Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2004-04-11 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Ugly ass Toyota Hybrid is born

(89)

Power of a kiss: medics talk

(12)

Taxi driver stabs man in head with screwdriver

(29)

Don't light firecrackers directly in front of your eye

(39)

Tales of horror from online-dating front

(149)

Today's instant justice story

(40)

(al.com)

The real-life Ace Ventura

(14)

(Center Daily Times)

Fireworks safety demonstration causes uncontrolled brush fire. Burnination ensues

(28)

Theme: A cup of coffee, a don and a battleship

(86)

(MyWay)

Live from New York, it's Janets nipple.

(86)

(Statesman Journal)

Sea lions teaching each other that the best fishing is at the dam

(24)

City's newest fire truck gets stuck in trash filled pothole that is several feet deep

In the Arctic, size does matter

(WDSU-TV)

92-year-old with rap sheet from the 1930's busted on Bourbon Street; no boobies injured

High-rise university dorms will overlook nude beach (possibly not safe for work butt pics)

(71)

(Penn Live)

Couple excited about new house - except for the pesky snake infestation. Previous owner suggests "get a cat"

(70)

(Tallahasse Democrat)

Cattle rustling blamed on low-carb craze

(22)

Easter eggs haute couture

(38)

(Some poor guy.)

Man enters Guinness Book of Records for buying house at $128 million

Less than a week after parachute saves a plane from crashing in Canada, another plane is saved in Florida

(57)

Seismologists discover TV miniseries about massive earthquake stands on shaky ground

Japanese government compared to a dysfunctional penis.

(phillyburbs.com)

Anyone missing a hand, arm, foot can pick them up at the recycling plant

(19)

(City Press)

Angry virgins tackle child bride

(176)

(Jax Times Union)

Farmer soaks 200 acres of pasture and charges $10 a head for the privilege of getting your truck or swamp buggie stuck in the mud. Beer is the beverage of choice and Confederate flags proudly fly

(83)

Morgues now prime field-trip location. Teacher: "I want a drug-related death, an alcohol-related death and a traffic fatality"

(50)

(Anchorage Daily News)

Brewery brings town together with its Free Beer Fridays

Thomas Edison thought that anything could be better if made out of concrete. Live up to Edison's vision and create a world made entirely of concrete

Have you ever awakened to find frosting in your hair and M&M's stuck to your spouses back? If so, you are not alone

(37)

(WKRC)

Woman mugged in cemetery, has her hair stolen. Vidal Sassoon wanted for questioning

Easter is here -- celebrate it by fighting Marshmallow Peeps in space

(65)

U.S. Forest Service spends $23,000 on 15,000 pamphlets with faked photo captions

Baseball's shrinking meat not related to steroid crackdown

(24)

U.S. Apache helicopter shot down in west Baghdad

You know your finances are screwed when the bank threatens to repo your tunnel

(37)

Today's "Man bites dog" story brought to you from Eastern China

Children on Easter egg hunt find guns in schoolyard

(44)

Victoria’s Secret to drop TV fashion show, citing Jackson Super Bowl fiasco

(76)

Price of sea horses expected to sky-rocket

Soiled panties will soon be harder to come by

(57)

Tiger Woods and friends celebrating hole in one

(136)

(Sign on San Diego)

Man served shovel sandwich

(30)

The Marshmallow Peeps Maker: The bearer of Easter miracles disguised as a cooking toy

In this corner, the challenger with the C cup and the defending champ with the D cup. (Not safe for work)

Bucket of fat fails to conceal firearm

(20)

NASA developes a "black box" for people. Here comes the science

SUVs continue flying out of showrooms despite high gas prices, crappy fuel efficiency. Common sense crawls away, mortally wounded

(362)

Professional trash troller mocks noobs

(29)

Please slow down. The Prince needs his beauty sleep

(29)

Those residents of Melbourne who survive funnel web spiders and poisonous snakes may now welcome their new wasp overloadrds

(78)

Eco-terrorists decide saving birds is worth cost of taking out lumberjacks

(196)

Sorcerer takes on too many spirits during ritual, gets ass kicked by Poseidon

(23)

Georgia governor urging Democrats to switch parties or there will be "consequences"

Teacher takes student to court after being told on daily basis to go fark herself

(84)

(The Advertiser)

Australians making money hand over fist with bull spunk

(19)

Seven-year-old boy bids £750,000 for Power Rangers toy on eBay. The Sun is there

(Ames Tribune)

Italian restaurant celebrates 25 years in business by inviting every former employee back for a free entree. They sent out 2000 invitations

(Delaware Online)

Home buyer's deal came with a squeal. A pig was part of the deal when he closed on the house. Despite the fact the pig is free for the taking, he can't find any takers. Luau anyone?

(18)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat April 10, 2004:

# of Comments

(enquirer.com)

In the hands of the Cincinnati's finest, is there anything tasers can't do?

(50)

(tennessean.com)

Dog/football's owners provide photo of wrong dog to newspaper. Hilarity ensues

White House finally releases pre-9/11 Osama bin Laden memo. The Smoking Gun? There

AudioEdit a police background investigator digging into a potential cop's past

(14)

(Some Farkette)

Cornholing commences as prom goers get list of dont's

(136)

(Boulder Daily Camera)

Citizens turning their garage doors into war protest billboards.

Photoshop this shirtless geezer hugging his cow

(149)

(Guide Horse Foundation)

Think a guide dog is a little too old fashioned? How about a guide horse then

You cannot bring a full can of gas onboard an aircraft

(51)

Apparently, there IS crying in baseball

(91)

American taken hostage in car by Iraqi insurgent

(338)

"From my plane, I saw the massive mudslides." "Over Macho Grande?" "No, I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande. It was Machu Picchu"

(74)

(Some Cat Hater)

Aye guv'ner, let's see 'em boobies now. (not safe for work or British kittens)

(128)

(Cincinnati Enquirer)

While they have no problem offending the rest of America, PETA decides not to offend Bruce Springsteen

(ADN.com)

Man blows up stove, house, himself after using diesel fuel to get a wood-burning stove to light

(mirror.co.uk)

The cleanest women around the house are the dirtiest in the bedroom

(111)

Trendy urban chickens live in iMac-shaped coops, look down on chickens with Windows

(68)

(ThisIs Southampton)

Company launches a range of retro-perfumes starting with one recovered from the Titanic. At last, the smell of maritime disaster

Sticky goo angers dancers

Photoshop this asshat playing frisbee (link goes to image)

(167)

(Royals.mlb.com)

Streaker runs onto the field during Kansas City Royals game; general opinion of him is that he doesn't "Believe" in pants. Jailarity ensues

(45)

No, Otis, you can’t become a Washington State patrolman

(Cincinnati Enquirer)

Ten-year-old cupcake sells for $50 on eBay -- to the bakery that originally sold it for 69 cents

(47)

U.S. music sales rose by more than nine percent in the first three months of this year

(106)

Louie the Elephant has a good time hunting for Easter eggs

It's time to celebrate Jesus' resurrection with chocolate ovum squeezed out by rabbits. Behold the Cadbury Creme Egg

(BayNews9)

Bad, bad Leroy Brown. No longer the baddest man in the whole damn town after being shot by cops

(109)

Jeff Skilling makes early bid for insanity plea

(56)

80,000 stubbies lost in beer blaze

(Omaha World-Herald)

Iowa potato chip maker gives away 20,000 pounds of unusable spuds. Hey M, free taters

Teen pilot on first-time solo flight successfully crash-lands plane in field

(Monterey Herald)

Japanese rednecks ride giant logs down mountains to celebrate a 1200 year old tradition. Darwination frequently ensues

Woman text messages car thief `This is a unregistered car theft please return car or pay for full version'..

(NBC San Diego)

Crack reporter finds reason to believe that some DVD movies actually contain hidden features called "Easter eggs." Film at eleven

Severed head found on park bench - the tenth this year

(67)

(Villanova University)

Farker running for student government president. Photoshop a good campaign poster for him. Link goes to his homepage

Poor man wins lottery

(163)

Psychedelic poultry captivates children

(LodiNews.com)

Man speaks to council with potato box on his head - to say nothing of the dirt in his ears

(26)

Air marshal leaves gun in airport bathroom, Barney Fife surrenders

'Weird Al' Yankovic's parents found dead inside home

(386)

(The Indy Channel)

Girl suffers head injury in shot-put accident, school disbands shot-catching team

(FSView)

College students arrested for giving free food to homeless without permit

(201)

(WJLA)

Two time presidential candidate arrested for threatening to "Kick cops ass and tear off his dog's head"

(72)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri April 09, 2004:

# of Comments

Large crate in Dad's closet turns out to be 28-year-old mummy of missing Mom

(85)

(Some Peep Eater)

Theme: Unexpected places for Peeps to pop up on Easter morning

(157)

Jesus relics on display. Relics include toothbrush, doo rag, hippie sandals

(192)

Prison guards force teen girls to remove bras in front of male classmates during field trip

(197)

Dad towing 2-year-old home behind his bike at 2 a.m. asks passing driver 'You want a piece of me?' Driver hits bike, drags kid. Dad may have been drinking a little

(74)

(Billings Gazette)

Environmentally friendly biomass-fueled power source runs on wood scraps, coconut husks and shredded Halliburton documents

(160)

(San Jose Mercury News)

San Francisco authorities, frustrated with Bay Bridge jumpers holding up traffic, suggest "manmade spider web" to catch them

(93)

(Click2Houston)

At the beach, you can find all kinds of things: Shells, seaweed, sand dollars, helicopter cockpits...

(44)

Clear Channel drops ATL jocks

(237)

Displaying signs offering illegal drugs in your front yard as a plea for return of your stolen car is generally not a good idea

On its way to clog Philadelphian's actual arteries, truckload of burning beef clogs major Philadelphia transportation artery

Good Friday goodies (not safe for work)

(158)

(NBC 5)

Track coach and fitness instructor hopes to break record by eating 1500 Peeps

(105)

Delaware and New Jersey refuse perfectly good nerve-agent waste for no reason

(56)

Old and busted: Paying your own way. New hottness: Claiming martyr status and having your bills forgiven

You know spring is here when you find a newborn in your bushes

As if Terry Nichols wasn't having a bad enough decade, now he finds out his wife was boinking Tim McVey

(79)

The Governator boogie-boards drowning man to shore

(168)

Local news reporter mooned live on air. The Sun is there

Let's honor our World War II vets with an ugly-ass memorial. And let's build it on a flood plain

(114)

For a fair and balanced Fark, photoshop Bill O'Reilly

(181)

New job opening editorial director of Hustler. Must know porn, anatomy and how to change tires on a wheelchair faster than a NASCAR pit crew

(38)

Man steals camera from crew. Hilarity ensues

(117)

(NBC5)

It really was Ronald at McDonald's. Manager now suspicious of man in stripes and mask eyeing the hamburgers

Scientists discover that snakes evolved from land-based lizards who in turn evolved from lawyers

Not wanting students to get discouraged, Houston School Board drops policy requiring high school students to pass tricky courses like English and math before they move to the next grade

(177)

(Democrat and Chronicle)

"Hey baby lets set your shirt on fire" should not be considered foreplay

(88)

(Tennessean.com)

Jesus don't like naked statues, so nursery covers offending parts with velvet "as if Santa had a bikini team"

(191)

(Some Ivy Leaguer)

"I don't think I've ever rowed harder in my entire life as I did trying to escape the otter -- that devilish creature had already attacked Scott and now it was coming back for more." (with pic)

(153)

(Mobile Register)

Doctor says so many not-really-sick people are seeking money in asbestos litigation that if they all get paid there'll be little money available for actual sick people

(70)

(tennessean.com)

Free ice-cream bill in jeopardy

(99)

(Daily Journal)

Thieves steal truck carrying 25,000 sets of Billy Bob Teeth

Colorado officials decide county road F-U needs to be renamed

(61)

(Courier Press)

Drinking a 12-ounce Guinness is like taking a multi-vitamin, only tastier

(211)

SWAT teams create secured zone and surround house with gunman inside. That is, until they found out he was actually negotiating from a house across town

(37)

Don't swig whiskey and smoke while wearing your wedding dress if you don't want to end up on a greeting card

(Daily Times)

Police stop man driving down interstate in wrong direction. Man complains to cops that everyone else is going the wrong direction

Iraqi insurgents seize four Italians and two Americans on outskirts of Baghdad

OMG J3sus r0xorx: Get the Pope's thought of the day on your cell phone

(Some TFarkette)

Perfect body, stunning face.... and perfect ween (also tats and a ring) (not safe for work)

(328)

Nine-year-old arrested for stealing bunny. Unsure of what was happening, placed pancake on bunny's head

(246)

Theme: If steroids were legal (link goes to google)

(108)

Happy birthday, Jenna Jameson

(201)

Greenland is to Earth as an ice cube is to my scotch

(114)

(WND)

This summer's forest fires will be the work of Al Qaeda

(163)

(Baxter Bulletin)

Peeping Tom leaves note, offers cash to continue peeping. Apparently hasn't discovered free internet porn

Safecracking for Dummies. Pictures included

(NY Daily News)

Burglar found taking shower in woman's home. Did not get away clean

Photoshop these loiterers

The eight-step plan to snagging your own football star

Sweet. Now I can finally watch South Park without the profanities

(181)

(The Star)

Man drinks his own urine as “alternative medicine” to cure rheumatism -- socialized medicine scares the piss out of him

(87)

Gambling addicts self-help website plagued with pop-ups for casinos

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu April 08, 2004:

# of Comments

Clear Channel drops Howard Stern because of FCC threat

(khaleejtimes.com)

Thirteen girls and three boys at a camp go berserk and start screaming that their toilets are haunted. Ghost Busters called in to exorcise spirits

(84)

(WBAY)

When installing new telephone cable, be careful not to flood the entire neighborhood with sewage (with video)

Prince and his "people" jeopardize Barnie's status as the most annoying purple dinosaur

(68)

Timothy, the alcoholic war-hero tortoise, has died

(76)

Governor of Michigan reinstates "Year of our Lord" for dates on official documents

The women of the University of Kansas. Duke sucks (SFW)

(153)

Man -- who wore soiled diaper and pink stretch pants while job hunting at daycare centers -- indicted on seven counts of child endangerment

(56)

No one really knows why we eat marshmallow Peeps at Easter, but many believe the Germans had something to do with it

London Mayor Ken Livingston: "I just long for the day I wake up and find that the Saudi royal family are swinging from lampposts and they've got a proper government that represents the people of Saudi Arabia"

(162)

Police decide catching "elusive fugitive pig" is worth calling in a helicopter and tracking dogs

Create a weather forecast icon that warns of impending doom

(152)

Earliest pet cat found in tomb. Cause of death appears to be etchings of boobies on nearby cave wall

(33)

Sims2 has some pretty pervy preview screenshots

(235)

Scalia bars press from covering speech about the power of the Constitution, orders tapes erased

(225)

(Subservient Chicken)

SubservientChicken.com. Brought to you by Burger King. WTF?

(239)

Microsoft gets patent for putting a hard drive in a gaming console and for using descriptive filenames

(The Ledger)

Church invites British pub drinkers to text message suggestions for an 11th commandment. "OMG this sux0rs.1..1" places a strong second

Hell hath no fury like the Detroit Tigers about to be 4-0

Clear Channel gets slapped with a nice $495k fine for Howard Stern, TSG is there

(249)

White Sox manager tells players to "go get drunk" after loss

Heather Graham as Roller Girl in Boogie Nights (not safe for work)

(76)

Policeman loses promotion for using unlined paper

(47)

Jessica Simpson goes from virgin to "sexpert" in just one year

(285)

(mytelus.com)

Car thief steals cars, immaculately cleans them, then abandons them on the side of the road

(57)

Paris train stations evacuated due to bomb threat

(170)

(MosNews)

Russian authorities to use additives to paint thinner and cologne to prevent people from drinking them

(tennessean.com)

Tennessee legislature continues to tackle the tough issues, lifts ban on free ice cream

When putting dishes in the dishwasher, make sure the soap tablet isn't the golden one worth $350,000

(83)

New stoplight automatically turns red if it senses you are speeding

(234)

There's a reason that cup of coffee tastes like crap

(75)

(townhall.com)

Budget-crunched San Francisco State University has classes in "Raza Studies. Recreational and Leisure Studies. Women Studies." So what are they going to eliminate? Engineering

(229)

(PSU Vanguard)

Shit Amy Sly found

(249)

Detroit Tigers attempt to start the season 4-0. In related news, Keanu Reeves attempts to win "Best Actor," and France attempts to invade someone

(109)

Mehdi Army base destroyed. Reports of spawn camping unconfirmed

(257)

(West Central Tribune)

Gas station offers unleaded, premium and chronic. Police not amused, bust them after 10 years in business

(Charleston Daily Mail)

Fark's favorite Powerball winner, Jack Whittaker, caught up in perplexing political scandal regarding company he bought from Democratic gubernatorial candidate

(The Hindu)

Indian software company Infosys to begin outsourcing jobs to the U.S.

(123)

Town council calculates it could save taxpayers $277.10 by not shaving

(26)

Woman pregnant with her 15th child honored with Arkansas' "Young Mother" award. Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermott, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe and Chloe, you have a baby brother on the way. (Florida?)

(368)

Woman who received treatment for tumor has baby as side effect

AOL to launch online reality show: Contestants booted without warning will not able to sign back on long periods of time

Lithuanian police commissioner upset that prostitutes are charging NATO troops three times more than local clients. Calls it "a clear case of discrimination," even though prostitution is illegal in Lithuania

(WBBM)

Ronald McDonald shows up unexpectedly at two Chicago-area McDonald's restaurants. Managers get suspicious when The Ronald displays more than a passing interest in cash registers

(99)

Toaster from hell burns Satan's face into bread

(NZ Herald)

Surgeons seek removal of rail crossings, since people are too dumb to notice flashing red lights and giant locomotives hurling at them

Condi: "I can't remember"

Scientists protest PBS "documentary" featuring "experts" with "proof" that the Shroud of Turin is "real"

(171)

Mugshot of inmate busted for hiding cocaine in roll of fat

Police clock speeding car at mach 3

(128)

Last-minute Kingston, ON Fark party set for tonight, April 8th @ 9:30

(170)

Experts pinpoint 40 top spots to be abducted by aliens

(King County Journal)

One-third of police pursuits nationwide end with the death of a bystander. Fifty percent end up being shown live on cable news

(107)

Elvis Costello to release two albums at same time, one for each fan

(204)

Create a travel poster for somewhere you wish you were right now

(147)

Parents group proves that school promotes gay agenda using research from The Onion

(348)

(Newsfilter)

Jessica Alba, for your viewing pleasure (not safe for work)

(119)

Women who eat chocolate during pregnancy have happier babies. And, umm... men allowed to drink beer and go to strip clubs during pregnancy make better fathers

(84)

(New Observer)

"Playboy is part of the conditioning of men to see women as objects," says guy in transparent effort to get laid

(325)

(NBC San Diego)

Mom pulls out the belt as son's report card arrives 25 years late with an "F," four "Cs" and an "A" in physical education

Buffalonews.com

Man from Scotland buys house on Ebay for $15,339. Travels to the U.S. and finds out someone else still owns it

Sean Connery pushes "Arrogance" button, acts like a complete tool towards entertainment reporter

(180)

Baseball salaries drop to decade low average of $2.49 million. How will they ever get by?

(72)

Man says "I voted today" election sticker ruined new suede coat

Atlantic City hotel offering world's most expensive Scotch whiskey by the glass. Cheap drinks go for $50, while vintage slams run $3500

(117)

Obese inmate hides 1.9 grams of crack in fat roll

(70)

(Ballsy)

Man bets it all on roulette wheel... Will it be a) "I'm rich biatch" or b) "WTF have I done"

(137)

Iron Photoshop: Crop circles. Difficulty: Not a wheat field caption contest

(115)

Optimus Prime gives Aquaman advice on how to get a date

(SomeCHIGuy)

Chicago Fark Party this Saturday at 8pm

(The Honolulu Advertiser)

Media panic shark-attack season beginning early this year

(55)

Woman performs own C-section with kitchen knife, plans to offer surgical consultation services for sale on Ebay

(87)

(Stratergy Page)

U.S. military to replace rocket booster on Minuteman II nukes with EPA-approved boosters. Radiation, fallout and firestorms apparently not an issue for EPA

(107)

(Gainesville Sun)

Slain intruder turns out to be homeowner's son. Homeowner doesn't let police in without a warrant. You don't have to be Columbo to figure this one out

(65)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed April 07, 2004:

# of Comments

When transporting meth across state lines, make sure to bring enough cash for tolls

(134)

Saddle up! (Not safe for work)

(145)

(New Zealand Herald)

Lightning strikes safety building, electronic door locks, traps 200 people inside

Guy reports burglary in adjacent building. Chief Wiggum arrives at his house and shoots his dog

(100)

(abc7chicago.com)

Up-and-coming "drive-by porn" law shoots unsuspecting Tennesseans in the eye

The Z Is All Up Ins

(155)

Beware of hoax involving getting smeared with snuff and vaseline, then being asked to pee on envelope containing your life savings

(51)

New DVD player skips sexual content, graphic violence -- and therefore won't play a single movie released since 1952

(142)

FTC says no collusion among oil companies. Apparently, prices just happen to rise on their own around Memorial Day

(138)

Times Square celebrates 100 years of hookers and that weird urine smell

(TheWGALChannel.com)

Church group whips Easter Bunny during show

(134)

(Some Guy :))

Theme: Emoticons come to life

(109)

Kerry hires MoveOn.org director to handle his Internet campaign

(363)

(NBC5.com)

Washing instructions label inside Tom Bihn bags and backpacks reads, in French, "We are sorry that our president is an idiot. We didn't vote for him"

(199)

In a move that will surely be blamed on Janet Jackson, three college newspapers are shut down for their April Fools' pranks

(227)

Piranha let loose in Berlin aquarium's petting pool

(103)

(Planet Ark)

Scientists discover giving patients worms is an effective way to treat inflammatory bowel disease. Scientists now looking for way to keep patients from scooting their butts along the carpet

(141)

Houston Texan cheerleader tryouts (with videos and SFW)

Alabama lawmakers designate official state whiskey

(93)

Restaurant ordered to stop its Kunming stunt of eating sushi off naked women

Donald Trump battles live chicken, wins $250

(89)

Hollywood is out of ideas: John Woo to bring Metroid to big screen

(292)

Dutch invent jewelry inplanted in the eyeball. No word on what they were smoking when they thought that one up

(190)

Apparently forgetful of what happened the last time they released a Jew-hating extremist from prison, Germany frees a prime Sept. 11 suspect

(187)

(WXIA)

Possible bomb found in Atlanta airport

(312)

(Tennessean.com)

Going for two is better than kicking the extra point, especially when the football is a small dog

(304)

(Mosnews.com)

Russian naval officers take the heat after makeshift sauna they built on ship catches fire, causing $100k worth of damage

Wisconsin Supreme Court says the state's "bird of peace" can now be served with wild rice and a light Burgundy

(112)

(TheAge)

Britain spends £259 million on helicopters that are scared of clouds

(91)

French children's book author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's plane wreckage found 60 years after he disappeared

(161)

(IDSNews)

University students pay for college with porn site. "Student loans, we don't need no stinking student loans"

(150)

In the Middle East, it is prohibited to eat the sheep you have sex with

(127)

No longer allowed to fondle boys, Catholic priest turns to growing pot in the rectory. Police, judge are not amused

(156)

Judge determines ailing 75-year-old, wheelchair-bound grandmother too dangerous to be released form jail. Prosecutors call her a menace to suburban car dealers

Photoshop this pizza guy, hold the anchovies

(168)

They were sleeping better than they had slept in weeks -- that is until an 8000-pound rock fell on their house

(131)

U.S. checking report of Iraq mosque attack. Thought it was the Chinese embassy

Surgeons who play video games make 37 percent fewer mistakes than their counterparts, thus completing the trifecta that beer, sex and video games are good for you

(112)

Angelina Jolie finds the need to take off her shirt during some kind of weird ritual (not safe for work)

(156)

British footballer sets world record by scoring goal just two seconds after kickoff (with nifty illustration)

(314)

Two-year-old runs cash register and credit-card machine at folks' Asian restaurant, gives correct change with same frequency as parents

(136)

(Fark.ru)

Create some propaganda to promote Fark.ru to Russian Farker comrades who aren't in the know. Something to appeal to the desire for vodka and boobskis

(97)

Circus tightrope performer falls almost four stories, landing not as good as gymnast in previous fark article

(Scientific American)

Fark flamewars explained: Why you believe stupid things

Detroit Tigers, after going 0-9 and 0-11 in previous seasons, starts out at 2-0. Duke sucks

Theme: What Chewbacca was really saying

(23)

D.C. Air National Guard would like to apologize for making the entire area experience sphinchter malfunction by flying fighter jets over U.S. Capitol

(OCLC.Org)

A guide to the Southern Tenant Farmers' Union... also known as the STFU

Article on Internet nerd demographic doesn't even mention masturbation until the 21st paragraph

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue April 06, 2004:

# of Comments

(FilmStew)

Hollywood is truly out of ides, decides to do a sequel cleverly named "Dungeons & Dragons 2." Viewers will need to make a constitution saving throw -4 in order to avoid throwing up

(290)

(Tucson Citizen)

Completing the trifecta is a guy falling 30 feet down a waterfall. Unfortunately, his lack of special training really showed

UCONN does double duty, wins women's national championship. Third title in a row for Huskies (Huskettes?)

(180)

(Southern Ocean)

Thieves ransom lawn gnome for junk food and porn

(Chortler)

Beckham story demonstrates 100 percent effectiveness of U.S. Foreign News Defense Shield

(85)

"I don't think there's anybody in law enforcement who would think a defendant would be that stupid to keep a dead body in a storage shed rented under his own name. Luckily, people like this keep us in business"

Photoshop what this farker is looking at outside

(256)

Loser who claimed to have lost winning lottery ticket loses court case and will now lose $6,596.71 for real. Declares herself a winner nonetheless

(72)

Gymnast falls from fourth floor. Sticks landing despite breaking an ankle

(Thunder Bay Chronicle Journal)

Donating grenades to thrift stores may cause hilarity to ensue

(26)

Angry bystanders chop off leg of gunman. Instant justice

(92)

(Taipei Times)

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis to open "Girls Gone Wild Cantina" restaurant in Times Square this fall. More eateries planned

(74)

(Some Professor)

History professor is looking for some good fake historical websites to sharpen his students' critical thinking skills. Link goes to a classic example

(125)

Red Sox fans pick "Still, We Believe" as title of movie based on 2003 season. Because "You F*cking Suck" must have already been taken. Duke sucks

(122)

France discovers the sandwich, may stop eating garden pests

(48)

Teacher reprimanded for complimenting students, then adding, "I'm not trying to get laid or anything"

(Sam, Norm, Woody, et al.)

Hans Blix: Iraq was better off under Saddam

(347)

Little known fact: today is Cliff Claven's birthday. Cheers to you Cliffie. Link goes to Cliff's words of wisdom

(wesh tv)

Accused murderer plucks right eye out in jail cell. Quotes Bible. Jailers point out that stakes are a lot higher than just an eye for an eye here

(62)

Anti-racism professor who pretended to be racist also shoplifted while teaching criminal justice

(79)

(Herald Sun)

French president almost feels up Queen of Britain. Maybe he'll get lucky next time

(Everyday Mississippi)

Man is shot, drives to yard sale and purchases old bowling pin lamp before dying

(Janesville Gazette)

The cranberry is now the official state fruit of Wisconsin. Audrey Seiler is the official nut

(89)

Bloomberg demands re-opening of Statue of Liberty: "Come on, let's stand up and have some guts"

12 US Marines killed in Ramadi attack, raising US casualties to 32 in the past 48 hours

(Amazon.com)

For those interested in Dick Cheney's wife's book, Amazon also suggests "Clit Notes"

Candidate refuses to drop out of race after photos of him in women's clothes surface

(105)

First ever Bejing 7-11 to open on April 15. A run on Bite the Wax Tadpole Slurpees projected

Evidence grows about benefits of moderate drinking

(133)

Alleged Beckham paramour has nip slip. The Sun is there (not safe for work)

(133)

Old and busted: Boiling water. New hotness: Eating live lobsters

(187)

(Some Farkette)

Clueless Farkette needs advice on how not to get screwed buying her first car

(398)

Woman who swallowed diamond ring gets probe-ation

(63)

(theindychannel.com)

Indy's first truck spill today: Margarita mix. Second truck spill: Aerosol cans. Trifecta?

(47)

(Monterey Herald)

Serbian tradition of shooting guns into the air during weddings brings down a small plane

Male-stripper market booming due to bachelorette parties. "It's the last sowing of the wild oats, because women have oats, too"

(141)

Barcelona bans bullfighting. In other news, Moscow bans vodka and Paris bans surrendering

(102)

Jamie Oliver cooks pot roast for wife in the nude, ends up roasting his weenie. The Sun is there

(186)

(NY Daily News)

Pam and Tommy Lee may be planning to remarry. No word if they plan to make a new home video

(63)

Photoshop cowboy Matt Drudge, who ditched his press hat for a day

(123)

When carrying marijuana through airport security, don't wrap it in tinfoil and walk through the metal detectors

(83)

Autographed Fark Sticker goes for big bucks on ebay. Proceeds go to Oxfam

(165)

Turkmenistan's president looks to modernize his country by banning gold teeth, circuses, beards and ballet

(55)

Ted Kennedy calls Iraq "Bush's Vietnam." In other news, Vietnam now to be known as "Ted Kennedy's Brother's Iraq." Jack Daniels still known as "Ted Kennedy's Pepsi"

Police respond to domestic dispute with a snake

Teenage honor student who campaigned against drug and alcohol use at high school dies during first drinking binge

(300)

New Red Sox manager forgot to "go over the rules" with Pedro Martinez. Rules like: "Don't go home in the middle of a game when you suck"

(126)

Benedictine monks stick to their vow of poverty religiously -- that is, until someone gives them $26 million

Chubby 16-year-old kid wins ESPN Tournament Challenge. Duke sucks

(155)

Not learning from the mistakes by Northeastern University College students after the Super Bowl, UConn students riot and smile while the photos are taken. Crying in front of the judge to ensue

(242)

TSG gives us a look at the nude lap-dancing former inmate

(116)

J. Lo's mom wins $2.4 million at a slot machine

(179)

Police escort drunk man to his own wedding. Henry Earl declines offer to be best man

Photoshop what this contralto is reacting to

(191)

(Moscow News)

Russian flying saucers to monitor America

(Milwaukee Channel)

Inventor of the telephone answering machine has died. Please leave a message. BEEP

Man takes eight people hostage, threatens to detonate hand grenade unless he's given cocaine, cigarettes and beer

(LSJ.com)

Radio station refuses to broadcast Detroit Tigers games when they learn beer will be advertised. All five Tiger fans upset

(114)

Crisis looms because West Virginians apparently don't masturbate enough

Police would like to talk to the person leaving sticks of dynamite strewn along Texas roadways, partly because one elderly man mistook the dynamite for sausage

Yvette Lopez in all of her glory (not safe for work)

(91)

Drug-addicted grandmother claims cannabis was a gift from God

X-E locates the worst hotel arcade in the United States

(103)

CIA Director Maxwell Smart testifies before Senate on intelligence lapses

(62)

Scientists reveal that tick humping causes the female to balloon up to 100 times their virginal size. Unknown if she points to her belly, shouting, "Look what you did to me!"

(33)

Nothing says sexy like Bob Dylan

(201)

UConn wins the National Championship. Duke sucks

(193)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon April 05, 2004:

# of Comments

(The Independent)

UK survey shows 42 percent think William Wallace was fictional, 33 percent think Mussolini was fictional, 57 percent think the Battle of the Bulge never happened, and 60 percent think the Battle of Helm's Deep was real

(285)

Angry druids post reward for capture of the vandals who paint-bombed their stone circle

(102)

Photoshop Al Franken taking a break from spreading liberal propaganda

(166)

Gas is so expensive, cab drivers are actually taking the short route to the airport

(98)

Teenage lesbians have worst rates of smoking

(245)

Woman's 176-pound tumor removed. Tumor to run for MPAA presidency

(110)

Bill Clinton's boyhood home destroyed in fire. Vast right-wing conspiracy seen fleeing scene

Welcome Fark Account #150,000 tomklajn

(Madison.com)

Woman who abducted herself prevents TV reporter from changing underwear

Norway's most annoying man, the serial cabin pooper, is loose again

Alanis Morissette appears on Canadian music awards show wearing a bizarre "naked" body suit, complete with nipples and pubic hair (small pic of fake butt possibly not safe for work)

(352)

Photoshop Googlers hard at work... or not, as the case may be...

(dailytimes.com)

Vibrating condom, machine that helps people put on underpants top draws at inventors' fair

(30)

Britney Spears' boobs fall out of her shirt during performance. Sadly, The Sun was not there

(266)

Naked women, invisible trees and rogue roundabouts have all been cited as the cause of car accidents

(62)

Signs of good luck: No. 1: Four-leaf clover. No. 2: Rabbit's foot. No. 3: Beached whale?

(55)

(WisInfo.com)

If your water bills are lower than they should be, call the utility company before they fine you $1200

(125)

Al-Qaeda tells Spain, "Withdraw troops from Iraq AND Afghanistan or be turned into inferno." New Spanish government said to be consulting Neville Chamberlain's Book of Foreign Relations for advice

(400)

An ad proving Bush's claim of "executive privilege" was nonsense is what forced Condi Rice to testify

(217)

Ikea founder denies being richest man. Still gunning for worst haircut title

Beckham denies extramarital affair (surprise)

Restaurant manager takes on additional duty of G-string police

(108)

Japanese restaurant causes a stir when they serve sushi on a naked woman's body. Confused diners warned not eat the funny-looking clam below the navel

(116)

(Press and Journal)

Man surprised to learn his pension will be backdated to 1852

(30)

Britain and France officially friends for 100 years. "Cherchez le vache" incident forgiven and forgotten

(146)

(thebostonchannel.com)

One reason not to select Burmese pythons as pets is they can eat you

(68)

Attention Wal-Mart customers: Please check your credit cards statements -- 800,000 credit and debit cards overcharged last week

(152)

Fashion company ad uses topless model to re-enact Christ's crucifixion in front of Catholic Cathedral. Manages to offend just about everyone

(270)

U.S. and Iraqi forces seal off Fallujah for impending attack

(Fleet News)

Your employer probably doesn't want to hear the one about you, a naked woman, a dead goat and a chainsaw

(38)

Cambodian PM turns year younger on birthday. Happy unbirthday, fella

(Jackson Sun)

Election commission has bone to pick with candidate's platform of belly rubs and steak

(14)

(Buffy.nu)

Julie Benz (Angel/Roswell) topless in Darkdrive movie (not safe for work)

(65)

Old man feeds pet cat 4.4 pounds of meat a day. Cat weighs 41 pounds and can't take four steps without getting exhausted. Your cat wants steak

(108)

New art museum exhibit dedicated to different examples of obsessive compulsive disorder

Thundercats -- where are they now?

(102)

(BadJocks.com)

Australian soccer league tries to attract kids to sport with CD-ROM that includes pictures of topless women (with SFW picture)

Vampire bats kill thirteen, THIRTEEN people ah-ah-ah

Norwegians turn local city into Kabul, invade it with tanks

(18)

Adults that have no patience for Barney or the TeleTubbies will not be surprised to learn that television may cause ADD in toddlers

(CompUSA)

Matrix Revolutions at a steal at $406.40

(105)

(Some Gaijin)

American in Japan has Japanese students "remix" Penny Arcade. Base belonging ensues

(101)

Americans on the run from their own country

(255)

(Herald Tribune)

Clubs are out in force for baby seals in Canada. 350,000 baby seals to get the treatment

(161)

Vanessa Gleason wearing a hat and a smile (not safe for work)

David Beckham had an affair. The Sun is there

Concrete canoes take to Lake Turkeyfoot, scuba divers on stand-by

Terrorize your neighbors, win a free house

(101)

Chris Duhon's last second three-pointer to cover the spread against UConn made gamblers $30 million richer

(50)

Nickelodeon gives award for "Favorite Fart in a Movie"

Step off, Bill: There's a new richest guy on the planet, and he's gunning for your worst haircut title as well

(86)

Americans shrinking, Europeans getting taller

(274)

The real cause of Rome's fall: Head lice

(40)

(Xinhua online)

Expert says zoo pandas are too fat to mate, doesn't mention Indiana even once

(Hoosier Gazette)

New Grand Wizard creating a kinder, gentler KKK

Agatha Christie's murder mysteries to become PC games. Games to feature incredible lighting effects, stunning 3D, 16 different weapons and absolutely no plot

(54)

Photoshop these happy go-lucky kids