Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Wed November 25, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(WTHR)		Indiana schools face an epidemic of "ball tapping." You thought of a better headline, but were too busy crying on the floor in the fetal position to submit it (wthr.com)	(82)
		Don't tase me, doe (theglobeandmail.com)	(34)
		Obvious tag doesn't come even close: "Thanksgiving gatherings could spread swine flu" (msnbc.msn.com)	(39)
		Two arrested for threatening YouTube rap, are sentenced to read 80,000 barely literate YouTube comments (upi.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		Another reason China is kicking our ass: Push button boob jobs with instant D-liscious results (weirdasianews.com)	(218)
		"It often is reported that 46 million turkeys will be eaten on Thanksgiving, and that it is the busiest travel time of the year. Government statistics suggest that neither claim is accurate." (online.wsj.com)	(43)
		It's not quite Thanksgiving yet, but the Christmas trees are already trying to kill us all (thelocal.de)	(47)
		You claim the government owes you $200 million. Do you c) rent a van, hang a "My $200 Million Dollars" sign on it, park in the middle of the street two blocks from the White House, and start throwing Molotov cocktails? (myfoxdc.com)	(62)
		If at first you don't succeed at breaking into a supermarket, trap, trap yourself in the ventilation system five years later (orlandosentinel.com)	(19)
		Studies show that men who stifle their anger at work are more than twice as likely to die of a heart attack; those that don't are more than twice as likely to die of malnutrition and exposure from living in a cardboard box (news.yahoo.com)	(204)
		Photoshop this semiconductor tracker barrel (inapcache.boston.com)	(41)
		Dog works the drive-through at a convenience store (with awesome picture of the employee) (tampabay.com)	(221)
(Some Chick)		Ten secret text message codes parents need to pay special attention to. NALOPKT (wbtv.com)	(441)
		You know that guy who spent 23 years in a coma but aware of everything going on? Even money says it's a hoax (msnbc.msn.com)	(240)
		Police searching for the grinch or grinches who crushed a gingerbread town containing 650 gingerbread homes. "The people who did this must be full of gingerbread dust. They will smell a long way." (news.com.au)	(29)
		Lovers reportedly have sex in clock tower in broad daylight - of course that's only second hand (telegraph.co.uk)	(55)
(Some Guy)		Irish turn their annual Christmas lighting ceremony into a drunken riot. Once again (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)	(74)
		Musician appeals for return of stolen tiki. The curse never ends, Greg (nzherald.co.nz)	(30)
		Ten tips to ease the hassles of holiday flying. 'Staying home' conspicuously absent (usatoday.com)	(48)
		For those with all day to work out, doing a Sudoku puzzle burns an amazing 90 calories an hour (dailymail.co.uk)	(38)
(Some Guy)		Man kills his second girlfriend because she wouldn't help him dispose of his first girlfriend's body (ktla.com)	(71)
		Man in mall food court shoots himself in the knee, presumably in an attempt to avoid the persistent bourbon chicken lady (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(51)
		Incredible gallery of Cockermouth floods, 72 nightmarish Cumbria shots (bbc.co.uk)	(37)
(journal times)		Man loses semi-truck and 5-year-old son at strip club. Why yes, drinking was involved (journaltimes.com)	(32)
(Galileo, Galileo)		Photoshop this inauguration (esa.int)	(35)

Tue November 24, 2009

	Navy SEALS capture alleged terrorist behind Fallujah killings and mutilations, promptly face charges because they gave him a fat lip when they captured him (foxnews.com)	(445)
(Some Guy)	School district initiates hiring freeze.* (*Except for teachers, principals, assistant principals, cafeteria managers, school police officers, bus drivers, teachers' assistants, education aides and special education assistants) (dailynews.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)	Man robs bank, leaves crying - possibly withdrawn (ktla.com)	(15)
	"Godfather of Spam" sentenced to 51 months of meat in his can (arstechnica.com)	(66)
(Some Guy)	Goodnight Keith Moon (goodnightkeithmoon.com)	(93)
(Some Guy)	"Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise (wsbtv.com)	(51)
	RCMP looking for millions in gold missing from Canada's mint have concluded that there was no theft involved, which leaves a relieved nation with only two alternate explanations: magic or gross incompetence (canada.com)	(70)
	Star Wars Facebook status updates. Something something Dark Side something something (collegehumor.com)	(92)
	"Polish-your-resume" unlikely: I don't recall leaking secret information about my political enemies. "Buy lube" unlikely: I don't recall firing that shotgun at police and anyway it was an accident (metrowestdailynews.com)	(31)
	Train Man (nydailynews.com)	(70)
(ABA Journal)	Celebrated trial lawyer died driving unsafe and uncrashworthy SUV on negligently designed and maintained road that one or more persons had maliciously allowed to become wet in the rain. He never had a chance (abajournal.com)	(78)
	Even the judge agrees there's nothing wrong with a little tongue (nwfdailynews.com)	(19)
	That Kentucky census worker undressed himself, wrote "fed" on his chest, bound himself in duct tape and then hung himself. It's like Houdini but in reverse (cnn.com)	(225)
(mediaite)	Drew Curtis on possible partnerships between Fark and other media outlets: "I can't go into any great detail because if it turns out some of these ideas suck as much or worse than a travel tab, we'll shiatcan 'em" (mediaite.com)	(223)
	NYT, last year: "Check out these e-mails hacked from a Palin campaign staffer." Last week: "ClimateGate? Sorry; we will not publish illegally obtained e-mails." Bonus: BBC also tried to squash the story for two weeks (media.nationalreview.com)	(868)
	So a pastor, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar (nytimes.com)	(129)
	Yo dawg, we herd you liked Fark, so we put some Twitter in your Fark so you can Facebook while you Gtalk. New profile preferences available (fark.com)	(167)
	Photoshop theme: Great moments in evolution (google.com)	(72)
	If you get lost while going out to get your morning paper, don't be like this guy -- ask for directions BEFORE you're 370 miles from home (metro.co.uk)	(41)
(Some Sick Farker)	Farker Dominee has been in hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia for several days now, and is still in a coma. Details to the left, moral support to the right (farkistan.org)	(265)
	Hey boys, you know that hot teenage girl you were exposing yourself to via webcam? Well, turns out she's a 41-year-old Olympic weightlifter called Alan (news.bbc.co.uk)	(100)
	As President, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything (gizmodo.com)	(106)
(Some Guy)	Step 1) Escape prison. Step 2) Steal cigarettes. Step 3) Return to prison with the cigarettes? (ktvu.com)	(41)
	Look at the two women to your left, and the two to your right: One of the women in bed with you right now has an STD (news.yahoo.com)	(534)
	In an event that happened only once in the prior century, but twice in the last five years, hundreds of icebergs have broken off from Antarctica and are heading for New Zealand shipping lanes. Proving once again that global warming is a myth (news.yahoo.com)	(481)
	Taking a bath with your turkey, and other things the Butterball turkey hotline suggests you not do (suntimes.com)	(137)
	You're feuding with the editor of a rival newspaper. Do you c) Commission a naked sculpture of him with a six metre erection for the side of your building (with Not safe for work pic) (thelocal.de)	(70)
	As it turns out, even vegans can't stand "Tofurkey" (edition.cnn.com)	(397)
	Couple who stole home from Alzheimers Patient preparing for an experience they'll never forget (upi.com)	(66)
	Report: 20 Michigan State football players in ski masks 'stormed' MSU dorm in bloody attack, injuring seven - including women (sportsbybrooks.com)	(224)
	Police need to find this woman chop-chop (abclocal.go.com)	(40)
	Several pictures of a squirrel with enormous balls. It's what Fark was made for (dailymail.co.uk)	(118)
	Britain opens official inquiry into Iraq war, appoints insider to run it. Expect hard-hitting answers like "Iraq is in the desert," "soldiers fought there," "pie tastes good" (nytimes.com)	(70)
	Beachfront property owners band together to protest the State adding sand to their beaches. Which are vanishing because of erosion. Good thinking, guys (washingtonpost.com)	(176)
	The Institute for Really Bad Ideas is proud to present its latest breakthrough advertising campaign: A fashion shoot at the Holocaust memorial in Berlin (thelocal.de)	(69)
	How the mighty have fallen. It used to be that one Ranger could roundhouse kick an entire drug cartel in the face. Nowadays it takes two of them to shoot a guy in a wheelchair (torontosun.com)	(49)
	For sale: Charming 3bd 2 bath rancher, with contemporary kitchen, walk-in closets and basement full of hundreds of human remains from disturbed Indian graveyard. Vengeful spirits convey with property (news.yahoo.com)	(147)
	Kangaroo attacks man walking his dog. How roo'd (news.yahoo.com)	(49)
	Nanny state uses new terrorism powers to arrest schizophrenic with an Estes model rocket and a pocket knife (theregister.co.uk)	(117)
(Chicago Tribune)	Chicago: Crashes decreased since we installed red light cameras. Reporters: We checked the numbers and you're lying. Chicago: Crashes are the wrong way to measure effectiveness (chicagotribune.com)	(136)
	Photoshop this commission's news conference (online.wsj.com)	(41)
	While you wait in those lines this Friday for bargain deals, thieves are stealing your delivered packages off the porch (myfoxdc.com)	(98)
	Twelve Iranian couples to be stoned after deciding to give partner swapping a try, demonstrating once again how they do everything backwards over there (smh.com.au)	(401)
(Hexham Courant)	Woman discovers she's not allowed to have two asses (hexham-courant.co.uk)	(50)
	Hanging out on the corner and acting like an ass finally pays off (myfoxdc.com)	(41)
	That's a one spicy molotov (torontosun.com)	(38)
(WA Today)	Plumber wins compensation after being sacked for making sure his pipe was thoroughly cleaned out (watoday.com.au)	(27)
	Sign number 34 the recession is over? Illinois zoo stands to make $16,500 on jewelry made from reindeer crap (qctimes.com)	(40)
(Some Guy)	Campaign season for next Philippine presidential election gets underway, with "Samia Chicken" and "Ultimate Messiah" declaring their candidacies (thehimalayantimes.com)	(43)
(Some Señor)	If you've just rubbed rosemary-infused alcohol all over your body, you may want to wait a bit before lighting up (typicallyspanish.com)	(23)
	Tired of Wasilla getting all the mockery, Juneau couple break neighbors' window, taunt them, then have sex in front of them (fdlreporter.com)	(38)
	Katie Couric, you look good, won't you back that azz up, you's a fine anchorwoman, won't you back that azz up (huffingtonpost.com)	(290)
(Some Apparent Lightweight)	Ft. Lauderdale man smokes 115,000th joint after years of averaging 10 a day, but never gets high. I'm not sure how you've managed after all this practice, but you're doing it wrong (nbcmiami.com)	(119)
	The more germs a child is exposed to during early childhood, the better their immune system in later life. "These germs are actually good for us" (guardian.co.uk)	(181)
	Kirk Camerowned (tmz.com)	(573)
	Photoshop this hypno-gizmo (boingboing.net)	(34)
	Nearly six in ten Mexicans say living in the U.S. is much better than back in Old Mexico. Lou Dobbs' head to explode in 3... 2... 1 (fe17.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(238)
	Charges dropped against dad who drove a drunken intruder away from his wife and young kids... with a samurai sword. There can be only one (news.com.au)	(172)
	The Public Option, which was alive, then dead, then alive, then dead, then alive, then dead, then alive... is now dead? (blogs.abcnews.com)	(239)
	If you are the person who stole more than 1,000,000 bees, please return them as it is nearly pollination season (nzherald.co.nz)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Caption President Obama and his staff overlooking a computer (topcultured.com)	(231)
(The Courier)	Scottish city declines to sanction official drunken street party for New Year's, since citizens manage to have one every other night of the year without any help (thecourier.co.uk)	(28)