Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-12-10 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Awesome gallery of incredibly intricate origami

(4)

(Some Chinese)

Most scary mountain path you'll see in your entire. It may also be the last mountain path you'll see in your life

(Slow Gnus Day)

1.5 million wildebeests migrating in Africa. It's not gnus, it's Fark.com

(New Zealand Herald)

Pool closed after water polo players become ill. No word on the condition of the horses

(Some Old Guy)

Photoshop this bumpy ball

(Gothamist)

US Freedom Tower Beams forged in Luxembourg, reinforced in Germany. So much for a symbol of America

Farker was at a party and met a man without bellybutton. WTF is up with that?

(122)

(News4Jax.com)

Florida's govenor-elect cancels inaugural ball, says he wants to donate the money they were going to spend on it to charity instead

(156)

(BSAlert.com)

A methodist pastor in Iowa is making the children in his church push a life-sized, cardboard cutout of Jesus around the mall to demonstrate the idea of "taking Jesus with you wherever you go." Jesus' favorite store? Pottery Barn

(102)

Man in wheelchair suffering from chronic pain gets twenty-five years in jail for oxycontin prescription tampering. Rush Limbaugh, Noelle Bush nod heads in agreement with justice well-served

How the portrayal of Jesus went from a brown-skinned Semitic Jew, to fair-skinned, flaxen-haired white European

(325)

Kazakhstan to build entire city inside giant tent, hopes to have construction completed in time for 2007 Running of the Jew Festival (pic)

(73)

Why family members hate the gifts we buy them. Reason #1. We aren't mind readers

Man rescued after spending 4 days "reverse amontilladoed" behind 7ft tall wall of bagged feces and bottled urine. Whiskey..tango

(86)

USA to spray forty percent of Afghanistan's GDP with Roundup

Townsfolk in Ilinois are in dispute over who gets the noose that went around the neck of the person last publicly hanged. It's not noose, it's Fark.com

"Shuttle astronauts wake to Beatles tune." It's not news, it's Yahoo.com

(KUTV)

6,000 USPS letters and packages destroyed by cow. Apparently was in a bad mooood

Names for 33 things you never knew had names

(173)

The good news is that this guy is now back to normal. The bad news is that it took doctors seven hours to get him there. The really bad news is that they spend those seven hours reattaching his penis

Prison inmate wants to ban guards wearing Santa hats because it makes prison less fun at Christmas

Before you and your friends celebrate your $35 million jackpot because the numbers you play every week came up, make sure Dummy McDumbass in the group actually played the numbers that week

Photoshop these cheeseheads enjoying the snow

Kentucky high school is completely decorated with confederate flags and other memorabilia. Here is what Tiffany Owens has to say, "To us it's not about the hatred...I have colored friends around here and they never say anything."

(475)

Pinochet dead at age 91. Geppetto heartbroken

(351)

Newspapers discovering it's difficult to charge readers money for content that some bastards put on the Internet for free

Time Warner suing DirecTV because, "once customers switch from cable to satellite, it is difficult to convince them to switch back because of the costs involved and lengthy contracts." No shiat, huh?

(224)

(kgw.com)

Upset over driving 100mph without getting pulled over, man rams unattended police car--twice. Somehow, GTA is not blamed...yet

Mothballed Soviet-era prison in Latvia proving a surprisingly popular attraction for tourists who are treated like prisoners by guards pretending to be sadistic Russians

(American Decency Association)

If you could pick one song for aliens to stumble upon, which one would it be?

(597)

(Haaretz)

Electric power is joining the list of products that come with certification they are kosher. Your local Rabbi is shocked, SHOCKED

(98)

"The women used their bodies to lure and entice while the camera focused in on barely covered crotches and breasts, mostly bare bottoms, and cleavage"

(217)

Japanese women are practicing a new trend called kakure kyonyu, which roughly translates as "conceal your big boobies."

(134)

(Daily Tech)

Step 1: Pay $75,000 in fines for illegal Internet file sharing. Step 2: Sue creator of illegal Internet file sharing software. Step 3: Profit

Kids today are so farking lazy that the newest rage is wearing pajamas to school

(164)

(KOIN)

If you're having a bad day, it may help to think to yourself "Hey, at least I didn't get stabbed in the face with a crossbow". Unless you're that guy in Oregon who did get stabbed in the face with a crossbow

Dragon appears in Jilin Province

(Haaretz)

"Hamas promises $50,000 to dress up Bethlehem for Christmas". Hopefully they don't think of the town as female, as it might wake up Christmas morning under a giant sheet

(The Wallet Test)

100 wallets, containing $2.10 in real money, a fake $50.00 gift certificate, some miscellaneous items and a clearly written ID card, dropped in front of hidden cameras to test humanity's honesty. Let's watch the results

(229)

(Bermuda Sun)

Tidal wave rumor caused turmoil in Bermuda. EVERYBODY PANICKED

(16)

Fiji coup leaders are reduced to running wanted ads to fill cabinet posts in their new government

Santa hands out $100 bills; Much better than forcing his way down your chimney to stuff your stocking

Photoshop this game of snooker

"Asked if he was drunk, he is claimed to have said: 'I'm the Bishop of Southwick, it's what I do.'"

14-year-old boy jumped to his death because he believed in reincarnation and thought he would do better in another life. Too bad that's just a temporary solution to a permanent problem

(189)

China reports that pandas are no longer an endangered species. I wonder how they taste barbecued

(71)

If a rapist threatens to rape your daughter, don't kill him. The state may consider you a 'danger to others' and put your kid in foster care

(222)

Seatac airport removes Christmas trees after one person complains. Santa's flight delayed indefinitely

(187)

Caption this guy and his fire hydrant

(Citizen Times)

North Carolina teen won't let blindness stop him from hunting. Your dog wants an orange vest

2006 chocolate gift guide

Sat December 09, 2006:

# of Comments

Riccardo Romeroni reports: Pope supports public displays of religious symbols

(58)

Photoshop this otter

Televised Open University programs will come to an end in Britain next week after more than 30 years of lulling drunken Brits to sleep with 5 a.m. lectures on particle physics and hydrocarbon bonds

More proof that we need to destroy the sun before it destroys us: solar storm so powerful it made buildings catch on fire

(KOIN News 6)

Mother a salts popcorn eating son. You submitted this with a butter headline

7 wonders of each of the 50 states

(362)

Space Shuttle Discover reaches orbit after first successful night launch in over 4 years. Suck it, Shuttle haterz

Test your world geography knowledge

(221)

TSA may let non-fliers go to gate

(132)

(The Desert Sun)

Local astronomers complain about giant 100,000 candlepower cross

(120)

Keep an eye on the bass player

(363)

Realtor offers free Glock with home purchase in ... well, that'd be Texas

(142)

If your family gets mad at you and locks you out of the house, don't try to go down the chimney to get back in. I know, Santa does it every year, but he uses magic dust

(The Local)

Nine people get food poisoning after eating at a buffet during a food safety conference

Criminal gangs paying for IT students to become hackers

(Dallas Morning News)

12 year-old says "No" to sales tax by quoting precedence of Smith & Wesson v. Your Ass

(132)

Photoshop this trolley

(Codependent Collegian)

University of Michigan student leads fight for "butt cleavage rights"

(106)

Officials are shocked, shocked I tell you, when "significant" amounts of cocaine, amphetamines and other drugs are found at an "elite" school. Because drugs are only for dumb and poor kids

(111)

Real-estate "cells" pitch: Two-bedroom suites, excellent security, laundry service and no mandatory credit or background checks. Welcome to CCI Estates

Middle East cruise offers fantastic views, slow-moving target

Florida to make beating up hobos a hate crime

(110)

(Celeb Photo Direct)

"Singer" Mariah Carey is suing porn star Mary Carey over the likeness of names. Farkers likely to rally behind the Carey that made 'Double Air Bags 11' (pics)

Charlie Brown Christmas as performed by the Cast of Scrubs

(Star News Online)

Woman tells boyfriend about her high-paying job. The part she left out: she's a burglar... and married

(World News Australia)

Extremely drunken Australian pilot jailed after trying to fly his plane while being seven times over the legal limit for drunkenness. That's Australian drunkenness, mind you

(AutoMotoPortal)

The Continental Divide: The Most Popular Cars by Continent

(83)

Blood-sucking chupacabra goes on rampage in Russian villages

The UK is lacking in business skills, nunchuck skills, computer hacking skills

Police in Texas are hunting for a 35-foot tall inflatable gorilla in blue boxer shorts which has been stolen

(36)

The fir trade is not as evil as some might think

Some people MADD as hell that 81 cents of every dollar donated to the charity goes into the pockets of the people running it

(190)

(The Chronicle Herald)

Booze No. 1 drug used in date rapes. Ric Romero silent in stunned disbelief

(193)

Garbagemen forbidden to wear Santa hats in December because they don't look "professional"

(Soft Serve News)

Hey, who done lit up the sky? Aurora Borealis Tonight

10 great books to get your kids for the holidays

Cheney takes hunting trip in SC, fails to shoot companions in face. Yes, this qualifies as news now

Top 10 best bachelor party destinations

(dailycomet)

South Carolina woman shoots herself after mistaking pistol for cigarette lighter

Not News: Schools offer free breakfast to students, News: Officials' hard work results in more kids than ever eating a free breakfast, Fark.com: Officials are serving breakfast for grades, not for the students

(130)

And you thought "No Child Left Behind" couldn't get worse: schools behind bars, home to juvenile murderers with barely 2nd grade educations, are required to comply. Sad tag lets Asinine take this one

(90)

(Some Horny Guy)

Scientist develops musical condoms. Still no cure for cancer

(Whedon-skew)

Not news: Due to unforseen circumstances, exclusive Firefly convention is canceled. News: Firefly fans turn up anyway. Hero tag: And so do the actors

(204)

D.C. attorneys argue that the Second Amendment right to bear arms applies only to militias, not individuals

(483)

(Fox Sports)

Bengals are considering adding a new position to their staff: Bail Bondsman

The Top 10 retail trends for the holiday season

(38)

(Chicago Tribune)

Court rules woman who was shot by some asshat at Taco Bell can sue the restaurant for lax security

Photoshop this twisted soccer player

(58)

20 things you didn't know about rats

(101)

The 10 coolest Lego creations

(86)

Corby in Northamptonshire named "Britain's official yob capital." Edinburgh, Glasgow demand recounts

(81)

Fri December 08, 2006:

# of Comments

Photoshop these dancers on chairs

Famous two-legged dog from Kentucky dies, will have to get to doggie heaven using the escalator

"Churches in Britain are a “toxic cocktail” of bullying and terror, as parish priests struggle to lead congregations dominated by neurotic worshippers who spread havoc with gossip and manipulation"

All of Santa's Letters that go to North Pole, Alaska, actually get opened up and looked at by elves

The moderators put up with a hell of a lot of crap taking care of things here. If you feel like giving them a small token of appreciation (or a Badonk a donk tank) clicky the link

(239)

Review of Calvin Klein's new $2,000 leather T-shirt: "It is mercilessly unforgiving: my small but burgeoning paunch filled it in much the same way that sausagemeat fills its casing. For another, it looks spectacularly gay"

(111)

(Wluctv6.com)

Art therapy program helps children affected by substance abuse. I guess drawing pictures of daddy crying in the bathroom is some how therapeutic

When preparing for a day of intensive shoplifting be sure to include a belt for your pants

Jesus stolen from Nativity scene, replaced with beer can. Police announce: "Every FARKer in New Hampshire is now considered a suspect"

(98)

Drug smugglers using cocaine torpedoes to sneak dope into Canada. Police watching for hash grenades, ecstasy missiles and the fearsome peyote daisycutter

Three fetuses in a dead woman's ice chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

(121)

Fire at a Moscow hospital kills 42. At least they weren't poisoned

Bank of America may be buying Barclay's. British farkers: Be prepared for a world of suck

Parents bring in live cougar to entertain at children's birthday party. This ends pretty much how you'd expect

(200)

Behold the power of the Schwarz . Employee all get equal bonus regardless of position $12,500

(133)

(Some Geek)

High school yearbook refuses to show student's photo showing him in chain mail coat with a broadsword. School may use transmutation spell to crop out the sword

(189)

'Truthiness' named Word Of The Year. No lie

(Some Hot Waitress)

The Heart Attack Grill, now has one more reason to make your blood pressure rise: Naughty Nurse Waitresses

Morning crew DJs canned for playing "I Farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink for Me)" one too many times

(118)

Either this is a tiny fellow or those are mighty big windows. Photoshop 'em

(77)

Shots fired, possible hostage situation in progresss in Chicago office building. John McClane en route

(212)

Illegal immigrants added $18 billion to Texas' economy last year

(256)

So when the Cambodian hooker that you've paid $1.20 to have sex with tells you to use a condom, you use the condom. They tend to get all stabby if you don't

(131)

Scotland considers birth control for squirrels after concluding they are "over-cute and over-sexed"

(82)

"Weed arrested for marijuana possession." Blunt police statement says Weed's going in the joint. Hope there are no roaches in his cell

The 7 kids' health myths every mom should ignore

(171)

(Some Volvo Nut)

Think the million mile Saab is impressive? Irv's '66 Volvo P1800 has over 2.5 million miles on it, and he ain't done with it yet. Your dog wants a Swedish car

(166)

We didn't make an OJ Simpson Bronco chase sculpture out of nickel. But if we were going to, this is how we'd do it

(26)

(The Local)

Swedish police finally get through 20 year supply of toilet paper after ordering error. "There were times when we thought we weren't going to make it," says sore-assed officer

Senior citizen pistol whips robber. Tells him to get off his lawn

Chelsea Clinton and her fiancee. Power, romance, Nigerian Scams...wait....what?

(167)

Canadian air force changes physical standards in order to admit more women

(102)

Romanian women to be fined if they are not virgins when they get married

(103)

Drunk British women will kick the crap out of you

Pretty much anything can kill your baby. Even sleeping. How the hell do we continue to survive as a species?

(87)

US Pilots charged in Brazillian plane crash, claim they couldn't find any landing strip

Family uses same Christmas tree for 120 years, beating your family's fruitcake record

Colorado state computer may have overpaid welfare recipients $98 million in last two years. Oopsie

(87)

(Daily Record)

German brewer releases first beer with label in Braille for those times when you want to get blind, stinking drunk

New hope for people with Spinal Cord Injuries -- Christopher Reeve's therapy helps 3 year old boy walk again

(91)

India to citizens: stop spitting on our monuments. Thank you

Woman receives her engagement ring in the mail just two hours after learning her fiancee died in Iraq

(222)

Unemployment office bans Christmas decorations in case tinsel upsets the jobless

(The State)

Let's see here...I'm out on bail after raping a disabled kid. I wonder how I could get it revoked...I know I'll send his family a letter telling them how I plan to kill them

(215)

Video resumes gaining acceptance with employers, allowing them to figure out if guys named Derrick are company material or black

70-year old woman arrested for stalking 79-year old man

(27)

Some tips on how to mingle at a party where you know absolutely no one

(235)

Terrorist planning to attack Chicago arrested, couldn't take the Foie Gras ban any more

(108)

Ignoring the demand for Crunchy Frogs, Hershey tries the next best thing: the Elvis Peanut Butter Cup, thank you very much

(Business Week)

Best Buy corporate offices decide to let employees show up and leave whenever the hell they want

(123)

Fark's 2006 Headline of the Year contest, Round 4: October through December. (Details in thread)

(127)

Malaysian state backs down on 'sexy' outfit ban. With pic of an excellent example of what they were bothered by

(302)

Coolest concept cars you'll see all week

(116)

40-foot-tall blue spruce cut, stolen in dead of night. Clark W. Griswold wanted for questioning

Not News: Hackers Crack Microsoft VISTA Really Not News: Took less than a month. Fark: MS claims this is proof that they needed arsine registration system in the first place

(277)

Dissatisfaction with handling of Iraq war hits new high of 71%

(448)

If you bought a piece of lunar real estate, now would be a good time to ask for your money back. Good luck with that

(116)

Teenagers in Wales say they are smoking heroin because cannabis is almost impossible to buy

16% of socially inept teens use IM-ing to dump someone

(172)

(HamptonRoads.com)

Governor of Virginia receiving telephone calls from century-old ghost

In the worst news to hit India since curry flavored cologne, condoms are too big for most Indians. No, his God does not want a peanut...it's too big

(179)

British police issue warning over stretch limos: in addition to making you look like a mouth-breathing prat, it might break in two

Toys "L" Us opens first store in China

(203)

What do you get when you put a concealed camera in a police station?

(159)

University of Georgia to Christian frat: Our bad, of course you can discriminate for religious reason (we just hope the Muslims don't find out)

(256)

(myfoxorlando.com)

Wesley Snipes arrested at Orlando Airport. Free advice: don't always bet on black

(145)

Geese seen flying in asymetrical 'V', causes oil prices to climb above $63/barrel

Good news: Employers boost payrolls by 132,000. Bad news: Mostly low-income retail jobs. Fark: Of which about 85% are expected to be laid off in January

(81)

News: Norwegian Royalty needs bodyguards 24/7 due to stalkers. Fark: Hot Norwegian MILF Princess apparently was not guarded 24/7 up to this point

"Tragic day in history" continues: December 8th, 2005. Fark reminisces about tragic events. Post "where you were" stories when you posted "where you were" stories last year

(183)

Firefly MMORPG on the way. I'll be in my bunk

(225)

Court ruling that towns have the right to use eminent domain to seize property from developers and set it aside for open space brought to you by (where else?) NJ

(107)

Man swears sunken research vessel used to determine if Tampa Bay was really The Garden of Eden doesn't belong to him anymore

This just in...Hurricane Season 2007 Hype has officially begun

Photoshop these happy children

Man rescues stranger, discovers it's his wife, continues rescuing her anyway

This year's ice sculptures from Harbun, China

(Some loungecore fan)

To observe the 26th anniversary of John Lennon's death, Internet radio station is playing easy-listening versions of Beatles tunes all day

(Some Award Site)

Vote for Fark - Fark the Vote Aaaaahhhhhh!! They're catching us

(701)

14 odd deep-fried foods

NYC Bans Science

(409)

Teen accidentally shoots self in class

High school assistant principal in charge of discipline arrested for being under the influence of cocaine after calling police because the hooker he hired stole from him. Hypocrisy surrenders

Wild horses couldn't drag me away but wild elephants are another story

Japanese supreme court denies hospital permission to use "mammary gland" in name

Drug maker develops chewable contraceptive, for women who don't like to swallow. Pills, that is

German minister seeks law mandating jail time for violent game developers, publishers, and players- because Germany never had a history of violence before video games appeared on the scene

(94)

Three ugly-ass tiger cubs born at Sacramento Zoo. With slideshow goodness

If you buy only one holiday decoration this year, it pretty much has to be this replica of Charlie Brown's Christmas tree

The new hotness in fashion are "free trade" blue jeans, made from cotton bought from impoverished African growers. "We wanted to turn shopping into an act of solidarity," said director general Smuggy McHippie

(121)

"This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice." - Supreme Court Justice to a guy who got 55 years in PMITA prison for selling pot

(262)

(KXXV)

4 -year-old Accused of Improperly Touching Teacher

(152)

German fellow trapped on the bottom of jacuzzi by enormous suckage, dies. Authorities suspect he accidentally dropped in a Rammstein CD

Ever wonder what happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the past 40 years? They are now at Atlanta's Center for Puppetry Arts

Thirteen-year-old drinks beer from Bat-Thermos on school bus. Unlikely candidate for next Robin

"Woman ticketed by police after a friend was talking on a cell phone outside her home following BBQ is in jail for violating city's noise ordinance." Can I have a Venn Diagram here?

Woman decides flight is too quiet, gives birth to screaming baby at 35,000 feet

Design a 2006 news-themed menorah or ornament for an NPR holiday contest. Steve Irwin, anyone?

The coolest movie trailer you will see all day (new link)

(326)

Cops dressed as elf giving out speeding tickets in Orange County. Merry farkin' Christmas to you too (pic)

Skyscraper near Ground Zero to come down. Experts considered having airliners fly into it, but decided that wouldn't be enough to melt the steel supports

(490)

Thu December 07, 2006:

# of Comments

Judge who wrongly jailed 11 people gets fired. If he had wrongly jailed just 10, he would have been fine, but Icarus here had to see how close to the sun he could fly

(Break.com)

Fred Phelps' crowd gets chased away from a military funeral. With wonderful video goodness

(465)

(wane.com)

Ohio smoking ban takes effect

(769)

Live feed from NASA TV - watch the shuttle launch... meh. Scrubbed

(358)

Prince Charles vows to reduce his own greenhouse gas emissions by swapping his gas-guzzling private planes and helicopters for commercial flights, trains and his horse

IT'S. A. BIG. AD. A. VERY. BIG. AD

(170)

For one day only, New York City won't smell like taxi exhaust, hot dogs and homeless-person poo

Fake cop tails police detectives, tells them to "slow it down" over PA. What could possibly go wrong?

If a woman was pregnant at 14 and divorced by 18, is she most likely to be: A) On welfare? B) A hooker? C) D.C.'s next chief of police?

(170)

Women spend 322 hours getting ready for Christmas, with 288 hours of that spent shopping

Judge orders woman to walk downtown streets wearing sign reading "I AM A THIEF"

(225)

There is never a good reason to put cologne on your balls

(382)

It happens at least once every year, but it never gets less meaningful: Rare coin worth $14,000 dropped into Salvation Army kettle

Mastercard sucessfully argues that losing World Cup sponsorship deal to rival bottom-dwelling bloodsucker Visa would be priceless

Off-course, frostbitten little brown pelican. Can he get home again? You bet the helican

(52)

(charleston daily mail)

Elementary teacher uses bi-racial student as exhibit "A" in discussion of skin color, and then tells class she was adopted. Bonus points: Student didn't know that last part

Court orders New Delhi officials to end the reign of monkey terror there

Drunk, cycling, and lying about being mugged by a gang (so your wife doesn't get mad that you ran into a light post) is no way to go through life, Fritz

FYI: there are no churches offering nude, co-ed baptisms

Russia hears NASA is going to the Moon. Asks for ride, offers gas money and snacks for the trip

More judges packing pistols in courtrooms: "Guns are like lawyers: Better to have one and not need it than need one and not have it"

Japan is interested in building nukes. What will their nukes look like?

(99)

Disney Broadway actor accused of showing a 15 year old Beauty his Beast

Remember the quiet discussion we all had when Dubai Ports World was going to operate our ports? Well guess what: They're baaaaaaack

After two billion rides without an incident, New York MTA is thinking about banning booze from Long Island trains. Ridership expected to plummet; after all, who would go to Long Island sober?

(Some Lucky Kid)

Dear Penthouse, you're never going to believe this, but we were on a field trip away from school for the day...

(327)

(WFAA)

Pregnant woman sees four men stealing her Christmas decorations. Hits one with baseball bat. Fark: His three buddies are across the street yelling "Hey, batter, batter"

(WSMV)

Stuffed rattlesnake and frozen potatoes edge out hot cocoa sampler box this year

Holiday advertisers seek coveted "dicktard" demographic

(80)

Cop tasers cop when he discovers the latter canoodling with his wife

(192)

Self-guided investors generally beat those who use financial advisors

(182)

(heraldonline.com)

Man loses wedding ring during visit to farm, which is found two months later in haystack. Needle unavailable for comment

(New Zealand Herald)

Today's "armed robber taking off his mask right in front of a security camera" story brought to you by New Zealand

(7)

Georgia ninja waits for government apology. The ninja has patience

(80)

School, threatened with lawsuit, agrees to distribute church flyers through its "backpack mail" notification system. Local Christians overjoyed. Until the pagans start using it too. Now, not so much

(502)

When deciding to steal a bus from your local transit service, try to avoid one with GPS tracking

(12)

(WAVY)

Fire breaks out at Ohio mall. Firefighters have to block the door to stop more shoppers coming in

(45)

Man finds $10,000 on college campus. After 10 years and 3,581 doughnut runs, police determine he can keep the money

Man secretly replaces the Christ in Christmas with a crucified effigy of Santa in his yard. Let's see if anybody notices

Quebec authorities break up poaching ring which used a helicopter to drive moose toward millionaire hunters for easy shooting

(Some RR Star)

Chief Ric Romero on string of tire-slashings: "It's obviously someone with a sharp object"

What would Jesus do? Why, sue the University of Georgia for discrimination, that's what

(283)

Italy moves to make it illegal for designers to display their clothes on bags of antlers

(139)

Fifty teens rush a farmer's market with knives and bats, kill one and injure others. Senior citizens at the scene quoted as saying, "Hey, that's our gig"

Boy nearly loses head in terrible accident. Doctors amazed at recovery, new facination with swords, Scottish accent, muttering something about "there can be only one..."

(167)

Students at Canadian university vote to ban student anti-abortion groups from campus. Because there's no reason to be exposed to opinions you disagree with just because you're at university

(1022)

Policemen suspended for watching porn at work when they should have been watching policewoman groping other officers

(23)

NJ asks Taco Bell to toss its salad

McDonald's to test *gasp* REAL meat in California restaurants

(128)

(skynews)

The world's oldest third grader

(wvec.com)

PETA sinks to a new low by running a commercial about toddler killed by dog without the family's permission

(221)

Fark's 2006 Headline of the Year contest, Round 3: July through September. (Details in thread)

Man hits deer, ties it to the hood of his car and promptly runs into police cruiser. Officials are mystified as to what could have been obstructing his view

The top five best (or worst) scams around today, including "Rental Scam," "Mustard Dip Scam," "Wifi Hack" and the good old favorite "WMDs In Iraq"

(112)

(Businessweek)

Barbie and Co. declare war on the Bratz, unleash most fearsome weapon in their arsenal: Ken's lawyer dad

McDonald's is enforcing their fast-food status, fines family £125 for taking to long to eat their meal

(106)

Cop -- suspended for sending nude photo of himself to a suspect -- says, "It's not my fault. She did it first"

(Mail)

Britain "has the highest number of reported tornadoes for its land area of any country in the world." Suck it, Kansas

(59)

(Some UK Chick)

You're caught shoplifting. Do you: A) Give up and deal with it? B) Blame someone else? Or Fark) Pull your pants down and crap over the fence? With (female) pic goodness. (Not safe for work-ish)

(133)

National survey of department store Santas finds 90 percent get beards pulled daily, 60 percent are sneezed or coughed on up to 10 times a day, and a third have been wet on

Iraq Study Group: The U.S. has been under-reporting the amount of violence in Iraq. By a factor of 10

(457)

Pearl Harbor survivors gather today for 65th and final reunion

(263)

(Some Brit)

UK dental system in crisis with dentists leaving the profession in droves. Strangely, no one notices

Not happy with your grades this semester? Talk to the computer science prof. Don't forget to bring cash and booze

(23)

First new movie theater in 60 years opens up in North Philadelphia. How do residents respond? If you said "by shooting each other," you are correct

(227)

Tornado hits North London and destroys side of house. Dorothy and Toto presumed safe in Kansas

(Ashland City Times)

Holy smoke, Batman! The Pot Cave is on fire

Man stranded on mountain in South Africa calls granddad in UK to look up local mountain-rescue team's phone number on the Web. The Internet, is there anything it can't do?

Native Americans to buy Hard Rock Cafe for $965 million in beads/trinkets

Man tries to pay for merchandise with a poorly photocopied check. Fails to notice the 80 uniformed cops in the store

The EPA will finally launch a program to clean up hazardous materials at the World Trade Center site, because having asbestos lying around a huge population center is apparently unimportant enough that it takes five years to get around to

Funeral of poisoned ex-KGB spy scheduled for today, just as soon as they can find six pallbearers willing to wear hazmat suits

(Mosnews)

Russian version of "wrap that rascal" goes horribly awry

The Religion of Peace and No Boobies wants to send the editor-in-chief of Playboy Indonesia to jail for 32 months. Apparently, some of the models had "inviting expressions on their faces"

(326)

Land of ice and snow may have neither in a 20 years

(73)

God Warrior parents kidnap daughter to stop darksided wedding

(353)

Quite obviously the best fisherman ever

Get your spouse something special this Christmas: their very own high speed limited access highway

'Automatic traffic control machines' is virtually a money press for the Norwegian goverment. Your socialist healthcare is brought to you by a speeding driver

Boot camp for teenage girls has them scrubbing floors, doing laundry, and preparing meals not as punishment, but to prepare them for married life

(148)

From the How Could This Go Wrong Department: new reality show gives Jack Osbourne, Erik Estrada, and LaToya Jackson guns

(47)

Create a totally new ID badge for the "24" farkers. Win a year of TotalFark

(135)

Gunmen kidnap 3 at Nigerian oil plant, so fill your gas tank early today

(14)

When K-Fed shows up at a book party for "The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties" it turns out he's only there for free alcohol; which, in a way, is kinda smart

(Greenville Online)

South Carolina DOT is audited, findings show they wasted millions of dollars on consultants. As a result, DOT hires financial consultants to remedy the problem

UK farkers: London Fark party, Thursday 7th December, 8pmish, Nags Head, Covent Garden. DIT. Beer's cheap. Drew will be there too (around 8pm, feel free to start earlier)

(166)

(TMZ)

Damon Wayans banned from the Laugh Factory after dropping N-bomb 15 times

(255)

Couple offers their sheep up for adoption, with can't miss selling point: "Sheep are very blase, they tend to look straight through you at the piece of grass over there"

Brazil thrilled that critics trash movie in which tourists get their organs stolen by Brazilians. As if we could get confuse Brazil with Detroit

Church prohibits family from displaying Australian flag during funeral of dead soldier

Party involving drinks, strippers and dwarf tossing results in $10-million fine. Better tone down the next Fark party

Iraqi military has a plan: As soon as the U.S. forces leave, so do they. “As soon as it happens, I will quit my job and live outside Iraq,” says one sergeant

(306)

All your medical records in one insecure database managed by pointy-haired bosses? I don't see what could go wrong

Austrian kids waiting for Santa Claus also on the lookout for hairy, horned sidekick that wards off evil spirits. Good to see Tom Arnold still getting work

Woman murders her young son deep in the Australian outback, unaware of the dingo's proficiency in child killing

(This Is London)

Given that the UK has such strict gun-control laws, it was only a matter of time before gas stations started getting robbed by gangs with samurai swords

Pharmaceutical company patents nasally administered obesity-fighting drug. The loud sound you just heard was actors and models slapping their foreheads while saying, "Well, duh"

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 83: "Gas stations and pumps"

(138)

Just when you thought everyone on the planet knew about the Nigerian email scam, another dumbass steps up and loses $200,000

Bald Elvis impersonator gets death threats because he is "showing disrespect to The King" (pic)

(Honolulu Advertiser)

Surf expected to hit 28 feet today in Hawaii, wake also expected

British study shows juries unsympathetic to women who claim rape after binge drinking. Besides, did you see what she was wearing?

(271)

Wed December 06, 2006:

# of Comments

(Some Curious Guy)

In honor of Kate Winslet's body being used to inspire the new Jaguar model, photoshop other celebrities and their associated automobile designs. The link is provided for inspiration

(151)

The National Toy Hall of Fame. How many did you have?

(334)

Fiction: A drunken teenager can tip over a sleeping cow. Fact: It would take several semi-sober people and a paralyzed cow. Fark: This will not stop drunk teens from attemping to tip cows

(Road Flares AWAYYY!)

When fans come to support the visting team, what's the only logical way to get rid of them? By throwing flares at them, of course

Just one small good thing among many to come from impending Democratic-led Congress: A smack-down on ridiculous credit-card fees

(191)

Old and busted: The war on Sudafed. The new hotness: The war on Robitussin

(210)

(Some Tinfoil Hat)

Nuclear power plant sirens to be "tested" on Thursday. Yeah, that's it, just a test

(The Age)

Australian Navy authorised to fire on illegal fisherman in response to large sharpened poles

Nigerian scammers target world's most gullible prey: "Christian churches"

(108)

(KFOR)

Having destroyed all legitimate small businesses within a 20-mile radius, an Oklahoma Wal-Mart has set its sights on the local drug dealers by stocking cheap cocaine in the toy section

Thief accused of using fishing line and hook to snag bags of cash out of night deposit vault. Southerners sneer, say real men noodle their felonies

(Sunday Gazette)

Student suspended by principal for 10 days for refusing to hang around bathrooms and become an "undercover NARC". Lawsuitarity ensues

(117)

(OK Gazette)

Man arrested after he modeled fishnet hose and a muscle shirt for passers-by, wearing nothing under them

Ad council releases new ad campaign that says being around someone who smokes all the time is like being around someone who farts all the time

Prankster leaves fake winning lottery ticket in breakroom for co-workers to find. Co-worker tries to redeem it, lies about where he got it and is charged with fraud. Pair will now split jackpot of 100 million cockpunches

"I'm not a criminal, but I did throw a live pig at employees of a Holiday Inn Express last night"

Canadian hiker brought no food or shelter and got lost in the Washington woods. But he did bring plenty of weed, so he was arrested shortly after he was rescued

(154)

Photoshop this girl on a trampoline

AP: Missing CNET editor found dead

(744)

(Businessweek)

Amazon buys a chunk of Wikia. What could possibly go wrong?

(122)

Harrod's horrid Ho-ho-ho'er handed hastily huffy heave-ho

(KTVU)

Searchers find SF man in Southern Oregon wilderness. Fox News says he died. So no one really knows at this point

(363)

Farker and wife auctioning Playstation 3 to help pay for daughter's surgery

(493)

Woman accused of littering after raking leaves into a pile

(89)

Religious committee to vote on Gay Rabbis Wednesday. Pedophile Priest Fridays and Jihad Muslim Mondays tabled for a future meeting

(Some Award Site)

Fark listed as "Best Online Community" finalist in 2006 Weblog awards. Vote early. Vote often

(110)

Thirteen-year-oldgirl has sex with twelve-year-old boyfriend, making her both a sex offender and victim of sexual assault under Utah law

(305)

British virgin spends eight months creating a dalek for his front yard, big enough for him to sit inside and insult passers-by

Hershey to make a Reeses Cup with a banana-creme layer next year. Yeah, it's all about Elvis being dead

(Washington Times)

Analysts: Bin Laden alive but hamstrung; Will miss rest of season

Fire breaks out on 101st floor of Sears Tower, reportedly by malfunctioning WEHS Channel 60 electrical television transmitter

Twenty ways to make total jackass of yourself over holidays

(Church Hopping)

The 10 weirdest bible verses. Deuteronomy 23:1 might make you twist in your seat

(1113)

NASA: New study of photographs taken from orbit suggests liquid water flowed on surface -- as recently as several years ago. Or, it's oil. U.S. to announce invasion plans to liberate the Nartian people

(150)

The remains of St. Paul have been unearthed, not suprising found just across the river from the remains of Minneapolis

(38)

Fark's 2006 Headline of the Year contest, Round 2: April through June (Details in thread)

Woman calls police to say she was hit by a beer bottle. Five weeks ago

Katrina money squandered by FEMA down to just $990 million, which is roughly the cost of one week in a quagmire

Family of the last person in Britain convicted of witchcraft wants her 1943 conviction overturned, because she doesn't weigh the same as a duck

Scientists name the land of lutefisk and Jell-o salad the U.S.'s healthiest state. The home of jambalya, gumbo and Big Gulp-sized cocktails called the unhealthiest. And scientists wonder why nobody listens to them

If you leave your socks and underwear behind after having relations with a sheep, rest assured The Sun will be there

Off the wire: It turns out 33 innocent people arrested weeks ago in Operation Trick or Treat have been released, because the cops were tricked by the snitch so he could get the treat they promised him. Your confidential informant wants immunity

(45)

(engadget.com)

Nintendo's answer to all the damages caused by the Wii controller: Don't let go of it, dumbass

(324)

Guinness-guzzling camel crashes Christmas party. Shockingly, party not hosted by a farker

A wheelchair is not the best getaway vehicle for a robbery, even if your victim is in a wheelchair too

(15)

After finding two human hands, a leg and a T-shirt inside a 1,000-pound crocodile, villagers decide to cut the beast into pieces and divide up the meat

(Chattanoogan)

"Charges to be dismissed in rectum shooting case." It damn near killed 'um

Yahoo releases list of most searched for women on the internets. The winner is Britney. With pic of when she looked like she didn't need a good scrubbing

(77)

Iraq Study Group: Situation 'grave and deteriorating.' Who knew these guys were so smart?

(539)

If you're going to rob a power supply office, try not to pee on a power supply box

Note to would-be carjackers: Wait until the elderly woman has already filled the SUV with gas and has put the filler nozzle up before approaching her to steal the vehicle

(DMR)

"If you're going to have a bottle-rocket war, it would be a lot better to do it outside"

Holland expects one millionth U.S. tourist this year, for first time since 2000. Apparently, getting high and paying for sex waned after 9/11

(71)

Oil prices inch up on report of Mel Gibson's retard-healing powers

The Good: There are more lesbians in school nowadays. The Bad: Elementary school. The Farky: Parents, they are a-suing

(109)

Norwegian finds vast new renewable energy source -- fat Americans

(78)

Jennifer Aniston has broken up with Vince Vaughn upon learning that he had a bad case of Vince Vaughn

(118)

What do an Indian and a Russian living in the UK have in common? They are one and two on the richest Brits list

Hundreds of people are flocking to a remote Indian town to offer prayers to two trees that were "married" off in a bid to keep evil spirits at bay

U.S. mortgage applications surge in latest week

(98)

(WTMJ)

Explosion at FALK Corporation on Canal St In Milwaukee. Relax, the Casino is still safe

(193)

Army master sergeant from NYC retires to sleepy little town and immediately urges everyone to go buy guns so they can kill terrorists

(159)

Kitchen goddess Nigella Lawson says women are as hot for her as guys, but insists, "I don't want to be some kitchen blow-up sex doll"

(285)

Norway would like to know who this Princess of Jerusalem is

Both of Cheney's daughters are pregnant, even though the only Dick in daughter Mary's life was her father, if you know what I'm sayin'

(182)

The 8th International Robot Olympiad opened today, Ben Johnsonbot immediately disqualified after testing positive for nitrous

High-tech plan to stop brawls in Scottish pubs by having bartenders phone English call centre when fights break out abandoned when call-centre workers couldn't figure out what the hell Scottish bartenders were saying

(26)

Privacy advocates are strenuously pushing an oversight board to look into the White House's wiretapping program. Well, now that they've drawn the government's attention they can experience it themselves

(18)

(punk rock penguin)

Gallery of truly horrible book covers

I-Mockery weighs in on many of the new non-peppermint flavored candy canes

(26)

(Some Hero)

Hero of 9/11 won't stop speaking out against Bush

(555)

Passengers at London Heathrow airport can now check in faster if they're fingerprinted, get their face and eyes biometrically scanned, agree to be assimilated

Bainimarama replaces police chief in Fiji - what a Cruel Summer

(Some Mama)

Photoshop this little chugger. LGT photo

Restaurant owner must relinquish stuffed bird to federal agents. Federal agents lend bird to museum. Museum lends bird to restaurant. No word on what all that cost

After dropping off a friend, woman stops by the sheriff's office to drop off an unexploded mortar shell

(15)

Swedish border control officers busted for keeping "spank bank"

(Crooks and Liars)

In response to rumors that the U.S. military will soon be distributing naked pictures of Bea Arthur, nine-tenths of Iraqis want the U.S. to leave their country

(102)

Submitter checks watch. Yep, it's about time for another "Sex predator on MySpace" story

Construction workers annoyed by sandhill cranes that have lived in clear-cut area for thousands of years. Nail-gunlarity ensues

America: "Hey, Chavez... it looks like your people like you after all, so maybe we should make amends." Chavez: "DIA oil F"

(356)

Auschwitz death camp site to be renovated. Guantanamo prisoners start to get nervous

(82)

If you kill a bus driver by throwing a rock through his windshield from an overpass in Alberta, you can expect to be sentenced to six months of WoW at home

(116)

(TMC)

Christian university allows first dance in its history. The pipe organ waltz was particularly breathtaking

Georgia DOT decides to erase a couple small towns off the state map to make it less cluttered. And by a couple, I mean 515

(NZ Herald)

Scientists say forget about planning a diet during the holidays because you're probably going to overstuff your fat ass anyway. Here comes the pie

(36)

Deer Fark.com I am submeeting this head line on be half of my emploiee because he is two sick and can not do soul. Tank you

(73)

Photoshop a farker's father's 75th birthday

Tue December 05, 2006:

# of Comments

(TKCC)

When there is only one restaraunt in town, remember to shovel the foot of snow off the roof

(36)

Retard healed by Mel Gibson spitting in his eye. Now that he's no longer retarded, he is being prosecuted by government

(261)

"It's neat to have broads all over you," says Dallas Green of Phillies, LF Pat Burrell. What makes this quote better? 1) Use of the word "broad"? Or 2) Fine characterization of the life of a baseball player?

(66)

(Some Martian)

NASA to announce "significant find" on Mars at press briefing tomorrow. And by "significant find" they mean "ooooh, this rock looks a little bit like a puppy"

(308)

(TMZ)

Andy Dick -- apparently a subscriber to the "any publicity" theorem -- shouts, "You're all a bunch of 'n-word's" at L.A.'s Improv comedy club

(209)

For sale: Fark original webserver, mail server and Cisco c831 router L00K1111eleven

(134)

And some guy is selling a Fark vintage comic book, might as well include that one for completion's sake

(Korea Times)

Good: Korean department store holds sweepstakes with three Ferraris as grand prize. Bad: After miscalculating odds, store discovers 440 winners want to claim their Ferrari. Fark: Winners agree to second drawing for Ferraris

Polonium found at Arsenal's Emirates stadium, maybe Litvinenko meant to smuggle the radioactive material to France

(Crunch Gear)

Pentagon ready to use "Goodbye" weapon in Iraq which make victims flee in terror. Naked pictures of Bea Arthur being mounted on tank turrets as we speak

(184)

McDonald's experiments with gym for kids. On one hand, the beef steroids will bulk them up; on the other, the bovine growth hormone will cause them to grow tits. (With obligatory fat McDonald's kid goodness)

(Richmond Times Dispatch)

Gross: Man caught farking the family dog. Worse: Wife caught him. Fark: She took pictures and called the cops

(171)

Hey, let's dress up in biohazard suits with breathing masks and take these chemicals out of this apartment and put them way over here, outside on the porch

(24)

Senate Armed Services Committee unanimously votes to confirm Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense, and change Senator Byrd's diaper

(94)

(Barron News Shield)

Deer hunting season is in full effect as a Wisconsin deer hunter shoots a horse

(kgw)

Still missing: James Kim. Found: His pants

(335)

Arby's worker arrested for showing the beef on his Web cam

Norwegian court has ruled that strip clubs do not have to pay value-added tax because their services are a form of art performed by artists. Try that excuse on the wife next time you go down and stick money in their underwear

Campus safe-sex poster: "Whether you're pitching or catching, wear a glove." Campus feminist: "That's the most degrading thing in history." Someone really needs to get laid

(532)

Passenger gets moved to first class on transatlantic flight -- after dying in business class. Fellow first-class passengers "were being very British about it and simply not acknowledging there was anything wrong"

If you live in Florida and own a pair of binoculars, a lawn chair, and a walkie-talkie, the FAA could probably use your help

(24)

(Ireland On Line)

Russia, which clearly was not involved in the poisoning of ex-KGB agent and has nothing to hide, will not extradite murder suspects to the UK

(OC Weekly)

OC janitor owns world’s most expensive broken dildo

(126)

Campus Ladies premiers tonight on Oxygen, they like to drop in the occasional shout-out to Fark (see linked video)

"Cost of fun" has fallen over past decade, or it might just be another example of the law of diminishing returns

(Chicago Tribune)

Aggravated Battery + Citation for No License + Criminal Trespass + Leaving Scene of Accident = One bad day for crazy-ass woman -- oh, and for the the paramedic whose arm she tried to drive off with, too

Photoshop this guy in a booth

Man in Crete spends six years and 3,200 truckloads of concrete building his "Flintstone House"

(89)

(Rocky Mountain News)

Bones of first horse mutilated by UFO goes on Ebay, satellite in pelvis intact

(WSMV Nashville)

Note to carjackers everywhere: When sticking your gun in the face of your victim, make sure they can't grab it and use it to shoot you and your buddies

Channel 4's alternative Queen's speech to be delivered by Muslim woman in a full veil. What could possibly go wrong?

(118)

From the heart of Times Square: The world's biggest bong

(66)

MTSU decides to keep building named after KKK founder after it's discovered the student petition demanding the change was not signed exclusively (if at all) by students

(172)

(LOHUD)

If you're running a "sophisticated marijuana growing operation" in your attic and one afternoon you have a disagreement with your brother, do you: A) Roll one and talk it out? Or B) Fight until the cops show up?

(59)

Tree stump that resembles the Virgin Mary (if you squint and are high on acid on a moonless night... in the fog) turned into a shrine

Bad: The house is on fire. Good: You can still save the car. Fark: Evidently not

AP's review of "Apocalypto" confirms the obvious: Mel Gibson is master of the epic snuff film

McDonald's expanding its Chinese marketshare almost as fast as Chinese waistlines. New items include Big Mac with four beef patties, "black-pepper-sauce-seasoned double-patty burgers" and root taro, green bean and pineapple fried pies

A top 10 internet search survey for 2006 reveals that Americans are mostly interested in searching for Boobies on-line

Sorry NJ commuters, NYC has just banned trans fat

(617)

Ignoring the millions of television commercials, magazine ads and billboards, new study says that websites are glamorizing anorexia and bulimia. Yep, there never was a problem before the Internet was invented

Texas landowner says “Howdy, y’all” to new Muslim nextdoor neighbors by scheduling weekly pig races near their mosque construction site

(710)

(Aaaahhh!)

Gallery of kids hilariously terrified by Santa

(161)

Getting sneezed on, peed on, having your glasses and beard yanked on -- just another day as a mall Santa

(38)

Fark's 2006 Headline of the Year contest, Round 1: January through March (Details in thread)

(178)

Asia's most expensive hotel gets a reality check and lowers rates after they have no bookings for four months

(Some Sunset Committee)

Attention Texas farkers: TABC is up for review. Remember when they busted into bars to arrest people who were drunk and not driving? December 12th and 13th, you can fight back

(Waterbury Republican American)

Today's "man busted for driving naked" story brought to you by I-84 in Connecticut

Nine innocent alter egos held after woman with multiple personality disorder arrested for arson

Renovation of UN headquarters in New York being run by people so incompetent, even Donald Trump has called them out

If people give you money to play cornhole games, you better deliver or the attorney general will cornhole you

"A residential display of Old St. Nick's sleigh has become a case of Santa-slaying with the jolly Christmas man being thrown off his pedestal amid the carnage of decapitated reindeer"

Donald Rumsfeld's successor Robert Gates says the U.S. is not winning the war in Iraq, will subsequently be hanged for treason

(290)

Georgia state senator supports immigration so much, he'll even marry a hot Colombian chick to keep her in the country

Study finds more than three-quarters of men see "a friendly smile" as the most attractive feature in a woman. Study also finds that either "a friendly smile" is euphemistic, or three-quarters of men are liars

IRS to tax "gains" on sale of virtual assets in online games like "World of Warcraft," "Second Life" and "EverQuest"

(255)

(Global Nation)

Malaysian lawmakers want prostitutes to be whipped. Prostitutes don't have a problem with that, but insist they charge extra

Update on stripper+hellovadrug+AK-47+Connecticut story from yesterday

Today's "guy charged with DUI after driving a parade float drunk" story brought to you by Anderson, South Carolina

(This is London)

Organic chicken tastes bad and is less nutritious. Eat 'em up, gullible shoppers

(270)

Having removed all guns and knives from the streets, British police tackle the next dangerous weapon: Cricket balls. You'd think something that small wouldn't be dangerous

Man decides that the best use of some sheet metal and a couple of chainsaw engines is... aerobatics

In this age of cancer and war, scientists have finally found the perfect use for supercomputers: Designing Pringles

France prepare launch of English-language news channel that "will challenge the Anglo-Saxon views spread by CNN and BBC by relying on French values." In other words, 24-hour coverage of surrendering and cheese

(Chicago Tribune)

Ric Romero scooped as journalistic rival discovers that decaf coffee still has some caffeine in it

Urban birds learn to rap to attract chicks, tits

(Some Student)

After letting students pick research topic, professor finds herself addicted to "World of Warcraft." "People might be horrified to know they’re playing with a middle-aged woman"

(169)

Train in Germany struck by a soccer ball, immediately halts and clutches its knee

Oil spikes over $63 after news of death of George Clooney's pet pig "Max"

Homeowners' association to World War II veteran: "Your flag is too big." Veteran to assocation: "Suck it, and stay off my lawn"

(305)

(WNBC)

♫ When you find crap in your chalupa and it makes you go poopa... that's E-coli ♫ When some Taco Bells gives you diarrhea from Hell... that's E-coli ♫

Great Britain set to require proof of command of the English langauge to become a permanent resident. Welsh residents protest, but no one can understand what they're babbling about

New York State says cheerleaders must cheer for boys and girls basketball teams. Guess what the cheerleaders think about that?

(150)

Ah, Christmas trees: Twinkling lights, decorative ornaments, bats, tinsel, wait what?

(Deadspin)

After 18 years, Ben Johnson says that he has figured out that Carl Lewis spiked his beer so Ben would test positive for steroids

(Sun Journal.com)

Sorry I'm robbing you at gunpoint, but my baby needs diapers, and some lottery tickets, and a carton of smokes. And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife

Today's MySpace pedo arrest comes with this quote: "I do have morals, you know, because under seven is nasty"

(DNJ.com)

When asked why he robbed a bank, this guy forwards the lesser known "my dog ate my parrot" excuse

(17)

Lawsuit-proof terms of service agreement for hosting your next Christmas party

(16)

Police arrest 12-year-old for prematurely opening Gameboy Advance. Look to Fark for a 'dead Mom' headline in a couple years

Unlike our entertainment, bird flu will arrive from our southern border. Latin American birds are willing to take the bird flu jobs that our Northern birds refuse to do

Families call meeting to peacefully resolve a long-running dispute. Since you're reading it here, you're shouldn't be surprised to discover it ended up with 200 people attacking each other with axes, spears and homemade swords

(The Boca Beacon)

If you're letting your iguana run loose around Boca Raton, now is probably a good time to chain it to a tree on your lawn. As a bonus, it may keep those damn kids away

120-year-old Indian woman credits the doob for her longevity

Rip Torn provides us with the best mugshot EVER. w/pic of course

(119)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Scientists tackle Alzheimer's puzzle, which is difficult because they keep forgetting what the puzzle is supposed to look like when put together

(IrieRadio.com)

Drew talks Fark this morning at 930 eastern on Ocean 98. Listen live via the link. Phone lines open at 1-877-723-9626 for questions and comments

(12)

Nothing quite says "Nerd Christmas" like a gingerbread TIE fighter

(NY Daily News)

It may looks like a Christmas tree and smell like a Christmas tree, but a "holiday tree" grows in Brooklyn

(281)

(Some Ninja)

Today, December 5, is the Day of the Ninja. Pirates Beware

"A city court in Oslo decided it needed to send 'a stern signal' that throwing cakes at top politicians won't be tolerated in Norway."

(12)

(Amazon)

The seventh seal has opened. Rachel Ray has a holiday album

(176)

Photoshop this guy and his cabinet

(Jewcy.com)

Orthodox Jews now trolling the Internet for anonymous sex. In related news, submitter has some 420 and a bottle of Manischewitz

Despite past T & A photos, Danica Patrick turns down Maxim and Playboy, to go "wholesome" route

-RoG- counts down the top 10 most dangerous toys of 2006

Woman discovers best defense is a good offense, takes knife from rapist and stabs him with it

(94)

Webcam sex operator witnesses customer sexually abusing his daughter over the internet

(200)

Proving there's an activity in Britain more mindnumbingly boring than trainspotting, meet the guy who travels around the nation photographing parking lots. Then selling 60,000 of them to losers like him (pic)

Sleeping man's genitals doused with gas -- set on fire

X-rays of what a cell phone looks when a convict shoves that uncomfortable hunk of metal up his ass to smuggle it into a prison

(Toledo Tales)

BBQ sauce gives Toledo man "a reason to get out of bed"

Old: spinning rims. Hot: clear polycarbonate see-through wheels

NASA's most culturally diverse shuttle crew hopes to avoid becoming most geographically diverse crew

Wisconsin man drives his Saab 1 million miles. Went through 22 sets of tires, 600 quarts of oil, and eight deer collisions

(78)

Good: You're too drunk to drive so you have a friend drive you home. Bad: Your friend is legally blind. Fark: Your other drunk friend gives the blind guy directions... into a wall

(Journal News)

There are better places to smoke crack than an unmarked police car

Fisherman lands world-record 87lb carp — breaking his own record from last year when he caught the same fish when it was four pounds lighter

Top 10 bars of the world

(200)

After the mysterious death of the Russian spy, you'd think the guy running the Polonium Restaurant in Sheffield would be regretting the name. But business is booming and reviews are glowing. Here's one

Mon December 04, 2006:

# of Comments

Theme: An action scene from "Fark: The Video Game"

(148)

Car salesman goes berserk and tells his boss to fold this crappy job until it's all sharp corners and jam it up his arse after misreading a lottery ticket and thinking he'd won the jackpot. Oops

(Some Prison Guy)

Apparently the liquid contents of a filled doughnut fall foul of the new restrictions on liquids in carry on luggage

(81)

(GiveusbackNewYork)

The Dutch want to re-acquire New York City, promising to replace those nasty street-food carts with friendly herring vendors

Don't show up at the airport wearing body armor and armed with a pellet gun

(Wilmongton Star)

Chicken Pox is still a lethal disease. Not just in third-world nations, it's killing people in North Carolina. Okay, bad comparison

(106)

Liposuction for 12-year old girl stirs debate

(156)

It was just what they wished for: stressed mall Santas get a support group

(18)

The top 10 most annoying songs of the year

(384)

Australia takes first step in annexing Land of Mordor

Mississippi tries to shed its image as a "forlorn state of poor, illiterate, racist good ole boys." They forgot "inbred, banjo-picking rednecks" but it's unlikely to make a difference to the campaign's success

(202)

NASA announces plans to have a permanently-manned moon base by 2024. Cool tag fills in for the lack of a TOTALLY AWESOME tag

(282)

If your next bottle of California wine tastes a little 'corpsey' it probably came from this place

(58)

Scientists spin a wheel, claims a new tsunami may hit Indonesia at anytime

(27)

New anti-smoking 'wonder drug' acts on the pleasure centre of the brain so smokers get no satisfaction from a cigarette

(152)

Some of the coolest classic cars you'll ever see (some pimped)

(182)

Sooo many sweatpants

Missing CNet Editor James Kim's wife and 2 children found alive, James Kim still missing after leaving on foot 2 days ago to find help

(258)

Just in time for Christmas: Get your "Faces of Global Terrorism" poster today

Top Bush aide: White House must get "mojo" back. Unclear if this means get their mojo back like Austin Powers, workin' like Muddy Waters or risin' like Jim Morrison

Robber on bicycle demands man hand over his pants

(15)

(News 8 Austin)

Willie Nelson 1990: Pot-smoking geezer in trouble with the IRS for $16 million. Willie Nelson 2006: Pot-smoking geezer fronting a $225 million studio complex in Austin, TX

(66)

If you're an inmate in a Canadian prison, we're not paying for your tattoos anymore (have fun with the AIDS)

(111)

(Columbus Dispatch)

Advertising causing kids to become obese, anorexic, alcoholic and sexually promiscuous

(WMC-TV Memphis)

University of Tennessee library employee fired for being too big of a fan of Thomas Jefferson and FDR

Teen who killed homeless man because he was bored asks to have prison term reduced because he's "basically spending day and night locked in his cell"

(524)

New cartoon program will portray Bush Administration officials as schoolchildren who torture cafeteria employees for serving falafel. What could possibly go wrong?

(126)

Dire threat to American citizens will go away later this week, at least for a little while

(47)

Problem: Men are embarrassed to carry a diaper bag and change diapers. Solution: Sell an enormous, shiny black rubber diaper bag made out of old tractor tires. That'll help

(123)

Fifteen months after Katrina, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin gets around to establishing a city recovery office

(144)

A late joiner to the makeover trend, The Wall Street Journal decides to slim down and lighten up like USA Today to become more interesting to women

(52)

Plane diverted after passengers smell matches. EVERYBODY PANIC

(87)

Dealership in Saudi Arabia opens women-only showroom. Women still not allowed to drive, but now have someone to show them how to adjust burka using rearview mirror

(90)

Neighbours of strip club complain they can see naked pole dancers through the windows. No, really. They're actually COMPLAINING about this

Missing girl was just shopping at Wal-Mart, should be fine after a thorough bathing

After a bloody campaign, humans have retaken control of something called "the BCS" from what we can only assume is SkyNet

(168)

Analysts claim that DiCaprio's new movie will hurt diamond demand despite proof his films didn't affect retards, cruise ships, or 19th century gangs

(295)

Police arrest Mob underboss "Big Cheese" DiNunzio. No gouda at his Kraft. Wined: "Really blue it this time" vows to sharpen skills, cream rivals

Four reasons why men cheat. Reason No. 1: Because they have weeners

(260)

Study finds skinny women have higher risk of losing babies; fat women have higher risk of eating those babies

(126)

Crew of an RAF Nimrod fixed an in-flight hatch problem with a teapot

Old craze: Regular skyscrapers. New craze: Rotating skyscrapers. Now everyone can have the best view

(153)

Today's man-shot-himself-in-the-groin story brought to you by Toronto

Photoshop this large superconducting magnet

Phonics professor spends years analyzing changes in Queen Elizabeth's accent. Note that in the past she called Diana "that biatch" while she refers to Camilla as "that beyotch"

The "gender gap" between men's and women's wages has shrunk -- not because women's incomes have risen, but because men's have decreased

(267)

Survey finds Simon Cowell second most popular man for women to fantasize about during sex. Suggested line for spicing up the bedroom: "No, no, no -- you're doing it all wrong; that was awful"

(153)

Zombie chickens terrorize populace. Need... more... GRAINS

Despite the media's intensely anticipated backlash against Muslims, turns out such a thing is as imaginary as leprechauns or Eskimos

(223)

Courts ponder value of man's best friend. Finally, a court case to settle who gets the remote control

An intrepid reporter discovers New York City's "secret suburb." Who knew New Jersey was just across the river?

(112)

Pediatricians warn that children are seeing too many ads for anti-impotence drugs, which is apparently hard on them

(151)

Most bosses at U.S. companies plan to give their employees gifts this holiday season, but fewer than 1/3 of workers intend to reciprocate with gifts of their own. They're probably still pissed about the hot cocoa sampler

(225)

British thieves steal £6,500 worth of lawn ornaments. That's a lotta gnomes

'South African Houdini,' who most recently escaped from a maximum-security prison by slathering himself in Vaseline and wriggling through a window, back in jail after getting shot in the ass by cops

(27)

French guy who owned the Princess Diana death car wants it back -- to sell as a souvenir

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...over a warm can of Stag

Chavez eats a microphone and something about him defeating the devil

(301)

Curiouser and curiouser: Poisoned Russian spy converted to Islam on his deathbed

(123)

It's unclear how they measured its effectiveness, but a police-led program of spraying water on state highways to release the trapped spirits of those killed in motor crashes has been declared a success

India lawyer files obscenity lawusit against stars of recent Bollywood film. Their offense? They kissed on camera. Ron Jeremy too busy laughing hysterically to comment

(83)

(heraldonline.com)

Salvation Army having trouble recruiting people to stand outside stores ringing bells. For $6.50 an hour. In Montana. In December

Good: Man attempts to ride train. Bad: He attempts to ride on the roof. Darwin: The train is powered by overhead wires

Fark goes commando with McGraw Milhaven on 550-AM KTRS at 11:05 a.m. CST

Penny Arcade's Child's Play Charity raises money for children's hospitals around the globe, gives the big middle finger to Jack Thompson

(91)

Fans looking to hold Harry Potter-themed convention in Chicago in 2008. Plans to have Quidditch match at Soldier Field if they can figure out how to make brooms fly

(88)

UN Ambassador John Bolton resigns to spend more time with his mustache

(618)

Chinese coal mine is claiming a world record for the highest number of simultaneous weddings held underground

(Airliners.net)

Photoshop this MiG airframe

Good news: School killings up only slightly

Milan subway has pretty 20-something pole dancer dressed as a cat who does lap dances. NYC subway has smelly homeless person who rubs against you when pulling his underwear out of his crack. More people are smiling in the Milan subway

Windows Vista took 10,000 employees five years to create. Preliminary breakdown includes 100 software engineers, 900 marketing experts and 9,000 lawyers

(256)

(M.E.N)

Fifteen-year-old girl allies herself with Saruman, invoking wrath of 60-foot tree

Iran blocks access to Fark.com

(299)

Man rams a house with his car six times, then pulls out an axe. No word on if his name was Johnny

(24)

S&M, nude parties rule at Columbia University. Duke sucks

(125)

Next Sunday, Mercury, Mars and Jupiter will form a tight grouping in a circle just one degree in diameter, creating the closest trio of naked-eye planets since 1925 and until 2053

(122)

(Businessweek)

Over the past five years, the world's most luxurious hotels have been upping the ante: Helipads, undersea restaurants and expanses of gold leaf that stretch farther than in any castle

Having solved schoolyard bullying, Australia tackles cyber-bullying, will offer new course on use of ALT-F4 and the delete key

Man blows a mean "Bubble Trumpet." Don Ho said to be impressed

(KETV)

If you're going to snatch a woman's purse, don't do it in front of the White House, and definitely don't target a police chief's wife

(23)

(Some Gas-FIlled Turkey)

Photoshop theme: 2006 Macy's Parade balloons that should have been, but weren't. LGT possible blank

New York getting ready for "Big Lebowski" festival. The "Spiffy" tag will abide

(121)

One of the biggest-selling wine brands in the UK is ditching traditional corks in favour of screw caps. Can boxes be far behind?

China has arrested the manager of a factory which used grease from swill, sewage and recycled industrial oil to make edible lard. Don't order the No. 2