You might try our
for easier navigation here.
These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.
are still available for archive links.)
Sun October 09, 2011
Actual headline: "Teens say cutting down trees 'better than drinking'"
California passes law banning young people from getting a Boehner
Babe the pig lives on his own private island in the Bahamas, loves beer (w/pics)
So there's this drought and people will starve, blah blah ... OMG, THE FOOTBALL FIELD GRASS WILL DIE
Four boy scouts that went missing while canoeing were found along the Illinois/Wisconsin border, will earn their "mocked relentlessly for forgetting their compasses" merit badge
Laptop DVD tray ejects six-inch spike through user's hand. Lucky it wasn't in his lap
(Some Sandblasting Guy)
Photoshop this abraded face
13-year-old supergenius is in desperate need of social skills, noogies
Just in time for Halloween, a parked SUV with nobody in it mysteriously flips upside down. "It rolled on its own"
Land sharks on our golf course? BULL
How I stopped detesting the symbolic sexism of traditional ceremonies and learned to love weddings
We don't need no stinkin guns, WE GOT BEES
Number of black widow spider bites in Oklahoma are double what they were last year
Occupy Wall Street has jumped the pond
Today's generation of children aren't being taught to think for themselves in school. Just like the generation before them, and the generation before them, and the generation before them
Police shut down train station due to coffee maker. Somebody needs to switch to decaf
Stockpiles of Kalashnikov rifles are enough to supply Russian army and all the armies of the world. Or Christmas morning at subby's house
Photoshop these back benders
What the hell does this sign mean?
Wheaton's chef wants to level up your food
Teen wears balaclava when going into bank to deposit funds from charity fundraiser. Hilarity ensues
There are many fun things to do while on LSD. Running down the middle of the highway in the middle of the night is probably not one of them
Homeland Security wants to make Minority Report and Person of Interest a reality
Poor economy leads to less driving leads to fewer tickets leads to underemployed traffic lawyers. Won't somebody think about the lawyers?
Not news: Drunk driver hits a tree, killing it. News: The tree was the only one around for miles. Fark: Because it was in the Sahara Desert
Man dies when he falls off yacht and is chopped up by propellers. Those who knew him said he made a fine chum
Photoshop theme: Find a job for Amanda Knox
Headline: "Does clean energy kill jobs?" FTA: "There's really no evidence at all that most people see a conflict between environmental protection and job creation. In fact, in many ways they see them going hand in hand"
Sheriff charged with punching handcuffed man, he said "No I didn't"
Shriner dies during parade when stunt ramp breaks, his go-kart flips and two of his buddies proceed to run him over with their karts. No word yet if funeral procession will be led by cops on mini bikes, followed by teeny tiny hearse
Topless teacher is back in the...hey, wait, i wasn't finished
This years winners of the 12th annual North American Wife Carrying Championship received $620, nine cases of beer and a chance to go on to the World Wife Carrying Championship. With a you'd-carry-that video
Hot teacher accused of abusing special-needs children wins five-year battle to clear her name (w/pic)
Those damn Tea Partiers shut down the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. Oh wait
Study shows babies know difference between right and wrong when they are just 15 months old. How is babby informed?
FAA in a fowl mood about the Arkansas turkey drop
Didn't tip the carhop at Sonic? That's a stabbing
Today, we are teaching police dogs how to fly. Get ready... and fllllyyyyy. OH MAN
Woman sues for being forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Can this be a class action suit?
Yet another reason not to go to Walgreens
Sat October 08, 2011
You know how the pundits always say Ron Paul could never get the Republican presidential nomination because social conservatives won't vote for him? About that
Police are now ticketing drivers who honk in support of Occupy Seattle protestors. Welcome to Amerika
Performance artist to give birth at art gallery in front of an audience, will provide front row attendees with surplus Gallagher ponchos
World's oldest running car sells for $4 million. Could anyone fit in this vehicle?
They grow 'em tough in Belarus
The "Occupy" movement. A collective effort with no goals
Remember sailors, always look both ways before crossing an active aircraft carrier flight deck
Photoshop this container ship stranded on a reef off the New Zealand coast
Four teens try to rob a pizza place. Customer goes all "History of Violence" on them; kills one with an employee's handgun and critically wounds the rest
Right now, you could be watching this Van Halen-inspired tribute to old-school video games
(Some Homeless Dude)
Landlord raises rent 250% retroactive to the first of the month in the only state left operating at a surplus
Problem: Drivers in Caracas, Venezuela ignoring even the most basic traffic laws. Solution: Send in the mimes (Hey, it worked in Bogota, Colombia)
Welcome to our lov_ly _wim_ing p__l. Notice there's no "moose" in it. Let's keep it that way (w/video)
Home sale garden gnome removal fee skyrockets to $39.666666 each. "The fate of the gnomes remains unclear"
Did you remember to read the 120 page list of speed camera tickets to see if your plate got caught? It's the law
Photoshop this goose stepping owl
(NBC New York)
Protip: If you have weed in your pocket, it's best if you walk past the nice police doggie instead of stopping to pet him
The 12 most epic Fark threads ever. This could be number 13
First they came for the peanut butter, and I said nothing because my mouth was full of poutine. Now they've come for the fake peanut butter made from soy. You know what? I don't give a Flying Elvis. Soy products taste like crap
Farking nail polish, how does it work?
Subby has a 20 ounce steak marinating in the fridge. What super awesome thing are you looking forward to today?
Now if we could just get a truck filled with bacon to tip over we could make a helluva omelet
(Some Booze Thief)
Today's 2000 cases of booze mysteriously driven away from beer plant brought to you by Jacksonville
Uhh...hey guys? Don't mean to alarm you or nothing, but we, uh, thought you should know Canada is on fire
Woman: I've had a stroke, get me to a hospital. Employer: Can you wait a month?
In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy crap where did all the Catholics go?
Photoshop this surprised shopper
Nestle warns things could get messtle
What how you hold your drink says about you, or what some mamby pambee british sci... hey, don't make me hit you with this bottle
We really don't know what good a rowboat filled with sheep could do, but thanks
Police Lt. called to rescue a kitten trapped in a storm drain not only spends hours standing in muck to do so, but then takes the kitten home when no one else can help. Let's give this cat lover 2 paws up on Caturday
If you drive a car in any of these colors, you're just as farking boring as the rest of society
Pilot flying 2,300 miles from California to Hawaii discovers he only has enough fuel to fly 2,287 miles. Awkward
(Some Rammer Jammer)
Rural Alabama meth bust nets a gold mine in mug shots (link to totally worth it slideshow in article)
Corgis are 'the new cats' of Internet culture, still waiting on poptart infusion
Two Tibetans get fired up over Chinese oppression
Mom ordered to repay child support after 'Dad' found to be sterile .... Awkward
You know there's a recession when the unclaimed-cash booth is the biggest attraction at Peanut Fest. To be Fair, $45,000 isn't exactly peanuts
Teenager says it was all fun and games when his friends kidnapped him for his birthday, but was a bit surprised to discover they had turned him into a woman
Fri October 07, 2011
Drive the wrong way and kill a woman? It'll only cost you $268 if you're a state senator
Father of the Year candidate reacts to his disobedient kids by locking them out of the house, setting fire to their clothing and toys. Again
Man tries to kill himself with a chainsaw. Emphasis on 'tries'
Naked ex-postman superglues himself to a Job Center desk in protest. Way to make yourself look employable there buddy
Seattle is experiencing a rash of public masturbators
This week's Mugshot Roundup features a hairy mess, non-waterproof mascara, and the goddamn Batman
In which two idiots think it doesn't look suspicious to load an A/C unit into a convertible in the middle of the night
Liquor before beer, in the clear... beer before liquor, black out and steal three-gallon drum of lemon chiffon ice cream
Octopi Wall Street
Dutch trains get plastic bags for passengers to pee in during emergencies. You don't know want to know what the Germans are doing
Photoshop this wacky wedding photo shoot
Of course it's sheriff candidate's policy never to imply ownership in the event of an unsolicited penis photo... always use the indefinite article: "a" penis, never "your" penis
Time is money, which is why you are fat
"When the school was opened on Wednesday morning, someone on staff noticed that the library ceiling was missing, and that raised a red flag"
The war in Afghanistan is "halfway done." Which sounds really wonderful, until you realize it's been going on for ten years already
It's baaaack: Try your hand at this week's Fark Weird News Quiz
"Congress is less popular than the use of caning as punishment for teenage vandals"
You hear somebody butcher a song in karaoke, do you C) Punch a 79-year-old participant into a plate glass window?
Researchers find token link between marijuana use and vehicle crashes
Media discovers that outer space aliens are living near Kansas City, where they totally blend in
Garbage bag disguise: check. Stealing tobacco from a recovering stroke victim: check. Found hiding under a bed by police: check. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present today's dumbest crook
How does Washington respond to Occupy [Your City Name HERE]? With a press release from the Bureau of Rectally Extracted Statistics
New UN skyscraper will cost 5x original estimates, with engineers tracing the overruns to problems designing a containment vessel for the sheer volume and density of bullshiat
What kind of world are we living in when you cant even trust carnival midway workers anymore?
Man arrested for assault using a brick and a chair. If he keeps this up, he may have a future career in the WWE
On again, off again rapture is back on again
Dairy farmers are getting around a ban on unpasteurized milk by selling it as pet food. "Where's my freedom of choice to choose what I put in my mouth?"
10 dumbest places to meet the love of your life. Fark politics tab strangely omitted, but entire state of Kentucky made the list, so maybe that balances it out
(Some Guy's Gramma)
Q. How do you get a 76 year old retiree to abandon her 27 mile police chase at speeds of up to 10 MPH? A. Run alongside her car and tap on the window until she notices
Teen tells cops she robbed her neighbor because she needed money to feed a porn addiction. With mug shot skin-crawlingness
"Occupy Wall Street look just like my church," says woman who apparently has a lot of people taking pictures of themselves in idiotic costumes and uploading it to Flicker during the liturgy
Woman in 80's saved from apartment fire. Why we're just hearing about this now, I don't know
Boston gov't to Tea Party: Where's your form 23J5(c) filled out in #3 pencil and notarized in triplicate with correct diversity and environmental-compliance language, hm? Boston gov't to Occupy: it's all good, camp out wherever
Photoshop these space robots with key wound motor
Boise State player suspended four games for using a Mercede -- wait, it was a 1990 Toyota Camry? SEC: "Son, I am disappoint"
When you're so drunk you call the police because you think your car has been stolen, driving it home after is probably not the best move
(National Parks Traveler)
The former superintendent of Rainier National Park sold his house near the park for nearly 4 times its market value--to a private park concessionaire whose contract renewal he oversaw. Enjoy your woods, Citizen
"My main issue with this cat evacuation kit is that the bag is too heavy for my cat to carry and there is no way to strap it to his back"
Remember when it was legitimately amusing to ridicule Charlie Sheen? Well, prepare for a nostalgic Halloween then
Some of the Occupy DC protestors were lifted from the daily Occupy Home Depot protest
Chilean scientists make a compelling case for rounding up old people and putting them in quarantine. So like Country Buffet, then
Pop-up Austin party tonight (Mike's Texas Tour stop 2): Black Star Co-Op 10 pm-ish
Zac Efron fan buys him a $100,000 bottle of champagne at a Chicago nightclub. Remember "job creators" are far wiser the government comes to spending their money, and therefore they shouldn't pay taxes
(The New Age)
AIDS charity runs out of money to pay safe-sex educators, so to make ends meet, they turn to prostitution
Woman who gave birth on the kitchen floor does it again, but this time in the bathroom. So let's all welcome little Swiffer Gabbitas to the world
Gawker thanks FARK for an abombination of a story
Group opposing California's gay history law bending over backwards to get signatures on the downlow by using anti-child molestor posters to trick voters
As a change of pace, instead of awarding nobel peace prize to a man involved in three wars and assassinating his own citizens, they award it to three women involved in actual peace
Cops ask passed out motorist at Taco Bell drive through for ID. Instead, he gives them a taco, really getting in the spirit of thinking outside the bun
So...do you want to know what an orgasm smells like? You're about to find out
US task force says that healthy men don't need prostate screening. But that's my favorite part of the exam
Psychic arrested for scaring girl into stealing family's jewelry. See if you can guess the rest of this Fark headline
$1 billion Federal foreclosure assistance program ends with almost $600 million left unspent. Guess there's not really a foreclosure problem then, huh?
Small Illinois town evacuated after large quantity of alcohol tragically goes to waste
Emergency Room visits for kids with concussions are on the rise, as opposed to my old man's "Walk it off" strategy
Man complains Daisy Dukes short contest not in good taste. Chamber of Commerce checking with Boss Hogg
In an effort to upstage the patent troll suing people that use WiFi, today's patent troll is suing Motorola for manufacturing cell phones that have a processor
And then there's "drunk enough you think you can fuel your car at the police station's gas pump"
Egyptian man gets threatening phone calls, kidnap attempts and beatings... because he doesn't want to be a porn star. Of course, the porn folks only want him because he's a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein
No clear winner in game of chicken between Jack Russell Terrier and car carrying Jade Cocks
If you catch someone breaking into your house, invite them inside before you shoot them. The general rule is, this side of the window: self defense. That side of the window: attempted murder. Got it? Good
You'd better 'Like' my Facebook status, or else. Also, give me a cow
"The SWAT team stormed in like ninjas". I do not think that word means what you think it means
Photoshop Theme: Greeting cards you'd rather not get. (LGT inspiration)
As if Christianity hasn't shat all over pagan holidays enough, here's Jesus-ween. LOL Jesus ween
If you stole a 50 foot bridge, Pennsylvania State Police would like to have a word with you
UBS: "Our risk systems *did* detect $2bn rogue trader, but we thought it was tax payers' money and thus threw a party with hookers and blow
Honda managed to push only 214 Ridgeline pickups off its dealers' lots in August. More F-150s fell off delivery trucks that month
Yeah, he said it: Vice President Biden comments that Occupy Wall Street has "a lot in common with the tea party"
Environmentalists strip naked to protest a) oil company, b) nuclear plant, or c) biofuel-powered airplane?
BofA: Our recent website problems were NOT in any way related to hacking, we SWEAR. Oh, by the way, a bunch of your debit card information has been compromised. No, the two are not related, we SWEAR. Lying bankers, are they even trying anymore?
(Some mall worker)
Mall yogurt stand worker heads to court after tainting frozen yogurt with semen. Hope they don't let that jerk off
(Some Hot Scot)
Scottish hottest curry contest leads to mass vomiting, hospitalizations, nosebleeds, hilarity
Oh my God - IT'S FULL OF SNAKES (w/pic)
Man who witnessed a car crash was assaulted by the at-fault driver and passenger after calling the police and driving off after them
Woman wins $3 million jackpot at parents' store. That was convenient
Your bizarre hatred for cilantro might be genetic instead of outright idiotic
Two workers injured in explosion at pasta plant. Paramedics say they knew the two victims weren't done because they didn't stick to the wall
OH CRAP Who are we going to borrow from now?
Why have three killer whales been hanging out in an Alaskan river for three weeks now? Because they're killer whales and they'll do what they want, whatever
Fire at cracker factory kills seven people. Honkey factory employees send their condolences
Two used condoms found after family discovers valuables missing in home robbery. Owners believe they got off easy
Half of US population lives in a household that receives state benefits. That's one big house
Thu October 06, 2011
(Angry Zombie Kid)
10 year old girl raped, knocked unconscious, then buried by cousin returns as a zombie to tell mom and dad about the crime
I *told* you to watch for potholes
Obama's DOJ decides to change its mind and demands California's pot dispensaries close down within 45 days or face federal charges
Today's "art project mistaken for a bomb" scare brought to you by a diorama made from a packet of tomato seeds, a flannel shirt and a computer mouse. Yes, there is a picture
What would you look like scared out of your mind? Pics from a Haunted House
No cable TV? That's a stabbin
Good idea: free-range chicken farm. Bad idea: free-range daycare
Helpful hint from Muncie Police: "the train's never really in the wrong" in collisions with trains
Amanda Knox book might be a cut above the rest
Photoshop these yummy fruits & veggies
Here come the Steve Jobs Is Still Alive conspiracy theories
In England, you can now hire a lawyer at the supermarket. Quality of legal services expected to rival that of British food
Despite earlier reports, the decision to kill American citizen Anwar Al-Awlaki was not made unilaterally by Obama. it was made by a secret government panel, meeting in secret, using secret criteria. There, now don't you feel much better?
We are the 1%, suck it peons
Porn sites could hijack company names once the .xxx suffix becomes available. Subby can't wait for westborobaptistchurch.xxx and vatican.xxx
Iran: We totally didn't convict this guy for being a Christian, yeah...um...he was a rapist. yeah, no wait....Maybe a pimp. Ok we're going with pimp. Just ignore what the actual court documents say
Saudi on a flight from JFK to Indy tries to open cockpit door. He seemed simply confused, so another passenger lead him back to his seat and no one freaked out. Could we be learning?
Man prances around in skimpy thong outside a Baptist church to win a $300 bet. Which won't come close to paying his bond
Photoshop Challenge: Complete this artistic garden
If you are still pondering what the double rainbow could mean, get ready to have your mind blown by the DOUBLE-double rainbow
Pop-up Dallas party tonight (Mike's Texas Tour stop 1): Flying Saucer, Dallas, 8pm (note venue change)
Billy Bob Thornton's daugher starring in "Monster's Ball II"
Next year marks the 200th anniversary of the most overzealous interpretation of "That could really use a new coat of paint" in history
Steve Jobs' magic moment: the unveiling of the original 1984 Macintosh
Old and busted: Crack babies. New hotness: Oxytots
Cell phone thief posts photo of himself on victim's Facebook page
XKCD's wonderful, subtle tribute to Steve Jobs
The DC government would like you to know that it's totally not using its new smartphone street parking system to track people whose time has expired, even though it probably could if it wanted to
1 in 10 babies conceived on Ikea beds? I thought they were famous for missing screws
Family of American killed by drone in Yemen says he was such a nice boy who always did the right thing
Australian court rules that a penis is not a prerequisite to being a man. In a lower court ruling, men no longer considered men after getting married and handing their balls over to their wives
Doctors at Romero General Hospital think that cancer probably killed Steve Jobs, sorry to all of you that had "Rabid wolves" in the pool
After assaulting our eyes by displaying her half dollar-sized, fleshy nipple, Nancy Grace decides to follow it up by farting on live television
Tampa's new $3.5 million computer system fixes parking tickets, sending the people who actually pay them to jail. You're doing it wrong
Mumps outbreak reported at Berkeley. If only there was some kind of safe and reliable preventive measure young people could take before an outbreak occurs, perhaps a vaccine or some such thing
Two Florida species extinct, were delicious. Unfortunately the red-necked Florida newsmaker is still at large
It's about time: Fart smeller movement joins ranks with Wall Street occupiers
One DC restaurant has finally found an answer to the age-old question: Beer or ice cream?
Google pulls "is my son gay?" app after it turned out he was
Six statements to "get her in the mood" Surprisingly - "I plan to paint the house" not on list. Add your statement here:
Photoshop this happy bug
Phoenix Zoo brings back oryx. Working next on Ballhogs
Occupy Sesame Street
Tomas Transtromer awarded Nobel Prize for literature that is more than meets the eye
Steve Jobs' funeral to be picketed by Westboro Baptist Church... announced via Tweet sent from iPhone
Gandhi, Mandela, Golda Meir, and Vince Lombardi walk into a bar
This is not the correct way to teach a Kindergartener how to tie a knot
Men are in decline because they play too many video games, don't get married, and aren't religious enough
Scientists clone human stem cells, reduce miracle of life to a few scientific steps
Drunk aide to Massachusetts governor gets pass from Boston police before driving through suburb where they don't know who he is
Severed goat head found on fraternity porch. According to police, the goat head looked like it was bought at a store. In other news, you can buy severed goat's heads at stores
Having solved all other problems, Georgia wing-nuts set to debate whether or not allow guns in church. "Why would you not want to take a gun?"
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 335: "Where the Wild Things Are". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed October 05, 2011
Instructions for turning a Halloween pumpkin into the Death Star
There aren't too many people whose mug shot is a badge of honor. Civil Rights hero Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth, who died today, is one of those people
Vandals break into a special-needs school and smash an aquarium, smear cake on the kitchen floor, and run wheelchairs through pools of refried beans. "The kids' art work is still on the walls. It's bizarre"
Cheerleaders spanked bloody, Teacher-student threesomes, and above all Harry Dick Teacher's discipline chairman writes softcore teen novel. Fark: Also does infant massage
Are you a millionaire who thinks you're not being taxed enough? Soon, you may be able to check "Tax Me More" on your tax form
People bash Rick Perry for executing innocents in Texas, but the truth is that Texas is so efficient at executing people that the governor has almost nothing to do with the process
"People in Chicago are going to want to move after this winter"
Steve Jobs has gone to the iCloud
It's okay to have robotic monsters, flashing lights, and a bloody fountain in your yard to celebrate Halloween. But the minute you get children to dance to "Thriller" in your driveway, the city's going to have some problems
What does it take to destroy the Kelihos botnet, a massive network of infected computers that sends around 3.8 billion spam emails every day?
Awkward wedding photos (awkward slideshow)
Not news: Naked couple arrested in Buick Regal. News: Woman was 71, man was 54. Fark: When cop opened door and asked what they were doing, guy replied, "I'm farking this chick"
The Quitter is quitting again
Apple's Siri becomes butt of jokes in Japan thanks to unfortunate translation. Brings new meaning to the phrase "talking out of my ass"
Prudish wife: What should we do about our hot, wet, sexy, naked, soapy, showering attention whore of a neighbor? Advice Columnist: Shut up and let your husband get his jollies
Do civil rights apply to Jesus schools? Hang on, the Supreme Court is about to tell us
Farmer hires Americans to pick crops at $10.50/hr. Most walk off within six hours. "The work was too hard"
Photoshop Challenge: Make Your Own Fark Muppet, a Fuppet if you will
Autism rates 497.81181619256 percent of what they were a decade ago
Old and Busted: Resting in a jacuzzi. New Hotness: Resting in a jacuzzi dangling 500 Ft. above ground suspended from a bridge
Dear Asshat tourists, there are plenty of things to do in Virginia Beach besides stand on your hotel balconies and blind our pilots trying to land fighter aircraft at the nearby base with laser pointers. Sincerely, The Navy
Police follow DUI suspect from strip club by trail of leaking fluids. Ewww
Amish in bizarre crime spree of cutting off each other's hair and beards
The state that executes more criminals than any other also records their final words. Among claims of innocence, genuine remorse and confused ramblings, you'll also find Sin-Cityesque gems like this "Lets do it man. Lock n Load"
Mr. Ailes, did you hire Ms. Palin as a Fox News contributor because of her keen intellect and political savvy? "I hired Sarah Palin because she was hot and got ratings"
Pro-tip: If someone breaks into your property and steals several CDs filled with kiddy porn, perhaps you shouldn't report the theft to police
Hank Williams Jr. issues a heartfelt apology for his comments about the President. He wants to make it clear that this apology was not written by a publicist. Read it once and you will believe him
Israeli chemist wins Nobel prize for discovering "quasicrystals". A discovery that got him mocked by the scientific community and fired from his job when he announced it
Prisoner serving life sentence given another life sentence for killing child murderer. 1UP
Not to be outdone by BofA, Citi raises basic checking acct fee by 25% and now requires a $1,500 acct minimum to waive the fee. No fee for using a debit card, but we are just getting Wednesday started, aren't we?
Photoshop this adventurous couple
Scientists invent pill to erase memory of the Pickle Incident
Drunk, shouting obscenities and assaulting a cop is no way to go through life, but it's great for terrorizing the nuns at the old folks' home
Roving armadillos could be heading for Washington D.C. SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.
"Occupy Indianapolis" plans to protest and impede entry to business district...on Saturday. Guy Fawkes seen wandering around looking for someone to annoy
(Some Pootie Poot)
Russian intelligence says their operatives don't have license to kill enemies of the state. "You don't need a license"
Who did we compare villains to before Hitler?
People in England offended by squirrel with large nuts. Farkers, not so much
Voting for the worst ad in America has begun. Voting enabled in thread so you can list the ads they missed
Yabba Dabba Bang Bang Bang
If you come across cupcakes while walking in the woods, don't touch. IT'S A TRAP
Detroit is finally a #1 city
CNN's Rowland Martin:"if you threaten my family [and] one of our lives is in danger, I'm doing all I can to kill you. No apologies.". Wow, he's really gotten cranky since Laugh-in was cancelled
Cyclist who chained bike to iron gates fails to take into account cycling iron gate thieves
There was a young man from St Kitts, who chopped lots of monkeys to bits. He fried them in oil, then bought them to boil, and now he has a bad case of the sh*ts
Anybody who thinks their roommate is crazy doesn't have one that uses an arc welder to electrify the screen door or charge police officers with a sword when they arrive
Milwaukee aldermen approve $1 million for Fark improvements. You'll get over it. What? Well it's too late now, I already made the headline
Worlds hottest chilli eating contest leaves two in hospital, wiping butts with ice cream cones
Teenagers, just ain't right in the head
If you take 30 people scuba diving on your boat, don't bring 28 back
Motorist caught on highway drinking coffee, typing on laptop, using thumb drive
Sewage, Lindsay Lohan's crotch, called "virus goldmines"
Highlight of the Occupy Wall Street movement so far: Lotion Man
Kim Jong-il's grandson found on Facebook. *Likes* Love Actually but thinks communism is "totes tarded"
Hikers in Utah's Mill Creek Canyon left speechless by lilac bush, holly bush, old man's bush
It's all fun and games until 20,000 union members show up
Samsung to file injunction against Apple to halt iPhone 4S sales. It's like a great big patent troll snake eating its patented tail. And subby's patented that saying
Chicago officials attempt to rein in gay pride: "Unless you're a hard-core drinker, most people don't drink at 10 o'clock in the morning." They've had gay pride parades before, right?
There's a time and a place for awful speeches. The eulogy at your grandfather's funeral should not be one of them
Warren Buffet challenges Rupert Murdoch on tax returns, limo race
Robbery defendant unable to return to his trial after lunch because he got arrested for robbing a jewelry store during the court's lunch break
You know what would solve a lot of problems simultaneously? A solar-powered energy plant that also desalinates water. Now THAT would...what? They just invented that? Badass
If I'm reading this headline correctly, tilapia is just like bacon
Former Chief of Staff to serve four months for planned attempt to stimulate the economy (w/ mugshot)
Photoshop Challenge: An Egg, A Leg, and Keg
CNN asks whether the media's obsession with stories involving pretty white girls, violence, and sex may have contributed to Amanda Knox's unfair treatment...by recounting four of its favorite such stories
Condoms are being rushed to flood victims in Thailand. What exactly were they flooded with anyway?
With the holidays coming, most Farkers are worried about family pestering them about why they aren't seeing anyone. But now, Fake Girlfriend is here to provide them the cover they need
It turns out a woman does really need a man like a fish needs a bicycle
Investigation finds that airliner could have landed just fine after one engine failed - if the pilot hadn't then switched off the one that still worked
Seal pup wants to cuddle with photographer. Video is rated awww
French schools ration ketchup to ensure kids stay French. Use of garlic to be increased by 1000%
Removal man finds live 2.2 lb WWII German incendiary bomb while clearing garage - "I didn't actually know what it was so I started shaking it". In related news, subby in Scary / Dumbass tag choice dilemma
Teenage burglary suspect gets tripped up by his red boxer shorts after wearing his pants around his knees. (with mugshot badassness)
Need some money? Just shave your kid's head for two years and pretend he has cancer
New study finds that locking children in cages does not help them become well adjusted adults
Everyone should set goals. This guy's goal was to cross six lanes of highway traffic during rush hour
Fark is the internet's most popular news aggregator, ballot rigger
High speed chase? Check. Crash in to the cops? Check. Half a pound of crystal meth in the vehicle? Check. Waiting in jail for 31 months for trial? Charges dismissed for delay of due process. Priceless
"Duchess caught in topless photo scandal". Giggity
Not news: Student wears anti-gay bullying shirt. Still not news: Gets bullied for it. Fark: By principal
"You just sold your newborn son for $15K. What are you gonna do next?" "I'm going to Disney World"
Anheuser-Busch to spend a billion dollars to make sure there's less water in their beer
No rest for the weary. Bastrop County, Texas is on fire again
Slip these on, sugar. For real. Nothing sexier than a broad shuffling around in a pair of slippers, joined by a cord, polishing the floor with every step. Oh, yeah. Shuffle, baby. Shuffle good
Teenager arrested after mom calls police because he refused to clean his room or put on his pants. Millions of teenagers put on earphones, listen to Seven Days Grace, and go "meh" as they do the same
Teen discovers transformers are more than meets the eye, not robots in disguise
Tue October 04, 2011
Airline passenger becomes distruptive and demands to be shot on learning the plane was headed to Detroit
Washington Post ranks the nation's ten best newspapers. Washington Post comes in second
Catskill man dead in car-pedestrian accident. Toonces wanted for questioning
12% of Americans blame Obama administration for U.S. economy's condition, 22% George W. Bush's administration, 16% blame Wall Street, while 15% say Congress. What do the missing 35% blame it on? (voting enabled)
France: "We kicked Libya's ass and we're coming for Syria next"
Whale suffering from gunshot wound washes ashore in Jersey. Sadly, this has nothing to do with Snooki
Woman accused of trying to poison husband with Mexican food. Lucky for him he did not eat the whole enchilada
As if you weren't already paranoid enough, now the delivery man might turn you in if you get high and order a pizza
One upside to the down economy: Drunken driving incidents have fallen 30 percent, because people can't afford to go out as much
Photoshop this face painter
County commission votes to stop fluoridating water after conservatives express concern about government medicating the public
Doritos inventor dead of nachoral causes, Tropical Storm Ophelia to screw with hamlets, and DARPA funding to bang hot aliens: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/25 - 10/1
Sesame Street to introduce new poverty-stricken muppet. I guess living in a garbage can just isn't poor enough on Sesame Street
News: After inconveniencing tons of legal citizens, Alabama's tough new immigration law finally leads to the capture of a guy from Yemen, leading supporters to brag about how effective it is. Fark: He's legal
Chinese Communist Party newspaper, Global Times: Liquidate the Philippines and Vietnam for resources in the South China Sea
Reading Is Fundamental (even road signs)
Man baffled after discovering that an unsolicited offer for a free massage from a stranger on Facebook could somehow result in sexual assault
(Some laker Guy)
Store clerk's "my bad" nets customer $25M in lottery
Photoshop Theme: Create an ad for an everyday product targeted at geeks
Farmers: "We're going to lose our farms unless you amend this law you sponsored." Politician: "Too bad"
Spearmint Rhino boss: Strip your way to a degree
Arguing that drunk driving is only a violation if you hit someone? Yeah, that'll go over well with the cops
Many women aren't sure how to feel about their breasts, and instead they try not to think about them all
Man busted for selling painkillers, excessive sweating (w/pic)
National Review recommends the Eurozone take the route Sweden used out of its financial crisis. You know, sensible, socialist Sweden
(Some Florida website)
Protip: When you are released from jail, don't try to steal any cars in the jail parking lot while you are waiting for your ride
He's finally done it. He turned the White House gay
FBI interrogator broke an al Qaeda prisoner with pizza. Presumably that deep-dish, tomato-casserole monstrosity they call Chicago-style
(Gwinnett Daily Post)
"A Cumming man has been sentenced to serve one year behind bars for peeping over women's bathroom stalls at the Suwanee public library". Well that makes sense
Apparently as the dog came in the door he failed to mention the bear following him
Once again, West Virginia drivers are the nation's most likely to prepare dinner by running it over
Women still panic about whether or not the number of sexual partners they've had is low
Wanna stay dry in Chicago? Stand under Marilyn Monroe's skirt
Police Commissioner presents figures showing 3% of population responsible for 61% of crime, unsuprisingly some people have a problem with this
Body of man missing 14 days found in car in ravine next to man missing six days in other car in ravine
Cape Cod 1948. Activationism. Grooviest cult ever
Although it usually works on Scooby-Doo, in real life it's hard to escape the cops using a trap door. "Deputies spotted McDonald in the crawl space under the house but could not coax him out"
Occupy Wall Street speaker: You've got to think for yourselves. You're ALL individuals. Crowd: YES. WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS
NJ Governor Chris Christie will not run for President, anything else
Food labels may not tell you everything, like Peeps contain pork-derived gelatin. An you do not really want to know what Castoreum is
Doing this daily could make you go blind. Don't worry men, it's not what you think
Scientists say overfishing and climate change are to blame for a 90% drop in delicious mutated, ill-tempered sea bass
Rescue search using boat and helicopter carried out after Jupiter mistaken for distress flare. Authorities excuse error, say they did not planet that way
69-year-old man died doing what he loved: getting drunk, living on a small island and stalking the Queen of England
Jersey City man arrested for wearing only sunglasses and a meat cleaver
Woman requests stripper for her 100th birthday
Police stumped as to why woman would lie about being raped by amputee (with you'd hit it pic)
(International Business Times)
First, scientists gave grandpa his boner back. Now, they're improving his ability to breakdance again
"Amanda Knox: GUILTY." Daily Mail makes slight reporting boo-boo
Breaking News: 1899: Photographs debut in newspapers
Cowabunga, dude! Hawaii seeks to approve surfing as a high school sport
A former chain-smoking orangutan adapts to new home, gaining weight
USA Today explores how to avoid paying debit card fees. Next week: How to avoid eating liver, followed by an expose on how to avoid punching yourself in the face
(Come for the decapitation)
Bill Nelson's wife was perfect. Until she ate him. Coming to a parole board in fall 2011; in widespread release, Omaima Nelson, Maneater. "Nothing tastes as good as the man man I married. It's the sauce that does it"
A look at "peer benchmarking," the driving force behind CEO pay. Or, in simpler terms, "Performance doesn't matter when you're above average like everybody else"
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Interrupt a man's fishing with a military rescue operation and you might want to watch out for bullets
Scientists back new HGH test that goes back 21 days. Prediction: next year's Olympics the first time in two decades that no Olympic records are broken
American and Russian scientists gather to hunt the Yeti, after which Scooby and those meddlesome kids will take off its mask, revealing it to be Pemba's sister Minga
If you took some time out of your drive down I-5 this morning to shoot at a patrol car, an ambulance, and two other vehicles, police would really, really like to talk to you
Hard economic times are leading to an increase in the theft of hogs and dogs. Frogs and logs still safe investments
Bohemian Rhapsody sung by a flatbed scanner
Is seeing little elves in your peripheral vision that laugh and dance normal? I'm on a conference call and they are distracting me again with their antics
Woman identifies her mother's body at the morgue, then goes home with it
Appeals court takes moot case -- the defendant already died -- just to set precedent that police can look at what's on your cell phone when they arrest you
C.W. Marketing sent letters to people asking for them to test out new electronic gizmos like iPads, which they could keep. Apparently, the 100+ fugitives didn't know "CW" stood for Central Warrant and was a sting operation
Scientists discover that people who post drunken photos of themselves on Facebook may have real-life drinking problems. Wait till they find about my bunny fetish collection
Because you may still have 30 seconds of peace and quiet here or there, Congress prepares legislation allowing political asshats to robocall your cell phone
Photoshop Theme: 5 minutes later. (Show us what happened after the in/famous image)
"The victim said something like, 'well why don't you shoot me,' and he did.'' Alcohol was involved
Farkette gamer chick wishes to raise awareness about the Extra Life charity event. Play Games. Heal Kids
Thousands of Chicagoans will now donate their body to science as soon as they're done voting
Patent trolls start to sue anyone with a WiFi router, which makes subby think we should reward them with a Dick Cheney hunting trip
If you're ever in a Swedish prison, well, first off, lucky you, but second, be advised that it is permissible to have sex therein with a baby in the room