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Sun May 06, 2012
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(Denver Post) Hero Lawyer spends 11 years proving inmate's innocence. He offers to pay for her gender-reassignment surgery. "It was a very sweet gesture on his part," she said. "But he really needs to focus on taking care of himself first"  (denverpost.com) (322)
(Some 40's guy) Photoshop Photoshop 1940's New York  (img440.imageshack.us) (67)
(The Smoking Gun) Silly A sliver of Beavis and Butthead, a few DUIs, some crazy eyes, and a couple of folks who know how to take a beating. It's this week's Mugshot Roundup  (thesmokinggun.com) (111)
(Some Ten Bears) Interesting Americans living "off the grid" look surprisingly healthy, don't fish poorly (lots of pics)  (ericvalli.com) (310)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Pregnant woman gets called a 'selfish cow' because she was: A) smoking, B) drinking, or C) exercising  (dailymail.co.uk) (148)
(Boing Boing) Strange Japanese "Lolita fashion" anime subculture in Mexico. Or: Mustaches and Sharpies for swarthy chicks  (boingboing.net) (190)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Scientists say dinosaurs may have been to blame for climate change. Fark: because they produced so much flatulence  (dailymail.co.uk) (111)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this toilet tosser  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (21)
(The New York Times) Dumbass AT&T CEO to its customers: Stop using data, you are costing me money  (bits.blogs.nytimes.com) (294)
(Some Guy) Strange When you drink, you pass out on the sofa. When you pass out on the sofa, the toddler is left alone in the backyard. When the toddler is alone in the backyard, the dog rips his clothes off. Don't let the dog rip the toddler's clothes off  (fox8.com) (48)
(Yahoo) Sad Al-Qaeda extremists destroy the grave of a Muslim saint in Timbuktu. In other news, Timbuktu is an actual place, Muslims apparently have saints, and Al-Qaeda really sucks at the whole "winning hearts and minds" thing  (news.yahoo.com) (100)
(Arizona Star) Dumbass Tucson news station brags about their new Skynet surveillance system going online; anticipate it will become self-aware on August 29th, find Sarah Connor shortly thereafter  (azstarnet.com) (49)
(France 24) News Socialist François Hollande elected French president with 51.9% of the vote. Commence with the surrender jokes  (france24.com) (559)
(Daily Express) Interesting Not news: Heart surgeons discover new information on the structure of the mitral valve. News: After reading an essay written by Leonardo da Vinci 500 years ago  (express.co.uk) (22)
(Fark) Survey Is it important for the long term success of a couple to have shared hatreds?  (fark.com) (228)
(Some Guy) Interesting Seventy-five years ago, one of the Internet's greatest memes was born. Oh the huge manatee  (mycentraljersey.com) (64)
(Chicago Tribune) Asinine French billionaire who's married to Salma Hayek is hammered at second day of trial in which Linda Evangelista is seeking child support for the kid he fathered with her. Can we just take this ungrateful bastard out and shoot him?  (chicagotribune.com) (148)
(CNN) Hero "Bahhh, I ain't buyin' your Face-Place flimflammery. In MY day, we kept in touch by shoutin' real loud. 'HOW'S LIFE, CHARLIE?' 'SUCKS, WARREN.' And we all went deaf and mute at 15 and we LIKED it"  (money.cnn.com) (57)
(Some Guy) Stupid MSNBC tech writer: Navy, y u no flying carrier?  (futureoftech.msnbc.msn.com) (182)
(The New York Times) Stupid After successfully throttling a cow, the states are now complaining that it's stopped giving milk  (nytimes.com) (88)
(Some Guy) Asinine Shoppers are being paid more than $100 million a year in personal injury lawsuits after they slipped on grapes at the grocery store. Still cheaper than covering the world in bubble wrap  (couriermail.com.au) (78)
(Oregon Live) Strange You're a federal fugitive wanted by the U.S. Marshals. Do you: A) Flee to Mexico? B) Flee to Canada? C) Pose as a disc jockey named 'RoboCraig' at a bar and grill in Oregon?  (oregonlive.com) (28)
(MSNBC) Asinine This may come as a complete shock, but there are allegations that the runners of the prosperity Bible loving Trinity Broadcasting Network may be a bunch of scam artists  (msnbc.msn.com) (168)
(Some Guy) Scary Trying to acquire drugs legally can get you arrested too  (dfw.cbslocal.com) (156)
(AZCentral) Fail Low-alcohol wines are the next big thing. Coming up next: No-contact sex  (azcentral.com) (71)
(NYPost) Amusing You know what they say about a scorned straphanger? Well this one won't get off the crazy bus  (nypost.com) (28)
(MSN) Photoshop Photshop this prim and proper painter  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (20)
(Chicago Tribune) Cool If the awesome pizza and superior hot dogs didn't convince you to come check out Chicago, perhaps this will  (chicagotribune.com) (160)
(Some Guy) Spiffy "John Doe #29's counsel represents that his client is an octogenarian with neither the wherewithal nor the interest in using BitTorrent to download Gang Bang Virgins"  (dailytech.com) (56)
(Some Guy) Obvious Porn is so easy to find on the internet these days, the leaders of tomorrow will be known as Generation XXX  (couriermail.com.au) (116)
(The Atlantic Wire) Interesting That's racist, baby  (theatlanticwire.com) (96)
(Newser) Unlikely Look into my eyes...now look away while I walk out the door with all your cash  (newser.com) (19)
(Some Spary) Dumbass Apparently, it needs to be said. Do Not bring your weed to class. Especially if your class is with the state police training academy  (wcax.com) (41)
(Daily Mail) Asinine UN says the US must give back Mount Rushmore to the Indians as it is illegally occupied land that was stolen from the natives, as opposed the land where their HQ is  (dailymail.co.uk) (290)
(Newser) Interesting Senate moves to OK booze-by-mail 103 years later  (newser.com) (58)
(Mirror.co.uk) Interesting The coolest images mixing photography and pencil drawings you will see all day  (mirror.co.uk) (34)

Sat May 05, 2012
(Daily Mail) Cool A fascinating look at Kowloon Walled City, a Mad-Max style city in Hong Kong made up of interconnected buildings  (dailymail.co.uk) (134)
(LA Times) Dumbass In other news, the guy that makes up the bandit names has the weekend off  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (59)
(Mirror.co.uk) Stupid Nanny state tells active five-year-old that she at risk of developing heart disease, cancer and diabetes because she is up to one stone heavier than she should be. With pictures of so-called fatty  (mirror.co.uk) (88)
(Connecticut Post) Ironic "Often, a patient will say to the chaplain, 'No thanks, I am an atheist,' and yet when given the opportunity, will be happy to talk for some time"  (ctpost.com) (293)
(Some Girl) Amusing An open letter from a Gen-Xer. "There is no shame in standing naked in your kitchen dipping french bread into mug full of olive oil"  (mcsweeneys.net) (170)
(MSNBC) Photoshop Thanks to a Taiwanese airline, you can now fly high with Hello Kitty. Photoshop the next industry to be conquered by the Hello Kitty juggernaut  (photoblog.msnbc.msn.com) (33)
(UPI) Interesting Man astounded to find live turtle his son carved his initials into 47 years ago -- but c'mon, just how far do you expect a turtle to travel in that length of time?  (upi.com) (79)
(SanDiegoUnionTribune) Asinine Belvedere's label has a wintery scene. Grey Goose's label has birds in flight. Southeast Red's label has a map of San Diego's gang neighborhoods  (utsandiego.com) (47)
(Some Guy) Scary Someone might want to tell this woman she's going crazy  (thesuntimes.com) (141)
(The Atlantic Wire) Fail Iran's semi-official Mehrs news agency ends up using a photoshopped image for Iran's missile system. Fark: They used *that* image. Yes, that one  (theatlanticwire.com) (76)
(KTLA) Unlikely California professor claims Cinco de Mayo is as American as the Fourth of July  (ktla.com) (129)
(Buffalo News) Hero Hit and run suspect who killed a 14 year old on a bicycle found "because a witness tracked him down to the driveway of his family's home, put him into his own car and made him return to the scene of the crash"  (buffalonews.com) (142)
(Some Nervous Guy) Obvious Here is a prime example of how NOT to act if you don't want the police to find the brick of cocaine hidden in your Xbox 360  (kfoxtv.com) (55)
(Iowa City Press-Citizen) Silly So now we're having protests about "size discrimination," or "sizeism," as it's being called by one of 30 people who are protesting about it  (press-citizen.com) (173)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this pair of peepers  (spiegel.de) (23)
(NPR) Amusing Why don't men wear hats anymore? Presidential socialism (with painstakingly to scale illustrations to prove the point)  (npr.org) (175)
(wmur) Sappy Think your flowers will make this Mother's Day special? This man raised the bar so high we may never use the term "momma's boy" again  (wmur.com) (42)
(ABC) Cool Put on your Sunday's finest and mix up your mint juleps, it's the 138th annual running of the Kentucky Derby, Live coverage begins at 4 PM on NBC  (abcnews.go.com) (138)
(Houston Chronicle) Interesting Phil Collins (yeah, that one) is one of the world's foremost experts on The Alamo, still hopes to find its basement someday  (chron.com) (57)
(Daily Star) Amusing Today's Fark-ready headline: Delighted housewife knits spacesuit for rubber chicken  (dailystar.co.uk) (16)
(Some Guy) Sick Five dogs poisoned by antifreeze-coated fish tossed into their backyard. Fark: For the second time. Super sad: Two of them need $10,000 of dialysis to keep them alive and the owner can't afford it  (wtkr.com) (324)
(Hartford Courant) Cool We can buy beer on Sundays, and now can get a prescription for marijuana in Connecticut. FINALLY there's reasons to stay in the Nutmeg state  (courantblogs.com) (40)
(Daily Star) Amusing Wealthy homeowners who thought Johnny Depp was moving in next door wake up to a very nasty surprise (with bonus pic of unappealing new neighbors)  (dailystar.co.uk) (128)
(Some Guy) Fail The British Asparagus Festival has been cancelled due to lack of asparagus   (britishasparagusfestival.org) (38)
(Some Guy) Interesting Change: Americans renounced their citizenship in record numbers in 2011  (rt.com) (160)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Cool Long known for the drinking, Cino de Mayo is also about the food  (suntimes.com) (69)
(CTV) Sappy San Francisco fishermen free 40-ton grey whale entangled in large fishing line. Afterwards, rescuers said "the whale circled the boat, surfaced and took off...It was like it was saying 'thank you'"  (ctv.ca) (32)
(Denver Channel) Obvious Subby is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that 1 In 4 users lie on Facebook  (thedenverchannel.com) (54)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man who stole Navy SEAL's bio and pulled it off well enough to fool CNN reporters outed as just an empty bucket  (wtkr.com) (102)
(Deseret News) Sick A 13 year old girl couldn't figure out how to take nude pictures of herself to send to her 30 year old "boyfriend". So the mom of the year steps in and helps her technologically dysfunctional child out with the photo shoot  (deseretnews.com) (170)
(El Paso Times) Spiffy Couple vows to visit all 735 Whataburger restaurants in the country or die of clogged arteries trying  (elpasotimes.com) (125)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Most awesome response ever after a cop asks for a man's ID just because he was walking through a neighborhood known as a high-crime area: "(Expletive) you, that's for you to figure out"  (nwfdailynews.com) (323)
(Slate) Cool Inside the dark, dangerous, challenging world of the collegiate Quiz Bowl championships  (slate.com) (45)
(azfamily.com) Silly Statue of an obese nude woman that sits across the street from a church is vandalized with paint a few days after somebody covered it up with a burlap apron a few days after all the private parts were covered in dollar bills  (azfamily.com) (76)
(Forbes) Spiffy Today we observe one of the most sacred days on the high holy nerd calendar: Free Comic Book Day  (forbes.com) (84)
(Mirror.co.uk) Misc It's take your parrot to work day. (This has nothing to do with John Cleese)  (mirror.co.uk) (30)
(Some Ghoul) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: Trick this out  (6-ft-under.com) (23)
(Some Head) Strange You can now insure your marijuana crop against theft, fire, and even DEA raids. Next up? USDA price supports, "pay not to plant" programs, and annoying lizard commercials  (katu.com) (17)
(Some Guy) Interesting Reasons to be Amish: No asthma and no allergies. Reasons not to be Amish: Electricity and alcohol  (yourhealth.com.sg) (79)
(abc15.com) Caturday Pima was born in a dumpster, and is now a pampered house cat. But she obviously has not forgotten her roots as she reaches out (literally) to make friends with a wild bobcat. A sweet video just in time for Caturday  (abc15.com) (515)
(Stuff.co.nz) Strange Sorry I haven't paid my bills in six years but I'm trying to sell my $3.2m Aston Martin, which got stolen by a Yakuza boss who had me beaten up by martial arts experts when I tried to repossess it  (stuff.co.nz) (17)
(Newser) Stupid First grader suspended for singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It." LMFAO  (newser.com) (88)
(Spiegel) Interesting Photographer toured East Germany just after the fall of the Berlin Wall taking photos of decayed buildings. Ten years later he took photos again of the same things to show how capitalism revitalized what communism allowed to decay  (spiegel.de) (148)
(Globe and Mail) Followup Memory card recovered from hang-glider pilot's USB port  (theglobeandmail.com) (114)
(CBC) Followup Meanwhile in Canada: "Mathews had previously traced the false calls to a phone registered to "Pierre Poutine," which he determined is likely a fake name"  (cbc.ca) (95)
(The Raw Story) Scary We've secretly replaced the helium in the balloons at this Armenian political rally with hydrogen. Let's see if anyone notices... (pic included)  (rawstory.com) (112)
(WDAY) Dumbass Mock crash at high school becomes real when someone forgot to put the fire truck in park  (wday.com) (30)

Fri May 04, 2012
(STV.tv) Scary Warrant issued after man has part of ear bitten off at bar. Still, that's gotta be better than most Scottish cuisine  (news.stv.tv) (31)
(TBO) Followup Three NBC employees now editing their resumes after editing George Zimmerman's 911 call  (www2.tbo.com) (189)
(Daily Star) Stupid Selfish mother refuses to admit her clinically obese son is fat (with offensive pic of huge child)  (dailystar.co.uk) (182)
(Some Guy) Strange Social etiquette tip: when a man compliments your car, the proper response is NOT to beat him into a coma  (kirotv.com) (224)
(Fark) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Create an ad for other bad investments  (fark.com) (24)
(Some Hot Dog Eater) Asinine "Detectives...became aware she was offering up more than kraut and relish from her hot dog cart"  (newyork.cbslocal.com) (70)
(WXYZ Detroit) Fail "Officials say that messages on social media that led to the cancelation of classes were not threats, but were rather about masturbation"  (wxyz.com) (52)
(News.com.au) Plug Power company fined $180,000 for faulty work on houses where residents suffered electric shocks. There's no place like ohm  (news.com.au) (74)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Scary Man upset to learn that he didn't receive any superpowers after getting bit by rabid bat  (ajc.com) (84)
(Some Guy) Hero Who developed the strategy to get Bin Laden? We now know it was a young CIA agent named Rebecca  (wapo.st) (151)
(Fark) Survey Clear your desks, get out a sharpened pencil, and get off your hot teacher for a moment--it's time for this week's Fark Weird News Quiz  (fark.com) (24)
(Chicago Tribune) PSA Judge rules that the First Amendment does not mean Facebook "likes" are free speech  (chicagotribune.com) (119)
(Some Guy) Scary Yes you would, every one of them, even though the crazy clearly is strong and abundant  (ranker.com) (220)
(ProPublica) Obvious TSA complaint levels are down - because the TSA sits on complaints for four years hoping the complainants will simply go away  (propublica.org) (64)
(Yahoo) Obvious Appeals court won't rescind sentence of FARC rebel, orders her to pay $5 a month  (news.yahoo.com) (11)
(LA Times) Followup Suggested retail price for five days in a DEA cell without water is $20 million. Let the bidding commence  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (167)
(Some TFette) Plug TFette is asking the good people of Fark for a little bit of help, for a good cause  (elkhartcancer.org) (364)
(SeattlePI) Strange Loch Ness Monster ordered to leave Wisconsin river with or without tree-fitty  (seattlepi.com) (30)
(MSN) Amusing Now that's what I call branding  (now.msn.com) (27)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this seal on a scale  (flickr.com) (24)
(AL.com) Dumbass Woman arrested for putting camping fuel in her grandmother's milk. That's Cole, man  (blog.al.com) (26)
(WPTV) Asinine When their co-worker is diagnosed with cancer, a bunch of women band together to raise money for her treatment. Fark: She comes back with a nice boob job and no cancer  (wptv.com) (157)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Man arrested for felony DUI, improper storage of a trunk monkey  (tampabay.com) (39)
(KHOU Houston) Dumbass Woman with oxygen tank smokes one way, then another  (khou.com) (72)
(AZCentral) Amusing In one of the most passive-aggressive displays ever, man paints colorful polka dots all over his home as a protest statement against the city  (azcentral.com) (183)
(Some Guy) Scary Green eggs and Sam  (hamptonroads.com) (27)
(Reuters) Scary Angry rape and tiny cells not enough to deter you from prison? These inmates were forced to sing Usher to use the microwave  (mobile.reuters.com) (41)
(BBC) Silly Woman gives herself a new name....well, actually 161 new names. Still no match for Emperor Spiderman Gandalf Wolverine Skywalker Optimus Prime Goku Sonic Xavier Ryu Cloud Superman Heman Batman Thrash  (bbc.co.uk) (38)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Hey guys check out this 'Chick Cam'. Be careful if you are at work though  (courantblogs.com) (44)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Followup Senator Kirk home from hospital, no time frame on his return to Coruscant to resume his duties  (suntimes.com) (39)
(Talking Points Memo) Followup George Zimmerman's legal team advised him to shut down his donation site... until they realized that they could scam boatloads of money from dumb racists and have put the website back online   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com) (337)
(This Is Plymouth) Sick Bridge engineer is one of the coolest job in the world: Amazing views, fresh air, and only occasional showers of human waste  (thisisplymouth.co.uk) (46)
(MSNBC) Asinine Sorry we fired you for defying military censors and reporting on the surrender of the enemy a day before everyone else....at the end of WWII. You know. 67 years ago. We're cool, right?  (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com) (35)
(My Fox DC) Interesting When I say you won't feel a thing - you won't feel a thing  (myfoxdc.com) (14)
(NPR) Asinine You know how all those top environmental scientists have been warning us that Greenland's glaciers are melting faster than they ever have before and could raise sea levels by six feet? Yeah, about that  (npr.org) (158)
(Google) Unlikely Syria peace plan is on track, says UN spokesunicorn  (google.com) (20)
(AP) Followup Flying bear killed after unsuccessful attempt to taxi across highway prior to takeoff  (hosted.ap.org) (28)
(Kingsport Times News) Dumbass Steps to quit smoking: 1) handcuff yourself tightly, 2) drop pants, 3) lose key, 4) call 911  (timesnews.net) (22)
(Daily Mail) Scary ♫ Soft cheetah, tame cheetah, little puff of fur. Happy tourist, angry cheetah, maul, maul, maul  (dailymail.co.uk) (115)
(STV.tv) Fail UK government political party defeated in election by a man dressed as a penguin  (local.stv.tv) (46)
(SacBee) Hero Not news: girl saves friend using Heimlich Maneuver. Fark: she learned it on TV. Ultra Fark: she's six years old  (sacbee.com) (41)
(Some Guy) Interesting Italians are working on anesthesia-free brain surgery or "divorce" as we call it here in the States  (worldcrunch.com) (22)
(TC Palm) Florida When committing a felony burglary, you might as well blow it out and steal only the most expensive stuff. A couple of rolls of toilet paper, for instance  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (19)
(CNN) Obvious There's a 1 in 3 chance that your spouse is lying to you about money. This is in addition to the 2 in 3 chance that he's lying about being attracted to another woman and the 3 in 3 chance that he thinks your ass looks huge in that dress  (money.cnn.com) (104)
(www.gapyear.com) Spiffy A woman who is facing the prospect of losing her sight has drawn up a plan to visit the world's most beautiful destinations so she can store them in her memory forever  (gapyear.com) (38)
(Daily Mail) Silly Legion of Doom has moved their modernized Hall of Doom to Dubai. Suck it Super Friends  (dailymail.co.uk) (61)
(The Local (Sweden)) Strange You drink, she straightens her hair, you drink, she straightens your penis, you drink and get argumentative, she slaps you, you head-butt her, it's the Swedish way  (thelocal.se) (34)
(News.com.au) Unlikely South African cat survives two hour washing machine cycle, becomes Johannesburg's cleanest pussy  (news.com.au) (43)
(Toronto Sun) Stupid "If an act is designed to arouse or the result is arousal, than it's adult entertainment." There go my plans to open a Rule 34 club in Barrie  (torontosun.com) (53)
(Gizmodo) Ironic McAfee antivirus founder forgot to renew his firewall protection  (gizmodo.com) (63)
(Yahoo) Followup What "saving face" may look like. China to dissident: we've decided to allow you to continue your studies abroad and are granting you a student visa. Dissident: I have studies to continue? China: You do now  (news.yahoo.com) (37)
(Some Valedictorian) Florida Hot teacher took 16-year-old boy's virginity in classroom closet, refused to give him extra credit in her class  (dumbassdaily.com) (181)
(thelocal.no) Followup Jesus lives  (thelocal.no) (25)
(The Local (Germany)) Spiffy Man keeps interest from €200 million bank error  (thelocal.de) (59)
(New York Daily News) Fail New report shows that Hitler even gassed his own people  (nydailynews.com) (77)
(Fox News) Obvious Neil Armstrong's Corvette is on eBay. Yeah, even a Corvette gets boring once you've walked on the Farkin' Moon  (foxnews.com) (66)
(Some WV Guy) Dumbass If you're going to steal copper wire, make sure it's not connected to the police department  (wvgazette.com) (29)
(My Fox DC) Interesting After a couple hits off the bong at the hash bar, she sat down to a medicated bowl of beef and broccoli, pronouncing it delicious  (myfoxdc.com) (72)
(Some Gals) Photoshop Photoshop these dingy dancers  (fr.on-the-move.org) (27)
(UPI) Fail What's worse than opening a can of beans and finding a grasshopper included? Finding half a grasshopper  (upi.com) (73)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely The alcohol bra, flask sandals, and other devious ways teens sneak alcohol into prom. Not me though. I just snuck it in using my stomach  (dailymail.co.uk) (68)
(Winnipeg Free Press) Ironic Cancer drug causes cancer  (winnipegfreepress.com) (87)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Species of bee that likes to drink human tears recently discovered in and around Politics tab  (dailymail.co.uk) (53)
(Some Guy) Amusing Maine convent is looking for young women who enjoy eating by candlelight, long walks on the water  (onlineathens.com) (43)
(WDAY) Strange Man arrested for mowing his lawn while wearing a loin cloth and swearing  (wday.com) (54)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Good news: U.S. victory over Iran would only take three weeks, so no big deal  (rt.com) (383)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Your chance to become Lord Farkington of Dangly Nads is now here, complete with village and pub, for only a couple of million bucks  (dailymail.co.uk) (48)

Thu May 03, 2012
(WLFI) Sad Not news - Young boy dies. Fark - Was made an honorary Marine. Ultrafark - Marine Honor Guard stands watch outside his hospital room the night he passes  (wlfi.com) (176)
(NJ.com) Stupid If you're waiting for a commuter train and someone asks what's on your mind, don't say, "Just wondering what a grenade attack on Times Square would look like." Just say, "Nothing"  (nj.com) (60)
(Yahoo) Cool Goodwill Industries shows their good will and returns what might be may be 1,000-year-old Native American artifact to the Caddo Indian Nation  (news.yahoo.com) (56)
(BBC) Sad John Edwards staffer testifies his late wife Elizabeth tore off her shirt and bra during an argument. COME AT ME, BRO  (bbc.co.uk) (113)
(SacBee) Cool The going price for rock in the Sierra foothills: $1000/gram. The catch: it has to fall from the sky and contain materials that predate our solar system  (sacbee.com) (27)
(Monterey Herald) Fail When robbing a Chinese restaurant using your finger as a gun, take the cash out of the 50-pound register before running off with it. "He made it maybe a hundred yards"  (montereyherald.com) (19)
(WISHTV) Amusing County Coroner in trouble for cracking open a few cold ones and then showing up at a crime scene  (wishtv.com) (34)
(ABC) Florida Growing Up Nudist: A naked childhood "I never realized that my clothes were so uncomfortable, until I didn't have to wear them anymore." Any number of tags could have covered this story, in the end it was Florida  (abcnews.go.com) (155)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period  (thesmokinggun.com) (39)
(Some Guy) Interesting La Nina? Está muerta  (mega949.com) (33)
(Some Monkeybusiness) Weird Chinese zookeeper licks a constipated monkey's butt for an hour to help him pass a peanut  (arbroath.blogspot.com) (129)
(Miami New Times) Florida Florida mansion where famous porn flick "Deep Throat" was filmed is now for sale; current asking price seems a little hard to swallow, but may eventually go down  (blogs.miaminewtimes.com) (46)
(News.com.au) Fail There are two phrases you don't want to hear at a crematorium: "There's a little bit of a glitch" and "The body was too big, sorry"  (news.com.au) (48)
(Some Guy) Followup Tanning mom lashes out: "You're jealous, fat, and ugly." In related news, tanning mom got a mirror  (big1059.com) (131)
(KWQC) PSA Energy drinks can permanently damage your teeth after only five days  (kwqc.com) (64)
(Press of Atlantic City) Dumbass Churchgoers ask, "Was that Reverend Randy?" Yes. Yes, he was  (pressofatlanticcity.com) (23)
(The Local (Sweden)) Unlikely Man caught smuggling 2,357 litres of beer into Sweden. Tells the court it's just his personal yearly supply. They let him off  (thelocal.se) (53)
(Some 1932 Ford Pickup) Photoshop Photoshop these half-pints having a hootenanny   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (26)
(The Newspaper) Stupid City claims sniper rifles are a traffic safety device. Note to self: don't speed through League City, Texas  (thenewspaper.com) (24)
(NJ.com) Strange Nothing to see here, just a dead retired Teamster with $180,000 in cash in a backpack. Happens all the time  (nj.com) (29)
(Yahoo) Unlikely US teens are having a more difficult time getting laid  (news.yahoo.com) (47)
(Some Guy) Strange Today's Fark-ready headline: "Cat with Doritos bag on head falls from power pole, lands on feet"  (610wiod.com) (23)
(BBC) Interesting British bouncers checking drinkers' Facebook profiles to verify their identities, sluttiness  (bbc.co.uk) (26)
(Houston Chronicle) Sick Imagine being locked inside a house with no food, no running water and in the middle of South Texas. Now imagine that scenario with 100 other people  (chron.com) (65)
(Great Falls Tribune) Cool Montanans are so crazy about fly fishing they'll do whatever it takes to get on the water. Even if that water is the moat surrounding Saddam Hussein's former palace  (greatfallstribune.com) (34)
(9 News) Followup Investigators say that massive egg farm fire was accidental, delicious  (9news.com) (43)
(The Local (Germany)) Cool Biker caught flipping the bird to speed camera  (thelocal.de) (159)
(Yahoo) Silly The top ten cities for cheapskates. Want to know just how cheap? One of the categories is "Dollar Generals in a 30-mile radius"  (finance.yahoo.com) (165)
(Washington Times) Ironic Kyrgyzstan's 'eternal flame' goes out because of unpaid gas bill  (washingtontimes.com) (51)
(Some Guy) Amusing "We regret to inform you that your application to the University has been denied because you're dead"  (wiod.com) (41)
(Google) Photoshop Iron Photoshop Ingredient: Silverware  (google.com) (24)
(kplctv.com) Sad Unclaimed bodies piling up in morgue. What will they do? Remains to be seen  (kplctv.com) (67)
(Seacoastonline.com) Obvious Bicyclists outraged by sign asking them to share the road too  (seacoastonline.com) (555)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass Man tries to get bad check cashed twice, is arrested once  (mcall.com) (7)
(New York Daily News) Stupid One in 10 believe world is ending in 2012, one in seven believe it will end in their lifetime  (nydailynews.com) (191)
(CBC) Asinine Student suspended for wearing shirt that promotes a) alcohol, b) drugs, or c) Jesus  (cbc.ca) (409)
(FOX Charlotte) Fail Woman faked pregnancy, even had her family throw her a baby shower, before she beat a woman with a tire iron and kidnapped her baby  (foxcharlotte.com) (44)
(Fox News) Followup Weaponized bird flu instructions published. Is it hot in here or is it just me?  (foxnews.com) (53)
(Some Guy) Interesting Reducing calories may preserve memory by reducing calories to preserve memory. Mmmmmm preserves  (1035superx.com) (25)
(Some Guy) Fail Horrifying: 1200 people receive the same jury summons for the same day causing a massive traffic jam. Fark: Courthouse clerk failed to update the system causing the "glitch". Milton Waddams said to be unimpressed  (sacramento.cbslocal.com) (55)
(SeattlePI) Interesting Prison cat is watching you try not to drop the soap  (seattlepi.com) (33)
(Slate) Obvious My 19 year old niece made a porno, should I tell her mother? No. You should send me the link  (slate.com) (286)
(Some Guy) Cool I'll raise your BAC level and raise you a "I was so plastered I didn't know I got hit by a train"  (livinglakecountry.com) (15)
(SFGate) Stupid Captured documents from the Bin Laden raid revealed plans for a "human lawnmower," which involved ramming a truck outfitted with spinning blades into crowds of people. No word on development of rocket skates or green bat suit  (sfgate.com) (100)
(Boing Boing) Fail A comprehensive summary of all the good things the TSA has been up to the last few weeks  (boingboing.net) (65)
(WCIV) Asinine Ma'am, is there anyone in the house? 'No officer, just my kids.' Kids, is there anyone in the house? 'YEAH There's two mens in the back watching TV and one of them's got a bullet up his butt'  (abcnews4.com) (39)
(Philly.com) Obvious Popular restaurant often used to host political fund-raisers hasn't paid its utility bills since opening. The city has been "mistakenly" picking up the tab instead. "There is no inside job" says the restaurant owner  (philly.com) (19)
(Newser) Followup "If the idea of cows creepily frozen inside a mountain cabin sounds like the stuff of horror movies, bad news: The tale's ending is no less macabre"  (newser.com) (59)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Dumbass Three Delta employees decide that the TSA shouldn't have all the drug-smuggling fun. Bonus: They're foiled when their checked bag actually arrives on time  (ajc.com) (7)
(Fark) Misc Funny pics? You don't know the history of funny pics. I do. You laugh, you lose  (fark.com) (573)
(Fark) Survey My wife asks me last night: "Would you be freaked out if someone you were dating told you they were a post-op transsexual?" So now, I pose this question to you  (fark.com) (296)
(The Week) Strange Californian treasure hunter Bill Warren's plan to find the greatest treasure of all: Bin Laden's rotting, waterlogged corpse  (theweek.com) (34)
(Telegraph) Amusing National Zoo has an elephant who plays the harmonica. They should give it a tuba and see what happens  (telegraph.co.uk) (17)
(First Coast News) Florida Looking for unique venue to hold your kid's birthday party? Look no farther than your local funeral home. "We've done a bridal shower, a baby shower, a surprise birthday party"  (firstcoastnews.com) (11)
(Some Guy With Singles) Florida If using welfare money for strippers and booze is wrong, I don't want to be right  (freebeacon.com) (121)
(NYPost) Obvious Reacting to the latest almost-crash caused by goose strikes, does the FAA 1) begin a goose-culling program, 2) call for jet engine re-design, or 3) hassle the passenger who took the goose-strike video?  (nypost.com) (186)
(Daily Stab) Amusing Hillary Clinton wants to help Jason Segel forget Sarah Marshall, but only if there are muppets involved  (dailystab.com) (40)
(Fark) Advice Disappearing socks -where do they go? No, really  (fark.com) (149)
(Right Wing Watch) Followup Remember David Barton's appearance this week on The Daily Show? When he spoke about a five year old who was yelled at by a teacher for praying before eating his lunch in the school cafeteria? Yeah, about that  (rightwingwatch.org) (192)
(Daily Mail) Interesting In keeping in line with the rest of America's renowned political hillbilly family from Alaska, Levi Johnston is planning on naming his newborn daughter after an Italian pistol manufacturer  (dailymail.co.uk) (182)
(Some Trekker) Wheaton "I'm glad you're here, because you're our pain in the ass"  (videosift.com) (87)
(St. Petersburg Times) Followup Man arrested for having sex with girlfriend's dog held dream job - at the local humane society  (tampabay.com) (55)
(WPTV) Obvious Blind Chinese activist who left the refuge of the U.S. Embassy in Beijing said he regrets the move because he can't see himself living there anymore  (wptv.com) (52)
(Huffington Post) Amusing Straight man's Facebook status: "I am gay, I'm coming out." Friends and family: "OMG" Best Buy employee who exchanged his broken cell phone: "Trollololol"  (huffingtonpost.com) (240)
(Fox News) Obvious New study finds obese women face serious job discrimination unless they can wear a Viking helmet and sing "Ride of the Valkyries"  (foxnews.com) (283)
(My Fox DC) Scary Blood tests aren't always 100% accurate - but when the crazy looking guy with the blood-filled syringe says it's tainted with AIDS, just take his word for it (w/ mugshot)  (myfoxdc.com) (14)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida The bartender's first mistake was serving five beers and 13 shots of Jagermeister to a man and his pregnant girlfriend  (nwfdailynews.com) (45)
(Some Guy) Weird Biker clocked going 170 mph on NY freeway. Big shock: He was trying to get out of Albany  (duluthnewstribune.com) (90)
(Huffington Post) Interesting Your computer is more likely to be infected by going to religious websites than to porn websites; opposite findings for your keyboard, mouse, and monitor  (huffingtonpost.com) (51)
(Gizmodo) Amusing A story about parking missiles over your house should make you stroppy but the words "War Blimp" are just too giggle-inducing  (gizmodo.com) (43)
(Fox News) Interesting If you ever want to know how bad things are after a natural disaster, call Waffle House. FEMA does  (foxnews.com) (49)
(CNN) Followup The Harley motorcycle found washed up in Canada has been claimed. Harley Davidson will restore for free and return it... Excuse me, I got motorcycle dust in my eyes now  (news.blogs.cnn.com) (52)
(Mother Nature Network) Scary Becoming a vegetarian is the healthiest thing you can do for your body, as long as you don't mind an increased risk of colorectal cancer, lower bone mineral density, and insufficient levels of Omega-3 Fatty Acid  (mnn.com) (176)
(Some Guy) Followup Remember that guy who was expelled for watching Glee? About that  (stufffundieslike.com) (58)
(Telegraph) Amusing The All England Squid Championships ended with only one squid caught. With picture of the captured leviathan  (telegraph.co.uk) (34)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Member of the famous Falling Wallendas gets permission to cross Niagara Falls  (heraldnet.com) (23)
(Some Guy) Interesting If you've recently been to New Zealand's East Coast and had a really good time, this article may help explain why it now hurts to pee  (gisborneherald.co.nz) (20)
(Short List) Weird The spray that gets you instantly drunk is pointlessly amazing and amazingly pointless  (shortlist.com) (44)
(AP) Unlikely Russia threatens to preemptively strike NATO missile defense sites if NATO does not agree to their demands  (hosted.ap.org) (73)
(WRCB-TV) Cool "This is my first experience with an animal, other than taking care of my dog Sparky," Dr. Warren says. "So, I'm branching out a little bit"  (wrcbtv.com) (11)
(Yahoo) Obvious Bin Laden's last words to be published today. Leaked reports indicate: "AAAAAUauuuggh...." *thud*  (news.yahoo.com) (188)
(SFGate) Followup Chefs fail to repeal foie gras ban. Great googly moogly  (sfgate.com) (69)
(Daily Star) Dumbass After five years, taxi driver suddenly decides to tell the world's media he remembers taking missing girl in the back of his car (with bonus pic of him pointing to precisely where she sat)  (dailystar.co.uk) (16)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting Five facts you might not know about Cinco de Mayo. #6: It's not officially sponsored by Corona  (mnn.com) (47)
(WTOV9) Amusing Not News: City puts up Rough Road sign. News: Someone paints "No sh*t Sherlock" on the sign. Fark: Residents respond they find it funny  (wtov9.com) (21)
(MSNBC) Fail Drivers neglecting to use a turn signal cause two million accidents a year, 14 outside of Florida  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com) (73)
(Some Guys) Photoshop Photoshop this greeting at the Globe Theatre   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (26)
(Daily Mail) Florida When real life imitates Ferris Bueller: "You guys got nothing to worry about, I'm a professional." A professional what?  (dailymail.co.uk) (27)
(Daily Mail) Interesting New study finds short men live longer than taller men, still the last to know if it's raining  (dailymail.co.uk) (68)
(The Daily Beast) Asinine Munch's "The Scream" sells for $119 million. If only there were an apt visual metaphor which expressed the extreme consternation and surprise appropriate for such a sum being offered for a bit of pigment squiggled onto paper  (thedailybeast.com) (120)
(Hartford Courant) Amusing Thirteen-year-old student to Metropolitan Museum of Art: "Your map is wrong." OH SNAP  (courant.com) (104)
(Fox 5 Atlanta) Dumbass Protip: If your first kidnapping victim gets out of the trunk of your car and escapes, you may want to wait a little more than 30 minutes before trying to kidnap another woman. Just sayin'  (myfoxatlanta.com) (44)
(PennLive) Amusing Father of the year candidate goes to: A man who entered a school bus with his daughter and encouraged her to fight another girl  (pennlive.com) (59)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 365: "Wow! Nice Wood!" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (179)
(Some Guy) Followup William Orders, a hang glider pilot, stands accused of swallowing key evidence in a young woman's death. For once, police are closely following Orders  (huffingtonpost.ca) (59)

Wed May 02, 2012
(SeattlePI) Strange Hallelujah, it's raining men in the ladies room  (seattlepi.com) (38)
(News.com.au) Florida Cop steals from car at Disney World, will be sentenced to five hours on "It's a Small World"  (news.com.au) (61)
(ktvb.com) Scary Shoplifter pulls out samurai sword, slashes prices  (ktvb.com) (55)
(KnoxNews) Hero Teen saves sister by killing man with skillet. Authorities say charges probably won't pan out  (knoxnews.com) (161)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Exposing your genitals then stabbing and pistol whipping people is no way to spend a Wednesday night, Officer Dumas  (abclocal.go.com) (69)
(Some Sign) Caption Caption this free offer   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (43)
(Yahoo) Scary Not News: Man goes to pick up his daughter from day care. News: The place is locked up tight. Fark: He has to break in to get inside because the three-year-old was left alone  (news.yahoo.com) (137)
(NYPost) Sick Home health aide guilty of stealing nearly $800K from elderly woman. Thank you for being a fiend  (nypost.com) (70)
(The Atlantic) Photoshop Photoshop these perched painters  (cdn.theatlantic.com) (19)
(Some Guy) Amusing We can rebuild him, we have the technology ... to build the world's first bionic llama  (fox40.com) (63)
(SacBee) Weird T-13, r-22, a-37, p-69  (sacbee.com) (62)
(Some Guy) Interesting A helpful illustrated guide on how to say "Fark you" around the world  (mandatory.com) (67)
(Abc.net.au) Interesting Suu Kyi sworn in as member of Burmese parliament, receives five dollars  (abc.net.au) (49)
(Some Future Ditch Digger) Fail Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning not to assault and attempt to rob a teacher in the school cafeteria?  (owingsmills.patch.com) (75)
(Some diver) Cool Coolest photos of a giant Pacific octopus fishing for and eating a seagull you'll see today  (leaderpost.com) (97)
(WPTV) Florida A bunch of guys decide to turn off their GPS devices, hide their cars, go home and watch a movie. Fark: They're on-duty deputies and sergeants  (wptv.com) (71)
(Some Guy) Scary You bring a Cessna, we'll bring a F/22. It's the Chicago way  (chicago.cbslocal.com) (99)
(NPR) Photoshop Photoshop this photo session  (npr.org) (26)
(USA Today) Followup British spy whose body was found inside a locked sports bag was likely "killed in a criminal act", says London coroner Ric Romero  (usatoday.com) (67)
(Slactory) Sappy I was a teenage Meme: Heartwarming letters from Fat Emo Guy to the girl who counts to potato  (slacktory.com) (164)
(Boston.com) Strange The bad news is that you've been caught after killing your mother and grandmother. The good news is that your mug shot will make every top 50 list for the next 10 years  (boston.com) (74)
(WTAM) Scary Garbage truck starts new underwater pickup route  (wtam.com) (18)
(TMZ) NewsFlash Junior Seau has gone full Dave Duerson  (tmz.com) (786)
(Some Guy) Stupid News: Group held hostage in restaurant. Fark: for refusing to pay gratuity  (click2houston.com) (380)
(KHOU Houston) Fail Suspect in the act of robbing adult video store caught by police before he can get off a shot  (khou.com) (15)
(Yahoo) Cool 'Iceman' mummy holds world's oldest blood cells, which experts predict will lead to either a Michael Crichton book or a Pauly Shore movie  (news.yahoo.com) (96)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Ever wanted to get into bed with identical twins? Well this guy married them (and their cousin). Polygamy rocks  (dailymail.co.uk) (395)
(The Week UK) Scary Violent Belarus police arrests entire audience watching screening of film about violent Belarus police  (theweek.co.uk) (34)
(Indecision Forever) Amusing How do you say goodbye to Newt? By creating a Goodnight Moon storybook tribute of course (sponsored link)  (indecisionforever.com) (50)
(Some Guy) Sad Man was a helmet at the time of the accident  (wlwt.com) (97)
(Antarctica Bar) Cool Reminder: NYC Fark Party tonight: 9pm Antarctica Bar on Hudson. Johnny Walker tasting is full, this is the afterparty (LGT location)  (antarcticabar.com) (144)
(Quad City Times) Followup Good news: City Comptroller did not steal $30 million from the city over the course of ten years. Bad news: City Comptroller stole $53 million from the city over the course of twenty years  (qctimes.com) (127)
(Washington Post) Amusing At least one person was upset at Keith "Bridge Burner" Olbermann's firing from MSNBC: Osama Bin Laden  (washingtonpost.com) (95)
(Some Guy) Florida Tampa police Capt. David Goodman said he's glad citizens are being aware of their surroundings and that the pot plant was found before the Republican National Convention  (baynews9.com) (71)
(Sun Journal (Maine)) Scary One problem with using a turkey call while out hunting turkey is that the turkey isn't the only animal that might think you're a turkey. Turkey  (sunjournal.com) (92)
(Huffington Post) Dumbass Oompa Loompa Jersey mom puts five-year-old in tanning bed, burning her. Officials, Wonka not amused  (huffingtonpost.com) (194)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida If you are going to have sexual relations with your girlfriends dog it's probably a good idea to delete the pics off your cell phone  (tampabay.com) (102)
(Reuters) Asinine Say folks, would you like to become a rapist? Are rapists getting a bum deal in your part of the country? Worry no more fellas, I invite you to come to Montana, the land of trophy elk, big skies, and consequence-free rape  (reuters.com) (136)
(Telegraph) Cool Lost budgie returned home after reciting its entire address to police. Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the loo  (telegraph.co.uk) (33)
(Des Moines Register) Silly Cardboard cutout of Tim Tebow accompanies Iowa high schooler to prom, is expected to make the next Fark party  (desmoinesregister.com) (43)
(UPI) Followup If you're going to use boxer shorts to disguise your face during a robbery, don't let them briefly fall off  (upi.com) (12)
(WPTV) Florida Not News: An analysis of Florida crashes reveals old people are bad drivers. Fark: And are incapable of turning left  (wptv.com) (102)
(CBC) PSA Protip: If your lawsuit claims 'chronic pain and diminished ability to enjoy life' it's probably best to keep those vacation pics off facebook  (cbc.ca) (52)
(PennLive) Sick News: Man charged with burglary after breaking in to barn. Sick tag: He was performing oral sex on a horse  (pennlive.com) (177)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this tipped truck  (msnbcmedia4.msn.com) (25)
(The Atlantic Wire) Asinine Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law means you cannot be prosecuted for using deadly force against an attacker-unless you're a woman who fires a warning shot to stop your husband's attack-then you get 20 years  (theatlanticwire.com) (448)
(Some Guy) Florida Meet Florida State's new mascot: My Little Pony  (cfbsection.com) (116)
(KVIA.com) Sappy Teen with Down Syndrome wins gold at Special Olympics, second place in a national beauty contest... but still has one more goal to fulfill before she graduates high school  (kvia.com) (224)
(MSN) Sick Bricks from Bin Laden house are being sold for a nickel each. Get your OBL bricks here  (now.msn.com) (72)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Brooklyn doesn't like boobies or amazing hot wings with dip  (dailymail.co.uk) (143)
(Some Guy) Spiffy People are re-discovering manual transmissions in cars. Women apparently not asked about this  (autoblog.com) (492)
(NBC San Diego) Sick You get busted celebrating 4/20 day by the DEA. Do they: A) arrest you, B) throw you in a small cell, C) forget about you for five days leaving you to drink your urine to survive, or D) ALL OF THE ABOVE?  (nbcsandiego.com) (345)
(Some Guy) Asinine Pastor: Is your toddler acting gay? Punch them  (advocate.com) (266)
(Fark) FarkParty TORONTO FARK PARTY - June 2nd. 1pm Blue Jays v. Red Sox, 8pm variety show at The Comedy Bar - stand-up, music and burlesque acts put together by our very own Mike "Nug" Nahrgang (AKA The Mustard Man). Come mooch a beer off Drew  (fark.com) (111)
(Daily Mail) Sick Note To pedophiles: When preparing for a routine home inspection by the police, don't forget to release the 12 year old boy locked-in the cabinet  (dailymail.co.uk) (113)

Tue May 01, 2012
(nooga.com) Asinine Responsible journalism at its finest: Five Chattanooga locations to snipe people from if I were a sniper, which I'm not  (nooga.com) (81)
(The New York Times) Strange High school girl decides that just because her religion forbids dating, or even dancing with boys, that's no reason she shouldn't be able to buy an expensive prom dress--so she organizes an "all-girl prom"  (nytimes.com) (233)
(NPR) Silly Yo dawg, I heard you like bookshelves so I wrote a book about bookshelves to put on your bookshelf  (npr.org) (64)
(CONTEMPORIST) Photoshop Photoshop this festive woven furniture collection  (contemporist.com) (33)
(Some Guy) Strange Choose who you sit next to on a plane via social media. What could possibly go wrong?  (travelandleisure.com) (83)
(Some Guy) Cool "If you like to eat, then Cook It Raw is the kind of high-minded, just-shy-of-bullshiat-sounding experiment you should be happy exists"  (travelandleisure.com) (59)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Scary Slow news day: 50-pound turtle OK after getting hit by car  (ajc.com) (71)
(Newser) Dumbass Woman comes home drunk and bites family dog. Dog bites back in self defense. No charges against the dog  (newser.com) (49)
(Telegraph) Interesting Bruce Dickinson to create 1,000 jobs. Yes, THE Bruce Dickinson  (telegraph.co.uk) (141)
(NJ.com) Dumbass Bank robber admits to stealing silver chalice. He chose... poorly  (nj.com) (44)
(kdvr.com) Sad I don't know whether the chicken or the egg came first, but I'm pretty sure that the egg farm fire came before 500,000 chicken deaths  (kdvr.com) (91)
(The Atlantic Wire) Obvious Articles "for women" that should be banned, including everything between the covers of Cosmo  (theatlanticwire.com) (287)
(DCist) Strange Okay, panda semen is going in  (dcist.com) (40)
(CTV) Sad The bucket-list baby is done checking items off of her bucket list. Sad tag trumps Followup  (toronto.ctv.ca) (111)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this bouncing bruin  (dailycamera.com) (39)
(Some Guy) Stupid Try to pass a real $50 bill at a Quick Mart in Tennessee? That's a jailin'  (t-g.com) (190)
(NJ.com) Interesting NJ transgender woman successfully gets Aetna to cover her mammograms and prostate exams  (nj.com) (68)
(Gainesville Sun) Florida "Well, which combination of rice, beans, and sub-human-grade ground beef _did_ you want?"  (gainesville.com) (91)
(Fark) Asinine Why would you put ketchup on hot dogs? That's the greatest sin of all time  (fark.com) (567)
(Gore Vidal Now) Interesting Gore Vidal, Mike Wallace and the 1967 CBS News report, 'The Homosexuals'  (gorevidalnow.com) (110)
(Some Guy) Dumbass It's 1am. Do you know where your child is? If you said "in the hospital with a gunshot wound after breaking into the school", come and get him  (mega949.com) (30)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Yep, Florida  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (69)
(Independent) Fail The next Bank of England governor will be . . . a former Goldman Sachs banker  (independent.co.uk) (35)
(Fark) Survey What is the bravest thing you have ever done?  (fark.com) (417)
(Embarrassed MENSA guy) Amusing Any MENSA Farkers out there? You'll be please to meet your newest member: a two year old  (timescolonist.com) (168)
(Daily Express) Amusing After 236 years, American independence is fully vindicated  (express.co.uk) (56)
(SFGate) Dumbass San Francisco changes the definition of what a hill is for fun and profit. But, mostly for profit  (blog.sfgate.com) (107)
(NewsNet5) Scary Red TransAm seen idling nearby. Two men inside told "they will never work in this town again"  (newsnet5.com) (56)
(Gizmodo) Obvious Would you like to fly the most advanced airplane in the world, that doesnt really work? Neither do Air Force Pilots  (gizmodo.com) (210)
(cbs baltimore) Obvious Johns Hopkins University adds new course to catalog: Don't Bang A Hooker If You're A Secret Service Agent 101  (baltimore.cbslocal.com) (15)
(Houston Chronicle) Asinine Federal Court ruling that Texas cannot bar Planned Parenthood from serving low-income women blocked 5 minutes later by Appellate Court  (blog.chron.com) (243)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Transformer Raiders: Epic Fail". This is not an article about Shia LaBeouf  (big1059.com) (16)
(Wired) Weird Post-traumatic stress flashbacks can be prevented--with Tetris. Apparently it blocks out bad memories  (wired.com) (34)
(Omaha World Herald) Stupid Town of 11 purchases enough beer for each resident to drink 1071 12oz beers a day. Oh, and there's that Native American Reservation a couple miles north suing them  (omaha.com) (247)
(Slate) Amusing Dear Prudence: "My wife is very proper and would never pass gas in public (or even semi-private), but when we have sex she farts. A lot, sometimes"  (slate.com) (158)
(Philly.com) Obvious Being "born again" linked to more brain atrophy, according to pivotal new paper from the Journal of Trolling Research  (philly.com) (199)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "After punching a man several times in the face without provocation, Juarez got off the bus and got back on to throw a garbage can"  (big1059.com) (22)
(Fox News) Sick Spirit Airlines won't refund ticket for terminally ill Vietnam Vet; says the only way he can get a refund is to die before or during the flight. Come on, man, show some spirit  (foxnews.com) (95)
(Newser) Florida Senior Citizen Attacks Golfing Bachelor Party. Tells them to respect their elders ... as he drives a golf cart into them  (newser.com) (37)
(Buzzfeed) Amusing The 37 saddest failed Kickstarter projects. "I have taken so many dumb part-time jobs to keep it going that it is embarrassing and tiring"  (buzzfeed.com) (124)
(Some Guy) Fail Octomom to rely on Rule 34 for income  (wptz.com) (180)
(NYPost) Amusing OCCUPY *not valid Nov 1 - April 30  (nypost.com) (149)
(BGR) Interesting Apple to crush carriers, become direct service provider  (bgr.com) (88)
(The American Interest) Scary Europe is showing a frightening nostalgia for the 1930s   (blogs.the-american-interest.com) (86)
(Some Guy) Cool Apparently not content with just your browsing habits, Facebook now wants your organs   (digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com) (37)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Life stinks for high school media specialist busted over sock fetish  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (34)
(Fox News) Interesting Supermoon Alert With unhelpful picture of what a "Supermoon" doesn't look like  (foxnews.com) (35)
(Herald Tribune) Florida "Do you know just how fast you were going young lady?" "Yes, officer, I'm sorry. I'm late for a drug deal and he gets angry if we're late"  (heraldtribune.com) (15)
(Some Guy) Interesting Student drops F-bomb on principal. Principal's response? A) Suspend kid. B) Have cops tase and arrest him. C) Actually show empathy. BONUS: School's suspensions drop like a rock  (acestoohigh.com) (124)
(Some Bard) Dumbass They were just like Romeo and Juliet: except Juliet's mom sent topless pics to Romeo's cell phone and his father then blackmailed Juliet's mom for an Xbox. But other than that  (dumbassdaily.com) (28)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Drunk couple decide that towing their 7-year-old granddaughter's Hot Wheels racer behind an SUV, with granddaughter at the wheel in car show attire, is a really cool idea. Strangely, a deputy watching this was not amused  (heraldtribune.com) (46)
(Iowa City Press-Citizen) Followup Owner of the bar that told a girl to go be fat somewhere else wants to issue an apology, maybe even bake an apology cake  (press-citizen.com) (153)
(Short List) Spiffy Because you'll never fly Virgin Atlantic First Class, you'd never find out that their ice cubes are now shaped like Richard Branson's head. Hence this greenlight. You're very welcome  (shortlist.com) (63)
(Gawker) Dumbass What do you do if you disagree with someone's political positions in North Carolina? Shoot up their lawn signs, of course. Oh, and don't forget to film yourself doing it  (gawker.com) (207)
(Daily Star) Amusing Man left with embarrassing trouser problem after abandoning four-burgers-a-day diet (with helpful pic)  (dailystar.co.uk) (58)
(Daily Express) Scary This crab may only be a baby, but judging by his expression...you're lunch  (express.co.uk) (51)
(USA Today) Stupid So you know that impending student loan rate crisis that's about to destroy our nation and has both parties tearing each other apart (again)? Yeah, turns out it's not really much of a crisis at all  (usatoday.com) (147)
(NYPost) Ironic Charlie Sheen sues strip club because "it could damage his reputation"  (nypost.com) (42)
(Daily Mail) Obvious How do you say "LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE" in Spanish?  (dailymail.co.uk) (64)
(WJLA.com) Amusing "Hello, 911? Yes, I'm calling to report a home robbery." "Okay, sir, what did they steal?" "My weed." "Your what?"  (wjla.com) (20)
(TC Palm) Florida Girlfriend jailed in "adult entertainment" beating, demonstrating Hell hath no fury like a woman porned  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (46)
(Some Guy) Misc Unattended multi-million dollar mansions in San Diego are being raided by groups of up to 400 very hard-partying teens. "The house was trashed. Vomit, cigarette butts, bottles everywhere"  (10news.com) (95)
(MSNBC) Interesting Documents recovered from the raid that killed Osama bin Laden show he wanted to rename Al Qaeda to something less identified with "failure after failure". Unfortunately for him, "Congress" was already taken  (openchannel.msnbc.msn.com) (71)
(Slate) Followup Last week's "study" that claimed homophobes were actually closeted gays? Yeah, about that  (slate.com) (249)
(WRCB-TV) Obvious On the bright side, the sermons about Hell just got a lot more realistic  (wrcbtv.com) (23)
(Myrtle Beach Online) Fail Man attending anger management classes assaults his two children, girlfriend and another woman after learning the kids were taking a bath  (myrtlebeachonline.com) (39)
(Philly.com) Followup Soylent Green?  (philly.com) (40)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this belittled billionaire   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (21)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida From the "I Want To Party With Her" files: Woman caught shoplifting Coppertone Dry Oil, Modelo beer, Pepsi, Bubba keg, Combo ink, Tampax tampons, shampoo, Energizer batteries, and Venus razors  (nwfdailynews.com) (52)
(PhillyBurbs) Amusing Man exposes himself at Association for the Blind  (phillyburbs.com) (42)
(My San Antonio) Unlikely Dear Judge: Eddie didn't mean to steal that seven thousand dollars from those children. He just had a brain tumor. Thanks for understanding. Sincerely, Eddie's doctor  (mysanantonio.com) (28)
(Daily Mail) Scary Teacher facing charges after dragging boy, 12, under table saying 'This is what the Nazis do to Jews''. Her lawyer contends it was simply a Holocaust lesson gone bad  (dailymail.co.uk) (90)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Not news: Geek who never missed a day of school since kindergarten is graduating soon, valedictorian, and wants to study engineering. Fark: She's also captain of the cheerleading team, and yes, there's a photo  (westhawaiitoday.com) (240)

Mon April 30, 2012
(The New York Times) Sad Benjamin Netanyahu's father, Yoda Netanyahu, has died. (PIC)  (nytimes.com) (154)
(AZCentral) Scary And if my radio offend thee, pluck mine eye outee, and cast it from thee  (azcentral.com) (62)
(Some Guy) Sad You cancel fire insurance for the antique business housed in your candle-lit wooden barn. What could possibly go wrong?  (abc27.com) (68)
(LA Times) Interesting Old woman is given the ears of a chihuahua (sadly, not surgically, because that would look awesome)  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (46)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this water work  (msnbcmedia2.msn.com) (32)
(Fark) FarkBlog Instrument thieves who may be prone to violins, a note from the Stop Hitting Yourself Institute, and researchers discover the Kardash-ion: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/22 - 4/28  (fark.com) (11)
(The Sun) Followup Actual quote from man held hostage by German Nymphomaniac. He fought back tears to tell them: "I met her on a bus. She invited me back here. It was hell. I can't walk. Please help me"  (thesun.co.uk) (208)
(NPR) Florida A Christian Minister comes to find out just how Christian her community is after she comes as an Atheist  (npr.org) (634)
(The Sun) Asinine Sucks: You get fined for dropping a cigarette butt in the town center. Fark: You're a non-smoker, the butt wasn't yours and was stuck to your shoe  (thesun.co.uk) (82)
(Fox News) Followup Give me my kidney back, you ungrateful biatch  (foxnews.com) (120)
(HyperVocal) Amusing What happens when a Marine's mom sends him some Justin Bieber T-shirts  (hypervocal.com) (115)
(Fark) Photoshop Photoshop theme: what England would be like if the Normans lost in 1066  (fark.com) (35)
(Some Guy) Strange Police on Friday were investigating what would cause Latham to go on his nude rampage. "He was not very cooperative throughout (the incident)"  (thestarpress.com) (46)
(CNN) Unlikely There was a second gunman in the RFK assassination, behind the refrigerator  (cnn.com) (105)
(Myrtle Beach Online) Amusing News: Woman assaults boyfriend with a hammer. Fark: Did we mention it was an inflatable hammer?  (myrtlebeachonline.com) (112)
(Guardian) Obvious This might shock you, but all those documents seized in the Osama bin Laden assassination show that OBL had close ties to al Qaeda and the Taliban. I know. Almost fell off my chair, too  (guardian.co.uk) (132)
(Some Guy) Advice So I got some poison ivy on my hands this weekend. What exotic disease should I tell my coworkers I have?  (plate.com) (269)
(The Smoking Gun) Dumbass (*checks tattoo on her forehead*) Yep, that's the one, officer. That's the one who keeps watching me in the shower  (thesmokinggun.com) (89)
(MSNBC) Scary "Oh, hi doc. Whatcha doin?" "Surgery on your collapsed lung. Go back to sleep"  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com) (145)
(Fark) Advice Submitter has been a Fark liter for 10 years. Why should he upgrade?  (fark.com) (398)
(WPTV) Sappy A couple creates a simple, beautiful bucket list for their six-month-old baby dying of Spinal Muscular Atrophy  (wptv.com) (93)
(NYPost) Interesting NYC's Freedom Tower - which will surpass the height of the Empire State Building today - is not even finished yet and it's already at war with another NYC building. You know what happened last time a couple of buildings went to war?  (nypost.com) (135)
(thelocal.no) Amusing Today's Fark-ready headline: 'Horny Jesus hits cop with massive butt'  (thelocal.no) (29)
(Yahoo) Dumbass The state of Parenting 2012: Dear Abby, whenever my eight-year-old son loses a game, he takes his anger out by beating our dog. He'll be mad at me if I put him in therapy, so how do I convince my wife to get rid of the dog?  (news.yahoo.com) (345)
(Yahoo) Interesting In a suprise twist, federal prosecutors are demanding convicted white-collar criminal Sam Cohen, who defrauded celebrities and foundations of $60 million, be sentenced to "robbed a 7-11" kinda time  (news.yahoo.com) (71)
(WRCB-TV) Scary This just in: even tornadoes can't stop the coming Zombie Apocalypse  (wrcbtv.com) (26)
(Daily Express) Amusing Angry toddler storms off on bike, gets lost, tells police it's his parents' fault for not fitting a sat nav [with angry toddler pic]  (express.co.uk) (97)
(Some Guy) Weird Not News: UFO Guru predicts a UFO will appear on Sunday over an LA park. News: Enough people show up to make it a story. Fark: It actually happens  (news.gather.com) (64)
(wsoctv.com) Dumbass South Carolina mother of the year shoots pool at 3:30AM, leaves baby in the car with dog for protection  (wsoctv.com) (50)
(News.com.au) Dumbass Women were pulling each other's hair and punching each other, "it all went pear-shaped"  (news.com.au) (33)
(Google) Interesting Israel's political leaders are greatly exaggerating the potential effectiveness of a military strike against Iran, according to the former head of some apparently liberal peacenik organization called "Shin Bet"  (google.com) (128)
(LiveLeak) Interesting If you lost a Harley Davidson during the Japanese tsunami, you'll be glad to know that your bike has been found.. washed up on a beach in Canada. w/vid  (liveleak.com) (65)
(Fox News) Strange New York City thinking of banning happy hour. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE  (foxnews.com) (99)
(Yahoo) Silly The silliest complaints to the UK film regulator. 'Every time Judi Dench swears in a film, we expect complaints'  (uk.movies.yahoo.com) (41)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Photoshop a haiku  (en.wikipedia.org) (24)
(Yahoo) Silly College student sues bar for telling her to go be fat somewhere else  (news.yahoo.com) (344)
(Some Guy) Scary "Here's another fact we found out from the state police: troopers don't have any responsibility to inform a business if a sex offender is living in their parking lot"  (wcyb.com) (28)
(NBC San Diego) Strange Not news: Father brings son to cemetery. Fark: To sacrifice him  (nbcsandiego.com) (65)
(WRCB-TV) Obvious College professor plans to study stress, alcoholism. Which may be the most ingenious way to get a research grant for writing a personal diary anyone in academia has ever come up with  (wrcbtv.com) (11)
(WTAE-TV) Dumbass Pro tip: If you must sunbathe, don't do it in the middle of the road  (wtae.com) (55)
(Connecticut Post) Dumbass Drunk driver crashes into liquor store. JACKPOT  (ctpost.com) (17)
(Salon) Interesting "Underneath the bed is a white dress the killer used to wipe his hands, and a slab of uncooked bacon the killer maybe used as a lubricant to masturbate"  (salon.com) (60)
(The Daily Caller) Hero Televangelist Joel Osteen: While I believe homosexuality is a sin, we can't discriminate against gay people. They should be treated as equals and be loved  (dailycaller.com) (475)
(Discovery) Interesting Surprising contributor to global warming: wind farms  (news.discovery.com) (308)

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