Drew Curtis' FARK.com

Fri October 28, 2011

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		A band of Marine brothers storm Reddit to voice their anger at the life-threatening injury inflicted by Oakland police on their brother, 24-year-old Iraqi war veteran Scott Olsen (mediabistro.com)	(11)
(Some Guy)		Using a stolen credit card to send money to your jailed boyfriend is a great way to be reunited. (w/ 'You've never been that drunk in your life' mugshot) (5newsonline.com)	(51)
		Happy 125th birthday, Statue of Liberty. You're like America's very own huge green Orion slave girl ... but, you know, without the "Come do me, captain" smolder (life.com)	(28)
		Pricipal caught sayof with two fourteen-year-old girls. Bonus: a few of his love emails attached (wral.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)		Here's a couple of suggestions when the cops come looking for your child porn: Don't have it scrolling on your computer, and don't answer the door naked (wlwt.com)	(18)
(Some Guy)		Amtrak flasher busted; all abhorred (610wiod.com)	(15)
		Study finds aspirin can successfully block bowel cancer - especially if you use a really big one (bbc.co.uk)	(11)
		Rick Perry to preside over controversial execution. This is not a repeat from Headline is too long; keep it under about 250 characters or so (huffingtonpost.com)	(60)
		FBI officially urges Americans to be on the lookout for new gang threat comprised of barely-literate hicks in clown makeup. Activities include bathing in Faygo, burying their dead children in theme caskets, and general magnet bewilderment (gawker.com)	(71)
		Working for a haunted house can be fun. You get to dress up in cool makeup, scare people, and rarely have to tend to a broken nose when people attack you (huffingtonpost.com)	(44)
		Prince William no longer needs his crown jewels to become monarch (telegraph.co.uk)	(58)
		Burglars break into church, leave a buck (azcentral.com)	(12)
		Catholic Mass liturgy to change for the first time since the 60's; will now include segment where the faithful say "Pie Iesu domine" and hit themselves in the forehead with a board (washingtonpost.com)	(123)
		M-O-O-N; that spells UFO (metro.co.uk)	(34)
		Thief steals man's backpack at beach. Man calls cop. The two go off in search of the thief, but the cop leaves his backpack at the scene. Thief steals cop's backpack. Now read this headline again with "Yakity-Sax" in your head (nwfdailynews.com)	(17)
		Stripper? Escort? Subway Sandwich Artist? Match the mugshots with reported professions in the Friday Photo Fun Match Game (thesmokinggun.com)	(17)
		Years of complaining about my wife's food and I never got a pole-dance (myfoxdc.com)	(18)
		What lends the scene its rarefied sense of quietude and glamour? Is it the impossibly elegant wallpaper? The perfectly turned handlebar mustaches? Little Jim slurping beer from a trash bin? (life.com)	(21)
(Some Naked Guy)		Naked man shoots at ATV riders. Court rules he can eventually be reunited with his guns, pants (thechronicleherald.ca)	(16)
		Canadian senator calls on country to dump "dentally defective rat" known as a beaver from national symbols and replace it with land shark known as a polar bear (canada.com)	(97)
		Breaking news: how long does it take for a candy bar to go bad? (slate.com)	(43)
		Great Pumpkin caper in Iowa. See, I TOLD you he was real (desmoinesregister.com)	(22)
		Woman calls 911 because a deer was limping in her backyard. Gets upset when cops kill it and take it home for dinner (cbsatlanta.com)	(146)
(Florida Today)		Motorcycle involved in fiery crash with van carrying boxes of ammo. Authorities rush Michael Bay to scene (floridatoday.com)	(48)
		Hey, write us a play about World War 2 but don't make references to Jews, Nazis or Poland. Cool? (shortlist.com)	(87)
		High school student crushed after learning he had to do a pull up (dailymail.co.uk)	(95)
		Too cool for scohol (sun-sentinel.com)	(48)
(Some Bloke)		Photoshop this silly walk (i.imgur.com)	(20)
		In hindsight, University concedes statements about professor, 'He talked about shooting students, which was disturbing, and implied that he was drunk and high every other day' were troublesome (azcentral.com)	(64)
		News: Muslim college students are shocked ... SHOCKED ... that they are surrounded symbols of Christianity. Fark: At Catholic University (radio.foxnews.com)	(315)
		With Tornado Season over, Kansas residents look forward to the annual Tumbleweed Migration (nytimes.com)	(27)
(Some Guy)		If you're going to steal a sammich, have a plan. Stealing a forklift for a getaway vehicle is not a plan, by the way. (With creepy mugshot) (wtae.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)		Small-town Texas gun store airs an eloquent radio ad promoting responsible weapon safety. Nah, just kidding, the radio ad states they will deny service to Muslims and socialists (kvue.com)	(465)
(Some Guy)		Here's a rare photo of Geronimo driving a car. It later overheated, and he jumped out, yelling: "MEEEEEeeeeeeeee" (howtobearetronaut.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		Man discovers his homemade guillotine really works (king5.com)	(90)
		Are you looking for pictures of adorable sea mammals? I otter bring your attention to this link (thesun.co.uk)	(33)
		Gym teacher fakes bomb threat to get out of work, has to do 500 push-ups (upi.com)	(23)
		Actual Headline: "Satanic lesbian launches bid for freedom" (nzherald.co.nz)	(68)
		Man who killed 4 relatives on Thanksgiving to spend the rest of his life getting stuffed (cnn.com)	(35)

Thu October 27, 2011

	Iraq veteran injured by police at Occupy Oakland still in medically-induced coma. Article with link to donation page to help cover Olsen's medical expenses. He did what he could for the 99% - now it's our turn, Farkers (boingboing.net)	(707)
	When trafficking underage girls over state lines you may want to do it in something a little less obvious then a gold painted van that says "Ho Hauler" on it (fox6now.com)	(57)
(KENS5)	Apparently, Target's loss prevention program missed that "just loading up a cart and walking out of the store" scenario (kens5.com)	(57)
(The Random Fact)	Tibet's unrest grows after tenth Tibetan sets himself on fire. After all, immolation is the sincerest form of flattery (therandomfact.com)	(78)
	If you were going to a Halloween party dressed as a lead pencil, you'll have to think of something else now (news.com.au)	(32)
	It's bad enough you burglars broke in and stole my stuff, but at least shut the window when you're done so a fox can't sneak in and eat my child (telegraph.co.uk)	(97)
	Study finds men are quicker to say 'I love you' than women are -- proving once again that men will say whatever they think they have to in order to get laid (telegraph.co.uk)	(88)
	Two gay men become transgender lesbians, then become legally married after one of them gets a sex change. The Aristocrats (dailymail.co.uk)	(214)
	Just for the fun of it, let's do an address cross-match with our foster homes and sex offenders' lists. Whoa (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(46)
(I has it)	Photoshop theme: Rich things for poor people (i.imgur.com)	(31)
	15 hand grenades, 1 mortar shell, 1 stick grenade, 18 military and parachute flares, 1 light anti-tank weapon (fox6now.com)	(72)
	Pro-tip: When mayor of Toronto, for faster 911 response utter these secret words: "You biatches. Don't you farking know? I'm Rob farking Ford, the mayor of this city" (boingboing.net)	(97)
	Pilferer pinched for pot possession post pumpkin pitching (nj.com)	(30)
	GOP presidential candidates are asked their favorite movies, and the results are exactly what you'd expect: Herman Cain? The Godfather. Michelle Bachmann? Braveheart. RON PAUL? NONE, MOVIES AREN'T IN THE CONSTITUTION (washingtontimes.com)	(342)
	Wrongfully convicted nonmurderer allegedly charged with purported ostensible assault (canada.com)	(38)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this situated sphere (s-hphotos-iad1.fbcdn.net)	(38)
	If you don't want a $44,500 fine, don't leave your car parked illegally for 1,800 years (consumerist.com)	(77)
	Authorities give back $200,000 to cocaine dealer, suggest he not blow it all at once (news.com.au)	(22)
	Poor clerk from India, making $120 a month, wins the million dollars on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. They should make a movie about this (foxnews.com)	(54)
	The police would like to remind you that Halloween is coming up and the guns those little kids are carrying just might be toys, so please don't blow them away. Thank you (wpxi.com)	(72)
	Last night everything you hate about the internet showed up at one bar. Happy Hallowmeme (buzzfeed.com)	(140)
	Man vows to fappucino in every Starbucks bathroom in NYC (gothamist.com)	(69)
	Indian fashion models caught "heightening" (news.yahoo.com)	(100)
	Lost hiker wrote name, social insurance number, and date of birth on his arm, possibly in attempt to make shortest episode of CSI ever (news.nationalpost.com)	(80)
	High school parents worry that teens are getting too frisky at homecoming dances. This is not a repeat from 1951, 1961, 1971, 1981, 1991 or 2001 (washingtonpost.com)	(117)
	There's "lost it," and then there's "332 wounds inflicted with a metal bar, hammer, wrench, knife, rope and mannequin peg lost it" (washingtonpost.com)	(70)
	Hoarders: the special dictator edition (foreignpolicy.com)	(35)
	A point of contention at The Clan of the Barbarian as to whether or not they were the first permitted sadomasochism club in the state, is offset by becoming the fist sadomasochism club in the state to be stripped of its permit by the city (stltoday.com)	(36)
	Old Brooklyn bowling alley converted to indoor hydroponic greenhouse, called "the first commercial-scale urban operation of its kind in the United States" (wired.com)	(39)
	Oh the people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down (thesmokinggun.com)	(55)
	Some conspiracy theorists have a problem with the "Asian chicks are so limber that they can tie their hands and feet together and then hang themselves" reasoning in Zahu suicide finding (abcnews.go.com)	(92)
(WSB TV)	Family says "aw hell no" to fire consuming their 3rd floor apartment, tosses infant to rescuers, lowers toddler via rope, then climbs down the outside of the building "like they were Spiderman" (wsbtv.com)	(36)
	Meanwhile, in a Target store in the Deep South... (neatorama.com)	(90)
	The European economy faces collapse. The American middle class dream is dying. Ice caps are melting. But ignore all that, and check out this page full of laughing baby and penguin videos. THIS is CNN (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(44)
	RIP, Army Ranger Sgt. Kristoffer Domeij. 14 deployments, 5,000 missions, and he was part of the team that rescued Jessica Lynch (seattlepi.com)	(138)
	Entire high school football team penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct (omaha.com)	(73)
(WBALTV)	Student goes to principal to express he's been having suicidal thoughts. Principal has student's belongings searched, finds gun. Police arrest student. Problem solved (wbaltv.com)	(76)
	The kennel where two kids were found was actually cleaner than the house. The kids are reportedly healthy, well fed, no worms (omaha.com)	(34)
	Officer, I've been shot by a stray bullet. Yes, ma'am. We'll get you medic ... oh, you're black? Handcuff her to the wall for five days boys (nydailynews.com)	(340)
	Flight 209 now arriving Gate 8...Gate 9, Gate 10... Gate 13, Gate 14, Gate 15... Gate 23, 24, 25 (news.com.au)	(135)
	The TSA man asked Jesus, "Have you no bags to check?" Jesus answered him, "Carry no money belt, no bag and no shoes for your journey." The man was amazed and said, "Truly, you are a frequent flyer" (washingtonpost.com)	(54)
	NYPD discovers surprise cure for lesbianism...pepper spray (m.dailymail.co.uk)	(196)
	That's at least a one point deduction (myfoxdc.com)	(20)
	Raccoon cooking leads to meth maker's arrest. Where's the Tennessee tag? (midtown.wmctv.com)	(39)
	I had never watched drunken group sex before. Well, not with elk anyway (thelocal.se)	(33)
(Bangor Daily News)	Man repeatedly calls 911 from down the street from his house, claiming to be lost and demanding a ride. Cops are happy to oblige (bangordailynews.com)	(11)
	Good: Booze. Bad: Pub brawl. Good: Ambulance. Bad: Nicotine withdrawal. Good: Stop for a smoke break. Bad: Stagger drunkenly into traffic (dailymail.co.uk)	(19)
(Some Chance Taker)	Go Directly To Jail (abqjournal.com)	(61)
	And this is a nice little four- bedroom, three bathroom, 3,200 square foot house with granite countertops, finished basement and a Lamborghini Diablo (myfoxdc.com)	(89)
(Herald Times Reporter)	Not news: Man offers drunk woman a ride home from the bar. Not news: She wants to fark in the car. Fark: She winds up in jail for sexual assault, owing him almost $1,600 in restitution. He can buy something really fabulous with that (htrnews.com)	(141)
	Protip: When writing a book about the 'cheapest places to retire' you should really visit those first instead of using GIS. Who knew South Houston did not have "a ski lift gondola soaring above a snowy pine-studded landscape" (chron.com)	(146)
	Not to harp on this, but your music makes me want to die (glenview.suntimes.com)	(39)
(Bangor Daily News)	Best use of a Knights of Columbus hall. Ever (bangordailynews.com)	(143)
(Some Guy)	Penis pump judge loses penison. I mean, pension (newser.com)	(45)
	Apparently, aliens are more likely to abduct people who eat a lot of cheese (dailymail.co.uk)	(64)
	Judge extends restraining order on a Missouri college's plan to drug screen all first year students (washingtonpost.com)	(173)
	Unless emergency procedures have changed, complimentary vaginal exams are usually not part of the ambulance ride to the hospital (stuff.co.nz)	(37)
	The seven-day forecast for former WABC weathergirl is probation, followed by a strong chance of community service (dailymail.co.uk)	(57)
	Photoshop this rocker (farm7.static.flickr.com)	(27)
	U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara prosecutes ex-GS director Rajat Gupta accused of feeding tips to Galleon co-founder Raj Rajaratnam. Man, this outsourcing thing really got out of hand (businessweek.com)	(58)
	Famed import/export magnate Art Vandelay sponsors Middle East peace initiative (globalspin.blogs.time.com)	(53)
(Some Guy)	Son of Murphy's Law namesake proves that if anyone can go wrong, they will (offender.fdle.state.fl.us)	(31)
	Fourteen punctuation marks that you never knew existed. Bonus: snark mark (buzzfeed.com)	(177)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to display a pro-atheist billboard with a quote from Thomas Jefferson, first make sure Jefferson actually said the quote. "I should have done the research before I put my billboard up" (ocregister.com)	(292)
	"I want a boob reduction - but my husband won't let me" O_O (mirror.co.uk)	(881)
(Some Football Fan)	Hot babe arrested for DUI while wearing slutty referee uniform punches out cop, poses for awesome mug shot (badjocks.com)	(96)
	If the father of your unborn child crashes into a liquor store while trying to evade police, and runs off leaving you stuck in the car - you may have made some bad life choices (stuff.co.nz)	(29)
	New York couple files paperwork to trademark the name "Occupy Wall St." What assholes. I should have thought of that (iheartchaos.com)	(82)
	Remember all that money that went missing at the beginning at the Iraq war? Turns out, the receiver signed box 34A instead of 36B (security.blogs.cnn.com)	(94)
	Your girlfriend comes home early at the same time another girl you met on Craigslist arrives at your apartment. Do you: C) Call the cops to report a burglary in progress? (denverpost.com)	(41)
	Dog bites off woman's ear, presumably while "Stuck in the Middle With You" was playing in the background (philly.com)	(30)
	For the last time, if you are going to drive your semi under a bridge, make sure you read the signs posted for miles and miles about the height restriction (w/pics) (qctimes.com)	(51)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 338: "Graves 3: Return to the Land of the Dead". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(212)

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