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Sun May 29, 2011
What sort of guy would shoot a gun at a grounded airplane? *Looks at mugshot* BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Today's 18-year-old waitress beating the snot out of criminals story comes to you from Wellington, New Zealand
Photoshop this corn quality control
Restaurant owner dead after his Model A crashes. Officials cited the lack of seat belts, crumple zones, airbags, traction control, and anti-lock brakes as contributing factors
Don't put away that tinfoil hat just yet, Texas hippies
Vietnam bans police from wearing sunglasses. This is one idea that sounds... *puts on sunglasses* ... so very OH CRAP, I CAN'T COMPLETE THE JOKE, THEY'RE AFTER ME
15 things your lifeguard won't tell you. "I'll sleep with you" surprisingly absent
When Detroit police shut down their crime lab back in 2008, they left behind thousands of rounds of live ammo, evidence kits, and case files. And some people have a problem with this
The story of Anchor Brewery and the start of the U.S. microbrew resurgence
Safe playgrounds are hurting your kids. Stop thinking of the children
Report shows over a third of incoming college students need remedial help. Back in subby's day, they used to say those people weren't college material, not treat them like snowflakes and patronize them
A sheer layer of latex is allowing some Missouri strippers as well as your mom to continue to conduct business and frolic
Photoshop this banana business
Are you one of the seven types of annoying drivers? Take a look, numbskull. AND SLOW THE FARK DOWN
Gas station offering $5,000 in gas to people who trade in a firearm. What could possibly go right?
Farmer greasing pigs to keep mice from eating them turns to sugared cement to make little rodent statues
Your noisy city has loud trucks, construction equipment, people and subways. Do you c) ban street musicians from a fountain in Central Park after 100 years?
Step 1: Take down simple traffic lights and replace them with nine confusing signs. Step 2: Change the rules at different times of day. Step 3: Add one traffic camera. We all know what Step 4 is
Some French government guy resigns over sexual harassment charges. This is not a repeat from two weeks ago. Blah blah blah France surrenders blah blah penis
Victoria Secret model (with pics) talks about how when she was young she was bullied or something, I don't know I was too busy looking at her legs
NC church fined $4,000 for A) running an illegal bingo game, B) serving food without food handler's permit, or C) excessive tree branch pruning
(Some Hot Dog Loving Guy)
Hot dog Grilling season officially starts Monday. No matter how you like you like them cooked, the age old question still remains - why do most hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
Because shotgun pellets hurt
Does having 39 tags to choose from make a Farker more selfish? SHUTUP, I SAW THIS ARTICLE FIRST. IT'S M I N E, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT
Guy run down by Ford Taurus after stealing handsoap & lotion bottles from dollar store; mess with the Dial, you get the horns
"Sausage fan has therapy to break his addiction to the bangers." Even Rule #34 takes a step back
Washington State bus carrying soccer fans crashes and kills two, all because it ROOOOOOOOOooooooooolleddddd
The animals exciting scientists this year: The Darwin's bark spider, the iron-eating bacterium, and the leech found in a woman's nose
When you've just driven drunk straight through someone's house, running over one family member and flinging another, do you c) offer to help them find their kids for $1,000?
Model and friend party in Atlanta hotel until they have a major falling out
ATM repairman steals 200K by replacing cash with photocopied bills. Maybe no one will notice
(Some Sleepy Guy)
If you regularly hit the snooze button and go back to sleep, you're not alone. And you're probably fat
People are much more civilized in New Zealand than in America when they find a venomous spider in their pizza
(Some Guy With Rats)
Not news: Woman brings service dog wherever she goes. News: City passes ruling to allow woman to use a different animal. Fark: Her service rat. Bonus: Video of boggling rat
Fins, floor mats and wobblers are the current weapons in the fight against zombies in the supermarket
Did Weiner tweet a a picture of his wiener?
The number of US drivers unfit to be on the roads: a) 370,000 b) 3,700,000 c) 37,000,000
Photoshop this daring rescue
Can't control the flow of information into your country? Just uplug the Internet and create your own
Why med school should be free
Pilot blacks out for 55 minutes, plane continues on autopilot out to sea. He must have had the fish
And now for something completely different: Japan's Nuclear Super Typhoon
Mmmmmm, ice-cold real life Duff beer *drool*
Britain's richest woman worth £6.8 billion, SMOKING HOT (w/pic)
Not News: Planes takeoff delayed by 7 hours. News: Passengers stage a revolt and take over the plane. Fark: No one is arrested and the plane completes its flight
Sat May 28, 2011
Leave it to Denny's to make bacon and ice cream unappetizing
Meet Ernestine Williams, a sweet little 74-year-old lady who could pick you up and break you over her knee. Yes, even you, tubby
Photoshop this hurley holder
Even after 80 years there's nary a creature alive that can outrun a greased Flying Scotsman
The six most badass airline pilots to ever stare down death
Arlington Cemetery: Hallowed Ground. It's not dusty in here, those are justifiable tears
Colorado Bigfoot-hunter on why no concrete evidence has ever been found: "The creatures are coming through a wormhole, an intergalactic travel portal from one galaxy to another"
World's most popular religious book may not have been written by "the Big Guy," new research shows
(Naples Daily News)
Not news: Dog bites woman. News: Woman bites woman. Fark: Over the dog. Florida tag probably unnecessary. (w/bonus You'd hit it mugshot)
FBI offers $50,000 reward for "The Wheaton Bandit". Speaking of which, anyone seen Wil lately?
Last surviving Austrian who hid Jews honored
Photoshop this ash wiper
Dutch government to ban tourists from cannabis shops, your Mom
There are the precious snowflakes who spend their time getting fat and improving their texting skills. Then there is this kid
Vegetables are for sissies. This Memorial Day Weekend, grill up some dude food
Police say Florida drivers are downing more liquor than usual. Apparently this is news to anyone who has never driven in Florida
Woman gets charged with misdemeanor buttery
Pastor figures out no why one likes Christians anymore
Pull over for DUI, man asks to speak with lawyer. You bet that's a taserin' and now a lawsuit to boot
Condoms in my porn? It's more likely than you think
Nuclear power plant in the heart of "Tornado Alley" turns out to not be as twister-proof as planned. What could possibly go wrong?
NATO stages a rare daytime air strike on Tripoli. At this point, isn't this pretty much like egging your neighbor's house when they're out of town?
People tend to become happier when they turn seventy five, they just don't remember why
Why ARE so many female teachers having affairs with their teenage students... and is the 'cougar effect' to blame?
Your commute is killing you. But at least you have a big house, which must be kind of nice
"Small signs suggest waning support for Gadhafi." Like all those bombers and the thousands of Libyans who have led an armed rebellion against him for the past two months? Those small signs?
The Weber Grills grilling hotline is staffed almost exclusively by women. "You might want to grab a beer - and just listen for a while." mmmmmm
It turns out that the "Grandma Bandit" was really a man, and his name really was Roxanne
The coolest pictures of the Swedish subway system you will see today
Just in time for Caturday: Captionshop any of the kittehs from this week's Catography thread. LGT thread
In an effort to better reflect America, the US is ditching the Food Pyramid and replacing it with the Food Plate. A round, brittle serving dish full of vittles
Teacher gives lesson about clownfish to help promote tolerance towards transgendered people. Some people have a problem with this
Photoshop these board gamers (with prize sponsored by Neatorama)
If your wedding is held at a campground outside of a NASCAR track on race weekend, your bride is wearing a dress from a souvenir shop and you ride around on a decorated golf cart, you might be a redneck
Samuel Adams creates a lager to be consumed specifically while eating sirloin. "Beer is deserving a place at the table if you're having a good meal"
How not to pick up a woman in one step. Also, how to never fly again and be watched by the Feds
Yeah, viewing a mouse is cool and all, but have you ever viewed a mouse... ON FLUORESCENT NANOTUBES?
Moment of Impact: the amazing photography of Alan Sailer
Man hobby: Building an airplane from a parts kit in your basement. Man problem: Uh-oh...plane is too large to get out once completed. Man Solution: Knock down a wall, and drag it out with chains and a truck. BOO-YAH
In less than a month, Rahm Emanuel has rid Chicago of all crime, allowing police to crack down on illegal lighters
The framers that voted for the Fifth Amendment protecting us from self-incrimination really never considered how easy self-incrimination would be if you had a sick beat and YouTube
Photoshop theme: a new form of transportation
Fri May 27, 2011
Well, this explains why car insurance in Florida, California and Hawaii is so high
Woman wins $1 million Lotto jackpot after atheist son prays for prize. Post hoc ergo propter hoc manifesto
Attack of the Killer Cukes
Japan finds the time to donate $120,000, blankets, tarps and cleaning robots to the victims of the Alabama tornado
"Rock burglar" is in a world of schist
Hockey stick birthday spankings might have been okay back in your day Mr. principal, but these days each child comes from the factory with this new fangled post-traumatic stress disorder
Unemployed woman calls lawmaker's bluff that she wouldn't do his yard work. Really, nobody wins here
Four high school students arrested after food fight turns into real fight
Photoshop this possessed pumpkin
So he's coming home from Iraq? Big deal. That's his little daughter? Well, that's pretty cool. That's the little daughter he's seeing for the FIRST TIME? OK ... sorry. Something seriously huge in my eye
"WTF Japan?" of the day
I scream, you scream, the cops scream when two feuding ice cream men try to run each other off the road
Not News: Back in 2003, a pizza delivery man from Erie, PA was killed when he forcibly had a bomb strapped around his neck and was instructed to rob a bank. Fark: A lighthearted comedy based on the event is set to open in theaters in August
Organic and free-range meats weren't enough. Now, foodies have a new overpriced option: DNA traceable meat
The National Park Service would like to remind you that your chances of being mauled to death by a grizzly at Yellowstone have gone way down in the last century; but that a small chance is still a chance
How much would you be willing to pay to get kids to "Sit Still" in kindergarten class? Apparently $500 million
Walmart shoplifter asked for receipt, goes nuts: Causes $1000 in damage; arrested for theft, assault and battery, marijuana possession. Guess which state. Go ahead, guess
Air France jet plunged at 11,000 feet per minute. Oh, don't read this if you're about to board a plane. Shoot. Meant to say that part first
Respect thy moose, lest ye suffer nasti bytes
(Wisconsin State Journal)
What do you mean, 'all this rhetoric against Planned Parenthood might spur people to violence?'
Before: Tornado sirens go off at the sign of a little bit of rain. After: County relaxes standards by which sirens go off. You Can See This Coming: Sirens don't go off and actual tornado hits
TV news crew hanging out at crash scene after everyone left find suitcase full of killer weed. Camera man cries as anchor calls police to report what they were reporting, LIVE at 6
It's Friday, and you know what that means. Okay yes, pizza for dinner, but also the weekly Fark Weird News Quiz
Artist creates perfume out of urine, to be called "Eau de Toilet"
Happy birthday to the late, great Vincent Price. So here is the master of horror wearng a toga and asking bachelors questions on "The Dating Game"
Free to a good home. Evil Bob is a 10 yr. old border collie. He looks older than his years, has wonky teeth, bad breath and a bad attitude. He is terrified of cats, snaps at horses' heels and nips pigs
The police officer/exotic dancer did not dance for the mayor and get into a sexy, sexy catfight with the mayor's wife...allegedly
Headlines that will haunt you: Mark Zuckerberg Kills His Own Meat
That US Marine killed by 60 bullets fired by the SWAT team performing a drug raid on his house? Yeah, turns out he didn't fire first like the officers first said. Actually, he didn't fire at all. Oops, our bad
Comparison of frequent flyer miles programs. Chart/Story to the left, my-airline's-best fight devolving into a hot stewardess thread to the right
Historic Miami Herald newspaper building sold to Malaysian company, who plans to turn it into sweatshop with overworked, underpaid laborers... oh, wait
Good news: orgies are growing in popularity. Bad news: corporate orgies. Worst news: German corporate orgies
ACLU actually takes a stand for a good cause, offers free representation for finger giving motorist
Young people would rather lose their sense of smell than lose their online social networks. Well, who needs to smell people on Facebook anyway?
Car carrying $1M coin collection rolls over and crashes, dumping entire load across highway -- resulting in unexpected lane change
91-year-old woman busted by feds for selling suicide helium kits speaks out in a really high-squeeky voice
"I used to play with a bear as a kid, so don't get me wrong I'm not a bear hater. I just don't like what they're doing here"
"In the back of a gritty-looking gas station, unleaded goes for $3.94 a gallon and the yellowfin tuna steak - dressed with red onions, raisins and caper mayonnaise and tucked into a warm homemade brioche - will set you back $8.50"
Photoshop this girl and her frog
...and finally tonight I'd like to make a toast to the Maid of Honor: May she be able to post bail by morning
Runaway Prius crashes into mini-mall, trapping woman. After investigation, authorities recommend battery charge
House for sale: big, spacious--oh, and three people have been killed here including two different previous owners. Nothing to worry about, though, it's not like it's cursed
Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies. No, that's the actual headline used
Top five reasons you can't concentr
Long Island Power Authority (LIPA) will proudly honor fallen heroes at Memorial Day parade by charging organizers a usage fee to hang American flags on their poles
If you find yourself being directed by "Spirits" to strip naked and hang out by a police station, don't do it. Those spirits do not have your best interests in mind
John Walker Lindh's father says that since bin Laden is dead, there's no reason to keep Lindh in prison and insists his son has paid for his crimes. Naturally, someone has a problem with this
How FEMA got its groove back
High school cheerleaders slapped with hot dogs, squirted on. Sounds hot until you get to the diaper part
Have you ever had that dream where you're only wearing underwear and everyone standing around you is clothed? And you're in a hospital. And you have severe burns from a meth lab mishap. And you're not really dreaming
Little Mikey brings home a stray kitty... with a REALLY long tail
Photoshop this captain and his teenage companion
Today's teacher sex scandal is brought to you by Fulton, Il and a twenty-sOHGODMYEYES KILL IT WITH FIRE
One of those cool slidey picture things of Joplin before and after
Thu May 26, 2011
Tying up naked children to a desk and beating them with a paddle is no way to go through life, officer
Three 15 year old high school boys stand up to gang members trying to abduct a 12 year old girl in broad daylight... and win
Want to help out the young victims of the Joplin tornado? Well, this comic book shop would like you to donate comic books they can distribute to the kids
Dog with two broken legs finds owner after storm. Your dog wants a tissue
All your bibles are belong to us
Man wearing only olive oil busted for sunbathing naked in Indiana. Say to cops, "I'm from New York. Can't I do this here?"
Indian government orders Axe ads off television for showing women as "lustily hankering after" men who use deodorant
Shoot a robber once in the head while he's knocking over your pharmacy? You're a hero. Empty the rest of your revolver into him while he's lying helpless? Then the jury is going to convict you of murder 1
(Some Angry Guy)
Guy eviscerates Time Warner Cable with a full page newspaper ad. I've got nothing else. Just read it and smile
Two different bug exterminating companies release their list of worst cities for bedbugs. One thing is certain: You really can't sleep soundly in Cincinnati
Sneak preview of Fark's redesign - launching June 1
Think your country's priorities are misplaced? Go pick somewhere else to live. No seriously, pick. We have charts and everything
Working moms: You get shorter working days, weekends and public holidays off, breastfeeding breaks and can work from home. Men, childless workers and parents of older children: Suck it
Avian scientists say some birds are turning up with both male and female characteristics. Clearly they're not studying cocks or boobies
Correct use of the Hero tag: Wife talks about moment husband gave his life to save her during tornado
Either we all really did miss the rapture, or this is the greatest real life trolling attempt in recent memory
Caption this tuxedoed dude trying his luck with the ladies
How to grill the perfect burger
Woman arrested for biting jerky in store, released after promising to bite smooth in future
Man sues for $15K in damages after being injured by rose thorn. That must be some prick
Rockies: 12, Diamondbacks: 4, Darwin: 1
Mother says police shouldn't have killed her teenage son. Just because he had five prior arrests. And he was pointing a gun at police
New Indian censor board chief named; Chief Minister Dik████ said to be pleased
Photoshop this warming welcome
If you guessed "2" for the number of days it would take after the Supreme Court ruling for California to start accidentally releasing violent criminals, come collect your Kevlar prize
City rejects a colon cancer awareness billboard campaign with the message, "What's up your butt?"
Thieves steal $10k in hair extensions and didn't weave any clues behind
What is proper compensation for the six deaths on Papua New Guinea's "Death Trap" road? If you guessed cash and a menagerie, please step forward to claim your goat
New SeaWorld Shamu show to debut without trainers. Doesn't that just defeat the porpoise?
The best Oprah emails...sent to web browser developer 'Opera'
This summer, a 61-year-old long-distance swimmer will try to finish a Cuba-to-Florida swim that she started 32 years ago in her attempt to break the record for "World's Pruniest Woman"
Kendrick Stoner arrested for drug possession. His buddy Alvin ChildMolester should probably lay low
Literature as a mathematic equation, by Kurt Vonnegut
Philip Morris Inc buys rights to technology that lets users inhale nicotine without smoking. What could they possibly want with th-- oh
Want to hear your favorite song on the radio? That will be one pint of blood, please
Night club loses its lick-her license
Pope shuts down ex-lap dancing nun's monastery. Old habits die hard
Naked man drives dump truck into home, assaults homeowner. Revenge is a dish best served drunk
Two bit by shark off Hawaii beach. Would have been three, but the Fonz managed to jump clear
NYPD cop accused of raping a drunk woman while in uniform was only "snuggling" with her. Four times. While wearing a condom
Ottawa high school student fails shop class
232 officially missing from Joplin tornado
After enjoying a quiet evening outside their trailer, roommates feud with a machete and cinder block after one is told he was getting evicted. Of course this happened in Florida
Mullet Bandit robs banks across Ohio. Flees to Alabama where he blends in
New 'leftover themed' eatery will buy your leftovers and re-sell them. Even more puzzling - do their lights stay on when the doors are closed?
"Ancient sea monsters not to be messed with." Advice we can all benefit from in times like these
Deputy chief of staff under President George W. Bush moves seamlessly from warrantless wiretaps to lobbying for Facebook on 'privacy.'
Iowa bar busted for illegal gambling. You'll never guess what it was for though
Disney generously decides to let the Navy have the trademark for "Seal Team 6"
"A new poll suggests that Texans have different priorities than the rest of the country" according to the Romero Institute
"Psst. You. At the gas pump. I'm a Best Buy manager. If you give me some money I can go in and get you a great deal on stuff"
Oh.................... god.................... oh................... god..................... don't.................... stop................... oh................... baby.................... do..................... me................... hard
Jet ski thief killed by 14-year-old with shotgun; earns nod of approval from a hobo
Dad to teenage daughter: okay honey, that's it, you're grounded and I'm taking away your cell phone Daughter to dad: ARROWED
Priest serving in diocese of the Pope's pedophilia advisor has been arrested for pedophilia
Budget woes put astronomers in dire financial straits. Who will make our horoscopes now?
Since Joplin hasn't suffered enough, here comes Fred Phelps
YouTube star sucked through sunroof by tornado. Finally, something we'd all love to see, but the cameras weren't rolling
Cry havoc and adopt the dogs of war
Man breaks leg driving into tree while being attacked by a goose -- at least that's what he told his wife
Suspect: I haven't had anything to drink officer. Police: Sir, did you notice you have urinated all over your pants?
School committee member forced to resign after blogging that union president could "kiss my white Irish ass"
Remember when you got out of jail after 17 years for a crime you didn't commit? Not so fast
Dog jumps onto his owner's shoulder, resulting in the wildest car ride either has ever experienced
"They also accused his wife of turning into a snail and terrorising the community"
Crazy person infiltrates the Willis Tower. Say, this reminds me of the time I tried to convince Drew he was up for an Oscar for his role in "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell"
(Some Big-breasted woman)
Today's Fark-ready headline: "Big-breasted woman at Chicago trial spurs objection"
Let's be honest here - if you spend one trillion dollars on a new jet fighter fleet, you're going to find a way to use it. A lot
Journalists are now flying to Libya so that they can report on the armed conflict using Skype, Twitter and Google. There may be a wasted step here
Gulf fisherman finding lesions and parasitic boils on red snappers. Sure, but what about the fish they catch?
The evening started so well. A woman with 'real big thighs.' A drive to a motel. Cocktails. Little did he know he'd wind up without pants filing a police report about a Dodge Avenger
Prison psychiatrist sued for freudian slipping it to inmates, having a gigantic super ego
Study finds kids don't enjoy violent cartoons as much as previously thought. Tom, Itchy, Wile E. Coyote all breathe sigh of relief
The good news: Free land is up for grabs. Bad news: It's in Arkansas
Serbian war criminal Ratko Mladic arrested; will be tried at the UN war-crimes court where it will be determined that the whole mess is Israel's fault
The top 10 real-life modern ninja stories, most of which are full of fail
Osama's wife, Amal, may have ratted him out to the US. And you thought your wife was upset when she found your porn stash
Judge to wife: "Stop hitting yourself." *punch* "Stop hitting yourself." *punch* "Stop hitting yourself." *punch*
I have a list of secret government code names, but if I showed you... I'd have to kill you
Solution to global warming: Start clear-cutting the world's forest
Not news: Two drunks arrested after bar fight. News: Mother & son arrested after bar fight. Fark: Both were cops
Photoshop this sculpture being scrutinised
There's a Secret Patriot Act that allows the Feds to do anything, and not tell you. The more you know
$100,000 scholarship to not go to college, now that's change we can believe in
Elizabeth Smart gets the final word
They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck ... Van Wike ... Fon Weig ... Eh, fark it. I'll take Woodhaven Bvld so that numbskull can catch a plane for Seattle
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 316: "Puddytats 2: I Did! I Did See a Puddytat!" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed May 25, 2011
U.S. Transportation Secretary shows up in huge SUV to unveil new fuel economy stickers
Semi carrying rubbing alcohol overturns; accident cleans itself up
"There's never a need for a Pap smear at 30,000 feet." And other tales of emergency medicine on flights
Udder pandemonium reigns when dairy queen reveals she's lactose intolerant
Good start to the day: grabbing your newspaper off the porch and making some coffee. Bad followup: having the cops call to tell you not to do that again, because they need to shoot the mountain lion sleeping on said porch
Tornadoes spotted near Bono, Arkansas. The Edge on edge. This is your Wednesday stormwatch thread. Stay safe, everybody
Not news: Overly demanding tennis parent. Fark: Overly demanding special olympics tennis parent
Dozens of Florida schools lack art, music teachers. Probably because of mandatory drug testing requirements
Shelter dog that lost foot gets the chance to walk on all fours again. HE CAN MAKE IT ON HIS OWN 'CAUSE HE'S GOT THE HEART OF A CHAMPION
MSNBC yeller Ed Schultz is likely done after calling a radio host a "right wing slut"
Men burglarizing house collect all of the guns--except for one
Six things nobody tells you about owning a motorcycle
Photoshope this olde towne square
Feds: If you try to stop the TSA from touching your junk, Texas will become a no-fly zone
As if cicadas weren't annoying enough as it is, their hisses could be dangerous to your hearing
It can be stressful doing time in a Mexican jail. But the beer, vodka, tequila, heroin, and billiard tables help
Arizona shooter Jared Loughner found not competent to stand trial. I'm just as surprised as you are
Powertools recalled due to spillage potential. Your mom unavailable for comment
It says a lot about our society when a school has to remind parents to show some decency and not show up at their kids' bus stop wearing pyjamas
ROFLMFAO, no, really
Obama says the US-UK relationship is enduring, as evidenced by the American media's week-long jerk-off session with the royal wedding
After solving the riddle for cats, scientists have finally figured out the next greatest mystery plaguing mankind: how dogs drink water
Horse turned away from McDonald's drive thru. Later accepted at the Deliveries door
"There's an ugly-ass baby owl on my bike"
GPS treasure hunter is able to remember his exact coordinates and give them to rescuers after a boulder crushes him. But he can't remember his age
CDC releases report on measles outbreaks. In case you wondered how hard the U.S. got trolled by Jenny McCarthy
"Hey, Twitchy. What, you got ants in your pants?" "No, caffeine and shea butter." "Oh, I see......wait, what?"
News: school cop who had been reprimanded 12 times and suspended four shoots and kills unarmed student. Fark: he's still employed
Every minute, 48 hours of video are uploaded to Youtube, 47.7 of those hours being 13-year-old girls lip-syncing to Lady Gaga songs
The city of Austin is cancelling a theater in the park showing of Napoleon Dynamite after the Mayor's Committee for People with Disabilities complained about an offensive word. That's just f*cking retarded
Writer opines that "Journalism Degree Most Useless". Irony tag explodes upon contact
The moral here is that false morels are dangerous morels
Babysitter busted for feeding three kids toast covered with I Can't Believe It's Not Oregano
Man's wife calls 911 after he finds an overly aggressive cougar in the garage
Government IT guys: "To the cloud...whatever that means"
Hand-wringers warn computer games and cell phones put children at risk for joint pain
(Some Farm Guy)
In response to numerous tapes of animals being abused and mistreated at farms being leaked to the media, Iowa is finally going to criminalize this outrageous practice (of secretly recording animal abuse)
(Just a Rash)
For those of you who want a little head, the Patron Saint of Genital Disease's head is for sale. Cool tag because there isn't an itchy and inflamed tag
Getting caught in a speed trap can raise your car insurance rate up 53%
(I'll tumble for ya)
Fleeing escapee catches some static from police who find him hiding in a dryer
How many points are a '96 Cadillac, a '10 Explorer, one other vehicle, a utility pole, a speed limit sign, two parking signs, a tree, and a house worth?
The case-please hear me out-against the em dash
Teachers losing their jobs? Check. Budget slashed? Check. Overcrowded classrooms with little or no teaching supplies? Check. New iPads for school administrators? Check. Wait, what?
Alaska seeks more ▇▇▇ to ▇▇▇▇▇ Palin's emails, get more Sharpies
FEMA declares its newest disaster area: Eric Cantor
If you're going to rob someone, make sure their 15 armed and angry family members arean't within shouting distance. Hospitalarity ensues
What do you do when you're in a space suit 220 miles up, on a space walk, and something gets in your eye? "Oh, boy"
Police: "What? He's accidentally smashed your greenhouse window?" Woman: "Yes" Police: Dispatch the chopper
Park's new "Dinosaurs Alive" exhibit opens early as "Dinosaur Afire"
Today's "dentist arrested after getting into fisticuffs with an 87-year-old woman over painful dentures" story brought to you by Deltona
Family member asks New York Times to correct to guy's obituary. NYT does some fact checking and issues the corrections, 112 years after it was first published
Woman answers online job ad and gets sexually assaulted. Gets hired and sexually assaulted a second time and finally goes to the police
Grimsvotn volcano in Iceland stops spewing ash, wants to cuddle
(Mohave Daily News)
"Yes, I am farked up," said the $190,000-a-year City Attorney who crashed her Lexus after downing a liter and a half of Chardonnay
Skate and/or Die
Mexican tanks: From an American company, assembled in Canada (with pic of what a Mexican tank might look like)
Beauty pageant's "Miss Personality" loses her title after politicians find out it doesn't mean she'll sleep with them
Fire at funeral home leaves dozens dead
Promising new Alzheimer's drug goes for major clinical trial, patients divided into three groups: test group, control group, and "forgot to take my pills" group
(Plank you very much)
If you are wondering why people everywhere are randomly laying prone in odd places, today is "National Planking Day." LGT gallery of cute chicks planking their way around Tampa
Photoshop these workers working their way up
Vuvuzelas discovered to not only annoy large amounts of people, but also spread germs to a large numBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT
Surprisingly the facial hair game is not very lucrative
'Brass nipple'. 'Compressed air'. 'Pierced the flesh of his left buttock'. You do the math
Photoshop this frisbee fanatic
Woman splits on her 9-month old son, leaving him alone to go bowling. If her life wasn't in the gutter before it's about to be
Woman spearheading attempt to get all clowns licenced. Because if anyone knows funny, it's the government
I scream, you scream, we all scream, especially the man selling the ice cream
More than 200 concerned citizens pack a city council meeting in Cordova, Alabama. The issue: A proposed ban on single-wide trailers
Tue May 24, 2011
It's a sure sign of spring when the waters of New York's harbor and rivers begin to warm and bodies start floating to the surface
Ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn's pals try to buy off the accusing maid's impoverished family in West Africa to make the case go away, and it looks like they just may succeed
Group trashes Dunkin' Donuts. This never would have happened under the watchful eye of Fred the Baker
19-year-old survives 90-foot fall. The sunbed is there
Duggar family helps victims of Joplin tornados, plans on offering a few of their children and grandchildren as replacements to families that lost loved ones
Charges dismissed. You are free to go (to prison for five years)
Woman attacked by man with swim noodle after an incident involving a rotten watermelon. Just another day in Florida
Texas police officer caught cheating at Rock, Paper, Scissors
Woman pleads guilty to feeding her 7-year-old daughter chicken. That's outrageo... chicken heart? Well, many cultures value animal parts that we don't normally... raw, from a bloody, ritual sacrifice... eff that, I'm outta here
Chickity farmer of Chinese chicken, gives 'em all specs so the hens keep kicking
Census data tells college students what their majors are worth; arts majors find the report melancholy, head out to Starbucks for another latte
Hey, ump: When you track down and beat up the guy who stole your iPhone, make sure you didn't actually leave it in the snack shack
The Empire is one of the most dangerous places to be a pedestrian, stormtrooper
Man steals condoms. This is where the rubber meets the rude
In 2006 a big chunk of concrete fell from Big Dig ceiling. In 2010, a big chunk of aluminum. In 2011, a big chunk of foam. I suppose that's progress
Photoshop this surveyor
WHO drafts plan to make sure the kids are alright
FBI recovers stolen rare Ferrari F50, kept it for an "ongoing investigation" then took it for a "short ride" and wrecked it. Now they refuse to pay for damages. Ta Da
Twitter helps woman get her stolen bike back, thanks to just under 140 characters
"Dear FBI, I have a master plan to have Barack Obama killed and this plan is fool proof. Love, Inmate #7644-567"
This is nothing to yolk about. 15-year-old girl in critical condition after scrambling to leave after egging a house
God hates Oklahoma: 1/2 mile wide tornado just crossed I-40 near El Reno
"Casey Anthony didn't kill her daughter Caylee with duct-tape and throw her in the woods... she uhh..uh... DROWNED...yeah, that's the ticket"
Good news: Over the past 3 years, only 191 dead people have gotten replacement Social Security cards
Drilling near nuclear site fails to get glowing response
Your partypooper article of the day: Slate columnist thinks watching movies in the park is lame
News: Teacher arrested for helping students get high. Fark: With chloroform
Best excuse for refusing the "walk a straight line" field sobriety test: a.) I'm on cold medication. b.) Hell, I couldn't do that if I was sober. c). I have a prosthetic leg
Woman tries to sell daughter's virginity for $10k. In subby's day, all it took was a couple beers
The economy is improving, if you base it on wine sales at Morton's Steakhouse in San Antonio
Cooked sheep meat in red gravy confiscated from Ethiopian traveler at Dulles Airport, even though he did bring enough for everybody
And now, the story of a 45-year-old woman who had her brain reformatted when she was twenty two
Some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/15 - 5/21
A Danish with Marmite or Vegemite is now illegal, as it should be
When you see the phrases "snake hunt" and "went horribly wrong" in the same story, you know you're in for quite a ride
Tennis players don't like playing with French balls
Kids target Dr. Robotnik's ban on hedgehogs
Actual headline: "Drunk parrots acting up and falling out of the sky in Australia (again)"
Quick-release asprin on sale today, quick-release ulcer study tomorrow
These dogs probably have nicer homes than you
Sissy, a blind 15-year-old quarter horse, has a new home at the Deer Haven Ranch animal shelter, but she came with a lot of baggage - five goats and five sheep - because they take care of her and feed her
Chinese dog nurses ugly ass baby ligers after mom refuses. You read that right
Men, are the happy go-lucky type? Always smiling? Cheerful? Well, you're going to single forever and women don't find you attractive
High school student charged with felony after putting staples in teacher's coffee. That was easy
Behold the power of Fark: Appeal to help college kids rescue animals puts them in the running for $500,000 grant. Thank you (and vote if you haven't). DIT, LGT original thread
Animal rights groups outraged after South Korea allows fur in Fendi fashion show, raising the question as to whether animals have Seouls
The first rule of Prayer Group Fight Club is you do not talk about Prayer Group Fight Club
One dead, one critical after police dog the bounty hunters
The newest police tool for taping searches - sunglasses cameras. Guess they want to try and record any....shady behavior. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH
Man assaults girlfriend after she ridicules size of his penis. Too bad she wasn't able to beat him off
Ford develops car seats that could provide warnings before a driver has a heart attack. OOOHHHH YEEEEAAH
Arizona plans border fence, requests more money since they already went broke purchasing boot straps
Popeye's manager gladly makes the news on Tuesday for fondling underage employees today
Washington Post article explores the reason we're having so many devastating F4 and F5 tornadoes this year; makes it 11 paragraphs before mentioning "climate change"
Harold Camping may not be doing God's work, but he's certainly helping out Darwin
Police officer finds missing Connecticut girl attached to the foot lodged in his groin
If you own a billboard in Dayton, Ohio available for rent, and don't mind microwaved babies, please call PETA
Some people write extensive resumes, and some people write this
When shooting an AR-15 rifle, make sure the target isn't in your bedroom closet. That way, if you miss you won't blow holes in the washing machine, flood your house and have to explain your drunk self to the cops
Scientists propose installing an equatorial trench around our moon. Hopefully a one meter exhaust port will not be included
Ihr Hund wünscht Steak
Photoshop these free spirits
Fox News takes a fair and balanced look at whether freedom-loving 'mericans should be forced to send untold billions of Freedom Dollars to mooslem ter'rist countries
Man stages topless protest to demand his parrot back after officials took it away from him because he filmed the bird grasping to his windshield wipers as he drove down the highway. This happened in Australia, the Florida of continents
KY Pastor accused of having sex with young girl from his church. Astroglide Priest unavailable for comment
I always knew the machines would come for us, but never did I think a lawnmower would be the first to strike
Armed robbery of Radio Shack yields $23.57, 3 cordless phones, 20 feet of speaker wire, a handful of BNC connectors and an undisclosed number of 9 volt batteries
Two men involved in donut shop stabbing arrested by police using cruller ID
It's a simple question, really. Would you hunt a wild boar using only a handmade spear?
Woman rips a man's shirt off , tries to hit him in the head with a shovel, and throws a cup at him. We're all grieving Randy Savage's death differently
Personal photos from a man who lives less than six blocks from where the Missouri tornado hit hardest
Man gets 60 days in jail for having a sh*t eating grin
Old & busted: Super-sizing. New hotness: Mini-sizing
Mark Kelly doesn't always pilot the space shuttle 5 months after his US Representative wife is shot in the head in a mass shooting, but when he does, he gets on his space-phone and calls up the classmates of shooting victim Christina Green
No matter how much you hate your job, just be glad your boss hasn't forced you to wear a flea collar. Yet
"Intoxicated woman caught trying to get inside stranger's husband"
Ash to cancel up to 500 flights. There's an Evil Dead joke in there somewhere
Is anti-white bias a problem?
Joplin High School seniors went from graduation into the teeth of a tornado. And your graduate worries about the job market
DC's five-month-old National Pinball Museum will go tilts up in July