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Sun May 25, 2008
After 100 surgeries and defying the odds for three years, a Texas Marine loses his final battle
Ugly-ass baby river otters to go outside for sunbathing, playing some jugband music
The mom from "The Family Circus" has died. Funeral procession expected to follow black dotted line all over town before ending up at the cemetary
Inventor of McDonald's french fries dies. Good night greasy man
Woman blows .02 and gets three felony DUI convictions... WTF?
Police in Florida are now arresting people for walking on the wrong side of the road
(Dalton Daily Citizen)
Photoshop this guy wearing real life beer goggles
Chicago: where wearing a Celtic knot symbolic of your Scottish clan, or reading an anti-KKK book can get you labeled as a klansman and fired
Cross dresser refused entry to casino because a security guard said he was "inappropriately" attired. After seeing the pic one could dare say the security guard might have been right
Those seven minutes of terror, it is time
Sex-change soldier wins $500,000 for 'hurt feelings'
Teen who stole Girl Scout's cookie money on TV pleads out, tired of being reminded she's an asshat. "I still don't think it gives them the right to be screaming things at me at Publix, at Starbucks, at Wal Mart, at Target."
Piracy on the rise again. On the bright side, at least we don't have to worry about global warming any more
20 cool pics from Google Street View -- includes cars burning, kids falling off bikes, and a dude running in scuba gear
Not news: Teenager fined for littering. Nanny State: For releasing helium balloon at charity event
Historic Rhode Island farms offering the public chance to try their hands at pig farming. Phew phew phew
Perhaps our neighbors to the north aren't so different from us. "Forget ice cream and shorts - beer festival is the first sign of summer"
Happy Towel Day, hoopy froods. Have a jynantonnix
Tawny owl flies in as oldest mother (with pic goodness)
747 cargo plane belonging to Kalitta Air has broken in half on takeoff in Brussels. Includes vid of breaking news
The cutest litter of English Bulldogs you'll see all year
Two innocent men arrested and detained. One because he shared a name with a wanted felon, the other because he lived where a criminal used to live. That's some fine police work, Lou
(Some John Guy)
Lorain city councilman happily arrested for soliciting a prostitute. With joyful mugshot
76 year old man becomes oldest person to climb Mount Everest, tells kids to get off his snow capped lawn
Photoshop this rock-n-roll granny
12 comic book ads that taught us to be cynical
Dictrict of Columbia begins online voting for design of commemorative quarter. Sadly, the popular "Marion Barry Buying Crack", "Senator Molesting Page" and "Vagrant Urinating on Your Leg" failed to make final cut
Hops shortage worsens. Craft breweries may have to cut way back on production levels. EVERYBODY PANIC. No, seriously, EVERYBODY PANIC
You call that Photoshop hell? THIS is Photoshop hell
Final reminder: NYC Fark Party tonight at 6 in Hell's Kitchen. LGT previous thread, DIT as well
Old Aussie cookbooks reveal delights of bush tucker, bandicoot, kangaroo brains and black swans. Mmmm... kangaroo brains. Nom nom nom
OMG did u no? SC#1 st8e txtin wyl drvng
Today's "naked man trying to hump a taxicab windshield" brought to you by Avila Beach, CA and the sheer horror of the taxi driver
"Engberg said fortunately her 6-year-old daughter is too young to understand what she heard and she wasn't forced to explain why a dog and a pig were being intimate with each other."
Families in Mexico can now participate in a live simulation-adventure that lets them experience what it's like to sneak across the border. "It's part of our culture, and it's important to know it."
"Government lawyers told federal judges that the President can send the military into any U.S. neighborhood, capture a citizen and hold him in prison without charge, indefinitely."
Nanny States "amusement park" new customer policy. You will have fun, dammit. Or else
Man wakes up from surgery to find a male hospital worker trying to give him mouth-to-penis resuscitation
Man uses a baby carriage to try to escape from the law. Sean Connery and Kevin Costner not impressed
#273 on the list of weird ways to buy the farm: Teen boy walking on the side of the road has his neck sliced open by stolen stop signs sticking out of a passing truck. Girlfriend: "we had plans this weekend, but that's changed."
Workers from other provinces help rebuild Chinese power grid after Sichuan quake. Guess it needed just a little of that Hunan touch
More fitness enthusiasts are using the bible to guide their workouts, with such biblical principles as "your body is a temple." Submitter fails at religion, since he's had no worshippers at his temple in a LONG time
Drum circle broken up by gun wielding maniac. Hippies not amused (with hilarious photo)
High gas prices force cops to walk the beat
Mayor of town crashes through toll booth while drunk one night with no headlights. Solution: Suspend cops that pulled him over and followed police chief's orders
Professional skateboarder accused of putting his half pipe in a 15-year-old girl's ollie
Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Push pins
Robbie Knievel successfully jumps 24 delivery trucks at King's Island, site of his dad's record-breaking jump in 1975
"Say goodnight, Dick"
Sat May 24, 2008
Farc leader dead. Fark leader still drinking beer, checking out boobies
British secret agent's wife implicated in the F1 orgy scandal will leave you shaken, stirred and in handcuffs with your pants around your ankles
Shark bites American surfer off the Pacific coast of Mexico, sings about fellatio
The wreck of the Titanic was only found after a top-secret mission to -BLAM- -BLAM- ++CARRIER LOST++
In the continuing trend of airlines beating up on the the average Joe, Frontier Airlines will now charge extra when you check in antlers
(Asbury Park Press)
Bad: You don't pay your phone bill. Obvious: The phone company cancels your service. Fark: You're the police department
(Stemboat Pilot & Today)
Vietnam vet on attending high school commencement, receiving diploma: "I want to thank the kids for taking on an old fart like me. They're making an old man's dream come true."
Photoshop Theme: design a travel poster for an unlikely vacation destination
Autistic child voted out of his Kindergarten class by a 14-2 count. Since it's Florida, there's going to be a court-ordered recount
Tornadoes in central Oklahoma going hog wild, attacking pig farms and endangering bacon production facilties (tornadoes discussion thread here -- good luck, everyone)
Strippers also suffering difficult times with high price of gas, food, travel. "[I've gone from] about a grand a week, down to a couple hundred."
Blowing a kiss to a cop gets a 14 year old arrested (with video) - instant follow up - arresting officer has resigned
Strange but true facts about aircraft carrier USS Kitty Hawk, like it comes with an escalator, women's lingerie department
Slideshow takes us back to a time when airfare was cheap, and stewardesses were all women and smokin HOT. Bonus: Es ist ein ziemlich großes Flugzeug, wie ein Tylenol
TX BBQ enthusiasts and roadtrippers: Texas Monthly's quintennial BBQ review is out. Here's a map marking all the places from 2003 & 2008, with ratings
(Centre Daily Times)
As gas soars to $4 a gallon, some pumps can't compute anything over $3.99. Solution: set the price to per half-gallon. There, now gas seems cheaper
Mom upset 14-year-old daughter suspended for wearing "SOPHOMORE 69" T-shirt, cannot imagine why school considers it sexually explicit. (w/ video)
Beer is recession proof
(Some Redhead Elf)
Tattoos? Sure honey. A piercing? Euhm ... okay I guess. Elf ears? Snowflake, I think we should talk
How to avoid dealing with high gas prices and overcrowded vacation sites -- try a relaxing "staycation" instead
I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about, so here's a picture of a princess with a pancake on her head
(Some Flaming Guy)
Photoshop this torch bearer
Pacific humpback whale population continues to rise in spite of a breeding pair being stolen from the Cetacean Institute in Sausalito
When you're purchasing a vehicle, it's probably best not to tell the sales staff about the $40,000 you have stuffed into your mattress at home
Nanny State wants to chop down 150ft Chilean pine because its needles might poke somebody
City Attorney sees no problem with citizens shooting at coyotes in the city. Naturally, some other city officials have a problem with this
Study says antidepressants are okay for fetuses. Because sometimes it just sucks to not be born yet. You all just don't understand
Mom tired of being victimized catches a bunch of hoodlums on her lawn, and she "just snapped". Hilarity ensues
You neighbor builds a new terrace by your garden. Do you a) tell them job well done, b) go over for a cup of tea, or c) build a 16 ft wall to block their view ?
Caption this sneaky peeker
Real archaeologists to Harrison Ford: you're doing it wrong, but thanks for the new recruits
(Centre Daily Times)
Today's dumb crook gets out of jail, walks across street and steals car. Is promptly reacquainted with his cell
Hang on, I need to hail this taxi cat so that I can get home in time for Caturday
After a session at the gym, don't drink five litres of water. Stick to beer
Not News: 73 year old woman gets into argument with son. News: About walking around house naked. Fark: Shoots self in finger
PETA are protesting the size of a goldfish bowl on a television show. Goldfish give a shiat for five seconds, then forget about it
FDA warns of nipple cream that can harm babies. Good, those little bastards are bogarting boobs anyway
Wedding photographer captures earthquake with pics showing why they're not getting their deposit back
Photoshop these interested women
When stealing cars, make sure you and your two wives have thought your cunning plan all the way through. ('Dumbass' because there's no 'JAPAN' tag)
Prince Charles has old growth removed from his face but not from his throne
Finally ridding themselves of that pesky Roy Scheider, the NYPD acquires super sophisticated helicopter
Wildlife refuges threatened by drugs, hookers
Hippie who died 35 years ago gets the worst-ever forensic reconstruction w/pic
Fri May 23, 2008
Man uses frog aphrodisiac, winds up stiff
Dumb: Teens call in fake pizza order, then try to rob delivery guy. Dumber: They try it again... using the same phone. Morons: Busted by undercover cop playing delivery guy
Five-year-old hospitalized after his father tries to blow him up... with an air hose in the anus
Vallejo, CA files for bankruptcy. Let the good times roll
C'mon, who HASN'T tried to drug a Russian Olympic gold medalist ice dancer?
Five people face charges for using nail salons to launder cash. Well, you Nguyen some, you lose some
It's time for our weekly dose of mugshot goodness... patriotic Memorial Day style
The more religious the law student, the worse the grades received. Finally, empirical proof that God hates lawyers
Step 1. Get offered promotion. Step 2. Turn it down because you weigh 400 pounds, the new job involves travel and you're embarrassed to book double seats. Step 3. Cry discrimination. Step 4. Profit?
New robot bunny in development. Will be released after scientists perfect pancake attachment
Post-robbery evaluation: Successful break-in? Check. Bind residents? Check. Successful escape? Check. Count the money? Umm
Why is Hillary still in the running? Because according to her, Obama might be gunned down like Bobby Kennedy. Oops, she's sorry she said that out loud
Woman drove the wrong way down a Brazilian highway for five miles (eight km), scattering holiday traffic and skirting a police roadblock, after turning around because she had no money for the toll
Girl tragically afflicted with "open mouth" disease
Photoshop this artistic street scene
Teacher resigns after cellphone footage of him bodyslamming a student is released (with video)
Job-hunting pro tip: Don't list the company that you stole money from as a reference
"Satnavs are pretty good if you know how to use them." Old couple has to be rescued from the middle of some bushes
Small Wisconsin town's Board of Education decides not to ban "controversial" book. Title: "Bling, Bling: Hip Hop's Crown Jewels"
If you nailed a python to a telephone pole in Lawrence, MA, the police would like to arrest you
McCain has polyps in his colon, apparently the result of too much speaking from that part of his body. Otherwise, he's in pretty good health. Except the cancer
Scientists suggest that the numbers of perfect games are increasing because bowlers have rough balls. Bowlers teste about the accusation, insist that it's skill
Motivational speaker arrested for attempted murder, reminds us to chase our dreams
Note to Canada: Offering to drop off helicopters in Burma is a nice gesture, but make sure you actually have a plane available next time
Hell hath no fury like a cheated upon woman with pictures of your naked butt
Bride who dumped her fiancee right before their wedding is sued by the groom's mother. HBO optioning rights for the upcoming courtroom catfight
After over 100 years, NYC Transit finally, maybe, agrees it's a good idea to turn off power to the third rail when cops are chasing suspects through the subway tunnels
If you stole a trailer containing $150,000 worth of liquor, the Miami Fark Party Committee would like to have a word with you
Group wants Wi-Fi banned from public buildings -- because they're allergic to it
A list of the top ten coolest beer names. "Wasatch Polygamy Porter" tops the list, based on its slogan: "Why have just one?"
Mother who kept her teenage adopted son in a cage has been sentenced to spend the next 20 years in one
Reminder: NYC Fark Party Sunday 5/25. LGT previous thread, Those not hung over, please come hang out
(Some Drunk Guy)
Last call for CT Fark Party, Sat. 24th at 6pm. New location is the Wood 'n' Tap in Southington. LGT bar, DIT
California proposes 25 percent porn tax. Charlie Sheen takes out home-equity loan
Man found hanging upside down from tree tells police that he was innocent -- the tree attacked him
Photoshop these camels
Not content with just one public relations nightmare, Tim Hortons goes two for one in May after employee chastises customer for buying a homeless pregnant woman breakfast
Chinese quake victims need millions of tents. South Korean teens offer to teach them how to camp using only Code Red and a mouse
First law of stealing: Check out the wild animals in the area first
One in 20 patients want to kill their doctor. And that's before they've seen the bill
Man tries to dodge rape conviction by arguing he was badly affected by venom from a funnel web spider bite at the time. Judge hands down verdict of "Epic Fail"
Today's entrant in the "should have checked Snopes" is the Daily Telegraph, with its pictures of a "death defying leap over the Grand Canyon"
Not news: 12,000 students take GCSE exam. News: The answers were accidentally printed on the opposite side. Fark: Only an estimated 5% of the students noticed
What's four feet in Canada, eh? Strange, that's what
McCain to limit reporters' access to his medical records, lawn
Hottie Bollywood actress goes to Afghanistan and has sex with Special Forces troops. We're somehow supposed to see this as a bad thing
When is it a bad thing for a stoned chick to masturbate loudly in front of you? Ask this paramedic
When you're a school board member who talks about digging a moat along the Texas border and putting alligators inside to control the immigration problem, what do you do to bump up the crazy? Pull a gun at a car wash and start shooting
Tony Blair comes within seconds of being U.S.S. Liberty'd by the Israeli Air Force. Oy vey
Photoshop the deep blue sea
News: Illinois town to quadruple parking meter fines. Fark: To $1.00
Government refuses to dip into U.S. oil stockpile, saying it's needed for "future emergencies." Okay... define "emergency"
Canadians more likely to be a victim of crime on the Internet than on the street. Obviously, it's hard for most cats to commit street crimes when they're cooped up indoors
Thu May 22, 2008
Woman who was clinically dead for 18 hours wakes up and is none the worse for wear. Doctors still scratching their heads
Newsweek asks: Do people really make a living off eBay?
Despite a lingering drought, neighbors warned by homeowners' association to water their lawns or face fines
Pregnant waitress offended by card slipped into her tip by childless couple hoping to adopt her baby. Couple's attorney: "We haven't had any negative response to this method"
Any driver who refuses to take a breathalyzer test, will have blood drawn. No exceptions. Welcome to San Antonio
Tennessee high school student who rode a horse to school to protest high gas prices is being denied his graduation ceremonies this Friday by the principal
Rev. Hagee usees time-honored "You can't fire me, I quit" defense on McCain
Rich people are smarter than poor people. The evolution of Eloi and Morlocks is on the way
"This is a huge, huge step forward . . . We're using nature to solve a man-made problem." Student finds a microbe that digests plastic bags
NOAA weatherpeople have gathered all the darts off the board, seen where the cows pooped on the chart, and scientifically announce an above average hurricane season for 2008. Or maybe not
Missouri car dealership offer free $250 gas card or free gun with every car purchase. "Every buyer so far 'except one guy from Canada and one old guy' has elected to take the gun."
Headline: "Trainer Frets Over Fate of Missing Stud." Subby wasn't even aware anyone was looking for him
Florida has three of the nations top ten beaches, however if you go to one you are at risk of being run over by a drugged up school teacher on the run from the law for having sex with a 15 year old alligator
Ford: Our cars don't suck - gas is just too expensive
Photoshop Theme: Depict the last thing you'd want to see before you die
Headlines Quebec during their next budget "Help, we're being persecuted", Headlines at every other time "Stop being paranoid xenophobes or you'll be the end of us all"
Is the FAA losing battle of flight delay hell?
Apparently poodles are great hunting dogs. Just make sure their ribbons and bows are waterproof (w/video)
McDonald's says its french fries are healthier than ever. But they still contain fatty oils and high sodium levels that can jack your cholesterol and kill you
Brooklyn Bridge turns 125 today. Related cliché about NY scam artists turns 124 years, 11 months
Old and [not] busted: Blaming the oil corporations for the high cost of gas. New hotness: Discovering your state and local governments are soaking you for 20% of that cost
If a popular website posts a link to your ridiculous Craigslist ad, it's probably not a good idea to call them up and leave a ranting phone message, as they will post that too
Minn. baseball team celebrates Larry Craig by giving away 2,500 bobble-foot-in-a-toilet dolls. This follows rectal exam giveaway in Wisconsin
When Ted Kennedy gives up his seat, he wants the voters of Massachusetts to vote in the most qualified successor. Just kidding--he wants his wife to take it
News: Women ski jumpers sue to ban their male counterparts from competing in Olympics Fark: They sue the wrong organization
Investigators shocked to learn that a Georgia Tech employee used her computer to store pictures of her sex acts. Everyone else shocked to learn someone at Georgia Tech was having sex. Bonus: no robots involved
Men run out of gas in their plane. Start praying. Land next to a "Jesus is Lord" billboard. Claim it's a miracle that god tried to kill them
Woman pissed that her favorite MMORPG was shut down for an hour to honor the victims of the Chinese earthquake; posts a video of herself mocking quake surivivors online. Apparently she forgot she lived in China. Jailiarity ensued in a big way
Tornado is reported on the ground north of Denver, Colorado
Welfare officials had no right to take kids away from their orgy-loving polygamist parents
Swarm of bees sting 2 residents. Firefighters called in. Swarm of bees then sting 3 firefighters
Vandals break into Stonehenge site, chip off coin-sized stone piece and escape. No one knows who they were, but police do know what they were doing
Museum covers up naked mummies. With pics. SFW, unless naked mummies offend your coworkers
Children in India burn toy guns in protest of violence, chanting "we hate guns, we love football", which is pretty much the exact opposite approach taken by NFL players
Meth lab accidentally donated to church
White House attacks Jerusalem Post story about US invading Iran before Bush's term is up. Probably because they forgot to include a spoiler alert
Soaring fuel prices result in fourteen percent increase in subway use in Los Angeles, despite the fact it doesn't go anywhere people want to go
The obvious solution to rising gas prices and global warming implementing a national speed limit of 55mph, because everyone obeys speed limits
Bears on their own are scary enough. But when they can also twirl baseball bats, time to watch out
British children aged 11-15 drink an average of 11.4 units of alcohol every week. EVERYBODY PARTY
Amy 'pass that pipe' Winehouse flees her home, claiming that a poltergeist named "Henry" wants to kick her ass
CNN has moved on from mancaves to manimony. Submitter manpalms
(Columbia Journalism Review)
It's not news, it's MSNBC interviewing an astrologer about which candidate will win in the fall. She didn't say, but she did predict the impending collapse of major media news coverage in the US
Fan plummets to his death at Turner Field after getting plastered and deciding that sliding down a long-ass handrail is a good idea. That does it. Let's ban handrails
Man so obsessed with Indiana Jones he got married in the white dinner jacket from "Temple of Doom" and named his son Harrison after his wife refused Indiana (w/ "I need a 12 step program" pic)
Ted Kennedy's brain tumor may have been caused by a herpes virus. When asked if he was mad at the aide who infected him, Kennedy said it's water under the bridge
Researcher says he can determine who will go on shooting rampages by analyzing teens' writing for terms like "I'm going to kill everyone."
Now that we have a picture of the other woman, we can all join together in singing - to Shania Twain's soon-to-be ex-husband - a rousing chorus of "You're Doing It Wrong."
Shop this pup
After several years of rebuilding and nearly $22 million upgrades and enhancements, New Orleans finally has a system of levees that...leaks and will probably collapse if exposed to a flood. Thanks, guys
In a complete waste of taxpayer money a study conducted by scientist has defined premature ejaculation
TSA announces plan to streamline security checkpoints by allowing passengers to leave laptops in special, Targus or Skooba-designed bags. This announcement brought to you by Targus and Skooba, for all your laptop needs
Chavez to USA: "We will send fighter jets the next time you violate Venezuelan airspace." USA: "Whatever"
"I Believe" license plate with Christian cross coming soon to South Carolina and Florida (w/pic)
Offended by being whistled at by a group of workmen, woman responds on the only logical way. By stripping naked
John Lowe, executive v.p. of ConocoPhillips, couldn't remember his exact salary. He just dives in and swims around
Buried Chinese miner survives for a week by eating toilet paper and drinking his own urine. He'd be pissed if he wasn't so wiped out
New poll finds that 55% oppose gay marriage, 38% support gay marriage and the remaining 7% see a penis when they look at the graph
And I would iron one hundred miles / and I would Iron one hundred more / just to be the wife who'd ironed two hundred miles / but you'll still drop them on the floor
This botched-vasectomy story will make all men cross their legs and wince in sympathy
Austin cop fired for repeatedly hiring prostitutes, providing women with drugs, and paying a woman for sex by giving her some of his wife's clothes
Old and busted: Hillary in 2008. New hotness: Chelsea in 2016. No, really
Fuel prices force farmer to ditch tractor in favor of mule. "It's the way of the future."
British guy's girlfriend is a Herbie the Love Bug replica named Vanilla. And he wants you to know that he's had sex with 1,000 cars, but he's not weird or anything. Vanilla offered no comment
(South Coast Today)
Teens commandeer school intercom, read from Orwell's "1984". Behavior lecture that followed leads to the most idiotic student protest in recorded history
The official rules for calling "Shotgun"
Meeting an internet lover in real life can frequently be disappointing and fall short of expectations. More at 11
(Some Sailor Gal)
Photoshope this tope
A toy turtle, a G.I. Joe action figure, golf balls, shotgun shells, a spark plugs, glass, dog collars, a doll, lawn-mower parts, milk jugs, beer cans, deer bones, a skunk, and smaller gators have all been found in the stomachs of alligators
Study confirms drunk driving fatalities are rising in areas that enact smoking bans in bars. So smoking bans are killing innocent people under the guise of health. That's some fine legislation there, Lou
(How to do things)
Nine ways to open a beer without a bottle opener. If you can't do it with a lighter, you fail at life
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 159: Dark and Forbidding. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed May 21, 2008
Dalai Lama will go to Beijing Olympics if Tibetan peace talks are constructive. So they got that goin' for them, which is nice
Health Department: "Medical-marijuana patients should be allowed more than 2 pounds of pot every two months." Governor: "What are you smoking?"
High school student has artwork censored during school exhibit because it used pieces of the American flag. First Amendment spins in grave a little faster
?sesrevinu rehto ni drawkcab nur emit seoD
32-year-old woman gets four-month suspended jail sentence for bait-n-switch scam involving a 15-year-old boy and a picture of Pamela Anderson's chest that she presented as her own... claims she was just shading the truth
Tom Tom, should I go left or right? Tom Tom, should I go straight? Tom Tom, why won't you answer me? Tom Tom, why are we merging with a plane?
Canadian man, not content with $341,000, seeks further compensation for developing phobias, sleeplessness, irritability and a lack of sex drive after finding a fly in his water bottle
Nothing unusual about taking a twenty-six year old's case to the European Court of Human Rights, until you notice the plaintiff is a chimpanzee
Scientists detail scenario for the "Big One." Step 1: EVERYBODY PANIC
Sure sign the economy is in a downturn: Cash-strapped callers flood "Crime Stoppers" hotline with vague clues hoping for rewards
39-year-old man offers $5000 to find Miss Right in a local Maine newspaper, unaware that "Miss Right Now" is available in those same classifieds for a lot cheaper
A tisket, a tasket, it's a class to build your own casket
Photoshop this rock formation
The Rev. Al Sharpton once threatened to march on Dr. Dre's recording studio unless the rap artist donated a half-million dollars to Sharpton's charity
Two girls to represent Japan in World Cosplay Summit. In other news, there's a World Cosplay Summit
Online auction allows you to get your ugly-ass dog cloned
The Onion AV Club taste tests some of the weird "Asian Pringles" flavors, including Curt Schilling's favorite
Grand Theft Golf Cart
How coffee changed the world. AKA "History of the lucious latte and magnificent mocha"
Canton, Ohio, vows to jail anyone growing grass. No, not the kind you smoke -- the kind you mow and tell kids to get off of
Man arrested for naked alligator wrangling, again. Lost part of his arm the first time
Drew Peterson, ex-cop whose fourth wife is missing, will surrender on gun charge. Reason: Gun barrel too short under state law
Winning tickets to "American Idol" finale by drinking pork blood soup really takes the sting out of mismanaged car detail prize
Lost parrot tells veterinarian its address. Polly wants a steak
Does Alcoholics Anonymous fit the definition of a cult?
Japanese women model old British Airways uniforms, including one that would give Don Cherry nightmares
First dinosaur tracks found in ancient Arabia, right where the Bible says Jesus® rode his brontosaurus
Dead moose in yard finds way to Craigslist
Gay community not convinced by bar boss who says homosexuals are welcome at former gay-only pub. Could have something to do with the female strippers and giant "Now Straight" banner outside bar
HealthPartners in Minneapolis reveal their new mascot, Petey P. Cup
Old and busted: $175 burger. New hotness: $30 TV dinner
If you're going to dial 911 15 times to call for a cab, make sure you have enough money once one shows up at your home
Photoshop these lovely pink flowers
Today's media fearmongering article: "Sex and the City turned me into a 14-year-old whore"
Creator of N'Sync and Backstreet Boys sentenced to 25 years. Talk about a slap on the wrist
From the "Where were you five years ago" file, FBI agents objected to torturing detainees
If you're going to sell weed in high school, it's probably best not to sell it to a principal from another school
Signs warning drivers of the number of road deaths now causing road deaths
Yesterday: Hillary wins Kentucky. Today: Ohio starts knocking bridges down
"Oops, my bad" is not the correct response when your judge asks you why you answered your mobile in the courtroom
There's never a right time to publish sexy earthquake photos
Remember those 75,000 people who showed up to hear Obama? Actually, they showed up for a free rock concert, so most probably won't be voting or getting off your lawn
Deer with glass jaw finds out the hard way not to break into a hair salon
Not news: Man crashes garden party. Florida: In his Chrysler
When demanding immigration reform from your state's governor, it is best not to send them an email threatening to "choke the life out of" them if you don't get it
Being thrown 70 feet by a freight train is God's way of telling you your music is too loud
U.S. military at Gitmo softened up detainees for Chinese intelligence. Sing along: "It's a small world after all..."
Milkman claims he was harassed by a gang every day for six years. Doesn't know their names, but says they have strong bones, great smiles, white moustaches
(Some Drunk Guy)
Esquire picks 100 best bars in America. Submitter's fave, The Earl, in East Atlanta makes the list
Monaco, the second smallest country in the world after the Vatican, has decided to annex the ocean
Muslim man threatens to sue driving school for sending transsexual instructor. No word given on why he was so sure about... oh, there's a pic
(La Crosse Tribune)
Teen charged with posting nude pictures of 16-year-old girl on MySpace. When told by police he could go to jail for posting the photos, "his reply was, '(Expletive) that. I am keeping them up'"
McCain's chief media advisor quits rather than campaign against Obama
Photoshop this imminent fail
Pit bull saves owner from samurai-sword-wielding boyfriend. Your dog wants sake
A test of low calorie foods shows that restaurants are serving up a load of lies. No wonder America is getting fatter
Actual headline: "Hundreds of thousands in pot found at Sac. Intl." Last paragraph: "The street value of the drugs is estimated at $125,000." Thats some nice police math work there, Lou
Anti-war veterans barred from marching in National Memorial Day Parade. "Sad" tag trumps "asshat warmonger" tag
City: We're having a drought, stop watering your lawns. Homeowners: Hell no. City: We'll give you $1000. Homeowners:
Tue May 20, 2008
18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have, Or How A Writer Can Sound Like a Pretentious Douche
Obama wins Oregon; Hillary loses three oxen fording the river, and two members of her party have dysentery
State Assemblywoman stabs husband of 7 weeks in arm. And he has the balls (or lackthereof) to tell police he is actually just very clumsy and he did it himself after falling down some stairs into a cabinet. Yeah, that's the ticket
In an effort to prevent them from drinking too much on their birthdays, some states have outlawed serving 21-year-olds until 8 a.m. on their birthday
House passes bill requiring OPEC to sell oil to China instead of the United States
Man wearing hockey mask robs Orlando-area Piz-za-za, Hut-Hut-Hut
Homeowners, struggling with rising fuel prices, higher electric bills, falling house prices, now have new crisis to deal with: higher ammo costs
The roads will be jam-packed this weekend with people more eager to celebrate a paid day off than actually willing to memorialize those who've died in service of this country
Clint says Clinton might have a sudden impact on the campaign trail tells her to run the gauntlet any which way but loose in her pink Cadillac and she may yet beat the rookie. If not, she'll end up on heartbreak ridge
Not news: man in trouble for loud music at night. News: it's Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" set on repeat. Fark: he's 61 and British
After hundreds of years, Cornish speakers agree on how to speak their language. Pinta korev marpleg?
Remember that 2,000-pound anchor the Navy reported stolen? Turns out it only weighed 500 pounds and wasn't stolen at all
The new pet mini-pig is just as smart as a dog, and doesn't shed. But is it worth giving up bacon for?
Milk industry under investigation for price fixing, skimming 2% off the top
Ted Kennedy's prognosis? Chemo and radiation in an attempt to transfer the tumor out through his throat, through the arm of the TX governor and have it fall out on the stretcher
As god as my witness, a flying turkey crashed into the courthouse window
The 1996 bill Senator McCain introduced would have crippled his 2008 campaign
Five vestigial things you've got but don't need. Suck it, intelligent design
Controversy swirls around new treatments for ADHD have you seen my new bicycle "Ironman" rocked out I'm going to summer camp next week why does your face look like that my grandmother smells like caraway seeds
Photoshop the 225 Information Processing System
Iceland tops the list of most peaceful nations on the planet. The US scored 97th, just below Belarus, Cuba, South Korea, Chile, and Libya
In an effort to save money and be economical, woman spends 7.5K on a geo metro off eBay. Is also considering buying more to "flip" them
12-year-old boy gets drunk on his dad's beer and steals his dad's car to find a girl he met earlier at the rodeo. Then things reallly get weird
The story of Scotland is totally imaginary, only appears every 100 years
Court rules U.S. currency discriminates against the blind. Not sure what the U.S. Treasury will have to do, but we can probably rule out cash settlement
Media loses interest in "man caves", now focusing on "man drawers"
If you're a guy, and you get into a fight with another guy over a Mariah Carey song, it's time to hand in your Man Card
Now White House says Bush DID apologize for Quran burning
"Hello, 911? I'd like to report a robbery in progress." "Really? Or are you just trying to distract the cop that's about to write you a speeding ticket? ...Hello?"
Greenpeace wants rich countries to give poor countries $47 billion a year not to cut down their forests. Rich countries ask if they want that money delivered electronically or by elves flying magic unicorns
This weeks media focus over a $175 hamburger brought to you by The Wall Street Burger Shoppe
Final DC Quarter Design in. Carjacking, Glock Automatic and Politician smoking crack surprisingly miss final cut
Having spent his money on two divorces and enough steroids to turn a mouse into an elephant, Jose Canseco is now so broke he'll box anybody for money
Sen. Kennedy has brain tumor, superhuman liver
Ohio parents are complaining that a chaperone sealed students in their hotel rooms with duct tape during a high school choir field trip to Chicago
EPA Chief: I think it's a great idea to let states regulate tailpipe emissions Whitehouse:psst whisper psst. EPA Chief: by which, I mean it's a terrible idea and the EPA will not allow it
Stationery shop stocks Playboy bunny stationery on same shelf as Winnie the Pool and Mickey Mouse. Surprisingly, someone had a problem with this
Your snowflake no longer has to worry about getting zeros on schoolwork since 50 is the lowest score in the nanny state
Pilot and stewardess lose each other during sex in the woods. "Police found him hiding behind a shed wearing nothing but a wristwatch and flip-flops"
Weapons instructor shoots himself in the pants while demonstrating how to safely holster a pistol
Photoshop this desert television
Study finds teens use oral sex to preserve virginity less often than previously thought. Next up, study on how often teens lie in studies
"Official Boobie Inspector" has found himself in a handful of trouble
FEMA:"You have to get your floodwall inspected." Town: "Okay, we've got the money." Corps of Engineers: "Sorry, you have to use our money, and we don't have any to give you"
Iraq Prime Minister: Bush apologized for soldier desecrating Quran. White House: What the f*ck are you smoking? No he didn't
Suspect being chased by police leaps from his bike in a daring escape bid, lands on the hood of a patrol car
Maine's Legislature has once again approved the state's nuclear safety inspector job paying $71,000, which is kinda strange considering Maine hasn't had a nuke plant in over a decade
New York Governor Paterson hospitalized after discovering what a headache it is to run his state
Man solves problem of sky-high fuel prices by digging an oil well in his own backyard
Springtime in Indiana: the birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and a man gets caught leaving a crack house with two grenades in his pocket
Ah, America. Where "doing your Civic duty" and "what's in it for me?" come together in a happy chorus
Consumer satisfaction with airlines is rising, indicating that air travelers have moved into the "acceptance" stage of grief
Minnesota news crew covering controversial state funded Muslim school attacked by Muslim students. Hospital reports condition as severe cognitive dissonance
Man has hand hacked off during party altercation. Partygoers refuse to finger assailant. Police stumped
Being pregnant doesn't stop this man's man from mowing his lawn. The Sun is there
Angry Germans are invading Poland again
The surge worked so well we are deploying 7 more brigades so we don't drop below pre-surge troop levels
If you get drunk, it's a baaad idea for ewe to set fire to someone wearing a sheep costume, as you could get fleeced
Royal Caribbean: "Get a brain, Morans"
Dumb: Going to the gas station stoned. Dumber: Paying your tab with pot. Fark: There's a cop behind you
Smokers looking for jobs need not bother applying with Sarasota County
Is there any aspect of Britain left that does not resemble Terry Gilliam's movie "Brazil?"
Photoshop this red bocce ball and the pallino
Jeff Fenech says he would have been a better boxer if he wasn't having sex with five women a night. Tough call
A German family were left stunned when a rampaging bull burst through the back door of their house, charged around the living room, and then left by the front door. Status of china closet unknown
After Mother comes to school to confront son about his involvement in an armed robbery, he shoots himself in the leg three times to establish an alibi. Then, things get weird
To guard against West Nile Virus, Utah swiftly deploys elite group of guard chickens
Woman might lose her $51,000 home because of a $300 unpaid dental bill
Community rallies to support beheaded ant
Good news: Teenagers in Britain are developing bigger boobs. Bad news: They're boys
Mon May 19, 2008
Four ex-AOL executives reach plea deal with SEC, must surrender stolen money and perform 5,000 HOURS OF FREE SERVICE
Supreme Court upholds law making it illegal to convince someone you have child pornography to show them
How accurate is that breathalyzer test? Well, not so much. A judge has tossed out breath tests in 49 DUI cases and that could just be the tip of the iceberg
Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester, one year removed from beating cancer, throws a no-hitter against the KC Royals
Man clad only in pajama bottoms flags down cars looking for a ride to the hospital, two blocks from the hospital - and then it gets weird
Amateur mistake or the ultimate Cold War PSYOP? Recently declassified tapes reveal that instead of tracking a Soviet sub in 1982, the Swedish navy was actually recording a civilian charter boat. Or was it...?
Reporting from South Ossetia, which split off from the country of Georgia and was once part of the Soviet Union, but is not part of Russia now, and is not to be confused with North Ossetia, which is part of Russia. Got it?
Sandwich Rehab Hospital Cuts Jobs." No condiment from hospital spokesperson. Patients reassigned to Mayo Clinic
The first rule of scavenger hunts is don't talk about scavenger hunts. Especially if everything on your list must be stolen
59 Indians die after drinking tainted liquor, oooohhhhhh, tainted liquor, whoooooaaa, tainted liquor
San Diego blown by a Hilton
Photoshop this F-16
Flying penis disrupts Russian meeting. Penis (Not safe for work: helicophallus)
Car stereo too loud in Sarasota, FL? That'll get'cha towed and allow you to hear the old farts yelling at you to "get off their lawn"
UT versus Aggies rivalry to find a new, more peaceable venue than Texas sporting events: The Middle East
Hello. 911....Oh, your house is on fire? Call your city councilman
A lengthy discussion of the causes of, names of, and cures for the hangover. Subby's favorite cure: two Alka-Seltzers dropped in a double shot of tequila
Are you sick and tired of all the tsunamis, cyclones, earthquakes and wildfires? If so, you may have "disaster fatigue"
July 22, 1961: What life will be like in the year 2000
(A Very Slow Typist)
New keyboard design eliminates mistakes, typing
Eight child prodigies so amazing they'll ruin your day
How many squirrels does it take to disable air conditioning at Los Angeles International Airport? Yep, just one
Two beer fans have launched a video game named Place to Pee, which allows players to fly down ski slopes or kill aliens while relieving themselves at urinals
Man held on $10,000 cash bail for stealing $1.99 can of beer. Tells judge: I don't need a lawyer, I've been in this court more than you have
Not everyone is happy to see babies and children in bars. Especially the ones that throw darts
Arthur W. Burks has passed away. To all the farkers that think a Ph.D actually IN Philosophy is so useless. Think again, those people can end up changing the world
Because the Baby Boomers are retiring and Congress has promised them so much, you're on the hook for $500,000. Next time you see a senior enjoying your tax dollars at the casino, kick him
News: 2,000 pound anchor stolen from front yeard of Naval Reserve Station. Fark: it took four months before anyone noticed it was gone