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Sun August 16, 2009
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(Daily Mail) Scary Not news: Man rescues wounded animal and nurses it back to health. News: They become inseparable friends, playing together and frolicking in the water. Crikey: It's a crocodile  (dailymail.co.uk) (118)
(AOL) Hero Milwaukee mayor, coming to the aide of a screaming elderly woman and baby, fractures hand punching the attacker who was beating him with a metal pipe. Mayor's giant brass testicles unharmed  (news.aol.com) (462)
(Stuff) Dumbass New Zealand has a strong entrant in this year's Dumb Criminal Olympics  (stuff.co.nz) (36)
(What Does it Mean?) Obvious Remember that guy in a standoff with the Feds in LA a few days ago? He was one of Israel's top bio-weapons experts monitoring CIA Swine Flu "operations" in LA. He even had genetic immunity to ward off all the CS powder  (whatdoesitmean.com) (184)
(McClatchy) Florida New York murder investigation includes voodoo, kinky sex, family crowbar fight, Amway convention, and a body sitting in limbo for a month in the morgue. All this can only mean one thing. The involved parties are Floridians  (mcclatchydc.com) (55)
(Newslite) Asinine After 10 years and millions of dollars, inventor perfects colored bubbles  (newslite.tv) (115)
(CBS News) Obvious "Search still on for Arctic Sea" - Subby suggests they look at their map of the world - it's the blue bit at the top  (cbsnews.com) (53)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this kite-flying kid  (spiegel.de) (25)
(WWL) Florida Third named storm of the weekend.. tropical trifecta complete  (wwl.com) (100)
(KMBC) Stupid Two teens arrested for doing what many have dreamed but few have dared  (kmbc.com) (109)
(KLTV) Asinine Texas schools now required to teach the Bible in class. And so it begins  (kltv.com) (980)
(CNN) Interesting August 16th marks the passing of two of the greatest entertainers of all time: Babe Ruth and Elvis Presley  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com) (56)
(CNN) Unlikely Bill, bill, bill, magazine ad, bill, bill, greeting card from my cousin in Detroit, bill, bill, magazine ad  (edition.cnn.com) (186)
(AJC) Obvious In news that should surprise no one, consumers rarely see refunds from gas stations for price gouging  (ajc.com) (52)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida "Anyone who wants to get into a Vampire Gathering needs to see the gargoyles first. They're the protectors, the first line of defense against heckling street preachers and tourists."  (tampabay.com) (176)
(UPI) Obvious "Dry conditions feed California wildfires" Really? You don't say?  (upi.com) (64)
(Some Iowan) Amusing A slideshow of twenty-odd Midwesterners dressed as their favorite Anime characters. Yes, not even Iowa is safe from the ridiculousness of idiotic adult cosplayers  (press-citizen.com) (178)
(UPI) Unlikely After having the election stolen from him and thousands of his supporters arrested and beaten (or worse), Mousavi now thinks it would be a good time to start a new political party. This is not going to end well  (upi.com) (44)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this mud slide  (s.wsj.net) (27)
(C|Net) Unlikely "How to use math to choose a wife"; is there anything (else) science can't do?  (news.cnet.com) (109)
(Yahoo) Interesting New research shows that kids who play video games with other kids in person are good kids. Those who do it only online, well, not so much  (news.yahoo.com) (143)
(Telluride Watch) Dumbass "For me, it's kind of cool to walk home in Telluride after dark, extra alert to the possibility of stumbling across a black bear." Submitters idea of cool is stumbling across a bunch of drunken coeds, but thats just me  (telluridewatch.com) (47)
(The Times Record.com) Obvious Some tried to make it happen, but there will be no Hogwarts Elementary School in Brunswick, Maine  (timesrecord.com) (45)
(News.com.au) Dumbass How can one man hate parsnips so much?  (news.com.au) (124)
(Wired) Dumbass "Daniel is serving a sentence of 17-and-a-half years in prison, followed by supervised release for life. There's no evidence in the record that he ever succeeded in talking with a real underage girl"  (wired.com) (401)
(Daily Mail) Scary Swine flu vaccine may kill more than the flu itself. This is not a repeat from 1976  (dailymail.co.uk) (82)
(Washington Post) Obvious N. Korea is increasingly becoming that crazy sobbing girl at the party whom everybody is growing weary of indulging  (washingtonpost.com) (65)
(Washington Post) Asinine Getting by on $300,000 in this economy is so hard that the majority of the US just decided not to do it, relish in their low paying jobs (Tag is for article)  (washingtonpost.com) (327)
(Yahoo) Scary Angry patient bites off the end of a doctor's finger and runs off. Police are looking for tips  T-Shirt  (news.yahoo.com) (31)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Drug dealer who makes $150 a week gets arrested. You're doing it wrong  (nwfdailynews.com) (57)
(AZCentral) Interesting Are you insured for the contents of your blog and social-networking sites? "If you don't know something is factual and you're speaking about an entity or individual, then don't say it"  (azcentral.com) (67)
(The Morning Call) Interesting Grammar Nazis describe the words and phrases that chap their ASCII  (mcall.com) (271)
(Yahoo) Amusing Here's a list of America's most overrated tourist attractions. Your mom's bedroom not included  (travel.yahoo.com) (283)
(The New York Times) Stupid Give us your money and we'll ask God to give you more money  (nytimes.com) (124)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Too soon?  (fark.com) (57)
(Gizmodo) Cool Elven bridge building at its finest  (gizmodo.com) (58)
(Some Honorable Crook) Cool Sex offender busted by burglars: man jailed for possession of child pornography after offended burglars turn his laptop over to police  (weinterrupt.com) (134)
(gazette) Stupid Drunk guy blows a .41, tries to steal a squad car, gets picked up by his mommy after a "couple of beers"  (gazettextra.com) (41)
(tmj4) Fail You know you fail as a robber when you shoot your partner, then the victim shoots you  (todaystmj4.com) (54)

Sat August 15, 2009
(Some Pink Underwear Wearer) Dumbass Sheriff Joe Arpaio busts into county building, seizes control of computer systems, change passwords. He "has no authority... to do this. He just decided ... to send in deputies and take over"  (bizjournals.com) (408)
(Maildumper) Spiffy Tired of lacing your shoes the same old way? Here is a graphic explaining 15 different ways to lace your shoes  (maildumper.com) (109)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: rubbing salt in an old wound  (fark.com) (32)
(JSOnline) Scary There's a damn good reason you shouldn't attempt to cross an active drawbridge (with pucker-inducing photo)  (jsonline.com) (173)
(NPR) Hero Another Democrat wins the release of an American prisoner  (npr.org) (300)
(BBC) Cool The world's finest memories meet for the UK Open Memory Championships, displaying their ability to recall decks of cards, random numbers and that time five years ago when you stared at that waitress in the tight shirt  (news.bbc.co.uk) (61)
(Examiner) Amusing Newsy: Is doing tequila shots with Mickey Mouse a good idea?  (examiner.com) (87)
(Komo) Obvious Why is a mother who abandoned her kid in the news? She's hot  (komonews.com) (236)
(Pensacola News Journal) Spiffy Pensacola celebrates 450th birthday, tells rest of nation to get off its lawn  (pnj.com) (80)
(Sign On San Diego) Dumbass Man arrested for making online threats against schools. Duke sucks  (www3.signonsandiego.com) (26)
(Some Guy) Asinine Too many people are using the parks, so the city bans group sports  (ledgernews.com) (80)
(Detroit News) Stupid That's what I love about these middle school boys, man. I get older, they stay the same age (with "Yeah, you'd hit it" pic)  (detnews.com) (145)
(Sign On San Diego) Stupid Forget about swine flu. It's time to panic about the West Nile virus again  (www3.signonsandiego.com) (41)
(WBBM) Interesting During a ceremony featuring bare-chested women, fresh goat's blood and a tribal king, Jackson was bestowed with the ceremonial title of royal "dignitary"- Jesse, not Michael  (wbbm780.com) (62)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these practicing firemen  (ww.dmna.state.ny.us) (23)
(RUFKM.NET) Amusing User gets banned from Craigslist for trying to sell Craig's list. With bonus photo of a donkey, for no apparent reason  (rufkm.net) (49)
(Canoe) Sick Poet faces charges of child porn stemming from "the written word", presumably something about his longfellow  (cnews.canoe.ca) (80)
(Dawn) Interesting News: leader of al Qaeda-inspired militant group killed. Fark: by Hamas  (dawn.com) (93)
(Record Online (NY)) Amusing Woodstock '69 state health-code inspector explains what happened after he confronted the bearded hippie in a chef's hat and loincloth who was cooking burgers for the multitudes  (recordonline.com) (73)
(Florida Today) Florida Dad tells daughter to turn off computer. Daughter curses out Dad. Dad throws pizza at daughter.. Daughter Calls cops. Dad goes down on a felony assult charge on his daughter  (floridatoday.com) (177)
(CBS News) Scary Mutant polio virus spreads in Nigeria. EVERYBODY PANIC. Actually, this IS rather scary. SERIOUSLY, EVERYBODY PANIC  (cbsnews.com) (118)
(Some Iowan) Dumbass Police respond to a trespassing complaint, see a single marijuana seed on the ground. They enter the apartment, find a woman, two children, marijuana, weapons, and a bulletproof vest. Then things get weird  (press-citizen.com) (110)
(Slate) Unlikely Old and busted:hipsters wearing girls clothing. New hotness:hipsters with potbellies  (slate.com) (125)
(CBS News) Interesting American women getting better at birth control  (cbsnews.com) (103)
(CBS News) Interesting Prices continue to fall as consumers continue to cut back on shopping. If this keeps up, soon everything will be free, right?  (cbsnews.com) (105)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass American pilot about to take off from Heathrow with more than double the legal alcohol level in his blood puts it down to drinking real beer, rather than the American pisswater he's used to  (dailymail.co.uk) (113)
(News.com.au) Obvious Young, drunk and stupid is actually a pretty good way to go to the hospital  (news.com.au) (11)
(TC Palm) Florida Ana we're off to the start of the 2009 hurricane season  (tcpalm.com) (89)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida "Mrs. Jesus Christ" arrested for fraud, accused of trying to write a bad check for a car. Unknown if it was a Chrysler  (jacksonville.com) (49)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Owner reunited with his lost cat (his lost African Serval that weighs 50 pounds, can jump 15 feet and run 65mph) just in time for a Super-Sized Caturday  (fox11online.com) (412)
(CBC) Interesting Woman with an astonishing chin cleft claims laser hair removal has given her a beard. Someone's doing something wrong  (cbc.ca) (66)
(The Daily Urinal) Weird Not news: Man held in jail since Feb. 2008. News: For $200k fake concert promotion. Fark: Claims to be member of "Kool & the Gang." Bonus: He sings one of their songs in court to prove it  (daily-journal.com) (16)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Wham!  (dailymail.co.uk) (75)
(Some Guy) Florida Would be robber beaned by grocer. Half baked alibi leaves him without a legume to stand on  (www2.highlandstoday.com) (21)
(Some Guy) Florida Woman arrested for trying to steal bacon from her employer. (with "Bacon Bandit" mugshot)  (wpbf.com) (46)
(Some Guy) Obvious If you are a counselor at a psychiatric home, dating the mental patients might not be the best idea  (lohud.com) (33)
(Some Guys) Photoshop Photoshop these U.S. Patent Office clerks  (shorpy.com) (56)
(The Tennessean) Amusing Scammers target law firms. Is professional courtesy dead?  (tennessean.com) (22)
(ABC News) Obvious Millions of women find sex unbearable. They can be identified by a ring on the fourth finger of the left hand  T-Shirt  (i.abcnews.com) (299)
(Discover) Amusing Apparently, Buzz Aldrin has had enough  (blogs.discovermagazine.com) (83)
(Fox News) Sad Not news: Teacher actually cares enough to develop a lesson plan with visual aids. News: It was for Revolutionary War history and they were plastic guns. Fark: The school goes into lockdown, teacher suspended  (foxnews.com) (122)
(Quad City Times) Fail After you've robbed a bank, run through a cornfield, changed your clothes, stopped sweating, run through the other side of the cornfield, make sure the car you flag down to orchestrate your escape isn't an undercover cop  (qctimes.com) (29)
(KOMU) Scary If you're looking for a motel to stay at due to car trouble, be sure to ask the clerk, "will my wife be able to go to the soda machine without running into a SWAT team?"  (komu.com) (30)
(Yahoo) Silly How many roads must a man walk down before the police ask to see some ID?  (news.yahoo.com) (176)

Fri August 14, 2009
(Breitbart.com) Interesting On second thought, national healthcare could kill off unions  (bighollywood.breitbart.com) (463)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this person in pink at a park  (s.wsj.net) (39)
(Courthouse News) Strange Family suing Honda for $10 million for failing to prevent tornado from picking their Odyssey and shattering the windows while they were driving. No, really  (courthousenews.com) (234)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's TSG mugshot roundup starts off with a Ron Mexico wannabe, then it gets weird  (thesmokinggun.com) (237)
(Reuters) Interesting 34 pissed-off Egyptian fishermen with machetes vs. 8 Somali pirates with guns. Ready, FIGHT  (reuters.com) (148)
(St. Petersburg Times) Silly Nothing is dividing the Christian community quite like the newest Harry Potter movie. "Over and over again Harry Potter is victorious and made a hero while he continuously breaks the rules and gets rewarded for that."  (tampabay.com) (383)
(BBC) Followup Missing Maltese ship found off of the African coast. Quickly renamed "Event Horizon"  (news.bbc.co.uk) (147)
(Some Guy) Fail Lockheed Martin's latest military vehicle: "These will exceed the specifications and I will tell you, very hard to tip over." Apparently, that doesn't apply to journalists taking it on a test drive  (news10now.com) (155)
(ksat.com) Obvious Man delicately attacked by two gentle, loving pit bulls  (ksat.com) (388)
(Some Firefighter) Amusing Not News: Fire department loans truck to neighboring city. Fark: Truck bursts into flames on the way to the city  (www2.insidenova.com) (31)
(Abc.net.au) Interesting Australian coroner begins grim task of identifying PNG victims, but at least no data was lost in their compression  T-Shirt  (abc.net.au) (86)
(Some Guy) Obvious Man jumps in river to a) help a child b) catch a fish c) escape his wife's nagging  (sthelenschat.co.uk) (103)
(BBC) Strange With all of its other problems solved, Scottish government turns its attention to the most pressing social issue of our time: Hedge Rage  (news.bbc.co.uk) (31)
(Breitbart.tv) Scary Lots of folks are AWs, but the lady who set herself on fire and then walked around at a mall is in a class by herself  (breitbart.tv) (266)
(SF Examiner) Misc Moving truck slams into building, quickly becomes stationary  (sfexaminer.com) (19)
(Yahoo) Interesting Inside the busy mind of a baby. "Tits tits tits tits tits tits murder tits tits tits tits tits"  (news.yahoo.com) (154)
(AJC) Scary Another month, another serial killer in North Carolina  (ajc.com) (66)
(Some Guy) Ironic Lawyer famed for fighting frivolous class action lawsuits files frivolous class action lawsuit  (law.com) (40)
(YourTango) Obvious A man is defined by the beer he drinks and the company he keeps but mostly the beer he drinks  (yourtango.com) (280)
(SMH) Stupid If your religion forbids you to wear itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, then you can always wear this bigsy wigsy sunny screeny crimson plain polyester burqini  (smh.com.au) (190)
(NPR) Amusing "Squeaky" Fromme released from prison, immediately signs with the Philadelphia Eagles  T-Shirt  (npr.org) (133)
(CNN) Followup Family thrilled about Kardashian pregnancy, Picard still screaming about 4 lights  T-Shirt  (cnn.com) (221)
(Canada.com) Spiffy University adds grade worse than F, so that employers can separate the crappy students from the shiatty students  (calgaryherald.com) (190)
(SFGate) Scary Snails wiping out oyster populations. Begun, the appetizer war has  (sfgate.com) (74)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Because of the economy and budget cuts, how will the first day of school look different this year?  (upload.wikimedia.org) (29)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Friday Photo Fun XXIV: Match the arrestee with the corporate giant logo. Deadline is 4PM Eastern  (thesmokinggun.com) (85)
(My Fox DC) Cool Finally, the tough questions. President Obama, will you be my homeboy?  (myfoxdc.com) (125)
(Reuters) Obvious Hillary Clinton: "The president considers himself a son of Africa." Birthers have a collective, crippling orgasm as they trample over one another to get Fox interviews  (reuters.com) (336)
(Hot Air) Interesting You know who would want us all to have universal healthcare? Surprisingly, the answer this time is Jesus Christ, not Hitler  (hotair.com) (901)
(New York Daily News) Followup While planes and helicopters collide over the Hudson, the air traffic controller was chatting on the phone with his girlfriend while his supervisor had wandered off and wasn't even in the tower. Both will likely be fired  (abclocal.go.com) (165)
(Democrat & Chronicle) Obvious Wal-Mart sees run on video games and electronics the same day "back to school" welfare program starts. Coincidence?  (democratandchronicle.com) (647)
(Wired) Spiffy Predator drones to be fitted with killer sound systems, sensurround subwoofers capable of melting internal organs with low-frequency renditions of "Ride of the Valkyries". I love the sound of hip-hop in the morning  (wired.com) (125)
(MSNBC) Followup The first rule of Retard Fight Club is: MEEP DERP. The second rule of Retard Fight Club is: the maximum sentence is 10 years in prison  (msnbc.msn.com) (179)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida If you know "Crazy Chris", the stabby hit-and-run driver, police would like a word with you  (southflorida.sun-sentinel.com) (23)
(ksbw.com) Scary Actual headline: "Shark Attack On Porpoise Closes 2 Beaches." At least we know that the shark attack wasn't an accident  T-Shirt  (ksbw.com) (67)
(WBBM) Spiffy Of course Joe Jackson attended the Gary Indiana tribute to Michael Jackson, he was paid to be there  (wbbm780.com) (61)
(Tampa Fark Party, August 15th) Florida Only 1 day left to make plans for the Tampa Fark party . D.I.T  (img.photobucket.com) (78)
(Metro) Stupid British boy earns qualification in successfully using a bus. He's obviously going to go far in life  (metro.co.uk) (62)
(Guardian.com) Strange Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish and he'll break into the Natural History Museum and steal their tropical bird collection  (guardian.co.uk) (26)
(Maxim) Amusing A flow-chart for every argument you've ever had with your girlfriend  (maxim.com) (599)
(Yahoo) Weird Fish falls from the sky and smashes a woman's windshield. At least that's what I've been herring  (news.yahoo.com) (53)
(Telegraph) Amusing If you can think of a better way to raise money for charity than a 21-mile topless swim, feel free to share  (telegraph.co.uk) (85)
(CNN) Asinine Clayton Bigsby joins Facebook, gets in trouble  (edition.cnn.com) (116)
(Scoop.co.nz) Strange Yes. Yes. Au G-g-g-god Yes  (wellington.scoop.co.nz) (86)
(azfamily.coom) Interesting Grocery store owner accused of telling a customer his lottery ticket wasn't a winner and trying to cash in on the $10,000 prize herself (w/ "Nic Cage-worthy haircut" mugshot)  (azfamily.com) (57)
(SMH) Dumbass C) Stab him in the ass  (smh.com.au) (54)
(UPI) Stupid City official wants to impose a $118 fine for swearing at police or firefighters. That's some fine farking police work there, Lou  (upi.com) (79)
(Miami Herald) Followup Cop who rear-ended a "drunk" woman who "cut into his lane" very unlucky; has 8 crashes in 11 years. Incidents include other rear-end collisions with drunks, and the time a metal pole high on cocaine stepped in front of him  (miamiherald.com) (204)
(New York Daily News) Weird Performance artist delivers fake crack while wearing a white tuxedo and dolphin headpiece. "It's just candy. Unfortunately, being criminally stupid is not illegal." (with pics)  (nydailynews.com) (63)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this shopping couple  (onlinestuff4u.com) (40)
(Google) PSA The British embassy will not help if you are not satisfied with your boob job  (google.com) (66)
(WWL) Amusing Brad Pitt on whether he will run for Mayor of New Orleans: "I'm running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform... I have no chance"  (wwl.com) (158)
(The Tennessean) Sappy Man pays $17,700 for permit in first Tennessee elk hunt in 150 years, gives it to his wife as a gift  (tennessean.com) (116)
(Some Guy) Weird What do bull testicles, horse tails, olives, eggs, blow-up sex dolls and cucumbers have in common?  (brisbanetimes.com.au) (81)
(New York Daily News) Hero One old man, four perps, one shotgun, two shots...several million delighted taxpayers  (nydailynews.com) (828)

Thu August 13, 2009
(Abc.net.au) Obvious After four years of research, fish experts conclude that female fish have different preferences in potential mates and their tastes change quite often  (abc.net.au) (40)
(NPR) Cool Finally a reason to go visit Grandma at the home  (npr.org) (82)
(Wired) Cool The 3-Point Seatbelt celebrates 50 years of wrinkling your clothes  (wired.com) (138)
(Canoe) Florida Doctor makes an "America Dies on Dunkin'" sign, gets applause and laughter from the local community. Just kidding, he was forced to resign  (cnews.canoe.ca) (172)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this flighty bird  (flickr.com) (33)
(KRQE Albuquerque) Weird Man accused of "humping" car in grocery store parking lot  (krqe.com) (83)
(Time) Sad When you call the Chief Justice in a last minute appeal for a stay of execution, the last thing you want to hear is, "We close at 5"  (time.com) (189)
(Kansas.com) Unlikely Anti-porn activists in Kansas want to force adult shops to close between midnight and 6 a.m  (kansas.com) (205)
(Some Guy) Amusing San Dimas residents discover a bear in their swimming pool. Most excellent  (nbcmiami.com) (67)
(AZCentral) Dumbass Remember: freedom of speech does not cover going to a town-hall meeting on health-care reform and holding up signs with death threats to the President and his wife. "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids"  (azcentral.com) (560)
(New Zealand Herald) Asinine New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation has declined a pledge of $7500 from a group because the money will be raised from a Boobs on Bikes parade and well, they don't want boobs to be associated with breast cancer  (nzherald.co.nz) (105)
(Some Guy) Amusing Kids Google the darndest things  (onlinefamilyinfo.norton.com) (269)
(Toronto Star) Obvious Stephen Harper, consistently embarrassing Canadians since 2006  (thestar.com) (161)
(AP) Obvious Gay couple shocked, SHOCKED that a Utah newspaper won't publish their wedding announcement. It's like the state's run by some weird religion or something  (comcast.net) (119)
(WBBM) Unlikely These two women would be Thelma and Louise if Thelma was 78 and Louise was 67  (wbbm780.com) (12)
(ktvb.com) Interesting Charter school to teach several versions of creationism. Still no word if being hacked up by the Great God Obbadiah Smith the Oatmeal Master is one of them  (ktvb.com) (43)
(Fox News) NewsFlash Standoff between red VW Bug and Police in Westwood, California. Suspect is wanted by Secret Service. LGT Live Feed  (interactive.foxnews.com) (lots)
(PennLive) Obvious "Angry Guy" ejected from health care town hall meeting has been collecting disability checks from the government for more than four years  (pennlive.com) (476)
(Sun Sentinel) Dumbass Man to apologise in 2019 to cops for his behavior during his arrest. This will be a repeat from 2009  (southflorida.sun-sentinel.com) (15)
(Miami Herald) Asinine Judge rules its ok to back up DVDs for personal use provided you don't own the illegal software to do that.. wait what?  (miamiherald.com) (173)
(Washington Post) Interesting Residue of World War I WMD found in DC. EVERYBODY FEEL A SMALL TINGE OF PANIC  (washingtonpost.com) (44)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Followup It's not exactly the Zapruder film, but the Cubs and Chicago PD hope to use it to discover the identity of the "real beer chucker"  (suntimes.com) (162)
(Wisconsin State Journal) Fail Step 1: Force all DMV employees to take a furlough on the same day. Step 2: Give those same employees overtime pay to catch up on the backlog created by the furlough. Step 3: Profit? Asinine tag gets stuck waiting for #92384 to be called  (madison.com) (100)
(New York Daily News) Stupid $140 million in federal stimulus spent to give each welfare parent $200 per kid. Bonus: "It's free money" and "Thank god for Obama. He's always looking out for us"  (nydailynews.com) (994)
(Yahoo) Obvious Days after being named Forbes' "Green Company of the Year," Exxon pleads guilty to killing a bunch of endangered birds with hazardous chemicals  (news.yahoo.com) (107)
(Internet News) Interesting The most popular language used by open source developers is.....C Well only if you count by line. No wait, it's JavaScript if you count stuff that projects kinda/sorta use. And hey if you use only one language it's likely Perl  (internetnews.com) (314)
(Some Enraged Bovine) Scary Thought the NY Times story of dangerous cows from a couple weeks ago was far-fetched? Behold the rampaging cow from the Kalamazoo fair. Now with video goodness  (mlive.com) (36)
(Some Guy) Scary Cop: "I pulled you over for talking on the phone." Woman: "I can prove I wasn't." Cop: "I mean I pulled you over for speeding." Woman: "Can I see the radar?" *ZZZAP* (w/ taserific vid)  (syracuse.com) (830)
(Chicago Tribune) Followup Judge releases man who had been jailed for contempt of court for yawning. If only there was some sort of gesture to sum up how anticlimactic the ending to this story is  (chicagobreakingnews.com) (37)
(Some Guy) Silly Pittsburgh is dressing up vacant downtown storefronts ahead of the G-20 summit, presumably to make them more attractive targets for brick throwing anarchists  (post-gazette.com) (37)
(CNN) Obvious It's mid-summer, time to start reporting on *checks calendar* fires in California  (edition.cnn.com) (50)
(BBC) Obvious Like anyone who spends much time hanging out in the Caribbean, Atlantic Hurricanes at 1,000-year high  (news.bbc.co.uk) (148)
(Daily Mail) Cool Penguin suddenly goes bald, gets new wetsuit  (dailymail.co.uk) (36)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Fark desktop wallpaper  (fark.com) (67)
(MSNBC) Stupid Thousands of Europeans who are bad at math are flying to Italy to play its lotto, hoping to win the 186 Million jackpot  (msnbc.msn.com) (81)
(The Big Money) Followup That unemployed woman suing her college might be justified after all. "If CNN can't tell the difference, it's not a surprise that young entering students can't, either"  (thebigmoney.com) (137)
(WBBM) Unlikely Former Clinton aide, model for the wacky Kathy Bates character in Primary Colors, charged with trying to smuggle contraband into prison  (wbbm780.com) (18)
(The New York Times) Interesting Britain frees "Great Train Robber" Ronnie Biggs after several years in prison, three decades on the run and a mediocre Phil Collins movie  (thelede.blogs.nytimes.com) (22)
(ESPN) Sappy For most people rain delays are a real pain. For the kids of Camp Sundown, it was a chance to get to watch an entire Yankee game from start to finish. Because they cannot be exposed to sunlight. Bonus: Yanks played 3AM wiffle ball with them  (sports.espn.go.com) (132)
(The New York Times) Asinine News: Yale University Press to publish "definitive" book on conversial Danish cartoons of Mohammad. Fark: The book will not actually reprint the cartoons  (nytimes.com) (89)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Brothers use pressure washer to clean giant bee hive. Hilarity ensues  (orlandosentinel.com) (80)
(WFTV) Hero Teen finds wallet with $2000 at mall. Mom of teen finds wallet with $1000 in it and mails it back to the owner. The owner is happy to have their $100 back  (wftv.com) (129)
(EFF) Amusing The Burning Man Terms and Conditions have changed for the worse. In other news, Burning Man has a Terms and Conditions  (eff.org) (181)
(CNN) Interesting Heart transplant patients push "physical limits" at Ironman Triathlon. Next push expected to be "up daisies"  (cnn.com) (38)
(My Fox DC) Fail News: Bus driver placed on leave after a photo of her using her phone while on duty surfaced. FARK: She was using her phone to call headquarters because her work issued radio didn't work  (myfoxdc.com) (55)
(Some Guy) Strange Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, give me all your money or I'll pop a cap  (momlogic.com) (22)
(Wonkette) Dumbass TSA announces new plans that ensure you won't blow-up a plane  (wonkette.com) (125)
(Fox News) Followup When it comes to the case of 18 month old Frances Hunter....Mr Edwards you ARE the father  (foxnews.com) (131)
(Daily Mail) Strange The upside of spending five days in a ditch is not remembering spending five days in a ditch  (dailymail.co.uk) (23)
(MTV) Plug I will move out of my parents' basement....in the next year. (Sponsored link)  (hpdeclare.mtv.com) (32)
(AFP) Obvious Right-wing militias on the rise. As opposed to left-wing militias, who would totally horde guns and shiat if they weren't so f*cking baked right now  (news.yahoo.com) (348)
(CNN) Followup Turns out the question Hillary went off about the other day was mistranslated -- the student meant to ask what Obama thought, not Bill Clinton  (cnn.com) (157)
(Yahoo) Followup Thousands expected at Shriver wake. So she was just sleeping?  (news.yahoo.com) (19)
(Canada.com) Unlikely Residents near park propose controversial new softball rules, like "pee inside" and "wear clothes"  (edmontonjournal.com) (32)
(BBC) Spiffy After going out on a limb, woman with prosthesis wins her employment tribunal, four-digit figure judgement against Abercrombie and Fitch, who claim their comments were just 'armless fun  (news.bbc.co.uk) (42)
(Boston Globe) Weird Welcome to Providence, where hookers are legal, the strippers are 16, and the Mayor is in jail  (boston.com) (84)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man hits and kills a cyclist and doesn't stop. Tries to get rid of the car in the cash for clunkers program claiming the damage was caused when he hit a javelina  (abc15.com) (68)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass Apparently it needs to be said again: if you're picked up for DUI, sleep it off before you go driving again  (boston.com) (26)
(CBC) Followup Those snowflakes accused of running down and beating a young moose may have an alibi. They were vandalizing a church at the time of the incident, so stop besmirching their names, or they'll beat you with sticks  (cbc.ca) (65)
(Canoe) Dumbass Slashing tires and breast-feeding your kid while drunk is no way to go through life, girl  (cnews.canoe.ca) (42)
(Baltimore Sun) Dumbass Protip: Don't give your ID to the teller before robbing the bank  (baltimoresun.com) (26)
(Danbury NewsTimes) Dumbass When breaking into a house, do you a) steal the TV, b) take some jewelry, or c) trim your pubic hair and leave it for the homeowner?  (newstimes.com) (65)
(Some Guy) Amusing You know the economy is bad when you have to pull a grab-and-go at a yard sale  (thebaynet.com) (30)
(Canoe) Weird Y'know when you pull up to a parking garage ticket machine, and you can't reach, so you open the door and lean wayyyy out? Yeah, don't do that  (cnews.canoe.ca) (181)
(The Frisky) Strange Some adults are worried that the latest trend in bar-mitzvah presents totally sucks  (thefrisky.com) (125)
(Gizmodo) Dumbass Your mother has just thrown out your collection of anime figures. Do you C) burn down her house?  (gizmodo.com) (321)
(The New York Times) Obvious The New York Times asks whether the Federal Reserve, which did such a stellar job with the likes of Madoff and AIG and probably burns every bag of popcorn it tries to make, can protect consumers  (economix.blogs.nytimes.com) (113)
(Hartford Courant) Interesting Connecticut looking to institute 41-strikes-and-you're-out law  (courant.com) (53)
(AZCentral) Fail Principal goes missing while her school goes into lockdown because of a report of a father with a gun. Lockdown resolved when principal finally calls in to let school know she was shacked up with said father in a hotel room  (azcentral.com) (208)
(CNN) PSA Protip: Car dealers will not accept nude pics of your 11-year-old sister in exchange for a car  (cnn.com) (96)
(Some Guy) Strange Man throws rocks at five people and tells them he was preparing for the Ultimate Fighting Championship and "he needed to practice getting knocked out so he could prepare."  (kitsapsun.com) (51)
(CBS News) Strange If you're 6' 7", weigh 250 pounds, you're going to stand out when you ring people's doorbells in the nude  (cbsnews.com) (68)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this "eat well" poster  (food.gov.uk) (59)
(WLBZ2.com) Stupid Police aren't sure if the two cases of bikers being hit with blow darts in Delaware within a week of each other are related  (wlbz2.com) (55)
(AZCentral) Stupid Another sign that some people just have too much time on their hands: a surge in the popularity of doggy playdates  (azcentral.com) (48)
(BBC) Asinine Terrorist convicted of Lockerbie airline bombing to be released, hopefully in midair  (news.bbc.co.uk) (86)
(LA Times) Obvious This story has it all. Steamed corn, kidney transplants & Nancy Pelosi. Get your rage on  (latimes.com) (98)
(AZCentral) Cool New principal to former principal: "you mishandled school funds." Former principal to new principal: "Oh yeah? You run an online escort service." New principal: "Uhhh...I'm gonna resign now, later."  (azcentral.com) (82)
(Some Guy) Cool Abdandoned subway stations of the world  (infrastructurist.com) (143)
(Stuff) Unlikely Christian faith-healing clinic opens, uses "aggressive" prayer techniques to cure cancer, broken bones and mental illness  (stuff.co.nz) (475)
(Stars and Stripes) Unlikely Kansas lawmakers prepare to fight against Gitmo detainees transferring to Fort Leavenworth because military maximum-security prison surrounded by 5000 Army troops can't deal with "dangerous terrorists."  (stripes.com) (154)
(Livenews) Dumbass If you're a biker with a rap sheet wanting to change your name to avoid police detection, pretty please, use something other than "Tony Soprano"  (livenews.com.au) (11)
(Some DNA strand) Stupid Parents freak out over sculpture of a strand of DNA on UC Berkeley campus. "It's vile and offensive, and kids have no business seeing what God thought fit to hide from our eyes."  (stateofprotest.com) (253)
(Free Press) Cool In a sign of the times, Detroit police dust off a 1963 squad car and hit the streets. (Warning: slide show)  (freep.com) (85)
(News 1130) Obvious Vancouver PD warns that UFC is popular with gang members, as well as cinema, hockey and breathing  (news1130.com) (56)
(3 News New Zealand) Weird If you ever find yourself cycling down a Louisiana street with drug paraphernalia in your bag and an alligator on your shoulders, perhaps you should rethink your path in life  (3news.co.nz) (43)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 223: "Do It Yourself". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (94)

Wed August 12, 2009
(Telegraph) Spiffy Ballsy squirrel crashes couple's holiday photo in Canada. Damn Canadian squirrels, ruining all our phot ... AWWWWWW  (telegraph.co.uk) (120)
(Daily Star) Obvious Britain calls for ban on all immigrants who don't speak English, ignoring the fact that the British can't  (dailystar.co.uk) (142)
(The Register Citizen) Silly French fries. Oil fire. Garden hose. This is not going to end up well  (registercitizen.com) (47)
(Science Daily) Ironic Man who organized Prop 8 to protect the "sanctity" of marriage is divorcing his wife of 43 years  (sdcitybeat.com) (239)
(officer.com) Strange California woman allegedly assaults man with horse. The horse said it was all the woman's idea  (officer.com) (41)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these smoking hot hands  (zocalopublicsquare.org) (54)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Alberto Gonzalez finally recalls something enough to regret it  (msnbc.msn.com) (139)
(Fox News) Scary Medical officials warn: Meth can cause serious health conditions. Fark: and contribute to bad hair decisions  (fox5sandiego.com) (150)
(Sky News) Strange Rabbis fight swine flu by using a plane to dust Israel with airborne prayers  (news.sky.com) (69)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Drunk woman helpfully makes herself available for arrest by crashing into patrol car  (naplesnews.com) (19)
(PennLive) Strange Police note that the car was vandalized with chocolate and vanilla with sugar icing in a blue and orange color scheme, very moist and fresh to the touch, and that the vehicle was previously assaulted with Twinkies. Welcome to Pennsylvania  (pennlive.com) (42)
(CNN) Unlikely Travel agents are becoming popular and people are turning away from internet booking. Oh yeah sure, uh-huh  (cnn.com) (70)
(Some Guy) Amusing The Swallows may return to Capistrano, but they can't beat the Grackles' return to Missouri  (mexicoledger.com) (47)
(Some Guy) Scary Prescription painkiller pill popping police Chief pops cop cruiser into parked car, flees to Florida  (wptz.com) (29)
(The Consumerist) Fail Americans pay the most for cell phone service, more than $50 a month. In countries like Holland and Sweden, it's practically free  (consumerist.com) (283)
(Seacoastonline.com) Amusing Cops arrest pot dealer for ripping off customer  (seacoastonline.com) (51)
(Some Real Estate Blog) Spiffy World's coolest bedroom has a bed that looks like a Y-Wing. As you might expect, it's in the basement  (lovelylisting.com) (294)
(YouTube) Amusing "Adopt A Pet" TV segment goes horribly wrong  (youtube.com) (218)
(MinnPost) Interesting We lie a lot. And that's the truth  (minnpost.com) (102)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Man finds rock sitting next to hole. Takes obvious next step of having it tested to see if it's a meteorite  (khq.com) (96)
(National Post) Stupid "Detroit is a city that has been going through an incredible renaissance. We have wonderful history, great architecture and fabulous ethnic restaurants. We also have 37% less crime than the national average"  (nationalpost.com) (243)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass Pro tip: Don't challenge the Dartmouth MA police with nothing but vodka and orange juice  (boston.com) (43)
(Yahoo) Spiffy P- P- P- Police make arrest in d- d- daring London jewelry rob- b- b- robbery  (news.yahoo.com) (68)
(The Goods) Weird Abe Lincoln and a big purple dildo. Never thought those would go together (some nsfw language) (sponsored link)  (livehardsellhard.com) (57)
(Canada.com) Sick The sign said not to feed the bears, but it didn't say anything about beating a moose with a stick  (canada.com) (153)
(The New York Times) Interesting Sacramento to build city-within-a-city, providing developers can clean up a centuries worth of railroad-related toxins  (nytimes.com) (115)
(AP) Scary Woman repeatedly bitten by otters. Eric Stratton, rush chairman, would be damned glad to meet her  (apnews.myway.com) (108)
(CBS New York) Stupid If you had today as the day the first wrongful death swine flu lawsuit would be filed, step up and collect your prize. And cover your mouth when you cough  (wcbstv.com) (87)
(The Sun) Stupid Scientists reveal ideal animal, based on survey: Rabbit ears, face of a cat, body of a golden retriever and tail of a horse. Still no cure for cancer (with WTF pic)  (thesun.co.uk) (254)
(London Times) Scary Pirates spotted in English Channel. This is not a repeat from 1651  (business.timesonline.co.uk) (111)
(some sneaky Hobbes) Amusing "The woman said she saw a tiger laying in her front lawn with two small deer standing next to it - something that immediately aroused skepticism"  (dailytimes.com) (62)
(Toronto Sun) Amusing "Dear Mr. Editor: I would like to inform you Scarlett Johansson actually is a clone ... created illegally by using stolen biological material." Is not the right way to start a Letter to the Editor  (torontosun.com) (103)
(The Local (Sweden)) Interesting Swedish hunters report seeing massive elk explosion. Mind you, elk explosions Kan be pretty messi  (thelocal.se) (60)
(The Sun) Obvious I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a picture of a duck wearing shoes  (thesun.co.uk) (34)
(The Local (Germany)) Scary Poisoned arugula pulled off supermarket shelves; Secret Service goes on high alert  (thelocal.de) (88)
(NYPost) Scary Laundromat worker frightened by giant trouser snake. No, this is not the plot of the latest Jenna Jameson flick  (nypost.com) (85)
(Guardian.com) Obvious "I realise now that my cheating on Choose Your Own Adventure books was the precursor to my shameful, much struggled with tendency these days to take a quick peek at the end of a book if I can't bear the suspense any longer"  (guardian.co.uk) (127)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this perfect storm of turbulent gases  (spacetelescope.org) (51)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida Park officials repeatedly warn guy about letting his Dalmation drink from alligator-infested lake. You know what happened next. Now he's mad: "Why do we have alligators in a public lake?"  (jacksonville.com) (410)
(Washington Post) Stupid ...on the other hand, if a judge tells you he's about to let the air out of your car tires, you should probably believe him  (washingtonpost.com) (42)
(justnews.com) Florida Scorpion hitches a ride to Miami International Airport, gets in an ugly fight with Sub-Zero in the parking lot  (justnews.com) (58)
(AL.com) Dumbass Man's job interview does not go as planned after he admits to possession of child pornography and having sex with an underage girl. Bonus: interview was with the police  (blog.al.com) (160)
(Reuters) Dumbass Last week, Indonesian police struck a valiant blow against terrorism by shooting dead notorious Islamic militant Noordin Mohammad Top. Except that they shot the wrong guy. Oops  (reuters.com) (35)
(USA Today) Interesting ASPIRIN. Apply directly to colon  (usatoday.com) (64)
(MetroWest Daily News) Followup Special Olympians around the world express heartfelt "Faaaannn gyuuuuu" to Eunice Kennedy Shriver  T-Shirt  (metrowestdailynews.com) (251)
(awkwardfamilyphotos .com) Weird Old and busted: Wearing a corsage to go with your prom dress. New hotness: Holding a chicken  (awkwardfamilyphotos.com) (69)
(WFTV) Florida Sometimes, you might find a penny or a dime on the sidewalk. These people found a 60-pound bag of cocaine worth $1 million  (wftv.com) (153)
(London Times) Interesting British government to ban spice. Yeah, we'll just see what Muad'Dib has to say about that  (timesonline.co.uk) (159)
(Some Nut Muncher) Caption Caption this bashful squirrel  (i86.photobucket.com) (68)
(Some Tulsaunian) Stupid Not News: Oklahoma mayoral candidate pushing for new zoo exhibit. News: Exhibit would depict the story of Genesis as the origin of animals. Fark: She's winning  (newson6.com) (610)
(Billings Gazette) Asinine Police chief: Our cops who tased a 76-year-old man driving an antique tractor during a parade "probably didn't do things the best way"  (billingsgazette.com) (144)
(WBBM) Dumbass If you're charged with robbing a bank, telling the cops "I'm an idiot", is not going to be a good legal strategy  (wbbm780.com) (12)
(News.com.au) Strange Cops Baffled by $10,000 worth of Cucumber Thefts. Subby suggests looking for known female criminals with smiles on their faces  (news.ninemsn.com.au) (56)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Censored  (fark.com) (63)
(Daily Mail) Fail Man killed by shard of glass after hurling his girlfriend through a store window. Ain't karma a biatch??  (dailymail.co.uk) (100)
(Daily Mail) Weird British drivers scared by Children of the Corn-like mannequins. You'd better believe there are pics  (dailymail.co.uk) (95)
(Albany Times Union) Amusing Married couple, ages 58 and 71, walk into NY Capitol with a pot plant to protest drug laws. FARK worthy quote 'We're on a mission from God -- like the Blues Brothers"  (timesunion.com) (69)
(Rome News-Tribune) Fail "There can be only one...OWWWW"  (rn-t.com) (70)

Tue August 11, 2009
(Bernama) Unlikely Doctor claims homosexual activities and masturbation increase risk of getting swine flu. You know how I know you're gay?  (bernama.com) (193)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Schoolgirl nicknamed the "hunchback of Notre Dame" has surgery to correct her back problems. Something about this story really rings a bell  (dailymail.co.uk) (126)
(Fox 5 San Diego) Dumbass Angry biker decides to teach an RV driver a lesson by pulling in front and jamming on the brakes  (fox5sandiego.com) (349)
(Daily Mail) Strange If slamming down some energy drinks gives you a good buzz, think what they'll do for the bees  (dailymail.co.uk) (46)
(Washington Post) Silly Precious snowflakes having "quarter-life crises" upon encountering what the rest of us call "the real world"  (washingtonpost.com) (464)
(KENS5) Amusing Today's assault with a deadly weapon winner is ...... (spins wheel)...... Deer Antlers - Austin, Texas. C'mon up and claim your prize, Austin  (kens5.com) (37)
(Tacoma News Tribune) Interesting Psychic offers to cleanse money of evil spirits, instead cleans out seven families to the tune of $140,000  (blogs.thenewstribune.com) (87)
(SFGate) Amusing "So, what are you in for?" "Tomatoes."  (sfgate.com) (47)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Reality shows that would appeal to your grandparents  (fark.com) (78)
(Mercury News) Asinine Let's try this again: When the guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot offers you a brand-new 37-inch Sony flat screen television for $100, it's an oven door  (mercurynews.com) (135)
(Fox News) Sick Host of a TV crime show may have ordered killings to boost ratings. Kate Gosselin seen taking notes  (foxnews.com) (86)
(MSNBC) Stupid In an effort to foster a calm and reasoned debate, protester straps gun to his leg outside townhall where Obama is scheduled to appear EVERYBODY PANIC  (firstread.msnbc.msn.com) (¾)
(Examiner) Hero Chavez gets PWNd by Colombia's President Alvaro Uribe  (examiner.com) (351)
(Tampa Fark party) Florida This Saturday, August 15th is the Tampa Fark party. D.I.T  (img.photobucket.com) (98)
(BBC) Obvious Pig steals woman's diamond ring off her hand. Farmer reassures her that this too shall pass  (news.bbc.co.uk) (38)
(Some Pervvy Wanker) Amusing Idiot calls her boss a "pervvy wanker", on Facebook, after adding him  (geekologie.com) (243)
(New York Daily News) Scary Your flip-flops harbor deadly bacteria that could kill you. EVERYBODY PANIC AND RUN AWAY COMICALLY FLIP-FLOPPING  (nydailynews.com) (225)
(Huffington Post) Followup Full text of House Health Care Bill because Chuck Norris isn't afraid of anything except the description of grant funding for states to offer voluntary home visits for parents on page 838  (big.assets.huffingtonpost.com) (719)
(Bloomberg) Obvious Continental asked to explain why passengers were stranded on a plane for six hours in Rochester, MN. Since their answer won't be 'because we're farking incompentent, that's why', we can assume they will lie  (bloomberg.com) (198)
(Canoe) Cool 40 million pounds of jewelry stolen. How the hell did they carry it all?  (cnews.canoe.ca) (66)
(The Sun) Ironic Crystal ball sets woman's home on fire. She really should have seen that coming (pic)  (thesun.co.uk) (88)
(Fox News) Amusing Somail pirates learning new tricks from ticketmaster  (foxnews.com) (80)
(TC Palm) Florida Just like Superman, a guy comes to the rescue of a woman being robbed. Unlike Superman, he got shot in the nuts for his troubles  (tcpalm.com) (56)
(CNN) Followup Chevy Volt to get 230mpg in much the same way that your mom can say she's 'lost weight' and Obama can say 45 million are uninsured: by fudging the numbers  (money.cnn.com) (354)
(SLTrib) Spiffy Utah's NBC affiliate refuses to air network's new prime-time poker game show, on grounds of morality. Rest of the world disapproves of NBC programming on grounds of unwatchability  (sltrib.com) (117)
(MTV) Obvious Actual headline: "Miley Cyrus pole dances, praises trailers at Teen Choice Awards"  (newsroom.mtv.com) (178)
(Baltimore Sun) Dumbass Not news: man has yard sale. Also not news: neighbor comes over to look. Fark: and finds $25K worth of stuff he burgled from her last week  (wbaltv.com) (80)
(YouTube) Silly Pixar director promises to smash his face into a cake when he reaches 5,000 followers on twitter, keeps promise  (youtube.com) (76)
(Houston Chronicle) Scary Connection to Cholos gang investigated in slayings, after chewy caramel residue was found with traces of milk chocolate  (chron.com) (39)
(WSBT) Amusing If you're the bozo chasing cars at 3 in the morning, the kops would like a word with you  (wsbt.com) (38)
(FARK) Photoshop ♬ Chewing out an image on my wacom ♩ The Corpse is out and I want some ♩ It's not hard, not far to reach, we can clone an image of Farkaway Beach ♩ Fark Fark Farkaway Beach ♬  (corpse.elchode.com) (217)
(Daily Mail) Weird Lady interprets the voices in her head as the Mona Lisa requesting a cup of tea, and obliges her  (dailymail.co.uk) (67)
(Some Guy) Fail DC Metro employees are so high on drugs they can't count to ten  (washingtonexaminer.com) (200)
(Metro) Unlikely "A paramedic who allegedly had oral sex in a hospital car park while on duty insisted he was only trying to comfort a sobbing woman"  (metro.co.uk) (171)
(Townhall) Cool Chuck Norris vs. The fine print of Obamacare. Round 1  (townhall.com) (736)
(Comedy Central) Obvious Obama just wants to deny people the access to private for-profit death panels  (thedailyshow.com) (94)
(Telegraph) Interesting People are starting to wonder about the security of Britain's food supply. Yeah, as if anyone is likely to want to steal that  (telegraph.co.uk) (39)
(KFDM.com) Asinine Giant Brass Balls Award goes to the guy who sues Wal-Mart for $100,000 over a dislocated shoulder that he received after he was caught shoplifting  (kfdm.com) (162)
(Washington Post) Scary Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can shoot some biatches  (washingtonpost.com) (88)
(The Local (Germany)) Scary This probably isn't what he meant when he said he wanted to get totally blitzed at a German castle  (thelocal.de) (30)
(102.7 WEBN Cincinnati OH) Stupid Girls love vampires, as long as they're just hooking up with underage girls & not scary or drinking blood or anything  (webn.com) (380)
(New Scientist) Interesting Always insult someone when they're laying down. They take it better, and you get a head start if they get up to slug you, according to scientists who have nothing better to study  (newscientist.com) (41)
(Yahoo) Amusing Police find a bride still in her wedding dress passed out next to a crate of vodka in a locked car. Still missing are both the car keys and her new husband  (news.yahoo.com) (63)
(TC Palm) Florida Man finishes building all by himself a boat that's 52 feet long, 22 feet tall and weighs 40 tons. It's so big he can't get it out of the warehouse he built it in  (tcpalm.com) (169)
(CNN) Followup Number 2 that was dropped trying for Number 1 may have been a waste. Other Number 2's raising stink that Number 1 was uninterrupted. Number 1's status described as fluid  (cnn.com) (33)
(USA Today) PSA Swine flu vaccine trials start today. If you see a little blonde girl setting fires with her mind, get out of there  (usatoday.com) (35)
(Chicago Tribune) Strange Old advice: never look a gift horse in the mouth. New advice: never punch a police horse in the mouth  (chicagobreakingnews.com) (39)
(The Superficial) Interesting Whoever airbrushed Kelly Clarkson on the cover of this magazine deserves some kind of award  (thesuperficial.com) (371)
(Some Guy) Amusing Wife of Twitter CEO tweets while giving birth: "OK, baby is coming out"  (capitalradio.co.uk) (76)
(Mercury News) Scary ˙sʞɔns sıɥʇ ןןǝʍ  (mercurynews.com) (58)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Cool Judge wants to see the convicted be punished by getting paddled in the middle of town square. "I'm looking at options"  (news.cincinnati.com) (57)
(BBC) Sad We put you through / A flim-flam trial / Now you're obliged / To stay a while - Burma Slave  (news.bbc.co.uk) (56)
(Sky News) Cool Israel swamped by mermaid sightings: "Many people are telling us they are sure they've seen a mermaid and they are all independent of each other. People say it is half girl, half fish, jumping like a dolphin"  (news.sky.com) (181)
(Some Guy) Obvious Poll finds 143% of New Jersey voters think political corruption is a big issue  (politickernj.com) (74)
(Boston Herald) Stupid Massachusetts toll transponder system doesn't work right if cars follow too closely through tolls. Good thing Boston doesn't have heavy traffic or tailgaters  (bostonherald.com) (69)
(WCBS 880) Sad President John F. Kennedy's sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver, a champion for the rights of the mentally disabled and founder of the Special Olympics, has died. She was 88  (wcbs880.com) (169)
(Fox News) Strange And todays winner for Made for Fark Headline is brought to you by Fox News: "Mom accused of Cutting Off Son's Genitals blames dog"  (foxnews.com) (86)
(USA Today) Interesting For some reason, American companies are getting more productive despite the fact that you and Bob are the only two guys left doing any work. And Bob sucks  (usatoday.com) (299)
(News.com.au) Strange Man destroys house with flaming bobcat. Would not buy again  (news.com.au) (45)
(Mirror.co.uk) Cool British supermarket launches extra-large condoms just in case submitter decides to visit their country, leaving his wife, Morgan Fairchild, at home  (mirror.co.uk) (120)
(Guardian.com) Stupid Harvard University licenses a "slim-cut preppy clothing line" that looks like a trust fund threw up a partially masticated J. Crew catalogue  (guardian.co.uk) (98)
(Daily Mail) Strange Predictive text keypads cause kids to become fast, error-prone and impulsive, as compared with rotary-dial kids, who were slow, loud and really, really annoying  (dailymail.co.uk) (48)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Silly There is a blue bin for plastics, cans and glass, which includes a black inner pod for paper. There are also green and brown wheelie bins, plus a green box for cardboard and a red bag for textiles  (lep.co.uk) (61)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this touchy tooth  (s.wsj.net) (22)
(Yahoo) Dumbass Yawhgih no drawkcab gnivird nam tserra eciloP  (news.yahoo.com) (49)
(Some Guy) Dumbass When going car shopping, it's generally not a good idea to buy a used car from someone whose 'lot' is in a strip mall's parking lot  (bakersfieldnow.com) (31)
(News.com.au) Stupid Burglar armed with Buzz Lightyear toy gun meets victim with sawn-off shotgun. It's no toy story  (news.com.au) (57)
(Some Lawn Guy) Hero Today's tale of a 25-year old thief hogtied by a 69-year old man brought to you by La Crosse, Washington (Bonus: left him in the middle of Main Street)  (kxly.com) (64)
(Some Guy) Florida "Neighbors said they suspected B's Barber Shop, because customers often came and went without a haircut."  (970wfla.com) (45)
(WFTV) Florida Teen runs away from Ohio to Orlando to live with pastor, claims father planning to kill her for converting from Islam to Christianity. Wasn't this script on Law and Order last year?  (wftv.com) (198)
(CNN) Interesting Who knew handjobs could be worth $1,200 a day?  (cnn.com) (67)
(Local6) Florida Shark tires of American fast food, orders out for paella  (clickorlando.com) (48)
(eBay) Unlikely For sale: 1990 Mercedes. 54,000 miles, runs well, owner is Christ's grandson  (cgi.ebay.com) (139)

Mon August 10, 2009
(Some Guy) Dumbass Only in Philly: Man snatches the purse of a 3-year-old girl  (myfoxphilly.com) (88)
(Denver Post) Amusing Hillary Clinton: "I'm secretary of state, not Bill." hisssss  (denverpost.com) (268)
(Oregon Live) Weird Portland's knitting community sets world record for simultaneous knitting at "Sock Summit 2009"  (oregonlive.com) (50)
(Yahoo) Interesting Healthcare debate not contentious enough for you? Better get ready then, Obama is promising an immigration reform bill this year as well  (news.yahoo.com) (281)
(Some pachyderm) Amusing I don't know what's going on here but it involves an elephant trapped in a hole for some reason  (ekstrabladet.dk) (61)
(Daily Mail) Cool Everyone run for your lives. Ladybugs  (dailymail.co.uk) (71)
(Some Guy) Misc Dropping Aryan Nation literature in front lawns? That's a litter ticketin'  (khq.com) (127)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Not that it's any excuse, but we honestly didn't know it was a crime -- if we did we wouldn't have uploaded it to the Internet"  (edmontonsun.com) (122)
(Houston Press) Asinine Judge tells woman she couldn't have been raped, because she was "on top"  (blogs.houstonpress.com) (152)
(Talking Points Memo) Scary Police confirm gun dropped at Democratic town hall meeting. Truly begun the healthcare wars have  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com) (508)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Some goofy guy arrested for grabbing Minnie Mouse's big thunder mountains at Disney World. The Aristocats  (orlandosentinel.com) (64)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this homeless Tokyo man (Yes, he was really wearing that shirt)  (i198.photobucket.com) (43)
(Nerve) Advice Advice to women: "Do not make guys more complicated than we really are." Also, don't look in the folder labeled 'grandpa's birthday photos.' It's not what you think  (blogs.nerve.com) (383)
(News.com.au) Scary If you can tell the difference between heart medication and sleeping tablets then you're already more qualified than this Australian pharmacist  (news.com.au) (33)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Today's probably inappropriate headline, "We're #1 . . . in attacks on the homeless"  (blogs.orlandosentinel.com) (142)
(Some Guy) Misc You know a bachelor party is good when 25 cops from 4 different agencies stop by  (khq.com) (47)
(Telegraph) Interesting Caterpillar sex party wards off predators  (telegraph.co.uk) (26)
(WBBM) Followup Pittsburgh gym killer had been stopped by police a week before his rampage  (wbbm780.com) (63)
(officer.com) Weird Man pulled over and charged with two theft charges, one count of driving with a suspended license and one count of animal cruelty......for the wet hamster in his glove box  (officer.com) (30)
(CBS News) Scary The first rule of Cripple Fight Club is you don't talk about Cripple Fight Club to the District Attorney  (cbsnews.com) (60)
(YouTube) Spiffy A 3D Exploration of Picasso's Guernica for some reason  (youtube.com) (95)
(Some Guy) News Strap on the wading boots and break out the sandbags. Two major earthquakes recorded in Tokyo and the Indian Ocean  (earthquake.usgs.gov) (194)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Sucks to be a miniature horse but born a dwarf too? With his luck, he'll end up the smallest bottle of school glue ever made (with Awwww pics)  (dailymail.co.uk) (133)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida "I don't want to sound un-Christian, but that's just dumb."  (blogs.tampabay.com) (200)
(fox13now) Weird Hey, I have an idea. Let's give a bunch of loaded rifles to a busload of blind kids  (fox13now.com) (84)
(The New York Times) Dumbass Let's play Identify the Former Bush Official: "What kind of syllabus have you put together?" "You mean what am I going to be teaching?"  (nytimes.com) (156)
(London Times) Interesting British resort bans skintight Speedos, offers complimentary waxings to all male guests so they don't gross other bathers out  (timesonline.co.uk) (248)
(Drew) FarkBlog Running from Tobagos, land speed in hectares per hogshead and a whole new breed of enamel: Headlines of the Week 8/2 to 8/8  (fark.com) (37)
(The New York Times) Amusing Fulbright scholar and international journalist gets her big literary break writing about poo  (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com) (57)
(Huffington Post) Amusing Slideshow of presidents and first ladies in swimsuits  (huffingtonpost.com) (139)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida "And while Anderson was in the Niceville police holding cell, she was overheard telling one of her passengers that she "had cocaine" in her "coochy.""  (blogs.tampabay.com) (114)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Spiffy Farker James Lileks finds four baby bunnies in his backyard, asks you to name the fourth. They're: Flopsy, Mopsy, Dropsy and...? Spork? Gary? Sir Fluffy McAdorable?  (startribune.com) (443)
(Florida Today) Florida Man pretends to be mentally disabled adult, dupes woman into caring for him and changing his diapers. Guess he was trying to fit in with the neighbors  (floridatoday.com) (117)
(CTV) Hero US Military monitors Twitter, YouTube, Fark. Wave at the nice man with the machine gun, guys. *wave*  (ctv.ca) (260)
(WESH Orlando) Florida Learning Spanish could give a boost to your career, even if you're a robber  (wesh.com) (25)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this megaphone on the move  (s.wsj.net) (47)
(News.com.au) Strange Woman strips naked and leaps to her death after completing a self-help seminar  (news.com.au) (204)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass 13-year old boy breaks into railway depot and accidentally touches 25kv overhead line. Yep, he's grounded  T-Shirt  (dailymail.co.uk) (251)
(Bloomberg) Interesting Construction begins on what will be London's largest skyscraper. Some might consider that the owners are trying to compensate for something, but that's just a phallusy  (bloomberg.com) (63)
(failuremag.com) Weird You report a false plane crash, we decide to bill you $30,000  (failuremag.com) (67)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these balloons  (cdn-www.airliners.net) (44)
(Denver Post) Amusing Unemployed woman spends $173 on a "blue raspberry," curly-tailed cocker spaniel costume so she could be in the Fursuit Parade during the third annual Rocky Mountain Fur Con. "Those people are nuts and must be on drugs"  (denverpost.com) (438)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Dairy Queen employee assaulted with milkshake customer found "too thick", now customer's milkshake might bring all the boys to the (prison)yard  (sltrib.com) (116)
(New Zealand Herald) Dumbass It's not a good party until some naked, drunk Aussie passes out in the wrong hotel room, in bed with total strangers  (nzherald.co.nz) (70)
(BBC) Scary Scores injured in overnight riot at California state prison in Chino, many reportedly hospitalized, smart, yet casual  T-Shirt  (news.bbc.co.uk) (69)
(STLToday) Dumbass Letting out one of those loud, prolonged yawns in the courtroom while your cousin is being sentenced by the judge? That's six months in the funhouse for contempt  (stltoday.com) (150)
(The Sun) Scary New weapon in gang warfare: snakes  (thesun.co.uk) (86)
(Salon) Asinine Pastor convinced health club gunman he was going to heaven, despite committing mass murder. "We believe in permanent security -- once saved, always saved. He will be judged, but he will be in heaven."  (salon.com) (311)
(Fox News) Dumbass I don't always hit and drag a cop after drinking Dos Equis but when I do, I do it in Idaho  (foxnews.com) (201)
(Abc.net.au) Weird Boris, the giant inflatable clown, has been found and wants better working conditions  (abc.net.au) (30)

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