Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-02-04 23:59:59'

# of Comments

(NewVoyageNews)

Do you want to join the 62-mile-high club?

(WZZM13)

Biplane crashes in California. Onion in pilot's belt reportedly unharmed

(17)

(Some Iraqi)

Bush said yesterday that Iraqi forces "are beginning to show me something." Photoshop what they are showing him

(Stars and Stripes)

U.S. air base introduces speed dating to Japan so it's always "short time" for GIs now

(Animal Planet)

Bulldog wins Puppy Bowl III, Suck it Labs

Rex Grossman's heroic performance leads Bears to victory in Super Bowl XLI. Just kidding, he throws 2 interceptions, Colts win 29-17

(503)

Official Super Bowl XLI discussion thread - Part Deux

(2330)

(KCCI)

Today's "would-be robber foiled by a patch of ice" is brought to you by Pleasant Hill, Iowa

(23)

Future Mom of the Year gives birth on casino floor

(187)

Worker crushed to death after fall into machine at Ford's engine stamping plant. Since that last round of layoffs, Ford employees have really been throwing themselves into their work

Nurse names 20 doctors as possible dads - when did she have time to change bedpans?

(117)

(Bear Down)

Official Super Bowl XLI discussion thread

(1840)

Prisoner found with a BAL of 0.33 after getting drunk on Purell hand sanitizer. Researcher feels it's time to warn people on "widespread" sanitizer abuse

Horry County police officer resigns after being charged with soliciting whores

(33)

"Miracle crane" apparently survives Florida storms

Worshippers gather to thank God for mercifully demolishing church with his noodly tornado

(130)

British schools give up on Britain, start offering classes in Mandarin to students who hope to eventually work some day

(red&black)

College student thinks that a Waffle House on campus would be a good idea

(88)

US soldier to go on trial Monday for refusing to go to Iraq, wants to stay stateside to protect the US from Mooninites

(464)

Kids as young as 13 having gastric bypass surgery, even though little is known of its long-term effects on children. Because, obviously, you can't just tell your kid to put down that sammich and exercise

(115)

A Fark tradition: Photoshop the new Miss America

If you're the person who found a harddrive with personal records of 48,000 veterans, the FBI would like a word with you

(iht.com)

What will happen to all those Chicago Super Bowl champion T-shirts after the Bears lose today

(134)

(BayNews9)

Helicopter parents now able to look up children's driving records online. So stay in the basement where it's safe

(91)

The Orlando park service would like to remind you: Please do not feed the homeless

(84)

“Popular among evangelical Christians in the teen abstinence movement are ‘purity balls,’ elaborate parties that young women and girls attend, gowns and all, with their dads.“ It’s like a car show, but for hymens

(406)

Teacher gets suspended after putting tape over the mouth of a fourth-grade student who wouldn't quit talking

(132)

Mexican man can guzzle down dozens of Mexico's spiciest chilies, rub them on his skin and even squeeze their juice into his eyes without so much as blinking (pic)

(90)

Putin's official plane has silk-lined walls, gold-plated toilets and marble floors (pic)

Caption Al Franken on his book tour

(129)

NFL plants trees to offset Super Bowl emissions so feel free to take seconds on the chili-cheese onion rings

"Thanks to a limited-time offer from the state of Kentucky, you -- yes, you -- could have your very own bridge."

Photoshop this old analog telephone

Giant earthquake to hit B.C. during the next week, according to experts. EVERYBODY PANIC, EH?

(133)

18 years later, and the Exxon Valdez is still leaking oil into Alaskan waters

(MaineToday.com)

Maine college offers Belly Dancing 101. Classes awwady filling fast

(106)

Forty-five nations form a new environmental body to slow inevitable global warming and protect the planet. If you guessed the US was not one of the nations, you get a shiny new dime

(569)

If you buried $19 million under a house in Cali, the Colombia police would like a word with you

Nude Olympics are a go, although the sack race is expected to flop

(63)

How to tell if a girl likes you, as written by a man who has never touched a girl in his life

(250)

(kxmb)

The More You Know: The Boy Scouts have a badge for sleeping in subzero temperatures

Want to impress a girl? Don't send her the severed head of a kitten with a note reading "I love you. Ben." Or you can be like this guy. Your call

(128)

Today's sword wielding maniac brought to you by Halifax, NS, Canada. There can be only one. w/video goodness

The British have deployed 15 children to fight in Iraq. The volunteer army system will continue, but they will be accepting all ages

(112)

Paraffin pig running loose inside trans-Alaska pipeline. Stainless Steel Rat unavailable for comment

If you suspect that your girlfriend is chatting with other guys on her cell phone, do you (a) press *69, (b) check the log on her cell phone bill, (c) shove the cell phone down her throat?

Photoshop these two young ladies

Nanotechnology food???

Sat February 03, 2007:

# of Comments

Colorado lawmakers very upset about not getting free stuff anymore

Public community forums are for everyone, even the batshiat crazy

(145)

(Op Ed News)

Use your magical Tai Chi powers to stop an attack on Iran

Some people think that when you receive money from a leftist organization to make a documentary, you are pure, but if you take money from a corporation, then you are the debil

(192)

Thousands of schools and universities spammed with copies of anti-evolution textbook which states "Darwinism is the true source of terrorism". It's even weirder than you think

(347)

Man loses 114 pounds drinking beer

(111)

When the FBI accuses you of terrorism for stockpiling weapons, saying you were only going to sell them to gangs probably won't help much

Thursday's wreck marked Sheriff Deputy Burger's fifth on-duty crash in the last five years. Burger's other crashes ranged from minor bumps with no damage to the fatal wreck in May

Welcome to an island where women choose who to marry, and men cannot refuse

(121)

Canadian Commies mass on our northern border. All 65 of them

(67)

All 18 endangered young whooping cranes that were led south from Wisconsin last fall were killed in Florida storms. Darwinism applies not just to humans in Florida

(NBC San Diego)

Strip club under investigation due to strippers performing sex acts on customers for money. In other news, you found out about this way too late

The 10 best Super Bowl ads of all time

Study looks at predicted climate changes in 22nd century Texas -- concludes it will get messed with

(57)

"Nobody tells this Wookiee what to do"

(Some Suit)

The Top 10 Big Brother companies

Bill Gates claims that Macs are easy to hack and Windows is impenetrable

(318)

How to unlock a car door with a tennis ball

(188)

Fixing your hideous teeth does not improve your self-esteem claim scientists, Britons

Photoshop this hot piece of metal

Spiffy: Tired of denying marriage licenses to gay couples, clerk starts issuing "Certificates of Inequality" at her own expense. Strange: "We don't just enforce laws, we're policy makers."

(145)

Woman refuses to move to the back of the bus, Supreme Court to review segregated bus policy

(172)

Professionals in NYC panicked they may be seen on Internet sex extortion videos

Suicide bomber kills 121 in Baghdad

(646)

Ugly-ass baby Spectacled Owl born at Birmingham Zoo. (pic)

(79)

(northjersey.com)

Arcades going extinct. Submitter reminisces about how he used to play Battlezone with TWO onions tied to his belt

(317)

Teacher, trying to do something about district's sanitized version of slavery, shows kids the movie " Amistad" which gets her darn near shackled and shipped off

(220)

List of celebrities who are godless heathens

(468)

Church vows to defy NFL ban on showing Superbowl, another Waco brewing?

(136)

Fark.ru: Ice mass breaks from Russian shore, drifts to sea with family and 400 fishing buddies - anglers dramatically rescued, treated. Флорида: For "heavy alcoholic intoxication"

(29)

Get Out v2.0 - quirky escape the room game

(103)

(Engadget)

Don't like to swallow pills? Or smoke them? ...Now you can get a tooth implant that dispenses drugs automatically

Remember that e-mail urging you to boycott gasoline made from oil produced by terrorist sponsors? This gas station is actually doing it. You submitted this with a fungible headline

(78)

Photoshop this bird handler

(54)

(Comos Magazine)

Jackson Pollock paintings deemed fakes by experts, though nobody's sure how they can tell

(268)

Outbreak of bird flu in Suffolk, England confirmed as H5N1. EVERYBODY *cough* *cough* PANIC

(Seacoast Online.com)

Wily coyote washes up at Portsmouth Naval Shipyard with nothing on him but a tiny umbrella and a receipt from Acme

100 killed in Congo clashes. I guess this might not be the most appropriate time to sing "Everybody was Congo fighting"

UK government minister has suggested people "distract" potential criminals while waiting for police to intervene, and jumping up and down might do it

One in every five home buyers in Britain is now a Polish immigrant

The 2nd Shark /Australian taste test confirms result of previous round : Aussies taste lousy

(19)

Man caught in the Prince of Wales estate at 4am carrying a pitchfork was only delivering leaflets advertising his gardening business and the pitchfork was to help him keep his balance

(23)

Bush to seek an additional $100 billion for the war. Yes, with a B

(416)

Joey Chestnut wins his 2nd consecutive Wing Bowl. Grand Prize includes 10 pounds of anatacids

Some meth addicts are drinking the meth-tainted urine of other addicts to get high. It's the ciiiiiiiircle of life

Family faces eviction over pet parrot that screams “Show us your knickers” at passing neighbors

(26)

Today's "Idiot teen who shows off his stolen loot on Myspace" brought to you by Eagle River, Alaska. Bonus: The loot included a processional cross he stole from a church

(59)

How thin is the government case against Scooter? Two of the charges are based on the following from a reporters notes, "had somethine and about the wilson thing and not sure if it’s ever"

(112)

(Whedonesque)

Joss Whedon no longer attached to direct 'Wonder Woman'. "It's pretty complicated, so bear with me." He wrote on his blog. "I had a take on the film that, well, nobody liked. Hey, not that complicated."

Motherfarking court in Detroit Farking Michigan farking says that you can say all the schiat you want at a farking political meeting, and no schiatheaded son of a biatch cop can farking arrest you

The coolest photo of a volcano you will see today

Don't like to swallow pills?.....Now you can "smoke" them

(Bacony Goodness)

Photoshop theme: Everything is better with bacon

(105)

Indian Consulate dumps boxes marked "Visa Applications" and filled with sensitive documents at recycling center. Investigators told to call 24 hour tech support for answers. Wait time is currently under 24 minutes

Elite group of Native American trackers that use skills handed down from the ancestral hunting of undocumented white Europeans is being tapped to play a larger role in securing U.S. borders

Meet the fittest milkman in the world. Your wife probably knows him

Economist proves it's better to leave the seat up

(57)

The president of Gambia can cure AIDS on Mondays and Thursdays and asthma on Fridays and Saturdays

(42)

Study: cute endangered species get more attention than ugly ones

The Yale Rule states that within five minutes of seeing people boinking in the showers, you will inform everyone by campus-wide email

Deaf woman heard tornado before home destroyed (with video)

(19)

Viacom to Youtube: "We'd like you to remove 100,000 videos from your site." Youtube: "Die in a fire"

It's not a real wise idea to print out your pr0n at the public library. Especially if you're a registered sex offender

(26)

Canadian actors go on strike, but in typically polite Canadian fashion, continue to show up for work

(Baby Rock Records)

Lullaby renditions of rock bands

(American Thinker)

U.S. Federal Agent veteran: It is only a relatively short time before the U.S. will begin seeing suicide terrorist missions

(249)

(Adweek)

Pepsi adopts "More happy" as its new slogan. Coincidentally, creatives at Pepsi's ad agency have just recently adopted the slogan "More weed"

(45)

Texas law would fine parents $500 for missing parent-teacher conferences, because you can force people to care

Driving instructor teaches students the important skills: like merging into highway traffic, parallel parking and driving with one eye closed when you're wasted

(WTOV)

Man, 89, arrested for driving around naked with over 100 photos of himself naked. Bonus: Third offense for driving naked. Doublebonus: Pic goodness (SFW)

Fri February 02, 2007:

# of Comments

Green tea KitKats. Where is that Japan tag when you need it?

(102)

Texas governor orders all schoolgirls vaccinated against cooter warts. YA RLY

(556)

(Some TFette)

In your opinion, what would be the ideal way for government and religion to exist and function in society?

(475)

(Raw Story)

Walmart pays itself rent to lower its taxes. Trump seen taking notes

(Bloomberg)

The U.S. will embrace, extend, and extinguish China's economy. Microsoft wishes it could be so devious on a massive scale

Dems "working to clean up the financial mess left by Republicans," according to this editorial--I mean, news item. In related news, there is no such thing as liberal media bias

(270)

Seattle man leads police on a chase, shoots himself in the head, crashes the car which in turn creates a ball of fire with him in it. Somehow, he survives. Police speculate he may have been under the influence

Photoshop this flow chart

(58)

Value of Super Bowl tickets dropping faster than Rex Grossman's QB rating

(115)

(BoingBoing)

WCVB-TV Boston censors go beyond the call of duty to protect us by photoshopping a picture of the Mooninite

(213)

MP3-downloading teen sues the recording industry for anti-trust violations, extortion, fraud and more, but probably can't pronounce half the legal terms without the help of his Baby Einstein books

If you set up a fake sobriety checkpoint along the highway a couple weeks ago, the real police in Round Rock, TX would like a word with you. (With moustached cop-impersonator sketchiness)

(95)

Would-be burglar in clown costume escapes down four-storey scaffolding of fancy condo; police seek suspect with bulbous nose, red, blue and orange hair and size 18 feet

Fifteen Cubans migrate to Capt. James R. Brown's (Navy) beach-front house. This does not go the way you would think

(114)

Clemson students apologize for holding "gangsta" party, getting caught

(331)

(The State)

Not news: Idiot crashes his plane. News: It was the lieutenant governor of South Carolina. Fark: He forgot to disengage the parking brake

That guy who drove a stretch limo 150+ mph, blew his transmission, then drove backwards at 40 mph to evade state troopers? Turns out he had a suspended license. And yes, video is included

(120)

(Pine Bluff Commercial)

If you are going to go streaking through an IHOP, don't run outside on a snowy day while leaving your clothes inside

Old and played out: Mailbox baseball. New way to maintain sanity in the suburbs: "Fence plowing" (with painful idiot video)

(141)

Man tells Roman Catholic Church he wants an annulment because his wife is smoking

If you're asked to go to someone's home to take urine test for job, you might want to hit the classifieds again

(WGAL)

Study shows more than 18 million men suffer from erectile dysfunction, which begs the question -- can they really even be considered men?

(215)

(Dr. Chuck Norris)

"When your date picks you up in an ice-cream truck covered in skulls, you know that, unlike last year, it's going to be a VD you'll never forget"

FarkTV: Cracking The Groundhog Code. By Dave, the guy who did the Farkman cartoons way back when. Let's call this one Not Safe For Work, there's at least one cartoon boobie and lots of nads for some reason

(51)

Scientists plan to drop concrete balls into mouth of active volcano to stem mud flow. What could possibly go wrong? Concrete ball rain, that's what

(119)

Irish police have to haul off arrested shoplifter in farm trailer when he proves too fat to fit into police car

(IHT)

Dutch gym to introduce 'Naked Sunday' for naturists, hopefully followed by disinfecting Monday

Publisher hopes first "wikinovel" will avoid becoming "some sort of robotic zombie assassins against African ninjas in space narrated by a Papal Tiara type of thing."

(WHAS)

Coolest employer ever gives all 630 workers the day after the superbowl off with pay... and beer

(WISN-TV)

Did serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer kill John Walsh's son, Adam? New evidence says "yes."

(299)

Photoshop this sink faucet flow

Fabulously wealthy public school teachers look down their noses at us underpaid architects and economists then jet off to St. Tropez for the weekend

(406)

Ivy league law student fires Glock at apartment door of neighbors he suspected were terrorists. Still no word how he knew they were watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Turner Broadcasting Corp. to reimburse the city of Boston for its overreaction, to the tune of $1 million

(333)

Stacy's Pita chips are giving away a free box of chips to everyone in the US named Stacy. I got mine this morning

What happens when you combine the classic NES game "Kung-Fu" with modern rock band "Korn"? Nothing good, as you'll see in I-Mockery's rom hack review of "Korn-Fu"

It's a dead give away that something is wrong when you are spotted greeting people at your own memorial

(Mirror)

"No, I said I wanted a PERM"

W. Va. introduces bill that would allow deadly force to be used against law enforcement officer who enters home unannounced. What could possibly go wrong?

(326)

Redding, CA gets Bostowned

(198)

(packersnews.com)

Brett Favre announces plans for third straight year of retirement speculation

(202)

Followup: Governor Charlie Crist briefly emerges from his tanning chamber to declare state of emergency, as if it weren't perpetual

If you bring your dog to the vet for a problem with its tail, and the stumbling veterinarian just starts firing staples randomly into the animal while assuring you, "I'm paid lotsh of money to do thish," he may have a drug problem

Girl kicked out of preschool for 'extreme' pink hair

(359)

In the future, supertankers will ship water to parched areas, but are likely to be targeted by Ice Pirates

(168)

No longer satisfied with deer heads, eagles try to eat a paraglider

Army Corps of Engineers warns that 122 levees from Maryland to California are at risk of failing. What's the worst that could happen?

(155)

A hotelier who runs a gay-only hotel is upset that new laws mean that he will have to let in straight people

(187)

China's last bow and arrow maker struggles to keep 4,500-year-old craft alive. Buggy whip maker unavailable for comment

(36)

'Headcam'-wearing police see 85% rise in arrests for violence, 100% rise in mockery

(WGRZ)

Latest fad - tattooed tropical fish. w/ freaky pic

Elderly Minnesota farmer who chased down thief and held him for police now faces more charges than the crook. Let this be a lesson to you about the inadvisability of protecting your property, citizen

(294)

Woman goes on all-carrot diet for a month after arguing with roommates about whether eating carrots can turn your skin orange, finds out it can (w/ series of cheesiest pics of CarrotGirl you may ever see)

Attempted murder suspect burrows through ceiling cat's floor to apartment below in an effort to elude police (w/pic)

Bob Geldof to launch 'peace channel', which will eradicate world conflict the way Live Aid eliminated hunger in Africa

(195)

Overnight tornadoes kill 2 people, destroy hundreds of homes in Central Florida

(222)

(The Age)

Orange snow falls in Siberia. Submitter has comments neither on this nor the mysterious yellow snow found in neighbors yard. It's a damn mystery

(67)

Scientist reports that there's nothing inherent in Groundhog behaviour to prove what happens on February 2nd is any indication of an early end of winter. And in other news, grass may be green and the sky may be blue

Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early spring

(193)

Surfing the net has surpassed bingo, chasing kids off lawn as favorite pastime of the elderly

Photoshop this German Shepherd

(klas-tv.com)

Las Vegas man plays penny slot machine on a whim, wins $18,799,414

Giving a stripper some dead guy's severed hand is a unique but illegal token of affection

Court rules NYC cannot block young adults from buying spray paint. Submitter breathes sigh of relief, didn't want to be approached by minor in baggy jeans and wife beater outside local hardware store

(Sheboygan Press)

Sheboygan, Wisconsin residents can rest easy: The person breaking into tampon machines at the county courthouse has been caught

University of Manitoba is hosting the Great Northern Concrete Toboggan Race. Road-rashilarity most likely to ensue

(Brooklyn Paper)

Brooklyn columnist isn't happy with results of Miss America pageant. Suck it, Oklahoma

(160)

West Virginia to put "Dance Dance Revolution" in all its schools to combat weight problem. ↑ ↑ → ↔ ↕ ↕

(138)

Looks like the Maytag repair man finally has something to do: 201,540 dishwashers are being recalled because of the fire that could erupt in your kitchen

"Prison Break," for reals: 25 heavily armed guerrillas free 49 dangerous prisoners in Philippines

(28)

(Some Microcosmic God)

Scientists create nano-ecosystem in hopes of developing super-minicreatures, having utterly failed to read any Theodore R. Sturgeon

Today's "crying Baby Jesus statue" story brought to you by San Antonio, Texas

(66)

Britain wants to send planeload of convicts to Australia. Australia says, "Oh not this shiat again"

Caption this monkey

(113)

Do women really get better with age? (with pics... they're naked, but covering up)

(522)

(Radio NZ)

Guy brings a machete to a gun-shop robbery, goes about the way you expect it would

The world's most remote golf course in an Australian desert has grass for the first time after two years of heavy rains

Aussie man flees from police, gets bit on head by crocodile in aptly named city of Darwin

(BayNews9)

Police officer who towed homeless woman's shopping cart with cruiser busted for insubordination... for doing it again

Thu February 01, 2007:

# of Comments

Guiness record: World's longest arm hair. Your Italian grandmother is jealous

(59)

The coolest picture of a wave you will see all day

Photoshop these carefree runners

(80)

Snooty Detroit suburb, too upscale for a chicken-wing chain restaurant, ends up with a great pair of Hooters

(120)

Not that anyone couldn't see it coming, but that Hornbeck kid helped his kidnapper hide another victim

(190)

(WGAL)

New flu-warning system modeled after hurricane scale, meaning if there is a Category 5 outbreak, the flu would be more than 145 mph

"113 nations blame man for climate change." I say we find this man and try to talk some sense into him

(757)

Feline burglar stuck in doggie door attempting to steal food is reunited with owner...Dog still wants its farking kibbles and bits back. Also video goodness

(Iowa City Press-Citizen)

Mother who drowned her three children gets a whopping 10-year sentence because "she didn't mean for the children to die" when she rolled the car into a lake

(248)

(CNNSI)

Got a TV bigger than 55 inches? The NFL says it's against the law for you to watch the Super Bowl on it, sues church to get them to stop. Jesus is gonna be pissed

(458)

In a very strongly worded letter, UN chief tells Serbian war criminals to pretty please surrender so they can wrap up this war-crimes tribunal

(97)

Microsoft confirms VIsta can be pwn3d just by talking to it. Repeat after me: "Delete Star Dot Star"

(221)

New campus laundry machines email you when clothes are done; slaps you for leaving your wet underwear in the machine for six hours

(cultureshocks)

Drew will be talking to Barry Lynn today on WMET-AM 1160 in D.C. at 5:00 p.m. for the hour

(Some LED Throwie)

Footage of Grafitti Guerrillas building and installing the LED signs that caused freak chaos and panic in Boston on 01-31-07 set to crappy techno music

(292)

Today's "suitcase stuffed with 1,291 turtles, 131 tortoises, and 33 arapaima fish" story brought to you by Thailand. Again

NYC would like everyone (especially Boston) to know that they weren't afraid of the Mooninites

(369)

Ric Romero headline of the day: Iraqi deaths reach new high. Because they hit a new high everyday when someone dies

Man on lawnmower left Alaska in '05. He's only in Salt Lake City. He's 44. See you in Virginia at 84

(67)

Theme: Product advertisements from foreign companies aimed at Americans, based solely on their stereotypes of Americans

Sherriff who espoused extra jail time for crooked law officers will get to put that idea into action personally

Press conference from the two who were arrested for the bomb scare in Boston yesterday is comedy gold

(956)

(Comedy Central)

Joe Biden on "The Daily Show," fails to call Jon Stewart "articulate"

(143)

(Rocky Mountain News)

President Bush and Julia Roberts wondering where they will get their next round of fried cow balls

(54)

Shaq called 9-1-1 during his chase of hit-and-run teen; this is the transcript or, if you prefer, documented stupidilarity

(191)

Man accidentally discharges pistol, shoots round through two walls, across a courtyard, ricocheting off another wall, and into the chest of a guy in the bathroom. TA-DAAA

Fark: NJ family gets into a swordfight over the last cigarette. FarkTV: Megan in a skintight outfit, Stacey dressed as a schoolgirl, gratuitous cleavage, and a Kill Bill sendup (safe for work)

(80)

17th-century lead luggage tag, stamped "'Yames Towne' ", to travel onboard the Space Shuttle. But experts are unsure if being 400 years late and thousands of miles off course will be enough to set a new record for lost luggage

(37)

Russian prosecutors are investigating allegations that hospital staff in Yekaterinburg gagged babies because they did not want to hear them crying

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children eating expired food?

(88)

I scream, you scream, we all scream at the headless body of the ice-cream vendor on his bike

(144)

Al Gore nominated for Nobel prize for bringing to light the dangers of manbearpig

(319)

(Rutland Herald)

Teacher is paid $60,000 for drawing a mustache on sleeping student. Ponders how much they would have paid for hand in warm water

(Washington Post)

Today's "female teacher/male student sexual relationship" story brought to you by Maryland. If you also count group-home counselors, this kid scored a trifecta

(142)

(HumorFeed)

Results are in: "Gas of the Year" fills room, takes gold. No, not that gas, the other one. No, not that one either

Large steel columns from World Trade Center uncovered at Ground Zero. Still looking for missile parts and remains of F-16s that "really" brought down towers

(444)

Under new CEO Falco, AOL reported a 49 percent increase in ad revenue. "Rock Me Amadeus" cited as a factor

(WRAL)

Doe, a deer, a stag or a deer / Fark a long, long way to run. Hunter bags a hermaphrodite deer. Doe, stag, doe

Inquest into latest friendly fire deaths in Iraq hears how American pilots feared British tank column was actually insurgents. Because insurgents in Iraq use tank batallions

(125)

Every suburban teenager posts wanna-be gangster-style pics in their online profile, but according to Fox News, if you're the kidnapped kid Shawn Hornbeck, your wanna-be gangster pics are "chilling and sickening"

(195)

82-year-old man with cane lays beating on guy who was trying to set him on fire. "I'm pretty peeved about this," he explains (with mossback striking a ninja pose)

(courier journal)

Entire town of Paint Lick, Kentucky keeps holiday alive until soldier returns from Afghanistan. Merry Christmas, Spc Dale, and welcome home

Two arrested after ad campaign exceeds their wildest dreams

(697)

Milk does a body good. Beer just as good. How can we combine these two great drinks? Bilk. BRILLIANT

Woman in Mexico gives birth to a 14.5-pound baby nicknamed Super Tonio

Some soaps, shampoos cause boys' breasts to grow. Now they'll never leave the house

Noise-tolerant owl makes himself at home inside house attic, assists with owner’s rat problem. Ya Rly

(9News)

Chicken born with duck’s webbed feet. Your dog wants ChickDucken. (With pic)

(Metro.co.uk)

Happy ending to iguana penis saga, the backup works

Dolphin's toy mistaken for bomb causes panic at marine park. Security officials trying to determine if dolphins have sinister porpoise. Snorky sought for questioning

Woman charged after urging male companion to shoot guy who took her parking spot

Exxon Mobil ate more babies and raped more kittens last year than any U.S. company in history

(248)

(Spaceweather.com)

The coolest pic you'll see today: Comet McNaught and the Southern Lights

(WRAL)

Lawmakers want to deputize minimum-wage Wal-Mart photo-lab employees in the fight against child porn. What could possibly go wrong?

(181)

New report suggests a teacher in England is attacked every day. You'd think he'd have quit by now

(The Local)

Today's "11 swans being kept in an apartment" story brought to you by Stockholm, Sweden. Lords-a-leaping unavailable for comment

New owner of Hoover promises to make the household name in vacuum cleaners no longer blow, but actually suck

(16)

Richard Branson to launch Virgin Stem Cell Bank. You can't satirize this stuff because it's just too weird

(26)

Docs warn: Don't drink hand sanitizers

(NY Daily News)

Several of NY's Bravest are now known as NY's Dumbest after getting caught submitting fake diplomas for promotions

(20)

Former "maniac" confesses to B.C. robbery, being on floor, and dancing like he's never danced before

(32)

(The Moscow Times)

Russia's flagship airline Aeroflot holds fashion show to improve customer satisfaction

(US News)

Federation of American Scientists unsuccessfully tries to crack through the secrecy surrounding Dick Cheney's office

Photoshop this park nap

(66)

(Smartmoney.com)

How to talk your way out of a speeding ticket

(276)

U.S. lags far behind other wealthy countries in family-oriented workplace policies. Suck it, everyone

(374)

(Some screwhead)

The best winemakers are using screwtop bottles

(132)

Caption this scientific speaker

(90)

(Texas Observer)

In loving memory, Molly Ivins 1944-2007

(450)

At 1:30 EST today, a Pennsylvania convenience store will sell beer for the first time. Amish welcome them to 20th century

(102)

Man calls 911 12 times in five hours over a toothache. Jailarity ensues

New study shows male rats try to finish as quickly as possible, while female rats try to extend the encounter by "pacing," marriage

(29)

Survey finds one in three Brits drinks to beat stress and two out of three do it by lying to pollsters

(22)

GOP fears war could help Democrats for years. This of course implies that the war will still be going on for years, in which case the Dems will not have done what they were elected to do

(155)

(Bloomberg)

Pharmaceutical companies and Iraq war contractors, both heavy Republican contributors, are scrambling to hire lobbyists with Democratic ties as they prepare for congressional investigative hearings next week. Democracy for $ale

Twenty-two schoolchildren okay after the two taxis they were travelling in collided, apparently on their way to clown school

Popular insomnia pill may cause you to eat uncontrollably while asleep

Old and busted: Roses, Hallmark cards, fancy restaurants and lacy lingerie. New hotness: Emails, orchids, finger foods and boy shorts

Florida woman unimpressed with McDonald's unadvertised "Free Razor Blade With Every McMuffin" promotion. McDonald's urges people "not to jump to conclusions without having all the facts," but what the hell, lets

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 91: "Difficult Subjects." LGT next week's theme. Please read first post

(312)

High price of aluminum inspires thieves to steal guard rails. "Just when you thought you've seen it all" tag sadly won't fit on page

Ugly-ass baby lowland gorilla born at Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. (With pics)

(Some Mathematician)

The coolest vegetable you will photoshop this week

Apple's "1984" commercial named best ad in Super Bowl history. Suck it, haters

(195)

(The Student Operated Press)

121 jobs that don't suck

(187)

NORAD fighters to patrol Super Bowl XLI

(92)

Wed January 31, 2007:

# of Comments

(WKRG)

Roman legion re-enactors descend upon Alabama, spectators anxious to see their phalanx

(128)

(The Hill)

Capital hill police ordered to fall back so hippies could spray paint the capital steps with anti-war slogans. It just goes to show that the new congress is not the same as the old congress

(246)

Why take the risk? Have FedEx deliver your marijuana

(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)

Two state senators vow to stop attempts to let Pennsylvanians buy beer in supermarkets

(202)

Photoshop this guy scraping ice off the windshield

(58)

Flickr to require Yahoo usernames to scan people's photos of nude beaches and underage college chicks making out

(97)

Why spend the Super Bowl in Florida when you can hang out with this guy and his dog instead?

Today's "hot teacher farking a student" story brought to you by Muncy, Pennslyvania. Victim's mother alleges he faces "harassment" at school. Submitter thinks it's more like high-fives and free sodas

(139)

Orlando woman goes into hospital to give birth and comes out a quadruple amputee. Ta daa!

(208)

Pregnant woman in Kansas City, jailed for traffic citations, pleads with officers to examine her hemorrhaging. They ignore her. Everyone can predict what tragedy ensued. Trifecta in play? Let's hope not

(186)

NATO spokesman Gen. Richard Nugee says there will be no major Taliban offensive in Afghanistan this spring, then grabs reporter around the head and rubs his knuckles into reporter's hair

(Rocky Mountain News)

Denver is paying $1 million a week in snow removal costs. Aspen is paying $15 million a week bringing snow in

(WHDH)

Cat -- all 31 pounds of it -- needs a home. Hopefully one without stairs (with pic)

(168)

I-70 shut down due to burning mail truck. UPS seen turning green with envy because their ability to destroy packages has just been trumped

FarkTV: 20 random questions with man on the street. Meet one guy who thinks he can see through walls and another who'd hit a handsome tranny if they were Puerto Rican. Safe for work

The coolest pictures of an ice storm approaching Buffalo, NY you will see all day

(78)

Sheriff gives himself a $235 ticket and four points on his license for failing to stop for a flashing school bus

(132)

Xena the Warrior Princess has decided to pick up coyote hunting as a new hobby

(43)

Dude, you're gettin' a golden parachute. Dell CEO steps down, Michael Dell re-assumes lead role

Man, accused of torturing ex-girlfriend with a torch, says he was trying to warm her up during sex in a freezing house. "I didn't mean to burn her"

Serbia launches advertising campaign equating cigarette smoking with suicide bombing. Hilarity is sure to ensue

Funeral home director tries to cheer up bereaved relatives with his large collection of stuffed dead animals

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" viral-ad campaign responsible for Boston "bombs." EVERYBODY PANIC... no wait... EVERYBODY OUTRAGE

(897)

Brandy being sued for $50 million. Brandy. The star of "Moesha." 5-0 million

(220)

"President Bush" today criticized lavish CEO salaries and called for tying compensation to performance. Following the speech, he was arrested by Secret Service agents as "an obvious imposter"

(202)

Thirty-five car pileup on I-35 in Kansas City. No news on how many of them had Texas plates

(127)

Studies show the rich have better sex than average people. Obvious tag notes that sex is always better when it's with a $2000 an hour prostitute on top of a mound of blow

(117)

Man who chips tooth eating a cookie allowed to claim it as work-related accident

Mummified man found sitting upright in the position he died in six years ago. Suprisingly, this story did not occur at the DMV

(79)

Rooty tooty fresh and shooty

This Sunday, please stagger your flushing

Miami Cubans sad that they have to put their Castro death party plans on hold

(29)

Art expert thinks he's found DaVinci's "lost" masterpiece. Right on the wall where it was originally painted

US Air retracts its $10 billion bid to buy Delta

Not less than four packages of misplaced sprinkler parts have been found scattered around Boston this afternoon EVERYBODY PANIC

(277)

Cops again raid upscale Houston strip joint, arrest four fetching females. The Smoking Gun is there with the mug shots

(292)

Man who holds record for being jailed for contempt of court longer than any other journalist in America gets to extend his record as judge turns down his application for bail

(96)

Venezuelan Congress grants Chavez power to enact by decree. First order of business: Hunt down all those damned rebel Jedi

(169)

Senior citizen kills attacking pit bull with bare hands. Local children now cross the street to avoid his lawn

(360)

Breaking news: Federal Reserve doesn't do anything

Police apologize for hauling rape victim off to jail for two days

(218)

(Courier Post)

If US Airways can afford to pay $10 billion for Delta, why do they expect taxpayers to pay their $5-billion pension shortfall

Students use weed-killer to etch giant penis into school lawn, achieve epic coolness points when prank shows up on Google Earth (pic)

(117)

Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi's wife takes out ad in national newspapers demanding his apology for flirting with other women at a party

(WHDH)

Massachusetts pro wrestler urinates on Brazilian flag during local cable-access program, footage ends up on Brazilian version of "Inside Edition" (35 million worldwide viewers). MARLBOROUGH NUMBER ONE, BRAZIL HACK-POOIE

(106)

Man sues police to get his pot back

(144)

(mcall.com)

Senile man hits the jackpot at casino. "To be honest with you, I had no I idea how I was even playing the game"

Rockland, Ontario man, who clearly does not read Fark much, attempts to unfreeze pipes with a blowtorch. Hilarity ensues

Towns in Wales replace environmentally harmful salt on winter roads with sugar-based synthetic snow-melter. Unintended consequence: Hungry sheep replace ice as a driving hazard

EBay has banned the selling of virtual booty from World of Warcraft, other games

(143)

(Times Dispatch)

Judge smacks down pederast's request to get his hard drive of child porn back from the state

(229)

Report that priests do not always follow Catholic guidelines in the confessional has the Church angry -- at the report, of course

(160)

Askmen's Top 99 Women for 2007. Ranked by what you ask? Who knows? (probably safe for work)

(180)

Suspicionless searching of passengers has reduced terrorist attacks on Boston's subway system from zero to zero

Experts to discuss effects of 24-hour drinking, provided they can find someone else to update the Fark queue while they attend conference

Animal-rights group plans nude protest in downtown Nashville today. Protester will be "charred" and "cooked" on a grill while slathered with barbecue sauce, then hauled away by ambulance because it's 12 degrees outside

(322)

(Business Week)

Oil prices slip more then a $1.00 this morning as traders realize they raised it yesterday for no reason at all

(42)

Drew will be talking Fark with Chip Franklin on WBAL-AM 1090 in Baltimore at 11:00 a.m.

(CCNews)

Photoshop some crop circles

(news8austin)

Couple getting divorced in custody battle for frozen embroyos. When those things thaw, they sure are gonna need some therapy

America's problem: Junkies are using cold medicines like Sudafed as raw material to make meth. America's solution: Quietly dilute the products so they have so little pseudoephedrine, they are utterly useless as a cold remedy

(412)

(bolton)

Many thanks to all the farkers who donated a total of nearly $10,000 to Liz Kempe's Medical fund a while back. Sadly, she died Monday. Her family is very appreciative of all that was done

(111)

(Some TFette)

Police looking for spa thief. May be armed with beautiful cuticles, soft hands and extremely vibrant skin

(16)

(Some Illini)

The University of Illinois Girls of Engineering 2007 swimsuit calendar. Epidemic of dead, hardhat-wearing kittens soon to be discovered in Champaign-Urbana (SFW)

(196)

Georgia to get the dreaded "I" word tomorrow. Don't panic! It will be gone by noon

(162)

Attention-whore North Korea threatens another nuke test if the U.S. doesn't allow them to counterfeit U.S. money

A recent government audit has indicated there's a chance that the U.S. government might, possibly, if you look at it a certain way under a certain light with just the right goggles, be squandering money in Iraq

(84)

City declares open season on rampant deer. "I will sue the city for animal cruelty if I see a deer in my yard with an arrow in it" says one woman, who should probably wear hunter orange for the next 30 days

(157)

Coloradoans apparently not satisfied with the "make my day" law try to pass new law dubbed the "make my day better" law. Because sometimes, killing a home intruder just isn't enough

(150)

Osama Bin Ladin's brother-in-law killed by burglars in his home in Madagascar. Oh, the sweet sweet irony

(169)

Remember Homer's dream chair, the "Spinemelter 2000" massage chair? You can now buy one. Warning: It will actually melt your spine

Sending your teen to her room for hitting, kicking and lying is now punishable by 12.5 years in prison. If you have any problems with this, don't hesitate to speak out -- the state is more than happy to raise your children while you do time

(206)

(ScienceDaily)

Neighbors of Disney complain that fireworks from the park are noisy and cause pollution. Disney argues that they use the "cleaner" compressed air fireworks, and that they only shoot them 239 days a year

(The Local)

Crack Swedish troops pull machine guns and bayonets on three-year-old girl tobogganing near palace. Princess Madeleine unharmed

(dailytimes.com.pk)

A mirror older than Jesus Christ dropped and smashed on a Chinese TV show

(101)

Cheerios: Better for you than starvation... barely

Twin 10-year-old boys threw a tantrum after being expelled from a Canadian university. Despite having no high school diplomas, they've completed all course work and are now filing a lawsuit for age discrimination

(Father of a jackass)

My 16-year-old son just tried to surf down my stairs standing in a clothes basket. Sign his cast

(222)

Do you have Restless Leg Syndrome? How about insomnia? Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Depression? Come on. You've got to have something wrong with you. Why else would the pharmaceutical companies spend so much on advertising?

(188)

Student, who lives in his mom's basement, wants to "rent" a girlfriend to prove he can get one. This would make a great teen movie, but John Cusack is too old now and not Chinese

Today's "defendant drunk driving to court to face drunk-driving charge" story brought to you by Brisbane, Australia. Bonus points: She crashed into cars outside the courthouse

(12)

Victorian inventor dying from an absestos-related illness is suing two companies for the money he will never make from one of his inventions. He claims he's not afraid of getting flamed for his efforts

(12)

You should never eat / that raw cougar meat / lest you want your intestine / with parasites infestin'

Four-year-old with known serious heart condition goes on "thrilling" Disney ride. Expected bad outcome happens. Disney and parents settle suit outside court

(170)

Cop guarding a wall in England caught playing PSP. Submitter wishes he knew proper British slang

How many California legislators does it take to change a lightbulb?

(203)

(GWB audio)

Theme: George Bush at the drive-thru

(17)

French surrender to that after-lunch sleepiness -- and get paid to do it

Cuba's leader Fidel Castro meets with Hugo Chavez, in a private meeting that was not previously publicized. Sure, theyre wearing the same clothes as they were three months ago, but who's cares about such little details as that

School shows video with a same-sex couple in it to promote tolerance. Community responds positively and stresses tolerance and acceptance. Just kidding: They freak out, act like asshats and try remove the video

(592)

(Long Beach Report)

Conoco is getting rid of the 76 balls

There's a burglar in Georgia going about circumventing alarm systems by burrowing through walls

Tue January 30, 2007:

# of Comments

Residents of Atlanta are mystified has to how to catch two Shih Tzus that have been terrorizing the neighborhood

Sidney Sheldon no longer dreaming of Jeannie, dead at 89

Anheuser-Busch will start marketing Chinese beer in the U.S. -- and as long as they don't start selling Chinese Coke, submitter is cool with that

(Some Doctor)

A $2.00-per-serving cancer cure has been found, yet Fark and most of of the media is silent. If this was a patentable drug from a major drug company, this would be on the front page of every paper in the world

(184)

Town clarifies its norms: Do not set women on fire. Wow, Canada really is different

(digyourowngrave)

Nifty little game called "Cubefield" where you have to avoid cubes with your arrow key. No Pedobear or ASCII, swear

Woman writes a book called "Peanut Butter Boogers" so her kids would become interested in reading

(19)

An exclusive look into the Hell's Angels lair: interior decorating for bad asses with this modern day Animal House

(103)

Ten shopping tricks that stores hate

(252)

(Sheboygan Press)

Teen steals snowmobile from storefront. Teen brings snowmobile in for repairs two days later... to the same store he stole it from

(32)

Workers in Ohio find giant snakesicle

Zumba dance classes the latest media-manufactured fad you've never heard of

(32)

"It is a freakish, doped-up, mutant clone which hasn't had sex for thousands of years." FARK policital thread junkie? No, a banana

(105)

Teen assaults officer with colostomy bag. When colostomy bags are outlawed, only outlaws will have colostomy bags

(63)

10 year-old boy who selflessly donated his pet horse to charity auction receives a gift from the winning bidders -- his pet horse back

Courtney Love might replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. This makes it better how?

Photoshop this lecturer and his presentation

Couple collecting $10,000 powerball winnings buy more tickets, win $15 million

(63)

First Texas, then Connecticut, now Clemson students celebrate MLK Day in an unique way. The Smoking Gun, of course, is there

(236)

Oil rises more than $1 per barrel on news that Brandy has been charged with manslaughter

Lawmaker wants to create bill that would force runway models to have a sandwich or two once in a while, and maybe even dabble with digestion

Russia holds beauty pageant for nuclear-power workers. Miss Chernobyl certain to melt your heart

(37)

Top five most dangerous roads of the world (with pics)

(158)

Ritual blood-letting ceremony in Iraq marred by violence

(37)

If your boyfriend does your exams and papers for you via MSN, don't dump him until AFTER you use the ensuing degree to get permanent residency

Free beer on JetBlue on Super Bowl Sunday. Drew set to rack up 300,000 skymiles

(23)

After losing their marbles in the 19th century, the Greeks would like them back

Prison officials in London rearrange the toilets in the joint to keep them from facing Mecca. Allah don't poop

(154)

(Chronicle-Herald)

Bingo hall worker B-10 and robbed

(102)

Man plans to sue a church because their music is too loud. Claims it has made his life "horrendous" for the past five years

One leaning tower is enough for Italy

(22)

"The German performer accidentally stabbed himself at the Fairfield Halls show when his sphincter failed to open"

(109)

NJ high school plans to test students for weekend drinking. In other news, nobody is expected to be in on Monday

(269)

British PM sets up website where citizens can sign online petitions about issues of most concern to them. Such as "Ban broccoli as an edible foodstuff and reclassify it as a toxic substance"

(Reporter-News.com)

Having kids at home increases adults' daily fat intake while decreasing partaking of kid-making sessions -- so it all evens out

(JW Black Label on my cereal)

Forty percent of jailed Scottish people committed their crimes under the influence of alcohol. The other 60 percent were passed out

Sony settles with FTC over rootkits installed with music CDs

Latest media-overhyped crime trend: Stealing people's hair

(110)

Barbaro upgraded from glue to tourist attraction. You tried submitting this headline without beating a dead horse

(110)

(Engadget)

Radiation Detected! Dirty bomb alert, everyone take cover! Oh wait, never mind. Just another cancer patient

Village which once housed the dwarves that built Stonehenge is found

(127)

FarkTV needs some super image magic for Friday's episode -- see list of image needs in the thread. (Photoshops welcomed, illustrations preferred)

(121)

Apparently unaware of the fate of the previous world's oldest people, Japanese woman is "grateful" to be No. 1

(94)

World War II vet wins $254M in lottery, will use it to buy a M26 Pershing to keep kids off his lawn

Chinese man has to have contact lenses surgically removed after not removing them for a year. And we're not talking just one pair here, either

(193)

FarkTV: "The Dog Vinci Door." Jesus' face appears on a dog door, but what does it all mean? Featuring Farker photoshop-contest submissions from the other day, check it out

Seven people and at least eleven teeth dead after propane explosion levels gas station in West Virginia

(225)

Chicago alderman claims white powdery substance found in home is not drugs, but dietary fiber used to cleanse colon. Says accusations are load of crap

Nude bowling in Maine? Do they have 16-pound balls? How do they walk? Not safe for workish pic included

(186)

(Comedy Central)

Only Jon Stewart could ask the richest man in the world, "What does the F12 button do?"

(288)

Things not expected in an office environment

(95)

Iranian president Ahmadinejad might fall out of power if the U.S. doesn't do something stupid soon

(294)

(FMQB)

Remember when Clear Channel announced they were being sold to a private company? Apparently it's not that easy to take an evil empire private after all

(66)

Why season three of "Lost" sucks: "I think there's a much larger audience that's much more interested in who is Kate going to choose than the details about who Alvar Hanso is"

(313)

Drug designers come up with munchie-less marijuana. Up next: Alcohol without an inflated sense of self-worth

(96)

Calm down! I know you were raped, but for religious reasons, I can't give you your emergency contraception. By the way, we're going to arrest you and throw you into lockup. Have a nice day

(1132)

Granny smuggles 214 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of her Pinto to support her out-of-control bingo habit

(WGAL)

Frat brothers -- who paddled pledge till he passed out, then revived him and paddled him some more -- sentenced to prison. "Thank you sir, may I have two years"

(325)

Johns Hopkins professor and New Republic editor wonders, "Was 9/11 really that bad?"

(448)

(London Free Press)

Police arrest lawyer for drunken driving after he went to the police station to pick up a client who had been arrested for the same offense. Dumbass tag hands the keys to Ironic tag and says, "You drive"

"When you approached it you could see sex rising from it like steam from a kettle... It was very difficult not to get laid on Eel Pie Island"

Price of beer in Ethiopia skyrocketing. Haven't they suffered enough?

Aussie psychologist says forcing female patient to wear dog collar and call him master was within ethical guidelines

French seek to keep religion out of hospitals because if there is one place we don't want people praying, it's on their deathbed

(317)

(Some Howlin' Guy)

Utah State University has a problem with students howling like wolves in the campus library. Believe me, if you lived in Utah, you'd be howling too

(Some John Bull)

Brits and lesser farkers everywhere can try their luck with the "How British Are You" test

Bald eagle lugging deer head causes power outage in Alaska. Power restored, residents told to carrion

Guy starves to death in NY City hospital after workers lose his dentures

Manchester surprise winner of bid to host UK's first Supercasino, but first it needs giant-sized telephone booth, secret identity

(22)

"I won't be happy until I lose my legs." Sad tag shrugs, leaves the building as Sick sighs and steps to the plate

(421)

Fifty-five nuns take off with £400,000. Where's your messiah now, Flanders?

(36)

Theme: Childhood games gone wrong

Saudi couple forced to divorce after the bride's family gets a court ruling saying that he was not prestigious enough to marry her. Too bad Britney's family didn't think to get a similar ruling for Federline

People who invest in ecologically efficient homes face higher tax bills because going green increases value of their property, thus cancelling out any benefit of using alternative energy

You know that whole sponge/microwave thingee? Well nevermind, just use a paper towel and an antibacterial cleaner

Cat put on anti-depressants after being bullied by other cats. What a pussy

(86)

(KCRG)

Teens want tougher keg-registration laws. Also want snugger wedgies, more beatings

Woman who asked for her bank statement was sent those of 75,000 other customers. She decides to tell the authorities rather than quietly selling them back for a neat profit

RSPCA president claims that being cruel to birds is the first step to wife-bashing. Funny, choking the chicken usually dissipates the kind of stress buildup that could lead to violence

(33)

McDonald's tops Starbucks in Consumer Reports coffee taste test. Not sure if that says more about the quality of the coffee or the standards of McMericans

(291)

Authorities in Daytona Beach discover that teens may be filming schoolyard brawls to top each other on YouTube. Ric RomeROTFLMAO on the scene

(42)

Legal brothels claim that foreign backpackers working as illegal prostitutes are undercutting them and damaging the industry. Damn immigrants, taking our hand jobs

Top university graduates in Britain found unfit for tasks such as plucking cigarette butts out of urinals and changing the pucks without extensive retraining first, employers complain

Mon January 29, 2007:

# of Comments

(SunJournal.com)

Woman gets pulled over for speeding, then squeals her tires as she takes off. Then things get weird

(Some WNHS Warrior)

Not news: High school student arrested for confronting students in lunchroom. News: He was tasered twice. Fark: He was running around naked and covered in grape-seed oil

AP reports that Super Bowl Sunday is a big day for takeout. Ric Romero excitedly places his order

Police academy graduates 799 cadets, and not one of them can do any goddamned sound-effects

(47)

(Think Progress)

The new White House pastry chef is well prepared for his new job

(47)

(Sun-Herald)

Teenagers put their phone numbers on MySpace and offer to sell cocaine and marijuana. What could possibly go wrong?

California Sports Hall of Fame kills O.J. Simpson's chance for induction

Actual headline: "fbxrd." Story has nothing to do with fbxrd

(313)

Texas man questioned in theft of four towels and an ashtray from a Motel Six. Apparently, this is also worthy of a "Thief took towels" map inset

Photoshop this surprised trader

(88)

Connecticut police hard at work while they stakeout and detain people for... walking their dogs on the greenway

(43)

That Nationwide Insurance ad with K-Fed? Going over even better than expected

(140)

(Raleigh Chronicle)

Jimmy Kimmel gets Clay Aiken for his Valentine's Day show. Kimmel's just a Judy Garland tribute away from turning totally gay

(110)

New star discovered in Southern Cross constellation depicted on Australian flag. Astronomers predict it will appear in hit action-comedy debut film, win Oscar for overrated drama, and enter sham marriage with star on American flag

(104)

Hugo Chavez says he won't confiscate stuff owned by wealthy Venezuelans. Tax it to death in the name of socialism, maybe, but not take it outright

(602)

If somebody has just tried to pass off cornstarch as crack and you want to kill them with your shotgun, remember to use the end that goes bang, instead of hitting them with the stock

(51)

(wsbtv)

Inept kidnappers send woman into bank to get money... alone, while they go next door to get some fried chicken

(92)

(NewsChannel 5)

Tennessee lawmaker wants to ban non-dentists from taking dental impressions, presumably after a really, really, really bad oral-sex encounter

(Sports Illustrated)

Twenty all-time dumbest questions asked at the Super Bowl media day. Why Parcells is called "The Big Tuna" omitted

(106)

Here we go, farkers / here we go Pittsburgh Fark party! Saturday, March 3, 9:00 p.m. to unconsciousness at the Church Brew Works. LGT previous thread, where LGT previous thread

(104)

Miami announces huge "Fidel Castro Is Dead" party at Orange Bowl. Time and date flexible

(156)

Miss USA, out of rehab, is "a completely different person" -- most importantly, one who knows who is paying the bills

(97)

(This Is South Wales)

Woman uses nudity to distract her husband so she can beat him up. Unfortunately it doesn't work on the cops who had to chase her down the street in the rain

(36)

"Chinese pole dance their way to fitness." If the Chinese Tourism Board needs a slogan, Reuters is here to help

Former male prostitute that exposed evangelical leader welcomed to the church Haggard led

(148)

Display of international flags outside Georgia high school to be moved inside because residents say it encourages illegal immigration and stuff

(267)

Oblivious to the scorn and mockery that will follow for the rest of his career, slow typist claims discrimination and sues his law school

(80)

(HumorFeed)

Cheating politicians, aging pedophiles and missing fat kids: No, it's not news -- it's the top 10 satire stories of 2006

The speed limit in Michigan is 70, but to save money the signs say 65. Ignore them. If you're in a truck you can ignore the 55 signs and go 60, but in a car 55 means 55. Got that?

(Courier-Journal)

Billboard campaign for the Kentucky Humane Society puts the funny back in genital surgery (with links to examples)

(58)

Photoshop this post box

(57)

Possibly the most violent, racially charged episode of FarkTV you'll see all day (safe for work, one f-bomb)

Wal-Mart will not participate in February's New York Fashion Week. What's disturbing is not that they were considering it, but that they've participated before

Welcome to Darwin 101. Today's lesson: Stowing away in the wheel of a 747

(119)

Barbaro's status is finally downgraded to glue

(521)

Bill Gates claims Vista will "wow" its users. As in, "Wow, does this suck" or "Wow, WTF happened to all my data?"

(439)

Police finally catch man who stole country singer Crystal Gayle's tour bus. After studying her fan base, it was only a matter of time before he showed up at Daytona Speedway

Dumb: Robbing the same bank twice in three days. Obvious: Having a dye pack explode in your face when you open your loot bag. Fark: Both times

(Metro.co.uk)

Park set to open where passionate young couples can have sex freely. Dibs on the swing set

(127)

"Fat police" a reality in Britain, where fat kids are being put on lists, marked as abused, and being hauled off to foster care

(494)

(WMBB.com)

When visiting police station, leave your drugs at home

Vermont superintendent says no more pussy in women's prison

(54)

Pair of Danish robbers race car through store, steal nothing. Jake and Elwood Blues unavailable for comment

Penis-shaped fence offends neighbors in Thailand. Penis-shaped fence?

114-year-old Connecticut woman's reign as oldest living person lasts only five days

(131)

New college course teaches the art of creating viral emails. Graduation ceremony to consist of your mother emailing you your certificate three years after you first saw it on B3ta.com

Sheriff in Texas town uses pink to keep recidivism down

The doctor-patient relationship is built on trust, and there's nothing that exemplifies trust more than a psychiatrist whipping it out in front of a female patient and declaring, "This is what you need"

(94)

(WFMY)

Today's "man hides camera in Waffle House ladies room" story brought to you by Atlanta, Georgia; TLIWWV

(Manchester Evening News)

Best. Wedding. Dance. Evar

(227)

Man's groin versus steel fence. Steel fence wins

(59)

British man finds fame by posting videos featuring him playing the "nose trumpet." Sister's "skin flute" videos infinitely more popular