Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-11-26 23:59:59'

# of Comments

(Some Geek)

World of Warcraft player banned, threatens suicide if his account is not reinstated. From there the story gets interesting

(109)

French singer shocked when fan asks him to sign her vibrator: "I was naive and didn't realise what it was until it started buzzing"

(16)

Scientists invent male birth-control pill that can be taken hours before a date and temporarily puts the little guys to sleep

Things not to do while at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum: Pull down the pants of the Kylie Minogue figure and kiss its ass (with probably Not safe for work pic)

Michael Vick gives the home crowd a couple Falcons of his own after Atlanta loses to 'Nyahlins

(Mail)

Survey finds half of all teacher's dont know how to use apostrophes

(131)

(PopSci)

Popular Science's 100 best inventions of 2006

"There is overwhelming evidence that money buys happiness"

(124)

Kate Winslet's body inspires new Jaguar model, thankfully designer stopped there and didn't listen to the stupidity coming out of her yap

(Hunger Artists)

Santa covered in sauce. A meatball in a manger. Move over Christmas, it's the Flying Spaghetti Monster Holiday Pageant

Real men try on James Bond's blue trunks

(bizofshowbiz.com)

The MPAA and RIAA trying to "educate" us poor dummies rather than show us why we should buy from them

(163)

(Lifehacker)

Weekend project: Make your own shower spa

(53)

Thieves Steal $1.9M Worth of Microsoft Xbox 360 Consoles

(64)

Wives object to corporate policy of giving their husbands money to date other women

(15)

(Darn Divorce)

Pet parrots becoming key witnesses in divorce trials

(GhanaWeb)

Security guard stumbles upon sex orgy in girls school...the headline had submitter at "sex orgy"

(87)

(portland mercury.com)

Atheist dismissed from art school over student's belief in leprechauns. You're magically expelled

(218)

Behold The power of accidental video game porn

Photoshop this old electron tube

(Some Canucks)

The only thing worse than getting burglarized is getting burglarized and THEN having the outraged burglar turn you in to the police for kiddy porn

Nutjob comes to the rescue of SETI astronomers, to tell them where they can find E.T. so that they can regain the world's respect. How? The prophecies of Nostradamus. And then it gets weird

(Cancer News Network)

Smoking ban could eradicate lung cancer in 20 years

(210)

Real-life Scrooges may suffer from "holiday rage." Here comes the media-manufactured syndrome

(52)

If people in Britain have a little extra holiday glow this year, it's because faulty new artificial Christmas trees are giving them all the house current they could want as a gift

(10)

(New York Daily News)

Columbia University says that educating people about the safest flogging techniques is simply responsible behavior. And oh, the kinky sex parties

Santa found smuggling coke, perhaps felt global warming threatened a snowy Christmas

(17)

(Some Addict)

Boring Sunday? Spend the day playing weffriddles. Link goes to the first level. Really

(174)

Tennessee jail has female guards and a 24-hour webcam. What could possibly go wrong?

Old and busted: No Child Left Behind. New hotness: No Child Left Offline

(news.enquirer.com)

"Skating nuns release Christmas albums"

(10)

Canadian woman chains herself to Toronto lampost to highlight the dangers of chaining dogs outdoors in cold weather. She was promptly stolen by bicycle thieves

(Seeking Alpha)

10 best Internet acquisitions ever

Four men try to rob an off-duty Baltimore police officer. Notice submitter's use of the verb "try"

The coolest photo of a rainbow and lightning you will see today. In related news, leprechauns announce a powerful new weapon to protect their gold

Routine maintenance starting in about an hour or so may lead to temporary Farkus Interruptus. Don't Panic

(0)

(Some tough bridge)

On the bright side, this ship should have no problem going under bridges in the future. Since it's about 20 feet shorter now

Endangered butterflies thriving in new location thanks to conservationists

DEA spends millions tracking down the guys selling Viagra and Levitra on-line. We're all so much safer now that these hardened criminals are off the street

A doe's a deer, a female deer, even if it's farked while dead

(118)

Next Chicago Fark Party March 24th, 2007. Link goes to THE Chicago Fark Party Google page

(44)

(Some TFette)

Photoshop this carved panel

If you're Christmas shopping for that one thing that nobody else has, check the landfill in Aspen, CO. You never know what Costner's gonna throw away this week

World's smallest machine gun packs a mighty punch

(138)

10 Is the new 15

(213)

Drunk dentist confronts a construction crew with boxing gloves and a heavy chain. Somehow, his plan doesn't work out as anticipated

Possible Prozac side effects: drowsiness, nausea, impotence, dry mouth, killing Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, headaches, weight change

Fake deer encountered by real deer during rutting season. Real deer opens medium-sized can of whoopass

Collection of the most famous photos ever

(156)

Americans worry about the wrong things, thanks to media overhype

(127)

Huge Mafia bust in Canada: Black market maple syrup reportedly skyrocketing in price

(maj.com)

Some pages from the 1988 Radio Shack catalog, when you could get a lightning-fast 16 MHz computer and 2 MB of memory for only $2599 (installment plan available)

(259)

(MediaVR)

Engage the Holodeck on your monitor: A whole bunch of really cool Quicktime panoramic VRs

Like a wife who won't tell you what you did wrong, Mars Surveyor is still giving NASA the silent treatment

If you're a white town manager, don't call your black assistant "mammy". If you get caught, don't apologize by saying that you love Aunt Jemima

(166)

(Some Brie)

Photoshop some brie, a key and a bee

Scientists work overtime to prevent the creation of pusher robots

(Intelligencer Wheeling News)

Man angered at thieves who stole his inflatable Pirate SpongeBob

(Sunday Observer)

Newlyweds gets Honeymoon suite with all the bells and whistles...including a hidden camera. And then the story gets weird

(Richmond Times Dispatch)

(nbc-2.com)

18 pound dog shot and killed for jumping fence into neighbor's yard. Gunman claims he was protecting his cat. Dog's owner to be cited for loose dog

(128)

100 year old teacher retires. Broke down into tears while teaching American History because the class used to be Current Events

Guy builds the ultimate paintball gun, shoots paintballs at 1200psi

(82)

(KOBTV)

Good: finding loose change under the seat of the used car you just bought. Better: finding 22 pounds of pot

(99)

Missing woman found dead upside down behind bookcase: "I'm sleeping in the same house as her for 11 days, looking for her, her mother said. And she's right in the bedroom." Guess which state

(106)

38 crazy balloon scuptures

(Today's TMJ 4)

Sheboygan family surprised to wake up to a wise man tied up with police tape, nine reindeer and two penguins in their front yard. With video report

Sat November 25, 2006:

# of Comments

Roadkill deer turned into 'bionic' Christmas decorations

School pushes for more strictly enforced dress code because teachers fear being accused of sexual harassment by scantly clad students

(228)

Topless blonde women in road-safety ads "working" after deployment on real roads causes more accidents

(Some Voter)

Disputed mayoral election settled by game of chance. 10 of Hearts beats 7 of Diamonds every time. Why didn't our Founding Fathers think of this?

(13)

Innocent rattle-snake, minding his own business, attacked by cop and judge. manages to get one of them before he goes down in a hail of lead

Stowaway cat survives 17-day container voyage, determined to spray everything inside

Outdoor ice skating rink in a place called Hot Springs melts

13-year-old scores a real-life double kill

(284)

Photoshop this guy in da hood. Difficulty: No Palpatine

(64)

ROTFL-WTF? Elektronik Supersonik. Safe for work (if your boss is a nut) but not safe for eyeballs (unless you've had at least 4 beers)

(102)

Israel promises to end its military operations in the Gaza Strip

(353)

...And one count felony assault with a gumball machine

(23)

(Staten Island Advance)

NYC man is OUTRAGED that police refuse to hunt down man who hit deer. Rest of the North East unsurprised when nobody listens to him (second letter down)

(156)

(WARNING: Some Guy)

Make your own warning label. LGT warning label generator, or make yours from scratch

(317)

Singer Clay Aiken battles allergy to nuts, complains about frequent rash on chin

Man escapes prison to see his girlfriend, discovers she is pregnant by another man, calls police and asks to go back to jail. What a day out

(104)

Gourmet treats for pets are selling for higher prices per ounce than lobster, handmade chocolate or printer ink. Your dog wants snout

Man tries to beat a drunk driving rap by eating breathalyzer results. Somehow, his brilliant plan was foiled

(47)

(hamptonroads.com)

Six lessons learned from Black Friday. Conspicuously missing is the lesson to NOT go shopping on Black Friday

(207)

Founder of LexisNexis dies -- where else? -- in front of his computer

Police kill man outside strip club the day before his wedding. Suicide by cop suspected

(251)

Photoshop this great wall jumper

(73)

(9News)

Business owner celebrates 10 years in business by putting 10 rare, 1914-D Lincoln pennies in circulation, each worth $150

College bottling its own wine. They originally tried to sell beer until the students threw a huge farkin' kegger

Three limp seamen rescued by helicopter after getting blown hard

(hamptonroads.com)

Church receives email from PETA denouncing its use of live animals in their annual "Living Nativity" scene. Pastor is mystified, since the church doesn't use any animals at all in their nativity scene

(319)

Two women burglarize house and cleverly use cab for clean getaway. Might not have been so conspicuous if they hadn't been holding that large safe

(15)

"Experts say experiential toilets are an increasingly important part of any tourism infrastructure. You might think of it as the theory of toilet tourism: if you install them, travelers will come"

(42)

Carlyle Group bids $5.5 billion for Taiwan company. Gets U.S. Seventh Fleet for protection as a bonus

(News4Jax)

Woman wants to join in on armed robbery. Step-brother says she has to prove herself first, hands her gun. Woman promptly shoots him in head

Phalanx Close-In Weapons System (CWIS) fires 4,500 rounds per minute, cuts down mortar rounds out of the sky

(326)

Sean Connery's decision to pass on Gandalf role cost him an estimated $445 million. "My staff has more magic, Gandalf." "That's not what your mother said, Saruman!"

(155)

Introducing the Fark Travel Guide

(182)

Believe it or not, email has just turned 35. Here are the worst ones ever

Here's something you shouldn't do: Get thirty of your lard-ass relatives to pose on a Gatlinburg Tennessee stairwell for a photo. You're only asking for trouble

Photoshop this prelude to laundryroom disaster

Cletus gives new meaning to 'delusions of grandeur' by saying America hates him because he "took their queen"

(170)

Survey finds women in Edinburgh spend the most money on products to whiten the blackened stumps the British call 'teeth.' Rrrowr

(75)

The ten best video game weapons of all time

(277)

(NZ Herald)

Australia's V8 Supercar series will continue a path of expansion and a shift towards street circuits after Hamilton earned its own street race

(47)

50 Cent finds it unacceptable that a fictional secret agent can hold a gun in a movie poster but a gang-banger thug from the hood can't

(261)

In Canada, if someone breaks into your house don't defend yourself or you may go to jail

(269)

British convicts will celebrate Christmas with XBoxes and inflatable sumo suits at taxpayers' expense

(53)

(Slashfood)

Eight new flavors of M&Ms set to debut on a "limited basis," sign me up for Eat, Drink, and Be Cherry

Fri November 24, 2006:

# of Comments

(Phun.Org)

'Shop this kinky midg... er, little person

Mapuche Indians in Chile get into legal contest with Microsoft because they offer Windows in their native language but didn't ask for permission to translate it

(59)

Honeybaked Ham is recalling hams and turkeys sold between November 5th and 13th. Turkeys? But who would buy a turkey in November?

Cloning research has come a long way. First mice, then sheep, and now a Ferrari

He said that would be enough marijuana to supply "every man, women and school age child in the Williams Lake and surrounding communities with approximately 140 marijuana joints."(each)

As of tomorrow, the US has spent more time in Iraq than fighting WWII

(486)

(Weird Asia News)

Mermaid baby born in China, scouted for Olympic swim team

(Great Falls Tribune)

Three teens break into church, cause thousands in damage and steal cash and stereo equipment, so naturally church sues their asses off. Just kidding; church turns the other cheek, giving them gift cards, Xboxes and DVDs

(98)

What do you do if you're cited for jaywalking? A) Pay the fine and go about your life or B) Spend days taking pictures of half the local government and police force doing the same thing

(124)

Irish family auctions 150 year old whiskey bottle they claim to have owned for generations. Drew considered attending the auction, but realized if an Irishman didn't drink it in all this time, it's probably no good (with video)

(This is Local London)

Woman distraught after her guinea pig was mysteriously shaved in the night

Take a picture, Sony's failure will last longer

(118)

There are few moments in a parent's life more memorable than when one's baby takes its first steps. Especially when those first steps are to toddle to the door and lock you out of the house

Wal-Mart employees told to "use their best judgment" to figure out which holiday greeting is appropriate for whom. Black Jews everywhere rejoice in thought of potential cashier head asplosions

(168)

Russia has begun delivery of air defense missile systems to Iran. Who could possibly object to this?

(81)

(The Local)

Two men charged with killing a woman are released after police can't figure out which one to believe

Student booted from school assembly for holding a sign supporting opponent of Idol contestant who is a also a student of same school

Streets and freeways are a free to use commodity says Councilwoman. O RLY?

(75)

E-Indiana Jones...Raider of the Lost e-Bay

(Metro UK)

Mythical oil-covered nude creature unable to give police the slip

(Saanich News)

Residents flood phone lines after cojoined deer sighting

(12)

Beer Expert: Having a "beer sommelier" is like having a "baseball quarterback", we need a better name and it better not be French

British bridegroom spent his wedding night in jail after lighting up at reception. "I've paid $4,750 for this place, I can do what I like," he explained shortly before jailarity ensued

Wine being sold under the name of local high school mascot comes under fire as promoting under-age drinking

(insidebayarea.com)

If you're a chemically-castrated sex offender who's being monitored by GPS, don't drive around with a broken tail light and a 14-year-old boy in your car

If you posted " Free Baby Ad" on Craigslist...San Diego Police have a Barter for you

Vandals super-glued locks to 16 stores in downtown Philadlephia causing them to delay their openings on Black Friday

(89)

Russians claim it's just coincidence that Polonium 210, one of the rarest, hardest to detect, and most lethal elements on earth; (used almost exlusively in Russia) has been found during an autopsy of the poisoned Russian dissident

(156)

New survey finds Swedes trust IKEA more than the church. God unavailable for comment as he's trying to assemble those damn flat-packed bookcases

Swedish moose binges on fermented apples, gets drunk, drowns. I'm sure we can figure out some way to blame Bush

Compton residents offered gifts in exchange for guns… Or residents with guns can hold up those with gifts -- either way

(New Zealand Herald)

Employees who receive a hot cocoa sampler box for Christmas feel more appreciated than those who don't

Angry man strips in middle of the road "to the discomfort of the passing vehicular traffic"

(16)

Struggling to find a solution to illegal immigration, South American countries will drop all visa requirements between other south american countries

Miami Herald gunmen surrenders, denies he's French

(myfoxny.com)

9 months after running away at airport, sightings of award winning show dog continue

(China Daily)

In preparation for the 2008 Olympics, Chinese students have to be taught to smile

(85)

Man charge with trespassing claims he is an 'urban explorer' and that is why he was on the school's roof

Report finds people are less likely to commit crimes when there are lots of police around

Man eats 4.8 pounds of turkey in 12 minutes to win Thanksgiving eating contest. It only feels like you ate that much

The coolest fractal origami you will see today

We've come a long way from Tang and squeeze tubes - International Space Station astronauts dine on smoked turkey, candied yams, and cornbread dressing this Thanksgiving

Tired of being hit by lightning, car crashes, cave-ins, near drowning, and getting run over, man decides to fall down a manhole

Two artists spent three years tracking down every stuffed polar bear in Britain

Orrin Hatch concedes the new Congress should have enough votes to pass stem cell research, even to override a Presidential veto

(533)

Gunman takes control of Miami Herald, demands more coverage on OJ Simpson

(98)

Todays "Mowing while intoxicated" arrest comes to you from Binghampton, NY

(KVBC)

Say goodbye to passport free travel between US and Mexico or Canada

(313)

How to make a sling shot. Ay caramba

(53)

(The Steel Deal)

Rolling right along - the ballpoint pen turns 60 years old. Plus - how to make a rocket from one. Video zoomness

Congress layeth the smackdown on cellphone carrier lock-in

(International Herald Tribune)

(Canadian News Wire)

Not to be outdone by Quebec, the Association of First Nations decides it's time to circle the wagons as well

(231)

Hey, some good news for Michael Richards -- someone's coming to his defense (sorta). Bad news -- it's only Tom Green

(122)

The top 70 most brilliant scientists in the world predict the breakthroughs coming in the next 50 years. Flying car conspicuously absent from the list...again

(244)

Scientists discover that new form of concrete that can "eat" smog

(42)

(timesunion.com)

Inspired by Jesus' love, born-again Christian threatens, burglarizes, and burns down churches that fail to spread Christ's true message

(172)

Because we were all anxious to hear, David Blaine survives latest attention-whoring stunt; promises next stunt will be most difficult ever, going an entire five days without attention

(80)

(Houston Business Journal)

Researchers invent edible cotton. Next generation of t-shirts to include both washing instructions and cooking directions

Tony Blair to urge Scotland not to separate from U.K. in speech tentatively titled "Hoots man, wha wer' ye thinkin'? ''Tis nah a braw ide' et all"

(109)

(Poughkeepsie Journal.com)

After "buying" it from the US in 1977, Panama wants about $10 billion to expand the Panama Canal, so that ships carrying goods to the US can pass through it

(111)

New report finds half of all high schools fail to give students a decent education. The other third are OK

(66)

(FortWayne.com)

Charges dropped against naked prosecutor, apparently there was a problem in the briefs

(19)

And one charge of resisting arrest without clothes

(12)

Texas teen injured after SUV surfing. Everything was going swimmingly until someone pointed out the dangerous lack of Kenny Loggins background music

When making wild monkey sex in a hotel room, the only thing worse than thin walls is thin floors

(28)

Submitter submits seven summiter

(Hindustan Times)

Traffic engineers in Europe suggest that the best way to avoid road accidents is to remove road signs, markings and traffic lights

What would happen if a bag of holding was placed inside the Tardis?

(199)

(Some Dealer)

Drug gang runs newspaper ads denying involvement in kidnappings and killings. Also offering some great day after Thanksgiving sale prices

(8)

Long Island residents terrorized by youths hurling pumpkins at their parked cars. It's so bizarre," one says. "It almost seems physically impossible to hurl a pumpkin through two windows"

(KSTP)

Zombies sue Minneapolis for violating their civil rights. Undead mugshots included

(141)

You gonna wash your hands after taking a leak? No? Then I will stab your friend

16-year-old, unmarried actress who portrays Mary in "The Nativity Story" is with child. Holy Ghost sought for paternity test

(138)

Canada to be debt-free in 15 years

(167)

Thu November 23, 2006:

# of Comments

(ITweek)

The United Kingdom, the most heavily surveilled nation on the planet, mount cameras to the heads of police officers

(77)

(Daily Pilot)

When I think of "two-handed weapon combinations," the first things that pop to my mind are not "golf club and a sword."

Record-breaking eight-foot, 226-pound catfish caught off Spain. With pic of one big-ass catfish

(112)

(WNBC)

Today's "Construction workers find human skulls" story brought to you by Poughkeepsie, NY

Malingering spiritual malaise spurs demand for even more Star Wars sagas

Man dives off old bridge pier without checking water depth, gets paralyzed, and sues, only to discover no one owns the damn thing

(105)

Australians claim Poms are cheating with their new bat design at Ashes. With pic of bat that apparently takes "leg slip, leg gully, square leg, and even third legs" out of game, whatever the hell they are. Heather Mills' prothesis?

Storefront animatronic Christmas display becomes autoerotica as mechanical koala is possessed by the spirit of Ron Jeremy. Awwwww yeaaahhhh (with video goodness)

(www.IHT.com)

When the idea was shot down in the United States, Wal-Mart banks gets the go-ahead to open in Mexico

(73)

Rain hampers fire-fighting effort. Irony tag seen dancing for joy

Staff working for British town told not to hang Christmas decorations or ornaments, not because the council hates Christmas but because the workers are too clumsy to successfully stand on a chair

(23)

Former KGB spy who was poisoned has died

(145)

(HuffPost)

The World According To Jimmy Carter; Cliffs-notes version: whatever isn't Bush's fault is Israel's fault, except for a couple things that are Reagan's fault

(457)

(boulder daily camera)

There have been 156 calls from the blue emergency phones that dot the University of Colorado's main campus. Only three of them were legit. One solution calls for special buttons that are harder for drunk students to operate

Oil prices fall to 58.86 a barrel on news of no Turducken related accidents this year

(Some Fireman)

If you're hiking in the woods and get lost, a good way to get rescued is to start a signal fire. Because if that fire burns over 100 acres, they will definitely find you

BMW to Unveil Hydrogen 7, Decline BLUETEC Diesels at LA Auto

(50)

(Centre Daily Times)

Man driving on interstate painfully realizes why one doesn't stick a loaded gun down the front of one's pants

(42)

Jennifer Aniston still winning "Most Wanted Hairstyle" polls; so, pulling your hair out when your ex travels around the world having babies with a hotter woman CAN pay off

(ksdk.com)

Today's first "House burns down due to electric turkey smoker being left on all night on a wooden deck" comes to us from Maryville IL

(40)

(PennLive)

TFer's grandfather presented long-overdue Bronze Star and other medals for his service in WWII. Paperwork for [Hero] lost, finally recovered 61 years later

Theme: Worst.Desktop.Ever

(69)

How the pilgrims of yesteryear shaped our sex lives of today

Celebrate Thanksgiving with one of televisions greatest moments: The WKRP Turkey Drop. As God is my Witness

(87)

List of top ten best functioning democracies as ranked by "Economist Intelligence Unit Index of Democracy"

(173)

Email address with the letters "ps3" in it sells for $1,130

(103)

If there are any American Farkers out there, Happy Thanksgiving

(165)

In Baghdad, at least 140 people are dead in the deadliest single attack since the start of the war 3 years ago

(203)

TFer is cooking his turkey in an electric roaster. Difficulty: It's cooking but not getting brown. How do I avoid serving a pale ass bird?

(120)

(Some Carl)

Insta-shop: Photoshop your favorite Adult Swim characters into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

(40)

Part Time TF'r GoldenAppleCorp passed away Friday 11/17. Husband here letting the farkers know

(296)

California Highway Patrol just a little far from its jurisdiction....in Germany

The cadaver's tissue was tainted. You have been infected with an unusual germ. Your knee turns into a foul-smelling goo. You die from blood poisoning. Do you want your possessions identified?

(94)

How you know it's Thanksgiving season: Radio stations playing Christmas music 24/7

(115)

Photoshop this happy, bald cellphone guy

UK says it will withdraw from Iraq in early 2007

(311)

(Butterball Turkey)

Don't panic, take a deep breath, everything will be okay. It's a link to Butterball Turkey's most frequently asked questions

(NOLA.com)

See, when the Times-Picayune used the phrase "trailer trash" in the headline, it meant the quality of the trailers and not the residents. Nice save

"Lactivists" protest airlines anti-breastfeeding stance; Submitter also wants to go after "fellhaters" who oppose in-flight blowjobs

(269)

(Atlantic Monthly)

The top 100 influential figures in American history

(174)

(insidebayarea.com)

Reporter decides to investigate the incredible phenomenon of holiday travel: are people leaving their homes to visit family more now than ever before? Read the shocking conclusion

(MaineToday.com)

After a long and sometimes dangerous investigation, the police were able to recover two cases of stolen beer

Canadian PM declares Quebeckers as "a nation within a nation". Now Canada, like its currency, = 0.8 US

(478)

Fat, lazy shoppers can now ride the bus from one end of the mall to the other (4th item down)

(MaineToday.com)

(She) threw her car into reverse, but the turkey ran behind it. She steered the car down a side road, but the 20-pound gobbler stopped her there as well

Adult Swim to have balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade

(105)

Top ten fibs parents tell kids in the UK, including the Tooth Fairy, "carrots help night vision," and "we thought he had WMDs."

(97)

Why England is better than Australia. With babes in bikinis, the Sex Pistols, piss-poor Oz beer and Nicole Kidman. This link has everything

(211)

Mourners gather to for 43rd anniversary of JFK's assassination. And by "mourners", we mean foilhats, Elvis impersonators and John Lennon's piano. Hope it doesn't turn into a farce next year

(87)

Meals on wheels is giving pet food to the elderly

Dallas tourism officials attempting to lure gay and lesbian visitors, saying the city is a great place for them to spend their time, money and last few terrified moments of their lives among rednecks who disagree with their lifestyle

(100)

(Some Geek)

The 20 Sexiest Sci-Fi Babes. With SFW pic goodness

(410)

(KSL.com)

University embeds time capsule in building in 1957 to be opened in 50 years. No one writes down where. Sonarlarity ensues

18 year old keeps 12 year old sex slave in parent s house for 4 years. Parents didn't suspect anything *wink, wink*

(137)

This just in: In addition to his other well-documented character flaws, Hitler was also a bore. The Sun is there to Godwin the discussion

Not news: Plane takes off from the wrong runway. News: It was the same runway Comair Flight 5191 mistakenly took off from and crashed

After 100 years of technology advances, scientists think they know how 2,000-year-old calculator works

(67)

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 79: "Band Literal"

(147)

Wed November 22, 2006:

# of Comments

Today's "teacher's aide lets 11 year old boy lift her shirt/bra, touch and kiss her breasts" brought to you by Austin, TX (mug shot included)

(129)

(WWdN:iX)

Gamers who missed So-Cal Gen Con can stop crying into their dice bags. Wheaton's got your trip report right here

Mount St. Helens is brooding, but not going to erupt. Must be that time of the month again

(28)

Ugly ass giraffe... er, zebra... er, okapi born at Brookfield Zoo

(24)

First sex-toy ad to appear on British television. "Vibrating ring: apply directly to the weener. Vibrating ring: Apply directly to the weener"

Tennessee Christian groups call off protests against Wal-Mart, Sam's Club. "If we boycott these stores, there's noplace left we can buy toilet paper"

(94)

150-200 healthy dogs removed from elderly woman's rural residence

(Electric News)

Wife files order of protection against husband of 20 years after he started coming home drunk and scared the bejesus out of her by telling bedtime ghost stories

Give thanks for JetBlue: Airline to give out free beer on Thanksgiving flights

Anonymous caller uses mayor's Zamboni hotline. Police arrest drivers after slow, circular chase

Wow. That's a lot of balls

(77)

(NBC News)

Denver college offers Beer 101. The line to collect your credits starts behind submitter. (with video)

48 kickboxing orangutans flown back to Indonesia. Those apes were fast as lightning; in fact it was a little bit frightening

(WAFF)

Westboro Baptist to picket funerals of kids killed in bus accident

(309)

(AOL News)

Zoo poisons rare lion cubs due to lack of funding

Turkeys attempt to do what everyone else in New Jersey wants to do: leave. By train, nonetheless

Man protests golf course by building a fence with old toilets with scarecrows sitting on them. "It's only plumber art"

(16)

(TMZ.com)

Turns out Michael Richards' hateful n-word rant was a sequel to his hateful j-word rant; all you Madagascarites and children with Down's Syndrome, don't feel left out, you're up next

(229)

(NBC4)

Nothing says "Welcome to LA" like a toxic chemical spill near LAX

Traveling I-40 this Thanksgiving? Look for the police positioned every 10 miles in 8 states from North Carolina to California

(84)

From the you couldn't make this up if you tried department: PETA wants recently pardoned White House turkey relocated to sancturary because all the past pardoned turkeys were shipped to Frying Pan Park in Fairfax, Va and neglected

"Would you like a frog dissection kit with that sportcoat?"

(15)

Theme: Literal interpretation of a band's name

(163)

(MaineToday.com)

Good news in Maine, if you're convicted of beating up your wife and you hunt, you get to keep your guns. Dont forget to buy your wife that deer skin parka for Christmas

Semitrailer carrying live turkeys crashes. As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could drive

(44)

Panda porn credited for kick-starting the bear's Chinese population surge

(Some Wine Guy)

7 tasteless wine gadgets. Beer wins

(66)

(Rocky Mounatin News)

Partially clothed sex offender found in high school parking lot, claimed he was on the wrestling team

Police hold Turkey pope protesters. For those who didn't know that there was a Turkey Pope.. .now you do... and he's delicious

Great Escapes. Convicts getting out of jail, not men getting out of marriage

A nice gesture generates controversy already. Concerns arise over whether Canadian WW1 vet who spent most of his life living in the US should qualify for a state funeral

(Columbus, GA Ledger-Enquirer)

(Some Fundie)

Accept Jesus Christ as savior and get a free Playstation 3

(151)

Macy's Parade balloons threatened by their arch nemisis, wind. If only they still had some Gimbels

(40)

(Amazon.com)

279 of 415 people found this PS3 review helpful: "...But I was too late, and my precious daughter burned to death..."

(166)

Imams call for airline boycott by muslims after detention. Sounds like a win-win for everyone involved

(369)

(Time)

"No survivor of a murdered spouse who is innocent could do anything so grotesque. The mere act of engaging in so unimaginably repulsive an exercise is the ultimate proof of Simpson's guilt."

(151)

(NBC10)

Top notch investigative reporting reveals teenagers are having sex in movie theaters. Bonus: Puts up a video of a 14 year old girl giving step by step instructions how `her friends' do it

(158)

Bush pardons Flyer the turkey. Flyer to be featured on this Sundays 60 Minutes amid rumors of sleep deprivation and waterboarding before his release

(67)

Remember myspace "Bubba" sex offender who forgot to register his myspace page. Turns out it was a joke by his friend and now he has to plea bargain

(81)

Man obsessed with "A Christmas Story pays $150,000 for Ralphie's house. The joke's on him, though, 'cause it's been removed from the original packaging

(178)

Oregon man sets Guinness record with huge rubber-band ball. Silly tag bounces up and down

Stranger knocks on man's door, asks to use bathroom, proceeds to lock himself in leading to three hour standoff with police. Officers use tear gas, Dulcolax to end ordeal

Fark Party NW PA, Tonight 7pmish at Beefeater's in Bradford, PA. Drew will be there, cmon out

Today's first-grader bringing "baggie of cocaine" for show-and-tell brought to you by Leesburg, Fla

Estranged son comes home to reconcile with parents only to find out his mom kept father's "Dead Body" locked in a bedroom for 3 years

(94)

Manila stops real version of Snakes on a Plane. Fark: snakes in diapers

(23)

Grade inflation making it difficult for colleges to find the best potential students. Your dog got a 4.0 and still can't get into Harvard

(224)

(Some Yinzer)

Today's "Woman arrested for being drunk at DUI hearing" story brought to you by Pittsburgh, PA

Only one cop had to die for a judge to suggest that maybe mental patients should be required to get treatment even if they don't want it

(82)

Woman drinks some wine, misdials 411, gets 911, hangs up. Moments later Police team breaks down the door, arrests, interrogates and stick her and husband in jail for the night for realz

(223)

Everyone knows that you should always finish what you start. Unless, of course, you happen to be driving a school bus while 13 times over the legal alcohol limit. Then you probably need to go ahead and stop

(44)

Canadian Prime Minister and opposition leader play a rousing game of "You know how I know you're gay?" during House question period

(117)

Lebanon cancels Independence Day celebration, replaces it with We Love Syria (Please Stop Killing Us) celebration

(223)

After getting an erection during meditation, Buddhist monk decides the only way to really rid himself of the distraction is a straightforward penisectomy

(163)

Plans to roll "world's biggest joint" go up in smoke when organizers are told that a 1000-gram joint is against the law even in Amsterdam. Curse you, Captain Buzzkill, for keeping a brother down

(250)

(Businessweek)

Plasmas, LCD's at war: prices lowest in last 2 years. Bipartisan committee supports this war effort

(262)

(All Headline News)

Dutch carpenter unveils his latest line of erotic furniture inspired by the nude female form, including a bedside dresser drawer which opens by pressing a button in the furniture's "vagina"

(125)

Blood tests debunk cat-puppy claim

(96)

Christmas Tree Gun ornament draws fire

(133)

(WESH.com)

Today's tautological headline: "Unlicensed Drivers Disregard State's Driving Laws"

(NewsChannel 5)

If you're a regular enough customer that the bank tellers know your name, perhaps you might consider that it would not be unwise, nor unloyal, to rob another branch of the same bank

Photoshop this lab demonstration

(International Herald-Tribune)

Canadians catch Russian spy. He must have been lost , as there's no reason to spy on Canada

(91)

China's answer to Numa Numa guy, Xiao Peng or "Little Fatty" in Chinese, has learned to take his internet celebrity status in stride

(64)

(This is Local London)

Pet shop fined £500 for selling hamster without a licence. Your dog wants to borrow the car

What is the proper tip percentage when robbing a convenience store? We now have someone to ask

(Copenhagen Post)

Danish funeral directors want to burn corpses to heat churches. Note to self: Don't visit Denmark

Last Canadian WWI vet to die will get a state funeral, Flying Hellfish bootie

Heidi Fleiss says reports that she's hiring Mike Tyson for her male whorehouse "a ridiculous hoax"

(67)

Barbara Bush (the hot one) has her purse and cell phone stolen while on vacation in Argentina. Secret Service is on the case

(177)

If you are heading out of the country after January 23, don't forget your passport -- they may not let you back in, otherwise

(65)

International consortium to build experimental fusion reactor in France that will "emulate the power of the Sun". What could possibly go wrong?

Pope-commissioned condom study passes first hurdle: they fit over his hat

(115)

Man feels his doctor botched his penis enlargement surgery, sends him a mail bomb. No need to get bent out of shape, dude

Heather Mills McCartney says she'd "rather have all her limbs cut off" than stay married to Sir Paul. Well, one out of four ain't bad

"After being decapitated, the average person remains conscious for an additional 15-20 seconds. Talk about a way to go."

(180)

Oil rises above $60 after news of the lack of a Britney Spears sex tape

(Kos)

Turns out, UCLA taser cop has a history of violence, other crappy DVD's

(107)

Barbie to Bratz: I own you, biatch

(Some raw story)

Apple shares hit an all-time high; suck it, peecee users

(308)

Guy who dresses up as a giant cigarette in Virginia to discourage kids from smoking busted for bigamy. There's a lesson in here somewhere about not putting strange things in your mouth, ladies (pic)

Your La-Z-Boy can also save your life when your pissed off wife decides to empty a revolver into your head. Just don't tell her that's factoring into your buying decisions

(Mosnews.com)

Ukrainian policeman swallows $400 while being arrested in bribery sting

(13)

Amatuer spelunkers discover new fossil species of 100 million year old fish. Looks something like a barracuda or swordfish, but definately not a transitional fossil. No way, no how, uh uh

(106)

Rare killer owl terrorizing lottery-winning rapist. Stuff like this is why you come to Fark

(95)

Scientists take time out of their busy schedules to figure out why teenagers are stupid

Today's 92 year old woman shooting 3 police officers with a shotgun because they raided the wrong house brought to you by Atlanta, Georgia

(416)

Tue November 21, 2006:

# of Comments

(Daily Times)

Male breast cancer survivor raises awareness, eyebrows

The founding member of the National Hobo Foundation has gone to that great box car in the sky

(92)

(Some Chick)

Director of housing for low income families gets a new Hummer. Needy families get UFIA

(147)

Bootleg OJ Simpson may show up soon online. In other news, the sun may set tonight

(49)

White journalist dons full length burka & veil for undercover report, discovers its uncomfortable & makes people suspicious. Not news indeed

(85)

Four ugly-assed cheetah cubs born at St. Louis Zoo. All together now - awwwww

(60)

Only 6 in 10 U.S. babies born in wedlock. The rest born in i-really-like-you-a-whole-lot lock

(318)

Happy Thanksgiving from those Cheat Commandos

(62)

Flying home this Thanksgiving? Lost luggage reports up 81% over last Thanksgiving. Your dog wants a tag on his pet taxi

Third-grade teacher walks into class wearing Pilgrim hat, snatches up pencils, backpacks and glues sticks, saying the items now belong to him because he "discovered" them

(441)

Soldier taunts children with water. I'm going to go sit in the corner and cry now

(978)

Bindi Irwin has been getting over father Steve's death just a little too well, psychologist brought in to stop happy thoughts

(77)

Apparently, the idea of stealing stuff out of houses and posting pictures of yourself with it on MySpace hasn't gotten old for teenagers

New evidence shows CIA may have been involved in Kennedy assassination. Not that one, the other one

(132)

Paxil activates man's Body Thetans, causing him to embezzle millions. Judge agrees

(91)

(Argus Leader)

Today's "Man shows up at courthouse with marijuana" story brought to you by Sioux Falls

Men participating in speed dating five percent more likely to meet women for every inch they have on their rivals. In height, you perverts

(196)

(900chml.com)

If you posed as a repair person, walked into a store and removed an ATM from unsuspecting workers recently, the police have matching jewelry they'd like to give you for your cunning efforts

Bush: "As the Iraqi army stands up, we'll stand down." Generals in charge of training the Iraqi army: "Steven Hawkings has a better chance of standing up than these guys"

(121)

Students at "Free School" in NYC have no grades or homework, and don't have to go to class. Students to be "job free" in a few years, get "free ride" from taxpayers

(147)

(the Ha Ha Guy)

If the guy behind you in line at the gas station you're about to rob is wearing a "Shreveport Police Dept" shirt... well, he's probably a cop

Not news: Train stalls. News: Train stalls because it hits and kills someone on the tracks. Fark: Train sent to retrieve stalled train riders strikes and kills a second person

Police are investigating reports of a sexual offender repeatedly masturbating over sleeping women, but they urge you not to worry, as they have the situation in hand

Biblo, Gandalf, Thorin, Óin, Glóin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fíli, Kíli, Dori, Nori, Ori, Elrond, Gollum and Bard to hold protest in Lake-town

(244)

Adult sex shops moving to the suburbs, people no longer have to get off near the interstate

NASA scientist says we have 10 years to buy hybrids and shutter our electric plants or global warming will kill us deader than Elvis

(424)

Officer who claimed he was conducting his own prostitution sting and supplementary strip search and body cavity check, surprised to find that he's the one being the one arrested

Hey NW PA Farkers: How about beers in Bradford, PA tomorrow evening? Suggestions as to where? My dad and sisters might come too -- Drew

(131)

Journalist + Math = "It was designed to withstand wind speeds of up to 200 kilometers (1,240 miles) per hour"

That's just how the Dutch roll

Annapolis mall shooting tied to school feud, which was linked to neighborhood feud, which was fueled by -- wait for it -- MySpace

(Some monotone)

Man's voice stolen. Fran Drescher still at large. Where is the justice?

What do you do when there are demons in your house and your weed tastes funny? Yup, call the cops

(127)

(WOODtv.com)

Romero gets scooped again, as WOODtv reports that homeless people are often insane

(107)

Current CNN poll: "Is an apology by comic Michael Richards for his racist rant enough?" Submitter asks, "Enough for what, exactly?"

(678)

Army recruiters admit they do drugs from time to time while trying to sign-up new enlistees (watch the undercover video)

(91)

Woman finds dumping boiling water on husband is not an acceptable way to wake him up

(WTRF)

Never underestimate the appeal of Dale Earnhardt Jr. fuzzy dice

Nearly 50 percent of drivers admit to not trying to get better gas mileage when gas was $3.00 per gallon, just complained just to hear themselves speak -- includes Fark shoutout

World's first hydrogen fuel-cell powered motorcycle runs silently, has no emissions...and accelerates like a stoned '89 Yugo

(133)

Prominent Beirut Christian cabinet minister gunned down by Lebanonynmous gunman

(159)

(heraldonline.com)

Among the throbbing throttles, pumping pistons and traction action, the bride wore red, the minister was named "Meathead," and Grave Digger was in the background. Welcome to the world of monster truck weddings

(Record Online)

"More blood, more blood" -- kids chanting at party as police sergeant is beaten by angry teens

(162)

Man starts Mile High Club business: $750 gets you 90 minutes in the back of his Cessna's "retro lounge jazz club," at 6000 feet. Awwwww yeaahhhhhhhhhh

(88)

Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history

(828)

Inmate to guard: I'm having homicidal urges. Guard to inmate: Prove it. Here's some fresh meat

"For 15 years, Joe Beam preached the word of God. Now in God's house, he preaches about good, hot Christian sex"

(132)

Director Robert Altman dead. Funeral expected to be star-studded, rambling, plotless

(123)

(Radio & Records)

CBS officials testify that the FCC is "threatening to choke off free speech." Captain Obvious would respond, but he's still trying to raise money to pay his fines for that wardrobe malfunction he'd rather not talk about

This year's Euphemism Award goes to the U.S. Department of Agriculture: You're not hungry, you just have "very low food security"

(news-leader.com)

Police seek really good thief but really poor driver, who steals and wrecks a big rig, a pickup truck and a car in rapid succession

(12)

(Tribune Review)

Retired school teacher finds 50-year-old stock certificate; builds skate park so the kids will stay off his lawn

(79)

Jones Soda introduces pea-flavored soda to try and steal market share away from Budweiser and its pee-flavored beer

The yo-yo was originally a bird-hunting device. Can someone explain how?

(115)

After knife amnesty in Scotland is enacted, number of deaths inflicted by knife halves. Obviously a coincidence as we all know the more weapons there are, the safer everyone is

(233)

Have you ever sat there and wondered what gift to get that picky trillionaire relative of yours for Christmas? If so, CNET has you covered

Fugitive featured on America's Most Wanted posts his address and a picture of himself on dating website, saying he "likes to cuddle." Somehow, authorities are able to track him down

Over 200 car stereos stolen over the weekend because of an urban myth which says they can be used to decode digital TV boxes

Woman, 95, prepares for her final exams. Did anybody else know there would be a test at the end?

Handcuffed man in back of police car shoots himself in the back of the head. "Unlikely" tag goes with Philly like cheez whiz on a steak sammich

(97)

Dominatrix alleges bizarre sexcapade with cop: "He wanted to go to a motel in the Bronx where I would defecate on him, but I told him I was uncomfortable going to the Bronx." These things write themselves

(114)

It's the holiday season and time for that yearly list of toys that will burn, choke, maim, dismember or render your child sterile

(Central Florida News 13)

Nancy Grace having the legal smackdown laid on her

(284)

Six Muslim imams taken off of plane after scaring the shiate out of the passengers by standing up and chanting and praying before flight. It's the passengers fault for not knowing everything about Islam, says imam

(618)

Britney may leak sex tape free to the Internet to keep Fed-Ex from making any money off it. It's been a long time coming, but Britney + free sex tape + biatchslapping Cletus = tag

(238)

If the United States did bring back the draft, would you flee or fight?

(1856)

(American.com)

List of 10 best business movies ever

(146)

Zero to 300: Bugatti Veyron

(96)

Australians are "anti-intellectual" and "hostile to learning." The fact that their Education Minister refers to schoolteachers as "Maoists" might have something to do with it

Right there on the shelf at the local bookstore, along with "Everybody Poops" and "The Gas We Pass," is an endearing new children's book called "Mommy Has a Tattoo," written by mommy's parole officer

(Richmond Times Dispatch)

Computer glitch refunds over $323,000 to dozens of college students. In an unrelated story, drug use on campus has increased tenfold

(Khaleej Times)

Malaysian woman seeks legal action against a man who made false promises of marriage when he took her virginity. To be fair to him, at least she still has the box it came in

Top Iraqi comedian killed. Goodnight, funnyman

(79)

Man's home may be his castle, but his lawn is not a rail yard, says local council

Wedding tent renter: "Your wedding sounded cheap, nasty and tacky anyway, so we only ever considered you time wasters." How not to succeed in business

(105)

(All Headline News)

Having solved all other crimes, Chicago police set up elaborate sting operation to bust a "serial litterer"

(49)

Photoshop this 14-pound Civil War projectile

(65)

(Gamespot)

Taco Bell to swap a liftime supply of tacos for a PS3, which will then be given to charity. Because what charity wouldn't rather having the latest in gaming technology rather than $12,500 worth of food?

(75)

(myfoxny.com)

Yet another explanation for American cars sucking

(79)

Pregnant mother gets surprise -- an AK-47 melee at her baby shower. Shooter said he ain't the daddy

(97)

World's most powerful superconducting magnet is up and running. Iron core asteroid impact now scheduled for England

Weeeee An old favorite.... Not safe for work Language

(80)

"I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this"

(495)

Japanese sub rams civilian ship; initial reports indicate they mistook it for Rodan

Mon November 20, 2006:

# of Comments

Motorists will soon be fined up to $300 for throwing litter from vehicles with no proof required. If a cop sees it, you're gone

Six people in fifty five minutes are accosted by four suspects wearing four hats committing three robberies with two large dark handguns, and one large silver handgun in a one mile radius

Man eager to make a killing on his PS 3 ends up selling it for 10 bucks on Ebay

(176)

Packers QB done for the season. Duke sucks

(96)

(IHT.com)

Six students break world record by reading aloud for six straight days. They must have gotten on the Fark Politics page and just read the posts from a random flame war

(24)

(kstp.com)

Checklist of Wisconsin hottub party: Beer- check. Women-check. Swimsuits-check. Dead Deer - che..what?

If you sleep your way to the top don't be surprised if nude pics get emailed around after your biggest promotion

(111)

(Daily Mail)

Daily Mail asks if this is the luckiest or most stupid man in Britain. Let's see: bare-chested, drunk and dangling from a 25,000-volt power line. Take Door Number 2

Review: Sony PlayStation 3 Worth the Wait -- and Price

(395)

British prison officials baffled that 70 inmates have escaped their 'Open Prison'

(Defamer)

House of Blues can't even trick people into accepting free Kevin Federline concert tickets

(102)

Today's "science teacher lets kids share needles in class experiment" story brought to you by Redwood City, CA

(Team4news.com)

Million dollar Goya painting "Children with a Cart", stolen from a Pennsylvania truckstop while enroute to the Guggenheim, returned to authorities

(24)

(Journal Now)

Just in time for Thanksgiving, Butterball is sold to Carolina Turkeys for $325 million

(Some Jealous Guy)

Today's hot teacher story comes from Strongsville, Ohio (with pic). Bonus: Kid's family helped cover it up

(181)

Music City preps for imminent flood from faulty dam. Other cities shudder at the thought of all that refugee honkytonk and badonkydonk

(TMZ.com)

Michael Richards apologizes via satellite on Letterman tonight (with guest Jerry Seinfeld) for racist outburst at comedy club

(583)

U.S. voted unfriendliest toward foreigners. Obvious tag tells Unlikely tag to go back where it came from

(184)

Photoshop this central electrode of a plasma lamp

(106)

Regifting: Financially savvy, or just plain tacky? Plus key tips for the serious regifter

(73)

(Montgomery Advertiser)

Governor pardons Turkey. Turkey goes into pen. Coyote goes into pen. Farewell and adieu to mi old Spanish maiden

(Courant)

FBI documents show it helped mobsters frame innocent people for murder

Utah Jazz name arena after nuke waste dump. Springfield's Monty Burns thinks idea is "Exxxcellent"

Deja vu all over again: White House brushes off report saying that Iran has no nuclear programs

(571)

Chimps prefer MILFS

(120)

Trying to spark goodwill in NYC, three men dressed as Robin Hood throw $4,000 into the air. Somehow, a riot broke out

Man behind Fark farmers-market cliche sentenced

(Fox Memphis)

Gas from New Orleans to Memphis: $75. New home in Memphis for family displaced by Katrina: $75,000. Having the family sell the home without ever moving in: Priceless

(254)

Actual headline: "Pork rinds foil Morristown burglary." Mmmm... pork rinds...

(28)

(Newsnet5)

Ah, Christmas time... a chill in the air, decorations on street lamps, the Nazi gingerbread display at the local hardware store

Fox kills OJ

(303)

Yahoo to team up with over 150 newspapers to create giant conglomeration of things that used to be relevant and interesting, but aren't any more

Just in time for Thanksgiving, the media is rolling out that "Cyber Monday" myth again

(78)

Kroger forced by a federal jury decision to pay $1.4 million in damages for selling gas too cheap. You know how oil execs get when you take away their profit margins

(153)

If you molest a 15-year-old girl and get her pregnant, don't take her to the abortion clinic with the protestors who have been there for two years photgraphing everyone who walks in

(183)

The upside of stealing copper wiring? The prices are sky-high. The downside? When you shock yourself at the substation, it may burn your fingerprints into the paint

(WHNT)

"School bus flips off Interstate." Interstate retaliates by mooning school bus

(179)

Tampa cigar makers hoping their 101-foot cigar will break a record. Monica Lewinsky reported to be practicing her Kegel exercises

Man beats a drunk, ninja-attired teen he found hiding in his house. Police: "We're sorry that this is the way the justice system is, but you gave him more justice than he'd ever get in a courtroom"

(239)

Some cheap guy

5 digital photo frames that won't break the bank

(129)

Today's "entire cruise ship gets sick" story brought to you by Ft. Lauderdale

(bloomberg.com)

By suggesting that Israel is too weak to attack Iran, Ahmadinejad raises his middle finger at the dynamite monkey

(286)

Note to self: Next time I'm selling PS3s in a dark parking lot in the middle of the night to dudes I met on Craigslist, be prepared to be robbed and beaten. Because I'm dumb

(235)

West Virginia has a problem with obesity. Obvious tag loosens its belt and lets it all hang out

(153)

Just another day for crews on the Bangor fire department: False alarm, garbage fire, false alarm, horse stuck in septic tank

Several Fox affiliates are refusing to air the upcoming OJ Simpson murdering attention whorefest

(159)

Fox News eyes creating a right-leaning satirical show, not realizing that Bill O'Reilly has been on their network for years

(329)

(wsoctv.com)

Michael Richards, apparently realizing that fame from "Seinfeld" is fading fast, goes on racial tirade against black hecklers at comedy club. At least he didn't burn Puerto Rican flag or people would really be upset

(950)

Drew has a book coming out June 14th, pre-order now and help us rig first week sales listings (DIT)

(236)

(Ocala.com)

Trial hinges on naked photos of teen dancer. In other news, some juries are better to serve on than others

(125)

How grungy is New York City? Clean public bathrooms are now a tourist attraction

Bank robbers lock tellers in vault, tell them to "pray to Jesus." Tellers pray to 911 instead

Counterfeit money such a problem in Canada that central bank warns the number of fake $17 bills with Wayne Gretzky's picture on them in circulation could soon outnumber real ones

(83)

Beefy, middle-aged "Hairy Christmas Fairy" spreads holiday cheer, fear by giving out cash to strangers while dressed in tutu, tiara, wings, tiger-print pants and white fishnets (pic)

Bush may declare an end to the Korean War in exchange for Kim Jong-Il giving up on having nukes

(95)

"God is not impressed with the size of your breasts"

(316)

Pentagon sees three options for Iraq: Stay the course, stay the course with fewer troops, cut and run

(318)

Today's "surveillance video of people trying to steal an alligator from a zoo" story brought to you by Clearwater

Vial of mustard gas accidentally broken at U.S. military research facility. Large, bearded man in orange shirt and and apron sought for questioning

The U.S. Mint set to introduce new presidential dollar coins that nobody will use

(227)

Writer of article explains the link between the mark of the beast and barcodes. Submitter thinks writer has his tinfoil hat on a little too tight. Where's my Tylenol?

Authorites release sketch of "Jack The Ripper." Keep an eye out, he's Hispanic

(113)

Old and busted: Bottled water. New hotness: Bottled oxygen

(101)

Ways Australia can kill you, No. 46,725: Redbacks in your wetsuit

(113)

Potato price hikes in England expected to outstrip gasoline increases due to hot summer that has left spuds waxy and covered in scabs, just like their market

If you happen to be missing a penis, the Mpumalanga police are holding it

If you're planning on deep frying your turkey this Thanksgiving, the fire department would like you to follow these important tips

(124)

The collection of stereotypical gamerz

(178)

Teeth found in Ontario attic may belong to mastadon skeleton