Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-08-27 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Russian man sets fire to himself for no good reason

(19)

Apartment residents discover there isn't a Brita filter in the world that can get the taste of dead guy out of your tapwater

Two guys are raising money for the New Orleans libraries by letting you vote if they can drink in 2007 or not. I'll drink to that

(13)

How summer rock festivals became nothing more than one giant branded beer tent

"Hey, look at me! I am wearing over one hundred t-shirts"

(58)

Canadian military reduces the number of security checks it does on new recruits to enlist them more quickly. I don't think you've thought your cunning plan through

Matt Stone says Marines guarding Saddam Hussein in Iraq "repeatedly" made him watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, in which Hussein has a starring role

Europe's economy is growing faster and creating more jobs than the U.S. economy

(160)

New England hit with bizarre series of thefts in which thieves steal only weather vanes

(24)

The 100 greatest Britons of all time

(137)

Four separate blasts on Turkey's beaches injure 22 people, including 10 Britons

(91)

Advice for dads with empty nests. "Man up, nancy boy" surprisingly not on list

(24 > Grey's Anatomy)

58th annual Emmy Awards discussion thread

(747)

Farmer's Almanac forecasts this coming winter to go beyond 'cold' and enter 'well-digger's ass' territory in U.S. Bundle up

Retailers start putting cigarette packs upside down so customers can't see the health warnings. What could possibly go wrong?

New Mexico school shut down due to student bringing burrito to school. Principal is apparently unaware that burritos cannot cause explosions until after they are eaten

Catholic Church removes all fun from dying

(82)

(The Age)

Ph.D. candidate wins coveted Chancellor's Prize for Excellence for exhaustive thesis on "Star Trek." Expected to have no problem landing job with Starfleet Academy

Just because we needed a little Ric Romero today. "Extended warranties often not worth cost" Ahh, feel better?

Israeli soldier, a die-hard KISS fan, who was paralyzed from the chest down while fighting, received a message from Gene Simmons: "From the bottom of my heart, you are my hero and I wish I could be there with you."

(152)

Average toilet seat: 17,400 germs. Average car steering wheel: 41,600 germs. Uh honey, where’s the disinfectant?

Hezbollah chief Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah said if he knew kidnapping the 2 Israeli soldiers would have led to a major war, he would not have done it. What is Arabic for, "My bad"?

Study finds that kids fantasize less when being taught by a same sex teacher

Theme: Drawing a blank

How to handle young children on upcoming 9/11 anniversary. #1) Turn on Nickelodeon

If you happen to own a 90lb snake, it would be best to keep it off the pages of MY SPACE

Government says New Orleans is totally ready for another hurricane, doesn’t care what that other thread says

(journal-news.net)

When your father gives you the choice between giving up your Myspace password or getting your ears and legs stapled, give up the password

A little editing can even make a movie like Super Troopers really, really gay (Not safe for work language)

(Richmond Times Dispatch)

When robbing a bank, don't forget to bring a bag

(24)

Prison guards: Females 66% hornier than males; inmates being "abused"

Man leads police on high-speed chase; explains to police he was going to pull over but wanted to finish his cocaine and beer

(WND)

Ebay prohibits the sale of textbooks designed for homeschoolers, claims it falls under the category of "illegal, dangerous, offensive, or potentially infringing"

(201)

Man doesn't show up for jail as he is in detox after police find him with an incredible .46 BAC. "You're like, beyond the 'I-have-a-drinking-problem' stage" judge notes

Uh oh. Guess who gave Iran a nuclear reactor and enriched uranium? Hint -- the same country gave Iraq chem weapons

(260)

Most people filing for unemployment have to meet a variety of strict criteria to get benefits. In NY, that includes proving you're not dead

(11)

Farm owner says plane used the wrong runway

(179)

(ABQ Trib)

When are red light cameras considered to be a bad thing? When they catch cops and city buses, of course

(Deutsche Welle)

City slows traffic on road by building play ground in median and removing traffic signs. What could possibly go wrong?

(18)

(Some glove)

OJ takes a stab at the JonBenet situation, thinks media's being cutthroat in their slashing of Karr's credibility, says it's a bloody shame

Principal suspends 128 students for inappropriate dress on first day of classes. What we have here is failure to communicate

(390)

Two musicians at Dutch funeral upstage the corpse

(wthr.com)

Indianapolis residents freak out about horrible electrical smell while downtown streetlights flash off and on. With very high-tech graphic of flashing streetlights to demonstrate the ruckus

(Sunday Mirror)

If you're trying to keep your sex change a secret from your wife, at least lock the bathroom door when you play with your breasts

(Some Hurricane Guy)

Let's all congratulate Ernesto on his recent promotion to hurricane

High school senior convinces Miss Universe to go to his prom dance. Says he's really looking forward to the talent portion of the night

"Captain, we need to divert this plane because of smoke in the cabin." "Smoke? What is it?" "It's a byproduct of toast burning, but that's not important right now"

Best Buy Recommends Cybershiat

Katrina's destruction was actually far worse than TV could possibly tell us

(72)

Austrian kidnap victim sobs uncontrollably after hearing her "master" killed himself; refuses to meet with parents. Misses basement dungeon terribly

(Khaleej Times)

You know things are out of hand when the King of Saudi Arabia complains about the "unjustified rise in prices" for gas

(Some Whole Foods)

Theme: "Organic" products gone too far

Proving that it's never too early to panic, high-rise buildings in Queensland now being outfitted with lifeboats

(11)

It's 106 miles to Grand Forks, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses

FBI labels environmentalist as possible terrorist after he suggested removing nearby dam during public discussion on ways to improve migratory fish routes

Israeli airstrike hits car belonging to Reuters, destroys laptop with Photoshop installed

(152)

(National Geographic)

National Geographic reporter arrested for espionage in Africa. Locals fed up with him taking pictures of their boobies

Fox journalists released in Gaza after converting to Islam. Promptly added to no-fly lists everywhere

(239)

Christian zealots destroy ancient Arctic petroglyphs

(129)

Delta flight 5191 crashes outside of Lexington's Blue Grass Airport. Officials say there are 'multiple fatalities'

(356)

Iran continues to do whatever they want

(148)

(Inside Higher Ed)

UCLA neurobiologist gives up his research, sends message to animal rights terrorists: "You win. Please don't bother my family anymore"

(279)

Philippines to try to break world tree-planting record. In other news, the Philippines has hippies

(Some Really Bored Guy)

AudioEdit a song, rap, newscast or commercial that must end with the word "spleen"

(6)

Photoshop these colliding baseball players

(46)

(Soo Today)

Hempfest organizers ban the media because they don't want to be portrayed as drug addicts and dealers. Wait, did I just read that right?

Real-estate crash means more buyers choosing 700-sq.-ft. "microhouses" instead of McMansions

(126)

Prisoner sues because he fell out of bunk bed. Coddling ensues

(LuxuryLaunches)

The top 10 most expensive perfumes in the world

(Post-Gazette)

"Caucasians known to speak with an Irish accent," are operating a driveway paving scam

(WOOD)

Best slow new day headline ever: "Canoe flips, canoeists OK"

Fat is a class issue. Rich, educated people are not fat; you see almost no children in private schools who are overweight. Fatness and obesity are directly related to lower education and lower incomes

(183)

Boeing develops "greenest aircraft ever" - hydrogen-powered jet that emits no CO2 and is completely silent. But it will take you three weeks to go from New York to Los Angeles at its top cruising speed of 70mph

It's now illegal to wear T-shirts with Arabic words on them in an airport

(613)

(BrandWeek)

A Government Accountability Office probe of the White House's anti-drug media campaign has found that the $1 billion-plus spent on the effort so far has not been effective in reducing teen drug use

In today's "Well, it's a bit farking late now" file: Engineers worried about whether New Orleans levees can withstand another storm surge

(Global Research)

Army and Marine Corp authorize "involuntary conscription". EVERYBODY PANIC. No, for reals

(199)

UN broadcasts Israeli positions during war with Hezbollah. I ain't talking about missionary either

(Bink.nu)

Microsoft: Unlock work internet or risk losing staff

Children in Massachusetts are getting lost inside a Julia Child corn maze. (with pic)

Woman prays to Grim Reaper. Grim Reaper declares watching too much TV will kill you, promptly engulfs entertainment center. Ever had such chilling revelations from your deity of choice?

Sat August 26, 2006:

# of Comments

(about.com)

Most interesting and weirdest physical theories

'Attachment Parenting' advocate discusses co-sleeping, home-educating, breast-feeding until kids are 5 years old, freaking submitter the hell out

(102)

(News-Press.com)

Pug adopts ugly ass husky puppies (with pic)

Indiana politicians think that early next year the US military will be conducting the "largest conventional explosion ever" which could cause irreparable damage to the underground cave systems lining southern Indiana

Half-million garbage cans in Britain have been secretly fitted with RFID tags to monitor residents' garbage habits. The tinfoil hat brigade predicted this

Engineers in egypt move 3,200 year-old statue of Ramses to save it from environmental hazards. 1.5 kilometers away

(28)

Not news - Cat in tree. News - Firefighters called to get the cat out. Fark - A gun was involved

(27)

West Bank boy band hits it big with a tribute to Hezbollah cheif. Hi NSA

"Army makes soldiers get comfortable carrying weapons." In other news, the Air Force plans to ensure pilots are comfortable in airplanes and the Navy hopes to make sailors comfortable around water

(ABC)

There are still 26 dry counties in Alabama

(Rubber Buddha)

The coolest pile of discarded tires you're likely to see today (nsfw ads)

(Some OC)

The cautionary tale of a janitor, his dildo, a rope and two Samoans. You can't make this stuff up

"Booze Booze" the Stormtroopers cried, as they came knocking on the door...Dragon*Con is next weekend, who's in?

Student sues school after gym class game of "Capture the Cone" gets out of hand

(Mmmm...cabbage)

Photoshop this slice of red cabbage

(94)

Wreckless driving is a victimless crime

(46)

Crazy in-law took an axe, And gave her boy friends motorcycle forty whacks. And when the cop saw what he had done, Its off to PMIA till forty-one

Math Teacher arrested in drug raid. Student quoted as saying, "But he was really good with the metric system."

Teen passing counterfeit bills at State Fair caught when he uses bogus money to pay for his own mugshot in a photo booth - Last seen with his brain in his hands playing with it

Sunday's scheduled explosion of the space shuttle Atlantis delayed 24 hours after lightning strikes the launch pad

Finn takes gold at mobile phone throwing contest

(Some SG-1 Fan)

SG-1 No more.... Nerds of the world unite

(223)

Tom Cruise voted world's most sexist celebrity; Nigel Tufnel still wondering what's wrong with being sexy

(96)

(Some Activist Judge)

Liberal activist judges allow families of contractors killed in Iraq to sue Blackwater Security

(200)

Gurkha: the newest in bad ass SUV that makes the Hummer seem like a hand job

(145)

Since gas prices didn't skyrocket because of BP's line shutdown, Shell decides to try by shutting down L.A. refinery for "unplanned repairs"

(Some Nut)

Nut roaster causes fire. Mr. Peanut unavailable for comment

Rise of the damn dirty apes has begun

Yet another person claiming that the government was unprepared for a disaster the magnitude of Katrina. The person making the comments just happens to be President Bush himself

(Ephesians 6:10-18)

Armor of God Pajamas may not protect children from mockery of Biblical proportions

(110)

If you recently ate a delicious pizza at a Pizza Hut in Fort Wayne, Indiana, there might be a chance your pizza was prepared by an employee with Hepatitis A. Health department offering free clinic for customers to be tested

(63)

Within 24 hours of Pluto being demoted, Internet gets flooded with all kinds of "Pluto Is A Planet" crap for sale

(108)

Mick Jagger uses oxygen mask in bid to maintain stamina, in other news, Holy Batshiat Fatman, Mick Jagger is still alive?

(Kodiak Daily Mirror)

Burglar returns stolen urn, apparently tired of carrying around the dead weight

(15)

Canadians university launches campaign to attract students thinking of going south for school with photos of George Bush under the caption, "Graduating from an Ivy League university doesn't necessarily mean you're smart"

(158)

(WYFF4.com)

Dipstick Fastlube, the first all-female oil change shop

Is religion making us fat?

(167)

I substituted a cheap and potentially dangerous knockoff of the wrinkle-reducing drug Botox into my patients. Let's see if they notice

(27)

Been holding off buying a monster RV because it doesn't come with a garage? Your wait is over (pic)

First handwritten bibles by Benedictine monastery since invention of the printing press to go onsale for $115,000

(101)

An F0 tornado hit Long Island, messing up people's hair and knocking coffee cups over

Today's house-filled-with-animals comes to us from Clearwater, FL. Extra bonus: rats in freezer

Columnist thinks that Milwaukee isn't actually drunkest city, but rather is more honest about being drunk

(Like an Eagle)

Farker just went skydiving. Photoshop the crew

(50)

Man in dress exposes himself to mother, daughter. Then things got weird

Mother of woman who blew $2.3 million in stolen cash on lottery tickets says her daughter needs to accept the consequences of her actions. Oops ... misread that... she blames the government

(114)

(Maine Today)

Because we know you've been wondering: "How will Pluto's demotion from planet status affect the giant-ass model of the solar system laid out along Highway 1 in Maine?"

(nola.com)

New Orleanian who commandeered a boat to rescue desperate old people after Hurricane Katrina gets his just reward- a lawsuit from the boat owner

(568)

(FunMansion.com)

The coolest super close up pictures of various creepy insects that you will see today

Faced with low employee turnover, carwash gets more proactive

(63)

I say there, good chaps, photoshop this reception room at a hospital

Venice on course to become a city without residents within the next 30 years, making it Italy's version of Detroit

13 cases of plague this year in the US. First, everybody panic... and then bring out your dead

(NOAA)

Look what's sitting right in the middle of Tropical Storm Ernesto's five-day track from the NOAA: New Orleans

(252)

The Fark.com Back to School ramen recipe thread (LGN)

(241)

Bob Marley is now on a Jamaican coin. Can be traded for a half and a bag of cheetos

(CBS 880)

Police chief: "We're at a loss to explain why he was doing this, other than the excitement of blowing things up,"

Taller people are smarter. Your 5'10" Farkette submitter: Suck it

(397)

Elton John vows to make hip-hop record next. EVERYBODY PANIC

(Jim Hill)

Another childhood memory smashed: Meet the new "extreme" Winnie-the-Pooh

(138)

Authoritative annual survey on attitudes to religion in the United States find way more people believe liberals are too God-hating than believe conservatives are too Bible-thumping

(196)

Farker’s boss discovers that Drew pulls mad bank, goes to further investigate, declares “WTF? Squirrel Balls?”

Man unearths 10 inch, 591 carat emerald

Fri August 25, 2006:

(Click Like Mad You Fool)

# of Comments

If you're wanting a hellaciously furious game that tests your mouse handling skills, well, you've come to the right link. Your face, replacement keyboard sold separately

(113)

(Spotted Augusta)

Photoshop these kings of karaoke

(gainesvilletimes)

Apparently, “I was pretty much drunk when I had sex with the corpse” is not a good defense in Georgia anymore

(217)

(Palm Beach Post)

Another story about Long Island head chopper. Quote "For some odd reason, a lot of major news stories seem to have a Palm Beach County connection." Florida just barely beats Obvious

(Some Wrasslin' Guy)

Editorialist fields angry emails from professional wrestling fans, some of whom appear to be fairly stupid. Whodathunkit?

(121)

(Bloomberg)

Bankruptcy court needs another day to decide whether or not to allow Northwest Airlines to bribe federal judge

The locks in your house are easily bypassed with a $10 bump key. Everybody panic

Natalie Portman walks with the high beams on (sfw)

(273)

Newb needs help with profile. DIT

(156)

Soccer goalie gets criminal record in Britain for making sign of the cross during game. Really

Explosion inside a Post cereal plant blows one unfortunate employee to Alphabits

Former President Gerald Ford gets angioplasty, device to ward off wolf attacks

Coors accused of high alcohol content

Hitler artwork to be sold. If only one had a Hitler-themed restaurant to hang it in

Mortgage lender makes the shocking announcement that broke people have stopped paying their mortgages. Read it now, or wait for Ric Romero to scoop this sometime in 2008

(Daily Mail)

Police not amused as someone starts altering signs informing motorists that traffic cameras are being used in the area to read "Greed cameras" (pic)

(Comedy Central)

TFer's old videoedit "No Budget Film Channel" is in the news again, now a semi-finalist for Comedy Central's "Test Pilots" Contest. (LGT Contest, DIT)

Google to SEC: "We're not an investment fund, please ignore this huge pile of cash". Likely SEC response: DIAF

Apparently you are not allowed to bring dynamite onto a plane, even in your checked luggage. Who knew?

Rescued fishermen deny cannibalism, but admit "There's a little bit of Senor Juan in all of us"

(RFE)

Kyrgyzstan erects monument to all the brave vowels slaughtered there by Russians in 1916

Not News: Man demands DNA test to clear his name in home invasion. News: Clears him of invasion charges. Fark: Implicates him in rape case

(The HawaiiChannel)

I guess if you have rice, and seaweed, and some spam you might as well wrap it all together and eat it. But the other 49 states could have told you it was gonna make you sick

It was only a matter of hours before America's small, unintrusive government started trying to prevent CBS from airing controversial new season of Survivor

CNN to replay their coverage of 9/11 to mark the 5th anniversary. What could possibly go wrong?

(269)

Pakistani national arrested in Ft Wayne for pulling the ol' "if you don't send me nude pix I'll hack your parent's credit rating" on underage Michigan girl

TSA diverts two more flights due to election year concerns

(some violated goat)

Iceland... known for it's other-worldly landscape, the Vikings, Bjork, and... goat groping contest? What will the Icelanders EVER do next?

If you stole this woman's 300-pound scrap-metal gorilla sculpture, please bring it back, and kick your meth habit

Man who looks like Santa Claus decides to go for a walk and chat with neighbors in Palm Beach County . Naked. With mugshot goodness

Bad: Applying to law school. Worse: being rejected. Fark: School prints your confidential application information on back of calendar distributed to students

(James Hill For Congress)

"I am the only drunken Pirate seeking office in this great nation. What a sad testimonial to our political system when a degenerate like me feels like the most honest candidate on the ballot"

(107)

Oh the huge manatee is thriving in Cape Cod

(Caledonian Record.com)

Asshat who killed two in Vermont shooting rampage also shot himself in the head TWICE. Sadly, he is alive and well

(wsoctv.com)

Secret Service: "Hello, Virginia DOT? Could you please close down all carpool lanes leaving Washington DC so the President can easily get to and from a fundraiser for George Allen?" VDOT; "Die in a fire."

(269)

(wsoctv.com)

VFW post tries to host "G-Strings For GIs" strip show featuring male dancers as a fundraiser for soldiers. Hilarity ensues

Chicago mayor Daley proposes "13th grade" to defray college costs. Still no cure for re-election campaigns

(174)

New study shows that society does not approve of breastfeeding in public. Still no cure for cancer, spoiled milk

(418)

Forbes follows up "don't marry career girl" article with female counterpoint: don't be a whiny loser. The pocorn's a poppin'

(201)

Chinese government auditor gets massages, eats and drinks on the job until he keels over dead. His colleagues are so upset they all go on vacation. No, really

(Woonsocket Call)

83-year-old man who fished winning lottery ticket out of garbage can gives half to the estate of the dead guy who bought it so he can enjoy some hookers and blow before being nailed into a box himself

Ewoks vs. Munchkins

Orange County diners come for the crab dinners, leave with lung parasites. Bon appetit

Photos of a Pug dressed as different famous people, including Spock from Star Treak. Ya Rly

(98)

Former actress Brigitte Bardot denounces new Geneva law that requires muzzles on all dogs in public parks. Judging from her pic, she must be under the impression that she will be required to wear one, too

(219)

(Myrtle Beach Online)

Man has to "retire immediately" from $134k a year job for forwarding raunchy emails. Kicker: He was warned about this 4 years ago and didn't stop. 14 others busted as well

(82)

Smart: Drinking beer. Smarter: Representing your country drinking beer. Fark: Winning the gold and forgetting your name while drinking beer (sponsored link)

California lawmakers to allow condoms in prisons. Apparently, legislators finally figured out what PMITA stood for

Guy loves pancakes so much he shoots a home video of him getting out of bed and making them, accompanied by a song he composed himself. Now he's on Good Morning America and the Israeli pop charts (link to vid)

(144)

(englishrussia.com)

Trostky Church of St.Petersburg is on fire (photos)

(331)

5 disturbing dog technologies

(152)

(Charleston Gazette)

Once again, there were no terrorists, no bombs, and lots of paranoia

(148)

Doctor tells granny if she wants her drivers license renewed, she has to arm-wrestle him for it

Hurricane season off to slow start, but there's still plenty of time for media to create sensationalist headlines and keep public nervous

Living up once again to its title as "the city that fun forgot", Ottawa, Canada, passes a bylaw against opening new pubs, dance bars or strip clubs in its entertainment district

(218)

Patricia Tombaugh "shaken up" that she will no longer be able to top anybody by saying, "My husband discovered a planet. What did yours ever do?"

(117)

Woman doesn't know if her neck feels better because of Jesus or physical therapy but we can all agree that the only miracle here is that her HMO paid for her MRI

Anger as 2005 Bordeaux wine fetches record prices, probably due to the rise in kerosene prices

Doctors operate on guy's tumor, only to find out that it's not a tumor but his mutant twin brother's fetus and it's parasitical to boot. Kindergarden cop unavailable for comment

(157)

Burglary in Liverpool, England, foiled by man in Dallas, TX, who caught the raid via internet webcam

Stock futures up ahead of Bernanke talk, mostly because investors thought it had something to do with Japanese porn

(21)

Virginia 12-year old gambles her way to the top (including winning car) at special church retreat. Gotta love hero pre-teen gambling tales for Jesus

(Improv Everywhere)

You know what would be funny? Getting 225 people to invade a local Home Depot, then have them all move and shop in slow motion (photo, video goodness included)

(412)

Photoshop this creepy stone alley

(101)

Scientists erase memories in rat brains, which is good I guess, if you are a rat

(116)

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin lets fly with this gem: "You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed, and it's five years later. So let's be fair." You're making friends fast around here, pal

(569)

New York Times trounces naysayers by announcing its first "perfume critic"

(24)

Seattle liquor board wants to ban the sale of cheap beer and wine

(176)

Motorist pretty damn surprised when an eight-year-old boy on a jetski slams into his vehicle. Top notch police work reveals the boy took a wrong turn on a lake

UK population hits 60 million. That's, like, 94 million teeth

Airbus files patent for onboard "jet lag zapper." Hmm, introducing randomly fluctuating electromagnetic fields onto packed airplanes. What could possibly go wrong?

Bad news: Celebrity fish dies at Chicago aquarium. Good news: They're having a fish-stick special at the aquarium's cafe. Limited time only

Pepper spray for women marketed in Swarovski crystal bottles, because that's why so many women don't carry it -- it's not stylish enough

Man stops in middle of highway when $20 bills start hitting the windshield

(The Kansas City Channel)

"Mommy, there's pork lungs in my pork livers." "When I was your age all we had was pork lungs and we liked it"

Thu August 24, 2006:

# of Comments

County lawn workers re-enact "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" after one criticizes the other's lawn skills

Top tourist attractions criticised for only offering burgers, fries and sodas, rather than healthy foods. Because nothing makes a day out more special than trying to force carrot sticks and bottled water into your four-year-old

Beer-drinking man, armed with Viagra and wearing "short shorts" while riding a bicycle with pornographic photo taped to the handlebars, accused of waving his willy at startled female passersby. This dude really brought his game

(realestatejournal)

The six-foot-wide SUV of refrigerators. Go USA

Impatient driver tries to drive pickup truck around stopped train. Hilarity ensues

Apparently, washing and waxing your car will help you get seven-percent better gas mileage. For some reason, I find that hard to believe

(Shreveport Times)

Driver announces front of bus is for "white children" to the nine black children sitting there

(173)

Austrian girl kidnapped eight years ago escapes from cellar and is reunited with her family. Reported to be in good health, with incredibly soft skin but a strong aversion to hoses

(Photoshop fan)

Photoshop this waterfall

(Ron Popeil)

The top 10 stupidest As Seen on TV products of all time

(126)

A look at some of the insane snack packages in a Japanese grocery store -- including blue cream soda that comes in a condom-like container

"Manslang" -- i.e., "mandals" instead of sandals, "guyliner" instead of eyeliner -- takes root as more men embrace their inner chick

Woman arrested for hosting drinking parties for high schoolers and encouraging them to have sex in her apartment. Eye bleach for mugshot not included

Mystery of legless man who washed ashore 150 years ago now solved. His name was Bob

(91)

Judge detains five people for cellphones ringing in her court

Air marshals' dress code relaxed so they don't have to wear clothes screaming "LOOK AT ME. I'M AN AIR MARSHAL"

(58)

Chinese government decrees there will now only be one stiff member at a funeral

"Bare-Bottom Bandit" arrested for burglary again. Although he was wearing pants this time

Remember the homeowner whose house was giving neighbors the finger? The vent's now gone

(WGAL)

Things you might find Dumpster diving in Pennsylvania: Cardboard, almost-new running shoes, paper, wheezing half-dead pit bull. With pics

(207)

(BusinessWeek)

Hooters Air, Heinz All-Natural Cleaning Vinegar, Maxim Hair Color for Men, CNN Most Popular Stories: Brand extensions that just don't work

Alleged terrorist turns out to be foreign dude off his meds; meaningless metal arch in St. Louis safe... for now

(Some punk kid)

Proving the old adage about monkeys and typewriters, 83-year-old man finds a farmer's market with obvious results

(74)

Oil prices up on concerns that oil prices might go up

Explosion blows up bomb-recycling plant. Investigators looking into possible causes

Australian doctor, convicted for growing almost 50,000 marijuana plants, spared jail when analysis finds his crop was such poor quality, it wouldn't even qualify as Des Moines ditch weed

Who's killed more, Satan or God? With death tally goodness

(674)

Astrologers quickly weigh in on subject, say Pluto's demotion from planet status won't affect their predictions -- especially since astrological predictions are all a bunch of hooey anyway

(92)

Tropical Storm Debby not expected to make landfall, effectively thwarting dozens of "Debby does (your town here)" jokes

Gloucester fishing boat nets WWII mine after throwing a wave to the lighthouse keeper's kid

Middle school geography teacher hangs flags of China and Mexico and is promptly removed from class and put on adminstrative leave. Good thing they took a stand, because it would be hard to justify foreign flags being displayed in a classroom

(448)

Denver Water floats rate hike after campaign to reduce water use actually works

Airline bans Dell computers as a potential explosive device. Dude, you're getting a BOOM

This year's first school shooting brought to you by Vermont, where even the rednecks drive Volvos

(176)

Milwaukee celebrates its naming as America's drunkest city by getting plastered

(114)

Man douses porn shop with liquid after watching a pornographic film. No, the flammable kind

Unlike your huge ass, BMI may not be accurate representation of obesity

(211)

(Florida Times-Union)

Old management: Empowerment, inclusion. New management: Baseball bat to the head

Seventeen-year-old breaks free of duct tape; stabs intruder to death; saves family

(443)

(Myrtle Beach Online)

College kid, hopped up on ecstasy, jumps off pier and drowns. Does the father of son A) mourn his loss privately? B) Help teach kids not to do drugs? C) Sue city for $10 million? If you chose C, also note that he is acting as his own lawyer

(149)

Photoshop theme: If Drew Curtis and George Bush switched jobs

(Some 40-Year-Old Virgin)

SciFi not changing its name to SurgeTV after all. TNN unavailable for comment

(123)

Holy Jihad Brigades offers to trade two Western journalists for Muslim prisoners. No word on whether draft picks are involved

(74)

(Naples News)

MySpace is home to at least 12 Paris Hiltons, 16 David Spades and a bunch of people pretending to be other D-list celebrities

(113)

Having succeeded at attention whoring, "Hitler's Cross" restaurant agrees to change name after only one week. "Third Reich Restaurant," "Auschwitz Eatery" and "Jew-Hating Cafe" now under consideration

Juventus to appeal to Italian civil courts despite warning from FIFA. Bring on the bannination

Pay no attention to the bursting real estate bubble behind the curtain

(320)

Homeless woman -- all 150 kilograms of her -- continues to bathe nude in public fountain, despite fines. German police reduced to handing out goggles and eye bleach

Dutch government says airline incident isn't terror-related. Dutch rudder incident is, however

Gromozon: aka, one nasty rootkit

(108)

Bubba the Fish goes belly up. Don't worry Kip, his sole is with cod now

(Scripps Howard)

Forget the Doomsday Clock: America's Fat Clock stands at five minutes to twelve. Oooh, lunchtime

Paris Hilton's autobiography tops the list of the books most often left behind by travellers in hotel rooms. That's okay though, she long ago grew accustomed to being abandoned in seedy hotel rooms by strangers

"Plan B" contraceptive pill soon to be approved. Plan A rejected when it was discovered that "A" stood for "abstinence"

(519)

If you visit Grant Park in Chicago, beware of geese with explosive diarrhea. In fact, wherever you go, you probably want to watch out for that as well

Rite Aid to buy up Eckerd and Brooks; create giant conglomerate of overpriced crap

(Columbus Dispatch)

Teens exploring haunted house find old man with a shotgun who really, really wants them to get the hell of his lawn

(159)

Words you don't want in your obituary: "...discovered naked with KY Jelly and a condom next to his body"

(88)

Ten minutes after being found "not guilty" for assault, dumbass assaults a TV news crew

Study finds Muslims, Arabs seeing wages and weekly earnings drop over past five years. Almost as if there were some conflict between Muslims and other groups across the country

(218)

(Union Leader)

NH Supreme Court rules that the government can keep and destroy more than 500 CDs taken from their owner, even though the state failed to prove that a single disk was illegal

(141)

AARP urges Florida to adopt condo owners' bill of rights, 24-hour "Matlock" channel

(16)

Mickey Mouse astronomers finally put Pluto down for good. Goofy missing and presumed scared

(311)

(MosNews)

Russian oil production overtakes Saudi Arabia. Oil will now be called red gold. David Eddings unimpressed

(110)

Toll collector discovers his bosses frown on his "one for you, one for me" approach to collecting revenue from drivers

Artist crafting sculptures from weapons used in felonies

Royals score 10 runs on Clevland in first inning, lose 15-13. Suck it, '62 Mets

Today's "JonBenet story keeps getting weirder" article: Captain Janks pranks Wolf Blitzer live on CNN: "He was instructed to kill JonBenet by Howard Stern"

(173)

Apparently, the latest right-wing talking point is that blacks can't swim. Trumped-up media outrage in three... two... one...

(511)

Astronomers begin voting on whether Pluto should still be a planet, also whether Donald Duck should put on some damn pants

(99)

It took a while, but the lone Sago mine survivor is finally healthy enough to sue

(Edmonton Sun)

Edmonton invaded by big and scary fat spiders. Canadian heebie-jeebies threat system elevated to orange

London Fark Party, Saturday 23rd of September, Ben Crouch's Tavern. Lets get a little bit eerie

Authorities horrified to find that Norwegians hit on each other after drinking

IRS' third-party debt collection plan already farked by fake collections agencies. How long did that take, two days?

(100)

"Catch and Release" border policy ends. Mexicans over 12-inches long may now be kept, with a limit of two per day

(100)

Federal government mistakenly "reimburses" $50 million in seniors' prescription benefits, only to discover that it's already been blown on the nickel slots

Explosion rocks Post Cereal plant. Tiger, leprechaun, rabbit sought for questioning

Photoshop these glowing burners

(90)

Man falls asleep in his driveway after a night of heavy drinking. Wife drives home from work. Hilarity ensues

You complained to your Republican county commissioner about trespassers on your property. He told you to get a gun. Yep, you're in Florida

(166)

Good: Man tries skydiving. Bad: Parachute fails. Good: Backup parachute saves man from certain death. Bad: Aren't those power lines?

(Puma)

Encyclopedia Brown finally solves the case of the sexy Puma ads

(111)

Osama Bin Laden threatens police with blender after high speed chase

Saying "God bless you" or "Praise Allah" in Uzbekistan could land you in jail for eight years. Just stick to "Gesundheit"

In the understatement of the day, judge sentencing woman for stealing $2.3 million to buy lottery tickets said she "obviously had a gambling problem." Ya think?

Police officer arrested for having teenage girls shoplift bras for her. Bust provides overwhelming evidence

"War-torn Middle East seeks solace in religion"

Thirty takes later, actor Daniel Radcliffe finally manages an onscreen kiss for Harry Potter. DVD bonus features to include 29 outtakes of "Harry Potter and the Unwanted Erection"

(160)

(milk.com)

There is not enough tin foil in the world for this woman

(202)

Polar-bear genitals shrinking due to pollution. Bears insist that shrinkage is natural after swimming in cold water all day

Since cooler gel packs are now banned as carry-on luggage, tourists flying out of Nova Scotia are now packing their live lobsters in frozen vegetables

Wed August 23, 2006:

# of Comments

(Khaleej Times)

Hindu temple plans to build holy man a solid gold throne weighing 550 pounds, to replace his current silver one

(Some Dun Dun DUNNNN)

Previously unseen photos of WTC 7, submitted by 9/11 rescue worker, raise new questions about the building's collapse

(483)

Nurses and firefighters dominate sexual fantasies. In other news, a small percentage of women get turned on by traffic wardens

Photoshop this parrot

Renault-Nissan may seek alliance with Ford. New company to be called ForRenNis, narrowly edging out Faulti-san

(NBCSanDiego.com)

Virgin Mary's 2006 summer concert tour still going strong, now appearing in the wood paneling at a San Diego restaurant

That 100-foot, smoke-belching backyard model of the Titanic may be sunk by the iceberg of local bylaws

(Defamer)

101 Fun, Alternative Uses For Your Emmy: No. 44: Golden toilet paper holder

Instashop this freewheeling fellow

(ABC15.com)

Today's "felonious clown story" brought to you by Phoenix

Boy Scouts rescue 18-month-old from river

State Department rejects demands made by Fox News journalists' kidnappers

(200)

(farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 68: "Farktography Classic: On All Fours"

(377)

(deseretnews.com)

Dirtbag criminal punches clerk in the face. Former marine happens to be in the store. Ass kickilarity ensues

(157)

Ancient Persian-era water-park unearthed in Israel. Not to be outdone, Palestinians announce discovery of 30 year old Slip-n-Slide found in Arafat's old garage

McDonald's restructuring corporate ranks, holding recall election for Mayor McCheese

Miami school board wants to ban book that tells the tale of living in Cuba. "Estúpido" tag unavailable for comment

(72)

Super troopers not on duty when Pennsylvania boy gets arrested for saying "meow" to neighbor

(187)

Dallass to crack down on pants sagging below the waist butt could face a hole lot of opposition from bummed out residents

(96)

Forbes magazine explains why men should keep their women at home and in the kitchen

(360)

Empty beer cans, vomit-stained shirt puts Kentucky airport on high alert

Increased U.S. militarty presence in Baghdad has radically decreased violence and car bombings. That silence you hear is John Murtha's explanation of how troops could have done it just as easily from Okinawa

(334)

Hezbollah claims it sank an Israeli ship with a missile; proves it with photo of a decommissioned Australian ship being scuttled with a torpedo. In 1998

(380)

(FreeNewMexican)

Archaeologist who does survey for soon-to-be-constructed Wal-Mart supercenter unable to believe that they didn't want him to find anything. Also unable to decipher meaning of secret handshake and "wink, wink, nudge, nudge"

(MosNews)

Sneaky Russians at border crossing try to dig their way to Germany with a shoehorn, end up in Poland instead, then try to dig back to Germany only to end up in Russia again. Men to be given honorary Polish citizenships

Pennsylvania mayor: "Illegal immigrants are destroying our way of life and causing crime. Just the other day we arrested four people on a playground for selling crack, and ONE of them turned out to be an illegal alien"

(138)

Spammer sentenced to extreme and cruel 12:30 - 7:oo a.m. curfew, for two months. That'll teach him

There are 300,000 Azerbaijan refugees in Armenia. There are 300,000 schizophrenics in Canada. And now, thanks to davemac76, there are also 300,000 registered user accounts on Fark

(288)

Britney Spears wants to be buried with her pet dog because she loves it so much. Cletus in turn asks to be buried with a case of PBR, and a wifebeater that smells of urine and failure

(99)

(TownOnline.com)

Burger King charges a Boston-area teen $1.04 for a cup of ice that he needed for his injuries after he had been hit by a car outside the restaurant

(197)

(9news.com)

Man hiking Colorado mountain trail slips, falls 800 feet, brushes himself off, resumes search for Sarah Connor

(NBC-2)

When collecting child porn, it's not a good idea to use it as your screensaver, especially when deputies are already investigating a murder at your house

(90)

Photoshop this trooper and his dog

According to today's "pulled this one out of my ass" survey, employees waste $544 billion by surfing the Net, socializing with coworkers and just "spacing out." Bob and Bob unavailable for comment

(Nevada Today)

Jamie Gold, winner of this year's World Series of Poker, has disappeared and is getting sued for $6 million

(154)

Man wakes up Sunday unable to remember how he got into bed, what happened the night before or where his pants went; goes back to running Fark

BT says women make the best bosses because they don't know about Hawaiian Shirt Day

(local news daily)

Historic tunnel cleared of rubble and used for the first time since 1948. Much like Bea Arthur

Cinnabon creator dies. Kids in malls everywhere flying their pants at half-mast

(JP)

Israel invests in "I'm not dead yet" second strike nuke subs for no apparent reason

(402)

While American housing bubble expected to dramatically burst, Canadian bubble to deflate gradually. No word if it will look like a shriveled boob

(196)

Answering an age-old question, researchers conclude that elephants can run. Next up, do chickens have lips?

Man too embarrassed to tell airport security that object in luggage was component for penis pump because mother was standing nearby. Instead tells authorities it's a bomb. Hilarity ensues

(92)

(Willamette Week)

Newspaper intern steals his own bike seven times in broad daylight. No one bats an eye. (With video)

Dutch police detain 12 passengers from diverted flight. Said to be holding them in large oven

Man, facing his second deportation, discovers that he actually has been a U.S. citizen since he was 15

See, here's your problem right here. You don't have a "weird engine noise" so much as a "four-month-old kitten" behind your dashboard

Today's big news: We're still alive

(101)

(Shanghai Daily)

Chinese farmers hire strippers to ensure there's always more than one stiff at a funeral

The craphole that is now New Orleans is slowly returning to its pre-Katrina craphole self

(167)

Virgin cheese sandwich. Shatner's kidney stone. Cleveland, Ohio. The GoldenPalace.com tour starts tomorrow (clothing optional)

(17)

After last year's study which proved that people who were slightly overweight live longer caused funding for research to decline, researchers have now found that you will die immediately if you are one pound overweight

(98)

Oldster who was driving his lawnmower around town gets a donated scooter

The unexpected death of Robert Hoffman, founder of National Lampoon, also turns out to be not funny

(Inside Higher Ed)

This year's college freshmen have known only two presidents and have no clue what Yakov Smirnoff is referring to

(187)

Old and busted: Subway passengers having an anthrax scare when a powdered donut spills. New hotness: Passengers freaking out when someone leaves their half-empty bottle of iced tea on the train

London's Home Office uses radio to advertise a website telling children how to stay safe online. When link is spelled correctly, it sends people to a porn site

Hey, women. We'll let you come to our school, but only if 20 percent of you let us pinch your nipples. That goes for four percent of you men, too. Welcome to the Citadel

(Rocky Mountain News)

Handwriting expert who judged John Mark Karr's samples is not an actual qualified handwriting expert, he just plays one on TV. In other news, this crap will never end

Remember that hole in the ozone that was gonna grow and grow and scorch us with deadly ultraviolet radiation? Well, it changed its mind

(237)

(myfoxny.com)

Two men ride New York subway system all day; will never lose urine smell off of their bodies

Fox News kidnappers lay down 72-hour deadline. Fox News asks if they can't wait until sweeps

(228)

Bad: Coast Guard finds you passed out, naked, adrift in $350,000 yacht. Worse: You are in possession of a shotgun and methadone. Worsest: You stole the yacht

The top 10 most ruthless sports teams (sponsored link)

(144)

One positive side effect of desperate people with bad judgement spending more time online: Herpes cases decline by 19 percent

(Mirror)

Ozzy Osbourne voted Britain's silliest celebrity, edging out all members of Royal Family combined, even with Camilla as a write-in

(27)

"This lipstick has already been put on this pig. Now the only way to stop this boondoggle is to send Rick Perry home in November." Texas politicians don't hold with all that fancy book learnin'

(133)

(WSPA.com)

City tries to annex Sugar Tit, but the Sugar Tittians put up a fight

(KTVO)

Not news: High speed pursuit. News: The chase leads to a six-car pileup. Fark: The cops were out in front, being pursued by high school seniors

The story about the snakes in a motherfarkin' theater is a motherfarkin' hoax. Still no cure for bad ticket sales

Scientists indulge farmers who insist cows have regional accents

Milwaukee is the "hardest-drinking city in America"

(215)

(Some Girl)

Photoshop this Fark-lovin' granny for her 90th birthday

(71)

(M.E.N)

Actual headline: “Paramedics caught in pig rodeo”

Armless driver claims cruising at 120 mph makes him feel free, methadone has nothing to do with it. Which probably explains why he was caught doing it 19 times. Wheeeee

Drew will be on 106.9 The Fox, Norfolk, VA this morning at 8:10 a.m., assuming he can talk through this hangover

Today's overreaction to some trivial in-flight incident is courtesy of Amsterdam's Schiphol airport

(132)

Study finds we can't remember where we left our damn car keys, but our brains need only one-tenth of a second to decide if someone if attractive

(93)

"Too pretty for prison" schoolteacher Debbie Lafave too popular for house arrest. Judge grants break in confinement to allow her to appear on "Today" show

(185)

Children made to lay in car seats to avoid seeing people farking in Irish countryside

(168)

Woman finds face of baby Jesus in her ultrasound (with pic)

(300)

(Rockstars)

Photoshop these two wanna-be rockers and their plastic guitars

(WHDH)

Don't you hate it when you're in the bathroom of a bar and some guy comes up and pisses on your leg, then upon realizing his mistake, stabs you?

(38)

Teeth, apply directly to the forehead. Teeth, apply directly to the forehead. Teeth, apply directly to the forehead

Tue August 22, 2006:

# of Comments

A month after Paris Hilton says she will abstain from sex for a year, this headline comes out: "Percentage of people with herpes drops." Coincidence?

Two lawmen killed during charity bike ride to raise money for widows of slain police officers. No, it's not ironic. It's just a sad coincidence

(82)

RFID manufacturer trying to convince Pentagon to let it imbed chips in 1.4 million members of the military. You can break out the tinfoil helmets, but it won't do you any good

(156)

Fast food chains increasingly making it the customers' way. That would be burgers with no lettuce, no tomato, no vegetable content of any kind

Crazy twelve-year-old kid throws flaming towel at a SWAT team, sets the lawn on fire

Russian passenger jet crashes, killing 170

New law in Rhode Island does away with mail-in rebates, makes them all "on-the-spot" rebates... entire state runs out of Pepsi 4 cases at a time

(130)

(Montgomery Advertiser)

Carnivorous wasps creating nests the size of cars throughout the South. Everybody panic. No, really -- EVERYBODY PANIC

(158)

Jonah Goldberg: "It is striking what a conservative movie 'Serenity' is. In the 1930s, it would be villified as 'fascist...'" Yeah, well I'm sure the Browncoats will have something to say about that. Wait, what?

(273)

"Rap music blamed for teen pregnancy." Proof that the rhythm method doesn't work

Paramount ends relationship with Tom Cruise over off-screen behavior, lack of cuddling

(261)

Bill Clinton's 60th birthday is tomorrow. Photoshop him a nice card

(DFWPD)

Dallas police say man found dead bound and gagged was probably a suicide. They came to this conclusion using the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot methodology

(113)

Department of Children and Families to bat-mom: Suck it

(135)

Widely prescribed prostate drug linked to cataract surgery complications. No word on how they get their heads that far up

(19)

Activists try to curtail hotels' in-room porn. However, "precise statistics on in-room adult entertainment are hard to come by"

(154)

(Las Vegas Sun)

"Eight hours? But I want to get married to this drunken crack whore NOW." Vegas late-night marriage licenses comes to an end

America isn't dumb -- we is a nation of pop-culture geniuses

(184)

Moviegoers think the surround sound for "Snakes on a Plane" is really amazing, but it's actually kids releasing live rattlesnakes in the theater

(195)

Fire breaks out at crematorium

Pathologist accused of pathological attacks on wife. Good thing she didn't marry a urologist

Federal court slaps down IRS: Constitution says not *everything* = income

(198)

Ugly-ass baby jungle cat and leopard cub born at the Assam state Zoological Park in Guwahati. Wherever the hell that is

People are watching videos on YouTube. Ric Romero has more at 11:00. Submitter finally understands the cliche

(90)

Pastor who fired Sunday School teacher for being a woman now says that wasn't the REAL reason, just the one they put in the letter. The real reason? Well, umm... they are too Christian and charitable to say publicly

(231)

Though midgets would be more entertaining, mayoral vacancy may end in a coin toss

(19)

Photographer Frank Lennon, who took the shot that is "etched into the visual cortex of every Canadian," has passed away at 79

(179)

Connecticut mayor, serving 37 years for sexually abusing minors, claims city owes him tens of thousand of dollars for vacation and sick days he never got to use because he was in jail

(91)

Ad campaign launched to battle Scottish drinking. "It won't fecking work" heard nationwide

Justice minister in favour of jailing children aged 10 to 12, eliminating preliminary hearings for defendants, eliminating Sections 7 through 14 of Charter. Okay, the last one's not in there, but you know he's thinking it

(74)

(KNAC.com)

Ownage! Pantera publicist's response to E! Channel's request to re-enact Dimebag's death

(311)

Today's "JonBenet Ramsey's case gets weirder” story brought to you by John Karr's mother, who tried to make a bonfire out of him when he was a baby

(124)

(Journal Star)

Nebraska researchers dare to imagine a world in which some sort of drug, perhaps injected, could make you completely forget about your crushing want for meth

(197)

Woman refuses rabies shots for her kids -- after home found infested with bats. Says her "faith" will protect them. Oh Lord, which art in Florida, how hilarity doth ensue

(314)

Appeals court overturns ban on sexually oriented billboards. Missouri House Speaker brags of his state being exposed to sleazy billboards along highway, makes other states jealous

(167)

(KIRO 7)

Today's "bat-shiat crazy deranged murdering sociopath with a conscience" story brought to you by Everett, Washington

(earthtimes.org)

Montreal mayor tramples on sacred Canadian constitutional right to swim in bacteria-infested pools

Occasionally, one finds a real headline that cannot be improved upon. "Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia," for example

(103)

Analyst at Forrester Research Inc. wonders if 20 seconds is enough time to slander an opponent

(NewsChannel 5)

Man converted to Christianity during his trial for murder; after losing the case, is converting back to Judaism

(390)

(Rocky Mtn News)

After analysis of John Karr's handwriting, expert is 99.9 percent certain it will get his name into media

(92)

Counterterrorist unit's memo, stamped repeatedly with "Do NOT release to the public or media," is emailed to pretty much every media organization in Southern Arizona

Hey, look! They brought that "Hurricane could hit NYC EVERYBODY PANIC" story back out of the mothballs from last month. Smoke break at CNN, dudes

(WTVG)

Man armed with cardboard tube fails to rob a Hardee's restaurant. Plans to come back and try again with a comfy chair

Reclusive Russian mathematician refuses to accept "Nobel Prize" of math for solving 100-year-old problem about the nature of multidimensional space; also seems uninterested in the $1 million prize he's due

(228)

Yesterday's fallen interloper actually just drunk Irishman. Owner no longer facing charges

Prisoners use chilis to break out of jail. No word on what they used pickles for

(El Paso Times)

Men, unhappy with their teeth grillz, have a great idea: Kidnap the grillz' maker until he gives up his tire rims

(199)

Those croutons and flakes of parmesan cheese on your cafeteria tray may not be croutons and parmesan cheese if your lunch lady has Hepatitis

Runaway tortoise covers five miles in six weeks, setting a new tortoise land speed record. Snail on back reported to have said, "Wheeeee!"

Theme: Red Sox-Yankees rivalry

To ensure success at bank robbery, doublecheck to see if you're actually in a bank. Bonus: "ATM machine" sighting in article

University of Texas administrators react to "party school" ranking, seen running around flashing their boobies. Nah, not rly -- they're pissed

Woman, killed while bathing her dog, was warned that giving it its own bedroom was mistake

(472)

(Rockford (Ill.) Register Star)

British officials warn of "Katrina-like flooding" if a major storm hits Britain. The manufactured hurricane hysteria trifecta is now in play

(46)

Vermont town unsure how to handle proliferation of nude young people hanging out downtown

(131)

Computer glitch causes station’s gas price to fall

Best and worst commercials of the year. Apparently someone's year ends in August?

(168)

Church, conservatives outraged as Mexican seventh-graders open their biology books to find chapter four is all about sex. Just wait till they get to chapter five on donkey shows

(501)

In a blaze of apocalyptic fury on this religiously significant date, the Iranians reply righteously with "...a comprehensive reply that can open the way for resumption of talks for a final agreement." Oh, nevermind

(360)

There's no UFIA bridge in Hungary, but now you can get a Chuck Norris Park in downtown Houston. (With link to naming contest)

Police tell 85-year-old to stop using riding mower as his primary vehicle

CNN Money reports on the money-making potential of "a site packed with sophomoric humor run by a lone guy in Lexington, Ky." Never heard of it

(234)

Man divorces his wife while drunk. Islamic court rules that she must marry another man who is at least 70 for a day and get his permission to divorce before she can remarry her original husband. A detailed explanation is expected on Springer

(183)

Tired of Iran getting the spotlight, North Korea announces that the routine military exercise between U.S. and South Korea is an act of war; reserves the right to responds as it sees fit

(KETV 7 - Omaha)

If you're a pedophile and a junior league coach and in charge of publicity, you probably shouldn't put porn on the back of the league flyers you publish

(Post Star)

Thanks to an unusually hot and wet summer, a bumper crop of marijuana is expected in the Northeast

(142)

(IrieRadio.com)

Drew will talk Fark on the Rude Awakening Show this morning at 9:40 Eastern. Phone lines always open, 1-877-723-9626. Listen live via the link

(16)

Ah, the old "pizza-parlor call-forwarding credit-card scam"

(South Jersey Herald)

After slicing through a 50-foot tree with a chainsaw, guess when happens when you pull on a rope that was tied around it

Japan expecting flood of new lawyers after changes to bar exam. Days of game shows dragging sleeping people from their beds with galloping horses nearly over

(Some reader)

Ten most popular books of all time

(238)

Half a million British will be providing DNA samples for a "medical experiment." Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, et al., simultaneously key in G Major, "Hmmmmmmmmmm ...."

In honor of "Snakes on a Plane," photoshop an [animal] on a [vehicle] sequel. LGT GIS

(Beach & Bay Press)

Entire town stages intervention for itself

(Herald)

If the best slogan your day care can come up with is "No new E-coli cases in at least seven days," you may want to find a better one

(13)

(Stars and Stripes)

If you thought Oktoberfest was ulitimate brew orgy, you've never been to the Orion Beer Festival

(Herald)

Giant satsumas appear in Britain. As soon as we know what the hell they are, we will issue the "PANIC/don't panic" message on the Fark Emergency Broadcast System. You may fidget nervously while you wait

What's bright yellow, nine meters long and shifts into third gear at 270 miles per hour?

(Medical News Today)

Sixty-one percent of Canadian parents would be in favour of a ban on junk-food advertising, while almost 100 percent think someone else should be responsible for their kids' increasing fatness

(171)

(TheStar Online)

Gold discovered in Mongolian river valley. "That’s when the ninjas moved in." EVERYBODY PAN IT

Mon August 21, 2006:

(National Geographic.com)

# of Comments

The Army has an IM bot. I wanna kill. I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth

(227)

(Business Week)

Verizon lobbies FCC to eliminate government surcharge on DSL service. Then immediately adds their own surcharge of the same amount, which is, of course, totally unrelated to the eliminated fee

(226)

Having solved all their other problems, the federal court system convicts a man for stealing cable

(156)

Photoshop this crowd watching a horse race

Chess? Origami? Iowa? The rapturous excitement involved in combining chess, origami and Iowa is but one click away

(Dearborn County Register)

Kids in Michigan library reading program win toys poisoned with toxic levels of lead

(KHNL)

The exact spot on the highway where your two friends died may not be the best place to hold the memorial service, unless you are trying to start some kind of infinite causation loop

(146)

(WSMV.com)

Man has pet chicken for bridesmaid at wedding. No word on the menu for the reception, but Henrietta seemed nervous upon interview

One report states "millions of kids buy Internet alcohol, landmark survey reveals." Actually, the number might be 551,000

(71)

St. Louis Zoo introduces its three-week-old, 346-pound ugly-ass baby elephant (pic)

Gerald Ford gets new heart pacemaker. Now to get Jimmy Carter courage, George W. Bush a brain, and Hillary Clinton some red slippers

(186)

Online child model sites seen as “leaders of a rebellion movement" for pedophiles. Submitter invites this rebel movement to please relocate to Hoth and turn off the heaters

(297)

"It's hard to defend yourself against a nuisance complaint when the music is so loud that you don't realize the police have spent the last 10 minutes knocking at your door to get you to turn it down." (Last item)

Man at city council meeting screams about a white helicopter shaking his house. Who's to blame? "Terrorist p*ssies." Obviously

Man sentenced to mental hospital for strangling his girlfriend sues state to let him watch violent movies. What could possibly go wrong?

University of Texas wins "biggest party school" award. Submitter went there, wants to know what 12 schools ranked higher in pot usage

(173)

Thousands who got cancer from Prempro say, "It's cool, that happens." Nah, just kidding: Lawsuit

Alaskan cruise ship arrives at port with dead whale pinned to bow. “These boats are big enough that they don’t even feel a bump”

(MSN)

Ten things you shouldn't buy new

(269)

West Nile cases down as immunity emerges. EVERYBODY PANIC -- oh wait

Russians, who eat an average of 246 pounds of potatoes per person, are going crazy over Lay's potato chips

(112)

Congratulations, Shiites! Tomorrow is doomsday. But lets not get this confused with all the rest of the "doomsdays" we've had for the last 2000+ years

(100)

Oil prices climb back above $72 a barrel due to hurricanes that haven't happened yet

Voters in Florida finally getting the hang of it this time around, with confused voter pic goodness

(The Kansas City Channel)

Morvian in custody, via police scanner. Virginia Tech folks breathe sigh of relief, crack open a few cold ones

(172)

In the latest insult to Catholics / Blessed Virgin sightings, Mary is now reduced to a puddle of George Foreman's grease drippings

GM copies Ford, plans re-design of Camaro to compete with Mustang. GM apparently didn't get the memo regarding Ford's decision to cut production by 21%

(195)

Judge drops 3 of 5 charges against Jose Padilla after 3 years in prison

(254)

Amazon.com and all stores hosted by them (e.g. store.nba.com) are HTTP/500 not ok

AOL Search: AOL Chief Technology Officer --- We Found 1 Result: FIRED

(Some Bather)

Actual Headline: "Woman Fatally Mauled While Bathing Dog." Your dog warns you again: He does not want a bath

(221)

(Times Union)

Editor defends front-page story on 9/11 conspiracy theory nutbags, confusing newspaper's duty to cover alternative news with its reponsibility to filter valid ideas from insane, unsupported nonsense

(364)

(WGAL)

Reptile fetishist offended by and upset over "Snakes in a Plane" proves snakes are actually quite harmless with his "Dumbass in a Box of Snakes" demonstration. With slithery dumbass pics

(99)

How to convince people you're a saint, despite explosive evidence to the contrary

South Dakota's first execution since 1947 will be a Texan

(110)

Stop global warming by injecting sulphur into the air, at the same time making the world smell like Michael Moore's sweaty underpants

(The Nation)

Telephone and cable monopolies in bidding war for Congress. The winner gets to rape the Internet

(220)

Hydropower proposal threatens England's surfer culture. In other news, England has a surfer culture

Boy George praised for not trying to blow anyone while doing his community service

Well, there's the problem: You never let a five-year-old drive during rush hour

(wgst-am)

To the dismay of parents, UGA students receive a coupon book advertising alcohol specials and bail bonds at two Atlanta bookstores

(94)

(Some speeder)

Photoshop this anti-speeding sign and improve it

(150)

(whns-tv)

Former mayor of Atlanta to report to prison today. In other news, Neal Boortz is bouncing off the walls

Oil prices up in wake of Dog the Bounty Hunter lawsuit

If you are stealing body parts from people who are still alive, the Limpopo police would like a word with you

Woman may be deported because her husband had a heart attack and died before their immigration hearing was finished

Radio stations are losing their identity to syndication, according to a syndicated newspaper column

(High Heels)

Not news: Man drives to K-Mart, tries on shoes. Fark: Man drives into K-Mart, tries on women's shoes

Dynamite found at local yard sale. Everyone panics. Submitter was a responder

Residents of Riverside, Pennsylvania would welcome illegal immigrants if only they weren't ignorant, disgusting, lazy and didn't spread germs

(184)

Having won the War on Terror, eradicated the mafia and wiped out corporate crime, the Justice Department investigates the lack of cheerleaders at high school field-hockey games

(asahi.com)

Japan's women-only train cars turn one year old today. "At first glance, it appears the molestation situation is improving"

It took a few days, but someone is finally blaming Bush for the media hype over the Jon Benet Ramsey case

(338)

Homeowner cited by city for not keeping his outdoor staircase safe for burglars

(88)

(News 10 Now)

Woman dismissed from 11-year teaching position for being female. It's a wonder she lasted 11 years without anyone finding out

(290)

Jon Benet suspect who probably didn't do it sought sex-change operation while in Thailand. If you thought this story would only get weirder before dying down, it's still in the "getting weirder" stage

(174)

Y'all missed the big polygamy rally in SLC this weekend. The wife swapping was epic

(115)

Police chief's home burglarized while giving Neighborhood Watch lecture on preventing burglaries

Bird gets plastered, recovering nicely after tweetment

The richer a woman becomes, the more likely she is to divorce her husband

(246)

Police situation on Virginia Tech campus, Squiers Student Center. DIT from on-the-spot farker

(999)

Newspapers considered far more trustworthy as source of information than websites where any dumbass can post any damn thing he or she feels like, according to new research. In related news, this was posted by some dumbass

Man breaks into prison. "Life is so much easier on the inside. They feed you, do your washing and let you watch TV, which I can tell you is a lot more than my mum does"

Idiot names restaurant after Hitler. Says, "We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different"

(131)

What do Saddam Hussein, David Beckham and Katie Couric have in common? Soon, they will all be able to enlist in the Canadian military

(The Local)

Nothing like some hardcore group anal and oral sex to liven up a boring newscast

(63)

Joe Rosenthal, the photographer who shot the famous photograph of marines raising the U.S. flag on Iwo Jima, dies at age 94. Burial will employ four marines to push his coffin into the ground

(111)

Kevin Federline silences critics with his Teen Choice Awards performance

(335)

Man, claiming that his head is made of iron, goes to the hospital after beer bottle proves him wrong

(12)

(RTE News)

Corporate sponsorship for lap dancing on the decline in Ireland

(12)

(orbitcast)

Rumor has it that Honda is interested in purchasing XM. Includes some weird FTC documents

(47)

Boy falls asleep in class; sues the teacher for waking him up

(kfi-am)

When robbing a bank, make sure you have enough gas to at least drive a block or two

(10)

(UTVLive)

Anti-smoking mommies latest target? Tom. Yeah, the cartoon cat from "Tom & Jerry"

(kfor-tv)

Don't conduct a home invasion if you don't know how to not shoot, kill yourself

Study by scientists at Lawrence Livermore Lab reveals we are no closer to solving JFK's murder

(71)

(Spare Room NZ)

Billboard company offering $420 for return of their fake gigantic marijuana that was stolen by some stoners. With video of the perpetrators in action

English farmer pleads guilty to operating a horse and cart under the influence after downing 20 pints. But really, if that is wrong, who wants to be right?

Mummies of the world amble back to their homelands. Nursing homes everywhere on high alert

Crikey! Aussie sales people "among the most honest in the world." International study finds U.S. salepeople to be the least ethical due to financial goals. Clearly, the so-called behavioral scientists have never been to Tijuana

Why doesn't America believe in evolution?

(1005)

Colleges aiming to steer kids towards healthy diets. Yeah, good luck with that

This winter, shovel enough ice to prevent electric-company rape next summer

According to the trivia section of IMDb.com, Alan Thicke was the first choice for Oskar Schindler in "Schindler's List." Photoshop Alan into your favorite Oscar-winning movie. Link goes to inspiration

Latest sports fad is backwards running. See, there are better ways to look like a dork than by traditional jogging

How funny people find you depends on the accent in which you tell the joke. Hoire cooms de soiense. Hello? Is this thing on?

Remember how, 17 years ago, countries united to eliminate CFCs in order to save the ozone layer? Turns out the replacement chemicals contribute massively to global warming

South African women prefer shopping to sex

(Kraft)

Start your workweek with delicious Bacon Snack Bars

Finally, a crime story where the neighbors all agree that the suspect was a genuine asshole

Actual headline: Bribe-taking prison guard "did it for the money." Obvious tag beams with pride

(17)

The top 10 things you thought were right but are wrong

U.S. police departments are recruiting dogs from overseas to meet rising counter-terrorism demands of post-9/11 world. Your dog wants to know who tewk his jorb

Woman discovers that balancing on a chair on the balcony of your apartment on the 36th floor to mop the ceiling isn't a good idea