Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-04-02 23:59:59'

Morely Safer becomes '60 Minutes' senior reporter. Lesserly Dangerouser passed over for the job, again

(Flickr)

Photoshop this "tank crossing" sign

(97)

Students at an all-girls Catholic high school furious when student from all-boys Catholic high school airs video of them signing petition to end womens' suffrage

(Spammity Spam)

"Spamarama" .. A yearly festival for Spam, that semi-meat. Unfortunately, not an April Fool's joke

(31)

"When Prince starts making records Tipper Gore would approve of you know the man has jumped the shark"

Florida high school marching band forbidden from taking part in English festival because school officials say London is too dangerous

Iconic Key West restaurant may be forced to close after rich newcomers complain about noise, smell of bacon in the air

Restaurant lets you smash dishes if you're mad. If you've got lots of money, you can smash a TV

Alcatel merges with Lucent. Will be based in Paris. Nicole unavailable for comment

Depression up 40%, alcoholism up 75% at the North Pole as "Toy makers struggle to attract girls"

The hazards of office dating

(91)

Industrious teenager offering to change every digital clock in customer's home or car for $10

No Hooker zones in family neighborhoods are causing mass hooker migrations to other neighborhoods in Charlotte

(Deccan Herald)

It's a sad commentary on the state of public education when schools are still discriminating against leopards

Canada's version of drug war: student gets suspended from school for refusing to take drugs

(127)

(Daily Mail)

Researchers make experimental breakthrough that could keep millions from dyeing

(Hampton Roads)

Small churches across the US are buying Terrorism Insurance because "the religious xenophobia of Islamic terrorists is reason to worry"

Photoshop theme: If there were a separate heaven for women, what would it be like?

(136)

Scientists announce that you will soon be able to enjoy a bowl of unnaturally high-fiber Cap'n Crunch

Jerry Garcia's salmon colored toilet stolen. Police examining skid marks left at the scene

Introducing the Brassiere of Tomorrow, cups on the cusp of technology Bras that light up. Optional on-off can be a switch or a knob

(IHT)

Easter Island, the place farther on earth from any other place, to offer triple-bonus comp points for long-term action on dollar slots

Iran successfully tests supercavitating torpedo. U.S. Navy seen crapping its pants

(310)

Explosion at a Tim Horton's in Toronto kills one

(185)

Tenneessee emergency management agency hires incarcerated felon to run purchasing. What could possibly go wrong?

(24)

Every year voters in Brookline, Massachusetts authorize appointment of official Measurers of Wood and Bark

Student leaving school after being told to cut his damn hair, get a real job

(192)

"But I'm convinced we'll demonstrate in the not-too-distant future the actual physical harm that pornography causes"

(295)

(Ha'aretz)

Iran to respond to U.S. strike with global terror

(679)

Another story about nudists and venemous spiders. And an explosion

Scandinavia's first baby gorilla born in Sweden. With ugly-ass pic. No, really, it is ugly-ass

The next big spectator sport, according to ESPN? Dominoes

A brief history of daylight savings time for anyone bored to tears

Theme: Sport stars make a living in the real world

Imagine the tallest 25 buildings in the world all in one skyline

(103)

U.S. troops adopt cutting-edge Popemobile technology to save lives. Jealous Batman wonders where he gets those wonderful toys

(Some Redneck Teacher)

If the "Diversity" Club can fly a gay pride flag, then why can't the "Traditional Values" Club fly a Christian flag? Besides, that's a "T" not a cross

(911)

(Some Boilermaker)

Purdue University defends its national Rube Goldberg Machine Championship title. Hopes to complete trifecta with wins in the D&D World Series and Cult Movie Quote Bowl

(Yummy Taco Hell)

Site reviews the best tacos in Los Angeles. No word on taking the skin train to tuna town

(CTV News)

Canada's money to become even gayer

(136)

(EW)

Top Ten killer movie seductresses. With photo goodness

(114)

(Some mail man)

Photofhop thif knight of olde

Top 100 April Fool's Day hoaxes of all time

(NWI Times)

Woman attending anger management class threatens to kill a classmate, destroys property. Naomi Campbell unavailable for comment

Sat April 01, 2006:

# of Comments

Chris Farley's image to be used in advertising for drug and alcohol treatment, still a great motivational speaker

UCLA v. Florida for the National Championship on Monday

(141)

Gale Norton brags that U.S. gained wetlands for first time in fifty years under her tenure; fails to mention she changed definition of "wetland" to include any old hole in the ground

(161)

(Some YTMND)

Right Now

(144)

Teacher resigns after putting a kid in a headlock and giving him a hickey

(42)

(Akron Beacon-Journal)

Girls, ages 16 and 17 arrested after wrapping boxes in gold marked with question marks trying to play real-world version of Super Mario Bros. Bowser unimpressed

(169)

(Tribune-Chronicle)

Man ticketed for reckless operation while riding in engineless van being towed by an ATV. Adding insult to injury, man also cited for seatbelt violation

(34)

If the Puking Pig took two of your fingers you'd want some scratch too

(38)

(myrtlebeachonline)

Do not let your dog lick the paper shredder

You know you job sucks when you look forward to Steven Seagull returning to beg for doughnuts

Photoshop Karl Malone at the unveiling of his statue at the Delta Center

(south bend tribune)

Woman who thought she was getting a great deal on a flat screen TV, finds out she actually bought an oven door instead

(News Inferno)

Surgeon helpfully explains how wrong side of child's skull was removed because the operating table was spun around

Golden hellos on the rise for CEOs. They get the hello and parachutes, you get the showers

(110)

Police clothes case, hamper undies thief

Newgrounds.com acquires I-Mockery.com to form "I-Grounds"

Swedish airline accuses critics of being "culturally illiterate" over smelly fish dish. Pot and kettle being trading blows

(Some Crybaby)

Photoshop Adam Morrison crying over something other than basketball. Duke sucks

(Some Imaginary Guy)

Teacher shortage may be helped by development of holographic substitute teachers

(62)

Indiana's clocks to spring forward thirty years. Resident looking forward to things like electricity, indoor plumving, literacy. (submitter is obviously from Indiana)

Apple's top 10 flip-flops

(217)

Negligent mother ordered by court to stop having sex

(137)

Animated tattoos are just what they sound like -- implanted images that actually move under the skin

Flag waving banned from Colarado school due to racial tensions

(123)

Video game evolution from 1980 vs. 2000. With screen shots

(180)

Not all books make good gifts for friends. "Adventures with an ice pick: a short history of lobotomy"

(NW Herald)

"Why not pay someone to grow your vegetables?"

George Clooney rallies celebrites to silence freedom of the press; recommends posting spam on offending websites to "render these guys useless"

As online dating matures, some of the first matched couples are splitting up. Turns out profiles don't always reveal all, do they, stumpy?

(91)

(Catholic.com)

Of all things the Vatican fears most, the worst is not our sins, but our mullets

Photoshop this very excited Tom Cruise

(95)

(Dallas Observer)

NBA star Dirk Nowitzki's demo tape leaks on the Internet (MP3 link at end of article)

Previously kidnapped Journalist Jill Carrol may be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, claims terrorists sponsored her for Totalfark

(152)

(The Local)

Stockholm streets to become ski slopes

(12)

Remember to change those clocks 1 hour forward at 2am

(newkerala.com)

The age old story: boy meets girl, boy falls in love, boy marries girl, girl steals boy's money to buy a Hong Kong brothel

(Hindustan Times)

Pet food is healthier than fast food. You want your dog's food

(PilotOnline.com)

Why April Fools is the way it is

(Jerusalem Post)

Iran test-fires radar-avoiding, multi-warhead missile. Claims it is to be used to generate electricity. Yeah, that's the ticket... electricity

(95)

Teenager sues restaraunt after drinking herself up to .238 and executing a perfect-10 faceplant in the parking lot

Angry old man, pissed off that his dadgum pickup truck had been towed fa crissakes, picks up his bangstick and wades through dang-blasted rush hour traffic to get it back, by gum. Get off my lawn

(25)

(Statesman.com)

Nothing says class like a Hooters Hotel. With reservation information

(Duke)

Duke University, one of the greatest places on Earth

(160)

Fark moderators, admins, and your loose-ass sister busy drinking with submitter's mom... Developing

(703)

Mormons planning to move to Saskatchewan to set up new polygamist society, hoping sodomite Canadians won't even notice, let alone care

(120)

(FFBooks)

Lamb rogan josh - favorite hot hot hot

Curry basics

Japanese veggie curry

(21)

(Frenzy)

Storm's favorite beef curry

Fri March 31, 2006:

# of Comments

(ThinkGeek)

Inspired by the alcohol inhaler, here's the caffiene inhaler

(82)

Rhyming photoshop ingredients: Two men, a hen and a pen

(32)

Signs you may be getting too large: Hospital forced to install floor-level lighting because your shadow prevents you from seeing the ground

(124)

World's hottest chili pepper is twice as hot as the hottest ever produced, would put you in hospital if you tried to eat it, and is grown in ... England?

(90)

Angry Howard Stern lashes out at ungrateful fans who don't want to pay to listen to him

(294)

(marketwatch.com)

NASDAQ and S&P 500 have best quarter in 7 years

(90)

Kosher cell phone unleashes flood of interest from Muslim countries - - Tasty

(Chronical of Higher Education)

Unacredited Christian College forbids looking into other students' eyes too long; "that's making eye babies". Optometry major not too popular

(244)

(Akron Beacon Journal)

County Department of Messing With Peoples' Heads decides to post a stop sign in the middle of a curve, not an intersection, to get drivers to slow down

(ksl.com)

Todays semi-trailer carrying 40,000 pounds of ammonium nitrate, 10,000 blasting caps and several hundred pounds of dynamite over turns on the freeway brought to you by Unitah County, UT

Woman protesting strip clubs in her neighborhood flashes an awful lot of cleavage while talking to reporters about it. With photo goodness

(97)

French winemakers lower their standards to compete against U.S. wines. Look for Le Chien Fou in a gas station near you

After former crack-addicted anchor who spent thousands of dollars on phone sex is turned down for an evangelical radio program, he reflects upon the errors of his past that made him unsuitable for that gig. Just joking: he's suing the station

(WZZM 13)

Robber stuffs woman inside ATM. Victim checks out okay, seems a little withdrawn

Chicago T-shirts showing Big Bird smoking pot and Ernie with a handgun "soil Sesame Street's image." Or give it an edgy cred, your call

Incinerator being used to burn 1.1 metric tonnes of seized cocaine asplodes, providing a belated but fitting tribute to the great Richard Pryor

U.S. enlists ninjas to fight Chinese pirates

(PinkNews)

Local government leader posts naked photo of himself on Web (safe for work)

(WGAL)

Jeffrey Doles wants his 130 bongs back. And he's hired a lawyer to get them

(156)

(canadaeast)

Man wishes to delay his tax trial so he can attend wife and stepdaughter's exorcism

(NBC)

Fake NBC PSAs from the cast of "The Office." The more you know...

(111)

"Zorbing," the act of rolling downhill inside inflatable ball, catching on worldwide. Bonus: Kiwi inventor openly cites socialized medicine as safety net for asinine activities

(AC-T)

S&M castration dungeon shut down in rural NC. Police chief astonished at the balls these guys had

(239)

"Sudden external impact" of unknown origin cripples Russian satellite. Kneel before Zod

(153)

Joey Buttafuoco ordered to stand trial on ammo charges, may face more time in Buttafuoco-MITA prison

Photoshop this farker and his friend Omar here in the U.S., thanks to the new "Adopt an Iraqi Sniper" program

(60)

Harry Caray rises from the dead, starts robbing banks. Holy cow

(Mirror)

If you have epilepsy and you are trying to impress your friends, taking 13 ecstasy pills is not the way to go

Theater execs fight against shortening time between suckitude hitting theaters and heading to DVD

(198)

(DecaturDaily)

Man flashes two teens in store, who promptly run away to find their mother, manager. When confronted, man produces badge, claims to be undercover officer and begins helping them search for himself. Why, yes, this did happen in a Wal-Mart

NASA executive nabbed when his network's "skin tone filtering system" determines he's been looking at, ahem, skin tones. TSG is, naturally, there

(183)

South Korea's new currency's anti-counterfeiting features are so effective, their official mint can't even print it right

Chevy hosts make-your-own-SUV-ad contest. Ads linking SUVs with Iraq war, world degradation ensue

(264)

Astronomers announce discovering a giant-ass cloud of space alcohol. All of a sudden, manned spaceflight starts looking feasible again

Today's image appearing on a food item: The State of Georgia on a nacho

It turns out taxpayers don't want to pay to watch gay sex in a park. Who knew?

(64)

Real headline: "Pot in the trunk: Always a bad idea"

Dodgeball game leads to assault charges for a youth minister. Authorites apparently frown on his "if you can dodge a wrench...." coaching technique

German woman calls police on hubby with an emergency: He won't stop watching porno even if she offers real thing

UNLV's Women Studies Department offering a series of workshops including "Sex Toys 101" and "Stripping for Everyone." Now that's a proper use of public funds

(LOCAL 6)

Man hits $227K slot jackpot, promptly walks out of casino before being paid

Lingerie shop gets burglared. Stolen intimate items include $200 mannequin

(22)

(NY Daily News)

New York Post caught dumping papers by the New York Daily News hours after being printed. Massive media slapfight to ensue

(38)

Fake email topples Japan opposition party. Must have fallen for the old' "I am a Nigerian businessman" letter

Kennel owner fined $2,600 for refusing to sell puppy to lesbian

(127)

(Rocky Mountain News)

Airport screeners nab 83-year-old woman with a bomb in her Depends

(161)

Researchers stunned to find kids who wear alcohol logos start drinking sooner. Also shocked to learn kids do drugs, have sex, breathe air

(Some Plumber)

Harvard to offer free tuition if household income is less than $60,000. Tell your boss you don't need that raise after all

(105)

Nine out of 10 women in Sheffield, England think casual sex is immoral. Going to ex-mine workers' all-male nude revue perfectly acceptable

College student whose "bike is a pipe bomb" to be reimbursed by college that destroyed it

Levee repair costs estimated at $10 billion. The real kicker is that the work will most likely not be completed by the next hurricane season

(Infowars)

Conspiracy nuts go to Venezuela to ask Hugo Chavez to investigate 9/11 attacks, creating a black hole of crazy that could engulf the entire western hemisphere

(759)

Quick quiz: Which entertainment industry is giving consumers more choice: A) Mainstream? B) Porn?

(Market Watch)

Corporate profits highest in 40 years. Productivity is up, too. Guess why. (Hint: The answer is in your two percent raise)

(176)

DeLay chief of staff Tony "the Fall Guy" Rudy pleads guilty in lobbyist corruption investigation

Allah the one and only god, creator of the universe, speaks to the faithful through a rooster

(82)

A horse that fetches beer. The Sun is there

When scoping out houses to rob, don't pick the one occupied by 20 sumo wrestlers

Cellphones, which were once said to cause cancer, then proven not to, do

Mexico won't use police to stop migrants. Captain Obvious shoots beer out his nose in a fit of laughter

(207)

(WIBC.com)

Not everybody thinks blowing up 700 tons of explosives in the Nevada desert is a fun alternative to the casino

Records show WWII Britain was more scared of schoolgirls with VD than Hitler

(WIBC.com)

Good news, NCAA basketball fans: Indiana governor not stupid enough to close bars an hour early for daylight savings during the Final Four

(23)

Doctor sued for making women's breast implants too big (pic)

Pictures of the Hollywood Hillbillies, Britney and K-Fed, posing with the midgets she hired for his birthday

(169)

Delphi's actions may spark UAW strike, which could bankrupt GM and crush the UAW. ACLU set to defend Nazi's right to burn down ACLU

(Some Tokyo Farker)

Final Reminder: Tokyo Fark Party, April 2nd, 5:00 p.m. at The Maple Leaf in Shibuya. All your beer are belong to us

(22)

(cmp_3)

Reminder: Boston Tomb and Booze Fark Party this Saturday night. LGTPT DIT

Congrats to the winners from the Fark Poker Tournament yesterday. Lil_Brudder1 ($1200), theedge1111 ($800), Sengdalos ($500), iHeartBlix ($300) and meekpanda ($200)

(Some Cowbell website)

Christopher Walken is 63 today -- let's all get him some more cowbell

(151)

Philly plumber's union has a problem with waterless urinals. It's not the question of sanity, but "fewer pipes means less work"

(159)

South Carolina repeats as champion of Tournament Nobody Cares About

Bad: You're a gang member playing crip killer music in the wrong neighborhood. Worse: You get shot by a military marksme. Fark.com: Your name is Dom Perignon Champagne

(130)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Convenience-store clerk in jail after customer finds urine content of store's soda a tad too high

NYC to publicly release 9-1-1 emergency calls placed by victims of the World Trade Center attacks today

(284)

(Delaware Online)

Today's "truck carrying more than five tons of human waste overturns on a highway ramp" story brought to you by Odessa, Delaware

Death toll rising after quake in Iran. Tune into the 700 Club tonight so Pat Robertson can tell you why

(193)

Sharon's breasts are lopsided, declare veiwers of "Basic Instinct 2" premier. In other news, submitter offers free exam, risk assessment

(104)

(Crazy Farker)

Cman41886, desperate for his first greenlight, decides to put himself up for photoshop

(108)

(NY Daily News)

Upon hearing that former teammate Kris Benson is getting divorced because he cheated on his wife, Mets players to find out if Anna Benson's promise to sleep with the team still holds (pic)

Coaches lobby for more NCAA tournament slots. That'll get rid of that nasty bubble once and for all

(Gareth-Michael Skarka)

Role-playing game industry fails its saving throw against girls and beer

It hasn't even been sculpted yet, and already the Mother Theresa statue is offending people

(Twin Cities.com)

Saint Paul's smoking ban starts at midnight; another one bites the dust

Theme: Bad timing

Eighty-year-old champion set to defend crown against upstart newcomer in world's ultimate Q*Bert championship

Thu March 30, 2006:

# of Comments

Sumatra quake fault set to rumble again

TF Kitchen: Post your best steak marinade/cooking instructions. LGT type of steak

(322)

It’s perfectly legal for a member of Congress to buy and sell stocks based on information that's not available to the public

(102)

Austria's self-proclaimed 80-year-old "porn hunter" charged after trying to stick a fig leaf on naked Mozart's statuesque junk. Throws another shrimp on the barbie

(154)

Do your best or worst at covering Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer"

Boston detective wrestles 108 bags of marijuana from jaws of pitbull. Last time this happened, they had to follow him around with a baggie for a week to get it back

Detroit Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace says Osama bin Laden is preparing new attacks against U.S

(132)

Poland, in an effort to make sure people blame the Germans instead them, want to change the name of Auschwitz to "Former Nazi German Concentration Camp Auschwitz-Birkenau"

(187)

(CBS13)

Happy birthday Dominion of Canada, Eric Idle and, oh yeah, 43-year-old Elle MacPherson... 43?

(91)

World record set for enclosing most people inside bubble. No, it wasn't set by dailykos.com

Commuting, not international travel, is the main cause for the spread of flu

(24)

Stoney-faced Botox Bandit still on the loose in Scottsdale

(Oregon Live)

Today's Toughness Award goes to woman who got shot by stray bullet while walking through rough neighborhood says she will not change her daily walking route just because she caught some lead

Two hundred teenagers gather in South Beach to protest drinking at 10 a.m., "when approximately all of their intended audience was still unconscious from the night before"

(89)

Oil prices rise amidst ...(throws dart)... Iran fears

(LSU Reveille)

Squirrel steals student's ID card. If you think this is funny, you aren't a college administrator (read March 28, then 29, then 30)

(124)

Elevator music inspires North Korean to defect to the west

Delphi to ask a bankruptcy judge to allow it tear up its labor contracts with the UAW tomorrow. Honda, Toyota tremble with glee at the thought of what can possibly go wrong

(161)

(Example)

Theme: Car concepts "of the future" that turned out to be nothing like what we have today. Link goes to example

(86)

Coach calls child a two-year-old. Dad sues "smelly butt" coach. Judge tells dad he's a poo-poo head. Dad takes his ball and goes home

(Chapel Hill News)

Bad: Terrorist drives rented SUV thru a college plaza. Worse: Happens to be Muslim. Fark.com: Terrorist whines that he wanted to use a gun instead

(276)

Tori Spelling has a new show and boobs to go with it

(225)

A PSA on how crack is made to clear up some of the images of Whitney Houston's drug den that may have confused a few people

(140)

(Billings Gazette)

Overreaction of the day: "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness," quotes lawyer from Allen Ginsberg in response to mall putting up no parking signs

(86)

(KPHO.com)

In bid for weirdest headline of the day, KPHO turns in this gem: "Kids allegedly kidnapped my mom back in Arizona." Submitter's mom wanted for questioning

Recent study shows there are more cellphone subscriptions in Denmark than there are inhabitants of Denmark. Americans shocked, unaware Denmark possessed electricity or language of their own

(111)

Highway department doesn't make drawbridge opening schedule available online because "posting information on the Internet simply requires more lead time"

Study finds prayer doesn't help heart patients. Still no cure for cancer

(224)

That ABC exec who said Bush makes him "sick" also said they shouldn't book Madeleine Albright on "Good Morning America" because she has "Jew shame"

(129)

MLB investigating past use of steroids in baseball -- to investigate color of sky next

(113)

(WYFF)

South Carolina's lt. governor is now walking to work, as a form of apology after being caught speeding twice and not being ticketed

(KTRK)

Mother buys DVD player from Wal-Mart, unaware it's pre-loaded with hardcore porn. Says her 13-year-old daughter: "It's very gross. I saw body parts I've never seen before"

(322)

Middle school makes half of the students pretend to be Jews, forces them into mock persecution throughout the day as part of "Holocaust" project. What could possibly go wrong?

(262)

If you haven't updated your wardrobe since the days of Warrant and Slaughter, you'll be happy to know that white jeans are back in style. No word on tight cuff-rolling and ripped up Metallica t-shirts

(172)

Ghyslain "Star Wars Kid" Raza is suing his classmates who put that now infamous video on the internet. Numa Numa guy watches case with great interest

(270)

"You moron, I said I wanted the house wired for CAT-6!" "Meow"

(95)

Oddly enough, the article titled "Battle of the bras takes nasty turn" isn't as trouser-twittering as one might expect

(19)

(Gawker)

Rumor: Unstable supermodel Naomi Campbell smacks around another employee

(TheIndyChannel.com)

Bush has vowed not to wear a Speedo on his trip to Cancun

(198)

Bird-flu vaccine trials provide disappointing results. And there will only be enough medicine to save white folks

(96)

(Boston Herald)

Image finally released of Scalia's "Vaffanculo" gesture

Snakes in a Car

Chicago approves plans to build 2,000-foot-tall skyscraper, complete with stunning overviews of polluted lakes and fishermen getting smacked around by flying carp

(103)

(LV Sun)

More and more women are electing to have C-sections to avoid pesky labor and loss of snatchlasticity

(312)

Phillies accidently send cockfighting DVD to season ticket holders. In other news, Phillie Phanatic to be replaced by giant cock

Japanese convenience stores give new meaning to "Open All Hours," thanks to openly available adult mags and fapping off at the counter

(WGAL)

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and a giant billboard has been constructed overnight and now hovers over your house. Welcome to Chambersburg, Pa. With pics

(162)

Advertisers are losing faith in television and moving ad dollars online. Bloggers seen holding their breath

UN to Iran: "Gee, ummm, if you wouldn't mind, could you, like, stop enriching uranium. If not we'll, well, we might do something. Maybe." Iran to UN: "Die in a fire"

(Some Proud Daddy!)

Farker Safeinsane's son turns two today. Photoshop his delightful expression

(87)

(PalmBeachPost)

Palm Beach County election error results in wrong person being named winner. No, not in 2000. Yesterday

(31)

A study has shown that playing video games can reduce chronic pain -- the pain of loneliness and isolation and total rejection by women

James Dean museum in Gas City Indiana closes for good. No word on what to do with all the unused sausage products

Man run over and killed by his own car. Boy, does that "Florida" tag come in handy

Vienna launches "driving license for dogs." Your dog gets dizzy chasing his bumper

(14)

(Forbes)

Japan remains world's No. 1 Internet-based economy, with 89 percent of respondents searching for tentacle porn at least once a month

(15)

Mother goes to open savings account for her toddler, discovers toddler already has two accounts and a driver's license registration. Ahhh, they grow up so fast

(55)

More than half of Indiana's seventh-graders passed the mandatory science exam for the first time last fall. That's right Arkansas, OVER half

(107)

(ninjaburger.com)

TFarker Aeonite's Ninja Burger Employee Handbook now available on Amazon. Ninja Pirates

(Boston Herald)

Finally the break in the case we've all been waiting for: "Sopranos" stars analyze Scalia's gesture

(New Scientist)

Scientists invent device that tells you if you're boring or irritating. Drew already bought one and is installing it on the Politics tab

Tennessee prison officials ban peanut butter because inmates were hiding guns, drugs and cellphones in the jars. Don't even ask what they did with the guard dogs

(19)

(mediamatters)

Apparently not understanding humor, group blasts Boortz for suggesting that 11 million illegal aliens be stored in the Superdome, Astrodome

(99)

(MLive.com)

When announcing your run for Congress, do you: A) Outline differences between you and your opponent? B) Criticize your opponent's record? Or (C) call your opponent smart and say that your district needs a noisier and dumber representative?

(23)

(KEYE TV)

Your wife has shut you down in the bedroom -- do you: A) Ask her more nicely? B) Surprise her in the shower? Or C) start a blog about it and alert the local media? (With video)

(339)

(nbc10.com)

Thirteen-year-old in hot water after sending threatening emails to the City of Florence and Bush

(86)

Beef stew, simmered chicken and roasted turkey meals for pets on sale. Vet says, "Nowadays, you see pets being seen more and more as child substitutes"

(92)

(Some Epee Wielder)

Photoshop these fencers

Man who started referring to his pets as "employees" wins "Home Office From Hell Contest"

(29)

Latest complaint in Indiana about adopting daylight savings time: One less hour of drinking for the Final Four

Man seeks cure for his sleepwalking problem, even though his problem does save him time cooking breakfast in the morning

Schoolkids set up company, import torture weapons, present them to government minister to show how easily it can be done. Will find WMDs for extra credit

(nbc10.com)

South Carolina Senate has given preliminary approval towards death penalty sentences for repeated child rapists

(356)

Daylight Savings to wreak havoc on Purdue University computers. "This is like Y2K except this one is really happening"

(89)

(Duluth News Tribune)

Not news: 45-year-old man appointed highway superintendent in NY. News: He still lives with his parents. Fark.com: In a treehouse with an elevator, shower and propane heater

Half the population are in a permanent state of jet-lag because their body clocks are so out of synch. Come to think of it, where is that damn body clock anyway?

"Meet the Farkers" -- tonight's Fark party in Venice becomes news as the Herald-Trib gives out an open invite

Condoleezza Rice: "Hey, let's check out that mosque." Muslims: "Suck it"

CNN and Christian Science Monitor reporting that missing hot white reporter Jill Carroll has been released

(204)

Congressional candidate who posted fake picture of Baghdad on his website to show how calm and stable it is replaces it with an actual picture of Baghdad. Unfortunately for him the building in the center of the new picture has since been blown up

Study finds women would rather have their teeth drilled than shop for a new swimsuit

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 47: "Green." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post

(209)

(Some Sales Rep)

Ten rules to manage your boss

Man wanted by U.S. Marshals for a murder found by victim's family on the Internet dancing in a nightclub in Damascus, Syria (with pic and video)

(Joblo)

Top 10 music videos of the 1980s. Including videos

Scientists make water flow uphill. Next week, lead into gold

Photoshop this Renaissance man

How to help your brain adjust to Daylight Savings without having to tell your boss you'll be about an hour late for the next six months

(92)

Wed March 29, 2006:

# of Comments

(News-Leader)

Kansas City decides to solve traffic congestion problem by having motorists briefly switch to driving on the wrong side of the road, then switch back. What could possibly go wrong?

(170)

New gadgets for pet owners include a collar-mounted cellphone that lets you talk to your dog. Your dog wants text messaging and one of those ridiculous bluetooth ear thingies

Today's "truckload of cows spilled onto the highway" story brought to you by Hialeah

(32)

Democrats attack Republicans as having no National Security plan. Release plan with no details which is attacked by Republicans. American public seen banging head against a table

(309)

Eight-year-old helps her mother give birth. In other news, you can use a shoelace to tie off an umbilical cord

John Allen Muhammed allowed to represent self at trial. Now we just need a Danish court sketch artist

(Starpulse.com)

Victoria Silvestedt hit in face by hockey puck -- she and her big fake boobies are fine

(114)

You want to go into space on the Virgin Space Shuttle? Tough tittie if you have implants

Woman wins million-dollar bake-off with the average Farker's refrigerator droppings: Chicken, frozen waffle sticks, pancake syrup and spinach

Two teens face child pornography charges for posting nude pictures of themselves on MySpace

(173)

If you're taking one of those "Taxidermy at Home" courses, don't leave your projects to dry on the fence where dogs will drag them home and spark murder investigations

(16)

(Greenville Online)

You know what you'd get if you were caught doing 101 mph in a 70-mph zone. Care to guess what the lt. governor of South Carolina got?

(109)

Ryanair pilot has trouble telling the difference between Derry Airport and Ballykelly military base. Hilarity ensues

(45)

When it comes to this burrito joint, "The percentage of people who come in stoned out of their bejesus is less than it was in the '70s and '80s." The times they are a changin'

(85)

Man, 69, confesses to 35-year-old bank robbery in order to get medical treatment, but police warn someone didn't think this one through

Scalia attempts to disprove obscene gesture with pissy letter to the press. Succeeds in proving that he is a petulant man-child

(154)

(Peoria Journal Star)

This month's "house collapses under the weight of pigeon droppings" story brought to you by Peoria, IL

(WNBC)

Today's poorly worded headline of the day award goes to "Prison Doc Accused of Fondling Inmates Killed by Train"

(KYPost.com)

If you're missing a petrified lawn gnome, the police would like to speak with you

(11)

Pig's head thrown through family's window in what resident calls premeditated attack. "You don't just find pigs' heads lying around in the street," he points out

UN to Iran: "Now stop your nuke program, or I will taunt you a second time"

(206)

Man mentally competent enough to pass himself off as a record producer deemed mentally incompetent to stand trial. "Florida" tag trumps "Obvious"

(13)

(thesimon.com)

Chupacabra to Congress: Without Chupacabra who will drink the blood of your goats?

George Lucas is worried about American cultural imperialism

(148)

Eclipse could bring stock market crash, says astrologer's butt

(Some Copper)

Photoshop these CHP cycles

Illinois lawmaker proposes solution to Asian carp problem in state's rivers and lakes: Eat them. Although similar program to deal with packs of feral dogs in Illinois may have been most unsuccessful state initiative ever

Hooters Air is taking its boobies and going home after discovering that the airline business does in fact suck

Cost of driving a car is now $150 a week, according to AAA

(199)

(NY Sun)

Former president Bill Clinton part of group seeking to buy the Philadelphia Inquirer. Look for Inquirer's new feature, Page 3: Ladies Who Gots No Clothes On

Mormons outraged by show none of them have ever seen

(222)

(Gizmodo)

Your dog wants a thong. And a squeaky toy

Guy who spanked his monkey while burglarizing homes is charged with intent to litter

(AdFreak)

German newspaper puts tilted mirrors above urinals to get men to contemplate their junk

(71)

(MotherJones)

The rock band sued by a minimalist composer for including 60 seconds of "copyrighted" silence on their album, and other farked-up tales of this country's farked-up intellectual property law

(142)

School to employ llamas as part of their teaching staff

(Live Journal)

NASCAR marketing its own line of meat products

(111)

Easter Bunny bludgeoned to death in front of cheering Baptists

Afghan parliament issues written demand that Christian not be allowed to leave Afghanistan. Hooray for democracy

(218)

(CNN Money)

Google patents free wifi

(194)

Abramoff to spend six years in prison; will now be doing favors for smokes

(214)

Museum declares it "inappropriate" for the man who broke the three Qing vases to be on hand for the unveiling of the pieced-together vases

(TheIndyChannel.com)

Meet the two dumbest crooks the Lawerence, IN police have ever seen

(WIBC.com)

National ad campaign emphasizing Hawaii's beautiful climate delayed by five weeks of constant rain

When you hang 10 in Hawaii, watch out for No. 2

Lexington, KY. police officer in trouble over MySpace page, on which he boasts of arresting country singer and makes fun of retarded kids

(110)

(PG)

Dumb: Getting a ticket for driving drunk. Dumber: Your friend drives and he gets pulled over for drunk driving. Fark: Third guy takes over and gets busted for DUI. All in the same night

Tom DeLay blaming all his problems on the athiests and homo-sex'ls and their "war on Christianity"

(1355)

Man scammed out of $14 million after email deal with wife of the son of the prince of Niger. No, really

(119)

Tumbling coach banned from high school for appearing in gay porn. Haven't we all done a little gay porn when we needed some cash?

(nbc10.com)

El profesor compra pornografía para los estudiantes. El español clasifica la inscripción encima del 300 por ciento en Alabama

(81)

Good: A sex tape with Sienna Miller has been making the rounds on the Internet. Bad: It involves another woman and a horse

(156)

Urine-tossing teen suspect tasered by police

(YouTube)

Farker and his friends make a video rebuttal to annoying anti-cigarette ad. (NSFW language)

(320)

Democrats promise to "eliminate" bin Laden if elected. Also, gas will be a nickel, and hot supermodels will want sleep with you, even though you are doughy and broke. Whatver you want. Just vote for them

(490)

A college student's guide on how to sell your body for money. Medical experiments and the like, not outright whoring

Teenagers caught playing truant after neighbor spots "burglar" climbing through next door's window. "She wasn't looking at school books, she was in bed with her boyfriend and was presumably learning something else"

(55)

What really goes on at Japanese cherry-blossom-viewing parties: Drunkenness, sexual debauchery, fighting and perhaps worse

Muslim clerics call for convert's death. Will not cast Cure Light Wounds on rest of party

Chances are this NJ cop's buddies will never stop hearing the story about the day he caught the Lamborgini

(73)

(SI.com)

Photoshop this cheerleader and her six pack

(117)

Politicians don't trust the media; the media don't trust politicians; the public don't trust either of them. And that's the ciiiiircle of liiiife

Man paints his car in protest after police cite him for parking his boat on his yard (with pic)

(135)

Thanks to advances in technology, it will soon be easier to speak to the dead

(Columbus Dispatch)

Dutchman builds modern Noah's Ark, asks neighbors how long they can tread water

Workaholics Anonymous: Helping people lead saner lives and stop screwing up the curve for the rest of us

(Daytona Beach News-Journal)

Ten-year-old winner of a children's poetry competition hands back her prize money after newspaper readers noticed that her poem was remarkably identical to the work of a well-known writer

(99)

The good news: Woman who was missing for a week and whose friends feared she could be a serial killer's victim has been found alive. The bad news: She was busy in a Jacksonville crack house

(wftv)

With all other problems solved, Florida legislature in heated argument over what the state pie should be

Thieves trying to steal animals from Australian zoo discover that koalas aren't the cute, cuddly little buggers everyone thinks they are

(85)

(Japan Times)

Doctor cleared after failing to notice four-year-old boy had cotton candy stick in his brain

Bush says he may not meet with Nigerian president over missing Liberian warlord dictator Charles Taylor. Twenty-four hours later, suddenly Charles Taylor is captured, extradicted back to Liberia

(145)

(Single Guy)

Ever wonder if that jar of olives in the fridge which has been there for months is still any good? A single person's guide to expiration dates

(138)

Drew will be on The Van Patrick show in Kansas City at 8:10 a.m. CST. Call 816-576-7710 with questions. That calling collect thing was a joke btw

Americans see, hear more profanity, which is obvious to anyone that isn't a goddamn dumbass

(138)

Teacher makes class clean poo off bathroom wall. Parents make a stink, teacher gets canned

(ABC7 Chicago)

Kelly's Pub in Chicago is home to DePaul fans, but once each year it becomes the headquarters of Maguire University, founded as a fake NCAA school in 1963 for the sole purpose of scoring Final Four tickets

(ABC 12)

Chiropractor who performed adjustments on women's breasts because they were uneven charged with sexual assault

(hamptonroads.com)

Norfolk's vice-mayor battles three-foot-long pit bull with a cardboard box. Strange-animal battle trifecta in play

(25)

Man finds way to beat the high price of gasoline. Oil execs not amused

Theme: Hey Billy-Bob, watch this

Alka-Seltzer makes 510 dishes to plop and fizz their way into the record books for world's largest buffet

(24)

Cash-starved New Orleans school district to sell its waterlogged, useless buses on Ebay

Twenty-one percent of people surveyed think it's morally acceptable to cheat on income taxes. The other 79 percent are too worried about being audited

(181)

(Sharky's On The Pier)

Reminder: Venice Florida Shark Party at Farky's On The Pier, Thursday March 30 from 7:00 to 10:00 pm (link goes to directions and such)

(11)

(Maui News)

Civil defense siren malfunctions in one neighborhood. Attempt to fix problem results in civil defense sirens sounding throughout entire county. In other news, Depends stock futures skyrocket

(64)

Tue March 28, 2006:

# of Comments

(Some Whippersnapper)

Driving instructor, 93, says he can still teach the kids a thing or two, and by "kids" he means "60-year-olds"

San Francisco hiker finds Louis Vuitton handbag containing $1 million dollars in jewels and returns it to rightful owners; says he wouldn't be caught dead carrying anything but Prada

(The Columbian)

If you get pulled over for speeding, you might want to hide your weed. Especially if it's sitting on your lap

Man busted for drunk driving after stopping to ask police where the 320-meter rock was, oblivious to the fact it was casting a shadow on him

(25)

Dude gets paid $600 a day to get high and change a lightbulb (with video)

Surgeons remove two fetuses from two-month-old baby girl. Needless to say, such a procedure would be illegal in South Dakota

Minnesota couple has three kids -- all born on April 6. Fireworks apparently not in short supply in their bedroom on the Fourth of July

Give this guy a better slide in his PowerPoint presentation

(109)

(Silent Bob)

Kevin Smith tells the whole Nicole Richie story

(251)

Heartless exec embezzles $237K from heart research foundation to pay dominatrix to beat him

(120)

(Batesville Daily Guard)

Thief robs Wal-Mart on two consecutive days at the same time, stealing a TV and a home-theater system. Police are said to be pursuing all channels

Pamela Anderson asks for a meeting with the Canadian PM over the seal hunt. In other news, it appears as if someone bought her a thesaurus

(103)

When the headline mentions "funeral director" and "fetus hoard" in the same sentence, you know things can only get uglier from there

Miami students stage sit-in while supporters outside chant slogans from Bob the Builder

(P-Cola Guy)

Fifteen arrested in "Hidden Desires" sting (pic of the world's crackiest bordello included)

(93)

So Moussaoui was all like, "I did it!" and then some other terrorists were all like, "Nuh-uh," so Z is all like, "Whatever"

(137)

Tom Cruise wants you to ask him really tough movie questions (must have Yahoo account to post)

(251)

Florida company to make giant 16-foot-wide baseball caps for New York watertowers. Looks like Star Jones' new bra is going to be back ordered

(Manchester Evening News)

Cheerleader outfits banned for making squad look like strippers. This thread needs more pics

(195)

(Too Tough for TV)

A judge will allow New Jersey’s worst serial killer to donate a kidney. Apparently, he still had some in his freezer

(Some Fosters Drinker)

"...just a dumb bloody white rooster" pierces girl's throat. The rest of her uncle's comments regarding the event are priceless

(117)

Great Dragon scheduled to eat the sun tomorrow. Scientists say devout prayers and sacrifices of slightly used virgins to the FSM our only hope of survival

PETA continues its quest to win friends and influence people with its new ad campaign: "Avian Flu: It's Your Fault"

(200)

At a mere three inches tall, "Heed" is vying for the title of World's Smallest Kitten. I'm not kidding, that cat's head is like Sputnik -- spherical but quite pointy at parts

(166)

Election officials run quarter-page ad proclaiming "Today is election day" the day before the election

(38)

(krtv)

82-year-old man battles four-foot-long gator with a broom and garden hose

Kadima party on the verge of winning most seats in Israeli elections. Post-election victory party to feature "Sharon Unplugged"

(73)

Noob chairman Ben "Third Degree" Bernanke continues Fed rate hikes

(216)

Eighty security cameras installed in Dillingham, Alaska. Bonus: Dillingham has 2,400 people and exports raincoats made from of walrus intestine

Man arrested after bragging to strippers about having caused hit-and-run accident. Cause strippers are known for their discretion

(hbtoday.co.nz)

In a desperate bid to address the public's highest priority demands, New Zealand's government unveils its new $420,000 historically accurate outhouse

Photoshop this shot-caller

(81)

(K9 Magazine)

In what will be an historic and bold move, Chinese animal welfare groups have unanimously called for a ban on dog eating and no more cats in the ladle

(117)

Drunk driver gets out of drunk-driving charge because he believes Shania Twain was helping him drive

Magistrate says man was justified in assaulting slow driver who yelled "I'm doing the speed limit"

(158)

Turns out "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector" may not be the 21st century "Citizen Kane"

(365)

(WFTV)

Construction crew unearths World War II-era hand grenade -- then, realizing what state they're in, decide to play a little catch with it

Western banks trying hard to attract Muslim customers who are currently rolling in piles of cash. Which would explain new CitiCorp "Death To America" ad campaign

(74)

Cops using MySpace to nab suspects, anonymous sex

(128)

"Dear Judge: Please don't send Jack Abramoff to PMITA prison, mmmmkay? Thanks a bunch." Signed, a bunch of rabbis, military officers, NHL referee, a congressman, a territorial governor and 250 other people

(123)

Fark $3,000 Free Roll Tournament this Thursday. Registration ends at midnight. Only 20 people signed up so far, should be real easy to win that money

Spate of "Devil Calls" in India have sparked panic. Zombies wandering streets muttering, "Can you hear me know?" said to be unrelated to problem

(St. Cloud Times)

Three brigades of Peeps deployed to St. Paul City Hall in the ongoing War on Easter

(stamfordadvocate)

Lewis the Cat issued a personal restraining order for attacking at least a half dozen people and ambushing the Avon lady with catlike stealth

Red Bull and vodka give drinkers a false sense of sobriety. Further study required

(140)

Prince Albert admitted to hospital. Someone must have finally listened to all those prank callers

(KSAT)

Man stabs own brother for smoking at asthmatic mom's house. Don't mess with Texas

(71)

Turns out Scalia didn't "flip the bird." He used a gesture which means the same thing in Italian. Which makes it okay, of course

(112)

Man charged $4300 for four burgers at Burger King

(Motor Cycle News)

If it weren't for the police and their radar guns, you wouldn't even be aware of the dangers of brick walls, some of which were clocked at 58 mph

(klastv)

High school students all around Las Vegas valley walkout in protest of immigration reform. Some speculate it was the citywide English test they didn't want to take

(560)

(wsbtv.com)

The wind doth taste of bittersweet / Like jasper wine and sugar / It no longer blows through others' feet / like those of Caspar Weinberger

(186)

The man whose Ferrari was wrecked last month has now had his 2005 Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren taken from him

(News&Observer)

Man says he successfully filled out his final four bracket by confusing George Mason with George Washington. Former President Mason unamused

British police scrap rollerblade squad because they couldn't chase criminals across grass. That's some nice police work not figuring that out in advance, Lou

Sharon Stone thinks kids should give and receive more oral sex

(209)

Rejected greeting cards from Hallmark include "Welcome back from your coma" and "Christmas just wouldn't be the same without peanut brittle, or Jesus"

How "Daddy-Daughter Day" at Chuck E. Cheese became "Let's Dognap a Chihuahua From the Pet Store Day." Your dog wants a GPS pill with his steak

♫ It's fun to stay at the P-M-I-A...♫

So many white-collar workers being fired at General Motors today that the company has put taxi firms and rental firms on alert because all the workers had company cars and they have no way of getting home

(218)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Good news: There are plenty of jobs in Florida. Bad news: They all involve wearing a foam costume for minumum wage

If you stole a Manchester City football programme from 1905, a Led Zeppelin CD and 17 Rolling Stones albums, the British Library would like them back. The £45,000 picture from 1522 as well, please

(16)

State senator welcomes new colleague to the senate floor by offering her a drive down a country road to prove if she's a real blonde

(211)

For those of you who still have a liver left, the world's oldest bottle of whisky is headed for the auction block

Cops called in by two guys in need, who claim that their home's been emptied. The police report's emphasis isn't the trespass, but the ton and a quarter of weed

Man upset that he lost a card game, gets revenge by throwing a hand grenade at his buddies

Indian newspaper warns pregnant women to stay indoors during solar eclipse "to avoid having a blind baby or one with a cleft lip"

(NY Daily News)

Arbitrend reports show most of Howard Stern's listeners did not follow him to Sirius. Unfortunately for CBS, they didn't stay at his old stations either

(250)

Boy expelled from school for selling cannabis is to receive £1,500 in compensation. Plus his own turf and some biatches

(IrieRadio.com)

Drew will be on the Rude Awakening Show this morning at 9:45 a.m. EST. His lead-in? Matthew "The Riddler" Lesko at 9:15. Need we say more? Phone lines always open: 1-877-723-9626. Listen live via the link

(32)

(Daily Yomiuri Online)

Akashi Octopus Expert Certificate Examination becomes unexpectedly popular in Japan, partly due to the name

(17)

(zeenews.com)

World's first "beer spa" opens in Czech Republic. Visitors can get beer massages, beer cosmetics and swim in beer while drinking a pint at a bathside bar

(Newbury Weekly News)

If you ask to use your girlfriend's phone to take pictures of strippers, be prepared for stabby hilarity

Andrew Card, White House chief of staff, resigns

(331)

Tuttle, Oklahoma official wants you to quit bothering him

(kare11)

Three-year-old boy climbs into toy-crane machine. Firefighters spend three hours and about $45 in quarters trying to free him, but have trouble because the farkin' claw won't grab hold

(ArsTechnica)

After Islam comes iTunes: Denmark hopes to continue its "Enrage the Fanatics" World Tour by challenging Apple

(60)

Photoshop this mushroom

(90)

(Philadelphia Inquirer)

"Vibrators made the job much easier, though some early ones ran on steam, she says, requiring the doctors to shovel in coal"

(297)

"Yiotsa mei choktee li munlist pwa andrik." Dakota Sioux language saved by Scrabble

Seattle gunman brought three guns, more than 300 rounds of ammunition, a baseball bat, black machete -- and a catchphrase

(253)

Cadillac to build 43-story office tower in downtown Toronto -- 24-inch gold spinners and enormous subwoofer to be architectural highlights

(34)

Not wanting to be out-done by Jesus appearing on a piece of toast in Boise, Idaho, the words "Allah" and "Mohammed" appear on a couple of fish in Liverpool, UK

Government investigators sneak enough radioactive materials for two dirty bombs into U.S. CNN alerts Al Qaeda

Japan's excessive "culture of politeness" makes it impossible for copywriters to produce catchy ad slogans that don't rely on safe subjects like tentacle porn or panty machines

A stevedore versus container / the result of which couldn't be plainer / his grave will be flowered / in the county of Broward / the "Florida" tag's a no-brainer

One of the coolest things you'll see tonight: butterflies with transparent wings

Britain's youngest drunk driver -- age 14 -- throws eggs at media when she shows up for sentencing, then managed to top that entrance by punching prosecutor, throwing water jug at judge and screaming obscentities as she's dragged from court

(174)

(Schlafly Bottleworks)

Reminder: Saint Louis Area Fark Party -- Saturday, April 1, 2006 at 4:01 p.m., Schlafly Bottleworks. DIT

(RCR News)

"Filling in for Ric Romero" trifecta in effect: Reporter discovers that nobody watches cellular TV because programming is awful

Woman who had breast enlargement surgery to transform her B-cup to a DD-cup is taking her boss to court for looking at her breasts too often

(248)

(Keynoter)

Village forced to buy human waste because it isn't producing enough of it to get its sewage plant to work, despite emergency airlift of All-Bran and Taco Bell

(19)

(Some ExciteBike )

Excitebike: The Smoosh Version. Just run over everyone in your way

(60)

(Hartford Courant)

Trogdor wins second consecutive national crossword puzzle championship

Where did all the boobies go? Follow the link to see. We picked the good ones out for you

(107)

Mon March 27, 2006:

# of Comments

Parents pissed over pornographic use of Play-Doh in preschool program

Photoshop this lizard

(163)

(11Alive)

Man holds himself hostage at knifepoint until he's tasered and knocked down by police (complete with video of the takedown)

(115)

Texas: Where religious congregations gather at bars and pastors deliver sermons atop El Toro the Mechanical Bull

Although SA-7s and their variants have been around for almost 35 years, ABC says now is the time to panic over one of them shooting down the airplane you're on

(136)

(WUSA9.com)

Cops: 1. Naked, oily ninjas: 0. Pirates unavailable for comment

(Globe And Mail)

Coming soon to a home near you: Grow your own meat overnight in a device the size of a coffee maker. EWWWWW

(246)

Court rules you can make fun of fat, ugly women if it's for comedic purposes

(Star-News)

Online grocery lists may now include human milk. Ethical questions include safety, Oreo dunking

Two masked kidnappers snatch man, demand $20,000. As the night wore on, the demands kept dropping and finally after getting bitched at by the victim's sister they dropped him off with $23 to show for 24 hours of kidnapping

Federal Election Commission says it will play no role in policing partisan Internet communication if it isn't paid for. In related news, Cheney's looking good for president in 2008, don'tcha think?

(MakeZine)

In the future, credit cards will earn you "World of Warcraft" gold

(Columbus Ledger-Enquirer)

Man sues eHarmony.com because they won't let him join. The fact that he's still legally married seems to be the sticking point

Remember the boys who jumped on the skylight of that abondoned factory and fell through? The parents are using this to teach the boys about personal responsi -- no, nevermind. They're suing

(152)

Bill Clinton may still be waiting for a ride from the airport after his chauffeur is picked up by INS as an illegal immigrant

(87)

(9News.com)

Student tries to spend spring break at Wal-Mart. Goes fine until wet t-shirt contest

Chicago firefighter dives into icy river to save his dog's life. Again

Homeowner shoots intruder with .410 shotgun. Intruder fires back with .30-.30. Homeowner then remembered his .30-06

(556)

Men, unclear on the definition of "hauling ass," arrested for dragging a donkey behind their truck

(WTOP)

White House initiates plan to drug test the entire population of D.C. by testing Potomac River wastewater for traces of cocaine. Next plan will be to invent instrument capable of reading such high numbers

The bathtub James Earl Ray stood in to shoot MLK is for sale on Ebay, again

(55)

(WXIA.com)

Funnel cloud picks up five 800-pound inflatable slides and seven children, blows them about 200 yards

Justice Scalia flips the finger in church. God not amused, here comes the karma

(229)

Hugo Chavez says he will conquer America with a bow and poison arrow. Because everyone knows that works better than napalm

(250)

Three million people entered an online NCAA bracket. Four of them somehow predicted this Final Four

(106)

Filling in for Ric Romero, Anne Harding of Reuters reports that young, good-looking men are more likely to have sex with multiple partners

(123)

Actual FHM top 100 sexiest women contest. Wil did not make the cut this year. Possibly NSFW, depends on where you work

(74)

(Journal Gazette)

Bush signs bill that was only passed by the Senate. Claims it's law and that everyone should just STFU and GBTW

(912)

Italian prime minister says the whole thing about communists eating babies was a misunderstanding. They boil them

(42)

Stocks mixed ahead of fed meeting. Drinks mixed ahead of K-Fed and Britney meeting

(18)

ABC looking for retards, disease and hate-crime victims for "Extreme Makeover." The Smoking Gun is there

(138)

For the first time in recorded history, the Scots give two-fifths of a damn about their health

(National Ledger)

Britney Spears is not a happy girl. Nude photos of her were bought up by an online casino for $40,000. They may have been taken by Justin Timberlake back in the day when she was still hot

(233)

One in four vets have had to treat drunk dogs. Your dog wants an aspirin and a good 12 hours of sleep

VideoEdit theme: Unlikely political attack ads. Due today

(16)

(WDAF4)

Today's "Woman caught with 70 cats, 10 dogs, two ferrets, three birds and a big pig" story brought to you by Independence, Missouri

(Oxygen)

Latest Campus Ladies clip online. "This place is a pig sty." "Well act like a woman and clean"

(Ohio.com)

Millions of germs waiting for you in the office. Wiping hands on pants may not be enough

Zacarias Moussaoui says he and the shoe bomber dude were supposed to fly a plane into the White House, star in movie with Samuel Jackson

(294)

SCOTUS to begin hearing medical marijuana arguments again, warns that if "William Randolph Hurst" or "the many uses of hemp" come up, all bets are off

(335)

Muslim man murmurs the word "divorce" three times in his sleep. Naturally, this is a legal divorce

Just like 9/11, the Danish cartoon wars and your missing socks, Afghan man converted to Christianity because of "a conspiracy by Western nations or Jews"

(110)

Vegas oddsmakers, psychics, and the Department of Pulling Sh*t Out Of My Ass predict 2:1 odds that a Category 2 hurricane will nail Palm Beach

Floodwaters send sharks inland. So beware of... hang on a sec, there's someone at the door

Weird: A camera was discovered filming the inside of the German chancellor's apartment. Weirder: It's a museum security camera. Fark: It did it for years before anyone noticed

Religious phones feature prayer by text message, prayer-time reminders and "holy hip-hop" ringtones. Some phones are even kosher

In about two years, national debt clock will overflow because it can't display tens of trillions

(156)

(Rochester D&C)

Running club uses white flour to mark the course for their run. Fire department, hazmat team not amused

(68)

Fourteen-year-old girl abducted for sex, finds hammer under car seat and vigorously introduces man's groin to the word "NO"

(206)

Scarlett Johansson voted numero uno in FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll. No. 2: Angelina Jolie, No. 3: Jessica Alba, No. 4: Jessica Simpson and No. 5: Keira Knightley. Wil Wheaton sadly shut out again

(213)

If your wife refuses to serve you meat for dinner, dousing yourself with gas and setting yourself on fire in the front yard probably won't help

(WMTW.com)

Man confronts police with potato peeler

Airlines charging extra for meals, pillows and blankets; don't have pay toilets or lean-back-your-seat fees. Yet

(228)

Participants enjoy inaugural underwater cycling race, despite snags from fishing lines and at least one flounder collision

(14)

It's spring, must be time for the media to dust off the perennial "California could be thrown into the sea by an earthquake at any moment" story. Yup, there it is

Wedding rings repossessed during ceremony

(31)

Woman robs restaurant with stick. Employees fear for their eyesight

(45)

Woman kidnaps her children from their father by dressing up as him, and then keeping it up for two years

Five-employee company with nearly two decades of financial losses may suddenly have entire computer industry by the twins

(89)

(Washington Times)

D.C. police say speed cameras are working. They don't help road safety, but they collect $30 million per year for the city, mostly from nonvoting commuters

Meet the Stanley Kubrick of the "on hold" message

Rabbi orders parents to dismember their children's dolls to avoid the perils of idolatry

(68)

Malaysia replaces rest stops with massage stops. Farkers look for ways to get their cars to Malaysia

(11)

(Stars and Stripes)

Combat Barbie goes to Iraq, saves convoy with .50-cal machine gun accessory

Chainless bicycle among items soon to be unused and rusting in your garage on display at Chicago Bike Show and Family Fitness Expo (with pic of $9000 bike)

(109)

(because sex sells)

Note to self: Start mattress website with ratings for sex

(29)

Driver parks SUV on a Brooklyn street that is over a leaky water main, which is over electric cables, which is over a gas main, which is over a subway line. What could possibly go wrong?

Holy book of Pastafarianism to hit bookstore shelves Tuesday. Ramen

(288)

Evangelical teens protest against "virtue terrorism" in San Francisco. "Instead of porn, show us Godly relationships"

(421)

Ninety-two-year-old man attacked by moose on way to church