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Sun February 22, 2009
MOM, I told you not to call me while I'm robbing houses
Westboro asshats showing up at memorial services for Continental Flight 3407 victims, dozens of counter-protestors shield mourners
ALMOST no one puts Baby in a corner
The stabbee becomes the stabber...gets all stabby and kills robber
Magic Dust found sprinkled all over Disneyland, causes terrorism lockdown. Tinkerbell held for questioning
Man breaks his own world record by smashing 47 watermelons with his head. Suck it, Gallagher
Will Slumdog Millionaire strike it rich? Will Kate Winslet finally get a stiff little man to put between her two Golden Globes? It's your 81st Annual Academy Awards thread
A sleeping bag that looks like a bear might seem like a great idea, unless a bear tries to mate with you. Or as furries would call it, "dying and going to heaven"
Stimulus package contains $8B for high speed rail, meaning a bullet train between Chicago and Vegas. Thats stimulus we can believe in
Japanese hospital apologizes for implanting wrong fertilized egg in patient, hopes she'll get ova it
Tennessee loves to exploit their dogs. Don't believe me? Knoxville came up with a festival for dogs called "Mardi Growl". Just throw a few beads and they show you 8 tits
Photoshop this formation
DoD grants $1.9 million to study facial expressions. After reading first line of article, subby applies for grant to study the danger of bullets to the head
You ever wonder who actually falls for those Nigerian scam e-mails? A little bank called Citibank did....to the tune of $27 million
Giggity University study shows 77% of women say that their sex life was at its best in their 40s; "It's one of the best-kept secrets of women's lives"
In turnabout, UK top snooper, having called a rental, verily rented from her sister, her permanent home at which she rarely did reside, was henceforth outed, by neighbors none too happy
When will the recession end? Sometime mid-year, according to Fed models that have accurately predicted the past 7 recessions
Federal government buys new police cars and radar guns for police chief, arrests him after he uses them to run speed traps
When they raised cigarette taxes, few complained. When they raised liquor taxes, few complained. When they raise gas taxes, brace yourself for the howling of the masses eager for blood
St. Patrick's Day pub crawl forced to change its name after someone finds it objectionable. In other news, apparently there IS an Irishman out there without a sense of humor and who doesn't like to drink
Japanese boy sleuth leads police to porn thief. That never happened to Encyclopedia Brown
Having addressed all crime and social ills, NYC turns the full power of its government against the scourge of: idling cars
McDonalds employee filing workmans comp for getting shot at work while trying to stop a woman from being assaulted is told, and we quote, "to go fark himself"
Seaman shooters arrested
South Korea calls for nuke-free peninsula. Penisula
Cooking oil catches fire in your pan. Do you c) try to carry the flaming pan to another room?
Photoshop this cameraman and his wheelie thing
Quick, can you name the fifteen emptiest cities in America?
Pakistan official kidnapped in Swat Valley. If only there was some specialized police unit that could be called out to rescue him
In Soviet Russia, hot girl moves to Oregon where she turns a routine DUI arrest into a police standoff. With pic
In today's tough economic climate, a Queens Catholic church is happy for any donation, no matter how small. Just kidding - the cheapskates who only give a buck or two are being outed in their weekly newsletter
If you're an assistant attorney general carrying weed wrapped in a Christmas present, don't do it in February with a gun in your van. Professor Plum unavailable for comment
Caption this image of Kristin Kreuk kicking ass
(The City Paper)
Old and Busted : "Video Games made me do it." New Hotness: "NASCAR made me do it"
Meet the sperm donor for Octomom...he's the Riddler
Dating world reaches a new low: Captain Save-a-Ho arrested for bein' a pimp
Panera Bread cordoned off by bomb squad after someone discovers a transient electric guitar player's homemade power device
Life and death as a 25-year-old obituary writer with platinum hair and stiletto heels (w/ pics)
W stocks up on flashlights, batteries, and lube at local hardware store. Does he know something we don't?
Doctors warn: being drunk for three months straight can be hazardous to your health
NAACP calls for firing of New York Post cartoonist. Doesn't care if they hire some monkey to replace him
Rise, Sir Osis of the liver
Photoshop this flight sim somewhere more interesting
Man decides to go bungee jumping, thinks there's nothing wrong with the cord. Frayed knot.
Sat February 21, 2009
Even though nobody's doing it yet, it will be illegal in Oklahoma to get your eyeballs tattooed. Emo kids given yet another reason to hate life
Six minutes of Santa Cruz City Council public comments. Blue Shirt girl has taken the rambling pointless answer title from 2007 Miss Teen South Carolina
Dear TSA, I'm unarmed. Sincerely, Naked in Tulsa
Photoshop this stuck dog
Pakistan hopes Taliban will continue cease-fire after essentially giving them control of region, hopes mouse won't ask for anything more after giving him a cookie
Man killed with crossbow after quarrel
Old and busted: Catholic Priest sex scandal. New Hotness: Buddhist Monk sex Scandal. So, would that be Monk, he see - Monk, he do?
Man finds hundreds of dollars in a Goodwill, solicits media to help him find the rightful owner. Owner steps forward, offers man reward; man gives the reward to owner of an assisted living center
Having solved all other issues, Vermont lawmakers debate whether citizens have the right to dry their clothes outside. In other news, it gets warm enough in Vermont to hang clothes
8... 9... 10. 10 new Catholic saints to be canonized this year, ah ah ah
Today's "teenage girl charged with 'child pornography' charges for taking, emailing nude pics of herself" story comes from Pennsylvania. Can't they just have sex with their teachers instead? It's safer
Ugly-ass Colobus monkey born at Calgary Zoo (w/pic), immediately starts work on Canadian stimulus programme
Scientists want to use "ball lightning" as a weapon. What could possibly go wrong?
It's World Banana Day. Don't let this one slip you by
When an unmarked police car cuts you off in traffic, waving your gun at him is probably a bad idea
Eastern Kentuckians angry at top-rated "20/20" report that portrayed Appalachia as hive of people with missing teeth, mired in hopeless poverty, and strung out on drugs
News: Man jailed for weapons posession after bringing a loaded revolver to a hospital ER Fark: Man was brought to ER by ambulance after being found unconscious
Today's "female teacher arrested for sex with a male student story" is from . . . throws dart at map . . . North Carolina. (With pic that proves that teenage boys will sleep with anything.)
Ohio lawyer beats traffic cam law by arguing non-ownership of leased cars
Woman sues Yahoo when a search for her own name brings up porn, spam. Sucks to be you, Penny Sinlargement of Viagra Falls, Wisconsin
Photoshop theme: Shades of blue
Finally a poll question with real significance: would you rather live in a neighborhood with more McDonald's or more Starbucks?
South Korean woman sets new world record after singing non-stop for 76 hours, or as we call it, 1.5 Grateful Dead concerts
Submitter has a feeling there will be a followup to this story: Man nearing 100 drives 90-mile commute
Old and busted: breaking up via text message. New hotness: getting dumped on Twitter
...so here's an otter with a camcorder on its stomach
Whistling orangutan impresses zoo researchers, nearby construction workers
Remember the Tennessee cop who shoved the 71-year-old Wal-Mart greeter to the floor? Turns out the apple didn't fall far from the tree
Louisiana Governor: "Thanks for the millions in stimulus $$ for unemployment bennies. OK if we use it instead to fix the roads?"
Top ten unsolved modern mysteries. Why people watch Fox News mysteriously absent
Competition for this year's strangest book title is down to six finalists. "Curbside Consultation of the Colon" is fingered to win it in the end
It's a long list, but if you bet on Dervishes to be the next religion to be targeted in Iran, you'll be just dizzy with this next article
Father and son rescue kitten from recycling bin. With Happy Caturday pic
The original Mr. and Mrs Clowncar weigh in on this Suleman upstart: "God's given ours one or two at a time and we've kind of done it the old-fashioned way." Oh, it is on
Whatever you do, don't bop the flow to The Man's old lady
Police prepare to make arrest in Chandra Levy case. Statute of limitations expired on the followup tag
"Since the economy began to crater, Americans have looked inward to their very bodily fluids for a boost, selling blood, semen, even their ovaries and hair for a few extra dollars"
Just one more thi---GAAAAAHHHH
If you are going to poach don't be stupid and post a picture of yourself and the 15-point buck you've killed illegally on a Division of Wildlife Web site
Photoshop theme: Badly-chosen product spokespersons
Police officers hospitalized after being doused with a disgusting subtance with an "unusual smell", released when it was found to be HP Sauce
Guy tries to kill himself with carbon monoxide poisoning in another man's garage, winds up with felony burglary charges instead. That ought to cheer him up
NASA wants people to vote for the Space Station's new room name. Write in votes accepted as well. What suggestions do you Farkers have?
When you bring your bag of stolen nickels to the bank to change them to paper money, try to remember to remove your gun from the bag first
Fri February 20, 2009
Trying to go to church in the nude? That's a tasering
Caturday takes a somber tone this week as America says goodbye to Socks, aged 20, President Clinton's cat
The recession has created a new social grouping: baby gloomers, who have to support both their parents and their children
A fisherman and a teenager save exhausted dolphins trapped in an ice hole for over a week. Farkin' iceholes
Many teens feel Rihanna got what she deserved for not shutting her whore mouth. "Ha She probably did something to provoke it"
You know it's bad when there has to be a law to make kids get their asses off the couch
Man dies while playing hide-and-seek. Police set to launch investigation in one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi
Greek prime minister rejects all-party government despite repeated chants of "toga toga toga"
Today's Photoshop theme is brought to you by the scariest dream you ever had
Animal shelter discovers puppy with image of Mickey Mouse on his back. Disney lawyers immediately respond with cease and desist order
This week's TSG roundup. There's a sale at Penney's
If you're lazy at work and always surfing the internet, it could anger your co-workers and make them suffer from office rage. That would... *ow, the guy next to me just punched me in the face*
State Department issues warning for travelers to stay away from "prostitution and drug-dealing areas" in Mexico. You know, the good parts
If you steal $50,000 worth of jewelry, hide it in a teaddy bear for safe keeping, and then discover it's been stolen from you, don't report it to the police. Let it go, because man, it's gone
Dumbass couple thinks they can afford a $1.5M condo on $20K income. Dumbass company sells the condo, and dumbass bank writes the mortgage. Dumbasses
Final Reminder: DC 10th Anniversary Party with Drew tomorrow at 730pm at The Black Rooster
The Best Driveway Ever
Before you post video of your pot plant growing on YouTube, remember that the cops can watch YouTube, too. Especially if you use your real name when you create your channel
Man breaks into a medical facility to steal his buddy's urine samples that were probably going to test positive for marijuana. "That's what I call a really good friend"
The art of growing a 'stache. With pics
A ninety pounds autistic boy having an outburst? That's a taserin'... And another one to be sure
Five-year-old boy climbs onto windowsill, falls out of window 20 feet up, has fall broken by laundry line, lands on concrete patio, gets up and tells his parents "I've just fallen out of the window." Ta-da
Ceiling mice are watching you litigate
Elderly learn to fight back with cane fu. With video
Outraged intoxicated man claims nipple assault by woman giving him a lap dance
Second grade teacher speeds through school zone, admits to drinking a couple of hours earlier, and nearly runs over cop trying to flee. Why? "I'm a freakin' teacher." Bonus: Audio of traffic stop
Reason #583 not to visit Brazil: Muggers with hand grenades
Turns out the ancient Greeks enjoyed a good joke. How many Spartans does it take to screw in an oil lamp? None. That job's for slaves
Blind man receives council letter addressed to 'Mr Blindman' - at least they didn't send him a talking card
"I'm pretty sure it's the first time, in the life of that building, there's ever been a drag queen at the Legion Hall"
Illinois high school to host first mixer for gay students; competition to get on the party planning committee was fierce
Man awakens to find crochet needle "completely embedded" in his urethra. Fark: does not know how it got there
(Albany Times Union)
New York State spends $500,000 to purchase ferry boat, only to find out it is not seaworthy. Now attempting to sell boat on eBay. Current top bid: $14,800
Today's "female teacher arrested for sex with a male student" story comes to us from . . . draws name from hat . . . Idaho. (With "I'll bet she cleans up pretty good" mugshot goodness.)
George Mason University senior and popular drag queen wins title of school's homecoming queen, beating two women. Extra Farky: he wears size 12 pumps. (With photo of the Queen "working that Tiara")
Today's urine-soaked drunk driver -- complete with beer on top of truck AND in driver's hand -- is brought to you by Natural Ice
Red light cameras protect us from accidents that happen once every billion miles. That's a £ot of $af€t¥
137 mph in a '93 Honda Civic? It's more likely than you think
Study suggests that when teens are asked to turn down that racket, they usually turn it up, stay on your lawn
"A Montenegrin man survived a suicide bid after buying a coffin from a funeral director, climbing in and trying to shoot himself"
Chicago area man still working, although he turns 100 next month, says retirement is for pussies. And get off his lawn
Photoshop toys for ADHD kids
Ugly-ass meerkat pups born at Sydney Zoo, already learning to eat grubs, say "hakuna matata"
The coolest picture of a gorilla's head made from 30,000 matchsticks you'll see today
Just like any divorce - who gets the house, who gets the car, who gets the Air National Guard missile that's sitting next to the furnace. Wait, what?
(Grand Haven Tribune)
Lt. Gary Megge of the Michigan State Police has an unusual job: preventing speed traps
BBC censors reviewing old episodes of the Teletubbies to make sure there was never any drinking or swearing. Uh-oh, laa-laa
If you tap your brakes or even slow down because of that jerk four inches off your ass, you could lose your driver's license under a proposed law in Maine
South Asian man stopped 21 times by NYPD on subway files lawsuit. Police say they weren't using racial profiling, just that he looked suspicious entering and exiting his home subway station every single day
Drunk driving is bad enough, but it's a whole different level of stupid when you decide to take a tank out for a joyride
If you want some free publicity for your TV station, just claim that Jesus was too fat to walk on water and Mary was impregnated by a school friend and let the Catholics do their thing
Auto dealership employees rescue injured swan, offer it zero-percent financing on a new minivan for 60 months and throw in deluxe floor mats for free
NY Daily News discovers a rare person, one that financial experts know exists in theory, but never has been seen in person: A person who lives on what she earns
If you've been convicted of impaired driving causing death and failing to remain at the scene of an accident, it's generally considered bad form to taunt the victim's family on the victim's Facebook remembrance page
New York Post writes apology so canned, even a trained monkey could have done it
Whether or not it's true, you just can't go around calling your pupils retards, save that for their parents
Woman arrested for DUI in the pick-up line of her child's school. Bonus: when asked for ID, she presented a credit card
Tooth decay is third most common reason children are admitted to hospitals in Britain. The Sun is there with a pic that will haunt your dreams
Art dealer who bought painting from NY convent for $450,000 and immediately resold it for $2.2 million says it isn't his fault the nuns suck at business. Somebody's going to hell in a hurry
Pepper spray to defuse brawl at middle school talent show. "It was unclear who, if anyone, won the talent show"
Georgian scientists develop technique for harnessing energy from hamsters, you just have to make sure they're in the right gere first
British politicians accused of "ignoring polygamy", perhaps because they consider having two mothers-in-law to be punishment enough
70-year-old man gets good and liquored up, attempts to connect digital TV converter with no luck. Mr. Samsung, meet Mr. Smith & Wesson
What one book/movie would you require every high school student to read/see before they graduate? Subby would answer, but he has a term paper on "Pump Up the Volume" due in 26 minutes
Man found not guilty of attacking another guy after a good foursome goes bad. "When Salinas heard pleasurable sounds coming from his girlfriend, he decided to end the swap meet."
Man slips and falls in strip club parking lot but reports it as a racial attack, not knowing about the surveillance camera. What a boob
Seattle zoo on lock down after racist New York Post metaphor for the president escapes
Octomom now reportedly looking to buy a million-dollar home. Yeah, and submitter wants a pony
Photoshop this greenhouse
Seniors make claymation video about safe sex. GILFS
"Most of us are confused. We balk at paying for raw ingredients, but readily cough up for extortionate ready meals. We spend hours watching TV chefs but apparently only 13 minutes on average making a meal - down from one hour in 1980"
Family loses their cave to foreclosure, search for housing that will accept Pebbles and Dino
Today's "150 dogs and one Bengal tiger rescued from filthy puppy mill" story brought to you by Seneca, MO. Your dog wants - wait a second, TIGER?
Thu February 19, 2009
Check out the amazing image which could show the fabled sunken city of Atlantis
Blind mechanic fixes cars using only 'the power of touch' [pic]
The UN discovers, to its utter shock, that Iran has enough uranium to build nukes. Why didn't anyone warn them about this before?
Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist... (with inconceivable pic)
Medvedev challenges Matthew Broderick to a game of tic-tac-toe, loses, rekindles Cold War [w/ pics]
That "Chinese businessman staging a best mistress contest and getting driven off a cliff" story? About as genuine as a Chinese Rolex
Wyatt Earp was a thief and a pimp and the gunfight at the OK Corral was actually a muderous ambush led by Earp
Welcome to Texas, home of big hats, big trucks, and 300 pound wild pigs that we shoot from helicopters
"I'M A SHARK, I'M A SHAAARK, SU.. *sigh* It's just not the same anymore"
French woman complains about yellow stars used on eBay because of association with Nazi Germany. Vichy France surrenders
Photoshop this intrepid trio
Campbell's refines original soup recipe to reduce sodium. New version to be called "water"
World Scrabble record for one game (725 points) set in Phoenix. Loser still refusing to accept "kwyjibo" as a valid Scrabble word
Woman gets a hair weave by a stylist from the planet Krypton
Gunman to the people he's trying to rob: "Don't underestimate me because I have glasses and I'm fat"
Parents: "Help us find our missing daughter" Police: "Meh"
Religion of peace strikes again moving Bibles to top shelf in library. Jihiii higher than you can reach
Bad day: Your parked car gets hit by a van, pushing it up onto the sidewalk. Worse day: A meter maid gives you a $100 ticket for parking on the sidewalk
Russia's nuclear energy industry starts Miss Atom contest to improve their negative image (with SFW gallery of hittable nuclear plant engineers)
A five-minute animation clip, but instead of regular animated cells, each frame is a fully developed painting. The artist took two years to draw the 6,000 necessary works of art
Not counting cholesterol, Canada is #1 in Americans' hearts
Zurich authorities say Brazilian woman definitely invented story about being attacked. They were tipped off when they found the backwards B on her cheek
"Sorry about the breast cancer diagnosis. You're fired"
A map of the potential high-speed rail lines to be built by stimulus. Where can Subby get a Northamerapass, Amerapass, Speedopass, whatever the equivalent of a Europass is?
Austin man uses drive-thru to order sandwich, is dismayed to discover that the restaurant doesn't have a drive-thru
Amnesty International claims it does not know whereabouts, mood, playlist of detained Egyptian blogger
Muslim cleric in the UK says drunks should be flogged. Government officials respond that there aren't enough whips in England
RNC Chair Michael Steele says the GOP needs a "hip hop" makeover, submits design for Dick Cheney "Thug Life" t-shirt
Obama arrives in Ottawa for first international trip. Thousands of Canadians gathering for their first-ever glimpse of a black man
Despite the economic crisis, multiple metro Atlanta homes were flipped yesterday
You think you got money problems? This guy is only getting a $25,000 bonus this year
Super Colon - when you have something like this that's in your face, you can't help but talk about it
100-mph car chase ends when driver stops to pay toll, use valet parking
Do you want Judo?
Man claims a Jack Russell terrier shot itself in the head while playing with a loaded gun on the floor. Your dog wants a gun lock
After 150lbs of dynamite is stolen, cops come up with a brilliant idea to crack the case: Give the thieves a demonstration of precisely how much havoc they could wreak with it
Florida braces for record cold weekend temperatures (w/ helpful photo illustration of upcoming weather)
Crowley and Aziraphale take a break from their assigned duties to rob a German electronics shop
Phelps clan banned from travelling to the UK, clearly God hates England
If you're confused by all of this weird language your relatives keep using, you might benefit from the new diary of granny slang
New laws say farms must stop smelling like farms
Airport security guard wins £62,000 payout after colleague "wobbled her breasts" at him. You know how we know you're gay?
Theme: Lame uses for cool devices
Polish workers and Irish police have a "who's dumber" contest. Guess who won?
Wait, you mean forensic scientists don't work with million-dollar equipment in poorly-lit labs? CSI raises even judges' expectations of the practice
Possibly the worst photoshopped 'monster' you'll see, including Nessie
Chicago planning on installing countdown timers so people can see just how much time there is left for that green light. What could possibly go wrong?
Rock bottom: (noun) - a state of being exemplified by not even being successful at killing yourself when jumping off a bridge, and then getting 4 years in prison for killing the police dog that was biting your arm when you jumped
Dunkin Donuts clerk answers complaint about slow service with a free order of slashed tires
Meet Jennifer, she will "moan like Shamu for you"
"Polish Al Capone" facing 10 years in jail after making authorities a proposition they couldn't understand
Students in West Virginia attend "etiquette dinners," learn not to use spittoon during meal, chug vintage wine from bottle, or slip shrimp scampi to hound dog under table
After breaking into someone's home, try not to leave behind anything that might help identify you. Like a trail of candy wrappers leading back to your house
City considers cracking down on crime by requiring convenience stores to install thousands of dollars worth of security equipment. Store owners wonder if the criminals are cheaper
(This is London)
If you're a 15-year-old girl, your folks won't let you answer the door, and boys are ringing the bell all night... yeah, your family rented the house that use to be a brothel
Man survives after his pickup truck is torn in half by an Amtrak train. Truck's cab completely destroyed, but "an open 40 ounce bottle of beer inside it was unscathed"
Apparently dissatisfied that their laser pointers have failed to cause any major airline disasters, Jersey morans have taken to launching balloon-borne red flares into flight paths
Sean Young gets drunk and then mocks everybody who lost money in the stock market. Papazazzi tell her they loved her in "Ace Ventura". Winner: Paparazzi
Assistant math teacher in trouble for helping female students round out their figures
School cancels production of "Rent" because it might spread the gayness
Standing in front of the backpacker with one hand on his hip and the other on his penis, Loomes asked: "Has this ever happened to you before?"
Can paintballs legally deter intrusive hookers?
Cops find pot under load of cows, manure. Say it was some good shiat
Swedish police arrest two people on suspicion of narcotics smuggling. I can has khaturday now plz?
There are some things you shouldn't do after rear-ending a car: trying to cover the victim's mouth as they call 911, then stripping naked and running away when the cops show up
Photoshop this chandelier
Youngish TFette has no comprehension what her adult life would be like without the internet or computer technology. Describe your pre-internet life
A new mass transit video has surfaced that should help Chicago's bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Not safe for work language)
Local Baptist churches around Houston help rebuild fences after Ike destroyed cattle ranches. Just kidding, it was the Amish from Indiana who came down to volunteer their help because they had been laid off from their jobs back home
This story just keeps getting better - Octuplets' home in foreclosure - Octomom wondering who's gonna buy her a house to fit her 14 kids
Store owner fatally shoots a man because he was urinating on the side of his building. People familiar with the owner say you don't have to be a whiz to know there's more to this story
Canadian fourth-graders will no longer be graded on which races of people they would save first in an emergency, presumably because the Asians were messing up the curve
Letter writer wants to know why Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger didn't mention God when interviewed for 60 Minutes. Tag is for the letter writer, Thread is for the inevitable flame war
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 198: First Person Shooter. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed February 18, 2009
Burglar gets both barrels from vintage caretaker at winery, makes fine accompaniment for police back to hospital. Expected to make a full-bodied recovery
One Farker's take on Afghanistan, complete with IEDs, Herc flights that are more frightening than the Taliban and Major League Infidels: "I don't hate anyone here. Even the people I've had to shoot, I don't hate them"
Nanny State grocery store bars girl with helium balloon tied to her wrist for being "health and safety risk", then the explanation gets even more stupid
No one expects the giant Spanish rabbits of Caerbannog
Photoshop theme: The battle between the sexes
Our long national nightmare is over - Lance Armstrong's stolen bike has been found
13-year-old dad Alfie Patten wears hoodie with picture of hand flipping the bird and text "I'm the daddy. If I'm not, fark you all, I'll still be there". Isn't it touching to know baby Maisie has such a classy father?
Signs it's time to stop flying small planes: #1. You're 80 years old; #2. Your plane just crashed into an apple tree; #3. The plane took off without you in it
Director of Indiana VA hospital takes down framed newspaper proclaiming "Japs Surrender", which had been hanging there since 1945, because a new employee complained about it
You know that whole "put your money in Swiss bank accounts because they won't release your identity to tax authorities" thing? Not so much
News: Man walks into Crystal Cathedral, hands a note to a greeter and promptly marches up to the altar to commit suicide. Fark: While another volunteer was telling the seven tourists about their suicide prevention ministry
Employees at Leeds hotel get $250 billion tip. "We thought we'd won the jackpot and imagined how we'd spend it." Until they realized they were Zimbabwean dollars
Shoddy forensics? In my courtroom? It's more likely than you think
Car crashes through living room wall, followed by a second car, all occupants storm into house, and then things get hammery
Religious school teacher asks 10-year-olds to write down rudest words they can think of and rate their offensiveness. Surprisingly, some parents don't think this is the greatest f*cking idea since God whacked Eve in the c*nt with a hatchet
Fake vampires are totally pissing off real vampires (also O-Negative "tastes like dessert wine")
Huge cockfighting ring busted by authorities outside Toronto. Police chief says he hadn't seen so many cocks fighting since the last Leafs-Habs game
With the rest of God's work completed, the Vatican has figured out that men like to eat, have sex and laze around while women prefer to hate each other
Man takes SUV to mechanic to find out why the gas gauge always read half-full and finds 35 pounds of pot hidden in tank, which explains why the car kept veering toward the curb whenever he passed a Taco Bell
Muslim students in Pittsburgh told to ditch their kaffiyehs, or at least get one with a Steelers logo, which would be okay
Now that the stimulus package has passed, it is time for the obligatory "Things $787B could buy" article
College promotes Black History Month by posting "White" and "Colored Only" signs on water fountains and dining halls. What could possibly go wrong?
One in three students feels they deserve a 'B' grade just for showing up to class. No surprise, since one in three submitters feels they deserve a greenlight just for showing up to Fark
Meet John, a professional sign shaker
Two United planes touch wings at O'Hare airport; first plane later seen buying flowers and a box of chocolates
Thieves break through the walls of an adult store to steal x-rated movies. Wouldn't it be easier just to get an internet connection?
Time Magazine answers the question that's been on everyone's mind: Why Chimps Attack. Turns out it's because they're chimps, and that's what chimps do. Chimps
Dianne Sawyer interview with author of fake holocaust "memoir". His defense: ""No it didn't actually happen in reality, but it's not a lie, because I believe it happened in my imagination"
Not news: Woman spends years trying to have an affair and fails. News: Her husband feels ignored, has his own affair, eventually dumps the wife for his mistress. Fark: She feels "betrayed"
Photoshop theme: If everyone had superpowers
Police knew he wasn't a real cop because real cops don't smash car windows and steal MP3 players and 22 bags of frozen shimp
Hispanic family in America sues over Catholic school's English-only policy. Dios mios
African wildcat found in backyard of New Orleans home. No word yet on if he had a gun
Office secretary called a "whore" and made to clean out the company's men's room awarded $13,000 compensation. That's one expensive dirty whore
Survey finds that teens would rather give up sex than music. The fact that both are available for free on the internet renders the study moot particularly as sex is still cheaper than music
In Pittsburgh if you're a landlord who rents to drug dealers and users, public drunks, and bad neighbors, the city will bill you for public safety calls to your properties
Glib mom sues Church of Scientology for taking away son's schizophrenia meds and giving him a loaded gun
Guy pays his $4,079 property tax bill with 11 sacks of coins. "I'm sorry to put you through this, but I don't have any other way to protest"
British train company issues female staff see-through tops. Would it surprise you to learn a few people have a problem with this?
Small-town TV station throws journalistic credibility out the window with Jesus-in-a-rock news story. Unfortunately, rock too large to sell on eBay for profit
Woman falls for the old "psst, I'm really a secret agent sent to prevent your boss from poisoning you with anthrax powder" trick
In the middle of America's deepest recession, the US Mint has issued four new pennies. Someone tell them we'll need more than that
A visit to one of the nation's largest sports shows: "I think people are stressed out about the economy and just want to go out and shoot something."
French city broadcasts the real Brown Note
Today's teacher sex-scandal comes to you courtesy of Beacon, New York - with "even the sharp-knees guy could have done better" pic
Airline pilot is asked to remove his shoes and belt at airport security checkpoint, instead drops his pants and says "search this"
West Midlands cafe wins "Britain's best bacon sandwich" prize. In other news, there is a man in England who's job was to travel the country eating bacon
(The News Tribune)
Dear Mom: In jail for vehicular homicide. Oh, and I shot at a herd of deer with a machine gun. Love, Your Son
Jury awards man who developed a staph infection at hospital and lost both arms and legs $17.7M. Court cuts the award in half
When stealing several packs of smokes, make sure you have one hand free to hold up your droopy drawers. And since it's Florida, make that droopy jorts
Step1: Steal firefighting equipment from work. Step 2: Sell items on ebay. Step 3: Profit. Step 4: Be arrested for Step 1
Study finds that teens who skip breakfast and dislike their mothers have sex earlier than other teens. In other news, there are teens that eat breakfast, like their mothers
(Go get him, Tiger)
Things get a little rough when a man gets teed off over bad manners, but not enough to handicap him. Mulligan
Behold, the Farkiest temple ever built by the hands of man
Go on a four-hour bender and fall onto the tracks in front of an oncoming train? Congratulations - you're a multimillionaire
Teacher gets four year scholarship to PMITA University for taking his student's virginity, tries to end it by having break-up sex in the school's bathroom closet
Man's penis gets caught in a grinder, hasn't felt anything like this since his divorce
If you've ever wanted a pair of crotchless flannel panties, maple syrup scented lube, an authentic Amish ball gag or a old-fashioned corncob strap-on you're in luck: the Vermont Country Store has started selling sex toys
Signs, signs, radioactive signs. Talking about the ones that Wal-Mart can't find. There's this: They're not that bad, the radioactive signs
After 23, "it gets lonely"
Three-year olds in New York grow up so fast. One minute they're at McDonalds eating a Happy Meal and the next thing you know they're riding the subway by themselves
Geronimo's descendants sue Skull and Bones club for return of their ancestor's remains. Also ask that we yell something else when jumping out of airplanes
Many identities. One survivor
Man makes a shotgun sound and pumps his adjustable cane in order to scare off some kids who were singing near his home. Good thing they weren't on his lawn. "If you don't shut up I'm going to shoot you all in the head."
"Somewhere out there is a Florida black bear that's just got to hate humans"
Photoshop theme: Erotica for robots
Game Warden: Hey Jack, want to see something cool? I can grab a lion's balls without being eaten. Fark: Doesn't get eaten, but does grab a lion's balls (with pic)
Man finds his dentures washed up on the beach two days after losing them while surfing. "They're sharper I noticed, truly."
Meet the man who eats everything (except your Mom)
Meet England's worst driver. And not just because she drove on the wrong side of the road
The Indonesian in the Cupboard
My boy's a box. Damn you, a box
The fact that the fire hydrant was an ornament is one thing. The fact that it took firefighters 15 minutes to figure this out is Fark
There are five types of orgasm. The positive ("Oh YES"), the negative ("oh NO"), the Religious ("oh GOD"), the fake ("oh SUBBY"), and the one where you call out the wrong name and get strangled
Utah State Senator: "Gays are probably the greatest threat to America." Failed banks, foreclosed homes, global warming, and al-Qaeda unimpressed
If you happen to be in market for a life-size T-Rex, someone would like to have a word with you
Tue February 17, 2009
If you've been flashing motorists along Iowa Hwy 78, put it away man, it's cold out there. And the police would like a word with you
In an effort to get students to graduate in four years, Mercer University offers to pay tuition for students who go over that deadline. I forsee a lot more people going to college for seven years
Homeowners have found a way to bring the foreclosure process to a screeching halt: Ask to see the original mortgage
Hitler stuffed himself on cake, suffered from gas, and had poor table manners. Just in case you need more reasons not to like him
Photoshop theme: Bogus health care or beauty products
Megachurch campus pastor resigns for "sexual impurity"
Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't have to apologize for calling Helen Thomas a witch because a poll on billoreilly.com says that he doesn't have to
Ten Jewish women, ranging in age from 89 to 96, prepare for their bat mitzvahs, as they were unavailable in their communities when they turned 12. It's old Jews - it's Fark.com
Old and busted: "Tickle-Me Elmo". New hotness: "Smash-Me Bernie", a steal at just $99.95
Spelling bee may be canceled due to budget cuts. EVERYBODY PANIK
How the mellow voice of Nancy Grace soothes our souls during these trying times
Apparently we owe Mark David Chapman an apology, according to this crazy man who knows which famous author REALLY killed Lennon (video of city commission rant included)
Allergic Girl Uses Peanut Sniffing Dog. As opposed to every other dog that sniffs your ...Oh peanuts, my bad
Amy Fisher is embarking on a multiple-city strip club tour as a high-paid stripper. "I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.' "
From the "Drew called it" department: A look at some of the people killed in the Buffalo plane crash
"I apologize to you now if you ever stayed in one of my rooms. You deserved better. But if housekeepers were paid more than minimum wage-and the tips were a bit better-I might have cleaned your toilet rather than just flushed it"
Dentist charged for filling minor cavities
Man strips, handcuffs, and gags woman, puts her in diaper, and reads bible to her for three days. Or, as submitter calls it, foreplay
Not news: Boy writes essay for school. Still not news: about his Dad. Fark: and the time his dad shot him with a BB gun because he was blocking the TV
Teen boy kept locked in bathroom for years, beaten with clarinet. Unlike submitter's teen years in a locked bathroom, which were voluntary and involved a beating of a different woodwind
Top 11 Songs to Pump Iron to. What no Cher?
Health tip: If the doctor's office is at "Holiday Inn Express Motel in meeting room on the first floor," he might not be a real doctor
14 year old girl arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after she was caught text-messaging in class
Trucks spill burgers and beer all over Utah's highways, proving there might be a God after all
Residents of mobile home park upset that they have just a couple of weeks to move out to make way for a new Super Wal-Mart store. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you
California geography professor consults complex mathematical models, satellite imagery, and his rectum to find Osama bin Laden
Woman everywhere finally have the equality they deserve... they can now pee standing up
Antiguan businessman, cricket impresario Sir Allen Stanford charged with "massive ongoing fraud" worth over $8 billion. Bernie Madoff sniffs, calls him an amateur
Cat takes break from busy day of sleeping and sunbathing to alert owner that he has lung cancer
(Some Comatose Guy)
His family tearfully gave the OK for physicians to disconnect life support. That's when he woke up
Of all the things you can say to police responding to an emergency call at your home, "Give me your gun so I can shoot my son and my wife" probably isn't the most intelligent
Woman calls the cops on a goat that walks into her home and starts eating her chocolate cake. "I feel sorry for the lady, but it is kind of funny"
The best mugshots you'll see today of two dumbasses busted for "extensive graffiti"
Photoshop this athlete and his supporter
New recession-busting, 120-zipper dress can be made into a gown, a miniskirt, a halter top, a hat, a broach, or a pterodactyl. The Sun is there with pics
CNN's top five must-see locations that global warming will soon turn into inhospitable wastelands. Great Barrier Reef: Check. Alpine Glaciers: Check. Amazon rain forest: Check. New Orleans, Louisiana?
Coffee: the delicious, refreshing, sweet, wonderful, addictive, caffeinated beverage that may or may not kill you
Remember all of those cute smiling strippers picked up in a Pasco lunchtime bust that started it all? Five years later - the progression of a stripper. With pics
Fred Phelps family to visit Britain to protest against anti-homophobia, wag finger at "goofy queen's adulterous whore of a son." God hates cigarettes
When even the former head of MI5 thinks the United Kingdom is a police state, you know it's bad
Now that credit card companies have adopted a "we'll charge whatever we want and make up fees as you go" pricing model, some government officials want to take a closer look at them
Soldier, if Uncle Sam wanted you to have one dead and one unconscious 16-year-old girl in your barracks, he would have issued you one
Lambs headbutting eagles, just another day in the Scottish Highlands
17-year-old thinks he's got a good chance to be his town's next mayor because he's already raised $250 for his campaign, and has the backing of a landlord and the managers of a local convenience store and burger joint
'Snow artists' pay tribute to Obama on day of his visit in Colorado with 100 foot wide image they stomped into the snow
Store says glass ended up in ground beef after wall clock fell on the floor in Meat Department. You really don't want to know how the glass got from the floor into the actual meat
Large stockpile of unexploded weapons in Gaza disappears before UN can dispose of them. Three guesses who was supposed to be "guarding" them
Beaver spotted in Detroit after a 75 year absence. Who knew the motor city was such a sausage-fest?
Man who tased himself is shocked to hear his own lawyer describe him as a real life Homer Simpson
Coolest Vicar ever fights to keep local brothel open
Think you had a bad day? This guy spent three hours upside down in the wreckage of his truck, with sulfuric acid dripping onto his head
Italy's first bus with atheist advertisements hits the streets, promptly breaks down. Where is your God now?
French "Spider Man" scales 73 story Hong Kong skyscraper in 40 minutes without a net to draw attention to something, immediately surrenders afterwards
Having solved all other problems, North Carolina legislature seeks to outlaw another plant
"Thank you for calling 911. Will this be cash or charge?"
Loneliness just as bad for you as smoking, experts say. In other news, state lawmakers propose new law banning people from visiting bars alone to limit exposure of others to secondhand loneliness
(The London Paper)
The stewardesses will conclude the safety demonstration and then pass round a huge wrap of coke
Cement truck crashes in Waaaaaauuuuugh
Your odds of being killed in a crash are higher if: a) the other vehicle is larger, b) you don't wear your seatbelt, c) you're driving your lawnmower on the highway
Man arrested after smashing out the windshield of a police cruiser with a cinder block. FARK: While the cruiser was parked at the local police department headquarters