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Sun August 29, 2010
Not news: Glaciers are melting. News: Missing hiker found. Fark: He has been missing for 21 years and frozen in ice
You know your town is broke when the Mayor cracks down on illegal garage sales
Man steals chicken trailer, fails to fly the coop
You're a 24-year old man who wants to keep his 66-year old girlfriend from leaving. Do you C) slam the door on her hand, hit her on the head with pillows, and force her to kiss a picture of her dead husband?
Photoshop this rose bowl fan
We can now add "Doctors start to fight" to the list of things that can go wrong during childbirth
While the free world sleeps peacefully at night, an army of dolphins is the country's first line of defense
Six super-secret organizations and operations that exist all around you. Of course, now that you read this article and know of their existence, they'll have to kill you. Don't you think you should get the door now?
New food trend: beef from drunken cows
Q: What do alcohol, barbecues, gazebos and vuvuzelas all have in common? A: Pope Palpatine the XVIII says you're going straight to hell if you enjoy them around him
Should there be a separate seating area for kids on planes?
Thought "crackbook" was bad? Now Facebook wants to own your (and everyone else's) "face"
Frankenstein arrested at Toby Keith concert after threatening sheriff's deputies and destroying a police cruiser with his face
What happens when you give homeless people a prepaid credit card?
In a big surprise to no one, the Mississippi school has reversed their stance of race playing a part in the school elections. Hmmm, it's almost like it was planned from the start
God hates pepper spray
(Some Oven Glove)
Photoshop this woman watering
Chicago police and prosecutors bring in the leaders of west side gangs and tell them we know who you are and we will hold you responsible for any killings. Well...WHY NOT ARREST THEM THERE? JESUS CHRIST, THEY WERE IN YOUR GRASP
Constables promise to clean up "Cantinas" of scum and villainy, find the droids they're looking for
Now that she's got her money, Elin Nordegren wants to leave the kids with the nanny and spend the cash on a shopping spree in Paris. Just kidding. She's setting up a clinic providing mental-health counseling to underprivileged families
Want to see every near-earth object discovered since 1980? Pick one and watch your asteroid
LIFE magazine article from 1955 reads like The Onion today: "Embroiled in no war, impeded by no major strikes, blessed by almost full employment, the U.S. was delighted with itself and almost nobody was mad with nobody"
Woman who stalled her own divorce for five years bemoans New York becoming the final state to allow "no fault" divorces. Most posters in the comment section think what you're probably thinking (tag is for TFA's author)
Minor marijuana charge in high school makes man "morally unfit for today's army"
10,000 people have fled their homes in western Indonesia, where a volcano has erupted for the first time in 400 years. Government rushes support in to provide everyone with... masks?
After the levees broke and flooded almost the entire city, residents were forced to flee with just the clothes on their back while officials say the city may never recover. Sound familiar?
That's a nice restaurant idea you stole from me. Be a shame if any-ting happened to it
Son of former Nigerian prime minister kidnapped, the family is begging for your help. Email to follow with details
Study says fish oil doesn't help heart patients, refuses to admit bacon cures all wounds
Birth rates fall in the U.S. for the second year in a row due to people not farking as much, er, we mean the recession. Yeah, let's blame it on the recession
For some people, back to school means adding to a collection of 90 pairs of shoes. For others, it means having an excuse to publish pictures of spoiled teen girls
The print edition of the Oxford English Dictionary about to go the way of the dodo
Earl meet Danielle. Danielle, this is Earl. "Hey, Danielle, what's a nice hurricane like you doing in this part of the ocean? Hey, where are you going? I just got here"
If you happen to find a stray Tiger Snake (a type of rattlesnake) the Atlanta Zoo would appreciate a call
The long lived feud between the Hatrovs and the McCoyevs is finally over since neither side could remember why they were fighting
Five years ago, Hurricane Katrina rolled into New Orleans. And here was the Fark hurricane thread we all watched from when it did
Georgia's registry of sex offenders about as reliable as their 'rehabilitation'
Photoshop these soldiers carrying a Sky Sword
Man can't shuffle off his mortal coil
You know you'll never make it as a lawyer if you decide to represent yourself during a rape trial, and then fire yourself hours before the trial begins
"In one-fifth of a second, before the conscious mind has had a chance to react, the male brain has rendered judgment on whether the oncoming stranger is sexually hot"
Come visit the beaches of Washington, where the women are foot loose and fancy free
Judges ban the Church of the Madonna of the Orgasm from being given the same legal status as other sects. Damn it, subby was preparing for the Second Coming
69 cars involved in highway accident. Half were ass-end up
You want to remove my kidney through WHERE?
Man dies during flight to Milwaukee after realizing the plane is going to Milwaukee
Man dies in the corniest way possible
Thanks to Mad Men, 'nanna knickers' becoming popular. Say it ain't so
Dumb: Selling weed to someone. Dumber: Trying to rob the person you're selling the weed to. Dumbass: You planned on robbing him in order to use the money to buy cocaine from the guy you're currently robbing
Son, always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns, or you could end up like one of the five men that just got shot in Folsom Prison
Slow news day? You betcha. Loose goat in small Missouri town makes national news when it gets its own Facebook page. I wish I were kidding
Sat August 28, 2010
Photoshop this lunch by ladder
Judge: "That's something that I think Peter, Paul & Mary wrote. 'If I had a hammer'... I don't think they said I'd hit someone over the head with it." That's some good adjudicating there, Lou
Dozens of people gather to listen to eulogies and mourn as bad words are lowered in the gr..., wait, what?
Two teenagers attempt to light plastic container of gasoline on fire. They succeed
FedEx worker de-livered
Bad news: Man-eating monster squid on the loose in the Pacific. Worse news: Each female produces up to 30 million offspring. Fark: Please tell us you're squidding
This passes for art in New York these days: Woman is displaying a red ant farm where the ants are only fed McDonald's. "At press time, many of the ants were dead"
These men secretly switched this casino's $1 chips for $25 chips. Let's see if security can tell the difference
Strippers, fueled by Cheetos and nicotine, are counter-protesting a fundamentalist Christian church in Ohio. With pics of what Cheetos and nicotine fueled strippers may look like
Ethics commission unamused by judge's involvement with public defender, gifting her with his photo pasted onto copy of "1-Hour Orgasm". Dan Fielding files a friend of the court brief
Laid-off mom creates fragrances for tweens. Offerings: Skank, iFail, Desperation, EmoShun, I Can't Believe I'm Not Pregnant
Battle Of Britain vets take to the skies again, overcoming age, weight of BBBs
Asshat tourist suing state, tourism operators for failing to tell him about the inherent risks involved in running down a sand dune
Man finding it surprising easy to come to grips with his recent double hand transplant
Piranha in the Thames. The Sun is theeAAAAAAGGGHHHH
(Some Gate Valves)
Photoshop this standpipe
The most insensitive picture ever used to depict profound deafness
Gigantor the Cow or DailyMail has gotten better with Photoshop
(Times Herald Record)
Newburgh, NY bakers assemble world's largest cannoli, only to see it stolen by local thugs who leave behind world's largest gun
Nearly 400 trees will be planted over eight acres at the World Trade Center site, to honor the more than 2,700 homeless people who will be sleeping there
Nine words that don't mean what you think they mean. Yes, 'ironic' is in there. (Bonus: includes pics of women in bikinis reading books)
Key West. That's all
Next Saturday: Super Mega Joint Fark/Reddit Party at Dragon*Con. Special Guest Marian Call will be playing a set just for us. LGT original party thread
Convenience-store owner who gave a would-be robber money and food last year has died
"How my dishwasher's rinse-and-hold cycle saved my marriage," writes man with no real problems
Electric Company: since your buddy won't pay his bill we'll tack it on to yours
The future of beer: canned
Nike files patent for self-lacing "Back to the Future II"-style shoes. Only five more years till we get our hoverboards
It's your official "It's Saturday, let's hold competing political rallies" commentary thread. Bring popcorn
Fidel Castro: Osama Bin Laden is a US agent
Photoshop these textile tentacles
Police wait outside international IT company, and issue jaywalking tickets to employees walking to lunch. "I think it's just plain laziness of the folks that don't want to walk from one end to the other"
Just like World of Warcraft, Farmville might be the next internet fad that users have to seek treatment for at an addiction center as some users are spending over $100/month on the game and playing the game from dawn to dusk
One of New York's oldest and richest women is so old that her dad was actually insulted publicly by Mark Twain
Paris Hilton's preschool teaching days are over before they begin
(Photography Is A Right)
Random girl gets discovered in Times Square... Well her butt does anyway
(Some Bowling Guy)
Scottish politician goes bowling, tiny passenger hooks up for nine mile trip beneath engine. Kitten strikes it lucky, is spared by mechanics, bowls everyone over, pins hopes on being returned to owner's pocket for Caturday
Australian school apologizes after a child's costume raises a little Fuhrer
More than $25,000 in eyeglass frames stolen - again. Authorities are finding it hard to focus their investigation, as the motive remains fuzzy
Scuba diver follows Houdini's footsteps... kind of
Soldier who lost leg in battle denied disabled parking permit 'because he might get better'. "Tis but a scratch"
Five fastest growing occupations. Journalism and creative writing made the list. Just kidding: Number one is food preparation and serving
Fighter jet takes on 4,800 chickens. Guess who wins?
Car rams into yogurt shop. Where will everyone get their culture now?
Photoshop this rustic pool table
Have you been wondering whether that chick giving you a lap dance can carry on an intelligent conversation? Me neither, but The Sun is there to find out anyway
My bologna has a first name, It's C-O-C-A-I-N-E
Just another day at a construction site. A couple of guys taking a break, drinking a beer...while sitting on a torpedo
Fri August 27, 2010
Little boy turns into a dwarf because his mom had a bad hobbit of neglecting him
Today's missing person found in their own home surrounded by piles of their own filth brought to you by Las Vegas, Nevada
Two soccer moms brawl at awards ceremony. I'm sure that this was not their GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL, their G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GOOOOOOOOOOAL
Man cuts off penis at airport to avoid extradition, women
In an attempt to send anti-mosque advocates over the edge, NYC says the Muslim center could qualify for tax-free financing
Some days, you slap the carp; some days, the carp slaps you
Today's made-for-Fark headline: Parents Videotape Priest Having Sex with Teen Daughter
Norfolk Community Services Board just went ahead and fixed the glitch
A wife can usually expect to receive something shiny from her husband on their 10th anniversary, but normally it's not also sharp and pointy
I saw your mom in this week's Mugshot Roundup
Conde Nast tells Reddit they can't accept money for pro-pot legalization ads, so they decide to say "Fark you" to the man and run them for free
Company presses your ashes into vinyl when you die. Groovy
Medicare will now pay for you to be a twitchy douchebag to everyone around you
Remember, your court date to face meth charge does not include a "show and tell" portion so you might want to leave the rest of your stash at home
Former senator apologizes for comparing Social Security to "a milk cow with 310 million tits"
Uganda President: "There should be no room for intolerance because everyone is made in the image of God"
NJ Education Commissioner canned for sinking $400 million grant application asks to be fired so he can collect unemployment
Comedian files a lawsuit claiming he wasn't allowed to a house in a fancy neighborhood because of his race. I don't get it
Nutraloaf, a thick orange lump of spite with the density and taste of a dumbbell, could only be the object of Beelzebub's culinary desires
Stars & Stripes, the official newspaper of the US military asks: Is President Obama a Muslim?
Photoshop this daredevil
Bill Gates: "WTF, Dad?"
The smell of freshly cut grass is actually a plant distress call, which means we're all sadists and the trees might actually be trying to kill us. WHOOOOOOOOSH
Headline: 'Cannibal restaurant adverts turn German stomachs' Article: 'There is no confirmation at present that a so-called "cannibal restaurant" in Germany is anything other than imaginary.'
Not only is the couple being held for enslaving their renter and beating him, things are getting really serious with the investigation into illegal sub-letting of the house
Israel ready to destroy Lebanese army in four hours. Well, looks like they're licked
Doctor who claims "I'll treat you like you're my own family" in TV ads is arrested and barred from contacting his family after assulting his fourth wife
Only white kids are allowed to run for class president at a Mississippi school. This is not a repeat from 1960
Boeing's 787 Dreamliner will never get off the ground and threatens to take the entire company to the boneyard. That's some dream
"Five things to do with leftover wine." WTF is "leftover wine"?
Billion-dollar, million-plus-client Walmart discrimination suit might go to Supreme Court. With that math, that's about 750 dollars per client, 250 million for the lawyers. Hooray for justice
Man scalded by hot McDonald's coffee. But it's okay because he was trying to rob McDonald's
What does a guy who tries to steal six steaks and some pomegranate juice by putting them down his pants look like? This
While soldiers often engage in idle chat-chat to relieve the boredom of their jobs, no conversation that begins by observing how easy it would be to throw a grenade into a nearby crowd of civillians is going to end well
Your child is following a "mutant" form of Christianity
Unsurprisingly, Lamanites give Obama highest approval rating, Nephites the lowest
Man waiting for 'ghost train,' killed by real one
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Please disregard the previous message about our imminent crash. On the plus side, the first officer now knows what that button does
Ever wonder what that little letter on your airline ticket means? Well, basically it tells the airline personnel whether you are a cheapskate or a sucker and to treat you accordingly
It's Friday and that means Photo Fun. When not spending time in jail, what do these fine citizens do for a living? Contest ends at 6pm Eastern
Parents worried that Cee-Lo Green's song "F*** You," popular on Youtube, could be played on radio, allowing children to hear soul-crushing bleeps every 14 seconds
The juror that hung the jury on Blago selling the Obama Senate seat is not crazy
"But how many times do you urinate on an electric fence before you say, 'God, this is not a good thing for me to do?' "
Final Reminder - Fark Party In Cincinnati, Saturday, August 28th. LGT Party Thread
Six skippers who fished illegally are facing an investigation *****THIS***** big
(Somewhere in North Dakota)
Photoshop this bust of Bush
A tourist snapping photos of a Iranian sunrise is jailed and subjected to "white torture,", which, I don't know for sure, but I think involves brunch and Steely Dan music
You get arrested for beating up your wife. Do you use your one phone call from jail to: C) Call your wife in front of the cops and threaten to kill her when you get out?
Six awesome deities you wish your heathen, pagan, agnostic, atheist, protestant religion had
Florida woman accused of trying to hire one 'ex' to kill other 'ex'
America's Ten Dead Cities. Yep, that one hit by a major hurricane is there, and that other one that was hit by another major hurricane....and those two in Michigan
Everyone get ready to boycott Chicago over religious intolerance
Look, just because a reality show turned you down is no reason to turn to Al-Qaeda
Identification of 72 massacred Mexican migrants off to a rough start as officials argue which Juan to start with
Want to see the Afghanistan War from the Taliban side?
History student learns the hard way you always back data up on another computer
Photoshop this pyrotechnic trailer
Woman runs over and kills guy she thinks raped her. Since you are reading this here you know this didn't end well
Genius idea: avoid people discovering your meth lab by saying you need the chemicals to make bombs
You're a failure - now get over it
Japanese researchers develop touchable 3D TV images. "This technology could create a virtual museum," said researcher with a straight face
Thu August 26, 2010
In Iran, your [REDACTED] wants steak
Jimmy Carter secures release of American imprisoned in North Korea. Kim Jong Il was originally asking for a lot in return, but Carter talked him down to peanuts
Cholera outbreak kills 352. You probably don't want to try to ford the river or hunt for bison at this point
Couple fakes divorce to win new residence. YOU'RE TEARING ME APARTMENT
Farkettes: Want that big raise? Make sure to wash that vagina first
(Some Homeless Guy)
What's the world coming to when you can't even trust a homeless man to cash your forged checks?
BUILD The OCEAN FENCE, and BUILD IT NOW
Did you say you want to underground? DID YOU SAY YOU WANT TO GO UNDERGROUND? Cool...check this out
Several injured in hydrogen explosion. This is not a repeat from 1937
It appears that having an in-flight campfire was a *bad* idea
Parents in California will now be fined if their kids are caught skiing or snowboarding without a safety helmet
Man in black face and dark clothes found with a wig, a video camera, a loaded gun and a notebook detailing his daughter's every move in car says he was following her because he feared she wasn't making the right life choices
Photoshop this liberty light
"Gas leak evacuates Mexican restaurant"
"This is not about proving a point. This is about maintaining true to the American values," says Muslim soldier who refuses to deploy
Elderly woman gives officers a grenade instead of Werther's Originals
It was such a shame, the rug really tied the room together
"By 8 am I was calling FEMA, telling them 'your keys are on the propane tank, your trailer's full of shiat, and it's all yours now, babycakes.'"
Gas station owner programs pump to say "AN AMERICAN COMPANY. NO TERRORIST GAS." Hilarity ensues
Tobacco, Lindy Hop banned from college
What if they had a roadside DUI check and nobody failed it?
If you left your Delaware registered yacht with Mexican flag called "Makin Waves" running, beached, police would like a word with you. In Florida
Woman recovering from surgery after getting "Blackberry Thumb"
Bull delivers eloquent, reasoned retort to the merits of modern bullfighting
Long-haired freaky kids need not apply for Texas school. Imagine that, huh
Even the insurgents who actively fought US troops after the invasion aren't totally thrilled to see them go now
How to make a small fortune by investing in an NFL team. Step 1: Start with a large fortune
Recent Shark sighting in Mass. downgraded to "asshat with a fake fin stapped to his back"
There's stupid, then there is "shoplift from a store hosting a police charity event" stupid
Nutrisystem's scienticians show that Americans would rather be skinny than get laid. What is the opposite of obvious?
Critics are divided on whether Glenn Beck's choice of location and date for his latest rally means he's a clueless dipshiat or a racist one
Gotham finally safe from Catwoman's reign of terror
City of Atlanta: "We're combating theft by spraypainting copper equipment, making it easier to recognize." Thieves: "Well thanks. That saved us some time in finding it"
"Nearly 700 kids exposed to sex offenders". I see what you did there
"Animal control officers received a call from an east Greeley resident who said a turkey was knocking on their front door"
Woman's body left in a hearse for nine days. Driver apologizes to family, says he's not a mourning person
US to Afghan President: You have to stop the massive corruption in your government. Karzai: okay I'll nail this guy, even though he's a top aide. US: uhh, yeah, he's kinda on the CIA's payroll, could you pick someone else?
Woman caught masturbating while driving. With anti-climactic mugshot pic
Psychic Practitioner arrested for Meth lab. If only he saw that coming
You're 10 and already "really familiar" to the cops. You're denied a new BB gun so you throw a fit, hit an employee, pound on the door and when the cops show up you throw your bike damaging the cruiser. Bonus: no charges
Bride and groom arrested at the altar. Whew, just in time
Everything you know about Kobe beef is wrong
Photoshop this rural ramp
Airline posts a photo of its crashed plane burned to a crisp on its homepage, doesn't realize this is generally not a good PR move
Woman found dead on wedding day. Now they just have to find something old, something new and something borrowed
Possible British spy found dead. But he was also a bicyclist so suspects could number in the millions
You're probably violating some HOA rule or another if you leave your portable methamphetamine lab cooking in your condo's breezeway
"Detective Bryan Yant is under investigation for apparently lying about drugs he didn't seize and actions he didn't take during a 2009 police raid that never happened"
"Could you loan me ten dollars but just give me five? That way you'll owe me five, I'll owe you five, and we'll be even"
Today's quintessential Fark-ready headline: "Blow For Bishop As Orgasm Church Flops"
Ever wondered what the medical equivalent of taking a photo of your big catch is? Well consider today your lucky day (warning: graphic image)
School administrators fail to properly proofread 2010 yearbook. Because you're reading this on Fark, you can safely assume that something bad slipped through
Police to fraud and burglary victims: "Leave us alone, we've got more important crap to deal with"
Photoshop this desert rat
Our light rail is so smooth, you'll sleep all the way to the end of the line. The guy fondling you? That's just a bonus
Woman sues McDonald's after daughter is burned with hot chocolate. Look lady - it's called HOT Chocolate. Not "Luke Warm Chocolate" or "Refreshingly Room Temperature Chocolate". Hot. H-O-T
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 277: "The Book of Armaments" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed August 25, 2010
(Ultimate Clear Lake)
The boulder from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" strikes again
State Department confirms Obama was dual citizen of U.K. & U.S. (1961-1963), dual citizen of Kenya & U.S. (1963-1982), dual citizen of Planet X & Galactic Confederacy (75 million B.C-2012)
Several weeks ago, the Iranian air force shot down three unmanned drones near its Bushehr nuclear reactor. Were the drones: a). American. b). Israeli. c). Iranian
NYC taxi driver stabbed by racist teabag- wait, student at the School for Visual Arts? Really?
Chile to trapped miners: Don't get fat down there. Also, please record songs and create works of theatre for your families. Chile to families: For GOD'S SAKE, don't tell them it'll be four months
Photoshop this jet landing over Mahó Beach, St. Maarten
Patrons have hair-curling experience as van crashes through beauty salon. Ten injured. Luckily, no one dyed
Does that say FRIED BEER?
Those potentially contaminated recalled eggs will be disposed of by: A) Hazmat teams, B) Incinerators, or C) Converted to a paste to be used in cookies and pet food
You know you're staying at a crappy hospital when they make you mop up your room after you just got a c-section
Lesbian Hooters waitress model greenlight
Liked Enemy of the State? Good, because it's coming soon to a house near you: your own, in fact
Man has 2.8 million miles on his '66 Volvo. That's the equivalent of a '56 Ford. I mean, 56 Fords
Critics say forcing female inmates to spread open their genitalia so guards can inspect for contraband only inflicts needless suffering, male fantasies
McDonald's warns that using "Mc" in any part of a name can confuse people into thinking Sardinian pasta is a cheeseburger
IRS: "Hey hipster...please pay us the $172 million you owe us in taxes." Hipster: "What is the IRS?"
Mayo Clinic finds "to their dismay" they've been researching the wrong cancer cells. Still no cure for...well you know
250 Mayfield, Kentucky residents cheer as zoning board denies petition to build a mosque
Saudi Arabian man finally nails his maid
Cops may park in a handicapped spot in an emergency, and needing a cruller is always an emergency
Christian Broadcasting Network warns that most of the candy sold during this Halloween season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. Silver Shamrock unavailable for comment
The world's horniest Amish men busted for having sex with relatives, children, a horse, and a cow. If this buggy's a rockin'
How do you train a dog to find bed bugs? Apparently, you just show him a picture
From the "We've all wanted to do it" file. Man gets drunk and fires round after round into the company server
Australian teacher assigns "Plan a chemical or biological terrorist attack in Australia" project to students. Difficulty: You can't use native Australian wildlife
Hero teen rescues drowning boy. Fark: hero now owes $2,000 for "precautionary" medical bills
The $14.5 billion US Census asked your national origin. But it didn't ask if you were a US citizen. An estimated 20 million illegal immigrants were counted as citizens
Police take stolen car report while said stolen car cruises by them. There. That was easy
Vagina tree in Thailand tempts locals to Bangkok
What to pack if you're planning to attend Burning Man. Penicillin conspicuously missing from list
(Some Conspiracy Theorist)
Retired FBI agent now claiming Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill JFK. In related story sales of Reynolds Wrap skyrocket
Halliburton engineer says he warned BP seal might fail, suggested using a shark would be more reliable
You know who doesn't like you cutting into their business? Lawyers, politicians, the mafia, and morticians
Photoshop this woman waiting
One BBC reporter's story of the day he decided to eat as many Es as possible
Police are having a hard time finding stabbing suspect in west Michigan because he looks a lot like everyone else in west Michigan
If you long for the good old days when people weren't constantly yapping on their cell phone or sending text messages, then move to Manhattan
The dog ate my homework. Oh, and my arm, too
Man gets severely injured in car crash. Wakes up in hospital, surprised to learn he is being prepped for cancer surgery. Attempts to leave, immediately receives beatdown from two security guards
Officer Big Mac busts The Grimace snoozing in the drive-thru lane
Another gem from the Nuge: "There's a lot of white people in this crowd -- I like that (Dubuque) is a white town"
Man gets stabby upon finding his cab driver is a Muslim. Religion of peace gets struck again
The UK had an egg salmonella problem until it mandated vaccinating hens. But here in the US, "government regulation is evil," so we didn't. Enjoy your breakfast
"and here's us visiting the second largest ball of cheese in North America, and Oh Look, this is us using the camera's self-timer to pose in front of the state capitol, while a thief steals my purse in the background
Man sets world record by spending 114 days with 40 dangerous snakes, beating the previous record held by a congressional staffer
Writing "OK" where it says "Do not write below this line" on the Race To The Top application may have cost NJ $400 million
Apple manager, who is totally not guilty of taking kickbacks, just happened to have $150K stashed in shoe boxes
Five million men suffer from menopause. The rest are too scared of their wives to complain
Air traffic controller: "Yeah, you're clear." Pilot: "But I think we see four..." Controller: "Nah, you're fine. Uhh... hello?"
If somebody disturbs you during your break in, it's not a particularly good idea to leave a camera behind. Especially if the only thing on it is a video of you doing the nasty
Woman steals infant automobile
"Beat Whitey Night" at the Iowa State Fair has authorities concerned such activities could spread to Teabagger rallies, NASCAR events, and James Taylor concerts
Bad things happen when you argue with your bicycle
School: We told you we would drop your kid off. Mother: Yeah, but I assumed it would be at his house
Apparently, it's not okay to wear a BBQ while riding a motorcycle
How the hell do you pick up the wrong kid from an elementary school?
Photoshop this rocket launch
The man recalled he had received a blow to the head around midnight at a New Year's party "in 2004 or 2005", but had forgotten about it because he had been "very drunk"
Chiropractor accused of masturbating and ejaculating on woman's back. In other news, a chiropractor actually did something to someone's back
A swastika the size of a tennis court is trampled into a German cornfield, commemorating the 1000-Ear Reich
Finally, something useful from The Consumerist: A helpful, handy guide that shows you how to tip properly
Self-described former CIA assassin comes out of retirement for one final kill
The most serious breach of US military computers happened in 2008, when CENTCOM's network was penetrated by a foreign intelligence service.The cause? "Hey, free flash drive"
Fat chicks in MY Hooters? It's more likely than you think
Photoshop this for fun fight
If you manage to escape the police by swimming across a river, just keep running. Don't stop at a bar for a beer
Tue August 24, 2010
A woman, a tap, a pain, ketamine, a plan, $3 million: MANALAPAN
Giant panda learns how a birthday cake works
Scottish D-Day bagpiper dies. Family devastated. Neighbors relieved
Nuns donate their brains to Alzheimer's research in an attempt to show the disease's causes not genetically black and white, but may also be influenced by habits
Rudy Giuliani takes in minor league baseball game between two New York teams. Asked one question, "which team would he be rooting for?" Guess his answer. Go ahead, guess
(Some Guy from 1977)
Photoshop this seated spaceman
Interactive look at what remains of the Earth's resources...EVERYBODY PANIC...no, seriously, everbody panic
20 bottles of tea on the wall, 20 bottles of tea... That's how many bottles of expensive frou-frou high fructose bottled tea it takes to get the same amount of healthy antioxidants found in one cuppa home brewed tea
Sherrod prefers being on unemployment while she works on a book deal
John Goodman and Peter Griffin had a baby, and it just told a TSA agent it has a bomb in its belly
Bail bondsmen: you are not allowed to force someone into sexual slavery in exchange for bailing them out of jail. Especially if you look like this dude
Selfless behavior is considered alienating, creepy, weak
Like a politician after an election, today is National Waffle Day. Please celebrate responsibly
Indigenous people fight to protect sacred land from foreign mining efforts. It's like Avatar without the Hollywood ego and awkward blue cat sex scene
Gold museum that lets visitors handle the gold has a gold bar stolen. AU NOES
Snob zoning laws forbid man to build house on his lot so instead he opens up the land as a nature park for homeless people
NJ Dept. of Corrections concludes that it's probably a good idea to keep an eye on kids during Family Day at a prison for sex offenders
A school district in California wants to keep its students from juicing...in Math club and band
Dumb things Americans believe...in article from dumb magazine almost no one reads
Cats attacking helicopters, the most dangerous of the thrown pies, and a question about the Beaver's hair: Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/15 - 8/21
Driver's Ed students suck four times worse at driving
(Rabbi Sal Rosenbergstein)
With the state budget in shambles, and the highest cigarette taxes in the nation, NY figures out a new way to plug the hole: Tax NYC bagels. Oh, it's on Albany, it's on
Honolulu is famous for its sand, surf, and mountains of shrink-wrapped garbage that have been baking in the sun for the last five months
When you earn the nickname "Eyeborg", you too will be as awesome as this guy
The woman who dumped a cat in a garbage bin has been found and is now under "police protection". Protection as in "listing her occupation and what town she works in" in a news article
Remember the story about those wacky Chinese, trying to cover up landfill odors with giant perfume trucks? Yeah, New Jersey's doing it now
You know who else had Jewish and African roots?
California apologizes for mistreatment of Italian residents during WWII. So fuggedaboutit already
Best President on way to best Korea to free imprisoned best citizen
We need to discuss your disability welfare money sir, do you mind climbing down from that tree, please?
How do we kill the Asian Carp in the Chicago river? Throw alligators in the river. How do we get rid of the alligators? Throw in some swimming gorrillas. And then we're stuck with gorrillas? In the winter they'll simply freeze to death
In this corner we have a prairie rattlesnake on the porch. And in this corner a 79-year-old woman with an ice chipper. Let's get ready to rumblllllllllllleeeeee
Investigation finds that authorities covered up involvement of religious leader in sectarian terror bombing
"I'm sorry you have fallen and can't get up. I'm a black nurse and you left specific instructions for only white nurses to touch you"
Woman complains to the police about her harassing ex-boyfriend, leaves the station with 56 missed calls
Mom, dad and daughter...all arrested at the same DWI checkpoint
Photoshop this feat of strength
(Give him a break)
Hero: You rescue a teenager from drowning. Problem: You have a warrant, so you use a fake name: Fark: Your grandmother sees the "mistake" and calls the newspaper to correct it. TotalFark: The newspaper tells the cops
"The situation for Elizabeth Athenia Progris didn't improve when a bag of generic Xanax tumbled 'from her genital area.'" Bonus: booking photo
Maine's former top prosecutor earns himself one last guilty verdict. His own
Taxi drivers might want to charge you an arm and a leg, but if you negotiate well enough you can usually get them down to just a leg
I like big breasts, and I cannot lie. So my right to shop you will deny
Human remains found on Mt. Hood. How this is different than any other year in Oregon is still not certain
Meet the most allergic woman in Britain
Legendary bird tracker hit by freight train. Vows to never again purchase anything from ACME
"The officer asked if the male knew he was urinating on the Methodist church. He replied, 'I'm Catholic'"
'Pain Beam' to be installed in LA jail. Another reason to never go to jail
Missouri abortion law requires women be told life begins at conception, preferably told to them by a man dressed as Jesus riding a dinosaur
Photoshop this garden gnome
When trying to copy Starsky and Hutch by trying to jump your Rover hatchback over 30 feet of water, remember they were doing it on controlled Hollywood sets with professional stuntmen and you're just a dumbass
Man involved in land dispute sues group of attorneys for $38,000,000,000,000,000 because "THEY ARE IN DEFAULT AND THEY KNOW IT"
Cash for Clunkers a) saved the auto industry b) saved Americans thousands on new, energy efficient cars c) destroyed millions of usable used cars, driving up the cost of buying one
Mon August 23, 2010
Italian court rejects case of Mom who said her teenage boys were "troubled" by the sight of a 26-year-old woman rubbing lotion on her big boobies
Amityville Horror house having a moving sale. Items such as exorcist equipment, furniture, GET OUT, plates, etc
You know your personal finances are bad when they're mocked by a 31 year old mother of seven living in public housing
Air bag technology has made it safer for equestrian riders who fall off their horses. That is super, man
Attractive and successful comment on receipt gets pizza delivery driver fired
Brad Pitt is all about one thing, and one thing only. Killin' BP executives
Photoshop this man and his stones
Dead body found at mall, apparently the victim of a price slashing
Fark helps discover the worst song in the history of recorded music
SeaWorld fined $75,000 for feeding Shamu a trainer
100 mph crash caught on tape, shuts down Interstate 675
Actual headline: "Owner Of Empire State Bldg. Blasts New Tower"
"Thats the girl he was f*cking"
Dead giveaways that a bromance could be brewing between a guy and his bestie w/ checklist
(Eating Our Words)
Bananas and 7 other naturally radioactive foods the media will drive you into a frenzied panic about eating
Not news: blogger rips into the Chicago Police Department for being "twisted into paralysis by incompetent leadership, self-serving politics and corruption." News: he's a lieutenant on the force. FARK: Who may lose his job over it
Your honor, I will be representing myself in this matter. Additionally, I object to you allowing me to act as my own counsel
Leaving fresh fruit in bed can cause scarring for life, bananaphobia
Company busted for Medicaid fraud involving penis pumps for women. That is her bag, baby
Been fired? Why not hijack a bus full of tourists, that's absolutely certain to work
Art museums warned to take drastic measures to protect their collections, such as actually turning on the alarms
Colleges are beginning to hold separation ceremonies to pry overprotective parents off students' backs
Modern-day birth control pills don't just prevent pregnancy. They also prevent moodiness, irritability, feeling anxious, bloating, fatigue, headaches, muscle aches, and acne. When they're not killing you, that is
What do Reagan, Gandhi, and Lady Godiva have in common? Ah, lists are overrated anyway
150 year-old tree written about by Anne Frank collapses in heavy winds. Bet she never saw that coming
Man who attempted to practice a "robbery drill" with his wife forgets to unload gun first, ends up adding "first aid drill" and "airlift to hospital" drill to the list
Reports say North Korea has developed camouflage materials such as stealth paint to hide its warships, tanks or fighter jets from foreign reconnaissance satellites. Well it's either that or they've all been disassembled for food
A dying wife, a convicted felon, and a burger with onions
Two-foot-long alligator found hiding under NYC car. It was apparently subletting it for $1500 a month
Photoshop this man outnumbered
Boston police special operations team successfully subdues empty apartment
TV star reveals his own motoring policies. This is the same man who drives a taxi with a mannequin in the back and once drove at 300km/h while naked
Conservatives in congress ready to pass a second stimulus package amounting to 680 billion dollars. To 'stimulate' what you might ask? The richest 1% of Americans, that's what
Monitoring of new superbug called for by WHO...or is it WHOM?
What did we bring to Iraq by toppling Saddam Hussein's reign of terror? Porn. Lots and lots of porn. (psst...you're welcome)
Texas church organizes National Facebook Fast, asks people to distance themselves from technology. Iran scoffs, claiming to have implemented that policy 30 years ago
Salt Lake City loses power after the soul-harvesting repositories in several temples malfunction
Swedish MP and advocate of drug testing is happy to submit to one himself. Right up until he finds out which drugs will be tested for
Man loses arm wrestling match and does what anyone in his situation would have done: gets in his truck and tries to run down a group of people, then puts a rifle to the head of the winner
The next time you complain about the traffic on your trip into work, remember this phrase: "The traffic jam is expected to last for almost a month"
Camel milk expected on European shelves next year. Promoters claim it makes great sheiks
Man held in golf club kitchen murder after executing a particularly bad slice
Fark-ready headline of the day: "Minneapolis will pay $165,000 to zombies"