Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2004-12-12 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Top Ten Trends for 2005. The Flying Car still not on the list

(MSN)

Outraged parent says to Ludacris, "Get out of my mall. Tiffany never started shiat here."

(Some Guy With a Snake)

Amazing series of pics of a snake eating a pig (kinda gross)

(132)

Australian women toll operators allowed to roll sleeves up so they do not have to expose their bras to passing motorists

(48)

(WCAX)

Eleven-year-old boy sets up "lump of coal" stand in front of his home

(mLive)

Polka band hoping to finally win a Grammy after being nominated 18 times

Nasa chief resigns. Says he's ready to leave "now that I got that mission patch."

(Some Fisherman)

NJ fisherman dies after hooking a bluefin tuna with a harpoon line that wrapped around his ankle and pulled him overboard

(54)

HBO insists that they don't use ad placements and that any product usage is critical to the story line

Head of NASA to quit. Will leave position in T minus one week

(21)

Love letters attached to Romeo and Juliet's castle to be thrown away, replaced with plaster boards, video screen that displays cell phone text messages

(20)

(Casper Tribune)

Colorado smokers to face 420% increase in cigarette taxes starting Jan. 1st, 2005, bringing prices to about fifty bucks a pack

(361)

(Zwire)

Samsung cheerfully repairs returned DVD player, asks only that you take your python out of the box first

Woman expecting twins delivers one baby, doctors order emergency C-section after second one doesn't pop out. 404 error ensues

Lawnmower rebel rides to Jerusalem to get his license back

(38)

More than half a million Florida students sat in classrooms last year in front of teachers who failed the state's basic skills tests for teachers; Fark's Florida tag will be around for generations to come

(135)

(Some Bunny)

Theme: Unlikely Playboy covers. (Difficulty: SFW)

(125)

(Journal News)

Neighbors still trying to figure out why "nice" man suddenly freaked out last night, running up and down the halls naked, before jumping out his third-floor window

Marine sacrifices finger to save wedding ring. Doctors lose ring

(247)

(New Kerala)

New hybrid seeds allow farmers to grow giant vegetables like 20-foot pumpkins and 2-ton green peppers

NFL player from Notre Dame will protest the school firing its football coach by being introduced with the high school he attended instead of the Irish

Saddam Hussein, several aides start hunger strike to protest 'ill treatment'

(213)

(Nashua Telegraph)

Team of twelve-year-olds, calling themselves "The Stephen Hawking Project", advances to national Lego championships with their Lego-bot

(48)

Football field sized pile of horse manure on fire in Montana. Now we know where all the political ads end up after elections

(51)

Man kills cougar with 7.5cm knife

(137)

This month's bills: $83 for heating, $31 for electricity, $74 for groceries, and $10 million for the fire I started (second story)

(49)

Just in time for church: How to spend taxpayer dollars to frighten virgins away from sex. Waiting until marriage will make you "really, truly,cool in God's eyes"

(272)

(Journal News)

Today's "Hey, somebody stole our pot plants" brought to you by *cough* the Spring Valley Police Department

(Lycos)

Photoshop "that Jane Goodall tramp"

(Emediawire.com)

Couple returning Gisele Bundchen's stolen dog for "no questions asked $5000 reward offer" gets arrested at gunpoint, cleared and left wondering where their $5,000 is

(190)

Would-be-burglers scared off by "Grand Theft Auto" video game

Anna Kournikova, victim of nipple profiling

Matsushita oxy nickel hydroxide super batteries to be sold in the U.S., all your portable electronics are belong to us

(68)

Entire Portuguese government resigns (seriously)

(59)

For sale: The world's first off-road motorhome

Not only is Hollywood running out of ideas, they're also running out of ways to combat online piracy

(184)

Man survives nail fired into his heart, says "Sweet. Can I go snowboarding tomorrow?"

(40)

(MaronStar.com)

Seventy-year-old pulled back to active service in Afghanistan. "Getting used to wearing boots and carrying a gun is a little unusual"

(253)

Michael Jackson and his accuser's fingerprints found on porno mag. Michael says, "Just beat it"

(174)

Fifty-four journalists killed worldwide in 2004. Convenience-store clerks not impressed

Photoshop this holiday greeting from the President and First Lady of the University of Kentucky

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat December 11, 2004:

# of Comments

Frightening lightning

(106)

Girl decapitated by kite string among seven dead at kite festival in Pakistan

(134)

The island of misfit toys is not the same as the museum of underappreciated games

(149)

How technology will change the media over the next 10 years

(128)

(New Kerala)

Children banned from Mary Poppins play because it depicts toys coming to life, asking where Sarah Conner is

(83)

(Some Bowler)

Minnesota man bowls perfect 900 series. You probably submitted this with a better headline

Honey plant asplodes

Witnesses to stabbing are dropping like flies while suspect is out on bond. Hmmm...

(57)

(Some Elmo)

We've seen Tickle Me Elmo, Hokey Pokey Elmo and Village People Elmo. What Elmo is in development for next year?

(169)

(QCTimes.com)

Hot cocoa sampler? Fark cliche invades newspaper headline

(109)

Pet owner under investigation for physically strangling 130-pound Rottweiler after it attacked her eight-pound Yorkshire Terrier named Candy. Your neighbors need to stop owning vicious, good-for-nothing attack dogs

(319)

(Some Gearhead)

Alton Brown, Fark's favorite TV chef, shows off his BMW motorcycle

(139)

Ten-year-old girl caught running with scissors in school. School calls cops. Handcuffedness, jailarity ensue

(209)

(Times-Union)

Fruitcake crusader vows to save the reputation of the reviled earth-toned loaves

When stormtroopers go bad

(173)

Doctor says that having good sex helps fight the common cold. Bad sex causes future headaches

(73)

Superintendent of schools questions the character of the teens who shared drugs or drank with his wife. He may be in denial, but that is not a firing offense

Study shows U.S. teens postponing sex, using more condoms. Also shows they're more likely to clean room, listen to Perry Como and look after the Beaver

(Florida Today)

What could go wrong when you strap three heavy rockets together? We will find out today

Mayor Daley removes city tax on beer, greatly pleasing certain fans of a certain team from a city that starts with a C, ends with an O and has HICAG in the middle

(84)

(Mississippi Ledger)

Woman feels really bad that her purse accidentally shot a high school student

Theme: Design disguises for Americans traveling abroad to hide their "Americaness"

(119)

(Some Bigger Boat)

Nova Scotia fishermen catch a shark that would make Quint crap his pants (pic goodness)

(345)

(InfoWeek)

Penn State tells 80,000 students to "chuck Internet Explorer, use Firefox, Mozilla, Opera or Safari instead"

(265)

Police raid wedding reception, confiscate gifts for back child support

(Some Lush)

Humanitarian crisis looms over Lithuania as police shut down three-kilometre-long vodka pipeline from Belarus. Thousands of Lithuanians in danger of sobering up

(39)

(DWLB)

Sci-fi vending machines

(131)

Archeologists unearth ancient ivory flute in German cave. Not having a bard in their party, have no way to tell if it's cursed or not

(57)

Wearing your Livestrong bracelet to the hospital could earn you a free piece of toe jewelery

Christmas isn't Christmas without 4,200 Santas kicking each other's ass in a drunken brawl

Wal-Mart sued over one instance of f-word on album for sale in stores. Personal responsibility curls up, dies and is blown away in the wind

(286)

Mormons who borrowed $18 million, convinced the world was ending, surprised to discover they have to pay the money back when prediction didn't come true

(186)

Fuel truck driver accidentally fills kerosene tank with gasoline. Gas station sells "kerosene" all day long before anybody notices

Woman goes "absolutely ballistic" after discovering a group of men digging a mass grave in her backyard

(61)

Student accused of eating roll-call list after cutting in line to get Cotton Bowl tickets

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri December 10, 2004:

# of Comments

Kerik withdraws nomination to head Department of Homeland Security

(229)

(The Secular Web)

Antony Flew, the atheist that changed his mind at 81, still an atheist. Has however changed his position on Santa Claus

(308)

Talking Houses all the rage in the real estate world. Dave Byrne wanted for questioning

(65)

(Powerline)

The Hummer armor bottleneck is not vehicle assembly, it's ceramic armor production capacity

(266)

Research discovers more cell phones destroyed by tight pants than by snow or throwing it to the ground in a rage

(femalefirst)

Flight attendants ask Britney Spears to cover stinky, stinky feet. Still trying to collect enough Febreze for her career

(129)

(Some Robot)

Make rap song using a "text to speech" application

Britain's Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents wants you to keep your ass off of the copy machine

Photoshop this Farker's old college professer next to this giant farkin' ant hill in Africa

(125)

Congress appropriates money to buy back the presidential yacht. No word on if the money is to come from Social Security, Pell Grants or Middle Eastern colonies

(143)

(WISTV)

♫ On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to meeeee... 5800 holiday-related injurieeees ♫

(65)

Damageplan shooter claimed lyrics were stolen and wanted to sue band, but settled for shooting them instead

(189)

Norway storing tons of nuclear waste behind a garage door in the middle of a city. But they do plan to do something about it in a few years

(Edmonton Sun)

The trials and tribulations of a shopping-mall Santa

(CP24)

Today's school shooting brought to you by Brampton, Canada. Yes, Canada

Reminder: Chicago Fark Party tonight at Jak's Tap

(136)

(Kentucky Post)

Shoe-store surveillance tape shows man "urinating on the shoes in a manner as to urinate on as many shoes as he could." If this were not enough, Covington police also searching for a flasher at large

(92)

Drunken soldier tries to get back to his barracks dressed as suicide bomber. Almost succeeds in becoming one

O'Reilly, Florida judge go nose to nose: "Somebody who sexually harasses women and then pays millions of dollars in a settlement to get out of it has no place criticizing me"

(323)

After many long hours of deliberation, OPEC decides once again to give western world the bird

(176)

(Newsfilter.org)

The lovely, talented and sometimes naked Naomi Watts (not safe for work)

(190)

Burger King manager fires employee after she refuses to give back the 10-foot-tall SpongeBob balloon he gave to her

(119)

(Some Vegan)

Today's "posting of Lukket's Fark Photoshop by someone believing it to be true" story brought to you by Moby

(257)

Scientists find off-switch for tuberculosis. Still no cure for cancer, but this ain't too bad

(134)

Vatican not amused with Italian school substituting Nativity play with Little Red Riding Hood. Doesn't care if Muslims are offended

(lots)

Images of Big Foot's wedding holding up final stages of anthrax cleanup

(44)

Mike Tyson's Desert Storm, courtesy of TSG

(The Inquirer)

One of five Britons buy their software via spam. In other news, BriT0n5 Ar3 teh No0B5..11..

Photoshop TFer AnthraxRipple and this airplane

Radio host sponsors cigarette collection drive for soldiers, has over 5000 packs donated by listeners. American Lung Association not pleased

(370)

Cooking-show host calls another cooking show host a "whore" for marketing -- gasp -- farmed salmon

(112)

Homeowner annoyed at letter from energy company that begins "Dear Paranoid Fool..."

(87)

Fed-up residents drop a sink from a high-rise apartment block on a car to shut the alarm up

(179)

Single-engine plane loses power, lands atop 18-wheeler, then crashes upside down on highway. Unhurt, occupants leap out of vehicles and yell "Taaa-daaah!"

Fark's favorite Powerball winner in the news yet again, this time on a much sadder note: His granddaughter is missing

Ten bands who never recovered from releasing a Christmas single

(175)

James Brown has prostate cancer; said not to be feeling so good after prostate exam

Emotional vigil for Dimebag Darrel. The crowd yelled out, "We got your bond, dude" as the streaker was led off in handcuffs

(220)

Keifer Sutherland's grandfather beats out Wayne Gretzky and that bitch Anne Murray, too, for title of "Greatest Canadian"

(290)

"So tell me, what is this 'anime' you speak of? For I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears." Mass media "discovers" something else we've all known about for years

(446)

If you haven't gotten your kid an XBox, PS2 or a Nintendo DS yet, your kid will be opening a big box of SOL this Christmas

(177)

George Carlin explains his Vegas tirade, blames nut-scratchers

(235)

American flights to Vietnam resume after 30 years

(97)

Icy planetoid beyong Pluto has mysterious internal heat source, possible alien civilization

(91)

Elderly man agrees to give up driving after one last cruise, promptly enters wrong lane of freeway and causes three-car accident

(27)

Inmate assaults another inmate with a porkchop. No word yet on whether it came with a side of tossed salad

(43)

Photoshop Adam Levine of Maroon 5 looking a lot like Chris Burke

(115)

(News-Messenger)

Emulating their favorite players, high school basketball players jump into stands and start throwing punches

(91)

(WRAL.com)

Old man "escapes" from nursing home (pic)

(142)

The wife of yesterday's dead car-surfer says he may have done it because of a brain parasite he got on a trip to Mexico

(87)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu December 09, 2004:

# of Comments

Mel Gibson buys a Pacific island. Asks Japan to be all moved out by Monday

(224)

Psychiatrist pays parking ticket with money smeared with fecal matter

(101)

If you plan on hiding in the women's locker room, shave your feet

(TheInquirer)

Doctors will soon be playing Pac-Man in your butt

Space station food running low, crew forced to tighten belt. Russia promised to send some, but they were probably drunk and don't remember

Hippo that escaped after thieves tore down fencing (see Fark 02/04) finally captured

Yankees fan faked injury, rode around in wheelchair for four weeks, lost his girlfriend just so he could watch Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS

(113)

Airport officials launch massive probe into tiny toilets

(Oregon Live)

One man's burger is another man's elephant's foot

Famous atheist now believes in God. Still undecided on Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy

(channel3000)

Brett Favre shaves his own head to support wife currently undergoing chemotherapy

(192)

(Popular Mechanics)

Lukket's "1954 computer" Fark Photoshop that's caused an Internet sensation is featured in Popular Mechanics

(209)

Marine originally thought kidnapped, not kidnapped, beheaded, not beheaded, deserted, not deserted, is now being charged with desertion

(WPVI.com)

Do not taunt Whiplash the Rodeo Monkey

Photoshop something that might be on really thin ice these days. Difficulty: No political entries -- way too obvious

(164)

Japan jerks its sperm banks around (site not safe for work)

(27)

Court rejects man's application to divorce, citing his absurd marriage record

(21)

Drunken Danish hecklers boo J. Lo off the stage during a performance

Bush administration's effort to create national database of possible terrorist targets bogged down due to third-grade comprehension skills

(222)

Hawks not impressed, start rebuilding nest. Snobs surrender

(111)

(KMBC)

Proprieter of ice-cream shop busted for dispensing his own personal custard

(131)

Experts advise Britons not to fight back against the increasing number of home invaders or they'll go to jail. In other news, it's legal to kill someone in your house in South Carolina

(Health Central)

America's fat kids are not showing all the medical problems that obesity should show. Doctors are confused, parents stop worrying. Monster Burgers for the house, please.

(164)

(omaha.com)

Shoplifter gives police false name, hands over Burger King Kids Club Card as identification. He didn't have it his way, either

Women deemed cleverer than men. Probably because we don't have distracting breasts that can be used to get what we want

(309)

Overpasses perfectly safe, says Tennessee Department of Transportation as they rush emergency repairs on 27 bridges

(23)

(Bloomberg)

Armor supplier says it could boost output if Army asks for it. But they haven't

(287)

(wnbc.com)

Old and busted: Gentleman's Clubs. New hotness: Performing Arts Centers

(78)

Bored during Red Hot Chili Peppers' six-month hiatus, guitarist records and releases six albums

(103)

(The Iowa Channel)

Today's "40 dogs, 16 cats, 14 chickens, seven ducks, two monkeys, four goats, two burros, a rabbit and a potbellied pig in one house" story brought to you by Des Moines, IA

Bill O'Reilly reads a letter from Jack Mehoffer, still awaiting comment from Mike Hunt and Heywood Jablowme

(277)

Olive Garden: When you're here, you're family (gets larger)

(300)

London Underground admits it hunts for spare parts on Ebay

(96)

Man accused of rape, says he was sleeping, falsetto voice on phone corroborates, jury acquits

Newlyweds paraded nude for not seeking parents' consent; jailarity ensues (site not safe for work)

(37)

New Zealand proposal: "Up-skirt" camera pervs may face some "up-the-sphincter" jail time

"The Beatles: Thanks to these four, Britain's high watermark of musical creativity is still considered to be pub rock made by white idiots"

(330)

Infinite music quiz: Type in any band name you can think of to create a "name that tune"-style music quiz

(192)

(Financial Times UK)

Japan pissed off that ashes of missing Japanese woman returned by North Korea actually consist of two other people. Oops

Amazon forest burning has made Brazil world-leading polluter. U.S. annoyed, re-doubles efforts to become No. 1 again

(124)

Congratulations, English speakers: You are fully proficient in the offical World Language of Planet Earth. The rest of you just speakee... very... slowly...

(295)

(NBC4i.com)

At least five dead, two wounded after man takes stage at concert, starts shooting. Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell Abbot confirmed dead (bumped this link up the page because people were missing it)

(Boston Herald)

City of Boston to allow parking tickets to be paid off with Toys For Tots of equal value

(nydailynews.com)

Drunken asshat attacks a Nativity scene by throwing two magi, two sheep, and Joesph into traffic

(165)

(Contact Music.com)

Perhaps we've become numb when a song about transvestites on acid -- featuring a music video where band members are spanked and ridden by midgets -- sounds boring

(106)

K-9 plays fetch the ball with naked suspect

Cops pepper-spray street-brawling Santas

(Arizona Republic)

"I never even thought I'd come across meeting Mike Tyson, let alone having him on top of my hood"

(76)

(Some Scurvy Dog)

Photoshop this game of Pirate Checkers

(102)

Property dispute turns weird when one of the parties threatens the other's daughter with "rapist dogs"

(75)

Year's supply of beer offered in search for missing tiger in Singapore. Drew last seen packing his bags

(28)

Attention traveling farkers: If you're passing through ATL today, call your airline. Big delays. DIT

(156)

Highest scoring international soccer player (male or female) Mia Hamm retires from U.S. team. Hubby Nomar forced to actually earn a paycheck

That hot laptop on your lap could have you shooting blanks

(79)

Dom Perignon Champagne killed by gunman. Boones Farm sought for questioning

(59)

Why human flesh tastes like chicken. Here comes the science

Co-founder of AmWay dies at 80. Everyone in the pyramid just went up a level

(150)

Police raid brothel in deserted pig farm. Displaced swine demand thorough clean-up

(22)

State and federal agriculture officials to use satellite surveillance on Brazil's citrus crop in attempt to gain competitive advantage

Canadians depend on luck for national security

(lots)

Santa brings bags of marijuana to school children

(26)

NASA's longest-serving astronaut to retire before he finds an intergalactic farmers market

(28)

Truck driver spends a penny, wins a million bucks. ♫ Get your kicks on Route 66 ♫

(72)

(WMTW)

Politicians slip some wild horse and burro meat into their steady diet of pork

Profane painting from 1628 -- showing inebriated villagers drinking, fighting, kissing, urinating, dancing, vomiting and defecating -- has been sold for $7 million. (Sadly with no pics)

Law of gravity apparently repealed. Man falls out of Mercedes' moon roof while driving

Woman's house catches on fire, tells firefighters she has three babies inside. Firefighters risk lives to find out "babies" meant "cats." Fire chief not amused

(175)

Sparrows learn entire songs from snippets, still unable to decipher lyrics to "Louie Louie"

(33)

Photoshop this pick-up artist

(84)

Locked-out NHL stars, Tara Reid, and Kid Rock crash Univ. of Michigan house party

(86)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed December 08, 2004:

# of Comments

Man assults clerk with burger. Apparently you can't have it your way

(60)

(DeansPlanet)

Charlotte Church decides to just say hello by showing us her boobies. Probably not safe for work

Honestly officer, I’m a midget, not a 10-year-old boy driving a stolen furniture truck on the highway

(36)

Man says lost city of Atlantis was never lost -- it’s actually in Tampa, Florida

Crowds, a book and TV show attest to the impressive spectacle of red-tailed hawks nesting in midtown Manhattan. Snobs not impressed, have nest torn down

(Tonganoxie Mirror)

TV news crew shocked that fertilizer business sells fertilizer, buys some, then dishes out some of their own

(99)

(Court TV)

Florida police launch "Operation Grinch Who Stole Christmas," make deadbeat dads pay up so kids can have a happy holidays

(77)

Lottery winner turns to crime after depleting his winnings

Researchers invent cell phone that would only need to be charged once a year. Can't be released until they can all agree on which annoying ringtone it should use

Scott McNealy the latest victim of Fark's U.S. Navy photograph photoshop contest

Oh, the humanity

(Duluth Superior)

Thieves steal 300-pound safe without anyone noticing

(23)

Government won't admit the "Whale" is an alien spaceship

(89)

(Mirror.co.uk)

Man discovers he has two-inch nail embedded in his skull after four years of headaches

(62)

Collection of weird fortune-cookie fortunes. That wasn't chicken

(117)

(Green Forest Tribune)

Make sure you get your kid what he wants for Christmas, otherwise he may cut off your head with a butcher knife

(99)

(Oregon Daily Emerald)

University of Oregon columnist would be excellent student, if it weren't for those stupid grades, exams, quizzes and projects

(279)

Town replaces annual 20-foot Christmas tree with a four-foot potted plant

Photoshop this sap sip

British department store Marks and Spencer creates in-store playpen for husbands while wives are Christmas shopping

(90)

(Gazette.net)

Students wonder what the big deal was over "controversial" condom video shown to select health-ed classes. Opinions ranged from "It was so boring" to "I didn't like that they used a cucumber"

(190)

Nudism is fastest growing sector of Canadian tourism

(93)

Man invents pan that detects when a boilover is about to occur, instructs stove to turn down heat, find Sarah Conner

World's largest snowball fight approved. Bonus fruitcake fling promises to pollute lake in a heavy way

(54)

(Defense Tech)

The navy really does want sharks with friggin' lasers on their head

(91)

Top meteorologists conclude that thunder is the sound of fat people doing jumping jacks

Scientists study Vinland map to see whether it's an authentic pre-Columbus chart of North America's coast, or a modern fraud. The fact that it shows the location of every Tim Horton's donut shop in Nova Scotia should be a dead giveaway

(102)

Dick Clark hospitalized for stroke

(191)

Tribal leader says some "hobbits" still exist. He knows because his village captured one

(GovExec.com)

USDA Headquarters closed after someone stabbed a janitor. Victim is reported to be in stable condition, Grade B

(47)

As if he wasn't strange enough in life, ODB's autopsy reveals a white plastic bag full of cocaine in his stomach

(188)

Shoplifter stuffs four lamb joints, three chickens, stock cubes, two kilos of fruit, chillies, burgers, garlic, peppers, socks and a pair of underpants down her dress -- then claims it is her people's custom to take things and pay later (with pic)

(197)

Man enters bathroom fixtures store and drops two things: First his trousers, then a deuce

(109)

(wsoctv.com)

Parents go on strike from rotten kids. Pitch tent, move into front yard as protest

(266)

(Hernando Today)

Suspect fights off five police officers, is not slowed down by a full can of pepper spray to the eyes, multiple taserings or attacking police dogs. Afterwards, says he might have smoked PCP, but he isn't sure

Norwegian candidate for Miss World nude in public. (Probably not safe for work)

(155)

Gorillas hold wake for dead gorilla. Arguments over who gets the tire swing and the good china ensue

(256)

One out of four people buy broadband for porn. In other news, three out of four people lie on surveys

(166)

(Some Helium Talker)

Photoshop this cluster balloonist launching from atop a regular hot-air balloon

(128)

Drug company rethinks "Immaculate Contraception" ad campaign for morning-after birth control pill

(ABC13.com)

When you want to set fire to an ATM with a lighted cigarette in a deposit slip, don't look at the camera and don't use your own ATM card (with pics)

(44)

Norway's massive stone phallus... er, sculpted tourist attraction... has been vandalized

No point changing the headline: "Love expert fingered over breast fondling quackery"

(Local10.com)

Screaming motorcyclist on hood of car apparently not important enough for driver to stop

(149)

Roadside billboard featuring naked woman on all fours considered potential driving risk (w/pic potentially NSFW)

(230)

University of Pittsburgh linguist publishes paper on the origins of the word "dude"

(96)

(The Olympian)

Heavy metal causes cataracts. Country can lead to neck rashes

(Sun Herald)

Naked woman insists she's Jesus

(79)

Miami Dolphins receiver David Boston arrested at Burlington International Airport. Punching female gate agents in face not OK

Soldiers get some face time with Rumsfeld, ask him why they have to dig through dumps to find their own vehicle armor

(Marshfield News)

Local cops stand behind tasers. Mainly because it's damn painful to stand in front of them

O Penis Tree, O Penis Tree. You give Tuscans so much pleasure

Church officials not amused by Nativity tableau depicting David Beckham as Joseph and wife Victoria as the Virgin Mary. Having Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh as The Three Wise Men not going over well either

(143)

Study concludes beloved comicbook character Tintin suffered from hormone deficiency and concussions

(88)

Photoshop Farker test-driving a Segway. Difficulty: Somehow robbing him of even more dignity

(126)

Philadelphia city councilman proposes a bill that would fine parents who bring their crying, loudass, annoying babies to movie theaters

(382)

Not to be outdone by the UK, Canada's sex-ed classes feature porn sites

New worries for OPEC: Oversupply. Yeah, O-V-E-R-S-U-P-P-L-Y

(264)

(A Chicago TFer)

A friendly reminder... Chicago Fark Party this Friday, December 10th, at Jaks Tap

What do you think this woman is saying to the nice, big, very tall officer?

(201)

Somebody stole 14,000 cases of Miller Lite in Indy

(97)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue December 07, 2004:

# of Comments

Sprewell suspended for comments to female heckler. Later plans to open for George Carlin in Vegas

(In-Forum)

When getting a Rolex watch appraised, make sure the appraiser isn't the one you stole it from

(HeraldSun.com)

Bob Barker donates $1 million to have Duke spayed and neutered. Duke still sucks

(Astronut!)

From the "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" file: The shuttle may go into space without repair kit

(54)

Human skull in handbag found by woman at bus stop

Cops unimpressed by herds of rent-a-protesters

(MedicalNewsToday)

British schools try to demystify sex by giving kids porn

(124)

New York City bogarting nation's flu vaccines

Eight-year-old girl suspended after attempting to sell Jell-O shots at school

TV exec discovers what we already knew: That nobody watches golf because it's boring as hell

(96)

Photoshop this horny animal

(152)

In wake of BALCO scandal, record for home runs in one year reset to 49

(116)

Nomar Garciaparra lands one-year contract for $8 million, which is $40 million less than the offer he turned down from the (world champion) Red Sox last year

(139)

Japan's biggest export after cars that don't suck is women who do

(153)

Bay Area city councilman ticketed for having a girly-man car

Archaelogists uncover world's oldest backgammon set, still unsure of what that weird "doubling cube" is for

(57)

The first stop is in Bogota / to check the Colombian fields / giant plants resist herbicides / eight times more coke they yield

Apparently, Pittsburgh is just one big urinal. "Potty Police" aren't going to take it anymore

(93)

Two thousand years ago, Iranian women could be great warriors. Today, after centuries of religious enlightnment, they can't even attend a soccer game

(348)

Detroit Tigers outfielder (2004 salary: $335,000) arrested for shoplifting $30 belt

Bush and new head of Homeland Security share ideas on fiscal policy

(245)

(FemaleFirst.co.uk)

John Lennon saw aliens while in bed with Yoko Ono. Later, she put her clothes back on

(sbsun.com)

John Finn, 95, the sole surviving Pearl Harbor Medal of Honor recipient, talks about shooting a .50 caliber at Zeroes 63 years ago

(230)

Fat Americans break ship. "We have 10 restaurants on board, so if they are big when they get on, they tend to be bigger when they get off"

(161)

Rescue teams called out to help parachutist ditching into the sea. Rescue squad arrives to discover it's only an action figure

Jimmy Carter's grandson has been accused of burglary; says it was just that damned killer rabbit again

Man wants to build 20-foot Jawa sandcrawler model. The Empire... er township council... might not let him because it "might not fit in architecturally"

Urine samples stolen from court building. Police resort to having to tell suspects: "Urine trouble"

Sixteen-year-old is the youngest ever U.S. chess grandmaster, which should soothe his ego as he faces years of not getting laid

Company touting its clever and never-before-thought-of idea of Americans pretending they're Canadian when they travel abroad

(ClickOnDetroit.com)

Telemarketer sends threatening letter after woman hangs up on him

(300)

Stowaway, who shipped himself via packing crate, confined to yet another small space

Food Bank receives the spirit of Christmas toking with latest shipment of watermelons

South Korea renames condom because half of country had similar sounding name

(87)

American taxpayers unaware of conspiracies of the scientific world

(Fosters Online)

Highschoolers want to read Catcher in the Rye, arguing they already drink, smoke, and have sex

(371)

(Lancaster Online)

Like many other bad ideas that seem good at the time, do not record your roommate in the nude without his permission

(pittsburghlive.com)

University reproductive biologists clone monkey embryos hoping one will grow up to coach Notre Dame

(111)

(Chillicothe Gazette)

Man attempts suicide by turning on the natural gas in his house. Fails to commit suicide, but successfully blows his house up in spectacular fashion

(101)

After buying 50 brand-new police cruisers, city council waffles on whether to approve budget to recruit actual police officers to drive them

(52)

(Philly Burbs)

Man is arrested for having a lateral monopoly. Selling marijuana through his aptly named pizza shop, "Munchies"

(48)

(WOAI)

Small town declares floating Jesus Christ as "surplus property"

(40)

Amputees hit the slopes, mostly with their faces and rear ends

(Press and Sun Bulletin)

Man who coated hotel room with Vaseline slips out of jail time, sentenced to three years probation

(Discovery Channel)

Scientists train giant African rats to detect land mines. Reportedly go "BOOM" when one is found

(Do Not Eat)

Photoshop products being used in direct defiance of the manufacturer's warning label

(156)

Hometown of Miss Universe winner has stopped erecting congratulatory signs because they're stolen as fast as they're put up

Most dubious news stories of 2004

(182)

(Local10.com)

Online university sued after awarding business degree to cat. Cat insists degree was earned fairly

(113)

George Carlin unloads on audience and the stupidity of Vegas tourists on his last night ever at MGM Grand

(430)

New study shows how to make consumers shop until they drop

Wales releases five best TV license evasion excuses: "The TV is to keep the cat warm -- we don't watch it"

(341)

Motley Crue to reunite for world tour, new CD. Rumors that tour will be sponsored by Geritol and Fibercon unconfirmed

(183)

AudioEdit "twas the night before Farkmas"

(26)

(Boston Dirt Dogs)

For the deluded Yankees fan who has everything, get your New York Yankees 2004 Al Champs sweatshirt

(247)

Opportunity to participate in the search for Amelia Earhart to be auctioned off on Ebay

Photoshop this Afghan officer auditioning for Karate Kid IV

Salma Hayek's breasts considered sacred by Mandinka tribe of Africa

(170)

Online casino buys "ghost cane" for $65,000 -- to be placed next to famed grilled cheese

(Mustard Man)

Fark Party, Toronto, December 18th. Nug/Mustard Man and sketch troupe Minnesota Wrecking Crew LIVE at Second City. (Scroll down for listing)

(60)

(E! Online)

Paris Hilton arrives at Hollywood producer's party to find guests viewing her homemade porn (second story)

(124)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon December 06, 2004:

# of Comments

Today's "teacher having lesbian sex with 14-year-old student with whom she performed witchcraft and then 'wed' in a pagan ritual" story brought to you by Detroit, MI. (Very scary pic included)

(310)

(bordermail.com.au)

Pepper spray cannot stop invincible naked man

(67)

(Lunton Daily Citizen)

If you're going to pass out in the wrong house, at least keep your underwear on

(44)

Leonardo DiCaprios' line from Titanic, "I'm the king of the world," voted cheesiest movie line

(327)

The Internet bubble didn't die, it just moved to China

(62)

Guy and his friends park SUV on Sunset Beach. After high tide and a few beers, hilarity ensues (pic)

(95)

Photoshop this huskie. Mush. Mush.

(116)

(human events)

Calling $100,000 grant to Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil "pork funding" only serves to undermine his credibility

Great moments in asshat history: Senator Ted Kennedy proposes $3.5 million project to pay tribute to... himself

(285)

Having not passed the intelligence reform bill after 9/11, politicians give MLB just 30 days to clean up their act on steroids

(110)

Looking for new ways to annoy the neighbors? How about three million Christmas lights visible from 80 miles away?

Classic "educational" flimstrips remain hilarious today

Intelgents bill impasse fixd, we all now get smarter

(Fosters)

Today's "man tries to outrun police on riding lawnmower" story brought to you by Dover, NH, with added Molotov cocktail goodness

Greek lawyers -- who were going to sue Oliver Stone for making Alexander the Great look so gay -- are dropping the case after seeing the film, stating that the flick "is just not worth it"

(115)

Officials defend Ohio rank as top Amber Alert issuer. In other news, WOLF

(101)

Rosa Parks is stirring up trouble again, this time refusing to pay rent

(191)

(National Review Online)

Amusing excerpts from the guestbook at the Clinton Double-Wide Library

Since the chances of having any NHL hockey this season aren't too good, Canadian amateur players want a shot at the Stanley Cup

(The Raw Story)

In sworn affidavit, programmer says he developed vote-rigging prototype for Florida congressman

Bob Denver to play a West Virginian Santa Claus in a Toys for Tots campaign

(VOA)

The militants walked in for Jeddah jazz. I said, he ain’t here, but he sure went past. Oh, you’re looking for Jeddah jazz

(67)

(Media Week)

99.8 percent of all FCC complaints were filed by the Parents Television Council

Photoshop this Farkette's pirate boss, ar

(119)

For sale to Central Kentucky Farkers: the use of one slightly-used radio morning show stunt boy. Some assembly may be required

City hires private firm to determine why their lovely scenic town smells like ass

NBA bad boy Latrell Sprewell responds to female heckler by asking her to perfom sex act. Courtside mic picks up his FCC violation on live TV

(258)

Exercise has no real health benefits for some people, most of whom will inevitably comment in this thread

Kelly Osbourne says she only plays fat on TV. Also, Ozzy is actually charter member of MENSA

(134)

City sanitation workers rack up more than $7000 worth of personal calls on city-issued cell phones Will keep jobs because they weren't told in advance that it violated city policy

(The Mirror)

There are scary things in peoples' attics. In this case, it's a huge melting chunk of airline poo ice

(61)

(Chartattack)

World's Largest Poutine to be constructed on December 11th in Toronto

(120)

New literacy program has kids reading to dogs. Dogs apparently appalled at the ending of "Old Yeller"

(125)

Thai government's "peace birds" are less than completely effective. Responses range from murder to arson

(174)

Nativity plays boost sales of tea towels and hay-fever medicine

(30)

(Des Moines Register)

Police find man stumbling around street, discover he had consumed two entire bottles of mouthwash. "He was friendly and cooperative, just not doing so well walking. He had good breath, though"

(M90.org)

She sucks at tennis, but Anna K. sure can wear the hell out of a bikini (safe for work)

(239)

(LancasterOnline.com)

Coming soon to dozens of military bases around the country: Radio signals strong enough to jam nearby garage-door openers

Talk-show host has the solution to the BCS mess. Claims he'll fix electoral college, deal with the FCC and cure cancer sometime later

What do crocodile dung and beaver-testicle tea have in common?

(62)

Paris Hilton insists she's not a party girl, despite drunken crappy blowjobs to the contrary

(261)

Photoshop this cross-country skier

Stevie Wonder raps Eminem for his lack of vision

(221)

Man begs judge to let him plead guilty and be put to death as soon as possible. Before trial even starts

(92)

Canada purchases rights to "The Land of the Free" from USA

(287)

(Local10.com)

Santa swims with sharks (pics)

One in four men think "stocking stuffer" is a euphemism . The Sun is there, sitting in the dark, smoking a cigarette (NSFW ads)

(63)

Nigerian villagers seize Shell oil platforms, haven't yet worked out how to deposit them in your bank account if you just give them the number

(170)

Swiss soccer player loses finger in goal celebration; is then booked for excessive celebration

(theledger.com)

Ay caramba, cantante de Menudo ahora oficial de policía lastimó en un accidente de coche

(78)

Drunk elderly man arrested for staggering around park, kicking girls who had pierced ears

Drew will be on the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ at 7:00 AM PST

(78)

Canada's new $130,000 jeeps come with a cool feature: Pre-cracked floorboards. We tell'em to buy American but they never listen

Spanish bombs, yo te quiero infinito. Yo te quiero, oh mi corazon

(241)

Hunter stops to take a leak, accidentally shoots himself in the ass

(40)

(Info Week)

Microsoft sues seven spammers, sending some sages scrambling

New main page: Drop a train on 'em, Edgar

(Some croc cap guy)

Photoshop cute Japanese chicks who have taken their love for Metal Gear too far

(Green Bay Press-Gazette)

Wisconsin teens on Taco Bell run save house from burning down

(76)

Naked man decides to go for stroll. Jailarity ensues

(32)

Tomb full of decapitated bodies found in Pyramid of the Moon. Still no cure for lack of head

Wheaton River sold for $2.09 billion. Corey Jerry a bargain for $0.36

(art of love)

Just boobs (not safe for work)