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Sun May 22, 2011
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(AJC) Dumbass Man steals ambulance, gets to ride in police car at no extra charge  (ajc.com) (23)
(ABC Eyewitness News) Asinine Attention NYC smokers, you have until midnight before the only place you can smoke is under your bed with the lights off  (abclocal.go.com) (682)
(KMBC.com) Scary Tornado hits Joplin, Missouri; hospital damaged. Dick move, God. Dick move  (kmbc.com) (1118)
(The Morning Call) Silly Competitive eating champion Joey Chestnut chews up and spits out cheesesteak eater called "The Notorious B.O.B." Tag is because Fark doesn't have a Cheesy tag  (mcall.com) (61)
(Some Guy) Weird Judge sentences couple to handing out water safety brochures at festival, while standing in kiddy pool, wearing life jackets. Then it gets weird  (kgw.com) (65)
(Some False Positive) Spiffy What Farkers have been waiting for...I give you, the hand sanitizer defense  (gainesville.com) (50)
(Your Mom) Interesting Who knew "switching underwear styles" is a sign a boy plans to hook up? Well, now your mother for one  (christwire.org) (167)
(MSNBC) Spiffy The NYC Public Library turns 100. No human being would stack books like this  (msnbc.msn.com) (94)
(CBS Local) Obvious Parents in New Jersey feel that homework ain't got no friggin' class  (newyork.cbslocal.com) (158)
(Sir Loin of Beef) Sad Chicago Fark Party cow tipping prank goes awry  (myfoxchicago.com) (124)
(WLSAM) Unlikely 100 year old codger won't sell his land for airport that doesn't exist  (wlsam.com) (143)
(NPR) Spiffy NPR reports on the Miss Shrimp Festival, Miss Shrimp Pageant, Miss Shrimp Ceremony, Miss Shrimp Party, Miss Shrimp Gala, Miss Shrimp Carnival, Miss Shrimp Fair, Miss Shrimp Parade, Miss Shrimp Ball, Miss Shrimp Reception  (npr.org) (61)
(Some Egg Farmer) Cool The coolest carved eggshell photos you will see today  (theeggshellsculptor.com) (32)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this juggling troupe not drawing a crowd  (4.bp.blogspot.com) (27)
(Chicago Tribune) Sad Missing model car pulled from the murky Chicago River. This is a tragedy on a 1:25th scale  (chicagobreakingnews.com) (79)
(Huffington Post) Obvious You sound fat. So do your friends  (huffingtonpost.com) (80)
(Some County Mountie) Fail The undisputed king of bad timing (Hint: check the dates)  (hamiltoncountyjails.info) (177)
(NBC Chicago) Misc If you're wondering why God isn't answering your prayers, it's probably because he's too busy putting images of Darth Vader onto the back of turtles  (nbcchicago.com) (80)
(Daily Mail) Scary Scores of police -- backed up by a helicopter -- are dispatched to capture an escaped tiger on a golf course  (dailymail.co.uk) (54)
(Yahoo) Amusing Meanwhile, in Canada...an angry beaver terrorizes an entire town  (ca.news.yahoo.com) (110)
(CNN) News Western envoys trapped in an embassy in Yemen, under siege by armed locals angry about them meddling in their country's affairs. This is not a repeat from the Boxer Rebellion  (cnn.com) (79)
(Philly) Followup The FDA spent months investigating the sordid undergound of Amish raw milk smugglers. Yeah, really  (philly.com) (199)
(Guardian.com) Interesting Won't someone think of the poor bunnies? (with awwww inducing pic)  (guardian.co.uk) (81)
(Guardian.com) Interesting "It was known as the Whisper, though those close to the Lord often referred to it as Miss Thornton in her nightie"  (guardian.co.uk) (20)
(MLive.com) Obvious Teenager jumps into river to celebrate the world not ending. Sad and Ironic duke it out viciously while Obvious sneaks in for the win  (mlive.com) (81)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Interesting A drink made from decomposing vegetable matter? What kind of swill would that produce?  (suntimes.com) (58)
(Huffington Post) Obvious French women upset at the misogynistic support Stauss-Kahn is getting from the French public. Then they remembered they lived in France  (huffingtonpost.com) (159)
(LA Times) Obvious Been thinking about getting that sweet new ride? Well, you should only do it now if you like spending extra money because you have the patience of a hyperactive three year old  (latimes.com) (120)
(Time Out Chicago) Silly Artisanal doughnut hole-in-the-wall becomes Chicago sensation, with local eaterati standing 50-deep in line for 56 minutes to buy $3 glazed five-star confection  (timeoutchicago.com) (112)
(KTLA) Weird I said, VIAGRA CAN MAKE YOU GO DEAF  (ktla.com) (63)
(Telegraph) Amusing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accuses Europe of stealing rain clouds to keep Iran in a drought.....just before it starts to rain  (telegraph.co.uk) (101)
(Cleveland Plain Dealer) Obvious Police are outraged that traffic has become faster and safer since the Ohio Turnpike speed limit increased  (cleveland.com) (161)
(Some Tardigrades) Photoshop Photoshop this moss piglet  (4.bp.blogspot.com) (38)
(Boston Herald) Stupid Family of 9/11 victim still trying to bring real killer to justice  (bostonherald.com) (150)
(Times of Oman) News About that selah to Saleh... um, not so fast there, Skippy McProtestor  (timesofoman.com) (20)
(Pew) Followup 4 in 10 Americans believe the second coming of Christ will occur by 2050  (people-press.org) (358)
(Houston Chronicle) Cool Pope makes first-ever phone call to bless astronauts. He says even though Catholics in space are weightless, they still need mass  (chron.com) (108)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Parents shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that the women teaching their children do not spend out-of-school hours cloistered in a nunnery  (dailymail.co.uk) (179)
(Daily Mail) Interesting William and Kate actually wed in Kenya  (dailymail.co.uk) (52)
(KOTV) Scary Not news: Guy leads cops on 20 mile high speed chase. Fark: While driving an 18 wheel fuel tanker. Bonus: His name is actually Rocky Nail. w/ vid  (newson6.com) (57)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this covert canine  (inapcache.boston.com) (25)
(YouTube) Amusing The Rapture as told by the Taiwanese current-events CGI people. The ending is perfect  (youtube.com) (138)

Sat May 21, 2011
(CBS News) Interesting Researchers find whales speak in accents to their extended family. Scientists listen by use of podcast  (cbsnews.com) (51)
(CNN) Interesting Ten biggest money wasters: Come for the cigarettes, stay for the gym memberships  (money.cnn.com) (427)
(Yahoo) Spiffy New rules will enable Americans to travel to Cuba, ruining it for other tourists  (news.yahoo.com) (193)
(FARK) Cool Chicago Fark Party tonight : Lincoln Tap Room - 8PM - Post-rapture looting to follow  (fark.com) (44)
(TechnologyReview) Photoshop Photoshop this sensitive particulate air sampler  (technologyreview.com) (21)
(Reuters) Obvious With his long-predicted doomsday at hand and seemingly fizzled out, what does Rev. Camping have to say for himself? Kinda hard to tell since his radio network is playing recorded music and nobody is answering the phone at his offices  (reuters.com) (543)
(Globe and Mail) Unlikely "Do you think my wife is hot?"  (theglobeandmail.com) (109)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Everything's bigger in Texas including the number of students a teacher has sex with at once. Yes, there's a pic. No, you wouldn't  (dailymail.co.uk) (119)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Disco returns to Britain  (dailymail.co.uk) (26)
(FARK) Unlikely Official Fark Rapture thread. Make fun of the fundies, share your bucket list, post some Blondie, we don't care. BYE BYE CRUEL WORLD (@6 PM)  (fark.com) (1352)
(NASA) Followup Seven years later, the Mars rover 'Opportunity' is still chugging along, slightly exceeding its expected 90-day original mission  (marsrovers.jpl.nasa.gov) (110)
(USA Today) News Volcano in Iceland just started erupting, triggering over 50 earthquakes. And so it begins  (usatoday.com) (147)
(Newsweek) PSA After Tuscon, Egypt, Libya, Japan, and Osama, the press has run out of the cash needed to cover breaking news. So if the world doesn't end tonight, prepare for a boring year  (newsweek.com) (27)
(Guardian.com) Fail Teenager fakes insanity to beat 5-7 year sentence. Twelve years later he tells his tale from Britain's most notorious asylum  (guardian.co.uk) (165)
(Some Guy) Asinine Parents decide to hide their baby's gender and raise it as "genderless" until it is old enough to decide for itself. Chaz Bono must approve  (parentcentral.ca) (340)
(CNN) Interesting The latest despotic country to ban demonstrations, which are occurring anyway is (shakes Magic 8 ball) Spain. Spain? WTF?  (cnn.com) (68)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Stupid These days colleges work hard to make sure snowflakes have plenty of resources available to them. Like video games for your master's thesis on hooker behavior in Grand Theft Auto  (suntimes.com) (46)
(Chicago Tribune) Obvious "My first thought when wading into the cool, clear water: Was this a mistake?"  (chicagotribune.com) (34)
(Yahoo) Obvious ...and the 2011 Ric Romero Award for "Most Obvious Scientific Study" goes to ... [ opens envelope ]  (news.yahoo.com) (31)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these charades  (youphil.com) (20)
(Wired) Cool Flying robots armed with tiny laser guided missiles. That is all  (wired.com) (53)
(wtsp.com) Florida Debra LaFave, the hottest teacher ever arrested for illicit boy lovin, is pregnant. With twins. And you'd still hit it  (wtsp.com) (67)
(Some Guy) Florida Parents shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that teachers don't give a crap about teaching once the state tests are completed  (blogs.trb.com) (90)
(Some Hungry Guy) Silly Students prepare chickens for unauthorized school cookout. Unfortunately we have in our society people who want to make a news story out of everything  (wtov9.com) (51)
(Mount Airy News) Weird "Otis" arrested outside of Mayberry Country Store for heinous crime of playing checkers. That's some fine police work there Barney  (mtairynews.com) (67)
(CNBC) Obvious I'm not drinking that. It's chick beer  (cnbc.com) (127)
(BBC) Followup Princess Beatrice's FSM hat reaches £75,000 on eBay. Combined postage discount if you buy her mother at the same time  (bbc.co.uk) (50)
(Reason Magazine) Asinine No clever headline, just a woman getting 12 years, no parole, for selling $30 worth of pot. Pay no attention to the real crimes  (reason.com) (435)
(LA Times) Silly Woman selling supposed moon rock on eBay caught in a sting operation by NASA. Of course, THEY know it's a fake  (latimes.com) (89)
(My San Antonio) Caturday The first cloned "Copy Cat" celebrates her tenth birthday, just in time for Caturday  (mysanantonio.com) (1259)
(Some Guy) Obvious Not news: School wants to hold prayer at graduation. News: Atheist student asks them not to, school cancels prayer. Fark: School's senior advisor openly mocks the student, does it anyway. This should end well  (friendlyatheist.com) (615)
(Toronto Sun) Florida Teaching tip: If you yell at a junior high school student in Florida, don't drink your coffee  (torontosun.com) (22)
(YouTube) Obvious Holy Christ. It's really happening. The world is being torn asunder. Christians are ascending into Heaven, demon spawn are feast.. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ THAT MUST BE GENE GENE THE DANCING MACHINE  (youtube.com) (136)
(Some Squirrel Kabob Guy) Obvious "There are plenty of squirrels in the world. You can stand to eat a few." Fark squirrel NOT pleased  (wmtw.com) (65)
(Some Guy) Interesting Yet another sign of the End Times: the three ugly-ass albino baby raccoons of the Apocalypse  (theweathernetwork.com) (12)
(Yahoo) Fail The Revelation will be televised  (news.yahoo.com) (162)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this cone phone of silence  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (20)
(ABC News) Scary Marine awoken by his wife saying a man with a gun is in the yard. Man grabs his rifle to defend his family, with unexpected results  (abcnews.go.com) (672)
(Some Guy) Hero If the apocalypse happens today, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg will suspend alternate side parking. (Meter rules will still be in effect)  (wnyc.org) (86)
(CBS 4 Denver) Stupid Not News: Students pull prank in last days of school year. Still Not News: Spread 30 bales of hay in the hallways. Fark: Cleanup expected to be more than $100,000  (denver.cbslocal.com) (119)
(The Sun) Dumbass British man parks his penis in his living room. The Sun is there  (thesun.co.uk) (55)

Fri May 20, 2011
(WIVB) Strange Grandmother guilty of selling pills, Werther's Originals  (wivb.com) (36)
(Some Prophet) Scary The end of the World is starting a little early: Strong 6.5-magnitude earthquake hits off coast of Papua New Guinea  (heraldsun.com.au) (392)
(My San Antonio) Sad Egging ends with one dead, one in custardy  (mysanantonio.com) (66)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop challenge: It's the 21st Century, where are our flying cars?  (en.wikipedia.org) (27)
(Some Guy) Weird Drunk, incoherent, and floating downriver in a raft with a box full of sand chained to your neck is no way to ... wait. What?  (wavy.com) (51)
(GovWin) Amusing Lost in the furor around the CDC's zombie preparedness guide was evidence of other federal government zombie outbreak preparations  (govwin.com) (101)
(Some Guy) Scary Why you're right to fear socialized healthcare: Canadian hospital bans Tim Horton's for being unhealthy  (winnipegfreepress.com) (72)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Stoner Smurf, Reverse Mohawk Man and the rest of the gang in this week's Mugshot Roundup  (thesmokinggun.com) (167)
(Some Guy) Asinine Tennessee senate passes the "Don't Say Gay" proposal. Dude, that is so  (wbir.com) (334)
(Some Earguy) Plug Summoning the power of Fark to help animal rescue. Please vote for the puppies and kittens. DIT  (theanimalrescuesite.com) (75)
(AP) Spiffy Immigration crackdown worries Vidalia onion county. Hold the onions, Jeb  (hosted.ap.org) (174)
(Some Guy) Sad It was only a matter of time : Wal-Mart shoppers complain that the motorized shopping carts are always broken  (newsnet5.com) (210)
(The Morning Call) Weird A judge with a heart, a cop with bad aim, and child porn charges. This story has it all  (mcall.com) (54)
(Talking Points Memo) Sick There's dirty politics and then there's the Chamber of Commerce, which a NY paper says faked their editors' endorsement in order to help a struggling Republican candidate   (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com) (91)
(Boston Globe) Hero Not sure which beer to buy? How about the one that donates 50% of the profits to veterans organizations?  (boston.com) (115)
(Yahoo) Followup Woman who scammed $60,000 out of family and friends by faking cancer sentenced to 90 days in jail. Which works out to pretty decent salary on an annualized basis  (news.yahoo.com) (41)
(Nola.com) Asinine Judge decides that if you won't testify against an accused murderer for fear of retaliation, he'll put you in jail with the accused  (nola.com) (66)
(Washington Post) Fail Singapore Supreme Court has decided that sentencing a 14-year-old to life without parole is permissible and not unduly harsh. Did I say Singapore? Sorry. I meant Wisconsin  (washingtonpost.com) (525)
(Engadget) Scary Apple gets wrong kind of flash  (engadget.com) (98)
(Some Business Review) Interesting Reservists gain financially from being called up, although they don't gain as much in terms of gettingshotly  (web.hbr.org) (25)
(Gawker) Amusing Because it's a slow news day: Here's two guys playing a piano with nothing but their penises  (gawker.com) (72)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Duct tape sticks man in prison for his roll in robbery  (big1059.com) (9)
(Some Guy who is staying) PSA The "Will You be Raptured" flowchart   (peasandcougars.wordpress.com) (290)
(Globe and Mail) Silly Women who abstain from dating for a year have a lot more free time to think up words like "manbbatical" or "he-tox"  (theglobeandmail.com) (144)
(Toronto Star) Obvious Canadian Special Operations Forces getting 10 kevlar canoes. That's the joke  (thestar.com) (48)
(SFGate) Cool Ever wondered how the Golden Gate Bridge would look with BART on it? Wonder no more. Bonus: "You'll notice that the BART trains look a lot more sleek and phallic than they did when the system opened in 1972"  (sfgate.com) (67)
(FARK) Survey Pop quiz, hotshot  (fark.com) (42)
(PennLive) Amusing Don't mess with this man's egg sandwich  (pennlive.com) (65)
(The Consumerist) Amusing Never let it be said that Allstate doesn't have timely ads  (consumerist.com) (40)
(TMZ) Sad Macho Man Randy Savage mistakes tree trunk for Slim Jim. OHHHH YEEAAAAHHHHHH  (tmz.com) (622)
(WGAL 8) Scary Man taken to the hospital sporting some serious wood  (wgal.com) (18)
(Some Guy) Interesting According to some sexologists, you can tell if a woman has had an orgasm by the way that she walks. Genesis unavailable for comment  (thefrisky.com) (169)
(The Sun) Unlikely Britain moves from burning witches to taking them to dinner and a movie (with "you make the call" mugshot)  (thesun.co.uk) (41)
(Some Guy) Interesting Exotic dancer by night, drug bust vigilante...by night too, I guess  (waltonsun.com) (28)
(Some Cowboy) Florida In case the religious nutjobs are actually right about tomorrow's apocalypse, please remember the rally point is Okeechobee, Florida  (okeechobeeeoc.com) (91)
(Fox News) Strange Nobody expects a surprise shark  (foxnews.com) (31)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop challenge: Replace the Statue of Liberty with something more in keeping with the times  (lh4.ggpht.com) (77)
(My San Antonio) Fail Old and busted: fish tacos. The new hotness: heroin tacos  (mysanantonio.com) (14)
(Boston Globe) Scary Well kids, tomorrow the world is going to end and mommy and daddy are going to heaven. Haha, no. You kids are going to die here  (boston.com) (400)
(AOL) Florida Woman hides stolen credit card in the one place she thought police couldn't snatch it away  (weirdnews.aol.com) (69)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Man gets twelve weeks in jail for stealing phone from woman who was flat, broke  (dailymail.co.uk) (22)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Rashida Jones in lingerie talking about kissing Zooey Deschanel. Really? Still reading?  (dailymail.co.uk) (166)
(Piedmont Triad / WFMY News 2) Obvious Complex differential equation used to calculate fine for ginseng poachers  (digtriad.com) (20)
(The Local (Sweden)) Sick I love ewe  (thelocal.se) (54)
(KnoxNews) Sick The scariest evidence yet of the impending end of the world: Jack Daniel's introduces new honey-flavored liqueur  (knoxnews.com) (148)
(The Smoking Gun) Sad This Friday, we have an all-woman Photo Fun Match edition. Chained Heat, it ain't  (thesmokinggun.com) (11)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Rantin' rappin' Mom puts on her own show at school talent contest  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (13)
(AP) Asinine Taxpayers shocked that some California lifeguards make up to $200,000 per year. In their defense, though, tape to keep your breasts in your swimsuit while running in slow motion along the beach isn't cheap  (hosted.ap.org) (149)
(CBC) Obvious Returning Canadian Senator in hospital after moose collision  (cbc.ca) (41)
(BBC) Interesting A college educated white Englishman's experience of the Miami Megajail  (bbc.co.uk) (61)
(The Post and Courier) Weird Ah, Spring. The birds, the flowers...25 naked hippies grinding on a 1,400 year old tree  (postandcourier.com) (32)
(Some Guy) Hero Pensioners in Japan have decided to put their lives at risk to save younger people from radiation  (dw-world.de) (134)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Good dad: Helping son with his new skateboard trick. Bad dad: Driving the SUV he's trying to grab onto without wearing a helmet  (click2houston.com) (33)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Remember when Ron Paul told Mississippi River flood victims to build their own levees? Some took his advice with positive results  (dailymail.co.uk) (196)
(AZCentral) Cool Gay Los Angeles police officer wins $1 million judgment in retaliation case. He thanked his legal team of Sailor, Construction Dude, Indian Chief, and Leather Guy with mustache, and also Tom Cruise for some reason  (azcentral.com) (109)
(KCRG) Stupid Today's "white powder in envelope brings out hazmat team" story brought to you by Iowa City and a crushed LifeSaver  (kcrg.com) (25)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this musical mania  (s.wsj.net) (20)
(Daily Star) Spiffy Pippa Middleton gives her famous rear a brisk work-out (w/ pic)  (dailystar.co.uk) (168)
(Journal Star) Dumbass Couple arrested in Nebraska for stealing grease. At least, that's the word  (journalstar.com) (48)
(TwinCities.com) Obvious If you get lost in the woods and you have a cell phone, no problem. Wave the cell phone at the helicopter  (twincities.com) (30)
(Contact Music) Sick Yeah, Bradley Cooper went there  (contactmusic.com) (130)
(Some Flutist) Sick How clean is your kid's band instrument? Depends. Did you send them to band camp?  (ksl.com) (57)
(Washington Post) Interesting How much of our massive debt is the result of Obama's expansion of the government? 2%. Two. The other 98%? War, the recession, and tax cuts  (washingtonpost.com) (534)
(WLSAM) Fail If you wake up and see ladies panties, a black hoodie, and legs, they better belong to your wife or at least a loved one  (wlsam.com) (26)
(AZCentral) Fail When discussing a drug deal, make sure that your cell phone doesn't pocket-dial 911  (azcentral.com) (39)
(UPI) Fail Man arrested trying to pick up package of cocaine weighing 242 lbs. You could hurt yourself doing that  (upi.com) (37)
(The Sun) Scary Unstable man with a machete threatens more than 30 police officers, with semi-predictable results  (thesun.co.uk) (86)
(News.com.au) Sad Argentinian plane crash kills 22, gives dinner ideas to rugby team  (news.com.au) (40)

Thu May 19, 2011
(LA Times) Sad Female troops more likely to get PTSD, PMS, and UFIA  (latimes.com) (164)
(BBC) Spiffy Kid is really happy to get his new bionic arm, but he's pretty pissed off at the ""Na-na-na-na-na-na-na" sounds every time he uses it. In related news, a donut with no hole is a danish  (bbc.co.uk) (88)
(MSNBC) Asinine Old and busted: Sex offender registry. New Hotness: Animal abuse registry  (msnbc.msn.com) (169)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop these key carriers  (online.wsj.com) (21)
(kgw.com) Sad Hassan Bin-Abdessellam Roussi loses footing while hiking in gorge. HASSAN DROP  (kgw.com) (80)
(BBC) Sad Taliban kills 35 Afghan highway workers, fines doubled  (bbc.co.uk) (45)
(CNN) Obvious There are now two American economies: the one in which corporations always win, and the one in which the American worker always loses. I'm sure the solution involves tax cuts for the rich, though   (globalpublicsquare.blogs.cnn.com) (219)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Good News: Pills bought on the internet to help you sleep really work. Bad News: It's permanent  (dailymail.co.uk) (68)
(Sign On San Diego) Sad City council says a stained-glass mosaic of a surfing Madonna must be wiped out  (signonsandiego.com) (52)
(NYPost) Followup FBI believes Unabomber Ted Kaczynski was responsible for giving Chicagoans a massive headache in 1982  (nypost.com) (62)
(Washington Post) Stupid Virginia fines Northrup-Grumman $5 million for computer system meltdown that crippled the state...but only after extending their contract for 3 years and throwing another $100 million on its value  (washingtonpost.com) (46)
(Yahoo) Interesting Ex-IMF chief Strauss-Kahn granted $1 million bail and will be confined to home detention. No word yet on whether he will have maid service  (news.yahoo.com) (54)
(Yahoo) Obvious "Good-bye to the World" trip ends up being just that  (news.yahoo.com) (42)
(USA Today) Interesting Swimmer's ear medical costs total $500 million a year. I said, SWIMMER'S EAR MEDICAL COSTS TOTAL $500 MILLION A YEAR  (yourlife.usatoday.com) (50)
(Some Guy) Sad Mother of the Year candidate charged with collecting $750,000 in foster money and spending about $30 that in food for the kids over 12 years  (adn.com) (91)
(The Raw Story) Fail 'My bad': Willie Nelson un-endorses Republican Gary Johnson  (rawstory.com) (57)
(CNN) Sad Zoo animals face budget knife. And fork  (money.cnn.com) (27)
(Falls Church News-Press) Ironic Catholic school parents and officials oppose new hotel planned for next door, arguing that it will "invite pederasts," encourage competition  (fcnp.com) (50)
(Talking Points Memo) Amusing Newt Gingrich's ringtone is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. Not a joke  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com) (98)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Class action lawsuit claims AT&T routinely overcharges iPhone and iPad customers for data. When asked by a reporter whether the lawyer's team found overcharging for every single transaction, he replied: "Yes, every single one"  (dailymail.co.uk) (79)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Hello, I bought your dead father's house and found his $45 thousand dollars. You want that back?"  (y100.com) (203)
(Boing Boing) Obvious March 19, 2011, still no cure for lengthy articles about the fact that there is still no cure for cancer  (boingboing.net) (16)
(AJC) Asinine "If people are drinking at home and run out of beer Sundays, they'll be able to drive to the store to buy more." Apparently, someone has a problem with that  (ajc.com) (142)
(WIVB) Dumbass Man steals handcuffs from police station. Dubai cops are more than happy to give him a matching set  (wivb.com) (12)
(FOX40) Dumbass Giant Pink Gorilla Causes Bomb Scare  (fox40.com) (11)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Some big dummy may have been setting fires in Sanford  (orlandosentinel.com) (16)
(CNN) Misc Pop quiz, hot shot: You are hospitalized with pneumonia and renal failure, and you know a little bit about alleviating suffering. What do you do?  (cnn.com) (65)
(Government Technology) Scary New Jersey and Connecticut are the latest states to adopt doubleplusgood licenses  (govtech.com) (75)
(HelenaIR.com) Dumbass Brach's candy heiress convicted for hosting parties that featured a tasty selection of nose candy  (helenair.com) (80)
(Boing Boing) Asinine Meanwhile, from atop their sinister mountain lair, the MPAA and RIAA hatch a diabolical plan to get warrantless searches legalized  (boingboing.net) (82)
(Some Toddler) Dumbass Toddler involved in overnight standoff. Ends peacefully after neogiating for a bottle and diaper change  (wowt.com) (13)
(Chattanooga Times Free Press) Dumbass Actual Headline: "Man charged with exposure at Northgate Mall after showing 'glistening white buttocks'"  (timesfreepress.com) (35)
(Buzzfeed) Cool 18 awesomely blasphemous Last Supper renditions. Yep they did that. And that too  (buzzfeed.com) (151)
(UPI) Fail Masked robber helpfully complies with bank's "no hats, no hoods" policy  (upi.com) (18)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Louisiana man admits to masturbating in public, but tells cops that the woman who ratted him out was not the object of his desires. He was aiming for ANOTHER woman  (thesmokinggun.com) (38)
(Some Guy) Followup Five-year-old boy found dead near subby's house identified, mother charged with second degree murder. Thank you, fellow Farkers, for attempting to help identify him  (wgme.com) (130)
(Cracked) Interesting The seven most ridiculous cases of misplaced priorities  (cracked.com) (54)
(Local10) Florida Actual headline: Woman's leg severed by flying pressure cooker  (local10.com) (48)
(My Fox DC) Asinine Sure we'd love your business, but first what about this Holocaust thing?  (myfoxdc.com) (108)
(The News & Observer (NC)) Sad Is the Southern accent in danger of disappearing? Wutch'all think?  (newsobserver.com) (318)
(TC Palm) Florida Pro tip: If you wanna 'score some women,' steal them something better than Bud Light in cans. Also, make sure your ride is not a Dodge Neon with a flat tire, and leave your two drinking pals at home  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (27)
(AOL) Sad Man dies in hot tub after whirlpool sucks  (weirdnews.aol.com) (44)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this bear and barrels  (bigpicture.ru) (25)
(Herald Tribune) Scary Had enough tornadoes, earthquakes, wild fires and flooding? Then you're going to think the 2011 hurricane season prediction blows   (hurricanereport.blogs.heraldtribune.com) (41)
(SLTrib) Dumbass There's regular karaoke, and then there's FULL CONTACT karaoke  (sltrib.com) (15)
(Some Guy) Sad Airline passenger becomes carryoff baggage  (ap.staugustine.com) (19)
(AP) Florida Ducks cause Brinks truck to flip over on I-95. That's how they roll  (hosted.ap.org) (24)
(truTV) Amusing The 17 best fan suggestions ever submitted to truTV's Conspiracy editors. Bonus: Not edited for grammar and spelling  (trutv.com) (95)
(NW Florida Daily News) Dumbass I'll have a cheeseburger, an order of fries, a large Coke and 90 Lortab pills  (nwfdailynews.com) (22)
(Huffington Post) Weird Border Patrol seizes 35 rolls of bologna with a street value of over 4000 sandwiches  (huffingtonpost.com) (29)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Rapist with supernatural powers arrested in Zimbabwe  (zimdiaspora.com) (56)
(Washington Times) Spiffy Luscious Republican congressional staffer wants to be Miss America. With splendid GOP photo adorability and very decent numbers  (washingtontimes.com) (152)
(MSNBC) Followup Deadliest Catch: Bivalve Edition wraps episode  (msnbc.msn.com) (14)
(Washington Post) Ironic The internal CIA memo warning employees to stop leaking information on the Osama bin Laden raid to the press or face legal action is promptly leaked to the press  (washingtonpost.com) (53)
(Some Guy) Dumbass People, don't bring your seven-year-old to your drug deals. They usually can't lay down effective suppressing fire when you rip off the dealer  (wlwt.com) (20)
(Star Press) Dumbass If you have a warrant out for your arrest and are making a run for a pack of smokes, don't leave your two-year-old alone it the car with access to the gearshift, or else you will go to jail  (thestarpress.com) (17)
(BBC) Interesting China acknowledges dam problems. Too many dam people to relocate, too many dam landslides, not enough dam jobs  (bbc.co.uk) (30)
(Boston Globe) Cool Seven-ton magnet installed on International Space Station. Wile E. Coyote ecstatic  (boston.com) (68)
(Some Guy) Scary A landlord stabs his tennant with a pitchfork over stolen insomnia medication, then things get weird  (manchesterconfidential.co.uk) (18)
(New York Daily News) Stupid Hipster church opens in Queens - but before you scoff, please consider that they've swapped out communion wafers for donuts and candy. Readings will be from obscure passages like the book of Tobit  (nydailynews.com) (89)
(SeattlePI) Followup Massive flap erupting in San Francisco over proposal to cut off circumcision procedures. Health and religious rights advocates cheesed off  (seattlepi.com) (338)
(Metro) Dumbass Cemetery officials deem a porn star's gravestone to be "too sexy." (with a pic tame enough to email to your grandma)  (metro.co.uk) (105)
(Some Guy) Misc Whistleblower says Russian troops fed dog food. Presumably not in a high pitched tone only audible to Russian soldiers  (trust.org) (38)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Family lucky to be alive after finding out how their Mercedes bends  (wicklowpeople.ie) (15)
(Devil's Food Cake) Obvious Why predict the rapture and risk looking like a fool? Because it's very, very profitable  (heraldnet.com) (127)
(Washington Post) Interesting Number of long-lasting marriages in the US rise as medical advances delay the arrival of the sweet angel of death  (washingtonpost.com) (36)
(Mediaite) Followup It turns out the Botox Mom made up the entire story to make some money off the media  (mediaite.com) (63)
(ecanada) Cool Today is "Circus Day", marking the anniversary of the Ringling Brothers' first circus. In observance, Congress will be in full session  (ecanadanow.com) (17)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Toy shop owner refuses to carry Harry Potter items and the like because they might convince kids that make-believe crap is real  (dailymail.co.uk) (153)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Dumbass If your wallet seems lighter than it should be, a Minneapolis pharmacy would like to give you your $999,934.81 in change  (startribune.com) (48)
(El Paso Times) Asinine The most violent city in the world is now the most heroic violent city in the world  (elpasotimes.com) (42)
(My Fox DC) Strange Virginia Historical Society puts collection of oddities on display, is surprised when CDC arrives in full biohazard gear to remove the piece with smallpox  (myfoxdc.com) (46)
(FARK) Followup Reminder: Chicago Fark Party this Saturday at Lincoln Tap Room. We got an open bar, and some other nice stuff lined up. (link is original thread)  (fark.com) (71)
(CNN) Interesting Arnold's secret son was born less than a week after his real son, which seems like a pretty good set-up for an action comedy with Danny DeVito when you think about it  (cnn.com) (60)
(KOTV) Stupid Teens' hot new trend: setting themselves and each other on fire  (newson6.com) (86)
(Talking Points Memo) Dumbass A fake painted Virginia license plate reading "Private Use" does not make you a sovereign citizen over the highway   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com) (172)
(Daily Mail) Silly "Gender Reveal Parties" a new trend for prospective parents, will be followed by "Crying in the Shower Parties"  (dailymail.co.uk) (134)
(CSMonitor) Photoshop Photoshop these intense hurdlers  (csmonitor.com) (26)
(SFGate) Caption Caption this awkward encounter  (imgs.sfgate.com) (127)
(AZCentral) Sick If you're a crematory owner, there are better places to store your bodies than in your car for several days. In the Arizona heat  (azcentral.com) (93)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) Scary Student cuts his hand with a razor. School searches his locker for razor and finds 18 stamps of heroin. Student says he has passed out some of the "Magic Bunny" stamps. Fark: He's in kindergarten  (post-gazette.com) (148)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Obvious Actual headline: "Woman missing since she got lost"  (suntimes.com) (71)
(News.com.au) Strange Australian prisoners to be held in shipping containers. This is not a repeat from 1788  (news.com.au) (28)
(Fox News) Interesting Toothbrush detects cancer, leaves you minty fresh  (foxnews.com) (21)
(Washington Times) Obvious Sen. Tom Coburn (R- Really has a point here) questions the Social Security benefits received by a diaper clad man that's bottle fed by his roommate. Oh yes, there's a pic  (washingtontimes.com) (453)
(Some Guy) Obvious Unless you're in porn, things will not end well if you're drunk and UFIA a female cop  (townsvillebulletin.com.au) (67)
(NJ.com) Strange Stripping off your shirt while singing loudly is de rigueur at bachelorette parties, and sometimes acceptable in bars, but universally frowned upon at your arraignment on murder charges  (nj.com) (38)
(MSNBC) Sappy Can you still fit into your wedding gown? No? You've been pwned by a 93 year old lady  (today.msnbc.msn.com) (48)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this traveling Tibetan  (mrubenstein.com) (26)
(Wall Street Journal) Followup Strauss-Kahn disavows knowledge of the IMF  (online.wsj.com) (117)
(Boston Globe) Interesting Dunkin Donuts sued for not allowing customers to just put the tip in the hole  (boston.com) (161)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 315: "Classical Elements." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (177)

Wed May 18, 2011
(wtsp.com) Florida Protip: If you're a principal/hypnotist, and you decide to do hypnosis on your students to help them pass tests, make sure you're not doing the suicidey kind  (wtsp.com) (60)
(Daily Mail) Sappy The cutest pink kitten you will see all day  (dailymail.co.uk) (74)
(Huffington Post) Interesting Osama Bin Laden's first posthumous recording is released. Plans are being made for his second release to feature Tupac  (huffingtonpost.com) (79)
(KNBC 4 Los Angeles) News Fully loaded KC135 crashes at Pt Mugu NAS, crew survives, plane burning  (nbclosangeles.com) (171)
(The Consumerist) Scary Credit card skimmers discovered inside gas pumps. It's like getting ripped off at the gas station twice  (consumerist.com) (54)
(WIVB) Obvious Somewhere, a one-armed man is laughing  (wivb.com) (50)
(My Fox DC) Dumbass Grumpy old fart first pepper sprays, then fires shotgun at teen skateboarders. Article does not mention if a lawn was involved  (myfoxdc.com) (94)
(The New York Times) Sick Asthma acting up? Stop breathing all that cockroach dust  (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com) (26)
(Some Guy) Cool The coolest graphite drawing you will see all week  (behance.net) (104)
(Some Guy) Fail The city of Phoenix is so broke, they're closing public pools, cutting programs for seniors, and handing out $30 million pay raises  (940winz.com) (80)
(KTLA) Fail Scare headline: Teens found dead near can of Four Loco. Article: they overdosed on Xanax and methadone  (ktla.com) (109)
(CNN) News Obama imposes strongly worded sanctions against Syrian President Assad  (cnn.com) (108)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this psyched server  (online.wsj.com) (31)
(AZCentral) Unlikely New study says employees cost companies up to $10-million a year by using social media at work when they could be talking to friends on the phone, taking bathroom breaks, and going out to smoke  (azcentral.com) (102)
(Daily Mail) Sick Dad and daughter who are in a sexual relationship say there is nothing wrong with what they do. Even Jerry Springer refused this one  (dailymail.co.uk) (376)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man who tee'd off on golf course birdie gets penalized. What a putts  (big1059.com) (69)
(CNN) Stupid The contents of Madoff's wine cellar up for auction. You can now bid on a case of 1854 Chateau d'Arsinge, which tastes surprisingly like relabeled Manischewitz from King Kullen  (money.cnn.com) (71)
(SeattlePI) Scary Subby prays that if he is ever in both a Syrian and Iranian prison in the same week, he comes out of it as well as Al-Jazeera reporter Dorothy Parvaz has  (seattlepi.com) (42)
(The Daily Beast) PSA Top ten sleepless cities in the US. What the hell is Davenport, Iowa doing on this list?  (thedailybeast.com) (122)
(Bowling Green Daily News) Weird Man with two pickled sausages in pocket breaks in house, eats cupcakes  (bgdailynews.com) (41)
(Daily Yomiuri) Obvious Rebuilders of disaster-stricken areas of Japan discover new aggravation: no open parking spaces. "It took me half an hour just to get a place to park"  (yomiuri.co.jp) (20)
(Daily Mail) Amusing The newest trend is pejazzling. Yes, those. Put there  (dailymail.co.uk) (201)
(Some Guy) Obvious ADD isn't real. Kids are just stupid  (themarknews.com) (484)
(BBC) Interesting Ecuador probes Farc-Correa link. No word if it is Best Correa or not  (bbc.co.uk) (23)
(USA Today) Scary Deadliest Catch: Bivalve Edition  (usatoday.com) (37)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Wisonsin woman hits median, flips car four times, is ejected, goes airborne, flies through pine tree, lands on garage roof, and tries to walk away from the scene. "Alcohol was a factor in the accident"  (greenbaypressgazette.com) (70)
(Orlando Sentinel) Cool Space Shuttle Endeavour and the ISS are docking. Heh. "Docking"  (blogs.orlandosentinel.com) (29)
(Canoe) Scary What's more horrifying: having a flesh-eating disease or being stuck in Calgary?  (cnews.canoe.ca) (63)
(NewsOK) Cool One of the six surviving kids of the Oklahoma City Bombing graduates from high school  (newsok.com) (58)
(Wired) Interesting Red-crested Tree Rat reappears after 113 years. Yawns. Scratches belly and asks "What'd I miss?"  (wired.com) (42)
(Some Guy) Strange Experts baffled by mysterious crater found in your Mom's front yard  (newyork.cbslocal.com) (61)
(TechnologyReview) Scary NASA data shows increases in radio waves, electrons in the ionosphere, and infrared emissions above the epicenter of major earthquakes, completely vindicating Jesse Ventura  (technologyreview.com) (125)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida A prayer request for Osama bin Laden with a cross next to his name appears in a Catholic church's bulletin. Awkward  (sun-sentinel.com) (103)
(TechCrunch) Cool New company aims to be the Netflix of original artwork  (techcrunch.com) (33)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Police arrest soda jerk  (koco.com) (29)
(AL.com) Cool Plague of cicadas emerging just in time for Judgment Day  (blog.al.com) (77)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass Virus leaked social security numbers of unemployed, offering identity thieves chance to get turned down for credit  (boston.com) (21)
(Some Guy) Fail The Queen turns down a free pint of Guinness on her visit to Ireland  (irishcentral.com) (149)
(NBC Bay Area) Interesting Porn company opens community center giving new meaning to Me and Julio and what your momma saw  (nbcbayarea.com) (27)
(Some Guy) Interesting Police called to a McDonald's to settle a dispute between a city council candidate and Mayor McCheese   (chronicle.northcoastnow.com) (8)
(ABC 13 Toledo) Scary PeopleofWalmart.com to create new section to highlight parents who fight with their children and then run them over in the parking lot  (abclocal.go.com) (28)
(MLive.com) Ironic Large midwestern retailer recalls 7,600 candles due to fire hazard  (mlive.com) (35)
(News.com.au) Weird "I know the law," says man who tries to board train with pony  (news.com.au) (55)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Swarm of angry realtors attack children in Florida  (orlandosentinel.com) (19)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Be on the lookout for a fake taxi cop in South Florida giving free rides, robberies  (sun-sentinel.com) (11)
(WXYZ Detroit) Strange Teen charged with Ethnic Intimidation after writing graffiti on bathroom wall where he threatened to have himself lynched  (wxyz.com) (57)
(Click Orlando) Obvious "There are shards of glass everywhere. Feathers, poo and papers ... it's a mess"  (clickorlando.com) (30)
(SeattlePI) Strange A new kind of special brownie that is 100% legal  (blog.seattlepi.com) (94)
(Daily Mail) Followup Remember that scene in The Terminator'' where Arnold had to cut out his eye? Subby feels the same way after seeing pics of the woman he had love child with  (dailymail.co.uk) (315)
(CNN) Interesting A look at what happens to your resume after you've applied for the job and the HR laughter has stopped  (money.cnn.com) (165)
(Daily Mail) Strange 35-year-old man killed by venomous Weimaraner  (dailymail.co.uk) (30)
(wptv.com) Florida You discover a dead body at your home so you...a) check for a pulse b) call police c) pour bleach on body d) continue with yard work. It's Florida c & d are correct answers  (wptv.com) (21)
(10 News) Fail Man finds out that you don't really want to tell the cops that you're a pedophile when applying to be a cop  (10news.com) (54)
(Slate) Amusing "Step 1: Preheat your oven. Step 2: Wash chicken. Step 3: Have sex "  (slate.com) (135)
(wtsp.com) Dumbass Apparently, the idea of selling other people's kids on eBay hasn't gotten old in Michigan  (wtsp.com) (24)
(Telegraph) Strange Woman currently allergic to electricity  (telegraph.co.uk) (74)
(CNN) Obvious Mexican police find answer to the age old question: How many people can you stuff in two trucks?  (cnn.com) (29)
(Some Guy) Amusing The 100 worst senior portraits of all time  (superbooyah.com) (182)
(MSNBC) Hero Amazing photos of jilted bride attemping to leap out window. Tag for people who saved her  (photoblog.msnbc.msn.com) (174)
(National Post) Hero To his kids, Cliff Stewart was a regular dad and a super-whiz around the house. To the Allies, he was a super spy and 'cracker-smart' code breaker in WWII. Goodnight, clandestine guy  (news.nationalpost.com) (17)
(Yahoo) Strange Al-Qeada names Saif al-Adel as acting ruthless bloodthirsty terrorist madman, apparently want to hire an executive search firm to consider more candidates before naming a permanent leader  (news.yahoo.com) (27)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Amusing How to have fun with a phisher: "OMG, I hope you weren't too embarrassed. But never mind. U.S. Treasury Agents are outside. Do not attempt to leave the building"  (startribune.com) (62)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida It's never a good idea to act on a workplace crush, especially when you're a police officer and she's a prison inmate  (tampabay.com) (13)
(LA Times) Followup What does France consider the worst thing about Strauss-Kahn's arrest in America? "The [prison] food is terrible"  (latimes.com) (117)
(Some Guy) Interesting Arkansas schools given two years to solve money problems, evolution  (939mia.com) (14)
(The Sun) Scary Things not to do when taking a vacation: 1) Take your dog cliff diving  (thesun.co.uk) (30)
(Herald Tribune) Scary Fukushima Dai-ichi plant now looks like a scene from Half-Life. No sign of Gordon Freeman  (galleries.heraldtribune.com) (71)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this gas masked guy  (spiegel.de) (24)
(wtsp.com) Florida So you break into a school and what do you grab? a) computers b) microscopes c) office equipment or d) chicken nuggets? hint: Florida tag  (wtsp.com) (48)
(WWL) Scary The opening of the Morganza Spillway results in the exodus of all manner of wildlife, like this GIGANTIC GODDAMN SNAKE  (wwl.com) (214)
(Live Science) Interesting Good News: There IS a cure for cancer. Bad News: Big pharma won't let you have it because it would cut in to their profits  (livescience.com) (204)
(WTOP) Amusing "Here's today's forecast: heavy snow likely in Caradhras; severe storms over Tol Brandir; and in Mordor, overcast with a 100% chance of Eye"  (wtop.com) (44)
(CNN) Hero James Zwerg tells the story behind the photo that made him one of the heroes of the Civil Rights movement  (cnn.com) (382)
(KJRH) Dumbass Woman downloads game on her iPhone that allows in app purchases, lets her 8-year-old daughter play with it. What could possibly go wrong?  (kjrh.com) (121)
(KTLA) Sad "This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized rape"  (ktla.com) (200)
(NPR) Interesting Dear Grammar Nazis: you're all kinda wrong, so stfu. These three books will explain why. Kthxbye. Love, The Grammar Fuhrers  (npr.org) (162)
(Yahoo) Strange If you're suing your brother for $110 million because you think he stole the Barnum & Bailey circus from you, it may not help your case if you scream obscenities when someone accidentally refers to you as "Mrs"  (news.yahoo.com) (70)
(KVET) Amusing Dish Network now apparently offering pot as part of their bundled packages  (myfoxaustin.com) (38)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this merry meeting  (inapcache.boston.com) (13)
(Some Redlight) Dumbass Are humans predisposed to repeating things? Let's ask the Fark Admins  (thecorsaironline.com) (96)
(News.com.au) Fail Meanwhile in Australia, police return a stolen car to the wrong owner  (news.com.au) (15)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting The science behind why so many people are dying to follow a doomsday scenario. "It's going to be a wonderful, wonderful day"  (mnn.com) (216)
(KTLA) Sick Police charge man with secretly videotaping more than 40 women using restroom at Starbucks, say he had a latte nerve  (ktla.com) (38)
(The New York Times) Obvious Catholic Church spins wheels, blames sex abuse on the 60s  (nytimes.com) (127)
(CBC) Interesting Egyptian mummy diagnosed with heart disease, told she has no more than -3500 years to live  (cbc.ca) (14)
(Everett Herald) Scary Guy stabs his lawyer in neck with pencil during court proceeding. Fark: It was the second time he did it in a week  (heraldnet.com) (54)
(WIVB) Obvious Good news for drivers: $1.10 per gallon for gasoline. Bad news for the gas station owner: $21K in losses  (wivb.com) (100)

Tue May 17, 2011
(Yahoo) Cool We've all heard urban legends about vintage cars now worth a fortune being rediscovered after being tucked away and forgotten about for decades in an old barn or garage, but here are some real ones--including one worth over $4 million  (autos.yahoo.com) (162)
(SFGate) Sad The internet is making typewriters, the U.S. Postal Service, and snow days obsolete  (sfgate.com) (109)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this man snipping his 'stache  (online.wsj.com) (22)
(Mother Jones) Interesting Here's the science of what happens to you when you sleep with the fishes  (motherjones.com) (77)
(Huffington Post) Asinine Glenn Beck has read the Book of Revelation too many times, believes he's been "asked to stand in Jerusalem." Really  (huffingtonpost.com) (317)
(Labspaces.net) Interesting Study looking at the sex lives of twins finds LET. ME. FINISH. Finds that teen abstinence has absolutely no effect on later sexual behaviors  (labspaces.net) (294)
(Free Press) Asinine Lottery winner still uses foodstamps. "If you're going to ... try to make me feel bad, you aren't going to do it"  (freep.com) (264)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting The most hated baby names in America. We're looking at you, Brayden and Kaitlyn  (mnn.com) (553)
(The Consumerist) Scary Cruise ship passengers mutiny after being stranded with Kathie Lee Gifford  (consumerist.com) (66)
(Government Technology) Interesting Government agencies grappling with the most serious issue of our time: Should government employees be allowed to Tweet while on the clock/in the bathroom?  (govtech.com) (23)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Former atheist takes a 50% paycut to work for the WORLD IS ENDING THIS WEEK people  (themarknews.com) (232)
(STLToday) Scary It's that time of year when the birds start singing, the grass starts growing, and the alligators crawl out of the New York sewers to sunbathe on people's lawns  (stltoday.com) (16)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass Man sells a stolen $4000 Les Paul to a pawn shop for $180. My guitar and I will be over here gently weeping  (mcall.com) (253)
(Miller-McCune) Amusing Rapture (May 21st) explained: Essential to the math is equating one day with 1,000 years. Therefore, since the Flood happened in 4990 B.C., and the seven days in Genesis are really 7,000 years, uh, wait, where was I?  (miller-mccune.com) (325)
(Globe and Mail) Dumbass The owner of the asbestos mine mocked by The Daily Show didn't know it was a satirical show when he agreed to be interviewed  (theglobeandmail.com) (105)
(LA Times) Fail Bob Hope just isnt bringing in the troops like he used to  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (28)
(NJ.com) Asinine Hello, 911 dispatch? I've just been smashing windows at police headquarters with rocks to test your respone time. Sure, I'll hold  (nj.com) (12)
(AZCentral) Spiffy Yuma-based Marine finds $10 in his pocket, decides to play the lottery. OOH-RAH  (azcentral.com) (61)
(CBC) Scary Gold mine attacked. AU HELL NO  (cbc.ca) (40)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Fewer drunks peeing in the streets, thanks to portable toilets. This is a proud day for Australia  (news.com.au) (34)
(Some Geezer) Florida Not news: Two guys duke it out over hot chick, one gets arrested after stabbing the other. Fark: They are 71  (winterhaven.wtsp.com) (23)
(IndyStar) Cool So, eleven hundred men went on I-465, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the traffic took the rest. Anyway, we delivered the bomb  (indystar.com) (95)
(Some Guy) Fail She "stated that she wanted some cocaine, but she only had $2 and a salad"  (ksl.com) (55)
(AJC) Scary State of Georgia: "Hey, kids. Sorry for keeping you in prison for two years on murder charges. Turns out you didn't do it after all. So... we're cool, right?"  (ajc.com) (103)
(FARK) FarkBlog Dubai cruel world, magnetic boy who may be a Pole, Huckabee Fin: some of Fark's favorite headlines for 5/8 - 5/14  (fark.com) (12)
(Slate) Stupid Woman upset that her mom's final words were about the cat and not her  (slate.com) (167)
(WFTV) Florida Cool: Falling asleep with your young child in your lap. Florida: Passing out at the bar with your young child in your lap  (wftv.com) (15)
(NYPost) Fail Bakery truck driver trying to beat a commuter train at a crossing runs into engineer Darwin  (nypost.com) (75)
(Some Bar Fly) Interesting Five things your bartender won't tell you. Show me your tatas and you'll get a free drink surprisingly absent  (wtsp.com) (294)
(NPR) Amusing How annoying are you? Take the Quiz. Subby scored eleventy11111  (npr.org) (292)
(Some Guy) Strange Two people fail to escape Alcatraz tram  (ktvu.com) (11)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida If you were helping your boyfriend grow $1.4 million worth of pot, don't go visit him in jail (with you'd smoke with her pic)  (jacksonville.com) (76)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Today's dumb criminal brought to you by Sears, where an employee shoplifts boots and then wears them to work  (heraldtribune.com) (16)
(Some Guy) Amusing "The play depicts Jesus and the disciples as openly gay men living in modern day Texas"  (y100.com) (102)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Saudi woman spitting mad after being charged with hate crimes against "white people" of Walmart  (orlandosentinel.com) (162)
(WLSAM) Interesting ♫ 50,000 all beef patties, 100 gallons of special sauce, 25,000 ounces of lettuce, 25,000 slices of cheese, 50,000 pickles, 12,500 ounces of onions, on 25,000 sesame seed buns and 13.5 million calories ♫  (wlsam.com) (59)
(Russian News Net) Sick "Police found a stew made from a human liver in the fridge at the suspect's apartment in east Moscow." Suspect found singing "I wanna be around to pick up the pieces "  (russianews.net) (45)
(Some Guy) Scary Now that the Indiana Supreme Court thinks its okay for police to conduct illegal searches, one Indiana sheriff is okay with random house to house searches...just because  (mikechurch.com) (420)
(Some Tom) Fail Loaded shotgun? Check. Hunting turkeys in a tree stand? Check. Fark headline? (hint: Pennsylvania)  (wtae.com) (41)
(Some Guy) Asinine Apparently Moldovan conservatives are still holding a grudge over the Ottoman Empire  (rferl.org) (54)
(NewsOK) Unlikely Burglary suspects explain they weren't breaking into a business to rob stuff, they were merely looking for a place to have sex  (newsok.com) (12)
(The Sun) Interesting Reporter gets the chance to ride along on British nuclear sub, cuddled up in his bunk with a torpedo. The Sun is there, you just can't see it  (thesun.co.uk) (27)
(Canoe) Sad Winklebook™ is not to be  (cnews.canoe.ca) (41)
(9 News) Amusing Strip club texts 13-year-old boy, asking if he wants to "come and celebrate Osama bin Laden's death with free cover and free drafts". Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this  (9news.com) (86)
(WSB TV) Amusing Carpet cleaning company applies for business license under the name 'Rug Suckers'. The state spells their name incorrectly. See if you can guess how the state spelled it  (wsbtv.com) (153)
(Science Daily) Obvious Binge drinkers not member what said you good now  (sciencedaily.com) (25)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Harrowing tales of WWI Captain revealed after being hidden in wardrobe for 40 years. Someone really should have told him the war was over  (dailymail.co.uk) (29)
(Yahoo) Strange China's weaponized watermelon program appears to be a huge success  (news.yahoo.com) (40)
(The New York Times) Scary NATO helicopter and Pakistan ground troops exchange gunfire at Afghan border. Nothing to see here, just move along  (nytimes.com) (92)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this peculiar passenger  (online.wsj.com) (17)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Super Cowboy USA Hot Dog Rocket Ship American Cleaners Number One  (myfoxdc.com) (96)
(Evening Express) Cool Driving lesson goes horribly, awesomely wrong  (eveningexpress.co.uk) (31)
(SILive.com) Amusing She really wanted to get into the HOV lane, so she gave birth at the bridge toll  (silive.com) (5)
(wtsp.com) Florida What do red bull, a pregnancy test, and royal wedding magazines have in common?  (springhill.wtsp.com) (28)
(WFTV) Florida If this man really was a ninja robber, why can we see his mugshot?  (wftv.com) (21)
(USA Today) Spiffy Great news, Apple fans: you won't have to pretend to not care about not having a USB port on your iPhone for very much longer  (content.usatoday.com) (165)
(Some Guy) Fail "Go on, let me borrow your Lamborghini. It's 2am, what's the worst that can happen?"  (swns.com) (35)
(Google) Spiffy The most detailed play-by-play of the bin Laden mission yet, which debunks pretty much everything every "concerned" armchair warrior has been bleating about it  (google.com) (238)
(USA Today) Obvious 70% percent of Americans say expensive gas is a financial hardship and is straining their families. The other 30% blame it on the dog  (usatoday.com) (204)
(Hartford Courant) Followup Worlds first full-face transplant gives press conference, kills Nicholas Cage  (courant.com) (52)
(LA Times) Strange Geez, the Doc always told me it was the DT's  (latimes.com) (18)
(Some Guy) Obvious Anti-nudity law makes it illegal to breast feed your fourteen-year-old in public  (wsbtv.com) (115)
(MSNBC) Interesting Queen Elizabeth II "F**k off I'm the queen"  (msnbc.msn.com) (111)
(Some Guy) Florida It's like the Elian Gonzales saga all over again, only entirely different  (610wiod.com) (17)
(Chicago Tribune) Misc Bishop to new job, 4  (chicagobreakingnews.com) (24)
(KPHO) Scary Words you don't want to hear in the same sentence: "Harley-Davidson" and "death wobble"  (kpho.com) (293)
(Some Guy) Followup Police are having difficulty finding the suspect with tattooed "hearts under his eyes, a large number 5 on his neck, the Virgin Mary on his arm and a pit bull biting a dollar sign on his shoulder/neck"  (610wiod.com) (35)
(LA Times) Misc Man convicted of shipping hundreds of live tarantulas by mail to the United States  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (39)
(MLive.com) Obvious Solar farm in Michigan exceeds all expectations on production and income and is promptly taxed into the red  (mlive.com) (213)
(Huffington Post) Followup The reason for the hasta la vista? Baby  (huffingtonpost.com) (195)
(Some Guy) Sad This happened incredibly close to subby's house. Please help to identify him. Someone must know who this five-year-old boy is  (sanford.wcsh6.com) (133)
(Some Guy) Interesting Hot news story asks a burning question... How old is too old for a woman to wear a bikini?  (kpho.com) (346)
(Huffington Post) Stupid Barnes & Noble and Borders censoring magazine cover featuring topless MALE model Andrej Pejic because "he looks too much like a woman" (with pic)  (huffingtonpost.com) (258)
(WYFF) Dumbass Woman throws flaming cotton balls at police officers -- then things get weird  (wyff4.com) (30)
(Some engineers in galoshes) Scary Obligatory before/after photos of Morganza Spillway being opened. This is a repeat from 1973, hopefully  (pbs.org) (27)
(Indiana Gazette) Fail Bad: Your car catches on fire. Worse: Your house catches on fire. Fark: Because you forgot to turn off the stove when you went outside to check on your burning car  (indianagazette.com) (24)
(The New Republic) Sick To celebrate the beatification of Pope John Paul II, the Vatican parties with Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe. You're doing it wrong  (tnr.com) (54)
(British Airways) Photoshop Photoshop this jet sitter  (first-stop.org) (18)
(Don't Cross the Yellow Line Guy) Asinine Illinois Rules of the Road: If you are fighting in the middle of a highway, oncoming traffic still has the right of way  (bnd.com) (23)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Fake doctor used toothpicks for acupuncture treatment. What a prick  (suntimes.com) (56)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Apparently you can call 911 to summon help even when you're in the U.K  (dailymail.co.uk) (75)
(Hartford Courant) Florida OB/GYNs enforce "no fat chicks" rule to make their job the BEST. JOB. EVER.  (courant.com) (309)

Mon May 16, 2011
(Some Guy) Dumbass Taking the kids on a drug run? Avoid flagging down the cops after you get robbed  (y100.com) (27)
(My Fox Dallas) Strange Head, arm found near chainsaw. Police stumped  (myfoxdfw.com) (52)
(wbtv.com) Scary In one of the more obscure golf rules, it turns out that getting attacked by a rabid fox is a two-stroke penalty  (hickory.wbtv.com) (40)
(The New York Times) Asinine Today's grandparents don't want to be called "Grandma" and "Grandpa," because it reminds them that they're ... you know  (nytimes.com) (209)
(UPI) Obvious Lower hearing aid costs do not induce people to get one, according to blind study  (upi.com) (42)
(Daily Mail) Cool Things your hotel doesn't have: Kama Sutra room, basket of love toys, professional orgasm coach  (dailymail.co.uk) (55)
(Huffington Post) Dumbass In the latest episode of Stupid Baby Names: Like  (huffingtonpost.com) (156)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this outdoor orange  (first-stop.org) (22)
(CSMonitor) Cool Endeavor crew poses for Star Trek inspired poster. Yes, it's that awesome  (csmonitor.com) (107)
(Some Fat Guy) Fail And the winner of "Most Obese Metro Area in the U.S." is...Evansville, Indiana. Please waddle down and accept your chocolate-covered cream cheese bacon custard donut, fatty  (courierpress.com) (122)
(Canoe) Scary 27 people Guatemauled  (cnews.canoe.ca) (53)
(NYPost) Ironic NYC hipsters now taking their talents to technically-illegal canal houseboats, with majestic views of abandoned factories, brownfields, and female hipsters stripping down to their thongs to sunbathe  (nypost.com) (178)
(Denver Post) Strange Officials make a point of announcing new home for pencil sharpener museum  (denverpost.com) (11)
(Toronto Sun) Hero Three tubers are Ore-Ida, thanks to rescuers  (torontosun.com) (13)
(The New York Times) Obvious Up next at eleven: more education results in more money and less fundamentalism. Rick Rimero has the story  (nytimes.com) (110)
(Herald Sun) Sick Is that a needle in your pocket or are you just Hep C to see me?  (heraldsun.com.au) (31)
(UPI) Strange Dead rabbit found in school urinal -- after kids kept going and going and going  (upi.com) (30)
(Piedmont Triad / WFMY News 2) Sad Carnival worker falls to his death from Ferris wheel. If you can guess how much he weighs, you win a teddy bear  (digtriad.com) (25)
(truTV) Scary When the universe ends on Saturday, we'll look back and realize these loonies were right  (trutv.com) (84)
(Piedmont Triad / WFMY News 2) Dumbass Today's "woman comes home to find a strange drunk dude in her bed" story brought to you by Eden, NC. With bonus pic of what a drunk dude who ends up in your bed would look like  (digtriad.com) (19)
(PaneraLovinFool) Hero Dumb business move: Open a Panera Bread location and allow people to pay 'whatever they want' - anything extra goes to charity. Result: Lots of profit and lots of $$$ to charity  (ksdk.com) (91)
(Some Guy) Amusing Anonymous source confirms UFO invasion has been scheduled for May 22. I want to /b/lieve  (ghosttheory.com) (78)
(The Week) Cool A look back at the life and flights of space shuttle Endeavour  (theweek.com) (7)
(Spiegel) Obvious "Sex addiction" is a condition invented by conservative moralizers, your mom  (spiegel.de) (99)
(Some Carny) Scary Why do we call this ride 'The Zipper'? Because if we called it 'The Hurl Your Teenage Kids Off Of A Fifteen Foot High Platform' you probably wouldn't buy as many tickets  (wwltv.com) (84)
(Some Guy) Weird Fat, hallucinating, and stabbing yourself with a cordless drill is no way to go through life, son  (temecula.patch.com) (17)
(JSOnline) Asinine You know how to signal a right turn. You know how to signal a left turn. You know how to signal not turning. What? You don't? Go to jail  (jsonline.com) (92)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Alleged victim of previous rape attempt by IMF chief comes forward, describes him as a "rutting chimpanzee"  (dailymail.co.uk) (65)
(AZCentral) Stupid Darwin swings, but whiffs - mother who can't swim nearly drowns trying to save child who wasn't drowning  (azcentral.com) (64)
(Austin News KXAN) Obvious A 'significant amount' of beer and tequila, a frying pan, and a bottle. What could possibly go wrong?  (kxan.com) (30)
(Mother Nature Network) Sad Six of the saddest zoos in the world. Your mom's bedroom not on the list  (mnn.com) (127)
(Washington Post) Spiffy Media reports that Sen. John Kerry gets some tail on overseas trip  (washingtonpost.com) (59)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Florida's one-teacher schoolhouse to remain open after cutting her pay to zero. DON'T GIVE WISCONSIN ANY IDEAS, FLORIDA  (sun-sentinel.com) (48)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida It kind of sucks when you're trying to launch a modeling and acting career and you have the same last name as a suspected domestic terrorist. "I've had a couple of people flip me the bird while I'm driving"  (sun-sentinel.com) (103)
(Telegraph) Obvious Experts blame rising funeral prices on cost of living  (telegraph.co.uk) (49)
(AZCentral) Misc Problem: How to rescue a 600 pound man from a fire. Solution: "roll him"  (azcentral.com) (90)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass If hotel staff finds your two-year-old wandering around naked and bleeding, maybe parenting just isn't your strong suit  (mcall.com) (70)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup IMF chief tries to sneak a peek under female judge's robes during proceeding today. Not really, but he was charged for raping the hotel maid  (thesmokinggun.com) (164)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Teacup chihuahua puppy terrorizes Utah councilman, so he shoots and kills it  (sltrib.com) (323)
(Ohio.com) Stupid Not News: Criminal returns to scene of crime. Fark: Criminal returns to KFC down the street from scene of crime  (ohio.com) (24)
(Some Supreme Court) Scary SCOTUS rules 8-1 that cops can create their own exigent circumstances to validate a warrentless search of a home (w/ awesome dissent by Ginsburg)  (supremecourt.gov) (694)
(Some Guy) Sick Maintenance worker notices a suspicious bulge in ceiling paint of animal shelter, unwisely chooses to pop it and see what comes out  (appeal-democrat.com) (94)
(Guardian.com) Scary How well is the upper class doing? If wealth disparities continue, they'll bring back the 'noble' and 'divine' classes  (guardian.co.uk) (301)
(Yahoo) Obvious The Vatican sends ground breaking new guidance to its bishops on how to deal with priests suspected of molesting children: Call the cops  (news.yahoo.com) (50)
(Breitbart.com) Sad One more for my Baby...And one more for the road. The Sahara is closing  (breitbart.com) (106)
(MSNBC) Obvious Learning how to not hate yourself for farking up turns out to be more important than those participation trophies your kid keeps bringing home  (msnbc.msn.com) (35)
(Dorset Echo) Weird Signs of the impending Rapture No. 1,003,712: Mutant chicken from HELL lays double egg inside egg  (dorsetecho.co.uk) (45)
(Herald Tribune) Florida It's fish in a barrel time as Florida deputies hunt for "demented" man  (heraldtribune.com) (27)
(Chicago Tribune) Strange Don't have a cow, man, but Bart Simpson is a Scientologist  (chicagotribune.com) (72)
(My Fox DC) Fail First the good news. Your house is bedbug free  (myfoxdc.com) (16)
(Yahoo) Sad In the wake of Bin Laden's death businesses all over the country are cashing in by selling SEAL merchandise, SEAL workout programs, and of course, SEAL Fantasy camps  (news.yahoo.com) (85)
(wtsp.com) Silly Not news: Protesters ready to take on the deliciously unhealthy restaurant "Heart Attack Grill." Fark: The cute waitresses dressed as nurses at said restaurant  (wtsp.com) (72)
(Local10) Unlikely New York's idea to slow traffic down will probably result in cars speeding up just to see skeletons in the crosswalk  (local10.com) (15)
(My Fox DC) Strange Brady Knowlton believes it is his inalienable right as a Texan to shove his bare hand into the mouth of a 60-pound (27kg) catfish and yank it out of a river  (myfoxdc.com) (43)
(wtsp.com) Stupid If someone's dog pees on your backpack while you're on the bus going to court, throwing it in the bushes outside the courthouse until you're done prolly isn't the best idea  (wtsp.com) (28)
(Some Guy With 100(10x10) Friends) Unlikely WOT's all this then? Facebook hoping to eliminate malicious links. Still no cure for duck pouts or myspace angles  (hs.fi) (23)
(TC Palm) Florida Man says bearded lady stole $2,800 and his wallet, prompting police to comb the streets  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (15)
(Some Guy) Cool Even Amtrak gets one right now and again. Woman thrown off train, arrested after screaming into cell phone for hours  (salem.katu.com) (204)
(Some Girl) Photoshop Photoshop this teal typewriter  (first-stop.org) (23)
(Daily Mail) Obvious This may come as a shock to you, but violence in the Mid-east has spread to Israel  (dailymail.co.uk) (96)
(Yahoo) Interesting Ireland prepares for its first-ever visit by a British monarch. Well, one that wasn't riding at the head of an invading army anyway  (news.yahoo.com) (56)
(Stuff) Strange Police arrest naked man who wouldn't keep his balls off passing cars  (stuff.co.nz) (10)
(My Fox DC) Obvious I always tear up at graduations...and weddings, birthday parties, elections, trips to the mall, while cleaning out the basement, in the car going through the touch-less carwash  (myfoxdc.com) (14)
(Denver Post) Strange You can still show your love without fear of coming down with horse herpes  (denverpost.com) (19)
(Yahoo) Misc Today's blindingly obvious headline: "Tweeting celebrities risk boring fans"  (news.yahoo.com) (32)
(News.com.au) Followup Rick Romero finally makes it to Brisbane Australia to let us know that alcohol was involved in that "plank" death  (news.com.au) (30)
(wtsp.com) Strange According to a police report, Majerus told officers that "she likes to throw fire at things when she gets scared"  (wtsp.com) (21)
(NJ.com) Interesting Forsaken New Jersey, like regular New Jersey but...I actually can't think of a 'but' there  (nj.com) (20)
(Some dog loving Guy) Interesting 99 Fun Facts About . . .Dogs  (facts.randomhistory.com) (118)
(Metromix) Followup Here's the latest round of girls who made the cut in the Buccaneers cheerleader tryouts. LGT well worth it gallery - maybe even better than last week's  (tampabay.metromix.com) (43)
(The Sun) Amusing Drunk Russian man can't get his call for help to go through using his Marlboro phone (with video)  (thesun.co.uk) (16)
(Yahoo) Sick Jury selection to begin today in case of girl who was raped by a member of her church and then forced to stand an apologize to the congregation for getting pregnant as a result. Angry mob selection to begin later today  (news.yahoo.com) (219)
(Iceland Review) Obvious Iceland's glaciers are shrinking, and will be gone in 200 years. Maybe. Especially if record snowfalls like this winter don't ever happen again  (icelandreview.com) (74)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Your Honor, I didn't know there were consequences to my actions  (orlandosentinel.com) (77)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Science proves women have two ways to be sexually satisfied: When she's alone, and when she's with someone who isn't you  (dailymail.co.uk) (155)
(MSNBC) Scary Cathay Pacific Flight CX715 Now Arriving at Gate 18... Gate 19... Gate 20  (msnbc.msn.com) (95)
(IndyStar) Obvious Study at the Ric Romero School of Media at Indiana University discovers that White Audiences do not believe they are the intended audience for Tyler Perry movies  (indystar.com) (100)
(AJC) Hero While receiving the Beacon of Change award at Sunday's Atlanta Braves game, Carlos Santana took the time to blast Georgia's racist immigration bill, saying "You should be ashamed of yourselves"  (ajc.com) (208)
(TMZ) Obvious Mr. Springfield, you're under arrest for driving under the influence. "Okay." We are going to have to tow your 1963 Corvette Stingray. "I will f*cking kill you"  (tmz.com) (75)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida The Drew Curtis presents Drew Curtis' Fark.com a Drew Curtis experience recreation center. Brought to you by the society to put Drew Curtis presents Drew Curtis' Fark.com a Drew Curtis production on everything © 2011 Drew Curtis  (sun-sentinel.com) (30)
(wtsp.com) Unlikely Nigerian man marries 107 women, fathers 185 children. "I get a revelation from God telling me any woman I'm going to marry. If it wasn't from God, I wouldn't have gone beyond two"  (wtsp.com) (49)
(The Raw Story) Cool Can't get off the couch in between marathon bong-ripping and doughnut-eating sessions? Science has the answer  (rawstory.com) (9)
(Some Guy) Obvious Romero Exclusive: "World NOT expected to end Saturday"  (mega949.com) (137)
(Globe and Mail) Scary Residents listened to emergency evacuation warnings until the local radio station burned down. Town officials had communicated largely through the community's website, but it stopped updating after the town hall burned down  (theglobeandmail.com) (27)
(wtsp.com) Florida State to ask jurors in a murder case to smell can of decomposed remains of the victim. Sick shakes Florida's hand and steps aside  (wtsp.com) (37)
(MSNBC) Followup IMF chief and rape enthusiast Dominique Strauss-Kahn undergoes forensic testing, rues the day he left the chocolate factory  (msnbc.msn.com) (58)
(Telegraph) Interesting Stephen Hawking says heaven doesn't exist, further developing David Byrne's theory that it's a place where nothing ever happens  (telegraph.co.uk) (444)
(SFGate) Asinine Step 1: Become a cop and run a brothel. Step 2: Close down competing brothels. Step 3: Profit  (sfgate.com) (25)
(Stuff) Spiffy Cat-door for carp hits fish invaders. Only in New Zealand  (stuff.co.nz) (12)
(Yahoo) Followup Ex-Afghan spy chief says he knew where Bin Laden was four years ago but couldn't get Pakistani officials to listen to him. Hey genius, next time how about dropping a dime to the AMERICANS, I guarantee you they'd have been all ears  (news.yahoo.com) (52)
(Some Guy) Florida You can now use the Florida Tag to get out of jury duty  (610wiod.com) (23)
(Boston Herald) Asinine Alimony payment $65 a week increased to $700 a week? It could happen to a Masshole unless law ending lifetime alimony is passed. Masshole trifecta now in play  (news.bostonherald.com) (163)
(WGAL 8) Fail Naked burglar pretends to be asleep, with predictable results  (wgal.com) (27)
(Boston Globe) Asinine Today's Masshole brought to you by the commuter rail agency who still gets bonuses when trains are delayed  (boston.com) (94)
(Some Older Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this dapper man  (first-stop.org) (31)
(SLTrib) Strange Mexico town's bizarre pointy boots creating a craze (w/ WTF pic)  (sltrib.com) (105)
(The New York Times) Weird Beautiful plumage notwithstanding, parakeets are taking over London  (nytimes.com) (64)
(Stuff) Hero Schools arrange secret abortions for teens. Surprisingly, some parents have a problem with that  (stuff.co.nz) (398)
(CNN) Interesting Outgoing SecDef Robert Gates on Obama and the Bin Laden raid: "This is one of the most courageous decisions that I think I've ever seen a president make"  (cnn.com) (723)
(3 News New Zealand) Amusing Naked and escaping police custody by crawling through the ventilation shafts in the hospital is no way to go through life, son  (3news.co.nz) (24)
(Daily Mail) Strange Newest way to make money: Charging neighbors to camp in your backyard (w/ picture of what a tent might look like)  (dailymail.co.uk) (27)
(UPI) Interesting Researchers find some educated women choose prostitution, where they earn more money than researchers  (upi.com) (362)

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