(Prime Buzz)(74) If you're planning to assassinate a candidate for president, it's best not to tell fellow students in your bail bondsman class how you plan to do it
(Bangor Daily News)(158) Maine lawyer charged with domestic violence after spanking his 20-year-old daughter over a $5000 phone bill
(KNBC)(36) There are cute ass zoo baby slideshows, and then there's this one
(AP)(16) Man, woman char-ged with assaulting each other with barbecue pit
(MSNBC)(112) Osama's driver sentenced to five and a half years in prison, should be released by January 20, 2009
(People Magazine)(103) Morgan Freeman released from hospital - and August is one damn fine month to be released from the hospital
(Some Guy)(445) Help Metallica pick a better title for their upcoming album
(My Fox Dallas)(75) Man arrested after smashing his truck into 17 vehicles in a drunken rampage. By the looks of his mugshot, he probably mistook them for giant metal demons, unlike anything he'd seen living his entire life in a hollowed out oak tree
(Reuters)(50) Most people call it "traversing dangerous bear country". In Vancouver, they call it "gardening"
(News.com.au)(200) Turns out, the woman who sold her house to clone her pit bull fled England 30 years ago after kidnapping some Mormon guy to be used as a sex slave. And then it gets weird
(Chicago Tribune)(128) Autistic students get their own school. It's 125.67 feet long and made of 657,924 bricks
(Some Guy)(88) Hey, I have an idea. I'll use this customer's credit card information 110 times to steal $10,758 of merchandise at the store I work at. No one will ever catch on. This is the perfect plan. I am the smartest 21-year-old EVAR
(Wired)(430) Top ten things not to type in your Facebook status update. Submitter is: in his bunk with a bowl of Jell-o. Voting enabled, submit other ideas
(Seattle Times)(50) Eric Dowling (inspiration for "The Great Escape) dead at 92; Erik Darling ('60s songwriter of The Weavers) dead at 74. So you can see the confusion
(ABC Action News)(406) Rape victim sues hospital after they victimize her again...by asking her to pay her bill
(insidebayarea.com)(41) Burglars steal television, get spotted by police, flee in vehicle, crash car on freeway, flee again on foot. Five police agencies, a helicopter, and two police dogs later, burglars nowhere to be found
(Telegraph)(52) Sixteen-year-old burglar one of the youngest ever to be featured on a WANTED poster. Bonus: because New Zealand law bans pictures of juvenile criminals, they decided to use Robbie Coltrane's image instead
(BBC)(207) Man with tattoos gets turned away from club, sets up Facebook group in protest. This is news?
(Some Guy)(171) Dear Atlantans, pay no attention to the 500,000 coffins stockpiled at Hartsfield Airport. Sincerely FEMA
(WESH Orlando)(35) When renewing your registration, it is not necessary to bring your car into the office with you
(Reuters)(447) "Waterboard Thrill Ride" beckons a sign along with cartoon character "SpongeBob SquarePants" who appears tied down and exclaiming: "It don't Gitmo better"
(MSNBC)(248) MSNBC shocked to learn that the freecreditreport.com guy does not have credit woes, nor does he actually sing in the commercials
(Some Guy)(393) Westboro Baptist Chruch plans to picket greyhound bus victims funeral claiming "God is punishing Canada". Apparently Phelps has never heard of Avril Lavigne nor Nickleback
(Dallas News)(153) PETA classiness continues -- West Virginia Beef Queen challenged to wrest PETA Lettuce Lady in vat of tofu
(Some Guy)(43) Man tries to attack his family with a chainsaw. When that won't start, he switches to a weed wacker. When that won't start he tries to run over his wife. Fail X 3
(Houston Chronicle)(213) Commute takes minutes in car, but hours on Metro buses. Way to encourage less oil consumption, Houston
(AP)(207) Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf faces impeachment for having "eroded the trust of the nation" during his eight years in power. At least some countries have standards
(Silicon Alley Insider)(73) Psychic Uri Geller can bend spoons with his mind, but he can't keep videos debunking him off of YouTube
(My Fox DC)(148) When marketing your car's fuel efficiency, it is probably best not to use actors portraying pissed off Muslims complaining about how it is costing them millions. "May hawks poke at you day and night." (w/video)
(News.com.au)(25) Qantas has never had a crash, but it's not for lack of trying - another plane grounded with 95 defects
(Reuters)(40) A chance to stand in long check in and security lines, barefoot and semi-dressed at its new JFK terminal for a "free trip to nowhere" has been proudly announced by Jet Blue
(ClusterStock)(176) High gas prices force the US to act like France. Hello four-day work week
(SFGate)(151) I made you a wedding cake, but I eight it
(USA Today)(110) Government fining companies for selling clothing that is "dangerous" to children. Laced with strychnine? Line with lead? Overly combustible or hiding pockets of bees? Nope. Drawstrings. DRAWSTRINGS OF DEATH
(KSL TV)(39) Bad: Crashing into a pole. Worse: While drunk. Fark: Driving a schoolbus full of kids
(Canada.com)(278) Park visitors who let their dogs run free to chase squirrels are alarmed to discover that Yorkies are in the middle of the food chain, not at the top
(The Gazette)(53) Truck with at least 25,000 pounds of bananas crashes into buffalo in Iowa. Harry Chapin would call it an even 30,000
(Some Guy)(44) 150-gallon fuel spill shuts down the southbound 5 freeway near L.A. Street value estimated to be around $2 million
(Scene)(69) Drunken stewardess causes full evacuation of five-star hotel. Oops, make that "former" stewardess
(STLToday)(68) Lots of people screw up on their first day on the job. Most of the time, though, it's not as serious as a tiger chewing off their leg
(AP)(79) Kid haunted from age of 9 about unsolved murder gets hardcore; becomes a State Police Detective, spends countless hours of his own time, ends up solving the crime and giving victim proper burial
(Some Guy)(132) This week on Craigslist Follies: Man and woman meet up for kinky sex in park, but what happens when a homeless lady chances upon their meeting?
(BBC)(129) Parties agree "in principle" to begin impeachment hearings against the president
(Stuff.co.nz)(76) Girl sparks army defense alert by leaving homemade CD labeled "Jericho IV - Nuclear Modified" in her car. She's just lucky the RIAA didn't get involved
(Some Guy)(37) Fisherman's dying wish granted as his ashes are turned into 30 pounds of fishbait. So if your catch tasted a little corpsey, here's why
(Some Guy)(149) Cancer might evolve to become contagious. EVERYBODY PANIC
(Telegraph)(275) Almost one in five paternity claims handled by the Child Support Agency end up showing the woman has deliberately or inadvertently misidentified the father. Apparently fb- may not be the father
(TC Palm)(87) Florida Highway Patrol urges motorcyclists to wear neon green chaps, grow mustaches, wear mirrored glasses
(Reuters)(204) Mexican soldiers briefly held a US Border Patrol agent at gunpoint in a remote stretch of the Arizona desert after they (mistakenly) strayed north across the border
(Yahoo)(68) We got a little ol' convoy, led by GPS / We got a Utah convoy, explorin' the mountain west / Come on join our convoy, we'll get there in a jiff / Unfortunately this convoy's rollin' off a cliff
(STLToday)(177) Married State Representative and licensed foster parent Scott Muschany (R - MOlester) indicted for raping his mistresses' 14 yr-old daughter while she watched. Good thing he co-sponsored legislation that toughened sex offender laws
(OC Rag)(103) Christian biker gang members arrested for attempted murder of Hell's Angels. Ironic tag battles Obvious while Amusing looks on
(Farktography)(300) Theme of Farktography Contest No. 170: "Go With the Flow". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme
Wednesday, August 06, 2008:
(The Smoking Gun)(108) Mug shot and police report describing what that naked Indiana nut was doing with his claw hammer and motor oil
(Orlando Sentinel)(60) Teen arrested for getting all stabby on his father after he tries to make him get a haircut
(Daily Mail)(82) It was only a matter of time. Man chokes to death during a cake-eating competition
(Daily Herald)(82) Car wash in Chicago suburb offers "Best Hand Job in Town." Naturally the town has a serious problem with that. Marvel at how the reporter dances around what the sign actually says
(Tech Digest)(62) Old & busted: homemade Batman's tumbler. New hotness: homemade A-team van...and it's for hire
(Forbes)(277) Congratulations Ohio for garnering four slots on the Forbes 10 fastest dying cities in the US list
(Boston Globe)(227) New Jersey douchebags invade Nicaragua, offer impoverished villagers $5 for a donated "19-0 perfect season" T-shirt just to taunt pissed off Patriots fans
(AP)(80) Woman riding a donkey fights off lion with machete
(Reuters)(78) Mexican illegal immigrants more likely to contract AIDS that would otherwise go to hardworking blue-collar Americans
(Some Guy)(115) Bureaucrat in charge of developing Gaelic as a language in Scotland quits after two months on the job after acknowledging Gaelic is a deader language than Klingon or Esperanto
(The Sun)(156) Most army wives use flags at their fallen husband's funeral -- but on a rare occasion you'll find some that use a floral arrangements spelling out "Sexy Pants"
(London Times)(78) Beijing channels Baghdad Bob, claims the smog everyone sees is "mist"
(AP)(447) Obama jokes about McCain's tire pressure recommendation, adding that the double-deuce spinners on his Escalade are more properly inflated than those on McCain's hearse
(AP)(276) CDC says average ER wait time nearly an hour. Subby wants to know where it is that low
(Palm Beach Post)(67) "Bouschet ... didn't understand why she was wrong to place the 3-year-old girl on the roof of the car and drive her ... around the parking lot. She said she was just giving the child some air and letting her have fun."
(KNBC)(68) "It surprised the officer when Yates lifted up his shirt and removed a 3 1/2-pound package of Foster Farms chicken breasts from the front of his pants."
(nbc17.com)(133) Man holds up lingerie store with Play-Doh (w The Smoking Gun--worthy mugshot)
(Some Guy)(245) Last comic standing contestant Sean Cullen told not to mention Canada because it would confuse American audiences
(AP)(74) Mummy fetuses in King Tut's tomb may be his children, or simply snacks
(Some Angry Lady)(716) Not news: Store employees ask lady to not breast feed in the middle of the aisle, offer seat to the side. News: She goes to the media, store apologizes. Fark: "Feed-in" protest planned for tomorrow 12:30
(WCBStv.com)(128) This just in: Girls Gone Wild employees are not classy people
(Detroit News)(109) High School instructor to teach boating safety lessons. By "high school instructor" I mean "33 yr old Female Teacher" and by "teach safety lessons" I mean "have sex with students on that boat"
(College Humor)(343) Crazy lady can't understand why a rainbow appears when her lawn sprinkler is on
(BBC)(505) TV journalist addressing Asian women quips, "I'm happy that the podium covers me from the waist down"
(Some Guy)(487) Attention Scottsburg, Indiana middle schools: I don't think the animated gif on your home page means what you think it means
(First Coast News)(55) Reptile, 111, finally becoming a father, thereby beating Strom Thurmond's record. Double Fark: He's now enjoying the company of three females
(Time)(68) A new website connects people who feel entitled to free money with the lawyers who can get it for them. Your dog has a grievance with the vet
(USA Today)(336) Thirty percent of "Mythbusters'" ideas come from fans, including "Kari determines if bras are more elastic than bustiers," and "Can a Mythbusters female, say Kari for example, swim better naked than clothed?"
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