You might try our
Headline Search
for easier navigation here.
These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.
(Headline T-Shirts
are still available for archive links.)
Sun March 06, 2005
(Some Farkette)
Photoshop the Gates
Showing it has regained the normalcy that would not raise an eyebrow in Southern California, Iraqi woman goes on trial...for dognapping
You can't post opinions about your boss on the internet without repercussions
(Vancouver Island News Group)
Today's police tasering of a rampaging 80-year old brought to you by Victoria, B.C
(Some TFette)
Christian school: "Spank your child or he's suspended"
(Some Guy)
Wisconsin hunters want permission to hunt that most elusive wild prey: housecats
Intel's 100-core chip could power intelligent toilet
(Some Guy)
Anti-smoking pill could be next Viagra for drug companies, spammers
Climate change in Asia linked to flaming poo
What checkpoints in Iraq are like for both sides, and why they're so problematic
(WSOC TV)
Car thief discovers that stealing a Lexus is a lot easier when the car shop just hands him the keys
Septuagenarian couple in trouble after police find half a kilo of marijuana in their freezer
Man dismayed to discover that his splitting headache is the result of a 5-inch knife blade (with x-ray goodness)
Over its lifetime, owning a dog costs more than a luxury car
Two Washington men will attempt to drive a rocket-powered car faster than the speed of sound. Darwin scheduled to hold a press conference later this week
(APOD)
The coolest picture you'll see today: a panoramic view from the top of Mount Everest
(Some Guy)
Tall, dark and tattooed (not safe for work)
(Herald Sun)
Bavarian beer garden owner will be switching to plastic beer cups for this year's Ocktoberfest. "We cleaned up almost 26 tons of broken glass last year"
Undefeated no longer, Illinois loses to Ohio St. Duke sucks
Anonymous philanthropist outbids Ellen Degeneres, wins right to name new species of monkey. $650,000 winning bid will go to protect the habitat of newly-named Callicebus dynamitus
(Curiosa3D)
Photoshop TFarker mrlintner bringing a whole new meaning to "Casual Friday"
Aussie minister who refused to let family put flag on WW2 vet's coffin is run out of state
(Thatsracin.com)
"Pilotos, entienden sus motores." NASCAR racing comes to Mexico
As their data-collecting devices improve, global warming scientists are more sure than ever that we're in hot water
Sheep are rugged individualists, chickens are smarter than dogs, cows are canny tool-users and pigs are masters of deceit. George Orwell surrenders
(National Geographic)
Unusual radio waves detected coming from center of Milky Way. 4,8,15,16,23,42
Shot hostage thinks U.S. may have targeted her
Man arrested and jailed for overdue library books
Tired of seeing health care be decided on business terms, doctors buying out hospitals and giving care on their terms
Tennessee lawmakers propose strip club tax
(Some Guy)
From the suicide of Socrates to WWII, here are the firsthand accounts of people who were actually there
The David Copperfield of lemur illusionists is thriving in Florida
(Some Guy)
Travel agents bracing for rush of bookings to Mpumalanga after it announces plans to replace buckets with flush toilets in near future
Undersexed Japanese housewives being referred to hand-picked "sex volunteer corps"
Kansas Christians leading the fight to make U.S. a Puritan country
(Times of India)
"It's quite fascinating to watch a shapely woman with exposed abs and a belly button jewel gyrate in a film"
Iran warns US and Europe that any attempt at sanctions will result in an oil shocker
Doctor refuses to toe the line of big corporation medicine. Hilarity ensues
(WCCO Minneapolis)
Police K-9 who was suspended for biting a naked suspect in the groin is back on duty. Sale of protective cups up 287%
47 surfers catch the same wave at the same time...on the same 40-foot surfboard (with pic)
TV censorship across the world: No Pokemon for Saudi Arabia, no make-up for Turkmenistani news anchors, nothing at all on Thursdays in Iceland. "Helga And Heidi Do The Vacuuming Inexplicably Naked" still okay in Sweden
A job interview is not a date
(Disco Omega)
Photoshop this life of the party
When kids try to design video game characters
(Some Guy)
Your addictive Sunday morning flash game. A new spin on a classic
(ledger-enquirer.com)
Off duty flight attendent pleads guilty to leaving bomb note on aircraft
(Some Guy)
Library employees in California are under aerial attack
Latest expedition to the north pole includes a team determined to be the first to play cricket with polar bears
Fossil of world's oldest biped found in Ethiopia. Believed to be aunt of Joan Collins
(BocaNews)
Not content to follow the crowd, Florida teacher sleeps with 11-year old student AND the student's father
Jesus saves...up to 5% on people's auto insurance
(Some Gal)
Scientist thinks his wife will live to be 1,000 years old, says that aging can be cured. Doesn't really consider the ramifications of 1,000 years of nagging
Get those NCAA brackets ready, Winthrop, Eastern Kentucky and Central Florida earn bids into the big dance. Duke sucks
(Wildsilverfox)
Photoshop the "Mission Accomplished" banner in everyday situations
So long, and thanks for all the fish
(Some Guy)
Large gallery of assorted breasts (not safe for work)
Sat March 05, 2005
Virginia police arrest 8 year-old boy for throwing a tantrum at school
(Some Guy)
Behold: The USAF Top Secret Nuclear Powered Flying Triangle Thingy in all its glory. Oh yes, there are "pics"
Pilots decide to have a little fun and fly at the plane's maximum altitude. Discover the hard way why that's a really, really bad idea
Syrians to pull out slowly, delighting the Lebanese
Japanese woman tackles startled burglar after he tries to take her Louis Vuitton wallet
(Newton Tab)
Exploding duck injures boy (second story)
Newly-signed NFL running back steals laptop at airport, unable to break away from police tackle
(The Oregonian)
Russian wolfhound will be inducted into the Oregon Animal Hall of Fame after rescuing two tiny dogs from the surf. In other news, Oregon has an Animal Hall of Fame
Photoshop the CEO of Federated Department Stores. Difficulty: Not doing the "put something funny in his hands" trick
Greenspan calls for tax reform, pushes national sales tax
A behind-the-scenes look at how Google manages the terabytes of information they have
♫ The Home Secretary was my lover/now he's just some guy/ who says that he was the one/but the kid is not his son ♫
New research suggests that synesthesia actually helps with cognitive processes. It even offers an explanation for why some psychics sees auras around people
diddliddliddlidllidllWHOMMMMmmm....
Former state prosecutor leaves party at Chief State Attorney's house, promptly gets pulled over and busted for DUI, drug possession, and possession of a loaded firearm. Oops
What do a prostitution ring and a funeral home have in common? In Athens, Georgia, a lot more than you might think
Man with 253 traffic convictions gets nailed for driving without license for 71st time. The Sun is there (with pic)
British government encourages farmers to give the wildlife a sporting chance and shout "Bang!" before blasting away with their guns
(Computer World)
Wells Fargo web-enables 6,200 ATM's. What could possibly go wrong?
Russians split in their estimations of Joseph Stalin's role in history
(10 News)
Study: Bush budget means deficit of $2.5 trillion over 10 years. Total doesn't include war or Social Security overhaul
Dick back to upright status after stroke
Good samaritan stops for stranded motorists, hooks up their car, speeds off without them and smashes their car into a gas station. No really, no thanks are necessary
(NY Daily News)
Fred Durst files $80,000,000 lawsuit against websites for posting his sex video; no word on suit from victims seeking damages for seeing his O-face
(Some University)
Photoshop these excited cheerleaders
Police are worried about Taser's civilian model, because it is more powerful than their own model
(Some 419 Guy)
AudioEdit this scammer trying to get a Farker to send $7,000 to South Africa
Police pull over grandmother, notice that grandkids in the car aren't in car seats or even wearing seatbelts. Grandmother might have forgotten, as she was smoking marijuana at the time
Olympic skier suspended by her employer after nightclub sex brawl
Remember that $21 million art project that everybody complained was a waste of money? Well, it brought about $254 million to the NYC economy
(Milford Daily)
Stripper faces criminal charges for giving her boyfriend's 13-year old son a lapdance and showing him nude pictures of herself
Rash of canine "suicides" baffles experts. Your dog really doesn't know what it wants anymore
(News Journal)
Woman arrested for $0.96 in back taxes.
Congressman who suggested nuking Syria says he was "kind of joking"
(Some Guy)
MacGyvershop: Use these parts to solve a dilemma
Man caught speeding 19 times in one night
(KATU)
Throwback bikes with a single gear and no brakes catching on. Next up, cars with crank starters, steam-powered trains and black and white TVs with 12-channel knobs
Woman hoping Norway's king and queen will intervene to help her get a visa to attend the annual "Frozen Dead Guy Days"
Unemployed man can't take his situation anymore, burns his house down out of frustration
It's probably not a good idea for the new busdriver to ask the kids on the bus for directions
Lance Armstrong heads to France to begin training, because the smell cannot be replicated in the U.S.
Fri March 04, 2005
More seek help for marijuana addiction
(Some Guy)
Things other people accomplished when they were your age
(Halifax Live)
US troops in Iraq suffering increasing amounts of brain damage
Norwegian ski jumpers leap into trees for contest. "Oww, my balsa are in mahogany"
(Geek.com)
Email security company accidentally deletes thousands of customers' emails. On the upside -- technically speaking -- completely deleted IS pretty secure
Microsoft plans to release Windows for supercomputers by fall
(WSB TV)
Girl allowed to attend school as a boy after mother claims she has a "boy's brain." Guess that just means she leaves the seat up
In an effort to have a non-drug religious experience, man subjects himself to a headset consisting of a blindfold, magnetic coils, and a PC
British Airways 747 that lost engine on takeoff from LAX and continued 11-hour flight to UK does it again, although this time from Singapore
That teddy bear sitting in the corner of the child's room might look normal, until his head starts following the kid around
(Firehouse.com)
Thought that $10,000 air ambulance ride got you to the ER quicker? Think again
Hacker helps applicants break into records at prestigious U.S. business schools to see if they were accepted. In other news, Business Ethics 101 has been cancelled due to lack of interest
Star 'gnome' is nuclear surprise. Do not approach Europa
Germany's oldest man dies, claimed that drinking beer was the secret of his long life
(KOIN)
Businessman surprised to receive complimentary explosive dye pack from bank
(WJLA)
This weeks mercury spill brought to you by the fine folks that brought you last week's mercury spill, Washington, DC
Bush calls for an immediate end to the occupation of a Middle East country
Village that was submerged 35 years ago when a dam was constructed re-emerges due to drought
Maryland residents getting tired of living with Satan
retroCRUSH amateur pin-up of the month galleries (not safe for work)
(Wood and Vale)
Police unveil new hi-tech weapon in solving burglaries: invisible, liquid DNA paint
Terminally ill cancer patient survives fatal dose of drugs in doctor-assisted suicide attempt, wakes up after three-day coma and asks, "Why am I not dead?"
Coalition forces shoot newly-freed Italian hostage in her car, kill one of her bodyguards
Woman sees and tastes music, "and depending on the tone intervals a symphony could be bittersweet, salty, sour or creamy"
Photoshop theme: Famous people having a bad hair day
King of small country shuts off cell phone service to eliminate political activism - It's good to be King
Utah governor considers whether to require ISPs to block internet porn in Utah
(Daily Record)
New survey finds a child's smile is just as stimulating as receiving $30,000. Survey was conducted at Neverland Ranch
Scientists recommend to relax every time the boss is not in the office
(The Argus)
Congressman proposes Constitutional amendment guaranteeing all Americans a right to health care
Wathington propothing legithlathion that regulaths thongue pierthings
Apollo Conspiracy Theorists Running Out of Alibis
Woman finds snake in her jukebox. No, that's not a euphemism
(JAPAN)
Phase 1: Mannequins that move on their own. Phase 2 unclear, but Phase 3 involves a new world order
(Contact Music)
Paris Hilton and lover piss off entire Caribbean motel by furiously boinking all night
Top 11 tech tips
(Some Guy)
Casino can't axe their fatties, can still ostracize and demean them however
(Northwest Arkansas Time)
Arkansas courthouse loses hundred-year-old time capsule
Seven-year-old Maryland boy's number found on Paris Hilton's phone list
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)
Alaskan politico apologizes for saying that the Gwich'in people have been "invaded by the devil"
The moose always rings twice
(Wash Times)
AARP joins forces with MTV to stop Social Security reform, find dentures lost last night
Teacher pulls out knife, plunges it into stack of papers on student's desk
(Maverick)
On the off chance that you are ever called upon by your country to fly an F-16 to fight space invaders, here are some handy manoevers that even a crop-duster pilot could figue out
(RecordOnline)
Man warned by state police to stop making prank calls to their station. Man responds by immediately prank calling them 30 times in a row
Supplement makes sperm swim faster, creates new variant of spam subject line
(sunherald.com)
Pastor uses Metallica in sermons to convey biblical message
(BostonHerald.com)
Sloppy Boston cops ordered to wipe doughnut crumbs off their shirts
Study shows that cows experience fear, pain, and "anxiety about the future". Still quite tasty.
Pretty blonde girls just can't get enough of 64-year-old murderous nutbag record producers
Charlie Sheen's pre-nup included a $4 million cheating clause. Vanessa Bryant reportedly heard snickering
(BaseLondon.com)
See what advertising is like in countries not under FCC jurisdiction (not safe for work)
A septic tank is not a best hiding place in the world, although it is the grossest
(Some Guy)
Theme: What would video-game characters do in real-life situations? (Link goes to inspiration)
Canada tells U.S. it owes them $4 billion, plus interest. Threaten to send their tough-guy debt collector to Washington, who will wag his finger sternly and utter some harsh words before politely walking away
Get ready to bend over: gas prices to jump 25-cents in next few days.
Former stripper Tawny Peaks selling her 69-HH "cement block" implants on Ebay
(Venice Gondolier)
City residents are now required to pay $115 each for water backflow prevention valve; when residents complain at a public meeting, officials claim it's to prevent terrorism
Aggresiveness can be determined by finger length. Middle finger not cited
When 125-years-old you reach, look as good, you will not
(officer.com)
Four Pennsylvania skiers got lost... after passing three large "off the trail" fluorescent orange warning signs. After their rescue, each received a bill for over $4,000 "for being ignorant"
(Some Guy)
After doing five months in a pound-me-in-the-ass West Virginia federal prison, Martha Stewart finishes her sentence at her leave-my-ass-alone, luxurious, 153-acre estate
Dust storm over Egypt captured by imaging satellite (with high res goodness)
British film censor demands two-second scene of cat pouncing on dead pigeon be cut from film. Sex and violence still okay
You know you're having a bad day when monkeys chew most of your face off
50 Cent throws rapper out of G-Unit, also won't let him back in the secret clubhouse
(Eurekalert)
Wlesh scienitsts dsicover dlysexia gene
(Some Guy)
Photoshop another telling shadow (link goes to example)
Canadian man says he captured a UFO travelling at 18,000 mph on video. Grudgingly admits it might just be a bug
(Some Guy)
Pakistani actress asks Indian government to protect her after receiving death threats for kissing in Bollywood movie
This one time, at band camp, a teacher got fired for telling 60 kids about her lesbian experiences
(NBC San Diego)
Feeling down in the humper? The Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute will come to your rescue
Specatators at Canadian curling championships will need 168,000 beers, 6,000 coolers, 2,400 bottles of wine and 2,500 40-ounce bottles of liquor to properly enjoy it
Thu March 03, 2005
(Some Guy)
Tim Burton is having a garage sale. Hilarity to ensue (scroll to March 1)
Fat police officers denied entrance to their station as security sensor tells them, "One at a time, lardo"
Astronomers discover strange and wonderful new type of cosmic object, call it a "burper"
Cat survives 10-mile trip on top of car that is now in desperate need of a wash
Woman accused of naked dog wrestling. Must like it ruff
Chimps escape & attack keepers at animal sanctuary
CIA Director Porter Goss amazed at his workload. Job apparently doesn't involve as much data entry as promised
(WOWK TV)
West Virginian teacher confesses to having sex with five of her students (with scary pic)
(channelnewsasia.com)
Due to an apparent shortage of secure police vehicles, dangerous convict being sought after escaping from custody while being transported to a hospital in a taxi
I've fallen and I've got a faucet lodged in my back
In retrospect, police think that perhaps it might have been excessive to use a 50,000 volt taser on a handcuffed thirteen-year old girl. Twice.
Man from the future travels to present for Ebay auction
Norwegian soccer player embroiled in international nose-blowing scandal
Manuscripts offer dead puppy blood pimple cure. Your dog wants a FDA injunction
(Honolulu Advertiser)
Pet pig killers remain on the loose in Hawaii. Your ham wants revenge
(Rutland Herald)
Vermont man gets suspended sentence for lewd act with a train
(Some Guy)
Theme: Greeting cards that say "I Quit" in style
(940-News)
Four Canadian police officers shot to death in drug bust
(Guerrilla News)
US to demonstrators: "I gave you the chance to join me willingly... but you have elected the way of PAIN."
George Soros releases the hounds on carpet cleaner, then blames the messenger for printing the story
Another game rating. "E10" for "Everyone 10+" joins E (Everyone), T (Teen), EC (Early Childhood), AO (Adults Only) and M (Mature). Next: RH (Really High) and WLA (Wasting Life Away)
Zippo says airline lighter ban could cut its sales by 30 percent; prevent terrorism zero percent
WorldCom lawyer moves from "Coach" defense to the even stupider "These Are Not the Crooks You Are Looking For" defense
Germans discover the cabbage-hating gene
Lost toddler rescued by three-legged dog, proving that although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, three-legged dogs can still serve a purpose
Man in police station for marijuana possession starts choking, coughs up cocaine packets. Assorted new charges ensue
(NBC 4 Columbus)
Man eats White Castle for breakfast while driving -- chokes, passes out, crashes into urgent care facility
(MSN)
Banking industry scared to death of potential National Bank of Wal-Mart, might end up having to compete with each other
(Some Guy)
Cease and desist on nude Jenna Bush pic (site not safe for work)
Fossett breaks nonstop solo flight record, and longest continuous pee
Topless Anna Nicole Smith goes wild at MTV Awards. Possibly not safe for work, definitely not safe for lunch
Norwegian man watches tank flatten his car while he is still in it
Steve Fossett apparently landing at O'Hare, as his arrival time has been bumped from 2:00 pm, to 2:20 pm, to 2:37 pm, to "who knows when?" pm
Boston's FleetCenter to be permanently renamed Thursday, March 3rd. Fark.com Duke Sucks Center and UFIA Arena reportedly not under consideration
Investors in space-flight industry contribute $3,000,000 to fund a fifth season of "Star Trek: Enterprise"
(News Observer)
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia weighs in on separation issue: "Ninety-nine percent of people believe in the Ten Commandments. Eighty-five percent couldn't tell you what they are"
North Korea wants apology from United States. Bush: "We're sorry you're a bunch of jackasses"
Internet bugs may be able to stop real bugs -- will kill pests by spamming them with promises of millions of dollars from Nigeria, bigger penises
Scientists harness the incredible power of the sun to develop the Trash Can of the Future
Law firms surprised to find that young lawyers don't enjoy menial job tasks
Bus driver copes with having to drive 40 teenagers around by getting drunk before hand
Theme: Photoshop how technology can aid or improve refereeing in professional sports
Indonesia sends a firm message to would-be mass muderers: Mass murder here and we'll put you in jail for nearly two years
Tim Horton's coffee cups make up over 20 percent of Nova Scotia's litter
(Daily Record)
Man sues after rear-ending DOT vehicle, claims eight slow-moving trucks with flashing warning signs weren't enough warning
Bosses gave you a small office? Take them to court and make them your biatches
(Worldnet Daily)
FOX News' ratings destroying CNN's
Soccer team digging up fans buried beneath their field and reburying them at new stadium
Judge steps down from illegal deer-feeding case when it's discovered he committed the same crime
BBC reporter to former Labour MP: "If WE win the election, does Gordon Brown remain Chancellor? Uhhhmmmmmmm... if YOU win the election." The Sun is there
Actor Will Smith urges his female fans to stop asking him to sign their breasts. Actor Wil Wheaton urges his female fans to start
Children experience less pain while playing video games. Also become hard of hearing, fatter
Researchers claim testicular cancer can be detected by tasting semen. Celebration party cancelled after typo reveals it's actually "testing" of semen. But it's probably still worth a shot
Make NCAA tourney picks and we'll get Timmy out of the well. Group: fark; password: fark. Duke sucks
(FemaleFirst.co.uk)
Paris Hilton takes racing lessons to outwit paparazzi. What could possibly go wrong?
Mike Tyson sings Volare at Italian music festival. Ends his show with a rap version of "New York, New York"
Filmmaker removes donkey slaughter scene from movie due to protests. Killing people in movies still okay
(Portland Mercury)
Spider-Man's greatest Bible stories
(FemaleFirst.co.uk)
Pamela Anderson too embarrassed to strip. Freakish fake boobs may be to blame
Having maximized profits from oil sales, drug sales, pirated DVDs, file-sharing, charity carwashes, girl scout cookies and finding pennies on the sidewalk, terrorists now selling fake Rolexes to finance operations
It's now 1500 U.S. troops dead in Iraq. What else can one say in a headline?
Two Boston firms pitch to buy all 30 NHL teams. Duke sucks
Queen Elizabeth has crash course in Rugby League ahead of debut as fly-half for Wigan
(Some Guy)
All the world's a stage. Photoshop this rustic one
(Some Yinzer)
Post-St. Pats Parade Fark party, March 12th, 6:00 pm on Pittsburgh's South Side (Rum Shaker)
Jay Leno wants exception to Jackson gag order
Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen file for divorce. Unclear who will get Playboy Mansion visitation rights
Man has medical radiation treatment, sets off nuclear alert detector. Police and fire department activity ensues
Wed March 02, 2005
(Some Guy)
Women of Home Depot: They'll have you sportin' wood (Not safe for work)
(Some TFer)
Original samples from series that the latest round of Hilton sister pictures are faked from (Scroll to bottom -- NSFW)
Beer and seaweed sustain missing boater
Latest Google Toolbar beta offers spel check
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this woman worshipping the God of Fire
(Jossip.com)
Newsweek discovers Photoshop, shows off Martha Stewart's new svelte-ness
Spyware "fix" could actually make things worse, according to computer users who fell for the fake pop-up dialog box
Explosives cache in China blows up, kills 20 students
Video-game classical concerts drawing packed houses
Lost giant tortoise rescued in Wyoming. Can't wait to get back to his normal, fast-paced lifestyle
Convicted bank robber says prison will help his crime research
Devon, Alberta, must refund $700,000 in photo radar fines because the company they hired neglected to train the radar operator. That's $700,000 Canadian, or about $700,000 in real money at the current exchange rate
Yahoo celebrates 10th birthday with free ice cream for everyone
Sudden ozone decline forces scientists to admit they don't understand ozone depletion
(Raleigh N & O)
NYC very aggressive about "I ♥ NY," attacks NC, yoga
It's only day three of Michael Jackson's trial, but the phrase "crack whore" has already come up
City elders conclude ancient Scottish curse embodied in public art project is behind string of floods, disease and other local misfortunes that have befallen the English
(Mid-day.com)
Man screws nut onto penis, bolts to hospital when he can't get it off
Japanese invent supermodel robot. Now stay tuned for an important public service announcement, "Electro-Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer"
(Las Vegas Sun)
Mayor endorses gin to fourth graders
(KOMO)
Bill would hold gamemakers accountable for players' actions
Topless dancers greet Prince Charles
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Alas, poor Bubba, we hardly knew ye. Break out the butter
(NBC 17)
Motherless baby rhinoceros adopted by adult goat at nature reserve (with pics)
(NBC30)
No money for crack? Just butcher your pet goat!
Is Google OS coming soon to a desktop near you?
Queen meets Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page and asks what do they do. Clapton: "I whore my songs out to annoying commercials." Page: "I like red snapper"
Steve Fossett in danger of running low on fuel over Pacific, raising fears that plane's real pilot may be, in fact, Fossett's wife
Doctor shoots digital pic of naked woman, pretends it's part of the exam
(Nature)
Female eggs grown in male testes. Uncle Flo said to be a real pisser
Photoshop a better, faster horse
(Journal News)
The head of New York's college system has three chauffeurs on the public payroll. Claims it helps him get a lot of work done
Man arrested for eating needles
PETA hires six-foot-tall, overweight drag queen for new ad campaign. Star Jones unamused, believes drag queen resembles her too closely. Lawsuitary ensues
(thestar.com.my)
Angry hippo tosses and tramples woman when she gets too close
Four infants accused of looting and causing criminal damage. Priors include escaping local lockdown's notorious C-Section
(NY Daily News)
Yankees' pitcher Kevin Brown comes out of the closet and announces he's stopped vomiting on walls
Beyonce inspired Jessica Alba to become a stripper
(Saginaw News)
Man flees from police, tries to run them over, gets shot in the head for his efforts. Now suing police for excessive force
U.S. prepared to fight Anthrax. Still a little wary of Metallica
Woman leaves husband after he refuses to shower for a year. Some women are just so farking picky
Bikini barbers ordered to cover up
Astronomers see the same galaxies in two different places, confirming the Theory of Everything. Zaphod Beeblebrox salutes you
Chelsea Clinton, Teri Hatcher and Debbie Harry suffer from bad gas. Problem linked to plumber
(Some Guy)
"Mac Daddy" Jef Raskin dies at 61. "It was as if a million Macintoshes suddenly cried out in sadness, but were suddenly silenced by an AppleTalk error"
(Sports Nut)
The 1,121 words you can't have printed on an NFL jersey
U.S. accuses Iran of cynically pursuing nuclear weapons. Iran says that's not true, they're pursuing nuclear weapons with good-humoured hopefulness
Emailing mass-murder threats is no way to react to bad tech support
(webindia123.com)
Morgan Freeman may join the Ku Klux Klan
(Some Guy)
Photoshop a campaign poster for someone running for Student Council President at the toughest junior high school in the world
(wesh.com)
Burglars enter tornado-ravaged house by breaking the one window not damaged by the storm
Kobe Bryant reaches settlement in civil trial. Agrees to drop off money at the back door
"Crazy and dangerous" old man: 1. Gang of drug dealing teenagers that were "not doing anything" on his front lawn: 0
Teenager, who survived getting 18-inch stake through neck, says "you have to kill the head vampire"
Now pay attention: The toys of the real-life Q branch
Swearing "pathetic," says Sex Pistol
Governator, who drives 11 MPG Hummer, proposes tax to punish drivers of efficient cars
Bubba the 22-Pound Lobster is thought to be older than television, Arizona
Urine for a treat: You can buy cow-dung aftershave for the manure in love with
(Some Guy)
Mother blames seafood for huge baby; blames huge baby on enormous red snapper
(Some Guy)
AudioEdit this threatening voicemail message from an angry father (not safe for work, see comments for source)
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this Farker fixing a flat
Grandstanding state senator Ernie Chambers has filed 35 amendments to the Nebraska constitution to protect the hunting of a myriad of things, including the missing Earhart plane, Noah's ark, Osama bin Laden, Bigfoot and the Holy Grail
Fifty-six percent of all NFL players are obese. One hundred percent of Duke sucks
Tue March 01, 2005
(officer.com)
Old: McGruff the Crime Fighting Dog. New: Faux Paw the Techno Cat. Feline teaches safe Internet usage for children. Said to have spiffy virtual litterbox and catnip stash
Teacher arrested for having sex with a two-year-old in back seat
(Asbury Park Press)
School officials consider shooting the messenger after phone-cam recording of teacher's outburst hits the Net
Study of college students instant-messaging finds that most people actually use formal writing while IMing rather than abbreviating or using acronyms
(Biloxi Sun Herald)
Sad: Being so hard up to see a naked woman, you take your camera to a tanning salon to sneak a peek into the next booth. Sadder: Getting busted by the victim, who happens to be a man
(azcentral.com)
Now you can wipe your rear with kangaroo doodies
Operation Affect Dangerous Regimes Without Actually Invading Their Country is coming along nicely
Garbage collectors beaten by angry mob after failing to pick up their trash that wasn't curbside
Judge presiding over Saddam Hussein's trial assassinated in Baghdad
AARP launches job search website for people 50 years and older. Initial listings include Anti-Damn-Kids Lawn Protector and Farmer's Market Navigator
R2-D2 actor busted for drunk driving. Photoshop some other robots at their worst
Sony Betamax may save file-sharing networks
After years of referring to Osama bin Laden with the less-than-cuddly term "militant," Agence France-Presse sees the error of its ways and downgrades him to "dissident"
(Super Dickery)
Oh, that Joker and his boner crimes against Batman
Man tasered for overloading his plate at Chuck E. Cheese salad bar
Re$taurant$ $low to get rid of menu item$ containing tran$-fat. No rea$on given
If you're planning on walking across the Canadian border, it's best not to do it in Manitoba. In February
British teenager eats nothing but jam sandwiches, says the thought of eating anything else makes him sweat
Nefertiti's bust goes on display in Berlin. Current US political climate will not likely allow display of object with "titi" and "bust" in the name
Scientists claim to have invented a real "plasmonic cover." Name to be changed to "cloak of invisibility" so the rest of us can work out what they are talking about
Study finds you are more likely to be injured while drinking, confirming what college students have known for years
If you have seen a partially nude handcuffed man running down the street, the Tucson police would like to speak with you
Germany discussing plans to overcome highest jobless rate since the 1930s. Poland cringes at the prospects
(Boston Herald)
Cannon requested by George Washington to drive the British out of Boston arrives 229 years later
Adult-bookstore owner puts "Welcome Protestors" sign up in window. "Let's face it, protesters are good press for us"
WorldCom ex-CEO has memory loss at trial
Scotland campaigns for more beavers
New microwave gun could end high-speed police chases, heat doughnuts for hungry officers
(Atlantic City Press)
There he is, Burt Parks spinning in his grave, as he hears that Miss America may be reborn as a reality TV show
(Post Gazette)
Seventeen-year-old girl "wounded in the groin" by a .45 handgun during "bizarre bedroom activities" with her 23-year-old boyfriend
Man finds his stolen tools on eBay, buys them back to help police track culprit. Plans to leave some ripe feedback as well
Playboy Asian Cybergirl Kay Sivilay interview and pics (not safe for work)
Baby / if you ever wondered / wondered about the DVD / I'm sad to say that you won't see it / no DVD of WKRP
Anna Nicole Smith brings her class act to Australia, asks "where are the damn f*cking kangaroos?"
(Asbury Park Press)
Bored NASA employee creates U.S. Beer Drinking Team. "He quickly obtained the domain name and whipped up a site while drinking a couple of beers"
NYPD last episode airs tonight. Who the hell knew it was still on?
(Tech News World)
Hilton hack boosts T-Mobile store sales -- people will do anything to be like their favorite celebrities, even if it means having their privacy breached
Fifty-two percent of Americans have posed buck-ass nekkid
FCC rules on "Saving Private Ryan," stating that its "indecency and profanity guidelines are not applicable to violent programming." Boobies and ass are not okay unless they're being blown up for freedom
Bill Gates to become "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire." No word about Ted
Tonya Harding to wrestle skinny transvestite in match that features no wrestling experience between opponents. "We're out to give South Florida fight fans a classy night out"
Coyote hunt held in Vermont to "protect the deer herd." Deer hunt held in November to "protect deer from overpopulation." Absurdity conveniently overlooked
Man owns 1497 credit cards. Wives everywhere mutter "amateur" under breath
Thirty percent of Filipinos don't know where babies come from. "They don't know how pregnancy happens. Many don't even understand that they have a uterus... [It's] incredulous but it's true." (NSFW ads, article is fine)
German wants to build corpse factory in Poland, making this only the second time in history this has been attempted
($0M3 6UY)
Theme: Other celebrity cell-phone pictures they don't want you to see
Supreme Court rules 5-4 that juveniles cannot be executed
If you're a left-handed Lithuanian with the last name of Zolp and can flap your arms during basketball games, you're elligible for several college scholarships
Naked man covered in nacho cheese avoids jail time
Charles Barkley admits to smoking pot during during his NBA playing days (with audio)
NJ may be the next place to ban smoking in bars. Law sure to be quickly repealed once everyone smells what the smoke has been covering up
Vatican: Pope's condition is improving. Breakdancing lessons soon to commence
(eMedia wire)
Company announces breakthrough in hangover treatment. No word on why this announcement had to be made first thing in the goddamn morning
Martha Stewart has lost 20 pounds in prison, apparently on a tossed salad diet
(Freakin' Farkette)
Reminder: March 4th, Vancouver Fark Party, Jolly Taxpayer, 8:00 pm. (DIT. Link goes to directions)
New craze: Extreme poledancing and posting pics on website (mildly NSFW pics)
(Some Guy)
Photoshop some Krispy Kremes. It's less fattening than eating them
Swordsman called himself "Chosen One," gets annoyed when told to wait in line like everyone else
(AB Fan)
The Good Eats drinking game
(kezi.com)
Today's "nude man covered in nachos gets probation" story brought to you by Maryville, Tennessee
(M90.org)
Tara Reid's fake boobies look much better with clothes on (ads possibly not safe for work)
Mon February 28, 2005
(Wikipedia)
The most interesting geography you'll learn today: Territorial Claims of Antarctica
(Iowa City Press-Citizen)
Man stands naked on lawn in Iowa in February. Neighbors ask man to put on clothes. Man gets mad. Man gets sword from house, chases neighbors
(Random Search)
Photoshop this surreal Japanese scene
Having solved all other problems, U.S. Appeals Court takes a bite out of the false-teeth monopoly
From the "Where Was This 10 Years Ago?" Department: Seattle starts ticketing asshat drivers that wait till the last 10 feet to merge
Kobe case might just end in settlement -- question now is how bad she wants it, and how good he's willing to give it to her
(Some Guy)
Bored? Rewrite a famous quote as if Yoda had said it
(Sympatico/MSN Sports)
Jennifer Jones takes money shot to win championship. What's that? Oh, she MAKES money shot
New buffalo nickel sports giant buffalo weener
WorldCom CEO unveils the "coach" defense. Like the Chewbacca defense, only dumber
If you live in Wisconsin and have misplaced your kangaroo, the local sheriff's office would like to speak with you
Japanese high schoolers are too busy fighting interdimensional demons and selling their underwear online to bother learning geography
Bismarck takes seat in German parliament. Expected to pursue alliance with Austria-Hungary, demand Germany's "place in the sun"
Lesbians get another taste of the smooth, bitter, and sometimes starkly sweet substance that flows from within the folds of Ani DiFranco
Florida public schools ranked worst in the nation. Texas schools wondering how they were passed up for last place
(Daily Herald)
Source of Chicago's really bad smell still a mystery. Indiana looking skyward, whistling
(Some Guy)
Photoshop this guy with a broken mallet
Oxford Union about to add to its pantheon of distinguished speakers: Winston Churchill, Mother Theresa and now, Ron Jeremy
Japanese to put base on the moon, build SDF-1, fight Zentradi forces
Yahoo turns 10 this week, gets lurid chat room invitations from AOL
Moving with lightning speed, Canada deports man to Germany who arrived in 1958
(katc.com)
Watch today's un-farking-believable cop chase video and its jaw-dropping conclusion. Charges were dropped when the police found out that the driver just wanted to get out of St. Louis as fast as possible
Police bust massive group of people fighting with their cocks
It's bad enough when you use your mobile phone to take naked pictures of people. But when you work in a nursing home, well that's just gross
Convicted felon Martha Stewart to be unleashed upon the Martha-fearing populace
(Foundry Music)
Drew to appear on the Opie & Anthony show tomorrow around 8:00 am
Chicago residents surprised to find flying squirrels in town. More surprised by large talking moose in vicinity being pursued by foreign spies
Tim Robbins gives Chris Rock the bird on stage. The Associated Press is there
