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Sun April 16, 2006
(Lottery Post)
Self-professed "lotologist" has collected 250,000 lotto tickets. And up until now, you thought you were the owner of the most losing tickets in the history of the world
(Some Fundie)
"Thanks to rabid, vapid secularism, our public schools and universities would rather you be a Rocky Horror super freak than a Christian"
(GoSleepGo.com)
Photoshop this very very very very angry little kid
Armed gang steal boy's Easter eggs
(Some Guy)
Scientists are baffled as to how a cow laid an egg
Some simple ways to improve the country that will never happen
(Conn. Post)
Cool: TFer's buddy runs a 5k. Cooler: He does it in about an hour and 15 minutes. Fark.com: He had both legs completely amputated two years ago
Sean Hannity's support of Bush remains unshaken, predicts history will vindicate him
English drug-trial victim finds hands and feet turning black, falling off
Baghdad mailmen fondly recall those halcyon days when their biggest problem was getting bitten by a dog while at work
Man wonders why stamps of his wife topless are a flop at the post office
(Some Guy)
Tomatoes and carrots may lower asthma risk. it's getting them into that little inhaler that's the problem
(Zee News)
200-year-old cannon stolen from military barracks. Police on the lookout for people trying to buy cannon balls
(Some Guy)
Iranian president gets an anonymous text message suggesting he needs to bathe more often, proceeds to go on a mad firing spree
MoMA gives tours for Alzheimer's sufferers; cruelly just keeps taking them back and forth between same two paintings
(Some Guy)
OSU scientists say until Oregon utilities can figure out how electricity works, they'd be better off doing their research in Poland
(Pittsburgh Post Gazette)
A "modern-day Noah" has been building an unfloatable, 450-foot concrete-and-steel ark on top of a Maryland hilltop for the past 30 years
From the Excessively Strange Easter Programming Choice Department.: "Dr Money and the Boy with No Penis"
"Book 'em Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear."
While extinguishing a blaze, firefighters discover $700,000 worth of marijuana plants along with a profound fondness for Twinkies
(Some Candidate)
Photoshop some campaign propaganda for this farker's run for senior-class president
Drive-in movies making a comeback. Time to clean out your backseat
(NY Daily News)
Before calling the crazy homeless woman on the corner a cornball, make sure she's not armed with a switchblade
What better way to convince the police you've done nothing wrong than to set yourself on fire when they come to your house to discuss the unfounded allegations against you?
(Some Guy)
Woman can't leave Cuba because her brain is the patrimony of the state
Michigan minor-league ball team stages promotion that involves dropping $1,000 in cash from a helicopter onto the field. Related quote of the day: "Doctors said he got trampled pretty good"
"Regarding a potential motive, it appears to have been to kidnap a person, rape them, torture them, kill them, cut off their head, drain the body of blood, rape the corpse, eat the corpse, then dispose of the organs and bones"
Russian student pays mystics $160,000 to lift "curse." Police say on the positive side, she no longer appears to be cursed, but is still stupid
(Calgary Sun)
God will be wrestling Vince McMahon at next WWE event. No, really
(MosNews.com)
Man fails to remember how 10-centimeter nail got stuck in his head. (Warning: Slightly graphic picture of nail in head)
(Some Guy)
Easter never had a gastronomic delight to match a Thanksgiving turducken. Until now
(Democrat and Chronicle)
Jolt Cola prepares to make Red Bull tremble and shake
(Alright then, have a nap!)
What would the world be like if France NEVER surrendered?
(Time Magazine)
Dear fellow lacrosse team member, remember what we did to that stripper? Please respond via email. Sincerely, team member who is definitely not the Durham Police
(Shut Up, America)
Dear American traveling abroad: Settle down, shut up and quit acting like you run the goddamn place. Signed: The rest of the world
(Some Guy)
British reptile collector "categorically denies" throwing snakes at cops who came to his house on a dog complaint
(The Intelligencer)
If you're going to torch someone's car in revenge, at least make sure you know what they drive
(Some TFette)
Couple banned from girl's senior prom because her 21-year-old boyfriend is "too old." Kicker: he's a Marine who scheduled his leave just for her
(Some Guy)
Health authorities in Britain tell chefs to cook poultry to an internal temperature of 700C to ensure that any bird flu germs are killed. Typo-alarity ensues, but British diners don't notice any difference in the quality of their food
One mixed drink, or 1,200 40-ounce Olde English -- your choice
Every high school graduate should know the answers to these 10 science questions
(Some Guy)
Theme: Over-the-top advertising
Archaeologists recover fallen soldier from battlefield 92 years after his death
Arrest made in missing white girl case in Aruba. Not many details yet
(EnergyBulletin)
San Francisco becomes first major US city to pass a peak oil resolution
Germans banning English World Cup fans from their towns with string of excuses ranging from "They'll disturb the cows" to "their singing and chanting will disturb the young sensitive pine-tree culture"
(WRAL-TV)
Jesse Jackson say Rainbow/Push Coalition will pay Duke stripper's full college tuition...even if she's proven to be lying
(Mr Bubble)
Fire supression test goes bad, fills entire airplane hangar with fluffy white foam. LGT slideshow
Sat April 15, 2006
Name the one thing not usually found in a suitcase: a) Pants b) Long sleeved shirt c) One small deceased asian man
Normal: Guy gets fat from chocolate, News: Guy sues someone for bodily harm due to getting fat from chocolate, Fark.Com: He's trying to sue the easter bunny
(Some Guy)
British Antarctic Survey launches recruiting drive for people willing to work in environment colder and more devoid of life than even Glasgow
Chad threatens to stop oil supply, stop wearing Dockers
(Some Guy)
Caption this photo of Sec. of Def. Rumsfeld
(The State)
University official sends 1400 students' social security numbers to students
Welsh Mormon women knit sweaters for midget penguins contaminated by oil spills. With cute pic
George W. Bush wants to help the underpriviledged by keeping their taxes on capital gains and dividends low
(Florida Today)
Alligator that wandered into a car dealership captured. It would have been caught a lot sooner, but the wrangler kept leaving every five minutes to talk with his manager (with pic)
Q: Can they catch the person who's been dumping adult diapers on the side of the interstate? A: Depends
(ivanhoe.com)
Some genius has figured out goth teens are more likely to hurt themselves
86-year old Russian inventor of the AK-47 still going strong, discusses his legacy: "Every day in Baghdad the Americans use my weapons because theirs don't work very well there"
Washington DC's automated traffic enforcement is so aggressive, even Congress thinks the city is being greedy
(Radio New Zealand)
New Zealand council giving away bunny burgers and sausages this weekend to get across their message about the rabbit rampage. Happy Easter
Eight navy soldiers caught faking marriage to get housing benefits. Your seaman wants a real wife
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this guy showing off his balancing skills
(Some Guy)
Three year old gives her daddy to the cops after being told by her mommy and daddy to never tell a lie
Los Angeles officials can't arrest homeless for sleeping on the street until it can provide a bed for every homeless person to sleep in, court rules
(Idaho State Journal)
Man forgets to buy permits before diverting river into his backyard. Neighbors unamused as hilarity ensues
(Some Guy)
Prisoner sews lips together to avoid testifying at robbery trial
(kfor.com)
University of Central Oklahoma to be powered totally by wind. See, those professors are good for something
(Cult News)
Americans twice as likely to view Islam favorably than Scientology. Tom Cruise envious of Bin Laden's recruiting ability
Good: A one-stroke lead in a professional golf tournament. Bad: Doing so with a painful affliction. Fark.com: it's a boil on your groin, and the media won't shut up about it
Cheerleaders banned from baring midriffs because it might make teenagers feel uncomfortable about their weight. Still no midriff top ban for fat chicks
(Some Guy)
The science of a star exploding within a star
Study finds playing video games as good for your health as walking or cycling
If everyone on the planet had a similar lifestyle to the typical American it would take 5.3 planet Earths to sustain it
Gangs now using internet to deliver threats. Apparently, "hip-hoperas" were just too inefficient
(Fox Sports)
Insane people are becoming more physically fit, running in crazy ultramarathons
(Everett Herald)
Thief pawns package for $300. A better negotiator would have held out for the full $1.7 million
(HamHigh)
City councilperson accidentally sends email to community activist calling him an, "xxxx." Community activist: "This email is abusive, 'xxxx' could be taken to mean all sorts of things but I don't think it is complimentary"
(Xinhua)
Beijing demands that retailers stop selling naked computers. Also thinks that slave hard drives are obscene
Graphite may be basis of new technology. Older Farkers smirk and make incomprehensible jokes about the enduring value of the ol' HB data-entry system
Boston rolls out new "gift card for guns" program to get guns off street, because "cash for guns" program led people to use the cash to buy newer guns
Army soldier deliberately overeating so that he'll become too fat for the Army and get discharged before his planned deployment to Iraq
(Some Guy)
US secret plan to invade Canada. How aboot that?
(KTVU)
Man with big-ass sword: 0. Cops with tasers: 1
(Some Women's Mag)
Over half of the men who buy deluxe 'sex dolls' work in IT. Is it the dead eyes, the rubbery skin or the unusual smell that turns these dolls on?
Angry alderman claims Chicago election train wreck could be part of a Venezuelan conspiracy to subvert American elections
NYC bomb squad blows out vehicle windows because of stereo equipment. Marks first time in history that windows were blown out prior to stereo installation
(LSJ)
Fare asks harmonica playing cabbie to meet him at back door of venue. Fare turns out to be Ben Folds and puts him on stage at sold out MSU concert
(Forbes)
Snake robots could aid in rescues, help Hollywood find ideas for bad movie sequels
Actor portraying Jesus in passion play gets hurt after falling off the cross and bonking his head. Romans blamed
Bushes pay $187,768 in taxes for 2005. Itemized deduction for George Bush's soul, which was sold to PNAC, listed at $176.34
(Wikipedia)
Wikipedia considers deleting Ric Romero article because internet memes aren't notable. Ric Romero plans to shoot lasers out of his eyes, make all our bases belong to him
(Some Guy)
Photoshop these potting masters
(wftv.com)
Surfer invents neat-o dog collar. Dude, your dog totally wants one
Massachussetts man arrested for multi-state glass-eating scam. Now there's a phrase that has probably never been typed before
(Gwinnett Daily Post)
Mother who doesn't want her kids to read Harry Potter demands school remove it from library
(Some Guy)
Over 10 million American households still keep their money under the mattress, and the Government is pissed
(Apple Insider)
Apple shows its evil side by making a nine year old girl cry
NASCAR pit crews explaining to United Airlines ground crews the finer points of efficient maintenance of vehicles, what exactly a catch can man does
(Sky News)
Skeletor pic of frog-eating lost Outback guy. Crikey That bloke needs a Vegemite Sandwich
(Billings Gazette)
Arkansas Teacher Retirement System puts its foot in its mouth when typo sends retirees to foot fetish phone sex line
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this malformed snowman
Seven out of 10 British children receive pocket money, with the average being about $12 a week
Fri April 14, 2006
(Pacific Daily News)
Air Force base commander orders three days of alcohol abstinence. The MPs and local police brace for Day Four
Mission Space claims another, racking up higher kill per year ratio than NASA, Mickey heard grumbling something about needing another 2 mousketeers
London "congestion charge" causing an unintended consequence - a huge increase in stolen license plates as drivers try to beat the system
Nukes in hand, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmacrazyguy threatens Israel with "anihilation." WW IV starts in Teheran
Latest fashion trend: Live cockroaches
(Some Reefer Madness Part Deux)
1967 anti-marijuana PSA that refers to the evil weed as 'maryjane'. No pianoes were played madly in the making of this ad
New devices can generate energy from the movement of your body
(Some Guy)
25 Most Bizarre Jobs
(Some Guy)
16 states impose an iTunes tax
(Newsnet5)
Man breaks into 9-year-old girl's bedroom. Girl knows judo. Boo-yah
Baby walruses cry out for your mercy as North Pole melts
Man plans on auctioning advertising rights to his '97 Dodge Neon, then hurling vehicle off a cliff. If he strapped Carrot Top inside, he could be a billionaire
Indigenous Colombians' coca soft-drink selling like crazy; very well could be their ticket to literally hundreds of dollars a year
(Some Guy)
Jerry Nickel built the world's first wooden Cadillac with two engines
(Independent Traveler)
How to sleep on a plane. Snakes mysteriously not mentioned
Senator Durbin proposes bill for Oil Companies to lower sky rocketing oil prices. Fark proposes bill of getting 2 chicks at one time. Whose bill will get passed first?
Marching for their rights is no longer something Americans are willing to do, even for $50 an hour
Didn't get that job you wanted? Maybe it's because of how you treated the waiter
Dick Cheney was paid more by Halliburton than by the US Government
(Columbus-Ledger)
Living every man's dream, dude sues Hooters for sexually harrassing him. Lucky SOB
(Toledo Tales)
Local cop misses days of "Endless Ass-Kicking"
Programmable soda bottle lets you pick your own flavor combination, sugar content, and caffeine level
FEMA blames itself in report that includes 38 recommendations such as not turning trucks full of food and water away from starving victims
(KNWA)
Have a dispute with a County Judge - - park a bulldozer on his newly built road
(Failed Success)
A history of sugar-induced coma or how Marshmallow Peeps came to rule the world
(Some Guy)
Photoshop these curious ducks
Crackpot Scientist reports that comet fragment is going to hit the earth in May. In other news, out of work french air traffic controller asks world to surrender
(WHNT)
We may not be able to secure our ports or borders but at least Morgan and Lawrence counties in Alabama are prepared for a terrorist attack
Bill Cosby urges parents to take a more active role in raising their children. There will be an uproar about this at some point, but no one's quite sure why, or who would oppose that
Delta pilots reach agreement. Your next flight is piloted by a guy who just took a paycut
(Some Guy)
Fayettville police run ads featuring names and photos of fugitives they're searching for And "Anthony Porter" is close enough to "Anthony Parker" for government work
(theaustralian)
Good Friday arrives just in time for PETA's latest attention whoring protest with a crucifix
Teen who faked her kidnapping "didn't do it for attention" and "that it's difficult for our kids to maintain that expectation of perfection", especially when it comes to perfection in faking a kidnapping
Court says it's OK to secretly videotape women undressing and rubbing lotion on their breasts. In other news, applications to Salem State College are up 300%
(Forbes)
How are fetuses like Chuck Norris? They can stay inside women for up to 9 months and neither feels any pain
Software Engineer named best job in America. Worst job remains "assistant crack whore"
(WLNS)
Today's kindergarten teacher who resigns after duct taping two kids together brought to you by Saginaw, Michigan
(Danvers Herald)
Kicking your girlfriend is a bad idea if she knows you've been downloading kiddy porn
That guy who said global warming was a "junk science story"? Now: Chernobyl "not that bad."
(Industry Week)
Where do taxes come from and where do they go?
(LVRJ)
Drunk FBI agent who passed out behind the wheel, jumped a curb and had to be pulled from the burning vehicle sues Chrysler and the guy who sold him the truck. Truth, Justice and the American Way
(Daily Iowan)
Iowa Tornado Aftermath: If you're friends with the guy who told the paper, "all my friends ran up and started taking liquor" the police would like to have a word with you
(Some Greek Guy)
Photoshop this big urn
(Esquire)
The ideal age at which a well-informed sense of style finally agrees with the level of the American man's disposable income: Thirty-five. Pre-thirty-five, you have no money. Post-thirty-five, you have kids. And no money
(LG2 Fizz Website)
Chicago Fark Party: Saturday June 3rd at Fizz. Will Drew show up to this one? Come and find out
Ten perks you're not getting. Your dog wants insurance
NYC cat rescue attempt enters 12th day. City employee hours, fancy equipment, trashing a historic building all continue to save a cat. Meanwhile, at the pound
The government is trusted to raise taxes and fight wars, and once again proves itself incapable of delivering mail within a 50-year timeframe, even when the address is on it and everything. Spengler predicted this
Study carried out at Scottish speed-dating event finds that most successful chat-up lines include "What's your favourite pizza topping?" and "Fancy a pint?"
In a moment of crystal clear logic and sanity, man beats his girlfriend to death with a microwave for not heating his sandwich
(Decatur Daily)
Accident between farm machinery and highway machinery creates new hybrid: the tractor-trailer-tractor
Man who saved 60 from the floods of Katrina, also saved some heroin and guns from the waters
Man tests new cell phone cam under doors of department store dressing rooms -- arrest ensues (with mug pic)
(NewsNet5)
White girl wins the "Blackest Sorority Member" award. Hilarity ensues
(reason.com)
Political blogs aren't putting "old media's" feet to the fire, they're just breeding partisan asshats
(icv2.com)
San Bernadino County libraries ordered to remove all copies of scholarly book on history of Japanese comics, after receiving one complaint from teenager's mother
(Some Guy)
Katie Holmes's baby will not receive a Catholic baptism. That holy water would probably have just burned it, anyway
Mexicans to boycott US businesses on May 1, country expected to lose $37.00 in revenue
San Francisco said to be unprepared for "the big one", unlike many of its more colorful residents
(Some Guy)
Drew will be on the Trail 103.3 with Scott Hawk in Missoula, MT around 9:10 AM MDT
(Post-Gazette)
Penn State Republican students planned a "Catch an Illegal Immigrant" Day. Hilarity ensues
Moving up from 8 cent tax bills, bailiffs raid disabled woman's home over parking tickets
Coca-Cola invades NYC with thousands of sample bottles of "Coke BlaK," the new soda that promises to...well, taste somewhat like coffee
(Private mcFly)
US Marine Corps develop the ultimate weapon: Urban Combat Skateboard. Skate or Die, soldier
NORAD, that nifty cold war operations center buried inder thousands of feet of granite in Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado,could be decommissioned in the near future. You just know Wal-Mart has their eye on that place
Sky falls, breaks roof at a Southern California university
(Some Couch Potato)
Photoshop this hurdle jumper
(Some Jetson)
Car catches some air, jumps 10-foot fence and lands on airport runway
(agapepress.org)
God delays plan to smite public schools
(Go Figure)
500 people line up in Laramie, Wyoming for free infected elk meat
(BadJocks)
New Wonderbra? $47, 6 Inch Hooker Heels? $86, Forced to do a keg stand in a dress? Priceless (pics)
5c00P1N9 r1C R0|\/|3r0, 5c077 \/\/ahl3 d15C0\/3r2 l3375p33K
Experts are working on alcoholic drinks that will get you horribly drunk, without the hangovers, nausea, memory loss, depression, aggression or liver damage
Construction worker peers into open elevator shaft, thinking to himself, "Surely this won't be the exact moment an elevator car comes hurtling down upon me." Cleanup on the ninth floor
(Some Guy)
The best pizza in my area... who has the best pizza in the USA
MTV launches new reality program following a pro skateboarder you've never heard of and his roommate. And you'll watch it, by God, or MTV will run Andy Milonakis reruns 24/7 until you comply
(Billings Gazette)
If a teacher driving her car east at 102 miles an hour speeds past the same grumpy motorist five times in one month, how long will it take for the cops to get tipped off and set up a speed trap especially for her?
Thu April 13, 2006
If you have the technical papers that prove AT&T were in fact helping the NSA spy on Americans, AT&T would like to speak with you
"By belonging to the goth subculture, young people are gaining valuable social and emotional support from their peers"
(Some Guy)
Photoshop these Sioux cheerleaders
(farktography)
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 49: "Spring is in the air." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post
Scientists develop new handheld cocaine detector, would like to test device in the field but so far White House refuses to comply
(Fox Sports)
Sport's Top Ten Blow-ups. Soccer omitted because let's face it, there isn't enough room
Moussaoui takes stand again, makes case for his being subjected to most prolonged, painful death possible
Municipal workers in Nokia, Finland forced to switch entirely to mobile phones, learn English phrase "Where you at?"
(AL.com)
Asshat college students who confessed to burning down rural churches have changed their minds and now say "suck it" with a not-guilty plea. PMITA federal pokey says reservations still good and they will leave a light on for them
Honda to cut production of Hybrids. Smug level expected to drop dramatically
Gigantic freaky head to be returned to Easter Island. Oprah was apparently done with it
(Some Guy)
David Blaine to do another stupid stunt that no one will care about. This time underwater
(Some Heroes)
Restaurant famous for giving wounded soldiers free meals may have to close due to giving soldiers free meals
(hometownannapolis)
Man aquitted of all charges in bizarre hosing/sodomy/sexual assault case
(firefox)
Wheeee ad for Firefox. Not a sponsored link, just made us laugh
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this sponge scrutinization
(Some Guy)
Short of ideas on what to appropriate next from Western culture, Japan ponders whether Jesus lived in northern Honshu
Former Humane Society boss obtained 3,600 Vicodins for her dog. Your dog wants "Dark Side Of the Moon" on the stereo, a sixie of Bud Light and a few hours to just kinda chill, dude
Native protestors, who don't look like they are 185, claim they never agreed to sell their land in 1821
A bad way to toilet train a child is to glue her to the seat
Man takes hostage in Baltimore police station, effectively cutting out the middle man of having a cop drive him to jail
From the Slow News Day Department: David Lee Roth's radio show is circling the bowl and leaving streak marks on the way down
(Macon Telegraph)
The 101 best screenplays of all time, including "Casablanca," "The Godfather," "Chinatown" and... "Groundhog Day"?
Public outcry over 82-year-old's walking citation goes to wrong police department
Mastermind hid $42,000 in trash bag, then hid trash bag in trash can. Guess what happened
American businesses not saving money by outsourcing jobs. Will try 1,000,000 monkeys at 1,000,000 typewriters next
Gamers smoke pot and get hammered... Or only think it's okay, same difference
Kyocera markets cellphone to kids with strip-poker game pre-loaded
Proving that Boulder, CO is 50 square miles surrounded by reality, woman gets arrested for installing a garage door on her home
College students given algebra prep test including formula "Condoleezza + Watermelon" The answer is not "Hilarity," and The Smoking Gun is there
Media-endorsed Outrage of the Day: Several immigrants fired from their jobs after skipping work to attend immigration protest
Best Buy's "Geek Squad" accused of pirating software. Sounds like they forgot how to use the easy button
(baltimoresun.com)
Afghani shopkeepers selling stolen computer drives containing classified military assessments of enemy targets
Lovely couple from Pasco wins lottery, gets $666,000 a year in payouts, and goes to jail for not paying taxes on the money. With mullety mugshot goodness
(Newsnet5.com)
Helpful hints for selling your house: Spruce up the landscape, put a fresh coat of paint on the interior, oh and remove the meth lab set up in the closet
(Boston Phoenix)
Peeps star in microwave jousting games, porn and even snuff films: "You will be... brûléed." Yeah, we see this every year, still funny
(Not Drew)
Toronto Fark Party -- April 22nd, 7:00 p.m. Drew to be in attendance. LGS, DIT, VE, OMFG
(Some Guy)
Man who found fiberglass Chick-fil-A cow after a storm rewarded with one year of chicken sandwiches, although burgers made from the cow would probably have been just as tasty and a lot less fatty
Oakland to install sophisticated gunshot location microphones in some of its most violent neighborhoods to slow rising murder rate, give Raider fans a few new targets to plink off
Celebrate Jack Chick's birthday the Fark way, photoshop his tracts. Difficulty: No "Came upon" Mary jokes
(Some Drunkard)
Texas ABC now understands "Die in a fire"; stops arresting people for drinking in bars the week before the Legislature reconsiders its funding
Canada to name a mountain after the late Prime Minsiter Pierre Trudeau. One can only hope it sticks up in between four smaller peaks, so he can give the finger to the world for all eternity
(Some Guy)
Sophisticated theft-deterrent systems on modern cars that make vehicle inoperable without a key are causing thieves to give up stealing them. Just kidding -- they're now breaking into houses so they can steal the keys to them
Boston wants to improve traffic by dropping a one-ton bronze pear in the middle of an intersection
Danish researchers eat Chicken McNuggets in 20 countries to test trans-fats content, local plumbing. (NYC nuggets 30 times fattier than Denmark nuggets)
(Some Guy)
Jack Chick turns 82 today. Happy birthday, whackjob
Iceland has the highest concentration of broadband users in the world, despite the conspicuous absense of a single Bjork sex video
(China Daily)
Chinese village prepares banquet for cats that did the jobs of the dead snakes that ate the rats that ate the crops that fed the people in the houses the villagers built
(NIU)
College offers college credit for porn class. In related news, Handel's "Messiah" spontaneously begins playing on PCs nationwide
(Roanoke.com)
Turns out Boy Scouts aren't prepared when renewing domain names. Troop site now points to porn
Spot check on airline pilots in Mumbai turns up one drunk and one flying in a t-shirt because his only uniform was at the cleaners'
(Some Argyle)
Photoshop these shallow marauders
Hate rats? Hate maggots? Meet Cape Town's rat-tailed maggots
(Andrew Sullivan)
New editor of Out denies vicious straight rumors, insists that he's "very definitely gay"
(Spiegel Online)
Danish TV station tries to repair Muslim-Christian relations by airing show with atheist and Muslim woman presenting, succeeds in pissing off usual suspects yet again. Apparently, Danish TV sets don't have OFF switches
(Bexley Times)
Thieves steal staircases from mobile breast unit. In related news, new politically correct term for women introduced
Purse-snatcher runs away from the scene of the crime, and right into a police dispatch center
Meet Steve Jones, the real-life father of the two behind the Steve Lightspeed online-porn persona
(Enquirier)
Local asshat activist shot in front of courthouse by even bigger asshat
(Mickey News)
Man sued by Disney for downloading TWO films; scorned by friends for watching "Sweet Home Alabama"
Hey, Minneapolis. That homeless illegal immigrant you raised money for so he could go back to Mexico was found breaking into a Boston home and armed with a knife. You can have him back now
Al-Qaida's No. 2 guy releases video. Officials say it is disturbing, but still more entertaining than anything by Kevin Federline
Nothing says Tennessee like a hot ex-teacher busted for putting up a MySpace page pledging to wait until "victim" is age of consent
Scientists find a hurricane they missed last season, bringing the total to 28
Police release picture of the suspect who shot Julius Hodge of the Denver Nuggets. It's a tire
(Some Guy)
Kansas Board of Education member risks noodly wrath by demanding removal of FSM picture from classroom
Attention whore North Korea threatens to boost nuclear arsenal. Marshmallow sales expected to rise
Tasmanian company obtains license to use hemp in its dog biscuits. Your dog can't remember what it wants, man
(The News Today)
Holy week in the Philippines: A great opportunity to sit back and realize the religious zealots in your own country aren't really that bizarre, in context
(Some Munchkin)
Just in time for Easter: The Jesus "Wizard of Oz" dress-up page
Dumb: Soaking your pants with gas while siphoning someone's tank. Dumbass: Flicking a lighter to see how much gas got on your pants. Fark.com: You're stealing the gas from a firefighter's car
(Some Guy)
Vote for the World's Ugliest Dog. Those are some intensely ugly-assed dogs
Girl's heart restarted after 10 years
(swtimes.com)
TFer Gunboat sues local gas utility, challenges shady practices of the Public Service Commission
(Some TFer)
Theme: Little known historical bloopers
Bailiff sent to grandmothers house over her unpaid taxes. Of around eight cents
New hydrogen-powered motorcycle with silent motor hits the market, just in time for you to get beat up at Sturgis with it
(Some Guy)
With a name like Bangs, it's only right that you be arrested for having a 500-pound bomb
(Billings Gazette)
Man busts his dog out of the pound because he can't pay $125 fine. Collared by police, he's in the doghouse after judge unleashes two felony counts
Wed April 12, 2006
(Some Guy)
Sports gear from Nike and other companies is cool and stylish, but it's not bulletproof
Gaza International airport maintains a full staff of ground crews, baggage handlers and other workers even though a plane hasn't landed there since 2001. And you're paying part of their salaries
(Some Cat Person)
Rescuers use drills, miniature cameras, cat food and even a one-pound raw fish in effort to save kitten trapped for 12 days. Your dog wants free stuff too and is hiding in the basement
Colorado governor vetos bill requiring nutritious food in schools, saying kids prefer junk food
Life in Florida continues to be an adventure, with the latest problem for residents being Burmese pythons that grow as big around as telephone poles
Surprisingly, paid studies most often come out in favor of the one who paid for it. Submitter hereby decides to sponsor a study to determine whether he's the awesomest
(WorldNetDaily)
Zogby poll shows protests by illegal aliens backfiring among likely U.S. voters. Also indicates El Caminos backfiring as they cruise across border
(Some Guy)
From the Vault of Great Ideas: College chicks not wearing clothes until demands are met. Looks like there's some ass in one of the pics, possibly NSFW
Doctors develop MRI test to detect depression, since frowns, tears and livejournal sites weren't obvious enough
Photos of the Florida public-sex couple. The Smoking Gun is there
Execution halted because lethal injection might be painful
(Findlaw)
The "Gay Games" coming to Illinois. Competition to be pretty stiff in the "clean and jerk," and "pole vaulting" is gonna be a little bit different
(World Views)
White people are using DNA testing to claim affirmative action entitlements
Chris Farley will "live" on in anti-addiction drug billboard. Photoshop another celebrity plugging from beyond the grave
Twenty-five percent of the Earth's species could face extinction by 2050, and there's nothing Bruce Willis or Ben Affleck can do to save them
Oh, the huge manatees
Asshat students make fake MySpace gay pr0n site in teacher's name. Soon to have their own spaces on not-so-fake Convicted Felon site
Just a week after Playboy launched in Malaysia, an Indonesian woman claims to be the first to fall victim to the "I'm a Playboy photographer" pickup line
(Andrew Sullivan)
New editor of Out magazine is a straight guy, making the check-out-the-new-intern conversations that much more awkward
(JournalStar)
Ho hum: Man assaulted, loses consciousness. Titillating: Man regains consciousness, discovers pants around ankles. Fark: Man shows up at hospital four days later where they discover a 20-ounce bottle in his lower intestine
(Gizmodo)
Proof that rich people are teh stupid, for only $399.00 a month, you can have an "@millionaires24.com" email address
Ric Romero discovers credit cards with zero-percent interest rates come with a catch. "Obvious" tag beams with pride
Dead rapper fired first shot. George Lucas's biopic on the singer already in the works
Indie film sweethearts Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhaal expecting child. Plan to name him Aaron Canaan Sarsgaard-Gyllenhaal
Gasoline prices rise due to... *throws chicken entrails*... political turmoil in Nigeria
(WCVB)
Hot teacher decides to forgo sleeping with students, instead busted for faking cancer (with pic of teacher)
Man barred from bank after man held impromptu showing of "Snakes In A Bank"
(Some Northwesterner)
Oregon: Where being endorsed by the FART is something worth bragging about
Volkswagon Golf to be re-renamed Rabbit
Paypal feels the cold touch of the rubber glove from the IRS
Dutch police confiscate saxophone from street-corner musician who played badly off-key. "Dutch Idol" contestants immediately go into hiding
(E&P)
New Orleans parish hardest hit by Katrina wants to hire the man who was second-most at fault for the hurricane: "Brownie." Your dog wants something that makes some sort of sense
Good news for Farkettes and cross-dressers: You can now lose weight, attract men, stop smoking -- just by eating your lipstick. Farkers advise not sharing this cosmetic with your cat
Old celebrity attends own Walk of Fame ceremony in nothing but a red T-Shirt
Texas man ruled ineligible for execution due to mental illness ordered by judge to take anti-psychotics so he can be executed
One of the Pointer Sisters has died. No, not Diana Ross, the other one. No, not that one, the other other one
Indian state reverses its ban on "strippers," who wear full-length saris and expose only their midriffs as they gyrate to raunchy music, putting the region only 100 years behind the West in the sexual revolution
Developers snatching up trailer parks, leaving hordes of mulleted Camaro-driving rednecks homeless
(Some Tech Blog)
Google, Ebay and Amazon to AT&T: Suck it. We'll build our own network
Mom leaves one-month-old son to see the softer side of Sears for 90 minutes. Jailarity ensues
(Mumbai Mirror)
Porn star offers herself to Bin Laden, probably because no one else will tap her anymore. God knows I wouldn't
ABC liquor stores in North Carolina institute policy that forbids gossip in liquor stores. Bessie Mae surrenders
Man claims he stabbed the guy with a spear during a bar fight out of self defense, leading to the question, "Why did you bring a spear to the bar?"
Norwegians stocking up on true crime books for a national tradition known as "Easter Crime"
New Colin Farrell movie to include synchronised smells. Thankfully, it's not his sex tape
(Courant.com)
You can no longer legally ejaculate on somebody's face without their consent in Connecticut
(Bloomberg)
Apple could make a ton of money by selling porn on iTunes, says Captain Obvious McPervmeister
(KUTV)
Utah school thinks they booked "The Daily Show's" Jon Stewart -- instead, mistakenly hires a part-time professional wrestler from Chicago to host fundraising gala
Couple arrested while spicing up sex life, at 2:30 a.m., against car in parking lot, with crowd watching
Fark.com, proud pisser-offer of the media world
(WSMV)
Tennessee legislature considering making the consumption of a common hallucinogenic landscaping plant illegal. In other news, there is a common hallucinogenic landscaping plant
Cletus and Britney's young-un' dun falled off his high-chare
Wall Street brokers made millions by reading financial magazines before they were published. Your dog wants small-cap hype
Space probe photographs smiley face on Mars as those Martians try to lull us into a false sense of security
Man who provided sperm for in-vitro fertilization so woman could have child now being sued for child support
(deseret news)
Physics professor thinks thermite was present in WTC collapse, gives interesting reasons
Man pinched for staying at manga cafe for 34 days without paying bill
Man arrested for spanking his daughter with a belt
Clerk defends store by throwing cash at robber. Apparently they're not teaching self-defense like they used to
(WTOP)
Sensing a rising threat to the region, U.S. Navy sends carrier group to Caribbean, calling it "Operation Margaritaville"
Cute ugly-ass baby seal popular at aquarium
Playboy's exposure in Indonesia is a bust
Couple fakes having six children without the aid of fertility treatments to get free things
(Some UGA Ninja)
Actual headline: ATF rids university of ninja threat
This year's Boston Marathon will feature two jogglers. That's right, juggling while jogging for 26.2 miles. In other news, all new sports have offically been invented
If you go to the zoo and see an elephant, please do not feed it cookies deep fried in coconut oil, chocolates, rice cooked in thick milk and fermented slices of sweet pineapple
(NJ 101.5)
Increasing sales tax, banning smoking and jacking up liquor tax is a perfect recipe to screw restaurants. Why does New Jersey hate the working man?
(Boston Herald)
"A full-length, fully aroused nude photo" of Neil Entwistle is "now officially part of the investigation" into the murder of his family
(Some Guy)
Photoshop the South African Large Telescope building
Autopsy confirms that police officer's death a direct result from cleaning up World Trade Center site. "Scary" and "Sad" tags sit in fear of more reports like this
Vandal armed with a beer bottle bring into question the validity of the term "eternal flame" at Melbourne's Shrine of Remembrance
(Some Guy)
Experiment: Replace ordinary eggs in cake recipe with Cadbury Creme Eggs. Hypothesis: THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME
Molly Ringwald will guest-star on the NBC series "Medium," in which star Patricia Arquette will attempt to commune with the spirit of her long-dead career
(Some Pre-BLEEP Ad)
Car salesman loses his mind on live, late-nite 1972 commercial spot, verbally tears rival dealership a new bunghole (NSFW language)
Arrested teenage girl admits to making over 1000 prank phone calls to 911, telling dispatchers several times "you can't catch me." Karma is a cruel, cruel mistress, young lady
(Me Again)
Photoshop theme: Reincarnation
Kentucky set to outlaw Internet hunting. Internet trolling, sniping still legal
(Stars and Stripes)
Minister links hip-hop to Satan, claims heavy metal started it all, when everybody knows it started with disco
Immigrants fired after attending immigrant protest after being warned not to stage immigrant protest over being fired
(Some Guy)
Utah judge sends a dog lover to jail for having too many pets, then suggests she shoot the extras. Good thing she wasn't charged with having too many kids
Cameras banned from Carlsbad Caverns, to stop bats from smashing into trees, which was one of the only reasons anyone goes to Carlsbad Caverns
Bosnians carving everything into pyramids on rumor that Europe's only pyramid is right under their feet
(Some Guy)
China develops their own communist BlackBerry called... the RedBerry
Tue April 11, 2006
After 43 years laying low in Corleone, Sicily, top mob boss Bernardo (The Tractor) Provenzano betrayed by his laundry. He knows it was you, tighty whities. You broke his heart. You broke his heart
(Energy)
Apparently, the cities with the best public transportation are the best prepared for an oil crisis. Whoda thunk it
Patch Tuesday - - Microsoft release megapatch to repair megaflaws on its browser
Bausch and Lomb contact lens solution tied to serious eye fungus. Get teh eye bleach
(Las Vegas Sun)
Burglar attempts clean escape by taking six surveillance cameras with him, apparently unclear on the concept that those cameras were connected to something called a VCR
(Daily Telegraph)
Two arested for stealing ugly assed baby meerkat from zoo
(Some NASA Guy)
And I'll hug him, and kiss him, and call him Planet George
(Some Guy)
10 mistakes made by the newly self-employed
Hoping to reignite the cold war, Russia lays out plans to beat the U.S. back to the Moon and to Mars
Library of Congress releases list of 50 recordings that will be preserved for future generations. Included on list is Fats Domino with "Blueberry Hill", and Sonic Youth with... whatever they did that was so special
(Some neo-Victorian)
Prude writes prudish review of 10 worst nudity moments in film--Sharon Stone is #1, 9 Songs curiously not on list
Theme: Photoshop a new Total Fark tag. Difficulty: Drew's not going to put down his beer long enough to resize your entry, so keep it close to the original size
Hundreds of Paris students hold victory march, then immediately surrender
Canada considers copying US organized crime laws, in case they ever have crime
Italian incumbent prime minister who swore to abstain from sex till the end of the election seems content to keep on whapping
What Secret Weapon helped us win WWII? The prune
Traffic spat leads to middle finger leads to tailgating leads to confrontation leads to man having heart attack leads to other driver leaving leads to death leads to hilarity ensuing
Virgin stewardess did not scream and panic while dropping 8,000 ft out of the sky
Muhammed Ali sells 80% share of his name to New York based entertainment firm CKX. Will henceforth only be known as Muha
Fourteen whooping cranes take temporary refuge in Chicago-area Dupage County forest preserve. So far they've been propositioned by six gay truckers, and had their wallets stolen twice
Weirdest USB gadgets that really have no purpose other than annoying those in the cubicles next to you
A cricket team forced by league to end sponsorship deal with chain of sex shops
(Bozeman Daily Chronic)
Man drops film off for processing, including one nicely framed shot of a full-grown marijuana plant growing in his house. Jailarity ensues
(Times Leader)
Man tells police about his stolen car and missing cocaine brick. Once story hits newspaper, he claims incident magically didn't happen. You say potato, I say bullshit
(WorldNet)
Cornell Biology Department to offer course on intelligent design. Two-month schedule starts with lecture on "Great Breakthroughs in Intelligent Design Research," followed by 59.5 days of lunch
Spears baby dropped on its head and Child Services comes to investigate. Find that the child finds it easier to understand his parents now
(Gainesville)
UF student's room is filled with Hot Wheels cars, now sees "for ages 3-6" label whenever entering room and driving past UF
D.A. to Duke lacrosse players: Keep sucking it -- who needs DNA evidence when I have the race card?
Fark's favorite rebels targets monkey-eating blowpipe-armed naked nomads
Advertising Standards Authority concludes that it's an "objectively determinable factual reality" that beans make you fart. Ric Romero seen taking notes
(Detnews.com)
Gas station owners are just barely squeaking by
(Some Guy)
Minneapolis Star Tribune stops giving free papers to staff to encourage them to read the online version. Mass theft of papers ensues
Kentucky Derby to sell $1,000 mint julep this year. To be fair, it does come with ice from the Arctic and is served in a gold-plated cup
DEA agent who shot self in foot sues over embarrassing video's release
Philip Morris sues over smoking baby
Man asks boys to perform lewd acts at Wal-Mart. Yes, the kids pants were half-off that day
Michael Keaton has nothing nice to say about pirates. I loved you in "Clean and Sobarrrrrrrrr"
Dick Cheney was on the receiving end of a shotgun blast himself in the late 1990s, says the White House Department of Flogging Dead Horses That Were Almost Publically Forgotten Until You Said Something
Iran said something about their nuclear program. Not sure what it was as their news conference was drowned out by the sound of Israeli war planes warming up
Cheeta, the chimp star of Tarzan movies of the '30's and '40's, celebrates 74th birthday with sugar-free cake, break from planning to invade Iran
