Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-08-13 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Eight ugly-ass pandas born this week in a mini panda baby boom. Stephen Colbert shudders

(4)

New research shows immigrants not taking our jerrbs

(21)

Old-folks' home makes room for Sammy the Duck. "My mother doesn’t remember anyone but Sammy"

(15)

The "debate" between Mayo and Miracle Whip rages on. Evidently, there can be only one soybean emulsion

"The role of real men is changing yet again. We are apparently at the beginning of what is called the 'Menaissance.'" You may now weep on cue

(102)

It's back to normal in New Orleans, crime went down 20% but the murder rate went up 70%

(15)

(Lovers, dreamers, & me)

Great page o' scientific explanation of rainbows, along with great rainbow pics

Let your kids walk to school. You save money and gas, they don't turn into tub o' lards... everyone wins

(Northwest Florida Daily News)

(OTR network)

Site with 11,000 "old-time radio" shows available for instant listening, for free

(111)

D'oh! China has banished Homer Simpson from primetime

(74)

The best pizza in the east isn't in New Haven - tell us about your best pizza

(360)

Barry Manilow used to repel teenagers. I guess music and passion aren't always in fashion

(35)

Online Guitar Tablature Archive shut down by DMCA. Again

(220)

Photoshop this rig

(65)

Proving once again that PT Barnum was right, parents are now buying luxury goods like cashmere jumpers for their babies

(70)

Coolest high-resolution, late 1940s-era color photograph of London you'll see all day

In a display of marksmanship heretofore seen only from the LAPD, Hezbollah uses 250 rockets to kill one Israeli

(333)

Machete-wielding woman outside White House. Jason wants his knife back

(137)

Ugly ass vampiric sea-spider discovered in Antarctica, defies scientists efforts to classify. And when I say "ugly ass," I mean it. Seriously. This is no joke

(236)

"A good penis size can compensate for other character flaws"

(242)

Play Super Mario Bros from the perspective of Bullet Bill

(KVIA)

89-year old grandmother encounters home invasion burglar. Doesn't have any milk and cookies to offer, but is gracious enough to share a very large can o' whoop-ass

As if the TSA didn't have enough to worry about this week, there was a munchkin convention in New Jersey. Must have flown under their rainbow

(28)

Perks of being leader of Turkmenistan: 1) Your people worship you like a God. 2) You're president for life. 3) You get a melon named after you on "Melon Day"

The U.S. Army is considering building a theme park. Photoshop some possible rides

(55)

(The Sentinel)

Man's brilliant 3-part plan to get woman to go out with him not working out too well. Phase 1 was ask her out. Phase 2 was to destroy her mailbox. Phase 3 was to leave a nude photo of himself at the scene of the crime

(30)

(Euro Weekly News)

Japanese company claims to have invented chewing gum that enhances breast size. Proposed name is Double-D Mint

(Mumbai Newsline)

Police not sure if art show entitled "Tits, Clits and Elephant Dicks" is actually obscene, ask for official opinion from local art college

(tsa.gov)

TSA bans gel insoles from flights. "Gellin' like a felon" given new meaning

(478)

(Daily News Transcript)

It took walking around his neighborhood intoxicated, naked, and holding drugs and a loaded gun, but welcome to Fark, Mr. Coughlan

(21)

(hamptonroads.com)

Thanks to these guys, Virginia is a ninja-free zone

(31)

What's worse than getting shot in the groin? The police showing up a few minutes later and tasering you

(30)

TFer just went to OfficeMax, and saw inspirational posters in the bathroom. Photoshop inspirational posters in the strangest places. Link goes to GIS

"We'd like to thank most especially Fark... for linking to our big stories throughout the year"

(Some Texan)

The nation's largest sewage dump

(Sunday Mirror)

Police looking for tire-slashing vigilante who leaves notes on vandalized cars reading "Warning. You have been seen driving while using your mobile phone"

(211)

She's 12 inches tall, with miniskirt, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels, and anatomically correct. Meet Collette ... ACTION HOOKER

(Tuscaloosa News)

Angry drunk guy yells at partying apartment dwellers to shut the hell up, then throws himself off third floor balcony. Taa daa

Bad ass F-15 takeoff

(131)

Barcelona decides to combat gang violence by legalizing and giving state aid to brutal gang

(Undeniable facts)

How to make a screw levitate... because it's Saturday and you're lonely

(wcia.com)

Paddleboaters startled to discover body in Crystal Lake. Chh chh chh haaa haaa haaa

(84)

Mother drives her 13-year-old son around to help him find someone to rob because "it was something they could do together"

(Winnipeg Sun)

Canadians flock to buy lotto tix as jackpot hits $42 million. By the way, that's a lump-sum, 100% tax-free $42 million

(187)

Sat August 12, 2006:

# of Comments

Three Army Rangers rob bank. Yearly three percent pay raise must not have been enough

(82)

With new rumors of an “Escape from Earth” movie in the works, photoshop some other situations Snake Plissken could escape from. Link goes to GIS

Study finds Ipods make you crazy, induce hyperboles

Cutest kitten you will see today

(219)

Nifty home distilling machines from Portugal

Top 10 most stolen luxury vehicles

(ew)

Stephen King's diet tips to scare you thin. Gypsy pie strangely not in plan

Numa Numa - World of Warcraft style

(102)

Airport officials promise that employees won't take home any liquids or gels confiscated at security checkpoints

(100)

(Lodi News)

Lodi (CA) Police Chief complains his officers are now "high-priced babysitters". Wishes they were high-priced donut eaters instead

At Sturgis, S.D., as long as you have the permits, you can be a biker gangster and carry a firearm. Police say, "Nothing to see here, move along, and don't shoot the jackalopes."

(Some skywatcher)

The Perseid meteor shower peaks tonight. Astronomy hasn't gone to pot, interest is mushrooming

(82)

(Tabloid Baby)

"Geraldo At Large" cancelled. How will the enemy know where our troops are now?

(147)

Enron's Skilling owes government $183 million for being a fraudulent douchebag

(53)

Pennsylvania holding auction of goods seized from passengers at security checkpoints. In related news, there are still people who think they can board a plane with a chainsaw as carry-on baggage

(129)

(Time)

What an airport bomb squad officer worries about. "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" apparently not on the list

Personal items of Unabomber will be sold on eBay. A+ Seller shipped quickly

(50)

(Mail Tribune)

Thieves intercept 1500-pound roll of artificial turf meant for high school football stadium, five Brett Favre passes

Lexington Ky Fark party - October 14th, 6pm - midnight DIT

Foie gras ban in Chicago is causing a huge demand in foie gras. Mafia foie gras smuggling begins in 3 ... 2 ... 1

(95)

Photoshop this darkwave singer

Officials at Churchill Downs fear track's turf could be damaged by upcoming Rolling Stones concert by fans' thousands of walkers and canes

(36)

(NewsNet5)

First ever Hamburger Festival to be held in Akron, Ohio this weekend

Cool skywriting over NYC

(78)

UFO spotted over the Tree of Life in Bahrain. In other news, Bahrain has a Tree of Life

(70)

Second richest Japanese man dies, acquires over $5 Billion in wealth after dropping out of primary (elementary) school

(52)

UK police spend £450,000 investigating an expense claim for £90

Chaos follows in Chinese typhoon's wake. Lin Xianglian was cowering in his kitchen from the strongest typhoon to hit China in half a century when he heard a roar and the house next door collapsed ... then he went out and stole their beer

(36)

(Some Needle-Shy Guy)

The good news is, researchers discover a vaccine that kills prostate cancer cells. The bad news is, it might have to be injected directly into the prostate. That whistling sound you hear is millions of sphincters across America contracting simultaneously

(154)

"How do you go to the toilet when you are sewn into a suit made from 11,000 spiky seed cases and you've been drinking?" (pic)

(73)

(RawStory.com)

Latest Stupid Wally World Trick: Sponsoring ballot measures to get "dry" counties to go "wet." What's good for Wally World is bad for Elmer Gantry

(212)

(Some TFette)

Sappy photo set of the day: Puppy vs. Lion Cub. Set your "awwwwww" meters to 8

Quite possibly the most amazing murals ever painted on the side of a building in 2D that look like they are 3D

New weather forecasts include a useful "beer index"

"Skinterns" wearing as little as possible in hopes of landing a job on Capitol Hill

(157)

Heavy metal scene catching on in ... Egypt?

(bellsouth)

"Dead zone" along Pacific Coast causing massive crab and fish die-offs. Is worse than initially thought. EVERYBODY PANIC

Pirates invade Peru, trading in black market alpacas

(27)

(Some High Voltage Guy)

Some of the coolest lightning pics you'll see today (maybe ever)

Sperm Donor ID #3066 please pick up the white courtesy phone

(106)

Apple releases the new Intel-based Mac Pro. Photoshop other unlikely combinations of technology

60 Iraqi terror suspects and a funeral

(21)

(The Charleston Gazette)

Man shows his marijuana-growing operation to a pair of uniformed policeman who showed up on his doorstep, explaining that it was just too expensive to buy

Man releases three pit bulls into neighborhood to "cause some excitement". Jailarity ensued, and that's only the beginning of his excitement

(188)

Written transcripts and audio exerpts from NORAD as the events of 9/11 unfold

(344)

(The True Citizen)

It's getting harder and harder to find reliable $5 hookers

Photoshop this flower

(66)

Bad: Man attacks cop. News: Man has Tomahawk. Fark: Two jolts of electricity shall be passed through his body

(some unique rabbit)

What's your claim to fame? LGN

(834)

All those new airline rules means everyone is buying private jets. Well, not everyone, just everyone better than you

(110)

Handicapped drug dealer gets drug money refunded after he claimed it would help him walk again

(17)

(Wikipedia)

As further evidence that people will make Wikipedia articles for anything, here's one on heavy metal in Muslim countries

(NZ Herald)

Parents having their kids pre-emptively fingerprinted by police to make them afraid to commit any crimes later because they'll be easier to catch

(97)

Declaration of bankruptcy forces the closure of all Krispy Kreme stores in Arizona

(145)

Fri August 11, 2006:

# of Comments

Airlines tell passengers that laptops, iPods and cell phones must go in checked luggage, not carry-on. Insurance companies then tell travellers not to even think of filing a claim if they're damaged there. Thus the circle of life is complete

(258)

(Flight International)

Firefighting aircraft hired to dump water instead dumps thousands of gallons of fuel on forest fire. Oops

(65)

10-year-old girl on vacation makes £3,500 by finding pile of whale puke at beach (pic)

Maricopa County's Sheriff Joe investigating radio show for encouraging arson and bestiality

(129)

Woman decides that, since she's always late for meetings, it was okay for her to throw away her speeding tickets... all 69 of them

Border police arrest Mexican smuggler with 88 pounds of cheese in hidden compartment after determining his story was full of holes

(58)

How to make a living as a "junket whore"

(61)

(Bay News 9)

Toxic levels of lead and arsenic causing neurological problems in residents of one Florida town. Okay, so that's one town's excuse

Injured eleven year old saves school bus from doom

(77)

Atlanta seeing growth spurt. Appears to be coming on backs of Katrina refugees

(100)

It wasn't as much the fact that he HAD to relieve himself as it was WHERE he chose to do it, and what transpired afterwards

"For many visitors to Indiana State Fair, the highlight is watching a cow give birth"

Israeli PM accepts cease fire deal

(316)

Infamous police chief becomes a druid. Funny, he doesn't look druish

(55)

Photoshop this girl and her car

Who would have guessed that sheriff deputies shouldn't perform lap dances with each other

The greatest attempted pick up in the history of man

(145)

Apparently a billion people now live in South Dakota, because according to this, that's how many are against the state's abortion ban

(354)

College students fear being attacked by the school's mascot

Snakes on a Plane...The flash game

(70)

(Courant)

Town shuts down 13-year-old's $5-a-month worm-selling business because the small cardboard sign on his lawn violated zoning laws

(144)

AudioEdit what you think a Fark comments thread would sound like

(13)

(WSLS Roanoke)

Truck driver runs over gator, takes it home to Virginia and proclaims "We're going to play with it tonight"

Mideast deal reportedly close, will try thinking about dead puppies and baseball to keep it going for a while

(99)

11 weirdest ancient mysteries

(313)

Largest Barbie collection is now for sale. Weyland Smithers unavailable for comment

Some guy you've probaly never heard of wins the World Series of Poker

(135)

(Metrowest Daily News)

"I pulled him over, and there were sex toys and pictures of himself in pantyhose, but there was no real crime, so I let him go and told him I didn’t want to see him again"

(92)

80 year old small town doctor with a quarter million office visits still practices in the office he opened 55 years ago, makes house calls, and hand writes bills

(118)

"Mysterious creature" killing dogs in unusual ways around lake in northern Manitoba. Your dog wants Leonard Nimoy to investigate

(105)

Heatwave to push up the price of beer and chips

Floridians angry that police aren't taking seriously complaints about a squirrel that has attacked seven people. I'm telling you, that squirrel's dynamite

(123)

Woman suing for $3 million over picture of her dead dogs used in a pet cremation company ad

Hong Kong opens up its first film festival dedicated solely to prostitutes

Fred, New York's crime-fighting undercover cat, uses up all nine lives trying to cross a street. Unless this is a planted story and Fred is going deep undercover with a new identity

Fewer U.S. high school students having sex, responding truthfully to anonymous polls

(158)

(The Local)

New weight-loss footpad that promises to "suck out fat like a vacuum sucks up dirt" has some people skeptical

FBI investigating American connections in "major East Coast cities" to London terror plot

(123)

Don ye goggles, ready the eye bleach, assemble your personal mind-cleansing arsenal: "Female" bus driver, 23, rapes 13-year-old boy

(493)

Russian who stole $5 million worth of artifacts from the Hermitage museum says it was to pay for his wife's insulin

(29)

Cops shoot peaceful protester with rubber bullets and then laugh heartily about it afterwards, on videotape

(1240)

Episode V: The Unicorn Strikes Back

(71)

Reminder, Maxim's offering a free Treo to the best SoaP poster. Come up with your own and win. (Sponsored link in conjuction with Maxim)

Where do famous animal performers like Cheetah go to retire?

Someone parked an unattended car with a musical instrument inside near L.A. city hall. EVERYBODY PANIC

(Some Aviation Guy)

Coolest photo you will see today: Rocket-assisted C-130 takeoff

(130)

(Delaware Online)

Fatal car accident caused by a bee

(101)

(Iranmania!)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma... Ahma... Ahmanattentionwhore demands U.S. change its imperial behaviour, promising that if it does, everything will be resolved

(225)

Woman's tree spouts water (with pics)

(151)

Giant sea turtle pulls man into Atlantic Ocean

(101)

Gigantic ancient pyramids discovered in Ukraine

(107)

Bush dares staff to join "100 Degree Club": Run three miles in triple-digit heat. "Asinine" tag asplodes like the motherfarkin' Death Star

(321)

(Some studley men)

Men of Mortuaries calendar comming in October. "Florida" tag on vacation in California (pic)

(31)

(Some Aircraft)

Photoshop this autogyro

The PC is 25 years old tomorrow

(218)

This new BMW concept looks like Russian concept Russo-Baltique impression (photos)

(89)

(Democrat & Chronicle)

Today's "fire station catches on fire" story is brought to you by Spencerport, New York

I thought candy cigarettes would a neat prize in "Sugar Smacks" until I found the "Hippy Sippy," a toy hypodermic syringe complete with sugar pills

Hotel manager wins right to be paid while he's sleeping

Hollywood, having solved all other problems, turns its attention to remaking "Conan the Barbarian"

(204)

Truck spills 20,000 pounds of ball bearings on Route 422

Federal judge rules that it is illegal to receive classified national security information from an informant. That noise you heard was sphincters tightening up at the Washington Post and New York Times

(571)

Ever suspected commercials are a lot louder than the show you actually want to watch? Italy just proved it and is putting the hammer down on networks and advertisers

(169)

Idiot bank robber falls asleep after being told he was not getting any money. Jailarity insues

(25)

With Reuters photoshopping extra smoke into their picture, help their competitors keep up and touch up a recent news photo yourself

(97)

Customer's response to discovery of ten-year-old meat in shop: There's "just too much 'hysteria' around sell-by dates"

(93)

Canadian researchers seeking "hard-core" repeat drunk drivers for study. In other news, citizens of Montreal are kindly warned to stay the hell off the road that day

British fear Thursday's terror arrests could mean the end of hand luggage aboard planes. Alabama residents barred from boarding Greyhounds with live chickens as carry-on baggage nod in empathy

(247)

Fearing you'll lose your boyfriend while recuperating from surgery, do you: A) Play upon his sympathy? B) Have doctors give your scars sexy dressings? Or C) Arrange for your 15-year-old daughter to have sex with him for a couple months?

(268)

Left-handed men see better paychecks, still can't get these damned scissors to work

(149)

Teens warned against smoking heroin despite the fact that it grows naturally in the earth and needs just a little preparation before people can appreciate earth's gift to man, blahblahblah

(201)

When Debbie Phillips tried to report a crime, police just snickered. "I told him that someone came into my house and cleaned"

(25)

"Turning now to Leviticus and... son, for the love of Christ, please put your pants back on"

(37)

Top 10 coolest concept cars

(114)

Thu August 10, 2006:

# of Comments

(Candy Addict)

Top 10 grossest candies

(181)

Full-size downloadable "Star Trek" inspirational posters. "Logic: It's not as prevalent as you wish it were"

(113)

Baby with rare Cyclops gene mutation still alive after record-setting 11 days. Sonic the Hedgehog wanted for questioning

(299)

Lobster caught with pilfered wallet still in its grips, claims it was only trying to feed his family and keep them off the Red Lobster menu

Photoshop this smoking mountain

Not allowed to carry on liquids due to new rules, AP finds a Russian passenger shotgunning his entire bottle of champagne before getting on a flight in San Francisco (pic)

(297)

British politician suggests "inbreeding" might be behind dramatic rise of diabetes among his constituents

The story of how one cigarette butt sent three people to the hospital and led to four arrests

Robot shopping carts that follow you around. In related news, Sarah Connor begins fasting

(KXTV)

What to do with county tax dollars: A) Beef up police protection? B) Improve school facilities? Or C) Commission artwork at a dump?

(31)

When selling your truck, be sure to clean it out, including the rotting baby corpse in a box

(159)

Today's "crime committed within five feet of law enforcement" story brought to you by Arlington, Virginia

Actual headline: "TV watchers watch TV." Obvious tag gets up and leaves

(60)

The terrorists were going to hide the liquid explosive in a Gatorade bottle with a false bottom and set it off with the flash from a disposable camera. What, does the Middle East get repeats of Mr. Wizard now?

(472)

Highly-evolved Americans lag behind world in acceptance of evolution

(924)

Refugees in Houston making great strides at becoming productive members of society. Sudanese refugees, that is

If you can't understand how simple household items can be used to make bombs, Reuters gives some pretty detailed explanations

(152)

(Courier-Journal)

Ohio River octopus mystery solved: Student says he put it in river after film project. "I guess we didn’t think about the interest this would cause"

Most comprehensive record of Antarctic snowfall ever covering last 50 years fails to find even the slightest shred of proof that global warming is occurring

(458)

Ohio minister and wife busted on kiddie porn charges

(212)

Not news: Man voluntarily gives up weed to cops at traffic stop. News: He comes to the police station later to surrender two more bags. Fark.com: He blows a 0.25 and is arrested for public intoxication

(TIE)

British police hunting clumsy beer thief who fell on a bottle while running out of the store. Unfortunately, the description is "a man wearing a jacket soaked with blood and lager," which doesn't narrow it down much

(WGAL)

Items you can recycle: Aluminum cans, newspapers, cardboard boxes. Items you can't recycle: Dead animals, live ammunition

"Batman" busted for trying to create master colony to destroy all mosquitoes in Florida

Police arrest what must be a very, very lonely man who would make 900 phone calls to the telephone operator a day to hear her voice

(91)

Louis the Goat coronated as the new King of Ireland

When a man is robbed of a gallon of milk outside a grocery store by five fat girls who began "pelting him with a flurry of chubby fists," you know The Smoking Gun will be there

(232)

Ugly-ass baby golden lion tamarin born at Philadelphia Zoo (slideshow)

Inappropriate email found on 74 percent of IRS employees' computers

(76)

(Chattanoogan)

What's worse than being caught hunting without a license in Tennessee? Getting caught when you're the assistant chief of enforcement for the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission

No need to panic, but the government has quietly extended bird flu monitoring across the entire country. Okay, maybe you can panic a little

Among those who have sent get well cards to Fidel Castro wishing him a speedy recovery is Elian Gonzalez

(108)

(Foobies)

The boobies moved over to foobies.com

(312)

(24Dash)

Authorities "puzzled" at how 15-foot hole opened up in middle of road and swallowed a car. Bonus: Pic of how the accident "could" have looked

Edgar the Garden Gnome back home in Missouri after two-month western road trip, complete with photographic evidence

Inside peek at Dell’s new product-less, nothing-for-sale-here “stores”

(136)

(Greenville Online)

Step 1: Give a note to a bank teller demanding $50,000. Step 3: Flee. This guy forgot Step 2: Collect the money

Photoshop these swingers

(Willamette Weekly)

Scooters with two-stroke engines pollute more than an SUV, ya damn hippie

(222)

(YesButNoButYes)

Ten creepiest icons in advertising history

(341)

(KnoxNews)

After sealing pot in a gas can, do NOT use a torch to open the can back up

PETA wants officer punished for cruelty to a dead animal

(144)

Just in case you thought you had it all figured out, oil prices drop as result of terror plot

Man fathered 37 children and now begs for sterilization

(42)

Rare medical condition causes woman to smell like a hot closet full of grouper. "It can fill an entire room. Recently, it filled an auditorium," she explains

(169)

VideoEdit a Fark-themed "Adult Swim" bump. Due today

(47)

Family sues after cemetary paves road over burial plots purchased in 1964

(77)

(WYFF4.com)

County election officials "Congratulations, you've won the election." Four hours later: "Just kidding, actually you came in third"

(36)

Man helps catch store robber, then 12 minutes later decides to rob it himself

(28)

Nearly four decades after bringing images of moon-walking astronauts to televisions around the globe, NASA loses the original tapes

(242)

The coming demise of the Y chromosome could lead to a new human species entirely. You'll have my Y chromosome when you pry it from my cold dead hands

(200)

Walking windpowered... things. Freaky things that would give David Lynch nightmares

(116)

(wsbtv.com)

Naked man tasered by police in Duluth, Georgia. Or as Fark calls it: "Thursday"

(34)

(Albany Times Union)

Woman claims hospital violated her right to religious expression when they fired her for refusing to remove her lip ring

(417)

The lap dance is always better when the stripper is suing

(77)

(Oh Gizmo!)

The Time Fountain won't turn back time, but it looks pretty damn cool

(Physorg.com)

Cambridge researchers find a way to grow carbon nanotubes so that they can be integrated into current processors. That's right, pretty soon the Internet is going to be a series of tubes

Congratulations, trans-Atlantic travellers -- you will not be blown out of the sky today

(1990)

Heinz has created a special website allowing consumers to create their own ketchup-bottle labels. Photoshop Fark ketchup-bottle labels

(128)

National Zoo anticipates arrival of endangered snow leopard. Early reports anticipate creature to be "ugly ass"

(WtoCtv.com)

Speeding car plows through art gallery wall. Before you make the "Put a rope around it, it's art" joke, save it. The owner already made it (with photos)

"I’m sure Suri is different. Maybe a tiny sun emanates light from inside her head, filling all who see her with a sense of joy, and an overwhelming craving for tasty, delicious nachos"

(74)

(WPRI)

One-bedroom apartment, third-story walk up, move-in bonus is free alligator

(16)

Coroner caught using the same cut-and-paste autopsy report on hundreds of dead bodies after identifying "normal prostate gland and testes" on girl's body

(WPTZ)

Nothing excites men like a good cat fight, especially when one of the girls has hidden razor blades in her hair

Pilot flying out of Cancun, Mexico forced to make emergency landing when 295 passengers experience floating back teeth, simultaneous turtleheads

(92)

Drunk guy spots a goat while staggering home, kidnaps it, then steals a Volvo. It gets pretty weird after that

Resort hotels of the future

Wed August 09, 2006:

# of Comments

Rapper Jay-Z teams up with United Nations to bring attention to water shortages around the globe. His original offer to ship cases of Cristal to drought areas unfortunately turned down by Secretary-General

(Sweet Zombie Jesus)

Make your own Bender costume. Or get a life, one or the other

(137)

Yet another idiot caught after robbing store because he forgot to fill up his truck's gas tank

(15)

Nothing to start out your big day like finding out some practical joker has cancelled the reservation for your reception. Someone wasn't happy about not being invited

(nbc11.com)

$50,000 worth of trash cans disappear from Oakland

You want a burger? Here's how long you have to work to get it

(80)

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest, No. 66: "Photographing photographers." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post

(212)

(officer.com)

Apparently, it's possible to steal a parking lot

Statue of Liberty tourist platform closed amid fears of visitor safety during evacuation

Toll Brothers report biggest glut of housing in 40 years. Did anyone else hear that popping sound?

(144)

(KARE 11)

For once, a guy attacking people in the city with a sword is the good guy

(141)

Victim shot dead by police officer in clothing store named Man Alive

Man tries to beat speeding ticket by blowing up traffic camera with explosives. Didn't work

(Political Gateway)

Virgin Galactic five years from first commercial space flights. Virginity expected to be lost to first members of 87 Mile High Club

(29)

(BMJ)

Twelve percent of British teens who use condoms use them "incorrectly." I blame Howie Mandel

Nine-bladed scissors

(Marion Chronicle Tribune)

Group apologizes for taking three years' worth of Taco Bell sauces

(80)

Global warming sign, No. 3,466,432: Swordfish caught off coast of England

(35)

Hooker takes client to court over unpaid $1,400 bill

(42)

Tonight on Mythbusters: Adam and Jamie to try to figure out the theory behind the chaos when diet cola and Mentos mix

(117)

Theme: Stupid monuments

(Monsters and Critics)

Colombo to hold probe on killing of 17 aid workers. Will question suspects, pretend to leave, then come back saying, "Just one more thing..."

Kentucky mayor refuses to cut his lawn; tells people who volunteer to cut it to get the hell off of it

Oklahoma man arrested for moonshining. Yes, he's wearing overalls in the mug shot. And The Smoking Gun is there

(105)

Bill Gates donates $500,000,000 to fight viruses. No not that kind, the other one

(181)

Apparently out of things to legislate, Massachusetts town wants to ban lawnmower use on Sunday mornings

Thieves in California steal six U-Haul trucks for an impromptu game of desert demolition derby

(Slashfood)

Group of consumers sue grocery stores to force inclusion of lactose warnings on milk cartons. Will follow with peanut-oil warnings on peanuts, dihydrogen oxide labels on water

(152)

"Five die trying to save pigeon" (actual headline)

(108)

How British Petroleum ignored and covered up warnings of corrosion in their pipeline in order to reap maximum profits

(193)

Remember the sculptor who made the statue of Britney Spears on the bearskin rug? He's at it again -- this time with a bust of Hillary Clinton

(165)

New tourism slogan: Visit Indiana state parks -- and catch an octopus

(27)

Naked U.S. tourist amok in Swiss town may have been high on mushrooms

Five reasons why the Sony Mylo is doomed to failure

(199)

Four Iraqis arrested in journalist Jill Carroll's kidnapping

Remember to rip the correct machine off the wall at the bank if you intend to get any money

(20)

In the continued wussification of America's youth, scores are no longer kept in sports

(427)

(PC World)

Nonprofit group, after having its domain sigcat.org hijacked by a porn site, starts afresh with a new, clean domain: dvda.org

(110)

Swiss bank locks 85-year-old woman in its vault for four hours, but that's all they can say since she's in a numbered account

(News-Press)

Atlantis crew members practice in preparation for launch. "Once more with feeling... Oh dear God, this is it, we're going to die. Aaaaaaargh! It burns!"

(171)

(PrankMike.com)

Followup to yesterday's office prank: Mike's reaction to his new office

(106)

One of 11 missing Egyptian students arrested in Minneapolis, don'tcha know

(246)

(NOLA.com)

New Orleans police deny man's request to shoot him dead, citing a city ordinance making it only legal to shoot people against their will

Thirty percent of Americans don't remember what year the 9/11 attacks occurred

(437)

(nbc5i.com)

Robber: "Give me your money." Man: "Okay, just reach over here for the money, no, not there, here, beside the camera." Robber: "Okay. Here?" Man: "Yeah, that's perfect"

British government staff disciplined for jumping naked from cupboards and vomiting in cups

Space physicist James Van Allen departs for final frontier

(65)

City's computer network crash traced to porn-surfing firefighters (with video)

Wigmaker creates hairpieces for canines. Your dog wants dignity

(24)

"Dear teacher: Please excuse Timmy for being an idiot. It's the cat's fault"

(Peoria Journal-Star)

How not to run an auto-repair scam: 1) Ask for more money than your mark has. 2) Target the same person twice. 3) Give them your name and contact information so they can reach you tomorrow

(18)

Seattle judge disciplined after twice ordering a "Go Seahawks" cheer before a manslaugher sentencing

Christian school suing the University of California because it says that classes that teach intelligent design do not meet their standards for academic content

(851)

Sturgeon: 1. Jet skier: 0

(89)

Farker's dad just turned 60 -- 12,000 km away. Let's invite a few friends to the party

(Daily Mail)

Staph infections aren't the only thing you have to worry about catching at the hospital -- now, you can get Legionnaires' disease from a dirty hospital shower head

(Daily Mail)

Things that go bad together, No. 456: A drunken pigeon fancier and a cat-loving neighbor

Britain may have to "modify" its freedoms to deal with terrorists using and abusing them. Scary British dystopia trifetica in play

(333)

Bad police sketch has cops searching for Russell Crowe

(61)

Many examples of photo fraud during the current Lebanon crisis by Reuters and other news agencies. It's not news, it's Hezbollah propaganda

(611)

Gas station owner claims state won't let him lower prices. Says he'd be satisfied lighting cigar with mere $50 bill rather than $100

(180)

Okay, who ordered the partly naked, mud-mired and intoxicated woman?

(149)

Man arrested for wearing his T-shirt over his face

(95)

(Some Aviation Guy)

Coolest photo you will see today: Rising-sun-illuminated 757 against a full moon

(441)

The top five college fight songs

(522)

Survey finds "modern men" are beginning to reject Beckham metrosexual look in favor of Wayne Rooney "just got out of bed and couldn't find my comb, if you don't like it, I'll squash your testicles into raisins" look

(434)

(The TreeHouse Company)

Incredible treehouse construction: For the secret members of G.R.O.S.S., only a time machine could be better

(92)

Twelve-year-old steals the car keys, eight-year-old uses them, two-year-old gets in the way. Because it's Florida, she drove it into the house for good measure

Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up Pull up

(166)

If you get mauled by your illegal pet Siberian tiger, you can't sue the city

Strange holes are found in the ground in Russia

(Elian Gonzalez)

Photoshop what Castro is actually doing right now. LGT GIS

Motorcyclists take time out from busy schedule of toy drives and charity rides to try to shoot each other to death in South Dakota state park. If you can imagine such an anomaly

(78)

Man goes out with a bang after trying to open a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer

(80)

Stock up folks, Alberta's running out of booze

(58)

Britain plans to heavily tax homeowners who produce what it considers "too much" garbage

(123)

If you give the "V for victory" hand sign to an English crowd, it's really, really important that your palm faces the audience. Just ask this idiot (pic)

(216)

Door falls off a Brazilian aircraft in flight. That's a lot of falling doors

(71)

Woman wakes up with a new tattoo. "I mean it's not like he beat me up. There were no bruises or blood or anything. I'm just not going to see him again"

(117)

Two commandments that Hitler added to his rewrite of the Bible: "Honor your Fuhrer and master" and "Keep the blood pure and your honor holy"

(227)

Theme: Hallmark's new line of Monty Python greeting cards

Tue August 08, 2006:

# of Comments

Lieberman overcomes odds, becomes one of only four incumbents to lose party's nomination in 26 years

(655)

(NBC5)

Jesus makes triumphant return to earth on the tail of a Bay Area man's shrimp. He is risen, breaded and deep-fried to a golden brown

(145)

Man loses license after police catch him swerving while driving his car. Is that really fair, though? I mean, they didn't even cite the woman who was having sex with him at the time

Woman in Minnesota could lose her professional license because she had sex with her husband

(114)

Angry Chinese store owner paints hand-written sign on building to remind drunken bums of public urination standards

A pair of ugly-ass lynxes born in Colorado

Dennis Miller to join Fox News this fall. This makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam

(321)

(NBC 11)

U.S. man arrested after Customs officers discover him trying to smuggle illegal immigrants into country by sewing them into vehicle seats. With photos of immigrants sewn into vehicle seats

(78)

(PrankMike.com)

Three rolls of tape: $10. Lots of cardboard boxes: Free. Pranking the office "Prank King?": Priceless

(175)

(WCAX)

Today's "buffalo heifer teacher running off with a 14-year-old dorky student" story brought to you by New Hampshire (with pic goodness)

(128)

Mumbling caller triggers bomb scare in Germany

(28)

Dickies announces new line of work pants that will eliminate plumber's crack as we know it

(61)

The 10 best and worst sci-fi TV show openings

(313)

Why must you vex me with your price tag, Arcade in a Box?

(Irish Post)

Elderly couple win free vacation anywhere in the world, decide to spend it in Birmingham, UK hotel where they first honeymooned in 1952

(Fast Food News)

A McDonald's employee has some McRules for you

(496)

Ric Romero goes to work for CNN, discovers new trend of extreme body piercings/modification

(160)

Mistrial in kidnapping case declared after defense lawyer blew a .075 BAC in court. Judge suspected inebriation after the lawyer claimed the Jews were the real kidnappers

(Some Guy Named Chumley)

Today's "truckload of penguins overturns on highway" story brought to you by Marshall, Texas. Initial reports indicate they blew a seal

(125)

The Fed lets the housing bubble live for another day

(207)

Elderly woman accused of shooting stray cats in her mobile-home park. “I thought maybe if people thought I was mean enough they might leave me alone"

(LGT goiters)

Iron Photoshop: A club, a baby and a seal

(NBC 4 Los Angeles)

California woman loses 145 pounds and donates 50 pounds of her skin to help hernia patients, women who need breast reconstruction, pork-rind development

(130)

(mg.co.za)

Woman falls through floor of house while having sex

(136)

Ralph Lauren store unveils technology where you can buy his overpriced crap by tapping on the window. Of course on the positive side, guys no longer have to physically enter stores to buy clothes

(35)

(Some Oil Guy)

For those who think "Big oil" profits are too high: "Big oil" spends more on finding additional supplies than it generates in profits

(407)

Stupid: Lighting a turtle on fire and dancing around it in costumes. Moronic: Videotaping it. Fark: Emailing it to the police

(115)

(KGW)

Teen caught speeding 129 mph claims he was "looking for wallet"

Family Circle to stop publishing after 42 years. "Not Me," "Nobody" and "Ida Know" deny responsibility for pulling the plug

(226)

Porn stars get green light for "Boobs on Bikes" parade in New Zealand

(WSMV Nashville)

Police still not sure what went on, but as soon as the refrigerator thaws out and they can remove the body, they'll probably have a better clue

(56)

Farmer, 88, becomes father of baby boy, has sex daily and wants more kids. "I do it daily and the best time for intercourse is between 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m."

(97)

Thai government bans sales of a condom brand because name might cause more teens to have sex. Super Adventure Club distraught

Ugly-ass baby twin pandas born in China (with pic)

(CBS46)

Entire 20-person class of police recruits dismissed for cheating. Cheating, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo... what the hell's got into you, Frank?

(104)

Add "no flinging into another person's chest" to the list of things you shouldn't do with scissors

Weatherman drops the dew point from his forecast because viewers don't care. Next to go: Weathermen

(197)

Drunken man withdraws $17,000 from bank account, starts giving it out to strangers on the street

New Alzheimer's drug has interesting side effect -- when combined with atropine, offers immunity from nerve gases such as sarin and soman

(Times of India)

Indian court rules marriage without sex amounts to cruelty to women

(203)

New law in California would make it a crime to tie up your dog for longer than three hours in any 24-hour period. Your dog doesn't want stake

(158)

"I started punching the otter in the face which I felt really bad about because it's cute"

(165)

Supermarkets tend to frown on those who squeeze the tomatoes, the melons, the customers

In an effort to out-do Orlando, Indianapolis racks up 13 murders in a week

No longer content with traveling to foreign lands, meeting interesting people, and killing them, the U.S. Army wants to open a theme park

(116)

(nola.com)

If you're a professional criminal, it's just as bad to pause for Internet porn as it is if you have an office job

(52)

(Some Boogerface)

Farker Deiterlee is having a birthday today. Show him some photoshop love

Some sperm donation clinics invite men to leave a message behind for their unborn child to hear when they are 18

(189)

AirTran expands Detroit-Florida routes; or as Floridians call them, "humanitarian airlifts"

(47)

The coolest picture of a ceramic cow wearing rain boots, a bright orange blazer and red helmet that you'll see today... probably

Martha Stewart, guiltier than a fox with a mouth full of feathers, is banned from being a company director for five years

"Within a day, Colbert's report had hit some of the Net's geek nerve centres, Slashdot.org and Fark.com"

(293)

(Ynetnews.com)

Israeli soldiers want to freeze sperm before entering Lebanon

(98)

Robot garage shuts down and holds parked cars hostage after city's software license runs out

(127)

(NBC5)

Chicago police critically wound 13-year-old boy outside Cabrini Green projects after boy points chrome gun at them. Difficulty: The boy's dad is a high-ranking gang member. Bonus: Boy's family says it was a BB gun

(680)

It's the first day of school and already someone gets arrested for weapons

University of Missouri decides to require professors get a criminal background check just like the janitors, cafeteria workers and bus drivers do. And naturally, this is only an invasion of privacy when the professors have to do it

(183)

New ranking of colleges by "service to society": MIT is No. 1, UC Berkeley No. 2 and Penn State No. 3

(136)

Theme: The last photoshop contest ever

(138)

Illinois prison actually rehabilitating inmates. Gee whiz, who'da thunk it? Hey, what if we did things that way normally?

(209)

Police dispatchers note that only a third of 911 calls are actually emergencies. The rest? Reports about tumbleweeds on the highways, lost keys, crying babies, vampires and complaints about wrong orders at the drive-through

(105)

No. 10 on the Top 10 Most Bizarre Celebrities List is our old pal Henry Earl, who was made famous "by the admin of www.messedup.net, Heywood Jablomey"

Tiny 16-year-old blonde with big breasts who has a show on MTV about recording an album says she's "more than teen pop" (pic)

(259)

(Some Balding Fapper)

More and more men in their early 40s have never married -- and don't see any reason to, seeing as they've got their baseball caps and action figures just so

(486)

Church wants an ATM. The collection plates won't fill themselves you know

(141)

(haha.nu)

How to make cool shadows on the wall

Fark mysteriously not mentioned for national exposure of cleavage ban

Top 10 video/computer games that teach you something. Surprisingly, Leisure Suit Larry series not on the list

(215)

(WSAV)

81-year-old man carjacked by 14-year-old girl

(56)

(Airliners.net)

The coolest picture of wake turbulance you will see today

(82)

Photoshop a girl beating the heat

(Scranton Times-Tribune)

More than you wanted to know about how road kill is dealt with. Bring lye, and yes, those little evergreen trees for the rear view mirror

Finally an alternative to selling your plasma or waitressing your way through college: disposing of sarin gas

(34)

All parents try to light a fire under their children, however, most don't resort to gasoline

Huge number of customers dumping companies they do business with because they use automated attendant phone systems that take an average of six minutes and 24 seconds to connect with a human who can actually help

(109)

Lawnmowers injure more than 10,000 people under age of 20 each year, proving when you're told to get off the damn lawn, you get off the damn lawn

(47)

(Pioneer Press)

Ferocious deadly family of meerkats euthanized after 9yr old climbs ropes, fake rocks and plexiglass at a zoo to stick her hand in. Parents refuse rabies shots and parental responsibility

(306)

Caption this stuck man

BP makes billions in profits, but can't invest in maintaining its pipelines. Now we're going to pay more for gas, which will lead to more billion dollar profits. Awesome

(194)

(strategypage.com)

F-14 Tomcat makes its' final catapult launch from the USS Teddy Roosevelt. One of the most beautiful planes ever made flies off into the sunset

(241)

(Lightning Bolt)

Lightning is hotter than the surface of the sun, so THIS is the hottest pic you'll see today

(100)

Global warming might be causing the Swiss Alps to crumble like so much Gruyere

(104)

Mon August 07, 2006:

# of Comments

Not to make you evacuate your bowels or anything, but the FBI wants to locate 11 Egyptian exchange students who arrived in the U.S. last month, then disappeared

(219)

AudioEdit a radio commercial for a new Floyd Landis energy drink

(9)

(Metblogs)

25 Greatest Fictional Los Angeles Residents

(142)

Cricket commentator is sent back to pavillion after referring to muslim batsman on air ... "the terrorist has got another wicket"

Start-up myths and other delusions

(85)

(Korea Times)

Korean scientists create magical substance that efficiently converts crude oil to gasoline. Reggie White unavailable for comment

Colorado voters could be deciding on whether to legalize marijuana statewide this November. "Spliffy" tag unavailable

(255)

Today's "300 cats in one house" story brought to you from Kentucky, except it happened in Texas. And the cats were pit bulls

(66)

(Some Czech Guy)

Cool dad drives tank through town to buy ice cream for his kids

(Angola Press)

Ugandan court to try wife for biting off husband`s penis

The world's craziest statues

(93)

Photoshop the super secret console used to administer Fark

Man faces charges in stabbings over soap; Suspect could face more problems in prison with issue of dropping soap

(42)

Orlando ties 1982 homicide record

(106)

Hundreds of thousands of caterpillars descend down upon...this guy's bike. (With photos.)

(205)

U.S. death penalty may be history, not because of political reform but because doctors are increasingly refusing to perform it

(578)

(KTVQ)

My van's broke down, I'm naked and bloody as hell, just had a dip in the spa and killed a parrot. And now all I wanna do is bash up some peoples with my rake

It's so damn hot, even the Inuit are buying air conditioners

(122)

(WOI-TV)

Somehow Castro was able to stay alive long enough to take his 1952 Chevy for a 100 mph joyride and crash it into a daycare in Iowa

Perhaps the only people watching Cuba for signs of Castro's health closer than the State Department are American cigar smokers

That "culture war" that talk-show hosts keep ranting about -- the one involving abortion, gay marriage and stem-cell research -- well, not really that much of a war after all, says comprehensive new poll

(217)

The finer points of wrestling a bear: "Don't pull her hair, that makes her mad"

Death toll in Lebanon gives a new meaning for 40 to one

(421)

Deaddoginafreezer leadstoknowledgeof Germancompoundwords

(122)

(News Medical)

In addition to shopping carts and lawn mowers, also keep your kids off of escalators, cover them in foam and never let them go outside. Your-kids-are-gonna-die trifecta complete

(101)

When committing arson, make sure your health insurance is up to date. Incendialarity ensues

You can’t buy a vibrating ring in eight states because it is designed to stimulate genitalia

(290)

(Consumerist.com)

AOL releases web searches of 500,000 of its users. Confirms only 12-year-olds, pervs and pedophiles use AOL

(405)

London called "a filthy, lawless and expensive place to live." Don't look for that slogan on the tourism brochures any time soon

(142)

Because one Florida possum story a day just isn't enough. Your future governor wants possum

Don't put your kids in a shopping cart or they'll get injured or die. Cover them in foam and never let them go outside

(262)

(CBS11)

Back in my day, we didn't shoot young girls in the ass at our back-to-school parties

Preacher comes on campus, calls students "whores" and "fags" before being awarded $33,000, because the university only let him preach for five days

(427)

Nashville has new non-native species migrating to it. In related news, thousands of wanna-be country music singers trying to figure out how to rhyme "armadillo"

(Duncan Bremer)

Not surprisingly, political candidate was misquoted for maximum damage by news organizations who said his solution to the Middle East conflict was to have jihadists convert to Christianity

(326)

Most first dates consist of dinner and movie and don't involve jetskis and getting stranded in mangroves

(WGME)

Restaurant owner plans to have a contest to come up with the best name for a recently decapitated chicken statue

(Alaska Superstation)

Woman pulls gun on boss and shoots after he suggests she needs a mental evaluation

(73)

This Strong Bad email brought to you by Smarmy Cafe

(Some chinaman)

Photoshop this amazing Chinese rice paddy

Farkers, create a "Snakes on a Motherfarkin' Plane" poster and win a Treo (sponsored link in conjunction with Maxim)

Why women are to blame for wanting to look like bags of antlers

(552)

(King5)

Officers recover stolen doughnut delivery vehicle. Glazed criminal feels the bear claws of justice

(News Observer)

Research shows that teens who watch pro wrestling are more prone to violence. But don't tell them that, or you'll get the Iron Claw

(121)

California beermaker who created He'brew, Miraculous Jewbilation and Genesis Ale has come up with new brew commemorating late comedian Lenny Bruce. Oy vey

(58)

(WNBC)

Oh, the huge manatee. In NYC. Whee

Teens who listen to raunchy music on their iPods start having sex earlier. EVERYBODY PANIC

(262)

Floyd Landis finally gets around to claiming it's a conspiracy by the cycling groups to bust him

(175)

SUVs from Canada turning up in Cambodia. First steps for new owners: Detailing to remove odor of doughnuts and back bacon, disconnecting daytime running lights

Herald-Trib's tips for saving gas: Cruise through stop signs at 10 mph, drive at 85 mph the rest of the time but don't speed

(74)

(Florida Today)

Normal traffic report: Traffic jams, accidents. Florida traffic report: Possums

"Miracle Mile" scores again with another multi-million-dollar lotto winner. Apparently, your odds of buying a winning ticket in Fond Du Lac, WI are strangely higher than anywhere else

(66)

(M.E.N)

Installing solar-powered lights in city that is dull and rainy most of the year is no bright idea

Having nothing else to report on, Chicago Sun-Times tackles the probing question: How do you fit the jumbo Heinz bottle in the refrigerator door?

(NY Daily News)

Caring corporation tells woman she can take as much time off as needed after lone surviving family member dies of a heart attack at 33. Nah, just kidding, they fired her for not grieving fast enough

(238)

(The Age)

Australia taking Bollywood dance classes as substitute for aerobics. "For a largely white, middleclass, congenitally stiff audience, this is challenging"

(30)

Bar in China lets customers beat up staff. Still no cure for stress

(34)

(Derby Telegraph)

Traffic warden caught putting false ticket on his own car so he could park illegally

Manmade islands near Dubai near completion. Their hopes are that many tourist come and "do-buy" many things

Photoshop this Idol

DNA sampling reveals restaurant fish is a lot of things, but it's usually not what the menu says

(226)

Rare blue butterflies decide 40 years is an awfully long time to spend away from home (with pic)