Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2003-12-28 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Photoshop Stevie Wonder

The youth of today are the "Thumb Generation"

Farkettes, need a guy? Move to East Germany

(244)

(Some hillbilly)

Rural Kentucky basking in the golden age of moonshine

(Florida Today)

Call it supply-side enviromentalism

(249)

Midget tossing game

(68)

Man barred from flight for being drunk leaves little doubt as he mentions the bomb in his carry-on

(Honolulu Advertiser)

Pair wins award for surfing the web

Audioedit a commercial for a foodstuff you would never eat (link goes to inspiration)

(13)

Inhaling cheap air freshener the new "high" for youth

Rock singer gets three years in prison for bad lyrics. Britney, et al surrender

(74)

Brewpub owner/Denver Mayor has hired a pretty diverse staff. So far, everyone's having a good time

(12)

(Gameindusry.biz )

SONY: "All your living rooms are belong to us"

Just in time for the holidays: Hangover pill invented by the KGB now available

(34)

Sex-crazed New Years diet

(ohio.com)

Best selling DVDs of 2003

Bars to stop serving drunks this holiday season

(20)

(A StomachMonkey)

Theme: Photoshop yourself on a date with a celebrity of your choosing. Link goes to GIS for 'kirsten and monkey'

11 Places Women Want To Be Touched. In your Ferrari should have been number 12

(117)

(East Valley Tribune)

Some day your computer may tell you to turn your head and cough

(24)

A little known company in Michigan is the true power behind retail music sales and you won't believe the perks they get

(Alameda Times-Star)

There is a better reason to teach your infant child sign language other than how cute he looks when giving someone the finger

(ksdk.com)

When planning a fireworks show, low bids are more important than safety

(Some Gnomeless Guy)

Man sets up website to find missing lawn gnome. Drew's gnome still missing

(Salem, OR Statesman Journal)

(View Askew)

Watch an unfilmed scene for Kevin Smith's Dogma, now in flash.

(69)

Fark credited with making Mitchell Russell Bickford's mugshot the Oregon Statesman Journal's second most clicked-on story of 2003

(31)

Hot men for the Farkettes to oogle over. Safe for work

2003 Top Ten Questions at Ask Yahoo.

(114)

"It is our right as Americans to sleep with two girls at the same time"

(90)

600 lawyers sign up to defend Saddam Hussein. Snakes surrender

Springfield decides to exterminate 80,000 strong muder of crows. Take that East St. Louis

(serious fix)

Kadosho's Top 10 Games of 2003.

Just in case you're in need of your very own Mormon, there's now a form to request an official visit

(150)

(PBS)

If Steven Hawking ever dies, should we rename ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) after him?

(184)

Man who wanted carpet installed fast shocked by responses to his "3-hour quickie" advertisement

Honda Accord ad required 606 takes and never used computer-generated images, which is unbelievable after you see the commercial

(149)

Family discovers father's embalmed head kept in shed for 11 years

(MLB.Com)

George Steinbrenner collapses at a funeral but is in good condition.

Photoshop what's happening to all our Mars probes. Link goes to the ESA's recent failure

(93)

Monk thinks that setting himself on fire will solve problems in his homeland

China plans to launch research satellite. Pay no attention to gigantic laser beam pointed at Washington

What do you want on your tombstone?

(276)

Residents say their Habitat for Humanity subdivision is "ghetto." Jimmy Carter surrenders

(194)

Retired man plonks down $104 at newsstand, says "Gimme lottery tickets" just as taxi slams into kiosk

(76)

Apparently backyard sheds not qualifying as medical research facilities anymore

(26)

(Awesome)

Swap on, Wayne. Swap on, Garth. Federal court rules RIAA subpoenas illegal

Wackos respond to article about paranomal pets

(39)

(Sunday Herald)

Raw Spirit: In search of the perfect dram, a whisky travelogue

(12)

Cities nationwide seeking to ban devices that can change traffic lights. Get one here while they're still legal

(93)

Hasta la vista inmates. Da Governator to push for shorter sentencing to save money

Resume of Peter North

(199)

Photshop these intrepid CalTrans rustbusters

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat December 27, 2003:

# of Comments

17 things to not do while watching "Return of the King"

(170)

Major 7.0 earthquake rattles island of New Caledonia

(102)

It's that time again, the girl or the cars? not safe for work

(75)

(The Age)

attempt to blow up British Airways flight thwarted

(183)

Frenzied farkers cant stop submitting articles about mad cows invading from Canada

(111)

(Geico)

Make your own "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" Geico commercial

(17)

Actor Russell Crowe apparently not mechanically inclined

(75)

Man drinks 15 litres of milkshake in more than three hours for charity

(2theadvocate.com)

Ever look at an expensive painting and think that any 10 year old could do that? Here's proof

(86)

(tennessean.com)

Nashville native sharpshooter is credited with eight confirmed kills and two ''probables'', fulfilling ambition inspired by experiences, stories from boyhood

Theme: Photoshop some juggling. Link goes to GIS for cat juggling

(Some Iowa Guy)

U.S. Loses 90 Percent of Beef Exports, beefs back on the menu boys.

(148)

Two Wal-Mart clerks arrested and fired after intentionally and repeatedly smashing carts into parked police cruiser

(169)

(BellSouth)

BellSouth getting out of the payphone business, selling huge stock of refurbished working payphones to the public. (Payphones don't actually require a quarter to operate but your friends don't know that)

(78)

Man gets attacked by python. Man survives. News article features picture of Britney

(galvestoncountydailynews.com)

Police stumble upon the results of a wacky, LSD-fueled beach party

(97)

(Some Guyette)

Going clubbin' in Florida? Shop Miguels.

Dog saves child by taking on rattlesnake. Your dog doesn't want snake

The beer wenches are back, and they're spectacular. (pic)

(Grand Forks Herald)

How to drive a air boat over ice

(30)

USA to "devour" unique Russian "UFOs"

Terrorists with Guitars on Trial

The girls or the car? not safe for work

(101)

Tarzan for the ladies. SFW

(32)

(Amazon)

Bon Jovi can't leave well enough alone. Releases acoustic recordings of his greatest hits.

(67)

(Grand Forks Herald)

Unlike in the movies, tarot cards cannot predict the future

(129)

Police shoot man at court "he was charging right at me"

(55)

Bacardi's Website hacked -- RED RUM.

(108)

Young workers spending their money on booze instead of savings

Photoshop this lick down

(95)

(ny daily news)

Taken as a whole, Paris Hilton's youthful antics might be good business for the hotel chain.

Tank versus mini-van. Place your bets

(65)

Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Minneapolis evacuated and searched

Photoshop this grate picture

(96)

U.S. wants to speak with 13 passengers who didn't show up for Air France flights. The 13 are on U.S. terrorist watch lists, one has a pilots license, all hate America

(lots)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri December 26, 2003:

(TheHawaiiChannel.com (THC))

# of Comments

(CaledonianRecord)

Man showing displeasure at being pummeled with snowballs found unconscious in middle of street

(51)

Photoshop these house movers

(118)

Humpback whale lays the mother of all smackdowns on whale-watching boat. Hilarity does not ensue.

(180)

Mythic Software sues Microsoft for trademark infringement. Gates counters that selling crappy software is a Microsoft trademark

Officials crack down on seniors' $4 bridge prize

(68)

(Radio Nederland)

Dutch develope new cars/busses that are 50 percent more efficient and operate in whisper mode. Oil industry shakes fist in impotent rage

(139)

(Some drunken farker)

Calgary Fark Party, January 23 at Bottlescrew Bill's. Any objections from those interested? (Link goes to GIS for "Fark party")

(34)

(Link goes nowhere)

Theme: "We interrupt this program to bring you..."

"They (Americans) should prepare... their coffins, hospitals and graves. The coming days will be full of surprises and great events which will make them a historic example"

(Des Moines Register)

Idiot slips on grape in supermarket. Sues for $82,000 and gets about half of it. Must have been one of those new banana-peel grapes...

(washtimes.com)

Howard Dean presents his "Jesus strategy." Reaching for Straws the Game revived for 2004

(382)

Before trying to jump spikey fence, make sure you can clear it

Next time you speak with Indian tech support, you could be talking to a king

(67)

Reputed NY mobster shoots man for heckling singer

Michael Jackson gets married. To a woman. The Sun is there

(125)

(North Devon Journal)

The search is on again for the elusive Beast of Exmoor

(65)

(ShopCat)

Life is short -- pet hard. A guide to working cats

(Deputy Fife)

Hey Barney, don't forget your bullet

(21)

Ugly-ass tiger triplets born at Henry Doorly Zoo. With hilarious pic of Roy Horn's future tormentor

Technology has brought us the "I'll Bet You're a Drunken Bastard Mobile"

Cat who escaped pet-crate at airport found -- two months later

(Empire Online)

Natalie Portman ready to work on Leon 2 after finishing Lucas crapfest (not her exact words)

(113)

When trying to woo back a woman, shooting yourself in the groin is not the way to go about it

(CitizenOnline)

Having discarded beer bottles laying in your yard is an important safety tool against muggers

(37)

Firefighters battle blaze at cigarette plant, awaiting arrival of 50-ton ashtray -- my tagline sucks, suggest your own, voting thingee enabled

(100)

Cool text-based game. Addiction level: 10. Referred by: Ivhunter

(88)

(NY Daily News)

Bartenders recommend moderation but offer these hangover cures "if moderation eludes you"

(Catholic Exchange)

A Catholic review of LOTR: ROTK

(270)

Death toll could reach 10,000 for earthquake in southeastern Iran

(460)

Cow busts out of pasture, beelines it to interstate, hits car causing three-car pile up. Must have been a VERY mad cow. (Cars' occupants a little pissed, too)

(16)

"Merry Christmas honey. I loaded the car with flammable liquids and crashed it into your parents' house"

(50)

Two-year-old "model" sues city after cutting his head at a playground. Parental responsibility surrenders

(112)

Down the chimney he fell: Naked burglar gets stuck

(23)

Today's Walmart story brought to you by a baseball bat, long lines and ignorant people

(182)

Photoshop an invention that would make you millions. Link goes to a beer hat

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu December 25, 2003:

# of Comments

(diepunyhumans.com)

Photoshop this pic of a solider petting a kitty. Awwwwwww

(138)

Peyton Manning drops pants, moons trainer, writes book, gets sued, settles case, releases news through his daddy on Dec. 24, just in time for no one to notice today

Earth to Beagle... Earth to Beagle... Hellooooooo?

(199)

(Online Athens)

From the Georgia fratboy handbook: Shoot possibly rabid raccoons, then cook and eat them

AudioEdit the song you'll be singing at midnight on New Year's Eve. Link is to GIS for "drunken stupor"

What was the best present you got this morning? The worst? (voting enabled)

German and British soldiers exchanged gifts and played soccer during an impromptu WW1 Christmas truce

(91)

Stowaway man found dead in airplane wheel well

(82)

Can pickles and pirates replace Santa?

Today's Christmas penis-cutting story brought to you courtesy of Indonesia

Crista Nicole -- not safe for work

(74)

Photoshop this anti-obesity billboard

(85)

Dick Cheney christmas card message implies God wants an American Empire

(lots)

Mom, Dad, I'm not really dead

Jewish group upset and considering legal action over Mormon Church's penchant for posthumously baptising Jews

(118)

Turducken. The other meat

(64)

(The Australian)

The legend of the Min Min light -- is it "fata morgana," or "an emu running around with a torch up its arse?"

(23)

At least three die in Tel Aviv suicide bombing

(139)

Beirut-bound Boeing blows up by Benin

Attorneys call Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles a hotbed of fraud

Thief who swallowed diamond ring gives up pricey poop

(31)

Germany's top-selling newspaper has published nothing but good news for Christmas

(Bored Farker)

For the stuck-at-work Farkers. What are you doing to pass the time and make your Christmas day at work a little more fun? With voting

(169)

No signal received yet from Mars Beagle 2 probe, space scientists will have to wait until 22:00 (GMT) on Thursday night to confirm

(105)

Do the red stripes on candy canes represent the suffering of Jesus?

(116)

Because Jennifer looks good in a bikini. Safe for work

Things that poor kids give their grade-school teachers for Christmas

(34)

Colorado still suffering from eBay addiction, now selling entire college campus in Vail

(13)

What did Santa get you?

(331)

Second attempt on Pakistan's president fails. Third time reported to be "a charm"

(82)

(Some Evercrackhead)

Official electronic exchange opens for MMORPG currency. Apocalypse in 3, 2, 1...

(53)

Photoshop some guy filling a crack

"We're going to release about 1000 totally random people on the ice during a major game, and not even bother to check and see if some are actually wearing the jersey for our biggest rival. What could go wrong?"

"Naked elves" spreading holiday cheer

Merry Christmas everyone!

(355)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed December 24, 2003:

# of Comments

Georgia wires $1.65 million for 100,000 flu shots that never showed up. That's what they get for ordering them from a Nigerian pharmacy

(Some Sim)

Photoshop a new The Sims expansion pack. Link goes to newest one

The Beagle has landed

(Market Watch)

Top 10 most overpaid jobs. George Bush announces plans to liberate CBS MarketWatch

Trolling For Taillights

Breakout the donut pillows -- ROTK:EE might be five hours long

(121)

David Letterman brings laughs, Paul and Biff on surprise Christmas Eve visit to troops in Baghdad

Playmates undress each other under a Christmas tree (not safe for work)

Christmas in the Matrix

(71)

Scientists perfect the cracker pull. People unfamiliar with the cracker pull will just have to figure this out by themselves

Four out of five women break into a sweat when parking a car

(258)

Top 10 celebrity dumbasses of 2003

(59)

(Santas helper)

Beautiful men. not safe for work. Happy Holidays.

I saw a turtle

(72)

(Fibber McGee)

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of Farkers? Create an old-timey radio play segment

Cheeses and quotes to inspire creative thinking. Example: "The widespread belief that Yuppies as a class would perish from Brie-cheese poisoning turned out to be over-optimistic." (Newsweek, July 31 1995)

(baverstock)

What was your favorite pinball machine? Link goes to Xenon

(232)

Ten technologies to watch in 2004

(Some Hannity)

Radio host Sean Hannity has a new book coming out, but the cover could use some work

(144)

Top websites of the year... Sadly, Fark left off list

(78)

High-tech jobs are no defense against being eaten by a leopard

(51)

Game theory as applied to women

(91)

Japanese cyclist flies Harley-Davidson flag at summit of Mt. Everest. (With pic)

Ladies: The Saharan male beauty contest

California quakes causes mountains everywhere to grow as much as a foot taller. Seismologists explore midget-porn connection

(28)

(KCBD)

Bobby Knight advises media what they can do to themselves

(46)

Air France cancels three flights to the U.S. for "security concerns." France surrenders

(277)

The Japanese have invented the Britney Love Doll. Not safe for work

Dailytopless is back

If you don't want to be mistaken for a pimp, don't change your name to Allmighty Supreme Mayo

(46)

(News4Jax)

If you have to beat up pelicans with a shovel, don't do it in front of witnesses

Man commits suicide with cattle dip because of nagging wife

(76)

Dozens of old Christmas commercials up for download, and reviews of this year's wackiest holiday crap on X-E's Advent Calendar...

New technology may get your tech-support questions answered while you're on hold

"Satan sucks" is the main message of the biker church

(196)

Hungry, hungry hippo attacks former Miss South Africa

Several countries ban U.S. beef imports because of mad-cow fears. Expect beef prices to plummet any day now

Snowball fights get serious in Aspen. Serious enough that the cops are arresting people

(61)

Photoshop inappropriate product placements into your favorite movie (link goes nowhere important)

(224)

"Blitzen" gets spooked, tackles TV reporter (with pic)

Jimi Hendrix action figure to be released. Deluxe version comes with kilo of coke and puddle of vomit

(124)

Man volunteers to return wayward snake to woods, is not amused when snake begins to kill him

Man calling himself "Sackie Gleason" dresses up own testicles and acts out Shakespeare, "Thelma & Louise"

Pastor fighting porn with midgets

(61)

Joe Namath apologizes to Suzy Kolber, explains that he really wanted to kiss Joe Theisman

(67)

Have a fetish about groping asses on crowded trains? Never fear, Japan is here

Man survives car crash, gets discharged from hospital only to go home and have gas heater explode in his face

Queen Elizabeth II loses prized corgi in dogfight. Queen bummed out, loses $50

George Elliott, the guy whose warning about Pearl Harbor went unheeded, dies at 85. Mourners expected to miss wake by one hour

New company allows paranoid parents to track kids through their cellphones

New York grants Lenny Bruce posthumous pardon on obscenity charges

(32)

(Boobies Fan)

Nudes HQ gallery

(85)

Nevada man has his songwriting dreams come true after renting a billboard on a dusty stretch of road outside of Las Vegas in hopes Celine Dion would see it and contact him

Theme: Sorry about that (link goes to GIS for "sorry")

(132)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue December 23, 2003:

# of Comments

Asshat steals extremely valuable cards. Owner's insurance covers theft but owner offers exorbitant bounty just to spite the thief and guarantee he can't sell them

(160)

(Recoil Magazine)

Call your radio stations. Metallica is no longer mandatory

(204)

(Counterpunch.org)

Jesus dug the Grand Canyon, says dingbat. Bush Administration agrees

(358)

First look: New 400hp Corvette, Mustang, mini-Saab, BMW 6 convertible and more from Detroit, LA auto shows

(163)

"Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic" named game of the year

(170)

What gamers want, year in review

(89)

Couple given misdemeanor citation after trying to save movie seats

The least essential albums of 2003

Federal authorities will not authorize states to buy prescription drugs from Canada. Like the good guardian they are, their reasoning is "because I said so"

(121)

Idiots spend fortune on Christmas lights so their house will be visible from space, and it probably won't be

After successfully coercing Libya to drop nuclear-weapons program, U.S. pushes forward with new nuclear-weapon development

(199)

Tech IPOs will be back with a vengeance in 2004. Whiny tech CEOs expected to follow shortly thereafter

Judge orders National Park Service to revive plan scrapped by the Bush administration to ban snowmobiles from Yellowstone National Park

(276)

Entry fee for great 600-meter dog paddle is longneck bottle of beer and can of dog food

(12)

Dog bumps into candle, starts fire. Owner doesn't help matters by kicking candle into Christmas tree

(24)

There should also be an Asinine Quote tag. WA Agriculture Secretary on Mad Cow: "This incident is not terrorist-related. I cannot stress this point strongly enough."

(99)

The price of vanilla mysteriously skyrockets. The price of Vanilla Ice's used CDs mysteriously unaffected

(NBC)

Ben Affleck's love for the Yankees shines: "I would rather say the lines, 'I worship you, Satan,' than say my favorite baseball team is the New York Yankees"

(94)

Twelve honeys of Christmas (probably not safe for work)

(Some AudioEditor)

"Interview" someone through skillful AudioEditing. Link goes to a metric buttload of famous speeches

Elderly Nebraskan woman credits reaching 100 to "being ornery"

Mad cow disease found in Washington State. Cost of lattes skyrockets

(285)

A toilet seat for Christmas? One husband thinks it's the gift that keeps giving. His wife begs to disagree. Somehow this all makes it into the national news

Does anyone know WHY the U.S. won't sign a nonaggression treaty with North Korea? No news sources seem to explain this. Link goes to a monkey typing

(260)

(Channel3000.com)

Pataki posthumously pardons Lenny Bruce. Lenny: "You're go**amn f**king right I'm pardoned"

A Fark holiday classic: Photoshop what would happen if Santa got drunk on Christmas eve

Beer thief returns case of beer bottles filled with water, exchanges it for real beer

(Pittsburgh Trib)

Cop finds van with 13 illegal aliens. Feds tell him to let 'em go. "Obviously, the federal government feels these guys are legal illegal aliens," cop says

(78)

Former Nebraska football player acquitted of burglary charges after spending six months in jail because he didn't want to raise bail

(23)

Asshat sniper Malvo gets life in prison

(236)

To survive Boxing Day sales, shop like a commando, including dropping your pants to create a diversion

(28)

Nation of Islam member Michael Jackson gets some "old tyme" religion from Minister Darrel Strawberry. Scientologists still trying to figure out how they lost him

(sunherald.com)

Superman arrested for bank robbery

Trucker gets bored, makes 3,500 obscene phone calls. Huge phone bill, jail ensues

Man with a yen for giving throws one million from an observation tower over Tokyo

Teen sleep-over ends as they generally do -- in gunfire

(71)

Loose screw halts nuclear-power station. Plant officials going nuts, plan on getting hammered

(50)

(BadJocks.com)

Popular Norwegian women's handball team poses for nudie calendar, expects school kids to sell it as fundraiser

(theaustralian)

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, do not show him your boobs. This is a scam -- he only wants to see your boobs

(64)

(Connecticut Post)

Fresh from her wildly popular appearance on a refrigerator in Texas, an image of Virgin Mary appears on ceiling of church in Bridgeport

(59)

Spain holds annual $2.2 BILLION lottery. Powerball sucks

Ozzy released from intensive care, says, "Mewet doobin makklin, blimpher." Jack too stoned for comment

Man upset that lottery officials won't take him at his word about having lost the winning lottery ticket. Sues to collect

Britain on high terror alert. In unrelated news, duct-tape prices in London soar

(Q)

Holding hands and cuddling are more preferable than sex to the average American guy. Stop laughing

(144)

Brooklyn cop is being investigated for Internet postings in which he brags about beating suspects, writing phony tickets and ignoring calls to his precinct

Top astronomy images of 2003

If you're a right-wing militia member planning to attend a campus protest as a murder alibi, go to the right campus

(71)

Turns out "So I Married an Axe Murderer" is a true story

Enterprising German strikes deal to buy 100 tons of soiled incontinence diapers to use as alternative power source

Houston magazine raves about this year's Super Bowl in Reliant Stadium. Pictures of the Astrodome accompany the article

Georgia fans, with the help of a "little alcohol," like to pee on people

(115)

(WKYC-TV)

Dropped change -- $7,000 of it -- gathered from beneath rides at amusement park in one year

With lots of downtime over the holidays, please suggest best web-based free games sites for Farkers to play (link goes to sports games -- golf is nice)

(169)

Bitter old CT man takes down his brightly lit Christmas display after 35 years because no one has any Christmas spirit left

(99)

Whatever you do, don't get in your car today. Avoid certain death and stay inside

(50)

(Trek Today)

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy to do Priceline commercial together

(News4Jax.com)

Somewhere, the burglar from "Cheap Butts & Suds" is scratching, scratching, scratching away. Beware anyone in Clay County who asks you to turn in their lottery tickets for them

(Clarion Ledger)

Guy robs bank, then goes to Krystal for breakfast. Off-duty cop follows him the whole way

Construction worker, electrocuted urinating on a power transformer, has his injury claim thrown out of court

Man sells stock, gets second mortgage, hocks two cars to raise $300,000 for Nigerian email scam

(222)

Canadian general hopes the capture of Saddam Hussein will allow the world to refocus on rebuilding Afghanistan. Asks reporters, "What are you laughing at?"

(331)

Florida workers allowed three earrings per lobe, nipple or scrotum ring, not both

(130)

Holiday Rom Hack Review -- "Super Mario Bros. 2 Christmas Edition" (w/ download)

(39)

(New Haven Register)

Gonna grow $4 million of pot? You might not want to set up shop across the street from the police station

(New Haven Register)

Bridezilla busted again. Hopes for frequent-arrest discount on bail

(134)

Thousands of Chinese workers to sign a contract promising not to have sex with Israelis

(227)

Photoshop theme: Frankenpets -- make pets better through useful modifications

(113)

Mars preparing for onslaught of probes that will get stuck on median with the blinker on

(59)

(TownTalk)

Side Effect of Getting Plastered, #35: Not noticing the gunshot wound for ten hours

(26)

Alf to return to TV after petition to bring him back gathers 7,385 signatures

(141)

(Fast Company)

7.5 cents of every dollar spent in the U.S. goes to Wal-Mart

(237)

Scientists can now clone a deer. Because Lord knows we need more deer

(Time Magazine)

Photoshop this year's Time Person of the Year candidates

(151)

(DecaturDaily)

Convicted robber sings hymn during sentencing. Judge takes note of beautiful song, good attitude, then tosses him in the can for 12 years

Scientists have created "anti-bubbles" in beer. Here comes the science, including how to make your very own

(73)

Christina Aguilera, former abuse victim, donates $200K to women's shelter

(229)

In a tribute to his dad, Brett Favre has one of the best games of his career

(218)

Sony's new version of robot dog will connect to wireless Internet, download porn and hump your leg. Also wants steak

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon December 22, 2003:

# of Comments

Teach your dog to sing Jingle Bells. Your diva wants steak

Hugh Grant forced to flee Bangkok bar with hands over crotch after rampaging hookers try to grab his schlong

(64)

Where sex offenders live and why you don't know

(112)

(WBZ 4)

Three indicted in chicken-farking scheme

(51)

(The Times of India)

Porn fuels Kenya's Internet boom

AudioEdit theme: Conversations likely to be heard on New Year's Eve 3004

(19)

District attorney hates to pick juries during holidays, because everyone's in too good a mood. Favorite time: Tax season

(CMAJ)

Head injuries in nursery rhymes: Evidence of a dangerous subtext in children's literature. Jack and Jill should have worn helmets

Inventor of Sea Monkeys died... maybe... get the magnifying glass

Bizarre accidents injure thousands of Britons. Authorities blame carelessness

If you attack a cop with a rock, prepare to be shot and killed

(152)

Hef abuses his monkey on TV, PETA outraged

(122)

(ksdk.com)

Fire chief goes out on a limb and calls seven fires within three blocks "suspicious"

(19)

Feds uncover Secret Santa ring. Believed to be largest bust in U.S. history

(32)

(NY Daily News)

Princess Diana may have died pregnant

(134)

Pay $40 million to have sex in space. Only high-end prostitutes available

(NBC)

In an attempt to revive his career, Dennis Rodman signs with ABA team Long Beach Jam

(Lycos)

Photoshop Kobe Bryant, celebrating a buzzer-beater

(141)

Remind an "invincible" farker of his mortality, share your brushes with death

(too many)

Lawmakers shocked that deregulation of electric companies hasn't lowered consumer prices. But the companies have made more money

Tracker the Cat probably lost one or two lives riding 150 miles under the car's hood

(46)

A Christmas collection of strange stories. Note how many involve alcohol

Czech labor unions ask for workers' comp for employees traumatized by constant Christmas carols

(KSN TV)

"When we got up there, it was obvious she hit something bigger than a cow"

Refrigerators may be to blame for rise of painful inflammatory bowel condition

(GulfNews.com)

U.S. troops torturing Middle Eastern terrorist suspects with rap music

(288)

(NBC)

Three men -- armed with guns, red eyes and smelling of Cheetos and Ho-Hos -- rob medical marijuana clinic during power outage

(120)

Scandal rocks Scotland when it's learned that some doctors write sick notes for people who could be working

Video of ESPN interview featuring a drunken Joe Namath offering Suzy Kolber a kiss

(116)

Post your experiences from today's earthquake here

(269)

(Football365)

Police search for Maradona's penis

(Some Cheap Santa)

New York Islanders to admit anyone dressed as Santa in free and allow them on ice at intermission. No predicted change in number of bozos in stands

Feces roasting on an open fire / Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Administrators feel the solution to NYC school problems is improved bulletin boards

Prisoner A: "What are you in here for?" Prisoner B: "I murdered my parents. And you?" A: "I released a bighead carp into a lake in Michigan"

(USGS.GOV)

California has 6.5 earthquake -- citizens yawn, go back to dreary lives

(360)

In dispute with wife, man chops off his own testicle, walks to police station naked. In other news, new Law & Order series being planned

Minnesota solves its homeless problem by bussing them to Colorado

(93)

(China Daily)

Paleolithic porn found in China. "Trog would hit it" scratched underneath

SCO Group loses money with their new business plan of suing everybody and creating nothing

(Newsfilter.org)

Can't get enough of Jennifer Connelly (not safe for work)

(139)

Fifty tons of bananas wash ashore on Lithuania

Scientists say marriage is good for women and bad for men. Still no cure for cancer

(207)

North-South debate rages over origins of Jingle Bells and whether Batman smells

Drew Curtis and Wil Wheaton to appear on Unscrewed tomorrow night, December 23rd

(89)

(KPIX)

California uber alles: Jerry Brown suggests "unhealthy behavior" tax

(177)

(LJWorld.com)

Somethingawful.com is still taking donations for armor -- currently less than $3,000 from their marker

(55)

Ten new mugshots for Xmas

(135)

(nbc10.com)

Man attempting to board plane "forgets" he has razor blade, hacksaw blade in shoe

(61)

Police in Mexico throw hands in the air, plan to give drunk drivers a break on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve

Top 10 wacky Japanese stories of 2003. Number 10: Japanese sex jaunt sparks Chinese fury

European telescope photographs three beautiful galaxies (great pics)

Arkansas prisoners get fresh fruit and $5 for Christmas

(111)

125-year-old fruitcake to be guest on "Tonight Show." Will still be more interesting than Nipsey Russell

Photoshop Hilarity Ensuing (link goes nowhere important)

(The Australian)

Seven-year-old girl dies, 60 children injured. Treated for fractures, bruises and seizures at Christmas toy giveaway in Honduras

Coffee makes your sperm faster. Here comes the science

Prank calls to Osaka police hit 490 a day

Playboy's Totally Busted: Are My Boobs Crooked? Like Candid Camera with boobs. Not safe for work

(133)

Fishermen caught playing dress-up with Barbie doll, crustacean style

Brett Favre's father dies

(205)

Keiko died of a broken heart, according to man who regularly communicated with him telepathically

(43)

(The Daily Journal)

Would-be robber breaks down and cries when clerk tells him "no"

(39)

People are shopping. Next great media revelation: People are travelling

Reminder: Memphis Fark party, 7pm tonight -- Blue Monkey on Madison. Be there or be talked about

Impoverished for the holidays? Here's how to travel without credit cards

(99)

(Some Philosopher)

"Confucious say man with paintbrush hold key to mind." Unlock your mind and photoshop your favorite "Confucious says..." Link goes to GS for "confucious says"

(SignOn SanDiego)

Fighting with someone and then shooting them in the buttocks will not convince them to let you stay the night