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Sun August 23, 2009
If you tossed out a live 120mm tank round in your trash yesterday, Cocoa, Florida police would like a word with you
Scientists link drinking a beer a day to cancer, recommend drinking Coors instead
Beer, check. Snacks, check. Bulldozer, check. Let's get this party started
Information for those interested in donating to the widow and children of Farker Arelas, who was killed in an automobile accident Thursday. LGT earlier thread
Photoshop Theme: Before and After
Greece fire still burning out of control
TV Station's Website thoughtfully includes picture of what a drowning victim might look like
NY rabbis dishing out kosher justice may soon have to answer to a higher authority -- state court judges
Not news: Russia bans 'extremist material.' Fark: Including Winnie the Pooh
Coming to NASA TV on Monday: a special message from Stephen Colbert. Can we do this every launch, guys?
Man fired for harassment after repeating a Seinfeld joke. "You are so good looking"
Authorities seek help in catching killer of giant Montana grizzly. "This was no Boo-Boo."
Next month Libyan President Moammar Khadafy will live in a large, air-conditioned tent on the lawn of a home in a New Jersey suburb. "I think having a terrorist living next door would be devastating, and I'd consider moving"
Apparently there are rules to office dating. Who knew?
Forget Usain Bolt - this guy did 100m in 8 seconds flat. The three-ton hippo chasing him took second place
(Some peeping tom)
Report claims men spend just a year of their lives staring at women. I guess they aren't including when the blinds are half drawn or with sunglasses on
Five dead after plane surrenders to gravity in southern France
Well, at least this explains how the elves make all those toys, and why they're so small
Photshop this lakeside ritual dance
Design firm offers 'teen-proof' room complete with carpeting, walls and ceiling that resists stains
55-year-old man, with a nice alcohol habit, swims the entire length of the Amazon in 66 days, braving sharks and snakes, as well as larvae burrowing into his skin
FBI Director Robert Mueller biatch slaps Scotland's Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill for releasing the Lockerbie terrorist
The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents? This is a repeat from 1970
39 year old man steals painting of Virgin Mary from church to pay for underage girlfriend's abortion, First Class aisle seat to Hell
Before doing your pepper spray practice outside you may want to make note of the wind direction
Nanny State bans black sheep, dark days, gentlemen's agreements, right-hand men, and master bedrooms
"I want someone who's nice, goodlooking, rich and, well, I want it all. Is that possible?"
Photoshop this board combo
Meet the identical twins with different astrological signs. That might not make sense, but remember, these "scientists" don't even know if a meteor is going to wipe us all out tomorrow
Being drunk, high, and arrested for robbery while wearing a Speedo is no way to go through life, son
(Some Thirsty Guy)
Want to screw up a Mayoral block party? Hand out fake fliers to the homeless saying there will be free beer
Woman accidentally hits child with riding lawnmower. Oh Deere
(F L O R I D A)
Oh, the few manatees
Sat August 22, 2009
See. See plane. Seaplane crash
Body found in Deadman Lake. How could they not see that coming?
Those hoopy froods in the graphics department at the New York Times have no clue where Arizona or Nevada is
The Enicycle. Want
After carrying his 2 year-old sister to safety, 11 year-old runs back into burning house to save the rest of his family
From the You-Gotta-Be-Shiattin'-Me Department: "Drum circles emerging as effective therapy method"
Photoshop these shade-seeking spectators
The water soluble bikini in action. (Don't worry, the Not safe for work version is hidden behind a second link)
Ugly-ass baby baboons amuse the crowd at Hamburg zoo with their ugly-ass shenanigans (w/pics)
My boyfriend gets outrageously drunk and gropes everyone in sight everytime we go out. Should I ditch him?
He must be a Farker. Accused of stealing 400 year old book by Shakespeare, man shows up to court in a horsedrawn carriage with bagpipes playing
Cutest-ass OM NOM NOM faces you'll see today
The burger that's so hot you have to sign a disclaimer before eating it
Problem: you can't identify dead girl found in the woods. Solution: start a Facebook page about her. Fark: took a court order to make Facebook play along
One of the greatest photographers ever was born 100 years ago today. Happy birthday, Henry
88% say cars are a necessity, not a luxury that can be lived without. The other 12% live in Manhattan
"Orchids: inflatable love dolls of the floral kingdom". Bow chicka bow wow
"Having read through some 600 comments about universal health care, I now realize I took the wrong approach in my previous blog entry. I discussed the Obama health plan in political, literal, logical terms."
World leaders to push for Mideast peace. This is a repeat from 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, 1995, ad infinitum, ad nauseum
Whiner teacher sues NY Dept. of Education because her students keep sexually harassing her, DOE tells her to stop dressing like a ho
Times so tough on Sesame Street that Elmo is now panhandling in Times Square. "Look man, Elmo needs to make a living, too ... You have to tip Elmo or Elmo gets angry"
You shtup the babysitter in your Porsche, she sells the Porsche - plus your prized wine collection - for £2,000 online. It's the English way
Photoshop this pop-up fisherman
Officers charged in a case involving strippers, beer and firing a weapon at bystanders can be perceived as a "black eye" on the entire department, said Capt. Steve McCool. McLovin unavailable for comment
Hot teacher who had sex with 15-year-old student paid him $1500 for his troubles. Luckiest kid EVAR
The dealer tells you the speedboat you want has been sold to someone else. Do you C: Hitch its trailer up to your pickup and try and outrun the cops? With video failarity
It bears repeating: If you're a prisoner on license and forbidden to travel, don't put pictures of your holiday in Ibiza on Facebook. "lets just say back in England I am in a hell of a lot of s***. "
If you're going to pretend to be your twin brother so you can have sex with his girlfriend, don't forget the cowboy tattoo on your ass
9-year-old girl leads Nashville police on 80 mph interstate chase and, yes, she is an excellent driver
Not news: Applicant tries for job as director of National Rail Museum. News: He's six years old. Fark: Bosses are so touched by his letter that they appoint him "Director of Fun"
Crash car into Walmart? Drunk? Need an escape plan? Don't hop into the bed of a truck whose driver thinks it'd be a good idea to crash into other cars in order to throw you out
Governor Jesus "Charlie" Christ would like to point out that since He's taken office, hurricanes have stopped hitting Florida, and you should thank Him for His intervention
If you have been committing petty vandalism in the Wauwatosa area, headless baby Jesus would like a word with you
Poppy the cat travels 100 kilometres from home riding under a car, makes it back for Caturday
Great American Sean Hannity will run for President in 2012. Vice President Ollie North has a nice ring to it
Photoshop this formal bow
Amid the growing fight against obesity KFC introduces a bacon sandwich that uses fried chicken for bread
Islington borough council in London under fire for wasting £100,000 of taxpayers' money after failing to turn a park building into the world's largest chia pet
Box turtle uses furniture sliders for legs after being attacked by racoon. With cutest video you will see all day
Note news: Fox reporter in Denver stalks newspaper columnist. Fark: They ambush the wrong guy
Cambodian villagers hold funeral for three-day-old holy cow with crocodile skin
You have not filed an income tax return in four years. Do you: A) Make amends and pay the back taxes? B) Keep quiet and hope no one notices? or C) Sue the IRS for $1.1 billion dollars? Since it's on Fark, you can see where it's going
A small Neolithic sandstone human figurine is found in Scotland bringing insight into what humans may have looked like 5000 years ago. w/pic
8 nose jobs, 3 chin implants, 1 eyebrow lift, 3 facelifts, 6 mini facelifts, 2 lip surgeries, 5 eye surgeries, 20 minor tweeks, a partridge and a pear tree got this woman looking like Queen Nefertiti. Or not
Fri August 21, 2009
"They continued to chat about the dead cat while the controller directed traffic. Seconds before the mid-air collision, the controller uttered a swear word and hung up the phone"
Hillbilly tries to kill stray cat with shotgun, ends up missing and hitting two people instead. The mugshot explains it all
A list of things that are harmful to your dog. Relax, Fido, steak is fine
Friday's Fark-ready headline: "Man walks into a bar: grabs another man's beer, chokes bartender"
To honor Hawaii's 50th anniversary of being our 50th state, TSG starts off with a mugshot medley of those who had too much of a good time at the luau
People illegally keeping chickens as pets form group to change law called CLUCK - Campaign for Legalization of Urban Chicken Keeping. CLUCK: Where wings take dream
Fark 'discussions' explained
Photoshop this documenter
Apparently, mocking a Parkinson's sufferer is more historically significant than the Emancipation Proclamation
The wrinkle-faced bat has a remarkably strong bite. But enough about your mom
Things rarely end well when the cops find you jumping on cars and running around naked in a QuikTrip parking lot
Who would have guessed that a DVD player made in China that retails for under $30 at Wal-Mart would explode and burn your house down?
Man loses weight and lowers both his cholesterol and blood pressure by eating only pizza
FYI standing on a whale in New Zealand will cost you $30,000
Behold: Fark's new favorite cocktail, the Baconcello
Stolen dogs found in Peru medical school lab. Your dog doesn't want to travel
Superhero Smackdown: Green Lantern vs Spidey, who would win?
Hang on a sec, did her ass just wink at me?
(it's not a tumor)
Missing kindergartner found...in 1st grade
Endangered Madagascar lemurs being slaughtered for bush meat. I can't fap to this
Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger. Gunshot, gunshot
How farkin bad is DC's Metro? Though they've been sending alerts since March, Metro still hasn't figured out the 140 character limit for twe
Darned sock bandit strikes in Arizona
Today's cash for clunkers story comes to us from New Mexico where dealers are owed $3.6 million and have collected $14,000
Stop, or my mom will shoot
The next time you're getting busy with a bag o' antlers, try not to think of the Spanish ribbed newt
(Great Falls Tribune)
You know you're running a lousy theater when patrons are more freaked out by the filthy conditions and rude, incompetent staff than by the bat infestation that's closed 4 of your 10 screens (see comments below article)
Theme: create a new supervillian
Theme: create a new superhero
How to Piss Off a Pregnant Woman. Oddly "Mere Existence" doesn't make the list
WHO predicts 'explosion' of swine flu cases. Let's hope the kids are alright
Charlie the Gorilla is safely back in his pen at the Denver Zoo after escaping yesterday. Zookeepers note that "he was never at risk of escaping after escaping."
TSG Photo friday: Guess the performer based on the rider demands
Signs of a slow news day. Media does intense analysis of Michelle Obama wearing shorts
Farker killed yesterday in head on collision. RIP ARELAS. He was a really friendly & nice guy
Today's Farkready headline: Pink-clad pooch stolen from gay bar by man with Britney tattoo
Police in Wigan, UK, begin operation to arrest every last resident of the town
Now that summer's almost over, opentravel lists its 10 most scenic national parks, you know, in case you want to go next year
If you are going to be a mascot, and you decide to take the woman who just won the gold in the 400 hurdles for a piggy-back ride, make sure your costume has eye holes. (w/ video)
What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you burglarize a house?
With a whole world of people to stalk, try and pick someone other than a state police commander
Just one in ten people who sought treatment for swine flu last week actually had it. The rest are hypochondriacs, attention whores, and that guy who talks to himself at the bus stop
Is traffic noise ruining sex lives of frogs? The animals may have to adapt, like switching to ribbit for her pleasure
Build a better coconut picking machine and the world will beat a path to your door
Today's technology means police can now trace a burglar by finding something as simple as a fingerprint, a hair, several pints of blood or his drunken ass under a filing cabinet
Owner of Psycho Donuts can't understand why his new menu items "Glazed and Confused", "Mellow Submarine" and "Mood Swing" have become such a bipolarizing issue with mental health advocates
Police officer accidentally sets his taser to the "ignite" setting (with mugshot you can add to your vast collection)
Plane attempting to land at Teterboro Airport decides the runway should begin in a parking lot across Route 46. Crashlarity ensues
Canada's health care system is so good many Canadians have to go to Detroit for medical procedures
If you only see one picture of a transvestite ex-spy who thinks he's Jesus being dragged out of a farm by the police today, make it this one (some sidebar pics are NSFW)
Photoshop this Mary Poppins wannabe
*DING* "You may now air out your balls"
Britain's only professional matador mounting comeback at 65 despite history of injuries including broken legs, multiple rib fractures, gored anus
Extortion. Sex slaves. Breast implants. Fetish websites. Dr. Phil. This story has it all
Today is the 50th Anniversary of Hawaiian statehood. Hawaii is of course famous for the hula, luaus, volcanoes, and temporarily being Kenya one day in 1961
Proving that even some third world countries have smarter governments than the USA, Mexico enacts "personal use" drug law
TV station tries to hypnotize viewers into losing weight. What could possibly go wrong?
Five years ago she was the most hittable jailbait on Earth. Today, Lindsay Lohan "too worn out" to play a part credibly. She's 23. W/pic that makes it hard to dispute
TV news report informs viewers: "The 'M' in 'ATM' stands for "machine", but it could also stand for 'money'"
Woman's breast doubles in size after a runaway cow stabs her in the chest with its horn and if it wasn't for Pink, she never would have noticed. No, I'm not making any of this up
For $110, you can have a verified atheist to take care of your pet when the Rapture comes. Holy crap. Brilliant
32 year-old female teacher with 14 year-old male student brought to you by Florida. Bonus: boy tells his mom that she performed oral sex on him in an apartment complex laundry room. w/pic
A hive of bees appear outside your home. Do you: a) call an expert to remove them? b) wait inside until they leave? c) grab a shop-vac and try to suck them all up
Thu August 20, 2009
Woman in pic has sammich: womankind rejoices in non-photoshop goodness. (Not safe for work-ish pic)
Cutest picture of a kitten which survived 6 days wrapped in two duffel bags you'll see today
If you are barricaded in your house, exchanging fire with the cops, you A) Come to your senses and give up, B) Go out in a blaze of glory, or C) Sue the city for $680K to fix the bullet holes you put there?
Photoshop this deep sea diver
Police reject candidate for being too intelligent. That's some fine recruiting there Lou
Sir, have you seen my monkey?
Are you badgered, bleezin, newcastled, lamped, paggered, snatered, sozzled, nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant or just saying hello to Mr Armitage?
(Some Litigious Guy)
Skydiver's chute fails to open, instructor's extraordinary efforts save them both. Woman C. Sues instructor because she broke two fingers
10 best places to grow up in America. Your town blows
Doctor loses patient records, license, screams at cops while wearing a wedding dress... and then things get weird
Trainspotting meets the Matrix. Drug addict dodges 19 bullets in standoff. Fark; from one officer alone
News: Woman arrested for punching boy over soccer ball. Fark: Boy is in a wheelchair with pre-surgical medical halo screwed into his skull. With "I'd do it again" mug shoot
(The Beaumont Enterprise)
Father of the year candidate chases five-year-old boy with chainsaw
You're lonely. Do you: A) Go out and meet new friends, B) Go online and meet new friends C)Get arrested 146 times in 11 years or D) meet new people
Man hasn't missed a day or been late for a shift in almost 30 years. Reason for tag: He started the job at 63
Kids fill balloons with lighter fluid.....you probably know where this is going
LSD the next Xanax? Take two tabs and call me in the morning
Nationwide crackdown to begin on the most dangerous threat to our roadways: Driving While Female
Three cops, an assualt rifle, and a hot waitress named Bambi. What could possibly go wrong?
Police are looking for two men who stole $1.4 million worth of jewelry from a Louisiana JC Penney. Investigators say the jewels have an estimated street value of $8,000
High school baseball coach hires a stripper? That's a firing. You're out
Gardening makes for better sex. Yeah that's right, talk dirt to me you hoe
Black bear, black bear, what do you see? I see a Grand Am coming at me
While it does help to have faith if you're a busker, it might also be handy to know some other songs too
Apparently, fighting someone from outside a moving vehicle is not as easy as Jackie Chan makes it look
What does a drunk driver in car in a tree look like? Wonder no more
Problem: Bouncer won't let your sweatpants-clad ass into the establishment. Solution: Knock down a passerby and steal his pants. BRILLIANT
Subway riders were blase when a striphanger did a pole dance on the L train, except for one woman who started screaming and an elderly man next to her who got the shakes
Chinese hornets invade France. French honeybees surrender
Photoshop this super surreal scene
For some reason the mother of a 20 year old son who was blown to pieces in the Pan Am103 bombing doesn't care about Abdel Baset al-Megrahi's pancreas
5 species that could take over the earth. I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overlords
India bans annual stoner festival. Like, bad karma, dude
Brooklyn woman wants the ice cream man shut down because she can't control her little brat when it comes by. Bonus: She owns a restaurant that deep fries pudding and cherry pie
At age 95 the world's longest-serving bartender is ready to retire. He's been serving for 77 years, since the moment Prohibition ended
Not news: Man loses wedding ring in ocean. News: Actually manages to find it again. Fark: A year later
Heavy drinking can cause sleep problems, including disruption of REM sleep and waking up in strange beds or gutters
Scientists discover putting a fish in your mouth is an effective way of taking your temperature
San Francisco creates life-size Candy Land board in the streets to celebrate game's 60th anniversary. Commuters irate, currently stuck in stupid Peppermint Forest as their kids pass them by
New study finds love is worth £163,424, which is roughly the same amount you'll have to pay her after the divorce
The best treatment for heroin addiction is...more heroin?
(Gwinnett Daily Post)
Two men break into a man's house and ask if they can watch his threesome. Then things get weird
Nanny State: Garbage collectors refuse to empty garden waste bin due to "contamination". Fark: With apples
Thanks to the model's usual inability to let it go, "the search term 'skank NYC' is now permanently anchored to Liskula Cohen's name on Google"
Probably not the best way to ask your land lord for rent postponement: Bombing the land lord's home
Today's Fark-ready headline: "Man versus opossum, cops, Taser"
Wife chronicles all husband's annoying traits on her blog, none of which are annoying as "she publicly criticizes everything I do on a blog"
The ass you have used to sit in this seat is too fat, please try a different one
Scientist who killed woman during "sex game gone wrong" sentenced to ten years of seeing exactly how wrong sex games can go
New Zealand announces new plan to fast track Australian visitors through their airports in eight minutes. Coincidentally, this is about as much time as one can spend in New Zealand before terminal boredom sets in
Back to School Photoshop Theme: How I spent my summer vacation
Caption this lovers' tussle
The US is up to number 50 in the world in life expectancy. We're totally kicking Albania's ass
Man wakes up in Seattle park with $600 in his sock. Fark: He has no idea who he is or how he got there
Man licks woman's foot at Whole Foods. Police consider act to be Assaulty
Cannibals call for voluntary organ donation
If you've ever dreamed of spending the rest of eternity boning Marilyn Monroe, get out your checkbook
Father of Malaysian woman caught drinking a beer says she should be caned in public as an example to other Muslims. Gee, thanks dad
In today's segment of This Will End Well, pickpockets given cash to distribute, Sleight of hand discount notwithstanding
Woman determined to eat every food on a stick at the Iowa State Fair - even the fried Twinkie
"I saw him across the street. He was just standing on the corner with a bunch of pigeons, and I noticed they were kind of like pushing him around."
If you're selling your truck on Craigslist, and the buyer wants to take a test drive, telling him "Don't steal it" isn't enough to stop him from driving away
"My values are not lies. It's just the information I provided to the people is false."
Coolest pics of a diver with a humpback whale you will see today
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 224: "Living History" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed August 19, 2009
From the "Dude, you're never gonna get laid, EVER" news department: Scientist claims that romantic candle-lit dinners are cancer-causing Earth destroyers. Good luck eating your microwave burrito and fapping to Golden Girls, pal
23 badly-placed Internet ads
*Knock knock* "Who's there?" "Your house is on fire." "Your house is on fire who?"
The lap record for a production car around the Nürburgring has been broken...by eleven seconds...by a car called Gumpert
Just because the guy was named "Tex" doesn't mean you can slap a pair of boots on any corpse and deliver it to the funeral. Jeez
Brain melty optical illusion
Like a needle in a haystack. New Jersey man looking to build a convenience store apparently found the one honest politician in the state
Photoshop this old fashioned clock
Dodecamom is really just dodecanuts
Bernie Madoff's lover says he has an extremely small penis. "On the bright side, oral sex would be a breeze."
Woman sues zoo over slip-and-fall, claims the dolphins did it on porpoise
Bad: Man attempts to rob pharmacy via their drive-thru. Fark: Pharmacy didn't have a drive-thru
When stealing a cooler full of beer from a yacht club, try to make it further than the shrub across the street before passing out drunk
Best humane society ad ever
(This is Somerset)
Blind man raises money with charity skydive. He absolutely loved it, but his guide dog didn't have quite as much fun
Perhaps taking a bunch of LSD, then getting lost in the woods isn't the best way to celebrate your honeymoon
If you're having problems achieving the level of obesity right for you, check out the 7 absurdly effective habits of highly obese people
New Mexico teacher arrested for DUI. But don't worry, it was only a driver's ed teacher
UBS agrees to give clients the big thumb drive
Go Green, recycle your dildo. What???
Whole Foods is selling a whole lot less Arugula
She returned his sex toy and he returned her camera. Subby loves happy endings
Police officer responding to call surprised after a naked man leaped from the bushes, attacked his squad car, punched out a headlight, then played an invigorating game of "pepper spray, flashlights, tasers" with officers
Man spends 3 months in jail for possession of breath mints
Bomb squad blows up supsicious Nightmare Before Christmas lunchbox in local park
Photoshop what's hiding in the mist
Man suffers paneful death after being hit by falling sheet of glass; co-workers left looking glazed, feeling shattered
How ostrich farming became the new face of American conservation. Also, how to build a chariot using horny ostriches
Report: Parents can help stop child obesity. What Ding Dong figured this out?
The people of Seattle like to think of themselves as enviromentally concerned. Until comes to adding a 20-cent fee for every plastic bag they use at the grocery store. "It's expensive. It's uncalled for."
"I slept with Lindsay Lohan last week - please help": 25 awesome homeless guy signs
*tick* *tick* *tick* *tick* *tick* *Click* Don Hewitt, creator of "60 Minutes" dead at 86
Robbery suspect flees police, runs into telephone poll (or "pole" as they say in American English). Fark: on foot
Today's Fark-ready headline: "Naked Jacqueline Onassis Photo Found With Warhol's Junk"
Unfortunate headline of the day: "Poor Chicago kids have sex at young age." Oh yeah, poor them
Not news: Man sends an invoice. News: For time spent in shops and restaurants. Fark: Some of them actually pay up
Father tries to teach his 13-year-old son to drive his Porsche SUV, is killed when son mows him down. You did it wrong
One in every fifty £1 coins is a fake, which is what tends to happen when you haven't added a new security feature since 1662
UK begins planning mass graves for victims of swine flu, food riots, UFO invasion
Round two of the atheist bus ad war: bus driver refuses to drive as the sign offends her religious beliefs
Tiger to attempt to set wing-walking world record. No, not that Tiger. Or that one, either. Or one of those, either
Look.. Up at this guy. It's absurd, it's kinda lame... it's Marshwood Man. Faster than a speeding wheelchair. More powerful than a nurses cart. Able to leap two or three steps at a time
FBI warns Boston Police that they should arm themselves with those 200, M-16 assault riffles, obtained not so long ago
Today's "hot female teacher has lesbian affair with teenaged student" story brought to you by... and you stopped reading this already
Got a dumpster? You've got a swimming pool
Zack's Mack whacks back
Caption Bill Clinton with President Obama
Girl who was ticketed for selling lemonade in park is back in business, cop who busted her is suspended. LemOWNED
Photoshop this bogus bride
Man drives 9-foot high camper under 8-foot high failroad bridge
British amusement park officials devise clever way to keep the French off their roller coaster rides
Woman drinks a number of alcoholic beverages, climbs on top of a casino table, kicks a cop, and screams, "Whale killer." Somewhere Hunter Thompson is smiling
Suck at karaoke? It's not your fault. Here's the science
Some photos of Tuesday afternoon lightning strikes in Clearwater Beach
Best Buy employees fired after tackling knife wielding thief. Don't fark with the Geek Squad
Prime Minister of Samoa spontaneously decides to reverse country's vehicle traffic from right to left. What could possibly go wrong?
Study finds older drivers not such a hazard, says researchers who never shopped for fresh produce
Iowa, the Midwestern state that shattered its conservative past by voting for Obama and legalizing gay marriage, is now debating whether or not to legalize pot. So, yeah, finally a reason to visit Iowa
Mayors in Australia sort their differences out the old-fashioned way - in the pub, with boxing gloves
How a man who gave his wife a diamond every time he cheated on her died...$500,000 poorer
'Grab a chemical fire extinguisher and empty it all over the patrons' does not qualify as a bar trick
Study finds that women who view pictures of chocolate cake avoid eating chocolate cake. Time to hide your porn
Cable guy electrocuted. Viewing to be held for 20 minutes sometime between 8am and 5pm
(Some Bavarian Guy)
German engineering at its best - behold the BierBike
There once was a tech from Verizon who went to do work for Isakson. When asked for ID, threw a punch - maybe three, and now there's a lawsuit arisin'
Entire town duped into dumping their unwanted furniture onto the streets
Family of woman killed in car crash sent bill from bureaucrats for damaged guard rail. But to prove they're not heartless, they add: "Sorry for your loss"
The Cardboard Tube Fighting League wants you. Risks "include but are not limited to the loss of eye(s), decapitation, impalement, bloody lips, bruises, welts, paralysis and/or death"
Under Obama Care, if you fail to purchase adequate coverage, the IRS will litigate until your entire life is a smoldering crater. Isn't that encouraging?
Tue August 18, 2009
So this bloke is in trouble because he used up all his sick time at a tavern drinking beer. You know, I keep rereading this and I just can't see what the problem is
State senator thought it would be a good idea to propose to his girlfriend during a fake police raid complete with helicopters. Was that wrong? Should he not have done that?
Attention Farkers: an internet addiction treatment center has opened in Fall City, Washington. You know... for all of *you* that have problems
Thouth Carolina woman thues after her dentitht mithtakenly taketh out thixteen teeth
Photoshop this sushi server
Heavens to Murgatroyd. Exit: stage ceiling
Imagine making a cup of tea. Now imagine that instead of a cup, there's an above ground pool, and instead of a tea bag, there's a rotting cow carcass. Lesson: Don't drink the water here
Here at Enterprise, we'll pick you up (and take you to the morgue because the car you rented didn't have side impact air bags even though we said they did)
80-year old man bikes from Oregon to New Hampshire; plans to do the same in Eurasia. This time, without the onion belt
In an arachnophobe's worst nightmare, Camel Spiders found in Colorado
Okay, one more time. If a cop confronts you as you're smoking marijuana, it's normally a bad move to offer him a hit
Canadian Prime Minister to visit Territorial Capital of "Unwashed Bums"
There is a booming wine industry in Indiana
If a woman says she was raped at your hotel, it's not a good PR move to tell her she's partly to blame because she was careless
Playing videogames may help people with depression, right up until they get repeatedly teabagged by a foul-mouthed, homophobic 13-year-old
Not a cunning display of stunts
Attention car dealers: When a couple of Russians use seven credit cards to buy a BMW to ship back to Russia, maybe you should be a tad bit cautious
Dogs can tell when people are lying about food. Your dog knows where the steak is
Elaborate fake suicide plot fails at final hurdle: the being dead bit
Police make 31 arrests at outdoor concert. Cops say it was like shooting Phish in a barrel
Six animals that can get you high
Woman has her house sold out from under her. Hey, at least something's moving in this market
"Smelly House Leads to Dead Resident." So remember, kids -- keep your room clean if you want to live
Colleges usually love to get willed endowments. Usually
Thousands of DVD's stolen from porn shop. Investigators looking for suspect with sticky fingers
Two hambuglers want their cuts in a hurry. To get a slice, they cook up a plan to take the whole delivery trailer full of meat. It would have been a prime move if they didn't make mincemeat out of a witness
Political journalist Robert Novak has died. You didn't hear this from me
Brett Favre, who was retired, then unretired, then retired, then unretired, the retired again, has unretired. Again
Bear attacks man's Harley Davidson over pizza. Don't mess with biker bears
Photoshop this woman and her friend
1,000 Britons evacuated from their homes so the RAF can blow them up
School Board candidate with "a B.S. in education" whose slogan is "Education does matter" actually high school dropout that doesn't even live in the city where he is running. I guess he got the B.S. part right
(Some Bumbass Guy)
Before locking your three-year old in her bedroom all day, you might want to put away the pot, scales, and Glock. You know, just in case the police have a problem with the whole situation
Winnie the Pooh bandit arrested and charged. Oh bother
German authorities break up alleged cook-smuggling ring, ringleaders say the police have sum wong gai
The next time you decide to take a drunken stroll through the mountains at night, do try and remember to put some clothes on first
Caution: Speed Limit enforced by tanks
Presenting the Humanthesizer, 15 bikini-clad models painted with Bare Conductive, a new skin safe ink which conducts electricity, also known as the BEST INSTRUMENT EVER
Loser of D&D game returns with +1 Hammer of Aggravated Assaulting, now needs to roll save vs. sentencing to PMITA prison
Men who snore loudly are twice as likely to die early, possibly from multiple stab wounds
Photoshop this cybernetic chef
10-year-old girl fined $50 for selling lemonade in NY park: "They made me feel really, really bad"
Man arrested for fifth DUI. Fark: Driving a snowmobile on the snowless highway in August
14-year-old boy causes $6.5K in damages to neighborhood cars. Fark: Because his grandma wouldn't give him a cigarette
Billy Joel was right... Only the good Dae-jung
Island bans pants on the Sabbath to stop sin
Tunisian woman reportedly pregnant with 12 babies. That's one port which will remain open indefinitely
Not news: 3 men arrested for smoking pot. News: In an illegally parked van at a police softball tournament. Fark: Two of the three men are Honolulu Police Officers
British chain store features a Wall of Shame featuring WANTED posters of suspected shoplifters. Apparently, some people have a problem with this
Military enthusiasts begin re-enacting Vietnam War...John Rambo heard asking: Do we get to win this time?
Family game of UNO goes horribly wrong
Stripper using a stripper pole. Meh.. On a rickshaw? Hmm. Driving in NYC traffic. Fark. (Sorry, but it's probably SFW.)
Mon August 17, 2009
Man makes illegal U turn, intentionally rams multiple cars with his truck until it becomes disabled, then gets out and punches himself in the face. Yes, alcohol was involved, and yes, there's a mugshot
Even though most Farkers would agree it's a legitimate emergency, man gets busted for dialing 911 to report his family hid all his alcohol
Yesterday was "Bring Your Baby to an Armed Robbery of a Pep Boys Day". W/they're men mugshots
Town holds open forum on its high euthanasia rates. It's ALREADY happening, sheeple
Asylum seeker enters UK using fake passport, sues for £150,000. Fark: Because his detention caused him depression
Being Patient Zero in the swine flu epidemic seemed cool until little Edgar Hernandez realized that sick people would be following him into the toilet for his healthy urine for the rest of his life
Supreme court Justice Scalia: Executing innocent people is perfectly constitutional
Student drowns while testing concrete canoe, failed to wear concrete life jacket
"There are many ways to be closer to the Lord without trying to be his girlfriend."
Photoshop these ball players playing ball
Identity of Top Gear's "The Stig" voted top unsolved mystery of the century (w/great pic)
It's bad enough when you're a cop and you steal 15 bricks of cocaine. It's even worse when it's fake cocaine being used in a sting operation
Chicken-assault charge to be dropped if teen can calm the cluck down
Survey of cell-phone bills reveals customers can save $331 per year on average, by such ingenious methods as "not buying as many services"
90 percent of US currency contains trace amounts of cocaine, value
Seven injured after bleacher collapses at circus school, presumably from clowning around
"Police are trying to discover how a man came to be found naked and severely burnt in a road." Sounds like an awesome party
New Hampshire man says he was forced to steal footwear by "shoe-stealing gang"
Strategy of one newspaper bucking the industry-wide decline: Rely on user-generated content, and forbid readers from using the Internet
Pollice llook into llama killling
Eight dead, dozens missing in some dam explosion
Pensioner sues British supermarket because nobody ever taught her to defend against a falling pineapple
The Great Pumpkin is from Kentucky
Raul Castro's key to saving Cuban socialism: capitalism
Recession stories, hurricanes, and a Dallas Cowboy arrested by Saturday: Drew sets the betting line on this week's projected stories, and announces Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 8/9 to 8/15
Man says an incoming cell phone call caused his Maytag Magic Chef stove to turn on by itself. This is, of course, after his ringing doorbell caused him to down a 1/5 of Jack and his incoming e-mail told him to roll a fat one
It is not your right to lie naked on a volleyball court
Obit-of-the-year? "75 years, 0 hours of labour, 40,000 bottles of wine, a pinch of Song, Women (to taste). Sozzle gently over a low lifestyle, leave to marinade slowly, bring to fruition. Garnish the whole thing wildly in the telling"
Remember how pools at foreclosed homes become breeding grounds for pesky mosquitos? Leave it to the South to solve the problem with catfish
And if we are all honest, who hasn't tossed the odd bit of fecal matter after a bad day at the office?
Photoshop a hard to describe photo
CBS puts up Fantasy Football league for Farkers. Sign up, then crush your enemies week after week. Time to put up or shut up (Sponsored link)
I will not sacrifice my bacon. We've made too many compromises already - too many retreats. They tell us not to drink so much, and we fall back. They ban cigarettes, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here
Drawbridge operator busted for being too drunk to get it up
Former Congressman Tom DeLay to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars
I guess someone finally looked at a map
College student passes sheriff's deputy at 153 MPH. Resulting crash leaves skid marks along highway, pants
Healthcare is unsustainable and needs an overhaul before it implodes. Fark: In Canada
Winners of "Star Trek"-themed wedding contest disappoint everyone by refusing to dress up in uniform
If you start seeing lemon-headed aliens trying to abduct you, it might be a sign you've been eating too much red meat
Swedish researchers discover that teenage boys self-harm just as much as girls, or even more if you include incidents of severe chafing
Britain and America were complicit in the Nazi extermination of the Jews, according to the latest press release from the Vatican. In other news, the hunt is on for an attractive and successful kettle for whom there is an urgent message
When Tropical Storm Chata'an struck the Federated States of Micronesia in 2002, the U.S. government sent 1,300 blankets, 4,000 disposable diapers, 30 cases of sardines -- and your Social Security number
(Utah Daily Herald)
New battery technology could lower your electric bill to 3 cents/kilowatt and reduce national dependence on fossil fuels. Utilities and petroleum industry lobbyists seen igniting torches, gathering pitchforks
Photoshop this loving putt
Dog reunited 9 years on with owner, just in time for Muttday
(NWA Morning News)
You know it's a good game of hide-and-seek when the fire department has to cut you out of your hiding place
CRN lists the top 10 workplace time wasters. Fark makes number 8
Not News: Drivers get into fight. News: It was a slap fight. Fark: One driver was in Bentley. Ultra Fark: Chick-fil-A drive-through
Gentlemen, we can rebuild her. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic elephant
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