harm to themselves or anyone else, according to a study that hates America

(814)

Old and busted: Divorcing couple painting a line down the middle of the house: New hotness: Chainsawing the house down the middle and leaving with your half

Man who has for the last 10 years been putting messages in bottles and throwing them out to sea has been told to stop in case they wash up and injure someone

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the boardwalk"

"You can walk down a [middle school] hallway at any given minute and see sex offenses happening"

(219)

Men who refused to let a woman in labour go to hospital, resulting in the death of her baby, jailed for six years. It's a justice of miscarriage

Melbourne barmaid charged for serving cleaning fluid to customer. Still no penalty for Fosters

It only took 63 convictions, 23 license suspensions and two fatal crashes before Maine decided not to let this guy drive anymore

(82)

Teenager "Cheneys" 5-year-old girl in the face with a BB gun because she wouldn't leggo her Legos

(EurekAlert)

Study finds that hospital equipment is unaffected by cell phone use, so go ahead and return that lawyer's call

Queenslanders shocked they will have to shower to an egg timer. "Shower?" said one nervous resident

Things that can delay your plane landing at O'Hare: snow, rain, coyotes on the runway ... wait, what?

(35)

Priests will purify a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visits next week

High school removes references to deity from yearbook only to pay $8,000 to get them back in after a conservative group threatens to sue

(NBC 4 columbus)

Two teens arrested for grand theft freight train

EU to do a doubletake regarding cloned meat

The Super Donut is packed with 14 vitamins and minerals. Homer weeps glazed tears of joy

At last it's official: scientists say that traveling backwards in time is impossible for human beings, even if you bring your own guns and have done it once before

(260)

According to this, female U.S. soldiers have died of dehydration to avoid late night trips to toilet for fear of being raped by male soldiers. Page has links to transcript and video

(264)

(Some Gnu)

Photoshop this gnu and friend

suBliminal ads foUnd to be remarkablY effecTive and OfTen result in people purchAsing Little items, oFten AfteR unKnowingly watching the ads

Storm puts sand from beach into garden. Man decides to shovel it back to beach, gets threatened with £50,000 fine or, even worse, have his wheelbarrow confiscated

Chief justice of Britain complains that some murderers are serving too long in jail, and some might even *gasp* die there. If you can imagine such a travesty of justice

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich acknowledged he was having an extramarital affair even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair. Dumbass beats Obvious for the blue ribbon (or dress)

(552)

Biologists can't figure out why 850 ducks were found dead in Colorado in January. After exhausting all natural causes, starting to suspect suicide after they realized they were stuck in Colorado in January

Caption Hugh Hefner laughing with a bunny

(128)

Thu March 08, 2007:

# of Comments

(NZ Herald)

Woman calls emergency services to report burglary, seeks return of stolen plants. Dude... wait what?

(Herald-Citizen)

Tennessee teens find out that Crazy George's ghost is the second worst thing you can be confronted by while vandalizing Crazy George's Bridge

"Public faith in leaders may be ebbing." Ric Romero and the Obvious tag to co-star in the film adaptation of this article

29th annual shortlist of world's weirdest book titles released. 'How Green Were the Nazis?' is the early betting favorite, but 'Fark: How Mass Media Tries to Pass Off Crap as News' seen as a strong write-in candidate

(21)

(Tampa)

Ah, the school bus. A place for friends to share stories, share laughs, bully kids, and snort cocaine

Car strikes truck filled with cookies. Fuzzy blue puppet wanted for questioning

Police officer given Swiss Army knife as retirement gift from colleagues, who then arrest and charge him for "possessing a knife in public without good reason" when it's found in his luggage when he takes a vacation

Your infant child won't stop crying. Do you A) give the kid a bottle, B) check for a wet diaper, or C) spray Lysol in its face until it does stop crying? Permanently

(165)

Some 2007 world's richest billionaire power rankings for you all to argue over

Jesus Christ linked to Italian mafia. Jesus

(73)

Brazilians waxed over Bush appearance

(68)

Simpsons movie premiere could be held in Springfield

Girl, 14, serves pot brownies at her birthday party. Submitter has the wrong friends

(76)

This is a very nice unit to rent, good view, great location, only 1 highly venomous cobra unaccounted for in the last few months, what's not to like?

Photoshop this "Texas Deer Stand"

(114)

(Some Shareef)

Muslim student sues school district for holding graduation ceremony in a Baptist church. Guess he never heard of the "Standing in a garage doesn't mean you're a car" argument

(574)

CDC says people should start taking personal responsibility for their health now or health care costs will spiral. Subby is too busy eating his new Angus burger from McDonalds to care

(103)

(The State)

Donate kidney, get 180 days off your prison sentence. Donate cornhole, you get to keep your dessert at dinnertime

News: public schools bill parents $36.13 for each day their kids miss school, saying "If You Play, Please Pay." Fark: the bills are non-binding, just like attendance Bonus: some parents are actually paying up

(news-leader.com)

For rent: Luxury duplex, 3BR, 2BA, garden view, sun porch, aged dynamite in attic

Pope calls Bob Dylan a prophet, passes joint and exhales plume of white smoke

Sororities for single mothers forming at major universities. Which is cool since you know they put out

(119)

Michael Jackson says he wouldn't change a single thing about his career, steadfastly refuses to leave little boys behind

Catholic teen sues social services agency for placing her with godless heathen Protestant foster parents

Cingular and WWE to double team our collective psyche

Man steals street sweeper to do doughnuts in the middle of the road. Since it was a streetsweeper, they were really...slow...doughnuts

(Popular Science)

Pentagon researchers turning to cockroaches, bees and fish in the war against terrorism. With great graphic of a gun-toting soldier bee

(San Marcos Daily Record)

Woman opens door for man at Pizza Hut, then sues both

(270)

Forget Cancun and South Beach. You know your Spring Break is going to totally kick ass when it starts in the back of a cattle trailer

Remember the Barbie Bandits? Yep, they were strippers (with pic)

(174)

(Funny stuff)

Blues Brother wannabe drives through a mall in his SUV. With mug shot worthy of hall of fame

(138)

(News10)

Government fails to inform city that nearby bomb testing would be of the nuclear variety. Oops

(86)

Undercover drug informant surprised to see name listed under sheriff's expenses in newspaper

Man robs hotel clerk while talking on his cell phone, strips, flees naked

(AdFreak)

Bagel shop proudly advertises that its bagels are "like vaginas"

(290)

Gurkhas mull admitting female soldiers for first time in fighting force's long history. Submitter would make a joke but doesn't care to have his head lopped off with one stroke of a kukri

To you Farkers who refuse to go skydiving out of fear that some flinty-hearted jackoff will subsequently sum up your life with a headline that includes the phrase "human-shaped divot" - your suspicions are correct

The man with the best claim to the throne of France is a lawyer living in India. Bonus: named Balthazar Napoleon de Bourbon

(Above The Law)

If you're an attorney who asks for an extension because you were drunk, best not to use a smiley emoticon in your request

(NY Times)

US Fish and Wildlife Service takes decisive action about the problem of polar bear drownings caused by global warming. They order their scientists not to talk to the media about Polar Bears

(358)

Judge to allow accused child molester to go to Disney World. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

(158)

It's raining balls in this South Florida neighborhood

(126)

New helmet allows players to manipulate games with their minds. Dr. Emmet Brown still working on Flux Capacitor

(98)

Coast Guard prepares for what it will do in case of huge exodus of migrants from Cuba when Castro dies, last seen being taught phonetic pronunciation of phrase "Say hallo to my leetle frien"

(Metro)

Man's idea to suck fuel out of his car with a vacuum cleaner after he mistakenly filled the tank with diesel, well, sucked

(70)

(Times-Trib)

Police in Dickson City baffled by crook who's putting porn on shelves of local Borders. “Besides catching this person red-handed, there’s not much more we can do”

(68)

Not news: Man loses 397 pounds. News: He still weighs 840 pounds. Fark: His town gave him a parade for his achievement, used a forklift to get him out of his house and put him on a truck

(129)

Bystanders decide the best way to help out a shooting victim would be to relieve him of all the weed in his trunk so that he could avoid drug charges. Thank goodness for good Samaritans

Photoshop Martin Scorsese and his Oscar

(Alternet)

Concierges at good hotels can get you reservations at a busy restaurant. Concierges at great hotels can get you copies of The New York Times from Sept. 17, 1957, or have your child enrolled in a prestigious private high school

News: 42-year-old soccer fan invades pitch, fells player with karate kick. Fark: The player is eight years old

(68)

Federal prosecutors seek to gag professional madam. Little do they know that costs extra

(81)

(NY Daily News)

If the junior high school teacher's minivan is a rocking, don't come a knocking -- especially is she's giving "speech" lessons to a 13-year-old boy

(106)

Unintentionally strange headline: "Congress steers spending to aliens, obese GIs"

(Some International Woman)

It's International Women's Day. Don't forget to give your favorite broad a congratulatory smack on the ass

(Charleston Daily Mail)

Woman showers fiance with gifts. Man flirts with other woman on street. Woman breaks off engagement, sues man. God bless America

(109)

High-ranking Iranian general -- who disappeared during trip to Turkey, was kidnapped by CIA then Mossad, then defected to Israel then U.S., is now spilling his guts to the CIA but is not in U.S. custody -- is still missing

(146)

(News4Jax)

Jogger struck by car upgraded from dead to mostly dead

Dog named Lassie dies rescuing elderly couple from house fire

(nbc10)

To protest a 200 percent higher electric bill, attention whore pays his electric bill in pennies. Oh yeah, the postage to get the pennies delivered was $50

(234)

Man -- cleared of murder charges after "Curb Your Enthusiasm" footage proved he was at Dodger Stadium -- settles claim against city

(143)

An Atlanta-based group is working on a vaccine that will kill the AIDS virus in as little as three to four years

(297)

(Some Alien)

Indianapolis turns over security to our extraterrestrial overlords

(Georgia needs a Tag)

Ever use your remote starter on a cold winter morning to get your car toasty warm before you get in? Better not do that in Georgia unless you want a $168 ticket

(569)

New York Times admits paying $2K for porn info. Don't they know it's cheaper to get the year-long subscription?

(craigslist.org)

Snow fort for rent in Minneapolis. One-year lease required

(Jacksonville.com)

91-year-old man wants 92-year-old Jack LaLanne to get off his lawn, get into boxing ring for four rounds. Bonus quote: "Florida is like the waiting room to the casket"

(Centre Daily)

Men forced to pay $3500 and choose between enlistment and community service after cow-shooting incident. Your dog wants steak, but not the consequences

(Bloomberg)

CEO on conference call: ``I don't want to be too sophisticated here, but 2007 is going to suck, all 12 months of the calendar year."

(132)

Photoshop this magic man

(89)

L337 Doctors just copying their work from tEh IntarWeb : LOL? Everybody panic

(This is London)

Hospital staff to wear special vests as violent patients getting way too stabby

Vienna to attempt clearing streets of vagrants by playing opera. Austrians have obviously never heard of Creed

Scotland sets aside hundreds of thousands of pounds "to honour the best and brightest in Scottish culture." Seems a bit like setting up scholarships for the best hockey players in Equador, but och, it's their money

(99)

Norwegian inn gets liquor license for its toilets, so guests have something to do while waiting for the effects of a goat head dinner to pass

Old and busted: Fingering "wash me" on a dirty car. The new hawtness: Fingering the Mona Lisa (with pic)

(PennLive)

Mother, grandmother arrested for spanking 12-year-old so severely that he cried

(636)

(kten)

Woman upset that Chuck E. Cheese applied for a permit to sell alcohol. No this isn't a repeat from 2003

Used boxes are cheaper and better for the environment than new boxes. Can you guess which intrepid reporter broke this story?

School closes all bathrooms, shocked when students begin urinating on bushes. Obvious and Florida tags locked in mortal combat

You think your job sucks, ever get a black eye from an elephant penis?

Elderly feline fitted with pacemaker, looking forward to chasing those damn kittens off her lawn

(Sui Generis)

During a videotaped deposition, should you A) refuse to answer questions and curse at the lawyers, B) hit your mother in the head with a light stand, C) attack the cameraman, or D) all of the above?

Moran attempts to imitate "Jackass" stunt involving lighter fluid and his junk, ends up imitating "Ow, My Balls" instead; hospitalarity ensues

(108)

While at Harvard Law, Barack Obama usually had no idea where to legally park, thus racking up some nice parking fines he didn't pay til this year

(510)

Two UCLA officials charged with illegally selling body parts from research cadavers. If only they had BRAAAAAIINNNSS

Scottish man wins $3,000 judgement against spammer. He wanted it to be a class action suit, but the court ruled it could only be him

Add 'trampoline rage' to the afflictions causing soccer moms to beat the shiat out of each other in front of their delicate little snowflakes

Armed robbery suspect in Memphis tries to quash eyewitness evidence by wearing bag with eyeholes cut into it to court. Because nothing proclaims 'innocence' in a courtroom like a defendant who shows up with a bag over his head

Farmer tries to beat property taxes by building a new house completely hidden in a barn full of straw. Didn't work

Wed March 07, 2007:

# of Comments

Photoshop these hay bales

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 96: "Everyday Heroes" LGT next week's theme. Rules are conveniently located in the first post

(200)

Atlanta's Hartsfield Intl named world's busiest airport. Suck it, O'Hare

(119)

Troopers clock 'Blues Traveler' singer John Popper at 111 mph. Bonus points for huge cache of weapons and pot in the trunk

(265)

Former Navy sailor arrested on terrorism / espionage charge(s)

Georgia truck driver claims half of the $390 million jackpot, becomes an inspiration to rednecks everywhere

(Proud 1759 Society Member)

(All Headline News.com)

Headline: "New poll says nearly half of men questioned have faked an orgasm in bed." Which begs the question: Where have the other half faked it?

(162)

Desperate Iowa mountain climbers turn to ice-covered farm silos so they have something to climb

(63)

McDonald's introduces bigger burger. Because Americans just aren't fat enough

(254)

MSNBC refers to girl who died in plane wreck as "...a little ball of fire." Which farker works for MSNBC?

(97)

The average wedding costs $27,852. I think I'd rather have about 15,910 cans of Guinness and be happy instead. You?

(474)

(WOAI)

Georgia hospital's security cameras catch tornado racing through it. Bonus pic of 2x4 impaled in patient's room wall. (With video)

Woman brings lawsuit against doctor who failed to properly kill her child

(427)

(Galway First)

That guy who was arrested for bringing a donkey into a hotel room? Yeah, it was a fake

Senior Taliban commander was captured wearing a burqa. "Soldiers spotted the tranny and quickly arrested him." Was given away when he said, "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Islam"

(Comedy Central)

"Suck my balls Saddam, stop wiggling." South Park on the cover of Rolling Stone

(163)

Photoshop this Antarctic octopus. Difficulty: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ia

(103)

U.S. Mint finally gets around to printing money for the atheists

(246)

From Conservapedia: Don't mess with Dino Jesus

(196)

(free Lance-Star)

Human skull found behind Virginia rock quarry. Initial reports find the skull previously manhandled by Danish nobility, then reburied by unfunny clowns

Woman sees Jesus in burned wallpaper (with video). Does mass media ever NOT run a story about Jesus appearing on something?

(96)

Town angrily denounces actions of "The Yellow Pimpernel" who spraypaints potholes with yellow paint to draw attention to lousy state of roads; says it will not be influenced by "guerrilla action"

NASA fires Fark's favorite diaper-wearing astronaut. Obvious tag explodes

Forget prayers: Idaho lawmakers post God's phone number in legislative directory

(spiegel.de)

German bishop compares Palestinian situation to that of a Jewish ghetto during the Holocaust, then mumbles "Hitler" to score triple Godwin points

(134)

(www.CNSNews.com)

Moral apathy is on the rise, but no one cares

(178)

(WNBC.com)

A woman says her shopping trip to New York went sour when she was wrongfully arrested and her daughter was taken away. But other than that, she had a good time

(86)

Big Bopper still dead. Fark will notify you if his condition improves

Bush Administration wants websites to keep records of who uploads images and videos. Because we all know that will make our children safer. God bless America

(204)

(Chronicle Herald)

If you're going to send an email with a picture of a 50-year-old topless aboriginal woman, please avoid doing it during work hours. -- The management

♫ Libby-Libby-Libby on the pardon-pardon-pardon ♫

(331)

When questioned by police about why you broke down the door to someone else’s home, it’s best to come up with a better explanation than “I am a werewolf.”

(72)

Today's "newspaper reporter plagiarizing another reporter's work" story doesn't come from The New York Times, but rather The Boston Globe, which is owned by The New York Times

(Soupy McGummer)

Actual headline: "Man robbed of a bag holding $875, his teeth"

(17)

Bush says communism in Cuba should die with Castro, even though it provides Cubans with endless amounts of happiness, pink bunnies and unicorns

(111)

(Fed News Radio)

Headline: Feds seize F-14s out of private hands. Other news: The free market allows temporary private ownership of F-14s

(81)

Obese couples have more difficulty in conceiving children. Home remedies like porn, reinforced bed frames and flour said not to help

Old and busted: Gold diggers. New hotness: Toxic Wife Syndrome

(135)

Man gives Girl Scout group counterfeit $50 bill, goes directly to hell

Report: "41 percent of the people over age 18 who visited MySpace.com during a recent four-week period were 35 or older..." In other news: Creepy older men use MySpace to stare at young hot teens from the comfort of their own homes

Now that threat by traffic detectors and cartoon billboards has been neutralized, Boston law enforcement targets illegal immigrants. No word yet on whether they will be detonated in a safe location

(46)

Western feminism is dead, because so many feminists ignore the plight of their oppressed Muslim sisters

(291)

Graduate student writes poetry using only lines from spam emails. (With examples)

(Florida Today)

Florida county reliant on its fleet of Vietnam-era choppers, bought for $500 each, flown to hell and back, and supplying numerous high-quality chase videos to Spike TV

Mistakenly believing that they have a say in the matter, 30 Vermont towns pass resolutions to impeach George W. Bush. Suck it with Ben & Jerry, libs

(220)

Blonde white woman missing since Feb. 19. EVERYBODY PANIC. Oh wait, she's 40 years old and not very attractive? Move along, people

(35)

(CBS 46)

Sir, you’re going to have to check your eight bags of marijuana and 14 guns before the plane takes off

(American Thinker)

Airbus and the A380 have elements of a Greek tragedy. Of course, without all the eye gouging and a little less mom bonking

Louisiana mayor's body to be exhumed for third autopsy

Comcast cable repairman murders immigrant, admits murder was actually scheduled for three weeks earlier

Senate to examine credit-card fees because this country's only large enough for one group to be taking 30 percent of your money

Edward James Olmos does a bit of improv acting in recent "Battlestar Galactica" episode, destroys prop model ship in fit of rage. Turns out it wasn't a prop, it was a museum piece

(310)

FCC to XM: You're not Sirius

(95)

(Some Snake Charmer)

"She picked up two western diamondback rattlesnakes, a pigmy rattlesnake and two copperheads in an attempt to thwart off police." Then things got weird

Las Vegas wants the groundwater from farms upstate so drunken tourists can enjoy the casino fountains

(Iowa City Press-Citizen)

Co-ed's $17 bribe attempt to avoid $500 fine could get her five years in jail

(MyFoxPhilly)

“Students pay from $6,499 to $8,999 to have the company find them an eight-week summer internship.” So, in this case, unpaid work costs about $7,500. Somebody failed economics

(75)

Today's school shooting story brought to you by Midland, Michigan. One female student confirmed shot

(191)

(News 4 Nashville)

"Marvel kills off Captain America." This is what passes for front-page news, as will "Marvel brings back Captain America" in five months

(185)

Fark TV: Worried your kid is going to grow up to be an asshole? Trade 'em in at Barry Blintz's Baby Trade and Car Bonanza

(54)

(WOWT.com)

Suspicious powder in a rolled $20 bill shuts down courthouse. Hmmm what could it be?

(WFAA)

Comerica bank abandons Detroit for downtown Dallas. Other than warmer winters and decent BBQ, the "downtown suck factor" balance sheet is even on this one

(150)

(Tacoma News Tribune)

Woman calls police to complain about speeders in her neighborhood, gets speeding ticket in resulting crackdown

Turns out the jury foreman in the Libby trial was Tim Russert's neighbor. That means nothing of course

(371)

"Stocks move sideways in midday trading." Whatever the hell that means. You submitted this with a wine joke

U.S. government wins big in $370 million Mega Millions lottery, will also share it with two people in NJ and GA

(KKTV)

Woman wakes after more than six years in a coma, plans celebratory visit to NYC to tour the World Trade Towers, asks how President Gore is doing

(Courant.com)

Zoning commission denies permit to build Buddhist temple, stating that the Asian architecture would have a negative impact on property values, not to mention all the ninjas

(232)

(NFL Fanhouse)

Peyton Manning is also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs

(Telegraph)

Wikipedia theology expert exposed as a 24 year old community college dropout, used "Catholicism for dummies" book

(611)

Airline announces it will cut rates up to 40 percent. Good news slightly tempered by the fact that they also announced they would be charging for every piece of luggage and even soft drinks on flights

(197)

(Courier Journal)

KY writer does an op-ed piece about nutsacks

(122)

Indian village investigating missing chickens blamed local dogs at first, but then found out it was one of their cows eating them. Mmm, chickabeef

(Times Leader)

PA man blames his whiskey-flavored Red Man Select chewing tobacco for his DUI arrest

Man robs underwear store while believing he's a female elf, a delusion he'll find useful when dealing with prison showers

(99)

Man publicly stabs his wife at least 10 times, pours gasoline over her and tries to set her on fire as good Samaritans try to stop him by honking their horns at him

(505)

Man sleeps through 20-ton front-end loader crashing into his house

Police arrest truck driver after his hit-and-run with a Mitsubishi ends with the car's driver clinging to the fleeing truck. Police still unclear about how a person driving a Mitsubishi survived any kind of collision

University of Connecticut gets nagging herpes problem under control

Annual State Department report on human rights mentions the plight of a Kazakh television reporter named Borat. This is not a made-up tagline

61 year-old Britsh great grandmother lands a nine-foot lemon shark. A bigger boat was not needed

(65)

2,400 snakes found in packing crates that were set to be sent to Hong Kong via airplane. What could have possibly gone wrong that could have been made into a halfway decent movie?

(59)

(News4Jax)

After losing your job, always remember to retrieve all personal items from desk like family photos, stuffed animals, child porn

Five fishermen die after smelling their catch, fingers

(Spiegel)

Spain criticized for cruel sport of quail tossing. Submitter's joke headline woulda been funny two presidents ago

University entrance exam official busted for fatally stabbing girlfriend, plans to offer a defense in 500 words or less

(12)

Groom hits his new bride with car just days after wedding, a move commonly known as the "Jersey Divorce"

85-year old man falls from fifth floor window, is caught by nail sticking out of wall. Doctor Clear Lee Obvious says man "should be more cautious around windows"

Man claims toxic fumes from welding job made him download all those gigs of kiddy porn

(Smokey)

Grandma caught with large bag of Cheetos and a little twenty twen twen (with pic)

Further dignifying the Anna Nicole saga, O.J. Simpson says he could be Baby Daddy due to his slow-moving sperm, then adds classy remark about the Goldmans seizing the baby

A roundup of stupid marriage traditions from around the world. Submitter laughs bitterly, wonders why 'getting married, period' isn't on the list

Bird last seen 139 years ago is found to be alive and possibly delicious in Thailand

Hard up TV channel to broadcast "masturbate-athon" for charity. Who gives a toss?

Today's "Police arrest some of the scariest looking Florida prostitutes ever" story is from Melbourne, with photos you will never, ever forget

(276)

Senate confirms Crocker as ambassador to Iraq, announces plans to try to win over insurgents with delicious yet simple recipes

(24)

The BBC has lost all its recordings from September 11, 2001. Whoopsie-Daisy

(428)

Gunslinger declares war on weeds. Apparently, they have forgotten the face of their father

Skinny inmate strips down and escapes cell through slot meant for food tray. In other news, Scooter Libby begins Atkins

(19)

Ugly-ass baby pig born with one head, two mouths, two noses and three eyes. Pic goodness? You betcha

(Theage.com.au)

Gambler who couldn't master the "know when to fold'em" part sues casino for letting him lose $30 million

(Boing Boing)

"Inmate" farks up Scooter Libby's Wikipedia page to extort $20 million and 3 cigs to prevent PMITA

(21)

U nd 2 lv r cntry kthxbai

Man pleads not guilty to toilet murder, hoping to avoid a lengthy spell in the can

(24)

Who can take a couple, choke 'em till they're blue, drain their bank accounts and steal a credit card or two? The handyman, the handyman can

(85)

Photoshop this soldier setting his sights

The term "Stone Age" is now considered politically unacceptable. The GEICO cavemen seen nodding in agreement

(263)

Tue March 06, 2007:

# of Comments

¡¡dlәɥ puәs

(199)

GEICO caveman, distraught at not getting his TV series, robs Alaskan bank with a torch

Iraqi man with magnet in his rectum detained for questioning at LAX. Wile E Coyote seen following closely behind, on roller-skates

Dolce and Gabbana are shocked, SHOCKED to hear that their ad depicting a woman about to get gang raped has been banned. Apparently the argument "she wanted it" doesn't work

(351)

Woman arrested for luring young boys to home, having hot tub orgy while fire chief husband watched (with pic goodness)

(137)

Atkins diet performs best in longest-running, largest head to head comparison of popular diet plans. Suck it, vegans

(256)

(Stevens Point Journal)

Man calls cops to ask for their help breaking into church. Then it gets weird

(National Geographic)

Now available: carbon credit certificates for dog flatulence. Your dog wants refried beans, eggs, hard cheese and beer

(Daytona Beach News-Journal)

(News 10)

Teenager drinks a whole bottle of Bacardi 151. Funeral home offers discount on cremation (see thread for direct link)

(211)

If you and your friends plan to rob a bank that requires employees to unlock the door to let you in, maybe you shouldn't show up waving guns and wearing ski masks

(17)

What would you do with $370 million? Being insane and penniless in three years conspicuously absent from list

(319)

Forty-two thousand defibrillators being recalled over "serious software problems". The term "blue screen of death" becomes frighteningly apropos

Indonesian airliner crashes, bursts into flames upon landing at Yogyakarta Airport. Passengers trapped, story developing

(nbc11.com)

Raise a glass. The world's largest winemaker, Ernest Gallo, dies at 97

Man arrested for stealing 35 pounds of candy after watching a movie. Police indicate that because it was movie theater candy, the street value is $4.73 million

Cheap feminism: Why Dove's "average woman" commercials are a load of crap

(138)

(Sun Star)

Police chief "asked the two inmates to massage his penis because it ached due to muscle spasm." Talk about rubbing out crime

(Hindustan Times)

Indian astrologers try to predict stock market. Still no cure for Cancer

Man goes to elementary school, delivers cupcakes and balloons for birthday party, offers students $10 for their urine... wait, what?

(Radar)

Undercover writer sneaks into speed dating party where middle aged millionaire schmucks pay $500 to meet 22 year old hot gold-diggers

Bono's "Red" campaign has raised $18 million to fight AIDS in Africa, which would be really awesome if they hadn't spent over $100 million advertising it

(224)

Man arrested for possession due to unzipped fly

(23)

Small Icelandic town to challenge Western ideas of beauty with "alternative" beauty contest. Sagging boobs, wrinkles, muffintops, bad teeth, missing limbs welcome

Massachusetts considers raising school dropout age to 18, or as Massachusetts residents call it, 6th grade

(Green Bay Press-Gazette)

If the police think your pipe bomb is a marijuana pipe, you might not want to correct them

Twelve year-old girl faces child pornography charges for snapping a pic of her own cooter and e-mailing it to 10 friends, in what can only be described as the worst chain letter idea ever

(218)

Washington DC receives unfair bill from company it outsourced parking meter enforcement to. Looks like the boot's on the other tire now

(AM 1220)

Top CEOs form task force on climate change. Plan to introduce Happy Smog Day and Take Your SUV to School Day

(19)

(News 4 Nashville)

Police looking for robbery suspect involved in assault with deadly catfish

Woman uses baby as weapon in domestic fight. Defense attorney claims baby was not loaded

(137)

(sum yun guy)

Wen Jiabao admits to failing on pollution. Hu is left to fix it?

(54)

Photoshop this guy, his mutton chops and his magnificent robot lamp

(96)

Bob Dole says that Bob Dole will probe the military hospital scandal. Bob Dole

(Some Dunecat)

Spice production halted by poison contamination. Muad'dib sought for questioning

(181)

With nothing better to do that day, a group of self-proclaimed "vampire hunters" drive a stake through Milosevic's rotted heart

(The Record)

Potential winner of the Mother of the Year Award: Mom convicted of three-way sex with her 14-year-old daughter and another man

(223)

(www.CNSNews.com)

An American tourist accidentally wanders into a forbidden Hindu temple, so they arrest him, wash the place with milk, throw out $5,000 of food "polluted" by his presence

(183)

Asexuals say they're misunderstood in a sex-obsessed world

(575)

(WTHR)

Having grown bored of sex with their teachers, sixth-graders have sex with each other in the middle of class

(235)

Princes William and Harry put a smartass message on their grandmother's answering machine. WASSSUP this is Liz... yo

Couple charged for defrauding over 10,000 people for millions of dollars selling forged art works on TV show. In other news, thousands believe Picassos, Chagalls and Dalis can be purchased on TV shows

Oil prices rise above $60 a barrel after two entire days of no new news about Britney Spears

Teen shoots self in heart with three-inch nail -- and survives

(NBC6.net)

Baby in a jar, the new tacky tourist souvenir, not likely to gain popularity

(76)

Green sex -- it's not just for Captain Kirk anymore

Steamy emails released in astronaut love triangle. "Ooh, baby, you know I want to dock with your space station to the break of dawn." Notes also make frequent references to heating up on re-entry

Anyone have any good office pranks that I can use on my supervisor? Difficulty: No powertools, just a Leatherman

(349)

Journalist who hurled himself out of a five story window totally by accident was working on story of Russia supplying weapons to Syria and Iran

Rachel Ray bitten by dog. Contacted for a response, dog says, "Yum-o"

(166)

Canadian finance minister asks banks to pretty please stop charging ATM fees. Banks cackle, use hundred-dollar bills to light cigars made of human babies

Survey reveals people would rather have a male boss than female because women are "biatchy, catty, emotional, gossipy, moody." That, and, trying to fark your female boss won't get you promoted, it'll get you sexual harrassment

(200)

(JournalNews)

Guess which word three high school girls are suspended for using after they read "The Vagina Monologues"

(281)

Drunken idiot breaks into Mary Tyler Moore house on dare, is found there asleep, shoeless and with a ceiling fan remote control in his pocket. "This guy's not using a lot of brains," police note

Michael Eisner and friends to buy Topps for $385 million, Honus Wagner rookie card

(New York Times)

Wikipedia administrator caught lying to media about his education, ends up Wikipwned by Jimbo Wales

(95)

Schwarzenegger calls for commando-style attack to terminate gangs, hopes collateral damage doesn't begin end of days

Woman holds up bank with a box of baby wipes. "No one was hurt."

First ugly-ass baby rhino birth caught on webcam

(Old Spice)

"It's their rink, it's their ice, and it's their f**kin town." Video of some of the best inspirational sports speeches. Sponsored link

Scooter found guilty. Kermit, Fozzie beyond words

(1213)

Four million fleeing Iraqis can't be wrong: Sweden the place to go if your country is a warzone

(PJStar)

A story about a female teacher farking her student, that you're reading about on Fark, as covered by a reporter named Leslie Fark. It's a self-contained Fark trifecta

(150)

Metal thieves stealing kids' slides, toilet roof... wait, what?

Not news: Tennessee is running commercials to get Californians to move to Tennessee. News: The commercials use fellow Californians. Fark: The target audience is prisoners

(News4Jax.com)

You're a police officer. You come home to find a sheriff's deputy banging your wife. You taser the @#$%#@. Result? He's suspended for 15 days. You're facing criminal charges

(230)

All the coolest debuts from the Geneva Motor Show in one place, with as-they-happen updates today and tomorrow

The 2008 Presidential Election Campaign will be a nine-month-long contest between the richest Republican and richest Democrat. Suck it, voters

(277)

Instead of learning how not to fill your teenage face full of calories, why not get your stomach stapled? It's the in thing to do

(147)

Smile, today is Dentist's Day. Or, as it's known in Britain, Tuesday

Father instructs toddler to "stab mommy." Stewie is pleased

(119)

British police unveil the latest scheme to improve crime figures: Not Giving Out As Many Criminal Records. At this rate, Britain should be officially Crime-Free by 2009

Teen manages to drive self home with a screwdriver embedded in his face. What a tool

Court denies tax-exempt status to California group formed to fight "slavery of Hollywood celebrities"

(Some Shopper)

Photoshop this Toddy Trapper

Skinny models complaining they're not getting work because they're too thin. Eat a sammich, ladies

(229)

We still don't know who put the "hot" in 'hottentot', or the "ape" in "apricot," but police have captured the man who put the "semen" in "the girls locked in his basement"

(194)

Northwest Airlines employee arrested for ejaculating on a passenger's back. Now that's thinking outside the box

(Baylor.edu)

Publik skool sistum creyates dum collij stewdents

(220)

(Myrtle Beach Online)

Good: Hiding your weed in the trunk so no one sees it. Bad: You have 43 pounds of it. Worse: You smash into a cop car

Pictures of the world's most expensive car wreck, or why you shouldn't try to drive an £830,000 Bugatti supercar in the rain, particularly if you happen to be an idiot

(146)

Drill sergeant accused of forcing trainee to dress as Superman and submit to sex acts. Apparently, he had buns of steel

(73)

The judge Blighthly accepts the decision to Caine two sex criminals. The Christians however, are damn near mutinous

(Metro.co.uk)

Disney beaten off by porn producer

Stage hypnotist puts university student to sleep in England, has him wake up in Morocco. "His profound bewilderment eventually gave way to huge delight," explains hypnotist

(46)

(Quad-City Times)

Not giving someone gambling money? That's a hammering

Apparently driven mad with Britney news, man scalps girlfriend

Girl calls 911 to report her grandfather cheating during a game of cards. Who's got the Old Maid now, biatch?

Pilot makes suicide dive into mother-in-law's house. Garp unavailable for comment

Drew appearing on the FoxNews "Red Eye" program (2:00 a.m. Eastern/11:00 p.m. Pacific). And you will know him by the wearing of the UFIA shirt

Photoshop this traditional haka

(83)

Disney "imagineers" re-animate Dr. Honeydew and Beeker. Five minutes later, they become self-aware, begin hunt for Sarah Connor

(The Telegraph)

Following up on its successful gun-control program, the UK prepares to impose draconian restrictions on swords. Next up: Broken bottles, pointy sticks

(237)

Verizon, Sallie Mae and NetBank pull advertisements from Ann Coulter's website. Ann Coulter to announce that she suffers from alcholism in three... two...

(488)

Meteor the size of a deck of cards crashes into Bloomington, Illinois home, smashing through computer desk and nearly depriving homeowner of reading Fark

(73)

Georgia town outlaws karaoke, trivia, pool and video games. "We can show studies that show that bars and honky-tonks lead to more crime," mayor says. Ren McCormack wanted for questioning

(133)

Mon March 05, 2007:

# of Comments

(usgs.gov)

6.3 quake off Southern Sumatra, Indonesia. You know the drill -- EVERYBODY PANIC

Now that Hiccup Girl has been cured, leave it to the press to find their next ratings super hero -- Sneeze Girl

The dude in the newspaper ad is buff. The dude has guns. The dude has washboard abs, thick shoulders, a massive chest. And the dude is, well, old. He's 67. Also, the dude is getting the rug pulled over his eyes

The world generated 161 exabytes of digital information last year. That's 161 billion gigabytes

(126)

Another hot teacher bites the dust (with pic)

(177)

Teen boys skip school to attend Boobs on Bikes parade, happen to get their picture in the paper. School officials somehow not responding positively

(WFMY)

News: Museum evacuated because of unattended bag. Fark: Unattended bag full of ladybugs

"Wives or husbands who place high value on possessions are more likely to experience financial problems"

Bottles of holy drinking water carry a label that warns sinners that if they drink it, they may experience burning, intense heat, sweating and skin irritations (video)

(127)

Boring: Man busted for DUI. Fark: Article contains the words "trailer," "rebel flag hat," "Cow Creek," "big fat joint" and "beef jerkey"

Dead python the source of the bad smell in a car. Ah, Mr. Chapman, I knew I hadn't seen you for a while

Moderate drinking in older men found to improve fitness

Retiring Northwest pilot states that future airliner terror attacks are likely. And that Boeing rigs their 747s to detonate by remote control

Brushing your teeth is about to get a whole lot easier after research finds that you can hold the brush still after a few strokes and the following epileptic seizure will take care of the rest

(27)

Popping vitamin pills could increase your chance of dying by five percent. Great, now I have a 105 percent chance of dying

(128)

Journalist taking a whiz on a cemetary monument while covering a soldier's funeral? You can just bet that's a firing

Man goes to the hospital after a mouse he tried to kill came back when he was sleeping and tried to kill him

One dead, three wounded in shooting at menu-printing plant. The stress of the menu-printing business was too much

(34)

Photoshop this couple having fun getting wet together

(Clarion-Ledger)

State Farm to Katrina victims: We denied your claim. Enjoy this teddy bear

(206)

Man man man dies dies dies in in in avalanche avalanche avalanche near near near Echo Echo Echo Lake Lake Lake

Some states allow police to work for up to two years before receiving any training. What could possibly go wrong?

Actual headline: "Flaming eggs tossed on dead Christmas tree start fire"

(35)

"Meh," the word that's sweeping the Interwebs. Can an ABC pilot be far behind?

(186)

If you misplaced your black iron cauldron and the human bones it contained, Maryland State police would like a word with you

(MyFoxHouston)

Another blind junior high school student caught with a naked teacher in the back seat of her car

(153)

The "Indiana Jones of Beer" has died

College faculty increasingly choosing to live in the same dormitories as smoking hot, virile co-eds. Surely their motives are pure

(70)

(WGAL)

National Vocabulary Contest commences today in New York City. Contestants say they are jubilant, euphoric yet somewhat discombobulated

Santa Monica combats squirrel problem with squirrel birth control. In other news, if you've mastered the delicate, artful ballet of putting a condom on a squirrel with large nuts, your dream job just became available

Researchers discover spider "chastity belt." Still no cure for cancer

"Gay" Snickers commerical and Prince's penis guitar top complaints to FCC. The Smoking Gun is there with copies of viewer's emails

(442)

Moose brings down helicopter. Still can not pull rabbit from his hat

(98)

Forty-four church nursery workers and pastoral staff fired after New Life Church sex scandal. Job prospects in the hooker and meth-dealer trades, however, are looking brighter

(134)

Kings' Ron Artest arrested on charges of domestic violence

(144)

(Strategy Page)

The "mystery weapon" identified in Iraq turns out to be a rocket launcher kludged together by Chechens

(110)

Transit employee spends 20 years slowly stealing $40,000 worth of subway tokens, only to be foiled when transit system switches to swipe cards

Vladmir Putin continues his transition from "cool foreign guy" to "full blown Bond villian"

(191)

Man recently released from prison claims that the constant media and police attention makes him more likely to rape women again. Actual headline: "ANGER OF THE BALCONY RAPIST"

(148)

(Some ebayer)

What's the weirdest thing you bought on eBay?

(549)

Pakistani police search for a man who dug up his father's two-year-old corpse and took it home in a hijacked ambulance to try to bring him back to life

(83)

The state of North Dakota, starved for entertainment, gathers 8,900 people together to set record for the most "snow angels"

(63)

(Some Mom)

The anatomically incorrect plastic broad now has a dog that takes dumps. Your dog wants a pooper-scooper, Barbie

(113)

Fark TV talks to the model parents of the 218-pound eight-year-old

Elderly woman with arthritic legs slips and falls on train tracks. Naturally, she decides to sit and wait for help instead of getting off the tracks. When the train comes, she lies down and amazingly emerges unscathed

(76)

Permanent Katrina victims evacuated from FEMA trailer park, but not before voting for "Sloth" as their favorite deadly sin

(444)

Supreme Court to disgraced WorldCom CEO: No, you can't have a life outside of PMITAP for the next 25 years. Not yours

(81)

Chinese premier opens parliament, promises goodies for all good revolutionaries, warns Taiwan not to get uppity or anything

Evangelical preacher urges followers to be more like him and become "smart investors." Owning a business that takes 10 percent of every customer's income while exploiting their insecurities is a good start

(212)

NYPD calls neighboring city to see if they should let a councilman slide on a DUI. Councilman suddenly wishes he voted for that new police contract

Could "Heroes" and "Lost" end up having a super secret war crisis on infinite Earths crossover event? The truth is out there

(304)

Ban on booing at high school sporting events being considered in Seattle. The pussification of America continues

(206)

Saturday, March 24th, 7:00 p.m. Chicago Fark party. Black Rock on Damen. Info on the meet-n-greet in thread

(128)

Twenty-five years ago today, John Belushi died. Little chocolate doughnuts still without a spokesman

Winter's a trial for Maine's nudists

You mean my shoebox condo isn't worth a million? Gasp

(135)

Why the media serves us up a steaming pile of crap and we like it. By Drew

(311)

Remember all those federal prosecutors that Bush just fired for no particular reason? It turns out there was a particular reason after all

(273)

"I know, I know. I'm so bad"

Photoshop this fillet steamer

(M.E.N)

Do you go out a lot without telling anyone where you’re going? If so, you can now be reported as a terrorist

(176)

Terrorists vow to put Prince Harry in a bag when he is sent to Iraq. Prince Albert remains in a can

(183)

Three German teens face $6,450 fine if court determines that the firecrackers they lit outside a farm scared the libido out of farmer's ostrich

Thanks to Borat, tourists are flocking to Kazakhstan

(The Roanoke Times)

New college geography textbooks feature mixed-drink recipes and cartoon characters, and notes that the Rape of Nanking "really sucked for China"

(176)

If there is anything Duke hates more than losing to North Carolina, it's losing and being called dirty at the same time. Duke sucks

(158)

Downtown highway in Toronto closed because four-foot chunks of ice are falling from the CN Tower

(85)

(Carib Journal)

Scientists discover buttcrack of the planet in Atlantic, much to the surprise of Oklahoma residents

The 50 most important people on the Web -- includes some guy named Drew Curtis

(188)

Government: “Single parents on welfare benefit need to STFU and GBTW”

(338)

(Edmonton Sun)

Canadian warship uses profits from duty-free tobacco to subsidize their beer. In other news, the Canadians have a warship

(75)

(Some Freezing Guy)

D-d-duel f-f-for c-c-coldest p-p-place in the U.S. Suddenly, Florida doesn't seem that bad

Dunkin’ Donuts may be smaller than Starbucks, but it's still the choice of loyal customers, cops

Bus driver peeps in woman's apartment, meets golf driver

(Thanh Nien)

Teacher accused of using Photoshop for 1) fun, 2) sexual conquest and 3) profit

In a first for the Supreme Court and NPR, Justice Stephen Breyer to be a guest on radio quiz show

U.S. Airways "new" computer system just did what most "new" computer systems do

Childhood obesity leads to premature puberty. Boobies tag asplodes

Fifty-nine secrets of the British government. Why 59? It's a secret

(KKTV Colorado)

Church sex scandal results in many getting laid, losing their jobs

(46)

Photoshop these gravity-defying Indians