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Sun January 11, 2009
(Some Maine-iac)
In New Hampshire, the fewer numbers you use on your license plate, the more you pay for it. You can't afford 0 so don't even ask
(Canton Repository)
79-year-old Ohio man gets his GED. "I felt I was being discriminated against just because I didn't have a piece of paper"
Bernie Madoff accused of bilking his own sister. I thought that only happened in the South
In these time of unrest, more and more people are finding comfort in astrology. "What I do is about as far removed from the horoscopes you read in newspapers as you can imagine"
Man takes 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube. "'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept"
Slow news day: Farmer unearths potato shaped like a person. Fark: with bonus "weird vegetables of the world" gallery and smiley face drawn on said potato
Authorities are on the lookout for the world's biggest "Beverly Hills Ninja" fan
Teen sends 14,528 txt msgs 2 her bff Jill. In one month. AT&T surrenders
Hospital forced to widen the maternity ward doors by 4-inches because of an increasing number of obese mothers. "It causes problems and it's not very dignified for patients."
Bush defends harsh interrogation tactics. This is in no way a plug for his favorite network's best TV show that happens to be kicking off its seventh season tonight. Besides, Bush is RUNNING OUT OF TIME
(Daily Bulletin)
Newspaper provides a handy guide on where to find teen prostitutes & pimp-networking sites, but first a message from Officer Obvious; "Pimps don't like to be messed with"
Despite a deepening recession, lottery sales are on the rise on news that people hate being poor
(Some NOAA guy)
Photoshop this sea urchin chillin' in Hawaii
You're low on cash, and you wanna get high. What's a sixth grader to do?
(Buzzfeed)
In which a man attempts to take a picture of himself and his cats
(Some Guy in a trailer)
$28 million dollar house burns. Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees
If you're going to complain about poor service and food quality at a restaurant, make sure there isn't a video recording of you enjoying your meal
(Some Guy)
60 vehicle pileup in Derry snow complete with women's hockey team, group of boy scouts, and all the other characters you'd expect from Stephen King's favorite town. Officials cannot identify a cause
Ugly-ass baby western lowland gorilla born at National Zoo (w/ pic that Facebook would remove)
"The world will never be safe until Scrabble is banned. Board games do not bring a family closer together. They rip out its heart in a seething cauldron of rage"
UC Santa Cruz researchers studying Bay Area cougars "including mating habits, favored prey, survival needs, and travel routes" hope to collar the cougars so humans can track them, noting that cougars can be a threat to public safety
(Some Guy)
Lawyer tries to blackmail ex-girlfriend into emailing him naked pictures of her by threatening to send DVD of them having sex to her husband. Does so while at Disney World with his wife and two kids
Which of the following is most accurate: A.) Lawyers are ruining America, B.) Lawyers have already ruined America, or C.) This headline offends me and I'm filing a lawsuit against you
Facing impending ice age, world leaders call for new efforts to stop global warming
Britain eliminated from maps of Europe. Good
And so, inevitably, it has come to this: "Cute Things Falling Asleep." It's not news, it's TIME.com
Hyundai takes coveted Car of the Year award. At the Detroit auto show. GM vows revenge, threatens to unleash their vast armies of auto engineers to re-engineer kimchi
(Parade)
Reason #421 why casinos are great: Las Vegas has a 53% heart attack survival rate because of all the casino security cameras, as opposed to 16% in Seattle, and 2% in Chicago, where all the cameras are being used to catch crooked politicians
Landslide cuts off 200 people in Index. Something needs to be done, however officials are having difficulty sorting it all out
Latest Global Warming concern is computers and the internet. Take that Mr "I Invented The Internet"
(Joystiq)
Not news: Guy writes a computer game by himself. News: Stages 100 day web-cam sit-in to get official Nintendo DS development kit. Fark: Trashes his room and fakes his own death at day 30
Just in case the logo and the list of ingredients aren't clear enough, Cadburys will now be putting large "CONTAINS MILK" warnings on their chocolate bars. Their MILK chocolate bars
State Department threatens disciplinary actions against employees because so many of them use the "reply to all" function on large distribution lists that it nearly shut down their system completely
Obese Americans fear the development of a nutritional Nanny State on this side of the pond
(Some Krusty)
Photoshop this sculpture of balloons
(Argus Leader)
Chainsaw massacres not really as messy as in movies, says the best research paper you'll see this year: "Blood and Tissue Spatter Associated With Chainsaw Dismemberment"
(Some Guy)
Somehow, I don't think your girlfriend will have the same appreciation for the red LED circuit board heart that you will
(KSL TV)
Moose using helicopters to stage airborne invasion of Colorado (with video)
Joe Biden visits Afghanistan, surprising Afghan and US officials who didn't know Amtrak goes there
"I expose myself when I'm drunk"
Work accident leaves Comcast installer dangling 100 feet up. 911 puts him on hold, says problem's on his end, offers useless "solutions," eventually sends firefighters
Welcome to YouTube, where the men are men, the women are men, and the thirteen-year old girls are vigilantes waiting to expose you as a pedophile
German experts to help Egypt stop smuggling through tunnels into Gaza. Because if there's anyone who knows about stopping tunnels leading into and out of camps, it's the Germans
If you saw your cousin being attacked by a shark, would you have the balls to paddle out to it on a surfboard and punch it in the nose? If you answered yes, you might be an Australian
Rivalry between lifeguards and lifesavers costs four lives
Norfolk County Council is warning drinkers about counterfeit vodka, which can be spotted by the telltale 'vodak' on the label
(Reading Chronicle)
You may think your Saturday sucked, but at least you weren't run through with a manure-stained pitchfork by a teenage girl
(Epoch Times)
Ant farmer kills herself because of bankruptcy. I for one welcome bankruptcy
90 years ago this week, 21 Bostonians were killed and 150 injured by a great wave... of molasses. Ah, the sweet release of death
(Courier Times)
If you rob a bank and flee in a cab, it's a bad idea to take the same cab the next day, wearing the same clothes
Indonesian ferry carrying 250 people sinks
(WWdN)
Wil Wheaton just bought his first Fark headline t-shirt
The most remarkable thing about this dog show story is a pic that proves owners look like their dogs and vice versa
A Nanny State pub bans Dennis-the-Menace-style shirts. Somewhere, Mr. Wilson is smiling
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this dude in his cave looking at his, uh, speleological thingies
This woman was drunk when she took her driving test. Hmmm. One word: PASS
Atlanta transit riders celebrate 'No Pants Day 2K9' (with safe for work pantless in public pics)
(Some Guy)
County Sheriff gives all his employees Christmas day off. Not only does hilarity ensue, he learns that the true meaning of "not news" is fark
Sat January 10, 2009
Swede makes a hotel out of a 747. It's plane to see that this idea will take off and be a runway hit
If you're going to rob a bank wearing a ski mask, you might as well cut in line. No, really, go ahead, it's cool
WoMn who popularized miniskirt says: "Everybody loves it, everybody loves wearing it, it makes people feel happy somehow" (pic)
Nanny state gives photographer 5-hour timeout for taking a picture of an office building adjacent to a police station
Scrubs are gross. Just like the show
Dumb: Teacher has sex with junior high student. Dumber: Sends nekid photos to her cell phone. Duke grad dumb: Shows cop videos of them playing hide the diploma
(KTUU-TV)
Three-time sex offender wins half a million in a raffle to help sex abuse victims
(Sierra Vista Herald)
Arizona speed cameras reprogrammed not to write tickets for 65 in a 55 because the state doesn't make enough money off that speed
Just exactly how old is Istanbul? That's nobody's business but the Turks... until now
Not News: Sea gulls attack tourists, defecate on them and try to steal ice cream. Still Not News: Man fends them off with such enthusiasm that one has to be put down. Fark: He is charged with "animal cruelty."
Oh yes, Obama did eat a big ole' half smoke when he made a surprise appearance at Ben's Chili Bowl
(Fenland Citizen)
Burglar gets beaten off by 94-year-old man, now knows how all those choirboys feel
"Cure fo Cancer" from Acme on backorder
The "Joy of Sex" update is nearing completion. The men are now less hirsute and one-legged ladies, "negresses", and sex on horseback are out, while safe sex and transexualism are in. Happy boinking, everybody
Photoshop this marching hippie
Cute-ass baby gorilla born at San Francisco Zoo
Bonfire tip: If you feel you absolutely must prime the fire with gasoline, try to pour it on the wood and not on the people standing around you
Man argues that the meth found in his urine got into his system during a dentist visit the day before his pee test
Cop in trouble after women realize that breast fondling and UFIV while being frisked aren't normal parts of the average traffic stop
Friends, family, fine wine, dead bat on the wedding bed, maggots in the sheets, and an insect invasion...just your average wedding, really
Seven things I learned working on a pot farm
Man creates own blue-light special by hiding in K-Mart closet and stealing $200,000 in jewelry after store closes. In other news, K-Mart has more than $200,000 in jewelry
School board to students' favorite math teacher: "GTFO". Students to school board: "GTFO"
In a move that's guaranteed to show the value of carrying firearms, man uses handgun to force paramedics to stop treating him after collision
(Travel Channel)
TV chef Anthony Bourdain reveals he's filming Rust Belt episode of "No Reservations" featuring segments on Detroit, Baltimore, and other failed U.S. cities
That Chattanooga cop who allegedly attacked the 71-yr old Wal-Mart greeter? Yeah... not so much, says judge who relies on actual evidence, including videotape. Judge: 1, Mob Mentality: 0
(Some Guy)
Caturday Bonus: 140 kittens resued from condemed house by Outlaw Bikers. With bonus pic of very scary man holding very cute kitteh
(Tribune-Review)
Protip: When transporting $700,000 of heroin after sunset, make sure your headlights are on
A shipment of 22 containers, carried by truck from Iran to Turkey for shipping to Venezuela, was labeled "tractor parts." Yeah, not so much
Disney adds 30 defibrillators throughout resort. Zap-a-dee-doo-dah
(Missoulian)
Musician and his totally hittable wife use a combination of new and recycled materials to build new home for about 45 cents per square foot (w/pic) (of house) (and wife)
U.S.S. George Bush commissioned, no word on when the Mission Accomplished banner will be hung
Number of "moderate" earthquakes in Southern California more than doubled from 2007 to 2008. EVERYBODY PANIC
"Ontario's beer police are running amok"
Philadelphia has one... two... three... three bald eagles' nests. Ah, ah, ah
According to Brits, the best TV ad EVER made features a toy monkey making a cup of tea. And they wonder why their currency has collapsed
City officials of Bullhead City, AZ learn the hard way that "eternal flames" cost a pretty penny, decide to turn it off. Veterans group tells city officials to stop living up the name of the town
Apparently the pirates that made off with three million dollars ransom for the oil tanker, didn't think about how much three million weighs. Rubber boats + three million = capsize
Being miles away from crime scene, boarding a plane while being filmed on video is not enough to not charge you with murder son, love Alabama
Man riding moped gets sleepy, decides to have a nap. In the middle of the road. Alcohol may have been a factor
Study finds women respond well to pictures of other women standing around in their underwear. Bow chicka-wow-wow
(Some Guys)
Photoshop this lofty lunch break
If you've ever strapped on a pair of iceskates and skated across your entire country, you might be a Canad... er... Dutch?
(Some Guy)
In a stroke of luck, a dog's owner was struck by a stroke as she was striking out to see a vet, after her dog was struck by a snare. She should stroke that dog, and be glad she wasn't struck by the stroke while stuck out there
Tennessee governor urges rejection of English-only amendment after discovering that "ain't", "y'all" and "howsyermomanem" aren't actually English
When travelling at 241 km/h in a 100 km/h zone, it is best that you do NOT pass a police officer
Cunning police catch burglars by expedient means of following their tracks through the snow for a mile to their hiding place. Genius, sheer genius
If you've ever thought that riding your bicycle to work in a snowstorm was a good idea, you might be a redn... er... a Canadian
(BND.com)
Another stoner learns the hard way that courthouses are drug-free zones. Who knew?
Salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter. You're darn Skippy the CDC refuses to take a Peter Pan approach to the matter, vows to tackle the investigation in a Jiffy
Bad news: Memory stick with details of 6,000 pages goes missing. Good news: the memory stick is encrypted. Bad News: Some dumbass left the password next to it on a sticky note
A baby møøse once fell through my window. No realli. Mynd you, baby møøse bites kan be pretty nasti
Goose flies straight into power cables cutting the power to 600 homes - in a village called Goosnargh. You really couldn't make it up
(ABC6)
By the numbers: .34, 3, 6, 97. You can guess which ones are MPH, blood alcohol and ages of kids in the car
Shocked and dismayed by events in Gaza, Malaysians punish the true culprits: Coca-Cola
Three men busted with 600 pounds of pot at Burger King. Suspicions arose when they ordered twelve thousand cheeseburgers and a large coke. Police estimate the drugs are worth $1.2 brazillion
Two Toronto cops taken to hospital after being roughed up by 80-year-olds. The 80-year olds were both given five-minute majors for fighting and offered defensemen contracts with the Maple Leafs
Next week's forecast calls for scattered showers and a 60% chance of cat...100% on Caturday
Step One: Get a job as a waiter at a Jewish wedding. Step Two: Play Arabic chants over the loudspeaker during the religious portion of the ceremony. Step Three: Prophet?
(10tv)
Criminal 1: I can't believe we just stole this guy's BMW. Criminal 2: This phone I just stole got a text message from someone who claims they have hot chicks and drugs and wants to meet. Criminal 1: He sounds legit. Let's meet him
Facing geopolitical catastrophe, the rich turn to gold bars, overlooking far safer investments like bullets and canned goods
Dezaray Colyer took a sewing machine, gave her mother forty whacks... dangit, need a word that rhymes with "machine"
(Some Guy)
Today's three hour police standoff with an empty shed brought to you by Salt Lake City
Travel tips for Britain, including, "When speaking to staff in shops, hotels and restaurants do not expect them to be kind or helpful. What do you think they are, your bleeding butler? Effing nerve. What did your last servant die of?"
(Some Guy)
The six types of annoying drunk party-goers. Yes, actually, you are listed
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this door
(Some Guy)
I promise to honor your life's choices, comfort you in sorrow, celebrate in your joy, support your endeavors, and bring the Pepto
Mako shark prefers eating outboard motor over freshly caught fish
Only 10 teachers in eight years have been fired because they are utterly incompetent. That's pretty high for government work
140-year-old lobster spied by patron in seafood restaurant. Patron notifies PETA, PETA convinces restaurant to release lobster back to sea due to his senior status. If only the law would let me do that with my great aunt Tilly
Twins in the womb dislodge mother's deadly tumor with their incessant kicking. With "yeah, we're pretty badass" pic
Looking for something to do in Nebraska or Iowa? Check out the Telephone Museum, Petrified Wood Gallery, or National Balloon Museum
One third of Americans now officially "obese." Thankfully, the coming depression, Yellowstone Supervolcano and/or Obama bailout will take care of this
Fri January 09, 2009
Ted Haggard, once involved in a gay sex scandal, says that his sexuality can't be put in a box. Apparently unaware that we already know it's hard for him to put things in a box
(Some Guy)
If you come to work and find 200 tires illegally dumped in your parking lot, who pays the bill for disposing of them? If you live in Canada, the answer is 'you' (pic)
If you have to drop the little woman off at the airport, be sure to take out your 30 handguns,7 rifles and ammo before the checkpoint
Far from being contemplative lovers of art and philosophy, the ancient Greeks were actually beer-swilling louts who used their homes as brothels
Police responding to a man who had been robbed and shot in the buttocks find 51 pot plants at his home worth $4,000. Isn't that a pain in the ass
(Some Farkin' New Yawkha)
NYC Parks Department needs Fark's help with a new mascot. (LGT Contest Submission Page)
If smoking is so bad for you, who still does it? Well, lets see, The President, most models, actors, actresses, and musicians, but other than that, nobody kids would want to emulate
Smoker claims co-worker permanently disabled her by contaminating air with perfume. That stinks
Today's TSG mug shot round up is brought to you by Granny Jones Storm Door and School of Cosmetology
Top 10 signs you've got a piece of shiat car
If you're trying to keep the fact that you're driving drunk on the down low, it's probably not a good idea to get out of your car and tell the cops patrolling on horseback that you like the horses and want to pet them
(Niagara Gazette)
When they asked if he was alone in the car, he allegedly said, "No, I had a group of midgets with me who ran away when you got here. Yeah, I was (expletive) alone, dude. Do you see anyone else?"
(Southeast Texas Record)
Woman sues for lawyer's sarcasm and doctor's rudeness; claims the latter "caused" a heart attack
What starts with "F" and ends with "uck" and was likely screamed seconds before impact?
5,000 toilets 3,000,000 people = 600 people / toilet. And you know the first guy to use it probably pissed all over the seat
(Some Guy)
17-year-old girl charged with a misdemeanor for having sex with her 14-year-old boyfriend a day after a 17-year-old boy is charged with a felony for having sex with his 14-year-old girlfriend (w/pic)
(Lehigh Valley Live)
The 900-pound butter sculpture at the Pennsylvania Farm Show honors National Guardsmen and their obligation to salute any dairy cow they meet (pic)
Not News: Some crazy customer bills the phone company $5,481 for his wasted time. FARK: The company agreed to pay it
British woman in court for performing sex acts in the street in front of appalled bystanders, with pic of-OH DEAR GOD
(Drew)
Update from Drew: Fark's a category on Jeopardy today and the 10th Anniversary Fark Party may happen in extra cities (bumped)
Today's "female teacher busted for having sex with teenage student over 300 times" story brought to you by Abington, Massachusetts (w/pics)
Everything in your bathroom will farking kill you
(Idaho Statesman)
Pizzeria saves 10% of all tips for 13 years so the whole company can take a week paid vacation in Coasta Rica
Use this handy dandy MSNBC map to watch unemployment rise across the country
The U.S. Army wants YOU in the fight to defend the frontier against Zur and the Kodan Armada
Baltimore's Mayor Indicted for bribery, perjury, theft, and misconduct in office
Photoshop this bald man's brisk bath
Museum staff shocked to discover that the Russian grenade they have been moving from shelf to shelf for 30 years isn't exactly harmless
World's most exhausted dog discovered (w/pic)
Journalist travels to Iran and discovers it's not completely full of evil exploding photoshop masterminds
Things you shouldn't play with while driving a) yourself b) cell phone c) loaded hunting rifle
On death row? History of mental problems? Gouging out your only good eye and eating it may not be such a bad idea
SWAT team surrounds house after shooting. Suspects all got away anyway, but they did manage to handcuff a 14-year-old girl
Pirates release Saud I. Tanker, who expects to sign with the Yankees later today
Want to be the Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability some day? All you need are working 'ctrl' 'c' and 'v' keys
Atlanta's MARTA system to shut down its public restrooms to save money, seeing as everyone just pees in the elevators anyway
What can brown do for you? Apparently, rescue you from an overturned car in a pond
For those of you who never had to buy ink pens, calendars, scissors, staplers, flashlights or stress balls because your doctor always supplied them for you .... not so fast
Mexican woman wins competition for having to deal with the worst government bureaucracy, having to collect seven signatures every two weeks to obtain medicine for her sick son
(WLKY)
Ugly-ass Louisville gorilla turns 50; oldest male gorilla in North America (pics)
Sure, you've been drunk before. But have you ever been "Why don't I go over to those women and show them how I stroke my latex vagina" drunk?
Southwest pilot aborts takeoff by fleeing to bathroom, changing out of uniform, and phoning in sick. Alcohol was a factor
Headline: Alzheimer's drugs doubles death risk. Apparently your risk of death is now 200%
"Welcome to service hotline. My name is Bob. You have a lovely voice. In order to serve you better, could you please tell me what you are wearing?"
Illinois House votes to impeach Gov. Blagojevich
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he'd love to meet Optimus Prime, because "he seems to be able to solve most of the problems". But would also settle for latest Marvel superhero, Barack Obama
Woman accused of embezzling $32,000 from her work says she needed the money to give to a Nigerian heiress who needed her help
If you don't want to steal a bus, you can always re-arrange the roof tiles on a local business to impress your girlfriend/UFO , with pic goodness. Bonus: Owners of business see the funny side
Chilliwack declares state of emergency after numerous houses are gone, gone, gone, they've been gone so long due to mudslides and flooding
(WNEP)
How not to rob a bank
Baby toys are a waste of money because they are just as happy playing with an old remote control, which may explain why many have so much trouble putting them down later in life
Add some new captions for these Young Republicans mourning the end of the Bush era
Paraplegic fisherman survives 15 hours floating in the sea. Friends say it's good to have Bob back
Water company: We've raised your rates, but we're not telling you how much, or what your balance is. And if you don't pay us the correct amount, we'll shut off your water
(TSP)
The word asshat is thrown around a lot these days. For example, shooting your cousin in the groin doesn't make you an asshat. Using his hearing-impairment to try and cover up the incident does
The ACLU is supporting Fred Phelp's daughter in her quest to protest at funerals
Stripper busted for not reporting the $80,000 she made in tips. In other news: strippers are making more money in tips alone than you probably make in a year
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission would prefer that you WATCH Homer Simpson, not try to IMITATE him
Road safety campaigned killed on stretch of road she warned would take someone's life (pics)
Lingerie shop sign encourages oral sex. Surprisingly, someone has a problem with this
(MetroWest Daily News)
Being a police officer means never having to say "I'm too dangerous to be allowed to carry a gun"
US jobless rate jumps to 7.2 percent, the highest since 1993, when there was no eBay or Craig's List where you could sell all your stuff to buy food after you got canned
(Some Guy)
Hamas takes break from launching rockets at Israel to broadcast some Polish porn (site may have NSFW material)
When a friend asks you to house-sit while they're out of town, that's not secret code for "please sell all of my stuff while I'm gone and keep the money for yourself"
England experiences highest ever increase in measles rate. Early reports suggest that dumbass parents not vaccinating their children might have something to do with this
(Digital Spy)
Parents outraged to discover that Britney Spears' new album 'Circus' contains explicit-sounding lyrics, apparently forgetting that every good circus has a clown car
11-year-old girls use razor-sharp knives to slice tongues from decapitated heads for pocket money. And this is why you do not mess with Norwegians
England faces chronic shortage of head teachers. Subby suggests they recruit in Florida, where a lot of that kind of thing seems to be going on
Stroke victim dies after 28 days without food, because hospital forgot to install a feeding tube
Tangerine growers accuse bees of trespassing. That stings
(Some Guy)
Edwardsville, AL (pop. 194) is looking for a government stimulus handout. 375 million dollars worth, or nearly 2 million dollars per resident
Woman fired for taking blunt knife to IRS workplace, Sikhs compensation
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this road trip pit stop
Treating a girl like a boy can fundamentally change the way her brain works for life. Also, lick some rats, they like it
(WBNS 10tv)
Disease, War, Poverty, Hate, Greed, Fark, and more crappy things will continue as normal today and, you can thank this Ohio man for not being able to take out Satan
Jets bomb 50 targets in Gaza overnight despite UN call for cease-fire. Sharks reportedly seen sharpening switchblades, practicing dance moves
From my Blackberry: NYPD eyes disrupting cell phone network in event of a ter--
Another day, another $5-a-head underage drinking party (with dad running the door) advertised on MySpace ending in arrests and damaged police vehicles
Latest victims of the credit crunch: The Yakuza
If you're looking for a place to build your meth lab, a funeral home might not be best. Especially if it's across the street from the sheriff's office
(TSP)
OMG Im txtn n drivn yl nt warin a seatbelt. I hope I dnt hit d median, cauzn my car 2 flip 6 tyms killn me instantly. LOLZ
RI boys accused of stealing car to get to school. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG
Convicted pornographer has one final request before going to prison: Please let him attend Adult Entertainment Expo in Vegas. Similar requests to Make-A-Wish Foundation yet to be answered
Canadian team completes fastest trek ever across the Antarctic on a diet of deep fried bacon, cheese and butter. Is there anything bacon can't do, eh?
(ninemsn.com.au)
♪ Hit me with your yoga stick ♬ Hit me ♬ Hit me
Every time PETA campaigns, God kills a sea kitten
(Redlands Daily Facts)
California quake hits a mere 2 miles from where "The Big One" expected to emanate, with a 1 in 19 chance of being a foreshock. Yee-haw
If you wreck your car in a high-speed chase with cops, it's probably not a good idea to carjack a SWAT team's SUV. Because if you get in another wreck, the ammo in the back might explode
Photoshop this court afloat
Wise man flees sentencing, adds six months of jail time. Wait, what?
Alaska temperatures of 60 below zero ground planes, disable cars, obscure view of Russia
(South Bend Tribune)
Not news: Man arrested. News: With mobile meth lab. Fark: On a moped
"As far as I'm concerned, this idea that you have to recover from birth in a matter of days is part of the same cultural phenomena that says the ideal woman should have the body of an elegant 14-year-old boy plus breasts"
Thu January 08, 2009
(Some Guy)
British potato chip company test-markets new line of flavors, including onion bhaji and Cajun squirrel
♫ Shoot that crossbow arrow through my heeeeaaad ♫
"Zombie Bandit" strikes again after 18 years. He was nicknamed because of the "vacant look on his face", the FBI EXPLAAAIINNNSS
(US-101)
Man almost dies drowning during $50 bet at Hooters. In other shocking news, alcohol may have been a factor
You yell at me, I scream at you. You slash my tires, I firebomb your house...that's the Memphis way
Out of ideas for a romantic gesture to show your pregnant girlfriend? Why not follow this guy's example: get drunk and steal a bus
(Some First Grader)
Six year old expelled after loaded gun falls out of his saggy pants. Plaxico Burris unavailable for comment
Bartenders discover awesome new ingredient for 21st century cocktails: Beer
U.S. strikes kill top al-Qaeda leader. This isn't a repeat from 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003 or 2002
City of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania asks for $96 billion bailout. Asinine tag would require its own bailout to cover this one, but is trying its best
Obama team seeks delay in digital TV transition for Americans who won't be ready, even though submitter's 12-year-old son is younger than the DTV conversion plan
Loch Ness is frozen over, so Brits have to point and say "cor" at 17-foot snowman
School teaches elementary school students that there's "no such thing as a free lunch"
In a real pisser, Australian health agency proposes to reduce drunkeness by removing all the taxes on light beer
After solving all of the city's other problems, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg invests $12M to make the city the "wedding destination of the world"
Man disguises 21yr old girlfriend as grandmother to make huge bank withdrawal, would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky follow-up calls
State says it was an "accident" that the intersection's yellow time was shortened 1.5 seconds just four days after signing a red light camera contract
(KGTV)
Dude calls 911, says he had too many screwdrivers and is in a dumpster. Police search for guy who was stabbed by screwdriver and dumped in trash bin. Then it gets more confusing
What do you think happens when you're black and the son of a Major League baseball player and you're coming home from a late-night run to Jack in the Box and a cop thinks you stole a car?
Woman trapped in bathtub for 4 days. "The woman's condition was not available." Submitter's not a doctor, but I'm going to guess "wrinkly"
New French parking meters automatically call the cops when the time expires, then texts you to tell you that you've got a ticket, adding "Le HA-HA"
Baskin Robbins, whose large Chocolate Oreo® Shake contains 2600 calories, including 1220 from fat, feels requirement to list this at order counter "would unfairly burden its franchisees"
EPA concerned that there might be too much drinking water in your rocket fuel
(Some Guy)
Photoshop what this young man is looking at
The economy is so bad that people are stealing flat screen TVs out of ice fishing shacks
You've been stealing natural gas for 32 years without getting caught? Wow. I'm not even mad. That's amazing
(Some Guy)
Teacher who was taught to "remove all distractions" punished a 6-year-old autistic student by making the girl take her shirt off in a classroom
Another day, another crazy person trapped under mountains of crap in her own home
(Merced Sun-Star)
Even if you're not a teacher, it's probably a bad idea to ask three 8-year-olds to shave your beard
Would-be robber threatens clerk with pepper spray, squirts himself in the face, runs off
Alabama begins voluntary program to remotely cut your AC when it is hottest. What could go wrong?
Newsday reports on new trend where you save money buying and cooking your own food instead of going to T.G.I. Fridays 7 days a week. Americans confused, ask for clarification
Apparently, one of the perks of being a Chattanooga cop is you get to rough up elderly Wal-Mart greeters who ask to check your receipts when you trigger shoplifting alarms
MSNBC declares trendy sex over
Landlord: "Nobody brings a hatchet and wears rubber gloves to discuss rent at that hour of the morning"
Reality show psychic detective announces she discovered the body of Caylee Anthony, just a little later than everyone else
Egypt to Iranian news agency: Please don't run advertisements offering a $1 million bounty for killing our president. Kthxbye
Mary Kay saleswoman leaves free sample on Florida porch
Less than 36 hours after being rescued from the water, yachtsman has to be rescued again. Perhaps "yachtsman" isn't the best title; he should consider "water enthusiast"
Mor floriduh adalts lak baysick reeding skilz than nahshewnal ahvarage
Centers for Disease Control warns 42 unnamed states of a salmonella outbreak. Everybody in 42 states panic
(Some Guy)
City's $10 million state of the art civic information line is jammed by callers asking for fashion tips and help setting up satellite radio
Squirrels now burning down the houses of British politicians
Cold war breaks out between Winnipeg and Ottawa over who has the most ice
Serial streaker claims his indecent exposure "just happens". Apparently, so does getting listed on the sex registry
Oh say can you see / in the dawn's early light / what so proudly we hail / when you're hopelessly floating / and the cellphone's faint glare / gets you spotted from the air / gave proof through the night / and we rescued you there
Buick shocks young people, builds car that doesn't smell like grandma's purse
Greyhound bus mistakenly leaves a couple of passengers at a rest stop. Usually they do a head count, but apparently it's not unusual to come up one short
Slow news day: 69 members of a family all live on the same street
After careful review, British Columbia decides that marrying a bunch of 15-year-olds is sort of weird
Man shoots pond dozens of times, vomits, then feels better
Not News: Some guy steals a chair from a restaurant. Fark: Restaurant web site openly mocks you with surveillance video
You can find anything with Google - Even child kidnappers
Woman survives falls in her driveway in freezing cold; internal temperature of 60 degrees: "I'm a good old Norwegian"
The Bank of England has cut its interest rate to its lowest point since 1694. No, that's not a typo
Sheriff locked in his own jail by federal judge for failing to meet even the basic nutritional needs of his prisoners. Probably just a coincidence that AL law lets sherriffs pocket any money they have left over in the prisoner food fund
Ric Romero rings in the New Year with a resounding facepalm: "if you owe a lot of money on your credit cards or have other outstanding bills, it pays to have a strategy when paying off your debts"
Everybody needs a flu buddy. Have you picked your flu buddy yet?
You're having a fight with your girlfriend. Do you a) yell at her, b) smack her, or c) yell at passersby to "watch this" and throw her off a bridge?
Obama to be hung on inauguration day
Burglar calls cab for ride home with the fruits of his labor: three flat-screen TVs and some boxes of liquor. Offers to pay cabbie with some of his loot because he lost his wallet. Well, not lost, left at the scene
Officer felt he had no choice but to use his taser on brain damaged woman with a hula-hoop
USA to lead new international force to combat piracy off the coast of Somalia. Because if anyone has a track record of success in Somalia, it's the USA
Chicago History Museum will display a version of the Gettysburg Address handwritten by Lincoln; the exhibit will be open four score and seven days before moving on
(Some Guy)
If you want the ring you gave your fiancee back just ask, don't try to bite her finger off
(Some Guy)
Today's "how could you not know you was pregnant?" article brought to you by Newfoundland. It's like Canada's Florida
New Yorkers paying hypnotist hundreds of dollars for a trance to feel like they're rich, ignore those pesky TPS reports
The story of the perv behind Barbie
Photoshop this tentacular scene
If you're a woman in rural Papua New Guinea, make sure you don't weigh more than a duck
Woman dies after goldmine fall. AU NOES
Minutes before the plane landed, a man jumped up, screamed "I've got a bomb" and lunged for the exit door. Passengers go all Flight 93 on his ass
If you accidentally run over a mafia boss' son, you stand a good chance of accidentally falling into a vat of acid
Three rockets fired from Lebanon have struck northern Israel, wounding two and opening the dreaded Hamas-Hezbollah-Israel Threeway War
Court orders man to continue paying child support to kids that DNA testing conclusively proved weren't his, because he started to do so on the assumption that they were
(Live Journal)
Photoshop this fabulous painting
(Some Guy)
"Anyone who has ever entered a pub only to be driven out by a group of middle-aged divorcees wailing the approximate tune of "I Will Survive" would say karaoke is one of the most infernal devices ever devised by humans"
Riots begin in Oakland. In other words, it's Wednesday night
Do not taunt Happy Fun Panda
Businessman uses store sign to call mayor "lieing little Nazi turd" among other things. Surprisingly, City Hall has a problem with this
Celebrity gossip is the opiate of the masses and the junkies are on the market for a new pusher
Happy-lyric techno CDs for dogs becomes latest craze in pet care. Your dog wants a glow stick
The officer who shot an unarmed man in the back on New Years Day has resigned... which means he won't face an internal affairs investigation
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 192: "Money Shots". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed January 07, 2009
Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can record a fight and post it on YouTube
Laundromat robber says "That was farking stupid. I'm out here banging on a freaking damn washer for a felony. Damn"
(Copenhagen Post)
Headmaster of a school in Denmark publicly admits he would refuse Jewish parents' wish to place their child at his school
A wind turbine stands wrecked with one of its giant 65ft blades torn off - after it was hit by UFO
A projection of how gray Obama's hair may be in 2013. It's not news, it's CNN
(Some Guy)
Man "arrested on suspicion of using a laser pointer on a deputy"
(Some Guy)
Local laundromat finalist in America's Most Progressive Coin Laundry contest. In other news, there's an America's Most Progressive Coin Laundry contest
New study finds that Canadians think French, but act American
Do not park in front of this guy's house unless, of course, you're into chainsaws
Henry Rollins is in love with Ann Coulter
Please help farker Eeek win the Jacksonville Looks at Animals photo contest. Please vote, DIT
Photoshop this protected pair
Third-World elementary school pleads for toilet paper, light bulb donations to stay open. Send contributions to Academy of Americas, Detroit, MI
Phase 1) Donate kidney to wife. Phase 2) Catch wife cheating on you. Phase 3) Profit?
The surviving former presidents met with Bush and Obama today. Caption this photo op
Photographer's job on the line after "unVailing" skiier
US Army apologises for mistakenly sending 7,000 "Dear John" letters
If you're planning a school sports day to forge new links between deaf and hearing pupils, step one would surely include not relying solely on a PA system to run the events
♫ ♪ I said do you speak-a my language? He just smiled, and made me a vegemite sandwich, and then a man from the government told him that he wasn't allowed to do that any more because it has too much salt in it ♫ ♪
Man demands car keys, bites woman on elbow to prove how serious he is
Mexico launches War on Gum. Sounds silly until you realize the average square yard of sidewalk in Mexico City has 70 discarded pieces of gum stuck to it
Colombian coffee growers to sue Mother Goose over "there's a little bit of Juan Valdez in every can" cartoon
(Some Guy)
Not news: Woman caught shoplifting. News: While shopping with her two young children. Fark: She stole the book "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom"
(Some Guy)
Student creates beer flavored popcorn
Utah senate president thinks "children shouldn't be allowed to see liquor bottles or drinks being poured," files for Nanny State status
(WAVY)
School orders 8th-grader to shave his head because stars are apparently "gang symbols." Paul Stanley surrenders
Edward Scissorpaws beats out Sir Lix-a-lot and Optimus Prrrime for weirdest cat name for 2008. It's not mews, it's Fark.com
(MetroWest Daily News)
Man forced to resign after woman accuses him of sexually harassing her by looking at porn after going home from work
Book links the assassination of JFK, RFK, and MLK. Profiles a single shooter with a hatred of last names that start with K
(Haaretz)
French TV: uh, we made a "mistake". Those photos of dead Gaza citizens we showed you, yeah well those actually were killed by Hamas in 2005, and not by the Israeli Air Force last week
How much would 300,000 pennies weigh? 1842 pounds. OK, how would you steal them?
(Some Guy)
Man dances naked in front of police with "strategically placed" sock. Surprisingly, alcohol was a factor
(Some Guy)
Sixth grader, home alone with sister, stops series of burglaries. Macaulay Culkin impressed
Best-selling "Conversations With God" author has blog yanked after site discovers he's been stealing his heartwarming anecdotes
Not News: Man buy scratch and win lotto tickets. News; Man wins $135,000 Fark: "Not so fast, there was a printing error we're not paying" Lottery Corporation
Horse faced git is upset that someone on the internet keeps calling her a horse faced git
(Belleville News-Democrat)
Man gets tipsy before boarding plane in St. Louis, jokingly says nine magic words to flight attendant that land him in solitary confinement for over three days
Milwaukee investigators find no connection with any missing child cases despite a deathbed confession, newly poured cement in the basement, elevated dirt piles in the yard, bondage devices, child porn and news articles about missing children
Nanny State turns single father with two kids away from swimming pool because he doesn't have a nanny
Five ways the world could end, not including global warming. EVERYBODY PANIC
Slow news day: brilliant new method to save both calories AND money. Hint: starve
Art gallery puts on show for abstract paintings, only later discovering that artist is 22 months old
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this enormous floating platform with spheres
Chicago Public Schools manager spends $70,000 of district's money for 30 cappuccino machines. When I was a kid, we had to walk 5 miles uphill to get to school, and we didn't get delicious Italian beverages
Quebecois Black community: "Nous désapprouvons votre shennanigans"
If you're a funeral home, it's bad enough that you bury the wrong guy, but you're not going to make things better by trying to dig him up in secret and rebury the right coffin
Woman finds 139 year old baseball card, along with gum hard enough to cut a diamond
A story about a home filled with stinking trash? Check. An eccentric hoarder? Check. Dying from thirst after getting lost in a labyrinth of filthy garbage. Check
Men dress as Hasidic Jews to rob diamond wholesaler. That would make a pretty good movie scene
Nanny state wins another battle. Now bouncy castles are banned
The coolest model of a Lancaster bomber made out of POW camp scraps you'll see, well, probably ever
(Some Guy)
Naked mixed-martial arts fighter wanting to practice his sport with strangers in a Wal-Mart parking lot knew he could find somebody if he were nude
Casualty figures from the Boston 2009 ice storm: tons of bruises, a few sprains, one concussion, and a broken ass
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)
When out at a nightclub, there's only one thing dumber than pissing off the bouncer
Group of Australian students can now add "research good enough to scam millions from NASA" to their resumes
State to update slogan from 'Don't Mess with Texas' to 'We Warned You' as homeowners gun down would-be burglars at record rate
It's time for some more Fark™ sartorial advice; "Don't show up for court wearing a tshirt emblazoned with instructions on avoiding the police"
Teen birth rates are up in 26 states. The other 24 are putting in overtime, still counting
Problem: Britain's red squirrels are dying off. Solution: Eat the grey squirrels, thereby reducing the competition
Ever look at a can of hair spray and think to yourself, "I wonder if that will fit in my ass"? If so, then you and this lady will get along just fine
Man sues his former wife for putting a recording device in a teddy bear. Teddy Ruxpin unavailable for comment
Israel eases up, says it will only bomb the crap out of Gaza for 21 hours a day
Barbie turns 50, finally accepts she will die childless and alone
If you've been breaking into sex shops in Cairns to have sex with their blow up dolls, the police would really like a word with you
Man gets "alternative" punishment for throwing live chickens. Maybe he should have paid a poultry sum
(Some Guy)
Ireland's champion bog-snorkeller complains her good name has been tarnished in a mud-wrestling TV comedy sketch faturing kissing, mud-wrestling lesbians. "It's embarrassing, it has made me a source of ridicule"
