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Sun June 24, 2012
Inmates serenade Jerry Sandusky with Pink Floyd as he enters jail
Ric Romero reports that the rich and educated are healthier
Man run over by boat while sleeping in tent. Not a good way to wake
MoDOT making it more difficult for Illinoisians... Illinoisites... um... Illannoyances to cross Mississippi River tomorrow
Photoshop these shoe-wearing surf sisters
Prince Albert II of Monaco is auctioning off part of the luxury car collection started by his father Prince Rainier III. Yes indeed, there is some American metal in the collection
Photographer grieving over her mother's death from brain cancer creates breathtaking photo series in her memory. Bonus: not a slideshow
Riding on the school bus has always been a hellish experience, so why did it take a bullied elderly bus monitor before anyone took notice?
♫ Hey Mister Tally man, tally me banana / Daylight come and I need a new home / Six foot, seven foot, eight foot truck / Daylight come and I need a new home ♫
Even in this struggling economy, restaurants that specialize in sexy waitresses wearing short skirts and cleavage-baring tops are booming. "Servers can't have tattoos, piercings or dyed hair"
Flaming Volkswagen van commits Hara-Kiri
Old and busted: YOLO. New hotness: FOMO
Dogs given Prozac to stop them barking. Your dog wants to chill
Photoshop Gov. Walker and Rep. Ryan at a Romney campaign event in Wisconsin
Avocado pie? What is this, Communist Russia?
Two planes called back from runway and hundreds of passengers rescreened because TSA agents in Lane 1 a) found a hidden liquid b) received credible intelligence about a bomb, or c) didn't notice the metal detector was unplugged
*sniff* This is the most got dang beautiful thing subby has ever seen in his life. It makes the Vogner Char-King Imperiale look like crap
Black bears caught wrestling one another on a suburban lawn. Thankfully, this is not a euphemism
Over 5,500 firearms collected in Chicago's weapons buy-back program this weekend. In other news, only 14 people were shot this weekend so the program must be working
Mayor Bloomberg proposes public shaming of speeders, or as the rest of us call it, an official high score list
Oh, the weather in the Gulf is frightful / And the storm is getting an eye wall / But since it's got no place to go / Drop a 'sonde, drop a 'sonde, drop a 'sonde
Ugly "Mugly" mugs for the masses and wins the World's Ugliest Dog Competition in Petaluma, California
It Just Got Real: Turkey declares Syria shooting down of an F-4 as a "Hostile Act", seeking meeting with NATO
Deadeye: A 14-year-old boy shoots and nearly kills an intruder who broke into his Phoenix home and pulled a gun on him and his three younger siblings
If you're riding 50 in a 30 zone on the wrong side of the road whose fault is it when you crash and die? Hint: This happened in America
Several thousand future inmates protest Sheriff Joe Arpaio's Tent City Jail complex
Never has a headline stated a fact so clearly
Muslim Brotherhood's Mohammed Mursi wins Egyptian presidential election, becoming the first non-military president of Egypt
Coast Guard rescues 12 people from a boat burning in an Arizona lake. In other news, why is the Coast Guard in Arizona?
Do dogs really like to surf? Subby doesn't know, but recommends these geniuses try teaching a cat to surf first
Result of renaming Massachusettts state "colleges" to state "universities" is more spending on marketing instead of education
Fewer people are contesting traffic tickets since Massachusetts started charging a fee to plead not guilty
If you're a boy in the care of social services workers, you're going to have a hard time finding someone to take you in if the people taking care of you consider calling in an exorcist
Super-computer designed to predict the weather for the next 100 years gets it wrong inside 48 hours
Olympic bosses tell women who knit unofficial pullovers they are "denigrating" the ideal of world peace
Photoshop this canard causeway
Just for future reference, the going price for babies in the Dallas classifieds is $4,000
You know summer has finally arrived in Alaska when it's warm enough for a father and son -- both high on ecstasy, LSD and marijuana -- to fight each other over a woman outdoors in the nude
New helpline launched to help stop crime INSIDE jails
Jeff Beck is 68 today. It's just another day in the life for one of the greatest guitarists on the planet
Please Farkers, This is subby's little brother and he is raising his three kids on his own. He really thinks he's manly in this picture. Please Photoshop him in a "manly setting", and help prove older brothers RULE
Man calls 911 to report a chicken in his yard. That's clucked up
Old and busted: computer dating. New Hotness: Pheromone parties, where you smell shirts that others have slept in, to find your future mate
Teen tries to steal soda from vending machine and gets his arm completely stuck in the receiving slot, prompting an elaborate, hour-long rescue. It's crazy what kids will do to score some free Coke
Principal put on leave for allowing students to eat highly processed food
Sat June 23, 2012
Be sure to use the bathroom BEFORE entering into a standoff with police
If you're going to try to shoplift $53-worth of meat by shoving it down your pants, just get in your car and drive away. Don't stop to first remove your license plate
Seven-year-old British golf prodigy inspired by Happy Gilmore, marking perhaps the only time an Adam Sandler movie has brought anything besides utter desolation and hopelessness into the life of one of its viewers
Topless feminist disrupts psychic pig's feeding time (with thankfully pixellated pic)
Photoshop this wall watcher
Three Miami top chefs to hold weekend cook-off featuring python, wild boar and lionfish, to encourage Floridians to start eating the local invasive species
One intersection in San Diego generates 4,672 red light tickets per year (12.8 per day) at $480 a pop ... for your safety
The Beverly Hills Hilton can't catch a break: February, Whitney Houston died there. Friday, an elderly couple dies in a murder-suicide. Today, they host the Daytime Emmy Awards
Border Patrol detains former Arizona governor as radiation risk
Fark's favorite state is slowing sinking into the sea. Just don't tell them; we don't want the residents to move inland
I can cook to potato
Passenger gets refund from airline for sitting next to dead passenger during flight, visit from Orbitz Flying Saucer Discount Guy
You're the president of Earth. Aliens invade and demand that you nuke one American city. Which city do you choose? Difficulty: no Detroit
Photoshop theme: One for the ladies
Whatever happened to the days when they just spit in your food?
Eye for an eye, hair for hair? Judge orders Utah woman to cut off daughter's ponytail in court
This beats them all. Drummer accused of performing a sex act on himself while driving on a busy Interstate claimed woman saw him tapping his drumsticks, not his penis
Drunk driver hits your child in South Carolina? Get ready for a bill from the city for cleanup costs
The untimely death of a man who truly loved the clock
Genetic attraction is no longer confined to the state of Kentucky. Mom 32 who made sex tape with son, 16, is jailed for four years. With you'd make a tape too pic
25 of the most useless, expensive and awesome Items to spend your money on
Scientists determine that sea birds should have made the left turn at Albequerque
Starting your day off by downing a six-pack of beer in a grocery store parking lot is a good indicator the rest of the day is likely to go downhill
People can be trained to forget bad memories. Finally a cure for whatever a Bieber is
Today on Houseflippers, this home, originally bought for $15,000, is now listed for sale at $2,000,000
Parent apologizes after her 10 year old knocks one teacher unconscious and makes a cripple out of an aide....well, this is fark so you know better, parent blames the teachers
Ugly-ass baby raccoon freed from storm drain in Michigan, is, unfortunately, still stuck in Michigan
If your C-130 recently buzzed a lake in Vermont near the Canadian border, the VT state police, ANG, and FAA would like a word with you
Cow licks cat. The Daily Express is there
Being awake makes you fat
Photoshop this rare sighting of the bicyclesaurus in the wild
Equal Opportunity Employer seeking a security guard to protect a toy warehouse hires Millie the cat; compensation includes free meals and a uniform, but she has to work Caturdays
Pet tortoise wanders off, owners appeal for help in searching the 10-foot radius he could be in
Oxycodone pills, in my vagina? It's more likely than you think
Austrian father of the bride walks into kitchen at the wedding reception and sees his brand new son-in-law shtupping the waitress. CRIKEY
I'm not saying it was piranhas
"And this lovely 4 bedroom, 2 and a half bath features wood floors, central air, new kitchen appliances, and a stash of stolen semi-automatic firearms and a bonus AK-47"
Pass the salt. It is slug festival time in Washington state
Ga. Sheriff explains recently surfaced pictures of him in KKK attire. "It's purely political. This is just the lowest of the low to infer whatever they're attempting to infer there. We were Blazing Saddles characters"
Desert tour guide is on pins and needles waiting for cops to catch the spineless prick who mutilated a rare crested saguaro cactus. Bonus: Tour guide's name is Nettles
Chinese soccer fan dies after not sleeping for 11 days in order to watch every Euro 2012 match. Doctors suspect he died of boredom
You know the old ladies who give out food samples in Wal-Mart? Well, two of them got into a fight over a cutting board and one of them ended up stuck in a cooler. With hilarious video
First artwork from "Calvin & Hobbes" creator Bill Watterson in 16 years. You know damn well you want to click on this link
Fri June 22, 2012
Sandusky goes from Penn State to State Pen
Real life Hotwheels™ double loop stunt looks cool, totally safe
Did you ever see a car and just know in your heart it was the car for you? This isn't it
Stunning blonds, the world's best dad, Sideshow Bob and more. It's this week's Mugshot Roundup
Photoshop this room with a view
Cool: group wants to revive the original, positive connotations of the swastika. Facepalm: It's the Raelian UFO enthusiasts
Olive Garden and Red Lobster struggle to revive sales, as American appetite for authentic Italian foods and high-class seafood cuisine dwindles
Failure by numbers: 54 years old, 10:17AM, 2 cars, BAC .238
Truck crashes into West Memphis funeral home. Five hurt, unknown number dead
Sign you're in deep trouble #47: even your defense lawyer calls you criminally sane and says you should be sent to prison
$1,381,783.92 electric bill, "Oh, my gosh. That's a lot of money"
Seal pup recovering after being rescued from bathtub. Before you click, be prepared with your "Awwwwwwwwwwwww"
Shiat might have just gotten extremely real in the Mid-east as it appears that Syria may have shot down a Turkish Fighter jet
You know it's a BIG fish that you've caught when you have to call your friend with a gun to subdue it
Lifehacker tells you to "Pick the Right Watermelon by Looking at Its Bottom". Also useful for Friday night bar scene
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this magician in Madrid
Vietnamese American wins prize for sex work, thesis. I may have added a comma
What's worse than having a 16-foot tree fall on you? The 16-foot tree is a cactus
Clear your desks and take off your pants: it's time for the Fark Weird News Quiz
Now you can use a simple tool to discover which porn star you look like, although on a sliding scale, you may be disappointed to discover you're closer to Ron Jeremy than Tia Bella
Okay, now he's just showing off
Add capture-the-flag to the long list of childhood memories to be banned by lawyers
Paul and Storm video for their new song, "Write Like The Wind" which begs George R.R. Martin to get off his ass and write the rest of the damn series
Helicopter parents decide to open fire after their snowflake was passed over for valedictorian
New Greek finance minister finally looks at the debt tally
Colorado confirms a pet cat and a dead squirrel have tested positive for the bubonic plague
Beauty queen's cunning plan to shave off all her hair and donate it to the St. Baldrick's Foundation doesn't stop her from being crowned Miss Alaska
Cow attacks own reflection, jumps through window into woman's kitchen
Four teens charged with "drive-by squirting." Hey, I have that DVD
Woman hit by ball sues Little Leaguer two years later
Because it's not cool to be in Duluth, arctic animals migrate south to St. Paul
Online petition forces removal of billboard that boosts self-esteem of women
Reminder: If you must smoke pot, do not smoke it in public. If you must smoke pot in public, do not smoke it at 8 a.m. in the police department parking lot during the shift change. (w/ mugshot goodness)
Shockingly, the people dumb enough to believe that hoarding gold is a good idea, are also the ones not smart enough to avoid getting ripped off in the process
Don Draper. Rapping about Taxi. You're welcome (sponsored link)
Tropical Storm Debby heading for Texas. Sometimes the headlines really do write themselves
Boy survives world's most awesome unintentional waterslide
High school suspends girl for wearing a miniskirt. At a charity event. Away from school grounds
Man scored tickets to Miami Heat game but missed game after he saw some action from another team - SWAT
Not-so-happy memories of the big day. The 50 wedding photos that should never have been. Bonus: not a slideshow (some images might be Not safe for work)
2nd graders get sent to the corner for calling each other "fat", "low-life" or "liar", but what about the school board members? If you said, "call the cops", you get a gold star
What do cellulosic ethanol, an additive that the EPA requires be added by refiners to gasoline, and unicorns have in common?
"Emergency agencies converged in Bangor to fend off the devastation of a zombie apocalypse." Bangor? I shot her in the head
While you sat on you mom's couch eating doughnuts and biatching about campers on Modern Warfare 3, a legless man scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise money for clean water
Just what every flooded-out city hopes to see: A lawsuit from PETA
(Some Guy)
That guy's on heroin
Def. Sec. Leon Panetta, "We are running out of Al Queada No. 2s"
Man on drugs asked by a reporter if he's on drugs replies "what is drugs?" thereby inducting himself into the viral hall of fame
Blind woman confuses elderly roommate for trash bin. Surprised undertakers find Chex Mix, a diaper, and more in roommate's throat. "I pushed her tongue in and out popped a 10-inch rope"
Worker finds interesting way of turning ash into gold. His employers at crematorium not impressed
Rodney King's friends say weed had nothing to do with his death because when it comes to smoking, he was a "professional." Can't we all get a bong?
"We have a week to save the Eurozone." Must be a Friday
Teen stays up all night playing video game, goes to work at a movie theater, falls asleep on the drive home, crashes through a backyard wall and lands in a swimming pool. With photographic evidence of that last part
Nervous patients breathe a sigh of relief as unfortunately-named Doctor Coffin finally hangs up his stethoscope
Woman calls your Thai restaurant & says she's an LAPD Detective from Edison who will shut your power in 20 minutes unless you obtain $1,400 in prepaid debit cards & give her the numbers? Sounds legit
Traditional starting pistol banned in UK races because sound might scare children. British citizens nod in agreement and go back to cutting their steaks with a spoon
It's take your dog to work day. Your dog wants a corner office and a sexy biatch for a secretary
Man drowns in Canobie Lake. The Force was not strong with this one
Pro tip: If you're going to rob a betting shop, try to pick one where the staff don't know you by name
Home for retired racehorses becomes unstable
"Your mom is batshiat crazy and believes your dad abused you because a psychic told her, but I gave her full custody anyways." -- Judge
How did they smooth ice rinks before the Zamboni machine? Here's how they did it in 1917
How Hot Was It? It was so hot, the highways buckled and heaved under the heat. In CANADA
Virally-famous upstate NY school bus monitor feels sorry for the kids who taunted her, and doesn't want them punished. Kids figure that is totally farking sweet and they will be back to pick on her some more in the fall
Bear stops by takes a dip in homeowner's pool, twink prefers the hot tub
BMW tops Jaguar and Mercedes. Just, not in a good way
When you and your buddy decide to grope that cute jogger, try to make sure her family doesn't own a martial arts school. Bonus: "Go ahead and try it" picture
Buick would like all you young Gen-Y millenial whippersnappers to know that Buicks are for more than old, boring people like Gen X-ers and their parents. They're for young, boring people who want to look like Gen-Xers and their parents, too
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this transit in a box
Seattle FARK Party - Friday, June 22nd, 7pm. Deluxe Bar and Grill on Capitol Hill. DIT
Sweden's strawberry scandal. Sweet. Delicious. And, efficient
Prison guards to inmates: "Get past these new locks on your cells and you win free food"
The City of Columbus, OH thanks property owners who mow and maintain the reservoirs next to their properties. Just kidding, the city is suing them
If a woman wants to sit on a bus bench naked, the cops shouldn't ruin it by arresting her. Oh, wait, she's 400lbs, nevermind, good work officers
Thief just walks in and snatches $150,000 Salvador Dali painting right off the wall. The whole thing was so surreal
Woman finds $6500 diamond ring in pants bought at Goodwill. Advises Goodwill & works with them to find the owner. Seven people promptly email claiming to have lost it. That means there are 6 MORE rings out there
Air conditioning is what made this nation great
You have a one in five chance of achieving your childhood dream. Feeling lucky?
McDonalds reveals how they make photos of their burgers look absolutely nothing like anything you'd ever find in their restaurants
Thu June 21, 2012
Twenty-two-year-old cheerleading coach accused of having sex with 17-year-old basketball player. With "Yea, you would" pic
$143 to install a pencil sharpener, $3000 for a power outlet, $250,000 kitchen. These overcharges are for: a) Goldman Sachs headquarters, b) Halliburton's newest executive suite, c) School board facing $109m in cuts
If you have your middle school students write mock 'suicide notes' as a creative writing exercise, make sure you tell the students to inform their parents it isn't real. Some parents may react badly otherwise
Breasts removed after a battle with cancer? Then you can swim topless in Seattle
Obama's Homeland Security calls upon the internet community to help identify a teenage boy in danger. Republican or Democrat, Libertarian or Communist, why don't we put these labels aside and help them?
Jerry Sandusky's adopted son Matt says he was sexually abused and was prepared to testify for the prosecution
Bad: You get jumped by a guy who steals your money and cell phone. Worse: Your girlfriend was texting the guy thinking he was you. Fark: Your girlfriend is still texting the guy two days later
Photoshop this prodigious pothole
"...the Flood River in Floodwood was over its banks and past flood stage and was starting to flood some homes..." If only someone could have foreseen this
Catholic bishops complain, "Why is everybody always picking on me?"
Der boom-boom founden in der Svedish nukey-planter. Everbody bork-bork
The son of the judge in the Trayvon Martin shooting trial went to middle school with George Zimmerman's wife. He also dresses as the Hulk and poses with hot babes, so this story has a little something for everyone
Sondance the Clown busted for massive child pornography stash. Shakes the Clown is currently in rehab and unavailable for comment
San Francisco tourists to be treated to a view of Twin Peaks
(Wear it for life)
How to get a decent tattoo. Which is really important when you get your tribal armband with badass-looking Japanese kanji that actually reads "ferret anus"
Photoshop this sack of flower
Fail: Newlyweds from West Virginia go to Sonic drive-in for their honeymoon. Ultrafail: Husband gets arrested for fighting with his new wife while on their honeymoon at Sonic
Supreme court unanimously approves wardrobe malfunctions
Cabbie, just keep the meter running - I'll be right back, as soon as I rob this convenience store
From the "You know, that just might work" files: Obese man whose sons are being put up for adoption plans hunger strike
Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs: "Okay, only you 15 guys get to impregnate all the women here." Congregation: "Ohh HELL noes"
(IFC)
Guinea pigs, subway passes and the rest of a mustache: things you would buy a dictator (sponsored link)
Go be skinny somewhere else
Remember the Utah officer that was fired for wearing a Speedo? He was reinstated by his police department
School's new filing system does not go over well with parents
50 million workers victimized by a workplace bully... you gotta admire his tenacity
Sanford police chief retires for the greater good. The greater good
News: Woman attacks husband after finding pornography in his car. Fark: It was copies of The Onion
Hiker's photo confirms rare wolverine sighting in California. Still no sightings of Storm, Colossus, or Rogue
The Third Eye: mystical and esoteric concept referring in part to the ajna chakra in certain dharmic spiritual traditions, in particular Hinduism? Or really, REALLY bad tattoo?
"The principal dressed as Lady Gaga and milked a cow". Wait, what?
Octomom is the spokesperson for high-interest cash loans called "Octoloans" by a company that has reached new lows
Worried you might be turning into a German? Top ten signs to check for
What rhymes with Glock that you should never fire a .40 caliber bullet into?
Unemployed veteran put his medals on eBay so he can get together enough money to start up a lawn-mowing business. FARK: And then this happens
This way to the transvestite barbecue
Guy robs a bank and eludes police while wearing clothing specifically designed to attract attention
Guy loses 100 lbs to join the Air Force, could have joined the Navy as is
Katy Perry plans to start her own record label, but hasn't yet decided on a name. Let's help her out
After news team bungle, Chinese street vendors now trying to sell sex toys as "longevity mushrooms"
Woman gives birth to 6.4 lb baby, 7.5 lb tumor
How does Walmart offer such good discounts? It secretly profits from your death
If you whip out a knife on the beach in San Diego after a guy blindsides you in the head with a skateboard, expect to be tazed and jailed. Next time use the trident
Man strips down to his socks to take cooling swim in downtown fountain at 2 AM. Why yes, cocaine was involved
"Excuse me, Miss? Could you give me directions t- GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO BE MY WIFE. STOP STRUGGLING"
"Congratulations, you've just won a new car. What are you going to do with it?" "Well, I guess it would make a great meth lab"
Woman on board a plane to Phoenix decides in mid-flight she'd rather have a weekend at Bernie's instead
Giant wombat mass grave discovered. Giant kangaroos deny all knowledge of it
Starbucks will open an overpriced tea-only shop for people who think they're too good for overpriced coffee
"When asked why he had been naked, (the suspect) told police he sunbathes that way while holding the sex toy." Yup, Florida
Uruguay to sell pot to its citizens, expect massive immigration of slackers
Man stores classic car in mother's garage. Mother's mortgage lender is BoA. You can see where this is going
Water company: Your bill for last month comes to $9,000. Homeowner: I live alone and don't even shower daily. If I was using that much water, I'd be in a sinkhole. Water company: Uh.. we'll check back with you next month
Favorite American foods the rest of the world doesn't get. Yet
Zimmerman's defense team releases audio, video from police interviews from the day after the shooting of Trayvon Martin. In related news, Trayvon Martin still dead
Introducing the new body part jewelry collection (and no, it's not inspired by Dexter)
"While the new law prohibits sex with animals, it doesn't necessarily outlaw bestial oral sex." Really, no other state is even close
Al-Qaeda kills Yemeni southern commander, exchange rate now set at 1 commander for every 1000 number 2s
New Jersey DOT shuts down 3/4 of state's red light cameras because cities made lights turn red too qu
Chrysler: Our Jeeps are safe, besides those 48 people who died fiery deaths, they're totally safe
How do you become a chicken wing eating champ and get to be called 'El Wingador'? I'm not saying it's cocaine
Today's zombie attack comes to you from Palmetto, Florida. Main course: biceps
Criminal Logic: Is it really wrong to steal a TV if it has already been stolen by the current owner? Don't the thefts sort of, you know, cancel one another out?
There are safe and legal ways to transport your children around the city, or you could drag them behind a motorcycle in a box
U.S. Navy begins the ocean recovery of 19,000 pounds marijuana in Operation Sea Weed
(Some Guy)
Starting tomorrow, you can pick up some gently used properties in and around Detroit, just like this one, for around about $500
Firefighting aircraft battling out of control blazes in Colorado grounded because of ... a meteor?
Photoshop these paddling persons
"Bachelor number three... If I was a cherry popsicle on a hot summer's day, would you abduct me, strangle me with panty hose, then dump me in the woods on an upstate estate?"
New Louisiana law states that sex offenders must post their status on Facebook. Subby assumes most would list it as "Its Complicated"
School district doesn't allow kids to carry sunscreen without Doctor's note. Mom doesn't put sunscreen on kids before they go on field trip. Kids get sunburned. Cue parent outrage and lawyers. Tag is for everyone involved
First they came for the teachers, but I wasn't a teacher. Then they came for the lunchladies, but I wasn't a lunchlady. Then they came for the bus monitors. Children of the corn
Study: Kids of lesbian moms "doing very well" (w/cute lesbian mom pic)
Truck stop agrees to clean up all the urine-filled bottles its customers toss in the mobile home canal next door
Rich people have to save money for nice things too
Elderly woman hires crew to survey her property for sinkholes. Good news, they found one (w/ pics)
Out of all of the tick borne diseases, this one IS FARKING TERRIFYING
Psychic tells women to send him naked pictures of themselves to boost their psychic powers. I guess they didn't see him coming
(Some Joelogon)
The documentary about my dad, an RAF mechanic & Japanese POW during WWII, US Army Korean War vet and, finally US citizen and doctor, is online, free. Watch "Every Day Is a Holiday"
Alaska man climbs tree for exercise but gets stuck upside down, leading rescuers to ask, "Why didn't he just use a StairMaster?"
After he asks his neighbor for a cigarette and gets turned down, man does the logical thing and flashes her
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 372: "Parks". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed June 20, 2012
Drunk woman blames her GPS after getting car stuck in golf course sand trap. To be fair her destination was the 19th hole
Yo, dawg, we heard you like cranes
Drinking from the garden hose WILL KILL YOU says scientists that weren't alive when the hose was the only way to get water
Bad: being arrested and beaten by Chinese authorities for trespassing. Worse: at 25,000 feet up on Mount Everest
(Some Guy)
Challenge: Take two animals and combine them to create a third. LGT inspiration
Pictures that will restore your faith in humanity. You're welcome
Warning: Do not attempt to visit Fark.com while operating heavy machinery
Oldest galaxy found off the belt of Onion, Arquette no longer giving Courteney Cox, and Greece surprisingly unable to bounce a Czech: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 6/10 - 6/16
Tennessee Aquarium dealing with pair of ugly-ass macaroni penguin chicks
Severe thunderstorms and showers have flooded the towns of Northern MinnesOMG THE ZOO'S POLAR BEAR ESCAPED
Headline:"Smoke alarms could be disaster warning system." Um, isn't that their actual purpose already?
It's official, moms-to-be: moderate weekly drinking and even a couple of benders here and there aren't actually that bad for you while you're carrying your child. BOTTOMS UP, PREGNANT LADIES
Photoshop this large letter
Teens and deputy hurt in crash of drunk driving simulator. Mission accomplished
You're parents and you're unsatisfied with the job a teacher volunteer is doing. Do you: C) plant marijuana & painkillers in said volunteer's unlocked car?
New beer designed for dogs has meat broth, malt barley and contains no alcohol. Or, as beer drinkers call it, "New Coors Light"
It's not news, it's Fork.com
This is the worst vacation ever
FBI returning stolen art to Polish museum, which saw a decrease in patronage after works like Submarine with Screen Door, Hold Me While I Turn This Bulb, and Jackalope in Repose went missing
Spoooooooooooooooooooooooooon
Hydraulic system failure on JetBlue flight leaves passengers in four hours of shaky hell. Flight attendants tried to serve food, but people were already nauseous and throwing up without the fish even being served
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - unless it's a stolen LAPD vehicle
Andrea Mitchell: The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with edited Romney tape - we did. But we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth MSNBC or the United States of America
Not everyone at NPR is amused after one of their interns on All Songs Considered brags about her giant collection of pirated music
Man uses his cell phone camera to record another man who is spraypainting over a Picasso in a museum. Alert security guard springs into action, stops man from recording with his phone
On a Tuesday morning in New York City, a Bishop (who is clearly not insane) performed "The Blessing of the Bees". Buzz buzz, my Lord
Stupidity races up East Coast as Cambridge, Mass tries to copy NY in banning large sodas. Apparently the mayor is unfamiliar with the concept of refills
Sydney brothel gets go-ahead from town planning council for multi-million dollar expansion into a "mega-brothel", upsetting local residents and activists who didn't want another Big-Box Store in their neighborhood
What your dog says about your sex life. "You really should find a human partner" strangely absent
As a defendant in a trial, if you're asked by a reporter if you did it, the answer shouldn't be "Did I do it? Yes." Then again, you've already confessed on a talk show, which is why you're here in the first place
Scientists discover way to block pathological rage. Still no cure for clouds, kids walking on lawn
The Five Best Places to Retire. "Alternate universe in which you pulled all your money out of the market in 2008" strangely absent
We'll see your $450 pizza, and raise you with a $1,000 pizza
If politics in Game of Thrones featured attack ads
Hosni Mubarak is neither dead nor alive until we open the box
Greek parties agree to form a government. Fellas, look, I have to admit you throw a pretty good kegger, but don't you think this is a little ambitious?
"My client's possession of child pornography is just sexual roleplay, nothing criminal," claims defense attorney
Almost too strange even for FARK headline: Zombie bride marries diaper-clad beau
John Edward's mistress appears on beach to the delight of absolutely no one. (with 'maybe after 9 shots of tequila' pics)
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this humongous horseman
Alabama high school repeals ban of male earrings. Administrators to work next on requirement of shoes
Dame with real moxie hit right in the kisser by a flivver while giving her brother the bums rush away from souped-up jalopies on the motorway. Crackerjack sawbones have her on the mend, and she should be doing the Charleston soon, and how
Roulette wheel at the Rio lands on 19. SEVEN times in a row. What are the odds?
Summer corn is better than sex, says virginal food critic
As it turns out, there is no such thing as free beer on an airplane
There are some guys who are dedicated to their job for their paycheck, and then there's this guy who hasn't missed a day of work in 50 years
Caption Alec Baldwin's encounter with a photographer
Bad: hiker breaks foot on remote Norwegian island. Good: manages to build signal fire that leads rescuers to him. Bad again: fire engulfs entire island in the process
Cats and birds living together: Sign of impending apocalypse, or cutest thing ever?
"Police were unable to find the leprechauns or anyone else involved"
There's being a career student...and then there's this
You know that car gramps left sitting in the garage for 60 years? Yeah about that
Tue June 19, 2012
When transporting a revolutionary new trachea built up from stem cells for a time-critical transplant, spend a couple of extra bucks so you don't have to rely on ultra-budget airline easyJet
When the TSA pats you down, they're saving America. When you pat down the TSA, it's "violence"
Doctors at UNC Chapel Hill noting a sharp increase in newborns testing positive for marijuana due to baby soap. In other news, drug abuse is apparently so bad in NC that they have to drug test newborns. That sounds about right
Why you don't steal from a calf roper: "The victim spotted the suspect stealing his car, followed him, yanked him out of the car, hog-tied him and suspended him on a nearby fence until police arrived"
Hosni Mubarak reportedly dead, then not dead, then "clinically dead", then "not quite on the cart yet and considering going for a walk"
If you picked "prescription painkillers" as the leading cause of accidental deaths in the U.S. step forward and collect your price
When reporting on a forest fire, DO NOT wear protective gear, helmet, or goggles. That's "impersonating a firefighter" and you will be dealt with in a police-like manner
What do you do when the Tea Party tries to block a .7% tax increase so your library can stay open? You start a "Close the library - Join the Book Burning Party" campaign to disgust voters into voting to keep the library open, of course
Photoshop this pre-testifying CEO
"Actually, I'm getting out of prison today." "You're in the wrong line, dumbass." "Yeah, I'm a big dumbass. Sorry"
Ann Taylor refuses to let a blind woman bring her guide dog into the store. The company doesn't see anything wrong with that decision
Photoshop this Presidential party
11 Things You Didn't Know About Garfield for Garfield's Anniversary. No 12: Some people still find Garfield funny and read newspapers
Clearly, it's an election year because bullets are being sold in record numbers
Tiny Darth Vader leaves hospital. You don't know the power of the doctors' side
You would think that a three-foot fishing spear through your head would pretty much be the end of you, not for this teenager
Mugger dropped the ball and conveniently left his mug at crime scene when he dropped his cellphone
Rainbow swirls and cockeyed girls. It's this week's Mugshot Roundup
Actual headline: Phone tracking device helps solve chicken wing robbery
'Vaginas Take Back the Capitol' in Michigan
NSA: We can't reveal if we spied on you because that would violate your privacy
Strip club worker says fatal crash was caused by teenage passenger's sexual advances, not the beer and vodka she had earlier
Cool: Bank error lets man withdraw almost $1.5 million from his bank account which had a $300 balance. Dumbass: he promptly gambled it all away at local casinos
Now about those evil business owners that are sitting on their money and refusing to hire. 23% have gone a year without pay
Hello 911, I'm President Obama. May I speak with Tim Tebow?
For the first time ever, the following words were uttered: "Thank you Mark Zuckerberg"
Finally, an answer to the biggest question facing us today: Why are Poland Springs water bottles so flimsy and crinkly when they used to be so sturdy?
Hide the beer: Southern Baptists elect black Luter from New Orleans
If you're in the business of making children strollers, you never want to see your product mentioned in a headline along with the words 'finger amputations'
Bad: Falling asleep in your car. Worse: being awakened by police. Fark: with the gas pump still in your car overflowing from the tank
Apple store refuses to sell an iPad to a woman because she's Iranian. Well surely this was just one misguided employ- oh, it's Apple's official policy to refuse to do business with anyone from Iran
Latest parent hoping for his 15 minutes of fame makes son carry 'Homeless, Won't Listen to Parents' sign as punishment
Walmart clerk's register comes up $841 short after female customer "mentioned something about the bills being very pretty and she wanted to look at them because money was boring looking where she came from"
Cincinnati police become the PC police & charge man for saying "crippled". That's completely retarded
100 years ago today, the eight-hour workday became law
(Some Deepak)
It's official. Deepak Chopra is indistinguishable from a random quote generator. Deepak Deepity generator to the left. Your best Deepities to the right
Marc Cuban dumps his Facebook stock which gave him a negative return close to that of Vince Carter
Photoshop this umbrella-wielding woman
Chinese news team investigates mysterious "mushroom" discovered by rural villagers. *facepalm* That's no shroom (possibly Not safe for work)
Taco Bell introducing 2 new Doritos Locos tacos, Cool Ranch and "Flamas"
Photographs of a dolphin jumping out of the ocean with an octopus attached to its stomach. Suck it, remoras
Good Samaritan pays for the two towing bills levied against the woman whose ex-boyfriend set her on fire. The Florida tag gets trumped for once
News: third-grader strip-searched by principal after being accused of stealing, Creepy news: principal hugs the student after proven wrong
Woman shoots well past the dumbass tag and ends up a sweaty, naked, ice cream covered, cop fighting, kid abandoning, car wrecker. Taa daa
Mon June 18, 2012
There's a great way to replace the lost calories after gastric bypass surgery
Bad: You get locked inside your restaurant's cooler. Good: You find a way to trip the burglar alarm to summon police. Fail: Cops find the restaurant dark and the doors locked, so they ignore it
The Downward Spiral: Is Dad the New Mom? The rise of stay-at-home fathers
Old and busted: Fight Club. New hotness: Fight Church
It takes a lot of balls to reject a free $1 million corrective surgery. 100 lbs of balls to be exact
Man charged with taking secret videos of Hooter's bikini pageant contestants while they were changing into their swimsuits. Actual quote: "Man to man, I did it because I've never had a girlfriend"
Turns out much of the Costas interview with Tickle Monster didn't air. There can't be any real damning statements though, right?
Wanna sleep outside in NYC? That'll be $1,999
Photoshop this roadside rubber raft
Emotional well-being also rises with income, but there is no further progress beyond an annual income of $75,000
Bad: Cutting off your daughter's allowance because of her behavior. Worse: Cutting off your daughter's head because of her behavior
Roger Clemens is guilty of being a pompous douchebag, but that's it
I know we all want to know about what sandwich Romney orders at WaWa, or how often Obama golfs, but Israel and Egypt are prepping for war. Not that it matters next to meatball sandwiches
Somehow this woman is 23
Woman spreads carpet tacks on bike trail because the bike riders were talking about wildlife on a regular basis. Which makes perfect sense once you don your Florida Logic ear phones
Photoshop this postmaster's pad
Possible Japanese fishing boat washes ashore in Washington State. No sightings of mushroom people......yet
Gypsies: Hey, can you remove this barrier so we can turn our trailers around? Police: Sure, no problem. Gypsies: SUCKAAS
Fark-ready headline: "Drunk man couldn't take kitten into strip club, repeatedly called 911"
Déjeuner sur l'herbe, sans tête
"The victim told police he was riding his bike about 8 a.m. Sunday when (the suspect), whom he does not know, came up to him 'and started swinging sausage links at him'"
Survey finds death is the greatest fear of only 7% of seniors; living in pain and dependence is #1 for 64%
The Guardian wants the internet to help it name ten new species. Any suggestions?
Gator, gator, gator, out from swamps they stray / Gator, gator gator, with your cars they'll play
Companies now using "Active Defense" and "Strike Back" technology to hack the hackers: Begun, the Trojan War has
