Mon May 28, 2012
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Photoshop this swooping cyclist (msnbcmedia.msn.com)
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For sale: Fixer upper. 48 bedrooms, no bath. $4 million. No HOA (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (Some Loon) |
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Woman recognizes image of God in mixing bowl -- probably because it resembles all the pictures she has of Him (bournemouthecho.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Online petition for Diane Tran has reached 20,000 signatures and almost $30,000 has been raised to help the honor student teen who was jailed for truancy (datelinenews.org)
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Brain surgeon hides engagement ring in the sand at the beach for his girlfriend to find, then can't remember where he hid it (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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| (Unintelligible) |
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Submitter needs suggestions for a House Fly home remedy - anyone got something better than this? anything? (wikihow.com)
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How to select the most appropriate wine by vintage and bouquet for your delicate palate after you slap the burgers and dogs on the BBQ. With helpful picture of wine glass full of beer (eatocracy.cnn.com)
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The rules don't apply: it's the holiday edition of the Mugshot Roundup (thesmokinggun.com)
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Ever find yourself missing Rainforest Crunch? How about Fresh Georgia Peach, or Wild Maine Blueberry? Console yourself by making a pilgrimage to Ben & Jerry's Flavor Graveyard (newser.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The most common grade at American universities is now an A. It's good to know that all our university students are above average (gradeinflation.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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A high school student who stopped some students from bullying a mentally disabled student on the bus is A) Thanked by the school. B) Honored by the school. C) Banned from the bus (opposingviews.com)
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Parent upset after snowflake gets 'humiliating' joke award for not doing her homework. If only there was some way to avoid this, like MAKING HER DO HER GOTDAMM HOMEWORK OCCASIONALLY (dailymail.co.uk)
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This farmer thought he had only lost 99 cows, but then he rounded them up (buffalonews.com)
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Photoshop these soccer players (telegram.com)
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Tropical Storm Beryl enters Florida, immediately becomes depressed. Farkers fully understand why (cnn.com)
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Andy Rooney's WWII scoop from Nov 7th, 1944: The day Nazi 'robot rockets' almost bombed New York (usatoday.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Chances are, if you're growing a two foot tall marijuana plant in a pot outside your front door, you won't get a chance to smoke it (bradenton.com)
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Canadian hang-glider pilot says he's really sorry he dropped that poor tourist to her death, and he only swallowed the video evidence because his 12-year-old daughter stressed him out (dailymail.co.uk)
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In this day and age, the Golden Gate bridge would never be built, thanks to hipsters, enviro-nuts and Disney (mercurynews.com)
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Dick Winters, a true American hero, immortalized with a statue in Normandy. It's about damn time (pennlive.com)
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Apparently Best Korean officials are suffering from contagious and deadly "traffic accidents" (telegraph.co.uk)
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Police state that naked man eating another naked man's face is certainly a rare occurrence. "Other theories abounded, of course, sometimes leading to comparisons to one horror-movie staple, zombies" (miamiherald.com)
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Survey indicates women enjoy the best sex of their lives when they reach 28, men at 33. After that, it's all downhill (thesun.co.uk)
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As one of the only folks wearing clothing in the nudist resort, Hodges was easily spotted by deputies who arrested him at gunpoint after robbing two clerks at a nearby home improvement store and then stealing a golf cart (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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If you have to cross the new San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge on a regular basis, you probably should not read this article (sacbee.com)
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Anonymous resident of one of New York's trendiest neighborhood puts notes on light poles informing tourists how to behave properly. And New Yorkers wonder why the rest of the country think they're elitist jerksnobs (poconorecord.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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You know that sugar scrub you see offered on backpage? Turns out they are real things. Subby thought it was a euphemism for something else. Anyway, here's how you can put one together, maybe to give on Father's Day (thelook.today.msnbc.msn.com)
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| (Bellingham Herald) |
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Semi hauling toilet paper tips over on highway. Fark puns taken off the endangered species list (bellinghamherald.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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In an effort to get more loyal customers, bar will serve you a free steak if you buy a drink worth $4 or more. Your dog wants in on the next pub crawl (dailytelegraph.com.au)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: American flags displayed for Memorial Day. News: At Arlington National Cemetery. Awesome: 260,000 of them (fortstewart.patch.com)
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Photoshop this severe weather shelter (msnbcmedia.msn.com)
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Crimefighter who rides a chopper. In Afghanistan. And is a female. Don't mess with her (bbc.co.uk)
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Daily Show writer partners with Slate to crowdsource ideas for amending and rewriting the Constitution. Provide your ideas to the right (hive.slate.com)
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Canada's national archives is being dismantled and scattered, who needs to remember the history of the polar bear uprising anyway eh? (boingboing.net)
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Man disappears in Niagara Falls whirlpool; presumed to be spinning in his grave (thespec.com)
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Sun May 27, 2012
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Woman swallows toothbrush while brushing her teeth. Surgeons remove it before Oral B becomes Anal B (upi.com)
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MSNBC Host Chris Hayes: I'm 'Uncomfortable' calling fallen military 'Heroes' (newsbusters.org)
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What do you REALLY know about the Queen? (dailymail.co.uk)
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A survey reveals that one-third of British pet owners would rather go away with their pet on vacation than their immediate family (upi.com)
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I'm thinking of using a non-sequitor to greet various people. I was thinking something like "Brother" or "Boss". Maybe "Man". What non-sequitors do you use or have used on you? (fark.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Passing President (whitehouse.gov)
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The Lord is just in all his ways: redlight runner who hit nun has iPhone stolen by passerby offering to phone police (thestar.com)
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Can you order top shelf hookers at the Travelodge? It's more likely than you think. (Not safe for workish) (thesun.co.uk)
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70 years ago today Czech partisans made Hitler very angry (bbc.co.uk)
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Newly upgraded to a tropical storm and now Beryling in on Southeast coast (cbsnews.com)
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Man tries, fails to buy meal at Denny's with $1 and bag of pot. You'd think if there was anywhere this offer would have been successful, it would have been Denny's (buffalonews.com)
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Photoshop this multicolored specimen having a snack (cdn4.spiegel.de)
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| (KETV) |
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Couple married for 65 years reveals secret of marital bliss: wearing matching outfits wherever they go (ketv.com)
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Behold a pale horse (nj.com)
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| (WAMU) |
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Maine soft-shell lobsters are in early this year. Marine biologists require more clarified butter to determine why (wamu.org)
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The Death List: Cars that aren't coming back for 2013. Subby will sob for Saab, the rest shall not be missed (autos.yahoo.com)
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Come listen to a story about a man named John / A poor farmer, barely kept his family fed / Then one day he was growin' up some food / And up from the ground came a bubblin' crude / Oil that is, black gold, Kansas tea (money.cnn.com)
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Reporter shows up too late to cover a sandstorm, tries to recreate it (metro.co.uk)
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How to be #1 SUPER-PATRIOT. USA USA USA USA (mentalfloss.com)
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If you don't like these amusing examples of passive aggressive behavior, than you can kindly piss off (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (Gulf News) |
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128 drivers fined for driving below speed limit. Obviously not in Florida (gulfnews.com)
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Hey dude, it's a holiday. I'm just going to sit around getting sconed (kansas.com)
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The paperclip was invented in 1899 and has never been improved upon since. It is, quite possibly, the perfect invention (slate.com)
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All whiskey tastes the same, just get the $5 bottle. There, THAT'S how you troll a whiskey thread. Or spell it whisky (chicagotribune.com)
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (washingtonpost.com)
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Brazilians seek to lay NYC bare. Giggity (nypost.com)
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You're welcome, Class of 2012: Top 10 things no one tells high school graduates (ramblingbeachcat.com)
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Photoshop this corpulent crimefighter (inapcache.boston.com)
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"One dolla bid, now two, now two, will ya' give me two? Two dolla bid, now three, now three, will ya' give me three? Threedollathreedolla, going once...going twice...SOLD - to the evil banker scum in the plaid jacket" (thestar.com)
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More and more members of Generation Y are discovering that instead of having mom and dad pay for their rent each month, it makes more sense to have mom and dad buy them a house (couriermail.com.au)
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The $77 million cow pasture: "They were going to build a city. There should have been roads. There should have been homes. What do you see? A broken-down barn and a head of cattle" (miamiherald.com)
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Police officer breaks into neighbor's home to do laundry. Fails to make a clean getaway (metro.co.uk)
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Florida saved 61 children from death by abuse and neglect.... by narrowing its definitions of abuse and neglect (miamiherald.com)
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I have no idea what you're talking about, here's a senior citizen in a chair floating above the ground (cbc.ca)
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Memorial Day: how it's changed, and why some people think it should not be part of a three-day weekend (news.nationalgeographic.com)
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Born in Malaysia in 1923, after 3 years as a Japanese POW during WWII, 3 years fighting for the US Army in Korea, and an act of Congress to become a US citizen, he still says "every day is a holiday." He's also submitter's dad (nj.com)
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Sat May 26, 2012
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The eyes, the giant EYES..... GAAAAH (huffingtonpost.com)
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Delta Airlines begins testing flights with even crappier service (ajc.com)
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Only in Miami: Police shoot, kill naked man who was EATING A MAN'S FACE (miamiherald.com)
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You can get just about anything you want at Afghan markets, including lots of stolen American military goods (stripes.com)
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Chicago Fark Party - 9 June - New bat time, new bat channel (fark.com)
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Apparently one of the 11 secret herbs and spices KFC uses is wood harvested from Indonesia's endangered rain forest (azcentral.com)
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New York Times jumps on goofy trend piece bandwagon, explores hot trend of 16-year-old "young cougars" going to prom with 14-year-old boys (theatlanticwire.com)
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Body found floating in Nova Scotia river stuffed in hockey bag. If this story was any more Canadian, it would be leaking maple syrup (ctv.ca)
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Photoshop this gripping girl (inapcache.boston.com)
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Jail in South Carolina to allow alcohol, but only if you believe in Jesus (postandcourier.com)
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Arizona spends $125 million per year on 13,000 K-12 students who don't exist. Can I haz Arizona tag now, plz? (foxbusiness.com)
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You'd probably squawk, too, if some government busybody named your kids "Archie" and "Juliette" (upi.com)
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SeaWorld's new Manta Rollercoaster stalled on its second day of operation; SeaWorld said not to worry, they'd call in a manta fix it (utsandiego.com)
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For first time in 14 years, ugly assed baby meerkat born at Tulsa zoo. w/vid (tulsaworld.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Meanwhile in North Carolina... With bonus irony for the town name (addictinginfo.org)
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Happy 75th birthday to the Golden Gate Bridge, the most beautiful bridge in the world (huffingtonpost.com)
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Photoshop this frog jumping coach (msnbcmedia.msn.com)
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China criticizes the U.S. on its "dismal" human rights record, citing police brutality, arresting protesters, and strict restrictions on the internet (cnn.com)
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Hey, why don't we have a gardening thread? BRING ON THE ORGANIC TROLLS (oregonlive.com)
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What happens when a precious little snowflake get his JD and goes to work on Wall Street? He sues his health spa for $500k for not receiving his "full complimentary breakfast" (abcnews.go.com)
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Alcohol was definitely involved (thesun.co.uk)
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Ink is pink (rawstory.com)
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Glitz, kitsch, human rights violations, a pack of Russian grandmothers, more cheese than a tailgate party at Lambeau Field, politicized voting, and Engelbert farking Humperdinck. It must be time for your 2012 Eurovision Song Contest thread (bbc.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Officer, you have the wrong house. There is NO armed robber here. My family is cooking dinner. Can we PLEASE go back inside and turn the stove off before a fire starts?" (wiod.com)
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Illinois adds $1 sales tax to cigarettes to help fund Medicaid (suntimes.com)
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13-year-old buys old Polaroid camera at a garage sale that holds a photo of a long-dead relative. Here's the kicker: boy knew what a Polaroid camera was (kansas.com)
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| (The Media Blog) |
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Today's utterly OMFG newspaper front page brought to you by the Liverpool Echo (themediablog.typepad.com)
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Man robs payday loan store and flees to a nearby KFC... where he tries to flush the money down a toilet (desmoinesregister.com)
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It's very easy to get a Canadian passport. Unless you happen to be a Canadian citizen (torontosun.com)
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Who here can honestly say they've never gotten drunk and decided to throw a Molotov cocktail at a medical helicopter? (azfamily.com)
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Sometimes classic car restoration can be challenging. On other occasions you find all the component parts for a 1925 MG buried separately under two inches of concrete beneath a cow shed (bbc.co.uk)
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Punching, spitting, and pepper spray. Behold the power of BACON (thesmokinggun.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Vodak made from prickly pear cactus brings a whole new meaning to the term "spiked drink" (kltv.com)
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Photoshop this determined golfer (telegram.com)
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Brooklyn school tries to keep Class of 2012 prom goers from starting the Class of 2030 (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)
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You're 17, looking after your little sister after your parents cut and ran, working two jobs and pulling honors grades. You deserve jail time for missing too much school. Tag is for girl (cbsatlanta.com)
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| (Some Guy in the Majority) |
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By a margin of 56 to 36 percent, a majority of American voters now favor legalizing marijuana (realvail.com)
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How to correctly cook scrambled eggs. Yes...you've been doing it wrong (youtube.com)
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Sometimes you rescue a cat, and sometimes ... that cat rescues you right back. A happy little story just in time for Caturday (tissues not included) (huffingtonpost.com)
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| (Detroit News) |
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Detroit officials plan to turn off half of all streetlights to save cash. Angry residents once again left in the dark (detroitnews.com)
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NASA worried that future lunar visitors may destroy historical sites on the moon, issues guidelines telling them to stay on the outside of the imaginary rope. Fry and Leela unavailable for comment (wired.com)
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San Diego Fark Party, THIS SATURDAY May 26th 6:00pm at Pizza Port Solana Beach (fark.com)
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Can you grow a bread with Rogaine? Here comes the SCIENCE (io9.com)
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High school approves senior prank involving markers. Because you're reading this on Fark, you can safely assume that there was a glitch or two (readingeagle.com)
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Guess which German city is having a problem with rats? C'mon, this is an easy one (hosted.ap.org)
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| (Some Guy) |
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No one has ever been arrested on the charge of pimping in North Dakota ever before - until now (wday.com)
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Vatican police investigating leaking of confidential documents come to the obvious conclusion. The butler did it (bbc.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Professor complains that crosses on state university entrance tower violate the separation of church and state. Good Christians respond as Jesus would, by stalking, online harassment, death threats, and firing her from her job (au.org)
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UPDATED - TORONTO FARK PARTY - June 2nd. 1pm Red Sox @ Blue Jays, 8pm variety show at The Comedy Bar - stand-up, music and burlesque acts with Mike "Nug" Nahrgang (AKA The Mustard Man). Come mooch a beer off Drew (fark.com)
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Jackson, MS, schools will soon stop shackling students... well, most of them, anyway (usatoday.com)
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Jurassic Park was built by prisoners in Cuba, with obligatory pics of prehistoric Cubans fighting cave-bears (io9.com)
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Fri May 25, 2012
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At last, something to look forward to: If you are elderly and poor, prison is a better alternative than a retirement home (io9.com)
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After seeing his neighbor's tree get cut down--a tree planted in 1930, the year he was born--a man decided to make his own coffin out of it (qctimes.com)
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Child falls from window, lands in hospital. WE'VE GOT A TELEPORTER (blogs.desmoinesregister.com)
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In Kentucky you can get a 'Letter Jacket' for A) Football. B) Track. C) Bass fishing. D) All of the above (sports.yahoo.com)
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Worst traffic in America? Chicago is 2nd to none.....except for pizza (autos.yahoo.com)
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Woman reunited with bike she lost 41 years ago (huffingtonpost.com)
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White people from Portland prefer Tumblr, white people from Tulsa prefer Pinterest. Everyone else, apparently, has better things to do with their time that use digital corkboards (slate.com)
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Teen secretly lived in AOL's HQ for 2 months, eating free food, using gym & showers, sleeping in conference rooms while working on his start-up. Everyone assumed he worked there (news.cnet.com)
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Photoshop this new arrival from Alaska (msnbcmedia.msn.com)
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| (Some All American Guy) |
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The official list of words that get the attention of Homeland Security when you chat with your BFF Jill on FB (blog.alexanderhiggins.com)
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| (MyDesert.com) |
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It apparently requires the efforts of four TSA and two police officers to identify... an iPhone charger (mydesert.com)
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Dutch twin prostitutes, 69, serve as a harsh lesson on why you finish reading a headline before clicking (now.msn.com)
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Researchers use invisibility cloaks to trap, taste the rainbow (bbc.co.uk)
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Photoshop theme: If humans evolved from cats (en.wikipedia.org)
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It's time for the Fark News Quiz. The only quiz in the world that's easier to pass if you have a few stiff drinks first (fark.com)
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The incredibly strange but true story of invisible meth labs, dogs shot dead and John McAfee, founder of McAfee Antivirus, on the lam in Belize (gizmodo.com)
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Never seen early photos of the American West, AKA, at time when Americans had spirit, guts and balls (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (ktvb.com) |
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Armstrong. Collarbone, not so much (ktvb.com)
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Some people write "wash me" on dirty cars. Then there's this guy (mirror.co.uk)
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| (Lincoln Journal Star) |
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Old news: Nebraska man convicted of driving while drunk and naked, with truck full of naked passengers. New News: Arrested for stealing 2700 gallons of jet fuel to run his farm equipment. Fark: 1400 gallons of it remain missing (journalstar.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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One Million Moms is not pleased with Marvel and DC's homosexual comic book characters, sees no reason why they have to go and gay up something wholesome like men sneaking off to put on flamboyant costumes and grapple with each other (robot6.comicbookresources.com)
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Woman complains her husband needs porn on TV to get him in the mood for sex - without once describing in detail the porn in question (mirror.co.uk)
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| (National Weather Service) |
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That strange noise your phone just made? You probably shouldn't ignore it as you're about to get hit by a tornado or swept away by a tsunami (erh.noaa.gov)
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| (WJAC TV) |
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Good: Petting the sweet kitty at neighborhood bonfire. Bad: Kitty is an ankle biter. Worse: Kitty has rabies. OH SHIAT: Kitty is also a grey fox (wjactv.com)
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The Colorado River is about to burst forth from its rigid confines and gush its majesty across the canyon. I came (usatoday.com)
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| (The Mercury) |
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Mum of two talks about her recent trip to the Playboy Mansion. Yes there's a gallery. Yes there was a lingerie/pyjama party. No, there's no word from her boyfriend about what he thinks about the trip (themercury.com.au)
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Doctor Who will carry the Olympic torch to Cardiff on Saturday, stop at the shop afterwards for some Jammie Dodgers (digitalspy.com)
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Philippine farmer fined for killing rare eagle. It was delicious (bbc.co.uk)
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Father upset that his third-grader daughter was drawing swastikas as part of her class art project when she was supposed to be studying Native American culture (azfamily.com)
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How do you get a woman to shut up while you're arguing with her? Urinate on her chest (wptv.com)
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| (Sauk Valley) |
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$10,000 worth of damage to home caused by rebellious teens skipping school. And by teens, I mean first graders (saukvalley.com)
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'The Demise of Guys': How video games and porn are ruining a generation. This...is CNN (cnn.com)
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"NFL locker rooms could be more than ready to not only accept, but embrace homosexual teammates" (content.usatoday.com)
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Mayor of a New Jersey town and worried about the recall drive against you? No problem, just hack the website calling for your recall and threaten everyone involved (arstechnica.com)
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Not news: man divorces wife over her cats. Fark: she has 550 of them (shortlist.com)
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You're in the office, these animals are in the sun (stylist.co.uk)
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"We will not let a tornado ruin our wedding, FARK you tornado" (newsok.com)
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Well, you know what they say: "crazy in the head" (gizmodo.com)
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I've got some good news men...well, mostly good news. The desire to send naked pics is hard wired into the human brain...especially the female brain (dailymail.co.uk)
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The UAE would like to respectfully request that the foreign women who visit it stop dressing like such whores (cnn.com)
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "Man goes to hospital with a kidney stone... and discovers he's a woman" (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Milestone in construction of USS Gerald R. Ford, America's newest nuclear powered aircraft carrier; its penis was installed yesterday (pic) (hamptonroads.com)
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Leave it to Marion Barry to say something racist while apologizing for saying something racist (wtop.com)
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Disneyland Japan to let cute Japanese lesbians have their wedding at the theme park. This is a great step forward for gay rights in Japan and... aw, hell, you stopped reading at "Cute Japanese Lesbians", didn't you? (smh.com.au)
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Chile builds the world's biggest pool. Bring your swim suit and sailboat (blog.sfgate.com)
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Doctor arrested for DUI goes insane inside squad car, spitting blood on a state trooper and descending into a rampage (Warning: graphic video) (sun-sentinel.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Judge approves extradition for L.A. arsonist's mother, whose photo will now be attached to every "your mom" Fark headline (mega949.com)
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Bacon tourism is real, and it's spectacular (cnbc.com)
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Not to alarm anyone, but right now there is a full-blown war going on between two Mexican cartels and there is no end in sight (azcentral.com)
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Drug dealer running late for a rap concert sends his mother to pick up ten kilos of heroin at an IHOP, neither realizing the operation was a sting. Oh I bet he is SO grounded (chicagotribune.com)
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Man subpoenas K-9 officer to testify in his defense, "I was hoping that they would let me plant marijuana in the courthouse to see if he could find drugs" (wtsp.com)
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NY motorcyclist loses license for speeding at 170 mph. Well duh, it probably blew out of his pocket (washingtonpost.com)
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This one time, at band cave (content.usatoday.com)
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The specials today are a fresh arugula salad with lardons and a balsamic vinaigrette, a butter-poached dover sole, and the chef's own genitals. Wait, what? (not safe for, well, anything) (huffingtonpost.com)
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I like my women like I like my dwarfs, dopey and sleepy (stuff.co.nz)
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| (WAMU) |
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PCP KOs DCFD (wamu.org)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Take me home, Dad" (syracuse.com)
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How do you stop poachers killing endangered species? Put a bounty on their heads to make THEM extinct (jobs.aol.com)
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The man then proceeded to ask officers for their clothes, their boots and their motorcycles (wptv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help (wlwt.com)
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Eenie meenie miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, please contact Pierce County, Washington Animal Control, because they can't locate him and he may be a danger to the public (seattlepi.com)
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You're mad because you think the assistant principal took your son's iPod. Do you: A) Talk with the principal? B) File a complaint with the district? C) Make a fake profile on a porn site under the assistant principal's name? (azcentral.com)
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Casey Anthony spends her days eating in front of the computer. No word on what her Fark handle is (news.yahoo.com)
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Rescue workers have to demolish part of house to get Britain's Got Tonnage winner to the hospital (mirror.co.uk)
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Fugitive penguin recaptured in Tokyo. Keepers are keen to return it to the Sea Life Park, but on the other hand they've already mixed up 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura (bbc.co.uk)
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| (whdh) |
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Don't you just hate it when a bunch of heifers crash your party and drink all the beer? (www1.whdh.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Curt Schilling strikes out 300 employees (southcoasttoday.com)
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| (BBC News) |
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Photoshop these courtly cricket club members (news.bbcimg.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption what this poor kid is thinking (kinda Not safe for work: old man ass) (oddstuffmagazine.com)
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First female skipper in British Navy's 500-year history takes charge of warship, immediately gets stuck in reverse (mirror.co.uk)
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Kids confusing detergent packs for candy ending up sick even quicker, yet have the whitest whites and the brightest colors (msnbc.msn.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Legoland Florida sets Guinness world record for Dumbest Stunt Performed at a Theme Park Modeled After a Toy (baynews9.com)
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Not really news: Woman kicked off plane. Fark: For wearing a T-shirt that said, "If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd f--k a senator" (w/video) (huffingtonpost.com)
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Mortician finds gunshot wound to the chest of a man that had been ruled to have died of natural causes by police and EMS. To be fair, it happened in Detroit so they might have been confused (freep.com)
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Left babysitting 4-year-old while her mom, friend go to gym? Just tie her up in kitchen chair and go on playing video games. Problem solved (mysuncoast.com)
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Scientists pinpoint exact date of Christ's death. Resurrection still up for debate (msnbc.msn.com)
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Seriously, who doesn't like bears falling from trees? (news.yahoo.com)
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The militant wing of the Salvation Army strikes again (azcentral.com)
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Bizarre legal case involving a mysterious billionaire could force 1 million Quebecois to be married, against their will. Quebecois? (slate.com)
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Thu May 24, 2012
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Sorry about the five years you spent in prison because I falsely accused you of rape. Wanna be friends on Facebook? (huffingtonpost.com)
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Woman fined for damaging telemarketer's hearing after blowing whistle into phone. Whatever the fine was, put me down for two (thelocal.de)
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Hottest new game show around: School Food or Prison Food? Warning: may induce nausea and vomiting (cityrag.com)
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Old and busted: Low-carb junk food. New hotness: Gluten free junk food (abcnews.go.com)
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A word to the wise: Burning down Home Depot won't save your friend's hardware store (seattlepi.com)
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Teen cancels order at taco stand. Naturally, someone tries to run him over (caller.com)
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Photoshop theme: Books for geniuses (the opposite of the For Dummies series) (fark.com)
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Vintage ventriloquism portraits.. pleasant dreams (io9.com)
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R.O.U.S.s do exist, and they're ravaging Gough island (io9.com)
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SCOTUS to us all: suck it twice (nytimes.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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This could be bad news if you have triskaidekaphobia, taphephobia, thanatophobia, placophobia or, if you are reading this headline, hippopotomonstrosesquipedalio phobia (wkbw.com)
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Boy eats his mom out of house and home because he has an extreme disorder called nom.. nom.. nom (mirror.co.uk)
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Since everything else is fine with the world: Here are pets doing yoga. Relax and meditate with them (mirror.co.uk)
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It turns out the 'Men In Black' movies are actually documentaries (huffingtonpost.com)
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Darth Vader robs bank, escapes on TIEcycle (msnbc.msn.com)
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Photoshop this Central Park encounter (msnbcmedia.msn.com)
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Brazilian airline shaves a passenger from its flight, leaves him on the landing strip (news.yahoo.com)
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School nurse rushes to crash scene, treats boo-boos (wdtn.com)
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Woman needs money. Does she a) get a job? b) take out a loan? or c) attack her double-amputee mother? (with "is she naked?" mug) (wishtv.com)
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Am I dreaming or did a priest just claim a missing girl buried in a mobster's tomb was a Vatican sex party slave victim? (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're planning to hide out in the library to burn books after hours, make sure you have an escape route so you don't have to call 9-1-1 after you light them (wiod.com)
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Hard-hitting Argentinian journalist meets hard-hitting Argentinian politician (youtube.com)
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When playing golf, you need to be aware of sand traps, water hazards, and falling airplane doors (sun-sentinel.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The school district's public information officer wants you to know that's not the vajayjay you're looking at (wsoctv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The new future of electronics: vacuum tubes (news.sciencemag.org)
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| (Times Tribune) |
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Suggestions for Father's Day activities: go fishing; go watch a sporting event; sit outside and grill; get arrested together for meth distribution (thetimestribune.com)
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If you're looking for a job that pays over $76,000 a year, head to the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport, where you get paid that for chasing birds off the runway (sun-sentinel.com)
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So what happens when the pet bison gets sick in the house? (telegraph.co.uk)
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After stealing an iPhone, the best thing to do may not be to post your picture on the Facebook page of the girl you stole it from (myfoxdc.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Old man drives wheelchair down the highway to confront other old man at trailer park over $5 owed. Other old man is naked and using a cane. They end up in a naked, wheelchair bound cane / stick fight in the front yard. Ta-Da (onlineathens.com)
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Stand aside King Krunk, there is another contender for the crown (dailymail.co.uk)
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Couple arrested after leaving child in car while they went to the strip club. Well, it would have been inappropriate to buy him a lap dance (tampabay.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Does a bear shiat in the woods? Usually, but if he wants to use the outhouse he won't wait for his turn (winnipegfreepress.com)
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NYC public school requires students to study Arabic. English still listed as optional (nypost.com)
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Inventor of Oreo cream filling to be laid to rest between Jimi Hendrix and Sammy Davis Jr (newsfeed.time.com)
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The guy with a gun always gets to go ahead of everybody else at the McDonald's drive-thru (palmbeachpost.com)
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Six months in the life of a woman "caught up" in the cycle of poverty. "She took the test - and failed. But rather than study and take it again, she shrugged it off. 'I guess I am not working for a reason,' she said" (latimes.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Remember friends, it could always be worse. You could drown in an enormous septic pit filled with horse manure (wbal.com)
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Russia tests new missile with previously unachievable performance as a response to USA missile defense system (english.pravda.ru)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Australian mining tycoon is the new richest woman in the world, and is quite the looker too (inquisitr.com)
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| (Courthouse News) |
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Court rules that land developer wasn't required to disclose that property being bought in Orlando for building a house is next to former WW2 firing range which still has unexploded ordnance buried in it (courthousenews.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Worried about thieves stealing your pot stash? Easy solution: invest in a pair of guard-alligators (local12.com)
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| (NBCPhiladelphia) |
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Mom's response to kid being locked, tossed in washing machine: these things happen (nbcphiladelphia.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not News: Teen suspended. News: for faking suicide. Fark: in class project video on bullying (wiod.com)
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Kids, the bus is here (buffalonews.com)
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Colorado is actively lobbying to become a hub for suborbital space planes in a worldwide network of suborbital point-to-point travel. This actually makes a lot of sense to anyone who has ever been to the Denver airport (mnn.com)
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Tae Kwon Do instructor arrested for having sex with underage female students [CUT TO: unusually explicit training montage] (washingtonpost.com)
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Too lazy to give birth the old fashioned way? Well, good job, that's why your baby is fat (washingtonpost.com)
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It is not legal to get into a drunk driving accident, then to bury the driver of the other car alive. Not even in China (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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DC's Capital Bikeshare is a program in which bicycles are made available for shared use to muggers who do not own them (washingtonpost.com)
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Iranian navy saves US freighter from pirates. No shia (news.yahoo.com)
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Traffic congestion in U.S. metro areas has dropped 30%, easing motorist tension. Drivers now wave to each other using more than one finger (freep.com)
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NYPD has suspect in custody who has admitted involvement in the disappearance of Etan Patz 33 years ago (nydailynews.com)
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Photoshop this bogus bird (inapcache.boston.com)
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"I smoked with a cop," said a man who identified himself as Panda, and it was "some of the best [shiat] I've had in a while" (wonkette.com)
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Missing [✔] White [ ] Girl [✔] aaaaaand that's why the news is just now reporting that she disappeared in April (sun-sentinel.com)
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What a 19-year old said after peeing in the back of a police car: C) I told you I had to go, you stupid cop (dailymail.co.uk)
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Yes I built a gigantic bull sculpture next to the highway. DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU? (news.yahoo.com)
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Kid refuses to wear hearing aid because "Superheroes don't", so Marvel creates one for him (myfoxboston.com)
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If you are in the mood for a real-life adventure story, read about William Morgan, an American who joined the Cuban Revolution and became a military commander. This makes Kerouac's adventures look juvenile (newyorker.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Four-alarm fire on board nuclear submarine in dry-dock at Maine naval base. In other news, half-price special this weekend at Red Lobster (fosters.com)
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Nut Liquor is pretty good except it sometimes feels like it's sticking to the roof of your mouth (blog.seattlepi.com)
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| (Socialist Stooge) |
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German police confront Occupy protesters and....take off their helmets and escort them through town? (globalwinnipeg.com)
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What can brown do for you? Delivery driver waits in hall till woman finishes bathing to find out (utsandiego.com)
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Los Angeles prohibits plastic bags, forcing deportation of entire "Real Housewives of Orange County" cast (thedailybeast.com)
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Victoria Beckham likes to get facials from New Zealand sheep placentas (stuff.co.nz)
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 368: "Sleeve-faced" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)
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Not sure what is more Farking awesome: (1) High school student Tebowing on stage during his graduation (2) School withholds his diploma, orders him to clean school gym (3) Cleaning the gym was his mom's idea (myfoxdc.com)
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Wed May 23, 2012
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Why the unruly go to Bangor, didn't even know her (washingtonpost.com)
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Iran makes five-point proposal to world powers. It's the same kind of five-point proposal that Lucy made Linus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (haaretz.com)
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Coolest live video feed from the Dragon capsule as it passes the ISS, You'll see at 11:30pm PDT (wired.com)
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Excerpt from Harvard class-of-1962 reunion directory: "Occupation: prisoner. Awards: eight life sentences" (huffingtonpost.com)
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NASA's "Opportunity" Rover sees its own shadow on Endeavour Crater on Mars, signalling six more weeks of a hellish Mars summer (pic) (space.com)
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Emu invades golf course, wants to talk about his feelings. The Sun is there, but it just doesn't care (thesun.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Remember the 7th-degree black belt who can take away your gun faster than you can blink? His black belt skills apparently don't include getting a loaded pistol magazine through TSA (facebook.com)
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The best porn tenderloins can be found--where else?--Iowa (desmoinesregister.com)
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Researchers find that babies generally concentrate on what they can understand, and filter out information they see as too complicated. This phenomenon can be easily observed and tested by spending a short time on the Politics tab (dailymail.co.uk)
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As god is my witness, I thought hot dogs could fly (abcnews.go.com)
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Gastroenteritis outbreak linked to reusable shopping bag. If only there were some way to wash those things (io9.com)
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Photoshop this fast female (cdn3.spiegel.de)
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| (officer.com) |
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Got a new laser pointer? Want to show it off to your friends? You might be wise to not point it at the police boat out in the harbor (officer.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Oxford University tells Yeti hunters to put up or shut up, give us some DNA so we know you're not wacko (tgdaily.com)
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Ever wonder how construction cranes get up on top of skyscrapers? Or more importantly, how they get down? Here comes the engineering (slate.com)
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Study proves that nuclear power is safe for twenty years, every twenty years (sciencedaily.com)
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Ferrera Pan and Farley's to merge, creating the ever-tasty LemonChucklehead (marketwatch.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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A Columbia S.C. man finds discovers just how farking huge a rat snake can actually get (wistv.com)
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| (wcvb boston) |
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It's nice gesture when you want to help a young student remove a loose tooth. If you do help, just make sure you pull the tooth that's actually loose (wcvb.com)
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Rash of rashes breaks out at middle school (sun-sentinel.com)
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Your honor, the alleged victim wanted to be beaten to a pulp and asked for it all season. If you need more proof that he is a masochist, consider that he actually enrolled in Florida A&M in the first place (www2.tbo.com)
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When riding a motorcycle, it's always prudent to keep your mouth closed because of bugs. Unfortunately, this doesn't work with golf balls (tennessean.com)
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Hot dog slicer cuts your kid's hot dog into perfect, choke-sized pieces (cleveland.com)
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Photoshop this Indiana Jones imitator (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
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Remember how many people said during the GOP primary "All Obama is going to have to do to create campaign commercials is run the tape of Romney's GOP rivals attacking him on the campaign trail"? (news.yahoo.com)
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Dr. Kellogg invented Corn Flakes as an anti-masturbatory food. He also burned off clitorises, advocated sewing foreskins with silver wire, and filled his patients' asses with gallons of yogurt (hypervocal.com)
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the headline is longer than the article (independent.co.uk)
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"Potomac River tuber clung to rock overnight until rescued by anglers." Man, that potato wanted to live (herald-mail.com)
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Uncertain about naming a warship after a gay rights anti-war activist? You could try asking his ghost, at least if you're in San Francisco (seattlepi.com)
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The 900 dolphins who died off the coast of Peru all perished from natural causes, according to a scientist who also says Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman, Bin Laden was the mastermind of 9/11, and we really did land on the moon (mnn.com)
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"Child Hugging Priest" told to knock it off, plans to fist kids instead (big1059.com)
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| (TSP) |
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"Jimmy, I think the school bus is here to pick you up" (thestarpress.com)
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Best. Vicar. Ever: four-minute sermons, bring-a-bottle confirmation classes, and if he was too drunk to pronounce "vicissitude" at Christmas midnight mass he'd simply pick up where he left off the next Christmas (telegraph.co.uk)
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Chipotle accused of hiring illegal Mexican immigrants and is the subject of a Federal Investigation over hiring practices. Which is kind of ironic, considering their food is the furthest you can get from real Mexican (reuters.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"La Grange police were called at about 4:45 p.m. May 11 after someone reported hearing two men at Lincoln and Sawyer avenues talking about stabbing each other. Police could not locate them" (lagrange.patch.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Man ticketed for littering. Fark: Ticket was for dropping money on the ground. Bonus Fark: The money fell as he was handing it off to a wheelchair-bound homeless man (fox8.com)
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A year after the Joplin Tornado killed 160 people some are curious as to why the Missouri National Guard looted the city after the disaster but are told to go die in a tornado (stltoday.com)
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Drunk hit-and-run driver turns into sober driver after officers discover he's a retired cop (eagletribune.com)
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Blogger claims that Roger Ailes claims that Jon Stewart once admitted to him in a bar that he was a socialist, so that means Sarah Palin is automatically president and Stewart has to dig a hole and sit in it (breitbart.com)
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Selling your breast milk online comes with certain pitfalls, not least of which is having men buy it for "health reasons" (krem.com)
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| (Web Urbanist) |
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They say the tallest buildings of an era reflect its most cherished values and, by and large, that's also true of this pile of crap (weburbanist.com)
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Conservative media reports that roving gangs of black teens are flash-mobbing across the country in their insatiable search for white flesh (gawker.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Deep fried Girl Scout cookies? Yes, please (1035superx.com)
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Janitor finds out NASA wasn't just farking around when they painted KEEP CLEAR on those launch pads (cnn.com)
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One of my employees called out hungover for the past 2 days. That literally was her excuse. Not sure if I am mad or respect her for telling the truth at least. Leaning toward respect. How would you react? (fark.com)
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| (Steve Weaver Aircraft) |
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A niche in the aviation business: flying with the newly dead. "Oh, no need to sit up, sir, we haven't landed yet" (steveweaver.com)
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"Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on prominent homes and buildings throughout Delhi." The best part is that they pay him to do it (nytimes.com)
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It's bad when people wonder why you still have your job... and wonder it in public... and you're the founder of the company. Isn't that right, Michael Dell? (marketwatch.com)
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Quadruple amputee mom reaching for another milestone. Well, sort of (wfaa.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Newest household item that causes cancer? Your couch (rodale.com)
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And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the ass (forbes.com)
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Subby got a warning, instead of a ticket this morning. Have you ever talked your way out of a ticket before? How? What were you doing wrong? (fark.com)
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Porn actress pleads guilty to 2nd degree murder. Judging by the mugshot I'm guessing it was entrapment (tampabay.com)
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It's the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812 and the tall ships are in New York harbor for Fleet Week. No word yet if there are any on the Potomac guarding the White House (ajc.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Welcome to sunny Florida, please enjoy our strip mall casinos, where mafia-connected thugs will cheerfully beat you to within an inch of your life and provide you with a voucher good for 10% off a paragliding adventure (wdbo.com)
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Hawaii provides Arizona with President Obama's birth records to finally put to rest the question of his citizenship. No wait, this is Arizona.. scratch that (news.yahoo.com)
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The twelve most idiotic video game boycotts of all time. Remember when you were forbidden to play Mortal Kombat at the arcade? (toplessrobot.com)
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Group of high school students riding their bikes to school? That's a suspendin'. Bonus: They had a police escort, and the mayor brought donuts (mlive.com)
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About 93 percent of Florida just breathed a sigh of relief (wptv.com)
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Greek hospitals decide that mothers can't take their newborns home if they can't pay the hospital bill (bbc.co.uk)
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"It's vodka today, but it could be underwear five years from now if this isn't nipped in the bud" (news.blogs.cnn.com)
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Albertan run over by 26 train cars, gets up, picks up beer and walks away. "Police say alcohol along with his small stature likely saved him" (cbc.ca)
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MSNBC asks the questions we all want to know: "Painting over a presidential penis, respect or vandalism?" (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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'Gay' penguin couple given egg of their own, all three doing fine. FINE? IT'S NOT FINE. It has TWO DADDIES. It may be FINE on the OUTSIDE, but INSIDE it's CONFUSED and EMBARRASSED. LOOK AT THE FREAK EGG. IT HAS TWO DADDIES (telegraph.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Yankees to hand out free toothbrushes to first 1,000 fans with teeth (callofthegreenmonster.typepad.com)
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Plastic surgeon has to sue his patients to find out why they weren't satisfied, after they posted why they weren't satisfied online (wftv.com)
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Egyptians are voting today in the "first" "free" "elections" in their history - discussion thread (bbc.co.uk)
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| (MyFaceSpacedIn) |
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PROTIP: IF you are a Disney CM stealing an iPhone from a passenger on the cruise ship, best not take pictures of your fellow CMs, especially if the iPhone is loading directly to Facebook. BONUS: read the comments for added hilarity (facebook.com)
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China's new 4D roller coaster gives you the best excuse to move there since you learnt their Walmarts sell crocodiles (shortlist.com)
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"At least I didn't do the students," says California teacher who was fired after her X-rated porn past was discovered. Bonus: 2-minute clip from one of her films (thesmokinggun.com)
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This summer's road construction delays are brought to you by a pregnant elephant. This is not a euphemism for the fat guys anxiously waiting for the roach coach to deliver their donuts (blog.oregonlive.com)
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New TB test promises to be just like your mom (sciencedaily.com)
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6 in 10 consumers have cut back on non-essential spending due to high price of gasoline. Of course, without a job or car, gasoline also becomes non-essential (marketwatch.com)
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The power of the "bully pulpit" - Opposition to same-sex marriage fell to a record low after President Obama's announced support. Fabulous (upi.com)
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The quaint Southern tradition of parking your car on your lawn is coming under attack. No word on whether that includes cars up on cinder blocks or not (wrcbtv.com)
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Man with ammunition too dangerous for the gun range decides to fire it off in his garage. What could possibly go wrong? (blogs.tcpalm.com)
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7. 7 Billion Dollars. Ah ah ah ahhhh (independent.co.uk)
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JPMorgan Chase executives finally appear before Senate committee to answer for staggering losses. GOP lawmakers immediately attack the blatant irresponsibility, recklessness, and rampant unprofessionalism of ... federal regulators (washingtonpost.com)
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MIT engineers devise non-stick coating for insides of condiment bottles, meaning no more whacking the 57. That's not a euphemism for anything lewd (boston.com)
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| (WSPA) |
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Old man accidentally brings a pipe bomb used for self-defense to a hospital. Now he wonders what a convicted felon is supposed to use for self-defense after all this (www2.wspa.com)
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First large waves of debris hit Alaska from last year's Japanese tsunami. If only we had some debris alert system in place for these situations (telegraph.co.uk)
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If you're an elected official, don't send porn to your HR director (tampabay.com)
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Happy Birthday John D. Rockefeller who would have been 173 today if money could buy time (en.wikipedia.org)
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United Airlines addresses traveler inequality by ending pre-boarding for families with children (travel.usatoday.com)
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"I have a Cuban grandparent. Why does the census count me as Hispanic." Well, either way you get some great college tuition breaks (slate.com)
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| (Global Times) |
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10 kg hailstone hits (globaltimes.cn)
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If you're a Denver cop and get drunk and drive 143 MPH, you would think that you'd lose your job. Well, think again (denverpost.com)
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Lead roles in upcoming Casey Anthony movie cast, unfortunately not into Hell (wesh.com)
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Webster's has a new photo to use for when you look up "douchebag" in the dictionary (SFW) (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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Earthquake blamed for increase in cat suicides in Turkey. The sudden popularity of raccoon videos also believed to be a factor (shortlist.com)
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the Obama campaign is doing some sort of weird experimenting with advertisements that use something called "empire-ism." Hm. Guess the man is a dictator (slate.com)
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Super hot Olympic hurdler can't find a boyfriend because she's a virgin..submitter too busy staring at pics to think up witty headline..PICS I said..glorious glorious pics (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (wjhg television) |
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Embarrassed at getting caught stealing a shopping cart, our intrepid hero tries to redeem his street cred by stealing the clock off the police station wall (wjhg.com)
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I pity the fool who forgot to wish Mr. T a happy 60th birthday on Monday (huffingtonpost.com)
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| (La Crosse Tribune) |
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If YouIntroduce yourself on a video where YouAdmit to the crime of stealing a video camera, don't upload it to YouTube, YouWill go to jail. And the article will post the video that YouMade of YouDoing this. YouDumbass (lacrossetribune.com)
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The UK may allow In-Vitro Fertilization for same-sex couples. That's good. They may also allow IVF for older women. That's bad. The IVF comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The toppings contain potassium benzoate (seattlepi.com)
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Protip: If you're going to rob a general store in the rural south, assume the clerk has a gun hidden behind the register. Fark: General store is on Acorn Hill Road in Hobbsville (wtkr.com)
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Corey Feldman has 6 foot 300-pound woman that he met through Michael Jackson arrested for violating a restraining order...while living in his house (tmz.com)
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"Uncommitted" beat President Obama in 67 of Kentucky's 120 counties. This is good for everybody, except President Obama (theatlanticwire.com)
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Geek Pride Night 9pm 5/23 at Skybar in Bowling Green, OH. Farkers most definitely welcome to our party (fark.com)
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Beheading and eating your fellow Greyhound passenger is bad, but if the voice of God told you he was an alien and had to be destroyed, well, that's different (nydailynews.com)
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So, a man walks into a liquor store and says, "Hey, where can I get a nice cold one with a head?" (latimesblogs.latimes.com)
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"Doctor Who Helped Find Bin Laden" (nytimes.com)
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ᴛᴇʟᴇɢʀᴀᴘʜ ʀoᴀᴅ sᴛᴏᴘ ᴍᴀɴ ʀᴜɴs sᴛᴏᴘ cᴀʀ wᴏɴ'ᴛ sᴛᴏᴘ (clickondetroit.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Challenge: Remodel and restore this rundown urban block (pics.livejournal.com)
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Ok. Best. Doodle. Ever (google.com)
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Ladies, here is a new product you never knew you needed. Vagina lightening cream (theage.com.au)
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You save your five-year-old from falling off a cliff, but lose your Jeep over the edge? That'll be two tickets. One of which is failure to show insurance card, which is now at the bottom of a lake (huffingtonpost.com)
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All those witnesses who you've been basing your defense of George ZImmerman on? Yeah, sit down I have something to tell you (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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Today's Hack: Turn a supersoaker into a shotgun (ktla.com)
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Tue May 22, 2012
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Stephen Colbert voted Maxim's 69th hottest woman in America. HA HA, dangly parts (gawker.com)
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Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, (dailymail.co.uk)
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I'm feeling really elitist with my $2 words and arugula right now. How do you enunciate your displeasure with the unwashed masses? (fark.com)
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Why are stay-at-home mothers more depressed? You would be too if you have to spend 24/7 with your own screaming brats (slate.com)
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| (Green Bay Press-Gazette) |
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I used to be a little girl like yourself, but then I took an arrow to the back (greenbaypressgazette.com)
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Animal Planet is going to create a 2 hr. CGI special "Mermaids: The Body Found." Were mermaids as we know them real, or was it something more realistic like aquatic apes? (foxnews.com)
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Woman spends over £3,000 for spinal surgery for Yoshi, her pet ferret... to give him a second chance, for the love of it (thesun.co.uk)
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Free pizza on June 5 but only if you order it in Spanish. Some people have a problem with that. "In public areas, people should be speaking English, and that includes pizza parlors" (usatoday.com)
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"Sorry, officer. I didn't want to drive drunk, but the zebra had too much wine and the parrot wasn't listening to me" (desmoinesregister.com)
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"He was coming right at me", says 74 year old woman who shot her 17 year old grandson (dailymail.co.uk)
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School nurse refuses student access to his inhaler during full-blown asthma attack. School officials took it away because they had no current form signed by a parent authorizing its use (clickorlando.com)
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Today, in the annals of careers you really should have chosen instead of the one you're doing right now: diet-book writer. A 7 figure deal was made for advice like skipping breakfast and eating broccoli (newser.com)
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In what was not at all an idiotic waste of time, the Supreme Court rules unanimously that children born from the frozen sperm of a dead man are not entitled to Social Security survivor benefits (jezebel.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wife arguing with you about a new car? That's a shootin' (10tv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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There's some Andrew Breitbart, and some Glenn Beck, and even some Alex Jones and Art Bell -- it's the exclusive interview with colossal douchebag George Tierney of Greenville, SC (glossynews.com)
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Morgan Stanley cut its outlook for Facebook revenues just days before Morgan Stanley took Facebook public, but only privately warned "major clients." Oops, their bad (reuters.com)
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If you're allergic to pollen, don't take bee pollen supplements. You know what? If someone is this dumb I think we should just let them go (cbc.ca)
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School psychologist: "Young black thugs who won't follow the law need to be put down" (gawker.com)
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| (Washington City Paper) |
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You're the nation's capital. How do you dispose of personnel files? A) Retain, then dispose of securely, B) Retain indefinitely, or C) Cram an abanoned car full & set it on fire. And some dumpsters. At the fire academy (washingtoncitypaper.com)
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Research confirms what Farkers already knew: eating healthy organic food turns you into a douche and leaves you with only 26 minutes to get to the gym (newser.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Now that Yankee Candle has launched it's "Man Candles" selection with manly scents, photoshop some other unlikely candles (wcvb.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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OMG IT'S A BABY MOUNTAIN LION - Get in the ***BANG**BANG**BANG**** (940winz.com)
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| (Nunatsiaq Online) |
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Arctic rivers add toxic mercury to the Arctic Ocean. This sounds like something that came from Hg wells (nunatsiaqonline.ca)
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Fruit truck experiences an explosion of flavor, Starbuck inconsolable as Vermont bans fracking, and Lindsay Lohan's rented bolthole: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/13 - 5/19 (fark.com)
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Caption this taxi flagger. Warning: pic is not safe for lunch (tosh.comedycentral.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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You will live forever...although you'll look creepy and speak Russian (radio.woai.com)
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Pictures from the BDSM community's DomCon in Los Angeles. Click the link. CLICK IT NOW, WORM (Not safe for work) (huffingtonpost.com)
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Theme : Create a Fark doodle (google.com)
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Leftist candidate for Mexican congress gives voters two reasons to support her (cnn.com)
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| (BGR) |
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Hollywood loves sequels: MPAA to push SOPA follow-up in 2013 (bgr.com)
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Someone spent $18,000 on Queen Elizabeth's panties. Her used panties (tmz.com)
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Nearly 1 in 4 teens have diabetes, awesome lunches (610wiod.com)
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Waitress forgets to hit the virgin button, serves daiquiris to a pair of four-year-olds. Well, it's not like they were planning on driving home (thesmokinggun.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Attorney's "DWI DUDE" vanity plate request rejected. ASS MAN seen smirking (1035superx.com)
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| (Life Site News) |
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Planned Parenthood beats off all competitors when it comes to encouraging masturbation for elementary students (lifesitenews.com)
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"Hello, 911? I wish to report a drunk driver. He's driving my car and looks exactly like me. I'm going to pull over now so can you have an officer come by and arrest me? Thanks" (shortlist.com)
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Bad news: it's National Vegetarian Week in the UK. Good news: the world's meatiest sandwich has become a thing (shortlist.com)
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Ancient 'cursing stone' found in Scotland associated with early Christianity and golf (upi.com)
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US Airways jetliner en route from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina, has been diverted to Bangor, Maine due to a suspicious passenger. Passenger was suspicious because he said US Airways had good customer service (news.blogs.cnn.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is World Goth Day. Be sure to not wish any of them a 'Happy' day. Perhaps a 'Have a melancholy, bittersweet day full of tears and poetry' Day (huffingtonpost.co.uk)
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If your couch is dirty and smells of urine, do you A: Clean it? B: Throw it out? or C: Set it on fire while it's still in your apartment? (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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| (Some Cheese Head) |
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Wisconsin has a Deer Czar, and he firmly believes that State and National Parks are a commie plot. Like to hunt on public land? "Sucks to be you" (lodivalleynews.com)
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The claim that women make 81 cents to the dollar than men earn doing the same job? It's apparently not only bogus, but also crude and misleading. Like most men (forbes.com)
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Man responsible for proliferation of polka dies. Accordions everywhere mourn (chicagotribune.com)
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Ten facts about cats even cat people don't know, even when they're putting out fire (buzzfeed.com)
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Plane headed to Christian youth conference "Acquire the Fire" crashes, acquires fire (cnn.com)
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None of us knows what's really going on, so here is a fox cub with a can on its head (thesun.co.uk)
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Not news: Grandma lets granddaughter test drive her car. Fark: 10-year old granddaughter hits three cars in a McDonald's parking lot (boston.com)
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Europe puts a helmet on their little soldiers (news.yahoo.com)
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Facebook to slightly redesign its "Timeline" layout. SELL MORTIMER, SELL (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)
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The Register takes a break from murdering the English language to remind Farkers they can't do that with a headline =( (theregister.co.uk)
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It's been at least a day or two since you've read about a bullshiat trend made up by a newspaper to fill column inches, right? Pining for one? Okay, here you go: American youth don't want cars anymore, they want web mobility (washingtonpost.com)
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One year ago today, a tornado devastated Joplin, Missouri. In commemoration, here's security camera footage from the worst hospital waiting room visit ever (youtube.com)
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| (NBCConnecticut) |
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Gun range next to school sounds like a helluva idea, right? (nbcconnecticut.com)
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| (KARE 11) |
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You're not going to believe this, but people are figuring out that paying $100/month for crappy reality TV shows isn't worth it (kare11.com)
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| (argus) |
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If you plan on lifting weights after drinking, don't be surprised if EMT workers are called in to move the dumbbell (theargus.co.uk)
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As much as we'd all like to, you can't slap a 10-year-old so hard he gets a bloody nose and loses a tooth just because he's talking during a movie (seattlepi.com)
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The inventor of the TV remote control has passed away. His body was discovered after several weeks, buried between the couch cushions (marketwatch.com)
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Four adults tie 15-year-old girl to tree, hit her with eggs and pour beer on her. Fark: Two of them are her legal guardians (wtkr.com)
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"The data indicate the country may be experiencing the jobless recovery economists warned of during the recession" Curse those recovery mongers (usatoday.com)
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Police remind mother that bringing your child to work should also include taking them out of the car (chicagotribune.com)
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| (NBCDFW) |
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OMG. You did not just label the special needs students 'retarded' in the yearbook (nbcdfw.com)
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College students spend about a third less time studying than they used to, which must mean college is too easy. Right, too easy. That's the same reason I didn't bring home that hottie from the bar last night, not enough challenge (washingtonpost.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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SCOTUS: 'Fark the eighth amendment' (theverge.com)
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Surgeon, apparently listening to a baseball game, uses man's stomach to keep track of a 3 strikeout inning (nydailynews.com)
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Remember when GM pulled their Facebook ads because they "didn't work"? Turns out, the real reason they didn't work is because GM just sucks at online marketing (businessweek.com)
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Someone stole your iPhone? The chief will get right on that with four detectives and a task force. If you're the Berkeley police chief's son, that headline is entirely devoid of sarcasm (sfgate.com)
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"Father of the Year" candidate charged with leaving 17-month-old toddler home alone while he went to work. To his credit, he DID leave Cheerios and orange juice nearby (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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Cops try out their anti-gang strategies on third graders (nbclosangeles.com)
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| (NBCNewYork) |
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Honey, could you please take the fetus out to the trash? (nbcnewyork.com)
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Hundreds of thousands of Canadians still using dial-up. I wish there was something funny I could say about this but I'm one of them and I pray for death every day (cbc.ca)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Politician horrified at something that is legal, safe, wants to ban it. "I mean that is just so crystal clear, there is no debate, no discussion" (sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com)
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What I learned from Florida: Don't bring a machete to a gun fight with your girlfriend (wptv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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...and at night, the meth fairy flies through your window to spread her gift of love and joy (with fairy mugshot) (kirotv.com)
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Photoshop theme: I had the weirdest dream last night (google.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The invading force in Red Dawn (already filmed) is changing (post-production) from Chinese troops to North Korean troops because Hollywood doesn't want to offend China (infowars.com)
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19-year-old man uses a nerf sword to defend his mother from his brother. At work he's known as Sir Oedipus (nwfdailynews.com)
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Woo! Subette just won 500 bucks on a 1 dollar ticket. I got the numbers off a grocery receipt. Suck it naysayers (fark.com)
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If I'm reading this correctly, and I think I am, Pringles are the taint of snack food. SCIENCE (eatocracy.cnn.com)
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Mom, I'm not watching funny cat videos online. No. I'm fostering creative approaches to problem solving by allowing my mind to wander (nature.com)
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Who's an ugly-assed cheeky little monkey? Why you are, now be a good little gorilla and smile for the camera (thesun.co.uk)
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Today's FARK-ready headline: "Ohio family in 'Porkopolis' seeks return of stolen swine statue that was wearing eyeglasses" (sun-sentinel.com)
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Hello, 9-1-1, what's your emergenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (wtop.com)
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SpaceX finds a bottle of blue pills, finally gets it up (cnn.com)
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The Pain in Spain Plainly Will Remain (bloomberg.com)
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Hottie fired for looking too sexy on the job... at a lingerie manufacturer... owned by Orthodox Jews (nydailynews.com)
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Fracas turns into foofaraw, and when the brouhaha turns into a kerfuffle, a hurly-burly becomes a tumult and the rumpus becomes a hoo-hah, causing a to-doo to become a melee (eagletribune.com)
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We're not saying the rednecks in Arizona are stupid, but they just used toilet paper to spell out the N-word in somebody's lawn. And the dude who lives there is white (azcentral.com)
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Good news, everybody. It's no longer necessary for you to feel like an uneducated, heathenish boor if you want to sip some red wine after Labor Day. You can drink Guinness in your shorts, too, and can stop feeling ashamed (nytimes.com)
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Can't sleep, vintage Disneyland characters will eat me (io9.com)
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Mon May 21, 2012
| (Smart Money) |
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More than one third of all divorce filings in the U.K. last year contained the word "Facebook" (blogs.smartmoney.com)
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Graduating from UT Austin? Check your program. Commencement may be more interesting than you thought (news.yahoo.com)
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"Christian" pastor calls for gays to be imprisoned in an electrified pen until they die. A Taliban spokesman commented: "Seriously? Don't you think that's a bit over-the-top?" (huffingtonpost.com)
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Today's Florida bank robbery brought to you by a man armed with a.....(spins wheel)....syringe (mysuncoast.com)
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Not News: Loner cannot get a date to the prom. News: Track coach feels sorry for him so she escorts him there. Fark: She gets canned even though no shenanigans took place (dailymail.co.uk)
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Old and busted: Silicone breast implant. New hotness: Gummy bear breast implant. Coming up next (subby hopes): Bacon breast implant (abcnews.go.com)
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NYPD officer to suspect: 'My dick will go in your mouth'. NYPD officer to reporter: 'He had a camera phone?... I can't comment. Have a blessed day.' (rawstory.com)
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School administrator suspends seniors for school pran.. wait, what? She congratulates them for coming up with a prank that was original and did no damage? In other news: Not all school administrators are robotic martinets (boston.com)
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I, George Tierney of Greenville, SC am going to sue ALL OF U unless all references to my, George Tierney of Greenville, SC's douchebaggery are removed from teh internets POST HASTE. Sincerely, George Tierney, Greenville, SC (rawstory.com)
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Photoshop this unemotional crowd (farm8.staticflickr.com)
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn faces US gang rape investigation. Hey does anyone know if the eye bleach company sells mind bleach? (telegraph.co.uk)
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2.2 million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? 2.2 billion dollars (bloomberg.com)
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| (NBC Miami) |
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Quick fix for a soccer tournament PR nightmare: Distract from human rights abuse charges with an "oracle hog" (nbcmiami.com)
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Not news: some people climbed Everest. News: Three died on descent because of "traffic jam". Fark: Everest has traffic jams because apparently the only mountaineering experience required is Photoshop (cbc.ca)
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Military body armor is a poor fit for women because boobies (washingtonpost.com)
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| (KLTV.com) |
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Fark ready headline of the day: Naked toddler left in car; mom dances in driveway. "...with a cupholder from her car stuck in her hair" (kltv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Person emails to Graeter's Ice Cream to let them know about a defect. "Defect": Your chocolate chips are too big. Result: Graeter's posts email to Facebook page to have almost everyone ridicule them (facebook.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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15 year old wins prize for inventing cheap urine test that identifies early stage pancreatic cancer with 90% accuracy (societyforscience.org)
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| (cfnews13.com) |
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Orlando Philharmonic to perform Legend of Zelda concert. Here's the Link (cfnews13.com)
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Man drops gun from pocket while mowing lawn, shoots self (thedenverchannel.com)
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| (ABC27) |
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"So how did this vehicle crash ma'am?" "My 8 year old son was playing in it while it was in park, and it somehow got off that and crashed" (abc27.com)
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Weak weekend numbers for Battleship movie. "Hungry Hungry Hippos, The Movie" now on hold (eonline.com)
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Tennessee man fathered nine children...while locked up in state prison. That's if you believe what you read in the news (thesmokinggun.com)
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The average wedding in the US now tops $27K, or yet another example why most people can't get out of debt and will never be able to retire (money.cnn.com)
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On the bright side, when this Boston U. student files for bankruptcy he can wipe out his student loans, too (finance.yahoo.com)
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You do not know real fear until you realize Britney Spears is playing golf right behind you (azcentral.com)
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Female reporter pulls a Yentl, sneaks into all-male Orthodox Jewish "rally against the internet" (betabeat.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop Lincoln at The Capitol (shorpy.com)
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Psychiatrist who 'proved' gays can be cured says it was all a big mistake (jezebel.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Building built with 500,000 beer bottles, or the trash from roughly one fark party (lvrj.com)
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"Hello 9-1-1? I just found $1800 in an ATM" Dumbass, Obvious, Stupid tag all bow down to the one true Tag (610wiod.com)
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'Existential' man ordered to serve community service at morgue. Apparently they need another grave Heidegger (seattlepi.com)
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This is why Thor should never get a driver's license (tennessean.com)
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70 year old 'tan mom' tries to stretch her 15 minutes but it may have lost its elasticity (today.msnbc.msn.com)
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China tests its second 5th-generation stolen stealth fighter with Russian engines that looks like F-22 Raptor (english.pravda.ru)
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| (Chicago Tribune) |
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Sticks and stones might break bones, but the safe money is on body armor-wearing riot police and the accompanying billy clubs and fists (galleries.apps.chicagotribune.com)
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| (Your Mom) |
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Parents are happier than nonparents (ucrtoday.ucr.edu)
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| (The Courier-Journal) |
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News: Shooting happens in a bad part of town. Unusual: Six people are shot, three of them fatally. Fark: One of those fatally shot was the boyfriend of a woman who wore a "No Boyfriend, No Problem" shirt to the crime scene (courier-journal.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ojibwemowin Ozhibii'igaade Miinawaa Aabadad Miziwe Go Eni-bimaadiziwaad Bemijigamaag (minnpost.com)
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Dharum Ravi, who bullied and shamed his gay roommate into killing himself and could have received up to 10 years in prison, gets a 30-day jail sentence and community service. That'll learn him (nj.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The Fukushima nuclear plant disaster is dwarfed by earthquake in North-Italy. As many as 200,000 cheeses lost, region to smell like jockstrap for years (thejakartapost.com)
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Blind runner completes marathon. (Quick, guys, time to put the treadmill away before he notices anything.) (9news.com)
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Interactive graphic lets you watch Mark Zuckerberg lose money in real time (scroll to the bottom) (visual.ly)
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| (Some Relaxed Fit Guy) |
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In another "Who thought up this study?" study, skinny jeans found to be a health risk if worn incorrectly. Surprisingly the risk wasn't throwing your back out trying to yank them up over your butt (wcpo.com)
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Despite the best efforts from people texting while driving, highway deaths are down (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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An all-white jury is 16% more likely to convict black defendants than a white defendant. Duke sucks (today.duke.edu)
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"A cupcake is a symbol for both a vagina and the female orgasm." That explains why there was a hair in my last one (jezebel.com)
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| (Some Drunk) |
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Northern KY group worried about teenagers sitting around drinking during summer vacation. Their solution, various levels of ramped up helicopter parenting. Completely missing from the list, make them get off the couch & get a job (wcpo.com)
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ABC News, which totally isn't trolling, asks: "Should Zimmerman charges be dropped?" (abcnews.go.com)
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Indian woman tells husband to change his Facebook status to married or she'll change her caste status to untouchable (huffingtonpost.com)
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It is finally legal to take pictures on the subway in Boston, and police want to see them (bostonherald.com)
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Babe Ruth's 1920 jersey sells for 44 times what he went for in 1919 (espn.go.com)
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Thanks to Stephen Colbert, there are now hundreds of college kids with their own SuperPACs, advocating things like Time Travel Research, cat photos, and, of course, Zoidberg (money.cnn.com)
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Over 40,000 ultra-orthodox Jews rally at Citi Field to discuss the dangers of the internet. Event still brings in better looking women than the average Mets game (nytimes.com)
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| (WBUR) |
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Poor girls are more likely to get pregnant if there are rich men around (wbur.org)
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| (WCPO) |
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Concluding yet another "Who would have thought that?" study, CDC discovers that overweight teens are most at risk for future heart related problems. Next on their list, do glasses help people see better? (wcpo.com)
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...But if you must use downtown Cologne as your driving range while drunk at 6:00 a.m. and get into a confrontation with a cab driver after hitting his car with a ball, don't pull a knife on him (thelocal.de)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Blue's clues. Looking for clues about Blue. Put up posters looking for looking for Blue's clues. Get called by someone with a clue about Blue. Get robbed for the reward money (actionnewsjax.com)
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Left the lights in my car on last night, killed the battery. How have you been an idiot today? (fark.com)
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| (The Oakland Press) |
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I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It-now with added trailer park and frying pan fight (theoaklandpress.com)
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Sometimes when you're having a fight with your girlfriend, the best thing to do is to immediately remove yourself from the situation. Unless you're in a moving vehicle (azcentral.com)
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7th grader suspended for buying "Happy Crack." Clarification: "Happy Crack" has nothing to do with your plumber. Fark: "Happy Crack" is sugar and Kool Aid power. Happy Crack Happy Crack Happy Crack (kktv.com)
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Photoshop Bristol Zoo's Baryonyx (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com)
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Two words that should never go together, especially from your doctor: Gonorrhea Superbug (blog.sfgate.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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This list of failed food products will make you long for the days when Crystal Pepsi was king, and you could have one with your Arch Deluxe in the styrofoam container (thedailymeal.com)
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Psst, dude: Bargain of the day. Get a fake girlfriend to raise your Facebook profile for only $5. She'll txt/email/voicemail you about what she great time she had. Show all your buddies (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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| (KKTV) |
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Robber sprays liquor store employees with lighter fluid, threatens to set them on fire if he doesn't get cash. Employees respond with baseball bat (kktv.com)
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Free beer on the I-95 after a semi overturns (clickorlando.com)
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YouTube video producer (a/k/a Idiot Teen) filming Hell's Angels on the highway tries to get a close, tight shot. Instead of using camera zoom he uses his accelerator (abcnews.go.com)
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Ways to successfully obtain sex: dating sites, bars, prostitutes, Craigslist hookups. Ways to unsuccessfully obtain sex and simultaneously make the front page of Fark: get naked and blindfolded, and tie yourself to a tree (huffingtonpost.com)
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New Zealand terrified to discover that sheep are actually intergalactic aliens. I want to b-aa-aa-aa-aa-lieve (nzherald.co.nz)
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I can always get ketchup to come right out of the bottle. What pointless superpower(s) do you have? (fark.com)
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West Staines Ghetto to be renamed West Staines-on-Thames Ghetto. Respect (guardian.co.uk)
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Everybody says they're in favor of artistic expression, but you can be sure you've got their attention when they ask you to remove the pic of the president with his penis hanging out (Not safe for work: political penis) (3news.co.nz)
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Nobody's gonna be afraid of you in jail if your nickname is Skidmark (upi.com)
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Man in wheelchair tries to cross highway. He's no Frogger (wave3.com)
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| (Decatur Daily) |
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If you are going to pass a forged check, don't forget your driver's license at the store. This important note brought to you by the letters D-U-H (decaturdaily.com)
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