Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Archives for '2003-12-14 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Slimming club serves doughnuts and crisps

(4)

Game industry leads race for digital 'uberdevice'

(10)

Football celebrations reach new low after Saints player makes cell phone call from the end zone

(86)

Berliners treated to Christmas underwear models. "Ja, das ist sehr gut." says local lederhosen retailer

(Northern Times)

A shepherd named Shepherd is banned from shepherding due to being a baa-aa-aa-aa-ad shepherd

(29)

Weather futures popular with investors. Super-villains, start your weather controlling devices

Watching poker tournaments on ESPN2 will not make you a better gambler

What does DPS stand for? (Link goes to GIS)

Guy influenced by Evangelion kills mother

(Some Riesbeck)

Ohio grocer inducted into the Grocers Hall of Fame... Grocers Hall of Fame?

Man bitches that newspaper didn't run non-shovelling granny story. Exclaims "C'mon. Even Fark.com had it. It does not get any bigger than that."

"She told me the chapter on the penis was too long and too hard"

(Ragazze)

Sabrina Ferilli (not safe for work)

(Inquirer)

Internet and technology world summit ID badges were bugged

The Hegre twins with spider web hose on. Still Spider free, still Not safe for work

(128)

In Haiti, where pleasures are scarce, U.S.-funded abstinence campaign not very popular

(78)

Couple returns from meal celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary to find they won £2.3 million Lotto jackpot

Bank robber appeals his conviction by arguing the stupidity of his crime proved he was too drunk to be responsible. Court points out that millions of people get drunk everyday without robbing banks

(18)

Brigitta Callens. Safe for Spiders. Not Safe For Work

Saddam captured while playing Santa In Montana mall

Former Sen. Roth died today, will be remembered by investors forever

Man repeatedly dials 911 and demands that police arrest his house cat. Police arrive, but it wasn't the cat that got arrested

Did a mosquito bite defeat Alexander? Is he the most famous victim of West Nile Virus? Here comes the science and speculative history

(This is not true.)

Caption the Iraqi Information Minister commenting on todays news

(130)

When trains run themselves

(23)

Man making moonshine for Christmas arrested after burning entire garage to the ground

(Denver Post)

Modern Drunkard stands up for right to be falling-down drunk

Hospital superbug now carried by pets. Your dog wants to give you leprosy

(23)

Canada to charge music royalties on MP3 players

Garbage disposal starts spewing money: All your yen are belong to us

Man on fishcycle attacked by giant spider

(114)

(TTR2)

Danish blonde delight - Tanja Dexters (not safe for work). This link has been certified 100% spider-hole free

(Middletown Press)

Fund seeks to help town with beaver problem

Saddam Hussein captured by U.S. forces in Tikrit. DNA testing confirms identity. You submitted this with a funnier headline

AudioEdit: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (link goes to everything you need)

(The News Herald)

Blind hunter shoots second deer. Also, this is the thread that farkers chose to begin commenting on Saddam's capture (while the admins were sleeping). The thread is closed, but you can still see what farkers had to say

(too many)

(Mel Sharples)

Scavenger hunt. Create a photoshop utilizing images of Norman Fell, a snow monkey, a unicycle, a compound fracture and the interior of Disneyland's Club 33. Link goes to Vic Tayback

(Knoxville News Sentinel)

(24mainstreet.com)

These sexy ladies are not safe for work

(68)

Woman eats junk food in her sleep. Obesity ensues

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Sat December 13, 2003:

# of Comments

(The Clarion Ledger)

Couple pulls off eloborate prison escape, driving cross country with dyed hair, stolen license plates and make it to California. Check into motel using real name

(58)

Magic mushrooms legally on sale in Scotland. Damned hippies

(105)

10-year-old girl lands top soccer job

(32)

(Arizona Daily Sun)

Stoned slugger sans sense summons security, soon sent stirward

(Car Domain)

Man solves problem of how to put 14-inch rims on a lawnmower

(The Post)

Dad who smoked pot with his four- and six-year-old kids might not get Father of the Year award after all

(114)

(Sun Herald)

Outfitting your kitchen for about $30k or so

(89)

(Daily Interlake)

Photoshop this wasp on a rose (thanks to TotalFarker Halah for re-hosting the original)

(116)

Tibetan chant CD's Grammy hope

A Kodak Moment of the worst sort

(117)

(Denver Post)

Police apprehend dumbest criminal ever. Left his cell phone at one robbery, driver’s license at another. No, it’s not the first time he’s left personal information at the scene

(Richmond Times-Dispatch)

Government credit cards used for lingerie and cremation, hopefully not at same time. Burn, baby, burn

Bush declares smackdown on Syria

(425)

(Daytona Beach News)

Teen tries to stop repossession by stealing car back. Hey, she's just a teen, give her an A for effort

Poor, sad, crippled frogs

Pack of seven pit bulls maul elderly woman to death

(151)

(redding.com)

Michigan State and Kentucky go for basketball attendance record inside Ford Field

These dolls can smoke, juggle, play the mandolin and perform magic tricks. And, being of 19th-century French vintage, they often do it all with a well-groomed dog in tow, along with a cigarette and a stuck-up attitude

Who actually invented the EZE Bloodless Castrator? A jury had to decide

(Roanoke.com)

Man swears he didn't know that giving Valium with wine chaser to woman would kill her

(StamfordAdvocate.com)

Police finally catch the Band-Aid Bandit. Nelly clear from all suspicion

(13)

(Grand Forks Herald)

One fourth of all Roman Catholic priests want celibacy to be optional

(Bristol Herald-Courier)

Feds raid Business of the Year for illegal guns -- LOTS of illegal guns

Remember Dark Tower, the 1980s board game? Here it is in Flash

(114)

(MySA)

The star of Bethlehem: Here comes the science

(ThisIsLancashire)

Clergy angry at "fancy dress" baby Jesus, must never have seen Buddy Christ

(20)

"My grandmother," Grazer says, delighted both by the absurdity and the point it helps him make, "turned me on to Deep Throat"

Elementary school teacher breaks state law by building gingerbread house

(Hindustan Times)

Scientists track changes in rainfall patterns caused by urban sprawl

(20)

Streetsweeper finds a Detroit Lions players paycheck in parking lot

Shoe manufacturer gives $1,000 for each year the employee has worked there as Christmas bonus

(122)

Photoshop Taiwan President Chen Shui-bian tasting a grapefruit

(100)

Abusive ghost haunts and taunts elderly woman

(29)

(Pioneer Press)

The life of a sugar-beet truck driver

(post-gazette.com)

Lucid dreamers claim to learn skills while asleep; proclaimed experts at Britney-sex in the rise

(142)

Old woman claims she is Strom Thurmond's illegitimate, mixed-race child. Press conference-ilarity to ensue Wednesday

(109)

(Limerick Leader)

Limerick woman becomes second bangharda in town's history. Not clear on what that means, but it apparently has Limerick townspeople excited

(KTUL)

Police recover stolen meat during a traffic stop

(AL.com)

Judge bars anyone with a cold, cough or flu-like symptoms (as well as children) from her courtroom. Cold and flu medicines surrender

(chichestertoday.co.uk)

Was it a ghost... or just something in the beer? With convincing photo

After you've searched for vampire bats and fought komodo dragons, finding a cure for Ebola is a snap

"The dog wash. Talkin 'bout the dog wash, yeah"

New low-cost airline will offer in-flight karaoke, dance competitions, a library of 300 DVDs and a pub. That is one pub you do not want to get bounced out of

Huddersfield Farkers -- purchase and start the first Fark pub for only £1

(11)

(www.boston.com)

"Pssst, hey buddy... wanna buy a cow?"

(madison.com)

Ugly-ass baby tapir born (pic)

Former F1 racer caught speeding on scooter. Loses case, respect

Keiko the Whale dies. Freedom is served

(94)

(Some Farker)

AudioEdit a Fark.com theme song (link goes directly to example)

"You come on my show!" "No you come on mine!" "No my show is better!" "No, you're a fat cow!"

Man saved from drowning by his false leg

ADHD is a myth. Parents lose best reason to not deal with their kids

(486)

Photoshop the best way to display Christmas lights. Link goes to GIS

New cell-phone chip to run 10 percent faster and consume 50 percent less power. Expect an unlimited monthly fee

(KITV)

Wal-Mart recalls candle-gift collection covered with flammable paint

(63)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Fri December 12, 2003:

# of Comments

1. Send Antoine Walker to a much better team. 2. ??? 3. Ruin his career

(70)

(The Omaha Channel)

Police officer fired for taking $111 from man he arrested for shoplifting

Is Mars mission healthy?

How has money (or the lack of money) ruined your relationship? Share your most wallet-and-heart-wrenching story. Voting enabled

(173)

Jobless artist sells snowballs for $1 during blizzard. And succeeds

Chilean alien twin

(Dr Menlo)

Boobies to brighten up your day (not safe for work)

(itv.com)

Not content with his pilot license, Travolta ponders offer to get his shuttle license

Farker shanrick is fed up with religious solicitors knocking on his door. Create a sign for the front door. Link goes to nutbar

(132)

(theage.com.au)

Interview with a topless barmaid

(sharky)

Shark bite bids begin at $350

(FOX23news)

Police say man who grabbed bottle of rum and ran from liquor store apparently never saw the pole

U.S. officer fined for harsh interrogation tactics

(111)

"Master and Commander," featuring Russel Crowe, is knocking out audiences, literally

Half of Americans may have a brain infection that slows their responses and makes them take risks

Paul Martin sworn in as Canada's first English-speaking PM in 10 years

New Homestar Runner main page

(65)

Microsoft products now swastika free

(82)

Hitachi will offer methanol fuel cells for their PDAs in 2005

Home-built, single-engine airplane pilot stranded in Antarctica being refused help by U.S., N.Z. bases there, because they don't want to encourage other dumbasses

Government cracking down on rogue monks who build Buddha statues without permission

(25)

P2P declared legal in Canada

(160)

Sacramento Fark / SportsByBrooks / RetroCrush party tonight, 7pm - 11pm PST

(KSL TV)

Is there anything that cheese can't do?

(News Hax)

Las Vegas releases odds for Mars probe trifecta-of-failure

How to make an elephant out of meat. Cocktail weenies everywhere surrender

(Scientific American)

Sand dunes can pass right through each other while maintaining their size and shape

(72)

Scientists have decoded genome of bacterium which could clear up radioactive waste and possibly even generate electricity

Grocery store owner evicts youth counseling/rec center. Should also buy stock in glass-replacement company

(22)

If you shoot your TV remote, is it destroyed before it transmits

OPEC wants us to keep paying them if Kyoto causes us to shift to less-terrorism-supporting energy means

(153)

Man found shot to death on 'X' marking JFK assassination site

(76)

Bush expects Halliburton to pay back money it overcharged the government. Cheney adds: nudge nudge, wink wink

(300)

Italians to turn off their TVs en masse this weekend to protest crappy programming. Establishments offering discounts to those bringing in their TV remotes

Award-winning British film producer fined for trying to smuggle 217 frogs, lizards and snakes out of Australia

(Des Moines Register)

Judge grants divorce to lesbian couple; forgets that they weren't technically allowed to get married on the first place

(137)

(Hoosier Gazette)

Convicted BBQ strip club owner breaking charitable fund raising records

Taxi driver unzips his pants and finds a mummified homeless man

High school students caught trying to buy cafeteria food with fake $20s printed on construction paper

Whale nursery discovered in Chile. Texans challenge them to cook-off

Michigan Automotive plant hands out $15 Christmas bonus to hourly employees, then declares it taxable gift

(139)

Judge orders man blinded for acid attack. Punishment to take place at public sports stadium

(176)

Theme: Yu-Gi-Oh cards that should never exist

Today is the 471st anniversary of "Our Lady of Guadalupe" Christian miracle. Rut-ro, here comes the science

(166)

(twincities.com)

Working replica of 1903 Wright brothers' Flyer nearly impossible

Over-achieving whale beaches itself over 1000 miles inland

Spam company argues that their Windows Messenger pop-up ads "in the long run [it] will do you good."

(122)

Even Jesus wants to look like David Beckham

Celebrate her 33rd birthday with this hot Jennifer Connelly gallery (safe for work)

(151)

(The Post)

Dear drunk drivers: The police will not be looking for you until December 19. Swerve accordingly. Sincerely, the Governor

How did Tolkien come up with the languages for Middle Earth?

(207)

(Richmond Times-Dispatch.)

Magnetorheological fluid armor will turn our soldiers into invulnerable merchants of death

(132)

County tries to bar witch from leading prayer. Your officials want stake

(387)

English university commissions its own brands of speciality beers. American universities are punked

AudioEdit: The nicest sound you ever heard

Wild boar decides life as a fish isn't fun after all

Flu kills Colorado woman... never mind that she was already 82 years old. Crank up the paranoia propaganda bandwagon.

(254)

(Victoria Advocate)

District Attorney: "Putting a gun up to his friend's head and pulling the trigger was reckless."

(WTOP)

Earth's magnetic force dropping

(250)

Interior decorator plummets four stories to his death in Hong Kong. Martha Stewart slams pattern of splat, says floral petal pattern would be more eye-appealing

(32)

Ag officials recall potpourri with pine cones infested with damn, hippy beetles

Your opportunity to thank the fark staff for a job well done this year. Also fun to see how odd some of us seem to be

(256)

(Herald Sun)

Catfight over $87,000 doghouse

(Dognews)

Pug number one dog in country. Will Smith has no comment

(143)

Texas pulls death row last meal info from website after objections it was in bad taste

(113)

Sixty-two percent of drivers flirt while driving. Sixty-one percent can drive with their wang while hollering "HEY, BABY"

New EU rules would require wild game to have a health certificate before it can be hunted. Hello McFly, animals don't have pockets, where will they carry the paperwork?

(74)

Bob Barker turns 80 today. Boobies, secrets of Price is Right, and kicking Adam Sandler's ass in "Happy Gilmore" revealed

(106)

Science has cured the stink produced by cooking Brussels sprouts. There's still no cure for cancer, incidentally

Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise fined $25,000 for allowing worker to fall into a bucket of hot fat

(70)

Man fighting legal battle to make stalking a constitutionally protected right comes to a screeching halt when Supreme Court rules he's a sick bastard after all

(Gainesville Sun)

Chicken salad with cranberries and almonds sounds bad enough, but now it has Listeria monocytogenes goodness

Passenger in trouble for getting hand caught in seat while groping stripper boobies on the cross-town bus

Scientists put cancer on the back burner, concentrate on getting worms drunk instead

(26)

Photoshop popular-culture icons betraying their ethics

(175)

(Greenville Online)

Man grabs kitchen knife during argument, cuts his own face, calls 911, blames it on man he was arguing with. Jailarity ensues

(17)

First steel beam goes up at WTC

St. Pauli Girl Neriah Davis (Not safe for work)

(93)

Thumbs up to male masturbation and jaw transplants, thumbs down to ice-cube enemas and eating slugs -- a year of weird medicine

Debt collector shut down for harassing and abusing people by making false reports to ruin their credit, calling their neighbors, talking to children about their parents' debts, threatening to take people's homes. Tony Soprano amused

(kget.com)

"We'll Kick Your Ass" message on squad car elicits a cornucopia of response

Iraqi pop stars are now free to rock the casbah without being urinated upon by Uday

Second graders' gingerbread men kidnapped and held for ransom

Wine loves a cave

(40)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Thu December 11, 2003:

# of Comments

"ROTK" to feature 12, count 'em, 12 endings ("spoilers")

(215)

(Discover)

Mighty prehistoric sea beasts were no match for the evil killer trees of Devonian period

(Some Geek Gamer)

Photoshop farker bandushi's pie-eating coworker

(102)

U.S. missile-defense test successful. Darth Vader surrenders

(179)

(Some Witness)

What have you done to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses?

(431)

Well no wonder he found the largest prime number, he had two gigahertz of memory. Homsar still a million ladies tall

(181)

Pentagon finds Halliburton overcharged (puts pinky to mouth) 61 MILLION DOLLARS for gasoline in Iraq

(276)

Off-color remarks about a burrito = lawsuit

Thai doctor arrested for running fake fertility clinic. Gave women injections that made them fat so they'd think they were pregnant. With pic of protesters dressed as sperm

David Letterman offers Oprah Winfrey invitation to show for an 'hour of healing'. Rubs baked ham on it for good measure

Brack released from hospital. Zorack and Spaysgost unavailable for comment

(journalnet.com)

Drunk driver compounds stupidity by cruising down interstate on three wheels. Leaving a big bud of marijuana on front seat won't get an invite from MENSA, either

Boy bitten, strangled, nearly eaten by python at "Uncle Bill's" pet store. Litigation ensues

Hot chicks make men dumb. In other news, eating food makes you poop

Holy crap, they actually did it. Virginia Attorney General files felony spam charges, arrests asshat spammer

(125)

Dow closes above 10,000 mark. Liberals asking Santa for Bush sex scandal or hidden cannibalism past to surface

Porn University teaches you how to make money off dead kittens

(58)

The Flavor Flav alarm clock, for all your giant clock-wearing, ghetto-fabulous wake up needs

(134)

(scienceblog.com)

Science has identified the brain protein responsible for intoxicating effect of alcohol. Wake me when they isolate and destroy part of protein responsible for loud bar-room talking and drunken bear hugs

(68)

17th-century Javanese coins found in mud along River Thames. King Pakubuwono held for questioning

Join Drew, Brooks, SbB Girls, Robert of retroCRUSH and win Sony PS2 in Sacramento this Friday night.

(60)

(The Animal Rescue Site)

Theanimalrescuesite.com not getting enough click-throughs to continue feeding abandoned animals. Please help them out so that no kitty must suffer before being killed by God and Farkers. Your dog wants click-thrus

(135)

Couple robbed while watching Bad Santa. Citizens of earth robbed when they paid to watch "Santa with Muscles"

Man sentenced to six months for indecently assaulting tourists

Asshat customer refuses to show ID for lottery ticket. Cashier decides to buy it; wins $25,000

Lesbian bar in Manhattan turning straight. Apparently was just going through post-college experimental phase

(122)

Couple gets engaged during online chat with Laura Bush. The First Lady was quoted as saying, "CONGRADULATIONS11111 LOL IM SO HAPY FOR U1.11.1.1.11 OMG"

Head-on crash kills man. Bicyclist charged with careless driving

Principal discovers man's unqualified twin standing in for him to counsel students, forgets to report it

Photoshop what would be on Drew's Ark

(85)

(Daily Telegraph)

Jehovah's Witnesses gathered in Sydney will baptise 500 adults dressed in "modest beach attire"

(194)

(NBC)

Construction workers hogtie a 400-pound hog found cruising on the freeway

MSU student finds largest prime number. It was apparently just sitting there the whole time

(227)

Halftime show of Capital One Bowl to unveil best college mascot of 2003. Winner to be belted over the head with baseball bat

(Richmond Times-Dispatch)

Pizza parlors adapting to Atkins diet by putting body-building powders, snot, hockers into "special" orders

(161)

Reindeer herding deadliest job. Grandma obviously not available for comment

Today's "irate housewife slicing off her husband's penis" story is brought to you by the city of Manila

(121)

Felonies can cause immigration problems

(97)

Red-faced Aussie police -- who are investigating two men in Ku Klux Klan hoods that sped past a police camera at twice the legal speed limit while making rude gestures -- have admitted the offenders were senior constables

(94)

Man with absolutely no future wowing audiences by clucking like a chicken to holiday tunes

Exclusive Interviews with Return of the King folks, including Peter Jackson and Liv Tyler's boobies

(80)

Nostradamus turns 500 this Sunday. Snopes surrenders

Is that your cell phone or did you have chili for lunch?

(107)

(Jacksonville.com)

Annual "only fruitcakes like fruitcake" article

U.S. Postal Service slams "Mad TV" sketch showing postal workers arguing over who shoots first, apparently unaware that postal shootings went out with Soundgarden and the L.A. riots

(142)

(Fredericksburg.com)

Queer feet for the straight guy?

(71)

(Harrison Daily Times)

Stealing cat litter? Make sure the bag doesn't leak

Fruitcakes not welcome on commercial airlines, especially fruitcakes with parachutes as carry-on baggage

(75)

Man pleads guilty to tricking juvenile Internet users into viewing porn. Receives thank-you cards from victims after going to jail

Queen bees stung by new EU rules that only allow a retinue of 20 bees to accompany the queen on her voyage

(45)

Car painted to look like it's covered in bird poop could soon grace Trafalgar Square

Sex between New Zealand women and boys under 16 is being outlawed

(100)

Where does Hegre find these perfect specimens? Not safe for work

(179)

AudioEdit the theme song from your favorite TV show. Link goes to the show with the best theme song ever

(40)

(WTOP News)

Docs find gene that blocks Alzheimer's, even remember where they put it

(Long Island Press)

Amy Fisher analyzes the Michael Jackson charges

(86)

(Omaha World-Herald)

Woman's leather coat shields her from injury by stray blowgun dart. Big bad wolf unavailable for comment

(25)

Whimsy for your special nerd

(Some Trifector)

Photoshop a shark, a quark and a bark. Link goes to useless GIS. Voting enabled

(Unfaith)

After Fark helped our Metallica hoax make history, Unfaith made the finals of the International Songwriting Competition. How far can we take this? Help us kick the butts of some established artists. (Thanks)

(178)

MMOrpg's for hardcore players? The Loch Ness monster of gaming

(213)

There are practical jokes, and then there's this classic pulled off in Cockermouth, Cumbria

(143)

(Some Nerd)

Pen tricks: Ever wanted to learn how to do a reverse sonic or a triple infinity?

(nbc10.com)

Philadelphia man, hit in face with snowball, whips out gun at kids who threw it. Reportedly says "Hey man... why you wanna hit me in the face with a slushball for, man?"

(Some Farker)

List of children raised by animals. Your dog wants children

(106)

Aussie politics are cool: Labor leader Mark Latham accused of "leaving a trail of human wreckage by abandoning his first wife and breaking the arm of a taxi driver. " Latham previously called a female journalist a "skanky ho"

(Billings Gazette)

Cheezborger, cheezborger, cheezborger, no coke -- lawsuit

(Prospect.org)

History lesson: How American liberals defeated communism

Courtney Love takes a time out from rehab, goes club hopping (w/truly excellent pic)

(162)

Scientists create sperm from stem cells. Men declared obsolete

(94)

More details, mumbles emerge from Ozzy Osbourne ATV accident

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Wed December 10, 2003:

# of Comments

Theme: Jennifer Love Hewitt defacing other national icons

Beer and boobies in a game, what could be better? (Not safe for work)

Landover Baptist warns that Return of the King isn't about Jesus

Santa Speedo Run 4.0

(Las Vegas Sun)

New driving-rehab program to force elderly off the roads

Are you grammatically correct? Take this quiz and find out

(AutoWeek)

Curvy Swede with "very good body control" and a penchant for getting dirty ready to take on Los Angeles

More good news for geeks: Jocks more prone to sudden death

Female mayor takes pictures wearing nothing but chain of office, pictures stolen and posted on Internet. Hilarity ensues

(180)

(The Car Connection)

Hummer introduces yet another scorched-earth SUV concept, now with a larger bed to better accomodate oversized egos and various carcasses of endangered-species

(147)

(Herald Sun)

If you're a cop, you should know better than to rob a house that is under surveillence

(The Miami Student)

You don't hear of an 11-foot wooden penis on public property too often. Now you have

(Newsfilter)

Katie Holmes brings some joy into your life (not safe for work)

(PalmBeachPost)

Girl buys whippets, gets high, crashes car... parents naturally sue the store where she bought the whippets. Your whippet wants steak

(262)

(latimes.com)

Veteran LAPD captain is accused of selling bootleg DVDs to undercover officers

Saddam to be tried "in absentia." Not sure where that is, but Saddam probably ain't gonna show up

(120)

Expert says only vegetarians should be allowed to run for public office, including the presidency

(81)

Hong Kong officials ask McDonald's to stop putting seasoning on fries that contains chemical known to alter genes. Gene-altered fatasses cry foul, ask for seconds

Priest charged with making obscene phone calls to 70-year-old woman

(some historian )

Photoshop modern stuff into the Bayeaux Tapestry. Difficulty = stitchwork

(116)

FDA gives go-ahead to glowing pet fish

(93)

AOL set to launch its own dating service. Welcome. You've got herpes

(105)

Many people prefer to spend the holidays solo, but other folks won't leave them alone

(158)

Pumpkin Man's appeal rejected, must return to cell with Tossed Salad Man

University paying students to use cocaine... another sign of the Apocolypse

(194)

First person to fly home-built single-engine plane over South Pole is now stranded in Antarctica

Memento from notorious 18th-century Scottish sex club is up for sale

Restaurants have started offering diners "doggy bags" for any leftover wine. Your dog wants merlot

(72)

(Fredericksburg.com)

Happy 100th birthday to the ice-cream cone. Yum

(45)

Farmer has spent almost $320,000 with dating agency – without meeting one woman. Looking forward to recouping his losses from his new Nigerian friend

(111)

(WTOP News)

School-bus driver has wreck, exits bus to exchange info, gets waxed by passing car

(70)

Housewife arrested for bombarding neighbor all night with noise from a dozen radios and alarm clocks

(63)

Wild boar lost at sea rescued after two days. The green slime made it extra delicious

Going on vacation makes you stupid. Girls Gone Wild creator not likely to disagree

How Monty Python changed the world

(442)

(Fredericksburg.com)

Nude calendar designated as athletic supporter

Opera singer to be reunited with starving soldier that sang to his family as payment for taking some eggs during World War II

(Plainview Daily Herald)

“It was a horrible experience. I would never have thought I would get hit by a cow”

Privately managed prison starts "perks for perps" prisoner-reward program

Avy Scott, hot blonde goddess. (Not safe for work)

(143)

Formula One champion to race fighter jet

(WISC Channel3000.com)

Another case straight from the pages of Fark.com's textbook of freak-outs: 59-year-old man urinates on himself and strips naked while trying to buy a map at a college bookstore

(80)

(wsoctv.com)

Man finds misplaced parking ticket from 1965. Mails it in with correct postage and written apology

Theme: Other explanations for UFOs. Link goes to Northern Ohio UFO

(WGAL Channel)

When planning to go on killing spree, don't post it in an online forum

(116)

Watchdog group worried that loophole in new sex laws could see chains of "McBrothels" opening up. What's wrong with a "Happy Meal" every now and again?

(78)

Springer Spaniel who breaks Iraqi terrorist cell awarded the splendiferously titled "People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals Dickin Medal." Previous recipients include 32 pigeons, 23 dogs, three horses and a cat since 1943

(WGAL Channel)

Today's dumbass tracks-through-the-snow criminal is brought to you by Selinsgrove, PA

Did you just say parakeet?

(140)

Delectable Dasha enjoys the pool -- several kittens drown in the process

AudioEdit the tech support call from hell. Link goes to inspiration

Remember that "If One Goes, They All Go" mountain-climbing mantra? It works

Vermont will secede from the union due to "imperial overstretch" and "corporate homogenization." Other 49 states giggle and give advice to avoid door/ass incident

(248)

(Some College Student)

Finals getting you down? Check out 50 ways to beat those end-of-semester blues

(84)

Mission to Jupiter's moons planned. My God, they're full of stars

Dissatisfied with slowly choking the environment to death, the government decides to speed up the process by injecting pollution directly into the earth

(174)

(Some Wino)

Wine pairings for what you actually eat -- merlot with Mongolian beef, chardonnay with quesadillas

The Matrix Online MMORPG to launch summer of 2004. Expect your philosophy-studying cousin, movie-dork brother and every English-speaking AOL tech-support guy to disappear roughly around that time

(140)

(NBC17.com)

Teen arrested after setting another teen on fire after he refuses to inhale gasoline

Woman experiences minor freak-out after jetski plunges through living room wall. Being 20 miles inland probably added to said freak-out (w/pics)

Colin Powell appoints James Brown to new position of "Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk." Good Gawd

Group warns about "killographic" games

(138)

Photoshop newspaper headlines for Election Day 2004

(Wichita Eagle)

Quik Trip stores switch to Krispy Kremes. "It's like a police substation on every corner" says stores owner

(Some DevTeam)

New version of the classic Nethack. People who "get it" rejoice

(85)

Man goes to police station . . . with heroin . . . in his ear. Jailarity ensues

(Some Pulse Jet Guy)

Build your own cruise missile

Kofi Annan and the UN want to control the Internet. Americans declare that their Internet porn will have to be pried from their cold dead hands

(105)

Mandy Moore has boobs and is proud of them

(126)

(Newsmax)

Ronald Reagan's Greatest Laughs

(161)

Director of ATF to head the Anti-Piracy Unit of the RIAA

(Denver Post)

Stylists at "Little Off the Top" salon wear nothing butt lingerie

Freak hailstorm beats almighty crap out of Australian city of Gladstone

Eminem's younger brother has a website... yeah, it's embarrassing

(too many)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Tue December 09, 2003:

# of Comments

(WLBT.com)

Furniture Company donates new bedroom suite after 11-year-old writes letter explaining that her mom's was falling apart

(Red and Black)

Wal-Mart announces warning over loud speaker as students hold rave in bathroom, fashion show in the electronics department (with pic)

(132)

Why do coupons have a cash value of some miniscule fraction of a cent?

In case you hadn't yet, meet Fok, Fark's little Dutch brother

(78)

(Rapid City Journal)

College student dies while trying to cut down a Christmas tree drunk

The 2002 Abercrombie & Fitch catalog was titled "Drinking 101" and featured 54 exposed breasts. This year's is "The Sex Ed Issue'" -- farkers, the scavenger hunt begins now. (Not safe for work)

(162)

FarkSC tired of being called a bad kitty. Vote on new submission rejection message for Drew. (Link goes to google of "bad kitty")

(115)

Old man shoots landlord over $10 rent hike. Police say we'll see your bullet and raise

Theme: If the South won the war... Link goes to inspiration

(145)

Beetle that sprays boiling liquid from its abdomen is focus of attempt to build better aircraft engine

(89)

(MSN)

Right way to squeeze a pimple

(419)

Prostitutes rally for brothel legislation to make Olympic sex easier

Now this, this is a REAL woman... 40's style (SFW)

(117)

(Omaha World-Herald)

Police robbery-training session sparks hilarity when cops pretend to rob unknowing gas-station clerks

If you're a spammer, the Mafia are out to tax you

Two one-legged inmates skip jail

Woman strips outside power-company office, convincing them to reconnect her electricity

Ashton Kutcher's L.A. restaurant robbed at 7:00am -- APB out for "Pumpkin" and "Honeybunny"

(brunei-online.com)

Man gets fined for smuggling alcohol into country, decides best way to pay fine is to smuggle even more alcohol. Hilarity ensues

(23)

(KIRO)

Man uses front-end loader to burglarize car wash. Does not get away clean

(14)

(USGS)

Somebody set up Virginia the quake

(253)

Former Sen. Paul Simon of Illinois Dies

(162)

Microsoft Word 2004 will have auto-unsummarize feature to create big reports from a few words

(The San Diego Channel)

Life imitates Spy Hunter. Oil dumped on roadways

After stealing $44k, try to keep your car under 85 mph

(The Omaha Channel)

Carjacker takes down female officer, steals her gun. Passersby beat and mace carjacker senseless

(133)

(Grand Forks Herald)

A fruitcake spends $600 on fruitcake

(22)

"The Bachelor" and the woman he chose have broken up. Who could see a relationship of such depth, quality and substance not lasting?

(65)

Did you know? Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake contains peanuts? Go figure

(82)

Job applications increase 80 percent when ad changed to include "must like chocolate"

(15)

(Some PoliSci Farker)

Do you have a favorite U.S. president?

Dog rescued from 40 tons of waste. Anna Nicole says she was just trying to be nice...

(13)

(Wausau)

"When there's a full moon, it's just a bunch of crazy stuff" said police inspector before howling at the moon

(Smooth Criminal)

Photoshop "evidence" of your favorite celebrity committing a crime

(119)

My boyfriend keeps having sex with baked goods. What should I do?

Confidential investigation by police and child welfare workers concludes sex-abuse charges against Michael Jackson "unfounded"

Help support the making of a zombie movie by our friends at I-Mockery

Tommy Lee and Pink still in heat, dryhumping in front of urinals and making out with another girl

(170)

Gambler gives finger to wife in effort to prevent her from divorcing him

Boy's rare illness requires him to eat junk food and drink beer

Nursery rhymes produce warped view of dangers of head injuries

Ten-year-old boy invents gadget that makes it impossible for drivers to be caught by speed cameras

(NY Daily News)

Jessica Alba has a cocktail and then performs a steamy dance scene in a skin-baring outfit

(168)

Flying pig dies in pen. Now performing for line at Pearly Gates

Wanna-be ninja freaks out and assassinates milkman

(93)

New York City is drowning in bird poop. Stop laughing, it's true

(56)

U.S. warns China, Taiwan as tensions rise: "You two settle down over there, or we'll send in the dynamite bacon monkeys"

(157)

Coke decides to take on iTunes, launches Cokester

(Some Old Rocker)

AudioEdit a montage of your musical influences. It has a good beat and you can dance to it

(link goes nowhere)

TFer UncleScam wants to quit smoking on 1/1... Would love to hear some advice, suggestions, experiences or polkas

(395)

(The Australian)

Saddam has killed over 61,000 people in his reign. Hippies still think war was wrong

Andy Serkis got his inspiration for Gollum's voice from observing his cats hack up hairballs

American holocaust eminent

(362)

(Daily Interlake)

Photoshop this winter traffic jam

(131)

Inventive criminals are constructing homemade spike strips which are used against police cars during high-speed chases (w/pic)

(stolen from the NYTimes)

Billionaire George Soros vows to effect regime change in the United States. Dubya surrenders

(212)

(badmovies.org)

Presenting "Crippled Masters," the first kung-fu movie to feature dupaplegic fighters. Review, plus images, and videos

(65)

(Some American Worker)

U.S. programmers work at overseas salaries. India surrenders

(155)

National Rifle Association is shopping for a radio or TV station it can buy so it can be declared a "news organization" exempt from campaign-spending limits.

(86)

"We can implant entirely false memories." Scientist demonstrates on Alan Alda. Sidney Freedman surrenders

(85)

Burglars shoot themselves

(26)

Growing herbs in the hood -- real anarchists farm in downtown Detroit

(Modbee)

Mayor files complaint after repeatedly having to ask sheriff's deputy not to call him "dude"

Don't celebrate being elected judge by getting drunk at Hillary Duff concert and fondling 10-year-old girl

Eighty percent of Fisher Price toys have some type of electronic components. Skynet likes the possibilities

(18)

How greed and hubris have affected Boeing

Car bomb in Iraq injures 32 US soldiers

(153)

Funk legend George Clinton arrested for possession of cocaine. Everybody get funked up

(84)

TechTV and G4 TV to merge?

(eWeek)

IBM announces new chips that are even smaller and more powerful than the last chips they announced were smaller and more powerful

Canadian pot seller to issue IPO, says "the first one's free"

Australia is looking to host clinical trials of bionic eyes

"Snot freezes" ad generates some negative reaction

Great God Almighty. Israeli post office suffering God's wrath for opening his mail

(Omaha World-Herald)

Iowa National Guardsmen plant first crop of corn in Iraq. Is this Heaven? No, it's Baghdad

(georgewbush.com)

President Bush runs negative campaign ad saying how Democrats are negative

(268)

To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants.

Mon December 08, 2003:

# of Comments

(The Omaha Channel)

Eleven-year-old Omaha boy finds bottle of vodka at slumber party. Hospitality ensues

(O'Reilly Press)

Photoshop a cover for Wil Wheaton's next O'Reilly book

(72)

If you HAD to choose either the car or the girl, which would it be? (One image NSFW)

(259)

James Brown, receiving Kennedy Center honors, says, "Ab azooo dah workin' man, hah"

(The Daily News)

Today's "Old Person Driving Badly" episode brought to you by Longview, Washington

(69)

Ozzy Osbourne seriously injured in ATV crash. Doctors hopeful that he will mumble incoherently again

(131)

New federal building opens in Oklahoma City... without the ATF. "The new building has been called one of the safest in the country"

Why don't planes get hit by lightning in thunder storms?

(amarillo.com)

It don't mean a thang if it aint got that twang. Researcher studies why some Texas yokels use different slang than the rest of the yokels

(128)

Underage sex, binge drinking, drug abuse, smoking and poor diet are contributing to epidemic of bad health amongst teens

(117)

(Nature)

Genetically engineered pig organs survive in monkeys. Mmmmm, monkey bacon

Lawyer causes $1,000 in damage to co-worker's office equipment during incident urine-rage

(58)

Convicted Saudi Arabian murderer spared execution after tribal sheikhs persuade victim's father to accept $1.33 million in return for his life

Santa overheats while giving kids candy, plans to wear bikini next year

Gore to endorse Dean. Democrats let out a collective yawn

Neve Campbell working on a comeback (safe for work)

(135)

You know you want one -- Bobblehead Jesus

(324)

Huge python dies after going on Anna Nicole diet

Mobile spy camera being used to target untended poo

Painting found in Boston attic worth over $1 million. Your stuff still not worth anything

Study shows that rats given ADHD medicine are less likely to use cocaine later in their lives

(120)

Spoof of the LOTR and Harry Potter movies are being planned

(74)

Brave enough to buy a house in Detroit? Developers will throw in a free car for your garage

(71)

The heart of Louis XVII to be buried in royal crypt over 200 years after his death. Royalty delayed is royalty denied

Texas cops nab city-hall burglar who stole thousands in utility payments

(20)

(Las Vegas Sun)

Search underway in Maine for asshat students who went hiking during blizzard. Darwin looking for his cramp-ons

Woman cited for "creating an intentional interruption of the hunting process," after honking her car horn

(146)

Peter Jackson wants to film "The Hobbit." "The Greatest Adventure" is going to kick ass

(201)

Stunning French model Fabiana Tambosi. I'd surrender. Safe for work

(173)

(Some Horny Santa)

Create a SUBTLY inappropriate (and safe for work) holiday card

(Some Ninja)

"I'm immortal" says naked, sword-wielding maniac. "No, you aren't" says NYPD

(152)

(Xinhua.net)

Sex in private cars in China is a "human rights" issue

Heads-up display for motorcycle helmets coming

(The Australian)

Guards to protect Sweden's underwear billboards. Pubic has panties in a bunch

Be the talk of your office holiday party this year when you show up smelling like Wang

3.5-pound fish kills angler. Fish gets off

Complaining about the BCS is the journalistic equivalent of Gallagher smashing the watermelon

(124)

The defendant pleads "Arghh"

(NY Daily News)

Oprah disses Dr. Phil and David Letterman. In other news, 20 million housewives decide to dis Dr. Phil and David Letterman

(128)

Teacher wins £55,000 judgment after slipping on potato chip. Must not have been ridged

(56)

(Some Beaumont Guy)

New meaning to the term "trouser snake"

Hacky-sack catching on as social pastime in Florida. In other news, 1987 called and wants its footbags back

SCO must prove existence of Santa Claus in 30 days

Man pretends to commit suicide while on phone with friend, but police fail to get the joke. Jailarity ensues

I saw a shitload of turtles

Illiterate beggar girl stars in Afghan feature film called "Osama"

Zoo exhibit opens without twice-escaped gorillas, who now spend their days watching Spongebob Squarepants and listening to classic rock and roll

Anybody bought the Alien Quadrilogy yet?

(166)

Hang on to your toupees... three men arrested in rug-swapping scam that netted $150,000

Britain considers charging economic migrants 500 quid to enter the country. Also considering dress code, no jeans and sneakers rule

(45)

Classrooms left without teachers after early retirement offer by government sparks mass exodus

Toronto theatre collapses, traps five

(187)

(NY Daily News)

Bill Maher jokes about Bill Clinton blowjobs at a fundraiser for Hillary almost cause her to choke on her chicken

(421)

(Oregon Live)

Man searching for his dog uses white witch, four psychics and professional animal tracker. Sues pet-sitter for $160,000

Woman living in Britain being targeted by Thai government for displaying Thai flag on her porn site. It apparently has all the teenage prostitutes bent out of shape

Forcing kids to eat vegetables can traumatize them for life

NYC's Human Rights Commission is demanding that the maker of the video game Grand Theft Auto remove the phrase "Kill Haitians"

(171)

Peabo Bryson so broke he has his friends bailing him out at IRS auction of his valuables

College-prep expectations don't mesh with realities. The drinking is much more intense

(100)

Jumbo jet lands safely after crew noticed huge chunk of wing missing

(75)

Blind musher won't compete in Iditarod after blowing off mandatory rookies meeting

Man fishing finds torso in body, head in plastic bag; still disappointed he didn't catch any fish

Pancakes could revolutionize diagnosis of range of potentially fatal diseases

(69)

Transvestite artist wins prestigious Turner Prize. Accepts award dressed in pink dress with yellow bunnies (pic)

(221)

Kids who watch more television eat fewer vegetables

(60)

(Some Sound)

AudioEdit a cool computer startup/shutdown sound. Link goes to a sound-search webpage

(Some Farkette)

Photoshop this farkette's boyfriend and his boss in their server room for the front page of their company newsletter

(138)

Library book returned 84 years overdue. Mr. Bookman unavailable for comment

Insane ex-girlfriend completely destroys man's home in textbook freak-out

Motorcycle rider, 72, attacked by cardboard boxes on highway. Evel Kneivel does not ensue

Coming soon: "Girls Gone Wild," the restaurant chain

(60)

Hungry pigs barge into owner's house, knock gasoline container onto lit stove in apparent revenge for bacon

(29)

(nzherald.com)

Spirit of Brett Favre invades drunken, bottle-holding high school students celebrating end of school year

Sentences represented with pictures... freaky

(144)

(Some Wise Man)

Bible published in teen format. Glitziness next to Godliness ensues

(123)

(Duluth News-Tribune)

Now you can support your local Catholic parish -- just by saying, "Charge it"

Scientists prove Stradivarius was cool. Roll over, Beethoven

The amphibious RV

(107)

Man, trying to impress international travelers, whips stick of Powergel from his pants, saying "Look at what I've got, mate -- it's a stick of bloody Powergel"

Late mail delivery saves ass of live poisonous snake recipient

Construct a message out of nude men (not safe for work)

East Texas rednecks lay claim to small town, threaten police. Stupidity ensues