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Sun February 08, 2009
(Boston Globe) Interesting Picking up the garbage in high crime areas can actually lower the crime rate by 20% (10)
(CBS News) Obvious C) (40)
(SFGate) Fail Workers create biggest mercury spill in the USA in 20 years; over 100 pounds of mercury spilled. T-1000 unimpressed (77)
(news-leader.com) Obvious Waning economy brings cattle rustling back into vogue. Your dogie is steak  T-Shirt (25)
(Seacoastonline.com) Asinine "I should bash your (expletive) head in" -- and other things you shouldn't say to an off-duty cop in a bar (46)
(Washington Post) Obvious Why newspapers hate running comic surveys asking readers what strips should stay and what should go: readers game those polls: "Just ask any editor who had to run a 'mea culpa' after bringing back 'Pearls Before Swine'" (158)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida 32-year old man arrested for beer battering 16-year old shrimp  T-Shirt (52)
(CNN) Interesting You should get a load of the whales in my yoga class (45)
(Some Guy) Hero Seven-year-old boy dies after saving his sister from rapist (345)
(Fox News) Sappy Soldier reunited with the dogs he saved from starvation in Afghanistan. Your dog wants a steak after he gets that watery stuff out of his eyes (85)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this illustrative scene (31)
(Sun Sentinel) Dumbass Two charged - in Bahama - for eating barbecued iguana. Radio....radio  T-Shirt (102)
(Wired) Obvious The Pentagon has 27,000 people involved in PR, recruiting, and advertising. The entire State Department has 30,000 people (189)
(Drew) FarkBlog San Francisco 10th Anniversary Fark Party Tonight 8pm at Lefty O'Doul's - details within (95)
(Hartford Courant) Sad Top cloning scientist Jerry Yang dies at age 49. If there were only some way he could have his legacy continued on (68)
(The Virginian Pilot) Cool Parents don't blame school for kid's bad grades. Punish him with some good old-fashioned public humiliation (with picture goodness) (268)
(Financial Post) Wheaton If you're not following Wheaton on Twitter, you missed the shooting star (77)
(Daily Mail) Hero Man wins £20,000 judgement against local cops for "stress" caused by parking tickets - then when they don't pay up he sends bailiffs down to police station to seize town's computers and servers (106)
(Family Research Council) Ironic Right-wing blogger outraged that the mainstream media ignored religious vandalism at GWU incident, proceeds to link to story in mainstream media (117)
(WBBM) Spiffy Walmart wants to put stores in 'food deserts' in Chicago. In other news, there are 'food deserts' in Chicago. Whats a 'food desert'? (181)
(Dayton Daily News) Spiffy Not news: Amazon customer posts bad review of book, because he got a defective copy. News: Author personally delivers replacement the day after review is posted... which happens to be Christmas. Fark: User won't change one star rating (67)
(Boston Globe) Misc Reports of rampant teen drinking in Vermont shock nation, including submitter who thought the state was all about smoking pot (26)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Academic claims Hollywood portrays women as hysterical, obsessed about their weight and neurotic, then goes on to claim that this is inaccurate (57)
(UConn Alerts) Asinine NEWSFLASH: Man walks close to woman. EVERYBODY PANIC (323)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Woman may be incarserrated after throwing steak knives at husband (61)
(Google) Photoshop Theme: Quentin Tarantino starts producing ads for PETA (40)
(Cracked) Interesting The five most ridiculous lies ever published as nonfiction. Athiests seen shaking tiny impotent fists over obvious omission (178)
(Herald Tribune) Florida "Florida, in some ways, resembles a modern Ponzi scheme. Everything is fine for me if a thousand newcomers come tomorrow." (50)
(AFP) Interesting Do you like green eggs and ham? Do you like them, Sam I Am? (20)
(CNN) Obvious It has begun. Girl Scout cookies and pushy mamas everywhere (411)
(ABC News) Dumbass Clown car's fertility doc now under investigation. What took so long? (131)
(The Local (Sweden)) Dumbass If you really must make obscene phone calls, make them to the emergency services phone number, it saves the police a lot of work (13)
(Toledo Blade) Sappy Injured deer shows up at PetSmart, patiently waits for vet to show up. Gets treated for injuries then heads off to the great unknown to be target practice for some hunter (66)
(Sun Journal (Maine)) Obvious Women want men that are brave, a play buddy, charming, funny, a jack of all trades, intelligent, humorous, sincere, and know when to say, "Yes, Dear" (348)
(The Local (Sweden)) Interesting Women who take the contraceptive pill are more likely to suffer from frequent shortness of breath and panting. Oh, and asthma too (19)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Arrrr--splat. Paramedics treat at least eighty fallen drunken pirates for broken arms and facial injuries. "When sober people like you and me fall, we put out our hands to stop ourselves" (46)
(NJ.com) Ironic The Pope, who has his own radio station, TV station, YouTube channel, and over 30,000 MySpace friends, warns of the perils of media overconsumption (54)
(Baltimore Sun) Cool Man's 2,400-horsepower, twin-turbo-charged 1963 Corvette is widely regarded as the fastest street-legal car on the planet; "It's like driving a UFO on the highway" (243)
(The Local (Sweden)) Amusing Swedish man beats DUI rap after successfully arguing a children's book character was behind the wheel; hopes to continue fairy tale by suing state for wages lost during his trial (15)
(News Of The World) Amusing Not news: Woman divorcing man over gay affair. Fark: On Second Life. With bonus Troy Hammerthall goodness (43)
(NYPost) Silly Old and busted: Prenups. New hotness: Postnups. So surprise your spouse with one this Valentine's Day (39)
(Some Guy) Amusing First dog hotel and spa opens in Sydney. Your dog wants a pedicure, and steak (11)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Calling 911 will not make the 7-11 clerk sell beer to your drunk ass (26)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this man coming up for air (39)
(Wall Street Journal) Asinine "Wall Street bonuses are getting a bad rap, but they're an important and useful part of the financial services industry." Like the millions of umployed give a rat's ass (191)
(Dallas News) Asinine Couple charged with sexual assault sues 178 anonymous posters for comments posted about them on an online forum during their trial. Judge orders forum to disclose posters' personal identities. List of future defendants to your right (208)
(Chronicle Telegram) Dumbass You need nude photos to trade to the men you meet on dating sites. Who do you ask to take them? a) your 12-year-old, b) your 11-year-old, c) your 8-year-old, or d) all of the above? (87)
(Rye and Battle Observer) Sappy Woman who lost her legs in 7/7 bombings due to give birth on anniversary of attack. Guess she couldn't keep her knees together  T-Shirt (52)
(International Herald Tribune) Asinine Wondering where your bailout tax dollars went? Why, to pay off the prostitution debts of corporate CEO's, and wall street bankers and lawyers, of course (103)
(BBC) Hero 56-year-old adjusts onion on her bikini belt, becomes first woman to swim Atlantic (56)
(News.com.au) News Death toll rises as Australian towns are wiped out by bushfires (269)
(The Sun) Obvious Pooty-Poot outs himself. The Sun is there (131)

Sat February 07, 2009
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this pointer (64)
(London Times) Strange Celebrity chef and publican Marco Pierre White introduces Britain's first gourmet beer to break the £5/pint barrier. "I think most pubs undercharge" (150)
(The Newspaper) Amusing Old and Busted: hooking yourself up to free cable TV. New Hotness: hooking into a speed camera to power your neighborhood for free (84)
(Miami Herald) Florida 66 year old man called 911 from a Burger King because: a) it was being robbed, b) someone had a heart attack, or c) they ran out of lemonade (70)
(SFGate) Dumbass When breaking into vehicles, try not to leave behind anything that might help identify you. Like a sledgehammer with your name on it (22)
(ABC Action News) Unlikely It's called the 'Don't-Come-Near-Me-Diet' (57)
(Some Chick) Asinine Don't want your SUV repossessed? Shoot out the tires of the tow truck (60)
(BBC) Obvious What do you give someone on their 150th anniversary? The wind? (88)
(Cracked) Cool Five real life soldiers who make Rambo look like a sissy (248)
(WKYC) Sad Sky Walker charged with murdering his mother, assault on a police officer, inappropriate use of The Force (53)
(UPI) Dumbass If you've just escaped from a holding cell in the county jail, you should probably find a better place to hide than the trunk of the judge's car (15)
(LA Times) Scary L.A. may ban those roadside shrines to murder victims because people keep getting shot at the sites while paying their respects. "If the victim is a gang member, it isn't safe to be around that memorial." (141)
(CNN) Strange Hundreds of people are stranded on an ice floe on Lake Erie, which measures, according to CNN, 8 feet long (see pic caption). That's one cramped ice floe (130)
(Post-Tribune) Strange Indiana woman finds a date from an online dating service. It is all fun and games until the FBI, Pentagon, Fox News, Army Special Forces and maybe the CIA get involved. Oh, then it gets weird (93)
(The Earth Times) Interesting The Catholic church in Britain is attempting to lure would-be monks and nuns into the monastic life with "taster" weekends in the cloisters (67)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this steaming mug of hot java (54)
(SFGate) Misc California starts mandatory furloughs for state employees. "It feels like we're being punished because we chose a career in state government." Well, duh (199)
(The Sub-Standard) Strange Man beats himself up in failed attempt to get the day off work "I can only assume that they didn't have a great sick plan where he works," police note (32)
(ABC News) Spiffy First full face transplant patient goes home, promptly gets arrested for breaking & entering after husband fails to recognize her (46)
(New York Daily News) Cool Step 1: Take picture of girl's butt in public park; Step 2: Be arrested for "unlawful surveillance." Step 3: Thank the city for the $8000 settlement and a trip to Paris (94)
(Des Moines Register) Weird Des Moines zoo has rare pink pigeon on display. Gay republicans have found their new mascot (39)
(New York Daily News) Followup Protip: If you were in the mob, then ratted on them and now are in the witness protection program....it isn't advisable to call attention to yourself by beating the shiat out of two customers in the pizzeria you're running (63)
(Some Guy) Interesting Oklahoma City searches for funding to buy police and fire vehicles. In unrelated news, you may want to be extra careful to avoid traffic violations in Oklahoma City for a while (36)
(Some Guy) Hero Mass. Supreme Court ruling suggests that when underage boys and girls have sex that either they should all be charged with statutory rape or none of them should be charged, not just the boy. Cite as Even/Steven Vs. the State of Massachusetts (207)
(Boston Globe) Interesting Artist responsible for the Obama "Hope" poster arrested. Geez, I thought the poster was a bit overused, but arresting him seems like a bit much (176)
(BBC) Unlikely Ecstasy "no more dangerous than horse riding". DEA to launch crackdown on the upper class (228)
(Yahoo) Amusing Hair stylist hits the $80 million jackpot when A) she buys a lucky lottery ticket B) she's named in the will of a wealthy deceased relative C) the NY Daily News misidentifies her as the most notorious madam in the city (55)
(Toledo Blade) Sappy Defendant who assaulted two undercover cops at a strip club allowed release on bond in time to attend his wedding. How romantic (30)
(Some Anime Site) Dumbass If you travel to an anime convention in a '90s white Mercury Cougar with front-end damage, and decide to take a 14-year-old that's not your child with you, you're likely to end up with back-end damage (with pics) (127)
(BBC) Interesting The old "It wasn't me, it was my identical twin" defense works again (42)
(London Times) Interesting The man who disappears people for a living (59)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you actually believe that a doctor would run his business out of a pickup truck in a parking lot, you might be a redneck, but you certainly are an idiot (25)
(NYPost) Obvious Mike Bloomberg laments problems of NYC's rich in his weekly radio address, from unemployed bankers to empty aisles at Bergdorf's, but is drowned out by Bach's Tiny Violin Concerto No. 47 (78)
(FARK) Cool Happy Birthday to Drew! Let's all enjoy a beer or few for our Founding Farker (288)
(Telluride Daily Planet) Sappy Colorado woman reunited with mountain lion she helped raise; gets "Mojo" back just in time for a happy Caturday (448)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Jesus appears in office door of a car dealership. (with unlikely pic) (88)
(Kansas.com) Sick Here's a man who really loves his Hot Wheels (81)
(KWWL) PSA If you're accompanying your child on a field trip, please leave the meth at home (27)
(CNN) Sad Poison kills 84 Nigerian children. Damn you Bret Michaels, damn you  T-Shirt (73)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this canoe (53)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Chocolate-covered bacon? Yep, the state fair is back in town (34)
(IndyStar) Fail You might not be made for a life of crime if you cry while holding up a Long John Silver's (54)
(The Age (Melbourne)) Scary Apparently Qantas are determined to repeat their engineering successes of 2008 (35)
(TC Palm) Florida Woman caught with pot hidden in her bra and "private area" (with "I wouldn't take a hit of that" mugshot) (66)
(Some Guy) Sad Stockton, Ca. ranked "America's Most Miserable City." Suck it Memphis (221)

Fri February 06, 2009
(The Sun) Amusing Three things that make a great story: 1) Alcohol 2) Sexy co-eds 3) Midgets dressed up as Oompa Loompas (77)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this dog walker (65)
(Some Guy) Scary It turns out that Chicago police tortured more people than anyone at Guantanamo Bay ever did (108)
(UPI) Interesting 60 year old woman gives birth to twins. Babies said to be doing fine, except for going cross eyed after focusing on her navel while breastfeeding (87)
(Kansas City) Spiffy High school students counter Fred Phelps' Westboro church protest, raise $250 for AIDS research for every minute the nutjobs stay (with video) (173)
(Sports by Brooks) Amusing Distraught over seeing her unflattering mugshot published by news outlets after her Super Bowl week prostitution arrest in Tampa, hooker decides to "save face" by sending website more "realistic" photos (119)
(Denver Channel) Weird Bad: Having a seizure and having to go to the hospital. Fark: That's when the paramedic starts punching you in the face (48)
(Post-Gazette) Amusing Today's unfortunate headline - Police rub out Beaver County massage parlor (52)
(CNN) News Senate reaches tentative agreement on $780 billion stimulus plan (1106)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing It's Friday and time for TSG's weekly mug round up. Who's happy to be here? (222)
(Some Guy) Amusing This may be the shortest article to ever make you laugh (143)
(Gizmodo) Hero In amazing reversal, not all Comcast employees are Satan embodied (74)
(wfmz) Scary Young boy found living in horrible living conditions, with mugshots of father & mother--OMG WTF IS THAT KILL IT WITH FIRE (461)
(Florida Today) Dumbass You know you are having a bad day if you get 50 tickets in one day. Running from the cops and having crack cocaine in your car does not help matters either (37)
(Chicago Tribune) Obvious Horse drawn carriage business hurt by economy, invention of the automobile (61)
(The Local (Sweden)) Weird Swedish boy threatened by Irish gravel thieves. They've got some serious stones to be doing something like that (49)
(Fox News) Spiffy Water Landing 2: Electric Boogaloo (101)
(Tri-City Herald) Spiffy Washington State University inaugurates wine program, to train students in growing grapes, making and marketing wine, and holding awesome parties (117)
(CNN) Scary Expert says almost nothing can stop bad food. British nod agreement (79)
(Longmont Times-Call) Unlikely Former J.F.K. Secret Service agent says: No grassy knolls. No mob conspiracies. Just one man, one rifle and three shots killed J.F.K (419)
(Some Guy) Interesting Maryland proposes raising the statute of limitations to 50 for child abuse lawsuits. Shockingly the Catholic church has a problem with this (94)
(Nerve) Scary Mississippi police say black football shot himself with shotgun. Despite the fact that his arms are too short, witnesses heard two shots, the cop knows the boy's girlfriend's father, and the victim was driving a car at the time (441)
(Kansas.com) Obvious Don't drink and pedal (59)
(Guardian.com) Scary Pakistani scientist convicted of selling nuclear secrets to Iran and North Korea released from house arrest and can go back to leading his "normal life." Of selling nuclear secrets to Iran and North Korea (69)
(BBC) Weird Belgium reminds us that you really can milk anything with nipples (64)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: When bad guys go good... (100)
(Mercury News) Spiffy San Francisco 'Beer Week' starts today. Fabulous (71)
(Yahoo) Interesting Climate change may reshuffle western weeds. Jamband fans reported to be inconsolable (48)
(Some Pisses Indian) Interesting Not news: State employee gets paid over $90,000 a year to do nothing. Fark: He says it's because he is being discriminated against (96)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop theme: When good guys go bad... (82)
(Some Guy) Strange It used to be you broke into someone's home to take stuff. Now people are breaking into homes to have sex in random places (80)
(BBC) Silly Snow news day, part III: What is the proper etiquette if you're attacked with snowballs? (75)
(Fox News) Interesting Mobster who inspired 'Casino' sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of residuals (67)
(Chicago Tribune) Sad Church burned in fire is marked with message "Rape Happend's Hear"; police suspect illiteracy (103)
(Stuff) Asinine What is the world coming to when you get fired from your Antarctic job just for organizing a harmless jello wrestling match? (61)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Spanish researchers confirm extra virgin olive oil combats breast cancer, presumably via frequent liberal topical application to the at-risk areas (37)
(Some Guy) Fail Christian group hires Rob Liefeld to illustrate comic about the coming apocalypse. Anyone familar with his style will tell you that this should be a good fit (180)
(ABC News) Interesting Want to break up, but don't know where to do it publicly? New Zagat guide tells you the best places to "dine and dump" (67)
(Reason Magazine) Hero A new bill will force Maryland SWAT teams to reveal how often they break down the doors of grandmothers and shoot their dogs while hunting deady marijuana and other vicious pharmaceuticals (348)
(Edmonton Sun) Scary Police have evidence on 600,000 pedophiles that are running loose but it would take 25 years to arrest them all, so why bother (151)
(NJ.com) Dumbass EBay proves it is still just as effective as Facebook in helping cops nab dumb criminals (33)
(Some Chi Guy) Obvious Chicago Mayor calls city employees "clock-watchers". City employees may get around to complaining tomorrow or maybe early next week, it's almost quitting time (77)
(Journal-Gazette) Scary Immediate release messages sent out by Indiana victim notification database during maintenance. Apparently, 11,000 people had a problem with this (50)
(Some Guy) Dumbass A 14 year old boy's court-appointed psychologist has received a three year prison sentence for making the unorthodox move of moving his therapy sessions from her office to her car, claiming she was his sister, conducting them sans pants (126)
(Some Guy) Sad Think your day was bad? This man rolls truck off 200 foot cliff, extricates himself from wreckage and claws his way back up the cliff only to be killed by another motorist (92)
(NYPost) Interesting Want a copy of the Sports Illustrated annual swimsuit issue? You won't be able to buy it at Wal-Mart (129)
(MSNBC) Sad Our strippers are HOT HOT HOT (156)
(Some Fine Old Man) Stupid Darryl Tucker was a fine old man, wrote about assault with a frying pan; two bounced checks and forgery, then closes it all with pederasty (36)
(The Sun) Scary Yeah, those RC helicopters are all fun and games until somebody gets a rotor to the head (99)
(Guardian.com) Asinine With no other crimes to solve, Nanny State police break up crime ring that built Britain's biggest snowball. "It just seemed like petty officiousness, as though his uniform gave him an opportunity to have a power trip" (pics) (79)
(Google) Photoshop Theme: Reigning cats and dogs (53)
(Chicago Tribune) Sick Reporter braves the stinky fat huddled masses, tells tale of eating FIVE free Grand Slams during the Denny's giveaway. That's 4,100 calories to you and me (148)
(Washington Post) Asinine Virginia will be the next state to tell bar and restaurant owners how to run their businesses (553)
(Get It In Da Choppa) Hero Sure, Sully could land a jumbo jet on the Hudson. But could he make a porn tape while flying a helicopter over San Diego, like this guy? I doubt it (69)
(Guardian.com) Scary British military unveils latest weapon against the Taliban: chicken tikka massala and Oreos, even though Geneva Conventions ban the use of gas against the enemy (37)
(Daily Mail) Cool Cow gets struck by lightning, gets sweet tattoo (88)
(Record Online) Stupid Protip: At your sentencing for repeatedly ramming your ex-girlfriend's car while your infant was inside, it is most unwise to blurt out "I don't give a (expletive) about an order of protection. It is just a piece of paper." (52)
(London Times) Interesting Planning adultery? Then you'll need a Martini: Here comes the vermouth (80)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Deer crack dealer, you kin sell crack on this block." From the looks of the sign, they already do (98)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Man plays electric guitar so loud that neighbor's fish jumps. It must have been a bass guitar (57)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida I assure you. You'll never see a potato that looks more like a manatee than this one (84)

Thu February 05, 2009
(Daily Mail) Interesting In order to combat childhood obesity, the government is going to make manufacturers shrink the size of chocolate bars and sodas (w/ funny picture of a little butterball) (175)
(Daily Mail) Obvious If you tend to fidget, yawn, and doodle when talking to other people it's not because you're rude. It's because you're rich (51)
(News.com.au) Strange If you're an Australian winery, what better way to break into the US market than by putting images of Osama bin Laden and hooded Abu Ghraib prisoners on your labels (44)
(WAPT) Sad Couple participating in wagon train surprisingly die of carbon monoxide poisoning and not dysentery (86)
(CBS New York) Followup USA Swimming suspends Michael Phelps from competition, and halts sponsorship money, for three months. Because there's no way he'll smoke more pot when he's bored, at home, sitting on a couch (408)
(Press Telegram) Dumbass Man driving a Kia leads police on a chase exceeding 100 mph, everyone's expectations of the Kia (110)
(Daily Mail) Obvious The reason you believe in God is because your brain is hardwired to believe in God (629)
(wkowtv) Stupid Wisconsin teacher is on administrative leave, because she scammed her students to take pictures of themselves on Facebook. Just kidding, she is on leave because she posed with a rifle and posted it on Facebook (254)
(MSNBC) Obvious People who use both hands have a harder time conceiving children, go blind faster (60)
(Daily Mail) Sappy How Snowdrop the badger cub was rescued from the big freeze, with awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww pic (54)
(Newsweek) Dumbass Self-styled "litterbug vigilantes" now dressing up as cops, harassing innocent smokers who just happen to toss a cigarette butt on the ground. Tag is for them (202)
(Towleroad) Amusing Ted Haggard had a dildo molded after his own penis, named it "Ted Two," and regularly used it on himself. Bill O'Reilly approves (269)
(KYW1060) Interesting Ugg boots damage women's feet. And worn in public, they also damage your reputation of actually having good taste (203)
(IGN) Amusing Top ten celebrity cameos where they play themselves. No. 10 wants to kick No. 1 in the head (138)
(Telegraph) Sappy Smittens let you hold hands with your SO in cold weather, make you look like Siamese twins (74)
(UPI) Strange New Jersey Supreme Court says union can use giant inflatable rat balloon during protests, it being the state animal and all (36)
(SFGate) Strange Chess game degenerates into wrestling match, then things get all stabby (71)
(590 KLBJ) Sad Good news: DNA testing today clears you of a 1985 rape. Bad news: You died in prison in 1999 (257)
(ABC News) Dumbass ABC Business Reporter: Reducing CEO pay unfair because Obama gets free house rent, free car lease, free airplane rides (370)
(CNN) Sad Last month, more U.S. soldiers killed themselves than died in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan combined (296)
(Statesman) Dumbass When your girlfirend gets angry that you ate all her Girl Scout cookies, do you, C) choke her with the cord of your Wii controller? (127)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Woman goes to courthouse to contend her suspended driver's license, instead receives three counts of child endangerment for leaving her children outside in subzero temperatures (58)
(ABC2News Baltimore) Asinine What's the point of going to the Preakness if you can't bring your own beer anymore? (53)
(Drew) FarkBlog Pasadena 10th Anniversary Fark Party tonight 7pm at the Olde Town Pub. Beer specials for Farkers. Drew's gonna be there, Wil's coming too, and more (241)
(Some Guy) Interesting Building on success of Guinness bar towel giveaway, British brewery now including surprise used condoms in cases of beer (35)
(Telegraph) Strange Student sues university for throwing away his 77 pounds of lizard poop (43)
(Some Guy) Obvious Village Voice found to be colluding with Digg to artifically jack their traffic numbers, ad revenues. Why can't contributors to social news sites be trusted? (45)
(MSNBC) Obvious Everyone agrees: Women are hard to read, but still make great sammiches (324)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Best mug shot you'll see today involving obscenities tattooed across one's forehead (Not safe for work text) (181)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Virgin Mary makes appearance in phallic ice statue in craphole Indiana mobile home park (81)
(Local6) Florida In a move certain to eliminate crime, an Orlando-area police department launches a Facebook page. Current status: tazey (37)
(NYPost) Obvious Half of American women would give up something special , like sex, for a month in order to have an "awesome" Valentine's Day. See, now, that's the problem (473)
(NPR) Scary Ruth Bader Ginsburg has had surgery for pancreatic cancer, intends to be back on the bench when the court reconvenes in three weeks. Yowza (341)
(MSNBC) Florida It takes a special kind of shamelessness to get busy with multiple blowup dolls in a grocery story parking lot. And yes, there are pics (130)
(Houston Chronicle) Asinine Houston considers expansion of red-light cameras after study finds increased collisions at those intersections. City official: "What we're concerned about is safety, safety, safety" (110)
(NBCDFW.com) Amusing Not News: Former President George W Bush offered a job. News: With a Dallas hardware company. FARK: As a greeter (207)
(Des Moines Register) Strange "He allegedly wheeled himself over to her car window, locked his wheelchair, lifted himself up on one leg and exposed himself to her" (62)
(1010WINS) Obvious NYC finally identifies mystery maple syrup smell which has been plaguing it for the past few years. SHOCKER: It was NJ (102)
(Spiegel) Obvious Many fear the Pope has lost touch with the world outside Vatican walls, will begin defecating in the woods (132)
(Reuters) Interesting Israel's Ambassador to Sweden assists in completion of shoes thrown at world leader trifecta, ups ante by being target of thrown books at same venue (74)
(Union Leader) Stupid Man sues golf course for not warning him you could put an eye out with that thing (74)
(Silicon.com) Stupid Britain issued its first national identity cards last year, but they haven't bothered getting any readers for them (28)
(Boston Globe) Obvious If Dennis Leary promises to buy your city a fire truck, get the money up front before you order it. Preferably in cash (157)
(WAAY TV) Florida Parents upset after their 10-year-old son receives porn on his cell phone on his birthday. "It's pornography at its best," said the boy. Story unclear on why a 10-year-old needs a cell phone, how he became such an expert on porn (132)
(CNN) Followup Michigan WW2 vet, who died when the power company shut off his power, leaves $500,000 to the local hospital (122)
(Daily Mail) Cool Christians hit back at atheists, paying for their own series of bus ads stating 'There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life" (1260)
(Sign On San Diego) Asinine San Diego Zoo says you can't bring your own food and drink anymore (says it has *nothing* to do with selling more $3.99 cokes, blames patrons who brought unwieldy coolers) (116)
(AP) Interesting Teens go door-to-door to spread the good word of Jesus...or if nobody answers, burglarize the house (60)
(The Sun) Weird "Careless" man accidentally chops off his penis and flushes it down the toilet. Whisky Tango Foxtrot (109)
(Houston Chronicle) Asinine Houston's black firefighters say city's exam for higher ranks is prejudiced against black people because it's a written exam, and studies show black people do worse at written exams than other races. No, really (629)
(BBC) Obvious Bank of England cuts interest rates yet again, to the point where depositors will get about as much return on their money as they'd get on a piece of moss or a dead vole (38)
(Billings Gazette) Dumbass Protip: If you're 23 and film yourself having sex with a 16 year old, don't threaten to release it if she breaks up with you. There are lots of folks interested in that sort of thing. Some of whom have badges (150)
(Toronto Star) Spiffy 16-year-old gets stabbed on the way to a job interview, goes to the interview, then the hospital. Lazy and entitled my Gen-Y ass (89)
(MSNBC) Amusing Tourism Queensland destroys US hopes for capturing bin Laden (20)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this basketball game (27)
(MSNBC) Fail Not-news: Ex-husband told to pay woman's rent . News: Woman was murdered. Fark: Landlord sayd she broke lease by giving insufficient notice of vacating apartment (131)
(London Times) Cool Black Panthers versus the Taliban. This will make Pirates v Ninjas look like carebears cuddle time (63)
(NYPost) Strange New York City Parks & Recreation Commissioner thinks ex-Wall Street bankers would make great lifeguards, fails to realize everyone will try to drown them (17)
(Telegram) Stupid City tells man to stop clearing sidewalks and making the city highway department look bad in comparison (40)
(KHOU Houston) Dumbass Your coworker is abducted in front of you at the mall, do you: a) Stay there and call 911; b) Follow the car while talking to dispatchers; or c) Drive around for a hour then call the police from your home (64)
(Some Dirty, Lower Lifeform) Weird Dad wants his kids kept away from his ex, a dominatrix. She, on the other hand, wants to know who told that worm it was okay to speak (104)
(Some Sick Chicken) Scary How to win friends and influenza people (39)
(Some Guy) Scary When you have surgery, there are many things that could go wrong: bleeding, a heart attack, infection, death, and your face catching on fire (40)
(Telegraph) Ironic If you are your country's schools minister, you should probably spell-check your blog before posting it (38)
(The Sun) Scary Woman carves her name into the skin of a passed out man whom she had a drunken one-night stand with. "I went to her place for sex, not to be tattooed. I look like something out of the TV show Prison Break." (147)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Policeman stops driver of stolen car. Driver takes off, crashes into police car. Policeman clings to stolen car, reaches in window, takes keys from ignition, climbs down, dusts off big brass balls (26)
(AFP) Fail If there was a spokeswoman for fail, it would be this fine lady (95)
(The Sun) Stupid After Prince Harry's apologies over racist comments, now it's the Queen's turn, after it was revealed that her estate's gift shop were still selling black-faced dolls referred to as "gollies" (80)
(Telegraph) Amusing You can try and make the claim that the British are romantic at heart, but then you'll just read a story about how their favorite pet names for each other are things like "Poo face" and "Fatty Bum Bum", so why bother? (34)
(CBS Sacramento) Ironic In Sacramento, having knee-high weeds in your yard is okay. But having nice-looking fake grass on the other hand? That's a $700 fine (86)
(Stars and Stripes) Dumbass Air Force units fail nuclear weapons inspections. No, this is not a repeat from 2008, 2007, & 2006 (49)
(MSNBC) Sad PA governor calls for major budget cut to school for the deaf. Bet they didn't see that coming (106)
(Telegraph) Weird Illegal immigrants delivered to chocolate factory in cocoa truck. Doompa-de-doo (27)
(FARK) Photoshop It's been a year, so let's do it again: Two famous people enter the teleporter at the same time and their DNA gets all mixcombobulated. Photoshop the hybrid person that emerges (LGT last year's contest) (113)
(CNN) PSA FEMA, still basking in its successes in New Orleans and Texas, has revealed the emergency kits it sent to Kentucky and Arkansas have tainted peanut butter (60)
(Stars and Stripes) Cool Astronaut tells space stories from breathtaking Earth views to recycling urine. "We call it the coffee machine. It takes yesterday's coffee to make today's coffee." (39)
(WWLTV) Silly ZZ Top to blame for the $20,000 that woman receives in parking tickets (54)
(Reuters) Asinine It's official: TV is now an essential human right (82)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 196: "That's Cold". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme (259)

Wed February 04, 2009
(Spike) Amusing Top 10 Old School Arcade games. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, BA select start (332)
(NBC Washington) Scary Hope and change have come to Washington, as rats are now eating people's cars (43)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these silhouettes (36)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you're going to run from the cops on foot, it's probably not a good idea to take a short cut onto Interstate 5 through downtown Seattle in the middle of the day (34)
(AP) Weird Eighteen year-old high school student pretends to be a female on Facebook to score some nude pictures of fellow male classmates, is charged with child enticement, and then it gets weird (146)
(LA Times) Scary Who has the shortest life expectancy: a.) Spinal Tap drummer b.) al Qaeda #2 or c.) Mexican drug czar? (81)
(Kansas City) Strange High school basketball coach told to stop hypnotizing his players. "I think it is something a person could rely on and become hooked to" (38)
(RedEye Chicago) Stupid "Columnists" engage in head-to-head debate over whether The Snuggie© is awesome or useless. Apparently lost on them is the fact that people incapable of operating a normal blanket are not likely to be very big readers (116)
(NJ.com) Weird Teen tries to break up with "vampyre" boyfriend by saying she is a "vampyre hunter". Then, things got a little weird (197)
(Press Citizen) Dumbass When Johnathan David Gunn arrived at the Johnson County jail in Iowa City to serve a 3 day sentence for public intoxication yesterday he was arrested yet again for being drunk when her arrived at the jail. Gunn, it seems, was loaded (39)
(Houston Chronicle) Stupid Problem: Above-ground powerlines may be affected by trees. Houston's Solution: Ban trees (56)
(NJ.com) Interesting Man shot in face. Spits out bullet. That's New Jersey (48)
(BBC) Sick How do you recruit a female suicide bomber? Easy, just rape her and tell her it's the only escape from her shame and humiliation (178)
(wish tv) Fail Elder driving report: 1) Hit building 2) Pull out of said building, hit bush, fence and four cars 3) Drive into same building again 4) Back out again hit two different cars (80)
(AP) Cool Kentucky Amish teach non-Amish how to not be such pussies about the ice storm (139)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida "Attention students of Palm Springs Middle School: This is your Principal. Please do not eat the Xanax" (57)
(AP) Followup In an effort to close the gate after the horses are long since dead, Feds raid home of suspected 1982 Tylenol tamperer (74)
(CBS Sacramento) Scary Apparently not satisfied with a great Super Bowl finish, this woman sicced her pit bull on 13-year-old family member for some OT "fun" (with pic of the dog) (243)
(SFGate) Asinine The nation's digital TV conversion, which was to be delayed, then not delayed, then delayed, then not delayed, then delayed, then not delayed, is now officially delayed. And we mean it this time. Honest (239)
(Some Motorboater) Amusing At last a KKK we can all get behind (347)
(The Sun) Sad British Gulf War veteran pulls out 13 of his own teeth with pliers after failing to find a dentist. See, Brits? This is why we make fun of you (151)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this obvious hoax (94)
(Gizmodo) Silly Some dateless virgin figures that the Death Star would cost 15.6 septillion dollars and 94 cents (263)
(Fox Sports) Spiffy Kobe Bryant gave some waitress a big tip. Oh, he also left her gratuity worth $2000.00 (92)
(CNN) Scary Lexus Hybrid SUV mistakenly thinks it's in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, randomly explodes for no reason. UPDATE: CSI team finds bomb residue, provides necessary plot twist (232)
(Local6) Florida Florida speeding fines going up to close budget gap, err... increase safety. Make sure the headline says "increase safety", okay Phil? (148)
(Denver Post) Cool Fark: Masked man robs convenience store with Klingon sword. UltraFark: both clerks recognize sword as a "Batleth" (239)
(MSN) Weird The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar has got an issue with the word "got." In other news, there's a Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar (162)
(Houston Chronicle) Obvious School administrators support zero-tolerance drug policies until the illegal cholesterol medication is found in their car (153)
(3 News New Zealand) Amusing Good news, America: President Obama hasn't smoked a cigarette on the White House grounds since he took office. Isn't that great? Now, go buy a car (170)
(Telegraph) Silly A tree that looks like a chicken. Slow news day, eh? (56)
(AP) Asinine Man injured in traffic incident dies after 14 hospitals reject paramedics' pleas. And you think your health care plan sucks (105)
(The Sun) Weird Sixteen-year-old boy undergoes sex change operation after "dreaming of being a girl since age 2" (w/pic) (760)
(Reuters) Unlikely New study says that commercial interruptions make-GET YOUR FREE CREDIT REPORTS- TV viewing-IT'S A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES- more-ALL NEW GIRLS GONE NAKED- enjoy-ARE YOU CONSTIPATED-able (135)
(Houston Chronicle) Strange Some people say Karin TarQwyn is the world's greatest pet detective. Others suspect she might just be talking out of her ass (49)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Female teacher, arrested for sex with an underage student, employs the "he's a slut who's been having sex since he was 12, has a 21-year-old girlfriend and is a porn addict. How could I possibly have victimized him?" defense (146)
(BBC) Scary Just when you thought they'd run out of ways to kill you to death: Sex cancers (69)
(CantonRep.com) Dumbass If you are going to the jail to register your address as a sex offender, it's probably not a good idea to bring your weed with you (21)
(SeattlePI) Asinine Budget deficit? Need cash? Just change your seat-belt enforcement laws. Cha-CHING. No, seriously, it's to make it SAFER for you (306)
(Some Guy) Misc Earliest chocolate has been now dated to between A.D. 1000 and 1125, still on sale at Walgreens (45)
(National Post) Asinine What do you call a 13-year-old who stabs someone after being refused a cigarette? In Canada, you call him a "victim of society" ("precious snowflake" would also be accepted) (251)
(News.com.au) Sappy I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's an ugly-ass baby koala cooling down in a tub of water (57)
(Marketwatch) Cool What do Ultimate Fighting, Valentine's Day and Plush Toys have in common? (116)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Former lap-dancer to become a lawyer, still gets to screw her clients (104)
(Some Cantabrigians) Interesting City police: We've spent the last four years secretly installing a Homeland Security surveillance network. City council: WTF? Turn that thing off (222)
(CBC) Obvious Actual headline: "Winter storm closes schools across P.E.I., N.S." Woah, that was close (96)
(NJ.com) Interesting New Jersey congressman requests a federal investigation of Ticketmaster after hundreds of Bruce Springsteen concert tickets show up on their TicketsNow resale subsidiary at four times their face value, just moments after they went on sale (272)
(News.com.au) Amusing Firemen rescue guy stuck up a tree with no pants. He was rooted otherwise (with video) (37)
(BBC) Weird Married couple's kiss in public ruled not obscene by Indian criminal court, which spontaneously broke out into elaborate 10-minute song-and-dance number as verdict was read (94)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop challenge: How do you think the world will end? (116)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Guy fires gun into locked 7-11 beer cooler to steal case of Busch, doesn't think his cunning plan through: "The man had spilled beer on his clothing because he shot holes into the beer packaging, which caused several leaks" (51)
(The Scotsman) Spiffy "Two airport baggage handlers drove in circles beside planes before purposely crashing their vehicles into one another, a court heard" (39)
(News 10 ABC Sacramento) Interesting Man in New Jersey prevents man from committing suicide in Sacramento. Oh Internet webcam, is there anything you can't do? (54)
(The Daily Beast) Unlikely Women rack up cash by doing freelance dominatrix work as economy worsens; hope to whip downturn, clamp down on expenses (137)
(Guardian.com) Obvious New research finds universities don't like common people, even if they rent a flat above a shop, cut their hair and get a job (133)
(Yahoo) Dumbass "A thief who used a frozen chicken as a tool to break into a cafe was caught after he cut his wrist and was forced to phone an ambulance" (25)
(Some Bird) Photoshop Photoshop this Virgin Bird (56)

Tue February 03, 2009
(Telegraph) Obvious Eating snow is good for you (103)
(ABC News) Obvious The South will never rise again, but in South Carolina it will be able to sleep until noon as state proposes Confederate holiday (410)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Asinine Macy's on Monday: Swooning sales and poor earnings lead to 7000 layoffs. Tuesday: Macy's execs get $1.39 M in performance bonuses (295)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Keeping photos of you hugging students? bad. Touching students inappropriately? worse. Asking them out via text? That's a firing (39)
(Some "Guy on Guy" Guy) Obvious New filings show that the Mormon Churched lied about how much they contributed to the California gay marriage battle. Old filings show how they lied about all that Joseph Smith business (459)
(Reuters) Followup German Chancellor argues with Pope over Jews. This is not a repeat from 1939 (234)
(NEO Seeker) Dumbass 27-year-old man arrested for meeting teen for sex, also charged with having ridiculous haircut (w/pic) (120)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida Group that led state gay marriage ban drive now working to reduce heterosexual divorce rate by banning no-fault divorce law (344)
(MSNBC) Misc MySpace removes 90,000 sex offenders, leaving 14 genuinely legitimate profiles intact (91)
(3 News New Zealand) Spiffy City council gets something right for once, shuts down bagpiping busker (28)
(News.com.au) Interesting "Bromance," ""textaholic," "toxic debt," and "flashpacker." Guess which word/phrase is the Macquarie Dictionary word of the year for 2008 (84)
(Seattle Times) Obvious Apparently in prison when you separate people who want to kill each other, violence goes down...who knew? (43)
(Telegraph) Dumbass Woman who's just miscarried: "Is it safe to try for another baby?" Doctor: "Yes, but wait until you leave the office. And don't pretend you're in a porn movie and swing from the chandeliers." Try the veal (101)
(Dallas News) Scary Duncanville red light cameras issue nearly 45,000 tickets within a year -- in a town with population of 38,500 (130)
(WPTZ) Dumbass Police disassemble chimney to free man who "couldn't remember how he got" there. Alcohol might have been a factor (23)
(MSNBC) Amusing London restaurant tells customers "Pay whatever you want," because this business model has worked so smashingly well in the past (75)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this busy motorway (49)
(Canada.com) Amusing Wearing hair in "bo-bangs" becomes increasingly popular with middle-aged women as way to hide unsightly forehead wrinkles and age spots (134)
(The Sun) Dumbass UK police station replaces Union Jack with gay rights flag. Apparently someone - aside from certain shirtless constructions workers, Indians, Navy seamen and leather-clad bikers - has a problem with that (52)
(The Sun) Amusing Firemen called in to remove stuck penis ring. The Sun is there (85)
(London Times) Scary Bad: Drunk airline pilot whaargarbles on the intercom. Worse: Passengers revolt. Worser: Airline officials board plane and assure passengers that since the plane's computerized, it doesn't matter if the pilot's drunk (95)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Paid your condo fees? Good. Condo didn't pay the water bill? Sucks to be you (52)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Like using cotton swabs and useless statistics? It's not news, it's MSNBC (105)
(Telegraph) Followup It's amazing what two days off from work and a little snow can do for a nation's demeanor: "Total strangers, who pointedly ignore each other on their daily tube and bus journeys, actually spoke" and helped people who fell (31)
(Drew) FarkBlog Fark party updates: Pasadena Thurs, San Francisco Sun, Lexington Friday Feb 13th - venue change to Redmons (52)
(Des Moines Register) Dumbass Man beats up his ex-girlfriend after his video game character dies because she stood in front of the television. Game over, man. Game over (371)
(UPI) Interesting Without looking at the article do you know the length of the white dashes dividing highway lanes? The distance between dashes? (119)
(Some Guy) Florida Shoot yourself in the head with a BB gun, thats five taserin's (54)
(Sign On San Diego) Asinine Cops threatens to ticket a man who volunteered to pick up trash along the highway (68)
(Buffalo News) Amusing Suspect is pantsless, I repeat, pantsless (57)
(Telegraph) Scary Hindu extremists vow to attack Valentine's Day couples. Suck it Hallmark and Russell Stover (132)
(CNN) Sad Habitat for Humanity founder goes to that big, volunteer-built house in the sky (84)
(AP) Interesting Kyrgyzstan shutting down key U.S. air base due to America's flagrant use of vowels (115)
(Some Storm Guy) Cool "I'm going storm chasing" But... it's January. "I'm going ICE storm chasing" (with lots of pics) (75)
(Raptor Zombie) Followup Zombies have left Texas - entered Illinois (345)
(Billings Gazette) Amusing "You're not going to make it in prison, you're too young, not big enough and you look like a girl." Ummmm... thank you, your honor (161)
(Some Guy) Cool Finally, something worth reading at weather.com: Ten great organic beers (96)
(Telegraph) Interesting Nanny State wants to teach employers and school children how to copperplate the eggplants of purple monkey dishwater (60)
(WFAA-TV) Fail Teen picks wrong day to get high. Tries to carjack an armed police officer... who was in the patrol car... flashing its emergency lights... looking for him (75)
(nbc4i.com) Dumbass Man calls 911, puts dispatcher on hold to buy crack (35)
(BBC) Strange Detectives reopen case of 16-year-old girl who went missing while cycling to railway station. In 1926 (100)
(The Newspaper) Ironic California city complains that red-light camera appeal proceeding that didn't go its way was a "sham" and that the city was denied due process (118)
(Bloomberg) Amusing If Mayor Bloomberg's hand gets bitten by an irate groundhog, it means six more weeks of higher taxes (46)
(Local6) Strange If you see a man wearing a sleeping bag as a cape and carrying a screwdriver as a weapon, you may want to run (122)
(MSNBC) Interesting Failing economy may be brining out more Grammer Nazi's (276)
(BBC) Dumbass When you're signing a major trade agreement with a foreign country, make absolutely sure you know which way up your flag is supposed to fly (95)
(1010WINS) Scary 3.0 earthquake rattles NJ, breaking tens of thousands of bottles of Drakkar and Grey Goose. Camaro suspension damage alone estimated to be in the millions (191)
(IndyStar) Unlikely The Center for Making Up Big Numbers says second-hand smoke cost Indiana $390,000,000 last year (106)
(NYPost) Interesting The best way to understand and defeat the Taliban is to treat them as if they're aliens from the planet Allah (271)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Protip: When going to traffic court for your 13th charge of driving with suspended license, don't drive away from the courthouse in your purple '88 Caddy marked "PIMP PLAZA" and "Mister Oldskool" (48)
(Local6) Cool Friends help suicidal teen. Story turns into worldwide movement to help others. Yes, good people still exist (83)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Florida: You'll come for the eggs, but you'll stay for the urine and lighter fluid (37)
(Some Guy) Cool Deep down, you know you're totally jealous of this guy and his steampunk Superman costume (184)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass A rolling stone gathers no moss, but a rolling giant snowball gathers dumbasses galore (with pics and video) (45)
(London Times) Spiffy Are you serious about saving the planet? Then let's have sex  T-Shirt (95)
(Telegraph) Followup Britain's failure to cope with six inches of snow leads to embarassment in Europe, on Fark (128)
(Al Jazeera) Unlikely Iran has 'shopped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the beard of Allah (148)
(Some Guy) Obvious Man and his brother beat a cop with his own flashlight, receive complimentary police beauty make-over (157)
(AP) Scary North Korea to test missile capable of reaching western U.S. Officials brush it off, believe it will be bigger dud than "Gigli" (106)
(FARK) Photoshop Theme: Monkey see, monkey do (38)
(London Times) Scary USA to build "most powerful computer ever" to control nuclear arsenal. Here comes the Skynet (158)
(The Scotsman) Unlikely British NHS employees face total ban on smoking, even at home or during operations (40)
(Some Single Guy) Amusing "My ideas for staged photos set me apart from other wedding photographers." Yes, they do (95)
(News.com.au) Amusing If you've been invited to someone's house for group sex and you're feeling a bit left out, telling the homeowner, "I'm not leaving until I've had sex with your missus" is NOT the right way to handle the situation (127)
(Boston Globe) Misc Police officer wins lawsuit against town after corrupt police chief demotes him for investigating corrupt former police chief (30)
(The Sun) Interesting Student banned from university because his feet stink wins 10-year legal battle to be readmitted (58)
(Some Guy) Followup During a salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter, GA's agriculture commissioner has been asked to step down. "Honestly, it's a product of the fact that we've had someone who took office before man landed on the moon" (32)
(NASA) Cool The coolest lenticular clouds you're likely to see today (59)
(Ocala.com) Florida Eighty mph with an officer's legs hanging out of your VW is no way to go through life, son (32)
(Guardian.com) Interesting In America when it snows people stock up on milk, bread and toilet paper. In Britain it's whiskey and cat litter (67)
(The Times of India) Amusing In India, they call it Frustration Aggression Syndrome. In the U.S., we call it batshiat crazy when you threaten a flight crew with infected needles, and we cure it with a beatdown (27)
(Yahoo) Amusing GOP Congressional staffers invite Joe the Plumber to weekly strategy meeting. And you thought the Obama years wouldn't be funny  T-Shirt (371)
(Telegram) Photoshop Photoshop this hockey mascot (82)

Mon February 02, 2009
(BBC) Asinine Rigged red-light cameras net $170 million for crooked authorities in Italy. Thank goodness that can't happen here (78)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Home burns down while owner at church. "God works in mysterious ways" reasons owner (123)
(CBS Sacramento) Cool Sully gets waiver on library return fees, since the book he checked out was in the cargo hold when his plane crashed (71)
(My Fox Phoenix) Scary You know that fantasy you used to have, when your HOT English teacher would ask you to stay after class to earn some credit? Yeah, this is NOT that fantasy (58)
(YouTube) Amusing Move over Billy Mays and Vince Offer, here is the greatest pitchman ever (159)
(UPI) Scary Bellaire, OH residents asked to avoid drinking tap water for a few days, to avoid a teensy problem with the hydrochloric acid dissolving their innards (60)
(North Island Midweek) Scary Best bedtime story you'll read all week. "It isn't every day that a pleasant little 51-year-old handyman admits to being a cannibal, ghoul, necrophile, murderer and transvestite" (136)
(News.com.au) Stupid Fat women forced to purchase two seats because she is so large. Not such a big deal until she discovered the two seats were not next to one another (133)
(Some Jealous Farkette) Video Most. Awesome. Dad. Ever (97)
(Livenews) Amusing Is that a pigeon in your pants or are you just happy to see me? Oh no, wait, that's a pigeon. (With remarkably hairy leg photo scariness) (37)
(UPI) Amusing Forget about the zombies in Texas. Now traffic signs in Indiana are warning motorists about the flesh-ripping raptors (112)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Man fails to see the funny side after doctor who is treating him for depression has an affair with his wife (85)
(Some Guy) Asinine Today's white powder that's actually make-up but requires the local police, state police, and national guard to shut down your school for 24 hours brought to you by New Mexico (17)
(News.com.au) Asinine Girl dies at music festival after panicking and swallowing three ecstasy tablets at once to avoid being caught by police sniffer dog. Clearly her death is the police's fault (225)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Bizarre visual syndrome causes thousands to see little people, lose Lucky Charms (44)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Town officials want to ban grade school kids from playing under a tree in case they damage its roots (39)
(AZCentral) Interesting Man goes after his brother with a hatchet because he was playing the stereo too loud. Tries to turn him into a half-brother (25)
(Some Guy) Sad Father of Playmobil dead at 79 (83)
(WBBM) Strange Police in Boulder are "taking back" the JonBenet Ramsey murder investigation. They are also taking over the investigation of the murders of Tupac and Biggie Smalls and the search for DB Cooper (61)
(Some Guy) Amusing Truck hauling cocoa overturns in West Virginia resulting in a 'Hershey Highway'. w/pics (67)
(News.com.au) Stupid Research says schools should allow kids to use their mobile phones in class whenever they want. Why? Because kids don't pay any attention to the bans, anyway. That's some good logic there, Lou (132)
(MSNBC) Florida After getting dirt on a woman's car while riding your ATV, the next logical move would be to bite the earlobe off her husband (45)
(ABC Action News) Florida How do bored teens entertain themselves, you ask? By randomly tossing Molotov cocktails at parked cars, homes (81)
(Drew) FarkBlog Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-25 to Sat 2009-01-31 (14)
(UPI) Dumbass Apparently this protip has not made it to England yet: If you are going to commit a crime when it is snowing, DO NOT WALK HOME (46)
(TBO) Florida Don't want to pay your $4 bar tab? Just tell the bartender you're an undercover officer with the Tampa Police Department and worked on homeland security then call 911. Bail tab:$1,750 (39)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this Chinese inmate ringing in the New Year (53)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Saudi Arabian Airlines: When we say "no smoking", we mean "no smoking" (149)
(Seattle Times) Strange In latest Japanese craze, you are what your blood type is (241)
(CNN) Dumbass Pakistani militants kidnap American U.N. official, U.N. unavailable for comment as they're drafting a strongly worded letter (116)
(Kansas City) Asinine Instead of just a few days, man ends up staying in jail a month because of a paperwork error. Then the jail sends him a bill for the accomodations, which he can't pay, which may put him back in jail (86)
(Denver Channel) Weird Proving that the media has no bias, they chose to run this headline: Hybrid Driver Arrested In Road Rage Case (98)
(The Sun) Sappy Labrador takes care of ugly-ass one-month-old orphaned tiger cubs. The Sun is there (39)
(wish tv) Dumbass Police: Leave lights on to deter crime, apparently we must be stupid (130)
(CNN) Fail Zimbabwe slashes zeroes from its currency in an effort to fight rampant hyperinflation. This is not a repeat from 2008. Or 2006 (105)
(Jalopnik) Followup One minute you are the media darling, the next, you are being towed through the streets of Jersey City (34)
(FARK) Spiffy Vancouver Fark Party reminder: leave your igloos this Monday, Feb 2nd (Toby's Pub, 7pm). Drew can't make it due to Canadian weather in KY but don't let that stop you. DIT (98)
(UPI) Unlikely Move over, Hannah Van Buren. Martha Washington was the original FLILF (217)
(News Times) Asinine Federal judge quits over lack of pay raises. Because in this day and age, who can squeak by on a mere $169,300? (262)
(Kotaku) Fail Kanagawa Japan police facing budget cuts use a Nintendo Wii to make a police sketch. I think I saw that guy hanging out in Mario Cart (55)
(NJ.com) Cool What do Jon Bon Jovi, Jerry Lewis, Shaq, Abbott and Costello, Walt Whitman, William Carlos Williams, Paul Robeson, Phil Rizzuto, Althea Gibson, Guglielmo Marconi, Carl Sagan and F. Scott Fitzgerald have in common? America's greatest state (171)
(WFTV) Florida Driver calls 911 to report that cops are pulling him out of his vehicle (screaming hilarity ensues) (96)
(Canoe) Fail Five engineering students arrested after the rope holding the VW Beetle they suspended from a bridge in Vancouver breaks (89)
(CBC) Silly Reason #23 not to piss off your local snowplow driver (82)
(ABC News) Obvious $45 billion Bank of America bailout from taxpayers being put to good use, such as the $10 million Super Bowl carnival it threw (195)
(Reuters) Amusing In Tokyo, good cop bad cop will no longer involve offering a cigarette (25)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Unlikely Christina Raines, the woman engaged to Drew Peterson, claims she pulled a cunning stunt (87)
(CBC) Dumbass Unless the other party specifically asks you to, it's probably not necessary to take your 15-month-old along to your drug deal (28)
(Fox News) Stupid Archaeologist travels to Turkey "In Search of" Noah's Ark. Lost civilizations, extraterrestrials, myths and monsters, missing persons, magic and witchcraft, unexplained phenomena.., (466)
(Telegraph) Asinine Nanny State bans kids from snow-covered parks, front lawns (100)
(Canoe) Strange Environmental group distributing decals to make the loon on Canada's $1 coin look like it's covered in oil (61)
(Some Guy) Dumbass When your friend drops their cell phone into a 900 foot deep caldera, just let it go man, 'cause it's gone (82)
(AP) Spiffy Great living: Flat screen TV, wireless Internet, free laundry, maid service. Price: $13,800 a year. All this in your precious snowflake's dorm at Purdue University (113)
(wigantoday) Amusing The War on Rabbits continues: Farmer disguises tractor as a cow (complete with firing platform and gunslit) (77)
(BBC) Dumbass Man admits doing 122 mph on his motorcycle with his 14-year-old son on the back. His defense? He went faster because it was raining (51)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida If there's a time and place to get stabby on your ex's new boyfriend, it's certainly not at a probation office in front of a bunch of cops (27)
(Toronto Star) Interesting New ruling in Ontario forces women who wear the niqab to take it off in court, allowing defendants to face their accusers. Surely no religion prone to overreaction and violence will have a problem with this (215)
(AOL) Asinine Florida treasure company finds ship that sank in 1744 with 4 tons of gold, in international waters, off British coast. Huge payday for salvagers? No. Brits say they never abandoned ship so it's theirs (245)
(CBS 46) Scary Atlanta firefighters dispatched to the wrong house for the second time in a week. Maybe having them call in sick to watch the Super Bowl wasn't such a bad thing (19)
(News.com.au) Interesting Experts say authorities should take obese children into protective custody (104)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Dumbass There's "drunk", and then there's "hijacking a limo before punching a ballerina" drunk (57)
(Denver Post) Interesting Vail considers pay-as-you-throw trash program to encourage recycling based in part on the large employee housing complex. "Residents throw out many cans and bottles" (71)
(Telegraph) Scary Britain paralyzed by snow. Oops, sorry; "paralysed" (191)
(CBS Boston) Stupid Apparently having solved all other problems, Massachusetts legislature considering law requiring helmets while sledding (112)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this soccer enthusiast (41)
(AJC) Scary Atlanta closes five fire stations after 27 firefighters call out sick for Super Bowl Sunday (120)
(Chicago Tribune) Silly The Smithsonian wants Aretha Franklin's Inauguration Day hat, which will fit nicely in the Air & Space museum next to the satellites (82)
(Some Cold Guy) Scary If you are driving a truck carrying 7500 kg of explosives in the snow, you may want to avoid tailgating, especially if the other vehicle is transporting diesel fuel (54)
(The Local (Germany)) Followup Great news everybody, German schoolchildren have finally found their talking loaf (42)
(Canada.com) Interesting Canadian appeals court rules that if your rights are violated by arrest, and you're strip-searched when you did nothing wrong -- you get a cookie (36)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Priest says Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for promiscuous, homosexual New Orleans. Is he: A) Defrocked? B) Criticized? Or C) Made bishop? (252)
(Spike) Cool Top 10 Super Bowl commercials... from last night (253)
(9 News) Obvious Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today, so we can expect six more weeks of whining about the Super Bowl officiating (107)
(CBS Sacramento) Dumbass Three senior citizens arrested after trying to shoplift cart full of liquor from Costco and violently resisting the receipt checker at the exit. Bonus: Mugshot goodness (99)
(9 News) Interesting Creepy blue horse statue with demon eyes outside DIA will have at least four more years to gather its satanic power (130)
(News4Jax) Florida Police, firefighter telemarketer charities keep majority of collections for themselves, about 99 cents of each dollar brought in (80)
(Some Guy) Asinine Handsome young NYPD undercover officers are offering middle aged men money in exchange for sex and then arresting them. With inexplicable graphic (189)
(Arizona Star) Interesting Comcast inserted 30 seconds of full-frontal porn into Super Bowl broadcast in Tucson. Top that, Janet Jackson (239)
(Some Guy) Weird Police weed Weed for giving weed to Weed (33)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop the unsinkable, always highly photoshoppable brand new Secretary of State (94)
(Some Free & Happy Guy) Interesting Secret lives of Somali pirates revealed by recently freed hostage. List includes: Pirates freaked out when they thought a lighthouse attacked them, a pirate-pirate gunshot to the arm, and Internet pr0n is a fav of the Somalis. (Pics included) (94)
(Yahoo) Scary Old and busted: Is your refrigerator running? New hotness: Sending the SWAT team to the wrong house (58)
(Heart Attack Man) Asinine Heart attack victim calls for ambulance, but finds out they won't come get him because a nearby bridge is weight-restricted. He waits another half hour for another ambulance. At least he lived to tell the tale (214)
(Daytona Beach News Journal) Florida Education cuts means no substitute teachers, placing kids into holding tanks if regular teachers call in sick (58)
(Telegraph) Silly Women who look like Rumer Willis more likely to cheat, have hots for stepfather (87)
(CBS New York) Stupid Cable company loses service for Super Bowl in NYC, says they'll send out a technician to fix the problem... Wednesday (76)