Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2006-01-08 23:59:59'

# of Comments

One fried mice/ One fried mice/ See how it runs/ See how it runs/ Homeowner tried to fry the mouse/ It promptly ran back in the house/ burn house burn/ burn house burn

Theme: Now how did that get in there? Difficulty: No rodents

(Winston-Salem Journal)

Latest stress-relief technique is known as "Fredding" and it's so weird even the guy who invented it recommends against doing it on a first date

IKEA offers cheap food and couches, prompting Germans to use store as welfare for children, the elderly and unemployed

(20)

(The Eagle Tribune)

Brief history of Girl Scout cookies, because those little things are tasty

Pony adopts barn kitten (pic)

(Zman.com)

Sharon to come out of Coma tomorrow. If he sees his shadow there'll be six more weeks of bombing

(62)

(Billings Gazette)

Every New Year's Eve in Akita Prefecture, Japan, fearsome horned monsters burst into homes screaming, "Are there any lazy children to be eaten? Are there any students who play instead of studying?"

(Times-Leader)

Man with entirely too much time on his hands amuses himself by painting his house different colors when his wife isn't around

Real estate agent surprised when house explodes during tour

(43)

(KETV)

Cat that disappeared in a tornado in 2004 shows up back home wearing ruby slippers

(44)

(Hartfor Courant)

Police complain that their civil rights are being violated because their driving is being monitored

It looks like James Frey's "memoir" is actually a work of fiction written for a million little pieces of green paper

(137)

Cheerleading is now the most dangerous school sport. US Football surrenders

(245)

Utah theater cancels Brokeback Mountain screenings. Says it gives wrong message to young men and their countless wives

(485)

NASA hoping probe holding comet dust will make a soft landing in Utah desert after being jettisoned from spacecraft. But after their last try at this, you might want to steer clear of Utah next weekend

(Buffalo News)

Town supervisor's insistance on hand-signing all town documents results in employees' paychecks not being ready in time for payday

(46)

(Some Girl)

Theme: Thinking of you

(107)

"Weather reporting is the new war reporting, because war reporting has become just too dangerous for journalists."

(Some TFette)

TFette wants to get more into photography (digital). What rigs do our Phabulous Photo-Pharkers recommend?

(273)

(Napa Register)

It's the ultimate in nostalgia as some homebuyers start purchasing their childhood homes

(117)

Traditional media "clueless" when it comes to web, new survey reveals

(73)

(Charlotte Observer)

Man arrested after breaking into a grave 22 years earlier. He told authorities he "wanted a skeleton for his room"

Boomer Trends: todays contribution for what the X's and Y's have to look forward to

(Charlotte Sun-Herald)

Newspaper apologizes for causing state investigation after correctly reporting that county commissioners were breaking the law -- only in Florida could you possibly read a story like this

23-metre snake of thousands of beer cups takes lap of cricket ground (with pic)

Chickens invade neighborhood. Officials refuse to help because they haven't attacked anyone yet (pic)

(Impact Lab)

Terrifying Internet Facts, for people who have been living with their head up their butt

Woman sues police for shooting her after she pointed a revolver at them

Quentin Tarantino pissed off at James Bond producers for failing to contact him following his request to direct next 007 movie

(214)

(USPS)

Beginning today, US Stamps cost 2 cents more. But it still costs nothing for your uncle to send you an e-mail that Microsoft will track for two weeks and send you $245 for every person you forward it to

(90)

Policewoman 'felled by beer keg' in weekend attack by drunken, brawling partygoers

Don't let your million dollar home suffer the indignity of an ordinary mailbox

Official Sunday NFL wildcard round discussion thread

(ℵ₁)

Alleged al-Qaeda bombmaker gets back at IRA prisoners taunting him in Irish jail by handing one a flask wrapped in batteries and telling him it will explode if he lets it go. Hilarity ensues

(112)

After hampering their hunt for two weeks, Greenpeace vessel rammed by whaling ship in "accident"

(138)

FAA drawing up space tourism rules. Because, as everyone knows, the US owns space

White blind, deaf man, 76, set to be put to death on the 17th. Where are execution protesters now?

(391)

6.7 magnitude quake rattles Greece. Opa

(THV.com)

Elderly woman demonstrates the ease of using a drive-through grocery store. Grocery store notes that it wasn't a drive-through until she arrived

(90)

There may be more embarassing things than being caught naked in a store window with a mannequin, surrounded by other naked mannequins that showed signs of "abuse", but it's hard to think of what

Baltimore seeks hip, catchy slogan to draw tourists. Apparently "Watch our murder rate rise" wasn't catching on

(105)

Judge bans would-be mugger from wearing hooded sweatshirt for two years (with pic of judge wearing something even more sinister on his head)

The incredibly selfish Kobe Bryant only adds 8 assists to the 50 points he rains down to beat the Clippers

(83)

Obvious: There are killer sharks in the waters off Australia. Not so obvious: They apparently have discovered teamwork

Lion Country Safari starts to cage big cats due to idiots who get out of cars to play. "People are just ignorant about this size animal," says director of park. "They think because we feed them every day that they're tame."

Theme: Office Space

Best UFO pictures ever taken, 1870 to present. J, K, and Smoking Man not available for comment

(158)

(The Trading Charts)

83-year-old "Crow Whisperer" demands total secrecy as he chases thousands of birds away from city

(28)

Old and Busted: That 42" LCD TV with 3000:1 contrast ratio you spent thousands on last year. New Hotness: The 55" Surface-conducting Electron-emitter Display, with 100,000:1 contrast ratio

(102)

School keeps incident where student compiled "death list" of other students under wraps, by accidentally faxing confidential report on the incident to newspaper

(45)

Old & busted: automobile cruise control. New hotness: bicycles that automatically adjust steering

Skeletal remains found under home by repairman. In other news, blonde wins hide-and-seek championship

(63)

(ketv.com)

Wealthy school apologises for taunting other school for not being as rich as them during game

(164)

Runner dies after crossing finish line at Disney half-marathon. Witnesses claim he was heavily Animated and acting Goofy before the Rescuers took him away

(92)

Photoshop this farker's son

(87)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat January 07, 2006:

# of Comments

(journal-news)

Tribute beer cans from Bengals first Super Bowl up for sale. Browns fans can buy them to live vicariously

(KDKA)

Giant inflateable bear, once the pride of Beaver county, now lies lifeless with a stab wound right between his eyes. With video

(AVN via Gizmodo)

Give something special to your favorite girl this Valentines day, that's right, a solid milk-chocolate replica of your penis, batteries sold separately

(97)

(Science Daily)

Scientists create atom catching laser box, Tron is impressed

(39)

(Some Farkette)

Farkette's friend has daughter's 7' Boa Constrictor stuck in dashboard of her Subaru Wagon. Difficulty:Boa has eaten recently and has no reason to leave. Any suggestions for removing Boa intact so friend can drive home? Details in thread

(√-1)

List of essential Mac OSX applications

(350)

(KRTV)

Today's drivers too hip to buy station wagons, so car makers call them "crossovers." In related news, General Motors announces plans for 2007 release of its "Shinola" line

(112)

New Lamborghini Miura Concept car

(124)

(RoadandTrack)

The 2009 Camaro Concept

(440)

Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Dishes

(Tubby not happy)

Kentucky: the new Duke. Suckage doth ensueth

(LLN)

It's official: the new ultra-retro Dodge Challenger

(186)

(Casper Star Tribune)

Town believes aliens are responsible for the mysterious death of six horses and a burro

(Inside Bay Area)

Bush villages in Alaska can now get pizza airdropped to their door for free

(63)

(Female First.co.uk)

Christina Aguilera says Kelly Osbourne is always badmouthing her because she actually has a crush on her, wink-wink nudge-nudge say no more-say no more

(161)

Marines are dying from lack of body armour which government supposedly has but won’t issue

(417)

Today's creepy, little-known fact: Major libraries in the US contain books bound in human skin

(99)

Parents of scout struck by lightning sue the Boy Scouts for not being prepared

(Daytona Beach News-Journal)

(dailyrecord.co.uk)

Silly Saturday Joke thread. Post your own, or just read

(lots)

NFL drops 45 yr old age restriction for half time show... Rolling Stones still want exemption for Hoverround scooters

(39)

Florida prison program has inmates building custom motorcycles

official Saturday NFL wildcard round discussion thread

(867)

Average woman will spend more than $15,000 on clothes they will never once wear, scientists find. Still no cure for shopping

(Pharyngula)

Three Christian ministers sneak into Senate hearing room, anoint chairs to be used for Samuel Alito's confirmation hearing next week. Says Rev.: "God is interested in what goes on in Alito's confirmation process."

(169)

(The Stories You Cannot Tell)

Caption this man

(101)

14 tips to follow when having an affair

(316)

In what is sure to be great news to rest of the hospital, surviving WV miner's wife hopes blasting Metallica at him will speed up healing process

(143)

Hugh Thompson Jr., the man who stopped the My Lai massacre, has passed away

(131)

Newspaper asks the tough questions. Such as, "Could Avril Lavigne make it in today's fast-paced fast-food industry?"

(WIVB)

Buffalo police pursue men who spirited away a case of vodka in what has already been dubbed the "Grey Goose chase"

(23)

(Evening Standard)

Woman surprised to discover Christmas card she sent to her nephew, who lives just 2 miles away, was delivered to Iran by mistake

(21)

(Rochester D&C)

School holds pep rally -- for a standardized state exam

Tiger Woods buys $54 million home; won't be invited to join the local golf club

(79)

Fresh off his 64-point 0-assist performance, selfless NBA ball-sharer Kobe Bryant scores 48 points with a whopping 2 assists

(Quad City Times)

Illinois police remind drivers that blocking the left lane is illegal, so move over

(162)

Breaking news from Captain Obvious: Tom Delay gives up dream of regaining leadership post ( developing)

(366)

New Grand Theft Auto game due out in 2006. That distant "pop" you just heard was Jack Thompson's head asploding

(133)

Photoshop this hot bird

(131)

Another teacher sentenced for having sex with students. DA quoted saying: "I do not subscribe to the locker-room science where a boy should feel privileged to be molested by someone twice his age." Probably due to being at least 40

(187)

Town in central Norway mulls importing camels to provide milk and jobs for immigrants from Africa

(26)

Ted Nugent thinks the poor should eat their pets and assesses Michigan governor Granholm: "She is not doing an ugly job, but as the perfect woman, she is scrotumless"

(190)

World's first meterosexuals found in prehistoric Irish bog, complete with hair gel imported from France

Counterfeiters clog toilets flushing fake cash, spend a week relieving themselves in plastic shopping bags

(41)

2005 winner of most creative word, "whale tail" (appearance of thong above the waistband), beat out "muffin top" (bulge of flesh hanging over top of low-riding jeans)

(172)

(Hawk Eye)

Business owner charges applicants $10 for $25-an-hour mystery jobs. Chance to win an H3 Hummer if you recruit other suckers

Most moms find their kids' cigarettes or dirty magazines. This one found his fully loaded AK-47 machine-gun (with pic)

(439)

(Some Gal)

Reminder- Minneapolis Fark Party tomorrow (the 7th) at the Bulldog, 9pm

(Impact Lab)

Italy plans to have robots build a large telescope on the moon. Additional plans are to build a pot belly stove on Mars and a beer cooler on Venus

(50)

Guilt-ridden thief returns teenager's prosthetic leg

Photoshop this pirate chef

(Elevensies)

The Hobbit Feast, Saturday the 7th. All three Rings movies, and all seven Hobbit meals, only $88

(tonight.co.za)

50 Cent is looking for a special someone to cuddle with, darn socks, and shoot him

(73)

(Some TFette)

Caption these wrestlers

(117)

Four charged with defrauding N.Y. churches; neither the Clown of Thorns nor the Shroud of Urine turned out to be divine, and the Holy Braille turned out to be random bumps

'Screaming' rabid cat goes on rampage, bites 15 people and their little dogs too

(66)

Nothing wakes you up in the morning quite like a fuel tank from a jet falling beside you

Dumb: Parents leave small children home alone while they live it up in Las Vegas. Dumber: One of the children is autistic. Fark.com: They get a sitter for the dog

(133)

Cow escapes slaughterhouse, dodges cars, train, braves icy Missouri River

(66)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri January 06, 2006:

# of Comments

Thief returns something he stole from mueum 42 years ago. Museum officials have no idea what the thing is (pic)

(119)

Washington lawyers vigorously object to proposed law prohibiting sex with clients

(62)

Jury viewing evidence may have cracked case by finding what cops didn't

78-year-old woman sues prime minister for broken campaign promise 5 years ago

(37)

You've been rejected as a plasma donor. Do you A) walk away dejected; B) find somewhere else to donate; or C) shoot cars at the clinic?

Home burglars literally make off with kitchen sink, as well as wrought-iron staircase banister worth $120,000

(22)

Marcus Vick permanently dismissed from VT

(222)

Photoshop this keg stand

(75)

Transcript from 60 Minutes report on NSA spy network - broadcast when Bill Clinton was president and thus ignored by the mainstream media

(lots)

(wtop)

Pregnant woman, shot 11 times, gives birth to a healthy baby girl presumably named "Nichole"

(103)

WV miner's last note read, "I just went to sleep" and "I see them on the other side," confirming scientific speculation that dying in a mine allows you to write posthumously

(239)

(NBC15)

Jamaica named "murder capital of world." Embarassed Detroit residents apologize for dropping the ball, vow to do better this year

Al Jazeera television, limiting its news sources to Al Qaeda suicide bomber videos and Democrat press releases, says planned US troop reduction is proof the US has lost the war on terrorism

(797)

Marcus Vick's hokie pokie during the Gator Bowl will be punished, unless he leaves to enter the NFL draft. Thanks for nothing

(151)

If you're angry about your parking ticket, do you A) Pay it anyway; B) Mount a vigorous defence in court or C) Torch the city's 30-foot tall Christmas tree?

(Hollywood Tuna)

The Just in: Jessica Alba still looks great in a Bikini (with pics) (SFW)

(259)

In the "let's just pull statistics out of our ass" category, one magazine rates Baltimore as the fittest city, another ranks it as 93rd

(DMRegister)

Of Iowa's remaining 1,360 'Critical Assets' to be guarded by Homeland Security, we find... a Krispy Kreme?

(114)

(BAOU)

Porn business controls Wikipedia (includes not safe for work pics). In other news, porn also controls the Internet. Not sure what the issue is here

(188)

New Orleans residents call plans to tear down destroyed houses that shifted onto sidewalks and roadways a "conspiracy"

(175)

(Buffalo News)

When robbing a bank, a slow teller can be frustrating, but it's not a good idea to remove your mask to yell at her (with pic)

(50)

Best Abramoff defense of the day: "Craighead said that while he had met Abramoff, he was never in a meeting with him"

(79)

(The other Enquirer)

A complete list of Chad Johnson's touchdown celebrations for the 2005-06 regular season

(156)

Missouri to ban sale of beer colder than 60° because a fifth grader thought it would be a good idea

(477)

Caller dies on live radio after learning he could not say "nutsack" on the air

(142)

Sober Dutch troops mocked by drunk Brits and taunted by Spanish driving around with cars full of Heineken

Apparently, performance art does not include attacking other artist's work, even if it is a urinal fountain

The Sports Guy's playoff predictions, including Patriots to romp after Tom Brady uses his magical fire breath to destroy the Jags and then carries the Sports Guy away in his muscular arms

(336)

(Evening Post)

Club advertises 'pornstar party' with flyer depicting naked cartoon woman, shocking a bunch of people who would never attend anyway

Ticketmaster forced to refund upcoming dates on the GARY GLITTER: MOLESTING AROUND THE GLOBE world tour

(78)

(WGAL)

Behold the 800-pound butter sculpture at the 90th Annual Pennsylvania Farm Show

(72)

(Daily Mail)

Teachers told not to punish bad behavior in their classrooms because it hurt their feelings and to praise them instead, according to new study from the Some Things Are So Stupid Only A PhD Could Say Them Institute

(292)

Chicago is named America's fattest city, taking over the dubious honor from Houston

(200)

Woman refuses to return small dog that was given to cancer-stricken teenage girl; gets sued for $6 million

(122)

(WFTV)

Deputy uses Taser to drop charging black bear. Critics complain any other kind of bear would have been let off with a warning

(86)

Cemetery bans man from putting headstone on his grandfather's grave labelling him a "Socialist" because it is too political, and he might start unionizing the dead or something

(92)

Sit back with a glass of acetone and some silica packets and read this year's "Wacky Warning Labels"

(159)

(WSBT)

High school football coach in Georgia resigns after some people had a problem with him branding his starting players with red-hot paper clips

(55)

(NZ Herald)

Survey of 65 "regular porn viewers" in New Zealand finds that most of them consider watching unprotected sex a turn-off, so government considers putting labels on porn so no one is disappointed. Seriously

(95)

Ariel Sharon is in grave condition, seems like a legit reason to raise oil prices

(149)

Double your pleasure, double your fun. Twins steal Oxycontin with plastic toy gun

"Skiing drunk is not easy"

(90)

You'll never find... another love like his. Israeli Prime Minister Lou Rawls has died after being pulled from a mine

(189)

(Cantonrep)

City councilman loses his job when it is discovered his house is actually 30 feet outside the city limits

(24)

While Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead, Israeli PM Sharon's condition upgraded to "not dead yet."

(150)

(Your Mom)

Theme: You are SO going to get a spanking when your father gets home

Following the Fark trend, stories of off-limits hanky-panky and inappropriate discussions between teachers and student rises 33% in NYC

(32)

(World Tribune)

First news report that Sharon has died

(434)

Mayor of Normal, Illinois will give you fifty bucks if you can tell him a joke about his town that he hasn't heard before

Man who stole diamond earrings from college fundraiser arrested after attempting to get them appraised at jewelry store that originally donated them

(19)

English soccer fans taking German lessons so they can more effectively taunt host country's fans in upcoming World Cup

Wal-Mart's movie suggestion system links Plant of the Apes and movies on Martin Luther King, Jr.

(203)

What if you had your own late-night talk show and you could have any guests you wanted, living or dead? Create a conversation between them and you

(25)

Scientists say magnet therapy is waste of money. Captain Obvious shocked

(183)

Theme: Graffiti at Disneyland

(119)

(Stars and Stripes)

Anheuser-Busch extends free theme park admissions for active-duty servicemembers and their families into 2006

(123)

(9News)

Postal workers suspected of stealing Netflix DVD's

(208)

(CBS4)

Slapshot causes street hockey ball to asplode. That, and the fact it was loaded with firecrackers, matches and gunpowder

(77)

Police find bank robber after witnesses point out his license plate said 'FINDME'

(56)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu January 05, 2006:

# of Comments

Small-town Italian baker drives local McDonald's out of business by offering delicious panini, with mortadella, scamorza cheese and other delicacies. Now I'm hungry

(257)

(wkyc.com)

High school senior arrested for linking to school computer system, telling everyone to log on to it and hit 'F5' repeatedly. Also investigated for sophisticated 'steal the mouse ball computer lab freakout' prank

(186)

Subcutaneous RFID chips are here

(154)

(CCN)

Tech giant IBM to overhaul pension plan by 2008, changes name to IBS: I've been Screwed

(150)

Comic-book creator Neil Gaiman says, "It's strange when people get my characters tattooed on them"

(141)

Collectors expected to go bananas for $20 bill misprinted with fruit sticker

(114)

Earliest known Mayan writing found in Guatemala. You submitted this with a rabbit, a couple squiggly lines and a guy holding a human heart in his hand

(77)

NFL coach charged $25K for using cell phone on sideline. Roaming charges extra

As if stories from their married friends aren't bad enough, these people guarantee a life of hell by setting wedding date of 6/6/6

(107)

USA Today complains about the media's inaccurate reporting on the WV miners -- with their own apology linked in the article

Tree assassin poisons park trees to improve her condo's view of the water

(158)

Nothing says news like "recipe for my sister's beer-cheese soup"

(76)

Man who escaped gas poisoning, drowning in a river and having 10-foot length of pipe falling on his head discovers he also has three sewing needles stuck in his brain. "I'm like a cat with nine lives," he says cheerfully

Lawmakers display shame over Abramoff scandal in their own unique way: "I wish it hadn't happened because it's not going to help us keep our majority"

(209)

Rocket scientist invents rocket-powered bike (pic)

John Woo to direct He-Man movie. No word yet on Nicole Richie being cast as Skeletor

(184)

(Dallas Observer)

"The doo-doo man occupies a horrible sweet spot in the collective Jungian fabric. He is the primal demon who pops out of the doughnut display at us all"

U.S. Women's Olympic Hockey team loses to a bunch of high school boys. Bobby Riggs's neighbors report maniacal laughter

(111)

Everyone act shocked, it's a Kennedy with a drinking problem

If Pat Robertson's new year resolution was to not make an ass of himself, he didn't do so well

(π)

"Male monkeys prefer toy cars, females like dolls." Studies to determine whether female monkey gets on male monkey's back for having one goddamned beer during the football game up next

(78)

(NewsWatch50)

Detroit library nixes Jay-Z Super Bowl party; insists people using library must be able to read

(79)

Google to sell video from CBS and the NBA in the event they start producing something people want to watch

(34)

Pizza delivery guy says a pack of little girls tried to rob him

(109)

(XTreme!)

The world now has products like Xtreme bread, Xtreme lawn care, Xtreme hair care, Xtreme games, and Xtreme furniture. Photoshop other unlikely Xtreme items

(85)

Electronics firm Matsushita unveils a plasma TV bigger than God

(217)

(Daily Mail)

"Snowball rage" latest excuse for beating the crap out of random strangers on the street

Politicians burned in Abramoff scandal considering new funding model after unwashed hippies charged 10 times the amount actually donated to Greenpeace

(kutv.com)

Documentary offers new theory on JFK assassination. Chuck Norris scenario still most likely

(136)

Nothing like spending four years carefully preparing for 21,630-kilometer trip and crashing into islands 21,600 kilometers short of your goal

(120)

Japan's biggest security company won't hire anybody with red or yellow hair

Bush calls Texas Longhorns, congratulates them on their victory over UCLA

(165)

In a move that is sure not to backfire, Microsoft unveils its new music service "Urge," which will not be compatible with iPods

(255)

(NBC 10 Philadelphia )

Polar bears sent to zoo via FedEx

Asthma my ass, Lindsay Lohan has pregnancy test kit rushed to hospital

(360)

Snowboarder uses memory of movie scene to build himself shelter when lost, which likely saved his life. Unfortunately, he was unable to locate any Chilean rugby players, so he was pretty hungry when found

Papers report miners didn't suffer. Expect updated reversal in 3 hours

(137)

(NewsWatch50)

Big P*ssy being sued for $5 million by his ex-p*ssy

Tropical Storm "I'm not dead yet" Zeta gives a big UFIA to forecasters and strengthens back into a tropical storm

(TriCities)

Things you don't want to hear from some guy as you're out for your evening run: "Mind if I jog with you in the nude?"

Second chord sounds in world's longest lasting concert, begun on September 5, 2001 and scheduled to last until 2639

(266)

(WGAL)

Owner tracks down pet deer that got away, then shoots it dead so it won't get hit by car

(80)

(Buffalo News)

Tree-trimmer attempts to wipe out the competition by stealing their chain saws, burning their cars and running them over with his car

Israeli TV reports Sharon has heart, brain functions after surgery. Some would argue this is the first time that has happened

(436)

Horsham, England: Once famed for its "War of the Worlds" literary connections, now world capital of dog poo

(National Hurricane Center)

Man beats vomiting and jellyfish to complete 26-hour swim

(43)

Zeta has been downgraded, but Michael and his dad are sure to be on our screens later this year

(16)

Jesus Christ NBC affiliate drops show because of complaints from viewers, even though the show hasn't aired yet

(1275)

Paris Hilton facing slander and harassment lawsuit, meaning there's not only someone who listens to what she says, but also cares

(100)

Chicago mayor tries again to impose strict gun laws such as the ones in D.C., where the former mayor was mugged by gun-toting chuckleheads

(384)

Boomers vote 1967 as the best year in music ever, then pull their pants right up to their man-breasts and get back to complaining about the kids today

(263)

Video of celebrity menage a trois coming soon. Submitter starts the speculation by guessing it stars Fred Durst, Rick Solomon and Jenna Jameson

(192)

Tampa Bay Bucs play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" during the halftime medley last Sunday. New Orleans Saints, fans not amused

(166)

(Hollywood Reporter)

Nickelodeon president resigns unexpectedly. When asked for reasons, he supposedly replied, "I don't know"

(99)

(Sportsline.com)

Head official in Virgina Tech game says if he saw the Vick stomp "you bet I would have thrown his ass out" and calls Tech the dirtiest team he's seen in 22 years

(216)

Point: "I was set up, I was only preaching to that male prostitute." Counterpoint: "Reverend Latham, you asked me to have sex with you"

(348)

(WTOP)

Restaurant owner says guinea pigs found in his freezer were for his personal dining pleasure

(Garfield.com)

From the "back when Garfield was still edgy" file: A joke about Jon drinking dog semen

(140)

North Dakotans want to change big-game licensing restrictions to recruit young hunters. Week-long, drug-riddled writing benders in Vegas no longer working

(38)

Study proves stories in soap operas are absurd

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding reportedly on hold after Tom had trouble getting out of the closet at the Holmes family house

(111)

Fall for one scam and you go on scammers' "Suckers List" forever

(39)

Jon Stewart chosen to host the Oscars. Meanwhile, from his mountaintop fortress, Tucker Carlson starts preparing accusations of Stewart being "soft" on Best Cinematography nominees

(186)

When you read articles about "what women want", don't be fooled: In reality, no one can possibly know

(356)

(NJ 101.5)

What's more delusional? Thinking someone like Tara Reid will hear your calls for help and actually show up, or thinking Tara Reid is capable of accomplishing anything?

(The Local)

Swedish students surprised by a soft-core porn shoot in their school gym

Couple shellshocked by condom in nut

(34)

(Anniston Star)

In Anniston, Alabama, "thoughtful works of film have done poorly in ticket sales around here." Deuce Bigalow, however, is another story

(126)

(Some Duck and Cover)

Photoshop this mortar

(111)

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards on/off divorce is back on. Firefox users now demand "Sheen Marital Status" extension

(49)

(99x)

Drew will be on 99x in Atlanta this morning around 8:15 a.m.

(80)

South Carolina deputy, who shot unarmed suspect four times while serving warrant, charged with manslaughter. Next they'll be saying suspects shouldn't have tried to swim away from police while stealing 75 pounds of chains

Hottest Japanese holiday trend: Crap-stained New Year cards

Vince Young wins BCS Championship. USC wonders why they can't tackle one guy. Would have posted this last night but we were drunk and watching the game

(284)

(KSDK.com)

Jailers stuck with "crappy" job of recovering swallowed rings

Tropical spider the size of a hand hides in elderly man's house for weeks, biting him while he sleeps

(364)

(DefenceTalk)

U.S. soldiers about to get handheld radar capable of sensing through 12 inches of concrete

(76)

Mugger inexplicably fails to notice police helicopter hovering above him as he knocks man to the ground and steals his briefcase. The Sun was also there

(17)

Atlantic fishermen have lost their belief in Cod

(Albany Times Union)

USS Slater damaged by fire and heavy smoke. USS Screech and USS Zack unharmed

(70)

(Bradshaw Foundation)

Cosquer Cave, located 115 feet below the surface of the Mediterranean, is loaded with prehistoric cave paintings. (With pics)

(76)

Ugly-ass baby black rhino born at Czech zoo. (With pic)

(28)

(Impact Lab)

Life in the emerging digital kitchen. Good thing the butter dishes are still analog

(20)

Company slammed for selling hooded sweatshirt with built-in ski mask. All the well-dressed criminals will be wearing them this spring. (With pics)

(78)

(Pensacola Journal)

Old and busted: Jelly of the Month Club. New hotness: Bacon of the Month Club

(37)

Poll finds most drivers don't understand typical road signs, but everyone understands a speed-camera sign

(41)

Theme: The next line of soft drinks

(128)

(The Starting Place)

Las Vegas Fark Party. WHEN: Saturday, Jan. 7 at 9:00 p.m. WHERE: Link goes to location. DIT

U.S. military hopes to make it to the moon and back in under six hours with Star Trek-style hyperdrive

(204)

(Farktography)

Theme of Farktography Contest No. 35: "Happy New Year." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post

(149)

(Evening Telegraph)

Burglar follows castle's security chief home and sets up residence in his yard, forcing him to feed his pet duck Italian food

(20)

Ariel Sharon reportedly alive after surgery. Report that he's actually dead after all is expected in 45 minutes

(306)

Blah blah blah Lindsay Lohan blah blah blah

(147)

(QC Times)

Spammer sued by small Iowa ISP. Court rules in ISP's favor, to the tune of $11B. That's "B" as in bajillion

(82)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed January 04, 2006:

# of Comments

Mother of two charged with reckless endangerment after throwing snowballs with her children in her backyard

(83)

(Some Quahog)

Rhode Island House overrides governor's veto 59-13, making it the 11th state to legalize medical marijuana

(348)

Seventy-million TVs are about to become paperweights

(216)

Java village buried by landslide. No news of .NET, Ajax or C++

(91)

(New-Tribune)

Man claims he was beaten over unpaid bill for hookers, although skeptics remain: "It is hard to believe that someone in that line of work would be willing to extend that kind of credit," says prosecutor

(140)

Theater chain executive describes cup holder mounted seats in cinema as "the most important technological innovation since sound."

(The Spice of Life)

Good news everyone: You can bite my shiny metal ass again

(233)

Multimillion-dollar valet-parking business features models and actresses dressed in bikinis, miniskirts or lingerie

(Winona, Michigan)

Man buys lighthouse on Ebay for $170K sight unseen, foghorn unheard

Katrina and the Waves comeback tour sold out

(southbendtribune)

Eleven-year-olds now buying Victoria's Secret lingerie

(165)

Artist who hiked into a desert and chained his feet together to draw them loses the key, has to hop for 12 hours back to civilization. Says spirits kept up by jackalope, naked sheep

(CKNW)

Woman, who apparently took South Park's "Blame Canada" a bit too seriously, sues Vancouver, province over coyotes killing her cat

Solar-powered streetlights to offer wifi access. Police anticipate an increase in traffic as people wait at the light to download their latest iTunes

(26)

(Journal Register)

Illinois prosecutors warn drivers that once they get 75 traffic tickets, there is a real possibility that the judge won't let them off with just a warning not to get caught again for a while

(45)

2006 Rose Bowl National Championship Thread

(ℵ₁)

(Montgomery Advertiser)

Alabama taxpayers forced to subsidize porn. Porn to become bloated, slow, overpriced and unavailable on nights, weekends and holidays

(93)

Photoshop this big silver cone

(129)

Wales halts cockling after illegal cocklers arrested and their cockles returned to the wild. Uh huh uh huh huh

(38)

(KSBW 8)

Bush gets rid of $6,000 of the more than $100,000 raised for him by Abramoff in order to distance himself from any corruption charges. This will surely solve everything, end all discussion on topic

(769)

Scientists focus thinly-veiled study on teenage girls who put out

(190)

(The Daily News)

Blackbeard's ship possibly found. Descendent clam found on board

Unclear on the concept, foster parents willing to give up cages they kept their kids in if they can get their children back

(122)

(Daily Mail)

Scientists explode detox myth, conclude that people are idiots and believe in magic

(215)

While their owners fled Katrina, the dogs of New Orleans rode things out by farking like they were drunken frat boys at Mardi Gras

(96)

In a stunning blow to Toshiba's HD DVD format, "Fifth Element" and "Fantastic Four" to be released on Blu Ray

(395)

(CourtTV)

Retired judge headed for trial again on bench use of penis pump. In other news, he shaved his pubic area during closing arguments in high-profile murder case

(86)

Outback Steakhouse founder feels Tampa Bay Devil Rays have potential, especially as accompaniment to salad and baked potato

(56)

Nickelodeon star recovering after crash. Police say Mr. Squarepants was three times above the legal limit, and had several grams of heroin in his posession

(141)

"The bus driver allegedly swerved dangerously across the road and broke the speed limit several times as his girlfriend fondled, kissed and tickled him"

(50)

(wsoctv.com)

"Thank you for filling out your new Medicare benefit applications. Unfortunately, we must decline your request because the government has declared you dead. Have a nice day and be sure to contact us if you have additional questions"

(Star-Telegram)

Lotion thief makes smooth getaway

(35)

Ted Koppel joins Discovery channel. First up: A guest shot on Mythbusters during which Jamie and Adam try to figure out if Ted's hair is real and Ted investigates Fark's endless fascination with Kari Byron

(126)

Understanding of whale speech gains a whole new level with the discovery that blue whales have four distinct regional dialects. Confused probe coming to destroy Mars now instead

(Editor & Publisher)

Super Bowl XL: Come for the football, stay for the strippers, hookers and Cuban cigars just across the border in Canada

(179)

Gunmen steal adoptable cat from pet store

(68)

I must not drunk dial the judge. I must not drunk dial the judge. I must not...

(34)

Jets, Chiefs working on deal to trade Jets coach to KC for draft picks and a quarterback whose arm isn't falling off

(MetroWest Daily News)

Not bathing made kidnapper easy to identify, but might turn to his advantage in prison

(16)

Director of J.Lo's new movie mistakenly argues that it's being dumped because nobody wants to see J.Lo die

(96)

Missouri researchers find largest prime number, plan to celebrate by finding largest prime rib

(147)

Government considering spending $1.3 billion teaching elementary school students Chinese, now that they've finally mastered English

(113)

U.S. scientists analysing a century of data find that soccer is more exciting than football, baseball, basketball and analysing a century of data

(243)

If being a jerk or mooning were illegal in Maryland, this man would be in jail, but he isn't

(68)

Religious trends for 2006 includes Bible illiteracy

(356)

Dying vet fights for VA disability benefits because his brain tumor isn't on list of Agent Orange brain tumors

(72)

NJ coffeeshop sells "Judge Alito's Bold Justice" coffee. Not to be outdone, Ruth Bader Ginsburg markets "Ol' Ruthie's Triple Strength Pantyliners"

(22)

(Nicky Tesla)

Flames shooting across attic might be a sign you wired your pot farm wrong

(26)

Truck accident scatters 20 tons of potatoes along highway. Cleanup crew keeps eyes peeled for tanker full of ketchup

(29)

(Hammer of Truth)

Letterman to O’Reilly: "60 percent of what you say is crap"

(lots)

Child-porn owner Pete Townsend warns iPod users that they could end up with bad hearing just like he did. You know, from those groovy, far-out 1960s iPods they had back then

(93)

(ComingSoon.net)

Hollywood is out of ideas: Ocean's Thirteen

(105)

(Some Bird)

In an effort to be faith-friendly, Tyson foods offers prayer booklets on their website. Sample prayers include "Sweet Jesus, please don't let this chicken have bird flu"

Iran searching for parts to build a missile capable of carrying a payload of flowers, fuzzy puppies and love to the West

(329)

There once was an Arab emir, whose horses were deemed without peer. While "down under" with mates, he encountered the Fates, and now he's laid out on a bier

CNN main-page voyeurism: Watch as husband, 99, and wife, 87, run from wildfire (link goes to screencap)

Gwyneth Paltrow believes her home is full of dark energy and might be haunted. She has reportedly caught reflections of a pale, thin, ghostly person walking about the house

(87)

(Times Leader)

Lindsey Lohan to get butt nekkid in Vanity Fair. Magazine tour to begin after she finishes drama queening in Miami hospital

(146)

If you get fined $300 for disturbing the peace, you can either pay the fine and vow to behave yourself in the future, or you can douse yourself in gasoline and set yourself on fire in front of the judge

(Some Photoshopper)

Photoshop theme: Lots of work, pitiful results

(63)

Pro Football HOFer Lynn Swann to announce his candidacy for PA governor tonight, as country moves one step closer to being entirely run by ex-jocks, talk show hosts and has-been actors

(168)

(MetroWest Daily News)

Retiring teacher who celebrated his last day by kissing a student and grabbing her ass will be allowed to receive pension

(128)

(Light Reading)

Both Google and Wal-Mart deny reports that they are planning to market low-priced Google computers at Wal-Mart

CNN now reporting that only one of the miners found last night is still alive. "Sad" tag trumps "followup"

(½)

Woman -- hit in face by stray bullet while watching New Year's fireworks -- is forced to live with it lodged in skull. (With scary X-ray pic)

(247)

Sweden's "Pirate Party" advocates eliminating intellectual property laws, raping and pillaging

(128)

Eighteen tricks to teach your body

(136)

(WFMY)

Powerball winner who filed for bankruptcy seven months ago comes forward to claim his prize. Claims he'll never own another alarm clock

(110)

Women who are willing to give their breast milk to strangers are in high demand

Theme: Secrets of the deep

All other problems solved, British scientists seek to invent a liquid with holes

Japanese invent soy-sauce-dispensing chopsticks (pic)

Are you an alien abductee? Here are 58 common indicators of UFO encounters or abductions by alien beings. "Ass pain" must be No. 59

(164)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue January 03, 2006:

# of Comments

(WTFTV)

Man straps self to board, ties board to kite. Is surprised when he flies himself into a building

Missing WV miners: News reporting that 11 of 12 have been found

(∞)

(The Orlando Sentinel)

Man divorces wife, continues to share household without notifying her of her new "single" status

David Lee Roth says Van Halen reunion now inevitable, like death and taxes

(150)

Fred Durst contends, like Orson Welles before him, he is a cinematic genius held down by an industry run by player haters

(182)

Official Orange Bowl Discussion Thread

(√-1)

For those who fancy a little farming, there are now tiny cattle to go with it

Planet Hollywood restaurant at Toronto's CN Tower closes. Geddy Lee's jockstrap and Lawrence Gowan's hairpiece available cheap

(147)

Seattle fashion industry all about pushing the envelope. Their latest? Horizontal corduroy

Wisconsin teen arrested for selling attention deficit disorder drugs to students who weren't paying attention to school narc

"Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of 36 cubic yards of garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it"

(160)

(Small Town Misfit)

Nothing says Christmas like being held in a headlock by a naked man covered in beer

(43)

(Some Cool Wheels)

Photoshop this cool '59 concept car

(161)

(The Olympian)

Replacement Spokane mayor sworn in, vows to choose more discreet gay.com chat handle than predecessor

(104)

The bad news is that Pete Townshend is going deaf. The good news is that he is a third of the way to becoming a pinball wizard

(223)

(Anchorage Daily News)

Farker's father pulls a crash survivor out of his flaming truck. Difficulty: He is scheduled to have a knee replaced next month

(99)

Despite being No. 1 in the British singles chart, Crazy Frog named most irritating ad in 2005

(139)

Google and Wal-Mart expected to debut Google Cube, a no-frills computer. Super Google Brothers expected to be a smash

(301)

A pretty good way to spend the holiday is to steal 27 Baby Jesus statues from Nativity scenes and have a "Baby Jesus Burning Party"

(176)

Toni Braxton to appear in Playboy. Informs us that boobies are "dime a dozen," but you can't buy genitals

(148)

(Miami Herald)

Campaign to reteach national anthem kicks off today, so Jose can finally sing it by the donzerly light

(120)

When two Mormons go to your house to preach their message, do you: A) Tell them no thanks? B) Invite them in to hear them out? C) Kill one of them and fatally wound the other?

(622)

No threat to UK gas supply, says No. 10. No. 2 chuckles, prepares to unleash ill-tempered mutated sea bass

(FloridaToday.com)

Club promoters surprised that 850 teens at a dance club staging a "Hot Girls" contest could get out of hand

Mexican hotel revives the ancient Aztec sport of fireball field hockey

(Lowell Sun)

Jenna Jameson is more popular than Jesus Christ, except around Christmas

(93)

(XM Radio)

XM Radio to begin streaming in-car video, allowing a new generation of drivers to hunt down and destroy farmers markets

(96)

(Orlando Sentinel)

Disney resort forgets that soccer families and swingers conventions do not mix. Naked hilarity ensues

(183)

(WPVI)

One-legged man lies about being mugged so a sympathetic public would get him a new wheelchair

(35)

Media reports that Abramoff last seen heading toward fan with a bucket of something stinky

(629)

Major trove of ancient tools unearthed. Archaeologists wonder at meaning of cryptic inscriptions including "IBM XT," "1200 Baud" and "Commodore 64," the latter of which they assume to have been royalty

(271)

Delicious, delicious diamondback turtles seized from Asian food market by oppressive Department of Environmental Conservation officials. No word on how you are supposed to keep your penis hard and bring shame upon your enemies now

Russia, Ukraine resume gas talks, world's biggest fart contest

(73)

Indiana officials considering ''bad driver surcharge'' that would fine drivers who cause accidents leading to traffic jams. Women's groups planning protest

(212)

Put your own pets to good use by having them re-enact famous movie scenes or significant moments in history, but please don't harm them during the making of your film. Due Jan. 17th

Record-setting tropical storm Zeta blows into the North Atlantic, making it the second-oldest thing blown by a Zeta this year

(Tallahassee Democrat)

Tallahassee is all strip malls and Waffle Houses

(218)

Nation's largest teachers union averages a salary twice that of those they represent. That and they give gobs of cash to left-wing causes

(524)

Five credit-card companies grant woman $55,000 in loans despite her admission of having no income

(80)

Patients leaving their beds in British hospitals face new danger: Coming back and finding drunken homeless people using them for naps (with pic)

Burglar forgets to hang up a phone he had just stolen, allowing police to listen to his getaway. Jailarity ensues

(15)

Horse tires of the Central Park route, chooses to enter demolition derby

(35)

Washington, D.C. youths thank former mayor Marion Barry by carrying his groceries home for him, then robbing him at gunpoint

(106)

For sale: Two-headed, five-foot-long, albino rat snake. Bidding starts at $150,000

(87)

Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Biblical characters

(112)

The Mars rovers just won't stop roving. Expected to eventually replicate, resulting in an army of evil-rover descendants invading Earth in search of their creator

(108)

Erasable shower tablet developed to let you write down all the idea you have in the morning. Like, "Hey, I shouldn't pee in here"

(143)

Russian Olympic coach claims the best way to deal with post-match stress is to drink three shots of vodka after every game

(Denver Business Journal)

When driving drunk on New Year's Day, and you're trying to avoid a drunk-driving checkpoint, don't drunkenly drive straight into totally sober police officer

(69)

(timesonline.co.uk)

Italian judge orders priest to prove that Jesus exists

(π)

Library gets fed up with parents who think the place is a day-care center for their unruly, loud-ass brats; decides to lay down the law with steel fist

(139)

Colorado reviewing law, last updated in 1977, about whether software is a product or a service

Photoshop a Fark.com race car

(Watauga Democrat)

Local businesses pitch in to keep beer and wine store afloat in North Carolina mountain town

In order to get it to snow, some people throw ice cubes in the lake, while others run around outside in their underwear

Man celebrates new year by base-jumping off telecom tower 133 times

(32)

The all-important business etiquette question: When is it okay to jump the line for the office microwave?

(178)

(Mac Observer)

.Mac users notice their bandwidth is suddenly capable of downloading whole movies to iPods. Apple says it's a glitch

(495)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon January 02, 2006:

# of Comments

(Grand Forks.com)

North Dakota nightclub vows to put more clothes on its waitresses after civic officials claimed they were breaking local ordinances by "performing" and not waiting tables

(134)

(Argus-Liar)

South Dakota's village idiot festival starts up again. I wuz jus' shootin' at da road sign, ossifer

(49)

(Daily Record)

Today's headline that sounds dirty but actually makes no sense whatsoever: "Beeb Wins Bell Telly Ding-Dong"

Let her know how you feel, give her a bone: Bone rings, grown from their DNA, are now being exchanged between couples as a token of their love

(107)

Camilla costs Britons nearly $1 million a year to feed, stable and shoe

(120)

(WCPO)

Cincinnatians help provide a little cornhole action to troops deployed overseas

(140)

Study finds how popcorn works: Each kernel is home to a spirit, and as the popcorn is roasted, the spirits got madder and madder until they would shake their houses and finally burst out in puffs of angry steam. Or something

Chinese court sides with Starbucks and orders a Shanghai competitor, Xingbake, to change their name. The court said Xing means 'star' and bake sounds like 'bucks', and also orders them to pay $62,000 in restitution

(145)

(Regret the Error)

Chinese media typo/error bounty story linked by Fark is 10 years old, plagiarized

Man that fingered Maurice Clarett in recent robbery now saying he "can't be sure" if it was him or not. Doubt raised because the robber reportedly ran the 40 in 4.1, didn't whine and threaten legal action after the crime was committed

(75)

(Reflections)

Photoshop theme: Reflections

(105)

(Daily Record)

In the aftermath of committing a murder you may want to A) change your blood-soaked clothes; B) ditch the murder weapon and C) drive the speed limit. Or you could be like this genius

(41)

Pick the best photoshop image of 2005 used in a previous contest

(154)

Report shows that dogs deal with stress better if another dog is with them. Your dog wants an accomplice, or possibly a scapegoat

(Delaware Online)

Arrest warrants have been issued for a Middletown, Del. man who had to be rescued by helicopter after getting stuck in waist-deep mud when a would-be sexual rendezvous in a marsh went bad

(70)

New talking "Potty Time With Elmo" book freaks kids out by asking "Who Wants To Die?" (with video, audio from book)

(227)

The Rodney Dangerfield economy

(282)

Pope says religious fundamentalism is one of the greatest threats to world peace

(√-1)

Woman enters rare "Reverse Mile High Club", gives birth in airplane bathroom

(92)

13 miners trapped in WV following explosion

(247)

Give us a conversation between Henry Earl and the Crazy Cat Lady from "The Simpsons"

Man suing Waffle House over not being allowed to get a little milk for coffee. Plans to scatter, smother, cover, chunk, top, pepper, dice, and cap defense team

(157)

Survey finds most people don't get serious about losing weight until March. "January doesn't require you to take clothes off. In March, it's imminent."

(123)

Girl whose $175,000 violin was "stolen" last week "recovers" the instrument. Stradivarius still not impressed

(101)

(Some Francophile)

Photoshop your own vintage poster. Link goes to inspiration

(146)

Democrats are returning Jack Abramoff's money so they can pretend he only bribed Republicans. Republicans are returning Jack Abramoff's money so they can pretend they only have one big scandal

(299)

Minnesota Vikings celebrate final win of season by firing head coach Mike Tice in locker room

Man tries to sue authorities after he soils his trousers. Joins garbage man who was startled by dead badger, motorist who failed to see roundabout in broad daylight in list of U.K's most ridiculous insurance claims

Man arrested for doing 207Km/h (128 Mph) in his Lamborghini Diablo said he couldn't feel the speed in the vehicle

(231)

(STLToday)

St. Louis man keeps cobra as pet, secure in knowledge that pets don't bite the hand that feeds them. Story also mentions anti-venom was successfully airlifted

(82)

Hail Mary, full of grace, front your cash, I'll spare your face

(56)

Theme: Famous peoples' not-so-famous relatives

(113)

(Daily Record)

Lost female driver on highway fined for asking police officer for directions

(106)

(Some space cadet)

A very cool pic of a Space Shuttle at the exact moment a sonic boom occured

(144)

(WKYT)

Second floor of one-story office building discovered after 70 years

(144)

(Mirror)

British tax authorities drop plan to use spy satellite to track and bill homeowners for unauthorized renovation projects because British skies are too cloudy for it to work