Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-02-11 23:59:59'

Photoshop this cellar door

(57)

Some careers just shouldn't mix, like highschool teacher and erotic vampire website creator. Especially when the author-teacher scores high on the milf-meter [w/pic]

(85)

Take a look at the hideous new $1 coins

(197)

Small town's official calendar accidentally lists multiple May 28ths. Bill Murray sighs, says "Aw jeez, not this shiat again"

Sales of Beretta CX4 Storm 9mm carbine triple after being used by Dawson College shooter to kill 1, wound 11. Bonus: Check out the article's sponsored links

(118)

(Venice Florida!)

City manager gives all city employees a $50 bar tab credit -- that'll make 'em rock non-stop tonight, uh huh, at the Government Center

(21)

Cool stop motion video done with a lite brite. Boston surrenders

(60)

(Metro.co.uk)

Park wardens in Bulgaria in trouble after they use a Russian diplomat's dog for target practice, desperately hoping Hallmark has a card for that

(WTNH)

Newt complains to school library about book of spells her son brought home, admits she got better

(81)

(24dash)

"Cannabis more stronger now 'than in the 70s'"

(136)

Pot grower caught with 660 plants has sentence reduced from an outrageous 90 days in jail to just weekends. Where's your war on drugs now?

(137)

So I'm in the car with my dad and he starts singing along to "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." What embarrassing things have happened to you recently?

(275)

(Daily Herald)

Chicago-area bagel shack offers $16 Valentine's Day tablecloth special for you and that special someone

(44)

(Some Star Wars Geeks)

Serious nerddom: The Wookieepedia

(85)

50% of women don't stop drinking when they get pregnant. No word on how many were drinking *when* they got pregnant

(134)

Church in small Welsh town met in pub during church refurbishment. Farkers line up for sacramental beer

(22)

(Daily Herald)

Reporter discovers 'astroturfing,' rushes to Romero-phone. With infographic goodness

Georgia 8-year-old ready to set Guinness World Record for jump roping - while on a pogo stick

(20)

Photoshop this yellow art thingee

(62)

News: Feds require proof of citizenship to get medicaid. Nice: Step will save Colorado $300,000. Fark: Rule will cost $2.9 million to implement

(112)

Tile Puzzle - swapping symbols, tetris style (may be nsfw ads)

(38)

(theninja)

Faster than a Porsche, hybrid, and going to cost about $35,000: meet the Toyota FT-HS

(125)

After not being invited, attorney writes a letter of complaint about a Judge-led bible study being held in the city courtroom

(281)

Unaware of New Orleans, celebrities like Chris Rock go in droves to Kenya to see how ravaged poor black communities look like

(136)

Teacher scares students by telling them an asteroid is about to collide with the Earth

(93)

UK pharmacy to offer Viagra over the counter for Valentine's Day. Your girlfriend wants some

(60)

Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit stations throughout the city. The only problem is, nobody's watching them

(70)

Truck turns over easy on VA hiway: 165,000 eggs scrambled in runny accident. Driver whips away before police are omelet scene. Cops fry to find driver, but that doesn't pan out. No yolk

Millie and the lost sword

(47)

In 1517, the face of Christianity was forever changed when Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to the door of the church in Wittenberg. It's happening again, 5 centuries later, and all it took this time was two guys kissing

(606)

How live action role playing (LARP) works, or alternately, how not to get a date, EVER

(380)

(RGI.com)

Girl Scouts call a townhall meeting to discuss methamphetamine addiction amongst the girls

(47)

Photoshop this ecstatic goal scorer

(63)

(Some Bread study)

Dogs fed stone-ground bread "lived" forever

(105)

Second-grade student charged with bringing crack cocaine to class and not sharing

(24)

(NBC5)

"Smoky J. sells meth. Smoky's source says he has to sell a G's worth by the end of the month. If Smoky sold $240 the first week and $532 the second week, how much money must Smoky make if he wants to avoid getting a beatdown?"

(74)

“Breast augmentation is cosmetic but these cells have the potential to treat diseases ranging from cancer to Alzheimer's”

(85)

Woman has diamond ring made from the ashes of her pets

(35)

6000 couples set world record for simultaneous kissing, sharing STDs, at 'Lovapalooza'

(21)

Teenage Ohio girls post fake snow day announcement on their school's website, catch hail from the principal

(59)

Fifty men who understand women - which is about fifty more than most women think there are

(67)

Darwin's Origin of Species once had a preface, but the Origin of Alzheimers intervened

(51)

Teacher admits snorting cocaine in front of her class (w/pic). Don't they have a break room for that?

The elderly have a "rosier view" of the world. Display carefree attitude toward what little future they have left

(31)

Ten ways to prepare for a post-oil society. The eleventh is get a clue, moran

(288)

Valentine's old and busted: Flowers and candy. New hotness: personalized romance novel... Wait, what?

(39)

Courts given the power to cut off utilities to illegal brothels. Yeah, make them have their sex for money in the dark... that'll stop 'em

(47)

Photoshop this cat rescue

Incarcerating pot smokers costs taxpayers $1 billion annually. Put that in your pipe and smoke it

(369)

Princeton ESP lab to close. How did they not see that coming?

(80)

Al Qaeda plans to attack France. France surrenders

(213)

Sat February 10, 2007:

SUBMIT A LINK

# of Comments

(Some Gamer)

Best 2-D sidescrolling multiplayer game ever. DIT

(100)

Hitmen with incomprehensible knowledge of English asking you for $80,000 to call off the hit via e-mail may not be for real

(67)

Awesome Lego Car Production Line (Now with working linky goodness - Admin)

Scientists say that cosmic rays play more of a role in global warming than all human activity combined. Now there's an inconvenient truth

(485)

Prison cats on the decline. Bubbles unavailable for comment

(117)

Man installs zinc-coated lead sheets in his house to fight wireless piggybacking neighbors

(160)

(Knuttz)

Gallery of cool police cars you don't wanna see in your rear-view mirror

(151)

Caption this wedding hor'deurves surprise

Pregnancy counselors ask students to chew same piece of gum to illustrate how easy it is to get an STD

(119)

Note: If a hyena is so hungry that it's eating your couch, it might be a bad time to go over and annoy it

(53)

Iraqi bomb squad techniques for determining if something is a bomb: kicking it, throwing it across the road

(60)

The saddest and most heroic wedding photo you may ever see

(867)

(News Gazette)

Would-be bank robber leaves empty-handed after bank staff don't believe that he's really got a bomb

(24)

Photoshop this bird on an icicle

(63)

Now you can serve your jail term five minutes at a time

"Victor Manuel Lozano spends his days like most 2-year olds. He goes to nursery school, draws, rides a tricycle. The difference is, he does it in prison"

(83)

Reminder: Kansas City Fark party tonight, 9PM. Dave and Busters at The Legends. LGN

(45)

"Whaleman" who visited schools to teach kids about whales busted for child porn and marijuana possession. Says the pot is only for medical porpoises, all those pictures of blowholes on his computer are just a fluke

(61)

Nearly 60% of attendees at a conference on information security caught using devices that aren't secure. The vortex caused by implosion of geekheads could be responsible for global weather changes

(48)

Men in car full of graffiti-spraying equipment, covered in paint matching new graffiti in locations found in the car's GPS tracking system, say they aren't in Boston for the graffiti convention, they just flew in for dinner

(52)

Ugly-ass baby bulldog saves family from fire, earns his steak (w/pic)

(46)

People working at UK Health & Safety Executive among most injured employees in country, including one injury from walking into a warning sign

(33)

Mother of the year charged with child neglect after having intercourse with her boyfriend in front of the nine-year old daughter in order to teach the girl about sex

(371)

Connecticut Fark Party TONIGHT at 7pm. LGT location in Cheshire

(19)

(Post Star)

Woman arrested in paper shredder fight. Cops still trying to piece together the evidence

(18)

Bird-flu outbreak in Britain found to have no effect on supermarket poultry sales. To ensure virus is dead, health authorities continue to urge consumers to dip raw chicken in sugar and deep fry it, just like everything else they eat

(46)

Five-hour home invasion robbery at billionaire's house nets a whopping $43

(32)

(heraldonline.com)

For Sale: Batmobile. In great condition. Please flag down Batman cruising streets in Fort Lauderdale for details

(55)

Kentucky man stockpiling stolen Victoria's Secret lingerie gets fingered by girlfriend

(22)

A Beginner's Guide to a Life of Crime: If you're going to break into someone's house and steal their XBox 360, don't call Microsoft to complain that the previous owners had already registered it

(31)

(Some Crane)

Some of the most amazing origami you'll see today. With pics that have to be seen to be believed

(53)

(Some TFette)

Man donates several million non-existent dollars to charities and local organizations. But it's the thought that counts, right?

(27)

Wikimedia chairwoman claims that Wikipedia may close in 3-4 months due to money problems

(166)

(WFSB)

Problem: Most students failing freshman gym. Solution: Cut freshman gym requirement, because trying is the first step in failing

(156)

Families refuse to buy new home built by Habitat for Humanity because it's in a bad neighborhood

(48)

Bomb squad mobilized to remove beer can from porch

(49)

Australia overrun with kittens. Quick Robin, to the Batpole!

(94)

This Sunday, millions of Christians will open up the good book, "The Origin of Species." Wait, what?

(591)

"Master of Suspension" now teaching students from all over how to hang a living human body from steel fish hooks (warning: some pics are rather graphic)

(96)

(14WFIE)

The Newswatch 14 team would like you to know that the snow in New York is now officially deep enough to bury a basketball player. You know, in case you had a basketball player that you were looking to bury

(42)

(BayNews9)

Always invite neighbors to your Super Bowl party so they won't be offended, perhaps showing up with gun instead of snacks and beer

(14)

Obama declares his clean-cut, articulate candidacy

(601)

Woman sells old painting in her attic because she was almost Baroque, is pleasantly surprised when the auction really gets Gaugin. Final sale price: $600,000. That's a lot of Monet

(65)

Man who jumped into SF bay to save couple from submerged car in 2001 in critical condition after saving friend's dog from house fire

(70)

Researchers planning a trip to Mars' moon Phobos to bring back samples. Here comes the Cyberdemon

(55)

(MaineToday.com)

Two boys talking about a gun website in the bathroom shuts down a school the next day, even though the teachers knew there was no problem

(117)

Cocky man fined for building a 4ft wang out of snow. With pic maybe Not safe for work

(75)

Photoshop this hardworking farmer and his long-necked friend

(54)

Dentistry for the poor, or "the miserable state of dental care for our working p". Difficulty: Canada, not Britain (with pic badness)

(133)

"Stephen suffers from a terrible fear which has left him virtually housebound for years. He is thought to be the only person in Britain with a phobia of grannies. The sight of one is enough to make him hyperventilate and even collapse"

(80)

Two brews in one: coffee beer. Because the world needs more wide awake drunks

(71)

Students' parents pay 25k a year to let their kids party in blackface, Klan outfits

(218)

British Airways to tack on a $470 charge for taking more than one bag on long flights. Throw in your soul and the luggage might even go to the same place you are

(53)

(ABC 7)

Fark's favorite reporter examines Valentine's Day chocolates. It's a Romero and Juliet kind of thing

(48)

British nanny state plumbs new depths of inanity as kids told they can no longer play tag in playgrounds and in fact, can only touch one another if administering first aid after an accident

Queensland Rail workshop bans men's mags from workplace. Story contains rare Godwin In Article: "Hitler tried to ban any literature he didn't like, and now the poor rail workers are suffering in a similar way"

(Gannett)

Driver spills 40 tons of cow intestines on interstate while adjusting MP3 player. Now that takes guts

(32)

San Francisco man complains he was racially profiled by the cabbie who locked him in the car and drove him to jail

(29)

Dad wasn't dad after all, but still owes child support - the high court says it's his fault for trusting his wife

(360)

History's ten greatest banquets in chronological order. What do you know, the last one on the list is tonight

(44)

Elite British troops in Afghanistan smothering themselves in gravy to nab Taliban insurgents. Really

(36)

Grocery store shopping cart handles have more germs than public restrooms, Paris Hilton

(45)

Convicted rapist sues government, claiming his human rights were violated because he didn't get early release from prison where cellmates continue to enjoy early release in him

(76)

25 most expensive cities for a first date. As if Evansville, Indiana needs anything else to worry about

(69)

(ZOMG!)

Photoshop this mad scientist and his giant rabbit overlord

(83)

Fiberboard may soon be made of manure instead of sawdust. No word yet on McDonald's hamburgers

(42)

Texas bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson, claims the religious broadcaster walked into court for a legal proceeding and told him, "I am going to kill you and your family''

(140)

Okay, so maybe we mixed up the instructions for lethal injection and the electric chair

(80)

"Every school in Vancouver, and I would say in the province, is struggling with a significant number of kids coming to school stoned"

(105)

Fri February 09, 2007:

SUBMIT A LINK

# of Comments

IHOP will be giving away free pancakes on Feb. 20th. Yes, the "all we ask is that you consider making a donation" is a catch, but hey, FREE PANCAKES

(84)

(Some Birdbrain)

Would you let a hummingbird live in your hair/beard if it was trained and well-behaved?

(311)

Breaking the myth of megapixels (or: Just how little people understand about digital photography)

(160)

(Tech Digest)

The real problem with Linux, expressed in a single picture

(339)

Famous British actor Ian Richardson has passed away. Ian Richardson? Shakespearean actor, famous for House of Cards? Anybody? Okay fine, it's the guy from the Grey Poupon commercials

(93)

(NBC4)

73 Year old woman faces up to one year in PMITA prison for running a $50 football pool

(89)

Prostitutes recruited to get high so police can learn how people on drugs behave

(59)

(Lawrence Eagle-Tribune)

Officers setup "unofficial" police department webpage on MySpace, featuring pics of scantily clad women. I'm sure no one else will notice

(42)

If you're in the middle of faking your own kidnapping, walking into a police station to take care of another matter probably isn't the best of ideas

(17)

(Greeneville, NC)

Packing ex-wife's car with memorabilia of your life together and her dog, then setting it on fire, is not cool, even though it was a Chihuahua

(109)

Health guru Father of the Year (who drinks his own urine) has infant son taken away after he made an ankle brace out of chopsticks instead of, you know, going to the doctor

(95)

Miller issues challenge to Budweiser: If Bud's Nextel Cup car beats Miller's car, Miller will give Budweiser the naming rights to Milwaukee's Miller Park

(72)

Teenager hired on trial basis at car wash steals customer's BMW, leads police on high-speed chase; ever-observant police announce that trial employment "didn't go so well"

(CT Post)

Not news: Man unhappy with how his call is being routed. News: Man tells next operator that someone should blow up their building. Fark: Apparently, he forgot that he had already given them his name, address, and Social Security number

(61)

Not news: Man has bacon, eggs, sausage and beans. News: Man has image of bacon, eggs, sausage and beans tattooed across the top of his bald head. (With piccy goodness)

Harvard set to make feminist history by naming some broad as its president for first time

(83)

(The Office Hottie)

Rashida Jones from "The Office" reads Fark at work. "I like Fark.com, because you also have to pick something that if, by chance, the camera picks up the screen it's not, like, ALL PINK"

(192)

(newsnet5.com)

Even though you think Best Buy technicians are glorified chair warmers, they will still find child pornography on your computer if you bring it in for repair

(187)

(cfnews13.com)

Man rescued in river after his dog dumped him overboard. Your dog knows that these sort of accidents can happen, y'know, unless he gets steak

(15)

Following lead of NY cabbie who returned 31 diamonds on Monday, Seattle cabbie gives up $6000 on Thursday. Trifecta now in play

(32)

Mother-of-the-year candidate in Sheboygan leaves her two kids in the car in subzero cold so she could go to a tanning salon. “She said she was going on vacation and apparently felt that the tanning was a priority,” police say

(94)

IAEA cuts half of the technical assistance it was providing to Iran's nuclear program. In other news, the IAEA is providing technical assistance to Iran's nuclear program

All teenagers will now be sex offenders because they see themselves naked

(232)

US Airways CEO nailed for DUI. Police send him to one jail cell, his clothes to another

(44)

Kodak to lay off 3000 people. Now stand close together and say "government cheese"

(84)

Photoshop Leo Laporte

High school students write derogatory and profane comments about state senator on Facebook. Senator shows up at high school assembly, names students and returns the favor

(324)

No illegal drugs found in Anna Nicole's system - still no word about Vodka and Red Bull

(131)

Privatized health care at its finest: homeless parapalegic man dumped by a hospital on the side of the street wearing nothing but a soiled gown

(193)

(Aurora Sentinel)

College to put Abe Lincoln on "mock trial" for racism. Upcoming lectures include "Thomas Jefferson: Visionary or Sadist?" and "The Tyranny of Helen Keller"

(173)

Im in ur kids homework, killin ur language

(169)

(Some Drunkard)

Shadowy Belgian cartel fined for price fixing on beer. You bastards!

(24)

Boy critically injured when he's run over by childcare van. Twice

(81)

Another victim in Boston cartoon "terror" campaign: head of Cartoon Network

(304)

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband now claims to be the father of Anna Nicole's child

(196)

Dutch journalist asks a court to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast

(95)

Man wants to build distillery in Nebraska. "It will bring another source of recognition and pride to our state," he says, which is the same thing they said about Lawrence Phillips

Judge orders Anna Nicole's body to be "preserved" for a paternity hearing. This is easy to do, because silicone doesn't decompose

(210)

(RollingStone.com)

Five tips for bidding on celebrity memorabilia auctions. Tip No. 1: If it’s tasteful, it’s probably not really Elton John’s

(23)

(Lowell Sun)

Survey says you don't need to get high school girls drunk any more, they'll have sex with you sober

(258)

(Buffalo News)

City threatening to shut down Club Serenity due to ongoing violence

(45)

Study finds that fans of women's golf drink the most wine. They find it goes well with the fish

(64)

When released from jail, do you take the free ride home, or do you instead run off, break into a stranger's house, hit him in the head with a board, and then set his trash can on fire for no particular reason?

(54)

Guns -- supposedly destroyed in Australia's much-acclaimed gun buy-back program -- showing up at robberies. Oops

(166)

FarkTV: The true story of Fark's favorite diaper-wearing astro-nut from the news this week

(59)

(charleston daily mail)

Mom of the Year candidate blows a .369 BAC after crashing with daughter in the car, on the way to what was probably going to be a really entertaining Girl Scout meeting

(75)

Fark.com accused of not treating the death of Anna Nicole Smith with the dignity and quiet respect that is the hallmark of this site (link fixed)

(804)

As it turns out, all the jokes about Ferrari owners are true. (View seller's Nov. 30, 2006 transaction)

(190)

New Orleans faces harsh truth: Alarming number of residents are leaving after "recovery" turns out to be almost nonexistent

(196)

India's first-time fliers causing major disturbances. Pilots apparently sick of people standing outside the cockpit door yelling at them to restart while pressing F8