Wed April 10, 2013
Photoshop this hunter
Vladimir Putin's name hurriedly removed from secret Finnish list of wanted criminals after police realize no one in Finland is brave enough to arrest him
Cuba pulls a reverse Janet Reno
You'll get over it
Where exactly was Drew this morning?
Florida man, misses his mom, steals $75,000 worth of soup
The world would be a happier place if we all had a therapy llama
"Boxers work to knock out Parkinson's symptoms" Briefs, however, kill your sperm and leaves you shakin' with regret
'Please help' and the 8 other things Earthlings want to say to extraterrestrials ... Turns out, we're a fairly self-obsessed bunch
Typical Drink: Obscure micro-brews, including one that they brew right on the premises that smells like a diseased elephant sh**ting out a dead cat
Now's the time to regulate the furries of Times Square and render them impotent before they multiply
Man squats a dictionary-word gmail address in 2004 and forgets about it. Finds 4,382 unread messages, 9 years later. For the New Yorker, this is a shocking story
Tunisian Blogger who is living under death threats after posting topless protest photos of herself online to activists in Europe who protested topless and burned a Muslim prayer flag in "soldiarity": Okay, you are SO not helping
Transgender high school student may wear original Wang to prom, Kerry on wayward Un, and Eric Holder is looking at the wrong porn: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/31 - 4/6
Teenager has survived on nothing but noodles since age 5 because parenting is too much work
Texas executes Glenn Beck
Turns out Waffle House is even worse for you than previously thought
Anonymous kidney donor meets the woman he saved. Also donated a ton of dust to the room
Fed releases minutes early. It's okay, that can happen to anyone
You had ONE job
Researchers discover porn sites may contain malware, porn
Parents of pregnant panda: We're going to need a paternity test -- and a shotgun
"The report does not indicate what reason the man gave for sprinting around his neighborhood in the nude"
The Marine whose flag covered the face of Saddam's statue that was toppled in the famous photo from early in the Iraq war, isn't real interested in it or him being used for propaganda purposes anymore
Smug Massachusetts laughs as backwards Mississippi town sues the gubmnt to take away horrifying wind turbines that are destroying their health. Wait, got those two states switched around; sorry
God: "Damnit, foiled again"
Mother challenges 9-year-old son to write an apology for pinching his brother in the family jewels, son knocks the ball out of the park
Washington state has filed a lawsuit against the florist who refused to do the flowers for a gay wedding due to her "relationship with Jesus". WWJD, indeed?
Elephant hurt in drive-by shooting. Witnesses described the shooter as an olde-timey fellow who was rambling about AC/DC and his license plate read "ED1-S0N"
The problem with critiquing the press's coverage of the Kermit Gosnell trial is the implication that the the press is covering the Kermit Gosnell trial
Arizona lawmaker demands to know who leaked to the media an email he sent from his public e-mail account. Bonus: The second email he sent complaining about the media leak of the first email is also given to the media
Have a 10-month-old puppy you don't want and don't know what to do with it? Tie it to some train tracks in the desert, of course. (Spoiler: puppy now up for adoption.)
Man arrested for bringing meat cleaver to maternity ward. And this is why the original cover to the Beatles album 'Yesterday and Today' was banned
An insightful, thoughtful and very personal remembrance of Margaret Thatcher and "Thatcherism." The reason for the "unlikely" tag? It's written by Russell Brand
(Some Guy)
The truths about school shootings that Huffington Post doesn't want you to read
The perfect storm of conspiracy theories: combine the energy crisis, global warming and aliens and wrap them all into one giant plot masterminded by corporations and government
Before he discovered his love of pie, Kim Jong Un was a fan of show tunes
America welcomes its very first Legoland hotel
With the impending nuclear attack by Best Korea or a million NK soldiers just going *boom*, what does the Chinese Media think about Dear Leader?
South Korea: You know what we need? Nukes. Hey US, can you give us nukes?
Having failed to do anything about the other end of the spectrum, co-developer of in vitro fertilization dies at age 87
"Another officer arrived and the two asked the people what they were doing. They said they were looking for a place to go fishing. The officers noted none of them had fishing gear"
Ronald Reagan only had the power of radio to announce "the bombing begins in five minutes." Today, the city of Yokohama has the power of Twitter to announce the same
This is it, folks. US and Japan brace for impact. Will Best Korea launch a missile as a "test"? Will the US respond with force? Will China smack a biatch? This is your official "drop it like it's Un" April 10th discussion thread
Suspicious vehicle spotted near White House. Hey, did someone actually buy Uncle Joe a biatchin' Trans Am after all?
Pakistan trolls North Korea: "Oh a ballistic missile test on Wednesday - you mean like this?"
Lancaster, California wants to become the "Solar capital of the universe." Well, I suppose that sounds a lot better than "Last stop until Bakersfield"
Stephen Hawking visits stem cell lab because genetically engineered henchmen aren't going to create themselves
Judge smacks down copyright trolls in porn case. Hot
Virginia's Governor Bob "The Trans-V" McDonnell would like you to know that he had nothing to do with spending $15,000 of campaign donor money on his daughter's wedding, even though the caterer's $3,500 refund check came straight to him
(Some Aquaman)
Photoshop this aquatic bedchamber
(SFBG)
In celebration of the upcoming Oakland Internet Cat Video Festival, here is an in-depth analysis of internet cat culture. With bonus illustration of famous cats playing poker
Texas based Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill chain, going with truth in advertising trademarks the term 'Breastaurant'
Vancouver BC sports parks board thinks they can make heckling parents do pushups for calling the other team a bunch of bed wetting losers
Cops say man used feces to cover grow house smell. Must have been some good shiat
Old and busted: Texting while driving. New and busted: Texting while piloting a medical helicopter
Man looking for cans to recycle finds a bag containing $4000, does the right thing and turns it in to the police. Gets a call the owner of the money wants to thank him and give him $400 reward
"Cosby continued to yell and make threats to those restraining him, threatening to slit their throats and send their genitals to their mothers." What, did someone make fun of his sweaters?
Judge orders city to pay firemen millions in--OH MY GOD THERE IS A FACE IN THE SMOKE
Girl raped at 15 and then bullied for 2 years over photos rapists took & shared online commits suicide
Police unsure why man came to police headquarters, stripped, pulled the fire alarm and injured two officers while they were subduing him. Oh, wait, this was in Trenton, NJ? Say no more
County utilities department forgets that if you charge people for backflow testing, you should probably perform said tests
Reddit user who confessed to murder turns out to be a liar. I can't believe it. I just can't believe someone would go on the internet and tell lies
... o_o ... -_- ... o_o ... -_- ... o_o
102-year-old man says the secret to a long life is "no nightclubbing and all that business"
How does Arnold Palmer order an Arnold Palmer?
Tue April 09, 2013
When the porn makes you feel like inserting an eel ... that's a moray
Smoking hot 36-year-old primary school teacher arrested for sex with student. Just kidding, she quits her day job to become a full-time pole dancer (w/pics)
Giant penis causes closure of world-famous Nurburgring racing track
British supermarket chain Asda says it is recalling all corned beef from its budget range after traces of a veterinary drug were found in some batches
Unhappy with your DUI? Do you c) drunkenly go to the house of the trooper who arrested you to complain with a beer in your hand
Photoshop this fast man going past fans
Have a question for a lesbian? Don't ask any of these ten stupid ones. Try thinking outside the box
This is the mugshot of a man who picked a fight with everyone on board his flight
The majesty of orbiting the Moon during the Apollo missions: seeing Earth float in Space, ruminating on our role in the Universe, having your turds float in Zero-G in the capsule and asking Mission Control what to do
In an effort to be recognized as something other than a measure of size, Rhode Island now boasts the country's most unpopular governor
Remember the old abandoned mansions you were reading about the other day? You can scratch one off your list
Miriam, 49, who sprouted full beard after son's birth says she is looking for love and has never felt sexier
NJ welcomes its first professional Ultimate frisbee team, the NJ Hammerh... wait, did that just say "professional Ultimate frisbee"?
Photoshop these auto workers
Ladies, 88% of men like some shrubbery down there, just keep the garden well maintained
Tired of this rampant proliferation of beer snobs? No worries, the arsenic that comes from all those fancy filtering processes they love so much will probably kill them soon
North Korea has notified nations that it plans to launch a missile over Japan on Wednesday. Japan has notified North Korea that if it does it's about to have a really bad rest of the week
Stabbings reported at Lone Star College in Texas. A suspect is still on the loose and in possession of at least one fully automatic assault knife
"It was still alive when we got it out but it died soon afterwards, which was probably a mercy." The Asinine tag goes searching for another "s"
Woman tries to steal research ship for a three hour tour, a three hour tour
US man attempts a reverse Elián González
Former Rep. Anthony Weiner, a man noted for his stand-up ways, is thinking about running for mayor of New York. Suggest a campaign slogan or bumper sticker
After deciding to climb a mountain to "touch the clouds," hiker "hallucinated wildly" while lost in California forest. Well, isn't that pretty much what you go out into the forest to do in California?
Spanx sued for patent, good taste infringement
Olivia Wilde, Emma Stone team up for who cares, you've already clicked the link
Couple comes home to find burglar feeding their dog. Fark: Dog leaves with burglar
Premier League plans to not ask its clubs to hold a one-minute jeering session in memory of Margaret Thatcher
" U.S. special forces face the serious danger of being bogged down in a permanent game of global whack-a-mole"
Do not taunt the photobombing gorilla, he might just get up close and personal with you
"Ashley is passed out naked on the bathroom floor" is a A) Lyric from a new ZZ Top song. C) An example of a hilarious note left for roommates
Man won't stop singing 'Thrift Shop' at thrift shop, so girlfriend assaults him
Officer: Have you shot any of the meth that you made? Idiot: No way I don't want to kill myself
"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" enters download chart top 40 following the wicked witch's death
Turns out that all those "brain improvement" games do is make people better at playing brain improvement games. In other news, someone just told Ric Romero about sodoku
Liberal press does not support incarceration of Fox News reporter because
Man arrested at Burger King for having it his way on the sidewalk
This week in Sentences No One Has Said Before: "America is suffering a serious lack of lawyers"
Agents investigating insider trading are surprised to learn that so many market-busting portfolios are owned by children under 10. Whose parents just happen to be traders. Hm, odd
The bad habits that are actually good for you. Good news Cheetos in bed eaters
A day in the life of a penis enlargement surgeon (Possibly Not safe for work)
You know you're in Florida when you're reading about a skinny man in pink sunglasses rummaging through someone's garbage and it's the fourth story down on the local police blotter
Hey students, now teachers know when you're done reading your E-books, or if you've read them at all. Think of it as Big Brother but in a good way, it's for your own good
Planned demolition of a industrial chimney stack goes wrong, leaving it from standing fully erect to merely morning wood erect
Monkey chatter smacks of human speech, Twitter smacks of monkey chatter. Now I want cereal
Woman robs bank using two cans of spaghetti sauce she claimed was a bomb. Police warn people to also be on the lookout for her accomplice, a Mr. Hector Boiardi
6.3 magnitude earthquake in Iran. And nothing of value was lost
Let's just call it Birth Control Roulette
Bad: You're driving along the interstate when something crashes through your windshield and lands in your back seat. Good: Thanksgiving comes early
For a refreshing change, a mom posts a list of 10 things about which non-breeders need to ESS. TEE. EFF. YOO. (Update: Turns out the author is a dad)
Was the Iraq invasion worthwhile? Let's ask Ahmed, the Iraqi. Oh...wait, Ahmed just got pinched by a religious group. How about we go to Ollie Hussein for this report. Ollie? "LOTSA PEOPLE DEAD" Thanks, Ollie
Mexican Barbie comes complete with passport, but not visa stamp for entry into the US
Photoshop this golden flight
I shall call it... well I'm not going to call it Fukushima 2, that's for sure
The coolest video of the Navy shooting down a drone with a laser you'll see all day
Patriot missile systems rush-deployed to Tokyo
"Hey Good Lookin'" I'll be back to pick you up later"
"The secret life of cats: What you can learn by putting a GPS on your kitty." Subby learned his cat eats, sleeps, poops, and is plotting to kill him. Wait.... I thought that was ALL cats?
Good news, Catholics: Lutheran bishop gets loaded and mows down a former cop proving that protestants can fark up, too
You know how cops are always artificially inflating the potential proceeds in their drug busts? Well one guy in Colorado is suing the police for $210,000, for his illegally seized pot. Police to say this is exorbitant in 5..4
What do you get the man who has everything except a girlfriend?
Go heat up one of those Egg Rolls you've got in the freezer to enjoy while you read this
News: Cleanliness or lack of it the biggest problem, but the report also included everything from a cockroach infestation to feral cats living beneath a portable building FARK: This is a school they are talking about
NH man busted in Maine for 41 pounds of illegal baby eels, with an estimated street value of $82,000
If you pay for a 'Budget Boob Job' you should not be surprised if it's botched (Not safe for work)
Turns out Hooter's waitresses aren't supposed to have shaved heads and big scars. Clearly this isn't the Myrtle Beach Hooters
New Jersey grandmother founds "Cursive Club" to keep alive the delicate art of cursive handwriting
Man loses dart game, punches wall, crashes car, calls 911 to report himself for drunk driving, gets arrested. TA-DAAA (w/mugshot)
Everything is for sale in Florida -- even the vase off your grave
Your Best Korean troll of the day for April 9, 2013: Pyongyang issues warning for all foreigners to evacuate Worst Korea immediately
Ahh the internets. Is there anything it can't do?
Further proof that living in a gated golf course community does not protect you from neighbors with "hold my beer and watch this" tendencies
I used to be a bouncer at a strip club, until I took an arrow to the knee
Mon April 08, 2013
Deputy puts his gun down for a minute, a friend's 4-year-old picks it up and shoots the deputy's wife dead. That's the deputy's story, and he's sticking to it (link replaced)
"Hey baby, I'll show you why they call is the cockpit," says another drunk 20-something facing federal charges for thinking he's cooler than he is when hitting on a flight attendant
Can Michigan bring the NCAA trophy back to the B1G? Will Rick Pitino finally win one for Louisville? Is Kevin Ware resting comfortably? It's YOUR NCAA men's basketball championship thread, LIVE at 9pm Eastern on CBS
Frog-phobic elderly man wins $1.6M in lawsuit, says he hopes to spend it before he croaks
Photoshop a Farkism into an historical event
Nine of the most fascinating abandoned mansions worldwide. Subby would haunt that
Searching for the sequester in the middle of Ohio. It's always in the last place you'd look
The US Navy has developed a real, honest-to-God laser gun, mounted it on a ship, and is about to begin live-testing it with the Fifth Fleet. Next step: sharks
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰 ✈
Study concludes women find men with larger penises more attractive, according to groundbreaking research from the Scientific Institute of Jon Hamm, Liam Neeson, and Submitter
Scientists prove that looking at busty women for 10 minutes a day is good for your health. In other news, FARK is now officially a nation of supermen
Photoshop this outdoor reception
The final round of The Consumerist's Worst Company in America competition is here, and it's a repeat of last year as Bank of America and EA square off in a battle to prove who sucks more
You are five times more likely to be involved in a car crash due to daydreaming versus using your smartphone according to the US Texting Institute
Did a murderer use the Confession Bear internet meme to reveal his crime? Skeptical Hippo is not so sure
WikiLeaks at it again. Releases secret data from 1973-1976. Apparently Alice Cooper is firing his band and Nixon is a Dick
Miners can't find more gold, search for 'dark matter' instead
Neruda to be retro-post-modernist deconstructed one last time
And the next catastrophe set to be caused by global warming is (spins wheel of doom): giant crabs and oyster herpes
M-I-C. See you in heaven Annette Funicello. K-E-Y. Why? Complications from multiple sclerosis, M-O-U-S-Eeeeeeee
The catapult, which was first described in the 4th century BC, will finally reach its full potential as it launches a stealthy unmanned aerial vehicle from a nuclear powered, mobile forward air base for the first time next month
So just how much is Tim Pernetti getting as his severance package from Rutgers? Try a cool $1.2 million, car expenses, two years healthcare...AND AN IPAD
The French government probably should have looked up "Le Streisand Effect" before extorting deletion of a Wikipedia article for reasons of national security
You'll never guess the type of content that gets downloaded from within Vatican City. Hint: rhymes with corn
Scanning your ass on the company copier is about to get a lot more expensive if these patent trolls get their way
NASA not going to make another moon set
The State of Florida is Tired of Seeing Your Naughty Bits..."Revenge Porn" Bill Proposed, Makes Sharing Naked Pictures and Videos a Felony
The Westboro Baptist Church says they will picket Roger Ebert's funeral. Hopefully some Chicago Farkers will stage a peaceful counter-demonstration
Meet Kim Jong-un's less responsible, Disney-obsessed older brother
You will burn. You will freeze. The moon will explode. Four gruesome apocalypse scenarios...from 1939
What do you get when you mix "bicyclists with a passion for spontaneous acts of silliness" with "very regimented" transit managers? A rare bit of common sense from both
Broadcasters fearful of the growing number of "Zero TV" people. We'll tell you why they're growing right after this 5 minute ad block. Plus: Remember to watch the debut of Buttcracks of Bel-Air on Bravo tonight
Holy cow. Third of Americans support Christianity as official religion
Apparently concerned that he wasn't looking enough like a James Bond/Bruce Lee movie villian, Kim Jong Un views military exercises by the North Korean Army's elite ninja squadrons
Greek student decided to express his not so positive opinion of the greek Parliament written on a piece of paper, "First time in a brothel". Shared it on Facebook, got a 5 day suspension and now is asking for vindication from the online community
William Faulkner: Acclaimed writer, Nobel Prize recipient, and damn serious about getting to the hair salon on time
Margaret Thatcher: destroyer of all that was good and noble about Engl-- wha? She helped invent soft-serve ice cream? THAT MONSTER
"I'd been warned my whole life about homophobia, but no one ever said anything about homophobiaphobia"
Ever wanted Nutella spread so badly that you would steal more than 5 tons of it?
Americans: We found a way to make chocolate with half the fat. British: Can it be made with alcohol? I am so proud right now. The British, asking the important questions since 3700 BC
Replace any word or phrase in a well-known literary passage with the phrase "your mom." Example: "Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do your mom." Voting enabled
"My brother and I used to say that drownin' in Corona was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven. This sucks"
Steve McQueen's vintage Indian to likely fetch up to $28,000. Also, Dude, "Indian" is not the preferred nomenclature. Native American, please
C is for criminal and that is what he is. Cookie Monster jailed for fighting with a toddler in Times Square
Guess what the "safe driver act" really is. Click to see if you're right
Stupid scientists ask "Could you outrun a TRex?" when they should be asking, "Can you outrun your research assistant in the event of a TRex attack?"
NRCC debuts "Words With Elizabeth" attack ad on Colbert Busch. DCCC to respond with "Adult Friend Finder with Mark Sanford"
Woman allegedly performs sex act at BP station to get a better car deal
Boston Dynamics, creators of the BigDog pack mule robot, create a life-like humanoid robot that will further haunt your dreams
Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson could be charged with battery. No word on where the rest of the device is
You are free to show Vladimir Putin your boobs
Andrew Cuomo has a grand plan to end corruption in the state legislature. Subby has a grand plan to seduce Kate Upton, and Drew has a grand plan to remain sober this weekend
Photoshop theme: US Mint is running a contest for a baseball coin design contest. Follow their rules if you want to enter their contest, or ignore them to enter here
Iron Lady rusts in peace
Mudslide derails three cars of an Amtrak train. No one on board injured. Or, being Amtrak, perhaps it was just no one on board
(Some Guy)
Who would have thought that a simple tool shed would be so interesting?
300 Peruvian Taxi drivers respond to radio station's call for help to light up runway so a medevac plane could make emergency take off
Cab drivers threaten to stop picking up passengers if city continues to force them to charge a flat rate. In other words, business as usual
What do you mean we atheists are Islamophobe hatemongers? That's ridi... well, that's actually pretty spot-on
Motherflippin' Best Korea better watch out, 'cause New Zealand says it's business time
Eight abandoned Antarctic whaling stations. Come for the Lenin statue, stay for the Predators
Granted that it's harder to pass the sobriety tests with one leg..But this guy has had 7 chances
Now that Chavez is gone, things are back to normal in Venezuela. Well, except for that whole "vote for me or a centuries-old curse will strike you" thing
Expensive multifunction toilet stolen from Japanese park. Authorities have nothing to go on
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