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Sun July 13, 2008
(Guardian.com) Ironic Actual Headline: "Heavy rains complicate Calif. firefighting efforts" (49)
(News24) Amusing Just hope that if you fight off a shark you get a better headline than "Man pokes shark in eye" (44)
(STLToday) News Here's to you Mr. Foreign Investor dude (205)
(News.com.au) Scary Drunken man falls into Siberian brown bear pit while trying to take pictures. Bears have Jello-stone shot pic-a-nic (63)
(Some guy with a gun) Photoshop Photoshop this Dick Tracy wannabee (53)
(International Herald Tribune) Obvious US may begin to withdraw troops from Iraq in September. It's like there's some event scheduled in the Fall that could hinge on this (135)
(Fox News) Cool Rule 1 of Pizza Man Fight Club; don't fark with the Pizza man. (with KO pic goodness and link to video of the fight) (106)
(News.com.au) Obvious Iran announces discovery of new billion-barrel oil field on their territory. It's almost as if they're *asking* to be invaded (205)
(Daily Mail) Amusing 1,000 pound bull is cockblocked by farmer, decides on cold dip in brand-new swimming pool instead (w/pics) (62)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Bad: Stealing gas from a parked car. Stupid: It was a unmarked police car. At least they gave the cop a ride afterwards (17)
(Stuff) Strange In the new opera for the deaf, it ain't over until the fat lady gesticulates wildly (40)
(WWL) Dumbass Drunk man, believing someone is chasing him, crashes car into fence, runs into stranger's house at 2AM, begins yanking down curtains. Then, things get weird (30)
(ABC News) Followup Search for adventurer Fossett resumes in Nevada, presumably because the light is better over there (51)
(CBS Philadelphia) Sad Two swimmers dead, Juan Moore missing (210)
(Contact Music) Strange Newly discovered John Lennon interview reveal The Beatles as a Christian band: "I'm one of Christ's biggest fans. And if I can turn the focus on the Beatles on to Christ's message, then that's what we're here to do" (274)
(News24) Strange Shark's awesome vacation ruined by stupid humans (78)
(TBO) Florida Drug bust goes bad at a Florida McDonald's because of a forgotten milkshake (132)
(Houston Chronicle) Interesting Texas leads nation in abstinence education funding, hand lotion sales (145)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop those futuristic moon... things (75)
(CNN) Spiffy USA: President asks Congress to pass a bill for him to sign in order to authorize the Treasury Department to mail people $600 checks. Iraq: Prime Minister roams the streets handing out cold hard cash (88)
(Lansing State Journal) Dumbass Today's "Teenagers wreck six city pickup trucks, cause $50,000 in damages" brought to you by Lansing, Michigan (74)
(Denver Post) Obvious Judge rules in favor of withholding ultra-high security prison inmate's soft-core porn mail since 1996. Prisoner argues his First Amendment and due-process rights are being violated worse than his 1995 Victoria's Secret catalog (88)
(Seattle Times) Followup Add mudslides to the list of things caused by government de-regulation (74)
(MSN) Interesting PBS to debate showing nude scene in upcoming show "Dumbledore Gone Wild" (99)
(Telegraph) Interesting Sales booming of new real estate map in England: one that shows the 21,000 locations where unexploded German bombs are likely to be (46)
(Some Guy) Strange Competitive Eating combined with Bicycle Racing? Welcome to the Tour de Donut (39)
(HolyJuan) Obvious What should you do when you run into your future self who has traveled back in time to warn you about some impending doom?? (202)
(News Of The World) Hero Batman & Robin jailed in Ibiza for violence (74)
(AP) Scary WWII bomb forces thousands to evacuate in Japan, pants (74)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Salman Rushdie has survived the fatwa against him and continues to bone his way through the world's top models and starlets (178)
(Seacoastonline.com) Strange Thieves stole hundreds of feet of fence from a historic cemetery. If there was only something to put up around the fence to keep them from reaching it (51)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this grinder (32)
(LA Times) Sad Police break up the annual mooning of the trains in Laguna Niguel, CA after some of the 8,000 participants show a little more than their moon. M-O-O-N, that spells Amtrak (safe, no pics) (51)
(WLBZ2.com) Amusing The east coast cows are hip, I really dig those bells they wear, and the southern cows with the way they moo, knock me out when I'm down there, but I wish they all could be California cows (53)
(News.com.au) Obvious Nanny State teachers urged to give precious snowflakes safety messages after reading fairytales, warning not to copy characters (82)
(NYPost) Interesting A man and his pregnant fiancée are demanding $10 million from the Bronx Zoo after being stuck on a cable car for five hours above fang-baring, flesh-eating baboons (105)
(RumorsDaily) Spiffy It's a slow night, so here are pictures of famous people wearing top hats (68)
(Time) Spiffy America is finally number one at something again... and it's... I forgot (113)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Britain planning Lady Margaret Thatcher's funeral. FARK: She's not dead yet, Jim (127)
(CNN) Dumbass Dealing with jerks in the gym, including "26 minutes of excessive locker room nudity" (237)
(Some Guy) Asinine Driving around a roadblock to try and put out your burning house? That's a taserin' (111)
(BBC) Obvious The BBC has found the first evidence that China is currently helping Sudan's government militarily in Darfur (153)
(MSNBC) Asinine Pakistan declares NIMBY in the hunt for bin Laden (327)

Sat July 12, 2008
(Abc.net.au) Asinine School officials conduct a strip search of 13-year-old girl... for suspicion of ibuprofen. Fark: the appeals court was actually divided on the matter (252)
(some guy) Dumbass Man finds rattlesnake. Decides to keep it as a pet. You win the prize if you guess what happens next (81)
(ABC News) Obvious This just in: Products sold on infomercials don't always work as well as promised (199)
(Some Sappy Chick) Sappy Couple who never spent a day apart die within hours of each other. True love does exist. Sappy trumps sad tag (195)
(Telegraph) Spiffy The small town of Arcata, California has just two traditional pharmacies, but four officially approved medical cannabis sales outlets (104)
(Some Tired Feet) Dumbass You rob a golf course and are actively being chased by police. Do you: C) call a cab for a ride home? (23)
(YouTube) Video Broadcasting 101: Keep the masturbating kangaroo in the background out of camera range when shooting a news report (120)
(Tulsa World) Stupid Today's "Drunk Woman Slips Out of Handcuffs and Steals the Police Car" story is out of Tulsa, Oklahoma. With "I colored my hair and painted my face out of the same bottle" mugshot goodness (70)
(WCBS 880) Photoshop Photoshop Sean Connery (90)
(Reuters) Scary Meet Cynthia McKinney, your Green Party nominee for President of the United States. Yes, that Cynthia McKinney (411)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida Man steals drill from Home Depot, then threatens customers in store before taking his act next door to a gas station. With totally useless, out of focus picture of something (29)
(Globe and Mail) Interesting Son of the Shah argues against military intervention in Iran, says the West needs to encourage the Iranian people to rise up against their own government (328)
(Time) Interesting "The horribleness of commenters isn't really a mystery: Internet anonymity is disinhibiting, and people are basically mean anyway" (331)
(The Newspaper) Scary Soon cameras will be checking out your car's wheels and mailing you a ticket if it doesn't like them. Sadly, we're not talking about spinners here (125)
(Journal Times) Interesting Why is the snooze button set for nine minutes? Let us take you back to 1956, when the first........ zzzzzzzzzz (96)
(Hartford Courant) Weird Man finds master key to apartment complex, makes beeline for laundry room panty stash. Then it gets weird (43)
(Washington Post) Dumbass Writer for Buick Dealers writes editorial on How the Hummer will Save America and The Joys of Gas Guzzling (135)
(The Virginian Pilot) Dumbass Hypermilers are the new douchebags (266)
(BBC) Obvious PETA pleads for people to stop "tormenting" buffalo, presumably by running up to it and screaming "WIIIIIIIDDE RIIIIGHT" (92)
(Journal Times) Dumbass Illinois woman pulled over for 13th D.U.I. "When the officer returned to the car, Oliva was eating a salad from a bowl without utensils, placing her face in the bowl" (66)
(LA Times) Followup The new warrantless wiretapping law is even worse than originally thought (380)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this flying pup (38)
(Miami Herald) Florida Miami police chief test drives an SUV. Naturally some people have a problem with this (34)
(MSNBC) Asinine North Korea demands apology from South Korea because they were forced to shoot a S. Korean tourist. Wait? What? (85)
(BBC) Followup Iran will photoshop the destruction of Jerusalem and 32 U.S. military bases if it is attacked (364)
(The Sun) Asinine Not news: Meter maid writes parking ticket. Fark.com: While owner is slumped over at the wheel, unconscious after suffering a fainting spell. The Sun is there (53)
(Reuters) Interesting Italy rebuked for making man retake driving test after authorities determined he was homosexual, order driving examiners not to make jokes when he touches the stick shift next time either (60)
(The Maine Edge.com) Strange Ever wonder who would win in a fight between Dungeons and Dragons players and World of Warcraft players? How about Muhammad Ali vs Bruce Lee? Me neither, but some guy wrote a book that will tell you (253)
(The Local (Germany)) Sappy Janosch the cat gets shipped 430 miles across Germany in cardboard box, will return home just in time for Catürday (Note: Unrelated naked man ass photo on page) (510)
(CNN) Scary Delta came close to grounding two planes today. How close? About 300 feet (70)
(Fox News) Sad Former Bush press secretary Tony Snow dead of cancer at age 53 (1563)
(Sky and Telescope) Interesting Great Red Spot to Little Red Spot: OM NOM NOM NOM (65)
(Yahoo) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Advertising and product placement in the animal kingdom (53)
(Some Guy) Strange Braces save teenager's life and probably his virginity (56)
(Some Guy) Obvious Always make sure the people you're watching Ultimate Fighting Championship bouts with don't have anger issues (59)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass Pastor among suspects in illegal snake bust. "You can purchase anything off the Internet except common sense" (37)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Instead of a VW Bug or a phone booth, fifteen college kids cram into a dorm elevator with obvious gravitational results (62)
(Seacoastonline.com) Dumbass Maine driver stopped by cops for driving while under the influence of The Gilmore Girls (37)
(Some Guy) Dumbass You're the sheriff of a small town, dining at a local restaurant. A kid is having a fit. Do you A) Ignore him B) Go over and hand him a toy sheriff's badge or 3) Order mother to vacate the premises immediately (179)
(AP) Sad Benihana founder Rocky Aoki dead at 69 from freak steak knife wound. Just kidding, it was cancer (58)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Restaurant bans regular patron who has Huntington's, explaining that watching her try to eat was making other customers lose their appetite. Then are amazed that some people would take offense at that, too (pic) (150)
(AZCentral) Amusing Some people are getting their magic, full-body underwear in knots over a shirtless Mormon missionaries calendar (73)
(CTV) Ironic Junk collector finds 1930s depression era bills worth $50 million (88)
(Telegraph) Strange Things are always going to be weird during the holidays when your mom's a Christian and your dad's a Satanist and they both want you to observe their religion (108)
(Victorville Daily Press) Stupid Pulling over one of your fellow sheriff's deputies for DWI? That's a firing (109)

Fri July 11, 2008
(My Fox NY) Asinine Here's something that can't possibly get us fired: let's dress up students in KKK robes (55)
(Sign On San Diego) Sappy Five-pack of ugly-ass hedgehogs born at San Diego Zoo. Croquet tournament at flamingo lagoon scheduled for the fall (w/pic) (36)
(Some Guy) Sad Nanny Staters live in fear of attack by vicious seagulls and are advised by government never to leave their houses without a pointy stick. "The other day I had to cut the grass while holding a stick aloft which was far from easy" (pic) (98)
(London Times) Obvious Media finally gets around to asking the questions that matter: "Why do so many of us like kinky sex?" (224)
(CBS 4 Denver) Hero Man sets record with his 50th gallon of blood donated. When reached for comment, the man said, "abbel gwabee, blennn" (116)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Dumbass He wants to ride his bicycle. He wants to ride his bike. He wants to weave in and out of traffic and get popped for DUI. (with serious mugshot goodness) (85)
(Wall Street Journal) Sad Congratulations to IndyMac Bancorp for making the FDIC "Failed Bank" list (273)
(Labspaces.net) Obvious Ground breaking research shows that the college environment is conducive to binge drinking (34)
(Some Guy) Cool Talk about sacri-licious, Jesus found in a bucket of ice cream. Mmmmm... creamy Jesus(pic) (131)
(Daily Mail) Cool Female soldier dubbed "Combat Barbie" for her bravery in fighting Iraqi insurgents to compete for title of Miss England 2008. God help whoever defeats her (pic) (203)
(The New York Times) Dumbass If you order a group of youths to demolish a crack house with sledgehammers, you better make sure it really is a crack house. Especially when you're the mayor (57)
(Boston Globe) Asinine So the " Great White Shark" spotted off the beach of Martha's Vineyard? Yeah...another hoax (54)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's roundup includes the hittable and the already hit (263)
(Dr. Emmett Brown) Scary Car hit by lightning doesn't make it back to the future (48)
(ABC Action News) Florida Attorney to Linda Hogan: "You're a dumbass" (89)
(Celebridiot) Strange As if ballroom dancing wasn't gay enough Lance Bass will have a male partner on Dancing with the Stars (169)
(Dallas News) Sad Secret door operated by magnets leads police to an underground, hydroponic forest of delight (98)
(LoHud) Dumbass Yelling and cursing at the desk officer is not the best way to go about bailing your friends out of jail (10)
(Nola.com) Followup New Orleans Police Dept. shirt scandal ironed out (33)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Hero In a few days, 44 year-old Francisco Martinez will land in Iraq, he will be carrying a rifle, night-vision goggles, a 100lbs of gear and the memory of his son who never returned (314)
(The Orange County Register) Sappy Guy with cerebral palsy gets his parrot back with the help of Craigslist just two days after the parrot went missing (53)
(wsoctv.com) Obvious Train continues its undefeated streak in the long running grudge match: train vs. truck (46)
(Talking Points Memo) Dumbass GOP candidate: two weeks ago when I said China was drilling for oil on Florida's beaches I was wrong, but that was two weeks ago and who knows what has happened since (56)
(AP) Followup California to deploy its national guard to help fight the wildfires; just a soon as they can find hoses that stretch all the way to Iraq (58)
(CBC) Stupid Picking up strip club waitresses and other party girls after the bars have closed, taking them to your exclusive lounge which has liquor-dispensing vending machines? The Edmonton Police just call that "Talent Night" (37)
(KVOA) Scary I'm a maaaaaaniac, maaaaaaaniac in a store/ And I'm stabbing like I've never stabbed before (84)
(Some Guy) Weird Ingredients: Family in RV, undercooked food, a "You Suck" message left in ketchup, brawls, kitchen knives, small town police and four men in black hats. Results: The perfect Fark soufflé (32)
(ABC News) Amusing NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg enjoying the beautiful mountains and weather out in "Salt Lake City, Idaho." (75)
(UPI) Interesting Iraqi Defense Ministry reports Israeli war planes are using Iraqi airspace and U.S. airbases in Iraq to prepare for a possible strike on Iran. Now c'mon, nobody likes a tattletaliban (263)
(Orlando Sentinel) Asinine Betting women on card tricks and then forcefully making them pay up by spanking them with a belt is just wrong, especially when you are a police sergeant (w/ mugshot) (67)
(Dallas News) Amusing Left your PIN at home? No problem, just take the ATM with you (52)
(East Valley Tribune) Dumbass Realizing that all of those pesky stop signs are making us waste gas, man takes matters into his own hands. You know what comes next (50)
(Some beer snob) Florida Look, in these hard times you may be forced to steal beer, but have some self respect (62)
(Some Fat Kid) Amusing "Dothan City Police Department scored a win in the War on Obesity Friday when the bomb squad detonated a suspicious package that turned out to be full of snacks" (52)
(Seacoastonline.com) Misc Man relives scene from GTA as he vaults off the top of a parking garage after he crashed his motorcycle into a low wall. WASTED (54)
(CNN) Dumbass Blogger saves gas by taking the bus instead of driving so his kids can go to a well-regarded school instead of a shaky school; because "the State of Georgia always finishes in the Top 50 among State Educational Quality". Wait, What? (54)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Help, I've fallen and I can't get up to stab my wife (45)
(Telegraph) Stupid Woman hires hitman on the internet to kill boyfriend after he asks for some kinky sex. Then it gets weird (86)
(The Local (Germany)) Hero Germany to bar owners: "You can't let your patrons smoke." Bar owners to Germany: "Where do you see a bar? We're a smoking club." (387)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this kid getting ready to abuse a seahorse (46)
(channel 3000) Dumbass Man robs gas station with toy guy, strips off clothes, stuffs money in underwear, and makes his slow getaway on a bicycle. The Aristocrats (70)
(WKRC) Dumbass Cincinnati man arrested for trying to set a woman & her van on fire because she fell asleep during sex. His name is Mr. Smallwood, but that's probably just a coincidence (78)
(International Herald Tribune) Amusing France denies woman citizenship because she is too submissive. Well, it's not like she's going to argue that point (159)
(KNBC) Dumbass When you are the suspect in a yaght-theft-muder investigation do you A) confess B) deny it or C) attempt to cut off your own penis? (122)
(Some Guy) Asinine PolicE admiNister hot sedative Injection to unruly suSpects (98)
(Mercury News) Sad After running out of places to tag, taggers start spray painting little kids (118)
(Some Guy) Interesting Apparently rice farmers have a lot of free time, and a lot of vision (95)
(wtol) Dumbass Accusing your husband of hand cuffing you in a dog cage and shooting you may help your fight for child custody, if it actually happened (72)
(CBS News) Silly The EPA's Department Of Pulling Meaningless Figures Out Of Its Ass says an American life is worth $900,000 less than it was five years ago (61)
(Seattle Times) Followup At least two of the five feet that washed up in British Columbia are from the same person (72)
(Wall Street Journal) Interesting Think pimpin' is easy? Try being an Orthodox Jewish matchmaker (135)
(Reuters) Weird Man goes to doctors complaining of sharp stomach pains. Doctors tell him problem may be related to the 17 metal objects he ate, including screws, watch clasps, nails, the knife, or the barbed wire (38)
(TBO) Florida Hottie teacher Debra Lafave will no longer have to wear that clunky ankle bracelet on her next date with a teenage boy (196)
(ABC News) Obvious Best way to piss off your fellow employees? By sending them emails. Marked 'Urgent.' In red, 40-point type. Pointing out that the office fridge needs cleaning out (249)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Strange If you're hanging out behind the "Extreme Car Wash" don't be surprised when a naked hispanic man rips your pants off and runs away (45)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida Disney suing Florida couple because they dress up in Tigger and Eeyore costumes (138)
(AP) Weird LA street gangs may be taking over Catalina Island. Just look for the golf carts with 22" chrome spinners (75)
(Fox News) Ironic Island where "Jaws" was filmed has beaches closed due to shark sighting. Where is Roy Schieder when you need him? (121)
(The Smoking Gun) Sad I have a dream -- that one day my children will fight like kindergartners over my estate (117)
(Telegraph) Dumbass Groundskeeper accidentally destroys golf course by spraying it with industrial strength weed killer instead of water. Awkward (106)
(Fond du Lac Reporter) Cool Click on this interactive U.S. map to see where your state ranks in binge drinking, underage drinking, and gallons of alcohol sold per capita (239)
(Telegraph) Silly Staying in rainy Britain for the summer rocks because fewer Brits are around. "Most rational folk would pay to get away from them. Except, we don't need to - because they are paying to get away from us" (22)
(WHAS) Scary Want to drink here? Sure, we'll just need to know everything about you. Don't worry, we'll just take your info without you noticing (103)
(Steve Jobs) Sad New iPhone comes with new iCant activate feature (377)
(My Fox DC) Stupid Boy hurt after putting paper clip in electrical socket. Darwin shrugs. Bonus: happened at Academic Enrichment Camp (74)
(Some Guy) Interesting Baby boomer galaxy found. Will soon suck up all civil services, complain that today's generation of galaxies is worthless (31)
(News.com.au) Amusing Beware Greeks bearing gifts, especially lead tablets that say "May your penis hurt when you make love". Sore penis (25)
(MSNBC) Amusing Dog meat off the menu at Olympics (172)
(Metro) Strange Woman finds lorry driver living in her shed, fails to appreciate all the work he put in tidying up her garden (50)
(London Times) Interesting Shakespeare's first folio, valued at $30 million and stolen 10 years ago, recovered in Washington, DC. Suspect under arrest described by police as "saucy elf-skinned carrion; the rank crook-pated scut" (97)
(Telegraph) Amusing A pair of Queen Victoria's knickers up for sale: 50-inch waist, with a split crotch. We are not aroused (100)
(Nola.com) Obvious Two Fark-mentions within a year worthy of a recall effort (59)
(Some VA Guy) Scary Central Virginia woman goes to get her car serviced, ends up in Tennessee. Family says they'll get her a GPS in case she gets confused again. Yeah, like THAT will help (112)
(Daily Mail) Strange Ever seen a grown squirrel naked, Joey? (pics) (124)
(Sun Sentinel) Obvious Guy sleeps on his mom's couch, is a college drop-out, works part-time at Boston Market-- Of course, he's a professional video gamer (347)
(Metro) Dumbass DIY not-news: woman drills hole in vase to make a lamp. Fark.com: a formerly £250,000 vase [w/pic] (89)
(Bangor Daily News) Obvious Those plastic and rubber playgrounds? Yeah, they're quite flammable (136)
(Reuters) Sappy Indian couple marries by telephone when husband on assignment in Kuwait. Husband refuses to believe wife's name really "Julie" (51)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Michigan man wants to sue the publishers of the bible because it says homosexuality is a sin, causing him the usual litany of overly litigious plaintiff whine (342)
(Buffalo News) Scary Old and Busted: Female teachers sexing up students. New Hotness: Female teachers getting in suicide pacts with students (w/ pic) (166)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these hazmat guys (49)
(MDN) Strange "Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says..." (266)
(Metro) Strange Guy does in-depth research into British sexuality, discovers 'every swinging club was obsessed with sandwiches and finger food' (85)
(Reuters) Hero Drunk man infiltrates team of firefighters and battles apartment blaze. Functional Alcoholic Man, we salute you (87)
(BBC) Amusing You are a pole dancer who wants to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society. Do you: c) Attempt to strip in front of the Chilean presidential palace? (34)
(LA Times) Asinine News: Moran runs red light, hits other car. Not news: Moran was drunk. FARK: That's Deputy Moran, serving & protecting (51)
(SP) Amusing And you thought it was awkward when your kids just walk in on you having sex (220)
(My Fox DC) Asinine Caught on tape: 'Rookie' firefighter lights Roman Candle in his butt. (GREAT video) (102)
(St. Petersburg Times) Amusing "There are two watershed moments in a woman's life: when they stop carding you at bars and when the envelope arrives from AARP" (60)
(News.com.au) Asinine A new theme park hopes to lure tourists into a "Cage of Death" for a close encounter with a crocodile. What could possibly go...CRIKEY (32)
(London Times) Obvious 75-year old stripper to perform at this year's Edinburgh Festival. Organizers fear ticket sales will be flat, profits droop (w/3-pic slideshow) (40)
(BBC) Obvious Man arrested for stealing 129 rabbits. Presumably he was identified by DNA evidence - police say he left a hare behind (46)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this animated figure (58)
(CBC) Dumbass "It was one of the stupidest things I've done in my life but it's no reason to take my kids," the white nationalist mother said about drawing swastikas on her daughter's arm before sending her to school....twice (822)

Thu July 10, 2008
(Canada.com) Dumbass "Investigators received a call on Sunday that a man was heading downtown drinking a beer and driving his lawn mower on the sidewalk" (43)
(Metro) Interesting Credit crunch resulting in more married men than ever dumping their mistresses to save money (144)
(First Coast News) Florida Bad: you are the victim of a home invasion robbery, Good: thieves faces caught on security tape, which you turn over to police, Bad: security tape stolen from police, FARK: security tape theft caught on security tape (54)
(The Consumerist) Stupid Not News: Verizon customer doesn't pay a bill. News: Verizon hires debt collector to go after the customer. Customer still doesn't respond. Fark: Because he's a dog (94)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man arrested for naked Barbie doll display (w/ mugshoot goodness) (194)
(Telegraph) Amusing World of professional Santas plunges into civil war; rival factions include the Red Suit Society, Amalgamated Order of Real-Bearded Santas and Amalgamated Santas (farking splitters) (71)
(AJC) Amusing How not to call in sick. Cough (219)
(Local6) Florida Man claims God lets him cure cancer during tent revivals. Still no cure for hundreds of thousands who believe he can (128)
(The News & Observer (NC)) Dumbass Former diplomat: Cultural differences make it OK to bang 14-year-olds in Brazil. And you're only picking on me because I'm a nudist (190)
(Reuters) Asinine Americans cut back gasoline consumption, only to face whining from Highway Trust Fund, whose budget is shrinking (122)
(Mojo In The Morning .com) Audio A-Rod's Detroit "Stripper Friend" audio. We all wish we had stripper friends (72)
(Telegraph) Asinine Austrian man who locked his daughter in dungeon for 24 years asks to be let out of his prison cell, explaining that he can't stand being cooped up (148)
(Oregon Live) Asinine Drunk bicyclist runs light, clubs driver who yelled at him with his bike. Bonus: Other cyclists ganged up on the driver after he was attacked (372)
(Kansas City) Sad Helicopter parents freaking out when their kids go to summer camp, stalk their kids on camp websites for comfort (106)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop Johnny Damon and the balancing baseball (57)
(PhysOrg.com) Interesting "For every 10 percent rise in gas prices, [traffic] fatalities are reduced by 2.3 percent" (114)
(700 WLW) Scary The high price of gas has driven people from 'road rage' to 'desk rage' (74)
(BBC) Stupid Want to take your disabled son to school? Not so fast lady, the police would like a word first (71)
(CNN) Obvious Oil prices increase over $5 per barrel on fears of Iran's mad Photoshop skills (100)
(Miami Herald) Strange Brazilian obstetricians doing their part to ensure that women have at least one stripe down there (149)
(AP) Cool That's great, General Petraeus, you want a gold star or something? (105)
(AFP) Amusing London restaurant serves world's hottest curry, made from 855k Scoville peppers. Toilets nearby cringe in fear (145)
(CNN) Obvious To the surprise of absolutely everyone, Wal-Mart is named the largest company in the world. And no, this is not a repeat from the last couple of years either (94)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Copies of dirty e-mails sent by Texas professor who described sexual fantasies involving female students and teenage girls. Bonus: He liked to buy used 99-cent lingerie at the Goodwill store (249)
(My San Antonio) Dumbass "Let me find out weaknesses, flatter her, and then dig out info to use to my advantage later," one teacher wrote in an e-mail to another teacher. "I make no predictions other than I will get together with her" (81)
(The Sun) Amusing World's most annoying blackbird mimes ambulance sirens and ringtones starting at 5 a.m. every day. The Sun is there with an annoying video (89)
(NYPost) Dumbass The reward for throwing away a winning lottery ticket? $65 million. You better believe that he was thanking God (115)
(My Fox Dallas) Stupid Commissioner who claimed "black hole" was a racist term, now says "angel food cake" and "devil's food cake" are also racist terms. On next week's show: Names of gardening tools that are racist (509)
(The Tennessean) Obvious Man is so consumed by the spirit of God, that he falls and cracks his head. Since this is America, you can guess what happens next (93)
(Some Guy) Florida Man partying on a fast-moving charter bus gets sucked out onto the highway when the doors accidentally open. "They were pretty upset, I'm not going to lie to you" (46)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) Sappy Ugly-ass baby elephant born in the Pittsburgh Zoo (with revolting pic) (57)
(Some Guy) Strange Tomorrow, all Chick-fil-A chain restaurants will give a free meal to anybody who shows up at a store dressed as a cow (138)
(Houston Chronicle) Unlikely The Texas Attorney General approves of a Bible study class in public schools. "It's like sex ed. ... You leave it up to local communities" (351)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Al Qaeda's leader in Europe lives in a $1.6 million house and gets $100,000 a year courtesy of the British taxpayers, and he's mightly happy about it as he buys some TP and Diet Coke (pics) (157)
(Yahoo) Obvious Women feel "flattered" by one-night stands, while men "lower their standards" to pursue them (634)
(News.com.au) Interesting Indonesian grandmother, famous for miracle penis growth powers, dies aged 101 or 130. If only there was some single word to end this headline (75)
(AP) Amusing That tornado is 'shopped, I can tell by looking at the pixels and having seen quite a few tornados in my time (138)
(AP) Amusing What is causing huge bubbles at a dairy's manure lagoon? Manure lagoon? (104)
(WBBM) Dumbass Family grieves by throwing rocks, urinating in public, acting up. Imagine when they are in a party mood (62)
(Telegraph) Obvious President George Bush: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter" *fist pump* (528)
(CNN) Amusing CNN posts a list of ways to NOT get a second date. Subby hasn't been having any trouble with that (215)
(NYPost) Obvious Matthew McConaughey sells baby pics for $3 million, still refuses to spend money on shirts (75)
(MSNBC) Florida There have GOT to be better ways to score a free car wash (39)
(CBS Boston) Scary Note to self: Remove nose ring before next lightning storm (86)
(AP) Strange News: Police find $400,000 worth of cocaine. Fark: in their own vehicle (51)
(11 Alive) Interesting Mysterious cat breed captured in midtown Atlanta. Wrath of Ceiling Cat expected to level Atlanta before the week is out (170)
(International Herald Tribune) Amusing French first lady tells paper she has a beer belly, not a baby (57)
(Politico) Cool Old and Busted: Smuggling coke on a boat. New Hotness: Cokemarine (80)
(AP) Obvious House passes bill that would help prevent White House from deleting e-mails. White House responds with veto threat, noting that it is none of Congress' business who they are ordering their v1a6ra from (105)
(The New York Times) Followup Iranian missile photo 'shopped to cover botched test fire (311)
(Some Guy) Scary US Consulate in Turkey attacked; feathers everywhere (75)
(Telegram) Photoshop Photoshop this shape-shifting alien (69)
(Washington Post) Dumbass The baby boomers have spoken, and they have said "waaaaaaaaahhhh" (261)
(RealClearPolitics) Amusing George Will finally asks the question on everyone's mind: Beer, is there anything it can't do? (61)
(ClusterStock) Dumbass Some grant-seeking professor guy pulls another number out of his ass, predicts oil will go to $500 (79)
(USA Today) Stupid USA Today has identified the 6 types of morans who will decide the upcoming election. Well, it doesn't exactly *call* them morans, but yeah (85)
(Metro) Dumbass If you're a mafia killer hiding from the law, you probably shouldn't play a mafia killer in a feature film (32)
(WTOP) Interesting As part of their series entitled "You can die at any moment", radio stations posts "Tips to stay safe from lightning strikes" (46)
(USA Today) Hero Police deaths at their lowest point in 43 years (135)
(WorldNetDaily) Scary Iran could send the continental U.S. back to the 19th century with a recovery time of months or years (511)
(MSN) Scary News: Serial killer to be executed. Fark: he is a sorcerer and he killed 10 people to increase his powers (95)
(Gothamist) Amusing Yes, that Hello Kitty backpack does belong to Mets reliever Joe Smith (66)
(Herald Tribune) Asinine If you're going to take your computer to a store for repair, it's never a good idea to have a folder called "preteen gay porn" in your My Documents folder (306)
(USA Today) Stupid What happens when a foreign defense company beats Boeing to build air tankers? If you guessed "Senators overturn the contract in a wave of jingoistic asshattery," come on down (251)
(iWon) Asinine In a move destined to have a HUGE impact on the medical field, the AMA issues a formal apology for racist practices against black doctors over the last century. There, all better now (62)
(R News Rochester) Dumbass Idiot shoots at cops and they fire once hitting him in the leg. They then search his house and find 2 rifles, 3 handguns, 340 bags of heroin and 121 bags of cocaine. The aristocrats (45)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Germans upset that frozen dinners in real life never resemble the picture on the box. You know who else didn't turn out as advertised? (66)
(NPR) Unlikely Today marks the 83rd anniversary of the Scopes "Monkey" Trial. We've come a long way from such an archaic society in which religion would attempt to undermine science in public education (352)
(USA Today) Obvious America's inbred illiterate red flyover state bible thumping morans are reproducing more quickly than its liberal coast-dwelling commie elitist pinko gays (282)
(Telegraph) Weird New bill in front of the German parliament aims to wipe away decades of discrimination and exclusion by extending the right to vote to babies (36)
(Orlando Sentinel) Followup First tomatoes, then jalapenos, and now fresh cilantro under suspicion in salmonella epidemic. Why does God hate salsa? (87)
(ABC News) Interesting Do brain games improve cognition or are they just mental masturbation? Hint: this headline is in the form of a question (60)
(Some Actress) Caption Caption what Sarah Jessica Parker is grinning about (126)
(Daily Post) Dumbass Plunged into depression, man seeks solace eating rubber gloves -- but dies from chemical poisoning (16)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop theme: If God were a cat... (106)
(AP) Amusing CBS's only hot reporter Lara Logon goes wild in Iraq , gets pregnant by a married man, and complains when it hits the media (192)
(Roswell Daily Record) Unlikely Fake rock where aliens hid keys from 1947 crashed flying saucer found outside Roswell, New Mexico (89)
(Rian.Ru) Amusing Russian men encouraged to fondle sculpture of bronze boobies in order to stay young forever. Is there anything they can't do? (44)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Persecution of Gypsies called "the shame of Europe", bumping "the Dutch" into second place (198)
(MSNBC) Florida "Bumbling thief" trying to steal copper from vacant house accidently blows it up instead (14)
(Daily Mail) Scary Michael Jackson reinvents his image with the always-popular "Rasta Invalid" look (pic) (178)
(Guardian.com) Amusing Terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport loses over 900 bags every: A) year? B) month? C) day? . . . DingDingDingDing (57)
(MSN) Obvious Oil executives receiving record payouts. Infuriating tag can't afford the gas to get to work, Obvious tag fills in (248)
(thisisplymouth) Interesting Unemployed? Blind? Why not apply for the job in Braille. What's the job...Air traffic controller (35)
(The Morning Call) Amusing Apparently hard up for cash, thief steals 197 boxes of Levitra. Authorities threaten to impose stiff punishment (16)
(Some Guy) Florida Casualties of a struggling enonomy: education, public programs, strippers, road construction... wait, what? (28)
(News.com.au) Scary You know that old slapstick classic where a guy gets snapped up inside a folding bed? Turns out in reality it isn't all that funny (38)
(Some Bandit) Dumbass Serial sock bandit nabbed again, jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail. Underpants gnomes point and laugh (27)
(News.com.au) Dumbass Conman arrested after his "self-lighting cigarette" scam goes up in smoke, will be passed around as currency in PMITA prison (22)
(The Sun) Scary Two grannies have a scooter-jousting match in a supermarket. The Sun is there (39)
(CBS Sacramento) Weird Not news: Wife writes checks for Dell and AT&T, but accidentally sends to wrong company. Fark: Dell and AT&T both cash the other company's check, tell wife it's not their problem (167)
(The Chattanoogan) Dumbass Forging a court order for eviction, kicking out a woman and her four kids, then destroying all of their stuff? That's gonna cost you. $860,000 in fact (158)
(Daily Express) Stupid Government blows $150,000... to tell school kids that Elvis Presley was a gypsy (80)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 166: "Word Play." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (97)

Wed July 09, 2008
(OC Register) Dumbass Man seeks Guinness world record for sitting on his ass at the Rose Bowl (43)
(MSNBC) Asinine Knowing that consumers will revolt over higher prices, food manufacturers are decreasing sizes by 2-3oz. Bonus: They're keeping the front dimensions of the boxes the same (181)
(CNN) Interesting Iran's finger is always "on the trigger", says Hossein Salami of the Revolutionary Guard, indicating that their beef with Israel is far from over, and you never sausage an arsenal anywhere south of New Delhi. Wiener (215)
(Independent) Obvious Doctors call for tougher warning labels on alcohol including the fact consumption could lead to liver disease, sleeping with ugly chicks and greenlighting too many repeats on Fark (55)
(AJC) Stupid Editor for a womens magazine gets Atlanta to change their "Men At Work" signs. "Iron My Shirt" signs next (119)
(Huffington Post) Interesting "Hey, can you tell me how to get to the Chrysler Building?" "Uh, you mean the Abu Dhabi Investment Council Building"? (81)
(My Fox NY) Amusing Bad: getting stuck on a suspended cable car. Worse: In a thunderstorm. Fark: Over friggin' lions (68)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Woman tells husband her 40th birthday gift to him would be to have sex with him every day for a year. "To my horror, he declined the whole thing" (pic) (398)
(Some Guy) Dumbass What is your precious daughter doing? Threatening to shoot a 12-year-old with an AR-15. All because of a text message (229)
(Buffalo News) Scary Bovine uprising in progress. Multiple police agencies are responding. Shots fired. Nothing to see here, citizen, mooooove along (69)
(Yahoo) Obvious Further proof that car thieves aren't that bright, the 1995 Honda Civic tops the list of cars most stolen. Again (163)
(Yahoo) Sappy House cat adopts abandoned ugly-ass baby red panda. With pic that makes you go awwww (58)
(Some Guy) Cool Newly-crowned Miss Massachusetts is also a sergeant in the most deployed division of the army. You'd hit it, but you'd probably get hit back (230)
(SFGate) Interesting France may surrender title of world's largest winemaker to Spain. Olé, ranas (73)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Amusing In a 5-2 decision, Wisconsin outlaws sex with the dead. In other news, two judges voted to keep our laws off dead bodies (240)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Motoshop these photocrossers (48)
(CNN) Asinine CNN headlines article about psychic who has made over $10 million consulting. Does not include any verified predictions. That some good reporting there, Lou (57)
(Free Press) Interesting You know that store that sells offensive T-shirts? It's filed for bankruptcy. No, not that one, not that one either. The other one (112)
(National Geographic) Interesting Hurricane Bertha's sudden burst of strength stumps weather experts, considering name change to Hurricane Barry (93)
(ABC News) Asinine Reporters shocked -- SHOCKED -- that gas stations are charging credit-card customers more. Guess nobody remembers the 1970s (131)
(MSN) Interesting Fourteen "classic" tech rivalries. Includes Nintendo vs. Sega and Mac vs. PC (189)
(Kotaku) Florida Jack Thompson accuses judge of being mentally unstable. Ironic tag surrenders (58)
(Mark Twain's Legacy) Amusing A phrase every article should include: "...was wrestled to the ground by a police officer during the 2007 Frog Jump Youth Parade" (11)
(Some Guy) Followup Residents of Flint applaud police efforts to crack down on saggy pants: "The sagging is out of control. If you don't want to pick up your pants, pick up for the neighborhood. How's that sound?" (93)
(Local6) Florida Firefighter arrested for dirty texts sent to 13-year-old girl. "Can I ask a ? without you calling the cops?" Guess the answer was no (61)
(Breitbart.com) News Senate caves, telecoms saved (968)
(Daily Camera) Strange Apparently the kid in "WarGames" was based on a real person, who grew up, started a software company, and is now suicidal and possibly naked in Hawaii (58)
(Some Guy) Stupid GOP study finds companies that built formaldehyde-laced trailers used for Katrina victims shouldn't be held responsible, since nobody told them how much poison they could use in the first place. *Facepalm* (92)
(KNBC) News Remember how we all thought JonBenet Ramsey was killed by her parents? Guess not. Our bad (311)
(ABC2News Baltimore) Asinine What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless you're naked and you steal some beer... and a bus full of old people (40)
(CBS New York) Sick Former county prosecutor gets prosecuted for doing the nasty with her teenage son's friend. Judge calls her a "disgusting monster." Judge for yourself based on her mugshot pic (eye bleach optional) (156)
(The Virginian Pilot) Interesting Proof that '80s fashion will never die: Big hair is back and better than ever (200)
(Nola.com) Asinine New Orleans Police Department suspends an officer 15 minutes before his retirement for wearing the "wrong uniform" -- an older uniform that he wore to honor his fellow officers killed in the line of duty (225)
(BBC) Interesting Rapper traumatised by gun arrest. Gangsta (64)
(Some Guy) Hero Shed of the Year includes full bar with taps, TV, club chairs, fridges and a hammock. In related news, "Sheddies" designate an annual Shed of the Year (69)
(Some Guy) Strange Man walks into convenience store naked at 3:00 a.m., eats a Slim Jim and a bag of chips and chugs a bottle of Gatorade. Then, as we like to say around here, things got weird (65)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Amusing The record in Cincinnati for most T-bone steaks in your pants at one time is now eight (70)
(Some Guy with Gas) Obvious Apparently, MacGyver has taken to robbing gas stations. Police search for man who stole $3,000 in gas for himself and others by rigging pumps with a screwdriver (86)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Police chief quits as firearms instructor after accidently shooting himself (46)
(WSRZ) Cool New survey: Senior citizens are having more sex now than they did 30 years ago. Hey, at least that means they have less time to tell you to get off their lawns (161)
(Des Moines Register) Obvious Now that they've banned smoking in bars, politicians in Iowa worry about crowds of smokers gathering on sidewalks (378)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida If you plan to jump into a lake to avoid capture by the police, make sure you know how to swim (38)
(Daily Mail) Cool The coolest sand sculptures you will see in the next 26 minutes (49)
(1010WINS) Misc Today's "special education teacher accused of having sex with one of her disabled students" story brought to you by Queens, New York (with pic) (244)
(TBO) Ironic Woman has finger bitten off during fight at meat market. Ironic tag trumps Florida. No it doesn't (76)
(HelenaIR.com) Dumbass Man shoots self in head, seeks help next day (38)
(Telegraph) Amusing Probably your only chance to see a cow with a methane fart rocket on its back (114)
(Philly) Asinine Philadelphia to enforce new ordinance that will put gun owners in jail if they don't report a lost or stolen gun within 24 hours. Meanwhile, Philadelphia city government can't even fix a pothole or a stoplight in 24 hours (222)
(Yahoo) Unlikely Woman finally passes driving test... after 27 years. It's taken 450 hours of tuition, $30k and 12 failed tests, but she's finally competent enough to drive a car (147)
(WTOP) Interesting Washington, D.C. named best town in America. Not sure what definition of "town" they're using. Or what definition of "best" (168)
(The News & Observer (NC)) Interesting A North Carolina state employee quits a job he held for 29 years rather than lower the flag for Jesse Helms (565)
(Boston Channel) Strange Teens make jewelry out of dead cicadas (64)
(AP) Amusing The library police are real, and they are coming to get you (143)
(Herald-Leader) Interesting High price of scrap metal causing an unintended consequence: Eastern Kentucky is no longer classified as a landfill (36)
(TBO) Florida Tunneling intruder no match for fierce six-pound attack chihuahua. Or owner's .357 Magnum (77)
(BBC) Sad Minister poses as tramp to see how many of his congregation practise what they preach. Results: "None of them spoke to me, apart from a few who told me off and told me to get away from their cars, which they kept checking" (279)
(London Times) Interesting It turns out that the whole "dying and being resurrected three days later" climax of Jesus' sell-out tour wasn't as original as he wanted you to think (358)
(The Tennessean) Strange Cemetery groundskeeper cuts down tree, finds image of human face in tree's rings. For once, it's not Jesus or Virgin Mary. Because it was found in Tennessee, it's Cousin Cletus (58)
(nbc10) Interesting New website rates police officers. Wait a minute, Fark.com is not new (46)
(National Geographic) Photoshop Photoshop this translucent juvenile roundbelly cowfish (58)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Amusing The new fad among young professionals: white-collar boxing. "I am the most superlative of all time" (112)
(My Fox Boston) Dumbass Dumbass trifecta: Nude, hallucinating and pinning a cop down while trying to choke her before being tazed. Wait, that's four things (32)
(CNN) Asinine The U.S. Army adds religious sensitivity training into its curriculum. Just kidding, they provide full-time bodyguards to atheists so fellow soldiers don't kill them (607)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Strange "Buying a grand piano from Estonia might seem as absurd as looking for fine champagne at McDonald's" (44)
(Post Chronicle) Asinine Miss Washington probably should have removed the tiara before flipping off camera and making oral sex gestures (149)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Truck driver blames "wrong trousers" after police find cocaine and herioin in his pockets. Evil-looking penguin with rubber glove on his head wanted for questioning (36)
(Boston Herald) Dumbass Rapist decides maybe he is just that good, gives victim his phone number when she asks for it (88)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Woman faces six years in prison for having sex on beach; should have stuck with the Jager-bombs (209)
(Aftenposten.no) Strange Thousands of snails pose threat. Everybody walk for your lives (82)
(wigantoday) Stupid World's flimsiest excuse: "He said he had leaned out of the window asking them to be quiet and had forgotten he had a gun in his hand" (27)
(Some Guy) Amusing Citizens get drunk at the BYOB copwatch committee meeting for police oversight, which quickly turns into a live-action Fark thread (76)
(WFTV) Florida Guy calls police to complain that he was robbed of money he just stole from 7-11 (30)
(AFP) Obvious Indiana Jones risked his life for nothing. Study find "crystal skulls" in British and American museums are fakes of recent manufacture (131)
(Bangor Daily News) Dumbass In the backwoods of Maine, we take our croquet very seriously (46)
(SMH) Dumbass "Uh, captain, the crew's reporting an excessive amount of land around our ship. I know you were wondering why we haven't moved for two hours. Just thought you should know... sir." (With pic for your FAIL collection) (156)
(CNN) Obvious Programmer uninstalls active ex that was clearing his cash (168)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Five-foot, 190-pound French mastiff mistakes cat flap for doggy door. Hilarity, fail pics ensue (105)
(BBC) Asinine Police in Papua New Guinea ordered to shoot criminals who are wearing police uniforms. What could possibly go wrong? (11)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Scary Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a Dalek (75)
(Some Guy) Amusing Apparently, the current internets Bacon meme is the fault of one man. One wonderful, beautiful, talented, perceptive and tasteful man (131)
(BBC) Interesting Jihadi Rehabi? (57)
(Canoe) Obvious French newspapers discover that no one in London should live south of the Thames (71)
(Reuters) Asinine Nazi hunters hope to find "Dr. Death" in Chile with... an advertising campaign? "Have you seen this Nazi?" (65)
(New Zealand Herald) Amusing Man finds old treasure chest on beach. Fark: Full of chocolate bars (59)
(ABC News) Sad Texas man charged with shooting handgun at random motorists. There goes another state sport (49)
(MDN) Dumbass No matter how cute the stewardess is, don't tell her you have a stick of dynamite in your pocket that will make her explode with delight (27)
(Cracked) Weird Six absurd phobias (and the people who have them) (215)
(AP) Dumbass Fark Light presents Real Men of Brilliance: Today we salute you Mr. Crackhead, who calls the police on crack dealers that robbed you after trying to buy crack, guy (17)
(ABC News) Scary How to buy a child in 10 hours. Ten hours? But I want it now (162)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this spike (48)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Hoods throw rocks at 65-year-old man's house for two hours without police showing up. He finally gets fed up and chases them away with a wooden board. Guess who gets arrested? (164)
(Telegraph) Spiffy Ticket to British FA Cup Final worth $6,000. Fark: The game was played 113 years ago (37)
(Stars and Stripes) Obvious U.S. military personnel returning from Europe often confused by American culture, like driving on right side, dry counties (171)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida College student getting death threats for smuggling "Body of Christ" from church. Wasn't Jesus a pacifist? (837)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Hero LSD Fairy delivers special cookies to 12 Texas police stations. Timothy Leary and Hunter S. Thompson approve (312)
(WOAI) Interesting Old and busted: Stealing copper for quick cash. New hotness: Stealing catalytic converters off parked cars for quick cash (75)

Tue July 08, 2008
(STLToday) Obvious If you stashed $55,000 in cash behind a toilet paper dispenser at the St Louis County jail, the police pretty much dare you to come collect it (33)
(Houston Chronicle) Dumbass Houston man gets 35 years after stabbing roommate over foot odor, soon to be gellin' like a felon (67)
(Independent) Obvious World's smallest state becomes non-smoking just to prove that tiny countries can stamp on individual rights and freedoms as effectively as large ones (248)
(Leader Newspapers.net) PSA New Jersey would like to formally request that residents stop dying -- the cemeteries are full (86)
(Daily Express) Stupid Judges ordered not to jail burglars because being in prison 'sucks' and ruins all their fun (46)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Man walks into police station to confess to two killings told by police to get in line while they deal with real crimes. ''I've just murdered two people, I've got third degree f***ing burns and they are not doing anything" (70)
(CNN) Unlikely Crude oil prices drop $9/barrel in two days, so the price at the pump should start dropping any day now. Right? (194)
(Local6) Followup FAA now asking for suggestions on what could have caused a giant dent on the nose of a Northwest Airlines plane at 18,000 feet (with pic goodness) VE (205)
(MSNBC) Cool Global warming deniers rejoice, here's a glacier that's actually getting bigger. Recycled Southpark jokes at 11 (271)
(Metro) Obvious Woman with no criminal record told she is a violent junkie by Nanny State and must have her fingerprints cleared by every police force in the country before she's allowed to volunteer at her kids' school. Keep them coming, Britain (99)
(Telegraph) Interesting Wealthy white landowner in Africa accused of fatally shooting a poacher who was trespassing on his property. The Aristocrat (99)
(Staten Island Advance) Asinine Assistant Manager of Walgreens notified of fire code violations. And by ''notified", we mean dragged out of store in handcuffs, and tossed into the one of six NYPD squad cars (80)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this lady and her fish (67)
(MSNBC) Strange Old and busted: Foot in a shoe washing up on a beach in Canada. New hotness: Foot in a shoe washing up on a beach in Sweden (51)
(The Tennessean) Strange Tracy City, TN without cell phone service for at least two weeks after the city's only cell phone tower is (80)
(TBO) Florida Drunk guy calls 911 to report he has lost money at strip club. Police determine he's just drunk. So guy calls 911 again asking for new officers (w/ mugshot) (74)
(NBC San Diego) Interesting Turnaround time on karma definitively established to be five days (80)
(Local6) Florida Local officials are shocked, SHOCKED that more live munitions were found at school built on site of former bombing and gunnery range (27)
(CBC) Dumbass Restaurant apologizes to family for kicking out their autistic daughter. In other news, if you refuse to pay your bill at a restaurant, they will kick out random other people until you do (493)
(Reuters) Followup Wax Hitler to return to museum after head repairs. You know who else returned... oh wait, he didn't. Awkward (60)
(Some Guy) Video Robble-Robble: The top-10 Unhappy meals of all-time (121)
(LAist) Followup Doctor who purposely slammed his brakes on and hit 2 bicyclists has been arrested, soon to learn a whole new meaning of the phrase "slammed from behind" (629)
(Some Guy) Obvious Man arrested for running into burning home to save his computer. Must have been some porn stash (108)
(Press TV) Interesting US Navy moves aircraft carrier into the Persian Gulf after Iran rattles its scimitar about invasion. In response, Tehran deploys its crack 101st Cigarette Boat Harassment Squadron (390)
(CNN) Amusing Exports to Iran such as bras, bull semen, and weapons increase tenfold during Bush's years in office (83)
(Telegraph) Ironic Hello, my fellow world leaders and welcome to the G8 summit on the global food crisis. Before we begin, OM NOM NOM NOM (128)
(Wired) Stupid Researchers create website that uses Google news and Google maps to unwittingly track media panic outbreaks (42)
(What A Twist) Asinine Pennsylvania Farkers; you guys underwrote 25 percent of "The Happening" (194)
(Washington Post) Interesting Washington Nationals baseball team drawing paltry 9,000 per game. On television (133)
(Sun Journal (Maine)) Stupid Of untold millions of college students, 157 drank themselves to death between 1999 and 2005. So, obviously, we have to ban all drinking games (165)
(NYPost) Interesting Larry King gets an L.A. intersection named after him. It's at the corner of Sunset Boulevard and Oops I Crapped My Pants Avenue (35)
(Sports by Brooks) Asinine McDonald's sells out America to sell a few more Big Macs in Beijing with new Olympic ad slogan: "I'm lovin' it when China wins" (152)
(Baltimore Sun) Weird The next "First Pet" of the White House may be a ferret (183)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Not necessarily news: Woman accidently shoots self in the knee and injures friend in groin. News: While trying to kill mice. Fark: In her trailer. Ultra Fark: With a .44 Magnum (161)
(Some Guy) Florida Police detain a man parked with a stack of women's sonograms, a blond wig, rope, binoculars, an 18-inch machete, knives, gloves, two spent 9-mm shell casing and 18 human teeth inside a film canister (140)
(Daedalus) Cool Have an hour to kill? Start up this maze at level 9. Fun? Try level "F." Submitter doubts it stands for "finite" (175)
(WKYC) Scary ♪ Pin-thing in you membrane, pin-thing in your brain ♪ (with X-ray pic and explanatory vid) (55)
(AP) Amusing Makin fun of Oniontown. That's a stoning. Police: "Anybody that doesn't belong there, anybody that's not a resident, just stay out of Oniontown" (188)
(Denver Post) Interesting Health officials in Colorado blame a country music festival for a spike in pregnancies (88)
(Some Guy) Interesting "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "Running for the County Board, Sammy." Wait... what? (95)
(ABC News) Unlikely If you're a 53-year-old frail homeless woman living in a shelter in New York City, the government would like to lock you away for 15 years because you are obviously a terrorist leader (96)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida If a teacher shows you her three tattoos, it prolly means you're getting an A (154)
(CBS Miami) Florida Robert the Haunted Doll to leave Key West for first time on over 100 years to visit conference in Clearwater. Great-grandnephew Chucky books condo for reunion (70)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Stupid Rich people talk about having to reduce spending during these difficult economic times (343)
(WAAY TV) Obvious Homemade chicken-fighting arena comes fully equipped with sex and drugs (56)
(CBS Boston) Photoshop Photoshop Big Papi as a Big Baby (21)
(Telegraph) Obvious The Indoor Tanning Association commission study: Indoor tanning "good for you" (86)
(Some Road Tripping TFer) Photoshop Photoshop this "Artifact" (50)
(Reuters) Interesting "I wish I could do one thing that would help me lose weight, then I'd slim down." Turns out people can, but researchers doubt they will (391)
(New York Daily News) Amusing Play for Yankees: $250 million. Have hot wife: $100 million. Fool around with Madonna: $25 million. Have your hot wife blow $100 grand just for spite? Priceless (204)
(Chicago Tribune) Followup Disgraced TV news reporter Amy Jacobson sues over video showing her in bikini at suspect's house, alleging damaged reputation. Which prompts stills from video to be published yet again. (Pic was posted on website main page) (105)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Florida mom chucks newborn baby into the trash, denies giving birth despite having a crying trash bag in her hand (306)
(Tampa Fark Party) Florida Last chance to make plans for the Tampa Fark Party. Saturday July 12th. DIT (62)
(Starpulse) Amusing Sacha Baron Cohen's reign of terror continues: "Crowds in Arkansas came for the lure of cage fighting and $1 beer, but police say what they got instead was men ripping each others' clothes off and kissing" (339)
(Canada.com) Interesting Thirteen-year-old kid developing car alarm that alerts owners when conditions are bad for pets in the car. It's called the Summer-Detector (93)
(nbc10) Dumbass Property owner retaliates against zoning by painting the house purple and pink. Dumbass tag not for the paint, but for not getting zoning approval before purchasing the property (85)
(The Newspaper) Followup Virginia has promised 80 more years of traffic jams on the Capital Beltway, and may have to ban carpooling in order to keep that promise (192)
(BBC) Obvious African leaders tell G8 nations no to sanctions on Zimbabwe, yes to giving them lots of money, no strings attached (98)
(The Local (Germany)) Amusing It's a sure sign you've overstayed your welcome when your hosts call the police to haul your chatty ass away. (Link has unrelated picture of man-ass which might be NSFW) (57)
(New York Daily News) Dumbass Kid who kept threatening to burn down his grandmother's home finally makes a check his ass can cash (152)
(My Fox NY) Asinine American Airlines passengers headed to New York give "Bronx cheer" to late flight crew when they finally arrive. Crew responds by refusing to fly (319)
(KNXV) Interesting Mother shocked after Southwest kicks family off of flight, because she failed to control her unruly brats (812)
(Telegraph) Interesting Police spend 25 years filling in forms. Expect a knock on your parents' door related to that "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" LP they lifted from Woolworth's soon (54)
(Boston Globe) Amusing The lawyer's lawsuit was quite long / 400+ pages? That's wrong / The judge's poem said, / "You're farked in the head / Rewrite this and put down the bong" (86)
(Gainesville Sun) Florida Woman calls in a domestic disturbance, fails to tell police she'll be impersonating a speed bump when they get there (55)
(BBC) Spiffy Not news: Self-confessed "rubbish" golfer averages seven shots per hole, loses 23 balls during round. News: Hits hole-in-one during same round, wins new VW Golf. Fark: His wife's having the car (62)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Dumbass Man who bragged on social networking website that he had been a member of the SAS and killed more than 100 people was in fact, erm, in the Army Catering Corps (227)
(AP) Sad Police investigating dolphin death at the Mirage in Vegas. That must have been one wild weekend (57)
(NBC10) Stupid Small towns in America are finally realizing that the Fourth Amendment is gone, start grabbing anything that's not nailed down (201)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass Wanted man evades the police, climbs out a third-floor window, runs along rooftops, falls to the street, fights with cops, gets pepper-sprayed, ends up in jail. The days are just PACKED (15)
(London Times) Interesting How Osama bin Laden killed trainspotting (92)
(CBS Sacramento) Unlikely Man finds Virgin of Guadalupe on rock. "The minute he found the rock, he immediately quit drinking and smoking." Drew last seen hiding from rocks (40)
(The Sun) Obvious Lindsay Lohan tearfully admits to being governor of New Jersey (251)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Woman washes car... in neighbor's pool. With massive FAIL pics (109)
(Some Guy) Amusing Sheriff's cruiser hits cow while responding to a complaint of... cows on the road (27)
(WZVN) Florida Today's Darwin Award goes to man baiting sheriff deputies to come swimming with him, at night, in a swamp (30)
(Some Guy) Weird Drunk woman tries to become "Ultimate Fighting" champ at party. Then things get weird (69)
(NWI Times) Dumbass Not news: Man takes two tries to be successful at armed robbery. Fark: Weapon of choice was a cheese grater (25)
(AP) Strange If you are missing a Mercedes-loving goat and/or a goat-and-police-car-loving dog, the Limestone County Sheriff's Department would like a word with you (10)
(Some Grunt) Photoshop Photoshop this ear inspection, soldier (61)
(Guardian.com) Obvious As many as 50 percent of students. Can't speak in sentences. Get a brain. Morans (91)
(MSN) Obvious How to raise a child instead of a snowflake (164)
(Telegraph) Unlikely See the grin on the face of the happy bat who managed to go unnoticed in a 19-year-old's bra for five hours (124)
(News.com.au) Stupid Not news: Two cars in minor accident on highway. Fark: Rubbernecking drivers create 10-car pileup, including one car on its roof, trapping the driver for 15 minutes (22)
(AP) Followup "I guess, practically, sex offenders who are homeless should find places that are near sheriff's offices" (99)
(Guardian.com) Obvious "Everything is done at top speed. We need to slow down before we have a global nervous breakdown" (60)
(Free Press) Dumbass Wanted for domestic violence and assault, man gives cops a fake name, attempts to bribe them with sunglasses, jumps out of the back of the police car, steals it, crashes it, flees on foot, breaks into a home and begs for help. TA DA (34)

Mon July 07, 2008
(Komo) Dumbass That 11-year-old kid who received attention for talking his way onto flights? Yeah he's burglarizing houses now (124)
(Orlando Sentinel) Interesting Some are questioning why a "Beer Pong" video game was rated suitable for children as young as 13 (83)
(News.com.au) Strange Your doctor might be a quack if he says he can cure your pancreatic cancer through "ozone treatment" that involves "vaginal blowing" while moving up and down on your bed saying "Oh, Boy" (78)
(Some Guy) Obvious Wisconsin's economy might collapse and the fabric of society ripped apart if alcohol was ever made illegal there (137)
(Some Guy) Obvious Supermarkets urged to end "buy one, get one free" promotions over fears they encourage people to throw stuff in garbage. Strangely, liquor stores don't have this problem, or sadly, this promotion (100)
(Firehouse.com) Ironic Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Whoosh (69)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this fiery woman (38)
(NewsOK) Weird Coming up on the 10 o'clock news, one of our weekend news anchors gets drunk and goes driving through yards (59)
(Some Texan) Asinine Megachurch pastor wants to erect crosses near major highways to mark Houston as a "city for God." Fark: The crosses are so tall they need FAA approval (520)
(Galesburg.com) Scary Man in wheelchair saved from certain death after he becomes stuck on train tracks. Twice. In the same day (62)
(Local6) Strange Mystery woman found unable to talk -- police ask for help from U.S. to identify her (with pic) (185)
(CNN) Obvious Supplies intended for Katrina victims instead went to the Mississippi Department of Wildlife, Fisheries and Parks. We're from the government and we're here to help (101)
(Stuff) Unlikely Smoking ban saves 75,000 Kiwis (131)
(CNN) Amusing CNN: People who buy lottery tickets are even dumber than previously thought (220)
(Independent) Amusing Saracen armored personnel carriers still rumble through the streets of Belfast. Instead of armed British troops, they now carry drunk women on "girls' night out." Never surrender (51)
(The Consumerist) Asinine The Department of Homeland Security wants airlines to be able to remotely taser you (151)
(Telegraph) Sad British weather forecasters predict that the country may have seen the last of any lengthy periods of sunshine for the rest of this summer. Happy Christmas everyone (64)
(Some Paranoid Swimmer) Unlikely Old and busted fearmongering: Drowning if you go swimming within 30 minutes after eating. The new hotness: "Dry drowning" in your sleep after swimming that day (95)
(AccessAtlanta) Interesting Atlanta "art" exhibit will force visitors to "get caught in the middle of a busy street scene with nothing more than a guide and a cane," or at least that's what they tell you (54)
(Google) Sad Bomb attack in Abkhazia, Dumbledore urges calm (50)
(CBS Baltimore) Amusing If you took a 500-gallon tank of diesel fuel from a construction site over the weekend... nicely done (91)
(MSNBC) Obvious Parents of twins more prone to mental issues. Twice as prone, one would think (92)
(Jalopnik) Cool Tour of new DeLorean HQ causes intense need to exclaim "Great Scot" (134)
(Washington Post) Followup That recent Pew survey where 21 percent of atheists said that they believe in God? Yeah, not so much (600)
(BusinessWeek) Obvious Architects rank top 10 best-designed American cities, with particular emphasis on green-ness. Los Angeles beats out San Fran, and Chicago tops NYC (228)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these ladies with this modern kitchen marvel (58)
(Daily Mail) Strange Researchers provide Rubik's Cubes to octopuses, attempt to prove... something (95)
(Some New Farker) Survey If FARK was an acronym, what would it stand for? LGN, VE (449)
(News.com.au) Amusing Russian crowned king of chessboxing. Chessboxing? (116)
(Telegraph) Asinine British toddlers who dislike spicy food could be turned in as racists (400)
(Sify) Misc 110 years ago today, the United States annexed Hawaii. Aloha (160)
(Some Guy) Asinine Save the cheerleader, go to jail (356)
(Pontiac) Video Watch videos of Kat Von D tattooing her hot friends. (Sponsored Link) (196)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Religious conservatives hoping the issue of homosexual marriage can help the GOP come from behind (1059)
(SFGate) Dumbass Dictionary editor: "If somebody is using it to convey a specific idea and that idea is successfully conveyed in that word, it's ready to go in the dictionary." Subby is phelencromogrified (134)
(Boston Herald) Misc Boston's best vice-squad detective has seen a lot in his day. Has done a lot in his day. But there's one thing he won't do: Wear women's underwear (47)
(BBC) PSA You can yell four-letter expletives on daytime TV if the guy in charge of bleeping them can't understand your "Strong Scottish accent" (62)
(WFTV) Florida Want to use shopping carts? It's gonna cost you (172)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Closing up the Svalbard Global Seed Vault for the night: Lights off, check. Door shut tight, check. Now where did I put the keys? (41)
(WGME) Dumbass Man decides to celebrate July 4th like everybody else, with fireworks. Of course, most people don't set off the fireworks inside their apartment (35)
(CNN) Spiffy Oil prices fall more than $4 per barrel on news that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have procreated (108)
(Newsday) Dumbass It's not kosher to kick a cop in the face at temple (41)
(Boston Globe) Interesting Boston police investigate website that alleges police misconduct, features posts from disgruntled cops. Mark Wahlberg seen slipping on his booties (38)
(Gawker) Stupid Greta Van Susteren calls Anderson Cooper a coddled, commercialized, Katrina-exploiting, polygamy-obsessed pretty boy (224)
(Yahoo) Scary "Passengers certain to die!" "Airline negligent!" "There's a sale at Penney's!" (150)
(Crni) Cool Ford introduces vehicle that they guarantee will not have a mechanical failure (162)
(My Fox NY) Obvious Apparently, driving around and smashing into other cars can cause your gas tank to explode (47)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Local businessman hailed as hero after apprehending and detaining thug who was trying to break into mobile-phone shop. Just kidding, he's been arrested and charged with assault and battery (144)
(News.com.au) Stupid Annual Running of the Morans claims its first eight casualties in Pamplona (148)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Not news: Man drinks himself to death. Fark.com: With tap water (101)
(WSB-TV Atlanta) Dumbass In Georgia, justice is served scattered, splattered and capped (111)
(USA Today) Sad Old and busted: Kids comparing test and video-game scores. New hotness: Kids comparing their cholesterol numbers (95)
(Boston Globe) Amusing If you are calling about the job listing for Family Health Administration, press 1 now. If you are calling to listen to sex talk, please hold on... gently, but firmly (20)
(Springfield Republican) Dumbass You see a man lighting fireworks in the middle of the road ahead of you. Do you: A) Stop and watch? B) Honk your horn? C) Floor it? (104)
(Telegraph) Amusing Britain's most respected evening newscaster confesses he often polishes off an entire bottle of Burgundy after signing off with "Go fark yourself, London" (82)
(Telegraph) Obvious Cost of Britain's Nanny State estimated at £20 billion a year, not including server costs from Fark links (232)
(Some Guy Who Only Takes Tips) Caption Caption these mohels and their Milah subject (95)
(Some TFette) Photoshop Photoshop this empty kitchen (67)
(The Sun) Dumbass Man locks himself into chastity belt and has to be rescued (50)
(AP) Scary Suicide car bomb kills 28, wounds 141 in Kabul. In other news, there's apparently some sort of war in Afghanistan (189)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Arnie the Ginger Tomcat is best friends with ugly-ass lion cub. Awwwsome (54)
(Telegraph) Ironic Stephen Hawking seeks "Einsteins of Africa." Tells them to live where the food is (238)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Eighty years ago, the best thing since sliced bread was invented (90)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Showing the same keen economic acumen that he demonstrated in his 10 years as chancellor, British PM Gordon Brown has expert advice on how to save on your food budget: Don't throw so much away. Brilliant (64)
(The Tennessean) Asinine Shocking investigative report reveals veteran teachers choose to teach in more affluent schools -- leaving their newly hired (and lower-paid) counterparts in poor schools (93)
(News.com.au) Spiffy If you were sexually abused by a priest in Australia, here's some good news that doesn't involve legal action or lab results (94)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Small dogs are more likely to bite you than a Rottweiler (236)
(Cleveland) Stupid Cleveland Schools need $1 million donation to procure school uniforms for their students too poor to afford them. Up-to-date books, classroom supplies and modernized facilities strangely absent (165)
(WBAL) Strange Two truckloads of bananas stolen. Authorities expect thieves to slip up soon. Harry Chapin unavailable (60)
(Click On Detroit) Strange Northwest flight from Detroit arrives in Tampa with a mysterious broken nose. Plane swears it didn't get into a fight (77)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these cranes (32)
(Metro) Obvious Disabled man in an electric wheelchair was refused a third beer by bar staff -- because of drunk-driving laws. Also because he ordered Budweiser, which is a true test of mental retardation (74)