Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2007-01-28 23:59:59'

# of Comments

(AF.mil)

Photoshop this stylish staff sargeant

(KING TV)

Seattle opens sculpture park where visitors can walk right up to "artwork" and are amazed - AMAZED - that people actually touch the pieces. Then there's the graffiti

The best places to take a dump

Autograph session at Chicago area Costco, starring 'Refrigerator' Perry, really amuses crowd when they learn autograph items had to be purchased at that particular Costco

(24)

Pussification of Canada continues as experts recommend kids riding toboggans be made to wear helmets

Trip into space not worth 25K to stupid cheap geek

(107)

(nola.com)

There was a missing fishing boat from Nantucket/The Coast Guard was searching but sucked it/The crew can't be found/they're nowhere around/they probably all have kicked the bucket

(36)

20 things you didn't know about obesity

(176)

(LV Sun)

A State that rhymes with Blorida accidentally issued concealed gun permits to over 1400 felons because of loopholes, errors, and miscommunication

(31)

Guy hired drug addicts and homeless people at minimum wages and then sold them crack and beer at inflated prices. Apparently he was unaware he shouldn't do that

"Study: Spray Delays Ejaculation By 5 Times As Long". In other news, sales of spray to 7th graders rocket

(118)

Go in for gystric bypass, find out you have a 93-pound cyst

"Peak Testosterone": Are We Half the Men We Used to Be?

(130)

Man digging in his yard finds 100 year-old graveyard. Carol Anne unavailable for comment

Attendance at Yosemite Park lagging, XBox and Playstation blamed. New attractions to open in 2007 include the virtual rockclimb and 100-meter grizzly dash

(69)

Gray wolves to be removed from endangered species list, suddenly feel endangered

(142)

One third of Texas students don't finish high school

(183)

Top 10 Foods for a Good Night's Sleep

Robber worried about the security system of game store busted when cops review the tape to find his hiding place

New study shows four out of five people are still searching for their dream job. The other one is content with living in mom's basement and working at Arby's

(96)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Military: "These airplanes, helicopters, and armored personnel carriers are worthless to us now. Let's give them to Florida law enforcement"

60's fashion is back for this year. Is the microminiskirt far behind?

(128)

(NOAA)

Manitoba Mauler headed straight for Kentucky. EVERYBODY PANI.... wait, a what?

(www.thestate.com)

According to the RIAA, USC is one of the top music pirates among colleges

Photoshop this three-inch ANSI 150-flange-inlet fixed-aluminum monitor

(64)

(Addicting Games)

Addictive game complete with snipers in gondolas, hot-air ballons that look like nipples, beer, and catchy theme-songs. Beware..subbie spent an entire year trying to beat this game

Brazil's got nuts. And they're changing the world

At long last, he's made it official: Mike Huckabee announces he's running for president. The nation reacts as one with a cry of : "Who?"

(120)

Thinking the US auto companies will make a comeback soon? Think again

(248)

"If the intensity of a woman's orgasm was played through a man's brain, there's a danger that the shock to his system would kill him"

(411)

Joe Pesci-larity ensues after man jokes to NYC nightclub security guard that he takes his job too seriously

Doctors aren't able to schedule women for breast augmentation surgery as quickly as they used to. Why? Because the men are clogging the waiting list up begging doctors to cure them of their moobs

Superhero tryout fills mall with middle aged, spandex-wearing hopefuls (with pic)

(82)

Caption Vladimir Putin getting some religious instructions

(Press Association)

Chinese widower remarries, makes new wife undergo plastic surgery to resemble dead wife. Self-esteem surrenders, crawls under the table and dies

(69)

"This is a nation built on self-delusion, where millions 'protect' their homes with arsenals of handguns and then seem genuinely surprised each and every time Billy shoots Timmy"

(371)

(Post Gazette)

US Justice Department reports that females aren't actually getting more violent, but it seems that way because the media just loves a good catfight

John Edwards' new home is 29,000 square feet of caring about you

(303)

(Press Association)

Elderly woman finds live grenade while cleaning house; somehow dislodges it on the way to the police station to turn it in. Freakoutalarity totally ensues

(Juneau Empire)

Bong Hits 4 Jesus saga enters year five, Judas has been bogarting

(79)

Exotic dancers promoting fundraiser to help three boys suffering from rare medical disorder. Listen closely: you Finally Have An Excuse

Some old guy in Florida mistakenly billed for $31,000 in cellphone calls to Nicaragua, Cingular says it's not fraud. Where is the "greedy dumbass" tag?

(92)

(Kfox)

Pornography allowed on El Paso Public Library computers. Kids all over El Paso heard saying "Mom? I'm going to the library to, uh...study"

(Reason)

How denim jeans changed over the years from workpants into a symbol of youth and leisure. And yes, your ass looks big in those

(News and Observer)

Third annual Krispy Kreme Run for charity. Rules are you run two miles, eat a dozen doughnuts, and then run back two miles without puking. Film to be on ESPN-8, the Ocho

Alaska faces skilled-worker shortage. Current residents of the dark, frozen wasteland can't understand why

Inventor of frog-shaped chocolate croaks

(LSJ.com)

Kid with Down's Syndrome chosen as Winterfest King at high school dance. First royal decree: YAY MORE PUNCH

St. Louis ministry in a brewpub asks "Have you seen the light? How about the Bud Light?"

Photoshop this angry man with a shovel

Chinese women murdered in order to become "ghost brides" for the dead; husbands express dissatisfaction with eternal nagging

(64)

Immigration is eroding country music's fan base. Pretty much the best argument for immigration yet

(108)

Someone once told me that hair on your knuckles means you never had sex. What other stupid things have you been told?

(278)

Swiss Roger Federer wins 2007 Australian Open. Says he feels pretty neutral about the whole thing

"I hereby sentence you to ten years' imprisonment at her majesty's pleasure. There'll be a cell available in August 2008, so we can fit you in then. You have to promise not to run off before then, though"

(Sunday Mirror)

In change of usual procedure, prisoner accused of smuggling drugs out of prison to sell to idiot frat boys

(13)

(babyanimal)

Do you know what lives in your eyelashes?

(130)

Lowell man thwarts theft of 9,000 pounds of manhole covers

Little kid getting hit by a basketball

(170)

(WTOC Savannah)

Driver runs stop sign, hits car, crashes into parked cars, homeowner runs out of house, chases driver, gets shot by wife. The Aristocrats

Pity the oil barons because BP and Shell are getting a hard time from investors. Submitter has the world's smallest violin and is playing it just for them

(Stars and Stripes)

Vet writes book on proper chopstick use for Westerners, containing hints like don't dunk them in water glass, rest them on rim of bowl, or poke your eye out

(theage.com.au)

Today's "Man sets self on fire and then drives 5 kilometres while still burning" story brought to you by Auckland, New Zealand

(31)

(News of the World)

British police lose track of 322 paroled sex offenders

Man dies while stealing hay. Crime isn't all it's stacked up to be

(WCVB Boston)

Thieves target home of teen undergoing cancer treatment in hospital. Faith in humanity drops another notch

(WHDH)

Good samaritan stops to help at accident scene, stays around to complete police report. He also decides to further help the police out and admit there is a warrant out for his arrest

(28)

Diablo Valley College students with access to academic records are suspected of running a "grades-for-cash" scheme. In other news, submitter will Paypal you ten bucks if you vote for this headline

Sat January 27, 2007:

# of Comments

Sydney pub offers daycare while parents get slosh...er...have lunch

Photoshop the Omlette Man

The top 15 most annoying noises, in pictures. Amazingly, the article manages not to include the words 'Back' or 'Nickel'

(157)

Most Americans don't consider their jobs fun, says report released by the Department of Obviousness

(128)

(Telegraph)

Boy of 12 is believed to have become the world's youngest sex change patient after convincing doctors that he wanted to live the rest of his life as a female. He also would like to be a Power Ranger

(467)

Report says LA County can't ban trans fat in restaurants simply because they lack the authority to do so

(106)

Blind woman uses mini-horse named PANDA as guide, local guide-dog union outraged

Brazilian woman gives birth to record-setting "giant baby", twice the weight of an average baby. With picture of lil' Womb Stretcher the Magnificent

(Times Daily)

Alabama's deer population continues to rise despite the tireless efforts of drunken hunters

"Young man, when I was your age, we would fark like madmen" Old man arrested for giving advice about sex instead of letting teen learn about it on the Interweb tubes

(37)

Disabled people may now their ride motorized scooters on public roads in NJ. Insert your favorite "Jersey driver" joke here

(45)

The coolest cylindrical aquarium you'll see today

Kid scores "good one dick!!" on high school exam paper

(93)

(L-Space)

Given how he's mentioned in just about every book thread favourably, does anyone here dislike Pratchett's work?

(255)

Ohio considers instituting the draft to force people to serve in dangerous, third-world conditions where most of the people they come in contact with don't even speak comprehensible English

Sword-wielding teen killed by police after he kills his mother; local high school yearbook committee says "hey, don't look at us"

Criminal mastermind steals money from building, walks home in snow. Is surprised when police follow his tracks

(26)

British chef Jamie Oliver proves he drives about as well as he cooks (pix)

Miami sprucing up city before Super Bowl - which loosely translates into reburying Haitian voodoo undead and plastering over bullet holes in City Hall, Kate Moss

(28)

The world's hardest Flash game ever. Warning: may induce profanity

(179)

Massive poison theft may not have been committed by protesters planning to drop it in the water supply as initially theorized, but instead by marijuana growers sick of having their crop eaten by possums

(23)

(Romford Recorder 24)

Club that serves up sexual intercourse and pretend torture can now add alcohol and food to its menus. That sound you hear is a Fark party being planned

Iran is installing 3,000 centrifuges at a uranium enrichment site. EVERYBODY PANIC

(701)

(The Local - Sweden)

In the future, women in southern Sweden will not be able to choose the sex of their gynaecologist. All doctors will be solely identified by hand-size

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where smoke emits? That'd be the Ritz

Lounge's star performer, Jesse the Human Bomb, banned from performing at happy hour. "We don't like people blowing themselves up in Crystal River"

(26)

Payloader driver accidently turns his dad into source-separated organics at Long Island recycling plant

(Lancaster Online)

Women admit they became skeptical of their spiritual healer once he started licking them

AudioEdit a one-minute-long Not News report

(12)

Photoshop this happy Indian street musician

Spate of arsons has Dunedin police worried. However, police think all three arsons are unrelated and not part of a larger conspiracy, even though the fires wouldn't have burned hot enough to melt the steel supports

Seldom on the same flight do you hear "Is anyone on board a doctor?" followed later by "Is anyone on board a pilot?"

(105)

Gunman attempts to rob McDonalds, is shot by gun-wielding employee. Bonus: Would-be robber had been featured in the same paper for starting an anti-crime youth group

(100)

(NASA)

40 years ago today, the crew of Apollo 1 gave their lives in pursuit of the heavens

(255)

Stripper rewarded for beating off dog

(Corsicana Daily Sun)

If you're going to rob an armored car driver and run away on foot, try not to do it near a police dog academy

(24)

Step 1: Bang hot high-school teacher. Step 2: Sue teacher for $2.5 million for emotional distress. Step 3: profit

(Waco Tribune)

"Neighbors said they wouldn’t be surprised at her being found in her bathrobe, though some had trouble believing she would climb into a school heating and cooling unit and die"

(26)

(Sabah)

Ukrainian Chamber of Commerce chairman defends his visit to Thailand by saying that Ukranian hookers are much better looking and "do not have four breasts"

Police officer attacked by elderly woman wielding a cell phone, sword, and presumably her real teeth

(20)

(Blayney)

Reporter to Maria "Sore Loser" Sharapova - "Serena Williams really outplayed you today." Sharapova to Reporter - "She's a dude."

(277)

Apparently, it's not okay to tape a student down to a bench and then punch him repeatedly in the groin. Who knew?

(Some Godless Guy)

Seven state constitutions require a belief in God in order to hold public office. Bonus: In Massachusetts it is a requirement for equal protection under the law

(368)

(Goa Herald)

Residents complain to local officials that their beaches are positively littered with topless women

Man creates MySpace page to boast of brother's marijuana crop and how often they smoke pot together. What could possibly go wrong?

(Lex Luthor)

Superman's fortress of solitude found

(174)

(Some old guy)

Photoshop this house painter

(Fayetteville Observer)

Illegal aliens are scared if they go back to work at plant that was raided they may be deported. Sympathy meter pegs zero on this one, sorry

(251)

(NY Journal News)

Middle school health teacher could lose his job after instructing his class how to draw the male form, complete with an anatomically correct danglething

(147)

Drug addicts who kick their habit are to be rewarded with iPods, televisions and shopping vouchers

(Nevada Appeal)

Sensing smoke, the novelist spun around rapidly, discovering to his dismay that the puddle into which he had thrown the lit paper had, in fact, been gasoline. "Hilarity shall certainly ensue" he mused

(43)

Canada to innocent terror suspect deported and tortured for a year: "Our bad. Here's $9 million, we're cool, right?"

Co-owners of mobile home housing 66 cats and dogs arrested; deny claims of running cat picture, "do not want" Fark cliche sweatshop

(120)

(The Times Record News)

Town official sends e-mail of "bare breasted women" to members of the Elementary School Building Committee. That damn reply all button strikes again

Unexpected perks of being a National Guard recruiter include sex with cheerleaders, yay team

Philippine troops raid MILF rebels, administer UFIAs on prisoners in PMITA prison camps

(37)

This year, for the first time in human history, more people will live in urban areas than rural areas. Every day in the world, 200,000 people migrate to cities. Half the new buildings in the world in the next 10 years will be built in China

Mistrial declared when defense attorney suffers onset of Alzheimer's in mid-closing argument

Big Dig ramp in Boston, closed since motorist was killed by falling ceiling panels, will reopen this weekend. You go first

Man leans over to flip off cops, crashes into guard rail. Alcohol may have been involved

(14)

World's oldest newspaper stops printing on paper and devotes itself entirely to publishing on the Internet. What kind of idiot gets their news from sites on the Internet? Stupid idiots, that's who

Photoshop this tennis player

(70)

British teachers ban soccer from school playgrounds for 'health and safety reasons'

(KMOV)

Elderly man chases Girl Scout off his lawn with a loaded shotgun

(96)

Archery club accused of tying down live turkeys and using them as target practice

(132)

Hospice hires prostitute to help dying man with his last wish: to lose his virginity. "It was not emotionally fulfilling, but the lady was very pleasant and very understanding," patient explains

(164)

Minnesota officials considering punishing Muslim cabbies who refuse to transport alcohol and dogs. And in this rare case, the ACLU appears to be on the sensible side of the issue

(225)

Intoxicated rocket surgeon decides to climb across stopped freight train that had the nerve to interrupt his staggering. Chug chug. Woo woo. Goodbye, you drunken dumbass

Fri January 26, 2007:

# of Comments

Caption Donald Trump laughing

(92)

The coolest picture of Tetris vandalism you'll see all day

Black Lab who saved the lives of dozens of soldiers in Afghanistan to be awarded the canine equivalent of the Victoria Cross, only the 25th canine recipient ever. Sadie gets the tag

(107)

Go ahead and steal a bike in England: if you're not wearing a helmet, the police will refuse to chase you

Japan to execute 100,000 chickens that weren't able to make it to Canada

(Metro Active)

Democrat Senator voted for contracts that gave her husband's company billions. Cheney looks on approvingly, says she is strong with the dark side

(460)

Fast food worker's group outraged at being associated with Kevin Federline

(Some Game)

Get the mummy to the flag

Question: If you jump off a bridge and land on somebody's car while trying to kill yourself, who's responsible for paying the damage? You, or the city that's been dragging its feet to stop suicide jumpers?

(Lincoln Journal Star)

Youth football coach too cheap to buy more paper accidentally hands out fliers with samples of kiddie pr0n printed on the back. Easy Button surrenders

It's official: CBS news is reporting that New Zealanders do in fact have love affairs with sheep

New York City to welcome Prince Charles and the horse he rode in on

(PennLive)

Philadelphia could be next city to ban trans fat. Fortunately, Cheez Whiz has no trans fat. No actual cheese, either, but who's quibbling

(135)

(The Local)

No, 55 year old Swedish man, you are not John Cusack in Say Anything. Not You

Virginia senator targets "scuzzball reporters" with law making it a crime for anyone to visit someone who has suffered any "personal or emotional loss" for a week. The whole damn Constitution surrenders

(121)

(WAFF)

DMV distributes a thousand duplicate licence plates. What could possibly go wrong?

Gen X makes its narcissistic contribution to modern culture: "hipster parenting," or how to change a diaper at a Modest Mouse concert

(204)

(Some Angus Young)

Photoshop this downed high-voltage tower in Germany

New ad campaign pitching Toronto as a vacation destination for Americans criticized for making the city look gay

(WRAL)

From the "your wife is wasting her money" department. Study shows facial lotions not magic anti-aging potions

British town unveils web site allowing Internet users to control town's CCTV cameras. Predictably, a lot of residents have a problem with this

(Party Planner)

Denver Fark Party. DIT, LGT restaurant

Maxim’s 50 Lamest Things of All Time From Vegan bacon to Soft-core porn

(302)

Today on Fark.TV: Drew as the CEO of the company that makes musical condoms. SFW, a few f-bombs, par for the course

Church brings together two of man's greatest creations: pancakes and porn

(93)

Small-town Texas mayor proposes ordinance carrying a $500 fine for anyone who says the N-word. Please

(181)

How is a BMW different than a porcupine? Porcupines didn't see all-time record sales for 2006

12-year-old girl fined £50 for failing to sort her recycling properly

Thanks to Dakota Fanning's rape scene, the government now wants to review all movie scripts before filming starts. Step right up, asshats: Plenty of blame to go around

(398)

British hospitals ask nurses to work for free because it would be cheaper

"We literally caught him with his pants down", says Captain McClever after catching robber tripped by his own baggy pants

From Today's vortex of weirdness, prisoner escapes in Texas, steals Crystal Gayle's tour bus in Tennessee and makes a bee-line to You-Know-Where to pick up some NASCAR driver

Your wife's grandmother tells you not to spank your child. Do you: A) thank her for her advice B) tell her to mind her own farking business, or C) zap the hell out of her with a taser

(384)

Disney's new ad campaign features celebrities playing fantasy characters: David Beckham as Prince Charming, Beyonce Knowles as Alice in Wonderland, Scarlett Johanssen as Cinderella, Tom Cruise as a straight man

Woman gets free towel as souvenir after visiting hospital. Sewn into her chest

Justice Ginsburg lonely without another woman on the Supreme Court, has no one to braid her hair, crank call Justice Thomas, and make s'mores with

Stolen Bigfoot statue in Washington State recovered, minus its big feet

Alternative medicine rarely discussed with doctors. In related news, flat earth theory rarely discussed with geographers, Lunar Cheese theory rarely discussed with astronomers

(364)

Bush discovers conjunctions, goes from "decider" to "decision-maker"

(167)

Spa's "snake massage" has less 'happy ending' than you would hope for

(21)

Hottie needs a date to the superbowl... a date with a ticket

(536)

(Iceland Review)

In Iceland, the cold, dark, depressing first three months of the year are affectionately known as the "sh*tty months." The good news is there's plenty of sheep testicles, rotten shark and booze to help you survive

Since it's January, it must be time for the annual story about emergency crews being called to rescue drunken frat boys on Mount Washington. Yup, there it is

(Florida Today)

Man steals $400 phone, strips naked, tries to swim away, bites cop during arrest. Florida tag looks bored, asks "That all you got?"

UN says Iran is planning to install underground centrifuges next month as potential ramp-up to creating nuclear weapons. Plans to issue a harshly worded memo once that happens

(334)

(TD)

With nothing else going on the world, Tallahassee Democrat giving readers daily updates on duck that came back to life in hunter's fridge. Don't miss the gripping Day 10 installment: Surgery postponed

Olmec-influenced city found in Mexico. Discoverers reportedly used all their pendants of life escaping the temple guards before finding the artifact

(219)

Court rules that results of roadside breath tests don't count if the driver burps while they are being administered

(137)

Earlier daylight-saving time to be royal pain in the ass for I.T. departments

(200)

"Brain damage kills craving for nicotine"

Michigan treasurer donates $1.2 million to Nigerian retirement fund. Anxiously awaiting his share of the $35 million in escrow

(106)

U.S. troops authorized to kill Iranians in Iraq

(446)

Girls charged with conspiring to kill classmates and Oprah and Tom Cruise and the Energizer Bunny. Really

(271)

More reported UFO sightings over Charlotte. In related news, the town of Mooresville will host its Second Annual Mashed Potato Sculpture Contest this weekend

(109)

Pigs may not yet fly, but these have been taught to play the piano

Scientist develops doughnuts containing the same amount of caffeine as two cups of coffee

(107)

Men find the Super Bowl far more important than Valentine's Day. This unpaid placement masquerading as news brought to you by Coors Light

(113)

Man arrested for selling counterfeit Viagra. Police describe suspect as a hardened criminal

Shipwreck scavenger returns stolen goods to owner with apologies, claiming he was "caught up with the party atmosphere." Because every good party should involve container theft, police lines and wild fowl drenched in crude oil

(30)

(WDBJ7)

Pizza delivery includes marijuana. If you are ordering from Pizza Hut in Roanoke, remember to ask for "extra oregano"

(161)

(flode)

Photoshop this guy and his snuggly toy

Woman's body found in the trunk of her car. Suicide suspected. Can we have a Shenanigans tag over here?

(Greenville Online)

Truck full of chickens flips over and catches fire (with pic). Rotisserie chicken, anyone?

Having a bumper sticker which reads "I Love Porn" probably isn't the best camouflage if you're trying to abduct 12-year-old boys

If your life depends on an electric oxygen machine, you should probably pay your electricity bill

(207)

Boy taken to hospital after teacher puts boy's head in photocopier. No, you can't have any pudding

Elderly man -- angered by rich people building McMansions in his historic neighborhood -- picks up a can of spraypaint and starts adding graffiti. Get off his lawn, yo

(108)

PNG women killed after being accused of sorcery. JPEG, GIF women reportedly unharmed

(131)

Today's "elk with a plastic chair around its neck" story brought to you by Estes Park, Colorado (with pic)

It's 0° F, truck spills load of bottled water on busiest highway in North America. What could possibly go wrong?

(135)

(Taipei Times)

In this day and age, the family that pops Prozac together, stays together. But the family that piles into an old Volkswagen bus the color of a banana surely has more entertainment value

Toughest granny ever gives her husband an early 50th wedding anniversary present by beating mountain lion, telling it to stay off their damn lawn (and off her husband's head)

Farmhands are shocked, SHOCKED to discover that touching a live wire with a metal pole is a bad idea

There are 70,000 prostitutes in Italy (and one of them is Nately's)

(157)

Photoshop this action figure

(Music Lover)

Iran commissions "nuclear" symphony, sort of like Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" or Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture," but with a MUCH bigger bang

January 25th, 1935. A great day in history as the beer can makes it's debut. Your dog wants a bottle

Church school burglar/boy genius has drunken mom drive him to police station to turn himself in. This pretty much ends how you might expect

You work as a security guard and you get shot in the head. Do you: A) Call 911 and get medical attention? B) Finish your shift and promptly dall over dead? Because it's Fark, you can bet on the latter

Fark the vote (again). Fark nominated for 2007 Bloggie award for "Lifetime Achievement"

Today's "child taking a gun to school" story is brought to you by Shawnee, Kansas. Bonus: It was a kindergartener

Seven-metre python eats at least eleven hounds, possibly a plane

DO WANT

Piece of steel accidentally fed into a mulcher is launched 1,000 feet into a senior housing complex. Whoopsie

Though factually correct, proclaiming, "You're making me to be more of a mass killer than I am" is actually conterproductive when trying to establish you're not a serial killer

Pet oxygen masks coming to the rescue in fires. Your dog perfectly happy to avoid you giving him mouth-to-mouth

(30)

Thu January 25, 2007:

# of Comments

(Bladen Journal)

Pot dealer calls a customer, offers to sell. Too bad he got the number wrong and called a cop

(37)

Flagpole repairman killed when 10-pound metal ball falls 70 feet from top of pole, striking him in the head. No really, there's such as thing as a flagpole repairman

Budweiser to try flavoring additives in beer; attempt to mask urine taste

(124)

(10 News)

Marijuana-growing house catches fire. Neighbors treated for "smoke inhalation." Some of them treated several times, in fact

Welsh dairy farmers have started putting singles ads on the sides of their milk cartons. Finally, you can look at a girl's picture on the side of the milk carton and think "she's hot" without feeling guilty

New York set to release official city condoms. Chicago scoffs indignantly, draws up plans for longer, sausage-flavored line of condoms

Overzealous movie censor edits the word God entirely out of in-flight movie. Where is your now?

(NewsDaily)

Man arrested for fighting with shrubbery, cutting down tallest tree with herring

Today's bumbling criminal captured as a result of his fashion choices brought to you by Covington, Louisiana

Another tragic case of a reptile dysfunction

(The Streak)

It's always the naked ones you gotta look out for

As expected, the water-Wii radio contest death has resulted in a lawsuit. Followup and Obvious tags in a pissin' contest over who gets to accompany this headline

(538)

The government wants to study why teens get in car accidents. It's called beer

(64)

(Fresh air)

In the old tobacco state of Virginia, legislators considering measure to ban smoking in restaurants. Remaining smokers to be herded up and sent to camps in Utah

(225)

Utah's only openly gay senator calls his anti-anti-sodomy law conservative, conservative lawmakers to give stiff opposition

(321)

Democratic Congress about to give credit card industry a long-overdue ass-kicking

(250)

Theme: Photoshop what the Shadow Knows

Nicole Kidman injured in car crash. No word on whether Cruise control played any role in accident

Not to be out done, UConn says lookie here, got MLK?

(430)

Thirty thousand jobs in L.A. are attributed to reality TV shows. Thirty thousand soul-sucking, embarassing jobs

History of the Super Bowl Halftime Curse

(90)

A virtually eradicated disease that eats through people's skin, cartilage and bones is reappearing in Africa, Asia and South America EVERYBODY PANIC

(203)

The man who may be the worst mass-muderer in Canadian history insists he's innocent, has no idea how the dismembered remains of those women got on his property

(185)

NFL announces tougher drug testing. Supposedly will start asking, "Is that a doobie in your hand?"

Dutch man gets ID card and driver's license made with picture of The Joker. Put out the Bat Signal

Previous year's sure-fire gimmicks to get an Oscar nod have included actors playing retarded characters and pretty actresses made to look ugly. This year, it's putting child characters in danger

Cheney announces that just because the House, Senate and 68 percent of the U.S. population oppose sending more troops to Iraq, it doesn't mean they aren't going

(564)

(PeoriaPundit)

Illinois governor isn't just a whore, he's a cheap whore: $500 bucks buys a state job

(96)

Wal-Mart settles in overtime case, manages to avoid shootout

Colbert provides a safe place for Representative Brian Baird to talk about his feelings

Apparently, films with both "good" Muslims and "bad" Muslims depict Islam negatively. All movie villains will now be white men between the ages of 18 and 49

(423)

Suspended basketball player calls in bomb threat to the game he was suspended for. His PMITA ball-playing career is just beginning, however

(WGRZ-TV)

New Jersey residents told to limit squirrel consumption

(118)

UNC declared today's "second suckiest N.C. school" after mistakenly telling 2700 wait-listed applicants they're in. Duke sucks

Fark TV: Iran legalizes "one hour marriages" (wink) (wink). Me love you short time (safe for work)

This week, QE2 became QE#2

(100)

(Times Dispatch)

ACLU lawyers offer assistance to butt-painting teacher, possibly by acting as canvases

(charleston daily mail)

Story about armed, wanted convict on the loose mentions police want as many people as possible to see his picture, does not include picture

(36)

(FMQB)

FCC forms task force on media and childhood obesity, since it's obviously the fault of the media that kids are so fat. Parental responsibility will be right back after this commercial break

(119)

FBI says it's been looking for men guilty of 1964 race killings for 40 years. Documentarist stops for gas in the town it happened in, gets directions right to the guy's house. That's fine work, Lou

(113)

Photoshop these light fixtures. Ya rly

(KSL.com)

Utah is first state to put an image of a dildo on their state quarter (pic)

(198)

Children in homes full of books, games less likely to be spanked, except for those unfortunate few who get beaten upside the head for mouthing off about correlation and causation

(157)

This one time at band camp, a high school principal allowed his high school band to be the opening act for Ludacris. Until one asshat parent emails some of his lyrics to the principal

(270)

(Pawtucket Times)

Unpopped toast burns down R.I. bag factory. The War on Toast potentially unwinnable

Photos from that Texas school's offensive/racist MLK Day party. The Smoking Gun is there

(1027)

"The girl is naked. The investigator is naked. You receive an oil massage and, at the end of it, you receive hand relief and that's it." Where is the romance in that?

Spanish radio station: No green card? No grey car, No El Tuyo

(127)

Nancy Pelosi's daughter's documentary about Ted Haggard debuts tonight on HBO. She finished it before the scandal broke. Then things got weird

(372)

General-knowledge quiz shows in the UK getting harder. Viewers complained after two answers to the question "What items might be found in a woman's handbag?" were revealed to be balaclava and Rawlplugs

Signs the world is coming to an end: Runaway bride story to become rock opera

Organisers of Kenyan summit on world poverty upset after poverty-stricken street children invade their 5-star hotel and eat their expensive food

Vandals sought in "Gnomesville Massacre"

You may not date your dental hygienist in Washington state. Who gave the government the power to regulate my love life?

(108)

Man leaves scratch-off lottery card as tip for waitress. It wins her $664

The inventor of the AK-47 backs gun control. Trraaaiiitttooorrrrrr

(469)

Two election workers were convicted Wednesday of rigging a recount of the 2004 presidential election in the very Ohio county that won the state for Bush. No, you can't have honest elections. Not yours

(180)

Hillary Clinton running fourth in Iowa behind Edwards, Obama, and some guy named Vealsack or Sleestack or something

(149)

How does a president both drive the price of oil higher for the next 20 years and buy $20 billion worth of product off his friends at the oil companies? He told you last night

(telegraph.co.uk)

Newly released study says mobile phones cause brain cancer, but other studies conclude they don't cause brain cancer. I hope that clears things up for you

Apparently, it's against Islam for a male doctor to examine a woman's cooter after she has a complicated birth

Nude-dancing club on church grounds "disappointing," may try adding strip bingo

(18)

Whinging Poms have been successful with their whinging against a beer ad that contained the stereotype of the whinging Pom. In other news, Fark needs an Australian translator, stat

(61)

Man, 87, gets ID'd when he goes to buy an alcoholic beverage. It's not news, it's the BBC

(61)

Crisco removes trans-fat from it's shortening recipe. Still not exactly health food

The dreaded "s" word may be hitting Georgia this weekend. EVERYBODY PANIC and buy eggs and milk

France to open its UFO files to the public. The Sun is there with 100-percent genuine photo

Castro "almost jogging." In possibly related news, Frank Oz has not been seen for several months

Texas students celebrate Martin Luther King Day with fried chicken, malt liquor and dressing up as Aunt Jemima. Who could possibly be offended by this?

(711)

(EOnline)

Van Halen set to tour with David Lee Roth, oil prices drop to $32 a barrel, cancer cured, Paris Hilton joins convent. Only one of these is true

(116)

Malaysia's tourism is up due to serious newspaper articles about miracle healers and a mysterious giant ape in the country's jungles. Now, there is a woman who apparently secretes gem-stones out of her big toes

(15)

Serena Williams to face off against Sharapova for hottest female tennis star

(200)

(American Spectator)

The liberal media is staging a coup against Mr. Bush. They cannot impeach him because he hasn't done anything illegal. But they can endlessly tell us what a loser he is

(583)

Residents of Charlotte, NC and upstate SC flood 911 dispatchers with reports of odd lights hovering in the sky. No word on if anyone was clearing brush for the government at the time

Hospital keeps baby boy until parents have paid for his delivery

Man vandalizing tombstones in cemetery taken into custody by the ghost of one of them

Bird flu could possibly infect cats and mutate. Our only defense is to get a dog to eat the cat, a goat to eat the dog, a cow to eat the goat, and then a horse to eat the cow

Teen gets visit from the FBI after making threats on XBOX 360 Live. The FBI doesn't like it when you talk about its momma, son

The Pentagon has been spying on hundreds of American anti-war demonstrators. But don’t worry -- they said it was an accident, so it’s all good

Mn writes a novl Ntirely outa txt msgs . nw STFU n GBTW

(Metro.co.uk)

A month-long diet of junk food does not necessarily cause devastating health effects like those in documentary film "Super Size Me," scientists say. Here comes the lack of reproducable results

(Gizmondo)

Mac OS X Leopard screenshots leaked for you nerds. Leopard > Vista

(418)

(Some Skywatcher)

U.S. Air Force, in desperate attempt to keep lid on alien aircraft that it has, takes responsibility for mystery lights in sky over Arkansas this month

Hollywood blames Canada for half of movie piracy. Arrrrrr, ey?

Today's Iron Photoshop theme: Manly men on horses

"Muffin top" named word of the year for 2006 in Australia. "The vivid imagery of this word with its sense of playfulness and the fact that it is an Australianism made it the clear winner," judges explain

(74)

Japanese women are using male escort services not for sex, but for backrubs and cuddling. They even sign notes promising not to go all the way and everything

(43)

Note to self: DON'T go skydiving with someone who's sleeping with your S.O.

Hugo Chavez claims Fidel Castro is feeling better, went for a walk, doesn't feel like getting on the cart

(News Shopper)

Naked man causes disturbance, gets down on all fours in middle of busy road. Anyone know his Fark login?

Good news for you procrastinators out there. This year's tax deadline has been moved to April 17

EBay profits up 24 percent, mainly because of idiots willing to pay thousands of dollars for a PS3

McDonald's in Japan introduces the Mega Mac, a four-patty Big Mac. They're selling so fast they've had to limit on how many can be sold daily because some restaurants are running out of the burgers before noon

Pssssssst, buddy, need some bomb-grade uranium? Sting operation in Republic of Georgia nabs Russian man who attempted to sell high-grade uranium in a plastic bag, held in his jacket

Remember yesterday's story about how microwaving sponges disinfects them? Turns out they have to be wet otherwise they'll just start on fire, as more than one moran found out

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 90: "Shades of Gray." LGT next week's theme. Please read first post

(270)

Coyote hunter finds military-grade rocket, dial set to "roadrunner"

Study identifies the worst noise in the world, and suprisingly, it is not Paris Hilton's album, though it could be the sound of someone who listened to it. Still no cure for tone-deafness

(109)

Wed January 24, 2007:

# of Comments

New Zealand's richest woman forced to move to Australia to pursue her charitable aims, as the New Zealand government refused to relax tax rules so she could give more of her money away

(Some American)

Reason number 3,459 why the U.S. is better than Canada: The impending junk-food tax

(128)

(Libertarian Party)

Libertarians' response to the State of the Union address

(310)

(Mangalorean.Com)

Actual headline: Boy's shouting kills 400 chickens

(six degrees)

Kevin Bacon starts a charity. He calls it Six Degrees. Here's to you, Mr. take-a-cliche-and-do-something-good-with-it

(119)

The benefits of medicinal marijuana have long been clear to those who suffer from chronic illness, boredon

(127)

(nbc10.com)

Casino tells man he won jackpot, changes mind, gives him two food comps instead

McDonald's profits more than doubled last quarterpounder

Photoshop this ice cream truck

(70)

Deliberately inflammatory headline regarding political issue distorts actual content of article with intent to provoke irrational conflicts among debaters. Sarcastic request for members of opposing ideology to inhale sharply

(873)

Ugly-ass rhinoceros born in the Budapest Zoo (w/pic)

Drew will be on 1190 KEX at 6:30pm PST

(31)

BEER Pittsburgh BEER Fark BEER Party BEER Planning....lgt previous thread BEER

Remember the GI trying to buy mats who was told the company wouldn't ship to Iraq? Yeah, the guy who refused to sell mats was a Muslim and has since been fired. Random bombing to commence shortly

(267)

Fungus covering 2,200 acres is world's biggest organism. Sounds like Submitter's mom needs to see the gynecologist

Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl shows up shirtless in the student section with his chest painted orange for a Lady Vols vs. Duke game... With Pic goodness... and as always, Duke sucks

Hiker finds lower part of human body in forest. Police are determining whether this is connected to the upper part of human body discovered on nearby riverbank earlier. So to speak

(Some Flying Farkstick)

CT Fark Party at Waverly Tavern Restaurant and Bar, Cheshire CT on Saturday, Feb 10 at 7PM. Come on down and have some beers with us and share a few laughs. You know you want to. LGT announcement and directions

Catholic League outraged over Dakota Fanning rape scene. That's like the dog being outraged at the cat for licking his own balls

(529)

Bill O'Reilly says possible sex abuse victim Shawn Nornbeck enjoyed his captivity

(413)

Security video showing Falcons QB Michael Vick disposing of water bottle at Miami International erased after it was requested by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution under public records law

(184)

(Rocky Mountain News)

County officials almost come to blows over who is the biggest liar

(TechDirt)

Fox tries to hide Paula Abdul videos... causing them (of course) to get more attention

(169)

Photoshop this kid behind bars

From the "Who the hell funded this?" files: German scientists have spent the past three years trying to get a sloth to move

Today's "mother hires attorney after teacher puts son in a body sock" story brought to you by Pinellas County (with pic)

(246)

So how long, exactly, can you bomb the hell out of a country before you are offically at war with it?

(263)

New FarkTV episode: Drew as the Beer Can Killer in England... wait, it was in Mumbai? Also, possibly not safe for work appearance by Megan in just underwear if your office cares about such things

(149)

World Association of Debt Management Offices website shut down due to overdue fee

Kerry announces he will not run for president in 2008. Announcement contradicting himself to follow

(468)

Israeli president to take a leave of absence. Should free up his time for nonconsensual sexual activities

(69)

That whole "gay sheep" media burp, it's more PETA asshattery

(310)

Duke rape case investigation was so botched, even The Smoking Gun was sucked into delivering the papers charging the lead investigator with negligence

(218)

John McCain exhibits the kind of vitality people want in a president by falling asleep in the middle of the State of the Union

(310)

Financial tips from "the cheapest family in America"

(425)

Five ugly-ass komodo dragons born in London. With slimy lizardy pic-goodness

Speed cameras in Scotland may soon be monitored by security cameras to protect them from vandals. So who is watching the watchers watching the watchers?

Newspaper investigation into cops illegally parking angers Fraternal Order of Police president. "It's an attempt to relieve the officers of discretion." Most common "emergency" being responded to? Lunch

(Greenville Online)

Community upset over apartment billboard featuring tramp-stamped female because "the message could draw predators like a convicted sex offender"

(169)

The wind cries, "Merchandising!"

(349)

Ugly-ass prehistoric shark discovered off Japan's coast. Mothra unavailable for comment

CIA using Facebook to recruit. Coming soon to your MySpace top eight

Los Angeles unveils brilliant new approach to curb street violence: Gang tax

The new hotness: This bird can putt, dunk a basketball, roll over and play dead. Fark: This is on the front page of CNN right now

(78)

Driver fined for honking horn at dim-witted pedestrian who walked into traffic with a cellphone stuck to his idiot ear

(144)

(Millennium Radio)

One more reason for students not to show up at class: Full college lectures available through iTunes

(theVoiceofReason)

Latest survey says 31 percent of Americans would like a fridge in their cars; 29 percent, Internet access

Necklace worth $263,574 stolen from Sam's Club. Amazingly, nine-gallon tub of mayonnaise left untouched

(87)

Washington state senator introduces bill allowing dogs into bars and restaurants. Your dog wants to join his friends for some jello shots, a burger and fun down at the local pub. Maybe they can meet some biatches

(wzzm13.com)

City where only 40 percent of ninth graders end up graduating imposes a daytime curfew for minors. Because if they can't be outside, they will naturally go back to school

(136)

The coolest picture of a Tanzanian police officer lighting a bonfire made of confiscated rifles you'll see today

(228)

Photoshop this firehose cabinet

Fundies: "We've got a constitutional right to disrupt this gay festival." Federal judge: "Suck it"

(762)

Drunk guy breaks into into Las Vegas airport, then hijacks a luggage-cart thingee. Real glad beefed-up airport security keeps out these well-planned, well-executed conspiratorial plots

By snakes and toads I command the admins to greenlight this headline. Nuohwoo nuohwoo

Lecturer discovers Victorian era comic's private joke book. Bits include Lord Palmerston's flatulent foxhound, getting into Princess Vicky's bloomers, and jokes about cholera

Eye-opening article on why people procrastinate. Bookmark it so you can read it later

"Chemical Ali" calls Iraq's current president a "pimp" in audiotapes. President scoffs, puts on feathered hat, drives off in purple Cadillac

Everyone named Tyler Holden forced to pay $550 for a DNA test to prove they did not father this child. Even the 79-year-old one, the impotent one, and the one who was three at the time

(111)

Angelina has reached out to Jennifer for "peace talks." AudioEdit the result

(8)

Today's "cop crashing a funeral to serve a warrant" story brought to you by Blount County, Tennessee

(106)

Two Alabama museums, over four hours apart by car, worry about their potentially conflicting Pompeii exhibits

Perth psychologist claimed patient's bulimia was all about control, and she needed to learn discipline. However, he interpreted the word "discipline" not in the conventional sense, but in the "dog collar and whipping" sense

(ABC 13 Houston)

For the fourth time since the new year, Houston police draw guns on driver of car they think is stolen. Luckily, they decided to question the preacher instead of shooting him, unlike the last three guys

(Times Herald Record)

Today's "stoner starts a house fire drying weed in the oven" story is brought to you... whoa, that cloud totally looks like a turtle... by Wurtsboro, New York

You might have lost your Canadian citizenship if you can't hum "Hockey Night," you think "color" is spelled right, or you had your 24th birthday party in another country

(112)

Photoshop this futuristic building

(77)

Overwhelming majority of people in Britain willing to give up freedom in fight against terror, including agreeing to compulsory ID cards, warrantless wiretapping and house arrest for unconvicted terror suspects

(224)

New study finds that senior citizens growing more likely live below the poverty line. Get off my dumpster

(Digital Trends)

Study finds 65 percent of Americans spend more time with their computer than their spouse

Tue January 23, 2007:

# of Comments

Italian court : As long as you don't make a profit, downloading music, movies and software over the Internet is legal

(259)

Why does America's aging water system hate Americans?

School bans the patriotic cheer "USA! USA!" because students complained it was a insult

(164)

Russian shipping company hit with $23,000 littering fine after throwing a plastic bag overboard

Columnist surprised that PBS censored the nipples of an old woman dying of cancer, as he can't imagine anyone finding it sexually appealing. Apparently, the columnist has never been on the Internet

Supreme Court overrules California sentencing guidelines. Thousands of convicted felons may be released early

(74)

Shadowy master of subterfuge E. Howard Hunt is dead at age 88. Or so you think

School bus driver angry a 5-year-old was mistakenly put on his bus, so he does the right thing and kicks him off in the middle of New York City's largest public housing project

(92)

Official POTUS SoTU discussion thread -- voting enabled for best commentary

(2656)

(Comedy Central)

"The Daily Show" presents two bitter rivals: The president vs. words in the State of the Union address (link fixed)

(Concord Monitor)

U.S. marshals try to soothe nut job and his armed supporters, all of whom are holed up in a fortified home awaiting the final showdown with the Illuminati. This should end well

(390)

Hitler's race car going up for auction and expected to break record for most expensive car ever. Suck it, Allies

Man runs red light and strikes bicyclist. Then things get weird

Wisconsin retailer shuts down website after being deluged by hate mail because employee emailed soldier to say, "We would NEVER ship to Iraq. If you were sensible, you and your troops would pull out of Iraq"

(436)

Texas court rules that linking to another site's copyrighted material is illegal and subject to damages. Now who would create a website that just offers links to other people's content? Has anyone seen something like this? Oh, DEEP-linking

(141)

Young, attractive German protesters can be hired to picket for $200

(Post Star)

Man calls police claiming he'd been assaulted by a nail gun, instead gets busted for cocaine possession. Can now resume to being nailed while in prison

Inspector general says FBI should have investigated Foley much sooner. Also finds the FBI was lying when it claimed that a watchdog group provided incomplete emails and refused to cooperate with investigators. Suck it, libs

Drunk on a plane, woman threatens to hijack it, locks herself in the bathroom, and ends up in handcuffs. Sounds like at least one Farker had an eventful weekend

If you put months into planning that $2.5 million art hiest, you may want to wait more than two days to sell the paintings back to the victim

North Fulton County, GA, again pushing for separation from city of Altanta. Naturally, it's considered racist

(177)

Travel to the U.S. is off 17 percent since 9/11 attacks, according to this article which confuses correlation with causation

"I will not be sacrificed so Karl Rove can be protected." The fabled Fitzmas may yet deliver presents to Dems for several months to come

(390)

FarkTV needs Leonardo Da Vinci paintings with dogs cleverly added in or replacing subjects. Photos will be used in upcoming episode ("DaVinci Code" spoof)

(84)

Next thing to be banned from aircraft: Inhalers

(174)

Photoshop this carrot lover

ABC news anchor Chris Cuomo, son of Mario Cuomo, narrowly avoids getting blown up in Iraq. Do these journalists know it's farkin dangerous over there?

Company sends knives though post. What could possibly go wrong?

(114)

Wyoming dog goes above and beyond the call of duty, chases mailmen off his property so frequently that post office cancels delivery to his entire street. Your dog wants canine Medal of Honor

(146)

Malls are adding space for guys to sit around and wait for their wives to shop. One patron is quoted saying, "You know what? There is NO Easter Bunny. Over there, that's just a guy in a suit"

(181)

Earth's moon destined to disintegrate. EVERBODY PANIC. In five billion years. NEVERMIND

(113)

New Braunfels, Texas, still oblivious to the fact that its entire economy is based on river tourism, implements further bans on river tourism

"ATM and credit-card fee ass rape" cited as primary reason Bank of America profits are up 47 percent

Turns out large global warming "science" organization is funded by left-wing, antibusiness radicals. By "science," we mean opinions that fit our political agenda

(789)

(Consumerist)

Looking for Anime Hentai Fuzzy Porn? Walmart has you covered at always low prices (possibly Not safe for work hentai examples, but it's on Wal-Mart.com too)

(250)

NASCAR champ caught urinating in parking garage. No word on whether he has uromysitisis or if his father's been in a red Chinese prison for 14 years

(84)

FarkTV: spoofs a recent article where people were fired for putting Holy Oil on their workmate's cubicle. They thought he was possessed

Wife of Manchester United fan gives husband a $1,000 season ticket for his 40th birthday. Four months after the season started. "His wife mustn’t know much about football," note other fans

(Ken Levine)

Blogger weaves story out of most searched-for words. Hitilarity ensues

Your "batshiat-nuts woman -- arrested when she was caught with over 150 rabbits plus dozens of dead rabbits -- is caught having stolen the seized rabbits back" story brought to you today by Hillsboro, Oregon

School in Flat Rock cancelled due to flat tires. Yet again

(25)

British pound sterling up to record high of $1.99. (British translation: Dollar down to nearly 50p, that's a googley wicket)

(109)

Women who express anger may have more heart problems. In other news, every woman everywhere has heart problems

"Girls Gone Wild" creator fined $500k for having underage girls in his video. Says "I am upset with my loss," while boarding private space shuttle to his private island where scores of topless teens await his arrival

(268)

Former CEO of Take-Two Entertainment, publisher of "Grand Theft Auto" series, suspected of back-dating stock options. Last seen throwing someone out of a car and taking off for Liberty City

(70)

Pictures of hairiest rabbits you have ever seen in your entire life. These are rabbits?

(131)

On the eve of this year's SOTU address, a reality check on how many promises from the 2006 one were kept. Which begs the question: Why watch this pack of lies at all?

(296)

(News & Observer)

Masturbating at a urinal? That's a paddlin'

(132)

MySpace users will now have Amber Alert popups of other MySpace users who've been abducted by predators they met on MySpace

Just figure this out? UN warns Iraq falling into abyss, threatens harshly worded memo

(84)

Oy vey! President of Israel to be charged with rape and abuse of power

(142)

(Post-Gazette)

Another teacher has sex with a student. This time Erie, PA is the winner. Whether or not she's hot is unknown as there are no pics. So, what good is this? It's not even from Florida,

(132)

(Fester Bestertester)

National Gorilla Suit Day is coming; go bananas

(Post Star)

Seventy-year-old man chases down, makes tackle on 19-year-old who robbed him; recovers money. Reportedly will be signed by the Detroit Lions next week

Super Bowl to cost U.S. employers $800 million, according to the Department of Pulling Numbers Out of Its Ass

If you stole a front-end loader and used it to take your girlfriend's kids to school, Idaho Falls police would like a word with you

(45)

Tag clouds of State of the Union speeches all the way back to 1802. It's amazing how often James Madison mentioned Strom Thurmond. Sounds boring but it's actually kind of funny

Embezzler splurged "on a 20-foot-tall smoke-emitting dragon called 'The Slayer,' which sported hydraulically powered wings and a booming dragon roar"

(charleston gazette)

Those "crooks" who cleaned out lottery winner Jack Whittaker's bank account and left him penniless? They got less than $50,000, and they weren't crooks

AP sends out story with a typo about North Korea's nuclear "testes"

If you helped bury a new Plymouth Belvedere under the lawn of Tulsa County Courthouse in 1957, organizers of Oklahoma's Centennial Celebration would like to talk to you

(115)

Evangelicals have the "best sex life" -- if by "best" you mean starting late, only having one partner and living in guilt your whole life

(354)

Scientists at UC Irvine have mapped fossil fuel air pollution in the United States by analyzing corn collected from nearly 70 locations nationwide, finding a kernel of truth in a maize of data

FEMA extends its status as landlord through the summer. Looks like U.S. taxpayers will be supporting Katrina victims forever

(370)

Just to underscore what a suck-ass year it was at the cinema, here are the 79th annual Academy Award nominations

(326)

Man arrested at Kazakhstan border for smuggling 500 parrots in a car. He should have been heading to Norway since they're obviously pining for the fjords

NYC newcomer gets lost in city for five days. Visitors Bureau to copyright the idea, sell "ride" tickets

Man studies weather patterns where lottery numbers are drawn, develops formula to predict numbers, wins $14 million

(M.E.N)

Parents of junior soccer team use camera flashes to distract opposition during penalty shoot-out. Hilarity ensues

Portable solar power for laptops. Finally, I can Fark in the park

TJ police issued slingshots after their guns are confiscated as part of broad corruption investigation. Sé lo que estás pensando. “Él enciende seis tiros o solamente cinco?”

Taxi drivers in Shanghai are to be issued with "spit sacks" to curb their habit of rolling down their windows and hawking into the road

(Some Tourist)

Photoshop this gigantic oyster

Man shot in head with crossbow as angry fellow driver brings across his point

Terror chief mocks Bush's Iraq plan. Why do terror chiefs hate America?

(210)

Facts and myths behind premium-grade gas

(238)

Gas station to offer "terror-free oil." No word on when greedy CEO-free oil will emerge

Guy, attacked by a 10-foot shark, tries the old "poke 'em in the eye" trick

(82)

Argentinean soccer fan sues tattoo artist who inked a penis on his back instead of team logo. What a prick

Underwear company invents pants with special filter that eliminates odor when you rip a fart in public. But really, where's the fun in that? With photo of fart pants

One of Norway's largest construction firms is so keen to hang on to its experienced workers that it's offering those over age 62 six more weeks of paid leave, in addition to the six weeks of vacation they already have

G.I. in Iraq emails Wisconsin company to inquire about purchasing sleeping mats for troops. Company responds, "We would NEVER ship to Iraq. If you were sensible, you and your troops would pull out of Iraq"

(441)

The 10 riskiest businesses to start

(93)

Peyton Manning to have X-ray on injured laser-rocket arm

Cops send out alert to be aware of a knife that can shoot five bullets and/or a gun that can stab you. Video goodness included

(102)

In court, a father admits having incestuous relationships with his three daughters, as well as offering them to a cousin and a friend for sexual favors. He then ends his plea by saying, "The Aristocrats"

(137)

(Some Becher)

Photoshop this liquified gas tank

(87)

How not to mod a car: "A-Wing" edition

(119)

Scientists claim feathered dinosaur flew like bi-plane, proving some people get paid grant money to play dungeon master

Mon January 22, 2007:

# of Comments

Google Maps tells Sydneysiders when the next aerial flyover will occur. We all know how this will end up....or what will be left hanging out

"Homeowner finds bucket of guns" - and, that's the real headline. Guess which state

2007 Top 10 weirdest USB drives

(NewsDaily)

Spaceship hovering over Iran

If Iran is on the verge of getting nuclear weapons, Bush would consider attacking Iran

(419)

(mcalesternews.com)

Yet another after-effect of ice storm 07, truck carrying radioactive materials gets carried away in a river

Bad: The media airs recordings of you favoring violent extremism over obeying Allah. Worse: It's Saudi-owned media, so you can't plausibly blame Zionist Nazis. Fark: You respond with bombs

Hugo Chavez angrily refuses to pay Verizon market price for its share of Venezuelan telephone company. Verizon yawns, goes back to counting its $7 billion, and wishes Chavez the best with the "whole communist thing"

(242)

Another hot teacher gets sweet plea deal after inappropriate contact with student. Submitter laments fact that his teachers were not hot (w/ pic)

(149)

Graduating police officer refuses to shake hands with chief of police. Pink slip, right? Nope, not when you're a member of the Religion of Peace™

(693)

Feds fear Lake Cumberland dam about to break, catastrophic flooding in KY and TN. EVERYBODY PANIC. Actual Article: "Corps spokesman Bill Peoples said failure of the dam was not imminent"

"We are overwhelmed by you (expletive deleted) Americans," - Exasperated emergency-room physician at a Canadian hospital across the border. We are Canada's Mexicans

(406)

(Financial Times)

Actual headline: Clinton and Obama campaigners trade insults. Actual article: They said nothing about each other

(Some Perv)

Man arrested for taking inappropriate photographs of women at Australian Open, told to fap to the publicly available pictures of Maria Sharapova like everyone else

Masturbation set to music on Broadway rubs some the wrong way

Bare-bones London studio apartment, with no electricity or heat, selling for $335,000. But hey, at least you get quality dental care, year-round sunshine, and world-class cuisine

(Washington Post)

US officials want Maher Arar on the "no fly list". Arar, who was arrested and deported to Syria, claims he was tortured in custody. US asserts that if he wasn't a terrorist before, he's got a pretty good reason now

(305)

(New York Times)

Hi-def porn could be 'too real' for some. Paris Hilton thankfully unavailable for comment

(191)

Real Madrid sporting director reaffirms that Beckham will have to collect splinters in his arse for the next six months before he can off to Hollywood to become a B-movie actor

Praise the Lord, and pass the porn. Former music director at church where President Bush once worshipped, pleads guilty to child porn charges. Yup they mention Bush in the first sentence

(150)

Man gets rear-ended and then 3 men rob him. He is forced to go to 2 ATMs and give 2 robbers the cash. The 3rd robber wants cash, so man goes to a third ATM tells the man to wait in the truck. Third ATM conviently located at Police Station

Boeing wins $5.3 billion order for 39 planes. In related airline news, Airbus CEO finds half-euro coin under the cushion of his couch

Photoshop these mixed reactions to a flying tennis racquet

(The American People)

It's that time of year again. Here's the 2007 State of the Union drinking game rules. Tune in tomorrow after the speech to see who wins

All Houston Intercontinental Airport traffic grounded as FBI checks Continental Airlines flight for bomb. Thankfully, all copies of "Material Girls" were destroyed before anybody was seriously hurt

Drummer from Snow Patrol breaks his arm snowboarding. No word on whether the real snow patrol was called

If pulled over for driving drunk and asked have you been drinking tonight, the proper response is not "What didn't I have?"

Princeton University not increasing tuition next year. That clunking sound you hear is the collective jaw-dropping of the administration at the other 7 Ivy League colleges

Drudge siren: ABC News reporting that documents seized in Iraq reveal Sunni insurgent plan for attack in US. EVERYBODY PANIC. In related news, Fark BS news detector pegged at 99% on this one

(479)

(Quad City Times)

If you're a teenager who smokes pot, the University of Iowa would like to meet you. Bonus: All expenses-paid trip to Iowa City. Double Bonus: You have to tell your parents

(558)

Seattle grandpas can now get their "cough syrup" on Sundays

25% of Russians admit to indulging in sexy time while behind the wheel

(90)

Purse-snatcher returns woman's belongings after she sends her stolen cell phone 21 touching text messages begging for it back. Thief includes handwritten note vowing to change his ways

Why Yorkshire terriers are now the second-most popular dog in USA. Your dog wants a recount

(238)

(Millennium Radio)

"No name calling" week begins at Jersey schools today, you big poopiehead

Reporter scores interview with MO kidnapper by posing as relative. His motive: "I guess you could say I was lonely. All my friends starting getting married and having kids"

(Some reader)

Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is fighting a government plan to publish edited versions of his writings. Wants to preserve more than 40,000 pages so the public can read the material in its rawest form

Tow truck driver who passed away honored with procession of 40 tow-trucks

Beachcombers at site of stricken ship in Devon organise salvage party to recover washed up goods and arrange their handover to authorities. Only kidding..they’re nicking things like there’s no tomorrow

Baristas discover that business really picks up when they dress like hootchies

(254)

Lose weight and heal thyself with God's own diet plan. "It's kind of grassy"

Woman named 'Darling' refused citizenship because government believes people would ridicule her name

(112)

If someone emails you to tell you that "Castro Is Dead", you might not want to open it. Get your news from always-reliable Fark instead

Czechs give go-ahead for US 'stars wars' base, only to find themselves overrun by fat angry teddy bears with spears

Middle East historians believe the only way for violence in Iraq to end is for one side to win, and by one side, they mean one of the Iraqi sides

Teacher who was the backup to Christa McAuliffe more than 20 years ago finally getting her own shot at a space shuttle explosion

Woman watching 'Live with Regis and Kelly' sees story about homeless man sued for $1,000,000. "Hold on, that's my 'dead' husband."

With gay marriage defeated, eyes turn to ban on opposite sex cohabitation

(147)

Pittsburgh farking NEEDS another farking FARK party....so let's hear it....where, when.....let's make this happen....lgt previous thread

He giveth, and he taketh away. Man who promised high school kids $100,000 in scholarships, reneges on the deal

(wsoctv.com)

Woman passes out behind wheel, drives 8 miles before plunging into river. Payne Stewart unavailable for comment

Teenagers with unwanted pregnancies are just as careful with contraception as adults are. Unlikely tag explodes through condom and impregnates ironic tag

Triumph of marketing over facts: Fiji Water, a branded version of a commodity that falls from the sky, selling well at five times the price of gasoline

(173)

Mascara for men is now available on the high street. Woman up, Nigel

Like you, I drink yogurt from a tube

The strangest love triangle you will hear today: middle aged woman poses as 18-year-old on the internet, provoking a rivalry between two men that leads to one shooting the other

New book claims that Pope John Paul consider quitting early but Cardinal George Ringo convinced him to stay

Today's accidental porn showing on network television brought to you by China

Airline kicks 3-year-old girl off flight for crying too much

(1223)

(TIL)

Store orders youth to remove his hooded sweatshirt fearing he might be in a gang. "He's only two-and-a-half," objects grandmother who was carrying him at the time. "I don't think he's going to rob you"

Cheesemaker appeals for return of equipment in caerphilly-worded statement. Brie on the lookout, edam well wants it back

(79)

England hit by worst storms in 17 year, so thieves take advantage by looting stores, stealing cars and robbing people, right? Wrong. "In a 24 period embracing the worst of the weather, there was not one reported crime," say police

UN steps in to end the great poppadum debate, will release official international standards for its production. No really they are - you just can't make this stuff up

Private-eyes paid public funds to have paid non-private sex, videotape it actually

Asylum seekers in the UK are to get trapeze lessons funded by the taxpayer

(23)

Woman adopts new parents after feuding with her biological ones and wants you to know that you can do the same

India has a sucessful mission for reusable spacecraft. This is a big boost for curry craving aliens

(30)

Overworked Kenyan police are responsible for nearly three-quarters of the country's gunshot deaths because it's easier to shoot suspects than it is to arrest them. Seriously, that's the real reason

(WGAL)

Burglar breaks into home, orders five adult pay-per-view movies. Police say it's pretty clear he came in the back door

(28)

Rare snowstorm catches Arizona by surprise, not giving residents enough time to denude grocery stores of bread and milk

Pet shop owner creates beer for dogs (with photo). PETA initially confused, checking vast database of "moral outrages" to choose from

Breaking: Iran bars 38 atomic inspectors from the IAEA. You know, the ones they invited to see the not nuclear weapons they're not working on. No reason given, except it's "not based on race"

(187)

Study blames 'car karma' for accident rate. Ranks your likelyhood of car accidents and traffic tickets based on your astrological sign. Hint: Tell your insurance company you are a Libra

Photoshop these spoon holders

During a dispute do you A) punch a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old in the face, B) attempt to drag a woman from her car, or C) ask arresting officers where they live so you can molest their wives? This overachiever goes for D) All of the above

(134)

Student wins Georgia spelling bee championship by correctly spelling 'platipus'

(140)

Study finds breakfast in bed can lift your morning blues. Ask your wife to make you one and see if her peals of hysterical laughter don't lift your spirits

(81)

(Roanoke Times)

What evangelical program has converted over 400,000 people through its ministry? Why, Karate for Christ, of course

Parents try to save future generations from 'My Super Sweet 16'

(328)

Sometimes even Google is too proud to ask for directions. Don't forget to count the U-turns

(133)

Ex-POW Jessica Lynch has a 7-lb. baby girl, which is immediately declared a hero by Fox News for its daring escape

(138)

Drunk driver still blames everyone else. Yep, that includes the 76-year old deaf man he ran over, who "wasn't where he should have been."

(spiegel.de)

The Vatican is the nation with the highest per capita crime rate in the world. I knew those nuns looked shifty

Photoshop this garden troll-viking

(south bend tribune)

This guy doesn't just believe in flying saucers, he built one. "His work caught the attention of NASA, which invited him to a conference where engineers scratched their heads when he confessed he knew nothing about computers."

(116)

January 22 called "the most miserable day of the year" by pseudo experts desperate to see their names in the media and the media who are happy to oblige them

Study finds hopping on one leg 50 times a day can help women stave off osteoporosis, land Paul McCartney as their next husband

Film about beastiality debuts at Sundance. Your dog wants to be friends. Just. Friends. Got it?

Pics of a 1938 Chevrolet Business Coupe being restored after it was found sitting in a Kansas barn for sixty years

More proof that the English no longer speak it: "Hamster crash video mystery"

Australian flag banned from display at music festival, deemed racist toward minorities and offensive to native aborigines

In an attempt to get on the news and make large amounts of cash, a group of scientists forego AIDS research to discover that you can identify what part of the brain makes someone selfish

(NewMessenger)

Dog angry about not getting steak decides to eat a quarter of a bottle of heavy-duty glue

Flower shop robbed. Again. For the 30th time in 3 years

Shop owner attempts to sue 4 homeless people for $1 million dollars

(87)

Most notable quote of 2006? You be the decider

Pasta and milk intolerance are the root cause of ill health for almost half the population...according to a charity standing ready to help