Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2004-11-21 23:59:59'

# of Comments

(KSTP)

Hunter goes bazerk in WI, at least five dead

Lawyer going to jail for telling witness to lie. Tag uses Irony as 1) synonym for sarcastic (dealing with my comment), 2) see definition 3-A Merriam Webster for Irony (dealing with the process)

(37)

Ron Artest suspended for the remainder of the season. Your dog wants self defense

(165)

McCain not ruling out another presidential bid

(222)

Locusts descend on Israel. Osiris promises to lead Egyptians to freedom, part the Red Sea

Baggy pyjamas save toddler from fall; stock in Hammer-pants to soar. No word from Jagged Metal

(39)

State dinner in Chile cancelled because foriegn dignitaries refuse to submit to US security screening. Bush responds, "Guess we're goin' to Applebee's"

(some guy)

Official Grey Cup discussion thread

(375)

(Times of India)

Cybercafe owner arrested for illegal Shwaas. May the Shwaas be with you

(This is Local London)

Three burglars break in while third-degree black belt is at home. You want Karate?

Researchers asking congress to fund porn addiction studies. Most of the money earmarked for Kleenex

(73)

(Some Farker)

Farker DrWebster lost his USB flash drive. Photoshop its current whereabouts (link goes to image of drive)

(112)

A gallery featuring The Thighmistress, Suzanne Somers (safe for work, and 100% Joyce Dewitt-free)

(92)

(www.ctv.ca)

All potholes filled, West Vancouver cracks down on smelly restaurants

(50)

(Chef Paul)

Because discriminating farkers demand it: this year's turducken recipe

(134)

(Daily Times)

Mayor who set up a direct hotline for people to call with civic problems is asking bored housewives to stop inviting him round for sex. As an alternative he suggests using the Fark Personals

Over 5000 Apple worshippers stand outside in the cold all night to converge on London's first store

(243)

A mysterious invisible cloud carried an odor that left sour faces, in possible related news the church bean supper had a record turn out

(37)

Some shih tzu has eight puppies, cat helps with feeding

I can copy it. I can paste. But I don't understand "Quantum Astronomy: The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle"

(301)

(News Journal)

Crazy Mennonite cyclist turns the other cheek to those who robbed him. "Outside of hitting me, they were nice about it."

(103)

Glaucoma risk goes up with long-term computer use. In completely unrelated news, there's no time like the present to check out Fark's fabulous sponsors

Escalator with option to turn steps into platform for wheelchairs changes mind, sends man & wheelchair tumbling down stairs

Canadians gear up for Grey Cup by riding horses in posh hotel

(99)

St. Louis Fire Department has a problem with new Cardinals stadium. Mainly that motorists on Interstate 64 can reach out and slap fans in the nosebleed seats

Photoshop this dam view

(newkerala.com)

9,000-year-old skeleton named "Julia Roberts" because of its perfect teeth

(Some Soaphead)

Step 1: Buy soap. Step 2: Carve soap. Step 3: Get a life

(Business Wire)

At 2,100 pounds, Eagle Foods creates world's largest slab of fudge

(onlypunjab.com)

Man turns his beer-can insulation into home insulation

(27)

(Katu)

After years of getting on them, son receives gift of mother's nerves

Man pitches tent on roof of adult-book store being investigated for obscenities

MI-5 returns to A&E in January

(53)

(MSN)

How to steal WiFi and how to keep neighbors from stealing yours

NASA's Cassini spacecraft will blast 14 minutes of pure Rock n' Roll into space as it passes Saturn's moon, Titan

(98)

American, Chilean security agents get into shoving match outside dinner for world leaders. President Bush steps in, keeps Secret Service agent from getting an ass-whooping

(189)

Kuwaiti government considering giving every citizen $680 handout thanks to record high oil prices

(104)

(Some Spokesman)

Jared of Subway ad fame: Genuine hero of the overweight, or smarmy jackass who deserves a kick in the teeth?

(186)

Australians are fatter than Americans

(141)

San Francisco at it again. City plans to tax grocery bags

(182)

(WWII Nose Art)

Photoshop theme: WWII pilots would decorate their aircraft with "nose art." Photoshop some new ones. Link goes to examples

(105)

Direct from the Missed Opportunities Department comes the story of two college students returning a lady's purse, failing to notice $43,000 in cash

(144)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat November 20, 2004:

# of Comments

ESPN breaks down other famous fan-vs.-player incidents over the years

(74)

I hate how people throw trash in roadside ditches. Old tires and mattresses are bad enough, but half a house?

(about.miami.com)

Naked Air to offer first ever all-nude flight this May

(Novinite)

Suicide bomber killed after prematurely asploding

(90)

The Cowboys are still screwing the Indians

The touching story of a black-magic monk

(www.pressconnects.com)

We're going to have to see some ID before you kids can play dodgeball

Looking to get lucky? Dr. Ruth says to try jury duty

Neat writing foils prescription-forgery attempt

Tony Blair invites top academic professionals, scientists to take part in "raw and live" sex

(NBC 17)

Because the don't rip the tag off your mattressworked so well, a new bill before Congress may criminalize fast-forwarding DVD ads, trailers

(249)

Jail time for cell-phone ringing. Finally, society takes a step in the right direction

(149)

(Rapid City Journal)

Striking union newspaper workers start their own paper so people can still get the news

(74)

Authorities set to burn 10-tons of illegal imitation Legos

"Rapper hit on Napper in Crapper"

(51)

Marine rushes home from Iraq after pregnant wife wounded in random shooting

(112)

Photoshop this Chinese acrobat and her plates

Having nothing else better to do, scientists create machine that ensures that you never grab a closed pistachio nut again

(poynter,org)

TV meterologists to actually undergo testing to get their new high falootin' American Meteorological Society Certified Broadcast Meteorologist Seal

British government decides people need to cut down on eating, drinking, smoking and sex. Breathing still allowed on alternate days

One player from Pistons stayed on the bench during the big fight with the Pacers. He's now the biggest pussy in the NBA

(198)

Polish hostage in Iraq released. Someone remembered Poland

(130)

New Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova to outstrip sex symbol Anna Kournikova (pics)

(The Oregonian)

Mom is shocked to discover that there is porn on the Internet, even if you use a library computer

(262)

Police respond to flaming woman in an alley

What are your favorite pizza toppings?

(333)

Fists were flying. So were cups, plastic bottles and even a chair in one of the ugliest NBA brawls ever

(331)

(Glossy News)

Fileswapping crackdown ressurects BMG and Columbia House fraud

(88)

(News Herald)

Shy children come out of their shells when they read to animals

Man turns 21 years old, goes binge drinking with Darwin

(112)

Man cuts off ATM thieves' penises with knife, doesn't ask for receipt

(110)

Theme: A Farker arrives at the Pearly Gates

(24)

The Sharks of History. Photoshop this Great White meeting only the biggest, the baddest, the best

(132)

78-year-old man gives arse whoopin' to 30-year-old purse snatcher

Trucker gives panhandler $1, then runs over him while driving away

(59)

Going to church is bad for your health only if your church is one of those candle and incense-burning congregations

(49)

Prepare to loosen that belt boys, because Thanksgiving dinners are good for your health. Here comes the turkey

(30)

Swiss teenagers smoke the most cannabis in Europe. Dude, don't bogart those Lindt bars

(KLAS TV)

Football field-sized black triangles sighted flying over cities. Bust out the tinfoil hats

(207)

18,000-year-old frozen wooly mammoth arrives in Japan for the 2005 World's Fair. In other news, the world still has a fair

(45)

(Read the article)

Couple swept to sea by Hawaiian flash flood, blame guidebook. In related news, Brady boys return tiki to burial cave

(61)

Man accused of posing as a plastic surgeon pleads not guilty. Among his accomplishments: Giving Mr. Mexico breast implants

Photoshop this building going down

(126)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri November 19, 2004:

# of Comments

NBA game between Detroit and Indiana ends in fight, judge orders teams to split the furniture and CD collection

(Some Canadian Guy)

From the nation that wants to decriminalize marijuana: "Let's outlaw trans fat."

(186)

Save 10% on anal massage at Target

(143)

New crime wave gripping Alabama: Porta-potty tipping

(Gothamist)

Meet Dr. Victoria Zdrok, who has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree. She's also Penthouse Pet of the Year for 2004 (SFW)

(84)

Shopkeeper: Black Widow spiders in grapes because customers want them that way

(59)

(Washington Times)

Colorado River takes long-awaited bathroom break. Grand Canyon becomes the toilet

Latin-American cinema exploding with creativity, gigantic breasts after shaking off the shackles of decades of military dictatorship...

(27)

Dumbass criminal leaves his prison paycheck at crime scene

(20)

Police are on the lookout for a flasher wearing womens' underwear. "It's semi-weird, but I've seen weirder," says detective

(33)

U.S. intelligence sources on Iran may not be reliable, but it's not like that's stopped us before

(257)

(TAMU)

Texas A&M University is the newly crowned champion of intercollegiate meat judging. Sororities unavailable for comment

(91)

Weighing all options carefully, court decides to give custody of three girls under age 10 to a man convicted of raping a 13-year-old

(181)

Amateur Georgia decorator decides to do her own version of "While You Were Out." Jailarity ensues, with video

(49)

(Rollling Stone)

Welsh radio station bans remake of "Do They Know It's Christmas" because it's "awful rubbish"

Seinfeld's Puffy shirt will be on display at Smithsonian. Donald Trumps toupe' sure to follow

(Winona Daily News)

Wal-Mart employees are supposed to greet you and smile if you come within 10 feet of them

(222)

"We cannot come out and say that (former U.S.) President John F. Kennedy was a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team and so Warner cannot come out and say Alexander was gay"

(341)

No confidence vote in Kofi Annan fails

(205)

(WCCO)

Internet matchmaking service found liable for bad marriage. In other news, world flooding expected to occur due to drooling lawyers

Man claiming to have been summoned halfway across the world by her song lyrics arrives on Natalie Imbruglia's doorstep & demands to move in with her

Monica Lewinsky gets her shot to star on reality TV; hopes she doesn't blow it

Kentucky's governor may lose his medical license for signing a death warrant

(nbc4.tv)

Suspected brilliant bank robbery was actually a courier mix-up

(25)

Latest quackery imported from Europe: Mesotherapy. Take a bunch of crap, mix it together, inject, call it weight-loss treatment

(49)

(Gawker)

Bush twins kicked out of NYC restaurant, told to come back in four years

Photoshop these modern-day Tom Sawyers

(86)

Phone dropped into rock-festival toilet returned to owner's mother four months later

Vanilla Ice wants to get his pet walaroo out of the pound. Lucky for us, he's still not worried about regaining his career

(122)

Hollywood is out of ideas: Mrs. Doubtfire II

(Daily Herald)

Today's "130 cats in a $500,000 house" story brought to you by Vernon Hills, Illinois

(Media Bulletin)

The Osbournes will not return for another season. Ozzy was available for comment, but no one could make out what he was saying

In a move sure to attract younger drivers, Chrysler boss calls best-selling car "the shizzle"

(Forbes)

Obesity is a major obstacle to a good sex life. "Flour/Wet Spot" maneuver remains elusive to many

(271)

London promises "next generation" Olympics if it wins 2012 bid. New events include lighting olympic flame with petrol bomb and 1000m sprint on stolen mountain bikes

(82)

If calling Colin Powell an “Uncle Tom” doesn’t get you fired, give calling Condoleezza Rice “Aunt Jemima” a shot

Kofi Annan to face first ever UN no-confidence vote

(Jablotron)

Believe it or not, this Czech monstrosity is a cell phone

(196)

Check out the Fark Parties listing on the left column

(50)

Nude German garden gnomes stolen from nude German garden gnome peepshow

(83)

(komotv.com)

In an effort to keep supply cost down, store owner has employees shoplift the stock

Homeless man goes to police station, asks to spend the night. When rebuffed, homeless man arms himself with broken bottle, robs service station. Two and a half years of "three hots & a cot" ensue

(173)

Check your profile and post your best (or worst) headline submission. Note: Only you can view your own submitted links

(LA Daily News)

Officer, there's a gorilla in my backyard

Theme: Photoshop unlikely cameo appearances in popular movies or TV shows

(198)

Nice guys never get laid. Here comes the classroom course on how to act like a jackass, get laid instantly

Pen a new rule/law that your workplace/city desperately needs

(347)

Tree in Indonesia secretes magical honey. Winnie the Pooh has the munchies

Researchers call on Congress for funds to study "porn addiction." Baby oil initiative to follow

(131)

Hooters heads to court against rival to prove it came up with the idea of using scantily-clad women to sell food

(84)

(editorandpublisher.com)

Der, Washington Post editor finally has enough, drops asshat cartoonist Ted Rall after he depicts voters as retarded. Der

(MensNewsDaily)

Get your kid a CSI crime-scene analysis set for Christmas. Weapon, spattered corpses not included

Hollywood destroys another classic... Evil Dead to be remade

(209)

Entire eighth-grade class suspended for food fight on "meat loaf day"

Nike co-founder Phil Knight to step down. Will be replaced by 12-year-old Taiwanese girl earning six cents an hour

If you're homeless in Berkeley and you lose stuff, don't worry: It'll be frozen solid until you claim it

Today's lesson plan includes inevitable death by meteor strike

(Local10.com)

Police looking into Local 10 porn-bus investigation determine it's legal

(147)

The actual list of "dangerous" toys

(144)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu November 18, 2004:

# of Comments

(Q)

Theme: Create new spy gadgets for the next James Bond

(79)

Minutes before dying, woman confesses that her husband has been in her freezer for the last six years

(80)

Long lost Larsson painting found. Said to be the one with the cows driving a car, yelling "Moo" at people standing in a pasture

(81)

One-third of President Bush's top donors got appointments in his first administration. Tomorrow's revelation: Our planet is not flat

(142)

Pittsburgh renames the Seventh Street Bridge to honor Andy Warhol. The ribbon cutting for the Whatthehellisthat Bridge is expected next spring

(Madison County Record)

You're a passenger injured in an auto accident. Do you A: Sue the driver, B: Sue the people who made the car, or C: Sue the people who made the road?

(133)

Farker thumbs90's nephew beats the current text-messaging record by 10 seconds. In other news, there's a record for fastest text message

(64)

(Some Farker)

Holy balls. Anyone take a look at their own profile recently?

(kypost.com)

Big Bone Lick opens visitor center. "It's been a long time in coming"

Biblical scholar publishes revisionist translation of Bible to correct "embarassing inaccuracies" in King James' version. Baptists seen gathering wood and gasoline

Dave Thomas, apparently taking well to undeath as a Lich, to be featured in new Wendy's ads

(118)

(WOI TV)

Phone book manages to move several entire cities to Iowa. City residents find that their home values dropped 38 percent overnight

(42)

Moron church burglar identified by DNA-soaked cigarette butt; previously convicted by sandy footprints and scrapes on soda machine

Hidden compound of al-Zarqawi found. Location given away by sign reading "al-Qaida Organization" in Arabic. No really, it did

(443)

Collisions between vehicles and animals at all-time high. So is the deer population and the number of cars on the road but that probably has nothing to do with it

(Webshots)

Photoshop this guy fixing a flat tire

(104)

If you're missing an envelope containing a severed bear claw, the Fort Gay, West Virginia police have it and would like to talk to you

Arafat cause of death released. Doctors were hesitant to say because it makes it look like he was ingesting something Muslims aren't supposed to

(312)

(News4Jax.com)

List of nation's best teachers includes a sex offender

(wtopnews.com)

Forcing your 12 year old to do yard work nude might be a bad parenting choice

(154)

(Monterey Herald)

Over-achieving robbery suspect successfully robs catering truck, shoots self while fleeing scene

2004 "10 Worst Toys" list. Bag 'o Glass not included

(264)

Doonesbury creator and 60s burnout Gary Trudeau to receive free-speech award. Accepting for him will be a floating horse's ass

(325)

FCC sets sights on cable, satellite radio and maybe even the internets. The internets?

(263)

(WNBC)

Remains of man missing since 1999 found in thrift-store chimney

(68)

World prepares to overreact as possible mad cow case announced in U.S.

(264)

Take off your boots before drying them in oven. And don't keep a pile of broken bottles in your yard either

(junkyardblog.net)

Media only too happy to run a million Abu Ghraib photos, but hasn't run a single one on the Fallujah hostage slaughterhouse

Twenty years later, they do, in fact, know it's Christmas time at all. Still no snow in Africa

(65)

(Local 10)

News crew shocked to discover BangBus, only five years too late

(258)

(LancasterOnline.com)

Schwarzenegger shows off specially built eco-friendly Hummer. In true Hollywood style, he fakes fill up, leaves in real gas guzzler

(102)

High schools now include weight-loss class

(121)

Royal Navy returns swearing parrot to duty

Nightclub for plus-sized people opens up in Seattle. Reinforced dance floor already in place

(304)

(First Coast News)

Giant freakish kangaroo captured by authorities may belong to Vanilla Ice

Web media buyouts take off. This message brought to you by MS Fark

(31)

(Greenville Online)

Evidence of 50,000 year old human settlement found in South Carolina includes Stone Age dwellings jacked up on blocks, ancient dog skeletons under the porches

(173)

Beer offered for return of Nativity statute, mate

(41)

Prince Charles, who's sole talent is having been born into a family of inbred freaks, bemoans society's encroaching egalitarianism

(223)

Butterball hotline claims 50-year-old frozen turkeys are safe to eat

One of woman's alternate personalities robbed a bank. Sentenced to federal pound-all-your-alters-in-the-ass prison

College girls go nude before camera for eternal beauty (may be not safe for work, considering the Monday Night Football debacle)

(WWII)

Prepare this Farker's dad for shooting down ze Germans

(173)

NBA fines Mark Cuban for blogging

(58)

(MosNews.com)

Pickle juice, beef tripe and the "sick head cocktail" among the favorite cures for a Russian hangover

Mr. Rich fakes break-in so he can hock fiancee's engagement ring

Bill Gates receives four million emails daily, most of them spam; still has tiny penis

It's official: Steve Spurrier is a Cock

(116)

Colin Powell announces that the U.S. has intelligence that shows Iran is developing a nuclear missile. Also announces unfortunate typo from a couple years ago mixing up Qs and Ns

(445)

Drew will be on the recently un-suspended Z103 morning show from roughly 8:00 til 10:00

(Hindustan Times)

Every year for the festival, youths from the village split into two groups and pelt each other with stones -- the group with the least amount of wounds wins. British bulldog surrenders

(26)

Nursery rhymes more violent than TV, but have fewer wardrobe malfunctions

(WMUR TV9)

Woman breaks into ex-boyfriend's house, trashes the place and dumps an urn containing the ashes of his dead brother all over his bed

(94)

(WOOD-TV)

Completely missing the point of the insurgent shooting video, Texas congressman calls for an end to embedded reporters

Screeching pain-in-the-ass parrot wakes homeowner, who discovers house is on fire

(31)

"Hello, good evening and bollocks": Viz celebrates 25 years of profanity

(40)

Big-ass butts allow humans to run, do the bump and close car doors when their arms are full. Sir Mix-A-Lot called to testify

Russia working on new nukes, including ones designed to defeat missile defence shield. Pooty-Poot celebrates by practising his Evil Overlord posture (with pic of said posture)

(146)

(Tampa Trib)

Verizon's optical lines cause sewage geyser. Your dog wants more fiber

(37)

California's Lewis Stringer campsite features a ghost who rearranges your stuff, steals the stuff she likes, then dances a jig by your campfire. Stainedunderwearity ensues

(Ocala Star-Banner)

Today's interstate spill brought to you by two unsuccessful bankrobbers and handfulls of money liberally sprinkled out the window. Open-air ATM ensues

(14)

Four men kidnap man suspected of stealing pot; tattoo "thief" on his forehead

Photoshop these jousting elephants

(88)

Top 11 Firefox extensions we'll never see

Man convicted of rigging his car to spray chemicals from the trunk. Claims it was for de-icing the wheels

"Strippergate" engulfs Canadian government. Karl Rove orders the back-up scandal-missiles set to standby status

(Internet Week)

Trojan hijacks browsers, sending users to porn site. Millions fail to notice, as they were surfing porn sites when it occurred

Woman in critical condition after teens hurl turkey through her windshield

(99)

Desperate Housewives Monday Night Football clip everyone's talking about. May not be safe for work if your workplace is full of asshats

(π)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed November 17, 2004:

# of Comments

Croatia offers Communist-era prison vacation, complete with stale bread, hard labor and solitary confinement

Deer finds its way into a terminal at O'Hare International Airport. Officials refuse to let it board without first making it strip in public to check for contraband

(36)

Arafat heir "beats off" Fatah old guard. Uh huh uh huh huh

Hollywood is out of ideas: Jennifer Love Hewitt to star in TV show with standard premise No. 2 (single woman working a media job in the big city)

(121)

Rush Limbaugh wins appeal regarding release of his medical records

(185)

Today's "real news source posts fake internet article as true" story was the R. Kelly story. Five points to all those who guessed correctly

Case of the marine who was dead, then not dead, lost, then found, lost again, dead again, finally found, is re-opened

The Amazing Kreskin volunteers to help NJ's new governor cut corruption: Will mentally "ferret out those who come to government with ulterior motives"

(40)

Twenty percent of world's population no longer interested in 2006 World Cup. American 100 percent disinterest unchanged

(189)

Guess who's back. Fark is back. Back again. Etc., etc. (Short version: VDOT accidently cut fiber to Servint)

(411)

Picketing, beer-drinking Santas protest by jumping into fjord

(53)

Church up in arms as "The Damned" asked to switch on city's Christmas lights

Car salesman offers $100 discount to undercover cop in exchange for sexual favors. That's right, a sexual favor will save you $2.00 a month on your car payment, with approved credit

Photoshop this hungry catterpiller. Difficulty: No sneakers

Survey finds four percent of Canadians prefer to be naked when they shop online

Lionel Ritchie's estranged wife arrested for allowing boyfriend to turn her home bathroom into an illegal cosmetic-surgery clinic

(Newsfilter.org)

Karina's huge and natural boobage (not safe for work)

(209)

Early Internet patents up for auction. Winner gets to sue everybody

National panic as UK announces worst lard shortage since WWII. Still plenty of bananas

Man who co-wrote "Pulp Fiction" sues Microsoft for stealing his game idea that involves yoga and giving a man a foot massage

TiVo to slap pop-up ads on screen when you fast-forward commercials

World Toilet Summit flush with ideas

(13)

(Iceland Airwaves)

Corpse lying in street shocks Icelandic populace. Later found to be a non-corpse with a foreign-sized liver

In a move guaranteed to sell millions of albums, rapper Young Buck wanted for Vibe awards stabbing

Burning muffin causes Capitol evacuation. Firefighters rush to scene, save Paris Hilton

And the moral of the story: Always read the small print

(137)

Bulgarian seeks redress over gay pig. Strangely, story doesn't involve Bruce Vilanch

Hunters to sit at their computers and blast away at animals on a Texas ranch via the Internet. What could possibly go wrong?

(148)

(nydailynews.com)

Yankees Gary Sheffield will not be blackmailed because of the sex tape his wife made with R. Kelly

(82)

Bizarre reports out of North Korea say that portraits of wacky leader Kim Jong-il have been removed from public view. Officials deny North Korean dictator has discovered Halo 2

Khan gave Iran bomb-grade uranium, Genesis device

(167)

Arafat still dead. Doesn't stop him from infecting computers, however

(26)

Clinton library opens to public. Massage parlor and happy ending considered highlights of the tour

Iraqis angry, distraught over the murder of aid worker Margaret Hassan

(299)

(Some Fraulein)

Photoshop this awkward moment in German culture

Desperate eBay sellers trying to unload all sorts of useless junk, including used gum using "virgin mary cheese" somewhere in the description

Texas cross-dressing tradition stopped by parent's complaint over the event's "homosexual overtones"

Competitive Eating Federation president compares hotdog/hamburger champ Kobayashi to Lance Armstrong

Republicans on the verge of repealing ethics rule they enacted years ago because Tom DeLay can't meet its requirements

(252)

(Islam Online)

According to U.S. pool reporter, three other Iraqi prisoners were also killed in Fallujah mosque. Muslim outrage ensues. Must be still working on outrage over Margaret Hassan's murder

(260)

The last parents on Earth who still teach their kids respectful language are upset by new Bad Ass coffeeshop. Because everyone knows ass is a gateway swear

(126)

(Bloomberg.com)

K-Mart to buy Sears & Roebuck for $11 billion, creating the nation's 3rd largest purveyor of crap

(197)

Having eliminated the Yakuza and Godzilla, Japanese police now attacking motorcyclist with paint ball guns for crimes like zig-zagging in public

(36)

(Albino Black Sheep)

The coolest way you will fold a shirt today

(122)

Owner of hundreds of cuckoo clocks describes the sound they make as "annoying"

(20)

(LancasterOnline.com)

Car-chasing turkey stalls traffic in Iowa. Traffic in Iowa?

(41)

Big granny panties are the next big thing with women. Shallow Hal surrenders

Man sues neighbor for stealing his wife (with pics)

(Newsnet 5)

Man survives 18 years with a rare skin-shedding disease. With slideshow

(180)

(CONTACTMUSIC.COM )

Who ya gonna call? Dan Aykroyd has been appointed a Hollywood consultant for Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) network

(31)

(The Watley Review)

AOL admits 40 percent of subscribers don't even have computers. Other 60 percent still looking for the "on" switch

(176)

Man no longer wants to play the cowboy after catching arrow in his neck

(29)

NASA scramjet hits mach 10, setting new record. Your dog wants the right stuff

(107)

Was Super Glue invented to seal wounds in Vietnam, or just to glue nickels to passed-out roommates' teeth?

(79)

PETA: Eating fish hurts their feelings

(293)

Canada's on track for another multibillion-dollar budget surplus. Would laugh at the U.S. but is too busy planning Bush's arrest

(Dee Capitation)

Lady Liberty's lost her head. Photoshop her Swan makeover

(68)

eBay's double-standard: Bid on a date with the Real World's Trishelle "Sure Thing" Canatella

(122)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue November 16, 2004:

# of Comments

(WFIE)

Behold the power of Fark

(115)

In a move sure to make Baby Jebus cry, NBC plans to air "A Clay Aiken Christmas"

Admins: doncha think we need a greenlighted HL2 help thread? Can you please pick one and green it?

(171)

Woman who lost business license for displaying vibrating duck at flea market gets it back when no one will testify against her, thus proving the terror that sex-toy industry can instill in people

102-year-old janitor dies, leaving $2.3 million to college where he worked; bequeaths favorite mop to Stanley Spadowski

(130)

Evander Holyfield's slurred speech lands him on indefinite medical suspension. Rumored to be considered for lead-role in "Rain Man 2"

(WNDU)

Ex-student pleads guilty to acting like she had cancer to get free stuff. With pic of miraculously cured asshat

(110)

(Some Munchkin Rockabilly)

Runner in the NYC Marathon one-ups Brandi Chastain; people around her seem strangely oblivious (not safe for work)

(204)

(The Olympian)

Army reservists fling pudding at each other to simulate the conditions they'll face guarding prisoners at Guantanamo Bay

(83)

Canadians upset that Canadian dollar has improved to a 12-year high

(153)

The NBA tells Vince Carter he can't listen to his iPod during warmups, must deal with the vast silence that is Toronto

(73)

(NY Daily News)

Amputee to bear boobies and stump in Playboy

(154)

Things you don't expect to find among trash left by revelers: Over 30 postboxes

(18)

Photoshop this man and his giant guitar

AudioEdit a cab driver trying to convince a passenger that the long way really is the short way

(15)

Stupid reason No. 9681 to get into a gunfight: Bumped car doors in a parking lot

ABC apologizes for the Desperate Housewives "towel malfunction" during yesterday's Monday Night Football opening, calls it inappropriate. Heavy fines, high ratings certain to ensue

(287)

(Des Moines Register)

Mother of three leaves children alone in apartment to go buy beer. Leaves them a butane torch and rocket fuel to play with. Since you're reading it on Fark, you have a pretty good idea how it ends

FAO Schwartz files second bankruptcy after not being able to figure out why kids won't buy a $15,000 gas-powered toy Mercedes

(80)

California investigating taxing drivers for every mile they drive

(137)

(Sunday Herald)

Here's the answer to the question of what kind of moron would complain to the FCC about "Saving Private Ryan"

(Times Online)

Internet users in danger of going blind, growing hairy palms

Canada ponders whether to charge Bush with war crimes when he makes next state visit

Some scientists try to debunk discovery of new hobbit species, say it was homo-sapien with deformity. "We just happened to hit a weird specimen"

(78)

(FNR)

Court rules nativity scene that featured pink flamingos in Santa hats didn't violate church-state separation laws, but was a violation of free speech

(67)

Spongebob Squarepants and Barney the Purple Dinosaur to record Sister Sledge's classic, "We Are Family"

So nerdy, they're practically theft-proof. Segway sales still in the crapper

(103)

Philly: Are you ready for some football? Dallas... not really

(156)

Landlord allegedly demanded sex for rent, shocker for pet deposit

(117)

32-C university student auctions 15-minute fondling session on eBay. "Still attached, great condition." eBay banalarity ensues

(211)

One in four married Britons lose their wedding rings, commonly in the sea

(58)

(WDWS)

Man living in Porta-Potty to raise money for charity attacked by teenager who apparently really had to go

Hollywood is out of ideas: Toy Story 3 now in the works. Disney to produce it without Pixar. Plot to revolve around Woody and Buzz dealing with life under the bed as Andy is hooked on Halo 2

(205)

Australian police believe they've participated in the world's longest police chase at 373 miles. LAPD tuning up their chase cruisers in response

China plans to launch more than 100 satellites to watch "various activities of society"

(81)

eBay reopens auction for cheese sandwich bearing Virgin Mary's likeness

(188)

Playboy doing a spread on the women of McDonald's. Mmmm... McBoobies...

(142)

After previous x-rays proved inadequate to determine his cause of death, King Tut to get a more advanced cat scan. Condition not expected to be upgraded to "alive"

(33)

(Broadcasting & Cable)

In protest of FCC indecency crackdown, Cleveland CBS affiliate reporter does story buck-ass nekid

(138)

Margaret Hassan killed by asshole kidnappers

This week's "ridiculously large number of pets in a small stinky apartment" story brought to you by Mesa, AZ

(nzcity.co.nz)

New Zealand judge dismisses charges against bar owner on the grounds that drunk students are dumbasses

(57)

Denver mayor makes good on his promise to middle school students to pay for their college

Madrid bombing accomplice gets six years in "golpéele en el asno" prison

Remember, in deer hunting, just as in football, defense wins championships

(45)

"Dear Friend, I am Mrs. SUHA ARAFAT, the wife of YASSER ARAFAT. I have deposited the sum of 20 million dollars with a security firm abroad. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping"

Yes your honor, my wife tried to blow me up with a grenade. I hope you wouldn't mind giving her a light sentence, she was only in it for the money. She really does love me

(33)

(Janesville Gazette)

Son of former Packers' linebacker Mike Hunt dies in Iraq

(202)

Marines defend dude that put a cap in wounded "insurgent"

Despite budget cuts, 17 presidents of public universities will earn more than $500,000 this year

(99)

Study shows people tend to stay on weight loss program when they excercise with pets. Your dog wants to sweat to the oldies

What would Fark's logo look like if it existed in the 60s?

Bowflex offering stitches to head included with machine purchase

(53)

One Bob Dylan song + one soccer mom + two Secret Service agents = overreaction in a Boulder, Colorado high school

(181)

Victims of loan shark try a new tactic: Suing him for predatory lending practices and mental anguish over his collecting methods

(Rocky Mountain News)

Bar decides to raise money for charity of woman who died of alcohol poisoning. Promotes event, offering free jello shots to women

(KSL)

Because you demanded it, the Book of Mormon world records

The accident level for people talking on cell phones is the same for people with a .08 blood alcohol level

(156)

English language is being destroyed by "deadly virus of management speak"

(191)

David Lee Roth, not wanting to draw attention to himself or his new career, gives an interview

(109)

(Star of Mysore)

Elephant tires of watching forest officials fail to rescue his elephant friends in a well, takes matters into his own trunk

(WRAL)

Wanted: Homeland Security Director. Duties include operating "Stoplight O' Terror," making vague yet frightening statements and propping up the duct-tape industry

(267)

(www.jalopnik.com)

Moon buggy for sale. Bill Gates thought only Earth was buggy

Man charged with giving out porn DVDs on Halloween. Apparently, no one complained until self-destruct DVD kicked in

(57)

Cowboy falls off horse and dies from head injuries. Now Aussie government making all Aussie cowboys wear helmets, preferably Ned Kelly style

(46)

Skipping commercials may become a crime this week. Unplugging the TV set to follow shortly

(171)

(some guy)

India scientist say cow crap spread over walls and roofs can block nuclear radiation. Pakistan is investigateing data

(30)

"No more Star Trek conventions and Dungeon's and Dragons for me!"

(118)

China says sorry for sub intrusion in Japan. It was the captain’s first day

(41)

Bids for Virgin Mary cheese sandwich canceled by eBay

(63)

Update: Anna Nicole wasn't drunk or high, just has bad eyesight

(92)

Fight breaks out during rap award show. As of yet, no caps reported busted

(472)

Rachel Hunter to be Ginger on "Real Gilligan's Island." A three-hour tour would be nice

Your dreams come true as trombonist records hip-hop versions of ABBA tunes

(40)

What has 10 tentacles, natural ink defense, and 1,540 pounds of cocaine?

(Some twisted Guy)

Photoshop scenes from the upcoming movie "Weekend at Yasser's." Link goes to GIS

(42)

Scientists invent robotic cockroach that is accepted into the cockroach tribe. All hail our new robotic insect overlords

"Incompetence" cited as reason $377,000 in Kentucky prison-work money left in desk

(25)

"The public wants clear instructions, not the promise of explosive orgasms"

UFO expert: Aliens may be preparing us for ultimate encounter. Get your camera ready

(198)

(Some Survey Guy)

What is your favorite movie candy?

(263)

Bus driver makes rolling marriage proposal

Band gets dropped from label. Band puts album on p2p networks; goes to No. 8 on Billboard

(205)

Hardee's unveils "Monster Thickburger." Included with meal are 1400 calories, 107 grams of fat and a cardio-pulmonary resuscitator

(180)

(CAGW)

Nextel is getting nearly a $5 billion windfall to “correct” an interference problem it caused in the first place. Your FCC in action

(82)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon November 15, 2004:

# of Comments

Japanese expect royal wedding to boost economy, increase country's birthrate, give the stock market a kick and keep Godzilla appeased

(Lycos News)

FDA tells Pfizer to pull the Viagra "Wild Thing" ad. Enzyte Bob still the wood that will not bend

(76)

Woman “steals” back own car. Thief heard yelling, “Hey that’s your car!”

Thieves attempt to steal live gas pipe by sawing it in two

U.S. birth rate for young teens hits 58-year low

(177)

Anna Nicole Smith: drunk or just mildly retarded?

(211)

Old man cashes in a million pennies. Your piggy bank asplode

Marine caught on tape shooting an injured and unarmed Iraqi in the face

The pharisees have their rocks and they're ready to start throwing

(165)

Photoshop this coastal wall

(105)

(NBC 15)

75,000 pounds of avocados spilled onto highway. Emergency chips and salsa being sent in

Chairman of Moldovan soccer team tries to run over official with his car

Rice to replace Powell as Secretary of State

(500)

"This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedivere. Explain again how saltwater pumps may be deployed to promote earthquakes"

(78)

Radio transmitters on Viagra bottles to prevent counterfeiters, keep track of Bob Dole

(46)

Old Dirty Bastard's post-mortem exam may take up to a week. Doctors must work carefully to cut through layers of aliases

(107)

(orion-online)

The unwritten rules of "The Price is Right": "Girls can kiss Bob. Boys can't kiss Bob. Everybody can hug Bob, but the No. 1 rule is don't hurt Bob."

(133)

Woman fined for messing up while singing Mexican national anthem. No, her name is not Rosana Barro

(94)

(LA Daily News)

Orange truck overturns in Valencia. Police unable to find vodka tanker to make world's largest screwdriver

Man sets himself on fire in front of the White House

Case dropped against woman who didn't know the George W. Bush $200 bill wasn't real currency

(117)

Truckload of manure dumped on losing CFL kickers' driveway

(184)

Beavers build mansion dam from stolen casino loot. Bucky will break your legs if you tell -- the hard way, see

New group calling for an end to trough-style urinals. Sports fans and expensive shoes rejoice

(191)

Russian citizen sues McDonald's over spilled coffee

(135)

Use of force lead to firing in cases of an officer who beat homeless man and then arrested witnesses, and another officer who removed handcuffs and challenged suspect to a fight

Student who wins flying lessons in essay contest crashes during first lesson; vows to stick to writing

The Sun's top 10 funniest gags

(385)

Gum maker Wrigley to buy Life Savers, Altoids. Kraft, the current owner, to make a mint

Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman, Education Secretary Rod Paige and Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham also make like the Colin and blow. Cabinet reduced to a drawer

(185)

Russian scientists invent perpetual-motion machine

(141)

(Jimmy)

Eight guys go camping. Naturally, they try to kill one with alcohol

(67)

Photoshop this autumnal dog walker. Difficulty: No crucifixions

(98)

Slightly shotgunned Homestar

(243)

Colin Powell resigns

(Hoosier Gazette)

Congressman mounting campaign to change Interstate 69 to a more moral number

(286)

(Ireland Online)

Men setting up funeral lighting inadvertently create more business for funeral home

(46)

Hold a chocolate festival with free samples and the world will beat a path to your door. In other news, asking them to stay away is pretty pointless

(17)

What just may be X-E's greatest article ever: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack Review

(81)

Lexmark wants to know what kind of porn you look at

(116)

(Some Gamer)

Photoshop other Fark Easter Eggs in games

(100)

(National Geographic)

Some super powers not all that impossible. Here comes the super science

The top 10 degrees in demand in the workplace. Hey poli-sci majors, I want fries with that

Overweight, alcoholic smokers cheer pill that will solve all their problems

(111)

(Hoosier Gazette)

Russian exchange student feels right at home in crappy Indiana town