Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-11-12 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Drive a magnetic ball through a magnetic world

(9)

2,000 twitchers descend on sleepy village to catch sight of rare bird. Villagers say 'Auk, no'

(5)

Alton Brown thanksgiving special - why not go liquid nitrogen this year?

(16)

Today's retirement planning tip brought to you by a study that finds number 13 is the number least likely to be drawn in the lottery

(13)

Huge numbers of British women complain they are sex-starved because they spend too much time cleaning

(39)

Reason # 9483 that hollywood profits are down. They made Van Wilder 2. - - without Van Wilder

Koreans develop non-combustible, non-polluting paper battery

If you try to rob jewelry store, make sure the owner doesn't have power to lock you inside

Photoshop these shoppers

Fareed Zakaria discussing Iraq: "This is not our chessboard"

Newest sport: Urban sprinting. Bonus: Raising Arizona theme music (Some language not safe for work)

(56)

After critical acclaim of Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood ready embrace another movie with homosexuals. Specifically, Beyonce and Eva Longoria as a lesbian couple in new movie "Tipping the Velvet." Blockbuster, baby

(213)

Skydiver disrupts electricity in Keys after crashing into live power lines and lying tangled up in them on ground for fifteen minutes until crew arrives. That's gotta hurt

(Radioactive Guy)

Israel used new type of tactical nuke bunker buster in Lebanon

(491)

U.S.: Cuban dictator health is deteriorating. Zombie Castro : Mmmmm, brains.... braiiiinnnssss

(89)

(WCPO)

While arguing with her son's father, this mother of the year throws the kid into oncoming traffic

(143)

(NY Daily News)

Woman kills husband by beating him with elephant statue. Where's your Ganesha now

City's street landscaping project results in lovely magnolias planted along white, rich end of avenue; scraggly shrubs planted on black, poor end. Planners wonder why anyone would complain

(230)

Phoshop these mirrored legs

Cletus threatens to go public with sex tapes: "Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating."

(326)

Very cool pictures of the glasswing butterfly

In a world... where one man... voices all movie trailers...this is that man

(171)

(Some Gal)

Today's illegal animal hoarder brought to you from Sullivan County NY. Cats, dogs, geese, donkeys, birds, a bobcat. Oh yeah, and she's the animal control officer

Town passes lawn that half of all road signs must be female figures with skirts and ponytails. Boobies / Don't Boobies crosswalk signs expected to be a huge hit

Vampire leopard attacks German zookeeper

The most dangerous road in the world

(105)

(Dethroner)

Five delicious words: Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream

(CNNSI)

Differences between college football and the NFL. Or, why the NFL is a generic and stale piece of garbage compared to college football

(128)

United States' airlines break all-time record for the amount of luggage they lose. USA USA USA

(Daily Mail)

Ugly-ass baby Asian elephant born at English zoo (with pic of fuggliness)

(Indian Express)

Parents offer second daughter as a bonus 'spare' to the guy who married their first daughter giving new twist to "Buy one get one free"

(wsbtv.com)

This week's "3 children found in apartment with cocaine, meth, marijuana, 200 used hypodermic needles, and a loaded gun" brought to you by POTY from Sandy Springs, GA. (pic & vid)

(71)

Georgia community proudly displays the names of their veterans in courthouse. The names are divided into two lists. Whites and Colored. Tradition seems to trump common sense

Nevada Supreme Court upholds law banning lap dancing and requiring strippers to keep their distance from customers, pretty much invalidating the best part of Las Vegas

Two men take their long-running CB radio feud to WallyWorld parking lot, one gets pepper sprayed and one gets shot. If you guessed their 10-20 was Florida, that'd be a big 10-4, good buddy

Nifty collection of audio cassette images

Ex-Partridge David Cassidy to release a greatest hits album ... at age 60. Yells at groupies to get off his lawn

(49)

(Mmm... 105 Lb Burgerrrrrr)

Photoshop this sleep cycle

(63)

Thousands of children are starving to death in Japan, yet some folks feel compelled to create a world record 105 lb hamburger. With photos of the delicious monstrosity

(120)

(Evening Star)

Couple finds giant paw prints in their garden (with pic)

Judge gets in trouble for bringing loaded gun into courtroom and starting his session with "Locked and loaded"

Guy mauled by shark off Maui. You submitted this with an ASCII headline

(63)

Grey squirrel wanted in Britain for "crimes against songbirds." Thing's got balls

The Australian Council of Social Services is now giving teenage mothers their welfare money in installments, as too many mothers were using the lump sum to buy plasma TVs

(71)

(Monsters and Critics)

The Houston-based landscaping company that made the news after refusing to work for gay customers lost $1000 of business due to their discriminatory policies. And picked up $40,000 more. 'Follow-up' trumps 'Sad'

(374)

California stops doing background checks on its prison guards because it costs too much money. Don't worry - pretty much the worst that could go wrong has already gone wrong

Venice: "We're telling you, we don't want levees." Italy: "Die in a flood"

New Orleans get chance to dunk FEMA official in tank of water in fundraising event. Unfortunately, no floating balls of fire ants were involved

Guy tells idiot teen not to swear in public, gets questioned for five hours on suspicion of assault. Probably be doing life if he told the little bastard to get off his lawn

Sat November 11, 2006:

# of Comments

(News & Star)

Firewalker heads back to the coals after 10-day hospital stay for scorched feet

20 "funniest" images

What do Magnum P.I., Hulk Hogan and Borat all have in common? They're in this slideshow of TV's Best Moustaches

The Mensa holiday gift guide

(113)

Top British cop wants to make burning flag a crime. Apparently, hippies are a growing problem across the pond also

(89)

The most beautifulest images in the world

(kiplinger.com)

Ten job hunting myths

(133)

Photoshop this airy gazebo

Woman shot in the head six times and lives. Says she wants to "extract the bullets, live my life, and talk to Peter Weller's doctors"

(67)

(Some ConfusedGuy)

Does she want you or does she just want to be friends? The Guidelines for Platonic Friendship

(187)

(RINF)

Plans underway to microchip every baby born in U.S. and Europe. This story brought to you by $5.87 and Reynolds Wrap

At least 30 inmates on Death Row on Texas have MySpace pages. Current mood: condemned to die >:-(

Do you deserve your high school diploma? Take this handy quiz

(421)

American beers take home boucoup prizes in Swedish beer festival

(71)

(allgoodarticles)

Flirting 101: 10 tips to make them drool. Submitters tip #11: Steak

(138)

Slideshow of James Bond's best spy cars

If you have an old Playstation 1 sitting around, hook it up to your stereo- it is apparently one of the finest audio CD players ever made

(241)

Professors are being targeted by students angry over failing grades in ever-increasing numbers. You submitted this with a more threatening headline

Sea cows more intelligent than previously believed. Oh, the shrewd manatee

(9News)

Ever wonder if you can do like on TV....skip out on the restaurant tab and wash dishes instead? Yes you can, but the judge will make you wash the dishes in the prison kitchen. On Thanksgiving Day

Orangutan chooses his baby's name by marking the name "Dumadi" with a paintbrush. Still no word on how "Apple," "Prince Michael II" or "Moxie Crimefighter" were picked

(Consumerist)

Sam Walton meets Godwin when chain is busted for selling clothing with Nazi symbols. Lower Prices Uber Alles

(117)

New brakes will cut your car’s stopping distance in half. Better hope the guy behind you has them too

Genius bombmaker manages to injure only himself in a blast at an A&W fast-food restaurant in Jakarta. In other news, there's an A&W in Indonesia

(NY Daily News)

McDonald's to be healthier and cut out the fat content in their food -- only in Europe

How Canadians keep warm. I got 10:1 says this guy can kick the living crap out of ya. Includes lick to cool video goodness

1-800-Goodbye

Shockingly, it's still considered "inappropriate" (aka illegal) for a guy to crossdress and do himself in a public library. Lois Einhorn unavailable for comment beyond "This is why Duke sucks"

(22)

Woman sends out message in a bottle, gets a response 30 years later from a man raised in her hometown

(22)

Elementary student threatened with psychiatric evaluation after visiting 9/11 websites

(173)

KIWI (if you don't shed at least one tear by the end of this you're a heartless machine)

(239)

Prius-owning households average lower fuel economy than Civic/Corolla households

78-year old woman competes in the Ironman competition, swims into farmer's market

Its Off With His Head: Vandals behead a George Washington statue at an N.Y. church and leave a $1 bill in its place (Video Included)

You've Gotta Admit -- It's a Better Name than "Wang Center"

Apparently Tuesday's election results were not understood by the Pentagon, as they prepare to re-deploy National Guard units to Iraq

Prep school teacher fired for asking girls to try on swimsuits during gym class. Guess Victoria's Secret sleepware is definite no too

Man dies on hospital toilet, goes unnoticed for two days. Caitlin Bree unavailable for comment

"Pumpkin-headed deer becoming weaker, more distressed"

(AHN)

National Phobics' Society reports four million people in Britain suffer from 'toilet phobia.' That's pretty crappy

(54)

Photoshop this old guy without enough grass to run the kids off of

Scottish restaurant unveils $5,000 pizza. Yeah, it's expensive, but it does come topped with gold shavings

(74)

(WKYC.com)

Crime fighting chihuahua gets big promotion

The top 10 strangest gadgets found in the back of magazines. Laser comb listed

Online college courses experience 'phenomenal' growth - especially among college men studying female anatomy

65% of Britons dunk their biscuits. The Sun, as you might expect, is there

(54)

Three highly intoxicated women get ticked off at one another and decide to pull into a parking lot to settle their differences. Only one problem: they pulled into one that was 75 yards away from police headquarters

(Baltimore City Paper)

What are people in Baltimore scared of? Lots:" I'm frightened of waking up one morning to a fly wife, smart, well-adjusted kids, and a good-ass job. I don't want to be confined to a paint-by-numbers existence"

(122)

Gymnastics instructor invents new move: The triple-splat. Unfortunately he was attempting a quad something or other

11th MONTH, 11th DAY, 11th HOUR

(180)

(Great Falls Tribune)

If you're a nursing student, bear in mind that your medical training does not include breaking into your neighbors' house and stealing their prescription pills

(19)

(WMTW.com)

Sheriff a-noid about pizza party at jail

Australia's controversial "Where the bloody hell are you" advertising campaign fails to increase tourism

Islamic hip-hop artists accused of indoctrinating young against the West. You had us ready to kill at the phrase "Islamic hip-hop"

Leader of Britain’s Communist Party has become a multi-millionaire after inheriting a £20.5 million painting. I guess we will see how communist she is if she keeps the cash

(156)

Jesus Camp is closing down. Closing down. Closing down

(218)

Elementary school children forced to spend lunchtime with their noses to the wall and their names written on their backs. The real story is that there isn't a lawsuit pending

(49)

Thai zoo to teach panda to mate by showing the male panda some porn videos. Extra large remote, for them big fingers, to be provided to fast forward the dialogue bits

(50)

Navy parrot "retired" before Queen's visit as it had a vocabularly comparable to Prince Phillip's

(Guardian Series)

People in UK freak out when bomb is found in doorway. Actualy it was a 22 rimfire round, but reporter writes article as if it was a backpack nuke. EVERYBODY PANIC

(171)

A dead man has been blamed for hundreds of speeding offences in Australia in what police believe is a major fraud designed to help motorists avoid traffic fines

(23)

Mars Global Surveyor has been out of contact with Earth for nearly a week, which means it must have found something and has been turned off

Photoshop this bartender

Astrophysicist says Rubik's Cubes are easy, getting laid astronomically more difficult

The coolest toothpick art you'll see today

(Sheboygan Press)

Motel owner forces fugitive purse-snatcher to run down the street wearing only a bra and sweatpants

If this isn't on the top 10 worst ways to get murdered list, it should be

(166)

From the you haven't thought your cunning plan through files: Man robs from remote island, forgets getaway boat

(15)

Hilton introduces new hand massage to relieve business travelers with "BlackBerry thumb." For $20 extra, Paris will even throw in a happy ending

(Brandonsun.com)

Canadians consuming paper at an alarming rate despite access to computers, food

(Times-Journal)

When relieving yourself in front of a restaurant, make sure to turn away so diners won't see. Also, be sure you aren't turning so a police officer can see

Donor withdraws $20M over "insult." Will MonsterJobs soon list an opening for new university president?

Fri November 10, 2006:

# of Comments

(Some driver)

If you're going to crash into someone's house and then drive off, make sure you take your license plate with you

(16)

What's drunk with horns and scares the bejeesus out of Swedish kids? If you said, "Vikings", you're close

(Rocky Mountain News)

White burglar hits white homeowner with baseball bat, apologizes and says he was looking for a black man, is tackled by homeowner, burglar's black accomplice points gun at homeowner, burglars leave. That about sums it up

(19)

Residents say local park is too dangerous because there's a street nearby

Chilean 'Spider Girl' gang arrested for climbing building to burgle luxury apartments. Fark: while pregnant

Andy Griffith sues Andy Griffith. No word on who Matlock will represent

(65)

(ABC12.com)

Today is the 31st anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, an event memorable for spawning one of the worst songs in history

(181)

Photoshop "The Swing," by Jean-Honore Fragonard

Florida's last surviving WWI vet honored by Governor, tells Governor to get the hell off his lawn. And thanks to all who have served

(103)

In a stunning display of the professionalism we've come to expect, Ohio election officials put off counting final 18,000 votes in race separated by 3,000 votes - - so they can watch football

(152)

(MaineToday.com)

6 p.m., a woman said she suspected someone had sabotaged her washing machine. A police investigation concluded that an imbalanced laundry load had caused the shaking. That's it

(73)

Detroit outsources Grand Marshal of Thanksgiving Parade to Sweden

Would every police department that hasn't had a semi-automatic pistol, assault rifle and suppressed machine gun stolen out of a parked car please stand up? NOT SO FAST, ORANGE COUNTY

(NBC11)

Firefighters save cat from lamppost. How does a cat climb a lamppost? It doesn't, the cat was inside the lamppost

(Some paper)

Jack Palance, dead at 85. Or maybe 87

(243)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Father of the Year takes kids to cool Nickelodeon hotel arcade; teaches value of work by having them sell fake tokens to guests

MP3 vibrator is called the "gPod" because "jii" is the Japanese word for masturbation. In the U.S., it means "Gee, I think we should sue the asses off those Japanese bastards for trademark infringement"

Upon learning that Rumsfeld was fired, Marine patrolling in Baghdad asks "Who is Rumsfeld?", proving that if you squander your education, you'll get stuck in Iraq

(328)

1918 Inverted Jenny, one of the rarest stamps in world, found affixed to envelope containing absentee ballot in Florida. Could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ballot disqualified because it contained no identification

(119)

Texas awards $450,000 to wrongfully convicted man who spent 18 yrs in prison. Works out to $25,000 per year or $5,000 per tossed salad

Courtney Love to appear nude in magazine. Which was 13,845th on Farkers' "Wish List Of People We'd Like To See Naked"

(211)

Photoshop this bird in flight

Our tax dollars at work: Judge decides that a burrito is not a sandwich

(237)

Drew's going to be in Kane, PA Nov 22nd, anyone for a Fark party somewhere in the vicinity?

(121)

Not News: Male friends decide to become strippers. News: They are disabled. Fark: They are called the Crippendales

(Aussie News)

Abu Hamza al-Muhajer (D-Iraq), threatens to blow up White House

(400)

(Rocky Mountain News)

ACLU defends student whose newsletter gives men tips on how to deny women pleasure during sex

(220)

Al Qaeda proclaims victory in Rumsfield's resignation. Proclamation of victory for Rutgers' win over Louisville expected later today

Plane carrying Marshall Football Team experiences engine trouble on way to East Carolina U. Four days before the 36 anniversary of the crash that killed most of the football team on their way to East Carolina U

When beating a suspect while arresting him, please remember a video of it may show up on YouTube

(372)

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Israel's deputy defense minister says that military strikes are possible to curtail Iran's nuclear program

(418)

You know you want a penguin that goes shopping for you

(92)

(BS)

Penn and Teller's BS is soliciting photos and stories about why Florida sucks for an upcoming show. Post your own examples in the comment thread - voting enabled

(332)

Problem: Shopkeepers aren't paying their taxes. Solution: Hire eunuchs, dress them in saris, and have them dance in front of the store until the embarrassed merchant pays up

Worst police dog in the world

(102)

"The CEO of the world's most venerable technology company faces the prospect of rubbing virtual shoulders with middle-aged men pretending to be teenage girls, deranged Big Brother contestants, and the ubiquitous giant furry penises"

"If it was up to the Democrats, we would still be living under Saddam's tyranny"

(472)

Not News: Neighbors have a fence dispute. News: Dispute leads to a shooting. Oklahoma: Murder-Suidice. Fark: the shooter mowed his lawn before he committed suicide

(WOAI)

Not to be outdone by Comcast, San Antonio energy crew takes a snooze while on the clock

If your license is suspended and your pockets are full of drugs, it's probably not the best time to speed through the police parking lot

(15)

(Craigslist)

The Girls I Have Dated (text Not Safe For Work)

(443)

Top ten beer cities in the world. Portland, the only U.S. city listed, comes in at #8. * Subby opens a Widmer and smiles*

(251)

(Poughkeepsie Urinal)

Today's story about an enraged naked man destroying a police cruiser with bat and knife brought to you by Poughkeepsie. Bonus: he's an elementary school teacher

Man gets into the Guinness World Records with an 87mph desk. With pic

(MOS 2673, 0313)

Happy Birthday Marines. Semper Fi

(299)

Man tries to run down bouncers with pickup after being thrown out of bar -- returns to pickup girlfriend and is promptly taken down by K-9 unit (with video)

Three muggers attack 67 year-old man, are dismayed to discover that he's an ex-Army unarmed combat trainer and former boxing champion. Hilarity ensues

(143)

This is your final reminder. Chicago Fark Party. Dark Horse Tap and Grill. This Saturday. 7pm DIT LGT Location

Funniest fearmongering segment ever. Local news idiots describe the "hidden dangers" of the PSP. And yes, there are Nazis

(179)

(Shropshire Star)

Britain is wide open to alien invasion. Residents of Horsell Common now looking nervous, Cardiff residents looking rather smug

(Palm Beach Post)

Not News: Thieves take off with bait car. News: Police attempt to track bait car. Florida: Crooks get away with bait car. Fark: Again

Student leaders at a California college have banned the Pledge of Allegiance at their meetings, saying they see no reason to publicly swear loyalty to God and the U.S. government

(643)

(Photoshop fan)

Photoshop this pier

(105)

Guy tricks at least seven women into taking their clothes off by telling them he sees a tick on their clothes

(American Heritage)

One hundred years ago today, Theodore Roosevelt became the first sitting President to travel abroad, taking a trip "to see how the ditch is getting along"

Romanian teenager has to have emergency operation after swallowing toothbrush. Fark: while practicing oral sex

(WBAL)

America's oldest saloon auctioned for $1.5 million. After 231 years, owner can finally retire

Four Asians thrown off plane after passenger complains they made him uncomfortable. By not speaking English and going to the toilet

(188)

You've done a heckuva job, Kenny

(120)

Experts predict seas will turn to acid; dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria

Because of some childhood trauma involving his sister, Swedish astronaut will be putting moose on the space menu

(49)

Man put up billboard of himself across from advertising agency to land 'dream job.' This didn't work with the last girl I wanted to date, but buddy here got the job

(ZF)

Romanians spent over one billion euros on cigarettes and beer in the first eight months of this year. Amateurs

(Radio NZ)

Scientists drilling big ass hole in Antarctica

(Irish Examiner)

Ireland's architects clenching tiny fists of rage as people of Cork proclaim shopping mall their most beautiful building. Because of the parking

From the Headlines You'd Rather Not See Department: Killer missing from mental hospital

(Great Falls Tribune)

Today's "trailer house which must be destroyed because of six-inch layer of feces deposited by 30 cats locked inside and forced to eat their young" brought to you by Gardiner, Montana

Welsh praised for speaking better English than the English. Some Yorkshire residents seem to be objecting in what appears to be a foreign language

Two out of every three criminals back in jail within two years of release, proving A) prison rehabilitation isn't working, or B) everybody should get a life sentence for anything. You could argue either way

(Seattlest.com)

Seattle stripper whines very loudly about having to perform lap-dances for 'your old, skanky, often-smelly manselves to pay our rent'. Contains Not safe for work dialogue and some major league self righteousness

(259)

If you've ever wondered what the armor class of every D&D denizen was, here you are

(90)

(Timesonline)

Handover to Iraqi Army set for the end of next year. Yeah for our side

(TrekWeb)

Shatner offers advice to filmmakers on recasting Captain Kirk: "He's got to be handsome. He's got to be athletic. He's got to be rich. He's got to be funny. He's got to get the girl--the sort of things I do"

(92)

Frat boys crying that the Borat movie showed them in a false persona

(297)

"The Effect of Country Music on Suicide", among the 20 Craziest Scientific researches

(39)

Thu November 09, 2006:

# of Comments

Drunk woman discovers that her golf cart is unable to outrun a squad car

Photoshop this guy jumping a fence

British island residents -- cut off from mainland after storm destroyed their bridge -- buy a new one. On the Internet

(Cassini)

Move over Katrina: NASA discovers a "hurricane" 5000 miles across. With video goodness

Jewish man upset he had to vote in a church. Voting for a bunch of lying jackals is OK, but having to do it in a church is just too much

(275)

Before showing your new desktop to the intarwebs, make sure you delete your shemales folder

(682)

Woman claims she took picture of angel flying over SC State Fair like a moth(pic)

(218)

(nbc11.com)

Q: What do you do when you and your drunken buddy are attacked by an ostrich? A: Come back later with a rifle and shotgun and show that bird who's boss

(KGW)

Hot teacher's aide sleeps with a 15 year old student. Trifecta now in play (pic)

(394)

Michigan Devil's Night continues well into November after Detroit runs out of buildings to burn and firebugs shuft their attention to Saginaw, which is becoming known as Detroit Jr

Woman that steered police to cop-killer won't recieve $50,000 reward because she lives in Mexico

Everyone is secretly annoyed at Australia for destroying the world

(163)

Pediatrician says to calm a screaming toddler, think like a caveman because kids are like neanderthals. You tried this approach with your first date and we all remember how well that turned out

(wcpo)

"Police using binoculars could clearly see the activites associated with 'Thong Thursdays' at Joe's."

Photoshop these happy feet

(NewsNet5.com)

Woman charged after taking off clothes at store

(72)

Remember that one girl whose parents died in the BP explosion in Texas last year? How she would never settle and wanted to go to trial? Yeah, she settled

(Statesman)

Not News: DA calls press conference. News: DA calls press conference to announce a guilty plea in a 5 year old unsolved murder. Fark: At the hearing the murderer changes his mind and pleads 'Not Guilty'

Ugly ass baby lion born at Denver Zoo. Oh, all right, so it looks like a baby kitten. All together now, awwwww

French troops were 2 seconds away from firing on Israeli jets, which means they were 4 seconds away from surrendering

(321)

Ted Haggard to undergo "spiritual restoration", a process in which "godly men who are clean themselves insert themselves in the life of the one who is struggling... laying their hands on Pastor Haggard while calling on God"

(316)

In strange ritual to warn girls about dangers of flirting, burglars cut ponytail, destroyed clothes, and left note

(89)

Today's woman steals a forklift and rams it into patrol cars brought to you by Pensacola

UN urges end to "water apartheid." In other news, kayakers are racists

(93)

Wal-Mart's Black Friday deals uncovered

(223)

Hasta macaca

(436)

Krispy Kreme is auctioning off everything in their posession, including toilets, potted plants and a machine that makes 600 dozen donuts per hour

Man tasered for wearing LA Dodgers hat. Don't even ask what they did to the guy wearing a Yankees hat

(229)

With the world running out of records to set, Canadians to attempt setting the record for most people dancing to "Thriller" at once

(9News)

Today's "hot teacher accused of being involved with a student" story brought to you by Brighton, CO. Bonus: She's married to the principal (pic)

(307)

Wal-Mart to end vast Christian persecution

(490)

Iceland, Norway, Australia among best places to live, according to UN. Stingrays, sub-zero temperatures and six-hour days unavailable for comment

(126)

Tired of all the excitement the Internet has to offer? Come visit the Dull Men's Club online and learn things, like that November is Fig Month

The worst movies ever that you can't help but watch

(643)

The late Red Auerbach disapproved of NBA cheerleaders. So now that the Celtics have their own cheerleading team, it's only right for fans to phone in death threats. Y'know, in his honor

(Gainesville.com)

Gainesville Florida hosts "Homeless Night Out" an event for homeless residents where they spend a night out on the town rather than in the homeless shelters

The Democrats have taken over Congress. What next? A hip-hop album of Def Leppard songs?

Mariners report new island, black smoke monster in South Pacific

(104)

(TILL)

Wish someone had video of that guy lighting a rocket in his buttcheeks? Fark does

If you swallowed some acetaminophen pills with bits of wire in them, the FDA would like you to know you are in no health danger but you should probably see a doctor anyway. PSA trumps Scary

(26)

The 2Fox in St. Louis gives a nod to Fark including a disturbing-sounding "How-To Fark" Video

(104)

Ed Bradley has died - Katie Couric set to start interviewing black people (repeat - more accurate headline)

(232)

I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm...ack *thud*

(166)

How do you become editor of MAD magazine? "You fail at everything else"

(74)

Doctor plans to map every single house in Britain, using publicly available information to show which ones are the biggest energy wasters. What could possibly go wrong?

(90)

Okay, you knew it was going to happen, it always does: Dead guy voted into office

(UCSB Daily Nexus)

Female columnist for college newspaper tackles the hard issues of our time: How to properly perform oral sex on a woman

(338)

Robot mistakes human flesh for bacon. And so it begins

(165)

Georgia town mayor barely wins election after write-in candidate Tony the Tiger nearly edged him out

Local 6 warns to throw away any "Floam" you have if it starts changing color or eating people

(111)

(Press-Citizen)

Oxygen, the "Women's Network" has a show celebrating women who kill their husbands. Real promo: "...the fun ended when Sheila touched her husband with the blade of a knife"

(438)

(Orlando Sentinel)

PSA: When stealing a car, don't ask your victim for your escape route

(17)

Drew is on ZRock 103 from 8-10 a.m. this morning

(12)

China issues one-dog-per-family law. Still unclear is this is per meal, or for the whole year

India hires the homeless to spread the word about HIV/AIDS by singing songs about safe sex. Because everyone pays attention to singing homeless people

UK interest rates increased to five percent because stuff in England is just not expensive enough

New biography says Paris Hilton's parents are proud of her sex video

Photoshop the coolest art deco water treatment plant you'll ever see

(102)

When considering a beach holiday, if you don’t care about torrential rain, the lack of sun and no hot chicks, England's got some good news for you

(126)

Bradenton Police Department's Shakedown Unit modifies rules on cash seizures, now will limit kneebreaking to just one knee

Jam-filled cake causes a two-day struggle among security officials trying to determine if it could be allowed on a flight. Mmmmm... cake

New Zealand high school students will be allowed to use "text speak" -- the second language teenagers have developed for cellphone messages -- in exams

(167)

Guy who was "bored" sticks a firework between his asscheeks and lights it. He's no longer bored, and this thread is just fine without pics

Inside the not-so-glamorous life of a $250k-per-year pro gamer. The poor bastard

(135)

Pilot that showed up for work drunk won't be prosecuted. He won't be allowed to fly for a year, either -- which is good, pilots hate it when flying interferes with their drinking

Benedict becomes first pope to appear in calendar. Don't miss July -- he looks totally hot in the mini Speedo

When viewing Supreme Court oral arguments, do not get up and shout "ABORTION REPENT OR YOU WILL PERISH" and then throw abortion doctor to the ground, unless your goal is to appear on Fark.com

If you've been breaking into the University of Winnipeg and using their computers to download porn, the police would like to have a word with you

(Some Random Guy)

Boulder, CO Farkers: Party in North Boulder. Free beer, wine and music

(Photoshop fan)

Photoshop this scaly claw

"I'd lke to help you not be gay, but I've, um, got this... thing... to go to and, um, anyway... good luck and don't be gay"

(129)

"Cease fire, friendlies, I am Pat (expletive) Tillman, damn it." They didn't. Exclusive report

(152)

Attention: Anthony Michael Hall and that other guy. Please don't use Kelly LeBrock this time. She's really porked up

(Art Daily)

Archivists discover two of Andy Warhol's floppy disks, one video, one audio, and reconstruct the world's first digital video multimedia event, an Amiga-propelled 1985 tribute to Debby Harry

Scotland's economy rebounding with help from Polish immigrants. In other news, computer monitors in Edinburgh increasingly covered in white-out

Tampa bigshot uses $208,000 salary paid from tolls to finance a gay-porn empire

What do you do with a truckload of asbestos: A) Call HazMat authorities for advice? B) Dispose of it under strict guidelines? Or C) Dump it in a school playground?

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 79: "Autumn"

(275)

Wed November 08, 2006:

# of Comments

Man attempts to scare coworkers, accidentally blows his hand off. It worked

General Motors has put a new price on "suck" and it's $60 to $425 higher than last year

(105)

Missouri jail painted pink, with blue teddy bears. "It's a calming thing," the sheriff says

(50)

Blue moon, you saw Bush standing alone / Without a magical fifty / Without a House of his own

(1144)

(WISTV.com)

Today's "drunk naked police officer" story brought to you by Columbia, SC

The coolest flock of sterlings you'll see today. Mr Eko unavailable for comment

Has no one noticed the Dow set another all-time high today?

(121)

Official "Lost" 3.6 discussion thread, last episode until February 2007

(395)

The top 10 lies of Web 2.0

(127)

Here's a sample of what the rest of the world thinks about yesterday's election

(308)

Famous strip club -- serving lap dances since 1957 -- is demolished

(9News)

Denver mayor promises to personally pay for parking tickets received by voters that were stuck in long lines caused by computer issues

Japanese maker unveiled a bra with cup padding that unfolds to become a shopping bag. (with a sexy pic)

(Reason)

Horses are cute so nobody should eat them. Pigs and cows, however, are known liars who probably cheat at WoW and so we should eat them

(162)

If the only way you can pass your driving test is to pay a serial drunk driver to take it for you, maybe you shouldn't be driving

(15)

"Alcohol may have been involved, police said"

Note for 2008 elections: waving a gun and threatening to shoot people does not cause one to get to vote sooner

Sleep deprivation creating a nation of "walking zombies." Submitter would like your brrraaaiiinnn

(Herald Banner)

Suck it, lib(ertarian)s

(433)

Massachusetts considering ban on BB guns. You'll shoot your eye out kid

(130)

Photoshop this bunker

Family says "Monster" mold torments them

Man jailed for 4 years for attempting to kill his wife in order to avoid child and spousal support, says that due to the fact that he is PMITA prison he shouldn't have to pay child and spousal support

(76)

While the U.S. was busy voting, Israel was busy killing Palestinian children in their sleep

(446)

Trouble with living in the 'burbs is the houses look so much alike, even the gunmen can't tell them apart when they're trying to "send someone a message"

If you've seen a 22-year-old girl in handcuffs running around town, the police would like to speak to you

(93)

Female soldiers who posed nude will not face court-martial, and are "busy supporting the war effort". Supporting indeed

(136)

They've taken his red Swingline stapler for the last time. Now, Milton is ready to kill someone

(98)

(The Local)

Police in Skåne have reported the police in Skåne to the police in Skåne for taking hidden, candid photos of fast minors. "It's like pissing in the Mississippi," says one official -- no one knows why

60-year-old hunter charged with criminal negligence causing death and shooting hikers out of season

(Knoxnews.com)

Former NFL quarterback Heath Schuler elected to Congress. Pundits predict about six weeks after he's seated, voters will try to recall him and replace him with Gus Frerotte

Bee thieves steal thousands of insects in what police call a professional sting

Oil over $59 on American public voting K-Fed out of marriage

Im dvrcng u cltus (w/video goodness)

(228)

(Scoop)

The New Zealand government will revisit their 1999 decision to lower the drinking age to 18 because it turns out 18-year-olds didn't handle their liquor as responsibly as everyone had hoped

YMCA forced by neighboring Hasidic synagogue to tint windows so that young teenage boys don't get distracted by women doing Pilates, aerobics

(360)

Senator's son celebrates victory by getting peppersprayed, arrested (with mugshot goodness)

(113)

"Morning-after pill" begins shipping, will be available in drugstores by next week. Still no cure for waking up next to coyote ugly

(282)

We're willing to install water pipes, but your habit of burying family members in the backyard is making it a little difficult

Mass voters reject ballot question to legalize wine sales in supermarkets because it destroys marriage or something

(255)

Bush to nominate Texas A&M president for Secretary of Defense. Let the Aggie jokes ensue

(255)

Associated Press now projecting Jon Tester as the winner in the Montana Senate race

(195)

You're doin' a heckuva job, Rummy

(1379)

(heraldonline.com)

Residents of Huntington, West Virginia not happy with man painting bridge pink. In fact, they weren't happy with him the last time he did it, either

Jersey Girl sues New York bar after hurting herself in "Shake It Like Shakira" contest

Caption Hillary as she eats a victory breakfast at a firestation this morning

(160)

After a six-month trial, Austrian police decide that Porsche 911s are really not that practical as police cars. Captain Obvious waits to test drive the new Ferarri Police Interceptor

(Daily Record)

Not news: High school boy rushes for over 100 yards during football game. News: He wasn't playing for either team. Fark: Did we happen to mention that he was naked?

NYSE: ↓520.00

(113)

(Some Astronomy Guy)

Mercury will transit the Sun at 14:12 EST today

California police bust nut thieves wanting bigger money shot

(10)

Deep below a subway station in Hong Kong is the secret lair of... Ronald McDonald? The "Forbidden Kitchen" has already developed McCurry Pan for India and the Bulgogi Burger for South Korea

America to Democrats: Don't fark this up

(464)

Morning After Election Results thread. It was good for me, was it good for you? Here, have a cigarette

(1185)

(Wonova.com)

Do you want to live forever? Nanotechnology primer

(139)

Have an important teleconference with powerful clients, but can't be bothered to get dressed? New "business bib" puts you in a suit and tie... at least from the chest up (with ridiculous pic)

Carson Palmer works with a charity called Cornhole for America. Photoshop what your (inappropriately named) charity would be. LGT original discussion

"My baby probably ate her finger or it was eaten by a cockroach. I just don't know where it went"

(Some ImageShack)

What is Rick Santorum's son thinking?

(309)

(Jerusalem Post)

Hamas declares war on America. This should end well

(470)

Michael Jackson will once again perform "Thriller" as part of a comeback show. Reports are that his makeup will be twice as expensive because they will have to make him black again

Serial flasher tries the old "I was only adjusting my clothing" defense, followed by the "I can't wear underpants because of a medical condition" excuse, with obvious results

Belgian tourist learns that having your knee bitten off is crocodile speak for "Please don't take my photo"

Cyber tabloid will cover all the news that's virtually true. Someone is trodding on someone else's established turf there, dude

You can tell a lot about the practical differences between men and women by the different ways they go about robbing a grocery store

Voters in Ohio city reject speed cameras. Bonus: City forced to refund money already collected. Bonus bonus: City has to keep paying rent on cameras until contract expires

(170)

This week's "House so full of cat urine and feces that it had to be torn down" story brought to you by the great state of South Dakota

(40)

Doctor explains to woman that black magic was causing sinister movements in her stomach. Theodoric of York gives concurring second opinion

Quadruple Bypass Burger served in Tempe, Arizona has four slabs of beef, three layers of cheese and 8,000 calories. This being America, it's on the appetizer menu

(125)

Kentucky road construction crew digs up Civil War-era iron coffin

Barbados is being invaded by giant snail. Eeeeeeverrrrryyyyboooddyyyyyy Paaaaaaaaannnnnniiicccc

Photoshop these math teachers

Average Brit will ring up a cellphone bill of £72,000 in their lifetime. Printer ink sneers and asks if they need any loose change

Discuss the final stretch here. Can the Dems take the Senate, too? [Thread closed. Please move discussion to the hot and fresh thread above]

(2035)

Two armed robbers wear masks to hide their identities but leave behind the wrappers. Police use the bar codes to trace them to the Wal-Mart where they were bought, and the two guys' faces show up just fine on those tapes

Even Neal Boortz had problems voting

(114)

Tue November 07, 2006:

# of Comments

Dems to take control of the House. Suck it, libs

(1332)

(LGNI)

Daily Show and Colbert Report Midterm Midtacular Discussion Thread

(178)

Pre-Nup-O-Zao: The Entire Story

New Senators, new Governors, new asinine millages, and a new Fark thread to discuss the day's electile dysfunction[Please to be now joining super happy fun time thread above]

(1941)

Woman's suicide attempt sparks brawl after a group of homeless people lay a right beatdown on the asshat teenagers encouraging her to jump

(85)

VW CEO Steppendownen

(83)

(KWY1060.com)

With Casey's predicted win in Pennsylvania, the world prepares to offer its last Santorum jokes. Post your glimmering rivulets of Santorum humor in the comments thread. Voting enabled

(158)

Interviewer: KFed can you freestyle for us? KFed: *Looking lost and on the spot* "I'm going to freestyle this drink." Interviewer: "So I'll do it then"

(112)

Dorks meet online, decide it would be a good idea to play 'War Games' in the middle of night next to a school (with video)

What kind of tool robs a gas station two days in a row and expects to not get caught? Apparently this guy, and his hot girlfriend

(140)

England's deepest cave rediscovered in the Devil's Arsehole. "It's like the inside of a cathedral"

(Businessweek)

MacArthur Foundation spending $50 million to determine why kids use the internet. Here's a clue: pr0n, WoW, MySpace - that'll be $18 million

Official Election Night 2006 thread. Come for the good times, come for the bad times, come for the moment Rick Santorum is projected to lose his job [thread closed: enjoy fresh, crisp new thread up the page a bit]

(1750)

Dan Rather to co-anchor the Daily Show tonight

"Kennedy said the state was told that poll workers sealed the ballots that had been cast before the bomb threat and transported them to the new site." Nothing to see here

(Some Zoo)

Photoshop this polar bear under an umbrella

(SLO Tribune)

If you're going to assault a motorcyclist with an axe, it's best not to do it from the middle of the road. Where he can run you over. Cyclist gets a HERO tag for then disarming, helping dumbass

Voter gets to experience poll choking

(Tom Leykis)

Woman confesses to murder on national radio program, thinks she's in the clear because it's her friend's phone

Muslim cop removed from Tony Blair's protection detail after being told his presence there would upset members of the U.S. Secret Service

(110)

Smoker falls asleep, catches bed on fire, tries to drag mattress outside thereby spreading fire to living room, escapes, returns to get his stuff, forced to jump through closed window. Somehow still barely alive

"Helicopter parents" now taking it to the next level by calling employers and demanding to know why their kid didn't get hired

(164)

Kentucky police officer learns the hard way why you shouldn't try to unload your gun while driving down the freeway

(23)

(WSMV)

Evolution finally to be studied at Vatican Academy as new faster, smarter choirboys become harder to catch

Woman gets back money she sent to scammer, will be more careful next time she plays Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Russian inventor designs caskets outfitted with alarm buttons for those buried alive by mistake

(104)

(Chicago Tribune)

Cop: "Ma'am, you're under arrest for forgery of checks and ATM transactions. Do you understand your rights?" Lady: "Yes, officer. Do accept checks to post bail?" Cop: "We sure do"

(72)

Apparently few people know how to party as well as Canada's top business students, as 200 of them in various states of undress overwhelm a small resort town

(50)

Al-Qaida operative gets life for plotting to blow up Newark. Not that anyone would've noticed anyway

(26)

(TMZ)

Pre-nup-o-zao

(627)

Have It Your Way: Whopper, cheese, no mayo, extra pot

Step 1: Attempt to lift a Lotus Elise without dropping it. Step 2: Read the manual

(213)

(NewsChannel 5)

Woman buys car, pre-recorded message plays "We would like to congratulate you on your '04 Trailblazer, I know you got f**ked, but still in the long run, you're going to be happy with it. So, take care"

(233)

FedEx cancels major order of Airbus jets and switches to Boeing after European manufacturer exhibits USPS-quality standards of on-time delivery

"Scott does not sit out on defense -- ever . . . . This entire league exists so he can play defense . . . . He is my son, I own the league, and he plays every snap on defense."

(139)

Bumping may be acceptable in NASCAR, but it's frowned upon on the taxiways at O'Hare airport

(Zug.com)

Male performance drugs experiment from a female's perspective (some Not safe for work language)

(148)

Now this woman will never, ever get Anderson Cooper off of her leg

(Mirror)

People in Britain not sure what should offend them more: That Santa has replaced Baby Jesus on this year's Royal Mail Christmas stamps, or that St. Nick appears to be taking a dump down a chimney (with pic)

Tens of thousands of gallons of human waste videotaped being dumped near school, grazing cattle and surface water

United Church of Canada releases new racy ads. Church recommends whipping cream for sex

(124)

Buck up, little soldier: Iraq is safer than the U.S. suburbs

(161)

Fish and chips restaurant being investigated by health and safety officials because it smells like... fish and chips?

Bored University of Virginia researchers discover that jet-lagged mice live shorter lives. Comes from trying to figure out their frequent flyer program, apparently

If you trade in a Camry, Accord, Altima or Fusion for a 2007 Sebring, Chrysler will give you $1,000 extra. Add in a few shots of tequila and we may be able to look past the styling

Couple decide not to sell their home after someone drives a car at 100 mph through part of it

New from Scheinder's meats -- fat free turkey slices with syringes

Australia mourns loss of surfing cow

Video of Faith Hill being a poor loser at CMA awards

(292)

(Moscow News)

Moscow urologist has lucrative business manufacturing custom condoms for clients. "People ask for condoms with bears drawn on them, or Mickey Mouse or elephants. Some patriotic people ask for Kalashnikovs"

(Daily Record)

Apparently, not everybody has learned their physics lesson on what can happen to a man when he tries to scale a spiked fence. Specifically, that fulcrum = scrotum part

(76)

How (and when) to shave your head

(204)

"You can imagine how shocked they were when we showed them naked pictures of themselves," cops said

(63)

Bibles block bullet

(144)

A new polls shows that over 80 percent of Americans, regardless of their political persuasion, favor a more comprehensive approach to sex education in schools

(249)

(Concord Monitor)

Man's $7M in-home marijuana growing operation busted after the heat lamps shorted out power for the entire neighborhood

Proving no good deed goes unpunished, woman finds wallet, phone; meets owner at 7-11; is ambushed, beaten, robbed, carjacked

Just in time for the holidays -- patch promises to ignite sex drive in women (with video)

(130)

New York wants to change its rules on ID for transgendered people. Ann Coulter breathes a sigh of relief

(253)

Fire department tells Urdu-speaking residents to never jump out of a window to escape a fire, get on the nearest donkey instead. Bafflement ensues

Increase of belly fat in kids raises risk of heart disease, diabetes and likelihood of being forced to perform the Truffle Shuffle

Yawn: Ship hits pier. LOL: It is a training ship, belonging to a maritime school. Fark.com: The pier is right next to the Harbour Police

(33)

Woman, bitten by snake at charismatic church, dies. She took up the serpent, lacked faith, wore frilly panties, was a witch or some such thang

(189)

(NY Sun)

"Penitent" principal pays $10,000 fine after sending a political endorsement letter home with students

(Financial Times)

Men rather than women are driving the rapid growth of Internet retail because men don't like to go shopping. Obvious tag logs on to Overstock and has Christmas presents for the rest of the tags in 10 minutes

(73)

Australian drought is the worst in 1000 years. Oh, if only we had a wild, crazy, amiable naturalist to move crocodiles from the drought-ridden areas to lush cool ponds

Retired pastor unearths 70 million year old sea reptile fossil. We mean 5,832 year old fossil. Sorry, our bad

(361)

Judge of high-profile murder trial holds student observing trial in contempt for wearing shorts, has him locked up with accused killer

(205)

Photoshop this interesting water tower

The annual "No Christ in Christmas" season has begun early this year with British postage stamps

(241)

Tornado kills nine in north Japan. In other news, tornadoes occur in Japan

Woman jailed 14 months after attacking guy who turned her naked ass down after she proposed group sex, saying “I don’t fancy you”

(98)

(myfoxny.com)

Exactly when is it ok to curse on TV? The Feds lay out their complex explanation

(Cracked)

8 important lessons learned from 80's cartoons

(101)

Pics of what's really going on at NASA

(146)

"Paranoid speculation on imaginary surveillance abuses betrays a moral blindness when real social injustice abounds." Tinfoil hat wearers be warned

(Some Pothead Math Guy)

2006 marijuana report reveals this year's crop valued at $10.6 billion -- $9 billion more than projected. Why? Pull up a spreadsheet and follow along

(181)

Pot dealers adopting corporate mentality, making home deliveries

(115)

Bad, bad Leroy Brown embezzled $385,000 from the Salvation Army. No word on whether or not he was meaner than a junkyard dog

Election day 2006. Get out and vote

(1110)

The official "THANK GOD THE &#**@( POLITICAL COMMERCIALS ARE OVER" Tuesday political thread. LGN

(227)

How one brilliant cartoon changed a foolish man's mind on Global Warming

(141)

(Bloomberg)

Fourth grader suspended after refusing to answer exam question

(264)

(Strategery Page)

British radar zapping car and home electronics, unfortunately not traffic cameras

Drive to make school lunches healthier has resulted in plunging number of students willing to eat them. Suck it, Jamie Oliver

Chinese developer spends 334 million bucks to build an authentic English town. In China

(54)

Underage purchase of alcohol legal in South Carolina. Sort of, for now

(Some Vibrating Phantom Phone)

The very real and increasing problem of "Phantom Vibration Syndrome" from vibrating cellphones

(166)

Why you get fake wasabi at a Japanese restaurant

Finnish mathematician claims to have penned hardest sudoku. Still no cure for cryptograms

Terrorist plot to kill thousands discovered on old video of "Die Hard With a Vengeance"

(33)

Photoshop theme: Inapproriate or funny closed captioning. Link goes to inspiration

(99)

Taking in that PDA cellphone and getting a replacement means some lady from another state will call you to tell you what you are doing this week

(39)

Study finds duct tape not a good way to get rid of warts

(69)

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

Baby flies out of car and lands under a house unharmed

Mon November 06, 2006:

# of Comments

(Koozac)

Tetris meets Sudoku. Left/Right arrows to move, space to power-drop

(Times Leader)

Honolulu copper thief decides to cut the crapola, chops down entire utility pole to steal 40 pounds of wiring

(KOS)

Virginia voters receiving robo-calls from "The Elections Commission" stating that they'll be arrested if they show up to vote tomorrow. Wanna guess which party all the victims belong to? (with a .wav of the acutal call)

(1171)

(East Standard)

Kenyans get panties in a bunch after government bans import of used underwear

Fifteen- year-old boy filmed sex with his teacher "for posterity or for bragging rights"

(177)

Some pet owners are so cheap that they only pay for massages for their dog every two weeks

Comic Book Guy arrested for 30-year-old murder after giving his DNA to police in another case. Worst. Decision. Evar

Swedish study links steroid use to crimes, fraud, tainted homerun records

(Mail)

Claims made that eBay is "knowingly" allowing people to sell fake designer goods on its site. In related news, your Rolux seems 10 minutes slow

Artist creates toilet which flushes to the sound of Italy's national anthem. Police are looking into it

(19)

(ABC 4)

More than 2,000 men are diagnosed with breast cancer every year

Nigerians demand "huge ransom" to free kidnapped oil workers, but they will also settle on getting a few Americans to help them move a large sum of money out of the country

Time's best inventions for 2006

(Lowell Sun)

This week's Ric Romero Impersonation Contest winner is Norm from Lowell, MA

(67)

Two-dollar bill gaining popularity in the U.S., particulary at Taco Bell restaurants for some unknown reason

(150)

Harpy Harlowern corstooms

Survey shows that teens use email less than anyone else, prefer instant messenging to contact pedophiles

(Some Mudslingee)

Photoshop the vicious attack advertisement your slimy political opponent would make about you

Fed okays throwing a foam party to kill large numbers of poultry after all-night raves with glow sticks and X prove ineffective

Air traffic controllers held prisoner in Denver

(strangemaps wordpress.com)

Nine out of 10 Canadians agree polygamy should remain illegal. The other one is working Edmonton Craigslist personals like a fiend

(67)

(Post-Gazette)

Not news: The circus is in town. News: Police dogs sniff out explosives. Fark: The explosives are actually residue from the circus' human cannonball

(18)

A website dedicated to unusual maps. Includes a proposed 38-state USA; Afghano-America; and, of course, the classic "Unites States of Canada" / "Jesusland" map

(69)

Having taken over 90 percent of the world's PCs, Bill Gates sets his eyes on a new venture: Fancy hotels (with an odd partner)

(Der Spiegel)

German woman, 76, makes U-turn, causes nine accidents, 50,000€ damage. Bonus: She was on the Autobahn. Overheard asking "Wo ist der Wochenmarkt?"

Study finds that British teens misbehave because they do not eat with their familes as much as French teens, Italian adult men. Brits respond: "Like it or not, we prefer alcohol to food, drunken hilarity to dainty tapas-nibbling"

Indian surgeons lose scissors in 1994. Found 12 years later in patient, who can start running now

Abbott to buy Kos, become HDL Cholesterol leader, purveyor of conspiracy theories

After failing to sell a vacuum cleaner, door-to-door saleman takes off with family's car. Coffee is for closers

We're not as nice as everyone thinks: Canadian government had plans to round up and detain subversives up through the 1980s. Sub wishes he hadn't signed the NDP Card

(97)

(NewsChannel 5)

Residents to meet and discuss changing the name of their street, because if there's one sure way to drive away the drug dealers, prostitutes, gangs and criminals, it's to change a street's name

(99)

Mayor may get six months in jail for using the letter "W" on a greeting card

(Studio Creations)

Get out of mom's basement for a while: How to build a full-metal blaster rifle replica as seen in the Star Wars movies

Dead dog gets a letter from the army demanding that he report for duty... with a pair of swimming trunks

(The Desert Sun)

Criminal masterminds rob 99 Cent Store (midway down)

While Chinese sociologists say that the country should promote bolder attitudes toward sex. They still say that wife-swapping is totally off the table. No word on yet on backdoor action

(69)

Ever wonder what kind of wine goes with brats while watching da Bears? Da Coach partners with California winery to produce line of Mike Ditka wines

Fourteen percent of those surveyed said they had had sex with a member of their own family

(314)

(WPVI)

Retiree misses a 60-day deadline for disputing a change in her social security benefits because their letter was delivered nine years late

(16)

Analysts presume that the 20-50 million estimated online poker players in the U.S. won't bother to vote tomorrow

(metro.co.uk)

Bank robber in Tehran convinced by sorcerer that he was invisible. Hilarity ensues

(Bloomberg)

Milan court sentences the alleged mastermind of the 2004 Madrid bombings, which killed 191 people, to 10 years in prison. That's just over 19 days per person, which is a pretty good bulk rate for premeditated murder

(99)

Tiny Tampa park surrounded by nightclubs and movie theaters is legally Cuban ground. Fidel found napping on bench

Prosecutors seeking 38,000-year jail term. Accused possibly eligible for parole after serving 28,000 years

Aussie girl kills her mother and critically injures her father when they don't let her convert to Christianity. What Would Lizzie Borden Do?

(134)

Giving condemned inmates anti-anxiety meds before death either makes their execution safer for all, or allows those bastards unnecessary mercy before rightful smiting

(141)

(ABC 4)

New legal drug: Salvia Divinorum. It’s as powerful as LSD. It’s legal and it’s available for sale in local shops near you

(437)

Now you too can dress like the crazy wife of a deceased ousted Philipino dictator

(145)

Tea with rabbit droppings cures hangover from hell. Who knew? (Sponsored link)

High school requires students to have escorts to bathroom and cafeteria. Not the fun type of escorts, either

"Dateline NBC" finally kills itself a pedophile

(634)

China now holds over a $1 trillion in U.S. currency, still can't get two chicks at the same time

(101)

Two-year old toddler on UAE no-fly list; wanted for his WMD diapers

The USS Intrepid is stuck in the Hudson River in the worst parallel parking attempt by your girlfriend evar

(110)

Resort hotels offering "procreation vacations," complete with on-site fertility experts and diets designed to help women get pregnant

The U.S. still won't sign the Kyoto Protocols -- and has done better in reducing emissions than countries that did sign it

(155)

November 6th, 2006, Google expands to print, radio and TV advertising. November 30th, Google becomes self-aware

Plastic trash vortex in mid-Pacific has grown to the size of Texas, threatens Paris Hilton's top ranking

(132)

66,000-volt electrical substation self-destructing (with cool grand finale)

Guy with allergies sick of being treated like a criminal just for trying to buy Sudafed

(180)

China now has twice as many obese people as it does people living in abject poverty. Difficulty: Despite having only a quarter of China's population, the U.S. still has more obese people

The crew of a large cargo ship headed for Sydney have been told to catch or kill a rogue monkey running loose aboard the vessel or they will not be allowed to dock. This would make a pretty good movie

(Wonova.com)

Interesting report on the phishing pandemic..,

Coming next week: "Left Behind: Eternal Forces," the game. Convert heathens and take on the Army of Darkness on the streets of Manhattan. Win followers by blasting them with prayer and Christian rock, just like in real life

(155)

Group of Christians tries to spread the word of the gospel "hip-hop style." Jesus weeps

(Arrrrrrrf)

Photoshop this scurvy dog

(40)

(Casper Star-Tribune)

Physics professor wonders whether controversial Bigfoot researcher plans to research Santa Claus as well. Still no cure for Prancer

(55)

British workplaces are hampered by needless biz-jargon. Apparently decades-old expressions "pushing the envelope" and "getting one's ducks in a row" are new to British business

High school survey finds students bored, uninspired, not having much fun, needing more hot teachers

Who'll be laughing when the icecaps melt? Navy vet, 84, is building 21-foot submarine in his Arizona backyard. You submitted this link with a "seamen" pun

(Daily Record)

Don't toss large refridgerators in bonfires

Twenty thousand police candidates in India go on a looting, vandalism, and raping rampage. Hell of a way to make that all-important first impression

Cool video of U.S. forces taking out an Iraqi munitions dump. Or vice versa. Either way, stuff goes boom (with fireball/shockwave/NSFW language goodness)

Disgraced "pyschic" Uri Gellar now claims a clairvoyant helped American troops locate Saddam Hussein. Amazingly, this was in Reuters, not the Weekly World News

115 sheep stolen in SW Scotland. Police checking local markets, brothels

(23)

Medical schools training their students how to deal with hot women giving out free pens

(83)

Jones Soda's 2006 Holiday Packs are now out and include nauseating concoctions such as "Pea" and "Antacid" flavored sodas. Here's I-Mockery's taste test of them all

Bikers stab a man 13 times with a samurai sword, then offer to shake his hand to make it all better when they realize they've got the wrong guy

Man, the recipient of one of his wife's kidneys, claims to have taken on her personality

Gatorland is burning

(132)

Railway from Beijing to Lhasa, Nepal runs over 16,640-foot mountain pass. Workers laying track wore O2 masks and were required to spend two hours a day in a hyperbaric chamber

Childhood being "killed off by pressure." Submitter thinks of his mortgage, job and expensive-sounding rattle that has developed under the hood of his car and snorts derisively

Drew will be on Joe and The Poorboy at 8am Monday morning

Today's "tractor-trailer destroyed after hitting water buffalo" story brought to you by... Newcastle, England?

Man, fired for storing porn on work laptop, gets job back. No word if he got the laptop back. Or the porn

Pitbulls bite off man's nose. Doctor asked how he smells. Terrible

Pizza company includes condoms with "meatlovers" pizza promotion, annoys Christian groups. Bonus: Company is called "Hell Pizza"

(102)

(Some Water Guy)

Company that touts the purity of its 2,900-year-old bottled spring water may have to downwardly revise claim by 2,875 years

(56)

Fuel prices decline for the 12th week straight, jet fuel is at a 10-month low. Have airlines dropped the surcharge they were "forced" to add yet?

Photoshop this Vatican City sculpture

Actress Helen Mirren voted sexiest woman in the world over the age of 60. Furious Bea Arthur demands to know what's wrong with THESE tatas?

The best videogame levels of all time

(327)

(Florida Today)

Not news: Suspicious package found at bus stop. News: Street closed, citizens evacuated as cops dispose of briefcase. Fark: Full of poo

Two Montreal police stations rammed by stolen cars in one night. Interestingly, the gasoline didn't burn anywhere near hot enough to melt the steel supports

(86)

(Korea Times)

Korean government installs 1,000 Internet-connected robots in local households. "The robots have various applications, such as reading books for kids, ordering food or connecting to the Web"

(The Local)

Terrorists having a hard time finding legitimate work in Sweden

Another reason to feel nervous about sharing the highway with that inexperienced UHaul renter: The truck just might start to disintegrate in front of you

(76)

"Forty-four percent of Americans are certain Jesus will return in the next 50 years"

(881)

Children's hospital removes junk food from vending machines, refilling it with healthy snacks. Try that crap in a maternity ward, I dare you. I TRIPLE frickin' dare you

Much as you really, really wanted Daniel Craig to suck as James Bond, and you sweated the hate out of your pores at some points, he doesn't suck in the role

(127)

(Journal Review)

Police arrest three juveniles for stealing the hugest blight on the American landscape since pink flamingos